1
00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,680
Speaker 1: Ammy Jacobson, Welcome to the podcast.

2
00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,880
Speaker 2: How are you going all the better for.

3
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,560
Speaker 3: Submitting my book to the Sea and Publisher as you

4
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:21,280
Speaker 3: yesterday morning.

5
00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:26,400
Speaker 4: It's exciting times, right, It's like it's like Bertie in.

6
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,360
Speaker 2: Your base Cities.

7
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,440
Speaker 3: And actually I submitted it yesterday and got an email

8
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:34,080
Speaker 3: from my edited last night, and then it just kind

9
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,440
Speaker 3: of helped me able to sitt the airport had done

10
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:42,640
Speaker 3: an old day rockshop, and I was just like, ah,

11
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:43,080
Speaker 3: do you know.

12
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:45,720
Speaker 4: You know what, though, when I simitted my second book,

13
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,600
Speaker 4: I think I think I'd put all of the pressure

14
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,960
Speaker 4: on that submission date, and once I did it, it

15
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,479
Speaker 4: was that absolute relief. But then you go into the

16
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,560
Speaker 4: editing process and you forget just how intense that is

17
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,160
Speaker 4: as well. It's fun, it's absolutely fun.

18
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,279
Speaker 2: But oh yeah, it looks like I'm fine with that.

19
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:02,640
Speaker 3: I was.

20
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,520
Speaker 1: It was the deadline and mine was tight.

21
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,480
Speaker 3: Because I'd also submitted my PhD about a month ago,

22
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,840
Speaker 3: so it was juggling to friggin things at the same time.

23
00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:14,319
Speaker 3: So I don't know whether I'm Arthur or Martha at

24
00:01:14,319 --> 00:01:16,759
Speaker 3: the minute. So if I go wibble in the middle

25
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,080
Speaker 3: of this podcast.

26
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:19,880
Speaker 2: You know why.

27
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:27,200
Speaker 3: We're not here that is a poor example of emotional intelligence.

28
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,360
Speaker 3: There for me right now, I was starting a podcast

29
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,959
Speaker 3: with someone on emotional intelligence and talking about myself.

30
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,480
Speaker 1: So you are an expert on emotional intelligence.

31
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,960
Speaker 3: You've written two books now I on emotional intelligence.

32
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,399
Speaker 1: Your second one is going to be out very very soon.

33
00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:43,480
Speaker 1: So tell our listener.

34
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:48,640
Speaker 3: Look, firstly, what inspired you to get into this area

35
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:49,520
Speaker 3: and to write.

36
00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,600
Speaker 1: Not one, but two books on emotional intelligence.

37
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,560
Speaker 4: The mind, like, people's minds have always fascinated me, and

38
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,920
Speaker 4: I think, you know, for as far as I can

39
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,080
Speaker 4: go back, I was more fascinated to begin with with

40
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,640
Speaker 4: the I think I guess the bad side in the mind.

41
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,480
Speaker 4: I was really into criminology forensics to think, how can

42
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,680
Speaker 4: some people's minds be so messed up? And look, the

43
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,840
Speaker 4: more I played in that area, I realized I just

44
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,519
Speaker 4: can't switch off. I will not be able to switch

45
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,359
Speaker 4: off and sleep at night diving deep into these areas.

46
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,560
Speaker 4: So I kind of parked it for a while, but

47
00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:29,080
Speaker 4: always had that fascination and eventually it came back through,

48
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,280
Speaker 4: you know, from like from my career in the corporate world,

49
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,919
Speaker 4: just seeing how much of an impact different people had

50
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:39,640
Speaker 4: on situations and how people responded and you know, the

51
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,640
Speaker 4: impact that they had on performance, the impact that had

52
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:46,200
Speaker 4: on relationships, on success. So I started to dive deeper

53
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,240
Speaker 4: into Okay, well, how do we leverage the mind in

54
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,600
Speaker 4: a good way, in a really great way to be

55
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:54,680
Speaker 4: able to improve situations? So I started to do all

56
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,360
Speaker 4: of my studies in that side. And what led me

57
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,600
Speaker 4: to take it further and to write the books was

58
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:04,760
Speaker 4: the just the absolute lack of understanding that was out there.

59
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,120
Speaker 4: And you know, it's because a lot of the data

60
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,639
Speaker 4: that's out there it's very science y, which is which

61
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,600
Speaker 4: is fantastic, right, it's so intriguing, but it's also quite

62
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,280
Speaker 4: hard to take the scientific work and simplify it or

63
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,280
Speaker 4: actually apply it to your day to day to say, okay,

64
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:24,200
Speaker 4: that's great, but how do I actually grow this? How

65
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,640
Speaker 4: do I improve? I know what's causing it, but how

66
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,240
Speaker 4: do I take control of it? So for it all

67
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:33,400
Speaker 4: kind of started and absolutely love it. I get to

68
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,800
Speaker 4: meet the most incredible people on my path, and it

69
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:41,280
Speaker 4: still astounds me that everybody's mind just works so differently

70
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:45,000
Speaker 4: and the impact that you can have on the outcome

71
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,920
Speaker 4: simply by the weight of your mind.

72
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:52,680
Speaker 3: Now that leads into the next question, So is you

73
00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,440
Speaker 3: know the old question or leaders born or me?

74
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:58,160
Speaker 1: Is emotional intelligence genetic or learned?

75
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:03,000
Speaker 3: Or I'm guessing it's a bit of a mix, But

76
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,400
Speaker 3: what's the right answer.

77
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,200
Speaker 4: It absolutely is, Yeah, it is a mixture. The way

78
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,880
Speaker 4: that I look at emotionally intelligence is I think that

79
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,960
Speaker 4: the first mistake we make is we think that people

80
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,839
Speaker 4: are either emotionally intelligent or they're not. And I don't

81
00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:20,480
Speaker 4: agree with that. I think that emotionally intelligence is a

82
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,880
Speaker 4: skill the same as all the other skills that we

83
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,440
Speaker 4: learn in life, and some of us are born naturally

84
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,160
Speaker 4: with more skill in that area. But can we develop it?

85
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,080
Speaker 4: Absolutely we can. But I think at never, at any

86
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:37,320
Speaker 4: point in time would I call somebody emotionally intelligent because

87
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,800
Speaker 4: I think, you know, every situation happens and we've got

88
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,280
Speaker 4: a choice to make. We can either choose to respond

89
00:04:42,279 --> 00:04:45,800
Speaker 4: in an emotionally intelligent way or choose not to. So

90
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,040
Speaker 4: while some people have that natural skill come to them,

91
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,480
Speaker 4: and a lot of people don't actually know what it is,

92
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:53,520
Speaker 4: and they kind of search to find out why they've

93
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:56,320
Speaker 4: got it, why other people don't. It's a skill, so

94
00:04:56,360 --> 00:05:01,359
Speaker 4: it can be taught. Is it easy? No? But can

95
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,599
Speaker 4: you build your emotional intelligence over time by building the

96
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:09,320
Speaker 4: skill and applying it and continuing to apply it and

97
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,760
Speaker 4: building those neural pathways in your mind. Yes, you absolutely can.

98
00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:15,880
Speaker 3: Look, I just realized we haven't actually properly defined it.

99
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,960
Speaker 3: So let's and I think most people kind of get

100
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:20,599
Speaker 3: it right.

101
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,560
Speaker 2: But what is the.

102
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:29,640
Speaker 3: Kind of gold standard definition or just your definition? I mean,

103
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,960
Speaker 3: is there is there a widely accepted definition that's out

104
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:33,800
Speaker 3: there or is it?

105
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, they tend to differ a bit. I guess the

106
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:43,240
Speaker 4: most accepted one out there is about emotionally intelligence is

107
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,800
Speaker 4: the ability to manage your own emotions and to manage

108
00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:49,599
Speaker 4: the impact you have on the people around you. I

109
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,680
Speaker 4: dive a little bit deeper into that, and I think

110
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,960
Speaker 4: that emotional intelligence is the how and why what we do.

111
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:59,800
Speaker 4: So what you can do and what you know and

112
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,840
Speaker 4: you can do, that's your IQ. But the how and

113
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:05,720
Speaker 4: why you actually do it, that's your equ or your

114
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:10,720
Speaker 4: emotional intelligence. And it's really it's understanding the way that

115
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:15,520
Speaker 4: your mind is tipped and your mind ticks, and it's

116
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,720
Speaker 4: working with it rather than against it. So knowing, Okay,

117
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,479
Speaker 4: this is my natural wiring, this is how it works

118
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,719
Speaker 4: for me, So how do I be a better person

119
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,280
Speaker 4: or how do I be the best person I can

120
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:29,040
Speaker 4: possibly be based on how my mind is wired, what

121
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,880
Speaker 4: those neural pathways actually.

122
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:34,080
Speaker 3: With springs up a couple of questions from me, and

123
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,960
Speaker 3: you may or may not know the answer to this.

124
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,800
Speaker 3: So in terms of let's take neuro divergent people and

125
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:47,279
Speaker 3: particularly who are on the autism spectrum, who often have

126
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:54,600
Speaker 3: difficulty with emotions, difficulty recognizing emotions, any research around that

127
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:59,039
Speaker 3: and the impact on their emotional intelligence, and then if

128
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:05,280
Speaker 3: they use strategies to learn emotional intelligence that I'll give

129
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,680
Speaker 3: you that first one and they'll last the second one.

130
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,800
Speaker 4: Yeah, beautiful. So there's two different things in play here.

131
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:16,400
Speaker 4: I think that when I speak emotionally intelligence, I think

132
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:21,760
Speaker 4: we have to separate that from neurodiversity as well, because

133
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,280
Speaker 4: I think that's in a slightly different area. That really

134
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,520
Speaker 4: does come down to, you know a lot of areas

135
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,360
Speaker 4: around your genetics and the way that you are actually wired.

136
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,280
Speaker 4: Does it impact it? Yes, absolutely so. If you have

137
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,080
Speaker 4: somebody like you said that is on the autism spectrum,

138
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,600
Speaker 4: they are going to struggle more with emotional intelligence and

139
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,960
Speaker 4: their levels are going to be different. And I think

140
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,560
Speaker 4: that to approach to approach it in the same way

141
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,400
Speaker 4: that you would approach somebody else and expect them to

142
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,640
Speaker 4: be able to learn and build their skills, I think

143
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,160
Speaker 4: is unrealistic. I think that, you know, it needs to

144
00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,120
Speaker 4: be a slightly different approach there. So when I'm speeding

145
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,520
Speaker 4: about emotional intelligence, and I'm more talking about you know,

146
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,440
Speaker 4: if you go with that eighty twenty rule and more

147
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:10,280
Speaker 4: going with those people that don't have those neurodiverse challenges

148
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,200
Speaker 4: or that side totally.

149
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:20,400
Speaker 3: And then so people who have had adverse childhood experiences

150
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:27,600
Speaker 3: that then significantly shape their brain and how they process emotions,

151
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:32,920
Speaker 3: and presumably that can have an impact on their emotional

152
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:38,520
Speaker 3: intelligence because you know, their brands then become ship around

153
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:44,040
Speaker 3: maybe one or two particular emotions, anything that you've seen

154
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:50,240
Speaker 3: on that and whether that is an inhibitor of them

155
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,840
Speaker 3: optimizing their emotional intelligence or can they navigate around it

156
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:54,840
Speaker 3: if they're aware of it.

157
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,240
Speaker 4: Look, it is a big blocker or limits because when

158
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,959
Speaker 4: you think about emotional intelligence, it stems from those neural pathways,

159
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,400
Speaker 4: and those neural pathways are defined by our values, our beliefs,

160
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,520
Speaker 4: our experience as our habits. So if you have somebody

161
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,480
Speaker 4: who has had quite a traumatic experience or has had

162
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,920
Speaker 4: quite a pivotal moment in their life that has created

163
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:22,160
Speaker 4: a neural pathway that is so deeply embedded it absolutely

164
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:25,320
Speaker 4: is going to impact the mind is going to naturally

165
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,400
Speaker 4: default to those areas. Is it something that they can

166
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,720
Speaker 4: work with? Yes, I do believe that it is. Again,

167
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,400
Speaker 4: is it easy. No, You've got to have that first

168
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,400
Speaker 4: step of awareness right, and you've got to be able

169
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,720
Speaker 4: to dig in deep to understand the neural pathway that exists,

170
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,200
Speaker 4: the triggers that are actually attached to the beginning of

171
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,480
Speaker 4: that neural pathway, and also the emotions that are attached

172
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:50,199
Speaker 4: to the trigger and the neural pathway. Once you start

173
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,480
Speaker 4: to understand that, then you can dive deeper into being

174
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,840
Speaker 4: able to I guess, rewire that neural pathway. And we

175
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,479
Speaker 4: know that that is possible to rewind new neural pathways,

176
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,120
Speaker 4: but as I said, it takes a lot of commitment

177
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,440
Speaker 4: and a lot of work to be able to process

178
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:07,440
Speaker 4: and go through it.

179
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,000
Speaker 3: So yeah, the reason that I asked that question, I

180
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,360
Speaker 3: was running a workshop yesterday, an Old Day workshop, and

181
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:17,600
Speaker 3: was talking about those early life experiences and how they

182
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:22,640
Speaker 3: shape our brain, but then also talked about neuroplasticity, and

183
00:10:22,679 --> 00:10:26,720
Speaker 3: with self awareness and self regulation, how you can then

184
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,559
Speaker 3: change the wiring work of your AMIG dealer, right, because

185
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,200
Speaker 3: we do have that enormous neuroplasticity. But as you say,

186
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:38,240
Speaker 3: it's about doing the work right. There's no emotional intelligence

187
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:42,000
Speaker 3: fairy that you can just or a program you can

188
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,439
Speaker 3: diwnload from the internet just yet.

189
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,040
Speaker 4: Oh no, Look, that's my disclaimer every time I run

190
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,319
Speaker 4: a program is you would not leave this room emotionally intelligent.

191
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,680
Speaker 4: I wish that's how it worked out. Yeah, Unfortunately, it

192
00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:58,480
Speaker 4: doesn't the same as reading a book. Right, reading my book,

193
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,640
Speaker 4: as great as it is, we're not going to make

194
00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:03,600
Speaker 4: you emotionally intelligent. It's the work that you do afterwards

195
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,319
Speaker 4: with the information that you get.

196
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,959
Speaker 3: So, given that you've written a book on EI and

197
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:14,680
Speaker 3: leadership and one on personal give us the impact that

198
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,319
Speaker 3: emotional intelligence has. One in the workplace and from a

199
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:23,079
Speaker 3: leadership perspective, and then just two from an everyday individual

200
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,800
Speaker 3: going about my general life perspective.

201
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,560
Speaker 4: Yeah. So to start with the personal side, we know

202
00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:35,080
Speaker 4: that your emotionally intelligence is it's how you act, it's

203
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,920
Speaker 4: how you impact the people around you. Now, it is

204
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,160
Speaker 4: usually from a personal point of view a little bit

205
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,559
Speaker 4: more intense, given that when we're around people where we

206
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,920
Speaker 4: feel safe and where we feel trusted, we tend to

207
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,960
Speaker 4: we tend to bring out the worst in this because

208
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,720
Speaker 4: we feel safe. So our emotional intelligence usually isn't as

209
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:58,640
Speaker 4: strong around those people that we feel safe in around

210
00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:01,880
Speaker 4: because we kind of let down our guard. And it's

211
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaker 4: that whole thing in the mind where the mind makes

212
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,760
Speaker 4: choices based on the potential consequences. Right, so what do

213
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,840
Speaker 4: I send to gain versus what do I send to

214
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:14,120
Speaker 4: lose in this situation, the emotional intelligence when we look

215
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,640
Speaker 4: in those personal relationships and conversations, especially with the people

216
00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:20,520
Speaker 4: that we live with, we find that that emotional brain

217
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,640
Speaker 4: drives a lot more often than our logical brain does.

218
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,280
Speaker 4: So it is in play, our subconscious minds in play,

219
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:30,319
Speaker 4: our egos in play, which drives our opinions, which then

220
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:35,280
Speaker 4: shows those differences in there. So to manage your emotional

221
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,920
Speaker 4: intelligence and develop your emotional intelligence for your personal side

222
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:44,520
Speaker 4: is going to directly impact direct your relationships with the

223
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:47,800
Speaker 4: people that you live with, with your family, with your friends,

224
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,360
Speaker 4: the people you surround yourself with, because it's going to

225
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,520
Speaker 4: change communication and it helps us to get out of

226
00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:57,400
Speaker 4: our own head and actually realize it's not always about us.

227
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,200
Speaker 4: So from a personal side, some of the impacts that

228
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,520
Speaker 4: I've heard, you know, I've run, I've run programs within

229
00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:08,560
Speaker 4: organizations where we've gone into actually help the organization, but

230
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:12,440
Speaker 4: had people contact me later to say this is actually

231
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:16,319
Speaker 4: totally safe my marriage, like this is this has made

232
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,440
Speaker 4: me realize that, you know that I'm not being emotionally

233
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:22,400
Speaker 4: intelligent when I'm listening to my partner, that I am

234
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,640
Speaker 4: making it about me that you know, maybe they are

235
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,320
Speaker 4: right when they say I don't listen. So the impact

236
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:31,040
Speaker 4: can have a huge, a huge change to your life.

237
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,520
Speaker 4: So on your relationships are from the personal side, if

238
00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:37,240
Speaker 4: we just before, because.

239
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:38,880
Speaker 3: I actually I actually want to dive into that because

240
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:41,920
Speaker 3: it's interesting what you say that that that you know,

241
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,440
Speaker 3: with with those people, particularly with the ones that we

242
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,439
Speaker 3: live with, we kind of let our guard down a

243
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,040
Speaker 3: little bit. And I think everybody relates to that, right

244
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,080
Speaker 3: They talk differently to the people at home, yeah.

245
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,680
Speaker 2: Than they do to people at work.

246
00:13:55,080 --> 00:14:01,000
Speaker 3: So does that suggest then that emotional intelligence is really

247
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,520
Speaker 3: not that innate and that it's something that we need

248
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:10,480
Speaker 3: to really be conscious around. If our natural bent is

249
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,680
Speaker 3: to just not be that emotionally intelligent, you know where

250
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:19,760
Speaker 3: it's that animal instinct inness that's more about fucking me, me, me,

251
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:20,920
Speaker 3: and what are you doing to me?

252
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,080
Speaker 4: Exactly if you think about it, right, if you think

253
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,480
Speaker 4: about our mind does what it does, like it makes

254
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,560
Speaker 4: its choices, it says what it is. It does the

255
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,720
Speaker 4: things we do because it believes that it's the right

256
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,080
Speaker 4: way to do it. So we do the things that

257
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,240
Speaker 4: we do when we're stuck in our own mind and

258
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,320
Speaker 4: we say, what's in this for me? How will I

259
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,680
Speaker 4: benefit from this? And that's what you're kind of looking at,

260
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:46,400
Speaker 4: how will this make me feel? So when you're around

261
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:49,640
Speaker 4: other people that you feel safe around and they do

262
00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:53,920
Speaker 4: something different or they have a different opinion, or they're

263
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,640
Speaker 4: coming from a different angle, the mind kind of gets

264
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,520
Speaker 4: disrupted and thinks, well, hang on a second. If they're

265
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,400
Speaker 4: doing a friend the mirror of they've got a different

266
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,200
Speaker 4: opinion to me, what is that trying to tell me

267
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:07,360
Speaker 4: about my way of doing it? In my opinion because like,

268
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 4: clearly I'm right, like I do it this way because

269
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,360
Speaker 4: it's the right way. It's not rocket scides, just do

270
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:16,440
Speaker 4: it my way. So when we're fronted with people that

271
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,840
Speaker 4: don't do it the same way. That don't that aren't

272
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,440
Speaker 4: thinking about how we're feeling constantly. It is kind of

273
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:25,520
Speaker 4: that disruptor. And because we feel so safe in that environment,

274
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,600
Speaker 4: we have that that emotional hijack or that amindala hijack

275
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,440
Speaker 4: right where we just think, oh, we haven't got much

276
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,520
Speaker 4: to lose here. They love us. It's not like they're

277
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:35,840
Speaker 4: you know, we're going to lose our whole relationship or

278
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,600
Speaker 4: anything just over me saying one thing. So we just

279
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,400
Speaker 4: snap and we come straight up from our emotional mind.

280
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,360
Speaker 4: And it's that it's that need to be right, and

281
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,360
Speaker 4: we've wired that into ourselves with this whole world is

282
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,760
Speaker 4: based on being right, right, doing the right thing, being right,

283
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,080
Speaker 4: getting ahead because you've you know, you've got enough ticks

284
00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:01,040
Speaker 4: or you've got the right answers. So it's not that

285
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,840
Speaker 4: when we do feel safe in front of people, we

286
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,640
Speaker 4: will lower our god, we will be more selfish, we

287
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,680
Speaker 4: will think about it more from our point of view,

288
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,720
Speaker 4: we will stay more stuck in our head and be

289
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:12,960
Speaker 4: thinking about our feelings.

290
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:18,680
Speaker 3: And for us, it is kind of how the human

291
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:24,160
Speaker 3: brand works, right, is that we perceive reality, perceive reality

292
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:29,360
Speaker 3: through our personal lands and and and really deep down

293
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:32,840
Speaker 3: in your Brian, in the chimp briand the emotional brand.

294
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,560
Speaker 1: It's just me, me, me, me.

295
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,400
Speaker 3: Me, And we need to learn strategies. And I think,

296
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,520
Speaker 3: as you rightly say, when you're around people that you

297
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,280
Speaker 3: feel safe and secure with you're you're you're more likely

298
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:48,240
Speaker 3: to be that natural decad pot, right.

299
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:54,040
Speaker 4: That's right, It just comes straight out because it's kind

300
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,600
Speaker 4: of I guess it's that it's that old, you know,

301
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,800
Speaker 4: challenge or question that says, you know, when we do things,

302
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,240
Speaker 4: when we do things for charity, do we actually do

303
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,040
Speaker 4: them for the people to benefit or do we do

304
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,959
Speaker 4: them because it makes us feel like a good person.

305
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,119
Speaker 4: Do we do things for our kids because you know

306
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,040
Speaker 4: they benefit from it, or do we do it because

307
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,680
Speaker 4: it makes us feel like a good parent. We are

308
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:19,119
Speaker 4: constantly striving, naturally defaulting to be the best person we

309
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,080
Speaker 4: can be. But from it's from an egotistical reflection, right

310
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,639
Speaker 4: is yeah, So the more comfortable we are, we're going

311
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,080
Speaker 4: to let that happen where you put us into an

312
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,760
Speaker 4: environment where we're not as safe, it's not as comfortable,

313
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,959
Speaker 4: then we are a little bit more aware of it

314
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,920
Speaker 4: because the consequence can do so much time.

315
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:40,840
Speaker 3: And yet and judgment of others that we don't know, right,

316
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:44,120
Speaker 3: that we don't have credits with and strive.

317
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,000
Speaker 1: So we're on our best behavior.

318
00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:51,480
Speaker 3: So let's not skip to the workplace and just individual

319
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,520
Speaker 3: to individual within the workplace the impact of emotional intelligence,

320
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,320
Speaker 3: and then from a leadership perspective, because I think probably

321
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,080
Speaker 3: lots of people who are listening to us will have

322
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,399
Speaker 3: had leaders or no co workers who are not that

323
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,680
Speaker 3: sharp in this area, and another ones who have had

324
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,720
Speaker 3: co workers and leaders who are cracking in this area.

325
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'd even add a third angle to it to Paul,

326
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,280
Speaker 4: is that you've what I noticed most of all is

327
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:21,960
Speaker 4: when I go into organizations, you've got the levels of

328
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,360
Speaker 4: emotional intelligence between individuals as you said, and their interactions,

329
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,560
Speaker 4: and then between the leaders. But then you've also got

330
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,479
Speaker 4: the external emotional intelligence because a lot of the time

331
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:36,200
Speaker 4: when we're looking externally to our customers, to our clients,

332
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,160
Speaker 4: to our community, to whoever we're kind of serving through

333
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,240
Speaker 4: that organization, we tend to do emotional intelligence well. Then,

334
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,920
Speaker 4: but when we look internally, we're really not. We look

335
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:54,760
Speaker 4: for right right, because you feel safer because when you're

336
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,280
Speaker 4: speaking with customers direct, you've got more of a risk

337
00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,359
Speaker 4: that either a stranger, but they could make a complaint,

338
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,320
Speaker 4: it could impact your job where you feel like you've

339
00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:07,359
Speaker 4: got more fighting you to or you're seeing more on

340
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,600
Speaker 4: even path with those people internally, so you kind of

341
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 4: drop that that little bit. Now, those internal relationships are

342
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,840
Speaker 4: probably where we see some of the poorest emotional intelligence.

343
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,360
Speaker 4: And again that is because the longer you've been there,

344
00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:23,040
Speaker 4: and if you kind of picture somebody that goes into

345
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,880
Speaker 4: an organization, into a new workplace, those first couple of months,

346
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,600
Speaker 4: you kind of like on your best behavior, right, and

347
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,880
Speaker 4: then the more comfortable you get, the more you get

348
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,960
Speaker 4: to know people, the more opinions you make on the

349
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,320
Speaker 4: people around you, as well as when you start to

350
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,159
Speaker 4: bring that emotional money into play and you start to

351
00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:43,119
Speaker 4: drop that logical brain and you start to drop your

352
00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:48,359
Speaker 4: emotional intelligence in situations so that that self cided start

353
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,520
Speaker 4: of our mind starts to drive a little bit more

354
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:56,960
Speaker 4: so your emotional intelligence one hundred percent. It influences and

355
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,280
Speaker 4: it impacts your culture. So any workplace that you're going

356
00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:03,800
Speaker 4: to walk into, if it has a great culture, it

357
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 4: is because the emotional intelligence is high, or the emotional

358
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:12,160
Speaker 4: intelligence is very well managed. And noticed where you walk

359
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,360
Speaker 4: into a toxic workplace, you walk into places where you've

360
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:20,760
Speaker 4: got people in conflict or you know, underperformance or people

361
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,760
Speaker 4: in wrong jobs. And that's when we know that the

362
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:27,240
Speaker 4: emotional intelligence is lacking and it's just not there because

363
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 4: the right conversations are tough conversations are not being had,

364
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 4: the honesty is not happening, the you know, the decency

365
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,600
Speaker 4: to be able to get out of your own head

366
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,320
Speaker 4: and understand what other people are going through and what

367
00:20:38,359 --> 00:20:42,119
Speaker 4: they're being impacted, how you're impacting them. That's that's the

368
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:43,560
Speaker 4: impact of emotionally intelligence.

369
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 3: Doctor seem to me that see if the insecurity is

370
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:54,600
Speaker 3: the saboteur of emotional intelligence, Well, that's.

371
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:54,920
Speaker 1: What I say.

372
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,920
Speaker 4: Right, every single time you make a choice, your mind

373
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,600
Speaker 4: is going to weigh up and say what do I

374
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,480
Speaker 4: seem to gain from this? What do I tend to lose?

375
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,920
Speaker 1: That is completely aligned.

376
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,720
Speaker 3: To the integrate model of the way the brain marks

377
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:12,359
Speaker 3: by the brit Sciences Institute, and they say that the

378
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 3: core twin motivations of everybody is to minimize the injer

379
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:20,040
Speaker 3: or threat and maximize reward. Right, And it's that constant

380
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:25,360
Speaker 3: evaluations going on right. Very interesting now, let's not talk

381
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:29,320
Speaker 3: about your framework, right, So you have a framework around

382
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,159
Speaker 3: emotional intelligence and five different things own it, fiace it,

383
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:34,600
Speaker 3: feel it, askt drive it.

384
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:38,240
Speaker 2: So let's take each one of those in turns. So firstly,

385
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,320
Speaker 2: own it. What do you mean by own it.

386
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:43,639
Speaker 1: When it comes to emotional intelligence.

387
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:48,919
Speaker 4: Yeah, so, Paul, if I could sum up emotional intelligence

388
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:52,080
Speaker 4: in two words, it would be own it. Own It

389
00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:55,399
Speaker 4: is about owning who you are. It's about owning the

390
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,720
Speaker 4: values and beliefs that you've made in your life that

391
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,480
Speaker 4: are driving and driving those decisions to get you where

392
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:03,919
Speaker 4: you are. It's about owning how well you manage your

393
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,639
Speaker 4: own emotions, Owning the impact you have on the people

394
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:11,359
Speaker 4: around you. Owning reality, Owning the fact that sometimes things

395
00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 4: will happen and you have no control over it. But

396
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,439
Speaker 4: you've got to own the reality and that this is happening.

397
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 4: Whether I like it or not, this is happening, and

398
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,520
Speaker 4: I can try to be in denial, but in order

399
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,359
Speaker 4: to move forward, I have to own the reality of

400
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,119
Speaker 4: the situation. And I have to own my own self

401
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,119
Speaker 4: awareness and the role that I play in it. So

402
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:34,040
Speaker 4: that ownership is heavily around your self awareness. But it's

403
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,600
Speaker 4: so much more than that, it's about really owning your

404
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,960
Speaker 4: own definition of success, owning your purpose, owning while you

405
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,480
Speaker 4: get out of bed every morning, owning what is driving

406
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,720
Speaker 4: you to kind of hit that happiness level or what

407
00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:51,520
Speaker 4: you truly believe is happiness. So you've got to start

408
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,880
Speaker 4: with owner. You have to understand how you are wired

409
00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:58,959
Speaker 4: and what is driving you and what your kind of

410
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,520
Speaker 4: what you're head into wars like what does what is that?

411
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,680
Speaker 4: What is that enoughness that you're looking for in your life.

412
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,440
Speaker 3: It seems to me that that's quite aligned with Victor

413
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:14,040
Speaker 3: Frankel and the last of human freedoms? Right?

414
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 2: Is that the he said, and that came out of

415
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 2: is Fits.

416
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,040
Speaker 3: For those who don't know it, Victor Frankl was a

417
00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:21,720
Speaker 3: Jew psychiatrist who was imprisoned in Fits and a couple

418
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:26,120
Speaker 3: of other concentration camps. But but realize through that process,

419
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,800
Speaker 3: he said, mine can take from you everything, your dignity,

420
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 3: your pride, your belongings, your loved ones, everything but one thing,

421
00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,880
Speaker 3: your ability to choose how you react to your circumstances.

422
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:40,400
Speaker 3: And that's that that seems to play into this.

423
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,480
Speaker 4: It does. It is around that choice. And I'm a

424
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,800
Speaker 4: big believer in you know we are where we are

425
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:53,359
Speaker 4: in life based on those choices, and I think it's

426
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,760
Speaker 4: it's one of the to me, it's that real hit you,

427
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,199
Speaker 4: light bulb moment when you when you're working on your

428
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,879
Speaker 4: emotional intelligent because it's so easy for our mind to

429
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 4: blame other people, to say, well, this is happening because

430
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,040
Speaker 4: they did this, or you know, the world is like this,

431
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,000
Speaker 4: or this happened. But at the end of the day,

432
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 4: you've you've got to own the fact that you've made

433
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 4: choices throughout that period as well, and the choices that

434
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 4: you've made have actually led to it, and you've got

435
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,320
Speaker 4: to own the role that you're playing in it because

436
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 4: you always have that choice, and you know, without that

437
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:32,280
Speaker 4: without that level of awareness, without that ownership to say, Okay,

438
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 4: I'm going to take some of this blame on here

439
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:38,120
Speaker 4: because it is actually me, Like you know, maybe maybe

440
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:40,399
Speaker 4: it's not everyone around me, Maybe I am the problem

441
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 4: with myself, maybe I am my own worst enemy. And also,

442
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,480
Speaker 4: as I said, it's it's not just that self area,

443
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,119
Speaker 4: it's that realization too that things are going to happen

444
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 4: around you and you have no control over it. You

445
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:58,199
Speaker 4: cannot control any other person. You cannot control the situation.

446
00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:00,399
Speaker 4: You can only control how you choose to res spond.

447
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:05,119
Speaker 4: But you have to own the reality that once something

448
00:25:05,119 --> 00:25:06,880
Speaker 4: has happened, it's happened.

449
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 3: Like move on, move on into the stoic zooms of control,

450
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,879
Speaker 3: right and focusing on that which you can control. Jocko

451
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,119
Speaker 3: Williams would love you this old idea of extreme ownership.

452
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 3: And so let's let's talk to the second one after

453
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,120
Speaker 3: own it is fierce it So what do you mean

454
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:27,560
Speaker 3: by that?

455
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, so, face it was still in our own head.

456
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,239
Speaker 4: So I don't own it is when we're in our

457
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 4: own head. Face it was still in our own head.

458
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:38,280
Speaker 4: And this is when all of the emotions start to

459
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 4: come into play. Right, So when we've got to the

460
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:43,600
Speaker 4: point that we've owned the fact that, oh gosh, actually

461
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,080
Speaker 4: it is me and I am having an impact on this,

462
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,439
Speaker 4: I am playing a role, or own the fact that

463
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,800
Speaker 4: this is happening around us. This face, it is when

464
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,040
Speaker 4: all of these emotions start to come up. And they

465
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 4: might be it might be fear, it might be angry,

466
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,120
Speaker 4: it might be upset, it might be excitement, it might

467
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,040
Speaker 4: be loved, it might be happy in this whatever it is.

468
00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 4: But at this point in time, the emotional brain is

469
00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 4: just going to send forth all of these emotions and

470
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,640
Speaker 4: you might go through hundreds of emotions in relation to this.

471
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,640
Speaker 4: But the face it is about the fact that your

472
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 4: emotions are actually your emotions occur for a reason and

473
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 4: you have to face them. To not face your emotions,

474
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 4: to kind of ignore them, or to put a lid

475
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:24,879
Speaker 4: on them and push them down and just hope that

476
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,880
Speaker 4: they go away, is never going to help with those

477
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,240
Speaker 4: emotions and it's never going to help with you moving forward.

478
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,240
Speaker 4: So in this face zone, it is all about understanding

479
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,080
Speaker 4: how these emotions are coming into play, what is actually

480
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,879
Speaker 4: driving them, But how do I face them and process

481
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 4: them and clear them inable to move on rather than

482
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,359
Speaker 4: them compounding and building up, because if you have that

483
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:53,720
Speaker 4: compounding a pressure, Yeah, and usually at.

484
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:58,560
Speaker 1: The worst.

485
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,200
Speaker 4: Exactly right, it's I always like to say, I don't

486
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,560
Speaker 4: know if I don't know if you read it, Paul,

487
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 4: but you know, when I was younger, there's there's a

488
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 4: book for the young kids who sank the boat, and

489
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,119
Speaker 4: it's it's all of these animals. It's kind of like,

490
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 4: you know, you've got a war for a jetty and

491
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 4: a little dinghy at the end, and they walk all

492
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 4: the animals down and they're getting based on size like

493
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,719
Speaker 4: your horse furst and your cow in your sheep and

494
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,960
Speaker 4: et cetera. And the boat is floating until the little

495
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,520
Speaker 4: mouse jumps on and then the boat sinks, and it's

496
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,960
Speaker 4: like it's like sometimes we're sitting in front of somebody

497
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:34,000
Speaker 4: and they're absolutely blowing up, like the pressure cooker has exploded,

498
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 4: and we're thinking, how like this is not that big

499
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,520
Speaker 4: a deal, but we don't realize it was all those

500
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:43,520
Speaker 4: other animals compounding and compounding that just kind of created

501
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,800
Speaker 4: the boom or the right.

502
00:27:45,119 --> 00:27:47,360
Speaker 2: So let's move on to the next one.

503
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 3: We talked about owning it, and we've talked about fiercing it.

504
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 3: Now let's talk about feel it.

505
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 4: Okay, So feel it is when we get out of

506
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 4: our own heads so they own it and face that.

507
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 4: Once you're through those two steps, you realize, okay, I'm

508
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:07,080
Speaker 4: okay with this, I've owned it, I've faced my emotions.

509
00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 4: Now you get out of your own head and you

510
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 4: start to think, how are the people around me feeling?

511
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,119
Speaker 4: So this is when your empathy kicks in. This is

512
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 4: your ability to say, okay, it's no longer about me.

513
00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:21,920
Speaker 4: I'm okay, how are they feeling? And this is when

514
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 4: we start to understand and you know, know that other

515
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,439
Speaker 4: people are not failed versions of us that other people,

516
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,680
Speaker 4: you know, will it be wired different, they'll have different responses.

517
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,399
Speaker 4: And this is not where judgment comes into play. This

518
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:38,200
Speaker 4: is looking to understand their wiring and you know, what

519
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 4: they're bringing to the table, and to help them get

520
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:43,479
Speaker 4: through it. It's about empowerment and as I said, it's

521
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 4: about empathy. It's about understanding their strengths, the roles that

522
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 4: they play, and it's also understanding how you impact them

523
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 4: as well. So what does things look like from their

524
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,080
Speaker 4: point of view, from their side, from the way that

525
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 4: they are feeling.

526
00:28:57,080 --> 00:29:01,880
Speaker 3: Curiosity please a huge rule here, isn't it? And it's

527
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:06,960
Speaker 3: understanding that we will often just jump to judgment of others.

528
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,880
Speaker 3: But if we're to actually sit back and be curious

529
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 3: and go, that's an interesting response, like where did that

530
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:15,560
Speaker 3: come from?

531
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,360
Speaker 2: Right? And you know, is that something in that person?

532
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 3: But is that something that I said or the way

533
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 3: that I actually said it? And I guess this one

534
00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:32,480
Speaker 3: it feels to me like is probably easier to practice

535
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 3: and get better at quicker than the previous two right.

536
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, so face it is by far the toughest

537
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:46,560
Speaker 4: part of emotional intelligence, Like controlling your emotions is the

538
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 4: toughest side because you're working against the science of the

539
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 4: mind right the way which we're wired. But when you

540
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 4: get to this point and feel it, there are small

541
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 4: one percent is that you can put in place so quickly,

542
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:01,720
Speaker 4: but it's it's also being on the sit and understand

543
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:08,680
Speaker 4: how other people are, how other people approach things, and

544
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,640
Speaker 4: that is it's easier because it's knowledge that you're taking

545
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 4: on and learning from it. But you're not having to

546
00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:17,280
Speaker 4: rewire anything within yourself. You're not you're not having to

547
00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 4: rechange habits or long term imbedments where this is okay,

548
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 4: I get it now. And at this stage, you know,

549
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 4: I see some people literally like their faces just drop

550
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 4: and go oh now, I get it, now, I get it.

551
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 4: That's why you know, when I'm going to this person

552
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,320
Speaker 4: and I'm giving a really short, sharp communication, they're coming

553
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,000
Speaker 4: back at me with questions and want to see details

554
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 4: and statistics and research. That's why it's not because they're

555
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 4: questioning my ability or my credibility or what I'm telling them.

556
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,440
Speaker 4: It's the fact that they learn through information. Their mind

557
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 4: requires more data. It's more data driven where mine is

558
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:56,360
Speaker 4: very big picture, high level.

559
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,400
Speaker 1: And I think it's kind of helpful here.

560
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 3: And it's going back to what you said about our

561
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,880
Speaker 3: kind of view of the world is shaped by our

562
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 3: belief systems, our experiences or emotions.

563
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:12,160
Speaker 2: And stuff like that.

564
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,640
Speaker 1: And I find it it's really helpful for people.

565
00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:20,160
Speaker 3: To understand that your brain is a bond's eye, right,

566
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:26,360
Speaker 3: and it's running a personalized hallucination of reality, right, and

567
00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 3: my brain's running a slightly different personalized hallucination of reality.

568
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,760
Speaker 3: Like anybody who thinks that their view of the world

569
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 3: is real is completely demented, right, because that brain is

570
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:42,640
Speaker 3: just a filter that becomes shaped by experience. And I

571
00:31:42,640 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 3: think when you understand that, it kind of really helps

572
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,680
Speaker 3: this feel it this empathy bit, because and you combine

573
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 3: it with curiosity, it's like, ah, okay, right, maybe I

574
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 3: shouldn't expect everybody to react the way that I think

575
00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 3: they should react.

576
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 4: Right, exactly right. I love that bon Si example. It

577
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 4: takes me back to Biagi days, right, that you'll never

578
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 4: have a Bonzie that is exactly the same. It's all

579
00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 4: going to look slightly different and depending on the way

580
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 4: that you trim it the way that you craft it,

581
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 4: it's going to look different again. And yeah, that is

582
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 4: very good.

583
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 1: Can be reshiped, right, Yes, that's right, So let's right

584
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,760
Speaker 1: move on to ask it. So I think it that's

585
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: about interaction, is it?

586
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 4: Yeah? Yeah, so ask it is about asking the right questions,

587
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 4: but it's also more importantly about answering the questions that

588
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:40,440
Speaker 4: are being asked of you. So this is where your

589
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:43,280
Speaker 4: two way communication comes in. It's where we start to

590
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,240
Speaker 4: understand that communication is actually not about us. It's one

591
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 4: hundred percent about the person receiving the message. And the

592
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:53,760
Speaker 4: whole definition around communication is to be able to get

593
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 4: a message from one person through to another. So the

594
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 4: EI side of this is when we start to tap

595
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:02,320
Speaker 4: in and realize that if we are communicating and the

596
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 4: person who we are communicating with is not understanding the message,

597
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:10,160
Speaker 4: that's on us, Like we are not communicating in a

598
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,719
Speaker 4: way that works for that person that they are understanding it.

599
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 4: So we cannot just you know, give up and put

600
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 4: up a hand and say, well it's done, clearly they

601
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 4: don't understand me. No, Actually, you're going to take responsibility

602
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 4: in this how you actually communicating it and it's you know,

603
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 4: we dive deeper into that communication because I think if

604
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 4: you look at like if we go personal and work right,

605
00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 4: if you look at any marriage or any relationship that's

606
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:37,360
Speaker 4: not working, usually the first thing that's called out communication.

607
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,240
Speaker 4: If you're looking at one that works really well, first

608
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 4: thing they call out communication. You look at any culture

609
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:46,480
Speaker 4: in any environment, and if it's working really well, first

610
00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:51,840
Speaker 4: thing they call out communication, bad communication. It's it is

611
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:56,680
Speaker 4: how human beings interact, and when you have two or

612
00:33:56,720 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 4: more human beings interacting, it is how that interaction happens.

613
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:05,040
Speaker 4: The questions that they ask, the listening that they're doing,

614
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 4: the answers that they're providing, the back and forth that

615
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,000
Speaker 4: is going to determine the appect.

616
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:15,359
Speaker 3: I remember going through military training and they always said

617
00:34:15,400 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 3: to us, you can never over communicate clarity, and and

618
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:21,360
Speaker 3: I think that's a big part.

619
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:23,120
Speaker 2: Of communication, is not just.

620
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:29,080
Speaker 3: Giving your community, delivering your communication and expecting that it's

621
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:32,720
Speaker 3: landed the way that you intended. I think that checking

622
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:36,279
Speaker 3: how it's actually landed and checking the understanding of it

623
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:39,759
Speaker 3: right and by and by the way, email is shiit

624
00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:41,080
Speaker 3: house form of communication.

625
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:46,480
Speaker 4: Oh, don't get me startled. In my first book, there's

626
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:50,359
Speaker 4: a whole chapter on emotionally intelligency and email. It absolutely

627
00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:50,880
Speaker 4: kills me.

628
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:54,280
Speaker 2: It does not exist.

629
00:34:58,120 --> 00:35:01,680
Speaker 4: I was like, do not do this, But I think,

630
00:35:01,719 --> 00:35:04,080
Speaker 4: you know, we've got to accept the fact that the

631
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 4: way that the world is going in communication is going

632
00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:13,319
Speaker 4: Verbal communication, unfortunately, is decreasing, and you know, forms of

633
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 4: electronic communication are increasing massively. And we've always known that

634
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,400
Speaker 4: tone and body language is more important than the words

635
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,359
Speaker 4: that we use. However, when when we have electronic communication,

636
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:28,600
Speaker 4: we've got to start to be aware that tone and

637
00:35:28,719 --> 00:35:33,239
Speaker 4: body language isn't naturally evident, but the mind still needs it.

638
00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 4: So the person perceiving it will make it up, and

639
00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:38,400
Speaker 4: they're going to make it up based on your relationship

640
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:43,320
Speaker 4: the words you use. So you've got it. It's probably

641
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 4: even more important with electronic communication to get it right,

642
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 4: to know the impacts of the words you're using, to

643
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,319
Speaker 4: know the impact of you know, whether it's a two

644
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:53,279
Speaker 4: line email or.

645
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:56,759
Speaker 3: You're in a rush and you're just far off an

646
00:35:56,800 --> 00:36:00,520
Speaker 3: email right and don't sit and tick the time to

647
00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 3: read it and all of that, and that can just

648
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,000
Speaker 3: line horrible.

649
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 4: Because you're in that conscious mind. And I do it myself,

650
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,120
Speaker 4: pull I'll see done, and you know, smash out an

651
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 4: email and then before I send it, I'll read and

652
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,239
Speaker 4: I think, oh, Amy, you are completely in your own

653
00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 4: head right now, like this is all about you. How

654
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:21,919
Speaker 4: about you actually say hi? And how about you check

655
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 4: in with this person? So it's it's just that it

656
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 4: is that environment that we're in that is such a

657
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,399
Speaker 4: you know, I hate the word busy. It is that

658
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:36,000
Speaker 4: it's in that intense reaction. Everything has to be done now,

659
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:38,640
Speaker 4: and everything has to be done at a speed. And

660
00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:41,799
Speaker 4: when that happens, it's our conscious mind driving it, and

661
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,239
Speaker 4: a subconscious mind just doesn't come into play very often,

662
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,799
Speaker 4: and that's where we lose. Like our emotional intelligence is

663
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,480
Speaker 4: sitting in our subconscious minds. So if we're not engaging

664
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:55,120
Speaker 4: that subconscious mind, it's going to be very yeah, very

665
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:55,760
Speaker 4: black mind.

666
00:36:56,520 --> 00:36:59,440
Speaker 1: Very class one is drive it.

667
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,319
Speaker 3: I presumably this is not drive a stick through the

668
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:10,000
Speaker 3: heart of the person who's not understanding you.

669
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 4: No, definitely not. But this drive is this is where

670
00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:16,239
Speaker 4: the rubber hits the road. Right, So you've gone through,

671
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 4: you've owned it, you've faced all your emotions, you've got

672
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 4: out of your own head, you've understood how the people

673
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,279
Speaker 4: around you are feeling. You've engaged them in conversation, you've

674
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,799
Speaker 4: spoken about it and answered the questions. And drive it

675
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:29,520
Speaker 4: is the doing part. It's the motivation. So how do

676
00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,279
Speaker 4: you actually take it now? Because I think there's one part.

677
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 4: You know, at times, emotional intelligence can be seen as

678
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 4: a soft thing. And drive it is the area that

679
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:41,759
Speaker 4: you've got to be decisive and you know what, not

680
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:44,400
Speaker 4: everyone's going to agree with you, but you have to

681
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 4: be decisive and you have to drive it at some

682
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,759
Speaker 4: point in time. And when you do drive it, it's

683
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:52,879
Speaker 4: about making sure that you're working smart, not hard. So

684
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 4: are you working with the way that the brain is wired,

685
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:57,880
Speaker 4: or are you working in a way that you know,

686
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:01,280
Speaker 4: there's no denying that you're working hard, but you're achieving

687
00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:04,080
Speaker 4: nothing because you're just you know, tapping into so many

688
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:06,439
Speaker 4: things that you're spending most of your day with your

689
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:11,160
Speaker 4: mind having to refocus, refocus, refocus, that you're actually never

690
00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 4: hitting that peak performance. So drive it is being able

691
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:18,920
Speaker 4: to take things and because unfortunately we're great ideas but

692
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,600
Speaker 4: not always good at implementing them. So it's been able

693
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:24,239
Speaker 4: to take them the way the mind is wired in

694
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 4: order to trigger those chemical reactions in our mind that

695
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:30,279
Speaker 4: actually give us the motivation and give us the drive

696
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 4: to move forward and impact it. Cool.

697
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:37,600
Speaker 3: Let's take all of that and throw it into a

698
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 3: couple of scenarios, right, And I want to get the

699
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,319
Speaker 3: distilled version of you because I think these scenarios people

700
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:46,040
Speaker 3: could just go back and listen to what you said

701
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:46,879
Speaker 3: and work it out.

702
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,600
Speaker 2: But if you kind of put it together.

703
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:56,840
Speaker 3: So in terms of navigating difficult or challenging conversations, are people,

704
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 3: what's your kind of strategy for people to use?

705
00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:06,240
Speaker 4: Yep, So if we look at that five step process

706
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:09,360
Speaker 4: when it comes to difficult conversations and starting with the owner,

707
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,680
Speaker 4: you have got to own the fact that this conversation

708
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:15,719
Speaker 4: needs to happen. So many times we will avoid it

709
00:39:15,760 --> 00:39:18,399
Speaker 4: at all costs, will sweep it under the carpet, will

710
00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:21,759
Speaker 4: convince ourselves that oh no, everything's okay now, or you know,

711
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,759
Speaker 4: it's okay. But you've got to own the fact that

712
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:28,319
Speaker 4: this conversation needs to happen and you have to do

713
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:32,560
Speaker 4: it. It's a must thing that you have to do. When

714
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,320
Speaker 4: we get into the face it the face it is

715
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,120
Speaker 4: as soon as you accept the fact that, okay, this

716
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:37,960
Speaker 4: is happening and I'm going to have to do something

717
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,200
Speaker 4: about it. This is where the fear kicks in, right,

718
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:44,319
Speaker 4: because as human beings like fear of the unknown, fear

719
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:46,520
Speaker 4: of not knowing how this person's going to respond in

720
00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:48,520
Speaker 4: this situation. Are they going to get angry? Are they

721
00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:51,640
Speaker 4: going to get upset? You know, how are they actually

722
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,480
Speaker 4: going to respond? It's the fear of judgment. Are they

723
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,319
Speaker 4: going to judge me in the way that I deliver it?

724
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,120
Speaker 4: It is the fear of confrontations.

725
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,600
Speaker 3: I was going to say, and there's a lot of

726
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 3: people who do not like come from frontiation, right and

727
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,399
Speaker 3: that this is a shitlold wash.

728
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:11,839
Speaker 4: For them, exactly right. And this is a mistake that

729
00:40:11,880 --> 00:40:13,799
Speaker 4: we make, Paul, in this area, is that when we

730
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:17,279
Speaker 4: don't face these emotions and process them, what we do

731
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:21,240
Speaker 4: is the amygdaler gets triggered and we go into fight mode,

732
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,520
Speaker 4: which means that because that fear is kind of connected

733
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 4: in our head and we don't feel completely safe, we

734
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 4: arm ourself. And what I say is we over prepare.

735
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,560
Speaker 4: We arm ourselves with as much information as we possibly can,

736
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:38,200
Speaker 4: so we pull in every stat every report, everything that

737
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,840
Speaker 4: you know, this person said five years ago that I

738
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:43,359
Speaker 4: still haven't gotten over it. And we get it's kind

739
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:45,680
Speaker 4: of like, by the time we go into this conversation,

740
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:50,239
Speaker 4: we have this huge backpack of ammunition on our back

741
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,880
Speaker 4: ready to go, and the minute we go into it,

742
00:40:52,880 --> 00:40:56,080
Speaker 4: it triggers the amigdaler and the other person and they

743
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 4: come out fighting as well, because they're fighting for their lives.

744
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:01,440
Speaker 4: So this face it areas where you've got to face

745
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,840
Speaker 4: those emotions. You've got to process them, You've got to

746
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:08,799
Speaker 4: understand that, you know, this conversation is actually not about you, Like,

747
00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 4: I know you're scared, and I know you don't like confrontation,

748
00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:14,040
Speaker 4: but this conversation is not about you, and what are

749
00:41:14,080 --> 00:41:16,960
Speaker 4: you looking to get out of this conversation. So when

750
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:19,440
Speaker 4: we get through that face it and we start to

751
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 4: go in to feel it, and we start to think, Okay,

752
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,040
Speaker 4: how is this person feeling like because a lot of

753
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:28,839
Speaker 4: the time, the reason why we're having the conversation is

754
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 4: not the real reason why it's happening. So we might

755
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:36,280
Speaker 4: be having a conversation because somebody has done something poorly

756
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:39,160
Speaker 4: or said something poorly. But when you actually get out

757
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,120
Speaker 4: of your own head and you ask the right questions

758
00:41:42,200 --> 00:41:45,399
Speaker 4: and you empathize and you listen to them, you hear

759
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,760
Speaker 4: that the problem is actually something way deeper, way deeper

760
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,600
Speaker 4: than that, and if you just fix the situation, you're

761
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 4: putting a band aid on it. You're absolutely just bandating it.

762
00:41:55,600 --> 00:41:59,040
Speaker 4: So how do you then get to the point where

763
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,520
Speaker 4: you know? This is where the open questions come in?

764
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:03,640
Speaker 4: Right where you ask, it kicks in and we ask

765
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:08,319
Speaker 4: open questions, and just even your standard question, like any

766
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:11,840
Speaker 4: difficult conversation, should start with how are you? And a

767
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,840
Speaker 4: genuine how are you? Because if you're going into a

768
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,239
Speaker 4: difficult conversation, you find out that that person has just

769
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 4: had a morning where they've had to put their pet down.

770
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:27,600
Speaker 4: Having conversation right right, because if you're pushing ahead, it

771
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:29,759
Speaker 4: shows that you're in your own head and you're doing

772
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:32,360
Speaker 4: this for your sake, not for their sake. You're not

773
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 4: doing it for the right outcome. You're doing it to

774
00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,000
Speaker 4: tick the box and say I've done it. I've done

775
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,759
Speaker 4: what I needed to do. The rest is on them,

776
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:42,200
Speaker 4: so feel it and ask It is really about getting

777
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:45,840
Speaker 4: that empathy side, understanding it, but asking the really vital

778
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:49,440
Speaker 4: question of how do we fix this? And sometimes we've

779
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 4: got to ask that question four or five times because

780
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,880
Speaker 4: their mind will naturally go back into that emotional hijack

781
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,359
Speaker 4: of you know, all of those emotions flowing out. We've

782
00:42:58,360 --> 00:42:59,839
Speaker 4: got to pull them back in and say, but how

783
00:42:59,880 --> 00:43:02,560
Speaker 4: do we fix this? How do we actually fix this?

784
00:43:02,680 --> 00:43:04,560
Speaker 4: How do we move forward? And it's not until we

785
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,919
Speaker 4: can get them to kind of to draw that line

786
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:11,040
Speaker 4: in the stand and say, okay, let's go into the

787
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 4: fix it mode. Now that then we enter into the

788
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:16,880
Speaker 4: drive it and that's where your actions happen. So we've

789
00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:19,400
Speaker 4: got to go through the process of own it, face it, field,

790
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:21,480
Speaker 4: ask it, to drive it. But by the time we

791
00:43:21,520 --> 00:43:23,680
Speaker 4: go into the conversation, we should be at feel it,

792
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 4: but the other person will probably still be at own it.

793
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,279
Speaker 4: So we've got to help them to own it. We've

794
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 4: got to help them to go through their emotions. We've

795
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,400
Speaker 4: got to listen to their emotions, we've got to empathize

796
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,840
Speaker 4: with their emotions. Then we've got to help them to

797
00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:38,319
Speaker 4: get in to feel it and know, Okay, let's get

798
00:43:38,360 --> 00:43:41,640
Speaker 4: out of your own head. How is this impacting everything

799
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:44,520
Speaker 4: else around you? Then you help them going to ask it,

800
00:43:44,840 --> 00:43:46,560
Speaker 4: and then you help them going to drive it. So

801
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,480
Speaker 4: by the time you get to the end of the conversation,

802
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:52,640
Speaker 4: you're on the same page. You've got clear actions, you've

803
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 4: got your support there that you're offering them as well

804
00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,920
Speaker 4: to go through it and you go through it together.

805
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:00,719
Speaker 4: And that's that wee word, right, like, how do we

806
00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:04,319
Speaker 4: fix this? How do we do this together? Rather than

807
00:44:04,360 --> 00:44:08,160
Speaker 4: being those two people that come into a conversation armed

808
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:12,839
Speaker 4: with ammunition ready to fight against Yeah, right, between both

809
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,800
Speaker 4: of mindalers. Like it's like imber LINKEDNT.

810
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:20,560
Speaker 1: That usually ends the widespread master destruction.

811
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:26,520
Speaker 4: Right, the battle of egos? Right, it's like you are wrong,

812
00:44:26,719 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 4: I am right?

813
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:31,840
Speaker 1: So where where this letter listers?

814
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,520
Speaker 2: Or when does the book come out?

815
00:44:34,480 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 3: It's pretty dumb, soon, isn't it?

816
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:41,720
Speaker 4: It is twenty fifth of June is when it hits

817
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,879
Speaker 4: all bookstores worldwide. You can find it online, you find

818
00:44:44,880 --> 00:44:51,200
Speaker 4: it open at the moment. Yep. Yeah, so if if

819
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 4: you jump onto Amazon, Amazon has free orders. Are not

820
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 4: free pre orders, free orders taking at the moment. So

821
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:02,880
Speaker 4: your twenty the Jude is where it will hit all bookstores,

822
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:03,839
Speaker 4: airports pretty much.

823
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,480
Speaker 3: And what was the name of your first book as well?

824
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:08,760
Speaker 3: Let's not forget about the first baby.

825
00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, so the first book. Here's something I prepared earlier.

826
00:45:14,440 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 4: This is the first book. So this is Emotional Intelligence,

827
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 4: a simple and actionable guide to increasing performance, engagement and ownership.

828
00:45:21,840 --> 00:45:24,719
Speaker 4: And as I said that, that's your fundamental basics. And

829
00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 4: the name of the second book, the name of the

830
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:32,840
Speaker 4: second book is the Emotional Intelligence Advantage and it is

831
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,440
Speaker 4: mastering change and difficult conversation. So it's going to that.

832
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 3: Indeed, and then if people want because you're a keynote

833
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:43,839
Speaker 3: speaker as well, so if people want to services, get

834
00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:48,040
Speaker 3: you come in teach their workplaces how to actually communicate

835
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:51,640
Speaker 3: and improve performance and everything along with it.

836
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:53,000
Speaker 1: How do they do that?

837
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:58,080
Speaker 4: Yep? Just jump onto my website which is Amy Jacobson

838
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:01,399
Speaker 4: dot com dot au and you'll find all the information there.

839
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:03,560
Speaker 4: You can find me on any social media as well,

840
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,600
Speaker 4: and find my phone number. Pick up the phone and

841
00:46:05,640 --> 00:46:07,799
Speaker 4: give me a call. I love a chat as you

842
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:08,799
Speaker 4: can probably tell.

843
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:10,200
Speaker 2: Let we go. Excellent.

844
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,879
Speaker 1: Okay, Amy, thank you for enlightening us.

845
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:17,239
Speaker 3: About emotional intelligence and the fact that we need to

846
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,200
Speaker 3: own it, face it, feel it, ask it, and drive it.

847
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:22,800
Speaker 1: And I would just encourage the listeners.

848
00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,440
Speaker 3: Drive yourself to Amazon or Booktopia or whatever it may

849
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 3: be and get your order in brilliant.

850
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 4: Thanks