WEBVTT - #1773 My Tips For Understanding Others - Harps 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:03.840 Good a team. I hope you're great. So today I 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:09.719 want to talk to you about something that is should 0:00:09.720 --> 0:00:11.920 I say it's an obsession. If I say it's an obsession, 0:00:11.920 --> 0:00:15.480 that sounds unhealthy, Right, It's called it's almost an obsession. 0:00:15.800 --> 0:00:19.759 It's a deep curiosity. It's a deep fascination for me. 0:00:19.920 --> 0:00:22.120 And this is not going to surprise any view well, 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:27.600 especially since you've seen the title. And that is my ability, 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:32.880 our ability to understand other people. And when I say 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:37.560 understand people, I just mean that I mean to understand 0:00:37.600 --> 0:00:41.800 how they think, to understand their behavior, to understand their 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:47.800 actions and their reactions, to understand their version of reality, 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:53.720 their worldview, why they speak the way they do, perhaps 0:00:53.800 --> 0:00:58.800 their body language, their psychology, their emotion, their physiology, their sociology. 0:00:59.440 --> 0:01:03.760 I really want to know how other people work. I 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:06.960 want to know how other people work because my job 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:10.760 is helping other people. And if I don't understand how 0:01:10.800 --> 0:01:12.759 the other person that i'm or the person that I'm 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:16.080 talking with works in inverted commas, or I at least 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:18.560 don't have some insight into who they are and how 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:21.880 they are and why they are the way they are, 0:01:22.640 --> 0:01:25.160 then how can I help? It's like trying to give 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:29.720 somebody a medicine appeal, a powder, a potion, or some 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:34.600 kind of medication when you don't know what their ailment is. 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:38.640 So at the very least I need to try to 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:42.360 have some insight into who is this person that I'm 0:01:42.480 --> 0:01:44.800 coaching or mentoring or talking to on the phone or 0:01:44.800 --> 0:01:49.360 a zoom call, so that I can be of value. 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:53.360 And also, obviously beyond work and beyond coaching and just 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:57.440 out and about, I'm interested in people. I find human 0:01:57.480 --> 0:02:00.480 behavior for me it's the most interesting life. The way 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.320 that the way that brains work and mine's work and 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:07.360 by extension people work for me will be I think 0:02:07.400 --> 0:02:12.400 it'll be a lifetime obsession. And also in the middle 0:02:12.440 --> 0:02:16.040 of that, you know, trying to understand me, trying to 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:18.839 understand others, but trying to understand myself. And it's very 0:02:19.560 --> 0:02:24.440 I guess the ever present self awareness challenge is to 0:02:24.480 --> 0:02:28.880 be able to reflect on my own stuff, for you 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:31.080 to be able to reflect on your own stuff, like 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:34.040 why do I Craig, Why do I think the way 0:02:34.040 --> 0:02:38.280 that I do? Why do I say the things that 0:02:38.360 --> 0:02:40.160 I do the way that I say them, Why do 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:44.480 I respond? Why do I interpret this particular event as 0:02:44.520 --> 0:02:46.880 a problem you might see the same thing or be 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.400 in the middle of the same thing and call it 0:02:49.440 --> 0:02:52.160 a lesson, and somebody else might call it an opportunity, 0:02:52.160 --> 0:02:55.639 and somebody else might label it as a non event. 0:02:57.240 --> 0:02:59.960 And all of us have our own way of processing 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:01.840 the world, and we do that all day, every day. 0:03:02.440 --> 0:03:04.680 Depending on which research you look at, they used to 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:07.440 say we have about seventy thousand thoughts today. I always 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:11.320 thought that was too many. More recent researches somewhere closer 0:03:11.320 --> 0:03:13.320 to ten to twenty. But let's just go with the 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:16.880 not very scientific figure of a fuck load. Let's say 0:03:16.880 --> 0:03:19.200 we have a fuck load. We have lots of thoughts. 0:03:21.639 --> 0:03:23.680 What do we have fourteen hundred and forty minutes in 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:26.720 a day? Even if we had ten thoughts a minute, 0:03:27.120 --> 0:03:30.600 that's fourteen thousand and four hundred. I don't think we're 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:34.320 having ten individual thoughts a minute, But anyway, it's in 0:03:34.360 --> 0:03:37.240 the it's in that. Here's me going off at a tangent. 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:43.920 By the way, interesting how I think, But nonetheless so 0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:47.800 over the years back, even even when I was an 0:03:47.840 --> 0:03:51.440 eighteen year old gym instructor on the floor and I 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:55.400 was teaching and talking and teaching on a very low 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:57.880 level of course teaching people how to do stuff in 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:01.240 the gym. My knowledge was average, my skill was average. 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:06.400 My competence as a fitness professional was probably less than average, 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:08.280 although back in the day it wasn't a high bar, 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:11.840 so maybe it was average. But the bottom line is, 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:15.200 from that time nineteen eighty two until today, as I 0:04:15.280 --> 0:04:19.080 record this the twenty first of January twenty twenty five, 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.400 I've been learning and will continue to learn about how 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:26.039 to talk to people, and how to build rapport with people, 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:29.279 and how to create connection, and how to have interpersonal 0:04:29.320 --> 0:04:35.279 exchanges that are healthy and productive, not toxic and destructive. 0:04:36.240 --> 0:04:40.320 Knowing that my ability to be able to understand others 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:48.200 is pretty much the most important factor in terms of 0:04:48.240 --> 0:04:52.520 communication and connection. Like, if I can't really understand or 0:04:52.520 --> 0:04:55.640 relate to the person in front of me, how on 0:04:55.680 --> 0:04:59.960 earth can I build rapport if I don't know or 0:05:00.040 --> 0:05:03.360 I don't at least have some insight into their version 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:09.400 of right now. And some people think, especially these days 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:13.840 where there's so much fucking hate, and you know, there 0:05:13.920 --> 0:05:20.279 is so much there's so much polarization and disagreement, and 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:22.440 you know there are so many groups. I'm not speaking 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:25.200 about anything in particular, like the moment that you even 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:28.200 mention anything, then people jump on one side of the fence. 0:05:28.200 --> 0:05:32.000 So let's let's not talk about individual groups. Let's just 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:36.159 talk about the human group. Let's talk about the group 0:05:36.240 --> 0:05:39.359 that you and I are in. Let's talk about the 0:05:39.440 --> 0:05:43.240 group that everyone on the planet is in, and that 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:50.880 is the human group. All humans have psychology and physiology, 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:53.919 and emotion and sociology. All humans grow up in a 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:58.160 certain paradigm or a certain culture. Some in a certain theology, 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:01.960 some not or absence of theology, some men a certain 0:06:02.040 --> 0:06:05.680 family dynamic good or bad or horrible, or brilliant or amazing. 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:12.120 Everybody has some kind of education orbeit formal or informal 0:06:12.200 --> 0:06:17.320 to some level. Everyone grows up in a particular environment. 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:24.359 Everyone has certain influences. Everyone has a myriad of factors 0:06:24.520 --> 0:06:31.600 and variable genetic and beyond that frame or shape the 0:06:31.640 --> 0:06:34.080 way that they see the world, in the way that 0:06:34.080 --> 0:06:37.960 they see others and see themselves. I know this is 0:06:38.040 --> 0:06:39.880 kind of long winded. I don't mean it to be, 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:44.920 but I look, this is just my view. You might 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:47.880 not agree on. It's okay, But for me, I can't 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:52.360 emphasize enough how important it is that if you are 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:57.120 a want to be coach or teacher, or manager or leader, 0:06:57.320 --> 0:07:02.440 or even just a fucking communicator of any kind, that 0:07:03.240 --> 0:07:08.160 you seek first to understand that you do your best, 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:12.440 even if it's to understand bad behavior, even if it's 0:07:12.440 --> 0:07:16.960 to understand toxic behavior, even if it's to understand all 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:21.880 those things that we hate, you know, violence and the like, 0:07:22.400 --> 0:07:29.360 and bigotry and hatred and all of those things that well, 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:31.760 most of us, you and me, I hope, would love 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:36.240 to eradicate from the planet. But we know more than 0:07:36.400 --> 0:07:41.240 likely we're not going to. And so even when it 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:44.040 comes to the horrible stuff, the shitty stuff that we 0:07:44.160 --> 0:07:46.440 don't want to be exposed to, that we don't want 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:49.440 to be part of, that we wish would disappear, even 0:07:49.480 --> 0:07:52.800 with that, it's in our interest to understand it so 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:56.120 that we can navigate it. It's in our interest so 0:07:56.160 --> 0:08:01.560 that we can deal with people and problems and issues 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:08.000 that are somewhere between a moral and difficult and uncomfortable 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:11.160 and unwanted and uncertain right to the end of the spectrum, 0:08:11.200 --> 0:08:17.440 which we might call pure fucking evil. And sadly that 0:08:17.560 --> 0:08:20.520 stuff exists. That's part of the world we live in. 0:08:21.080 --> 0:08:24.200 So it is crucial for you and me to be 0:08:24.200 --> 0:08:27.600 able to understand the people that we are going to 0:08:27.720 --> 0:08:32.040 work with, live with, intersect with, interact with, solve problems with, 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:35.800 be part of a team with, be related, to be 0:08:36.040 --> 0:08:39.719 married to all of those things so that we can 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.360 do our best. You and I, like, all that's in 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:46.960 your control is you, right, all that's in my control 0:08:47.080 --> 0:08:51.280 is me. So you and I as individuals need to 0:08:51.320 --> 0:08:56.559 do our best to control our controllables and understand the 0:08:57.000 --> 0:08:59.600 reality and the worldview and the behavior and the thinking 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:04.480 more of others so that we can in this social, 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:11.120 interpersonal professional space that we can produce good outcomes. So 0:09:11.120 --> 0:09:13.440 I'm going to give you some points of things that 0:09:13.520 --> 0:09:18.960 for me have proven to be really valuable ideas, and 0:09:19.040 --> 0:09:22.720 you'll figure out for yourself what's relevant for you and 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:28.600 which of these you think you might want to apply 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:31.920 or might want to explore or lean into a little bit. 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:35.959 So Number one is pay attention to what they do 0:09:36.000 --> 0:09:38.760 more than what they say. This is not a new thing. 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:42.920 I've said this multiple times here, but we often get 0:09:43.080 --> 0:09:51.920 enamored with, or distracted with, or even misinformed by words. 0:09:52.640 --> 0:09:58.240 Words matter, but not all words are truly representative of 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:03.640 what is happening un benderneath the words, and saying something 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:07.600 is not the same as being something. I can say 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:12.000 all kinds of shit and none of it might be true. 0:10:12.240 --> 0:10:16.040 I can say all kinds of deflective and misleading things 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:19.400 because I want you to believe or think a certain 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:25.320 thing about me. But over time, over time, if you 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:27.640 are around me for long enough, you would be able 0:10:27.679 --> 0:10:31.040 to just pay attention to how I am, how I 0:10:31.080 --> 0:10:34.880 treat people, what I do, how I eat, how I live, 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:38.760 how I work, how I do meetings, how I solve problems, 0:10:39.760 --> 0:10:42.160 how I stay calm in a crisis, or maybe how 0:10:42.200 --> 0:10:46.520 I lose my shit for no particular reason. Over time, 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:51.760 if you can observe me and see how I do life, 0:10:51.760 --> 0:10:55.599 and how I do work, and how I do interactions, 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:58.680 and how I do health, and how I do all 0:10:58.720 --> 0:11:02.600 of the different component of being a human, then you 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:07.360 are really going to understand who I am much more, 0:11:07.640 --> 0:11:12.000 perhaps than just by listening to what could be complete 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:14.920 shit coming out of my mouth. Because I'm just trying 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:18.120 to form an impression. I'm just trying to get you 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:22.040 to think a certain way, So pay attention, listen. I'm 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:24.840 not saying don't listen to people at all. Sometimes those 0:11:24.880 --> 0:11:30.200 conversations are transformative and brilliant and insightful and incredible. I'm 0:11:30.200 --> 0:11:33.960 not saying don't do that. I'm saying sometimes what is 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:38.440 even more valuable is just to observe, is just to 0:11:38.480 --> 0:11:43.960 be present, is just to pay attention. Number two is 0:11:44.960 --> 0:11:53.480 understand their backstory. Now we can't always do this, but 0:11:53.559 --> 0:11:58.520 as much as possible, try to get some kind of backstory, 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:04.960 some kind of insight, some kind of picture of where 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:07.760 this person or these people have been, what they've seen, 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:13.760 what they've been part of their programming, their upbringing, their experiences, 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:21.680 their culture, their childhood, their education. For example, if if 0:12:21.720 --> 0:12:25.160 you were to just talk to my mum and dad, 0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:29.920 who are eighty five years old, and have a particular 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:34.120 conversation with them, you might draw certain conclusions about my 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:37.360 dad or my mum which may or may not be 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:43.400 indicative of what is really going on. And you might think, oh, gee, 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:46.120 Ron's not a big talker, or you might think Mary 0:12:46.240 --> 0:12:51.000 is this or Mary's that. And I'm saying this because 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:53.880 I actually did this about my own parents for quite 0:12:53.880 --> 0:12:56.600 a long time, until I was in my mid twenties 0:12:56.640 --> 0:13:02.319 and even up to my thirties, where I didn't really 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:05.440 totally understand my parents because I'd only known my parents 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:09.400 through the lens of being a kid. I'd only really 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:15.920 understood and experienced my parents, who are two individual adults 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:18.320 like I was. By that, I'd only ever kind of 0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.640 look through the window of I'm their kid, they're my parents, 0:13:22.000 --> 0:13:24.200 and I had an idea of who they were and 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:27.920 how they were, and of course, being the arrogant little 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:30.840 fock start that I was, I also thought that, you know, 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:33.520 I knew better than them, and that you know, when 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.880 we're in this situation or having this conversation, they should 0:13:36.920 --> 0:13:40.640 respond a certain way or I had expectations of who 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:42.400 they should be and how they should be, and they 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:46.160 should fit in with my expectations. In other words, they 0:13:46.160 --> 0:13:50.120 should be more like me. Well, how arrogant, how egotistical, 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:55.360 how unrealistic, how unproductive, and how ultimately stupid, you know, 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:59.280 not insightful, not clever, none of that. But when I 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.920 started to understand my mum and dad's backstory, really, when 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:05.679 I did a deep dive into learning about what my 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:09.439 dad's childhood was like, and I'm not going to go 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:12.920 into it, but it wasn't it wasn't awesome. It wasn't amazing, 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:17.560 you know, one of six boys, one of eight in 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:19.960 the family, of course, growing up in the Second World War. 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:22.080 Born in the first year of the Second World War. 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.640 Mom mom's mum died giving birth to her. She never 0:14:25.680 --> 0:14:29.600 had a mum per se. She grew up on a farm, 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:33.040 then she was sent to a boarding school. And it's 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:36.560 fair to say that compared to my childhood was essentially 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:40.760 My childhood was essentially an episode of a fucking Disney sitcom. 0:14:40.760 --> 0:14:46.240 Compared to Ron and Mary's experience as children and as 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:51.960 teenagers and even as young adults, I grew up in 0:14:52.080 --> 0:14:56.320 compared to them, And by the way, we were anywhere 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:01.160 near rich, not even close, but compared to what mum 0:15:01.200 --> 0:15:05.000 and dad grew up in, I grew up in relative luxury. 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:09.680 Like my life was a dream compared to their life. Now, 0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:13.120 before I got that context, and before I did an 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:16.560 inventory on myself, and before I started to get a 0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:20.360 better understanding, and like, to be honest, I didn't even 0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.200 want that understanding at the start, because I just thought 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:27.040 I was right. I just saw things through my lens. 0:15:27.440 --> 0:15:31.760 And when we talk about this challenge of understanding others, 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:36.120 it is a really tricky prospect. It is a really 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:41.000 tricky thing to do because we're trying to get understanding 0:15:41.000 --> 0:15:45.120 of somebody else looking through the window of our understanding. 0:15:45.320 --> 0:15:49.640 Does that make sense? I know it's tricky, but just 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:56.480 knowing that everybody has their own backstory, their own programming, 0:15:56.520 --> 0:16:00.920 their own conditioning, and a range of influence and factors 0:16:00.960 --> 0:16:04.360 and variables that contribute to how they think and how 0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:09.160 they see the world, that you didn't have all of 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:12.040 those variables that you didn't You had your own variables, 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:17.080 but you did not have theirs in most instances. Number 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:21.200 three is remember we're talking about how to understand others. 0:16:21.360 --> 0:16:28.400 Number three is ask great questions, be present, and be 0:16:28.560 --> 0:16:34.680 genuinely curious as somebody who asks questions for a living 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:39.240 and answers questions for a living. But you think about 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:42.640 this podcast, you know, obviously every time I have a 0:16:42.680 --> 0:16:47.480 guest on, my job is to facilitate, hopefully something that 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:51.240 is good to listen to for you. And how good 0:16:51.360 --> 0:16:53.800 an episode of the U Project where there's myself and 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:56.800 a guest, how good that will be. It's dependent on 0:16:56.880 --> 0:16:59.360 a few things, of course, content and who the guest 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:04.119 is and a few other variables, But in part it's 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:10.359 dependent on me being able to ask questions that hopefully 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:17.040 will elicit some interesting content, information that might be of 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:22.199 value to you, and also some kind of curiosity in 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:24.600 you the listen. If I can ask questions that you 0:17:24.760 --> 0:17:28.560 might have asked, then I'm doing a really good job. 0:17:28.680 --> 0:17:31.639 If I can ask questions that might be relevant to you, 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:34.359 then I'm doing a really good job. And so in 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:41.040 order to understand how others are, I am always asking 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:47.000 questions that will hopefully give me the most data. So 0:17:47.240 --> 0:17:53.240 open ended questions. So I'm not going to say to somebody, 0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:57.960 are you feeling good? I might ask that, but generally 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:00.760 that's going to be yep, great or no, that's no. 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.440 Then maybe we can open that door. But I can 0:18:03.560 --> 0:18:07.080 say something like, tell me how you feel at the moment, 0:18:07.200 --> 0:18:09.000 tell me what's going on for you. So there's that 0:18:09.160 --> 0:18:12.400 thing that's happened, how do you feel about that? Tell 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:14.400 me what's coming up for you, what's happening in your head, 0:18:14.400 --> 0:18:18.080 what's happening in your heart? Are you all right? Okay? Now, 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:20.200 all of a sudden, we've opened a different door. We've 0:18:20.240 --> 0:18:23.119 closed the yes no door, and now we're opening the 0:18:23.280 --> 0:18:25.679 let's get some information and let's see if we can 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:29.119 build on this, Let's see if we can understand each other, 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.520 and let's see if we can move towards some kind 0:18:31.560 --> 0:18:36.920 of resolution, some kind of understanding, some kind of awareness, 0:18:37.320 --> 0:18:43.000 some kind of positive strategy. Because I've asked a different question, 0:18:43.160 --> 0:18:48.480 I've been present, I've been genuinely curious. My next tip is, 0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:52.800 and this is hard because we do this unconsciously, and 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:55.720 so this is an exercise in self awareness for you 0:18:55.920 --> 0:19:02.639 also and me of course, is don't see confirmation for 0:19:02.720 --> 0:19:07.879 your own worldview. So rather than trying to get an 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:14.120 answer that suits you or fits your narrative or validates 0:19:14.200 --> 0:19:17.679 your pre existing beliefs or idea or theology or philosophy 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:21.879 or whatever it is, rather than doing that, just be 0:19:22.080 --> 0:19:25.840 present and just listen. Be open to learning, be open 0:19:26.600 --> 0:19:32.560 to even having to change your own thinking. So many 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:39.360 times when I have entered into an interaction with somebody 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:44.760 thinking I knew something that I actually didn't. Thinking I 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:49.080 understood what was going on about a particular problem or 0:19:49.359 --> 0:19:53.679 topic or issue or challenge. I thought I understood what 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:56.480 was going on, But then as I started to ask 0:19:56.600 --> 0:20:00.880 more questions and I endeavored to understand than the person 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:03.879 and their thinking and their backstory, and they're they're in 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:08.760 the moment reality, their version of Now. I realized that 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:11.439 I wasn't getting the whole picture. I realized that I 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:16.480 was somewhere between a little bit mistaken and completely wrong. 0:20:17.200 --> 0:20:21.199 And how good is that? How good is it to 0:20:21.320 --> 0:20:25.199 be wrong and to know that you're wrong and to 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:29.800 be okay with getting it wrong? To me, that is 0:20:30.040 --> 0:20:34.919 a real sign of maturity, That is a real sign 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:37.879 of I actually just want to be the best version 0:20:37.880 --> 0:20:40.359 of me. I really want to evolve and grow and learn. 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:42.560 And if that means I've got to acknowledge all the 0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:44.880 dumb shit that I get wrong, or all the mistakes 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:46.959 that I make, if that means that I've got to 0:20:47.040 --> 0:20:52.480 unlearn something and relearn something else, because what that means 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:58.159 is I'm now more concerned with learning about the truth 0:20:58.240 --> 0:21:03.720 than i am with being right. If my priority is 0:21:03.800 --> 0:21:10.720 to be right, then I'm operating in ego, arrogance and insecurity. 0:21:10.720 --> 0:21:14.320 There's no humility. There, there's no love, there, there's no kindness, 0:21:14.359 --> 0:21:18.439 there's no curiosity. I'm being driven by a need to 0:21:18.480 --> 0:21:21.840 be right, to have my views or ideas, my worldview 0:21:22.040 --> 0:21:27.840 endorsed or supported, to be validated, and to be honest. 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:33.040 This is tough, and this is tough because you and 0:21:33.080 --> 0:21:38.920 I we don't like being wrong. I don't like being wrong, 0:21:39.600 --> 0:21:45.000 but I'm okay with being wrong. And as I get older, 0:21:46.119 --> 0:21:49.000 I'm more and more okay with being wrong, and I'm 0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:52.000 more and more okay with saying I'm wrong because me 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:57.480 being wrong means I'm now learning something that's closer to 0:21:57.520 --> 0:22:02.520 the truth, or perhaps more empowering, or perhaps it's been validated. 0:22:04.040 --> 0:22:08.080 But when I'm in that mindset, when I'm in that 0:22:08.240 --> 0:22:12.520 worldview of I'm right, then I'm also saying, well, automatically, 0:22:12.600 --> 0:22:14.480 the person in front of me, if they don't agree 0:22:14.520 --> 0:22:17.840 with me, then they're wrong. That's not a good way 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:20.800 to understand anyone. That's not a good way to build 0:22:20.840 --> 0:22:26.760 rapport or connection. And so number my next one is 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:33.399 I think number five is assume as little as possible. Again, hard, hard, 0:22:33.720 --> 0:22:42.359 because you know, we we have preconceptions hardwired into our brain, 0:22:43.640 --> 0:22:47.800 like and they make us biased before we fucking begin. 0:22:50.359 --> 0:22:53.840 Like starting with a blank slate, a metaphoric blank slate 0:22:53.960 --> 0:22:57.160 or clean slate or a you know, a clean canvas, 0:22:57.200 --> 0:23:01.520 whatever you want to call it, and letting their words 0:23:01.520 --> 0:23:05.240 and actions guide your understanding is easy to say, but 0:23:05.320 --> 0:23:10.440 hard to do. And so you know that there are 0:23:10.560 --> 0:23:12.840 we all do this. If you're walking down the street 0:23:12.880 --> 0:23:16.000 and you see, I don't know, I'm not even going 0:23:16.080 --> 0:23:18.920 to describe anything, but you see a certain person who 0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:21.639 looks a certain way or is a certain way, or 0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:24.840 you know, maybe maybe I won't get in trouble if 0:23:24.840 --> 0:23:26.879 I say, there's some dude and he seems to be 0:23:26.920 --> 0:23:30.720 staggering all over the footpath coming towards you, and you 0:23:30.840 --> 0:23:33.399 might assume, and it's getting towards dusk, and it's a 0:23:33.400 --> 0:23:37.800 bit dark, and the guy that appears to be drunk 0:23:37.960 --> 0:23:42.040 is also quite large, and you know whatever, you might assume. Well, 0:23:43.200 --> 0:23:46.240 this could be dangerous, you might assume. And by the way, 0:23:46.320 --> 0:23:48.440 you could be right, or you could be totally wrong. 0:23:48.480 --> 0:23:51.320 It could be something else that's going on all together. 0:23:51.720 --> 0:23:55.280 But the truth is that we all have preconceived ideas, 0:23:55.280 --> 0:23:59.000 and we all have expectations, and we've all had experiences, 0:23:59.119 --> 0:24:06.879 all of us which shape how we view everything. My 0:24:06.960 --> 0:24:11.639 next one is pay attention to and this is not 0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:16.800 a revelation. There's a whole science to this. In fact, 0:24:16.880 --> 0:24:19.320 there was God. There was a show called Lie to Me. 0:24:19.520 --> 0:24:24.280 What was that guy's name cal lightmankel Lightman was the 0:24:24.400 --> 0:24:26.919 character in the show called Lie to Me. I think 0:24:26.960 --> 0:24:28.399 it was called that, and it was all about this 0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:32.920 was based on a real world character who I don't 0:24:32.960 --> 0:24:34.280 have it in front of me. I'm pretty sure his 0:24:34.400 --> 0:24:37.159 name was Paul Eckman, who developed this whole science of 0:24:37.200 --> 0:24:40.760 being able to read facial expressions and body language and 0:24:40.840 --> 0:24:45.560 micro expressions, and you know, and that's been questioned some 0:24:45.600 --> 0:24:48.280 of that science. But anyway, the bottom line is that 0:24:49.119 --> 0:24:53.119 people's physiology, you know, their body language, the tone of voice, 0:24:53.119 --> 0:24:57.040 the cadence of their speaking, the micro expressions, the more 0:24:57.080 --> 0:25:02.080 macro facial expressions. You know, how quickly or slowly someone's breathing, 0:25:02.240 --> 0:25:04.679 or you know, all of these things that are not 0:25:04.920 --> 0:25:12.000 actually words. They're still messages, they are still information. They 0:25:12.280 --> 0:25:16.600 all of those those non word things are still talking 0:25:16.800 --> 0:25:21.640 to you, but in a different way. I often sit 0:25:21.680 --> 0:25:26.280 down with somebody who has heard one hundred or two 0:25:26.359 --> 0:25:29.360 or five hundred episodes my show, or they've read a book, 0:25:29.480 --> 0:25:32.440 or they've read multiple books, and they've listened to podcasts 0:25:32.480 --> 0:25:34.920 and they've seen me at live events. And then I'll 0:25:34.920 --> 0:25:40.840 sit down with that person and I can tell that 0:25:40.840 --> 0:25:47.359 that person is uncomfortable or nervous or anxious or you 0:25:47.359 --> 0:25:51.119 know whatever. Not everyone, of course, but some people, and 0:25:51.160 --> 0:25:53.000 they don't need to be. They don't need to say 0:25:53.040 --> 0:25:56.240 to me, Hey, Craig, I'm uncomfortable, I'm awkward, I'm intimidated, 0:25:56.280 --> 0:25:58.080 I'm anxious, And not that I want them to be, 0:25:58.200 --> 0:26:02.320 of course I don't want. But does does anybody ever 0:26:02.400 --> 0:26:05.879 sit in front of me and tell me without actually 0:26:05.920 --> 0:26:11.080 telling me that they're uncomfortable or feel awkward? Or they do? 0:26:11.359 --> 0:26:14.359 And so then it's in my interest. Then it's in 0:26:14.400 --> 0:26:17.640 my interest to take that on board and to understand, 0:26:17.720 --> 0:26:22.560 to try to understand that my experience orbeit comfortable and 0:26:23.680 --> 0:26:27.480 feeling safe and feeling confident and competent, my experience in 0:26:27.560 --> 0:26:29.960 this moment at the table with this other human being 0:26:30.040 --> 0:26:34.399 is definitely not their experience. And so I try to 0:26:34.400 --> 0:26:37.959 look at this moment or experience this moment through their lens, 0:26:38.240 --> 0:26:42.840 through their mindset, through their emotional state. And when I 0:26:42.880 --> 0:26:45.480 do my best to do that, at the very least, 0:26:45.600 --> 0:26:48.199 I open the awareness door and the empathy door, and 0:26:48.280 --> 0:26:53.879 I'm more likely to create connection than disconnection, and engagement 0:26:53.960 --> 0:27:00.440 than disengagement. So read the nonverbal cues So next suggestion 0:27:00.560 --> 0:27:06.840 for understanding other people is to try to understand their 0:27:06.920 --> 0:27:09.679 values and their priorities, like what matters to them? What 0:27:09.840 --> 0:27:14.600 matters to them? So what matters to me, has a 0:27:14.600 --> 0:27:17.359 single bloke who lives a certain life and does certain 0:27:17.440 --> 0:27:21.359 things practically, what matters to me day to day? Or 0:27:21.400 --> 0:27:23.560 what my values are or what I focus on or 0:27:23.560 --> 0:27:25.679 what my to do list looks like, or what I 0:27:25.760 --> 0:27:28.359