WEBVTT - My ADHD Journey: Why I Cried When I Went on Medication for the First Time 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:03.440 I'd like to begin by acknowledging the traditional custodians of 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.920 country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:09.960 We pay our respect to their elders past present, and 0:00:10.039 --> 0:00:12.960 extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander 0:00:13.000 --> 0:00:18.360 peoples today. Welcome to Stepping Up the podcast where we 0:00:18.400 --> 0:00:22.680 explore all things organization, mental health routines, personal. 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:24.040 Development, motherhood and health. 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:26.960 I'm your host, Steph Pace, and I'm the woman behind 0:00:27.160 --> 0:00:29.920 Just Another Mummy blog and also the founder of Steph 0:00:29.960 --> 0:00:32.559 Pace Planners. But I can assure you this is not 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:36.440 just another podcast online. I'm known for my organization tips 0:00:36.440 --> 0:00:39.440 and tricks and the occasional banter, but it definitely wasn't 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:42.120 always this way. I used to be a hot mess 0:00:42.360 --> 0:00:45.440 and occasionally still am. And I'm here as your honest 0:00:45.440 --> 0:00:47.720 and real friend each week to show you how I 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:49.800 turn my life of chaos into clarity. 0:00:50.280 --> 0:00:52.240 Between the house, health, kids. 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:54.480 Work, and wanting to be the best version of yourself, 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:56.560 it can be overwhelming, and I'm here to give you 0:00:56.600 --> 0:00:58.600 the tools and tips to stop you feeling like a 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:01.360 slave to your daily time. He asks home life and 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:04.960 especially the expectations you have on yourself, Join me as 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:06.840 I share my journey and insights into the art of 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:09.160 balancing at all and speak to guests who can help 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:11.640 us all live a better life. Whether you're looking to 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:15.399 streamline your daily routines forcial wellbeing, achieve your fitness goals, 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:18.600 diamond to personal development, or find inspiration to step up 0:01:18.640 --> 0:01:21.000 into the best version of yourself, We've got you. 0:01:21.680 --> 0:01:23.399 So are you ready to step up your game? 0:01:23.760 --> 0:01:24.200 Let's go. 0:01:25.840 --> 0:01:28.200 Hello guys, and welcome back to Stepping Up. I'm so 0:01:28.319 --> 0:01:30.840 excited to be officially back. If you guys didn't know, 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:33.400 I have been a hit with influenze a and pneumonia 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:35.320 for the last two and a half weeks, so I've 0:01:35.319 --> 0:01:38.720 spent the last three weekends stuck inside and I was 0:01:38.760 --> 0:01:41.959 going batshit crazy. And as you guys would have noticed, 0:01:42.000 --> 0:01:44.920 the last two episodes, we had to repurpose some old 0:01:44.959 --> 0:01:45.679 YouTube videos. 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:47.080 So I just want to say thank you for hanging 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:47.760 in there with me. 0:01:48.040 --> 0:01:50.600 I know you guys absolutely loved the last two episodes, 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:52.880 but for me, I just felt like I was cheating 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:55.720 a little bit. But we're all about working smarter and 0:01:55.800 --> 0:01:59.040 not harder, especially when you are stuck in bed and 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:01.160 I can tell you, guys, it was literally not a 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:03.720 fun time. You guys know, I cannot sit still for 0:02:03.760 --> 0:02:05.720 the life of me, which kind of makes it funny 0:02:05.800 --> 0:02:09.000 that I'm recording today's episode, and this is an episode 0:02:09.040 --> 0:02:13.000 on my ADHD medication journey. And this is something again, 0:02:13.040 --> 0:02:15.640 you guys have been asking for for so long, especially 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:19.160 since I recorded my ADHD Journey episode, which I will 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:21.920 link in the show notes below because it is a 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:24.239 long one and it's something I knew. 0:02:24.000 --> 0:02:26.120 I had from childhood, which is pretty rare. 0:02:26.200 --> 0:02:29.160 But over the last eight months, I've been on a 0:02:29.240 --> 0:02:31.880 journey of trying to find the right medication for me. 0:02:32.560 --> 0:02:32.920 Now. 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:34.600 I know I don't have to say this because we're 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:36.520 all a bunch of smart cookies who are listening, but 0:02:36.560 --> 0:02:37.760 I have to anyway, As you. 0:02:37.760 --> 0:02:40.040 Guys know, I'm not a doctor. I'm far from it. 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:42.880 And I'm definitely not saying if you have ADHD that 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:44.799 you need to go on medications. You need to listen 0:02:44.880 --> 0:02:47.880 to anything that I'm saying, because this is just my journey, 0:02:47.880 --> 0:02:51.160 and I guess like my experience so far now, just 0:02:51.240 --> 0:02:54.240 like many of us, the rise of TikTok is something 0:02:54.320 --> 0:02:58.320 that made me really jump onto managing my ADHD symptoms, 0:02:58.360 --> 0:03:01.160 and to be completely honest, I spoke about in my 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:04.440 ADHD Journey episode. I was diagnosed with eight D as 0:03:04.440 --> 0:03:06.600 a kid, so I was in KINDI when I was diagnosed, 0:03:06.880 --> 0:03:09.040 And back then, there was a huge stigma that if 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:11.839 you're on the spectrum you have ADHD, ADD anything at all, 0:03:12.400 --> 0:03:15.600 that you were stupid. And we know that's not the case, 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:17.960 but that was something that I did carry and I 0:03:18.000 --> 0:03:21.640 didn't realize I carried that all up until recently, until 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:25.919 the rise of TikTok and ADHD became something that was 0:03:25.960 --> 0:03:27.200 really spoken about on there. 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:27.880 Now. 0:03:28.400 --> 0:03:30.400 I know there's a lot of people who are always 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:33.360 thinking there's like there's trends and fads with these types 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:36.240 of things, but you need to remember that it's only 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:41.600 been recently that people realize how ADHD and ADD affect women. Okay, 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:43.240 I want to quickly just give you a run through 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:46.560 about the difference between ADD and ADHD. So they pretty 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:49.320 much just call it ADHD now, But there's two types. 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:52.560 There's a hyperactive type and then there's the inattentive type. 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:55.400 Now I've got the combined, so I've got both the 0:03:55.400 --> 0:03:58.680 best of both worlds. Is Miley would say, so I 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:02.120 struggle with paying attention if I don't find something interesting 0:04:02.240 --> 0:04:04.720 for me to start that it's like pulling teeth. And 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:07.840 I'm not even joking. I can't explain to you how 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:10.880 hard it is to physically bring myself to do a 0:04:10.920 --> 0:04:15.240 simple task and the amount of anxiety that builds up 0:04:15.360 --> 0:04:17.839 over starting a small task. It can be something like 0:04:18.080 --> 0:04:19.720 washing for me a lot of the time. It can 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:21.479 be an email that has to use a little bit 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:24.279 more brain power than normal. It is those mundane tasks 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:27.200 that need to be done and that they're important, But 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:29.920 I can't explain to you how painful it is. 0:04:29.920 --> 0:04:31.240 Like physically it actually started. 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:33.440 And I know people out there listening right now that 0:04:33.560 --> 0:04:36.120 have ADHD your thing they do, they can really relate 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:38.360 to this because it's not just like us having a 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:39.120 little easy fit. 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:40.640 It is a whole other level. 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:43.799 It's an actual the way the chemicals in our brains 0:04:43.880 --> 0:04:46.520 work and how I think it's our frontal lobe has 0:04:46.600 --> 0:04:47.360 been made. 0:04:47.839 --> 0:04:49.320 It is different than other people. 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:53.599 So is executive function for other people, like being able 0:04:53.600 --> 0:04:56.400 to write back to text messages, remember things not bit late, 0:04:56.520 --> 0:05:00.000 being able to estimate time correctly, memory all that stuff 0:05:00.080 --> 0:05:02.280 is normal. To them, but for us it is really hard. 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:04.840 I guess one of the tipping points for me was 0:05:05.000 --> 0:05:09.360 especially my memory between having a business, the kids and everything. 0:05:09.400 --> 0:05:11.960 It was actually getting to a point where I was 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:15.560 afraid it was affecting my relationship with my staff because 0:05:15.720 --> 0:05:18.320 I literally would forget what they have told me and 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:22.560 it was creating issues within the business anyway. So started 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:24.800 watching TikTok decided, okay, I want to get you know, 0:05:24.800 --> 0:05:27.280 obviously my diagnosis as a kid is old, so I 0:05:27.279 --> 0:05:29.000 had to get an updated one. And so if you're 0:05:29.000 --> 0:05:30.400 listening right now and you're like, I need to see 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:33.560 if I have ADHD, my other podcast episode about this, 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:35.800 I actually talk about the process so about getting a 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.800 referral who you got to go to. So if you 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:40.479 listen to that, I'll link it again below. But that's 0:05:40.520 --> 0:05:43.320 what really drove me to go and get rediagnosed as 0:05:43.320 --> 0:05:46.919 an adult and that came back with combined ADHD, so 0:05:47.000 --> 0:05:49.760 inattentive and hyperactivity. And the one thing that people have 0:05:49.880 --> 0:05:54.119 learned now also with women with the ADHD hyperactivity part, 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:56.280 is we don't tend to show up in the same 0:05:56.320 --> 0:05:59.120 way as men. We tend to be hyperactive in our 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.440 brain is in overdrive and. 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:02.160 This whole time. 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:05.720 You know, I've been medicated for my anxiety for over 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:08.760 a decade. Now, I'm on any anxiety meds, any depressants, 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:11.359 whatever you want to call it. So, because my doctor 0:06:11.360 --> 0:06:14.400 had always been trying to treat my anxiety and not 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.919 necessarily the ADHD that was causing the anxiety, because the 0:06:18.040 --> 0:06:21.159 racing thoughts, the forgetfulness, the anxiety that is attached to 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:24.760 doing everyday tasks and the million thoughts in my head, 0:06:24.800 --> 0:06:26.800 that's what caused the anxiety. So we were trying to 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.320 treat the symptom of ADHHD and not the cause of 0:06:29.360 --> 0:06:31.880 the anxiety, if that makes sense. So for me to 0:06:32.000 --> 0:06:34.680 effectively treat my anxiety, I need to be treating the 0:06:34.720 --> 0:06:38.200 ADHD itself. And one of my team members, Sarah, who 0:06:38.200 --> 0:06:42.080 worked for me her son had been diagnosed and just 0:06:42.200 --> 0:06:47.160 hearing about his struggles and seeing the profound change medication 0:06:47.400 --> 0:06:50.400 made for him, which was something that wasn't taken lightly 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:52.320 for their family, Like, you're not going to pop anyone 0:06:52.320 --> 0:06:54.960 on medication unless you need it, unless it's affecting them. 0:06:54.960 --> 0:06:58.320 And that's the thing is living with ADHD. It affects 0:06:58.400 --> 0:06:59.520 every facet. 0:06:59.160 --> 0:06:59.880 Of your life. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.960 For me, it affects my relationship with Ryan. When I'm 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:06.839 overstimulated and he wants affection, I can't have him touching me, 0:07:07.360 --> 0:07:11.120 and it's heartbreaking, but I'm just so overstimulated. I can't 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.120 have anyone on me, like I feel like I'm being suffocated. 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:16.840 And then you know that's exhuberated by getting emails and 0:07:16.880 --> 0:07:19.480 messages and everything to do with work, that it really 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:22.640 does affect my relationship with him, and you know, he's right, 0:07:22.680 --> 0:07:24.760 and he's a male and they want physical touch and 0:07:25.120 --> 0:07:27.000 even with my own kids, and it kills me. But 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:30.000 in the afternoons, I can't explain to you the panic 0:07:30.200 --> 0:07:33.600 and the pure like anxiety I get from them screaming, 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:36.080 and then like Ryan's trying to talk to me and 0:07:36.160 --> 0:07:38.960 I'm trying to do dinner, Like it's just so much 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:42.000 stimulation for one person that I was like, I can't 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:44.280 do this anymore. This is affecting my life, and I 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:47.800 felt like it was getting worse, and especially around my period, 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:51.960 which my psychiatrists really validated me on saying those who 0:07:52.000 --> 0:07:55.680 have ad H sheet are generally more likely to have PMDD, 0:07:56.080 --> 0:08:01.040 which is really intensified symptoms of like PMS basically. 0:08:00.680 --> 0:08:02.720 And it is so hard. 0:08:02.760 --> 0:08:05.920 The week before my period, I cannot describe to you 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:08.640 how low I am and how much harder is just 0:08:08.640 --> 0:08:10.480 to do everyday things. And I think this is a 0:08:10.480 --> 0:08:13.760 really important conversation, especially with social media and you guys 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:16.560 see me doing organization and planning, and I do this 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:20.680 because I can't cope without it. But anyways, basically what 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.480 I'm saying is, after seeing Sarah and her son going 0:08:23.520 --> 0:08:26.440 through their journey with medication and how much it helped him, 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.120 I was like, I'm going to go get rediagnosed, which 0:08:29.160 --> 0:08:32.120 I did, and then start the process of medication. Now 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:35.760 with ADHD medication, it's not a decision you just want 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:38.920 to decide on overnight. There is two types of medication, 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:42.880 so there's stimulant medication and then non stimulant medication. Basically, 0:08:42.920 --> 0:08:47.120 the stimulant medication works by increasing certain neurotransmitters in the 0:08:47.160 --> 0:08:49.560 brain and that will help us be able to focus 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:53.840 and to concentrate and things. With stimulant medication is obviously 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:56.040 they're a lot more harsher than something that is a 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.880 non stimulant medication, which you can also have for ADHD. 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:00.320 So some stimulu. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:02.559 Medications you might have heard if you're on TikTok and 0:09:02.600 --> 0:09:05.920 things are things like five ance, Riddlin, dex, and phetamine. 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:08.079 There's other ones but I can't remember right now. 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:10.600 Now, before I run through the pros and cons to 0:09:10.920 --> 0:09:13.120 stimulant medication, which is what I'm going to focus on first, 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:15.920 because that's where i started, I'm going to, I guess, 0:09:15.960 --> 0:09:19.400 explain my experience with it. So for me, I had 0:09:19.400 --> 0:09:21.640 my appointment with my psychiatrists and he's like, yep, So 0:09:21.720 --> 0:09:24.840 we decided to pop me on Riddlin. There's two types 0:09:24.840 --> 0:09:27.559 of stimulant medication. You can get long acting and short acting. 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:30.560 So long acting usually will last all day, ten to 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:33.400 fourteen hours. Again I'm not a doctor, That's what I'm guessing. 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:35.680 And then you got your short acting, which can last 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:37.800 from like two to four hours. So we popped me 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.880 on Riddlin and we went on short acting because my 0:09:41.000 --> 0:09:44.480 days are very different. Some days I'm working ridiculous hours. 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:47.080 Some days I might do more like light work in 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:49.440 the afternoon, and I don't want to take stimulant medication. 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:52.920 And he basically said the pros with short acting is 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:55.240 I can kind of taper it to my day. So, 0:09:55.400 --> 0:09:57.920 for example, I would wake up, have a dose, have 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:01.080 another dose at lunch, and then maybe missed the third dose. 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:02.920 Some people don't even have three. 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:05.240 So I started off with Riddlin and can I just 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:07.960 tell you when I took it and it kicked in, 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:10.480 which was pretty quick because it's short acting, it doesn't 0:10:10.480 --> 0:10:12.800 take long to kick in. I cried because for the 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:17.000 first time in my entire life, my brain was quiet. 0:10:17.320 --> 0:10:21.920 It was quiet, And my biggest thing is all the thoughts. 0:10:22.040 --> 0:10:25.560 My thoughts are just so intense. It makes doing even 0:10:25.600 --> 0:10:28.199 things like podcast. Guys like for me to do a podcast, 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:29.920 even for this, and I'm still on medication now, it 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:32.640 still takes me time to kind of try and calm 0:10:32.679 --> 0:10:35.120 myself because I'm always overthinking everything like. 0:10:35.240 --> 0:10:35.839 Is this good? 0:10:36.040 --> 0:10:36.720 Is that good? 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:39.840 And just the utter quiet I felt for the first 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:41.280 time in my whole life, And I. 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:44.480 Cried because I was like, is this how everybody else feels? 0:10:44.559 --> 0:10:45.439 And this whole time? 0:10:45.559 --> 0:10:49.000 Sorry, it's just it's very confronting because you're just like, 0:10:49.280 --> 0:10:51.800 you don't realize how different your brain is to other 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:56.600 people until you've experienced that firsthand of having quiet and 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:59.200 being able to actually focus on one thought at a time. 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:02.640 And I can't explain to you the relief that I felt. 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:04.840 And I was like, why did I wait for so 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.240 long to do this? And I was someone who was 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:08.559 very much so like, I don't want to be on 0:11:08.600 --> 0:11:10.440 medication forever. I'm going to try and do a more 0:11:10.520 --> 0:11:13.400 like natural route. I want to like, you know, obviously exercise. 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:15.640 Even my psychiatrist said exercise is one of the best 0:11:15.640 --> 0:11:18.520 things for ADHD and hand on heart. I can agree 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:20.560 with that, but I just was like, why did I 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:23.920 wait so long? And at first, you know, first couple 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:25.840 of weeks, it was incredible. I was able just to 0:11:25.880 --> 0:11:29.320 do things. I didn't overthink everything. For me, I do 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:32.400 struggle to like not butt in in conversations, not because 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:34.480 I'm being rude, but because I'm always scared I'm going 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:36.920 to forget what I'm going to say and I get excited. 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:38.880 So if someone says something and I relate to them, 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:41.439 I tend to accidentally like butt in and be like, oh, 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:44.079 me too. And it's not me trying to be selfish 0:11:44.120 --> 0:11:45.120 and talk about myself. 0:11:45.160 --> 0:11:47.600 And apparently that's a normal thing for people with ADHD 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:49.200 because that's how we relate to people. 0:11:49.880 --> 0:11:54.480 And with the riddle and the biggest pros were focus, attention, 0:11:54.880 --> 0:11:58.000 the quiet in my brain, being able to be around 0:11:58.040 --> 0:11:59.800 the kids in the afternoons and not feel like I 0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:02.240 was like jump out of my own skin. But there 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.880 are cons and I found the cons popped up the 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:07.000 longer I was on it, because at first you're in 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:10.160 this new world of being able to focus and everything's quiet, 0:12:10.240 --> 0:12:12.040 and you're like loving it, and then you start to 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:16.920 realize some other things popping up. So with all stimulant medications, 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:19.800 there can be some mood irritability, so you can get 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.800 quite irritated with people, you can get angry, and I 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:26.160 did start getting quite angry, which I'm not an angry person, 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:29.400 so things that wouldn't normally make me angry were starting 0:12:29.400 --> 0:12:32.280 to make me angry. With time, decreased appetite, which is 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.160 a big one, especially with me with my workload. I 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:37.640 would find because I was in such a good focus, 0:12:37.960 --> 0:12:40.720 I would work more than what I was before, because 0:12:40.760 --> 0:12:43.360 normally your body's naturally telling you, okay, it's time to rest. 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:46.760 But because I had all this focus and this attention 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.600 span for the first time, I was just smashing it, 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:52.720 and I was smashing myself, and after a while that 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.760 led me to burn out. Earlier, like actual burnout because 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:58.600 I was working twelve fourteen sixty hour days because I could, 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.199 you know, around the kids and things. And you know, 0:13:01.720 --> 0:13:05.000 there's obviously the food part when you're not eating regularly 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.680 because you now don't have the hunger cues. That's not 0:13:07.720 --> 0:13:09.439 good and that's not gonna help me mood either. It's 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:11.839 also insomnia, so I did get a bit of that, 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:15.640 and then there's also something called emotional blunting, which I'm 0:13:15.640 --> 0:13:17.040 going to talk about in a minute. And then the 0:13:17.040 --> 0:13:19.720 biggest con that kind of made me change from ritalin 0:13:19.920 --> 0:13:21.640 was the up and downs because it's short acting at 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:23.720 last two to four hours. For me, usually only would 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:26.000 last two and a half hours, so I felt very 0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:29.360 much up and down all day. So I'd feel like yep, good, focus, yep, 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:30.880 and then start to feel a bit shitty and go 0:13:30.920 --> 0:13:32.560 back down and then have another dose, go back up, 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:33.760 and then go back down. And I was up and 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:35.720 down all day and I didn't really like that. Spoke 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.000 to my psychiatrists and he put me on Vibance. Now, 0:13:38.080 --> 0:13:40.880 Vivance is a long acting stimulant, so that meant I 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:42.800 could just take it once and it should last me 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:46.160 the whole day now viabance. I loved first Love Love Love. 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:49.679 It was smoother. I didn't feel up and down. I 0:13:49.720 --> 0:13:52.480 felt my focus was tenfold on this, so so I 0:13:52.640 --> 0:13:55.800 was really focused, like I could just keep going forever. 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:58.000 So tasks for me to create. 0:13:57.760 --> 0:14:00.959 A YouTube thumbnail, which should only take me max an hour, 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.080 I would spending four hours on that because the time 0:14:04.120 --> 0:14:06.640 would just pass and I didn't even realize and I 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:08.960 was so focused. I was wasting all this time on 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:12.199 tasks and being so pedantic about it because it can 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:15.160 really bring out that perfectionism in you, and you've got 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:18.040 this new superpower of focus. And it wasn't really like 0:14:18.160 --> 0:14:20.360 working for me very well. It's all well and good 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:22.440 about a focus, but if you're spending like bloody all 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:25.880 day sending one email or cleaning the couch, like, it's. 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:27.680 Not really good. It's not very productive. 0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:29.400 And I loved that. 0:14:29.480 --> 0:14:30.840 I wasn't up and down anymore. 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:35.520 But after the first three weeks, I noticed I was 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.960 a robot, no personality, and that was the same one riddle, 0:14:39.040 --> 0:14:41.240 and I realized I stopped because I'm actually a very 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:42.000 silly person. 0:14:42.040 --> 0:14:44.520 I muck around too much. I joke, I laugh a lot. 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:46.920 I laugh at myself, and then I started realizing, hey, 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:50.160 I haven't really laughed for a while, like I've stopped 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:52.320 being silly because I was always scared because you know 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:54.440 a lot of people with ADHD like we're very creative, 0:14:54.440 --> 0:14:56.240 and I was scared the medication was going to stop 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:57.880 me being creative and I need that for my job 0:14:57.920 --> 0:14:59.880 as well. And it didn't stop me being creative, but 0:15:00.080 --> 0:15:02.640 I stopped kind of having emotion. I was a robot. 0:15:02.680 --> 0:15:05.880 I didn't feel as much like I'm the biggest m path. 0:15:06.160 --> 0:15:07.960 When I went to the hospital the other week from 0:15:08.000 --> 0:15:11.080 my pneumonia and I saw this teenage boy who fell 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:13.160 to the ground head a siege, I was crying because 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:15.440 I actually was off my medication at that time, but 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:18.000 I was crying and I just feel so deeply, and 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:20.120 I realized I felt not really anything. 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:21.600 And you know, I did have. 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.400 A high dose for vivants because again I must metabolize 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:26.280 it quick because just after lunch I would need a 0:15:26.360 --> 0:15:28.240 top up. And then I spoke to my psychiatrist. And 0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:31.760 that's called emotional blunting. Even seeing my kids playing usually 0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:34.160 would feel this spark of joy and happiness, and I 0:15:34.200 --> 0:15:36.920 was feeling nothing. And it was actually very scary because 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:39.200 I'm like, is this what serial killers feel like? Just 0:15:39.240 --> 0:15:41.520 have no emotion, you know? And I was even getting 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:43.560 really depressed. I was starting to get very, very depressed. 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:44.880 And I don't know if again, if it's because of 0:15:44.880 --> 0:15:49.080 the emotional blunting, because I could work forever. So I 0:15:49.120 --> 0:15:52.000 recently went off that one. Now I'm back on short 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:54.960 acting again because it's just one of those things guys, 0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:58.520 and I'm not here to make you feel like it's 0:15:58.520 --> 0:15:59.320 not going to work for you. 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.240 And I still feel like it's changed my life. 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:04.840 So now I'm on dex amphetamine and it's just the 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:06.800 short acting, but I feel like it makes me fee 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:08.880 less up and down. Then the riddle and short acting, 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:10.720 and that's what I was using to top up with 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:11.440 vibe ants. 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.640 But I feel like with the decks, I just call 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:15.040 it decks. 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:18.560 It doesn't make me feel as robotic and I'm still 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:21.000 trying to figure out my way. What was good, though, 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:23.080 I do have to say is that when I did 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:25.720 get sick, I completely went off of them because I 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:27.960 was on them every single day for eight months, even 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:29.640 on the weekends, and I kind of told myself, no, 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:31.080 I'm only going to take them when I need them, 0:16:31.120 --> 0:16:32.760 but I did grow dependent on them, and that can 0:16:32.760 --> 0:16:35.080 be a con as well with the stimulants, because you 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:38.040 love the feeling of being able to do the things 0:16:38.200 --> 0:16:41.600 and have focus and all that stuff, but it can 0:16:42.120 --> 0:16:44.560 have the con of you can become dependent on some 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:48.600 of them. Now my plans for the future. Right now, 0:16:48.640 --> 0:16:50.560 I'm going to just continue and see how I go. 0:16:51.000 --> 0:16:53.440 I'm feeling much better, but I do miss being silly 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:55.280 stuph I don't even know if you guys can tell, 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:57.440 maybe even in this very start of the podcast, like 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:00.200 till now, sometimes I'm like, do I sound like myself? 0:17:00.200 --> 0:17:01.120 Am I robot? 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:03.680 Do I sound flat? I don't know, It's just and 0:17:03.680 --> 0:17:05.840 then I overthink it like I am right now. But 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:09.240 I guess to tell you. The non stimulant medication basically, 0:17:09.560 --> 0:17:12.679 they can also be any depressant and any anxiety. So 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:16.600 the non stimulant also target neurotransmitters, but they work differently 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:19.760 than stimulants and they can take longer to come into effect. 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:22.000 So I'm just reading from something. So instead of directly 0:17:22.040 --> 0:17:26.159 increasing dogamine and other neurotransmitter levels, the non stimulants, they 0:17:26.200 --> 0:17:29.520 may enhance the availability of these neurotransmitters over a long 0:17:29.560 --> 0:17:32.440 period of time and that influences the attention and behavior. 0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:36.440 So they can also be prescribed with stimulant medication, which 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:38.439 is what I'm on too. So I'm also on a 0:17:38.440 --> 0:17:41.560 non stimulant medication three times a day and that helps 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:45.119 with the anxiety. And obviously you are cons in terms 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:47.359 of things like appetite, but it depends on you and 0:17:47.440 --> 0:17:49.720 how you react to each medication. If you're on a 0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.040 stimulant medication, you should not be having coffee. You need 0:17:52.080 --> 0:17:54.240 to be making sure you're smashing like protein and all 0:17:54.280 --> 0:17:55.800