Speaker 1: The public has had a long held fascination with detectives.
Speaker 1: Detective see a side of life the average persons never
Speaker 1: exposed her. I spent thirty four years as a cop.
Speaker 1: For twenty five of those years I was catching killers.
Speaker 1: That's what I did for a living. I was a
Speaker 1: homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead,
Speaker 1: I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated.
Speaker 1: The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories
Speaker 1: from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw
Speaker 1: and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some
Speaker 1: of the content and language might be confronting. That's because
Speaker 1: no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged.
Speaker 1: Join me now as I take you into this world. Today,
Speaker 1: I spoke to Kate Derouge. Kate has experienced the highs
Speaker 1: and lows of life. In two thousand and five, she
Speaker 1: was the winner of the hit reality series Australian Idol
Speaker 1: and then went on to be a member of the
Speaker 1: Young Divers musical group. We spoke about that period of
Speaker 1: her life, but we also delved into a dark place.
Speaker 1: Kate told me about her seven year addiction to ice,
Speaker 1: living in a drug den with ten other people, being
Speaker 1: attacked by a partner with a machete in a drug
Speaker 1: fueled rage, and her numerous arrests. In fact, there was
Speaker 1: not a lot we didn't talk about. Kate was very open.
Speaker 1: Kate also spoke about being body shamed on National TV
Speaker 1: by Kyle Sandlan's and the impact that that had on her.
Speaker 1: She also spoke about her road to recovery and what
Speaker 1: she now finds important in life. Kate's story shows that
Speaker 1: life can go off the rails even if you are
Speaker 1: surrounded by good people. It also shows there is a
Speaker 1: way back. Have her listened to her story, Kate Derouge,
Speaker 1: thank you for coming on I Catch Killers.
Speaker 2: No worries Garth, thanks for having me. It's a bit
Speaker 2: of a random one for me, but I like it.
Speaker 2: I'm excited for what we're going to chat about.
Speaker 1: Well, I should have thought about the name of the
Speaker 1: podcast before we started rolling with I Catch Killers, because
Speaker 1: everyone looks a little bit suspicious. They ye get an
Speaker 1: invite onto that. Okay, tell me, have you ever killed anyone?
Speaker 1: Did you say?
Speaker 3: But recently? Not recently?
Speaker 1: So we're good, all right, Okay. I tried to get
Speaker 1: that one that would make a great viewing if I
Speaker 1: could get a confession Confession Life. Hey, it is a
Speaker 1: true crime podcast, but we've had so many people on
Speaker 1: the podcast that their life has gone off track because
Speaker 1: of drugs and just in prepping for the podcast Heroes
Speaker 1: having a look at the figures and they're a couple
Speaker 1: of years old. But I think it would pretty much
Speaker 1: be the same that in New South Wales I'm talking here.
Speaker 1: I think it's fifty six percent of male prisoners have
Speaker 1: been involved with heavy drugs, you know, the cocaine and
Speaker 1: the ice a heroin before they did their term in jail.
Speaker 1: And in femals, I think it was up to seventy
Speaker 1: six percent that drugs have steered people away. So true
Speaker 1: crime podcasts, but drugs do play a big part in
Speaker 1: that world, I think so.
Speaker 2: And you know, I actually interviewed myself recently the ex
Speaker 2: governor of the prison system here in Victoria, and I
Speaker 2: asked her that question. I was like, how many people
Speaker 2: that come into the prison system do you think are
Speaker 2: driven by drugs and mental health or crime?
Speaker 1: First?
Speaker 3: Like what comes first? The chicken or the egg?
Speaker 2: And I can't remember the exact percentages that she gave me,
Speaker 2: but like she said, majority of them are driven by
Speaker 2: some kind of drug related offense or mental health that's
Speaker 2: landed them there, and.
Speaker 1: Quite often a combination of the two, which is a
Speaker 1: terrible cocktail. I've found with people that have got into
Speaker 1: drugs where it's impacted on their life, invariably it starts.
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of people say, well, that's for
Speaker 1: the other guys to get addicted. I can just put
Speaker 1: my toe in the water and I'll be fine. I
Speaker 1: can pull out whenever I want to, and before they
Speaker 1: realize that they've got an addiction problem. The others seem
Speaker 1: to be ones that are running away from something that's
Speaker 1: happened in their childhood, and the drugs are the escape
Speaker 1: from that. Would you you've got a sense of the world,
Speaker 1: Do you think that that's where people find themselves in.
Speaker 2: I've never met a true addict. And I say true
Speaker 2: addict because I think there's people that get addicted to
Speaker 2: drugs that are situational and I've met and that can
Speaker 2: put the drugs down after a little bit of help
Speaker 2: or a couple of weeks away, you know, or whatever
Speaker 2: it might be, and get on and live a relatively
Speaker 2: normal life that might be able to have a drink
Speaker 2: or whatever. And then there's what I call true addicts.
Speaker 2: And I believe I've been an addict since birth. I
Speaker 2: believe that my brain's wired a little bit differently, and
Speaker 2: I almost would say somewhat of an allergic reaction when
Speaker 2: substance has hit my system. But I've never met a
Speaker 2: true addict that wasn't running from something, that wasn't driven
Speaker 2: by trauma, you know, or had some kind of traumatic
Speaker 2: event that they you know, drugs became their solution and
Speaker 2: the way that they learned to manage their lives.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting how people find their way down that path.
Speaker 1: There was a quote in one of the many interviews
Speaker 1: that you've done, and I'll just read it out. It
Speaker 1: was back in two thousand and twenty three where you said,
Speaker 1: in the back of my mind, it was a story
Speaker 1: I told myself, I'm not an addict. I don't end
Speaker 1: up in those places. I come from a good home.
Speaker 1: But this shit doesn't give a fuck who you are.
Speaker 1: It doesn't care where you came from, who your mummies
Speaker 1: or daddies are, or what school you went to.
Speaker 3: It doesn't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, true true words.
Speaker 3: It doesn't.
Speaker 2: It doesn't care like if it can get, you know,
Speaker 2: and I say this and I share this, and because
Speaker 2: you know, I think so many people have this incredible
Speaker 2: preconceived ideas that addicts come from broken homes and you know,
Speaker 2: all of these really dramatic, awful backgrounds.
Speaker 3: You know, but that wasn't that wasn't my case.
Speaker 2: Like, you know, I came from a home that on
Speaker 2: paper looked like I should have grown up to be
Speaker 2: really normal, happy, healthy, balanced person girl in the world.
Speaker 2: And that just didn't you know, addiction didn't care about
Speaker 2: any of that stuff, but just it just didn't. And
Speaker 2: you know, I've seen over the years people come from
Speaker 2: all kinds of professions.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: One of the biggest eye openers I remember, I was
Speaker 2: in rehabit I obviously won't use his name, but I
Speaker 2: was in reh had with this doctor and he was
Speaker 2: the most incredibly looking, smart human and on paper had
Speaker 2: absolutely everything that a person you think could want a
Speaker 2: need to be okay in this world. And he was
Speaker 2: the most traumatized, insecure, you know, addicted person that I'd
Speaker 2: ever met.
Speaker 3: And it was such an eye opener for me. Addiction
Speaker 3: it doesn't it just doesn't care.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't discriminate. Also, The fact is that people
Speaker 1: can function with it for a while before it catches
Speaker 1: them out, and by the time it's caught them out,
Speaker 1: their life's invariably fallen aparto.
Speaker 3: Gone to ship.
Speaker 2: By the time most people realize they're in strife, it's
Speaker 2: too late, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: People always say to me, why did you touch Ice?
Speaker 3: Why did you pick up eyes? You knew what would happen.
Speaker 2: It's like, yeah, maybe, but like by the time I'd
Speaker 2: got to that point, it was too late. Like I
Speaker 2: was well and truly on my path of addiction, and
Speaker 2: I would have picked up anything that would have soothed
Speaker 2: and taken away that pain that I was feeling at
Speaker 2: that time.
Speaker 3: It wouldn't have mattered what it was. But you know,
Speaker 3: Ice was just the one that brought me to my knees.
Speaker 2: So by the time I got to that, like logic
Speaker 2: thinking and all of that sane processing that people that
Speaker 2: aren't on drugs do, was well and truly gone.
Speaker 1: Out the door gone. You talk about your childhood, where
Speaker 1: did you grow up?
Speaker 2: So I grew up in Bendigo, you know, in a
Speaker 2: house with a mom and dad, brother, sister, a beautiful
Speaker 2: extended family. You know, grandparents, all of that really beautiful stuff,
Speaker 2: you know, just it was filled with love. There was
Speaker 2: you know, my parents were still you know, up together
Speaker 2: until my mum left us. And you know, so I
Speaker 2: came from that kind of home. You know, we weren't
Speaker 2: rich or anything crazy like that, but my parents were
Speaker 2: incredible humans that worked really hard to make sure that
Speaker 2: you know, we as kids never went without and that
Speaker 2: we had everything that we needed. But yeah, I just
Speaker 2: I share this a lot. I just always remember having
Speaker 2: this sense of being a square peg in a round hole.
Speaker 3: Just something was always not right for me.
Speaker 1: And break that down, what's that look like you're looking
Speaker 1: for something that other people seemed satisfied or you were
Speaker 1: looking for something that.
Speaker 2: I just always and up until I guess I got
Speaker 2: recovery nearly eight years ago, I don't remember a time
Speaker 2: where I just didn't have this sense of I guess
Speaker 2: the best way to like impending doom, like something terrible
Speaker 2: was going to happen. Like I just lived in this
Speaker 2: state of fear and anxiety and that me Kate, little
Speaker 2: Kate as a five year old just wasn't right in
Speaker 2: her body and she needed to be somebody else to
Speaker 2: be okay.
Speaker 3: And to be loved and to be accepted.
Speaker 2: And I couldn't tell you where that came from, or
Speaker 2: where or the reasoning for that thinking that was just
Speaker 2: my reality and my addictive behavior. And this surprises a
Speaker 2: lot of people showed up way before drugs, way before drugs.
Speaker 3: It just didn't.
Speaker 2: It's just not as big and as scary and as
Speaker 2: dangerous as the words drugs. But like I used to
Speaker 2: use food in a really unhealthy, unmanageable way from like
Speaker 2: five year old. I used to steal it and lie
Speaker 2: and hide it needed in secret, in a shameful kind
Speaker 2: of way. And I guess as I grew up, those
Speaker 2: behaviors changed and shifted, you know, and that you know,
Speaker 2: as I got a bit older, it moved into latter
Speaker 2: real lot. But I've never done anything in that's not
Speaker 2: full on, you know. I've always done it to extremes,
Speaker 2: whether that be relationships. You know, I'll meet a guy
Speaker 2: or used to and you've calmed down now. But I'd
Speaker 2: meet somebody and you know, I'd be mad within the
Speaker 2: first week, you know, would be amazingly in love and
Speaker 2: he'd be the most toxic human.
Speaker 3: That ever lived in the world. But we were moving
Speaker 3: in and.
Speaker 2: You know, it's just everything was always so intense for me,
Speaker 2: and eventually, I guess when I ran into drugs after idol,
Speaker 2: that was the perfect storm.
Speaker 1: Okay, So it's sort of you have that personality trade
Speaker 1: that was in your DNA that you were going to commit.
Speaker 1: You just weren't sure.
Speaker 3: If I was on yeah, I was on yeah.
Speaker 1: And look, that way of living life is an interesting
Speaker 1: way of living life. And some people navigate their way
Speaker 1: through life with that type of drive that yeah, they
Speaker 1: chase it and they commit one hundred you know, one
Speaker 1: hundred percent. A lot of those people are very successful.
Speaker 1: But it's just a cautionary tail, isn't it If that
Speaker 1: if that drive is pointed in the wrong direction? All
Speaker 1: help and break list.
Speaker 2: My dad always used to say to me, if you say, Katy,
Speaker 2: if you could put ten percent of the effort that
Speaker 2: you put into using drugs into your life, you would
Speaker 2: be an incredibly successful human. And he was right, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean, He's all right, Like if just
Speaker 2: once I committed to something and I was lost in it,
Speaker 2: there was really no stopping me.
Speaker 1: Okay, music, when did that become your become your passion?
Speaker 3: Always? I grew up around music.
Speaker 2: My granddad was an incredible singer, incredible tenor you know,
Speaker 2: he was offered to travel the world with the Pavrotti's
Speaker 2: and those kinds of singers, but he had he had
Speaker 2: he had five babies at home and he chose to
Speaker 2: stay home.
Speaker 3: He was that kind of guy. And yeah, my house
Speaker 3: was just always filled with music.
Speaker 2: You know, all my uncles and my dad played guitar
Speaker 2: and singing and it was just something that was always
Speaker 2: just a part of my world.
Speaker 1: Right. You went on Australian Idol at eighteen, and this
Speaker 1: is a man sitting here saying I would get terrified
Speaker 1: if I had to do karaoke at two am and
Speaker 1: a drunken bar. What where did you get the confidence
Speaker 1: to at eighteen? Because I've watched the show and when
Speaker 1: you won it in two thousand and five, it was big.
Speaker 1: It was before all the PATV and everything else subscribers
Speaker 1: and that Australian Idol was watched by everyone was talking
Speaker 1: about it the next day. What made you think, who
Speaker 1: encouraged you or what drove you to even have a
Speaker 1: shot at something like that.
Speaker 2: I guess it was just it was something that I
Speaker 2: was good at and it's taken me a lot of
Speaker 2: years to be able to say that, and I still
Speaker 2: stumble over those words. But it was something that I
Speaker 2: was good at, and it just felt like the natural,
Speaker 2: Like my family encouraged me, my singing teacher encouraged me,
Speaker 2: like everybody sort of encouraged me to just go and
Speaker 2: give this show ago and I auditioned two years before that,
Speaker 2: both years before or I won. Yeah, and didn't get
Speaker 2: through the front door. But yeah, I just was something
Speaker 2: that everybody sort of said that I should do. I
Speaker 2: was petrified, yeah the whole time. But yeah, I just
Speaker 2: kept I just kept turning up and doing it. But yeah,
Speaker 2: it was I guess it just felt like I didn't
Speaker 2: I wasn't very good at anything else, Like I wasn't
Speaker 2: good at school. I was never gonna, you know, graduate
Speaker 2: with honors or anything like.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 2: Was the only thing that I was really good at
Speaker 2: and that I felt comfortable to a degree doing and
Speaker 2: that people took me serious for was music.
Speaker 3: So I just kind of felt like the thing to do.
Speaker 1: Right. You had that confidence from the people around you,
Speaker 1: and you knew that you had had a skill set there. Okay,
Speaker 1: you were knocked back for the first two auditions. I
Speaker 1: would imagine that attacks your self esteem to a degree too.
Speaker 1: You roll up there, you think everyone around you has
Speaker 1: been telling you you're great, you could win this, and
Speaker 1: you rock up and they got.
Speaker 3: Hyeah, no no deal. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And I was sixteen the first time I auditioned, so
Speaker 2: you know, pretty vulnerable. But yeah, you know what, to
Speaker 2: be totally honest, I don't remember those times a lot.
Speaker 2: I as I said to you earlier, like I spent
Speaker 2: so much on my childhood and so much of those
Speaker 2: teenage years just so disgustingly uncomfortable in my skin and
Speaker 2: just riddled with so much anxiety that I almost felt
Speaker 2: like I lived in a disassociated state from myself. I
Speaker 2: would just go through the motions and do things and
Speaker 2: turn up obviously I was there, but I don't have
Speaker 2: many core memories of that stuff. Like I can tell
Speaker 2: you that I was on Australian Idol, and I can
Speaker 2: tell you that I won, and I can tell you
Speaker 2: that I've done lots of incredible things, but I don't
Speaker 2: necessarily remember it. And that's a really it saddens me
Speaker 2: to say that, but yeah, I just they're not memories
Speaker 2: that I that I have, Right.
Speaker 1: Is that because of what you've been through and that
Speaker 1: I suppose you shuffle your memories along and you've seen
Speaker 1: a lot more extreme since then. Is it? Where have
Speaker 1: you lost those memories? Because I I think, like you
Speaker 1: look back at they were formative years as a teenager
Speaker 1: and yeah, stepping into adulthood and you know what that
Speaker 1: journey you went on when you won Australian idol at eighteen,
Speaker 1: that was an incredible journey.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, I've done all kinds of wonderful
Speaker 2: things since then, Like I you know, I got to
Speaker 2: travel through Europe with my family and we talk about
Speaker 2: it all the time and they go, do you remember this?
Speaker 2: And I say that I have no recollection of that,
Speaker 2: and I do put it down to maybe partially the
Speaker 2: abuse to my brain over the years, partially that and
Speaker 2: also just as you know, that fight or flight instinct
Speaker 2: as a young person, that I just was so like
Speaker 2: this all the time, that I was just existing as
Speaker 2: opposed to being present right in the world.
Speaker 1: And you said you weren't comfortable with yourself at the time.
Speaker 1: What was that about? Where was that coming from? Look?
Speaker 2: You know, I guess I grew up in those early
Speaker 2: two thousands where women's bodies were really judged, and it
Speaker 2: was okay to say what was reminiscing actually just yesterday
Speaker 2: about the Biggest Loser and the way it was okay
Speaker 2: to treat those people like the people and contestants on
Speaker 2: those shows, and it was just so disgusting. And you know,
Speaker 2: we were taught to believe that that heroin chic tiny
Speaker 2: little bodies was what perceived to be beautiful, and if
Speaker 2: you weren't that, you were no one. And I wasn't that,
Speaker 2: especially within the industry that I was trying to step into.
Speaker 3: You know, it was so.
Speaker 2: Important, and it was every bit, if not more important
Speaker 2: that you would look a certain way that you could sing.
Speaker 3: You know, it was it was such a big deal.
Speaker 2: And I grabbed onto that messaging and that storyline and
Speaker 2: it just became my core belief, you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: I just really truly believed if I didn't look a
Speaker 2: certain way, then I was I wasn't enough. And you know,
Speaker 2: I guess that got confirmed for me in the industry.
Speaker 2: And look, I don't blame anybody for that. It's just
Speaker 2: the way it was.
Speaker 3: And it happened to hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of
Speaker 3: other people you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: But there were certain situations that happened in that time
Speaker 2: that just continued to confirm that belief system for me.
Speaker 2: So yeah, but you know, even from a little girl
Speaker 2: in school, I remember there was that popular group of
Speaker 2: girls that.
Speaker 3: Were at school and I just always looked at them.
Speaker 2: I was like, Oh, if I could just look like
Speaker 2: them and be like them and exist with them, then
Speaker 2: I'd be okay in the world.
Speaker 3: So it's just alert behavior.
Speaker 1: And it can be cruel, can't it. Those childhoods and
Speaker 1: one of being in with the cool gang, and yeah,
Speaker 1: it can be cruel. Okay. So when take you back
Speaker 1: two thousand and five, you auditioned for Australian Idol and
Speaker 1: you got all the way through. Take us back to
Speaker 1: those times, because your life changed dramatically from that moment
Speaker 1: you became a well i'd say an over night celebrity.
Speaker 1: But I know you've done a lot of work up
Speaker 1: to it. But what was the process of applying and
Speaker 1: then what did you have to do? Well?
Speaker 2: I guess the first step was you had to turn
Speaker 2: up an audition with the thousands and there's no judges there,
Speaker 2: there's just producers behind the scenes.
Speaker 3: You go in.
Speaker 2: You sing a song, there's yes or no, pretty easy,
Speaker 2: as simple as that. You go through that process, and
Speaker 2: then if you get past that first big day, they
Speaker 2: take you on to the next stage, which is singing
Speaker 2: in front of the judges, which was the stage in
Speaker 2: the previous years that I'd never got past. When I
Speaker 2: got in front of the judges, the judges said get
Speaker 2: out okay. But this third year, yeah, it was a
Speaker 2: different It was a different setup.
Speaker 3: It was the judges had changed.
Speaker 2: It went from Dicko to Kyle Yep and yeah, then
Speaker 2: I got through, and then I just kept getting through.
Speaker 2: I just kept going to the next stage, turning up,
Speaker 2: thinking oh this will be like, this will shortly be
Speaker 2: the end.
Speaker 3: I'll be going home now. And I just just kept
Speaker 3: getting through.
Speaker 1: So when the show, whatever night that was played on
Speaker 1: and you're performing, then the next day people would have
Speaker 1: been interested in you. Did you realize your life was
Speaker 1: changing the further you went up in the competition?
Speaker 2: I mean, yes, life had definitely changed. You know what,
Speaker 2: once I got into that top twelve, you really locked well,
Speaker 2: I was really locked up in a bubble. And again,
Speaker 2: it wasn't social media wasn't a thing there wasn't TikTok
Speaker 2: and Instagram and followers and any of that stuff. So
Speaker 2: I guess I had no concept of what was happening
Speaker 2: outside of this little bubble that I lived in, which
Speaker 2: was basically a house with twelve people, from the house
Speaker 2: to the studio to the house to the studio until
Speaker 2: I went a bit further down and we would go
Speaker 2: into like shopping centers and back when shopping center performances
Speaker 2: and appearances were really a big thing, and then all
Speaker 2: of a sudden there were.
Speaker 3: These groups of like lots of people turning up. But yeah,
Speaker 3: like I guess it was.
Speaker 2: I didn't realize the magnitude of what was going on
Speaker 2: out there until it was over and you get you know,
Speaker 2: when the winner is k de Rouge and then his
Speaker 2: manager comes out and sort of takes you off, and
Speaker 2: you go through this whirlwind of interviews and then you
Speaker 2: sort of out on the street in the real world,
Speaker 2: and you know, and I feel a bit of saying this,
Speaker 2: but like everybody knew my name, and it was very bizarre,
Speaker 2: and not everybody knew my name in a good way.
Speaker 2: It was a really divided like some people on the
Speaker 2: street like yeah, ok, D hooray.
Speaker 3: And then other people like screw you shouldn't have won
Speaker 3: your shit. So it was it's as lot as an
Speaker 3: eighteen year old kid to I guess walk into.
Speaker 1: I was going to say, that is so much to take,
Speaker 1: like any profile or public profile if you appear in media,
Speaker 1: and I spent years in the in the police, fronting
Speaker 1: up to media conferences, and it's intimidating in for someone
Speaker 1: that's you know, a lot older than eighteen, as an
Speaker 1: eighteen year old and then rocking up to do interviews
Speaker 1: and all that. I would imagine and maybe maybe you didn't,
Speaker 1: but you'd feel like a bit of an imposter syndrome
Speaker 1: too in that environment and what's all this attention about me?
Speaker 1: Do they actually know who I am?
Speaker 2: And I would get this feeling, and again that feeling
Speaker 2: of you know, carried through with me all the time.
Speaker 2: I'd be like imposter syndrome, Like one day someone I'm
Speaker 2: going to wake up here and someone's going to come
Speaker 2: in and be like, sorry, we've made a terrible mistake.
Speaker 2: You could just pop off back to Bendigo where you
Speaker 2: you know, just and obviously that never happened, but that
Speaker 2: was the feeling all the time. And there wasn't years
Speaker 2: of practice or years of knowledge. And I was just
Speaker 2: a country kid from Bendigo.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: I liked wearing tracksuit pants and baggy clothes and really
Speaker 2: didn't know anything about that. And I would I'd turn
Speaker 2: up to radio stations looking like I just rolled out
Speaker 2: of bed because I didn't know that there was anything.
Speaker 2: I didn't know I was meant to do it any
Speaker 2: other I was a terrible famous person.
Speaker 1: Gap the tracksuit nug boots didn't cover it.
Speaker 3: I was just terrible. No, I didn't know.
Speaker 2: Nobody mentioned to me, I've got to get up at
Speaker 2: four thirty and go to this radio station where no
Speaker 2: one can see you, but I need you to look
Speaker 2: a million dollars Like nobody mentioned that stuff to me. Hindsight,
Speaker 2: it's probably common sense, but you know, I was just
Speaker 2: continued to be the cake that I'd always been.
Speaker 3: And so yeah, the truth was I probably wasn't. I
Speaker 3: wasn't very good at being famous.
Speaker 1: It weren't ready for at the time. Did you have
Speaker 1: people around you advising you and all that, like people
Speaker 1: that all? Was it that you just caught up in
Speaker 1: this cocktail of people go out and want you hear
Speaker 1: want you there, and did you have anyone actually looking
Speaker 1: out for your interests that was giving you some sage
Speaker 1: advice time?
Speaker 2: No, no, not back then it was just these you know,
Speaker 2: there was a management, a record label and an agent
Speaker 2: and they just you just think.
Speaker 3: I think it was very much sincos. We didn't work
Speaker 3: it out and do it or you know, get out
Speaker 3: of here.
Speaker 1: You you didn't even get through the show about controversy
Speaker 1: because you know, you talked about body image and that
Speaker 1: and Kyle Sandlan's managed to put his big foot in
Speaker 1: it and that. Yeah, that's not the type of publicity
Speaker 1: you want to be caught up in that age as well.
Speaker 1: Tell us what happened there and how do you handled that? Well?
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean by that point I'd already pretty much
Speaker 2: cemented for myself that you know, I was not attractive
Speaker 2: and that kind of stuff, and that I should have
Speaker 2: felt shame about my body. But you know, I went
Speaker 2: exactly the way you would imagine it to an eighteen
Speaker 2: year old girl standing on national television and some do
Speaker 2: telling you to cover up your body.
Speaker 3: Like it didn't It didn't feel good.
Speaker 2: But also yeah, for some reason, it just was water
Speaker 2: off a ducks back by that point because it was like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 2: I know that you tell me something I don't know,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it was probably a
Speaker 2: lot more horrific in the moment for everybody else than
Speaker 2: it was for me. But I guess if I could
Speaker 2: go back and talk to Kate of eighteen year eighteen
Speaker 2: years old, I'd probably give her a bit of a
Speaker 2: hug there.
Speaker 3: She probably needed one. But you know, and this is
Speaker 3: the bit that's shocking.
Speaker 2: It's TVCV, right, So you know, I got off stage
Speaker 2: and went the show finished that night and Kyle came up.
Speaker 2: He said, oh, sorry about that comment, but you're saying
Speaker 2: a bit like shit. So I just needed I just
Speaker 2: wanted to get you the sympathy.
Speaker 3: Vote, you know what I mean. So it didn't mean
Speaker 3: what it didn't mean for him what it meant to
Speaker 3: the rest to everyone else.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, but it was just another layer of controversy.
Speaker 1: You're finding stardom and you don't want to say it,
Speaker 1: but I'll say it, like that brought your stardom for
Speaker 1: that age that time. Winning a show like that, you're
Speaker 1: going to be recognized on the street. People are going
Speaker 1: to be taking pictures of you. People will come up
Speaker 1: and asked it if they could get a picture of
Speaker 1: you type of thing. How did your process that? Did
Speaker 1: you enjoy it? Yeah? I did?
Speaker 2: Look I enjoyed it when I did, you know what,
Speaker 2: I did enjoy it. And it was nice to feel important,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I'd wanted that feeling my
Speaker 2: whole life. I always, you know, thought if I was
Speaker 2: popular and cool that I'd be okay. And I guess
Speaker 2: being thrown out into that world kind.
Speaker 3: Of gave me that in a way.
Speaker 2: So yeah, of course, when people are coming up to
Speaker 2: you on the street asking for pictures and signatures, it's
Speaker 2: like I'd be lying if I didn't say it felt good.
Speaker 1: Right, So tell us the good times from there. So
Speaker 1: what happens after you when a show like that? How
Speaker 1: did your life change for you?
Speaker 2: I changed in the you know, change in every single way.
Speaker 2: You know, I became a household name, you know. I
Speaker 2: everything looked different, you know. I was traveling all over
Speaker 2: Australia doing all kinds of things. I was doing stuff
Speaker 2: that little girls still dream about, you know, looking in
Speaker 2: the marrassing and into their hairbrush.
Speaker 1: I was doing it.
Speaker 3: I was living it, and you know, I.
Speaker 2: Was singing at AFL Grand Finals and all of these,
Speaker 2: you know, tens of thousands of people and in front
Speaker 2: of you know, people often ask me, especially after where
Speaker 2: life went from there when it wasn't so good, they
Speaker 2: always go, oh, do you regret it?
Speaker 3: And would you take it back if you could? And
Speaker 3: it's absolutely not. Like it was the stuff that dreams
Speaker 3: are made of. I got to live.
Speaker 2: I got to live the dream and make film clips
Speaker 2: and release songs and have number ones and win arias
Speaker 2: and rub shoulders with all the big important I call
Speaker 2: them real famous people, like people that took ages to
Speaker 2: get famous, you know, like those.
Speaker 3: Kinds of people that I grew up watching or that
Speaker 3: I grew up listening to. I got to be a
Speaker 3: part of all that, and I wouldn't give that back
Speaker 3: for the world.
Speaker 1: Did the highs that you get performing I would imagine
Speaker 1: in front of a crowd and hanging on watching your performance,
Speaker 1: coming to see you, and that you walk off stage,
Speaker 1: what do you have? Hang on to the high for
Speaker 1: a bit, and then you hit hit loads. You're trying
Speaker 1: to chase that the whole time.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, I.
Speaker 2: Guess, you know, if I'm to be totally honest, I
Speaker 2: guess I got introduced to drugs pretty quickly after that.
Speaker 2: That was when that all sort of those two worlds collided.
Speaker 2: So I was chasing highs, yes, from the performances, and
Speaker 2: I did enjoy them. I and I you know, would
Speaker 2: come off stage and be present, I guess with the
Speaker 2: band or whoever was around at the time, But you know,
Speaker 2: I started chasing other things pretty quickly because there's an energy.
Speaker 1: I would imagine you come off stage with an energy,
Speaker 1: and I never like I look at the world renowned
Speaker 1: rock stars and think, how do they come down from
Speaker 1: performing in front of one hundred thousand people when the
Speaker 1: whole energy is hinging all everything they say, do move
Speaker 1: and that? How do they come down? And when yeah,
Speaker 1: drugs permeate into that world, I saw the go I
Speaker 1: get it, they're looking looking for a high after that,
Speaker 1: How do you match that high or even to come
Speaker 1: down one or the other?
Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent, And that was the next That
Speaker 2: was the only thing that felt better than drugs during
Speaker 2: that time was being on stage.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And that was the only thing that matched that feeling.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when did you when did your first partake in
Speaker 1: illegal drugs? At what stage? Ah? What did I?
Speaker 3: I one idol in the November, probably within six months,
Speaker 3: maybe three months.
Speaker 1: Right, and drugs wasn't a part of your life up
Speaker 1: to that point.
Speaker 2: I think I'd done ecstasy once, but I was scared
Speaker 2: of drugs. And I always knew to be scared of drugs,
Speaker 2: you know. I always had that, and you know, different
Speaker 2: to what it is now. There's drugs absolutely everywhere and
Speaker 2: it's terrifying. I'm terrified for my own kids. But there
Speaker 2: weren't drugs at school or any of that stuff in
Speaker 2: Bendigo when I was there. You might have the occasional
Speaker 2: about smoke and a joint, but that was a big deal. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And look, I drank a few times and always did
Speaker 2: it to excess every time. You know, the first time
Speaker 2: I drank, I drank a bottle of bourbon and vomited
Speaker 2: on myself and cheated on my boyfriend.
Speaker 3: Like that's just who I am. As I said, I
Speaker 3: just do it all extreme, But I didn't mean I
Speaker 3: didn't meet drugs, I guess until after idle and the
Speaker 3: first thing I was introduced was cocaine.
Speaker 2: And cocaine is I think, and I'm pretty sure it's
Speaker 2: not changed. Is no different in many industries and worlds,
Speaker 2: especially that corporate world as being handed to beer.
Speaker 1: It's not shocking the corporate world, so many worlds that
Speaker 1: cocaine is just you're not judged that. Yeah, it's what
Speaker 1: happens at the dinner party, what happens at the function,
Speaker 1: what happens in the bathroom. Yeah, there's no social stigma
Speaker 1: to it. You would have had the usual warnings growing
Speaker 1: up from your parents and the narrative just don't touch drugs.
Speaker 1: Of course, you're eighteen, you've reached a high point in
Speaker 1: your career, short career at that stage, but you've reached
Speaker 1: some dizzy heights, and was anyone trying to walk you
Speaker 1: of the cautionary tale of just be careful, you know,
Speaker 1: if you dabble in this, it might lead to that.
Speaker 2: Look, my parents, of course, had always given me those warnings,
Speaker 2: and you know, I knew drugs are bad and all
Speaker 2: of that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3: But I guess they were naive too in many ways.
Speaker 2: They wouldn't have had an idea that there would have
Speaker 2: been the amount of cocaine floating around at most events
Speaker 2: or most situations.
Speaker 3: I would find myself into the degree that it was,
Speaker 3: And I guess probably and.
Speaker 2: One of my big one of my big regrets of
Speaker 2: that time is that I'm really lucky with the family
Speaker 2: that I have and I we're all very close and
Speaker 2: was still very close, and for whatever reason, I pushed
Speaker 2: them away through that time.
Speaker 3: You know, I leant towards all of these people that
Speaker 3: I've known for thirty seconds and put my life and
Speaker 3: my trust in them rather than the people that I
Speaker 3: knew that I could trust. So yeah, I was just
Speaker 3: living life.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I was just like I am I am something here
Speaker 2: and I'm hanging out with all of these people. And
Speaker 2: you know, the first time that I tried cocaine, you know,
Speaker 2: I didn't just have one line, you know, I had
Speaker 2: it and I was like, what is this stuff? And
Speaker 2: where do we get more?
Speaker 3: And this is what this is what I talk about
Speaker 3: with that addiction stuff.
Speaker 2: It's like there were one hundred other people there that day,
Speaker 2: and however, many of those people took drugs, but not
Speaker 2: everybody had the same reaction to them that I did,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean?
Speaker 3: And that was instant obsession with what I was doing.
Speaker 2: And I knew where that bag was until it was gone,
Speaker 2: and when it was gone, my anxiety was instantly through
Speaker 2: the roof of like, well, where are we getting more?
Speaker 1: You've got the taste and you want the instant Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: How long did were you living the high life with that,
Speaker 1: dabbling in the in the cocaine, hanging out with the
Speaker 1: music industry types and touring? How long tell us through
Speaker 1: that period of your life.
Speaker 2: Look, I've got to continue having a pretty incredible career
Speaker 2: for a while, and I didn't necessarily use drugs every
Speaker 2: day from that day, but I certainly thought about them,
Speaker 2: and you know, I knew when they were going to.
Speaker 3: Be around me next.
Speaker 2: But you know, from there, I joined a girl group
Speaker 2: called the Young Divers, which were, you know, incredibly successful,
Speaker 2: and a whole other chapter of my career that was
Speaker 2: unbelievable and unforgettable. But as if I was to put
Speaker 2: it on a scale, for a really long time, I
Speaker 2: was able to be this keep face for a long
Speaker 2: time and do these drugs behind closed doors and keep
Speaker 2: it under wraps and be manageable. But slowly, as it
Speaker 2: always does, those scales started to tip and I started
Speaker 2: to become worse at being this person in the public eye,
Speaker 2: and I guess, you know, the holes started to show
Speaker 2: with the behaviors that I was doing, and that took
Speaker 2: probably three years.
Speaker 1: To be honest, tell us about the time with the
Speaker 1: young divas and the crew that you were touring with. There,
Speaker 1: that would have been a fun, fun, wild time, I
Speaker 1: would imagine.
Speaker 2: Look it was, and it was unexpected, you know, nobody
Speaker 2: expected it to do. It was only ever meant to
Speaker 2: be a single and some shows, I think from memory
Speaker 2: it was just meant to be really quick money making thing.
Speaker 3: And this time I know, it's for real, came out and.
Speaker 2: Everyone went wild and it just blew up and all
Speaker 2: the people that make all the money were wet their
Speaker 2: pants and they're like, oh my god, we've found.
Speaker 3: We're on with hit gold.
Speaker 2: And it went from what it was meant to be
Speaker 2: to two albums and however many shows we did, and
Speaker 2: you know, nobody ever wanted it to end, but obviously
Speaker 2: it did. But yeah, it was and again it was
Speaker 2: incredible that we were touring, We were selling out shows,
Speaker 2: we were so busy, we were learning songs on aeroplanes
Speaker 2: on the way to gigs. Yeah, it was an unbelievable
Speaker 2: time and another time in my life I wouldn't give
Speaker 2: back for the world.
Speaker 3: It was challenging.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would imagine who was in the who was
Speaker 1: in the band?
Speaker 2: First lineup was myself, Emily Williams, Paulini, and Ricky Lee,
Speaker 2: and then Ricky left after the first album, and then
Speaker 2: we got Jess Melboy came in. She'd just come off
Speaker 2: the next season of Vital Yeah, she was season four,
Speaker 2: I think little she was just a baby, and she
Speaker 2: stepped in for Ricky and we did another album and
Speaker 2: another tour and then it all sort of went from there.
Speaker 1: Did the money flow in from that? Did you make
Speaker 1: money from it?
Speaker 3: I should have made a lot of money from it, right.
Speaker 2: I've never really spoken about this in depth, and I
Speaker 2: have no reason not to, I guess these days, no
Speaker 2: one's ever asked me the question. But you know, we
Speaker 2: were not taking care of through that time. You know,
Speaker 2: we were getting paid a lot of money, but not
Speaker 2: seeing a lot of money. And I was doing gigs
Speaker 2: that now looking back, knowing that we're worth, you know,
Speaker 2: corporate gigs were worth one hundred thousand dollars at those times,
Speaker 2: and I think we were getting fifteen hundred bucks each
Speaker 2: And that's just the way it was.
Speaker 3: But we were so young and so inexperienced.
Speaker 2: I think that, you know, and I remember trying to
Speaker 2: confront management once or twice or however many times. You know,
Speaker 2: I grew up around a really smart businessman. My dad's
Speaker 2: an incredible businessman and done really well for himself, so
Speaker 2: I knew enough to know that things weren't right. And
Speaker 2: whenever I approached the subject of like, oh, can you
Speaker 2: just explain to me where this has gone or where
Speaker 2: that's gone, you know, it was always met with how
Speaker 2: ungrateful or or shut down in a major way.
Speaker 1: So it was, you know, yeah, and I'm not I'm
Speaker 1: not saying this is a case. Maybe it is, maybe
Speaker 1: it isn't. But you're very exploitable in that position, aren't you.
Speaker 1: Here you are, look the dangling you can perform here,
Speaker 1: perform there, forget the money, I'll do this for nothing.
Speaker 1: And then you and then you you look back and
Speaker 1: go where did all that money go?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Well, hang on a minute, wait a minue, where's
Speaker 3: all my money? And yeah, and look there was also
Speaker 3: that thing of and I don't know.
Speaker 2: If it's still the same with the shows these days,
Speaker 2: but they owned my ass for a long time, you know,
Speaker 2: like between my management there, record label, they were they
Speaker 2: owned me, They owned all.
Speaker 1: Of us and this is all contracts you're locked into and.
Speaker 3: That you know they there was it was do this,
Speaker 3: do it that way, or we'll put you, you know,
Speaker 3: forget about it. We can find other people.
Speaker 1: We can find another one. Did you think your life
Speaker 1: was set? Did you think, now you made it to
Speaker 1: that run, this is your future? Did you did you
Speaker 1: see your future as being a performer in the music industry?
Speaker 3: I think so.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I guess after that happened, I just I kept just
Speaker 2: rolling with what was happening. I never expected, well, I mean,
Speaker 2: I never expected it or all to fall apart the
Speaker 2: way that it did anyway, you know, that's not how
Speaker 2: I saw it happening. And I just kept I just
Speaker 2: thought there would just always be more work and always
Speaker 2: be more gigs, and I'd always be able to find more.
Speaker 2: But I guess as that other part of my life,
Speaker 2: that other beast took hold, my interest in it and
Speaker 2: my care for it also disappeared.
Speaker 1: Was there anyone that you came across in the industry
Speaker 1: that you saw the negative effects of drugs that had
Speaker 1: been taken down by dabbling in drugs? Something that you Yeah,
Speaker 1: there was a red flag for me. There's a warning
Speaker 1: sign and that person was at the top of the
Speaker 1: game and the drugs got hold of them. Did you
Speaker 1: see any of that in the time that you were touring.
Speaker 3: No, I never saw it. I never saw it firsthand.
Speaker 3: I guess I was probably the example at the time.
Speaker 2: No, Like you hear stories of you know, big rock
Speaker 2: stars and all those people from you know, back in
Speaker 2: the day that lost their way, But no, I'd never
Speaker 2: seen anybody really the way.
Speaker 3: As far as I could see, it was just what
Speaker 3: everybody did.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I have become good friends with him. Rick
Speaker 1: Grossman from the Vinyls and Hodoo Gurus, the bass player,
Speaker 1: and he got in the Heroin when he was in
Speaker 1: the the Vinyls, lost his position in the band there
Speaker 1: because it just became Yeah, he thought he was hiding it,
Speaker 1: but he wasn't actually hiding it and left the band
Speaker 1: and then got a second shot at it with the
Speaker 1: Hodoo Gurus and gone on from success to success there.
Speaker 1: But he was saying in conversations with him, how it
Speaker 1: creeps up on you. You think you've still got your
Speaker 1: shit together, it's all going well, no one knows, but yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm dabbling in this, but that grabs hold of you.
Speaker 3: I think I did, and I thought for a really,
Speaker 3: really long time that I would.
Speaker 2: I could stop if I wanted to, And what you
Speaker 2: said before, I really thought nobody knew had a really
Speaker 2: humbling moment. Recently, I posted a video on TikTok got
Speaker 2: a bit of attention, and it was me talking about
Speaker 2: my experience with idol and drugs and blah blah blah
Speaker 2: blah blah, and I had at least ten people come
Speaker 2: back and say, yeah, I came across you during that time.
Speaker 2: You were awful with different choice language, and I was
Speaker 2: I was really taken back. I was like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: like I've always tried to be or thought I was
Speaker 2: trying to be really kind and approachable and all of
Speaker 2: these things, and I just thought during that time, I
Speaker 2: was that person, like I was the cake that I
Speaker 2: am today, which is pretty down to earth.
Speaker 3: And easy going.
Speaker 2: And it was interesting that at least ten people came back, yeah,
Speaker 2: I came across you in this situation and you were
Speaker 2: terrible or you were really rude, and that was you know,
Speaker 2: you think that you've got yourself under control.
Speaker 1: But look, it would be hard night. You know where
Speaker 1: these young footballers go off track, you know, and we're
Speaker 1: talking eight nine erinen year olds that you know, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden become famous overnight because of their skills
Speaker 1: of on the football field, and we judge them hard
Speaker 1: if they misbehavior or whatever. But I reckon it takes
Speaker 1: an exceptional person not to get caught up in your
Speaker 1: own own ego. I spose I suppose the worth is
Speaker 1: where everyone and I would imagine that that period of
Speaker 1: your time when you're touring, everyone would have been saying, yes, Kate,
Speaker 1: you're great. Get out there and perform, and the audience
Speaker 1: are there cheering, clapping, and you come off stage and
Speaker 1: they're cheering. It would be hard to keep that in check,
Speaker 1: like keep you keep your balance, I would imagine, keep
Speaker 1: your feet firmly planted on the ground.
Speaker 3: Well, the thing that they do.
Speaker 2: And I just wish back those I wish there'd just
Speaker 2: been one person that would have told me the truth,
Speaker 2: one that would have said, you've lost your shit, Kate,
Speaker 2: or pull your shit together, or you know, everybody knows
Speaker 2: or whatever, but you're right. Everyone's just like, yeah, OK,
Speaker 2: off you go, You're amazing, we love you. And I
Speaker 2: could have walked off stage and saying out of tune
Speaker 2: for the whole show, and everybody would have still told
Speaker 2: me that I was great. And so you walk You're right,
Speaker 2: you're walking around on this false sense of amazingness and
Speaker 2: and and just run by ego and it's not Ego
Speaker 2: never ends well for anybody. But yeah, one hundred percent,
Speaker 2: I just needed one person to be able to be
Speaker 2: straight up with me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you said you pushed. Whether it was deliberately or
Speaker 1: it might have just been in life style you're living
Speaker 1: at the time that you sort of stepped away from
Speaker 1: your family and your old friends because they're they're they're
Speaker 1: a great source of bringing you back to reality if
Speaker 1: you've you've lost lost your way. Was that done deliberately
Speaker 1: because you didn't want anyone to rain you in or
Speaker 1: it was just circumstances.
Speaker 2: Probably to Probably as time went on, it was because
Speaker 2: I didn't want them to see what I was doing.
Speaker 2: But initially it was because I got blindsided by the lights.
Speaker 3: I guess, you know.
Speaker 2: Initially it was that I remember, I can't remember, might
Speaker 2: have been management at the time. I think I went
Speaker 2: in and said, oh, I spoke to my dad, which
Speaker 2: I do every day and still do. I spoke to
Speaker 2: my dad and he suggested this, and I remember one
Speaker 2: of them saying to me, yeah, but your dad's not
Speaker 2: in this.
Speaker 3: Industry, what would he know? And I was like, yeah,
Speaker 3: or actually, what would he know? And it was just
Speaker 3: stuff like that. I think they wanted to be able
Speaker 3: to sort of puppet.
Speaker 1: I suppose, and I'm putting the accusations that people I've
Speaker 1: never met, but I'm just theorizing here. I suppose it's
Speaker 1: in their interest to cut your way from people that
Speaker 1: might pull you away from them, because it's in their
Speaker 1: interests just to have you and point you in the
Speaker 1: direction and keep pushing you if the money's coming in.
Speaker 3: Of course, and we were just money makers at that time.
Speaker 2: And again, look, I've shared a lot of things in
Speaker 2: this in the last twenty minutes that I haven't really
Speaker 2: talked about before, again because no one's asked me. But
Speaker 2: I'm not bitter or angry about any of this stuff anymore.
Speaker 2: And I appreciate that it's just the way the industry
Speaker 2: was then. You know, It's not I wasn't the only
Speaker 2: one that had happened to and I'm not poor me
Speaker 2: and you know, all that stuff.
Speaker 3: Pity.
Speaker 2: It's just the way that it's just the way that
Speaker 2: it works, and it was happening to everybody, but yeah, they.
Speaker 3: Had an outcome and they had a vision and they
Speaker 3: did what they had to do to make it work
Speaker 3: that way.
Speaker 1: And there's a trade off for you, like the benefits
Speaker 1: for you as well as benefits for them. So it's
Speaker 1: not you know, it's not a one way street or
Speaker 1: take take like you're getting benefits and living the dream
Speaker 1: as you said in the Pop Star traveling around the
Speaker 1: country and yeah, enjoying yourself. Okay, drugs. Talk us through
Speaker 1: the build up of it, like the start off at
Speaker 1: cocaine Okay, after party, after the concert, you do a
Speaker 1: couple of lines of cocaine. When did it become well,
Speaker 1: I can't enjoy myself if I haven't got cocaine. When
Speaker 1: did it get to that point.
Speaker 3: Instantly for me? Yep, it didn't. It was not a
Speaker 3: slow burn for me.
Speaker 2: It was I'd met this thing and it was might
Speaker 2: became my everything and I didn't know how to or
Speaker 2: I very rarely would go to any kind of social
Speaker 2: anything without drugs on me with cocaine, and it wasn't
Speaker 2: ever one or two lines. It was one or two bags,
Speaker 2: and it was as much as I could. It was
Speaker 2: until I couldn't find anymore.
Speaker 1: Always And were you paying for it in these days
Speaker 1: or was this just that the industry? There was always
Speaker 1: stuff floating around.
Speaker 2: I mean, you'd get a little bit like I'll call
Speaker 2: them the normal people that use cocaine. I shouldn't say that,
Speaker 2: but yes, there's normal people that can go out and
Speaker 2: have two lines of coke and go home and get
Speaker 2: back to their lives the next day.
Speaker 3: Those people exist, and good on them, not me, But
Speaker 3: you know, I.
Speaker 2: Wanted to take it further always, so there was there
Speaker 2: might be a you know, I might get a line
Speaker 2: or two here, but there would I would always have
Speaker 2: my own supply that I would bring and pay for it.
Speaker 1: Yeap. When did you ever have a moment to where
Speaker 1: and you don't have to go into all the gory details,
Speaker 1: but have a moment when you're gone, oh shit, like
Speaker 1: look what I've done because yeah, I've been on the
Speaker 1: bendor for for the eight hours. Did you ever have
Speaker 1: that moment where you're thinking, maybe this is not the
Speaker 1: best thing to be doing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, definitely. There would be a lot of There
Speaker 2: would be times when I'd have to get to work
Speaker 2: and I hadn't been to bed, and I, you know,
Speaker 2: I was feeling it's you know, be up for two
Speaker 2: days and then have to try and gather myself and
Speaker 2: get my head in the game and turn up to
Speaker 2: an important gig or an important whatever, or get to
Speaker 2: an airport.
Speaker 3: Yeah. I never felt good in those moments, but it
Speaker 3: was never enough to stop me.
Speaker 1: Sadly, any of the people you're performing, we've give you
Speaker 1: a nudge and say, hey, you know, we've got to perform.
Speaker 1: I read one article about you that someone that with
Speaker 1: you said we didn't realize how bad it was because
Speaker 1: she always turned up and always was on time. Is
Speaker 1: that just part of your masking? Or people anyone close
Speaker 1: to you that you're touring with or living the lifestyle,
Speaker 1: we'd give you a tap on the shoulder.
Speaker 2: I think I'm from memory and I couldn't tell you
Speaker 2: what she said, but I'm fairly sure Emily, who I
Speaker 2: did my season of Idol with, and I you know her,
Speaker 2: and I have a lot of love for her and
Speaker 2: always will.
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure she pulled me aside. She did.
Speaker 2: I don't think she necessarily knew exactly what was going on,
Speaker 2: but she knew something wasn't right, and she pulled me
Speaker 2: up and said, you know, something's not right.
Speaker 3: Get your shit together like it was, you know, but no,
Speaker 3: not really.
Speaker 1: Okay, how long was the cocaine dream going for before
Speaker 1: you started other drugs? And what were those drugs?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I guess the other ones just started to sprinkle their
Speaker 2: way in along the way, you know, you start taking
Speaker 2: a bit of ecstasy and different party drugs. But the
Speaker 2: one that got me, that I that really made me unwell,
Speaker 2: which is one that people don't talk about a lot,
Speaker 2: but I think it's a really dangerous one and one
Speaker 2: that needs to be spoken about, especially in younger kids,
Speaker 2: is nitrous oxide.
Speaker 1: Okay, talk us through that.
Speaker 2: So nitros oxide is it's a gas, obviously, and it's
Speaker 2: the gas that you get at the dentist or when
Speaker 2: you're having a baby, or you know, it's a medical gas.
Speaker 2: But it can be purchased pretty easily. I won't go
Speaker 2: into the details of how because no, you know, I won't,
Speaker 2: But you know, it was something that I could accept
Speaker 2: and I didn't have to rely on anybody else to
Speaker 2: get it, and it was basically felt like an anesthetic,
Speaker 2: and it was something that I could have all day,
Speaker 2: every day with me, and it was something that became
Speaker 2: an extension of who I was. I had it all
Speaker 2: the time, and I breathed it like and I inhaled
Speaker 2: it like oxygen. And that's when the that's when the
Speaker 2: wheels really started to fall off, because I it was
Speaker 2: affecting my health, depleted my body of B twelve maybe
Speaker 2: really sick and you know, I'm fairly sure, which basically
Speaker 2: cuts off the oxygen to your brain for a short
Speaker 2: period of time. So I guess it's not dissimilar to
Speaker 2: maybe chroming maybe what the kids do now. But yeah,
Speaker 2: it really did some damage to my life in all ways.
Speaker 2: That's when I started to lose things. I started to
Speaker 2: lose friends, I started to lose relationships. I started to
Speaker 2: lose jobs because I couldn't. I stopped being able to
Speaker 2: turn up.
Speaker 1: Yeah, when those things were happening, did you just well,
Speaker 1: I don't care, like I'm living my life. Don't try
Speaker 1: and ram me in. What was the attitude that you
Speaker 1: had that kept you not fully appreciating what you were doing?
Speaker 3: Oh, look, it's a bit of jecky. There's two parts
Speaker 3: of me in this, and you know, I there's the
Speaker 3: addict part of me, and that is a part of me,
Speaker 3: I guess.
Speaker 2: But you know, there's also Kate and and I was
Speaker 2: both of these people, and I was at war with myself.
Speaker 2: But I guess the addict part of me was getting
Speaker 2: bigger and bigger and bigger. And of course when things
Speaker 2: went wrong, I would be devastated and I'd cry, and
Speaker 2: I'd get hysterical and I'd play up.
Speaker 3: But I just wasn't able to stop.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think unless I truly believe, unless you've
Speaker 2: ever felt that feeling or been in that situation, or
Speaker 2: truly been addicted to something, it's insanity. There's no two
Speaker 2: ways about it. Like from an outside of looking in,
Speaker 2: you go, fuck excuse my lone, but just fucking stop it,
Speaker 2: Like what.
Speaker 3: Are you doing?
Speaker 2: Look at your life crumbling to the ground, And I'm
Speaker 2: sitting there going I know, but I can't, can't stop.
Speaker 1: So it was it can't it was it wasn't I
Speaker 1: don't want to stop. Part of you in the good case,
Speaker 1: part of the brains going you need to stop. I
Speaker 1: want to stop. I want to stop this. But the
Speaker 1: addiction is you couldn't stop it.
Speaker 3: I couldn't. I just couldn't. I didn't know how to
Speaker 3: do life without it. I just didn't and it. Yeah,
Speaker 3: and like the.
Speaker 2: Relationships that I lost, you know, I lost a really
Speaker 2: long term relationship with a beautiful human, you know, and
Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose that. And of course I
Speaker 2: cared when I lost it, like it broke my heart
Speaker 2: and it still breaks my heart today, you know.
Speaker 1: But did that relationship end because of the ship way
Speaker 1: you were acting? Was that the part of it?
Speaker 3: Essentially? Essentially?
Speaker 2: Essentially my parents came and got me out of that
Speaker 2: house with him and said, you need to let her go. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, they broke up with my boyfriend for me essentially.
Speaker 1: But that's it. That's interesting, isn't it. So the breakicking
Speaker 1: up on behalf of your boyfriend saving your boyfriend rather
Speaker 1: than you like you say, yeah.
Speaker 3: Okay, let it go mate. I remember they came and
Speaker 3: got me and they said, just.
Speaker 1: Let it go. Yeah. Heavy stuff, Okay, the drug ice?
Speaker 1: When did you? And how and why? And I say this,
Speaker 1: and I say this to all people because there's different
Speaker 1: levels of drugs and there's even like a pecking order
Speaker 1: of Okay, well someone does cocaine, and that's socially acceptable
Speaker 1: heroin in its day, just a junkie heroin. Why would
Speaker 1: you touch ice? How did that happen? Because you would
Speaker 1: have had the warnings and I'm sure when you were
Speaker 1: going through the cake stage, I just do the lines
Speaker 1: of cake. I wouldn't touch ice. You'd have to be
Speaker 1: mad to touch ice. How do you get to that point?
Speaker 3: You just do? You know, that's just the progression of it.
Speaker 2: And as I said to you, by the time I
Speaker 2: met the time I tried ice, I was so far
Speaker 2: down the rabbit I wouldn't have cared what it was.
Speaker 3: I was so I was lost and just so.
Speaker 2: Filled with pain and just hatred for myself and for everything.
Speaker 2: I would have done anything to make the pain stop,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And I had no skills
Speaker 2: as to how to do life without drugs, and the
Speaker 2: drugs that I was doing weren't working anymore, and I
Speaker 2: couldn't afford the drugs that I was using.
Speaker 3: All that stuff.
Speaker 2: It was just and so of course, I'm sure, I'm
Speaker 2: sure I knew on a subconscious level that ice probably
Speaker 2: wasn't going.
Speaker 3: To end well for me. But when I and I
Speaker 3: was and I was really you know, strung out and
Speaker 3: not well, and I didn't feel good and I was tired,
Speaker 3: and then I and then I had tried ICE for
Speaker 3: the first time. And I'm not going to lie to you, Like,
Speaker 3: initially Ice, I thought it made me a better person.
Speaker 2: That's a delusion, I know, initially, and I'm sure you've
Speaker 2: seen it yourself, and you know Ice, the people on
Speaker 2: Ice are so deluded and remove from reality. But I
Speaker 2: really thought in the beginning that I was better. Like
Speaker 2: I was able to function, I was able to get
Speaker 2: stuff done. I didn't look a mess, you know what
Speaker 2: I mean. Like it changed the way I appeared for
Speaker 2: a little while, obviously, until it didn't. But by the
Speaker 2: time I met that drug, there was no consequential thinking
Speaker 2: left in me. I was just doing whatever I needed
Speaker 2: to do to get the outcome that I was chasing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's interesting hearing your story and appreciate you
Speaker 1: being so open with it that you've got into the coke.
Speaker 1: You're starting to hate yourself and so okay, well, what's
Speaker 1: the matter If I dabbling nice at this stage, you've
Speaker 1: hit low, I'll go lower. Who cares? Like, Look, yeah,
Speaker 1: were you still performing at that stage? No?
Speaker 3: I lost the lot by then? Oh god, it's all
Speaker 3: such a mess.
Speaker 1: But in my mind.
Speaker 3: But look, I was hanging onto a career with the
Speaker 3: grim you know what I mean. Like I had also gone.
Speaker 2: Into a deep depression after the Divas finished, and I'd
Speaker 2: put on about sixty kilos, you know, that food addiction.
Speaker 2: My parents had come and got me from Sydney and
Speaker 2: taken me out of my life and brought me back
Speaker 2: home to Bendigo to try and fix me up. So
Speaker 2: I guess the drugs and everything that I was doing
Speaker 2: weren't available anymore.
Speaker 3: So I really got.
Speaker 2: Into drinking heavily. I just would move to whatever was next,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Drinking and food really played
Speaker 2: back up in my life. Food was what I just
Speaker 2: buried myself in overeating. But you know, I had a
Speaker 2: manager along the way, a different manager that i'd found
Speaker 2: that really always still believed in me. And I wrote
Speaker 2: some music and recorded some music and went I got
Speaker 2: a gastric sleeve, so I lost all this weight and
Speaker 2: I got offered this radio job in Marucci Door, filling
Speaker 2: in for this breakfast show. And everybody said, Kate, this
Speaker 2: is the worst idea ever. Do not go to Marucci
Speaker 2: Door on your own for three months.
Speaker 3: And I was like, no, no, no, I've got it.
Speaker 3: I'm a grown up, I'm a grown ass woman. I'll
Speaker 3: do what i want to do. This is exactly what
Speaker 3: I need for my career.
Speaker 2: And that was I just become a full blown alcoholic
Speaker 2: and lost that job and then met this guy one
Speaker 2: night who had an ice pipe.
Speaker 3: Yep, and that was it. That was I'm used And
Speaker 3: that was the beginning of the end.
Speaker 1: Really it must have been like soul destroying for yourself,
Speaker 1: but you didn't have the proper perspective on that. But
Speaker 1: your family bringing you back to the farm, trying to
Speaker 1: really working hard to get the old Kate back all
Speaker 1: those steps and then it's blowing again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and they were desperate, and you know, I look
Speaker 2: back on those times and the desperation in their their
Speaker 2: eyes have just like just shut up, Kate and just listen,
Speaker 2: like just trust. But you know, as I said, I
Speaker 2: was just so far gone and I just was so
Speaker 2: unable to live without I was just mad.
Speaker 1: Was it harder having seen the bright lights of the
Speaker 1: stardom phase of your life and then stepping away from
Speaker 1: that at that point in time because you lost all
Speaker 1: that was that? Yeah, if you hadn't seen that side
Speaker 1: of life. You didn't even know it existed. You dream
Speaker 1: about it. That's a life that other people live having
Speaker 1: seen that life? Was it hard when you lost that life?
Speaker 3: Of course, and incredibly embarrassing and shameful. And I was
Speaker 3: probably a bit delusional around that for a long time,
Speaker 3: held onto something that was gone.
Speaker 2: You know, I'd really burn a lot of bridges through
Speaker 2: that time. You know, my name had mud all over it.
Speaker 2: You know, I'd really done some damage in the within
Speaker 2: the industry. And it sounds like a big place to be,
Speaker 2: but it's not. You know, it's a small it's a
Speaker 2: small world.
Speaker 3: So yeah, of course it was. And I had to
Speaker 3: grieve it, and it took me years to do that.
Speaker 2: It took me took me until I got clean this
Speaker 2: last time to be able to actually grieve the career
Speaker 2: that I had and lost and and the way that
Speaker 2: I thought my life life was going to play out.
Speaker 1: Okay, well, I can imagine that it would be hard
Speaker 1: coming to terms with it when those phone calls aren't
Speaker 1: returned and the messages aren't returned, and you're thinking, what
Speaker 1: have I done something wrong?
Speaker 3: Yeah, and not knowing why? Yeah, but yes, Kate, you
Speaker 3: did heats wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let us tell you we might. We might take
Speaker 1: a break now at part one and we'll come back
Speaker 1: to part two. I'd like to say it's all all
Speaker 1: the way up from here, but we do go to
Speaker 1: lower grounds. When you're addicted to ice for seven years?
Speaker 1: Is it seven years?
Speaker 3: About that?
Speaker 1: Hell of a long time? You're looking good now, someone
Speaker 1: that's come through that. So I think there's there's a
Speaker 1: happy ending at the end of this story.
Speaker 3: But I promise it gets good. I promise it gets good.
Speaker 1: We're going to get a little bit lower than we're
Speaker 1: going to come up for. Okay, we'll take a break
Speaker 1: and we'll be back for part two shortly