WEBVTT - Adults are allowed to argue

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<v Speaker 1>APODJAP Production.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome back to another episode of am I A Bad Mom?

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<v Speaker 1>Podcast?

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<v Speaker 2>I actually this is going to blow your mind. Right,

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<v Speaker 2>Actually put some memes up on the am I A

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<v Speaker 2>Bad Mom Instagram You Sometimes I'm unsure whether you've already

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<v Speaker 2>put them up before and I've just missed them. And

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<v Speaker 2>then I put them up on the story and I'm like, oh, well,

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<v Speaker 2>if she has, they were going to just see it again.

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<v Speaker 3>Our followers will start to like send messages back, going,

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<v Speaker 3>so who is this today?

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<v Speaker 1>Clearly we're not.

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<v Speaker 3>I didn't even see it, Katie, Well done to you.

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<v Speaker 1>Actually, Amelia sent me once.

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<v Speaker 2>So my daughter Amelia, every now and then she'll send

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<v Speaker 2>me stuff on Instagram that she sees. Quite often it's

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<v Speaker 2>to do with Billie Eish or something she wants for

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<v Speaker 2>a birthday, But every now and then it's like a meme.

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<v Speaker 1>And one of the ones that she sent me.

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<v Speaker 2>Was once I started spending my own money, I realized

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<v Speaker 2>Mum was right. We do have food at home. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>because my reply to there's no food in the house

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<v Speaker 2>is have a look in the fridge. There'll be some fruit.

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<v Speaker 2>Look harder, rummage, there'll be some fruit in there. Because

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<v Speaker 2>no one eats it. Yeah, so I know it's in

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<v Speaker 2>there somewhere. I mean it might not be no fresh, it.

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<v Speaker 3>Might be on the bottom of the crisp bat and

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<v Speaker 3>a little bit soft, but you just get a knife

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<v Speaker 3>out cut those soft bits off.

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<v Speaker 1>It'll be totally edible.

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<v Speaker 2>The other one that she sent me, which I really liked,

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<v Speaker 2>which I actually posted as well, because it's also relevant

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<v Speaker 2>to me.

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<v Speaker 1>People see me.

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<v Speaker 2>Spending money and think I'm rich. Bro I'm just irresponsible?

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<v Speaker 2>Am I had Mum for reminding them that I am

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<v Speaker 2>the adult.

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<v Speaker 3>No, there's nothing wrong with this.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I else.

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<v Speaker 2>This is a topic that I've actually never brought up.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't think in the like seven million episodes in

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<v Speaker 2>our time, we've got so much content on our kids.

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<v Speaker 2>This is to do with arguing with your partner, whether

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<v Speaker 2>you're married, whether you've got a new partner, like, whatever

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<v Speaker 2>it might be, and how kids feel about the arguing,

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<v Speaker 2>because I don't argue with my husband very often, which

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<v Speaker 2>I think is actually part of the problem. In fact,

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<v Speaker 2>I think that's a massive part of the problem. I

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<v Speaker 2>think because they don't see it very often that when

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<v Speaker 2>it happens, they're like, oh, this is a problem, And

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<v Speaker 2>I feel like as they've got older, they've cared more

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<v Speaker 2>and more about it, to the point where had an

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<v Speaker 2>argument with Jay recently and Amelia just got so involved

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<v Speaker 2>and it would have been easy to go do that's

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<v Speaker 2>done this this, like I'm so mad at him. And

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<v Speaker 2>then I literally was like, okay, stop, you're the adult.

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<v Speaker 2>Don't put that onto your child, Like that's not what

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<v Speaker 2>you're supposed to do.

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<v Speaker 1>And so she text me when she went to school saying,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, are you going to do this? Are you

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<v Speaker 1>going to make up with dad?

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<v Speaker 2>Blah blah blah blah blah, And I started writing well,

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<v Speaker 2>and then I went, okay, no, you know what you like?

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<v Speaker 1>Rite right right, all right? And then you go.

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<v Speaker 3>You feel kind of better after you've texted one hundred

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<v Speaker 3>miles an hour and then you're like, no, I'm not

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<v Speaker 3>going to say.

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<v Speaker 2>No, don't send that and yoused delete it, and then

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<v Speaker 2>I went with yes, love her emoji. But what I

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<v Speaker 2>find happens now is they get so involved that it

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<v Speaker 2>just makes it worse. Because I was finding that she

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<v Speaker 2>was hassling me, hassling me, hassling me, what are you

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<v Speaker 2>arguing about? Trying to dig for information, and then I'd

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<v Speaker 2>give her the smallest bit of information, and then she'd

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<v Speaker 2>go to him, and he'd then think that I've been

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<v Speaker 2>talking to her, which I hadn't, and then she'd hassled,

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<v Speaker 2>hassled to hassled, hassled him. He'd then given her the

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<v Speaker 2>smallest bit of information just to shut her up and

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<v Speaker 2>send her on away, same as I had done.

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<v Speaker 1>And then she comes to me and then I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>he's talking to her about it. That's not responsible. These

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<v Speaker 1>are our kids. And then I just got to the

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<v Speaker 1>point where I was like, you need to not get involved.

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<v Speaker 2>Let us be adults. Adults can have arguments. Everyone can

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<v Speaker 2>argue and disagree on certain things, and then they work

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<v Speaker 2>through their shit and they sorted out themselves and then

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<v Speaker 2>it's fine again. What you're doing is you're getting too

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<v Speaker 2>involved and it's not healthy for you and it's not

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<v Speaker 2>helping us, and you're trying to be helpful but it's

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<v Speaker 2>actually backfiring. Yeah, what are your kids like if you

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<v Speaker 2>have an argument with Sam?

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<v Speaker 3>I think that we would be of similar nature.

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<v Speaker 1>When they're younger. They didn't care as much because I don't.

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<v Speaker 3>Know, Yeah, but we had a thing when they were

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<v Speaker 3>also younger of going like if we did have a

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<v Speaker 3>drama with each other, it would never be in front

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<v Speaker 3>of anyone, never be in front of the kids. It

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<v Speaker 3>would never be public. It would always be saved for

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<v Speaker 3>when you're both just by yourself, or it would be

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<v Speaker 3>exchanged or text message or phone calls or something when

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<v Speaker 3>you're not around anyone else. And you can easily say

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<v Speaker 3>that no one fights, but that's lying. And the therapist

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<v Speaker 3>that I saw, and you know I still see for years,

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<v Speaker 3>she always said, and I remember bringing this up, going

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<v Speaker 3>but we don't fight. She was like, that's not right then,

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<v Speaker 3>Like there is anger and arguments within a relationship that

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<v Speaker 3>can be quite healthy. And like, I'm not saying that

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<v Speaker 3>everyone needs to argue, but I'm saying that there has

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<v Speaker 3>to be levels of disagreement within you know, partnerships, because

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<v Speaker 3>that's probably what makes it even better. But the key

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<v Speaker 3>to what she always told me, especially with the children involved,

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<v Speaker 3>or if the children were to be around, when you'd

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<v Speaker 3>have that disagreement or anger at each other, is she

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<v Speaker 3>always said that the most important part is the resolution.

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<v Speaker 3>So they might see the explosion, but what the most

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<v Speaker 3>important part is for the kids to see is how

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<v Speaker 3>you resolve the issue together. Yeah, and so I've always

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<v Speaker 3>had that in the back of my mind of going

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<v Speaker 3>because like we know, like we've been doing this podcast

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<v Speaker 3>for a really long time, I'm a firecracker, Like I'm

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<v Speaker 3>definitely not an easy person to live with. Sam is

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<v Speaker 3>definitely the complete opposite. There's moments in it where you

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<v Speaker 3>just go wow. But Elsie now seems very she can

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<v Speaker 3>feel it. So when she can feel the tension, especially

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<v Speaker 3>between him and I, or she hears us arguing, she'll

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<v Speaker 3>like bring it up and she'll try and somewhat get

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<v Speaker 3>involved with going you to just stop arguing, and You're like, no,

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<v Speaker 3>this is not unhealthy. Anger is not unhealthy. We've got

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<v Speaker 3>to express it to be able to then resolve it

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<v Speaker 3>and move forward. That's a part of life. You're going

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<v Speaker 3>to have this with maybe your partner, maybe me, maybe

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<v Speaker 3>your friends. But it is a healthy, you know, part

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<v Speaker 3>of a relationship of the you know, especially with the

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<v Speaker 3>people that you do care for and do have that

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<v Speaker 3>relationship with or friendship. But yeah, so Elsie use more

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<v Speaker 3>of the feel like Gracie will tend to like really

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<v Speaker 3>shy away, like really sort of retreat almost if we're arguing.

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<v Speaker 2>I've got friends and family who the kids don't bat

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<v Speaker 2>an eyel it because they bicker a lot, yep. And

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<v Speaker 2>so that's a constant and that's been a constant yea.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's why they've been little. It's like little biggers here,

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<v Speaker 2>little bigger's here getting mad at each other, but being open,

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<v Speaker 2>and you know, maybe that's a good thing, saying you

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<v Speaker 2>know what you're annoyed at at that time and then

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<v Speaker 2>fixing it instantly.

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<v Speaker 1>And the kids have just they ignore it. Like I

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<v Speaker 1>watch them, it's like water off a duck's back. They're

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<v Speaker 1>used to that.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I think definitely, when you're in a household

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<v Speaker 2>where you don't argue very often, then it's a bit

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<v Speaker 2>of a shock to them and then they start getting,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, worried. And this is an interesting conversation as

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<v Speaker 2>well for anyone that's like going through a breakup or whatever.

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<v Speaker 2>It might be navigating kids when you're fucking hating each

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<v Speaker 2>other in that moment. This is going to be a

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<v Speaker 2>really weird analogy. But I remember seeing something about Kim Kardashian, right,

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<v Speaker 2>and she was talking about Kanye West.

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<v Speaker 1>Obviously the world.

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<v Speaker 2>Knows he's done all sorts of you know, things that

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<v Speaker 2>is crazy, but she said to my children, I will

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<v Speaker 2>always be his biggest cheerleader.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, he's their dad. That's a hard thing to do easy.

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<v Speaker 3>It is a very much adult thing to do.

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<v Speaker 2>You are not agreeing with anything they're doing or saying,

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<v Speaker 2>and whatever they've done to you, I don't know, but

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<v Speaker 2>you're going, Okay, I'm going to put that aside. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>going to be really fucking grown up, and I'm going

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<v Speaker 2>to do nothing but speak highly of them in front

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<v Speaker 2>of my children because that's their father.

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<v Speaker 3>And that is something I think that we should all

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<v Speaker 3>take that piece of advice. I mean, I wouldn't say

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<v Speaker 3>there would be anything else that I would take from

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<v Speaker 3>Kim Kardashian as advice, but that in itself is definitely

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<v Speaker 3>something that I would encourage. But also, you know, have

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<v Speaker 3>that ability to do the work on yourself to be

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<v Speaker 3>able to park your own emotions towards that person for

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<v Speaker 3>the sake of your children, because you've gone to the

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<v Speaker 3>point of right recreating humans with these people. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>my mom could have easily shut all over my dad

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<v Speaker 3>when they split up, like easily, but she didn't. She

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<v Speaker 3>was always like, nope, because he's always going to be

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<v Speaker 3>your father, And I always want you to have your

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<v Speaker 3>father in your lives, and he's a really good man,

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<v Speaker 3>and he's you know, and he's your dad at the

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<v Speaker 3>end of the day, and that nothing will ever change that.

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<v Speaker 3>And so all she did was, you know, encourage that relationship.

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<v Speaker 3>And she had a lot to park, Let's just put

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<v Speaker 3>it that way, to be able to, you know, help

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<v Speaker 3>us flourish within our relationship with our dad. Yeah, that's

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<v Speaker 3>like another whole topic for me because I look at

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<v Speaker 3>that and go, I'm a byproduct of that. And now,

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<v Speaker 3>in turn, if Sam and I had to split tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 3>there's no way that I would turn on him via

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<v Speaker 3>my children, because all we're doing is damaging our kids.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's such a big and important thing to do,

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<v Speaker 2>which my mom also did when her and my dad's up.

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<v Speaker 2>My dad had an affair with the lady who ran

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<v Speaker 2>the local pub.

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<v Speaker 1>So what my mom did, which is similar to what

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<v Speaker 1>you're saying, she wrote on the.

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<v Speaker 2>Board outside where they had the lunch specials. Yep, Graham

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<v Speaker 2>Matton has been bonking pat from behind the bar.

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<v Speaker 1>Don't eat here. I knew that makes me.

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<v Speaker 3>Because that's not affecting your kids. That's just simply stating

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<v Speaker 3>a fact. That's very clear to the point, and it's

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<v Speaker 3>just on the Lunch Special board.