WEBVTT - Dr Justin Coulson // What Makes a Happy Family? 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:01.760 Of all the things that I say, of all things 0:00:01.760 --> 0:00:03.120 that I do, all the things that I've learned, of 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.400 everything that the kids have put me through. Kids just 0:00:06.480 --> 0:00:10.160 text you, They try you. There's nothing easy about being 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:13.080 a parent, so let it be hard. Don't fight that. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:16.800 This is what parenting is, and the great irony is 0:00:16.800 --> 0:00:18.880 as you accept that it's going to be hard, ironically 0:00:18.920 --> 0:00:19.919 becomes a lot less hard. 0:00:20.560 --> 0:00:25.360 Welcome to the Things you Can't Unhear podcast. I'm your host, 0:00:25.760 --> 0:00:29.400 Maritza Barone. Get ready to hear moments that will help 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:33.839 you to see the world differently and inspire you to 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:42.680 become the happiest, healthiest and kindest version of you. What 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:47.000 makes a happy family? In this episode, we're joined by 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:51.040 one of Australia's most trusted voices in parenting and family 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:56.040 wellbeing to find out. Doctor Justin Coulson is a dad 0:00:56.120 --> 0:00:59.760 to six daughters, a psychologist and author, and the founder 0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:04.600 of the Happy Families Platform. In this conversation, we go 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:08.080 beyond parenting tips and go into the heart of what 0:01:08.120 --> 0:01:11.800 it means to raise humans in today's world. We explore 0:01:11.840 --> 0:01:15.440 the mistakes parents make that they don't realize they're making. 0:01:15.760 --> 0:01:20.280 The truth about self belief and grades the schooling system, 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:24.320 and how Justin believes changes should be made to help 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:29.640 children thrive more, and how Justin himself has navigated it 0:01:29.720 --> 0:01:34.520 all while raising six daughters of his own. This is 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:40.080 a powerful, honest, and emotional conversation about the kind of adults 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.680 we're shaping and the kind of parents we're choosing to be. 0:01:44.240 --> 0:01:46.920 Doctor Justin Coilson, Welcome to the Things you Can't On 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:47.680 Here Podcasts. 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:50.320 I'm feeling really light today and I just want to 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:53.920 I just want to mock you for sounding so serious 0:01:53.920 --> 0:01:54.760 when you did that intro. 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:57.800 This is the things you can on here podcast We're 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:00.160 not meant to have fun. We're meant to have like 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.640 drop moments to change the way we think we did. 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:06.320 You know, you're more likely to absorb really great information 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:08.280 if you're in a good mood, like if you're laughing. 0:02:08.080 --> 0:02:10.200 Yes, right, and if you're hearing stories. 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:11.360 Right yeah, absolutely, yeah. 0:02:11.480 --> 0:02:14.000 Yeah. Well let's start with that. Tell me your story. 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:17.600 I want to know that moment when you as a father, 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.480 the perception of you as a father, and a moment 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:22.600 that changed everything in the way that you saw yourself 0:02:22.880 --> 0:02:25.920 as a farmer. Okay, and this may take the lightness 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:27.040 out of your I was going. 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:30.400 To say this, this kind of changes everything, so we 0:02:30.800 --> 0:02:33.560 kind of have to go back to my high school days, 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:35.960 which is kind of annoying. I didn't become a teenage 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:38.720 father or anything like that, but I just hated school 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:42.639 and my dream. After I did work experience in year 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:45.119 ten at the local radio station on the New South 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:48.360 Wales Central Coast two go, I got to hang around 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:51.360 in the studio and in the jocks room with all 0:02:51.400 --> 0:02:54.680 the radio announcers, and I was like, this is the 0:02:54.720 --> 0:02:58.000 best job in the world, because back then radio is 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:00.120 a very different beast than what it is today, and 0:03:00.200 --> 0:03:02.880 radio announcers would literally show up for their let's say 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.960 their nine to twelve shift or their six till nine 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:09.120 shifts or whatever it was. They do fifteen or twenty 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.080 minutes of prep, they do the shift, and then they 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:12.560 had the rest of them they do whatever they wanted. 0:03:12.880 --> 0:03:16.520 There's something I'd get paid to play music, open up 0:03:16.520 --> 0:03:18.760 the mic and have a chat for fifteen seconds once 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:21.520 every fifteen minutes, give away some money. We'd beat the 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:24.120 bomb or the Mad Minute or whatever is that we're doing, 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:24.880 and then I. 0:03:24.919 --> 0:03:27.000 Get to go surfing, right, and you probably get to 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:29.360 talk a little bit too, which is probably one of 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:30.120 your strengths. 0:03:30.200 --> 0:03:33.440 I do like to talk, and so I was like, 0:03:33.480 --> 0:03:36.240 I'm going to be a radio announcer, and I recognize 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:40.320 that we're recording this pod in a radio station, so 0:03:40.440 --> 0:03:42.240 I need to tread gently with what I'm going to say. 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.000 But if you've ever listened to the radio, especially the 0:03:45.040 --> 0:03:48.040 FM radio stations, you can tell straight away that the 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:49.720 people who are on the radio didn't have to do 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:51.200 well at school to be on the radio. 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:54.600 You should tread to care except. 0:03:54.280 --> 0:03:57.760 For the news readers, right, they're very well educated. And 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:00.760 so as a year ten student, I've just gone well, 0:04:00.880 --> 0:04:04.040 school doesn't matter. My parents had a different opinion. They 0:04:04.080 --> 0:04:06.360 were spending this is late eighties, early in nine as 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:09.000 they're spending over ten grand a year back then to 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:12.000 send me to this grammar school that I at it, 0:04:12.720 --> 0:04:15.640 and so I'm wagging school and going surfing. There was 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:19.120 no such thing as mobile phones, and so my parents 0:04:19.160 --> 0:04:21.320 weren't getting that text message saying your son isn't at school. 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:23.040 I was just could get away with much more, got 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:26.400 away with everything, which means that when I finished high 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:29.640 school in New South Wales, you have your HSC. I 0:04:29.680 --> 0:04:32.960 scored on the bottom. If you scored below a certain ranking, 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:36.000 they don't give you a score, They just tell you 0:04:36.040 --> 0:04:38.720 that you scored this all below. And I scored in 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:44.280 the fifteen or below range. Like I just it wasn't 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:47.520 your thing. No, And it's not that I was well, 0:04:47.560 --> 0:04:52.120 I was not a great kid, but my purpose laid elsewhere. 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:54.000 And I could see that my parents were freaking out. 0:04:54.000 --> 0:04:55.960 They were thinking, this is the end. He ruined his 0:04:55.960 --> 0:04:58.520 life because you twelve matters so much, apparently, and because 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:01.600 everything hinges on that to see score it, apparently, And 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:03.640 I just said, no, I just want to be in radio. 0:05:03.920 --> 0:05:05.880 And I went and had a really successful radio career. 0:05:06.320 --> 0:05:08.560 You know what I always say to my children, I 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.160 don't care what it is that you do, as long 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:12.640 as you're really good at it, if you really enjoy it. 0:05:12.720 --> 0:05:15.640 Being good at it and enjoying it are both really helpful. Yeah, yeah, 0:05:15.640 --> 0:05:17.680 it makes life a lot better. You don't have to 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:19.159 be good at it or enjoy it. You can still 0:05:19.160 --> 0:05:22.480 get by, but that will make a difference for sure. Yeah. 0:05:22.560 --> 0:05:26.520 So I'm now in my late twenties. I'm working at 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:29.520 Brisbane's B one O five. Well, we've played all today's 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:33.200 best musical worked, and I'm really good at my job. 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:35.200 And then I'm going home. I've got a wife and 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:37.919 two kids. I'm about twenty six years old. We've just 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:40.640 had a second baby, and we've got a three mager 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:44.400 And it's so funny because and I'm sure that there 0:05:44.440 --> 0:05:45.960 are so many parents who get this right. Like, you 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.040 go to work and you're confident, you're capable, you do it, 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:49.719 you do it well. People come to you for solutions 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:52.760 and answers, you provide them, you get the job done, 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:55.440 and then you go home and you're just like, I 0:05:55.480 --> 0:05:57.640 am clueless. I'm so far out of my depth. This 0:05:57.760 --> 0:06:00.880 isn't working. My wife had a background an early childcare, 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:03.800 so she was reasonably well equipped to deal with our 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:07.680 three year old and our newborn. But what had been 0:06:07.720 --> 0:06:10.840 happening since everyone talks about the terrible twos, but three 0:06:10.920 --> 0:06:13.800 is way worse than too, And what had been happening 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:17.040 as our daughter neared three was that her behavior was escalating. 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:21.320 Her emotions were out of control. And I'm a radio 0:06:21.400 --> 0:06:24.159 DJ with no education, no understanding of relationships, no understanding 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:27.159 of psychology, and not understanding of child development, and we 0:06:27.320 --> 0:06:30.680 just kept on getting into these power struggles, and I 0:06:30.720 --> 0:06:32.640 was pretty convinced that I was going to win no 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:35.440 matter what, because I'm big and I can make her 0:06:35.480 --> 0:06:39.520 do whatever I demand. I remember one time, quick tangent. 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:42.919 My grandma saw the way that I was treating my 0:06:43.040 --> 0:06:48.680 oldest with frustration and strictness and sternness and harshness, and 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.200 she said, justin, and she said it as gently as 0:06:51.240 --> 0:06:54.680 she could. He said, Justin, You're very hard on Chanelle. 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.800 And I said, you've got to be man, otherwise the 0:06:57.839 --> 0:07:00.800 whole run circles around you going to have me wrapped 0:07:00.800 --> 0:07:02.520 around her little finger. I was really proud of it, 0:07:02.720 --> 0:07:05.440 and on a reflection, I just cringe when I think 0:07:05.480 --> 0:07:05.800 of it. 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:09.640 Oh do you think you were replicating how you were raised? 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:13.600 No? No, I had really really loving, and I would 0:07:13.600 --> 0:07:17.480 say quite permissive parents who just wanted the best for me. 0:07:18.080 --> 0:07:21.480 My parents were far from perfect. And a quick hint, 0:07:21.520 --> 0:07:22.720 by the way, if your parents ever come to you 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:24.560 and say, we feel like we've got a few things wrong, 0:07:24.600 --> 0:07:27.160 would you like to tell us Just say no, No, 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:29.440 just say I know you did the best that you. 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:31.680 Could, did the best you could because the. 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.120 Way that they carry Oh my goodness, there's a guy 0:07:34.160 --> 0:07:36.080 that I heard say this recently and it stuck with me. 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:38.800 You talk about things you can't on here, he said, 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:42.280 because I was thinking about and I had been talking 0:07:42.280 --> 0:07:44.400 to somebody about how your parents stuff you are because 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:47.640 they do like and every parent will, there's no getting 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:49.040 around her. I know that I've made a mess with 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.200 my kids in various ways as well, we all do. 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:54.080 And as I was thinking about that, he said this thing, 0:07:54.240 --> 0:07:56.640 and it just, oh, it hit me so hard. He said, 0:07:57.440 --> 0:07:58.960 your parents are going to make a mess of things. 0:07:59.160 --> 0:08:02.160 Don't judge them, for here's the measure of a good parent. 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:05.720 Did they do a better job raising you than their 0:08:05.760 --> 0:08:09.640 parents did raising them? Yes? And I thought, oh my goodness, 0:08:09.640 --> 0:08:12.640 my parents were great. It just it shifts it around 0:08:12.640 --> 0:08:15.480 because that's the model that they had, and if they've 0:08:15.480 --> 0:08:17.880 improved on the model, then they're doing it right, even 0:08:17.880 --> 0:08:18.640 if they're not perfect. 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:20.040 I agree, that's beautiful. 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:21.920 Yeah, yeah, I don't know how my parents my kids 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:23.080 are going to go because they've had me. 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:26.240 You're a perfect grapount or you've done all the studies. 0:08:26.800 --> 0:08:28.880 So with that frustration that you had with Chanel, and 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:31.200 then was it your mum that had sort of said. 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:33.920 No, I'm my grandma. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So here's the 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.680 climax of the story. Climax of the story is as follows. 0:08:36.720 --> 0:08:39.520 I'd done this big Friday night at B one five, 0:08:39.840 --> 0:08:43.640 not on air, but doing some I don't know, promotional thing. 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:46.480 Got home at about two in the morning, had to 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:48.319 be back in the radio station at five point thirt 0:08:48.880 --> 0:08:53.040 to do a six to midday Saturday morning shift. I'm desrecked. 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.120 I get home from that shift, trying so hard to 0:08:56.160 --> 0:08:58.400 stay awake till I get home. Walk in the door. 0:08:58.480 --> 0:09:03.240 It's a beautiful brue has been spring afternoon sun shining, 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:06.760 temperatures like perfect for a nano nap. And I've said 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:09.960 to Kylie, I'm beat, you know how late little sleep 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:11.760 If I have an hour or two are going to 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:12.920 be so good for the rest of the day and 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:15.120 we'll have some nice family time. And Kylie said, well, 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:16.480 that's fine. I've got to run out and run some 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:18.080 errand because I've be waiting for you to get home 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:20.320 because of the baby. The baby's gone to sleep Chanel 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:22.400 three years old. She needs to have a nap. You 0:09:22.440 --> 0:09:24.560 put her down, I'll go out. I'll be back before 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:28.040 anyone's working up. It sounds simple, sounds so simple, and 0:09:28.080 --> 0:09:30.440 I'm like, it sounds so simple, and again, knowing what 0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:33.760 I know today, I would have just done everything so differently. 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:40.240 But I screwed this up monumentally, and I feel terribly ashamed. 0:09:40.280 --> 0:09:42.360 I sometimes I get weepy when I talk about it 0:09:42.360 --> 0:09:46.200 because I just hate how I blew this. But I 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:48.600 said to Chanel, it's time to go to bed, and 0:09:48.640 --> 0:09:50.800 she now did what every three year old, self respecting 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:53.640 three year old says. I don't need a daytime nap. 0:09:53.640 --> 0:09:56.000 I'm a big girl, And I'm like, no, you do. 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:58.320 And the reality is she probably didn't, but I did, 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:01.880 and so therefore she did. And we just escalated and 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.080 started yelling at each other, and then I started calling 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:06.559 her names and I and I squeezed her and I said, 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:09.400 you've got to go to sleep. And I remember at 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:12.520 one stage, as she's holing, I'm like, that's it, and 0:10:12.800 --> 0:10:14.480 I had her in my hands and I literally just 0:10:14.600 --> 0:10:17.160 chucked her at the bed, like chucked her on the mattress, 0:10:17.559 --> 0:10:19.280 and she sort of bounced on the bed a couple 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:22.600 of times, and fortunately there was no harm done to her. 0:10:22.679 --> 0:10:25.720 But who throws their baby at a bed, right either 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:29.600 three or a bed and then I slammed the door 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:31.800 and I'm holding it on the handle so that she 0:10:31.840 --> 0:10:34.080 can't get out, and she's laying behind the door, and 0:10:34.120 --> 0:10:37.520 she's using your heels hammers, going let me out, let me. 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:39.400 I'm not tired, and I'm like, you need to go 0:10:39.440 --> 0:10:43.680 to sleep, narrative and get the fuck yeah, And honestly, like. 0:10:43.920 --> 0:10:47.960 Have you ever been really emotionally elevated like she was, 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.040 or like I was now and gone, Yeah, Actually I 0:10:51.080 --> 0:10:53.599 do feel like in that, like as if she was 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:55.480 going to go to sleep, because I've taken her from 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:59.640 like two to twelve out of ten. It was so mad. 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:02.360 Shoved the door open even though she was behind and 0:11:02.360 --> 0:11:06.000 she was in the way. I like just barreled her 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:08.320 out of the way with the door and I smacked 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:10.400 her on the backside, like everything you're not supposed to do. 0:11:11.160 --> 0:11:12.920 It's so brave that you're even doing. 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:14.719 I hate talking about it. Don't say that all get 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:18.079 even more upset about it. But I just did everything 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:20.320 that you're not supposed to do in my anger and 0:11:20.360 --> 0:11:23.680 in my single mindedness, like you need to go to sleep. 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:28.000 And eventually I just locked her in a room and 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:32.960 I held that door. I had this thought, and like 0:11:33.000 --> 0:11:35.400 it stayed with me for she's twenty seven now. It 0:11:35.440 --> 0:11:38.439 stayed with me for twenty four twenty five years. Had 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:43.480 this thought she's a toddler. She'd behaving like, one, what 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.400 are you like? You're an adult? What are you behaving like? 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:49.920 It's like, oh, my goodness, I am getting this so wrong. 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:53.840 And eventually she went quiet. She fell asleep on the 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:56.120 carpet behind the door. She just exhausted herself, screaming. I 0:11:56.160 --> 0:11:58.520 was like, if she wakes up the baby, right And 0:11:58.559 --> 0:12:00.280 so I walked into the backyard because right now I'm 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:03.240 not ready for a sleep. I'm just and I'm trying 0:12:03.240 --> 0:12:05.920 to process and go. Clie has been mad at me 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:08.520 for getting cranky at Shanella a lot lately. My Grandma's 0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:10.439 been into me. I've had a couple of other people 0:12:10.559 --> 0:12:12.880 tell me that I'm a bit harsh. And I know 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:15.760 it's not working. That's the biggest thing I know in 0:12:15.800 --> 0:12:20.520 my heart, and this is not working. And two things 0:12:20.520 --> 0:12:22.559 happened as I stepped into the backyard. And I feel 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:26.560 that beautiful sunshine coming down. The first thing I think 0:12:26.679 --> 0:12:30.200 is this thing that my dad said to me once. 0:12:30.240 --> 0:12:33.880 He said, justin the only time the only time my 0:12:33.960 --> 0:12:37.079 father should lay his hands on his child is to 0:12:37.120 --> 0:12:40.920 bless them. Yeah, and I've just gone, oh my goodness, 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:44.320 I'm not a blessing in my child's life. And then 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:48.120 the follow up thought was, in fact, justin you are 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:51.599 a bad father. Now I know that I spent a 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:53.200 lot of good quality time with my daughter. I read 0:12:53.200 --> 0:12:55.400 a stories, We wrestled, we played, we went to the park. 0:12:55.440 --> 0:12:58.480 We did all the good stuff. But when she was 0:12:58.480 --> 0:13:01.440 not regulated, there was I. I was out of control 0:13:02.160 --> 0:13:06.280 and I was using my mighties right power to enforce. 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:10.559 And we'd just gone to the Wiggles concert. This was 0:13:10.559 --> 0:13:12.000 back when the Wiggles were huge and we had all 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:14.200 the original Wiggles. We'd just gone to a Wiggles concert 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:17.400 and I was like, I reckon, it won't matter how 0:13:17.400 --> 0:13:21.480 many backstage passes I get throughout my radio career. If 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:25.160 I don't have a relationship with my daughter, what's the point. 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:28.000 And so Clytie came home. She was surprised to see 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:30.000 that I was awake. She was also surprised when she 0:13:30.080 --> 0:13:32.000 opened the door to see shene laying on the carpet 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:36.120 with tear stained cheeks. And I had this really hard 0:13:36.120 --> 0:13:39.000 conversation with it where I said, here's what happened, here's 0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:42.280 what I'm noticing, I'm getting it wrong. Clylie, who's really 0:13:42.280 --> 0:13:45.800 compassionate and kind and thoughtful and elevating and inspiring and 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:47.719 all the good things, looked at me and you said, yeah, 0:13:47.720 --> 0:13:50.560 you are, like there was nothing nice about it. And 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:52.199 she said, and I've been thinking about it for a 0:13:52.200 --> 0:13:53.880 little while now, I'm wondering how to bring it up, 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:56.079 and you just have So you just kind of need 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:58.719 to know that our family can't keep going like this, 0:13:59.320 --> 0:14:01.160 and if you can't change it, I'm going to have to. 0:14:02.120 --> 0:14:04.520 Like you're not the father, I hope you be, and 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:07.040 I'm kind of going, well, this is a lot, and 0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:09.280 then she added, you're also not a husband. I hope 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:12.600 you be. Things need to change. So that's kind of. 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:16.760 You know, hearing that and people listening to this today 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:20.840 on this podcast, we were all as parents, we will 0:14:20.880 --> 0:14:22.200 all identify with some. 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:24.040 Aspect of that stuff because we also. 0:14:26.040 --> 0:14:29.320 Parenting is a frustrating game. I was watching my friend 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.920 who's got an eighteen month old couple of days ago, 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:35.600 and she'd set up toys and there were red bowls, 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:39.120 green bowls, blue bowls, yellow bowls, and then little cars 0:14:39.160 --> 0:14:42.680 that with tongs the child is supposed to put into 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:45.600 the correct colors. And you know, watching us adults are 0:14:45.600 --> 0:14:47.840 sitting around and he's sitting on the carpet and we're 0:14:47.840 --> 0:14:50.360 watching it. We're just like, that's what he's supposed to do, 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:52.640 but of course he wants to just throw them around 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:55.520 and do it. And so for us as parents watching 0:14:55.520 --> 0:14:57.520 that so frustrating. Put the red in the red, put 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:00.960 the green in the green? Yes, And so, like I said, 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.560 it's a frustrating game. We learn so much about ourselves 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:07.240 as parent parents, and you sharing that, I can see 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:10.760 myself in so many situations where I've let my emotions 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:14.400 get the better of me. Do we need to regulate 0:15:14.440 --> 0:15:16.920 our own emotions to be better parents? 0:15:17.880 --> 0:15:20.440 Undercent like, this is how you become a better person 0:15:21.200 --> 0:15:24.400 is you learn how to respond to stress. There's what 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:27.920 resilience is. Right, Do I have the emotional resilience? Do 0:15:27.960 --> 0:15:30.600 I have the capacity to absorb the stress that my 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:34.200 child's placing on me and respond in a way that 0:15:34.280 --> 0:15:36.680 is going to help them feel safe? 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:36.920 Right? 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:40.120 Like, as a parent, you've got one job, and it's 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:42.560 to holp your kids to be safe. It's true, and 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:45.560 the great irony is that when we get frustrated with them, 0:15:45.560 --> 0:15:47.160 when we get them in trouble, when we threaten them, 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:53.760 when we make ourselves into this gray, big, scary monster, 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:59.400 they're now in this awful tension where the place that 0:15:59.440 --> 0:16:01.840 they're sposed to go for safety and security is not 0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:04.720 safe and secure. So where do they go? That's one 0:16:04.720 --> 0:16:07.760 of the biggest challenges that parents face is whether you're 0:16:07.760 --> 0:16:10.240 dealing with a toddle that won't go to sleep, or 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:11.880 wants to eat out of the pink bowl and not 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:16.560 the green bowl, or you cut the toast in triangles 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:19.080 and they want rookie era. By the way, always go 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:23.040 into rectangles first, right, because when they want triangles, you're sweet, right, 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:25.840 But if you've gone triangles and they want rectangles, it's 0:16:25.840 --> 0:16:28.440 in the bin and going again. So, Or we're dealing 0:16:28.480 --> 0:16:31.360 with teenagers who are riding their e bikes without helmets 0:16:31.600 --> 0:16:34.360 as seventy k's an hour down backstreets with no lights 0:16:34.440 --> 0:16:37.880 with three people on them, and or they've stolen the 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:39.480 car for the third time, or they went to the 0:16:39.480 --> 0:16:42.560 party when you said no, or you find out that 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:46.440 they got someone pregnant, or they're pregnant, or they're consuming substances, 0:16:46.760 --> 0:16:50.120 like all the all this stuff is so big, and 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:52.160 one of the hardest things for every parents to learn 0:16:52.160 --> 0:16:55.960 how to do is to work through that in a 0:16:56.000 --> 0:17:00.280 way that invites their child in rather than which is 0:17:00.320 --> 0:17:02.520 their child away. Because when we push our child away 0:17:02.520 --> 0:17:04.919 through our anger, through our correction and direction, through our 0:17:04.960 --> 0:17:09.160 ongoing command and control. The research is pretty clear things 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:12.680 don't work out particularly well for our children, and it 0:17:12.720 --> 0:17:14.840 doesn't usually work out well for us in our family 0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:15.760 relationships either. 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:20.040 I'm curious do you think an element of fear helps? 0:17:20.119 --> 0:17:23.560 Because I remember my childhood. If I screwed up, I 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:26.080 knew my dad was going to lose it. He was 0:17:26.080 --> 0:17:28.159 going So I was like, I don't think I'm going 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:30.120 to do that because I don't want to screw up. 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:32.800 I don't want to get in trouble. The element of fear, 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:34.800 I think it sort of kept me safe a little 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:37.120 bit because I wasn't as rebellious. 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:41.520 Yeah, so from a pure perspective, I would push back 0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:46.119 against that. Yeah, his why when my children do the 0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:50.000 wrong thing, who do I want them to go to? Right? 0:17:50.160 --> 0:17:51.879 And if they're afraid of me, what's the likelihood that 0:17:51.880 --> 0:17:52.399 they'll do it? 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:53.080 Yes? 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:56.000 I totally understand. They go they're friends, they go to 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:58.359 anybody but me, and yet who's the one who's going 0:17:58.400 --> 0:18:00.399 to help them the most? Ideally, it's it's got to 0:18:00.440 --> 0:18:03.439 be me, right, And so that's a challenge to that idea. 0:18:04.200 --> 0:18:06.800 In practice, they don't have to be afraid of us 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:09.560 because we're going to get a nasty like In practice, 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:10.760 maybe they don't want to let us down. 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:14.040 Yes, that's exactly what, and so I wouldn't. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:16.159 Call that fear. I'd call that a healthy respect and 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:17.920 a love and it decided to do the right thing. 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:20.520 But even then, like I said, if I wanted to 0:18:20.560 --> 0:18:22.840 be really pure about it, and forgive me for getting 0:18:22.880 --> 0:18:25.520 a little bit academic for a sec, when we or 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:27.639 our children are doing something because of the way that 0:18:27.640 --> 0:18:30.879 it's going to affect people around us, we're working at 0:18:30.920 --> 0:18:34.680 a fairly low level of motivation. What I'm really interested 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:37.879 in is helping kids to understand the why, the rationale, 0:18:38.160 --> 0:18:41.280 because if they can understand the why, then they'll endorse 0:18:41.359 --> 0:18:44.920 the behaviors, they'll endorse the activities they're going to lead 0:18:44.920 --> 0:18:48.159 to healthier, safer, wiser outcomes. Yes, so I can have 0:18:48.240 --> 0:18:52.080 my kids afraid of disappointing me yes. And I remember 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:55.040 one parent I spoke to said that he almost remembered 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:57.760 that day that his dad said, I'm so disappointed in 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:01.199 your son. And he's said, I make sure that I 0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:03.400 tell my kids that I'm disappointed if they get it wrong, 0:19:03.440 --> 0:19:07.200 and I'm like, just stop. That doesn't make kids feel 0:19:07.240 --> 0:19:10.800 better in any way. They're going to behave a certain 0:19:10.800 --> 0:19:12.480 way because they don't want to let you doubt, not 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:14.159 because they know that it's the right way to behave 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:16.359 or because they want it to behave that way. So 0:19:16.400 --> 0:19:19.120 that takes a toll on the relationship. It's a manipular 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:21.960 and it's coercive. So much better when the kids are 0:19:22.000 --> 0:19:26.720 like I identify the value in wearing a helmet, or wearing 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:30.320