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Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi

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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.

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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to

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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.

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Speaker 3: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.

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Speaker 3: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone

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Speaker 3: else is too afraid to talk about.

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Speaker 4: Get ready for your next level of self.

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Speaker 3: Hello everybody, welcome back to she Rises. We have a

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Speaker 3: very special guest on actually, our dance teacher and friend, Misha.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining

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Speaker 1: us today. Thank you for having me.

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Speaker 3: We're really honored to have you on here and really

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Speaker 3: admire your bravery to talk about what you've been going through.

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Speaker 3: And we really wanted to bring you on because you

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Speaker 3: have been very vulnerable online and sharing your journey with

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Speaker 3: cervical cancer. So we want to go through your whole

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Speaker 3: journey of how you found out, how it's been feeling

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Speaker 3: for you.

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Speaker 1: You're a mum of three kids, you run.

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Speaker 3: A crazy, big busy business, You've got a husband, and

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Speaker 3: this is something that a lot of people, I suppose

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Speaker 3: don't know much.

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Speaker 1: So I'd love to.

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Speaker 3: Hear from you your journey and advice along the way

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Speaker 3: for anyone who might be going through this or you know,

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Speaker 3: even the testing process of getting perhaps me is there's

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Speaker 3: so much I want to cover U.

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Speaker 1: Yes, so much.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So can you just take us back to when

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Speaker 3: you found out, how you found out the symptoms, the signs,

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Speaker 3: all that kind of stuff.

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Speaker 1: When I look at it now, I see the signs,

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Speaker 1: but I didn't see them at the time, Like I

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Speaker 1: thought it was just something that was not necessarily normal.

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Speaker 1: But I had just had a baby. Were one year

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Speaker 1: I've having a baby, so things like bleeding or unusual

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Speaker 1: periods was not something that I was very concerned about

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Speaker 1: at the time. How I found out was I was

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Speaker 1: in church actually, and I stood up, we were about

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Speaker 1: to leave, we were doing worship, and I just started bleeding,

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Speaker 1: like lots of blood started coming out when I was

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Speaker 1: in church, and I don't normally go to the session,

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Speaker 1: so it was very different for me to be at

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Speaker 1: the session. And my husband was outside, which is something

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Speaker 1: that he doesn't normally do either, And I come out

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Speaker 1: this door and he just sees me and he's like,

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Speaker 1: are you okay? I just feel like being here. I

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Speaker 1: was like I don't know, I'm just bleeding. So we

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Speaker 1: ended up going home and it continued, so we called

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Speaker 1: the ambulance. I'm very hesitant about calling the ambulance obviously

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Speaker 1: now I've been there many times, but this would have

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Speaker 1: been my first time calling the ambulance. So I assumed

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Speaker 1: that when you call the ambulance or you go to hospital,

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Speaker 1: that something's really wrong. I didn't want to take someone

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Speaker 1: else's place. I needed to be really sure that this

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Speaker 1: was something really serious, and so they ended up coming.

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Speaker 1: They did all the tests and they said I was fine,

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Speaker 1: but recommended me to still come in. And I, again,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure, Like if you say I'm fine, like

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Speaker 1: I think I'll be fine, Like I don't really feel

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Speaker 1: like I having to go in. But this way that

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Speaker 1: this guy said to me, and I've actually written his

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Speaker 1: name down as well, he said to me, you really

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Speaker 1: should come in. And I was like, oh, okay, Like

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Speaker 1: that's a bit weird. It was at ten o'clock at night.

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking about my kids, my husband's got work in

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Speaker 1: the morning. So logistics of life, yeah, like I don't

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Speaker 1: know how long will I be there before, Yeah, convenience

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Speaker 1: come in? Yeah, I don't mum. I was busy in there,

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Speaker 1: like it was just like all these things, like I

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Speaker 1: had tired and then I'm gonna be talking tomorrow for

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Speaker 1: the kids. But yeah, So I ended up going and

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Speaker 1: they did all the tears. They said everything was fine.

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Speaker 1: They assumed maybe I had had a miscarriage. So I

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Speaker 1: sort of was like, okay, I had never experienced that before,

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Speaker 1: so I was like, okay, maybe that's what it is,

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Speaker 1: the bleeding all things like that. So after that, he

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Speaker 1: said to me, you should go and see your gynocologist.

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Speaker 1: I actually have a gynocologist, which is I don't normally

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Speaker 1: have these people, but my obstetrician used to be a gynecologist.

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Speaker 1: My birth was actually the last one he became back

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Speaker 1: to a gynocologist. So I was like, okay, I'll go back, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because I was like, I know him. I was so

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Speaker 1: excited to see him again. Yeah, good relationship with him. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So I was like really excited about that. So we

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Speaker 1: ended up He's so booked. So it was like two weeks.

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Speaker 1: So that time, nothing had happened between those two weeks,

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Speaker 1: more bleeding, no more bleeding, nothing. I felt fine, everything

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Speaker 1: was fine. I then went to the obstetrition. I'm like

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Speaker 1: taking photos when I'm walking in, I'm taking photos with him.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited, and you know, I get up on

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Speaker 1: the whatever the seat, and he starts. I don't even

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Speaker 1: know what he's doing, but he's like, you're bleeding a lot,

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Speaker 1: and I was like a perps. No. He was just

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Speaker 1: like I don't even know what he was doing. It

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Speaker 1: was internal though, it's like a little swab type thing,

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Speaker 1: but I'm really bleeding, like I need to stop. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, okay, what does that mean? And then

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Speaker 1: he did the sort of like ultrasound and he said

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Speaker 1: to me, I can see something, but I need to

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Speaker 1: talk to you about it. And I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: then still by yourself. By the way, by myself, I'm

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Speaker 1: thinking that this is just a check out. Absolutely not.

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Speaker 1: I'd see him. Yeah, I'm so like, baby's going great.

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Speaker 1: I have a photo of me like this and he's

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Speaker 1: like down there because I'm just so excited, Like I'm

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Speaker 1: like he's back together because I didn't have in the

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Speaker 1: last my last pregnancy, my third child, because he had

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Speaker 1: already gone back to going to college. So I was

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Speaker 1: like when I found that out, I was like, oh

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Speaker 1: my God, I'm never going to see you again. I

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Speaker 1: wish you know. So, yeah, I was really excited. He

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Speaker 1: ended up sitting me down and he said, I know

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Speaker 1: the type of person you are because obviously I've known

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Speaker 1: you for a long time. She said, I'm just going

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Speaker 1: to be straightforward. And then he said it could be

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Speaker 1: one of like two things, like he said, you could

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Speaker 1: either have a vibroid or cancer. And I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I didn't think anything really, so I said, okay, well

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Speaker 1: what do I do? He is like, you need to

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Speaker 1: go and get tested straight away, like today, and it's

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Speaker 1: already three o'clock. Where am I? Kid, Like, I'm thinking again,

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Speaker 1: not the day. I'm like at the time? Off, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like I was, yeah, So I don't know. I just

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Speaker 1: I didn't really think of anything. I messaged my mom,

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Speaker 1: she's in the same facility where his workers, and I said,

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Speaker 1: you need to come with me. So I was downstairs

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Speaker 1: in reception calling all these places. I need to get

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Speaker 1: an urgent scam, like it has to be today, and

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Speaker 1: then I ended up finding one in Broadbeach. We went

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Speaker 1: down there. I'm still not really thinking anything. I can

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Speaker 1: tell that my mum is sort of thinking something, but

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Speaker 1: like mom's intuition. Yeah, but I'm also just sort of

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Speaker 1: I don't know yet, so I'm not really someone that well.

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Speaker 1: I think knowing you, you're quite a cup full. You're

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Speaker 1: very positive outlook on life, so yeah, leaning on that,

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Speaker 1: I think so yeah, I just wasn't thinking anything. And

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Speaker 1: then when we went and they did the scan, so

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Speaker 1: it was a guy scanner, and then so a girl

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Speaker 1: has to be in there with you, so he was

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Speaker 1: like doing the scan, he wasn't saying anything, which wasn't

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Speaker 1: unusual for me. I've never been through this, so I'm like,

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Speaker 1: maybe they just don't talk. And then I sort of

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Speaker 1: like got a glimpse of the girl and she just

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Speaker 1: didn't look okay, like to the point where I was

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Speaker 1: going to be like, are you okay? Oh wow, yeah,

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Speaker 1: Like I felt her it just felt heavy of whatever

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Speaker 1: she was looking at, and she just sort of was

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Speaker 1: sitting like sitting back. He actually said to me, has

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Speaker 1: anyone talked to you about this? So I said no,

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Speaker 1: like I had my obstutrician, well, my gynecologists, and he

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Speaker 1: said that it could be like one of two things,

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Speaker 1: and he was like, oh okay, then, so you sort

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Speaker 1: of know it could be one of two things. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then I started asking questions like how big is it,

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Speaker 1: like these types of questions, and he said, well, what

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Speaker 1: I can see inside of you? Because I had actually

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Speaker 1: already checked youpt it on the way as if its

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Speaker 1: size of these things, yeah, self diagnosed. Yeah, So it

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Speaker 1: was sort of like anything bigger than three and a

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Speaker 1: half centimeters was normally cancer. Everything that's small is sort

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Speaker 1: of not. And so when he said to me that

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Speaker 1: it was eight centimeters, I sort of already knew. And

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Speaker 1: then straight away I clicked into it's okay, like you

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Speaker 1: don't need to tell me like I already know, because

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to upset him. Yeah, oh, trying to

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Speaker 1: take care of him off me. Sure, and and then

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Speaker 1: I need to go and get my senior to talk

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Speaker 1: to you. And I was like okay. And then they

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Speaker 1: came in, and I feel like they maybe they probably

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Speaker 1: weren't expecting this for a Tuesday afternoon either, that they're

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Speaker 1: telling someone that's young that they have cancer. So they

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Speaker 1: were sort of beating around the bush as well, and

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Speaker 1: I said it's okay, like I sort of already know,

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Speaker 1: and they're like, okay, so you're okay and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I'm okay, let's go like I don't feel yeah, I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be yet take it. Yeah. So I

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Speaker 1: ended up going back to my mum's house and I

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Speaker 1: told my dad and I think, as a family, we're

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Speaker 1: very let's wait to make sure. Let's just really make

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Speaker 1: sure of that. So my obstetrician ended up putting me

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Speaker 1: gynocologis just ended up putting me with the top surgeon

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Speaker 1: that deals with things like cervical cancer, and same thing again.

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Speaker 5: Go in.

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Speaker 1: He tries to do the thing, I'm bleeding too much

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Speaker 1: when you do a biopsy. So I'm doing CT scans

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Speaker 1: and this is all like it felt like forever, but

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Speaker 1: this is all within a week that all of this

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Speaker 1: is sort of happening. One night again, I have another

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Speaker 1: episode of the bleeding again. So this is probably three

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Speaker 1: weeks from my first one because I had to wake

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks for my gynocologists. But this time

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Speaker 1: I'm not feeling well. I think now because I know

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Speaker 1: that it's potentially cancer that now I'm starting to fear

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Speaker 1: what is happening, And you know, you're bleeding out Like

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Speaker 1: I'm talking, these are massive, really big cloths that I like,

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Speaker 1: you're holding your hands with people that cla't see double

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Speaker 1: the size of two tennis balls. Yeah, literally like that,

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Speaker 1: And I'm talking lots almost to where like I'm pushing.

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Speaker 1: I have a friend who has really heavy peers it

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Speaker 1: hers are like that, so I sort of begin wasn't

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Speaker 1: really worried about that, So we went to the hospital again.

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Speaker 1: The ambulance came and got me again, and my husbands

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Speaker 1: didn't even come at that time. I think because I'm

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Speaker 1: calm by nature, I didn't think to worry. But I think,

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Speaker 1: obviously now I realize that I'm not super calm. I

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Speaker 1: just don't want to inconvenience anyone else or let anyone

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Speaker 1: else worry, like I'd rather just wait until I know

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Speaker 1: and then I can talk you through it, if that

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Speaker 1: makes sense. At the same time, because I had already

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Speaker 1: told my husband because I had like a scan already

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Speaker 1: previous to this, so he sort of knew what was

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Speaker 1: going on but didn't quite know how to deal with it.

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Speaker 1: And I think I was really sort of like, to everyone,

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Speaker 1: it's okay, let's just figure it out first before anyone

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Speaker 1: even reacts. I didn't have the capacity for anyone's emotions

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Speaker 1: and then at that stage, so I'm just blocking.

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Speaker 3: Yeah everyone really back to that appointment that did they

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Speaker 3: say me, should you have stage three?

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Speaker 1: No, They're not actually allowed to tell me that, so

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Speaker 1: you just my thought.

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Speaker 3: I said, I think I'm I'm okay, I think I

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Speaker 3: know what it is, and they were like, okay, go

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Speaker 3: off to you.

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Speaker 1: I think I'm the type of person that somebody trusts.

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Speaker 1: So when I asked the question, it's they maybe forget

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Speaker 1: that they're not allowed to tell me that. Does that

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Speaker 1: make an Yeah, Like I probably asked different questions like

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Speaker 1: how big is it? Have you seen this before? So

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Speaker 1: you yeah this? Yeah, And I wasn't meaning to do that.

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Speaker 2: It was just yeah, your natural curiosity was like, okay,

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Speaker 2: I want to unpack this.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, different questions. Yeah, And because where he made the

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Speaker 1: mistake was he said I see fibroids all the time,

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Speaker 1: but I don't see this all the time. So I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, I understand, just like peasing together together, yes,

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Speaker 1: without it being like that. So yeah, So I ended

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Speaker 1: up the second time where I was not feeling good,

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Speaker 1: I ended up going to the hospital. Once I got

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Speaker 1: to the hospital, I was feeling okay, I needed to

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Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. I went to the bathroom, I

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Speaker 1: sat down on the toilet, and I could just feel

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Speaker 1: something wasn't right. So I differently, you hadn't felt before, not, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I hadn't felt like this was almost like my body

246
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Speaker 1: was about to be taken from me. And I actually

247
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Speaker 1: called the buzzer and then I laid on the floor.

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Speaker 1: And at that time, between standing up and laying on

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Speaker 1: the floor, I just had all this blood come out

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Speaker 1: where I sort of just like started to faint, like

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Speaker 1: and I could I remember feeling it was like having

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Speaker 1: small tennis balls coming out, like just all of these

253
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Speaker 1: and then I just remember had fainted obviously, and I

254
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Speaker 1: could just hear all these footsteps around me and you know,

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Speaker 1: me show you away, you know. And I've never heard

256
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Speaker 1: anything like that. So I was probably scared, and my

257
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Speaker 1: body was again shutting down even more than what it

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Speaker 1: already was because I didn't feel safe. My husband wasn't there.

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Speaker 1: I was fully naked as well, as I had to

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Speaker 1: say that was yeah. So I just remember closing my

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Speaker 1: eyes and just didn't want to wake up pretty much.

262
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Speaker 1: Then they put me in the emergency and I was

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Speaker 1: in so much pain. I always talk about this pain

264
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Speaker 1: and sort of being like the ring of fire when

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Speaker 1: you have your baby. Yeah, that's what it felt like.

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Speaker 1: Oh I'm burning, I'm yelling and I'm not a yeller, like,

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Speaker 1: oh my com in so much pain, Like help me,

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Speaker 1: I'm lifting up like my body like it was a

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Speaker 1: whole body experience. But because I had never been to hospital,

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Speaker 1: I had never said that I could have certain things

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Speaker 1: like they needed someone of right mind to tell me

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Speaker 1: that I can have four phine or something four fine

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Speaker 1: or f interannel was what they wanted to give me.

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Speaker 4: That you're not allergic to anything or anything like that.

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Speaker 1: You never no, Yeah, because I drive at Gold Coast

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Speaker 1: Private as well, were natural different hospitals, Yeah, and we

277
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Speaker 1: are of Yeah, so I didn't even have a file

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Speaker 1: really of what's going on.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 1: They ended up giving me the Finchnel and I felt

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Speaker 1: instantly bitter, and I was like, okay, that's instantly, Like instantly,

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Speaker 1: I forget that feeling. And I remember saying to my husband,

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Speaker 1: I understand people, because if you are in pain, that

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Speaker 1: the head of relief. Yeah, instant, it would the way

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Speaker 1: people to honestly instant. Yeah, and then I could talk properly,

286
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Speaker 1: you know, taking a deep breath and then they like,

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Speaker 1: you need to go into emergency surgery. And I was like, Okay,

288
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Speaker 1: what's going on. I'm not really understanding what's going on.

289
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Speaker 1: And what they ended up doing and that surgery was

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Speaker 1: packing me with like gauze because I was bleeding so much.

291
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Speaker 1: I'm bleeding out. Yeah, so we ended up packing me

292
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Speaker 1: with gus. And then that's pretty much how I found

293
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Speaker 1: out when I woke up lots of people talking to me.

294
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Speaker 1: Now I'm meeting cancer nurses, oncologist radiation, and that's when

295
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Speaker 1: I knew for sure that I had cancer. And I

296
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Speaker 1: found out that I had stage three cancer when they

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Speaker 1: told me. Yeah, wow, that must have been so hard

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Speaker 1: to hear. It was the booklets which really done it

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Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, like the cancer like and I was

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Speaker 1: like reading that word. Yeah, I was still curious. I'm

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Speaker 1: a curious person what this is. I've never seen cancer before. Yeah,

302
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Speaker 1: so to me, it's what I see in the movies. Really,

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Speaker 1: I haven't seen anyone close yeah never, so I'd seen

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Speaker 1: like right at the very end of what happens to cancer,

305
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Speaker 1: So I think that that's what I thought it was.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, so that's how I found out and pretty

307
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Speaker 1: much from there. Obviously, it's been the other journey.

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Speaker 2: When you were going through that moment and you were

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Speaker 2: like reading the booklets and you were kind of realizing

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Speaker 2: what was kind of happening. What was going through your

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Speaker 2: mind in that moment, like we were you, was there

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00:14:29,321 --> 00:14:31,921
Speaker 2: anything specific you were processing what was happening? Where were

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Speaker 2: your thoughts going.

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Speaker 1: Honestly, it was really interesting to me to find out

315
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Speaker 1: all of this and to be reading about it, and

316
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Speaker 1: I just felt like I knew so much new information.

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Speaker 1: I think my mind wasn't really understanding what I was

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Speaker 1: going through. I think I was blocking a lot of

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Speaker 1: that and just being oh, this is interesting, like this

320
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Speaker 1: is about do you know what I mean? Yeah? I

321
00:14:54,921 --> 00:14:57,921
Speaker 1: didn't even think for a second like this is going

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Speaker 1: to suck. Yeah, like I don't know at that time, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I didn't.

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Speaker 4: It was like an element of shock.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it is just.

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Speaker 3: Not I be able to walk us through stage one,

327
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Speaker 3: stage two, stage three, stage four.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is so stage three. So when I first

329
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Speaker 1: was diagnosed with stage three, it meant that it was

330
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Speaker 1: just in one area, okay, and then once they had

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Speaker 1: done surgery, I went up to stage three C soh yeah.

332
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Speaker 1: So it's like different letters as well. Yeah, so stage

333
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Speaker 1: three C means that it has now spread to my

334
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Speaker 1: lymph nodes, so they couldn't perform surgery. That's a lot

335
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,121
Speaker 1: of questions I get us, like why can't you just

336
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Speaker 1: get surgery and just do a full hys direct to me,

337
00:15:37,961 --> 00:15:40,641
Speaker 1: because that's what people do as well. But because it

338
00:15:40,681 --> 00:15:43,161
Speaker 1: had spread to my lymph notes, you can't do a

339
00:15:43,201 --> 00:15:45,321
Speaker 1: full hysterect to me because it will still be in

340
00:15:45,321 --> 00:15:47,081
Speaker 1: your lymph notes, so I would still need to go

341
00:15:47,161 --> 00:15:51,441
Speaker 1: through the chemo and the radiation. So their idea is

342
00:15:51,481 --> 00:15:53,841
Speaker 1: to have the chemo on the radiation and then they

343
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Speaker 1: shrink it and then see where I go from there.

344
00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:59,401
Speaker 1: But then stage four obviously meaning that has spread to

345
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Speaker 1: other parts of your body, which could mean that you're terminal.

346
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:06,561
Speaker 1: I haven't looked too much of what that means because

347
00:16:06,641 --> 00:16:10,521
Speaker 1: that is my next stage if this didn't work, So

348
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Speaker 1: I'm solely focusing on that. It is just stage three C,

349
00:16:15,561 --> 00:16:18,481
Speaker 1: and that's yeah, what it is. But in saying that

350
00:16:19,001 --> 00:16:21,881
Speaker 1: stage one and stage two, if I had had a

351
00:16:21,921 --> 00:16:26,121
Speaker 1: pap smear, they would have known that way earlier on.

352
00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:29,761
Speaker 1: You know, cervical cancer is the slowest growing which means

353
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Speaker 1: that I've probably had this around four years. So that

354
00:16:34,321 --> 00:16:37,761
Speaker 1: was a little bit shocking. And because I had complications

355
00:16:37,761 --> 00:16:41,121
Speaker 1: throughout my pregnancies both of my last two children, where

356
00:16:41,161 --> 00:16:44,681
Speaker 1: I was bleeding throughout, and so that was hard and

357
00:16:44,721 --> 00:16:48,041
Speaker 1: they couldn't pick up on the fact that actually that

358
00:16:48,161 --> 00:16:50,801
Speaker 1: was a tumor bleeding and not me and or me

359
00:16:50,841 --> 00:16:53,281
Speaker 1: getting my period or anything like that. And because I

360
00:16:53,361 --> 00:16:55,721
Speaker 1: had been told that, you know, you could still get

361
00:16:55,761 --> 00:16:57,641
Speaker 1: your period, and I seen other women get it as well,

362
00:16:57,681 --> 00:17:00,481
Speaker 1: so I thought, Okay, I didn't think I had cancer throughout,

363
00:17:01,081 --> 00:17:03,921
Speaker 1: you know, so when I had actually sort of found

364
00:17:03,921 --> 00:17:08,401
Speaker 1: out that, it's hard to say. I wish I found

365
00:17:08,401 --> 00:17:11,321
Speaker 1: out earlier because then I wouldn't have had my two kids.

366
00:17:11,561 --> 00:17:14,840
Speaker 1: Oh right, you know, so you go into this sort

367
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:21,601
Speaker 1: of fear gratitude at the same time type of thing. Tricky. Yeah, yeah, so.

368
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,161
Speaker 3: You're like, thank goodness it all happened the way it did.

369
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Speaker 3: But also both can coexist like.

370
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:29,360
Speaker 1: One hundred percent, like coags are seen at the same time,

371
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:32,561
Speaker 1: and just really it's funny because it's me that's doing it.

372
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,440
Speaker 1: But it's almost like I'm two people. Yes, one's not

373
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Speaker 1: worse than the other, but yeah. Yeah, I'm just like,

374
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,080
Speaker 1: I'm grateful that I have the kids and yeah, yeah.

375
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Speaker 4: And you wouldn't change that for the world.

376
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Speaker 1: I wouldn't change that potentially finding out the answers, Not

377
00:17:47,721 --> 00:17:50,201
Speaker 1: that I would change it, but maybe I would think

378
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Speaker 1: differently because now if they would obviously be without me,

379
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Speaker 1: then that is also hard.

380
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Speaker 4: Yeah.

381
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,281
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a whole other hurd fish, that's a whole

382
00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,001
Speaker 1: other thing. Yeah.

383
00:17:58,041 --> 00:18:00,361
Speaker 3: Yeacause when I saw you at dance class last time,

384
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,400
Speaker 3: I remember you saying you said you won't actually know

385
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,001
Speaker 3: until February if this is all worse.

386
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,281
Speaker 1: Can you explain how that? Yes, So, because the radiation

387
00:18:08,801 --> 00:18:12,200
Speaker 1: means that you are inflamed, like your stomach is inflamed,

388
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,400
Speaker 1: so when they do the CT scan, they can't tell

389
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:19,161
Speaker 1: if it's inflammation or if it's cancer. Oh wow, yes,

390
00:18:19,481 --> 00:18:22,840
Speaker 1: so odd. Yeah. So, because I have superlalcans, I've got

391
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,720
Speaker 1: to wait so long. But because I've been sick, it

392
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,321
Speaker 1: keeps getting pushed because I'm getting all these issues and

393
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:31,400
Speaker 1: things like that. And ideally what is meant to happen

394
00:18:31,721 --> 00:18:34,240
Speaker 1: for me is that I could have gone through this

395
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:36,640
Speaker 1: radiation chemotherapy and sort of just had a rest and

396
00:18:36,721 --> 00:18:39,200
Speaker 1: healed and then you know, had some time before I

397
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,160
Speaker 1: you know, found out the answers, whereas you know, this

398
00:18:42,201 --> 00:18:44,080
Speaker 1: is the longest time I've been out of hospital, two

399
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:47,761
Speaker 1: weeks since June, and like, I feel good, but I

400
00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:52,041
Speaker 1: always feel good, you know, so it's yeah, so I'm

401
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,801
Speaker 1: going to be finding out in Fearbru. I've got my

402
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,761
Speaker 1: scan sort of in jam and then they wait a

403
00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:57,240
Speaker 1: couple of weeks and then you find out if it

404
00:18:57,321 --> 00:19:00,041
Speaker 1: has worked or not. And I haven't asked too much

405
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,161
Speaker 1: questions what that means, because they tell me every time

406
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,960
Speaker 1: it's shrinking, they say it's shrinking, it's drinking, and I'm like,

407
00:19:06,961 --> 00:19:08,521
Speaker 1: but I don't know, does that mean that it's going

408
00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:11,521
Speaker 1: to keep growing? Like I haven't really asked those questions yet.

409
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:17,080
Speaker 1: And the doctors, the oncologist doctors don't really prepare you

410
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,241
Speaker 1: for things. They sort of just tell you how it

411
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,561
Speaker 1: is right now. Obviously there's a reason for that, and

412
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,321
Speaker 1: maybe they don't want you to worry or you know,

413
00:19:24,521 --> 00:19:27,761
Speaker 1: I'm not too sure, but it's very much like, yeah,

414
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,880
Speaker 1: they just stay by day. They just don't tell you

415
00:19:30,041 --> 00:19:33,001
Speaker 1: like what if or maybe I'm not actually asking and

416
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:35,001
Speaker 1: I'm thinking that I'm asking in there, but I'm not

417
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,880
Speaker 1: actually asking, like what's going to happen to me?

418
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:37,360
Speaker 5: You know?

419
00:19:38,521 --> 00:19:40,400
Speaker 1: Can you take us back? So you've found out?

420
00:19:40,521 --> 00:19:43,360
Speaker 3: And then when did they start the chemo in the

421
00:19:43,441 --> 00:19:45,761
Speaker 3: radiation and I know you're in hospital twice a day

422
00:19:45,801 --> 00:19:46,680
Speaker 3: for like six weeks.

423
00:19:46,681 --> 00:19:47,521
Speaker 1: Can you take us through that?

424
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:47,880
Speaker 5: Yes?

425
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,401
Speaker 1: So when I got the packing is when it all

426
00:19:50,441 --> 00:19:54,360
Speaker 1: started straight away, right at the start. So I ended

427
00:19:54,441 --> 00:19:56,080
Speaker 1: up doing the mapping, which is where you go into

428
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,761
Speaker 1: the scan and they map out where they're going to

429
00:19:57,761 --> 00:20:01,600
Speaker 1: target the cancer from the radiologist. And I went into

430
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:04,561
Speaker 1: that mapping and you know, I'm in a wheelchair. I

431
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,640
Speaker 1: already she being six three months prior, had rhinovirus because

432
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,721
Speaker 1: my immunity was so low, I was not all there

433
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,360
Speaker 1: at all. I'm being wheeled in a wheelchair, and I

434
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:18,401
Speaker 1: can see a girl and like I noticed her. I've

435
00:20:18,441 --> 00:20:20,600
Speaker 1: seen her before somewhere, and I can just tell that

436
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:23,080
Speaker 1: she's looking at me. And that was really hard for

437
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,081
Speaker 1: the mapping part of it, because again now I'm being

438
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,201
Speaker 1: vulnerable as and I've got to take my pants off,

439
00:20:28,281 --> 00:20:30,001
Speaker 1: like I've got to, you know, and there's like five

440
00:20:30,041 --> 00:20:33,680
Speaker 1: people in there that are you know, all of my

441
00:20:33,761 --> 00:20:36,680
Speaker 1: business but it's not. It's not that I wouldn't mind

442
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,640
Speaker 1: I'm minding because I'm bleeding. Yeah, you know, so I

443
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,321
Speaker 1: feel like that's a lot more vulnerable.

444
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,481
Speaker 4: It's a hundred yeah, yeah vulnerable.

445
00:20:43,681 --> 00:20:45,680
Speaker 1: So yeah, so we're doing the mapping everything like that.

446
00:20:45,761 --> 00:20:48,281
Speaker 1: We go back and I pretty much start the radiation

447
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,400
Speaker 1: whilst in hospital. So when I look back now, I

448
00:20:52,441 --> 00:20:55,961
Speaker 1: probably would have asked how much longer I could have waited,

449
00:20:56,961 --> 00:21:01,400
Speaker 1: only because I wasn't. Wow, already, I'm starting chemo and

450
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,360
Speaker 1: I'm starting radiation and it's making it probably worse to me,

451
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,081
Speaker 1: which is probably why I've had. You know, I'm asleep

452
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,720
Speaker 1: most of the day because they're giving me oxy coating

453
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,801
Speaker 1: and fintanol and morphine, and you know, it did become

454
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,640
Speaker 1: quite a laugh because I would just be asleep for days,

455
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,081
Speaker 1: like not that it's laughable, but because even panandole does

456
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,640
Speaker 1: that to me. I don't take pananto, I don't take anything.

457
00:21:21,001 --> 00:21:23,600
Speaker 1: So I was really just out all the time. But

458
00:21:23,681 --> 00:21:28,400
Speaker 1: I started that radiation inside there, and it's not what

459
00:21:28,441 --> 00:21:30,120
Speaker 1: I thought it was. I don't even know what I

460
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,680
Speaker 1: thought it was, to be honest. Like you just go

461
00:21:31,761 --> 00:21:33,801
Speaker 1: in there and you just lay down it's two minutes

462
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,080
Speaker 1: and you sort of just leave mine. Anyway. It was

463
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,720
Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, the girls were lovely. Did it hurt? No, no,

464
00:21:41,721 --> 00:21:43,120
Speaker 1: none of it hurt. Are you laying down one of

465
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:45,481
Speaker 1: those machines? Yeah, it's back in. No, No, I'm laying

466
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,881
Speaker 1: down a machine and it goes around you. Oh yeah,

467
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,120
Speaker 1: it goes around you and targets everything. So at the start,

468
00:21:50,241 --> 00:21:53,120
Speaker 1: absolutely no pain. I'm there every day, so you've got

469
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,641
Speaker 1: to go in every day. So at some stage between here,

470
00:21:55,681 --> 00:21:58,720
Speaker 1: I've gone home, but I'm in Beard most days, and

471
00:21:58,721 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 1: then the only time I'm getting out is to go

472
00:22:00,801 --> 00:22:03,721
Speaker 1: to radiation. Yeah, And I look back at that now,

473
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:06,041
Speaker 1: and that was really good for me because once I

474
00:22:06,041 --> 00:22:08,920
Speaker 1: stopped the radiation, I didn't get out of BID because

475
00:22:08,921 --> 00:22:10,721
Speaker 1: that was the only reason why I got out of BID.

476
00:22:11,001 --> 00:22:14,161
Speaker 1: So it really forced me to and also been around

477
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,001
Speaker 1: other people. I think that was my only interaction obviously

478
00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:20,001
Speaker 1: my kids and my husband. It was vulnerable too, because

479
00:22:20,001 --> 00:22:22,281
Speaker 1: I knew the girl in there that was doing it

480
00:22:22,321 --> 00:22:26,321
Speaker 1: as well, and I felt like I hadn't told people

481
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,161
Speaker 1: and people already knew, you know, and it became really

482
00:22:30,201 --> 00:22:32,521
Speaker 1: hard for me to navigate that. So I did ended

483
00:22:32,561 --> 00:22:36,521
Speaker 1: up telling social media and obviously I'm a very private person,

484
00:22:36,561 --> 00:22:39,681
Speaker 1: so that was really big, big for me to actually do.

485
00:22:40,041 --> 00:22:41,441
Speaker 1: But once I did that, it was like a sign

486
00:22:41,441 --> 00:22:43,641
Speaker 1: of relief because I had been sick. You know, I've

487
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,961
Speaker 1: been in hospital, people not knowing for a month now

488
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:49,281
Speaker 1: and no one knew anything.

489
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,400
Speaker 3: And even our private dance class like the timing of that, yeah,

490
00:22:52,441 --> 00:22:56,481
Speaker 3: like no one would have known, no bubbly dancing.

491
00:22:56,761 --> 00:22:58,480
Speaker 1: Yes, I was still showing up for work, doing what

492
00:22:58,521 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 1: I can. Yeah.

493
00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:03,081
Speaker 2: Yeah, that itself would have been such a heavy weight

494
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,360
Speaker 2: to carry because you're trying to as if nothing is happening,

495
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,640
Speaker 2: but you're having your own experience.

496
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:08,881
Speaker 4: It's a big life changing thing.

497
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:11,200
Speaker 2: That's you know, come and taking your life by storm

498
00:23:11,281 --> 00:23:12,721
Speaker 2: and then having to feel like you need to be

499
00:23:12,761 --> 00:23:13,440
Speaker 2: a certain way.

500
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:14,801
Speaker 4: It's like, yeah, weight in itself.

501
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,960
Speaker 1: Yes, it definitely was. I didn't look at it like that.

502
00:23:17,041 --> 00:23:19,440
Speaker 1: I feel like it was taking my mind off at

503
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,601
Speaker 1: the time, you know, normal again. Yeah, like when I'm

504
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 1: coming into the studio and doing your one on ones,

505
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,721
Speaker 1: like I wasn't thinking, you know. I think one time

506
00:23:26,961 --> 00:23:29,241
Speaker 1: I remember looking at my hand and I still had

507
00:23:29,281 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 1: the the thing on and I'm teaching in class, teaching,

508
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:35,281
Speaker 1: and I've still got my hospital band on. I'm just like, no,

509
00:23:35,321 --> 00:23:38,200
Speaker 1: I'm coming straight from hospital to there, you know. But

510
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,921
Speaker 1: when I'm in the studio, I feel okay. Yeah, that's

511
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:44,041
Speaker 1: the thing. Yeah, you know, when I'm not okay, I'm

512
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:46,921
Speaker 1: not so I'm not there. So I was never pushing

513
00:23:46,921 --> 00:23:49,720
Speaker 1: myself beyond limits. I wasn't pushing my body, but I

514
00:23:49,721 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 1: think I was pushing my mind if that yeah, I

515
00:23:52,761 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: can do this, it's yeah. I started all that, and

516
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,880
Speaker 1: then yet with the radiation every day for seven weeks,

517
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,521
Speaker 1: I think I had twenty eight rounds every day, just radiation,

518
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:06,721
Speaker 1: not chemo. Yet chemo was Monday, oh so once a week,

519
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,640
Speaker 1: once a week. So I had the first three and

520
00:24:09,681 --> 00:24:12,080
Speaker 1: then I started to get sick, so I didn't end

521
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:13,400
Speaker 1: up having three and four, and then I had the

522
00:24:13,441 --> 00:24:16,001
Speaker 1: last one five as well. So I was in and

523
00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:18,041
Speaker 1: out of hospital throughout that whole period because I would

524
00:24:18,041 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 1: get sick. You do radiation that you get this, you know,

525
00:24:20,681 --> 00:24:23,521
Speaker 1: they're burning me, if that makes sense. They're burning my bow.

526
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:26,561
Speaker 1: So I'm having issues with going to the toilet, or

527
00:24:26,561 --> 00:24:28,961
Speaker 1: I'm going to the toilet too much, or because I'm

528
00:24:28,961 --> 00:24:32,120
Speaker 1: in and out of emergency I'm catching other things like

529
00:24:32,241 --> 00:24:36,001
Speaker 1: so's Yeah it wasn't even a good time. Yeah, just

530
00:24:36,201 --> 00:24:38,761
Speaker 1: catching a lot of things. But again, this is where

531
00:24:38,801 --> 00:24:41,761
Speaker 1: I started to figure out sort of what cancer looked like.

532
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:45,161
Speaker 1: So when you walk in, there's a cancer ward, which

533
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 1: I didn't even know that. So there's a chemo where

534
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:49,721
Speaker 1: people get chemo or they might be getting something else

535
00:24:49,801 --> 00:24:52,880
Speaker 1: to do with cancer, and people are there like in

536
00:24:53,481 --> 00:24:57,960
Speaker 1: their work uniform, just coming in getting it and then leaving.

537
00:24:58,201 --> 00:25:00,561
Speaker 1: Like it wasn't what I thought it was going to be,

538
00:25:00,681 --> 00:25:04,120
Speaker 1: you know, like everyone you know lost their hair or

539
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 1: everyone was really free, Like that's what I assumed it

540
00:25:07,041 --> 00:25:10,400
Speaker 1: was going to be. But it just looked nor visual

541
00:25:10,481 --> 00:25:13,840
Speaker 1: almost to me. Yeah, like it was normal. People are smiling,

542
00:25:14,041 --> 00:25:17,200
Speaker 1: people are it was, you know, And I feel like

543
00:25:17,921 --> 00:25:19,961
Speaker 1: a lot changed for me during that, you know, when

544
00:25:19,961 --> 00:25:22,920
Speaker 1: I would go out again after just having chemo, just

545
00:25:22,961 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 1: having radiation, and I'd be at a cafe like and

546
00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:27,120
Speaker 1: I would think to myself, like no one would know

547
00:25:27,241 --> 00:25:29,281
Speaker 1: what I'm doing right now, you know, And I feel

548
00:25:29,321 --> 00:25:31,360
Speaker 1: like that made me think about other people, Like I

549
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,161
Speaker 1: wonder what other people were going through. So I learned

550
00:25:34,201 --> 00:25:38,921
Speaker 1: a lot through that and to be kinder to people. Yeah,

551
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:44,321
Speaker 1: just more compassionate, just thinking about other people. Yeah, yeah,

552
00:25:44,321 --> 00:25:47,321
Speaker 1: so I really I really liked that. Actually that was

553
00:25:48,041 --> 00:25:50,721
Speaker 1: lovely really a good sort of thing to take away

554
00:25:50,721 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 1: from me. But yeah, the chemo and the radiation, I

555
00:25:54,201 --> 00:25:58,281
Speaker 1: didn't get their fixed after it all happened. Oh okay, Yeah,

556
00:25:58,321 --> 00:26:00,681
Speaker 1: So I thought once we sort of finished, it was

557
00:26:00,721 --> 00:26:03,600
Speaker 1: like okay, done, Yeah, but it wasn't until the effis

558
00:26:03,681 --> 00:26:06,121
Speaker 1: come in later. So I then to Brisbane and did

559
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,761
Speaker 1: the brecotherapy, which was the internal radiation. So they have

560
00:26:09,921 --> 00:26:12,801
Speaker 1: the sticks inside of you and you lay flat for

561
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,640
Speaker 1: three days. You can't move for three days. You've got

562
00:26:14,681 --> 00:26:20,761
Speaker 1: epydura and you can't move and about that. That was

563
00:26:20,801 --> 00:26:22,961
Speaker 1: meant to be the hardest part, but I actually found

564
00:26:23,001 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 1: that the most easiest part. Interesting. Yeah, I think I

565
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,761
Speaker 1: don't know if it was because they don't really come

566
00:26:27,761 --> 00:26:29,281
Speaker 1: in and no one's really doing it that you sort

567
00:26:29,281 --> 00:26:30,680
Speaker 1: of just sit there for three days. And I had

568
00:26:30,721 --> 00:26:32,721
Speaker 1: three days of just sort of being by myself and

569
00:26:32,761 --> 00:26:35,321
Speaker 1: no one really doing anything for me. You had your

570
00:26:35,721 --> 00:26:38,081
Speaker 1: morphine button that you had to obviously keep pressing for pain,

571
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,840
Speaker 1: but I didn't feel any pain or discomfort. Everyone was

572
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:44,321
Speaker 1: really nice and I actually hadn't spoken to one of

573
00:26:44,321 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 1: my friends for about three months, and so we spoke

574
00:26:46,921 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 1: for majority of that time. I hadn't really spoken to

575
00:26:49,721 --> 00:26:52,240
Speaker 1: a lot of my friends throughout that whole period, so

576
00:26:52,481 --> 00:26:54,200
Speaker 1: was I was speaking to different people, and so it

577
00:26:54,241 --> 00:26:56,680
Speaker 1: was sort of made it nicer. I feel, you know,

578
00:26:56,721 --> 00:26:59,881
Speaker 1: connection as medicine. So I really felt that beautiful person. Yeah,

579
00:27:00,281 --> 00:27:01,841
Speaker 1: I really felt that throughout.

580
00:27:02,201 --> 00:27:06,561
Speaker 3: That's so nice being among myself. I can't even begin

581
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:10,161
Speaker 3: to imagine having to tell, especially your oldest, it's your

582
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 3: oldest ten. She's just an eleven eleven, and I've got

583
00:27:12,961 --> 00:27:16,561
Speaker 3: a ten year old life if you're open to it.

584
00:27:16,481 --> 00:27:18,200
Speaker 3: It doesn't sound like there was even much time to

585
00:27:18,201 --> 00:27:19,920
Speaker 3: sit her down and have a conversation. But I know

586
00:27:19,961 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 3: she's very emotionally intelligent. Yes, how did you approach that

587
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:26,481
Speaker 3: with her? Compared to your youngest? Do they understand? How

588
00:27:26,481 --> 00:27:29,241
Speaker 3: do you think they're coping with it? Do they ask questions?

589
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:34,841
Speaker 1: My son he's only just turned twos, like you, He's

590
00:27:34,921 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: jumping on me when I'm coming home my oldest daughter.

591
00:27:40,441 --> 00:27:43,321
Speaker 1: I don't think that she realized till later on. So

592
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 1: I had told her, but I guess I don't know

593
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: how to tell her, you know, Like I just said

594
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:50,880
Speaker 1: to her, like I have cancer and I'm going to

595
00:27:50,921 --> 00:27:52,761
Speaker 1: be getting treated for her in the hospital every day.

596
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: And she was sort of like okay, And so I

597
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:58,201
Speaker 1: was like okay. I wasn't emotional or anything like that.

598
00:27:58,681 --> 00:28:01,481
Speaker 1: I believed in what I was doing. I have this,

599
00:28:01,481 --> 00:28:03,321
Speaker 1: this is going to happen, and this is the outcome.

600
00:28:03,801 --> 00:28:06,480
Speaker 1: So why would I think anything different that create safety

601
00:28:06,521 --> 00:28:08,521
Speaker 1: for her too. It's like, Okay, mom's sick, she's getting treatment,

602
00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:11,281
Speaker 1: she's coming out one hundred percent. Yeah, I didn't think anything.

603
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,801
Speaker 1: So she ended up staying at my parents' house throughout

604
00:28:13,801 --> 00:28:16,360
Speaker 1: the whole process. They live close to her school. She

605
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 1: didn't really see, if that makes sense. Yeah, she didn't really.

606
00:28:19,201 --> 00:28:21,681
Speaker 1: She would come home on the weekends, but I would

607
00:28:21,681 --> 00:28:24,400
Speaker 1: either actually be in hospital or if I'm out of hospital,

608
00:28:24,441 --> 00:28:26,200
Speaker 1: I'm okay, So I'm sort of doing things. So she

609
00:28:26,241 --> 00:28:30,281
Speaker 1: didn't really see. It wasn't until her friends actually edited

610
00:28:30,321 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 1: me on Instagram like yeah, and one of them went

611
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:35,641
Speaker 1: up to her and said, like, you know, your mom

612
00:28:35,681 --> 00:28:38,761
Speaker 1: has cancer, and she was like yeah, I know. Like

613
00:28:38,841 --> 00:28:41,241
Speaker 1: and that's with a conversation, yeah, a sort of cart

614
00:28:41,361 --> 00:28:43,121
Speaker 1: like are you not scared? Are you not this? And

615
00:28:43,161 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: so then that's when she came home and said to me, like,

616
00:28:47,241 --> 00:28:49,601
Speaker 1: does this mean that you're going to like die? I said,

617
00:28:49,721 --> 00:28:51,561
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, Like this is what I've been told,

618
00:28:51,801 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 1: this is what's going to happen, and this is what

619
00:28:54,001 --> 00:28:55,641
Speaker 1: I believe is going to be happen. And so she

620
00:28:55,721 --> 00:28:58,361
Speaker 1: was like okay, and I was like, yeah, okay. There

621
00:28:58,401 --> 00:29:00,281
Speaker 1: will be definitely a lot of unpacking that I'll need

622
00:29:00,321 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: to do with that later on. At that time, I

623
00:29:02,481 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 1: didn't have the capacity for her or her emotions or

624
00:29:06,361 --> 00:29:09,081
Speaker 1: the questions because I guess no one's really asked you.

625
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:10,961
Speaker 1: You know, she's only a child. So that's why she

626
00:29:11,241 --> 00:29:14,281
Speaker 1: feels probably confident asking me, are you gonna die? You know,

627
00:29:14,441 --> 00:29:16,441
Speaker 1: I don't think my mom and my husband's gonna ask

628
00:29:16,481 --> 00:29:19,401
Speaker 1: me that. She was probably shouted from it quite a lot.

629
00:29:20,161 --> 00:29:23,881
Speaker 1: My youngest daughter, not so much when I she is

630
00:29:23,961 --> 00:29:28,681
Speaker 1: three almost four, Yes, yes, yeah, So just things that

631
00:29:28,721 --> 00:29:33,201
Speaker 1: she says like you know, no filter kids, yes like that,

632
00:29:33,321 --> 00:29:35,121
Speaker 1: or things that she shouldn't know, you know, like oh

633
00:29:35,161 --> 00:29:37,561
Speaker 1: you going are you going to hospital again? Or are

634
00:29:37,601 --> 00:29:40,521
Speaker 1: you getting that machine again? Or if I'm second bid?

635
00:29:40,641 --> 00:29:43,401
Speaker 1: She would bring all of her toy. Oh there, she said,

636
00:29:43,401 --> 00:29:45,321
Speaker 1: it's okay, like I'll look after you and you know,

637
00:29:45,361 --> 00:29:48,081
Speaker 1: please don't go to the hospital, like I'll get you water,

638
00:29:48,401 --> 00:29:50,721
Speaker 1: like I'll do this. So like she was very sort

639
00:29:50,761 --> 00:29:52,841
Speaker 1: of attentive to that, and then when I would go

640
00:29:52,921 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 1: to hospital, she would obviously be crying a lot. It

641
00:29:55,481 --> 00:29:59,001
Speaker 1: was that was very sad, And there was times there

642
00:29:59,001 --> 00:30:01,481
Speaker 1: where when I'm in hospital, obviously I posted bout it

643
00:30:01,481 --> 00:30:02,801
Speaker 1: and people want to come see me, but you're not

644
00:30:02,841 --> 00:30:05,081
Speaker 1: actually allowed to come see me because I don't I

645
00:30:05,081 --> 00:30:07,401
Speaker 1: don't know what I have and I could either maybe

646
00:30:07,401 --> 00:30:08,881
Speaker 1: give it to you or you could give me something

647
00:30:08,881 --> 00:30:11,521
Speaker 1: that you have. Yeah, so people are not actually allowed

648
00:30:11,521 --> 00:30:12,801
Speaker 1: to see you. So there was a period there or

649
00:30:12,841 --> 00:30:16,401
Speaker 1: I didn't see isolating. Yes, see my kids, So I'm

650
00:30:16,441 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 1: not allowed to see anyone. Oh wow, you.

651
00:30:18,721 --> 00:30:20,801
Speaker 2: Would think that it would be like family they allow

652
00:30:20,921 --> 00:30:23,121
Speaker 2: or they have some certain flexibility around us.

653
00:30:23,201 --> 00:30:25,681
Speaker 1: It's actually worse because they carry the gym.

654
00:30:26,161 --> 00:30:30,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, everything touch everything, so like, what do you mean

655
00:30:30,761 --> 00:30:32,761
Speaker 3: I have to have a shower years.

656
00:30:32,881 --> 00:30:35,601
Speaker 1: So there was one stage there were that was really emotional.

657
00:30:35,641 --> 00:30:37,641
Speaker 1: I'd rung her and she was just so upset, asking

658
00:30:37,641 --> 00:30:41,001
Speaker 1: me to come home and I'm crying, she's crying, and

659
00:30:41,041 --> 00:30:42,921
Speaker 1: then you know, when she came in, it was it

660
00:30:42,961 --> 00:30:45,521
Speaker 1: was so beautiful, like I just feel so connected to her.

661
00:30:46,161 --> 00:30:50,121
Speaker 1: I felt that was definitely very hard for her. And

662
00:30:50,201 --> 00:30:53,681
Speaker 1: even now if I'm today, where are you going? You know,

663
00:30:53,681 --> 00:30:56,240
Speaker 1: I'm just doing a podcast? You know what's that is that?

664
00:30:56,321 --> 00:30:59,240
Speaker 1: At the hospital? You know, it's just like the curiosity

665
00:31:00,001 --> 00:31:02,681
Speaker 1: with you. Yes, yeah, And then they do give you

666
00:31:02,761 --> 00:31:07,601
Speaker 1: little books and things like that. They're not like great,

667
00:31:08,081 --> 00:31:11,681
Speaker 1: like mom has cancer, day has cancer, Grandma has like

668
00:31:10,961 --> 00:31:13,641
Speaker 1: a cancer, and this whole book so like my momber

669
00:31:13,681 --> 00:31:15,001
Speaker 1: my dad reading it and he was like, oh, I

670
00:31:15,041 --> 00:31:16,881
Speaker 1: don't think we should be reading this. I feel like

671
00:31:16,881 --> 00:31:21,161
Speaker 1: everyone's got cancer. Like this is confusing. It is, it

672
00:31:21,241 --> 00:31:23,881
Speaker 1: is confusing. So I didn't. But I let them see

673
00:31:23,881 --> 00:31:25,761
Speaker 1: me when I'm sick. I let them see me when

674
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:29,761
Speaker 1: I'm upset. I let them see me how I overcome things.

675
00:31:30,121 --> 00:31:32,161
Speaker 1: And I think that's just the best that I can do.

676
00:31:32,801 --> 00:31:35,361
Speaker 1: My daughter will sit the other day spewing, her first

677
00:31:35,361 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 1: time spewing, and youngest one, my yeah, all youngest, and

678
00:31:39,321 --> 00:31:41,201
Speaker 1: she was spewing in the middle of the night and

679
00:31:41,281 --> 00:31:42,881
Speaker 1: she was just spewing and then she'd go back to

680
00:31:42,881 --> 00:31:46,161
Speaker 1: sleep and then go back to sleep not phazed. Woke

681
00:31:46,241 --> 00:31:48,041
Speaker 1: up in the morning and she was like, I'm spewing

682
00:31:48,081 --> 00:31:51,201
Speaker 1: like you mummy like and just carried on with life.

683
00:31:51,281 --> 00:31:54,361
Speaker 1: And I thought, oh, because I'm freaking obviously just spewing

684
00:31:54,361 --> 00:31:59,361
Speaker 1: all through my bit and I'm also like not allowed

685
00:31:59,401 --> 00:32:01,041
Speaker 1: to be around spear at the same time, so I'm

686
00:32:01,081 --> 00:32:04,241
Speaker 1: like that going on, you know. But yeah, like, because

687
00:32:04,241 --> 00:32:07,841
Speaker 1: I've showed when you spewing, it's like sort of okay, yeah,

688
00:32:07,961 --> 00:32:10,161
Speaker 1: you'll be okay, it's going to be okay, And actually didn't,

689
00:32:10,201 --> 00:32:15,281
Speaker 1: so I started to notice those funs literally incredible to go.

690
00:32:15,441 --> 00:32:18,241
Speaker 1: So yeah, so that's definitely how they have taken it.

691
00:32:18,441 --> 00:32:20,760
Speaker 1: Maybe later on might be a little bit different and

692
00:32:20,801 --> 00:32:24,041
Speaker 1: you have a few more conversations and hard conversations of course.

693
00:32:24,241 --> 00:32:28,321
Speaker 3: Yeah, and what about Robbie, which is your beautiful supportive husband. Yes,

694
00:32:28,561 --> 00:32:30,801
Speaker 3: you know, it's I feel like even through it's obviously

695
00:32:30,881 --> 00:32:33,401
Speaker 3: very different, but just through parenthood and birth, like the

696
00:32:33,481 --> 00:32:36,001
Speaker 3: dads kind of get forgotten about and not realizing they're

697
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:38,561
Speaker 3: going through all this with you, just not the physical experience,

698
00:32:38,601 --> 00:32:40,281
Speaker 3: but obviously loves the fuck out of you.

699
00:32:40,401 --> 00:32:41,721
Speaker 1: Yes, and he's trying.

700
00:32:41,481 --> 00:32:43,081
Speaker 3: To be a dad and run his business and make

701
00:32:43,081 --> 00:32:45,361
Speaker 3: sure you're okay, Like, can you walk us through how

702
00:32:45,401 --> 00:32:49,081
Speaker 3: that's impacted your relationship, your intimacy, your connection, how he's

703
00:32:49,081 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 3: coping mentally with it?

704
00:32:50,801 --> 00:32:54,241
Speaker 1: Yes, so my husband, honestly, he's just here, is the best.

705
00:32:54,321 --> 00:32:57,041
Speaker 1: He's amazing. Yeah, he really is a beautiful man. Yes,

706
00:32:57,321 --> 00:33:02,121
Speaker 1: and definitely has tested the relationship. I can imagine because

707
00:33:03,321 --> 00:33:07,480
Speaker 1: his capacity is only so much and I'm only talking

708
00:33:07,521 --> 00:33:11,241
Speaker 1: to him. I only trust him to know all this information,

709
00:33:11,961 --> 00:33:16,321
Speaker 1: so I'm just directing everything at him. He's your rock,

710
00:33:16,521 --> 00:33:19,280
Speaker 1: that's it, you know. So what am I doing? I

711
00:33:19,321 --> 00:33:21,801
Speaker 1: need you to know. I need the answers from you.

712
00:33:21,961 --> 00:33:24,201
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? And I don't think

713
00:33:24,241 --> 00:33:26,641
Speaker 1: that I ever considered how he was feeling at the

714
00:33:26,681 --> 00:33:30,001
Speaker 1: start or how he was doing it, because my capacity

715
00:33:30,041 --> 00:33:33,921
Speaker 1: has always been so full. So I'm able to make

716
00:33:33,961 --> 00:33:36,480
Speaker 1: the bear do this, do that, do all the kids,

717
00:33:36,961 --> 00:33:38,720
Speaker 1: do the business, hold it all?

718
00:33:38,761 --> 00:33:38,841
Speaker 2: Ye?

719
00:33:39,001 --> 00:33:42,601
Speaker 1: Quite well? No issues? Yeah, Alien, this should be easy

720
00:33:42,641 --> 00:33:44,321
Speaker 1: for you to do it, you know, but he's never

721
00:33:44,361 --> 00:33:47,641
Speaker 1: been in that role before. Yeah, So there was times

722
00:33:47,681 --> 00:33:50,161
Speaker 1: there where I thought, you don't know what you're doing,

723
00:33:50,521 --> 00:33:53,081
Speaker 1: and like I'm getting worse because you don't know how

724
00:33:53,081 --> 00:33:53,761
Speaker 1: to look after me.

725
00:33:54,041 --> 00:33:54,841
Speaker 4: Yeah.

726
00:33:54,961 --> 00:33:57,561
Speaker 1: I held that a lot. You know, there was times

727
00:33:57,561 --> 00:33:59,601
Speaker 1: where I did say things and there was times where

728
00:33:59,601 --> 00:34:02,761
Speaker 1: I didn't. But what I ended up doing was I

729
00:34:02,881 --> 00:34:06,361
Speaker 1: ended up going to a counselor and talking about it.

730
00:34:06,561 --> 00:34:08,841
Speaker 1: And that's when it's sort of just everything came on

731
00:34:08,881 --> 00:34:10,841
Speaker 1: and I feel like all that resentment that I had,

732
00:34:11,641 --> 00:34:16,201
Speaker 1: I now felt softer. I almost felt guilt for even

733
00:34:16,241 --> 00:34:19,681
Speaker 1: thinking like that because he was doing everything that he

734
00:34:19,721 --> 00:34:22,361
Speaker 1: could do or using the tools that he knew how to.

735
00:34:22,681 --> 00:34:26,041
Speaker 1: Because you know, even though we have the three kids,

736
00:34:27,001 --> 00:34:29,721
Speaker 1: he hasn't looked after them when they're sick. I do.

737
00:34:30,041 --> 00:34:32,761
Speaker 1: He hasn't done the school drop off this, and then

738
00:34:32,881 --> 00:34:35,241
Speaker 1: you know, my daughter's school has one hundred emails per

739
00:34:35,321 --> 00:34:37,521
Speaker 1: day that has things that she does. You know I

740
00:34:37,561 --> 00:34:40,321
Speaker 1: do that. And it's not saying that he doesn't do anything,

741
00:34:40,881 --> 00:34:43,521
Speaker 1: but it's just that his capacity wasn't fo that his

742
00:34:43,681 --> 00:34:45,881
Speaker 1: was already full. My husband does all the cooking and

743
00:34:45,961 --> 00:34:49,921
Speaker 1: all that type of thing, so now he's doing both. Yeah,

744
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:52,281
Speaker 1: so that was stretch. It is a big stretch for him.

745
00:34:52,801 --> 00:34:56,081
Speaker 1: At the start, it was like, why can't you just

746
00:34:56,121 --> 00:34:59,321
Speaker 1: get it together, Like I've got cancer, Like, can't you

747
00:34:59,361 --> 00:35:01,761
Speaker 1: just get it together? Like it's only this, Like I

748
00:35:01,801 --> 00:35:05,681
Speaker 1: couldn't understand that because what I do it was easy

749
00:35:05,681 --> 00:35:08,081
Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, yes, And you're like, I'm going to cancer,

750
00:35:08,201 --> 00:35:09,521
Speaker 1: it's my normal.

751
00:35:09,961 --> 00:35:11,161
Speaker 4: Yeah, but this is normal.

752
00:35:11,321 --> 00:35:12,801
Speaker 1: Yeah. So I'm like, this isn't like what do you

753
00:35:12,841 --> 00:35:14,641
Speaker 1: mean you don't know how to cook and do? Like,

754
00:35:14,681 --> 00:35:15,201
Speaker 1: what do you mean?

755
00:35:16,161 --> 00:35:18,321
Speaker 2: It's just that same expectation because that was your normal

756
00:35:18,361 --> 00:35:19,601
Speaker 2: and everyday life and you're like.

757
00:35:20,001 --> 00:35:21,281
Speaker 4: I don't understand why you can't.

758
00:35:21,481 --> 00:35:23,721
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like black and white, obvious for you one

759
00:35:23,801 --> 00:35:26,401
Speaker 1: hundred percent. And so I've had to learn that it's

760
00:35:26,441 --> 00:35:28,801
Speaker 1: not like that. You know, there's things that he does

761
00:35:28,921 --> 00:35:31,201
Speaker 1: I have no idea about. But the difference is is

762
00:35:31,241 --> 00:35:33,961
Speaker 1: that I'm not willing to try. He is, you know,

763
00:35:34,081 --> 00:35:35,681
Speaker 1: I want him to do all these things, but I

764
00:35:35,761 --> 00:35:39,001
Speaker 1: wasn't willing to meet him halfway or anything like that.

765
00:35:39,201 --> 00:35:42,721
Speaker 1: So we went through a stage where I felt really

766
00:35:42,841 --> 00:35:47,440
Speaker 1: unsafe and I didn't want him to be there at all.

767
00:35:48,601 --> 00:35:52,961
Speaker 1: And that was hard because because I was on so

768
00:35:53,121 --> 00:35:56,281
Speaker 1: many pay medication, I probably wasn't thinking straight. Well obviously

769
00:35:56,321 --> 00:35:59,601
Speaker 1: I'm not thinking straight, but also days are going by

770
00:36:00,041 --> 00:36:03,801
Speaker 1: for me that it seems like only hours whereas weeks

771
00:36:03,801 --> 00:36:07,641
Speaker 1: agoing past for him, If that makes sense. Yeah, So

772
00:36:08,081 --> 00:36:09,921
Speaker 1: I would say that that was a good chunk of it,

773
00:36:10,001 --> 00:36:13,841
Speaker 1: the three weeks and timing. Obviously, always we had a

774
00:36:13,881 --> 00:36:16,321
Speaker 1: worker down, so like he had to go to work,

775
00:36:16,361 --> 00:36:19,561
Speaker 1: there was a lot of shouses within his actual environment,

776
00:36:19,601 --> 00:36:21,601
Speaker 1: and then there was me, and he was having other

777
00:36:21,681 --> 00:36:24,841
Speaker 1: issues with certain things. He was really really stretched, And

778
00:36:25,321 --> 00:36:28,721
Speaker 1: when I became a bit better, I realized that I

779
00:36:28,881 --> 00:36:31,561
Speaker 1: was like his person. I'm the person that he comes

780
00:36:31,601 --> 00:36:34,761
Speaker 1: to and talks about all of this, and I wasn't

781
00:36:34,801 --> 00:36:37,481
Speaker 1: able to give him that. So he was really feeling

782
00:36:37,721 --> 00:36:42,761
Speaker 1: very very lost, very lonely. And again because his capacity

783
00:36:42,801 --> 00:36:45,681
Speaker 1: is so full as well, he had all this time

784
00:36:45,721 --> 00:36:48,961
Speaker 1: for people, and we haven't really had things as a

785
00:36:49,001 --> 00:36:51,801
Speaker 1: couple that other people need to help us with and

786
00:36:51,841 --> 00:36:53,681
Speaker 1: be like we need to be vulnerable and we need

787
00:36:53,721 --> 00:36:56,681
Speaker 1: help with something. So that in itself was different for

788
00:36:56,761 --> 00:36:58,241
Speaker 1: a lot of our friends. So there was a lot

789
00:36:58,241 --> 00:37:00,121
Speaker 1: of people that for me, it's a no brain at

790
00:37:00,121 --> 00:37:03,481
Speaker 1: someone's in hospital, yombers of them. Yeah, you know, someone's

791
00:37:03,481 --> 00:37:06,000
Speaker 1: got kids and someone's in hospital. You can't get the kids,

792
00:37:06,401 --> 00:37:08,641
Speaker 1: Like it's like a no brainer for me. But what

793
00:37:08,721 --> 00:37:15,361
Speaker 1: I learned is that illness reflects capacity and not intention

794
00:37:17,041 --> 00:37:20,281
Speaker 1: love that and once I yeah, once I learned that

795
00:37:20,361 --> 00:37:22,681
Speaker 1: because you know, you don't wake up and you see

796
00:37:22,681 --> 00:37:24,841
Speaker 1: your friend in hospital and you think, I'm not gonna

797
00:37:24,841 --> 00:37:27,081
Speaker 1: go and see do you know what I mean? But

798
00:37:27,121 --> 00:37:29,601
Speaker 1: that's how I was taking it, of course, So when

799
00:37:29,641 --> 00:37:31,761
Speaker 1: I sort of realized that it's all to do with

800
00:37:31,881 --> 00:37:35,041
Speaker 1: capacity and what people have and what people can give,

801
00:37:35,361 --> 00:37:37,841
Speaker 1: then it became a lot easier for me. But yeah,

802
00:37:37,881 --> 00:37:40,081
Speaker 1: it was more that I just didn't understand, and like

803
00:37:40,121 --> 00:37:42,721
Speaker 1: I'm learning as we go on, And that's probably a

804
00:37:42,721 --> 00:37:44,801
Speaker 1: big thing for this now is that our relationship has

805
00:37:44,801 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: become so much more stronger because I've started understanding him

806
00:37:48,521 --> 00:37:51,561
Speaker 1: more and why he does certain things, and it just

807
00:37:51,721 --> 00:37:55,641
Speaker 1: it softens you. When we met, obviously I was in

808
00:37:55,681 --> 00:37:58,841
Speaker 1: a very feminine era, dancing and doing all these things,

809
00:37:58,841 --> 00:38:01,001
Speaker 1: and he's very masculine. And then when obviously I had

810
00:38:01,081 --> 00:38:04,881
Speaker 1: got the business, then I became masculine, and so to

811
00:38:05,121 --> 00:38:09,721
Speaker 1: masculines are not really working together, you know, one hundred percent.

812
00:38:09,921 --> 00:38:12,241
Speaker 1: So we've had to learn a lot along the way.

813
00:38:13,001 --> 00:38:17,401
Speaker 1: Biggest things are connection through conversation, but also through intimacy

814
00:38:17,441 --> 00:38:21,041
Speaker 1: as well. And when you have civical cancer, you can't

815
00:38:21,081 --> 00:38:24,841
Speaker 1: have sex. So this is already two months of not

816
00:38:24,961 --> 00:38:29,161
Speaker 1: having sex, three months because I'm getting sick, four months

817
00:38:29,161 --> 00:38:31,601
Speaker 1: because I'm sick again. I've had getting surgies all the time,

818
00:38:31,641 --> 00:38:33,641
Speaker 1: so when every surgery I have, they obviously go like

819
00:38:33,681 --> 00:38:36,960
Speaker 1: through my vagina, so like I'm getting in fictions because

820
00:38:36,961 --> 00:38:40,281
Speaker 1: of everything that's up there. Like, so we have tried,

821
00:38:40,641 --> 00:38:43,481
Speaker 1: and it hurts so much that I just I couldn't

822
00:38:43,681 --> 00:38:45,841
Speaker 1: like and it's not enjoyable for him either of your

823
00:38:46,001 --> 00:38:50,281
Speaker 1: no yeah, absolutely not looking blessed, but no, yeah, getting

824
00:38:51,561 --> 00:38:54,161
Speaker 1: And so I needed to get some guidance and we'll

825
00:38:54,201 --> 00:38:56,401
Speaker 1: be looking at you know, doing like six therapy. And

826
00:38:56,481 --> 00:38:59,001
Speaker 1: I thought six therapy was you know, like some showing

827
00:38:59,041 --> 00:39:00,961
Speaker 1: you like what to do, but it's not like it

828
00:39:01,001 --> 00:39:03,561
Speaker 1: has a lot to do with like mind, and you know,

829
00:39:03,601 --> 00:39:06,921
Speaker 1: because I've had so many Like honestly, I take photos

830
00:39:06,961 --> 00:39:09,081
Speaker 1: of everyone that comes and like looks in my vagina.

831
00:39:09,161 --> 00:39:13,401
Speaker 1: I'm talking like hundreds of people, yeah, like welcome, like hundreds,

832
00:39:13,441 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: Like I've obviously have a lot of trauma down there

833
00:39:15,521 --> 00:39:18,041
Speaker 1: from there. And before all of this, I was actually

834
00:39:18,041 --> 00:39:20,561
Speaker 1: bleeding during sex as well, So I have a lot

835
00:39:20,561 --> 00:39:23,921
Speaker 1: of trauma before it actually started. So we've had to

836
00:39:24,081 --> 00:39:27,841
Speaker 1: learn other ways to be intimate and to have conversations

837
00:39:27,881 --> 00:39:30,201
Speaker 1: and things like that. But for a good chunk there,

838
00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:33,761
Speaker 1: I couldn't talk, so, you know, and then now being

839
00:39:33,801 --> 00:39:37,081
Speaker 1: intimate is hard for me because I've always been confident.

840
00:39:37,121 --> 00:39:40,440
Speaker 1: I've always felt beautiful and sexy. I've always felt very

841
00:39:40,761 --> 00:39:42,761
Speaker 1: like that's that's how I like to be, do you

842
00:39:42,801 --> 00:39:44,401
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Yeah, like I like being in

843
00:39:44,441 --> 00:39:46,841
Speaker 1: the bedroom if all of that, and now like I

844
00:39:46,841 --> 00:39:48,921
Speaker 1: don't feel confident, Like I'm thinking what if I belied?

845
00:39:48,961 --> 00:39:52,561
Speaker 1: What if I this? Like yeah, almost like not trusting

846
00:39:52,721 --> 00:39:56,201
Speaker 1: your body or doing certain things. So then it makes

847
00:39:56,201 --> 00:39:59,601
Speaker 1: it worse for you. So doing the sex therapy and

848
00:40:00,001 --> 00:40:03,241
Speaker 1: talking also with him about things and you know, there's

849
00:40:03,281 --> 00:40:06,561
Speaker 1: obviously more than one way just to be intimate, and

850
00:40:06,601 --> 00:40:09,441
Speaker 1: then but relearning that as well, you've been together for

851
00:40:09,481 --> 00:40:13,641
Speaker 1: a long time, you know, doing it differently, yes, doing

852
00:40:13,681 --> 00:40:16,961
Speaker 1: things differently, and you know, having to google things or

853
00:40:17,001 --> 00:40:19,441
Speaker 1: ask people and I'm like, oh, okay, that makes sense,

854
00:40:19,521 --> 00:40:21,761
Speaker 1: Like we can try that, you know, we can do that.

855
00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:24,761
Speaker 1: So what's his love language? It used to be acts

856
00:40:24,801 --> 00:40:29,241
Speaker 1: of service, and I think at the moment it is

857
00:40:29,521 --> 00:40:33,561
Speaker 1: words of affirmation, but he does like dabble between quite

858
00:40:33,601 --> 00:40:35,561
Speaker 1: a few because I'm super big on love language, like

859
00:40:35,601 --> 00:40:37,520
Speaker 1: I always like to be up to date like those

860
00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:39,361
Speaker 1: types of things. So I was honestly thinking about it

861
00:40:39,441 --> 00:40:42,881
Speaker 1: on the way here to redo it again. Yeah. Changes,

862
00:40:43,001 --> 00:40:45,641
Speaker 1: it changes all the time, So I feel like it

863
00:40:45,681 --> 00:40:48,561
Speaker 1: would be acts of service, probably because he's been lacking

864
00:40:48,561 --> 00:40:50,761
Speaker 1: that the last six months. He's had to do everything

865
00:40:51,481 --> 00:40:53,441
Speaker 1: physical touch because is there not as much or you

866
00:40:53,521 --> 00:40:55,921
Speaker 1: still but it might even be that now. No, so

867
00:40:56,281 --> 00:40:59,041
Speaker 1: you weren't allowed to touch me either, Oh yeah, I

868
00:40:59,041 --> 00:41:01,281
Speaker 1: guess I got sick or because he's looking after the

869
00:41:01,361 --> 00:41:03,641
Speaker 1: kids and the kids were sick. Yes, there's a lot

870
00:41:03,681 --> 00:41:06,521
Speaker 1: of I also didn't want to be touched like your

871
00:41:06,601 --> 00:41:13,881
Speaker 1: meal day. Yeah, like I'm jumping on you a hundred

872
00:41:14,281 --> 00:41:16,321
Speaker 1: so yeah. So it's just re learning that again and

873
00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:19,361
Speaker 1: doing couple's therapy and and all of that as well,

874
00:41:19,401 --> 00:41:21,001
Speaker 1: which is being really interesting.

875
00:41:21,241 --> 00:41:23,121
Speaker 2: So interesting, isn't it what you were saying before about

876
00:41:23,241 --> 00:41:25,681
Speaker 2: finding You know, you're thinking about what's my body gonna do?

877
00:41:25,721 --> 00:41:26,441
Speaker 4: Am I gonna bleed?

878
00:41:26,481 --> 00:41:28,281
Speaker 2: Like that's a very like a heavy way to be

879
00:41:28,441 --> 00:41:31,401
Speaker 2: very masculine ways, whereas before you're like feeling into your

880
00:41:31,401 --> 00:41:33,761
Speaker 2: feminine body. Like when I've seen you dance even the

881
00:41:33,761 --> 00:41:35,721
Speaker 2: way that I see in your feminine I'm like, damn girl,

882
00:41:36,081 --> 00:41:38,121
Speaker 2: yeah you know so I imagine it's like learning how

883
00:41:38,161 --> 00:41:40,641
Speaker 2: to redrop back into your feminine in your body and

884
00:41:40,681 --> 00:41:43,201
Speaker 2: then create that safety again whilst learning intimacy again.

885
00:41:43,281 --> 00:41:45,721
Speaker 1: I can't even think about the intimacy part yet because

886
00:41:45,721 --> 00:41:48,641
Speaker 1: like I'm thinking about just me now. Yeah, like you know,

887
00:41:48,801 --> 00:41:50,960
Speaker 1: not trusting my body as such.

888
00:41:51,081 --> 00:41:53,001
Speaker 3: I was gonna say, do you feel like, I hope

889
00:41:53,041 --> 00:41:54,721
Speaker 3: doesn't come across wrong, but do you feel like your

890
00:41:54,761 --> 00:41:56,521
Speaker 3: body has let you down and you just don't trust

891
00:41:56,521 --> 00:41:57,361
Speaker 3: it at all anymore?

892
00:41:57,961 --> 00:42:01,601
Speaker 1: Yes? Yeah, yeah I do. I feel like my body

893
00:42:01,641 --> 00:42:04,881
Speaker 1: was telling me, but my mind wasn't, if that makes sense.

894
00:42:05,121 --> 00:42:08,241
Speaker 1: Mine was really like it's okay, that happens, you get

895
00:42:08,281 --> 00:42:13,321
Speaker 1: tired things like that. But now it's sort of like, yes,

896
00:42:13,361 --> 00:42:16,761
Speaker 1: it has let me down, but it's more that I'm

897
00:42:16,841 --> 00:42:19,721
Speaker 1: learning about it, if that makes sense, and I feel better, Like,

898
00:42:19,761 --> 00:42:22,241
Speaker 1: you know, I can't eat certain foods or like I'm

899
00:42:22,241 --> 00:42:24,881
Speaker 1: a fruit person. I love fruit, but I can't eat

900
00:42:24,881 --> 00:42:26,761
Speaker 1: as much fruit as I did because it misses with

901
00:42:26,801 --> 00:42:30,161
Speaker 1: my bell, right, yeah, and then I'm just yeah, too

902
00:42:30,201 --> 00:42:34,041
Speaker 1: much five of things like that, I can't hold food

903
00:42:34,081 --> 00:42:36,201
Speaker 1: the way that I used to, and I will be

904
00:42:36,241 --> 00:42:39,321
Speaker 1: able too soon or later on, but just now so

905
00:42:39,361 --> 00:42:41,401
Speaker 1: I think with my body it's being you know, I

906
00:42:41,401 --> 00:42:43,521
Speaker 1: haven't been able to dance, which has been hard as

907
00:42:43,521 --> 00:42:46,321
Speaker 1: well because that was how I connected to the feminine

908
00:42:46,801 --> 00:42:49,241
Speaker 1: and not being able to do that, and then also

909
00:42:49,401 --> 00:42:53,201
Speaker 1: going back and realizing, wow, I actually can't move. I'm

910
00:42:53,401 --> 00:42:56,081
Speaker 1: scared of making it hot or I'm doing this, or

911
00:42:56,121 --> 00:42:58,801
Speaker 1: I'm scared that I might hurt something and bleed something,

912
00:42:58,921 --> 00:43:02,201
Speaker 1: house bleed or you know, there was times there where

913
00:43:02,521 --> 00:43:04,801
Speaker 1: my bell was like just going when I would just

914
00:43:04,801 --> 00:43:07,241
Speaker 1: stand up like and I wouldn't have no control over that.

915
00:43:07,281 --> 00:43:09,281
Speaker 1: So there's a lot of fear throughout that as well.

916
00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:11,721
Speaker 1: And then you know, obviously a dance, you know, we're

917
00:43:11,761 --> 00:43:14,601
Speaker 1: not wearing a lot, so it's like a little bit confronting.

918
00:43:14,681 --> 00:43:18,561
Speaker 1: Do I have to leave just not confident in my

919
00:43:18,681 --> 00:43:22,921
Speaker 1: body at the moment and think, you know what's going

920
00:43:22,961 --> 00:43:24,881
Speaker 1: to happen. Yeah.

921
00:43:24,921 --> 00:43:28,401
Speaker 3: Throughout this journey, has your diet changed. Do they have

922
00:43:28,441 --> 00:43:30,281
Speaker 3: you on supplements or nothing like.

923
00:43:30,241 --> 00:43:32,041
Speaker 1: They don't talk much about food.

924
00:43:32,921 --> 00:43:33,801
Speaker 4: They talk surprising.

925
00:43:34,001 --> 00:43:38,440
Speaker 1: They talk a lot about the medicine behind it. When

926
00:43:38,481 --> 00:43:40,721
Speaker 1: you look at someone when they say, like, you know,

927
00:43:40,761 --> 00:43:42,480
Speaker 1: you may know someone that went through cancer and they'll

928
00:43:42,481 --> 00:43:44,481
Speaker 1: say I changed my diet. I did this. That is

929
00:43:44,521 --> 00:43:46,001
Speaker 1: because they went and did that.

930
00:43:47,801 --> 00:43:48,601
Speaker 4: Out of the hospital.

931
00:43:48,761 --> 00:43:51,161
Speaker 1: Yeah, for not at the hospital or things like that.

932
00:43:51,761 --> 00:43:54,481
Speaker 1: I didn't feel like eating. So when I started, I

933
00:43:54,601 --> 00:43:59,081
Speaker 1: was like seventy two. At the moment, I'm just fifty nine.

934
00:43:59,241 --> 00:44:00,921
Speaker 1: So I've lost a lot of weight because I haven't

935
00:44:00,961 --> 00:44:04,161
Speaker 1: been eating. Is it a bad thing? Not really, Like

936
00:44:04,241 --> 00:44:06,681
Speaker 1: it's okay to not eat as much, if that makes sense.

937
00:44:06,721 --> 00:44:09,241
Speaker 1: I was probably overeating and I realized that I was

938
00:44:09,281 --> 00:44:12,481
Speaker 1: definitely overeating even though I felt like I was healthy.

939
00:44:13,401 --> 00:44:16,241
Speaker 1: Not really. Yeah, I wasn't really thinking about what I

940
00:44:16,281 --> 00:44:18,961
Speaker 1: was putting inside my body and fix that it was

941
00:44:19,001 --> 00:44:21,401
Speaker 1: heaving on my body, you know, like if I wanted

942
00:44:21,441 --> 00:44:23,321
Speaker 1: comfort food, I wanted comfort food. If I wanted this,

943
00:44:23,441 --> 00:44:25,721
Speaker 1: I wanted that. But now I think about it, like

944
00:44:25,961 --> 00:44:28,321
Speaker 1: is it worth it to me for my body to

945
00:44:28,361 --> 00:44:31,001
Speaker 1: go through this? So that has been a real positive

946
00:44:31,041 --> 00:44:32,081
Speaker 1: for me, to be honest.

947
00:44:32,281 --> 00:44:34,601
Speaker 3: Why you're way more conscious, like it's going to cause information,

948
00:44:34,641 --> 00:44:37,641
Speaker 3: this is going to impact my doos, It's going to energize.

949
00:44:37,161 --> 00:44:39,721
Speaker 1: Me one hundred percent. So it has definitely made a

950
00:44:39,721 --> 00:44:42,841
Speaker 1: positive out of all of this. I'm not there yet.

951
00:44:42,921 --> 00:44:45,401
Speaker 1: I'm still eating things that I probably shouldn't be eating,

952
00:44:45,681 --> 00:44:49,601
Speaker 1: and that is because I want to. Yeah, my mind

953
00:44:49,641 --> 00:44:52,041
Speaker 1: hasn't caught up yet, you know. Like I'm like, I've

954
00:44:52,081 --> 00:44:53,921
Speaker 1: been deprived of this for so long. I just want

955
00:44:53,921 --> 00:44:55,361
Speaker 1: to do this, so I want to eat this. But

956
00:44:55,401 --> 00:44:57,521
Speaker 1: then when I do it and it makes me, you know,

957
00:44:57,601 --> 00:45:01,081
Speaker 1: feel seck, then I'm like, Okay, I understand now, you know.

958
00:45:01,481 --> 00:45:05,441
Speaker 1: So just learning about my body has been really different

959
00:45:05,521 --> 00:45:07,801
Speaker 1: because I've been so in tuned with my body my

960
00:45:07,921 --> 00:45:11,121
Speaker 1: whole life, and now it's like I'm not.

961
00:45:11,641 --> 00:45:14,281
Speaker 3: Yeah, You're having to relearn your body and how to

962
00:45:14,281 --> 00:45:15,641
Speaker 3: support it through all of this.

963
00:45:15,921 --> 00:45:19,401
Speaker 2: Yes, rebuild a relationship with it now, Yes, Yeah, which is.

964
00:45:19,361 --> 00:45:20,681
Speaker 4: Hard when you know.

965
00:45:20,681 --> 00:45:24,241
Speaker 1: And that's what I teach. That's my job, you know.

966
00:45:24,521 --> 00:45:28,441
Speaker 1: So it's like, now irot it I doing? Yeah?

967
00:45:28,561 --> 00:45:30,881
Speaker 3: Is there anything throughout this journey that you've learned that

968
00:45:31,161 --> 00:45:33,961
Speaker 3: you'd like to speak on that you've just learned about yourself,

969
00:45:34,001 --> 00:45:35,441
Speaker 3: about life.

970
00:45:35,961 --> 00:45:37,961
Speaker 1: There's definitely like I've learned, obviously so much, and I

971
00:45:38,041 --> 00:45:40,521
Speaker 1: think that I feel so grateful to we have learned

972
00:45:40,721 --> 00:45:44,321
Speaker 1: so much about not just cancer that in itself, I've

973
00:45:44,361 --> 00:45:48,041
Speaker 1: learned so much about it, but just being more aware

974
00:45:48,081 --> 00:45:50,641
Speaker 1: of things that I'm putting into my body. And the

975
00:45:50,721 --> 00:45:53,561
Speaker 1: biggest one for me is just the relationships. I've learned

976
00:45:53,681 --> 00:45:58,241
Speaker 1: so much about relationships and just being softer. And I

977
00:45:58,281 --> 00:46:03,041
Speaker 1: didn't realize how masculine I really was. I thought because

978
00:46:03,561 --> 00:46:06,161
Speaker 1: I'm dancing and I'm feminine and i feel sexy, that

979
00:46:06,281 --> 00:46:10,041
Speaker 1: I'm just you know, but I was really masculine and

980
00:46:10,921 --> 00:46:14,721
Speaker 1: that almost made me. If someone you know, was upset,

981
00:46:14,921 --> 00:46:17,401
Speaker 1: I'm trying to fix it, Like I'm not listening, I'm

982
00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:20,161
Speaker 1: not nurturing, I'm not doing that. So I really like

983
00:46:20,321 --> 00:46:23,401
Speaker 1: that about myself, you know, I feel really, I don't know,

984
00:46:23,441 --> 00:46:26,561
Speaker 1: it just feels really easy and just sort of like floating, yeah,

985
00:46:26,641 --> 00:46:29,721
Speaker 1: through life, and it's just, you know, whatever comes comes.

986
00:46:29,721 --> 00:46:31,761
Speaker 1: I like that. Obviously, I haven't been back to work,

987
00:46:31,801 --> 00:46:33,521
Speaker 1: so it's going to probably go back to work, it's

988
00:46:33,521 --> 00:46:36,081
Speaker 1: going to be a bit different, but I'm with me, Yeah,

989
00:46:36,161 --> 00:46:38,281
Speaker 1: I don't know it as well. I've had such this

990
00:46:38,361 --> 00:46:41,521
Speaker 1: big break that I know things now and I'm like, yeah,

991
00:46:41,601 --> 00:46:44,801
Speaker 1: so that's it really and obviously makesure you get a pepsman.

992
00:46:45,001 --> 00:46:47,161
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, I mean I'd love to talk about that

993
00:46:47,201 --> 00:46:49,841
Speaker 3: more too, because I still have not got mine. But

994
00:46:49,881 --> 00:46:51,401
Speaker 3: when you first announced, I was like, oh my gosh,

995
00:46:51,401 --> 00:46:52,521
Speaker 3: I need to book in a paps me out.

996
00:46:52,681 --> 00:46:52,881
Speaker 1: Yes.

997
00:46:53,281 --> 00:46:54,921
Speaker 3: Is that the advice should we give to everyone? How

998
00:46:54,921 --> 00:46:56,001
Speaker 3: often should we be getting them?

999
00:46:56,921 --> 00:46:59,721
Speaker 1: So I didn't know what a perhapsmere was, So you

1000
00:46:59,801 --> 00:47:00,561
Speaker 1: never had one before?

1001
00:47:00,681 --> 00:47:00,841
Speaker 5: No.

1002
00:47:01,121 --> 00:47:03,561
Speaker 1: I had spoken about it a little bit before in classes,

1003
00:47:03,721 --> 00:47:06,521
Speaker 1: and like it's because I'm only young as well. Have

1004
00:47:06,601 --> 00:47:08,761
Speaker 1: my first child when I was nineteen, so I just

1005
00:47:08,801 --> 00:47:11,601
Speaker 1: wasn't really aware of what a perhaps mere was. Nobody

1006
00:47:11,641 --> 00:47:14,681
Speaker 1: was really talking about them, and it wasn't until I

1007
00:47:14,721 --> 00:47:17,801
Speaker 1: had actually got cyvical cancer. That is the only way

1008
00:47:18,041 --> 00:47:20,321
Speaker 1: that you find out if you have it, So that

1009
00:47:20,321 --> 00:47:22,481
Speaker 1: would be my only advice is to make sure that

1010
00:47:22,921 --> 00:47:25,561
Speaker 1: you're up to date at the moment. It's every five years,

1011
00:47:26,081 --> 00:47:27,841
Speaker 1: you know. At the start, I was like, five years

1012
00:47:27,881 --> 00:47:29,961
Speaker 1: is not enough because that's what I had, Like, you know,

1013
00:47:30,001 --> 00:47:31,521
Speaker 1: I didn't have it, So I was like, five years

1014
00:47:31,601 --> 00:47:34,041
Speaker 1: is not enough. But their technology that they use now

1015
00:47:34,121 --> 00:47:36,601
Speaker 1: is that they can actually tell five years. So that's

1016
00:47:36,601 --> 00:47:39,121
Speaker 1: why you don't have to keep coming back. So yeah,

1017
00:47:39,281 --> 00:47:41,121
Speaker 1: pree cancer is SOEU so you can come back and

1018
00:47:41,161 --> 00:47:43,241
Speaker 1: they can test for different things as well, so you

1019
00:47:43,321 --> 00:47:46,721
Speaker 1: don't actually need to go unless there is something wrong,

1020
00:47:47,121 --> 00:47:50,241
Speaker 1: so like unless you were bleeding, like abnormal bleeding. So

1021
00:47:50,361 --> 00:47:53,721
Speaker 1: that is really what you should go through. But if

1022
00:47:53,801 --> 00:47:56,440
Speaker 1: you think obviously something's wrong, they're not going to say no,

1023
00:47:56,521 --> 00:47:58,961
Speaker 1: you can't have it. But they also don't want to

1024
00:47:59,001 --> 00:48:01,481
Speaker 1: be digging around in the air looking for things that

1025
00:48:01,521 --> 00:48:03,881
Speaker 1: are not there. Yeah. Is the sad part of all

1026
00:48:03,921 --> 00:48:05,481
Speaker 1: of this is that if I had just got that,

1027
00:48:06,201 --> 00:48:08,801
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have gone through this. Yeah, And also that's

1028
00:48:08,801 --> 00:48:11,601
Speaker 1: why it's so important. And they do believe that this

1029
00:48:11,721 --> 00:48:14,921
Speaker 1: type of cancer will be cut out soon because people

1030
00:48:14,921 --> 00:48:16,801
Speaker 1: will be up to date with all these things. People

1031
00:48:16,841 --> 00:48:19,561
Speaker 1: will know that and so no one will actually get it.

1032
00:48:19,601 --> 00:48:22,201
Speaker 1: But like you won't hopefully get it at stage three,

1033
00:48:22,401 --> 00:48:24,961
Speaker 1: you know, stage one or stage two because it is

1034
00:48:25,001 --> 00:48:28,361
Speaker 1: such slow growing. So yeah, that would definitely be my

1035
00:48:28,401 --> 00:48:30,401
Speaker 1: advice is for that because I think I got one.

1036
00:48:30,601 --> 00:48:33,361
Speaker 3: I must have been around age twenty five and I

1037
00:48:33,401 --> 00:48:36,001
Speaker 3: had abnormal cells, so I had to get them yearly

1038
00:48:36,041 --> 00:48:38,721
Speaker 3: after that. Yeah, and then after the third year, then

1039
00:48:38,721 --> 00:48:40,401
Speaker 3: I was safe and I have one for five years.

1040
00:48:40,521 --> 00:48:42,401
Speaker 1: But to tell me that you're abnormal and you've been

1041
00:48:42,441 --> 00:48:45,761
Speaker 1: abnormal for that many years, no, way, way, way back. Yeah,

1042
00:48:46,041 --> 00:48:48,960
Speaker 1: went back yearly. Question after the third year, they said,

1043
00:48:48,961 --> 00:48:50,921
Speaker 1: now you can come back in five years. Perfect. But

1044
00:48:51,001 --> 00:48:52,961
Speaker 1: now it's probably been like seven or eight since I've

1045
00:48:52,961 --> 00:48:57,721
Speaker 1: actually gone back. Yeah, No, definitely, yeah, get one. I will. Yeah,

1046
00:48:57,761 --> 00:48:59,641
Speaker 1: this is the reminder I needed. I think about it

1047
00:48:59,641 --> 00:49:00,121
Speaker 1: all the time.

1048
00:49:00,201 --> 00:49:02,801
Speaker 3: It's crazy, like when it comes to skin cancer or

1049
00:49:03,161 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 3: getting a perhaps me or or my brain, like all

1050
00:49:06,481 --> 00:49:08,481
Speaker 3: my father's side have died from them, and I was

1051
00:49:08,521 --> 00:49:10,241
Speaker 3: never like, oh, I should go get an MRI, Like

1052
00:49:10,281 --> 00:49:11,481
Speaker 3: you just don't think.

1053
00:49:11,521 --> 00:49:14,921
Speaker 1: No, not if you're really fulfilled in your life as well.

1054
00:49:15,481 --> 00:49:18,881
Speaker 1: It's almost like, why would you think of that. I'm fulfilled,

1055
00:49:18,921 --> 00:49:21,681
Speaker 1: I'm doing this, I'm waking up, I'm grateful. Why would

1056
00:49:21,721 --> 00:49:23,681
Speaker 1: I be thinking of it's going to happen to you?

1057
00:49:23,801 --> 00:49:24,641
Speaker 1: One hundred percent?

1058
00:49:24,841 --> 00:49:26,241
Speaker 4: I think that's the mindset, isn't it.

1059
00:49:26,241 --> 00:49:27,481
Speaker 2: It's like, you know, you don't get your paps to

1060
00:49:27,481 --> 00:49:29,161
Speaker 2: me because you're like, oh, that's fine, I'm fine.

1061
00:49:29,041 --> 00:49:29,721
Speaker 1: Yes, you know what I mean.

1062
00:49:30,041 --> 00:49:32,521
Speaker 3: I haven't had my skin checked in ages. Then you

1063
00:49:32,561 --> 00:49:34,921
Speaker 3: get the symptoms, Like your body tells you things over

1064
00:49:34,961 --> 00:49:36,481
Speaker 3: the years, like same with my brain, things like you're

1065
00:49:36,521 --> 00:49:38,641
Speaker 3: losing my sight. Yeah, it's like, oh my gosh, your

1066
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:39,681
Speaker 3: body's speaking to you.

1067
00:49:39,801 --> 00:49:42,161
Speaker 1: Yes, And I think it's important to listen to your

1068
00:49:42,161 --> 00:49:44,961
Speaker 1: body as well. I feel like I really thought I

1069
00:49:45,041 --> 00:49:48,921
Speaker 1: knew my body until I didn't, and now I'm like, Okay,

1070
00:49:49,321 --> 00:49:51,201
Speaker 1: the smallest thing, I'm like, should I go to the

1071
00:49:51,201 --> 00:49:54,201
Speaker 1: hospital for spreas before it needed to be? You know,

1072
00:49:54,281 --> 00:49:58,601
Speaker 1: I'm bleeding hour for hours, and I'm still like should

1073
00:49:58,601 --> 00:49:58,881
Speaker 1: I go?

1074
00:49:58,961 --> 00:50:00,841
Speaker 4: Yeah, you're telling the ambulance to go home when you're.

1075
00:50:00,801 --> 00:50:02,881
Speaker 1: Drive there one hundred percent like I am. I'm take

1076
00:50:02,881 --> 00:50:04,241
Speaker 1: my car because i gotta get it here in the morning.

1077
00:50:04,361 --> 00:50:07,121
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get high. Like can I ask one more question?

1078
00:50:07,281 --> 00:50:09,521
Speaker 3: Yeah, of course, because Stine's very much he's very similar

1079
00:50:09,561 --> 00:50:10,801
Speaker 3: to you in the sense like he will never ask

1080
00:50:10,801 --> 00:50:12,681
Speaker 3: someone for a riot. You won't ask anyone for help,

1081
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:14,921
Speaker 3: Like he just won't ask anyone, Whereas I'm like, oh

1082
00:50:14,961 --> 00:50:17,681
Speaker 3: I just ask a neighbor. I'll just ask, Like I'm

1083
00:50:17,681 --> 00:50:20,361
Speaker 3: okay to ask for help, but he will not. Where

1084
00:50:20,361 --> 00:50:22,121
Speaker 3: do you think that came from for you? That I

1085
00:50:22,161 --> 00:50:23,681
Speaker 3: don't want to be a burden? Like did you get

1086
00:50:23,681 --> 00:50:26,201
Speaker 3: told by your parents or your upbringing or.

1087
00:50:26,161 --> 00:50:28,801
Speaker 1: I've definitely done a lot of inner work throughout this

1088
00:50:29,121 --> 00:50:32,441
Speaker 1: why I react to certain things. Definitely not from my parents.

1089
00:50:33,081 --> 00:50:35,201
Speaker 1: I think at a very young age, I was exposed

1090
00:50:35,241 --> 00:50:39,601
Speaker 1: to a lot of coaches, obviously through sports and dancing,

1091
00:50:39,641 --> 00:50:42,801
Speaker 1: where people expected a lot from me. Right, so I

1092
00:50:42,841 --> 00:50:45,481
Speaker 1: push through. I've took that on is that I need

1093
00:50:45,481 --> 00:50:50,921
Speaker 1: to perform and like I can't let anyone down. You know,

1094
00:50:51,361 --> 00:50:56,401
Speaker 1: I'm yet to discover the negative and that yeah, or dancing.

1095
00:50:58,041 --> 00:51:02,281
Speaker 1: You're like, but do you know what I mean? Yeah, Like,

1096
00:51:02,321 --> 00:51:04,401
Speaker 1: it's that's what I'm at the moment. I'm learning through

1097
00:51:04,401 --> 00:51:07,201
Speaker 1: things like that, you know how you have to relearn

1098
00:51:07,321 --> 00:51:10,401
Speaker 1: things because I still don't understand what's wrong with that.

1099
00:51:10,441 --> 00:51:10,601
Speaker 3: You know.

1100
00:51:10,641 --> 00:51:13,201
Speaker 1: The other day someone told me that I'm hyper positive,

1101
00:51:13,201 --> 00:51:15,641
Speaker 1: and I'm like, cool, Yeah, thank you what you have

1102
00:51:15,881 --> 00:51:19,561
Speaker 1: like saying You're like, yes, I am, but I understand.

1103
00:51:19,681 --> 00:51:22,041
Speaker 1: It wasn't until they said to me, you know, you'll

1104
00:51:22,081 --> 00:51:25,201
Speaker 1: resent things, every little bit of resentment, and I'm like,

1105
00:51:25,281 --> 00:51:27,721
Speaker 1: I just don't feel that, but okay, I feel like

1106
00:51:27,961 --> 00:51:29,761
Speaker 1: something you need to change for me in order to

1107
00:51:29,761 --> 00:51:31,641
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, that makes sense to me, now do

1108
00:51:31,681 --> 00:51:32,201
Speaker 1: you know what I mean?

1109
00:51:32,201 --> 00:51:33,601
Speaker 3: I love that you brought up the sporting thing because

1110
00:51:33,601 --> 00:51:36,081
Speaker 3: I grew up dancing too, and it's like they push

1111
00:51:36,121 --> 00:51:38,441
Speaker 3: you so fucking hard your body. I remember I have

1112
00:51:38,601 --> 00:51:41,201
Speaker 3: like bruise me, bleeding feet.

1113
00:51:41,241 --> 00:51:42,561
Speaker 1: It was like get up and go again. Yeah, I

1114
00:51:42,601 --> 00:51:44,641
Speaker 1: don't care. And that's kind of minds like don't look

1115
00:51:44,641 --> 00:51:47,441
Speaker 1: at it, look at it and you'll be fine on that.

1116
00:51:47,641 --> 00:51:48,721
Speaker 4: Go again, looking atla.

1117
00:51:49,161 --> 00:51:51,441
Speaker 1: Yeah, and this is how you become a good dancers. You.

1118
00:51:52,001 --> 00:51:55,001
Speaker 1: So everything is just a sense. Yeah, everything is just

1119
00:51:55,081 --> 00:51:58,441
Speaker 1: me pushing through and I'm not realizing it until wow,

1120
00:51:58,601 --> 00:52:00,441
Speaker 1: till that makes so much sense. Thanks for answering that

1121
00:52:01,041 --> 00:52:01,801
Speaker 1: curious epic.

1122
00:52:02,121 --> 00:52:02,361
Speaker 5: Yeah.

1123
00:52:02,561 --> 00:52:05,681
Speaker 2: We've had conversations previously around you know, not not wanting

1124
00:52:05,721 --> 00:52:08,961
Speaker 2: to be vulnerable, but not necessarily leading with vulnerability. Yes,

1125
00:52:09,001 --> 00:52:11,001
Speaker 2: So you find it's interesting that this experience has really

1126
00:52:11,001 --> 00:52:12,921
Speaker 2: pulled that vulnerability out of you.

1127
00:52:12,681 --> 00:52:16,601
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. And I feel like it's still controlled vulnerability.

1128
00:52:16,801 --> 00:52:21,161
Speaker 1: It's definitely still controlled. It's being safe to me to

1129
00:52:21,281 --> 00:52:23,801
Speaker 1: lead into that a bit more and to sort of

1130
00:52:23,881 --> 00:52:26,081
Speaker 1: understand a bit more and I feel more safe to

1131
00:52:26,081 --> 00:52:28,801
Speaker 1: go in there. You know, we've had conversations and you know,

1132
00:52:29,121 --> 00:52:30,761
Speaker 1: you've asked and I want to hang up, but I

1133
00:52:30,761 --> 00:52:33,881
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about it anymore. Like yeah, done, now,

1134
00:52:34,201 --> 00:52:36,361
Speaker 1: I've done. Now thinking about I'll think about it and

1135
00:52:36,361 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 1: I'll come back.

1136
00:52:37,161 --> 00:52:46,041
Speaker 5: Yeh, cancels all quaching pession. I feel like Instagram number.

1137
00:52:46,841 --> 00:52:50,441
Speaker 5: Sorry who literally I don't know, you.

1138
00:52:50,481 --> 00:52:53,961
Speaker 1: Know, honestly, but I'm feeling more safe and the more

1139
00:52:53,961 --> 00:52:56,201
Speaker 1: that I'm learning, I'm feeling safe about it and just

1140
00:52:56,321 --> 00:53:00,000
Speaker 1: being more vulnerable with people. I wouldn't say I like it,

1141
00:53:01,041 --> 00:53:07,601
Speaker 1: but I don't like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely

1142
00:53:07,641 --> 00:53:10,961
Speaker 1: don't love it because I'm so curious. It makes me

1143
00:53:11,041 --> 00:53:13,921
Speaker 1: more curious to learn more about it and to be

1144
00:53:14,081 --> 00:53:17,081
Speaker 1: there and to be more vulnerable. And you know, I've

1145
00:53:17,161 --> 00:53:19,721
Speaker 1: cried in front of people now, which is being hard.

1146
00:53:19,841 --> 00:53:23,201
Speaker 1: I don't really do that, so that was interesting for me,

1147
00:53:23,401 --> 00:53:26,960
Speaker 1: Like just really breaking down and being seen and seen

1148
00:53:27,121 --> 00:53:27,841
Speaker 1: like that was.

1149
00:53:27,841 --> 00:53:30,921
Speaker 4: Really difficult, Like actually being held one.

1150
00:53:30,921 --> 00:53:32,921
Speaker 1: Hundred percent and just and the people just being there.

1151
00:53:33,001 --> 00:53:36,121
Speaker 1: You know, it's not that it's unlovable or not aligned

1152
00:53:36,121 --> 00:53:38,841
Speaker 1: with them. It's just here like really showing that. And

1153
00:53:38,881 --> 00:53:43,561
Speaker 1: so I feel really close with my teachers, and especially

1154
00:53:43,561 --> 00:53:46,281
Speaker 1: my Brisbane teachers as well. If I feel extremely close

1155
00:53:46,321 --> 00:53:48,521
Speaker 1: to them because of how much they have held me

1156
00:53:48,721 --> 00:53:52,201
Speaker 1: as well, but everyone really has held me. I look

1157
00:53:52,321 --> 00:53:54,881
Speaker 1: forward to and I hope that this next chapter is

1158
00:53:54,921 --> 00:53:58,841
Speaker 1: everything that I needed. I do really hope that I

1159
00:53:58,881 --> 00:54:00,721
Speaker 1: like it comes back and it's okay and I'm like

1160
00:54:00,761 --> 00:54:04,201
Speaker 1: this person that I really am wanting to be, you know.

1161
00:54:04,641 --> 00:54:07,281
Speaker 1: But if also if it doesn't, then that's okay too,

1162
00:54:07,321 --> 00:54:09,961
Speaker 1: and then I'm maybe learn a different person of me

1163
00:54:10,001 --> 00:54:12,081
Speaker 1: and what that's going to be. Like I feel now

1164
00:54:12,121 --> 00:54:14,961
Speaker 1: that I've been given a pathway to live more authentic

1165
00:54:15,161 --> 00:54:17,841
Speaker 1: to me and to let people be vulnerable. You know.

1166
00:54:18,321 --> 00:54:21,201
Speaker 1: When I started HBM, it was like I had to

1167
00:54:21,241 --> 00:54:22,881
Speaker 1: have all these walls up, like no one's hurting me,

1168
00:54:22,921 --> 00:54:24,601
Speaker 1: I'm the boss, you need to listen to me, you

1169
00:54:24,601 --> 00:54:26,161
Speaker 1: need to do this, like this is how it is,

1170
00:54:26,201 --> 00:54:28,881
Speaker 1: like da da dada. Whereas now I just feel more

1171
00:54:29,121 --> 00:54:33,241
Speaker 1: like nurturing, like it's almost like you're mothering, not mothering,

1172
00:54:33,281 --> 00:54:37,561
Speaker 1: but just taking care of everyone. So yeah, it's just

1173
00:54:37,841 --> 00:54:40,161
Speaker 1: that feels better. And a lot of people say that

1174
00:54:40,241 --> 00:54:43,161
Speaker 1: to me as well, like you if you're different, and yeah,

1175
00:54:43,561 --> 00:54:46,001
Speaker 1: especially people that have seen me from five years ago. Yeah, yes,

1176
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:47,081
Speaker 1: that's the transition.

1177
00:54:48,081 --> 00:54:51,281
Speaker 3: My last question is for anyone listening that may be

1178
00:54:51,641 --> 00:54:55,041
Speaker 3: supporting someone going through cancer, or they don't know it yet,

1179
00:54:55,081 --> 00:54:56,921
Speaker 3: been six months time they find out their husband and

1180
00:54:56,921 --> 00:55:00,041
Speaker 3: their friend, their mum is diagnosed with any type of cancer.

1181
00:55:00,801 --> 00:55:03,361
Speaker 3: Is there any advice on how what felt really good

1182
00:55:03,361 --> 00:55:05,401
Speaker 3: for you, what felt away for them to support you,

1183
00:55:05,481 --> 00:55:07,281
Speaker 3: things to say not to say.

1184
00:55:08,081 --> 00:55:11,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, that's a great question. And it's so hard

1185
00:55:11,041 --> 00:55:12,841
Speaker 1: because I do look at other people and think the

1186
00:55:12,881 --> 00:55:14,801
Speaker 1: way that they needed to be supported as well. It

1187
00:55:14,881 --> 00:55:18,281
Speaker 1: was different to me from my experience. Things that were

1188
00:55:18,321 --> 00:55:22,361
Speaker 1: really overwhelming was people missaging me asking questions, yeah all

1189
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:24,561
Speaker 1: the time, like what can I do for you? Yes,

1190
00:55:24,641 --> 00:55:26,281
Speaker 1: because you have to think that I've got to think

1191
00:55:26,321 --> 00:55:29,321
Speaker 1: about you. Yeah, So that was really hard. People would

1192
00:55:29,321 --> 00:55:31,801
Speaker 1: just send me love hearts and I will still remember that.

1193
00:55:31,921 --> 00:55:34,761
Speaker 1: There was one girl who showed up my friend Jesse,

1194
00:55:34,961 --> 00:55:37,361
Speaker 1: who sent me love hearts every single day when I

1195
00:55:37,401 --> 00:55:39,761
Speaker 1: was in hospital, and I will remember always remember that

1196
00:55:40,441 --> 00:55:43,881
Speaker 1: thinking of you basically anything from you, just like not

1197
00:55:44,361 --> 00:55:47,761
Speaker 1: expecting anything of that person, you know, just showing up.

1198
00:55:47,921 --> 00:55:50,481
Speaker 1: My best friend Emma, she was bringing me the kid's

1199
00:55:50,521 --> 00:55:52,521
Speaker 1: food to be able to cook, and like, you know,

1200
00:55:52,681 --> 00:55:54,440
Speaker 1: just like those things and it can be so hard.

1201
00:55:54,481 --> 00:55:57,161
Speaker 1: It's what is your capacity? What have you been through?

1202
00:55:57,361 --> 00:56:00,441
Speaker 1: You know? What would I do as well? Like, you know,

1203
00:56:00,441 --> 00:56:02,241
Speaker 1: i'd sit with someone on be there, like I'm not

1204
00:56:02,241 --> 00:56:05,000
Speaker 1: necessarily going to cook or let do those right, But yes,

1205
00:56:05,161 --> 00:56:08,201
Speaker 1: so I would think that if they're sharing, to really

1206
00:56:08,281 --> 00:56:11,440
Speaker 1: listen to what they're sharing about what's important to them,

1207
00:56:11,481 --> 00:56:14,961
Speaker 1: because that's a help me. But yeah, I did feel

1208
00:56:14,961 --> 00:56:18,281
Speaker 1: like thinking for somebody else was really hard, and just

1209
00:56:18,361 --> 00:56:23,801
Speaker 1: being there, like when someone is good, they're not necessarily

1210
00:56:23,841 --> 00:56:26,201
Speaker 1: good about sense. And what I mean by that is

1211
00:56:26,201 --> 00:56:27,881
Speaker 1: that there was weeks there where I was fine, so

1212
00:56:27,881 --> 00:56:29,841
Speaker 1: everyone was sort of just like fine, whereas I'm sort

1213
00:56:29,841 --> 00:56:32,041
Speaker 1: of like thinking, oh my god, like I'm not actually

1214
00:56:32,241 --> 00:56:37,041
Speaker 1: fine mentally as well. But yeah, it's such a tricky question,

1215
00:56:37,241 --> 00:56:41,961
Speaker 1: and I just definitely think listen, being there, supporting whatever

1216
00:56:42,001 --> 00:56:45,121
Speaker 1: you can if I have a partner, that was really helpful.

1217
00:56:45,121 --> 00:56:46,961
Speaker 1: A lot of people just asked my husband and he

1218
00:56:47,001 --> 00:56:50,041
Speaker 1: would do that, but then that also got overwhelming for him.

1219
00:56:50,281 --> 00:56:51,801
Speaker 1: He was like I'm trying to think for my kids

1220
00:56:51,801 --> 00:56:54,321
Speaker 1: and think for what I need from you, So it.

1221
00:56:54,361 --> 00:56:56,121
Speaker 2: Kind of needs the same thing too, just like make

1222
00:56:56,161 --> 00:56:59,041
Speaker 2: the decision. You give what you can capacity wise, and yeah,

1223
00:56:59,041 --> 00:56:59,601
Speaker 2: okay you can.

1224
00:56:59,761 --> 00:57:01,161
Speaker 1: I think it's really helpful when you put out the

1225
00:57:01,201 --> 00:57:02,480
Speaker 1: post of like if you want to help.

1226
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:03,121
Speaker 5: Yeah.

1227
00:57:04,121 --> 00:57:05,961
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was very easy for me to do that.

1228
00:57:06,041 --> 00:57:08,601
Speaker 1: So I think it is just the capacity of people

1229
00:57:08,601 --> 00:57:13,201
Speaker 1: as well, and just remembering too that illness reveals the

1230
00:57:13,201 --> 00:57:16,801
Speaker 1: capacity and not intention you know. So, And it's so

1231
00:57:16,881 --> 00:57:18,561
Speaker 1: hard when you're in it as well and you're like,

1232
00:57:18,641 --> 00:57:20,161
Speaker 1: you're shit, you're not coming to see me? Do you

1233
00:57:20,241 --> 00:57:21,721
Speaker 1: know what I mean? But it's just like it's not

1234
00:57:22,281 --> 00:57:23,121
Speaker 1: But I understand.

1235
00:57:23,241 --> 00:57:26,081
Speaker 4: That's such a powerful perspective though, take that away from it.

1236
00:57:26,681 --> 00:57:28,521
Speaker 3: Was there anything someone said that you were like, oh,

1237
00:57:28,561 --> 00:57:29,601
Speaker 3: I wish you never said that.

1238
00:57:29,801 --> 00:57:34,281
Speaker 1: I really didn't like when people told me their experiences. Yes, yeah,

1239
00:57:34,321 --> 00:57:34,561
Speaker 1: that's the.

1240
00:57:34,561 --> 00:57:35,121
Speaker 4: Way to relate.

1241
00:57:35,361 --> 00:57:37,161
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm the same with grief. Hair Oh I

1242
00:57:37,241 --> 00:57:40,441
Speaker 1: understand because my grandpa does, and like I will never

1243
00:57:40,561 --> 00:57:42,681
Speaker 1: do that now, Yeah, because I think I think I

1244
00:57:42,841 --> 00:57:45,881
Speaker 1: was because I always spoke from perspective and what I

1245
00:57:46,001 --> 00:57:49,081
Speaker 1: what I had been through relatability. Yeah, whereas they play

1246
00:57:49,641 --> 00:57:51,401
Speaker 1: one hundred percent and then when someone would be like,

1247
00:57:51,441 --> 00:57:55,361
Speaker 1: oh yeah, like my grandhead breast cancer and stage three

1248
00:57:55,601 --> 00:57:58,961
Speaker 1: at eighty eight years old. Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent.

1249
00:57:59,081 --> 00:58:01,881
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, cool, I mean three kids at home, yea,

1250
00:58:02,081 --> 00:58:04,681
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing to me, but I understand the intention.

1251
00:58:05,121 --> 00:58:06,961
Speaker 4: Yes, So it doesn't.

1252
00:58:06,761 --> 00:58:09,641
Speaker 2: Mean that your experience is invalid though, Yeah, man, I'm like, oh, okay,

1253
00:58:09,681 --> 00:58:10,201
Speaker 2: Well that's.

1254
00:58:10,761 --> 00:58:12,921
Speaker 3: Because I think it's things that people who haven't supported

1255
00:58:12,921 --> 00:58:15,121
Speaker 3: someone in the future go, oh, maybe that's not the

1256
00:58:15,201 --> 00:58:15,561
Speaker 3: right time.

1257
00:58:15,921 --> 00:58:18,441
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you know, even the love hard thing that you mentioned, Like,

1258
00:58:18,481 --> 00:58:20,521
Speaker 2: I think it's such a beautiful way to show that

1259
00:58:20,561 --> 00:58:23,041
Speaker 2: you care and that the there and the effort is there. Yeah,

1260
00:58:23,081 --> 00:58:24,601
Speaker 2: but it just looks differently for everyone.

1261
00:58:24,681 --> 00:58:26,601
Speaker 3: It's probably a personal If you do want to reach

1262
00:58:26,641 --> 00:58:28,241
Speaker 3: out for help, she'd probably be someone you would go

1263
00:58:28,281 --> 00:58:30,641
Speaker 3: to because you know she's there, but there's no pressure

1264
00:58:30,641 --> 00:58:32,041
Speaker 3: for her to like show up or do anything a

1265
00:58:32,081 --> 00:58:33,041
Speaker 3: certain stand.

1266
00:58:33,081 --> 00:58:35,161
Speaker 1: And I feel like a lot of my friends were like,

1267
00:58:35,201 --> 00:58:37,001
Speaker 1: I really care about you, but I don't know how

1268
00:58:37,041 --> 00:58:39,681
Speaker 1: to do this or do that. I'm like, oh, it's okay,

1269
00:58:39,921 --> 00:58:43,921
Speaker 1: you know, like I'm not thinking about you. Yes, if

1270
00:58:43,921 --> 00:58:47,121
Speaker 1: that makes sense. Yeah, enough going on having that experience.

1271
00:58:47,121 --> 00:58:48,801
Speaker 1: That's another thing as well, because you as a freak

1272
00:58:48,881 --> 00:58:51,481
Speaker 1: and feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing that,

1273
00:58:51,641 --> 00:58:53,041
Speaker 1: but I'm not thinking about you.

1274
00:58:53,241 --> 00:58:54,761
Speaker 4: Yeah, so valid, So.

1275
00:58:54,801 --> 00:58:57,201
Speaker 1: Like maybe that's a good point. Yeah, we're not really

1276
00:58:57,201 --> 00:58:59,841
Speaker 1: thinking of So whatever your capacity is or whatever you

1277
00:58:59,881 --> 00:59:02,281
Speaker 1: think is good, it's sort of you know, I look

1278
00:59:02,321 --> 00:59:03,881
Speaker 1: at it as like how I gave birth as well,

1279
00:59:03,961 --> 00:59:06,841
Speaker 1: Like I'm the sea and like you're the manager I've

1280
00:59:06,841 --> 00:59:10,281
Speaker 1: gone on holiday. You control what needs to happen. Yeah,

1281
00:59:10,281 --> 00:59:12,201
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean? Like you make the decisions.

1282
00:59:12,201 --> 00:59:14,081
Speaker 1: What is your capacity to be able to make sure?

1283
00:59:14,121 --> 00:59:16,441
Speaker 1: So I look at it like that, But yeah, it is.

1284
00:59:16,481 --> 00:59:18,321
Speaker 1: It really just comes down to capacity. And I think

1285
00:59:18,361 --> 00:59:21,561
Speaker 1: that I've just learned that and I feel so much

1286
00:59:21,601 --> 00:59:25,761
Speaker 1: better knowing that about not just the situation, any situation,

1287
00:59:25,881 --> 00:59:27,841
Speaker 1: like that's only what they could do, that's what they

1288
00:59:27,881 --> 00:59:29,641
Speaker 1: could give or anything like that.

1289
00:59:29,641 --> 00:59:32,841
Speaker 3: It's beautiful. Oh, what a beautiful conversation. Thank you so

1290
00:59:32,921 --> 00:59:35,841
Speaker 3: much for being so open and vulnerable on the whole journey,

1291
00:59:35,841 --> 00:59:39,401
Speaker 3: the relationships, the kids. It's incredible, we own all of you.

1292
00:59:39,681 --> 00:59:41,641
Speaker 2: It's gonna be helpful for so many women as well,

1293
00:59:41,641 --> 00:59:45,081
Speaker 2: because any women or anybody who's experiencing loved ones or

1294
00:59:45,121 --> 00:59:48,641
Speaker 2: going through themselves, having these conversations build awareness and then

1295
00:59:48,681 --> 00:59:50,601
Speaker 2: they go through in the future or they're currently or

1296
00:59:51,041 --> 00:59:54,041
Speaker 2: previously gone through it. It's like what Slanta would say,

1297
00:59:54,041 --> 00:59:55,841
Speaker 2: like you shine the light on the darkness that someone

1298
00:59:55,841 --> 00:59:58,001
Speaker 2: may be going through on their own and knowing that

1299
00:59:58,041 --> 00:59:59,721
Speaker 2: they don't have to go through it alone, and like

1300
00:59:59,841 --> 01:00:02,881
Speaker 2: having these conversations or creates so much safety around it

1301
01:00:02,881 --> 01:00:04,521
Speaker 2: to be like fuck, if that person wants to come

1302
01:00:04,521 --> 01:00:07,441
Speaker 2: and have a converse around that or get supported, they

1303
01:00:07,481 --> 01:00:09,361
Speaker 2: will lean into that term and not be so scared.

1304
01:00:09,761 --> 01:00:11,961
Speaker 2: And I think your mindset as well around this and

1305
01:00:12,001 --> 01:00:15,041
Speaker 2: how beautifully you've held this the duality of your experience,

1306
01:00:15,081 --> 01:00:17,761
Speaker 2: the heaviness and also the beauty and the positive gratitude,

1307
01:00:18,121 --> 01:00:20,441
Speaker 2: like I think is so inspiring to so many people.

1308
01:00:20,521 --> 01:00:23,841
Speaker 3: Really, yeah, oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate it,

1309
01:00:23,881 --> 01:00:25,161
Speaker 3: and we love on you and we're here for you

1310
01:00:25,241 --> 01:00:27,481
Speaker 3: however you might need in the future. And yeah, keep

1311
01:00:27,521 --> 01:00:28,041
Speaker 3: us updated.

1312
01:00:28,161 --> 01:00:32,841
Speaker 1: Thank you, love, thank you, Bye guye bye