WEBVTT - Australian Idol star’s spiral into addiction: Kate DeAraugo Pt.1 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:04.880 The public has had a long held fascination with detectives. 0:00:05.360 --> 0:00:08.080 Detective see a side of life the average persons never 0:00:08.119 --> 0:00:11.119 exposed her. I spent thirty four years as a cop. 0:00:11.560 --> 0:00:14.040 For twenty five of those years I was catching killers. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:16.200 That's what I did for a living. I was a 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:20.560 homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead, 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.120 I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated. 0:00:23.840 --> 0:00:26.400 The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:28.760 from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw 0:00:28.800 --> 0:00:31.440 and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:34.640 of the content and language might be confronting. That's because 0:00:34.640 --> 0:00:37.640 no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged. 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:47.280 Join me now as I take you into this world. Today, 0:00:47.520 --> 0:00:51.000 I spoke to Kate Derouge. Kate has experienced the highs 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:53.800 and lows of life. In two thousand and five, she 0:00:53.920 --> 0:00:56.760 was the winner of the hit reality series Australian Idol 0:00:56.920 --> 0:00:58.480 and then went on to be a member of the 0:00:58.520 --> 0:01:02.200 Young Divers musical group. We spoke about that period of 0:01:02.200 --> 0:01:04.919 her life, but we also delved into a dark place. 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:08.040 Kate told me about her seven year addiction to ice, 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:11.840 living in a drug den with ten other people, being 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:14.320 attacked by a partner with a machete in a drug 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:18.399 fueled rage, and her numerous arrests. In fact, there was 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:21.199 not a lot we didn't talk about. Kate was very open. 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:24.880 Kate also spoke about being body shamed on National TV 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:28.399 by Kyle Sandlan's and the impact that that had on her. 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:31.840 She also spoke about her road to recovery and what 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:35.600 she now finds important in life. Kate's story shows that 0:01:35.680 --> 0:01:37.679 life can go off the rails even if you are 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:40.959 surrounded by good people. It also shows there is a 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:45.760 way back. Have her listened to her story, Kate Derouge, 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:48.400 thank you for coming on I Catch Killers. 0:01:48.320 --> 0:01:49.960 No worries Garth, thanks for having me. It's a bit 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:51.360 of a random one for me, but I like it. 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:53.320 I'm excited for what we're going to chat about. 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:54.960 Well, I should have thought about the name of the 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:58.240 podcast before we started rolling with I Catch Killers, because 0:01:58.240 --> 0:02:00.920 everyone looks a little bit suspicious. They ye get an 0:02:00.920 --> 0:02:05.200 invite onto that. Okay, tell me, have you ever killed anyone? 0:02:05.600 --> 0:02:06.360 Did you say? 0:02:06.720 --> 0:02:08.000 But recently? Not recently? 0:02:08.040 --> 0:02:10.160 So we're good, all right, Okay. I tried to get 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:12.000 that one that would make a great viewing if I 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:15.480 could get a confession Confession Life. Hey, it is a 0:02:15.480 --> 0:02:18.720 true crime podcast, but we've had so many people on 0:02:18.760 --> 0:02:22.440 the podcast that their life has gone off track because 0:02:22.480 --> 0:02:26.919 of drugs and just in prepping for the podcast Heroes 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.160 having a look at the figures and they're a couple 0:02:29.200 --> 0:02:30.880 of years old. But I think it would pretty much 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.840 be the same that in New South Wales I'm talking here. 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:39.480 I think it's fifty six percent of male prisoners have 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:42.320 been involved with heavy drugs, you know, the cocaine and 0:02:42.320 --> 0:02:46.120 the ice a heroin before they did their term in jail. 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:48.720 And in femals, I think it was up to seventy 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:52.800 six percent that drugs have steered people away. So true 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:56.280 crime podcasts, but drugs do play a big part in 0:02:56.320 --> 0:02:58.000 that world, I think so. 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:00.959 And you know, I actually interviewed myself recently the ex 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.440 governor of the prison system here in Victoria, and I 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:05.200 asked her that question. I was like, how many people 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:07.920 that come into the prison system do you think are 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:11.280 driven by drugs and mental health or crime? 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:11.560 First? 0:03:11.639 --> 0:03:13.200 Like what comes first? The chicken or the egg? 0:03:13.240 --> 0:03:16.760 And I can't remember the exact percentages that she gave me, 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:19.040 but like she said, majority of them are driven by 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:23.600 some kind of drug related offense or mental health that's 0:03:23.800 --> 0:03:25.080 landed them there, and. 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:29.120 Quite often a combination of the two, which is a 0:03:29.200 --> 0:03:33.240 terrible cocktail. I've found with people that have got into 0:03:33.360 --> 0:03:36.400 drugs where it's impacted on their life, invariably it starts. 0:03:36.440 --> 0:03:38.800 I've had a lot of people say, well, that's for 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:42.160 the other guys to get addicted. I can just put 0:03:42.200 --> 0:03:44.240 my toe in the water and I'll be fine. I 0:03:44.280 --> 0:03:47.040 can pull out whenever I want to, and before they 0:03:47.120 --> 0:03:51.480 realize that they've got an addiction problem. The others seem 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:53.720 to be ones that are running away from something that's 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:56.360 happened in their childhood, and the drugs are the escape 0:03:56.400 --> 0:03:58.880 from that. Would you you've got a sense of the world, 0:03:59.080 --> 0:04:02.280 Do you think that that's where people find themselves in. 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:06.600 I've never met a true addict. And I say true 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:08.480 addict because I think there's people that get addicted to 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:11.200 drugs that are situational and I've met and that can 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:13.440 put the drugs down after a little bit of help 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:15.240 or a couple of weeks away, you know, or whatever 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:17.479 it might be, and get on and live a relatively 0:04:17.600 --> 0:04:19.400 normal life that might be able to have a drink 0:04:19.480 --> 0:04:21.880 or whatever. And then there's what I call true addicts. 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:23.599 And I believe I've been an addict since birth. I 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:25.760 believe that my brain's wired a little bit differently, and 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:30.520 I almost would say somewhat of an allergic reaction when 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:33.760 substance has hit my system. But I've never met a 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:36.360 true addict that wasn't running from something, that wasn't driven 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:38.760 by trauma, you know, or had some kind of traumatic 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:41.880 event that they you know, drugs became their solution and 0:04:41.960 --> 0:04:44.360 the way that they learned to manage their lives. 0:04:44.760 --> 0:04:49.000 Yeah, it's interesting how people find their way down that path. 0:04:49.400 --> 0:04:51.760 There was a quote in one of the many interviews 0:04:51.760 --> 0:04:54.520 that you've done, and I'll just read it out. It 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:58.440 was back in two thousand and twenty three where you said, 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:00.839 in the back of my mind, it was a story 0:05:00.880 --> 0:05:03.440 I told myself, I'm not an addict. I don't end 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:05.599 up in those places. I come from a good home. 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:08.480 But this shit doesn't give a fuck who you are. 0:05:08.680 --> 0:05:11.839 It doesn't care where you came from, who your mummies 0:05:11.920 --> 0:05:13.760 or daddies are, or what school you went to. 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:15.360 It doesn't. 0:05:15.760 --> 0:05:17.560 Yeah, true true words. 0:05:17.520 --> 0:05:18.000 It doesn't. 0:05:18.000 --> 0:05:20.200 It doesn't care like if it can get, you know, 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:23.000 and I say this and I share this, and because 0:05:23.160 --> 0:05:25.920 you know, I think so many people have this incredible 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:29.719 preconceived ideas that addicts come from broken homes and you know, 0:05:29.720 --> 0:05:33.200 all of these really dramatic, awful backgrounds. 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:35.520 You know, but that wasn't that wasn't my case. 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:37.080 Like, you know, I came from a home that on 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:38.800 paper looked like I should have grown up to be 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:44.160 really normal, happy, healthy, balanced person girl in the world. 0:05:45.160 --> 0:05:47.720 And that just didn't you know, addiction didn't care about 0:05:47.720 --> 0:05:49.599 any of that stuff, but just it just didn't. And 0:05:49.800 --> 0:05:53.000 you know, I've seen over the years people come from 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:54.120 all kinds of professions. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:54.280 You know. 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:57.120 One of the biggest eye openers I remember, I was 0:05:57.120 --> 0:05:59.240 in rehabit I obviously won't use his name, but I 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:01.560 was in reh had with this doctor and he was 0:06:01.600 --> 0:06:05.600 the most incredibly looking, smart human and on paper had 0:06:05.640 --> 0:06:08.279 absolutely everything that a person you think could want a 0:06:08.360 --> 0:06:10.440 need to be okay in this world. And he was 0:06:10.480 --> 0:06:15.000 the most traumatized, insecure, you know, addicted person that I'd 0:06:15.040 --> 0:06:15.400 ever met. 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:17.440 And it was such an eye opener for me. Addiction 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:18.840 it doesn't it just doesn't care. 0:06:19.200 --> 0:06:24.080 Yeah, it doesn't discriminate. Also, The fact is that people 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:26.360 can function with it for a while before it catches 0:06:26.400 --> 0:06:29.440 them out, and by the time it's caught them out, 0:06:29.600 --> 0:06:34.320 their life's invariably fallen aparto. 0:06:32.960 --> 0:06:33.440 Gone to ship. 0:06:33.480 --> 0:06:35.880 By the time most people realize they're in strife, it's 0:06:35.920 --> 0:06:37.080 too late, you know what I mean. 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:39.120 People always say to me, why did you touch Ice? 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.160 Why did you pick up eyes? You knew what would happen. 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:43.600 It's like, yeah, maybe, but like by the time I'd 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:46.480 got to that point, it was too late. Like I 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:49.720 was well and truly on my path of addiction, and 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:53.000 I would have picked up anything that would have soothed 0:06:53.400 --> 0:06:55.800 and taken away that pain that I was feeling at 0:06:55.800 --> 0:06:56.000 that time. 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:58.000 It wouldn't have mattered what it was. But you know, 0:06:58.040 --> 0:06:59.960 Ice was just the one that brought me to my knees. 0:07:00.120 --> 0:07:01.920 So by the time I got to that, like logic 0:07:01.960 --> 0:07:05.680 thinking and all of that sane processing that people that 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.919 aren't on drugs do, was well and truly gone. 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:14.320 Out the door gone. You talk about your childhood, where 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:14.960 did you grow up? 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:17.680 So I grew up in Bendigo, you know, in a 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:21.760 house with a mom and dad, brother, sister, a beautiful 0:07:21.760 --> 0:07:25.400 extended family. You know, grandparents, all of that really beautiful stuff, 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:27.920 you know, just it was filled with love. There was 0:07:27.960 --> 0:07:31.520 you know, my parents were still you know, up together 0:07:31.640 --> 0:07:34.080 until my mum left us. And you know, so I 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:37.320 came from that kind of home. You know, we weren't 0:07:38.160 --> 0:07:40.320 rich or anything crazy like that, but my parents were 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:42.600 incredible humans that worked really hard to make sure that 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:44.880 you know, we as kids never went without and that 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:48.160 we had everything that we needed. But yeah, I just 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:50.920 I share this a lot. I just always remember having 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.560 this sense of being a square peg in a round hole. 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:55.960 Just something was always not right for me. 0:07:56.640 --> 0:07:59.200 And break that down, what's that look like you're looking 0:07:59.240 --> 0:08:02.120 for something that other people seemed satisfied or you were 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:03.360 looking for something that. 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:08.920 I just always and up until I guess I got 0:08:08.960 --> 0:08:12.680 recovery nearly eight years ago, I don't remember a time 0:08:12.680 --> 0:08:15.559 where I just didn't have this sense of I guess 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:18.840 the best way to like impending doom, like something terrible 0:08:18.880 --> 0:08:20.800 was going to happen. Like I just lived in this 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:25.240 state of fear and anxiety and that me Kate, little 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:28.120 Kate as a five year old just wasn't right in 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:30.280 her body and she needed to be somebody else to 0:08:30.280 --> 0:08:30.720 be okay. 0:08:30.760 --> 0:08:32.000 And to be loved and to be accepted. 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:33.839 And I couldn't tell you where that came from, or 0:08:33.920 --> 0:08:36.400 where or the reasoning for that thinking that was just 0:08:36.480 --> 0:08:40.120 my reality and my addictive behavior. And this surprises a 0:08:40.160 --> 0:08:44.640 lot of people showed up way before drugs, way before drugs. 0:08:44.679 --> 0:08:45.400 It just didn't. 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:47.600 It's just not as big and as scary and as 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:49.800 dangerous as the words drugs. But like I used to 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:54.880 use food in a really unhealthy, unmanageable way from like 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:57.160 five year old. I used to steal it and lie 0:08:57.200 --> 0:08:59.439 and hide it needed in secret, in a shameful kind 0:08:59.440 --> 0:09:02.880 of way. And I guess as I grew up, those 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:07.640 behaviors changed and shifted, you know, and that you know, 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:09.319 as I got a bit older, it moved into latter 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:14.920 real lot. But I've never done anything in that's not 0:09:15.000 --> 0:09:16.840 full on, you know. I've always done it to extremes, 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:19.000 whether that be relationships. You know, I'll meet a guy 0:09:19.800 --> 0:09:21.800 or used to and you've calmed down now. But I'd 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:24.520 meet somebody and you know, I'd be mad within the 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:26.640 first week, you know, would be amazingly in love and 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.000 he'd be the most toxic human. 0:09:27.880 --> 0:09:29.480 That ever lived in the world. But we were moving 0:09:29.480 --> 0:09:29.920 in and. 0:09:30.160 --> 0:09:32.960 You know, it's just everything was always so intense for me, 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:38.640 and eventually, I guess when I ran into drugs after idol, 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:40.199 that was the perfect storm. 0:09:40.559 --> 0:09:43.960 Okay, So it's sort of you have that personality trade 0:09:43.960 --> 0:09:46.640 that was in your DNA that you were going to commit. 0:09:46.880 --> 0:09:47.840 You just weren't sure. 0:09:47.840 --> 0:09:50.520 If I was on yeah, I was on yeah. 0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:53.280 And look, that way of living life is an interesting 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:56.040 way of living life. And some people navigate their way 0:09:56.080 --> 0:10:00.160 through life with that type of drive that yeah, they 0:10:00.200 --> 0:10:02.120 chase it and they commit one hundred you know, one 0:10:02.160 --> 0:10:04.840 hundred percent. A lot of those people are very successful. 0:10:05.000 --> 0:10:08.280 But it's just a cautionary tail, isn't it If that 0:10:08.640 --> 0:10:11.719 if that drive is pointed in the wrong direction? All 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:12.560 help and break list. 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:15.040 My dad always used to say to me, if you say, Katy, 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:16.680 if you could put ten percent of the effort that 0:10:16.720 --> 0:10:18.880 you put into using drugs into your life, you would 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:21.840 be an incredibly successful human. And he was right, you 0:10:21.880 --> 0:10:23.520 know what I mean, He's all right, Like if just 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:26.480 once I committed to something and I was lost in it, 0:10:26.520 --> 0:10:28.040 there was really no stopping me. 0:10:28.440 --> 0:10:32.560 Okay, music, when did that become your become your passion? 0:10:33.480 --> 0:10:35.200 Always? I grew up around music. 0:10:35.360 --> 0:10:41.480 My granddad was an incredible singer, incredible tenor you know, 0:10:41.520 --> 0:10:43.720 he was offered to travel the world with the Pavrotti's 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:45.360 and those kinds of singers, but he had he had 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:47.640 he had five babies at home and he chose to 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:48.520 stay home. 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.040 He was that kind of guy. And yeah, my house 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:52.600 was just always filled with music. 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:54.720 You know, all my uncles and my dad played guitar 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:57.400 and singing and it was just something that was always 0:10:58.080 --> 0:10:59.160 just a part of my world. 0:10:59.600 --> 0:11:04.400 Right. You went on Australian Idol at eighteen, and this 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:07.400 is a man sitting here saying I would get terrified 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:09.520 if I had to do karaoke at two am and 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:13.839 a drunken bar. What where did you get the confidence 0:11:13.920 --> 0:11:17.680 to at eighteen? Because I've watched the show and when 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:20.240 you won it in two thousand and five, it was big. 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:24.240 It was before all the PATV and everything else subscribers 0:11:24.320 --> 0:11:28.160 and that Australian Idol was watched by everyone was talking 0:11:28.160 --> 0:11:31.760 about it the next day. What made you think, who 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.840 encouraged you or what drove you to even have a 0:11:34.840 --> 0:11:36.000 shot at something like that. 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.120 I guess it was just it was something that I 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:41.680 was good at and it's taken me a lot of 0:11:41.720 --> 0:11:42.920 years to be able to say that, and I still 0:11:42.920 --> 0:11:45.840 stumble over those words. But it was something that I 0:11:46.040 --> 0:11:49.160 was good at, and it just felt like the natural, 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:53.200 Like my family encouraged me, my singing teacher encouraged me, 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:55.600 like everybody sort of encouraged me to just go and 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:58.480 give this show ago and I auditioned two years before that, 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:01.960 both years before or I won. Yeah, and didn't get 0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:05.520 through the front door. But yeah, I just was something 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.040 that everybody sort of said that I should do. I 0:12:08.160 --> 0:12:11.600 was petrified, yeah the whole time. But yeah, I just 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:15.719 kept I just kept turning up and doing it. But yeah, 0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:18.760 it was I guess it just felt like I didn't 0:12:18.440 --> 0:12:21.120 I wasn't very good at anything else, Like I wasn't 0:12:21.120 --> 0:12:23.880 good at school. I was never gonna, you know, graduate 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:25.080 with honors or anything like. 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:25.240 That. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:27.360 Was the only thing that I was really good at 0:12:27.400 --> 0:12:29.880 and that I felt comfortable to a degree doing and 0:12:29.920 --> 0:12:32.439 that people took me serious for was music. 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:34.200 So I just kind of felt like the thing to do. 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.240 Right. You had that confidence from the people around you, 0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:41.559 and you knew that you had had a skill set there. Okay, 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:44.640 you were knocked back for the first two auditions. I 0:12:44.679 --> 0:12:47.640 would imagine that attacks your self esteem to a degree too. 0:12:47.960 --> 0:12:50.520 You roll up there, you think everyone around you has 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:52.600 been telling you you're great, you could win this, and 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:53.840 you rock up and they got. 0:12:54.080 --> 0:12:56.480 Hyeah, no no deal. Yeah. 0:12:56.520 --> 0:13:00.040 And I was sixteen the first time I auditioned, so 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:04.760 you know, pretty vulnerable. But yeah, you know what, to 0:13:04.760 --> 0:13:08.520 be totally honest, I don't remember those times a lot. 0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:11.200 I as I said to you earlier, like I spent 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:13.080 so much on my childhood and so much of those 0:13:13.080 --> 0:13:17.520 teenage years just so disgustingly uncomfortable in my skin and 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:21.240 just riddled with so much anxiety that I almost felt 0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:25.040 like I lived in a disassociated state from myself. I 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.040 would just go through the motions and do things and 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:29.679 turn up obviously I was there, but I don't have 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:32.920 many core memories of that stuff. Like I can tell 0:13:32.920 --> 0:13:35.000 you that I was on Australian Idol, and I can 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:36.440 tell you that I won, and I can tell you 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:38.400 that I've done lots of incredible things, but I don't 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:42.360 necessarily remember it. And that's a really it saddens me 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.360 to say that, but yeah, I just they're not memories 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:48.120 that I that I have, Right. 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:50.240 Is that because of what you've been through and that 0:13:50.559 --> 0:13:54.320 I suppose you shuffle your memories along and you've seen 0:13:54.320 --> 0:13:57.080 a lot more extreme since then. Is it? Where have 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:01.000 you lost those memories? Because I I think, like you 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:03.800 look back at they were formative years as a teenager 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:07.760 and yeah, stepping into adulthood and you know what that 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:11.120 journey you went on when you won Australian idol at eighteen, 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:12.920 that was an incredible journey. 0:14:13.760 --> 0:14:16.360 Absolutely, And you know, I've done all kinds of wonderful 0:14:16.400 --> 0:14:19.480 things since then, Like I you know, I got to 0:14:19.520 --> 0:14:21.840 travel through Europe with my family and we talk about 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:23.400 it all the time and they go, do you remember this? 0:14:23.480 --> 0:14:25.720 And I say that I have no recollection of that, 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:29.040 and I do put it down to maybe partially the 0:14:29.080 --> 0:14:32.800 abuse to my brain over the years, partially that and 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:36.120 also just as you know, that fight or flight instinct 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.960 as a young person, that I just was so like 0:14:39.040 --> 0:14:41.360 this all the time, that I was just existing as 0:14:41.360 --> 0:14:43.680 opposed to being present right in the world. 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:46.920 And you said you weren't comfortable with yourself at the time. 0:14:46.960 --> 0:14:50.560 What was that about? Where was that coming from? Look? 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:52.200 You know, I guess I grew up in those early 0:14:52.240 --> 0:14:55.960 two thousands where women's bodies were really judged, and it 0:14:56.000 --> 0:14:58.440 was okay to say what was reminiscing actually just yesterday 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:01.840 about the Biggest Loser and the way it was okay 0:15:01.840 --> 0:15:04.320 to treat those people like the people and contestants on 0:15:04.360 --> 0:15:08.120 those shows, and it was just so disgusting. And you know, 0:15:08.200 --> 0:15:12.680 we were taught to believe that that heroin chic tiny 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:15.720 little bodies was what perceived to be beautiful, and if 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:17.760 you weren't that, you were no one. And I wasn't that, 0:15:18.520 --> 0:15:21.200 especially within the industry that I was trying to step into. 0:15:21.840 --> 0:15:23.320 You know, it was so. 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:25.680 Important, and it was every bit, if not more important 0:15:25.680 --> 0:15:28.360 that you would look a certain way that you could sing. 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:30.520 You know, it was it was such a big deal. 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:35.040 And I grabbed onto that messaging and that storyline and 0:15:35.120 --> 0:15:38.600 it just became my core belief, you know what I mean. 0:15:38.640 --> 0:15:40.440 I just really truly believed if I didn't look a 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:44.560 certain way, then I was I wasn't enough. And you know, 0:15:44.600 --> 0:15:47.320 I guess that got confirmed for me in the industry. 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:48.960 And look, I don't blame anybody for that. It's just 0:15:49.000 --> 0:15:49.520 the way it was. 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:51.880 And it happened to hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:52.920 other people you know what I mean. 0:15:53.440 --> 0:15:56.400 But there were certain situations that happened in that time 0:15:56.520 --> 0:15:59.200 that just continued to confirm that belief system for me. 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:02.880 So yeah, but you know, even from a little girl 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:05.800 in school, I remember there was that popular group of 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:06.400 girls that. 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:08.720 Were at school and I just always looked at them. 0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:10.080 I was like, Oh, if I could just look like 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:12.040 them and be like them and exist with them, then 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:13.240 I'd be okay in the world. 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:15.120 So it's just alert behavior. 0:16:15.800 --> 0:16:18.680 And it can be cruel, can't it. Those childhoods and 0:16:18.720 --> 0:16:22.480 one of being in with the cool gang, and yeah, 0:16:22.880 --> 0:16:26.480 it can be cruel. Okay. So when take you back 0:16:26.520 --> 0:16:30.320 two thousand and five, you auditioned for Australian Idol and 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:33.000 you got all the way through. Take us back to 0:16:33.000 --> 0:16:36.520 those times, because your life changed dramatically from that moment 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:39.760 you became a well i'd say an over night celebrity. 0:16:39.800 --> 0:16:41.120 But I know you've done a lot of work up 0:16:41.200 --> 0:16:44.480 to it. But what was the process of applying and 0:16:44.520 --> 0:16:46.960 then what did you have to do? Well? 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:48.680 I guess the first step was you had to turn 0:16:48.760 --> 0:16:52.800 up an audition with the thousands and there's no judges there, 0:16:52.840 --> 0:16:54.760 there's just producers behind the scenes. 0:16:55.240 --> 0:16:55.600 You go in. 0:16:55.720 --> 0:16:59.680 You sing a song, there's yes or no, pretty easy, 0:17:00.000 --> 0:17:02.240 as simple as that. You go through that process, and 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:05.120 then if you get past that first big day, they 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:08.680 take you on to the next stage, which is singing 0:17:08.720 --> 0:17:12.159 in front of the judges, which was the stage in 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:13.920 the previous years that I'd never got past. When I 0:17:13.920 --> 0:17:16.000 got in front of the judges, the judges said get 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:19.520 out okay. But this third year, yeah, it was a 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:21.280 different It was a different setup. 0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.399 It was the judges had changed. 0:17:23.440 --> 0:17:27.920 It went from Dicko to Kyle Yep and yeah, then 0:17:27.960 --> 0:17:30.280 I got through, and then I just kept getting through. 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:32.280 I just kept going to the next stage, turning up, 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.080 thinking oh this will be like, this will shortly be 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:34.359 the end. 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:37.120 I'll be going home now. And I just just kept 0:17:37.119 --> 0:17:37.680 getting through. 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:41.560 So when the show, whatever night that was played on 0:17:41.880 --> 0:17:45.520 and you're performing, then the next day people would have 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:47.879 been interested in you. Did you realize your life was 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:51.040 changing the further you went up in the competition? 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:55.080 I mean, yes, life had definitely changed. You know what, 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:59.280 once I got into that top twelve, you really locked well, 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.639 I was really locked up in a bubble. And again, 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:05.600 it wasn't social media wasn't a thing there wasn't TikTok 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.639 and Instagram and followers and any of that stuff. So 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:10.760 I guess I had no concept of what was happening 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:13.000 outside of this little bubble that I lived in, which 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:16.240 was basically a house with twelve people, from the house 0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:19.600 to the studio to the house to the studio until 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:21.480 I went a bit further down and we would go 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:25.719 into like shopping centers and back when shopping center performances 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.239 and appearances were really a big thing, and then all 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:29.120 of a sudden there were. 0:18:29.000 --> 0:18:32.560 These groups of like lots of people turning up. But yeah, 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:33.560 like I guess it was. 0:18:33.840 --> 0:18:36.280