WEBVTT - 263. Relationships 0:00:05.881 --> 0:00:13.201 Apodjay Production. Welcome to the shep Rises Podcast. I'm Ashley 0:00:13.281 --> 0:00:14.081 and I'm Siana. 0:00:14.361 --> 0:00:17.320 This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to 0:00:17.361 --> 0:00:20.800 be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself. 0:00:20.961 --> 0:00:23.281 We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level. 0:00:23.361 --> 0:00:26.241 We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 0:00:26.281 --> 0:00:27.801 else is too afraid to talk about. 0:00:28.401 --> 0:00:30.761 Get ready for your next level of self. 0:00:31.161 --> 0:00:33.601 Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. Today we're talking 0:00:33.601 --> 0:00:38.120 about relationships and we're going to be very vulnerable. I 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:40.080 think what we talk about today is going to be 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:42.280 very relatable for a lot of couples, whether you're in 0:00:42.281 --> 0:00:44.160 a short term relationship, not short term, but like a 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:47.080 new relations new relationship or long term. And it's a 0:00:47.120 --> 0:00:48.361 little scary to talk about. 0:00:48.281 --> 0:00:50.520 It is, but it's very vulnerable, very open, and just 0:00:50.641 --> 0:00:52.560 we want to normalize the things that can come up 0:00:52.601 --> 0:00:54.721 for you in a relationship, whether it's new or long 0:00:54.801 --> 0:00:57.801 term one, and how it doesn't make you wrong if 0:00:57.881 --> 0:00:59.521 you do feel things that make you feel a bit 0:00:59.561 --> 0:01:00.560 ooh when you see them. 0:01:00.601 --> 0:01:03.801 We're all about you're not wronging ourselves for feeling something, 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:05.721 and it's okay to feel something It doesn't mean you 0:01:05.721 --> 0:01:08.401 have to action it, change anything, or fix it. It's 0:01:08.481 --> 0:01:11.001 just a feeling in a moment and it too shall pass. 0:01:11.081 --> 0:01:13.440 That's right, and being able to acknowledge it talk about 0:01:13.441 --> 0:01:16.200 it also helps us as females at least dissolve it 0:01:16.321 --> 0:01:18.440 and squash that thing for good, and then you can 0:01:18.441 --> 0:01:18.720 move on. 0:01:18.881 --> 0:01:20.840 So before we get into the juiciness, because we both 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:23.560 can be talking about our relationships, which we don't do often. 0:01:24.121 --> 0:01:25.001 What's your share of the week? 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:29.201 Mine is actually a quote by a guy named Shane Kolner. 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:32.080 I believe he talks about conscious love and dating coach 0:01:32.161 --> 0:01:35.961 basically online, and I've been having this conversation recently about 0:01:36.041 --> 0:01:38.241 the difference between loving the bad boy versus the guy 0:01:38.321 --> 0:01:39.560 who is good for your heart. 0:01:39.640 --> 0:01:41.521 Love this conversation and this is about that. 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:43.880 So it says a woman should not have to lower 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:46.801 her standards or settle for a man who doesn't ignite attraction, 0:01:47.081 --> 0:01:49.281 And yet she may often feel that she is forced 0:01:49.281 --> 0:01:51.921 to choose between a man who excites her and a 0:01:51.961 --> 0:01:54.601 man who is committed, ready with the emotional depth and 0:01:54.641 --> 0:01:58.881 capacity for connection that she actually craves. Still, this external 0:01:58.961 --> 0:02:02.561 struggle is often reflecting her own internal conflict, and by 0:02:02.601 --> 0:02:05.641 creating balance within, she can prepare herself to attract a 0:02:05.681 --> 0:02:09.241 partner who meets all of her deepest needs. I really 0:02:09.321 --> 0:02:11.321 like this topic because it's something that I've struggled with 0:02:11.361 --> 0:02:13.601 over the years of choosing somebody who is not good 0:02:13.601 --> 0:02:15.761 for me versus the person who is actually good for me, 0:02:16.041 --> 0:02:18.681 and that came from my deepest wounds of insecurities and 0:02:18.721 --> 0:02:21.921 also worthiness as well. So I love this conversation about 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:24.800 not having to settle, acknowledging the part of you who 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:28.481 maybe wants the more bad boy kind of guarden yeah, 0:02:28.561 --> 0:02:31.000 versus you know, you actually being in a relationship with 0:02:31.001 --> 0:02:33.081 somebody who's ready to give you what you need. I 0:02:33.121 --> 0:02:34.481 think it's a huge conversation. 0:02:34.641 --> 0:02:37.880 Yeah, that is mine is something that I saved off 0:02:37.921 --> 0:02:42.081 doctor Caroline Leaf's profile. She is a relationship psychologist. I 0:02:42.081 --> 0:02:46.601 think it's stress languages. So everyone talks about love languages. 0:02:46.641 --> 0:02:50.120 These are stress languages, the language of survival, not intimacy. 0:02:50.161 --> 0:02:52.321 We talk a lot about love languages how we connect 0:02:52.401 --> 0:02:55.321 when things feel safe, but what about when we're not okay? 0:02:55.481 --> 0:02:57.841 There's a different kind of language that shows up under pressure, 0:02:58.201 --> 0:03:01.841 built on avoidance, control, shut down, and reaction. Let's explore 0:03:01.881 --> 0:03:04.161 six patterns we fall into when we're overwhelmed on how 0:03:04.161 --> 0:03:06.921 to change them. The first one is the fixer, which 0:03:06.921 --> 0:03:09.800 means I don't feel safe until there's a solution. They 0:03:09.921 --> 0:03:13.321 rush into action to regain control. You avoid emotional stillness 0:03:13.361 --> 0:03:17.561 by staying busy, solve problems for certainty, not connection, and 0:03:17.601 --> 0:03:21.001 what this actually protects is dopamine driven urgency logic takes 0:03:21.041 --> 0:03:24.121 over to suppress emotional processing. And if you always feel 0:03:24.161 --> 0:03:26.881 you need to fix it, ask yourself what feels unsafe 0:03:26.921 --> 0:03:30.441 about just letting it be. Next one the freezer. Everything 0:03:30.441 --> 0:03:33.560 feels too much, so I shut down. You become emotionally numb, 0:03:33.761 --> 0:03:37.441 mentally blank. You appear calm, but it's collapse, not peace. 0:03:37.921 --> 0:03:40.881 You disconnect from others and also from yourself. What this 0:03:41.001 --> 0:03:45.321 actually protects the bodies freeze response. When the world feels unmanageable, 0:03:45.441 --> 0:03:49.081 stillness is the safest choice. You're not lazy, You're protecting 0:03:49.121 --> 0:03:51.841 yourself from too much, and the first step out is 0:03:51.881 --> 0:03:55.081 noticing that you've gone still. The next one is the fighter. 0:03:55.321 --> 0:03:58.361 If I push hard enough, I stay in control. You 0:03:58.441 --> 0:04:01.801 react fast and sharp. You struggle to feel safe without 0:04:01.841 --> 0:04:06.441 having full control, and your anger hides fear confidence. What 0:04:06.561 --> 0:04:11.681 this actually protects is hyper arousal mass vulnerability. Anger can 0:04:11.761 --> 0:04:15.281 feel safer than fear, and conflict feels more secure than silence. 0:04:15.961 --> 0:04:19.561 Oh that sounds chaotic. You're not too much. Your nervous 0:04:19.601 --> 0:04:21.841 system is on high alert. You don't have to fight 0:04:21.961 --> 0:04:26.201 everything to feel safe. Next one, the flear I disappear 0:04:26.281 --> 0:04:28.121 so I don't have to deal with it, So you 0:04:28.281 --> 0:04:31.801 escape into business screens or fantasy. You delay all the 0:04:31.841 --> 0:04:35.841 hard conversations. You're physically present, but emotionally you're not there. 0:04:36.121 --> 0:04:40.201 Avoidance is self preservation when confrontation feels dangerous and distance 0:04:40.241 --> 0:04:44.241 feels like safety. Sometimes leaving feels safer than staying, but 0:04:44.320 --> 0:04:49.841 the moment always waits for your return. And next one, 0:04:49.961 --> 0:04:52.241 the pleas are if I make everyone happy, maybe you'll 0:04:52.281 --> 0:04:56.601 be okay. Shape shifts to match the room. You overapologize 0:04:56.601 --> 0:04:59.241 even when it's not your fault. Ushuln't to others feelings, 0:04:59.241 --> 0:05:03.081 but tune out of yourself. What this actually protects. Appeasement 0:05:03.161 --> 0:05:06.361 is protection pleasing others. It's a false sense of safety 0:05:06.401 --> 0:05:10.361 when authenticity often at once felt dangerous. You're not a 0:05:10.361 --> 0:05:12.640 reflection of how others feel about you. You get to 0:05:12.681 --> 0:05:16.760 exist even when someone is upset. The suppressor. There's quite 0:05:16.761 --> 0:05:19.481 a few here. These are really interesting, the suppressor. If 0:05:19.521 --> 0:05:22.320 I don't let it out, I'll stay in control. You 0:05:22.401 --> 0:05:24.721 stay calm by locking it all down. You never cry 0:05:24.721 --> 0:05:28.121 in front of anyone. You believe strength means silence. What 0:05:28.241 --> 0:05:32.640 this actually protects? Suppression feels safer than release. When vulnerability 0:05:32.681 --> 0:05:36.801 is punished or unsafe, composure becomes a survival strategy. It's 0:05:36.801 --> 0:05:39.760 not weakness to feel the pressure builds, whether you speak 0:05:39.761 --> 0:05:42.001 it or not. Which one are you? 0:05:42.281 --> 0:05:43.001 Oh? 0:05:43.041 --> 0:05:44.281 What do you think you relate to most? 0:05:44.481 --> 0:05:47.801 The first one, which was straight into action, the fix 0:05:48.161 --> 0:05:49.361 to gain a sense of control. 0:05:49.561 --> 0:05:50.721 I think I'm in the fixer too. 0:05:50.921 --> 0:05:52.441 Ask me this question. A couple of years ago, I 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.001 would have related to the pleaser, But now, in this 0:05:55.041 --> 0:05:56.721 current moment, I feel like I relate the most with 0:05:56.761 --> 0:05:57.161 the fixer. 0:05:57.561 --> 0:05:59.161 I think I relate to the fixer. And then maybe 0:05:59.201 --> 0:06:00.401 the freeze. 0:05:59.921 --> 0:06:02.960 Like, yeah, can you send me that I love? That? 0:06:03.161 --> 0:06:03.641 Isn't it cool? 0:06:03.761 --> 0:06:07.200 Let's have a deep conversation about that later. Yes, anyway, 0:06:07.361 --> 0:06:10.840 today's conversation is going to be real, raw and vulnerable 0:06:10.961 --> 0:06:14.121 about what we are both navigating and currently have been 0:06:14.161 --> 0:06:17.161 navigating in our both of our relationships. I am in 0:06:17.201 --> 0:06:20.441 a brand new relationship of about six months. It's very beautiful. 0:06:20.481 --> 0:06:23.961 He's an incredible man, and I'm just having a great 0:06:23.961 --> 0:06:27.561 time being a Gemini though being a Gemini and actually 0:06:27.761 --> 0:06:29.801 is in an eighteen year relationship and has been with 0:06:29.841 --> 0:06:32.641 Steve for a long time. It's so so beautiful. And 0:06:33.161 --> 0:06:35.721 we were having this conversation the other day about how 0:06:35.801 --> 0:06:39.121 as I'm in a new relationship, I am noticing, and 0:06:39.161 --> 0:06:40.960 I have noticed this over the last six months, the 0:06:41.001 --> 0:06:43.401 part of me that really wants to run away. I've 0:06:43.481 --> 0:06:46.801 had good relationships in the past, However, my last relationship 0:06:46.841 --> 0:06:49.001 was the one that rocked me the most. And if 0:06:49.041 --> 0:06:50.880 you haven't listened to that episode, I do a full 0:06:50.921 --> 0:06:53.921 breakdown in a previous episode about that relationship, so you 0:06:53.921 --> 0:06:56.561 can go have a listen to that. However, I created 0:06:56.561 --> 0:06:59.601 the most wounds from that relationship since then. I remember 0:06:59.601 --> 0:07:02.320 telling myself after that, I don't want anybody in my life, 0:07:02.401 --> 0:07:04.081 like I don't want to bring anybody in. I don't 0:07:04.121 --> 0:07:07.521 have the time capacity. I'm not open to kind of 0:07:07.521 --> 0:07:10.881 meeting somebody new and like actually building something sustainable. And 0:07:10.921 --> 0:07:13.841 then this man comes into my life. Hedday my door, 0:07:14.321 --> 0:07:17.281 and here I am finding myself in a relationship. And 0:07:17.521 --> 0:07:21.281 throughout that journey, I've definitely noticed moments where yeah, I 0:07:21.361 --> 0:07:23.761 want to run away. And it's just this part of 0:07:23.761 --> 0:07:26.521 me that almost feels the way that I justified in 0:07:26.521 --> 0:07:29.161 my head I suppose and have over the last six months, 0:07:29.241 --> 0:07:31.721 is it's just easy to be on my own. Yeah, 0:07:31.761 --> 0:07:33.401 Like it'll be easy to be on my own. I 0:07:33.401 --> 0:07:35.961 don't have to consider somebody else. I don't have to 0:07:36.801 --> 0:07:38.441 worry about what it is that I'm doing and making 0:07:38.441 --> 0:07:41.001 sure that it's respectful and making sure that I'm honoring 0:07:41.041 --> 0:07:43.401 this person, which is easy comes easy for me when 0:07:43.401 --> 0:07:45.961 I'm in a relationship, but sometimes I just want to 0:07:46.001 --> 0:07:50.521 be selfish. And being in this relationship, there have been 0:07:50.561 --> 0:07:53.761 times where I've had to really face myself and my patterns, 0:07:53.841 --> 0:07:56.001 my behaviors and things like that that we talk about 0:07:56.121 --> 0:07:57.921 that you don't get to see your face when you're 0:07:58.001 --> 0:08:02.041 not in a relationship. Parts of myself that are still avoidant, 0:08:02.321 --> 0:08:05.881 parts of myself that are still inconsistent, So myself that 0:08:06.081 --> 0:08:09.401 still have high highs and low lows and all of 0:08:09.401 --> 0:08:13.121 these different components to like myself. Also my star sign 0:08:13.161 --> 0:08:15.921 and also my personal traits. Love the star signs right, 0:08:15.961 --> 0:08:18.720 because my star sign is a Gemini, and a huge 0:08:18.801 --> 0:08:21.641 value of mine is freedom and also variety, and they 0:08:21.681 --> 0:08:24.401 tie into each other and in that freedom, like, I 0:08:24.481 --> 0:08:27.121 don't like anything that makes me feel like it's clipped 0:08:27.121 --> 0:08:30.481 my wings or that I'm like being bogged down. So 0:08:30.721 --> 0:08:33.401 any moment that I feel like that kind of constraint, 0:08:33.441 --> 0:08:35.521 which I don't, by the way, and it's not him, 0:08:35.761 --> 0:08:40.201 it's not him, it's perceived constraint or perceived where I 0:08:40.241 --> 0:08:41.961 can't do something that I want. 0:08:41.961 --> 0:08:44.041 Because he is so supportive and wants you to do 0:08:44.081 --> 0:08:46.321 all the things and consistently reassures you in that. But 0:08:46.361 --> 0:08:48.521 it's like sometimes you just want to go home and 0:08:48.521 --> 0:08:50.441 get stuck into work, but he wants to see you. 0:08:50.441 --> 0:08:51.601 You're like, oh my god, I have this to do, 0:08:51.641 --> 0:08:53.921 and now I feel like I have to be with you, 0:08:53.961 --> 0:08:54.641 and I want to be with. 0:08:54.601 --> 0:08:58.281 Your obligation to then do that. And also take into 0:08:58.321 --> 0:09:00.521 consideration that you know, if we're both in a hustle 0:09:00.561 --> 0:09:04.481 season and we don't spend that time together, that creates disconnect. 0:09:04.761 --> 0:09:06.401 So it's keeping all these things in the forefront. I 0:09:06.441 --> 0:09:09.561 also want to preface that this relationship is so fucking beautiful, 0:09:10.161 --> 0:09:14.321 the most healing, beautiful relationship that I probably have ever 0:09:14.361 --> 0:09:17.961 been in my life. The communication is unlike anything I've 0:09:18.001 --> 0:09:21.961 ever experienced. He's so considerate, so caring, so kind, so loving, 0:09:22.441 --> 0:09:25.041 and honestly like has never made me feel like my 0:09:25.121 --> 0:09:28.281 wings eclipped to by any means. But this little Gemini 0:09:28.361 --> 0:09:32.281 over here likes to get braddy sometimes and likes to 0:09:32.361 --> 0:09:33.641 do what I want to do when I want to do, 0:09:33.721 --> 0:09:35.201 without having to ask anybody to do it. 0:09:35.361 --> 0:09:38.121 Yes. And when Tianna brought this into me, there was 0:09:38.161 --> 0:09:41.041 a little bit of guilt and shame, and I wanted 0:09:41.041 --> 0:09:43.801 to reassure her that I think she's human and she's 0:09:43.841 --> 0:09:46.241 allowed to feel different things. And just because you're in 0:09:46.241 --> 0:09:48.121 a beautiful relationship, it doesn't mean you don't have your 0:09:48.121 --> 0:09:50.521 own experiences, feelings. And it's someone that's been with someone 0:09:50.521 --> 0:09:53.641 for eighteen years. I still have moments like that. I'm 0:09:53.641 --> 0:09:55.721 a Sagitarian, and our star signs are very similar. But 0:09:55.721 --> 0:09:59.281 the Sagitarian's number one value is freedom. If anyone tries 0:09:59.361 --> 0:10:01.081 to tie us down and tell us what to do, 0:10:01.641 --> 0:10:04.441 restrict us from doing something, it makes us want it more. Yeah, 0:10:04.441 --> 0:10:06.801 and Steve's knowing that from the start. I am a 0:10:06.841 --> 0:10:09.481 freedom lover. I love variety. I love just do my thing. 0:10:09.601 --> 0:10:12.561 And I have two beautiful children and a beautiful husband, 0:10:12.601 --> 0:10:14.081 and there's still times I don't want to have to 0:10:14.161 --> 0:10:16.561 rush home to take over the kids. I want to 0:10:16.601 --> 0:10:18.401 just go out to dinner and go out to dinner 0:10:18.401 --> 0:10:20.641 and not have to ask. And it's not that I 0:10:20.721 --> 0:10:22.281 have to like ask, like, oh Dan, can I have 0:10:22.321 --> 0:10:24.681 to dinner? And it's just out of considerations. Of course, 0:10:24.881 --> 0:10:26.521 just went out for dinner and didn't tell me, I'd 0:10:26.521 --> 0:10:29.121 be like, excuse me, you don't help me with bath tonight. 0:10:29.441 --> 0:10:31.361 It's what you do when you're a married couple and 0:10:31.401 --> 0:10:34.721 you have children, you have other people to consider. And yes, 0:10:34.761 --> 0:10:35.681 I decide to have children. 0:10:35.681 --> 0:10:35.881 I love. 0:10:35.921 --> 0:10:38.241 I wouldn't change for the world. But there is five 0:10:38.241 --> 0:10:41.721 percent of me sometimes maybe ten, that sometimes wants to 0:10:41.801 --> 0:10:44.801 just yeah, not rush home, or like even Steve said 0:10:44.801 --> 0:10:46.241 to me when I came out from Bali, He's like, 0:10:46.281 --> 0:10:48.321 did you feel like you had enough time over there? 0:10:48.681 --> 0:10:50.961 Or do you have like to stay longer? And I 0:10:50.961 --> 0:10:53.641 said fifty to fifty If I'm being honest, I said, yes, 0:10:53.681 --> 0:10:55.601 I miss you and the kids every single day, and 0:10:55.641 --> 0:10:58.121 I love you. Guys so much and I was have 0:10:58.161 --> 0:11:00.881 a jolly all time with my best friend, just worry 0:11:00.921 --> 0:11:02.321 about what I was going to wear out for dinner. 0:11:02.401 --> 0:11:06.401 It's fucking fantastic, if I'm being honest. The freedom of 0:11:06.521 --> 0:11:08.721 being on the back of a bike and not having 0:11:08.721 --> 0:11:11.681 to be anywhere at any time. This is after the retreat, obviously, 0:11:12.321 --> 0:11:15.601 it really feels good. And I think it gets to 0:11:15.681 --> 0:11:18.681 all coexists, and I think so many I'll just speak 0:11:18.681 --> 0:11:21.241 on behalf of mums. So many mums or people that 0:11:21.281 --> 0:11:25.161 are married or in relationships sometimes missed the old life 0:11:25.161 --> 0:11:27.521 of being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, 0:11:27.561 --> 0:11:29.921 without having to consider someone. And we wanted to bring 0:11:29.961 --> 0:11:32.121 this in here. I'm sure I'm going to cop a 0:11:32.161 --> 0:11:34.081 shit ton of you're a bad mum and a bad wife, 0:11:34.161 --> 0:11:37.721 blah blah blah, Sush Karen, But a lot of us 0:11:37.761 --> 0:11:41.481 feel that it's there's shame there, because shame thrives in secrecy. 0:11:41.521 --> 0:11:43.641 But I guarantee a lot of mums listen to this like, 0:11:43.681 --> 0:11:45.761 oh my god, me too. I wish I could just 0:11:45.801 --> 0:11:48.121 go do that. I didn't have to pick the kids 0:11:48.161 --> 0:11:49.961 up and do all these things and just be me 0:11:50.121 --> 0:11:50.961 for a moment. 0:11:50.761 --> 0:11:53.481 And also not normalizing, but also just allowing it to 0:11:53.521 --> 0:11:55.481 be seen and heard that part of you that does 0:11:55.561 --> 0:11:58.481 want to run away when things get uncomfortable. Yeah, you know, Like, 0:11:58.561 --> 0:12:01.601 for an example, we just recently went to Bali, right 0:12:01.801 --> 0:12:03.881 and you know, we're in a new relationship. It's been 0:12:03.921 --> 0:12:06.601 about six months or so, and every time I go away, 0:12:07.041 --> 0:12:09.961 I have to almost like remind myself consciously that I 0:12:10.001 --> 0:12:12.001 have to stay plugged in and check in with him, 0:12:12.281 --> 0:12:14.921 so I'm not physically here with him, And like, as 0:12:15.241 --> 0:12:17.201 we're busy and get more busy and we have more 0:12:17.241 --> 0:12:20.841 things to focus on, more projects, more responsibilities, sometimes it's 0:12:20.881 --> 0:12:23.121 like not in the forefront of my mind to check in. 0:12:23.281 --> 0:12:25.481 And it was something that was slipping in the first 0:12:25.521 --> 0:12:27.761 time we went away, and then it was a conversation 0:12:27.801 --> 0:12:29.521 of like, hey, you're not checking in as much like 0:12:29.801 --> 0:12:32.081 is everything okay? Are we good? That sort of thing. 0:12:32.401 --> 0:12:34.921 But now, even when we went to Bali the last time, 0:12:35.241 --> 0:12:38.001 I made a conscious effort to have to stay plugged in. 0:12:38.321 --> 0:12:41.241 But it's one of those things that sometimes I'm like, oh, 0:12:41.281 --> 0:12:42.481 this is one of those things where I have to 0:12:42.481 --> 0:12:44.721 make a conscious effort to stay plugged in. And I 0:12:44.761 --> 0:12:47.121 also very much choose to be here, but it's like 0:12:47.201 --> 0:12:49.561 sometimes in those moments, it's like, oh, I want to 0:12:49.601 --> 0:12:52.681 be like ultimately selfish and just live my life and 0:12:52.681 --> 0:12:54.441 then come back when I'm ready, which is also the 0:12:54.561 --> 0:12:57.561 Gemini in me, which can be quite like flighty and 0:12:58.001 --> 0:13:00.201 off on my own adventure and off on my own journey. 0:13:00.241 --> 0:13:01.881 But I'll always come back so long as you don't 0:13:01.881 --> 0:13:03.201 click my wings or make me feel like I'm in 0:13:03.241 --> 0:13:06.561 a cage. This is actually conversations that I've actually brought 0:13:06.641 --> 0:13:08.601 up with him, and as just the way that I 0:13:09.081 --> 0:13:11.721 guess I have been over the years. Don't know if 0:13:11.761 --> 0:13:13.441 this is related to my star sign or not, or 0:13:13.481 --> 0:13:16.641 just how I've been that when I feel like I 0:13:16.681 --> 0:13:20.321 need to make a decision, I go inward and I 0:13:20.361 --> 0:13:22.081 think about it, and I think about it and I 0:13:22.121 --> 0:13:23.881 think about it, and then I feel like I have 0:13:23.921 --> 0:13:27.321 a responsibility to make a decision in this, and then 0:13:27.361 --> 0:13:28.921 I do it on my own because I feel like 0:13:28.921 --> 0:13:31.001 I've relied on myself for so many years for so 0:13:31.081 --> 0:13:33.881 many things that now when I have a partner with me, 0:13:34.441 --> 0:13:36.721 I forget that I can come in and I can 0:13:36.761 --> 0:13:39.081 do that with him. And so even when I've had 0:13:39.081 --> 0:13:41.201 these moments of feeling like I want to run away 0:13:41.321 --> 0:13:43.881 or quote unquote, you know life could be easier if 0:13:43.881 --> 0:13:46.281 I were just on my own. It's something I actually 0:13:46.281 --> 0:13:48.601 bring into him when I'm feeling that, and what's been 0:13:48.641 --> 0:13:50.521 really healing for me is that he can hold me 0:13:50.561 --> 0:13:53.041 in it. He literally says that, thank you so much 0:13:53.041 --> 0:13:55.441 for bringing this into me. As somebody who's been there myself, 0:13:55.481 --> 0:13:58.201 I totally understand where you're at, and it just it 0:13:58.281 --> 0:14:00.801 dissolves the shame and the moment I come into Ashulely 0:14:00.801 --> 0:14:02.401 and I share a little micro a moment of hey, 0:14:02.441 --> 0:14:03.721 I feel like I want to run away. Things for 0:14:03.801 --> 0:14:07.001 really hard right now, or things feel really uncomfortable. What 0:14:07.041 --> 0:14:09.201 I'm seeing in myself is like hard to look at. 0:14:09.401 --> 0:14:11.361 You also reassure me of like, hey, I feel like 0:14:11.361 --> 0:14:12.641 that sometimes too. Boom. 0:14:12.801 --> 0:14:14.681 The shame dissolves, not as big as what we make 0:14:14.681 --> 0:14:15.841 it out to me, that's right. 0:14:16.001 --> 0:14:18.241 And in those moments when I feel like I want 0:14:18.241 --> 0:14:20.401 to run away, I feel like I want to lean out, 0:14:20.521 --> 0:14:22.761 or I'm feeling a little bit avoidant, the moment that 0:14:22.841 --> 0:14:25.721 I bring that into that person, I don't feel as bad. 0:14:26.241 --> 0:14:28.561 But then when I'm doing it on my own, the 0:14:28.641 --> 0:14:31.201 shame gets bigger, and then I feel guilty for feeling 0:14:31.281 --> 0:14:34.001 like a bad partner because I'm like, well, you shouldn't 0:14:34.041 --> 0:14:35.881 feel like this in a relationship, Like if you feel 0:14:35.881 --> 0:14:38.441 like this, why you even here. But the reality is 0:14:38.481 --> 0:14:42.521 like two truths can coexist and you can feel very 0:14:42.561 --> 0:14:44.761 much like you want to be in something and a 0:14:44.801 --> 0:14:47.321 part of you still be scared. Because if I'm totally 0:14:47.401 --> 0:14:50.161 honest with myself, there have been thoughts that have come 0:14:50.241 --> 0:14:51.561 up for me of like is this too good to 0:14:51.601 --> 0:14:55.401 be true? And he's just helped me like dissolve all 0:14:55.481 --> 0:14:57.761 of those wounds and those fears, But it doesn't mean 0:14:57.801 --> 0:15:00.161 they don't come up. I'm still a human. I still 0:15:00.161 --> 0:15:02.921 have twenty eight years worth of trauma and like past 0:15:02.961 --> 0:15:06.041 experiences that have impacted the way that I show in relationships. 0:15:06.361 --> 0:15:08.121 So I'd be ignorant to think that the part of 0:15:08.161 --> 0:15:10.841 me that wants to run away isn't going to show up. 0:15:11.241 --> 0:15:12.561 It's just not making it wrong when. 0:15:12.481 --> 0:15:15.121 It does, definitely, And it's also getting to know what 0:15:15.161 --> 0:15:18.081 each partner needs, Like just going back to the holiday thing, yeah, 0:15:18.201 --> 0:15:20.921 because we had different experiences there with Steve. That's right 0:15:21.241 --> 0:15:24.681 Grant Now, it's like Grant likes to stay really plugged 0:15:24.681 --> 0:15:27.001 into you as you a Gemini freedom will like you 0:15:27.041 --> 0:15:29.321 could leave it a day or how many hours and 0:15:29.361 --> 0:15:32.481 you still feel fine. Steve's like you in that sense, 0:15:32.521 --> 0:15:34.801 whereas I like to plug in a little bit more so. 0:15:34.881 --> 0:15:36.641 I had to have that conversation with Steve and he's like, 0:15:36.641 --> 0:15:37.961 I'm just setting you have your girls. I'm like, you 0:15:38.001 --> 0:15:39.921 don't have to call me and checking all the time, 0:15:40.001 --> 0:15:42.281 Like no, no, no, I want you to call me. I 0:15:42.321 --> 0:15:44.121 want to still feel like you want to, like know 0:15:44.161 --> 0:15:45.601 how my day's gone. He's like, kid, but I don't 0:15:45.601 --> 0:15:47.321 want to be like on your back and I don't 0:15:47.361 --> 0:15:49.921 want to be free and go enjoy your Sagittarian freedom, 0:15:50.081 --> 0:15:52.761 enjoy I'm like, yes, I want that, but I also 0:15:52.841 --> 0:15:56.761 want you. It's like communicating and understanding that not taking 0:15:56.761 --> 0:15:59.361 it personally too. And I think Grant's learning that with 0:15:59.441 --> 0:16:01.601 you as well, that just because you're not as plugged 0:16:01.601 --> 0:16:04.121 in his home, you're still there. Yes, you still want 0:16:04.121 --> 0:16:06.401 to be there, you still love you, You're still nothing's wrong, 0:16:06.521 --> 0:16:10.481 nothing's wrongs. Easy for a anxious person to make something up. 0:16:10.521 --> 0:16:12.801 If I'm not plugged in, something must be wrong, or 0:16:12.801 --> 0:16:15.201 if they don't reply how they normally reply what have 0:16:15.281 --> 0:16:17.641 I done? Yes, and like you get it avoidant. 0:16:17.721 --> 0:16:19.481 Yes, you get like a little bit of a shorter reply, 0:16:19.521 --> 0:16:21.321 and then it's like, oh shit, what's happened? 0:16:21.401 --> 0:16:22.521 Yeah, something's wrong. 0:16:23.041 --> 0:16:25.001 That troup was really good for me because I made 0:16:25.041 --> 0:16:27.401 it more of a conscious effort to show up and 0:16:27.441 --> 0:16:29.881 he was super happy with receiving that. So now I know, 0:16:30.041 --> 0:16:31.921 like that's the amount of effort that actually feels really 0:16:31.961 --> 0:16:34.481 good for him in a relationship. And it also teaches 0:16:34.521 --> 0:16:36.041 me and the part of me that can be quite 0:16:36.041 --> 0:16:39.001 avoidant and dip in and out to stay consistent, yeah, 0:16:39.041 --> 0:16:41.481 because it's like a relationship is built on consistency, and 0:16:41.521 --> 0:16:43.441 I definitely have a part of me that can dip 0:16:43.481 --> 0:16:46.121 in and out based on how I feel, be inconsistent, 0:16:46.241 --> 0:16:48.561 avoidant part of me Gemini airy fairy want to do 0:16:48.561 --> 0:16:49.921 whatever the fuck I want to do and have two 0:16:49.921 --> 0:16:52.161 sides that exists at all points, you know. So it's 0:16:52.241 --> 0:16:56.241 learning how to navigate all that without making decisions based 0:16:56.281 --> 0:16:57.401 on those emotions and feelings. 0:16:58.241 --> 0:16:59.721 That's one of the things you want to talk about, 0:16:59.761 --> 0:17:02.241 just to normalize different emotions and feelings that come off 0:17:02.281 --> 0:17:04.640 relationship and to not wrong yourself for it, because I 0:17:04.641 --> 0:17:06.281 don't look Tiana when she comes to me with this 0:17:06.321 --> 0:17:08.481 and think anything's wrong with it, and even myself when 0:17:08.521 --> 0:17:09.880 I have those moments where I'm like, I would love 0:17:09.921 --> 0:17:11.321 to not have to rush home to the kids, like 0:17:12.281 --> 0:17:14.521 you know, on a Saturday morning, and I could go 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:16.281 for a walk in training, and like maybe I want 0:17:16.281 --> 0:17:17.920 to go for a smoothie too. I want to go 0:17:17.961 --> 0:17:19.801 home like Tash is footy, which I want to go to. 0:17:19.921 --> 0:17:23.961 But it's not restriction, that's the wrong word. But sometimes 0:17:24.241 --> 0:17:26.281 as a mum and as a wife, you are considering 0:17:26.321 --> 0:17:28.561 everyone else in your dynamic, and like I said, I 0:17:28.561 --> 0:17:30.761 would not change it. Don't anyone twist my words. It's 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.081 just sometimes I'd like to feel a little bit more 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:35.041 free and not have to rush. And I make a 0:17:35.041 --> 0:17:37.120 conscious effort because I think as a man, they value 0:17:37.120 --> 0:17:37.721 freedom too. 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:39.281 Of course every human does. 0:17:39.521 --> 0:17:41.041 On a Saturday, when I have a couple of hours 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:42.961