Speaker 1: Okay, it team, it's it's Robert, It's Robert Cappuci. Well
Speaker 1: I'm not Robert, but Robert's here.
Speaker 2: I'm Craig.
Speaker 1: Robert commonly and lovingly referred to here at typ Central
Speaker 1: as what is fucking Trential Central as young Bobby?
Speaker 2: Hi made? How are you?
Speaker 3: I'm doing all right? You sound fantastic like that my
Speaker 3: favor really performing? Well, you sound better than the normal Hereah.
Speaker 2: Wow, thanks dude.
Speaker 1: Well, I've got it in the right place. Melissa and
Speaker 1: Tiff both get mad at me for many things. Many
Speaker 1: one of them is the ill placement of my microphone, or,
Speaker 1: perhaps more accurately, the proximity of my face to the
Speaker 1: aforementioned microphone. So I've tried to, after two thousand episodes,
Speaker 1: take on board their feedback and be a little bit
Speaker 1: more responsible. So here I am talking into the actual
Speaker 1: microphone like a grown up.
Speaker 3: Well well done, because this is evidence about why they're
Speaker 3: giving you a shit about it in the first place.
Speaker 3: You sound the same, but you're so amplified.
Speaker 1: Wow wow, look at me, amplified and clear. If only
Speaker 1: I could be that all the time. Yeah, how you been?
Speaker 2: What are you up to? What is news?
Speaker 3: It's been a good week. It's been a really good week,
Speaker 3: just getting ready for events. We have an edge of
Speaker 3: event next week, which I didn't realize. It's snuck up
Speaker 3: on us so quickly. August that's flown by. How's it
Speaker 3: been for you? Is? It's just like it seems like
Speaker 3: a just guard here a day ago and now.
Speaker 1: It's everything is flying for me because I'm under the
Speaker 1: pump with a few things. Everyone's under the pump, but
Speaker 1: I'm for me. I'm particularly under the pump these few months.
Speaker 2: But that is all good. Yeah, you know, sometimes it's
Speaker 2: like I've got all.
Speaker 1: These things that I can that I need to do,
Speaker 1: Like I need to do the podcast, I need to
Speaker 1: do my speaking gigs.
Speaker 2: I'm just talking work now everyone. I need to.
Speaker 1: Finish my PhD. I need to write this paper. I
Speaker 1: need to you know, I need to review that to
Speaker 1: you know, submit this, submit that, all of that. And
Speaker 1: then there's the mum and dad.
Speaker 2: Stuff, who of course take priority over all the other stuff.
Speaker 2: But I've got to look after them and love them.
Speaker 1: And then I've got to try and get to the
Speaker 1: gym so I don't turn into a badass. And then
Speaker 1: then I've got to kind of get out of this
Speaker 1: chair and walk a bit, and then I probably should
Speaker 1: have some balance, So I should probably watch an episode
Speaker 1: of and then you go, oh, fucking now, it's tomorrow.
Speaker 1: Like it is trying to put all that together.
Speaker 2: And remain.
Speaker 1: The calm in the chaos while you're doing all that,
Speaker 1: and be productive and figuring out what is the right
Speaker 1: kind of balance for me of all of that, what
Speaker 1: is do I know when I should just stop doing
Speaker 1: whatever it is I'm doing for a while and walk
Speaker 1: away and just do something silly or fun or unrelated.
Speaker 2: So that's like.
Speaker 1: I've never been busier than I am at the moment
Speaker 1: in my life. And that's saying a lot, because you
Speaker 1: know how busy my life was back in the days
Speaker 1: when we met. But just in terms of my personal
Speaker 1: workload at the moment.
Speaker 2: There's a lot. But I enjoy it and no one's
Speaker 2: making me do it.
Speaker 3: It seems like it's compounding increasingly. I mean, even even
Speaker 3: six year olds have a full schedule, don't they. They've
Speaker 3: got every minute of the day planned, Like unbound spontaneous play,
Speaker 3: which is essential for development of our brain, creativity, socialization,
Speaker 3: that's gone. I mean, everything they're booked in fifteen minute increments,
Speaker 3: like all of us are just insanely busy. And I
Speaker 3: wonder because a lot of it feels like it needs
Speaker 3: to be done. But what I wonder is does it
Speaker 3: necessarily make us more effective?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Does it make us happier? Does it make us more fulfilled?
Speaker 1: Does it make us less anxious? I don't think so.
Speaker 1: I mean, and you know, of course there's no in
Speaker 1: inverted commas set formula or you know, one approach fits
Speaker 1: all protocol. But yeah, it's it's amazing how much stuff
Speaker 1: we do that doesn't really work, but we keep doing
Speaker 1: it because we've always done it, Like we do what
Speaker 1: we used to do, because that's what we do, and
Speaker 1: that's how we do.
Speaker 2: It, you know.
Speaker 1: And do you remember that story about the grandmother who
Speaker 1: used to cut the ends off the turkey or the
Speaker 1: roast or whatever it was, and then, you know, and
Speaker 1: the initial reason that she cut the ends off was
Speaker 1: because her oven was small and the gigantic roast or
Speaker 1: whatever it was wouldn't fit in the oven. And then
Speaker 1: three generations later, her great great great granddaughters are still
Speaker 1: you know, chopping the ends off despite their huge oven,
Speaker 1: not knowing why. But that's the way it's always been done.
Speaker 1: And I feel like there's a bit of groundhog Day
Speaker 1: in all of us.
Speaker 2: A little bit of.
Speaker 1: You know, that whole idea of intentional and conscious living.
Speaker 1: It's really a daily practice. It's really a like I
Speaker 1: asked myself, which I've shared this ten times on this show,
Speaker 1: but every morning when I go to the cafe, the question,
Speaker 1: the everyday question I ask is in terms of what
Speaker 1: I want to do be create today, what do I
Speaker 1: need to focus on? What should have my attention today?
Speaker 1: And ergo what shouldn't have my attention today? Because it's
Speaker 1: so easy to give your attention and focus and mental
Speaker 1: energy to things that really shouldn't have it.
Speaker 3: I mean a lot of times I think why these
Speaker 3: things happen and why we double down in times of uncertainty,
Speaker 3: which I think globally right now it's a time of uncertainty,
Speaker 3: just the rate of advancement in technology. That ridiculous question
Speaker 3: we used to ask people about their five year plan,
Speaker 3: like where do you see yourself in five years? Don't
Speaker 3: even know where I'm going to see myself in five weeks.
Speaker 3: The world might be dramatically different than it is today,
Speaker 3: And we have these practices and rituals that shape part
Speaker 3: of our identity and it's just the way things have
Speaker 3: always been. It gives us stability and a level of certainty.
Speaker 3: Things get like really chaotic. You know, what do we do?
Speaker 3: We double down on what worked before, even if it
Speaker 3: no longer works, it's still familiar. Yes, our creativity kind
Speaker 3: of gets constricted, it collapses under the weed of anxiety.
Speaker 3: You know, how do you navigate through understanding clearly what
Speaker 3: matters most versus what matters the least on a D
Speaker 3: to day basis? What is that like for you?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good question.
Speaker 1: I mean, my my ideal answer is.
Speaker 2: An I'll unpack both.
Speaker 1: Is that I try to live a life that is
Speaker 1: so operationally, practically, personally, professionally in relationships that is a
Speaker 1: reflection of my values. So, you know, do you know
Speaker 1: what I can say this? I'm going to say this,
Speaker 1: I am I going to say it. Yeah, so not yesterday,
Speaker 1: the day before. I got a really good opportunity through
Speaker 1: this show, through our God bless them, our kind of
Speaker 1: the Home of the You project is of course no
Speaker 1: Over Entertainment. Who's a big organization astray wide, and they're
Speaker 1: great to ask and I'm forever thankful, and they Melissa
Speaker 1: sent me, as she does many times, she sent me
Speaker 1: a text to say I've sent you an email. I
Speaker 1: have a look, and it was basically, i'll tell you
Speaker 1: off air. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus.
Speaker 1: I won't say what it was on air, but it
Speaker 1: was a sponsorship opportunity which was quite good, so quite
Speaker 1: good money. And when I saw what I needed to
Speaker 1: sell or we needed to sell on this show, I
Speaker 1: straightway said no. And it's not you know, it's not
Speaker 1: that it's horrendous. It's just not something I could sell,
Speaker 1: and so or I would, I would not use it.
Speaker 2: I would not advise.
Speaker 1: Anyone use it, and you know, so for that reason,
Speaker 1: I just have to go. Yes, I would like the money,
Speaker 1: but it's out of alignment with my beliefs and values
Speaker 1: and ethics. So although it's a hard decision, it's a
Speaker 1: very clear decision, you know.
Speaker 3: So you passed on the Viagra opportunity.
Speaker 1: No, No, If Viagra want to sponsor me, send that
Speaker 1: shit over here, because I haven't had an erection since
Speaker 1: the nineties, so fucking jump on board. But you know, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think all silliness aside for me like, of course
Speaker 1: I fuck around a lot and I joke, but I
Speaker 1: also take very really seriously the fact that in the
Speaker 1: middle of my silliness and my jokes and my bullshit,
Speaker 1: people actually trust.
Speaker 2: Me and lean in.
Speaker 1: And if all of a sudden, I'm, for example, doing
Speaker 1: something saying something or selling something which seems really out
Speaker 1: of alignment with or is out of alignment with who
Speaker 1: people think I am, one, I don't want to do
Speaker 1: that because you know, but two, you know, you're telling
Speaker 1: people that you're full of shit, and you're telling people
Speaker 1: that you have a price, And for me, I would
Speaker 1: rather be broke than that, you know, So, without trying
Speaker 1: to sound too bloddy, weird and deep, Yeah, for me.
Speaker 2: It's it's knowing.
Speaker 1: It's thinking every day about because I think for a
Speaker 1: long time I lived not unintentionally because I did have
Speaker 1: a focus, but I did do a lot of stuff
Speaker 1: which was basically driven by subconscious thinking, subconscious programming. And
Speaker 1: you know that old metaphor of when you're in the river,
Speaker 1: you know, you're just going with the river, like you're
Speaker 1: you're not directing anything, but it you know, your life
Speaker 1: like a river has its own flow, it has its
Speaker 1: own energy, It has its own momentum, and you know,
Speaker 1: you getting up or me getting up every day and
Speaker 1: just stepping back into the river. We just carry on
Speaker 1: where we left off yesterday. And I think the challenges
Speaker 1: to swim or paddle to the side of the metaphoric river,
Speaker 1: get out, hop up on the bank or maybe some
Speaker 1: metaphoric vantage point, and just go. Am I in the
Speaker 1: right river? Am I going the right.
Speaker 2: Direction in the river? You know?
Speaker 1: Is this the river I need to be in? Or
Speaker 1: maybe do I need to get the fuck out of
Speaker 1: the river for a while. And I think that so
Speaker 1: many people literally wake up one day and think, how
Speaker 1: the fuck did I get here?
Speaker 2: And well, you got there because of.
Speaker 1: The things you did and didn't do, and the choices
Speaker 1: you made and didn't make, and you know, and some
Speaker 1: of it was in your control, some of it was
Speaker 1: out of your control. But you know, very much I'm
Speaker 1: about I understand that things happened to you or around
Speaker 1: you that weren't great, and you have it's like you
Speaker 1: went through a shit childhood that you didn't choose, Like
Speaker 1: you had a lot of things that were out of
Speaker 1: your control, that were unfair, that were brutal, that were painful,
Speaker 1: right and what I love about you is in the
Speaker 1: middle of all of that, you you didn't capitulate. And
Speaker 1: we're not pretending that that life wasn't bad or that
Speaker 1: things weren't hard or horrible.
Speaker 2: They were. But you know, and now here you are,
Speaker 2: all these years later.
Speaker 1: And you're doing great, and you're helping people, and you're
Speaker 1: a healthy member and a functional member of society, and
Speaker 1: you've got a gorgeous side.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you do it.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I just think that's that.
Speaker 1: So.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think trying to trying.
Speaker 1: To be fully accountable and responsible for your own life
Speaker 1: to the extent that you can, because of course there
Speaker 1: will always be things beyond your control.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I think it comes from clarity as well. I
Speaker 3: love I love your analogy of the river like being
Speaker 3: taken where the rivers just flow in the direction of
Speaker 3: flow of the river for usus getting out of the
Speaker 3: river and being able to observe facts. Yeah, I think
Speaker 3: how I would frame that is, you know, looking through
Speaker 3: your filter. We've always cut the EDGs off the meat
Speaker 3: loaf because you know, that's just the way it was
Speaker 3: done thing, versus looking at your filter, like why do
Speaker 3: I engage and function in life the way I do,
Speaker 3: and is this really where I want? And what I
Speaker 3: got from that is values. Understanding what you value makes
Speaker 3: your life so much simpler, Like for you with the
Speaker 3: sponsorship opportunity, it's a matter of integrity and ethics. But
Speaker 3: for other people it might be Okay, how do I
Speaker 3: discern what's truly an opportunity which truly fulfills me and
Speaker 3: something that comes along that sounds great, but it's really
Speaker 3: going to turn me into an octopus on rollablates a
Speaker 3: lot of motion, but not a lot of direction because
Speaker 3: it's not aligned with what it is that I truly
Speaker 3: believe I am identity and what it is that I
Speaker 3: truly want and gives me meaning my values. So I
Speaker 3: think it's it's a really good place to start, is there?
Speaker 3: And it's like when you know Michael Gerber you had
Speaker 3: him on your show not too long ago where he
Speaker 3: talks about working in your business versus working on it.
Speaker 3: It's like, what is that compass that allows you to
Speaker 3: do stuff like that?
Speaker 1: I think also, as you were talking about that, I
Speaker 1: was thinking, however, if I was presented with the same opportunities.
Speaker 2: And I was.
Speaker 1: A dad, or a single dad perhaps, and I had
Speaker 1: four kids and I didn't live the life of privilege,
Speaker 1: relative privilege that I now do that value that might
Speaker 1: change things. You know, I might go, fuck it. I
Speaker 1: don't really love this product, but my kids need to eat,
Speaker 1: so you know, I think you know that it's a
Speaker 1: little bit context dependent.
Speaker 3: You know everything. Lifers can't text the pandemic, ye like.
Speaker 1: Well, given the right, you know, it's like, I don't
Speaker 1: like violence at all, but at all, and I hope
Speaker 1: I never have to be in an altercation or anything ever,
Speaker 1: But there have been times in my life where somebody's
Speaker 1: been trying to hurt someone.
Speaker 2: That I care about or me, and you go, well,
Speaker 2: if I'm not.
Speaker 1: At the very least being physical, you know, or doing
Speaker 1: something to defend me or someone else, there's going to
Speaker 1: be a problem.
Speaker 2: So I don't ever want to be in the middle
Speaker 2: of it. I don't ever want to start it.
Speaker 1: But it's not okay to punch me in the face,
Speaker 1: you know, There's it depends on what is going on.
Speaker 1: So I think that, but in general terms, as much
Speaker 1: as possible, I think, you know, default to default to what.
Speaker 2: Is it that that matters to you most? What are
Speaker 2: the things that you know?
Speaker 1: I started writing this piece yes, they made. It was
Speaker 1: going to be a post on Instagram and it was
Speaker 1: about I was just writing about the the dichotomy between
Speaker 1: like trying to be like really trying to be this
Speaker 1: person that comes from a place of love and kindness
Speaker 1: and service. And I know this all sounds very cliche
Speaker 1: and you know, like spiritual psychobabble, and we get so
Speaker 1: much of this in twenty twenty five, and I think
Speaker 1: so much of it's kind of bullshit, and people kind
Speaker 1: of virtue signaling and whatever. But there, of course there
Speaker 1: are other people who are the real deal and genuine.
Speaker 1: But for me, like I actually want to be that,
Speaker 1: and I'm often not that I try to be that.
Speaker 1: I try to be of value and service and kindness
Speaker 1: and love and to empower other people without a gender,
Speaker 1: Like I think that's the key without agenda.
Speaker 2: So it's not strategic.
Speaker 1: But one of the other like kind of spanners in
Speaker 1: the works here is that while you want to be
Speaker 1: this kind, empathetic, aware human, there are also people that
Speaker 1: coexist with us that do fucking horrible things, like people
Speaker 1: that are just not nice people like people who actually
Speaker 1: do bad, horrible shit that I won't expand on this,
Speaker 1: but do bad, horrible shit, fully knowing what they're doing,
Speaker 1: fully intending to hurt someone else, or at the very
Speaker 1: least fully intending to look after themselves, not giving a
Speaker 1: fuck about the consequences for anyone. And then you know,
Speaker 1: so for me in the middle of it, don't know
Speaker 1: how we got here, but anyway, then the challenge is
Speaker 1: how do I still be this kind, compassionate person but
Speaker 1: not a walkover, but not an emotional doormat, but not
Speaker 1: not you know, how do I deal.
Speaker 2: With this person? You know, I think it.
Speaker 1: Was you'll remember maybe it was Edmund Burke or someone
Speaker 1: who said all that's necessary for evil to triumph is
Speaker 1: for it said good men. But we can say good
Speaker 1: people is for good people to do nothing.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be the person who does nothing.
Speaker 1: But then it's knowing how much do I do? What
Speaker 1: do I do? What is appropriate? What is inappropriate? And
Speaker 1: I've told the story before about I went out with
Speaker 1: my mom and dad about ten years ago, and even then,
Speaker 1: my mum was seventy five, so she was elderly, and
Speaker 1: a guy in the city who was I would dare say,
Speaker 1: you know, drug effected, But he stepped out in front
Speaker 1: of my mum and grabbed my mum on the arm
Speaker 1: because he wanted money. And it's it's like, all of
Speaker 1: a sudden, mister love and light and unicorns and Jesus,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I'm like a fucking you know,
Speaker 1: a psychopath getting this guy off my mum. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you don't, you don't do that, Like that's not okay.
Speaker 1: And that took like one second for me to elevate
Speaker 1: one second, and I didn't do anything horrendous to him,
Speaker 1: but he probably wouldn't have done that again in a hurry,
Speaker 1: not that night anyway. But you know, just that trying
Speaker 1: to manage that, that drive to be a kind, compassionate
Speaker 1: human doing good but also not at the cost of
Speaker 1: letting or enabling people to do horrible shit. Like for
Speaker 1: me to find that balance is hard.
Speaker 3: I mean, but for me looking at it from the outside,
Speaker 3: d you were living in complete alignment with that, because
Speaker 3: I think there's there's a misconception that kindness and compassion
Speaker 3: has to be soft. You were acting out of kindness
Speaker 3: and out of compassion for your mom, which is which
Speaker 3: is expected, and you like, look, you talked about context
Speaker 3: of everything. If I said, oh my god, Greg I'm coming,
Speaker 3: you know, coming to Melbourne next week and let's just
Speaker 3: let's just get together, let's just go have dinner. And
Speaker 3: you're like, oh, yeah, that's fantastic, Bobby, And I'm like, look,
Speaker 3: I you know, I have a friend of mine right
Speaker 3: and his name is John. He's going to be out
Speaker 3: in Melbourne as well. I would love for you to
Speaker 3: meet him. Tell me a little bit about him. I'd
Speaker 3: love to meet him. Oh, he's a really fun guy
Speaker 3: to be around. He's really charismatic, he's super kind, compassionate. Like,
Speaker 3: you know, he's he's killed over twenty people. You're just
Speaker 3: gonna you might go, whoa, whoa, wait what hold on?
Speaker 3: Hold on, wait a second, Like what do you mean?
Speaker 3: He's like, I don't know if I want to, Like,
Speaker 3: but if I said, yeah, oh, he killed over twenty people.
Speaker 3: You know, he was in a war zone and he
Speaker 3: saved a bunch of women and children from enemy combatants.
Speaker 3: Well does that matter? Now? Does that context matter? So
Speaker 3: is it like, oh, well, this, how's this guy kind
Speaker 3: of capassion He's killed twenty people, like he seems like
Speaker 3: a complete psychopath. Where wait, okay, he saved the lives
Speaker 3: of Well that's not Sometimes it's courageous to be kind.
Speaker 3: Sometimes it is courageous, and it is a sign of
Speaker 3: strength to be compassionate. So like living your values doesn't
Speaker 3: have to it doesn't have to be a compromise. It's
Speaker 3: what's the context of how those values need to show
Speaker 3: up in order to serve you through integrity. And when
Speaker 3: I say integrity, I mean consistency.
Speaker 2: Like do what a great example?
Speaker 1: Do?
Speaker 2: That's a great example, dude? I like that.
Speaker 1: I may even use that, and then I'll just I'll
Speaker 1: cite you, of course, and I'll put you in the
Speaker 1: references at the bottom. I'll see if I can squeeze
Speaker 1: that into my thesis somehow, just so you.
Speaker 2: Get a mention in the paper.
Speaker 3: Thank you appreciate that?
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: We were going to chat today a little bit about
Speaker 1: confidence and how that works.
Speaker 2: And as always we meand it around for twenty minutes.
Speaker 2: But I loved it.
Speaker 1: One of the questions I often get answered, or I
Speaker 1: often get asked I should say, is.
Speaker 2: How do I how do.
Speaker 1: I build my confidence around public speaking? Because I'm scared?
Speaker 1: How do I be less scared? How do I be better?
Speaker 1: How do I be And of course the answer is
Speaker 1: by public speaking right, You can't get good at the
Speaker 1: thing that you won't do.
Speaker 2: You can't master what you avoid.
Speaker 1: What what have you had to do or what has
Speaker 1: worked for you over the years in terms of enabling
Speaker 1: you to feel comfortable, more comfortable, less anxious, more confidence,
Speaker 1: and ultimately, you know, being more skillful and more effective
Speaker 1: at what you do.
Speaker 2: And whether or not that was as a speaker or
Speaker 2: a coach or.
Speaker 1: Something else, like what what do you do? How have
Speaker 1: you done it?
Speaker 3: It's been a few things right now, at the top
Speaker 3: of my head, it's three. I mean, if you ask
Speaker 3: me how minutes from now, they'll probably be a fourth.
Speaker 3: But right now the three things were I had one
Speaker 3: big thing that was so enormous it kind of superseded
Speaker 3: every other emotion that was a distraction. It's not like
Speaker 3: I didn't contend with self doubt, anxiety. It's not like, Okay,
Speaker 3: before I got up to speak, well, I was super confident,
Speaker 3: never afraid, No, just the opposite. So I don't know
Speaker 3: if I ever shared this with you, But when I
Speaker 3: first started going out on the road, like consistently where
Speaker 3: I was speaking probably at least once a week my
Speaker 3: crew at NASM, there was this running joke. Especially in
Speaker 3: large rooms like the giant ballrooms, It's like, okay, when
Speaker 3: we announced Bobby, He's going to come in from the
Speaker 3: back of the room. Now, people used to think that
Speaker 3: I was doing that for effect, because it was dramatic
Speaker 3: effect rather than standing on the stage, because I made
Speaker 3: a show of it. I would come in and start
Speaker 3: talking my intro from the back and people are looking
Speaker 3: around like where is he and then yeah, I don't
Speaker 3: and then they would realize this guy's coming up the
Speaker 3: aisle full energy, and then I'm on stage. That was
Speaker 3: my signature. But everybody knew, and they would just take
Speaker 3: the piss out of me mercilessly for this. They knew
Speaker 3: that the reason for that is when they started introducing me,
Speaker 3: I would get so terrified. I'd have to go find
Speaker 3: the loo because I needed it a week desperately, no
Speaker 3: matter what, because I felt so scared. But I knew
Speaker 3: that it was so important, this one thing that I
Speaker 3: wanted to be, this sense of identity, that I would
Speaker 3: get myself in the zone regardless. I think number two
Speaker 3: for me was focusing on becoming very competent, as competent
Speaker 3: as I could possibly be. I would wake up super
Speaker 3: early in the morning and just read and like, how
Speaker 3: can I apply this information? What's one action I could
Speaker 3: take in my workflow and my daily life teaching where
Speaker 3: I can utilize this information. I'd do the same thing.
Speaker 3: On the way home from Mark, I'd stop off in
Speaker 3: another coffee shop, have a tea. It's in the evening,
Speaker 3: and I would sit there and this is how I
Speaker 3: would restructure my environment. So I was getting at least
Speaker 3: three hours a day of reading technical material. And then
Speaker 3: in my car, I was always listening to something. I
Speaker 3: was never driving. And I'm not saying that's the right
Speaker 3: way to be either. Now I probably have arguments against that,
Speaker 3: but I would listen to some form of professional development,
Speaker 3: business book summaries, and just the more competent you are,
Speaker 3: confidence and competence cohabit together. They feed one another. And
Speaker 3: then the third thing is where your focus is. I've
Speaker 3: always found that when I'm trying to do something for myself,
Speaker 3: right I'm going to go out and I'm going to
Speaker 3: start building a side business consulting or coaching, I never
Speaker 3: do as well as when I'm focused on what is
Speaker 3: it that I want to provide for other people? How
Speaker 3: do I be and service of them because all that
Speaker 3: doubt and anxiety is this going to work? And the
Speaker 3: history of the times I started businesses and I failed miserably.
Speaker 3: I mean, those are entertaining, but they're there right. Everybody
Speaker 3: has that in their background. There's not a lot of
Speaker 3: mental energy for me to focus inward when I'm completely
Speaker 3: focused outward on a mission that involves other people. So
Speaker 3: for me, it's it was identity. It was the relentless
Speaker 3: pursuit of competence, which came from a passion around the
Speaker 3: subject matter that I was teaching, and it was an
Speaker 3: outwardly focused mission. I would reframe that as originating intention
Speaker 3: because originating intention, by its nature, is focused outward on
Speaker 3: the person in front of you, within your circle of influence.
Speaker 3: It starts with you. It's not like we and us
Speaker 3: and our mission. It's about what I want for you.
Speaker 3: And the thing about that is I had some train
Speaker 3: me years ago that you are at the extremes either
Speaker 3: your originating intention or you're your shadow. And the more
Speaker 3: you are consciously focusing on showing up and being the
Speaker 3: embodiment of what it is that's sacred for you that
Speaker 3: you want for others, the further away you are from
Speaker 3: being your shadow, and the more you move off of that,
Speaker 3: the more you feed the opportunity for your shadow to emerge.
Speaker 3: So that those three things have really helped me with confidence.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you what today, Like, I had a great
Speaker 3: experience with my cohort. So I'm in a Mastermind coaching
Speaker 3: program where they're where we have master coaches taking us
Speaker 3: as coaches and it's it's a nine month education and
Speaker 3: development plan and someone who who I have a lot
Speaker 3: of respects for. So one of our master instructors a
Speaker 3: couple of months ago, because we consistently are doing you know,
Speaker 3: we're being evaluated, we have to show up and take
Speaker 3: each other through these coaching sessions, and in a very
Speaker 3: lovely and constructive way, said something to the effect of, Wow,
Speaker 3: you're really showing up and it's like you're dedicated to
Speaker 3: your process. So I got something in my and what
Speaker 3: he meant by that, I think was I was showing up. Okay,
Speaker 3: here's the model I'm going to use. Here's my questions
Speaker 3: I'm going to ask, And it's like, where are you
Speaker 3: in relation to the client? Like you're fifteen minutes in
Speaker 3: the future, you already know where you're guiding this conversations
Speaker 3: that that might be selling, that might be consulting, that
Speaker 3: is by far not coaching. And it's because I was
Speaker 3: going through a crisis of confidence because of a lot
Speaker 3: of things that were going on in my not so
Speaker 3: with personal life, but work life. And it was a
Speaker 3: series of things that compounded one on top of another.
Speaker 3: And then what I started doing is, you know, because
Speaker 3: a lot of things that altered behaviors is the environment
Speaker 3: we put ourselves in and said, I'm not going to
Speaker 3: give myself a chance to do that. Where if I
Speaker 3: know that this is this is a mentorship session, we're
Speaker 3: going to be evaluated, I'm not even looking at the sheet.
Speaker 3: So when I show up, I don't know if I'm
Speaker 3: going to have to be the client that day. I
Speaker 3: don't know if I'm going to be evaluated as a
Speaker 3: coach that day. And I don't and I don't even
Speaker 3: know where in that order of like the five pairs
Speaker 3: that are going I am. So when they say, hey,
Speaker 3: well you know, Bobby, you're a coach, You're going forth,
Speaker 3: I'm like surprised. So it gives me no ability to
Speaker 3: be in my head and to over prepare. And the
Speaker 3: only thing I have to do show up, listen and
Speaker 3: figure out how do I serve this person in front
Speaker 3: of me. In the past couple of times i've done that,
Speaker 3: my ev ows skyrocketed. Yeah, the feedback I got was
Speaker 3: so much better when I actually decided to show up
Speaker 3: rather than to have my anxiety lead in front of me.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's I did a thing yesterday. I don't know
Speaker 4: if we mentioned already anyway, the Alzheimer's is kicking him.
Speaker 2: But I did a gig. And the lady who m
Speaker 2: seed the.
Speaker 1: Day, who was great. But her and I are different,
Speaker 1: not good or bad, different, not better or worse, just different.
Speaker 1: Her very well presented, very polished, very articulate, very structured,
Speaker 1: very you know everything, like the person you want.
Speaker 2: Running the day. You don't want me running the day.
Speaker 1: Because it would be a dogs breakfast?
Speaker 2: Do you want her running the day?
Speaker 1: And she gets up and just like every tea crossed,
Speaker 1: every I dotted, every everything, and the ultimate professional.
Speaker 2: And I'm the first speaker.
Speaker 1: So I'm out of the gate nine am keynote opening
Speaker 1: for the conference, right, and she's does her thing, talks
Speaker 1: about a few bits space.
Speaker 2: She's up there for about ten minutes.
Speaker 1: Right, and obviously put a lot of work and effort
Speaker 1: and did a great job. And then I get up
Speaker 1: there and I realized, when I'm up there, there's a lecturn.
Speaker 1: I don't want to stand for an hour at a lecturn.
Speaker 1: So I just walked to the middle of stage and
Speaker 1: I go, can you all hear me if I'm not
Speaker 1: standing over there, because I don't want to stand over
Speaker 1: there like I have the you know, like I'm free range,
Speaker 1: I'm organic.
Speaker 2: I cannot stand at e lecturn for an hour.
Speaker 1: And then they're like yeah, and then the audio visual
Speaker 1: guy goes, hey, I'll put on a thing.
Speaker 2: So then he walks on stage.
Speaker 1: Now already it's a shambles, but a fun shambles, right,
Speaker 1: And then I've got this guy on stage in front
Speaker 1: of two hundred and fifty people who's all up in
Speaker 1: my face, right, just running a wire down my shirt
Speaker 1: as you've had done a million times, and then he
Speaker 1: clips the package into your your pants, and then he's
Speaker 1: clipping the actual mic on the top, and it's like
Speaker 1: you're it's very intimate, like you're literally inches away from
Speaker 1: each other.
Speaker 2: And then so I start fucking around.
Speaker 1: About that, and I start, it's worth one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: I said, this is the most attention I've had in
Speaker 1: fucking months.
Speaker 2: This is great.
Speaker 1: You'll find a slater spooning in the foyer right, and
Speaker 1: everyone's and then so and then this started. And then
Speaker 1: I turned around because I don't use any tech and
Speaker 1: I don't have notes, and then I look at the whiteboard,
Speaker 1: which looks like it was from my nine and seventy two,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: Grade two classroom.
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I hope this lasts the hour, and
Speaker 1: everyone laughs because it looks one hundred years old in
Speaker 1: the in this beautiful corporate environment, by the way. And
Speaker 1: then I went to write something and then were no
Speaker 1: whiteboard markers. So then the old av guy comes up
Speaker 1: again and we recommence our relationship mid stage, with him
Speaker 1: offering me a range, like a drug dealer, a range
Speaker 1: of different whiteboard markers. And it ended up just being
Speaker 1: this hour of interaction and fun and Lucy Goosey, and
Speaker 1: halfway through one of the I don't know, managing directors
Speaker 1: or someone was worried there was a bit of metal
Speaker 1: on stage that he thought I was going to trip
Speaker 1: on because I'd hit it a few times with my shoe.
Speaker 1: Then he wanted to address that I'm like up the
Speaker 1: arc hel safety guys here. So then he came up,
Speaker 1: and then the guy the whole conference organizer who's lovely
Speaker 1: but a little bit like, doesn't love the spotlight. Right,
Speaker 1: I was talking about we're talking about love languages, and
Speaker 1: we were talking about communication and hugging.
Speaker 2: We're talking about.
Speaker 1: That book book by Gary chap and the five Love Languages,
Speaker 1: and you know, I was talking about how my mum's
Speaker 1: love language is definitely not hugging. And so I get
Speaker 1: the guy who doesn't love the spotlight up on stage
Speaker 1: and I demonstrate with him how my mum hugs right.
Speaker 1: He didn't want to be up there, it was, but
Speaker 1: he kind of, you know, he was a good sport.
Speaker 1: He went along and everyone's laughing and then we bullshit
Speaker 1: around and then an hour later, give or take, we're done.
Speaker 1: No notes, know anything got out, lots of good information,
Speaker 1: told stories, built rapport, asked questions, people got involved, a
Speaker 1: line of people. When I'd finished coming up to talk,
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And then the lady who hosted it,
Speaker 1: who was also great, like I said, she said to me,
Speaker 1: I do not have a clue how you do that?
Speaker 1: She goes, I was trying to look at where your
Speaker 1: notes were, like she was looking on the floor or whatever,
Speaker 1: like what is he like? What where are his notes?
Speaker 1: Where is his sheet? What is he working off?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: And it's it's just that for me that works, but
Speaker 1: for somebody else that would be the worst possible way
Speaker 1: to go. But when I'm when I have a rigid structure,
Speaker 1: when I've got like ten slides and I've got to
Speaker 1: go from slide one slide.
Speaker 2: Ten, oh, I'm a nightmare.
Speaker 1: I can't because I start talking about slide seven before
Speaker 1: I've even touched on it, and then and then I
Speaker 1: forget I've got a fucking PowerPoint and then.
Speaker 2: I've got to find my clicker and ah, I don't know,
Speaker 2: and like I'm back.
Speaker 3: At least it's a lot of fun for the audience.
Speaker 3: They can follow along.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, I mean, but I just think that,
Speaker 1: like what you said, when you increase knowledge, So my
Speaker 1: three things are knowledge, the more knowledge you have about
Speaker 1: whatever it is you do, obviously right, and then experience.
Speaker 1: However you can get the experience now whether or not
Speaker 1: it's speaking in front of groups or something else. And
Speaker 1: the other one is just immersion. And you know, like
Speaker 1: for the last six years. I had to say six years.
Speaker 1: But for me, my PhD is just been full immersion
Speaker 1: into this idea of you know, metacognition, theory of mind
Speaker 1: and meta perception and metaaccuracy. And because I've just been
Speaker 1: down this rabbit hole for six years. It's just this language.
Speaker 1: It's just this language that I now speak that I
Speaker 1: couldn't speak. It's just this knowledge that's hardwired. It's all
Speaker 1: this And so when I get up on stage, not
Speaker 1: because I'm smarter or better, but I just know that
Speaker 1: there's absolutely nobody in the room who knows two percent
Speaker 1: of what I know about this topic. So obviously that
Speaker 1: brings confidence, you know.
Speaker 2: So I think.
Speaker 1: Knowing what knowing your knowing your topic or whatever it is,
Speaker 1: or understanding the role that you need to play and
Speaker 1: how to do that like that, that's probably the key
Speaker 1: to confidence.
Speaker 2: In a way.
Speaker 3: I think that's what. And I'm not suggesting and I
Speaker 3: know you're not suggesting that you don't need to develop
Speaker 3: skills to be good on stage.
Speaker 2: You absolutely do.
Speaker 3: And there are frameworks and you know, we could talk
Speaker 3: about some of that. It's not like I know, for me,
Speaker 3: it's not like I walk up and I have no
Speaker 3: idea what I'm going to say, and then I'm so smart. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it all just appears in my brain. No, it doesn't
Speaker 3: work like that. Yeah, my brain has quite a few challenges.
Speaker 3: There's no owner's manual, let's put it that way. But
Speaker 3: I have always created frameworks that help guide you through.
Speaker 3: But one of the things that I was alluding to
Speaker 3: early with confidence is when you're like, oh my god,
Speaker 3: I can never do It's about the presentation. It's about you.
Speaker 3: It's about how you're going to be perceived. It's about
Speaker 3: how you're going to perform, rather than the other person.
Speaker 3: Like you're listening to this right now, imagine that someone
Speaker 3: who you really love you get a call from them
Speaker 3: and it's like their partner like stole old their jewelry
Speaker 3: and hawked it and I don't know, burnt half the
Speaker 3: house down whilst they were having an affair. And it's like,
Speaker 3: oh god, I really want to go and talk to them.
Speaker 3: But the things that I'm going to say, I remember
Speaker 3: the last time, like when we were younger, I said, hey,
Speaker 3: that guy, that girl's no good for you. Really, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, it almost ended the friendship. And I'm so
Speaker 3: anxious and you're gonna go there and you're gonna stutter
Speaker 3: through all that, and you're in the car and you're
Speaker 3: going to meet that person at a coffee shop because
Speaker 3: your friend really needs you. And you show up the
Speaker 3: coffee shop and you are feeling like you're gonna throw up.
Speaker 3: You don't know what you're gonna say, if you're going
Speaker 3: to say anything at all, And then you look at
Speaker 3: him or you look at her. They've got tears in
Speaker 3: their eyes, running down their face, and you're overwhelmed with
Speaker 3: this incredible love and care for the person across from you,
Speaker 3: and you can't see or feel anything other than what's
Speaker 3: being generated by that relationship that person, what it means
Speaker 3: to you, what's the difference in that conversation. It might
Speaker 3: not be comfortable, it might not be smooth, but you're
Speaker 3: going to say the right thing to the right person
Speaker 3: at the right time, in the right way in that context.
Speaker 3: Because what is driving the ability that you have to
Speaker 3: masterfully communicate in ways that you have masterfully communicated at
Speaker 3: so many times, if you're honest about tracing back all
Speaker 3: of those moments in life, what's channeling that is the
Speaker 3: emotion and what that relationship represents That's why originating attention
Speaker 3: is so important. Who are the people need the audience?
Speaker 3: What do you care most about? What do they represent today?
Speaker 3: When I was coaching, one of the things that helped
Speaker 3: is my cohort of coaches are all amazing people. And
Speaker 3: when I'm looking at a screen at this woman that
Speaker 3: is my client for this session, she is I remember
Speaker 3: the times where she spoke to me and she was insightful,
Speaker 3: she was completely charismatic, compassionate, and she brings her whole self,
Speaker 3: And I'm like, this woman is important to I almost
Speaker 3: sent her name earlier. This woman is important to me.
Speaker 3: So every word that was coming out of romances, It's like, oh,
Speaker 3: what's the what's the rate tape of reflection? You know,
Speaker 3: is it normal? Is it amplified? Am I reflecting simplistically? Emotionally?
Speaker 3: Am I reflecting? Need? None of that shit mattered. I'm
Speaker 3: just going to show up for her And that cuts
Speaker 3: out a lot of the noise. Now, if you do that,
Speaker 3: you don't have the skills, you're screwed, right, But if
Speaker 3: you have the skills it and you're looking outwardly, it
Speaker 3: gets rid of a lot of the distraction in the background.
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, It's.
Speaker 1: Like I think, I think that you know, having that
Speaker 1: conversation versus or you know, when you're having those those
Speaker 1: meaningful exchanges with people in the moment versus what you
Speaker 1: thought you might do when you got there. Like I often,
Speaker 1: I'll go to meet someone and I think I know
Speaker 1: what I'm going to talk about it, what I'm going
Speaker 1: to say, or how I'm going to approach it, and
Speaker 1: then I get there and I'm like, Okay, plan because
Speaker 1: Plan A, B and C ain't gonna work.
Speaker 2: You know. I think that's that.
Speaker 1: That being able to read the room mate. Unfortunately, we've
Speaker 1: got to wind up because I've got to go and
Speaker 1: do something. I apologize, listens. I feel like we curtailed
Speaker 1: that a little bit, but we'll go for longer next week.
Speaker 1: Tell people how they can find you and listen to
Speaker 1: you and connect with you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm on Robert Capuccio dot com. Well, if they
Speaker 3: don't renew the website, I'm not going to be on
Speaker 3: there much longer. Thanks for reminding me, and so ant
Speaker 3: do com and every Thursday or Friday or so, he'll
Speaker 3: be here at the uprogra here next week.
Speaker 1: In fact, other than TIF, you are probably the human
Speaker 1: in the world that's done the most episodes of this show.
Speaker 1: You definitely done the most episode, so you're pretty much
Speaker 1: a co host by now.
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have then where's were in need? I should
Speaker 3: get a beanie if that's the case, right, Like you're
Speaker 3: like the number one most frequent guest, I should have
Speaker 3: at least a beanie.
Speaker 2: Do you really not have a U Project beanie?
Speaker 3: I don't want to have a U Project beanie. Why
Speaker 3: would I ask for another one? Do you think I'm
Speaker 3: hoarding these things? Some type of project?
Speaker 1: Will I will talk to Melissa today. I'll talk to
Speaker 1: Melissa today and she will send you one. Well, it's
Speaker 1: Friday afternoon, so probably not today but soon, and knowing
Speaker 1: Australia Post, you'll get that about mid next year.
Speaker 2: So enjoy that.
Speaker 3: I'll just swing by and pick it up.
Speaker 1: All right, buddy, I'll talk to you off there, but
Speaker 1: thanks again mate.
Speaker 3: Thanks everyone,