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Speaker 1: The public has had a long held fascination with detectives.

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Speaker 1: Detective see a side of life the average persons never

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Speaker 1: exposed her. I spent thirty four years as a cop.

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Speaker 1: For twenty five of those years I was catching killers.

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Speaker 1: That's what I did for a living. I was a

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Speaker 1: homicide detective. I'm no longer just interviewing bad guys. Instead,

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Speaker 1: I'm taking the public into the world in which I operated.

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Speaker 1: The guests I talk to each week have amazing stories

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Speaker 1: from all sides of the law. The interviews are raw

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Speaker 1: and honest, just like the people I talk to. Some

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Speaker 1: of the content and language might be confronting. That's because

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Speaker 1: no one who comes into contact with crime is left unchanged.

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Speaker 1: Join me now as I take you into this world. Today,

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Speaker 1: I spoke to Kate Derouge. Kate has experienced the highs

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Speaker 1: and lows of life. In two thousand and five, she

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Speaker 1: was the winner of the hit reality series Australian Idol

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Speaker 1: and then went on to be a member of the

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Speaker 1: Young Divers musical group. We spoke about that period of

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Speaker 1: her life, but we also delved into a dark place.

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Speaker 1: Kate told me about her seven year addiction to ice,

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Speaker 1: living in a drug den with ten other people, being

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Speaker 1: attacked by a partner with a machete in a drug

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Speaker 1: fueled rage, and her numerous arrests. In fact, there was

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Speaker 1: not a lot we didn't talk about. Kate was very open.

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Speaker 1: Kate also spoke about being body shamed on National TV

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Speaker 1: by Kyle Sandlan's and the impact that that had on her.

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Speaker 1: She also spoke about her road to recovery and what

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Speaker 1: she now finds important in life. Kate's story shows that

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Speaker 1: life can go off the rails even if you are

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Speaker 1: surrounded by good people. It also shows there is a

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Speaker 1: way back. Have her listened to her story, Kate Derouge,

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Speaker 1: thank you for coming on I Catch Killers.

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Speaker 2: No worries Garth, thanks for having me. It's a bit

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Speaker 2: of a random one for me, but I like it.

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Speaker 2: I'm excited for what we're going to chat about.

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Speaker 1: Well, I should have thought about the name of the

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Speaker 1: podcast before we started rolling with I Catch Killers, because

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Speaker 1: everyone looks a little bit suspicious. They ye get an

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Speaker 1: invite onto that. Okay, tell me, have you ever killed anyone?

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Speaker 1: Did you say?

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Speaker 3: But recently? Not recently?

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Speaker 1: So we're good, all right, Okay. I tried to get

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Speaker 1: that one that would make a great viewing if I

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Speaker 1: could get a confession Confession Life. Hey, it is a

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Speaker 1: true crime podcast, but we've had so many people on

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Speaker 1: the podcast that their life has gone off track because

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Speaker 1: of drugs and just in prepping for the podcast Heroes

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Speaker 1: having a look at the figures and they're a couple

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Speaker 1: of years old. But I think it would pretty much

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Speaker 1: be the same that in New South Wales I'm talking here.

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Speaker 1: I think it's fifty six percent of male prisoners have

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Speaker 1: been involved with heavy drugs, you know, the cocaine and

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Speaker 1: the ice a heroin before they did their term in jail.

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Speaker 1: And in femals, I think it was up to seventy

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Speaker 1: six percent that drugs have steered people away. So true

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Speaker 1: crime podcasts, but drugs do play a big part in

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Speaker 1: that world, I think so.

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Speaker 2: And you know, I actually interviewed myself recently the ex

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Speaker 2: governor of the prison system here in Victoria, and I

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Speaker 2: asked her that question. I was like, how many people

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Speaker 2: that come into the prison system do you think are

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Speaker 2: driven by drugs and mental health or crime?

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Speaker 1: First?

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Speaker 3: Like what comes first? The chicken or the egg?

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Speaker 2: And I can't remember the exact percentages that she gave me,

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Speaker 2: but like she said, majority of them are driven by

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Speaker 2: some kind of drug related offense or mental health that's

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Speaker 2: landed them there, and.

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Speaker 1: Quite often a combination of the two, which is a

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Speaker 1: terrible cocktail. I've found with people that have got into

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Speaker 1: drugs where it's impacted on their life, invariably it starts.

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Speaker 1: I've had a lot of people say, well, that's for

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Speaker 1: the other guys to get addicted. I can just put

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Speaker 1: my toe in the water and I'll be fine. I

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Speaker 1: can pull out whenever I want to, and before they

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Speaker 1: realize that they've got an addiction problem. The others seem

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Speaker 1: to be ones that are running away from something that's

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Speaker 1: happened in their childhood, and the drugs are the escape

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Speaker 1: from that. Would you you've got a sense of the world,

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Speaker 1: Do you think that that's where people find themselves in.

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Speaker 2: I've never met a true addict. And I say true

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Speaker 2: addict because I think there's people that get addicted to

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Speaker 2: drugs that are situational and I've met and that can

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Speaker 2: put the drugs down after a little bit of help

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Speaker 2: or a couple of weeks away, you know, or whatever

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Speaker 2: it might be, and get on and live a relatively

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Speaker 2: normal life that might be able to have a drink

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Speaker 2: or whatever. And then there's what I call true addicts.

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Speaker 2: And I believe I've been an addict since birth. I

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Speaker 2: believe that my brain's wired a little bit differently, and

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Speaker 2: I almost would say somewhat of an allergic reaction when

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Speaker 2: substance has hit my system. But I've never met a

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Speaker 2: true addict that wasn't running from something, that wasn't driven

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Speaker 2: by trauma, you know, or had some kind of traumatic

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Speaker 2: event that they you know, drugs became their solution and

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Speaker 2: the way that they learned to manage their lives.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's interesting how people find their way down that path.

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Speaker 1: There was a quote in one of the many interviews

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Speaker 1: that you've done, and I'll just read it out. It

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Speaker 1: was back in two thousand and twenty three where you said,

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Speaker 1: in the back of my mind, it was a story

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Speaker 1: I told myself, I'm not an addict. I don't end

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Speaker 1: up in those places. I come from a good home.

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Speaker 1: But this shit doesn't give a fuck who you are.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't care where you came from, who your mummies

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Speaker 1: or daddies are, or what school you went to.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, true true words.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't.

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Speaker 2: It doesn't care like if it can get, you know,

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Speaker 2: and I say this and I share this, and because

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Speaker 2: you know, I think so many people have this incredible

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Speaker 2: preconceived ideas that addicts come from broken homes and you know,

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Speaker 2: all of these really dramatic, awful backgrounds.

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Speaker 3: You know, but that wasn't that wasn't my case.

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Speaker 2: Like, you know, I came from a home that on

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Speaker 2: paper looked like I should have grown up to be

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Speaker 2: really normal, happy, healthy, balanced person girl in the world.

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Speaker 2: And that just didn't you know, addiction didn't care about

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Speaker 2: any of that stuff, but just it just didn't. And

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Speaker 2: you know, I've seen over the years people come from

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Speaker 2: all kinds of professions.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 2: One of the biggest eye openers I remember, I was

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Speaker 2: in rehabit I obviously won't use his name, but I

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Speaker 2: was in reh had with this doctor and he was

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Speaker 2: the most incredibly looking, smart human and on paper had

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Speaker 2: absolutely everything that a person you think could want a

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Speaker 2: need to be okay in this world. And he was

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Speaker 2: the most traumatized, insecure, you know, addicted person that I'd

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Speaker 2: ever met.

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Speaker 3: And it was such an eye opener for me. Addiction

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Speaker 3: it doesn't it just doesn't care.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't discriminate. Also, The fact is that people

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Speaker 1: can function with it for a while before it catches

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Speaker 1: them out, and by the time it's caught them out,

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Speaker 1: their life's invariably fallen aparto.

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Speaker 3: Gone to ship.

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Speaker 2: By the time most people realize they're in strife, it's

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Speaker 2: too late, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: People always say to me, why did you touch Ice?

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Speaker 3: Why did you pick up eyes? You knew what would happen.

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Speaker 2: It's like, yeah, maybe, but like by the time I'd

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Speaker 2: got to that point, it was too late. Like I

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Speaker 2: was well and truly on my path of addiction, and

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Speaker 2: I would have picked up anything that would have soothed

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Speaker 2: and taken away that pain that I was feeling at

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Speaker 2: that time.

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Speaker 3: It wouldn't have mattered what it was. But you know,

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Speaker 3: Ice was just the one that brought me to my knees.

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Speaker 2: So by the time I got to that, like logic

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Speaker 2: thinking and all of that sane processing that people that

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Speaker 2: aren't on drugs do, was well and truly gone.

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Speaker 1: Out the door gone. You talk about your childhood, where

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Speaker 1: did you grow up?

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Speaker 2: So I grew up in Bendigo, you know, in a

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Speaker 2: house with a mom and dad, brother, sister, a beautiful

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Speaker 2: extended family. You know, grandparents, all of that really beautiful stuff,

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Speaker 2: you know, just it was filled with love. There was

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Speaker 2: you know, my parents were still you know, up together

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Speaker 2: until my mum left us. And you know, so I

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Speaker 2: came from that kind of home. You know, we weren't

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Speaker 2: rich or anything crazy like that, but my parents were

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Speaker 2: incredible humans that worked really hard to make sure that

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Speaker 2: you know, we as kids never went without and that

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Speaker 2: we had everything that we needed. But yeah, I just

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Speaker 2: I share this a lot. I just always remember having

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Speaker 2: this sense of being a square peg in a round hole.

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Speaker 3: Just something was always not right for me.

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Speaker 1: And break that down, what's that look like you're looking

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Speaker 1: for something that other people seemed satisfied or you were

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Speaker 1: looking for something that.

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Speaker 2: I just always and up until I guess I got

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Speaker 2: recovery nearly eight years ago, I don't remember a time

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Speaker 2: where I just didn't have this sense of I guess

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Speaker 2: the best way to like impending doom, like something terrible

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Speaker 2: was going to happen. Like I just lived in this

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Speaker 2: state of fear and anxiety and that me Kate, little

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Speaker 2: Kate as a five year old just wasn't right in

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Speaker 2: her body and she needed to be somebody else to

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Speaker 2: be okay.

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Speaker 3: And to be loved and to be accepted.

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Speaker 2: And I couldn't tell you where that came from, or

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Speaker 2: where or the reasoning for that thinking that was just

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Speaker 2: my reality and my addictive behavior. And this surprises a

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Speaker 2: lot of people showed up way before drugs, way before drugs.

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Speaker 3: It just didn't.

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Speaker 2: It's just not as big and as scary and as

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Speaker 2: dangerous as the words drugs. But like I used to

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Speaker 2: use food in a really unhealthy, unmanageable way from like

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Speaker 2: five year old. I used to steal it and lie

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Speaker 2: and hide it needed in secret, in a shameful kind

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Speaker 2: of way. And I guess as I grew up, those

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Speaker 2: behaviors changed and shifted, you know, and that you know,

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Speaker 2: as I got a bit older, it moved into latter

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Speaker 2: real lot. But I've never done anything in that's not

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Speaker 2: full on, you know. I've always done it to extremes,

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Speaker 2: whether that be relationships. You know, I'll meet a guy

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Speaker 2: or used to and you've calmed down now. But I'd

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Speaker 2: meet somebody and you know, I'd be mad within the

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Speaker 2: first week, you know, would be amazingly in love and

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Speaker 2: he'd be the most toxic human.

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Speaker 3: That ever lived in the world. But we were moving

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Speaker 3: in and.

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Speaker 2: You know, it's just everything was always so intense for me,

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Speaker 2: and eventually, I guess when I ran into drugs after idol,

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Speaker 2: that was the perfect storm.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So it's sort of you have that personality trade

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Speaker 1: that was in your DNA that you were going to commit.

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Speaker 1: You just weren't sure.

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Speaker 3: If I was on yeah, I was on yeah.

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Speaker 1: And look, that way of living life is an interesting

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Speaker 1: way of living life. And some people navigate their way

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Speaker 1: through life with that type of drive that yeah, they

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Speaker 1: chase it and they commit one hundred you know, one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent. A lot of those people are very successful.

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Speaker 1: But it's just a cautionary tail, isn't it If that

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Speaker 1: if that drive is pointed in the wrong direction? All

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Speaker 1: help and break list.

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Speaker 2: My dad always used to say to me, if you say, Katy,

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Speaker 2: if you could put ten percent of the effort that

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Speaker 2: you put into using drugs into your life, you would

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Speaker 2: be an incredibly successful human. And he was right, you

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Speaker 2: know what I mean, He's all right, Like if just

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Speaker 2: once I committed to something and I was lost in it,

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Speaker 2: there was really no stopping me.

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Speaker 1: Okay, music, when did that become your become your passion?

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Speaker 3: Always? I grew up around music.

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Speaker 2: My granddad was an incredible singer, incredible tenor you know,

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Speaker 2: he was offered to travel the world with the Pavrotti's

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Speaker 2: and those kinds of singers, but he had he had

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Speaker 2: he had five babies at home and he chose to

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Speaker 2: stay home.

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Speaker 3: He was that kind of guy. And yeah, my house

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Speaker 3: was just always filled with music.

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Speaker 2: You know, all my uncles and my dad played guitar

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Speaker 2: and singing and it was just something that was always

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Speaker 2: just a part of my world.

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Speaker 1: Right. You went on Australian Idol at eighteen, and this

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Speaker 1: is a man sitting here saying I would get terrified

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Speaker 1: if I had to do karaoke at two am and

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Speaker 1: a drunken bar. What where did you get the confidence

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Speaker 1: to at eighteen? Because I've watched the show and when

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Speaker 1: you won it in two thousand and five, it was big.

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Speaker 1: It was before all the PATV and everything else subscribers

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Speaker 1: and that Australian Idol was watched by everyone was talking

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Speaker 1: about it the next day. What made you think, who

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Speaker 1: encouraged you or what drove you to even have a

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Speaker 1: shot at something like that.

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Speaker 2: I guess it was just it was something that I

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Speaker 2: was good at and it's taken me a lot of

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Speaker 2: years to be able to say that, and I still

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Speaker 2: stumble over those words. But it was something that I

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Speaker 2: was good at, and it just felt like the natural,

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Speaker 2: Like my family encouraged me, my singing teacher encouraged me,

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Speaker 2: like everybody sort of encouraged me to just go and

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Speaker 2: give this show ago and I auditioned two years before that,

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Speaker 2: both years before or I won. Yeah, and didn't get

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Speaker 2: through the front door. But yeah, I just was something

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Speaker 2: that everybody sort of said that I should do. I

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Speaker 2: was petrified, yeah the whole time. But yeah, I just

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Speaker 2: kept I just kept turning up and doing it. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: it was I guess it just felt like I didn't

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Speaker 2: I wasn't very good at anything else, Like I wasn't

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Speaker 2: good at school. I was never gonna, you know, graduate

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Speaker 2: with honors or anything like.

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Speaker 1: That.

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Speaker 2: Was the only thing that I was really good at

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Speaker 2: and that I felt comfortable to a degree doing and

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Speaker 2: that people took me serious for was music.

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Speaker 3: So I just kind of felt like the thing to do.

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Speaker 1: Right. You had that confidence from the people around you,

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Speaker 1: and you knew that you had had a skill set there. Okay,

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Speaker 1: you were knocked back for the first two auditions. I

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Speaker 1: would imagine that attacks your self esteem to a degree too.

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Speaker 1: You roll up there, you think everyone around you has

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Speaker 1: been telling you you're great, you could win this, and

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Speaker 1: you rock up and they got.

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Speaker 3: Hyeah, no no deal. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: And I was sixteen the first time I auditioned, so

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Speaker 2: you know, pretty vulnerable. But yeah, you know what, to

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Speaker 2: be totally honest, I don't remember those times a lot.

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Speaker 2: I as I said to you earlier, like I spent

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Speaker 2: so much on my childhood and so much of those

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Speaker 2: teenage years just so disgustingly uncomfortable in my skin and

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Speaker 2: just riddled with so much anxiety that I almost felt

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Speaker 2: like I lived in a disassociated state from myself. I

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Speaker 2: would just go through the motions and do things and

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Speaker 2: turn up obviously I was there, but I don't have

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Speaker 2: many core memories of that stuff. Like I can tell

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Speaker 2: you that I was on Australian Idol, and I can

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Speaker 2: tell you that I won, and I can tell you

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Speaker 2: that I've done lots of incredible things, but I don't

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Speaker 2: necessarily remember it. And that's a really it saddens me

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Speaker 2: to say that, but yeah, I just they're not memories

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Speaker 2: that I that I have, Right.

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Speaker 1: Is that because of what you've been through and that

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Speaker 1: I suppose you shuffle your memories along and you've seen

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Speaker 1: a lot more extreme since then. Is it? Where have

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Speaker 1: you lost those memories? Because I I think, like you

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Speaker 1: look back at they were formative years as a teenager

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Speaker 1: and yeah, stepping into adulthood and you know what that

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Speaker 1: journey you went on when you won Australian idol at eighteen,

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Speaker 1: that was an incredible journey.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, I've done all kinds of wonderful

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Speaker 2: things since then, Like I you know, I got to

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Speaker 2: travel through Europe with my family and we talk about

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Speaker 2: it all the time and they go, do you remember this?

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Speaker 2: And I say that I have no recollection of that,

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Speaker 2: and I do put it down to maybe partially the

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Speaker 2: abuse to my brain over the years, partially that and

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Speaker 2: also just as you know, that fight or flight instinct

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Speaker 2: as a young person, that I just was so like

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Speaker 2: this all the time, that I was just existing as

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Speaker 2: opposed to being present right in the world.

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Speaker 1: And you said you weren't comfortable with yourself at the time.

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Speaker 1: What was that about? Where was that coming from? Look?

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Speaker 2: You know, I guess I grew up in those early

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Speaker 2: two thousands where women's bodies were really judged, and it

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Speaker 2: was okay to say what was reminiscing actually just yesterday

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Speaker 2: about the Biggest Loser and the way it was okay

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Speaker 2: to treat those people like the people and contestants on

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Speaker 2: those shows, and it was just so disgusting. And you know,

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Speaker 2: we were taught to believe that that heroin chic tiny

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Speaker 2: little bodies was what perceived to be beautiful, and if

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Speaker 2: you weren't that, you were no one. And I wasn't that,

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Speaker 2: especially within the industry that I was trying to step into.

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Speaker 3: You know, it was so.

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Speaker 2: Important, and it was every bit, if not more important

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Speaker 2: that you would look a certain way that you could sing.

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Speaker 3: You know, it was it was such a big deal.

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Speaker 2: And I grabbed onto that messaging and that storyline and

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Speaker 2: it just became my core belief, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: I just really truly believed if I didn't look a

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Speaker 2: certain way, then I was I wasn't enough. And you know,

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Speaker 2: I guess that got confirmed for me in the industry.

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Speaker 2: And look, I don't blame anybody for that. It's just

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Speaker 2: the way it was.

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Speaker 3: And it happened to hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of

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Speaker 3: other people you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: But there were certain situations that happened in that time

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Speaker 2: that just continued to confirm that belief system for me.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, but you know, even from a little girl

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Speaker 2: in school, I remember there was that popular group of

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Speaker 2: girls that.

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Speaker 3: Were at school and I just always looked at them.

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Speaker 2: I was like, Oh, if I could just look like

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Speaker 2: them and be like them and exist with them, then

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Speaker 2: I'd be okay in the world.

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Speaker 3: So it's just alert behavior.

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Speaker 1: And it can be cruel, can't it. Those childhoods and

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Speaker 1: one of being in with the cool gang, and yeah,

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Speaker 1: it can be cruel. Okay. So when take you back

354
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Speaker 1: two thousand and five, you auditioned for Australian Idol and

355
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Speaker 1: you got all the way through. Take us back to

356
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Speaker 1: those times, because your life changed dramatically from that moment

357
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Speaker 1: you became a well i'd say an over night celebrity.

358
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Speaker 1: But I know you've done a lot of work up

359
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Speaker 1: to it. But what was the process of applying and

360
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,960
Speaker 1: then what did you have to do? Well?

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Speaker 2: I guess the first step was you had to turn

362
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Speaker 2: up an audition with the thousands and there's no judges there,

363
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Speaker 2: there's just producers behind the scenes.

364
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Speaker 3: You go in.

365
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Speaker 2: You sing a song, there's yes or no, pretty easy,

366
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Speaker 2: as simple as that. You go through that process, and

367
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Speaker 2: then if you get past that first big day, they

368
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Speaker 2: take you on to the next stage, which is singing

369
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Speaker 2: in front of the judges, which was the stage in

370
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Speaker 2: the previous years that I'd never got past. When I

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Speaker 2: got in front of the judges, the judges said get

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Speaker 2: out okay. But this third year, yeah, it was a

373
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Speaker 2: different It was a different setup.

374
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Speaker 3: It was the judges had changed.

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Speaker 2: It went from Dicko to Kyle Yep and yeah, then

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Speaker 2: I got through, and then I just kept getting through.

377
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Speaker 2: I just kept going to the next stage, turning up,

378
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,080
Speaker 2: thinking oh this will be like, this will shortly be

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Speaker 2: the end.

380
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Speaker 3: I'll be going home now. And I just just kept

381
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Speaker 3: getting through.

382
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Speaker 1: So when the show, whatever night that was played on

383
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Speaker 1: and you're performing, then the next day people would have

384
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Speaker 1: been interested in you. Did you realize your life was

385
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Speaker 1: changing the further you went up in the competition?

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Speaker 2: I mean, yes, life had definitely changed. You know what,

387
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Speaker 2: once I got into that top twelve, you really locked well,

388
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Speaker 2: I was really locked up in a bubble. And again,

389
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Speaker 2: it wasn't social media wasn't a thing there wasn't TikTok

390
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,639
Speaker 2: and Instagram and followers and any of that stuff. So

391
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Speaker 2: I guess I had no concept of what was happening

392
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Speaker 2: outside of this little bubble that I lived in, which

393
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Speaker 2: was basically a house with twelve people, from the house

394
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Speaker 2: to the studio to the house to the studio until

395
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,480
Speaker 2: I went a bit further down and we would go

396
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Speaker 2: into like shopping centers and back when shopping center performances

397
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Speaker 2: and appearances were really a big thing, and then all

398
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Speaker 2: of a sudden there were.

399
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Speaker 3: These groups of like lots of people turning up. But yeah,

400
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:33,560
Speaker 3: like I guess it was.

401
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,280
Speaker 2: I didn't realize the magnitude of what was going on

402
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:41,399
Speaker 2: out there until it was over and you get you know,

403
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,200
Speaker 2: when the winner is k de Rouge and then his

404
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,720
Speaker 2: manager comes out and sort of takes you off, and

405
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,800
Speaker 2: you go through this whirlwind of interviews and then you

406
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,680
Speaker 2: sort of out on the street in the real world,

407
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,040
Speaker 2: and you know, and I feel a bit of saying this,

408
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,040
Speaker 2: but like everybody knew my name, and it was very bizarre,

409
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,200
Speaker 2: and not everybody knew my name in a good way.

410
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,000
Speaker 2: It was a really divided like some people on the

411
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,680
Speaker 2: street like yeah, ok, D hooray.

412
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Speaker 3: And then other people like screw you shouldn't have won

413
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:08,719
Speaker 3: your shit. So it was it's as lot as an

414
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:10,760
Speaker 3: eighteen year old kid to I guess walk into.

415
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Speaker 1: I was going to say, that is so much to take,

416
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,359
Speaker 1: like any profile or public profile if you appear in media,

417
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Speaker 1: and I spent years in the in the police, fronting

418
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,320
Speaker 1: up to media conferences, and it's intimidating in for someone

419
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:27,119
Speaker 1: that's you know, a lot older than eighteen, as an

420
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Speaker 1: eighteen year old and then rocking up to do interviews

421
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Speaker 1: and all that. I would imagine and maybe maybe you didn't,

422
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,080
Speaker 1: but you'd feel like a bit of an imposter syndrome

423
00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:39,320
Speaker 1: too in that environment and what's all this attention about me?

424
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,920
Speaker 1: Do they actually know who I am?

425
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,080
Speaker 2: And I would get this feeling, and again that feeling

426
00:19:45,119 --> 00:19:47,280
Speaker 2: of you know, carried through with me all the time.

427
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,800
Speaker 2: I'd be like imposter syndrome, Like one day someone I'm

428
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,199
Speaker 2: going to wake up here and someone's going to come

429
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,640
Speaker 2: in and be like, sorry, we've made a terrible mistake.

430
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,840
Speaker 2: You could just pop off back to Bendigo where you

431
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,520
Speaker 2: you know, just and obviously that never happened, but that

432
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,080
Speaker 2: was the feeling all the time. And there wasn't years

433
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,639
Speaker 2: of practice or years of knowledge. And I was just

434
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:06,920
Speaker 2: a country kid from Bendigo.

435
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:07,159
Speaker 3: You know.

436
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:11,000
Speaker 2: I liked wearing tracksuit pants and baggy clothes and really

437
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,760
Speaker 2: didn't know anything about that. And I would I'd turn

438
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,160
Speaker 2: up to radio stations looking like I just rolled out

439
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,960
Speaker 2: of bed because I didn't know that there was anything.

440
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,160
Speaker 2: I didn't know I was meant to do it any

441
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 2: other I was a terrible famous person.

442
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,840
Speaker 1: Gap the tracksuit nug boots didn't cover it.

443
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 3: I was just terrible. No, I didn't know.

444
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,080
Speaker 2: Nobody mentioned to me, I've got to get up at

445
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,960
Speaker 2: four thirty and go to this radio station where no

446
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,560
Speaker 2: one can see you, but I need you to look

447
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,399
Speaker 2: a million dollars Like nobody mentioned that stuff to me. Hindsight,

448
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,800
Speaker 2: it's probably common sense, but you know, I was just

449
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,120
Speaker 2: continued to be the cake that I'd always been.

450
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,920
Speaker 3: And so yeah, the truth was I probably wasn't. I

451
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,199
Speaker 3: wasn't very good at being famous.

452
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,600
Speaker 1: It weren't ready for at the time. Did you have

453
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,680
Speaker 1: people around you advising you and all that, like people

454
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 1: that all? Was it that you just caught up in

455
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,919
Speaker 1: this cocktail of people go out and want you hear

456
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,320
Speaker 1: want you there, and did you have anyone actually looking

457
00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:59,399
Speaker 1: out for your interests that was giving you some sage

458
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:00,320
Speaker 1: advice time?

459
00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:04,800
Speaker 2: No, no, not back then it was just these you know,

460
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,720
Speaker 2: there was a management, a record label and an agent

461
00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,840
Speaker 2: and they just you just think.

462
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,679
Speaker 3: I think it was very much sincos. We didn't work

463
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,760
Speaker 3: it out and do it or you know, get out

464
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:16,360
Speaker 3: of here.

465
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,959
Speaker 1: You you didn't even get through the show about controversy

466
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,560
Speaker 1: because you know, you talked about body image and that

467
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,480
Speaker 1: and Kyle Sandlan's managed to put his big foot in

468
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,560
Speaker 1: it and that. Yeah, that's not the type of publicity

469
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,320
Speaker 1: you want to be caught up in that age as well.

470
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,680
Speaker 1: Tell us what happened there and how do you handled that? Well?

471
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean by that point I'd already pretty much

472
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,919
Speaker 2: cemented for myself that you know, I was not attractive

473
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,960
Speaker 2: and that kind of stuff, and that I should have

474
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,520
Speaker 2: felt shame about my body. But you know, I went

475
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 2: exactly the way you would imagine it to an eighteen

476
00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:53,480
Speaker 2: year old girl standing on national television and some do

477
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,080
Speaker 2: telling you to cover up your body.

478
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,560
Speaker 3: Like it didn't It didn't feel good.

479
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:02,000
Speaker 2: But also yeah, for some reason, it just was water

480
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,200
Speaker 2: off a ducks back by that point because it was like, oh, yeah,

481
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,840
Speaker 2: I know that you tell me something I don't know,

482
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,480
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it was probably a

483
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,600
Speaker 2: lot more horrific in the moment for everybody else than

484
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,840
Speaker 2: it was for me. But I guess if I could

485
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,320
Speaker 2: go back and talk to Kate of eighteen year eighteen

486
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,840
Speaker 2: years old, I'd probably give her a bit of a

487
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:20,280
Speaker 2: hug there.

488
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,639
Speaker 3: She probably needed one. But you know, and this is

489
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:24,439
Speaker 3: the bit that's shocking.

490
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 2: It's TVCV, right, So you know, I got off stage

491
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,399
Speaker 2: and went the show finished that night and Kyle came up.

492
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:31,840
Speaker 2: He said, oh, sorry about that comment, but you're saying

493
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,359
Speaker 2: a bit like shit. So I just needed I just

494
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:34,919
Speaker 2: wanted to get you the sympathy.

495
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,480
Speaker 3: Vote, you know what I mean. So it didn't mean

496
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:39,480
Speaker 3: what it didn't mean for him what it meant to

497
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:40,560
Speaker 3: the rest to everyone else.

498
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, but it was just another layer of controversy.

499
00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,440
Speaker 1: You're finding stardom and you don't want to say it,

500
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,080
Speaker 1: but I'll say it, like that brought your stardom for

501
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,879
Speaker 1: that age that time. Winning a show like that, you're

502
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,199
Speaker 1: going to be recognized on the street. People are going

503
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,119
Speaker 1: to be taking pictures of you. People will come up

504
00:22:58,160 --> 00:22:59,680
Speaker 1: and asked it if they could get a picture of

505
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,639
Speaker 1: you type of thing. How did your process that? Did

506
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,199
Speaker 1: you enjoy it? Yeah? I did?

507
00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:06,639
Speaker 2: Look I enjoyed it when I did, you know what,

508
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,359
Speaker 2: I did enjoy it. And it was nice to feel important,

509
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,680
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I'd wanted that feeling my

510
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 2: whole life. I always, you know, thought if I was

511
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,040
Speaker 2: popular and cool that I'd be okay. And I guess

512
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:19,560
Speaker 2: being thrown out into that world kind.

513
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,640
Speaker 3: Of gave me that in a way.

514
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,200
Speaker 2: So yeah, of course, when people are coming up to

515
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,360
Speaker 2: you on the street asking for pictures and signatures, it's

516
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,960
Speaker 2: like I'd be lying if I didn't say it felt good.

517
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,119
Speaker 1: Right, So tell us the good times from there. So

518
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,560
Speaker 1: what happens after you when a show like that? How

519
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 1: did your life change for you?

520
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:42,200
Speaker 2: I changed in the you know, change in every single way.

521
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:46,440
Speaker 2: You know, I became a household name, you know. I

522
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,720
Speaker 2: everything looked different, you know. I was traveling all over

523
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,920
Speaker 2: Australia doing all kinds of things. I was doing stuff

524
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,879
Speaker 2: that little girls still dream about, you know, looking in

525
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,320
Speaker 2: the marrassing and into their hairbrush.

526
00:23:58,359 --> 00:23:58,879
Speaker 1: I was doing it.

527
00:23:58,920 --> 00:23:59,919
Speaker 3: I was living it, and you know, I.

528
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:03,880
Speaker 2: Was singing at AFL Grand Finals and all of these,

529
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 2: you know, tens of thousands of people and in front

530
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 2: of you know, people often ask me, especially after where

531
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,439
Speaker 2: life went from there when it wasn't so good, they

532
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,119
Speaker 2: always go, oh, do you regret it?

533
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 3: And would you take it back if you could? And

534
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,280
Speaker 3: it's absolutely not. Like it was the stuff that dreams

535
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:20,280
Speaker 3: are made of. I got to live.

536
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,719
Speaker 2: I got to live the dream and make film clips

537
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,400
Speaker 2: and release songs and have number ones and win arias

538
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,119
Speaker 2: and rub shoulders with all the big important I call

539
00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 2: them real famous people, like people that took ages to

540
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,240
Speaker 2: get famous, you know, like those.

541
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,960
Speaker 3: Kinds of people that I grew up watching or that

542
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 3: I grew up listening to. I got to be a

543
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,840
Speaker 3: part of all that, and I wouldn't give that back

544
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:42,400
Speaker 3: for the world.

545
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,640
Speaker 1: Did the highs that you get performing I would imagine

546
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,680
Speaker 1: in front of a crowd and hanging on watching your performance,

547
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,280
Speaker 1: coming to see you, and that you walk off stage,

548
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,920
Speaker 1: what do you have? Hang on to the high for

549
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 1: a bit, and then you hit hit loads. You're trying

550
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:01,840
Speaker 1: to chase that the whole time.

551
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:04,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, I.

552
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,080
Speaker 2: Guess, you know, if I'm to be totally honest, I

553
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:12,119
Speaker 2: guess I got introduced to drugs pretty quickly after that.

554
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 2: That was when that all sort of those two worlds collided.

555
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:20,600
Speaker 2: So I was chasing highs, yes, from the performances, and

556
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,040
Speaker 2: I did enjoy them. I and I you know, would

557
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,960
Speaker 2: come off stage and be present, I guess with the

558
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 2: band or whoever was around at the time, But you know,

559
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 2: I started chasing other things pretty quickly because there's an energy.

560
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,040
Speaker 1: I would imagine you come off stage with an energy,

561
00:25:36,119 --> 00:25:40,160
Speaker 1: and I never like I look at the world renowned

562
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,880
Speaker 1: rock stars and think, how do they come down from

563
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 1: performing in front of one hundred thousand people when the

564
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,880
Speaker 1: whole energy is hinging all everything they say, do move

565
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 1: and that? How do they come down? And when yeah,

566
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,560
Speaker 1: drugs permeate into that world, I saw the go I

567
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: get it, they're looking looking for a high after that,

568
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,800
Speaker 1: How do you match that high or even to come

569
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:01,160
Speaker 1: down one or the other?

570
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:04,159
Speaker 2: Yeah, one hundred percent, And that was the next That

571
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 2: was the only thing that felt better than drugs during

572
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:09,479
Speaker 2: that time was being on stage.

573
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,879
Speaker 3: Yeah, And that was the only thing that matched that feeling.

574
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, when did you when did your first partake in

575
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,440
Speaker 1: illegal drugs? At what stage? Ah? What did I?

576
00:26:22,359 --> 00:26:26,160
Speaker 3: I one idol in the November, probably within six months,

577
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,679
Speaker 3: maybe three months.

578
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,239
Speaker 1: Right, and drugs wasn't a part of your life up

579
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 1: to that point.

580
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,320
Speaker 2: I think I'd done ecstasy once, but I was scared

581
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,720
Speaker 2: of drugs. And I always knew to be scared of drugs,

582
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 2: you know. I always had that, and you know, different

583
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,879
Speaker 2: to what it is now. There's drugs absolutely everywhere and

584
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,159
Speaker 2: it's terrifying. I'm terrified for my own kids. But there

585
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,159
Speaker 2: weren't drugs at school or any of that stuff in

586
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,920
Speaker 2: Bendigo when I was there. You might have the occasional

587
00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:54,160
Speaker 2: about smoke and a joint, but that was a big deal. Yeah,

588
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,719
Speaker 2: And look, I drank a few times and always did

589
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,960
Speaker 2: it to excess every time. You know, the first time

590
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:03,240
Speaker 2: I drank, I drank a bottle of bourbon and vomited

591
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 2: on myself and cheated on my boyfriend.

592
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 3: Like that's just who I am. As I said, I

593
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:09,040
Speaker 3: just do it all extreme, But I didn't mean I

594
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 3: didn't meet drugs, I guess until after idle and the

595
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,440
Speaker 3: first thing I was introduced was cocaine.

596
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,640
Speaker 2: And cocaine is I think, and I'm pretty sure it's

597
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,080
Speaker 2: not changed. Is no different in many industries and worlds,

598
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,439
Speaker 2: especially that corporate world as being handed to beer.

599
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 1: It's not shocking the corporate world, so many worlds that

600
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:33,280
Speaker 1: cocaine is just you're not judged that. Yeah, it's what

601
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:35,639
Speaker 1: happens at the dinner party, what happens at the function,

602
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 1: what happens in the bathroom. Yeah, there's no social stigma

603
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,480
Speaker 1: to it. You would have had the usual warnings growing

604
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:46,639
Speaker 1: up from your parents and the narrative just don't touch drugs.

605
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: Of course, you're eighteen, you've reached a high point in

606
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,760
Speaker 1: your career, short career at that stage, but you've reached

607
00:27:55,800 --> 00:28:00,240
Speaker 1: some dizzy heights, and was anyone trying to walk you

608
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,359
Speaker 1: of the cautionary tale of just be careful, you know,

609
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,399
Speaker 1: if you dabble in this, it might lead to that.

610
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 2: Look, my parents, of course, had always given me those warnings,

611
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,320
Speaker 2: and you know, I knew drugs are bad and all

612
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,280
Speaker 2: of that kind of stuff.

613
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:17,600
Speaker 3: But I guess they were naive too in many ways.

614
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,399
Speaker 2: They wouldn't have had an idea that there would have

615
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:23,600
Speaker 2: been the amount of cocaine floating around at most events

616
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 2: or most situations.

617
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 3: I would find myself into the degree that it was,

618
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 3: And I guess probably and.

619
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 2: One of my big one of my big regrets of

620
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,440
Speaker 2: that time is that I'm really lucky with the family

621
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,159
Speaker 2: that I have and I we're all very close and

622
00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 2: was still very close, and for whatever reason, I pushed

623
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 2: them away through that time.

624
00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:44,960
Speaker 3: You know, I leant towards all of these people that

625
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:48,120
Speaker 3: I've known for thirty seconds and put my life and

626
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,040
Speaker 3: my trust in them rather than the people that I

627
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,480
Speaker 3: knew that I could trust. So yeah, I was just

628
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:53,360
Speaker 3: living life.

629
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:53,640
Speaker 1: You know.

630
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:56,600
Speaker 2: I was just like I am I am something here

631
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,600
Speaker 2: and I'm hanging out with all of these people. And

632
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,600
Speaker 2: you know, the first time that I tried cocaine, you know,

633
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 2: I didn't just have one line, you know, I had

634
00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:07,400
Speaker 2: it and I was like, what is this stuff? And

635
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:08,320
Speaker 2: where do we get more?

636
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:10,440
Speaker 3: And this is what this is what I talk about

637
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:11,360
Speaker 3: with that addiction stuff.

638
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,400
Speaker 2: It's like there were one hundred other people there that day,

639
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,840
Speaker 2: and however, many of those people took drugs, but not

640
00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 2: everybody had the same reaction to them that I did,

641
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:19,719
Speaker 2: you know what I mean?

642
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 3: And that was instant obsession with what I was doing.

643
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,600
Speaker 2: And I knew where that bag was until it was gone,

644
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 2: and when it was gone, my anxiety was instantly through

645
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:31,440
Speaker 2: the roof of like, well, where are we getting more?

646
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 1: You've got the taste and you want the instant Yeah, yeah,

647
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: How long did were you living the high life with that,

648
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: dabbling in the in the cocaine, hanging out with the

649
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: music industry types and touring? How long tell us through

650
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 1: that period of your life.

651
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,080
Speaker 2: Look, I've got to continue having a pretty incredible career

652
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,680
Speaker 2: for a while, and I didn't necessarily use drugs every

653
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,280
Speaker 2: day from that day, but I certainly thought about them,

654
00:29:57,520 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 2: and you know, I knew when they were going to.

655
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 3: Be around me next.

656
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,320
Speaker 2: But you know, from there, I joined a girl group

657
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 2: called the Young Divers, which were, you know, incredibly successful,

658
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,520
Speaker 2: and a whole other chapter of my career that was

659
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:15,760
Speaker 2: unbelievable and unforgettable. But as if I was to put

660
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:17,480
Speaker 2: it on a scale, for a really long time, I

661
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 2: was able to be this keep face for a long

662
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 2: time and do these drugs behind closed doors and keep

663
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,800
Speaker 2: it under wraps and be manageable. But slowly, as it

664
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,600
Speaker 2: always does, those scales started to tip and I started

665
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,800
Speaker 2: to become worse at being this person in the public eye,

666
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,880
Speaker 2: and I guess, you know, the holes started to show

667
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:40,760
Speaker 2: with the behaviors that I was doing, and that took

668
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:41,760
Speaker 2: probably three years.

669
00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 1: To be honest, tell us about the time with the

670
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 1: young divas and the crew that you were touring with. There,

671
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: that would have been a fun, fun, wild time, I

672
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: would imagine.

673
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,120
Speaker 2: Look it was, and it was unexpected, you know, nobody

674
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 2: expected it to do. It was only ever meant to

675
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,600
Speaker 2: be a single and some shows, I think from memory

676
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,880
Speaker 2: it was just meant to be really quick money making thing.

677
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 3: And this time I know, it's for real, came out and.

678
00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 2: Everyone went wild and it just blew up and all

679
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,080
Speaker 2: the people that make all the money were wet their

680
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 2: pants and they're like, oh my god, we've found.

681
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:14,000
Speaker 3: We're on with hit gold.

682
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 2: And it went from what it was meant to be

683
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 2: to two albums and however many shows we did, and

684
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 2: you know, nobody ever wanted it to end, but obviously

685
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:27,240
Speaker 2: it did. But yeah, it was and again it was

686
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:29,719
Speaker 2: incredible that we were touring, We were selling out shows,

687
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:33,600
Speaker 2: we were so busy, we were learning songs on aeroplanes

688
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,440
Speaker 2: on the way to gigs. Yeah, it was an unbelievable

689
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:39,920
Speaker 2: time and another time in my life I wouldn't give

690
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:40,520
Speaker 2: back for the world.

691
00:31:40,560 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 3: It was challenging.

692
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would imagine who was in the who was

693
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 1: in the band?

694
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,239
Speaker 2: First lineup was myself, Emily Williams, Paulini, and Ricky Lee,

695
00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 2: and then Ricky left after the first album, and then

696
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 2: we got Jess Melboy came in. She'd just come off

697
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,600
Speaker 2: the next season of Vital Yeah, she was season four,

698
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 2: I think little she was just a baby, and she

699
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 2: stepped in for Ricky and we did another album and

700
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,720
Speaker 2: another tour and then it all sort of went from there.

701
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: Did the money flow in from that? Did you make

702
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:13,600
Speaker 1: money from it?

703
00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 3: I should have made a lot of money from it, right.

704
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:20,520
Speaker 2: I've never really spoken about this in depth, and I

705
00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 2: have no reason not to, I guess these days, no

706
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,840
Speaker 2: one's ever asked me the question. But you know, we

707
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,880
Speaker 2: were not taking care of through that time. You know,

708
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 2: we were getting paid a lot of money, but not

709
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 2: seeing a lot of money. And I was doing gigs

710
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,200
Speaker 2: that now looking back, knowing that we're worth, you know,

711
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 2: corporate gigs were worth one hundred thousand dollars at those times,

712
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,880
Speaker 2: and I think we were getting fifteen hundred bucks each

713
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,960
Speaker 2: And that's just the way it was.

714
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 3: But we were so young and so inexperienced.

715
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:51,280
Speaker 2: I think that, you know, and I remember trying to

716
00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 2: confront management once or twice or however many times. You know,

717
00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,320
Speaker 2: I grew up around a really smart businessman. My dad's

718
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 2: an incredible businessman and done really well for himself, so

719
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 2: I knew enough to know that things weren't right. And

720
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,200
Speaker 2: whenever I approached the subject of like, oh, can you

721
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,080
Speaker 2: just explain to me where this has gone or where

722
00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:10,440
Speaker 2: that's gone, you know, it was always met with how

723
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:14,400
Speaker 2: ungrateful or or shut down in a major way.

724
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: So it was, you know, yeah, and I'm not I'm

725
00:33:17,320 --> 00:33:19,280
Speaker 1: not saying this is a case. Maybe it is, maybe

726
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:23,480
Speaker 1: it isn't. But you're very exploitable in that position, aren't you.

727
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: Here you are, look the dangling you can perform here,

728
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,080
Speaker 1: perform there, forget the money, I'll do this for nothing.

729
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 1: And then you and then you you look back and

730
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 1: go where did all that money go?

731
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 3: Yeah? Well, hang on a minute, wait a minue, where's

732
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:40,560
Speaker 3: all my money? And yeah, and look there was also

733
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:42,120
Speaker 3: that thing of and I don't know.

734
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 2: If it's still the same with the shows these days,

735
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:47,480
Speaker 2: but they owned my ass for a long time, you know,

736
00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,479
Speaker 2: like between my management there, record label, they were they

737
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 2: owned me, They owned all.

738
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,800
Speaker 1: Of us and this is all contracts you're locked into and.

739
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:58,840
Speaker 3: That you know they there was it was do this,

740
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 3: do it that way, or we'll put you, you know,

741
00:34:02,240 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 3: forget about it. We can find other people.

742
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:07,200
Speaker 1: We can find another one. Did you think your life

743
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,320
Speaker 1: was set? Did you think, now you made it to

744
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,920
Speaker 1: that run, this is your future? Did you did you

745
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 1: see your future as being a performer in the music industry?

746
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 3: I think so.

747
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:18,319
Speaker 1: Yeah.

748
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:21,400
Speaker 2: I guess after that happened, I just I kept just

749
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 2: rolling with what was happening. I never expected, well, I mean,

750
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 2: I never expected it or all to fall apart the

751
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,120
Speaker 2: way that it did anyway, you know, that's not how

752
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,920
Speaker 2: I saw it happening. And I just kept I just

753
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:35,760
Speaker 2: thought there would just always be more work and always

754
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,799
Speaker 2: be more gigs, and I'd always be able to find more.

755
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:40,759
Speaker 2: But I guess as that other part of my life,

756
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 2: that other beast took hold, my interest in it and

757
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:46,839
Speaker 2: my care for it also disappeared.

758
00:34:48,120 --> 00:34:50,400
Speaker 1: Was there anyone that you came across in the industry

759
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:53,960
Speaker 1: that you saw the negative effects of drugs that had

760
00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: been taken down by dabbling in drugs? Something that you Yeah,

761
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,719
Speaker 1: there was a red flag for me. There's a warning

762
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:01,320
Speaker 1: sign and that person was at the top of the

763
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: game and the drugs got hold of them. Did you

764
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,240
Speaker 1: see any of that in the time that you were touring.

765
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:09,799
Speaker 3: No, I never saw it. I never saw it firsthand.

766
00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,399
Speaker 3: I guess I was probably the example at the time.

767
00:35:14,560 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 2: No, Like you hear stories of you know, big rock

768
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,440
Speaker 2: stars and all those people from you know, back in

769
00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 2: the day that lost their way, But no, I'd never

770
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,359
Speaker 2: seen anybody really the way.

771
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 3: As far as I could see, it was just what

772
00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:27,040
Speaker 3: everybody did.

773
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,879
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I have become good friends with him. Rick

774
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,480
Speaker 1: Grossman from the Vinyls and Hodoo Gurus, the bass player,

775
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:37,560
Speaker 1: and he got in the Heroin when he was in

776
00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,520
Speaker 1: the the Vinyls, lost his position in the band there

777
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,560
Speaker 1: because it just became Yeah, he thought he was hiding it,

778
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,919
Speaker 1: but he wasn't actually hiding it and left the band

779
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 1: and then got a second shot at it with the

780
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,960
Speaker 1: Hodoo Gurus and gone on from success to success there.

781
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 1: But he was saying in conversations with him, how it

782
00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 1: creeps up on you. You think you've still got your

783
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,879
Speaker 1: shit together, it's all going well, no one knows, but yeah,

784
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: I'm dabbling in this, but that grabs hold of you.

785
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,000
Speaker 3: I think I did, and I thought for a really,

786
00:36:08,040 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 3: really long time that I would.

787
00:36:09,719 --> 00:36:12,000
Speaker 2: I could stop if I wanted to, And what you

788
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:16,120
Speaker 2: said before, I really thought nobody knew had a really

789
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 2: humbling moment. Recently, I posted a video on TikTok got

790
00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 2: a bit of attention, and it was me talking about

791
00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:25,279
Speaker 2: my experience with idol and drugs and blah blah blah

792
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,680
Speaker 2: blah blah, and I had at least ten people come

793
00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 2: back and say, yeah, I came across you during that time.

794
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:34,680
Speaker 2: You were awful with different choice language, and I was

795
00:36:35,239 --> 00:36:37,439
Speaker 2: I was really taken back. I was like, oh my god,

796
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,960
Speaker 2: like I've always tried to be or thought I was

797
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,040
Speaker 2: trying to be really kind and approachable and all of

798
00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 2: these things, and I just thought during that time, I

799
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:45,840
Speaker 2: was that person, like I was the cake that I

800
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,800
Speaker 2: am today, which is pretty down to earth.

801
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:48,359
Speaker 3: And easy going.

802
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:51,319
Speaker 2: And it was interesting that at least ten people came back, yeah,

803
00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 2: I came across you in this situation and you were

804
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,759
Speaker 2: terrible or you were really rude, and that was you know,

805
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,400
Speaker 2: you think that you've got yourself under control.

806
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,879
Speaker 1: But look, it would be hard night. You know where

807
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,640
Speaker 1: these young footballers go off track, you know, and we're

808
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,080
Speaker 1: talking eight nine erinen year olds that you know, all

809
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:10,680
Speaker 1: of a sudden become famous overnight because of their skills

810
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:14,480
Speaker 1: of on the football field, and we judge them hard

811
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:18,200
Speaker 1: if they misbehavior or whatever. But I reckon it takes

812
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:20,920
Speaker 1: an exceptional person not to get caught up in your

813
00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,520
Speaker 1: own own ego. I spose I suppose the worth is

814
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 1: where everyone and I would imagine that that period of

815
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,080
Speaker 1: your time when you're touring, everyone would have been saying, yes, Kate,

816
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:32,280
Speaker 1: you're great. Get out there and perform, and the audience

817
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,200
Speaker 1: are there cheering, clapping, and you come off stage and

818
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 1: they're cheering. It would be hard to keep that in check,

819
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:42,239
Speaker 1: like keep you keep your balance, I would imagine, keep

820
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,040
Speaker 1: your feet firmly planted on the ground.

821
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 3: Well, the thing that they do.

822
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:49,320
Speaker 2: And I just wish back those I wish there'd just

823
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,200
Speaker 2: been one person that would have told me the truth,

824
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 2: one that would have said, you've lost your shit, Kate,

825
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:57,239
Speaker 2: or pull your shit together, or you know, everybody knows

826
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 2: or whatever, but you're right. Everyone's just like, yeah, OK,

827
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:02,520
Speaker 2: off you go, You're amazing, we love you. And I

828
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,319
Speaker 2: could have walked off stage and saying out of tune

829
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,200
Speaker 2: for the whole show, and everybody would have still told

830
00:38:06,239 --> 00:38:09,520
Speaker 2: me that I was great. And so you walk You're right,

831
00:38:09,520 --> 00:38:12,840
Speaker 2: you're walking around on this false sense of amazingness and

832
00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:17,279
Speaker 2: and and just run by ego and it's not Ego

833
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 2: never ends well for anybody. But yeah, one hundred percent,

834
00:38:19,320 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 2: I just needed one person to be able to be

835
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:22,000
Speaker 2: straight up with me.

836
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, you said you pushed. Whether it was deliberately or

837
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 1: it might have just been in life style you're living

838
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:30,680
Speaker 1: at the time that you sort of stepped away from

839
00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:33,479
Speaker 1: your family and your old friends because they're they're they're

840
00:38:33,560 --> 00:38:35,960
Speaker 1: a great source of bringing you back to reality if

841
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,600
Speaker 1: you've you've lost lost your way. Was that done deliberately

842
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,759
Speaker 1: because you didn't want anyone to rain you in or

843
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,880
Speaker 1: it was just circumstances.

844
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,399
Speaker 2: Probably to Probably as time went on, it was because

845
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 2: I didn't want them to see what I was doing.

846
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:53,440
Speaker 2: But initially it was because I got blindsided by the lights.

847
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:54,680
Speaker 3: I guess, you know.

848
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,680
Speaker 2: Initially it was that I remember, I can't remember, might

849
00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:00,239
Speaker 2: have been management at the time. I think I went

850
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:01,879
Speaker 2: in and said, oh, I spoke to my dad, which

851
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,920
Speaker 2: I do every day and still do. I spoke to

852
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 2: my dad and he suggested this, and I remember one

853
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,440
Speaker 2: of them saying to me, yeah, but your dad's not

854
00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:08,759
Speaker 2: in this.

855
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:10,520
Speaker 3: Industry, what would he know? And I was like, yeah,

856
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 3: or actually, what would he know? And it was just

857
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,879
Speaker 3: stuff like that. I think they wanted to be able

858
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:17,560
Speaker 3: to sort of puppet.

859
00:39:17,719 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 1: I suppose, and I'm putting the accusations that people I've

860
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 1: never met, but I'm just theorizing here. I suppose it's

861
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,920
Speaker 1: in their interest to cut your way from people that

862
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,120
Speaker 1: might pull you away from them, because it's in their

863
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:32,840
Speaker 1: interests just to have you and point you in the

864
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 1: direction and keep pushing you if the money's coming in.

865
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:39,279
Speaker 3: Of course, and we were just money makers at that time.

866
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,600
Speaker 2: And again, look, I've shared a lot of things in

867
00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:43,359
Speaker 2: this in the last twenty minutes that I haven't really

868
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:45,279
Speaker 2: talked about before, again because no one's asked me. But

869
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,560
Speaker 2: I'm not bitter or angry about any of this stuff anymore.

870
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:51,200
Speaker 2: And I appreciate that it's just the way the industry

871
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 2: was then. You know, It's not I wasn't the only

872
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 2: one that had happened to and I'm not poor me

873
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 2: and you know, all that stuff.

874
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:57,959
Speaker 3: Pity.

875
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 2: It's just the way that it's just the way that

876
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:03,920
Speaker 2: it works, and it was happening to everybody, but yeah, they.

877
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 3: Had an outcome and they had a vision and they

878
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:07,160
Speaker 3: did what they had to do to make it work

879
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:07,520
Speaker 3: that way.

880
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:09,840
Speaker 1: And there's a trade off for you, like the benefits

881
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:12,359
Speaker 1: for you as well as benefits for them. So it's

882
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:14,000
Speaker 1: not you know, it's not a one way street or

883
00:40:14,080 --> 00:40:17,160
Speaker 1: take take like you're getting benefits and living the dream

884
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 1: as you said in the Pop Star traveling around the

885
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:25,680
Speaker 1: country and yeah, enjoying yourself. Okay, drugs. Talk us through

886
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:28,279
Speaker 1: the build up of it, like the start off at

887
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 1: cocaine Okay, after party, after the concert, you do a

888
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:36,080
Speaker 1: couple of lines of cocaine. When did it become well,

889
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:38,359
Speaker 1: I can't enjoy myself if I haven't got cocaine. When

890
00:40:38,400 --> 00:40:39,760
Speaker 1: did it get to that point.

891
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 3: Instantly for me? Yep, it didn't. It was not a

892
00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 3: slow burn for me.

893
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,480
Speaker 2: It was I'd met this thing and it was might

894
00:40:50,560 --> 00:40:53,440
Speaker 2: became my everything and I didn't know how to or

895
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 2: I very rarely would go to any kind of social

896
00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:01,799
Speaker 2: anything without drugs on me with cocaine, and it wasn't

897
00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,800
Speaker 2: ever one or two lines. It was one or two bags,

898
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:06,440
Speaker 2: and it was as much as I could. It was

899
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:08,280
Speaker 2: until I couldn't find anymore.

900
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:12,000
Speaker 1: Always And were you paying for it in these days

901
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,440
Speaker 1: or was this just that the industry? There was always

902
00:41:14,480 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 1: stuff floating around.

903
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:18,040
Speaker 2: I mean, you'd get a little bit like I'll call

904
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:20,320
Speaker 2: them the normal people that use cocaine. I shouldn't say that,

905
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 2: but yes, there's normal people that can go out and

906
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:24,440
Speaker 2: have two lines of coke and go home and get

907
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 2: back to their lives the next day.

908
00:41:25,840 --> 00:41:29,279
Speaker 3: Those people exist, and good on them, not me, But

909
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:31,160
Speaker 3: you know, I.

910
00:41:32,680 --> 00:41:35,279
Speaker 2: Wanted to take it further always, so there was there

911
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:36,879
Speaker 2: might be a you know, I might get a line

912
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:38,640
Speaker 2: or two here, but there would I would always have

913
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 2: my own supply that I would bring and pay for it.

914
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:44,759
Speaker 1: Yeap. When did you ever have a moment to where

915
00:41:44,800 --> 00:41:47,000
Speaker 1: and you don't have to go into all the gory details,

916
00:41:47,080 --> 00:41:49,400
Speaker 1: but have a moment when you're gone, oh shit, like

917
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,840
Speaker 1: look what I've done because yeah, I've been on the

918
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:55,120
Speaker 1: bendor for for the eight hours. Did you ever have

919
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:59,000
Speaker 1: that moment where you're thinking, maybe this is not the

920
00:41:59,040 --> 00:41:59,879
Speaker 1: best thing to be doing.

921
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, definitely. There would be a lot of There

922
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,200
Speaker 2: would be times when I'd have to get to work

923
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,200
Speaker 2: and I hadn't been to bed, and I, you know,

924
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:10,759
Speaker 2: I was feeling it's you know, be up for two

925
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,880
Speaker 2: days and then have to try and gather myself and

926
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 2: get my head in the game and turn up to

927
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,160
Speaker 2: an important gig or an important whatever, or get to

928
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:19,840
Speaker 2: an airport.

929
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,440
Speaker 3: Yeah. I never felt good in those moments, but it

930
00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:25,279
Speaker 3: was never enough to stop me.

931
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:28,840
Speaker 1: Sadly, any of the people you're performing, we've give you

932
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,920
Speaker 1: a nudge and say, hey, you know, we've got to perform.

933
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:35,680
Speaker 1: I read one article about you that someone that with

934
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:39,160
Speaker 1: you said we didn't realize how bad it was because

935
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,719
Speaker 1: she always turned up and always was on time. Is

936
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:46,479
Speaker 1: that just part of your masking? Or people anyone close

937
00:42:46,520 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 1: to you that you're touring with or living the lifestyle,

938
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,800
Speaker 1: we'd give you a tap on the shoulder.

939
00:42:51,239 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 2: I think I'm from memory and I couldn't tell you

940
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:56,520
Speaker 2: what she said, but I'm fairly sure Emily, who I

941
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 2: did my season of Idol with, and I you know her,

942
00:42:59,239 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 2: and I have a lot of love for her and

943
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:01,560
Speaker 2: always will.

944
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,239
Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure she pulled me aside. She did.

945
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,520
Speaker 2: I don't think she necessarily knew exactly what was going on,

946
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,200
Speaker 2: but she knew something wasn't right, and she pulled me

947
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:10,120
Speaker 2: up and said, you know, something's not right.

948
00:43:10,480 --> 00:43:13,160
Speaker 3: Get your shit together like it was, you know, but no,

949
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 3: not really.

950
00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: Okay, how long was the cocaine dream going for before

951
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:21,280
Speaker 1: you started other drugs? And what were those drugs?

952
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 3: I don't know.

953
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 2: I guess the other ones just started to sprinkle their

954
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,759
Speaker 2: way in along the way, you know, you start taking

955
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:30,600
Speaker 2: a bit of ecstasy and different party drugs. But the

956
00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 2: one that got me, that I that really made me unwell,

957
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 2: which is one that people don't talk about a lot,

958
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 2: but I think it's a really dangerous one and one

959
00:43:38,080 --> 00:43:40,720
Speaker 2: that needs to be spoken about, especially in younger kids,

960
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:42,440
Speaker 2: is nitrous oxide.

961
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:44,080
Speaker 1: Okay, talk us through that.

962
00:43:44,680 --> 00:43:47,960
Speaker 2: So nitros oxide is it's a gas, obviously, and it's

963
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:50,239
Speaker 2: the gas that you get at the dentist or when

964
00:43:50,239 --> 00:43:53,479
Speaker 2: you're having a baby, or you know, it's a medical gas.

965
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 2: But it can be purchased pretty easily. I won't go

966
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 2: into the details of how because no, you know, I won't,

967
00:43:58,960 --> 00:44:00,799
Speaker 2: But you know, it was something that I could accept

968
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,279
Speaker 2: and I didn't have to rely on anybody else to

969
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:07,440
Speaker 2: get it, and it was basically felt like an anesthetic,

970
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:09,200
Speaker 2: and it was something that I could have all day,

971
00:44:09,239 --> 00:44:10,919
Speaker 2: every day with me, and it was something that became

972
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:13,520
Speaker 2: an extension of who I was. I had it all

973
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 2: the time, and I breathed it like and I inhaled

974
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 2: it like oxygen. And that's when the that's when the

975
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:23,800
Speaker 2: wheels really started to fall off, because I it was

976
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:29,200
Speaker 2: affecting my health, depleted my body of B twelve maybe

977
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:34,160
Speaker 2: really sick and you know, I'm fairly sure, which basically

978
00:44:34,239 --> 00:44:36,040
Speaker 2: cuts off the oxygen to your brain for a short

979
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 2: period of time. So I guess it's not dissimilar to

980
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,839
Speaker 2: maybe chroming maybe what the kids do now. But yeah,

981
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:47,800
Speaker 2: it really did some damage to my life in all ways.

982
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:50,960
Speaker 2: That's when I started to lose things. I started to

983
00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:54,080
Speaker 2: lose friends, I started to lose relationships. I started to

984
00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:58,000
Speaker 2: lose jobs because I couldn't. I stopped being able to

985
00:44:58,080 --> 00:44:58,480
Speaker 2: turn up.

986
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, when those things were happening, did you just well,

987
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:06,719
Speaker 1: I don't care, like I'm living my life. Don't try

988
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,400
Speaker 1: and ram me in. What was the attitude that you

989
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 1: had that kept you not fully appreciating what you were doing?

990
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:16,480
Speaker 3: Oh, look, it's a bit of jecky. There's two parts

991
00:45:16,520 --> 00:45:18,759
Speaker 3: of me in this, and you know, I there's the

992
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,360
Speaker 3: addict part of me, and that is a part of me,

993
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:22,759
Speaker 3: I guess.

994
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 2: But you know, there's also Kate and and I was

995
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:28,360
Speaker 2: both of these people, and I was at war with myself.

996
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:30,240
Speaker 2: But I guess the addict part of me was getting

997
00:45:30,239 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 2: bigger and bigger and bigger. And of course when things

998
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 2: went wrong, I would be devastated and I'd cry, and

999
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:36,319
Speaker 2: I'd get hysterical and I'd play up.

1000
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:39,320
Speaker 3: But I just wasn't able to stop.

1001
00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:43,359
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think unless I truly believe, unless you've

1002
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 2: ever felt that feeling or been in that situation, or

1003
00:45:48,160 --> 00:45:51,799
Speaker 2: truly been addicted to something, it's insanity. There's no two

1004
00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:53,880
Speaker 2: ways about it. Like from an outside of looking in,

1005
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,400
Speaker 2: you go, fuck excuse my lone, but just fucking stop it,

1006
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:57,120
Speaker 2: Like what.

1007
00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:57,600
Speaker 3: Are you doing?

1008
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,239
Speaker 2: Look at your life crumbling to the ground, And I'm

1009
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:03,680
Speaker 2: sitting there going I know, but I can't, can't stop.

1010
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 1: So it was it can't it was it wasn't I

1011
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:10,640
Speaker 1: don't want to stop. Part of you in the good case,

1012
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:14,200
Speaker 1: part of the brains going you need to stop. I

1013
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,160
Speaker 1: want to stop. I want to stop this. But the

1014
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:17,880
Speaker 1: addiction is you couldn't stop it.

1015
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:20,560
Speaker 3: I couldn't. I just couldn't. I didn't know how to

1016
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 3: do life without it. I just didn't and it. Yeah,

1017
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:24,480
Speaker 3: and like the.

1018
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:27,799
Speaker 2: Relationships that I lost, you know, I lost a really

1019
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:32,719
Speaker 2: long term relationship with a beautiful human, you know, and

1020
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,040
Speaker 2: I didn't want to lose that. And of course I

1021
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,919
Speaker 2: cared when I lost it, like it broke my heart

1022
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,920
Speaker 2: and it still breaks my heart today, you know.

1023
00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:42,560
Speaker 1: But did that relationship end because of the ship way

1024
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,320
Speaker 1: you were acting? Was that the part of it?

1025
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 3: Essentially? Essentially?

1026
00:46:46,560 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 2: Essentially my parents came and got me out of that

1027
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 2: house with him and said, you need to let her go. Yeah,

1028
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 2: you know, they broke up with my boyfriend for me essentially.

1029
00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:00,160
Speaker 1: But that's it. That's interesting, isn't it. So the breakicking

1030
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,160
Speaker 1: up on behalf of your boyfriend saving your boyfriend rather

1031
00:47:03,280 --> 00:47:05,360
Speaker 1: than you like you say, yeah.

1032
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:07,600
Speaker 3: Okay, let it go mate. I remember they came and

1033
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:08,960
Speaker 3: got me and they said, just.

1034
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:13,520
Speaker 1: Let it go. Yeah. Heavy stuff, Okay, the drug ice?

1035
00:47:14,520 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 1: When did you? And how and why? And I say this,

1036
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:21,520
Speaker 1: and I say this to all people because there's different

1037
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:26,719
Speaker 1: levels of drugs and there's even like a pecking order

1038
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,360
Speaker 1: of Okay, well someone does cocaine, and that's socially acceptable

1039
00:47:30,719 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 1: heroin in its day, just a junkie heroin. Why would

1040
00:47:34,760 --> 00:47:37,959
Speaker 1: you touch ice? How did that happen? Because you would

1041
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:40,359
Speaker 1: have had the warnings and I'm sure when you were

1042
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:43,880
Speaker 1: going through the cake stage, I just do the lines

1043
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:45,800
Speaker 1: of cake. I wouldn't touch ice. You'd have to be

1044
00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:48,399
Speaker 1: mad to touch ice. How do you get to that point?

1045
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:53,040
Speaker 3: You just do? You know, that's just the progression of it.

1046
00:47:53,280 --> 00:47:54,719
Speaker 2: And as I said to you, by the time I

1047
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 2: met the time I tried ice, I was so far

1048
00:47:59,239 --> 00:48:02,360
Speaker 2: down the rabbit I wouldn't have cared what it was.

1049
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:06,200
Speaker 3: I was so I was lost and just so.

1050
00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:12,240
Speaker 2: Filled with pain and just hatred for myself and for everything.

1051
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:14,440
Speaker 2: I would have done anything to make the pain stop,

1052
00:48:14,600 --> 00:48:17,080
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And I had no skills

1053
00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:19,320
Speaker 2: as to how to do life without drugs, and the

1054
00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:22,640
Speaker 2: drugs that I was doing weren't working anymore, and I

1055
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:25,279
Speaker 2: couldn't afford the drugs that I was using.

1056
00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:25,880
Speaker 3: All that stuff.

1057
00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:29,680
Speaker 2: It was just and so of course, I'm sure, I'm

1058
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,160
Speaker 2: sure I knew on a subconscious level that ice probably

1059
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:32,759
Speaker 2: wasn't going.

1060
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:34,759
Speaker 3: To end well for me. But when I and I

1061
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:37,640
Speaker 3: was and I was really you know, strung out and

1062
00:48:38,200 --> 00:48:41,400
Speaker 3: not well, and I didn't feel good and I was tired,

1063
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:43,719
Speaker 3: and then I and then I had tried ICE for

1064
00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:45,200
Speaker 3: the first time. And I'm not going to lie to you, Like,

1065
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:47,400
Speaker 3: initially Ice, I thought it made me a better person.

1066
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:53,160
Speaker 2: That's a delusion, I know, initially, and I'm sure you've

1067
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:56,960
Speaker 2: seen it yourself, and you know Ice, the people on

1068
00:48:57,080 --> 00:49:01,120
Speaker 2: Ice are so deluded and remove from reality. But I

1069
00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:03,920
Speaker 2: really thought in the beginning that I was better. Like

1070
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,600
Speaker 2: I was able to function, I was able to get

1071
00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:09,600
Speaker 2: stuff done. I didn't look a mess, you know what

1072
00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:13,200
Speaker 2: I mean. Like it changed the way I appeared for

1073
00:49:13,239 --> 00:49:16,560
Speaker 2: a little while, obviously, until it didn't. But by the

1074
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 2: time I met that drug, there was no consequential thinking

1075
00:49:22,200 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 2: left in me. I was just doing whatever I needed

1076
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:26,600
Speaker 2: to do to get the outcome that I was chasing.

1077
00:49:26,960 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, so it's interesting hearing your story and appreciate you

1078
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:35,640
Speaker 1: being so open with it that you've got into the coke.

1079
00:49:36,680 --> 00:49:39,879
Speaker 1: You're starting to hate yourself and so okay, well, what's

1080
00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:43,080
Speaker 1: the matter If I dabbling nice at this stage, you've

1081
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 1: hit low, I'll go lower. Who cares? Like, Look, yeah,

1082
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:50,719
Speaker 1: were you still performing at that stage? No?

1083
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 3: I lost the lot by then? Oh god, it's all

1084
00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:55,000
Speaker 3: such a mess.

1085
00:49:55,160 --> 00:49:56,120
Speaker 1: But in my mind.

1086
00:49:56,320 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 3: But look, I was hanging onto a career with the

1087
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:03,600
Speaker 3: grim you know what I mean. Like I had also gone.

1088
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:06,359
Speaker 2: Into a deep depression after the Divas finished, and I'd

1089
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:10,000
Speaker 2: put on about sixty kilos, you know, that food addiction.

1090
00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 2: My parents had come and got me from Sydney and

1091
00:50:12,320 --> 00:50:13,880
Speaker 2: taken me out of my life and brought me back

1092
00:50:13,920 --> 00:50:17,000
Speaker 2: home to Bendigo to try and fix me up. So

1093
00:50:17,280 --> 00:50:19,359
Speaker 2: I guess the drugs and everything that I was doing

1094
00:50:20,880 --> 00:50:22,720
Speaker 2: weren't available anymore.

1095
00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:23,800
Speaker 3: So I really got.

1096
00:50:23,680 --> 00:50:26,439
Speaker 2: Into drinking heavily. I just would move to whatever was next,

1097
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:29,400
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Drinking and food really played

1098
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:31,719
Speaker 2: back up in my life. Food was what I just

1099
00:50:32,040 --> 00:50:35,040
Speaker 2: buried myself in overeating. But you know, I had a

1100
00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:37,200
Speaker 2: manager along the way, a different manager that i'd found

1101
00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:40,720
Speaker 2: that really always still believed in me. And I wrote

1102
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:44,520
Speaker 2: some music and recorded some music and went I got

1103
00:50:44,560 --> 00:50:47,360
Speaker 2: a gastric sleeve, so I lost all this weight and

1104
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:53,200
Speaker 2: I got offered this radio job in Marucci Door, filling

1105
00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:55,960
Speaker 2: in for this breakfast show. And everybody said, Kate, this

1106
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:59,200
Speaker 2: is the worst idea ever. Do not go to Marucci

1107
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:02,279
Speaker 2: Door on your own for three months.

1108
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:03,680
Speaker 3: And I was like, no, no, no, I've got it.

1109
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:05,440
Speaker 3: I'm a grown up, I'm a grown ass woman. I'll

1110
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:07,239
Speaker 3: do what i want to do. This is exactly what

1111
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:08,200
Speaker 3: I need for my career.

1112
00:51:08,239 --> 00:51:11,320
Speaker 2: And that was I just become a full blown alcoholic

1113
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:14,520
Speaker 2: and lost that job and then met this guy one

1114
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:16,600
Speaker 2: night who had an ice pipe.

1115
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 3: Yep, and that was it. That was I'm used And

1116
00:51:21,040 --> 00:51:22,960
Speaker 3: that was the beginning of the end.

1117
00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:26,640
Speaker 1: Really it must have been like soul destroying for yourself,

1118
00:51:26,719 --> 00:51:28,840
Speaker 1: but you didn't have the proper perspective on that. But

1119
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:32,279
Speaker 1: your family bringing you back to the farm, trying to

1120
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 1: really working hard to get the old Kate back all

1121
00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:39,359
Speaker 1: those steps and then it's blowing again.

1122
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, and they were desperate, and you know, I look

1123
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:45,399
Speaker 2: back on those times and the desperation in their their

1124
00:51:45,480 --> 00:51:49,120
Speaker 2: eyes have just like just shut up, Kate and just listen,

1125
00:51:49,320 --> 00:51:52,000
Speaker 2: like just trust. But you know, as I said, I

1126
00:51:52,120 --> 00:51:54,279
Speaker 2: was just so far gone and I just was so

1127
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,160
Speaker 2: unable to live without I was just mad.

1128
00:51:58,280 --> 00:52:00,719
Speaker 1: Was it harder having seen the bright lights of the

1129
00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:04,680
Speaker 1: stardom phase of your life and then stepping away from

1130
00:52:04,719 --> 00:52:06,960
Speaker 1: that at that point in time because you lost all

1131
00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:09,719
Speaker 1: that was that? Yeah, if you hadn't seen that side

1132
00:52:09,719 --> 00:52:11,719
Speaker 1: of life. You didn't even know it existed. You dream

1133
00:52:11,760 --> 00:52:15,439
Speaker 1: about it. That's a life that other people live having

1134
00:52:15,520 --> 00:52:18,399
Speaker 1: seen that life? Was it hard when you lost that life?

1135
00:52:19,280 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 3: Of course, and incredibly embarrassing and shameful. And I was

1136
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,440
Speaker 3: probably a bit delusional around that for a long time,

1137
00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:28,000
Speaker 3: held onto something that was gone.

1138
00:52:28,719 --> 00:52:31,680
Speaker 2: You know, I'd really burn a lot of bridges through

1139
00:52:31,760 --> 00:52:37,759
Speaker 2: that time. You know, my name had mud all over it.

1140
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 2: You know, I'd really done some damage in the within

1141
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 2: the industry. And it sounds like a big place to be,

1142
00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,840
Speaker 2: but it's not. You know, it's a small it's a

1143
00:52:44,920 --> 00:52:45,520
Speaker 2: small world.

1144
00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:49,880
Speaker 3: So yeah, of course it was. And I had to

1145
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:51,840
Speaker 3: grieve it, and it took me years to do that.

1146
00:52:51,960 --> 00:52:54,480
Speaker 2: It took me took me until I got clean this

1147
00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:57,360
Speaker 2: last time to be able to actually grieve the career

1148
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,400
Speaker 2: that I had and lost and and the way that

1149
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,040
Speaker 2: I thought my life life was going to play out.

1150
00:53:01,640 --> 00:53:04,359
Speaker 1: Okay, well, I can imagine that it would be hard

1151
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:06,839
Speaker 1: coming to terms with it when those phone calls aren't

1152
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:10,200
Speaker 1: returned and the messages aren't returned, and you're thinking, what

1153
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:11,560
Speaker 1: have I done something wrong?

1154
00:53:12,239 --> 00:53:15,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, and not knowing why? Yeah, but yes, Kate, you

1155
00:53:15,040 --> 00:53:15,839
Speaker 3: did heats wrong.

1156
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:19,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, let us tell you we might. We might take

1157
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:21,839
Speaker 1: a break now at part one and we'll come back

1158
00:53:21,880 --> 00:53:24,759
Speaker 1: to part two. I'd like to say it's all all

1159
00:53:24,800 --> 00:53:27,800
Speaker 1: the way up from here, but we do go to

1160
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:31,479
Speaker 1: lower grounds. When you're addicted to ice for seven years?

1161
00:53:32,080 --> 00:53:32,879
Speaker 1: Is it seven years?

1162
00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:33,719
Speaker 3: About that?

1163
00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:36,000
Speaker 1: Hell of a long time? You're looking good now, someone

1164
00:53:36,080 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 1: that's come through that. So I think there's there's a

1165
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:40,000
Speaker 1: happy ending at the end of this story.

1166
00:53:40,080 --> 00:53:43,000
Speaker 3: But I promise it gets good. I promise it gets good.

1167
00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:44,879
Speaker 1: We're going to get a little bit lower than we're

1168
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:48,080
Speaker 1: going to come up for. Okay, we'll take a break

1169
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:49,640
Speaker 1: and we'll be back for part two shortly