1 00:00:00,480 --> 00:00:03,840 Speaker 1: Good a team. I hope you're great. So today I 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:09,719 Speaker 1: want to talk to you about something that is should 3 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,920 Speaker 1: I say it's an obsession. If I say it's an obsession, 4 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: that sounds unhealthy, Right, It's called it's almost an obsession. 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,759 Speaker 1: It's a deep curiosity. It's a deep fascination for me. 6 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: And this is not going to surprise any view well, 7 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:27,600 Speaker 1: especially since you've seen the title. And that is my ability, 8 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,880 Speaker 1: our ability to understand other people. And when I say 9 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:37,560 Speaker 1: understand people, I just mean that I mean to understand 10 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,800 Speaker 1: how they think, to understand their behavior, to understand their 11 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: actions and their reactions, to understand their version of reality, 12 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 1: their worldview, why they speak the way they do, perhaps 13 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:58,800 Speaker 1: their body language, their psychology, their emotion, their physiology, their sociology. 14 00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:03,760 Speaker 1: I really want to know how other people work. I 15 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,960 Speaker 1: want to know how other people work because my job 16 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,760 Speaker 1: is helping other people. And if I don't understand how 17 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,759 Speaker 1: the other person that i'm or the person that I'm 18 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 1: talking with works in inverted commas, or I at least 19 00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: don't have some insight into who they are and how 20 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,880 Speaker 1: they are and why they are the way they are, 21 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: then how can I help? It's like trying to give 22 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:29,720 Speaker 1: somebody a medicine appeal, a powder, a potion, or some 23 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:34,600 Speaker 1: kind of medication when you don't know what their ailment is. 24 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,640 Speaker 1: So at the very least I need to try to 25 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: have some insight into who is this person that I'm 26 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: coaching or mentoring or talking to on the phone or 27 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: a zoom call, so that I can be of value. 28 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: And also, obviously beyond work and beyond coaching and just 29 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:57,440 Speaker 1: out and about, I'm interested in people. I find human 30 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,480 Speaker 1: behavior for me it's the most interesting life. The way 31 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: that the way that brains work and mine's work and 32 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 1: by extension people work for me will be I think 33 00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:12,400 Speaker 1: it'll be a lifetime obsession. And also in the middle 34 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: of that, you know, trying to understand me, trying to 35 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,839 Speaker 1: understand others, but trying to understand myself. And it's very 36 00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:24,440 Speaker 1: I guess the ever present self awareness challenge is to 37 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,880 Speaker 1: be able to reflect on my own stuff, for you 38 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 1: to be able to reflect on your own stuff, like 39 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: why do I Craig, Why do I think the way 40 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 1: that I do? Why do I say the things that 41 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,160 Speaker 1: I do the way that I say them, Why do 42 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 1: I respond? Why do I interpret this particular event as 43 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: a problem you might see the same thing or be 44 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,400 Speaker 1: in the middle of the same thing and call it 45 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: a lesson, and somebody else might call it an opportunity, 46 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,639 Speaker 1: and somebody else might label it as a non event. 47 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: And all of us have our own way of processing 48 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,840 Speaker 1: the world, and we do that all day, every day. 49 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:04,680 Speaker 1: Depending on which research you look at, they used to 50 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: say we have about seventy thousand thoughts today. I always 51 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: thought that was too many. More recent researches somewhere closer 52 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: to ten to twenty. But let's just go with the 53 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: not very scientific figure of a fuck load. Let's say 54 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: we have a fuck load. We have lots of thoughts. 55 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: What do we have fourteen hundred and forty minutes in 56 00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,720 Speaker 1: a day? Even if we had ten thoughts a minute, 57 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 1: that's fourteen thousand and four hundred. I don't think we're 58 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,320 Speaker 1: having ten individual thoughts a minute, But anyway, it's in 59 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 1: the it's in that. Here's me going off at a tangent. 60 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:43,920 Speaker 1: By the way, interesting how I think, But nonetheless so 61 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,800 Speaker 1: over the years back, even even when I was an 62 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,440 Speaker 1: eighteen year old gym instructor on the floor and I 63 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:55,400 Speaker 1: was teaching and talking and teaching on a very low 64 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 1: level of course teaching people how to do stuff in 65 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,240 Speaker 1: the gym. My knowledge was average, my skill was average. 66 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:06,400 Speaker 1: My competence as a fitness professional was probably less than average, 67 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: although back in the day it wasn't a high bar, 68 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,840 Speaker 1: so maybe it was average. But the bottom line is, 69 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,200 Speaker 1: from that time nineteen eighty two until today, as I 70 00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: record this the twenty first of January twenty twenty five, 71 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,400 Speaker 1: I've been learning and will continue to learn about how 72 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,039 Speaker 1: to talk to people, and how to build rapport with people, 73 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,279 Speaker 1: and how to create connection, and how to have interpersonal 74 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:35,279 Speaker 1: exchanges that are healthy and productive, not toxic and destructive. 75 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 1: Knowing that my ability to be able to understand others 76 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: is pretty much the most important factor in terms of 77 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: communication and connection. Like, if I can't really understand or 78 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:55,640 Speaker 1: relate to the person in front of me, how on 79 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:59,960 Speaker 1: earth can I build rapport if I don't know or 80 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,360 Speaker 1: I don't at least have some insight into their version 81 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: of right now. And some people think, especially these days 82 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,840 Speaker 1: where there's so much fucking hate, and you know, there 83 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:20,279 Speaker 1: is so much there's so much polarization and disagreement, and 84 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,440 Speaker 1: you know there are so many groups. I'm not speaking 85 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,200 Speaker 1: about anything in particular, like the moment that you even 86 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: mention anything, then people jump on one side of the fence. 87 00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: So let's let's not talk about individual groups. Let's just 88 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 1: talk about the human group. Let's talk about the group 89 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: that you and I are in. Let's talk about the 90 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: group that everyone on the planet is in, and that 91 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: is the human group. All humans have psychology and physiology, 92 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,919 Speaker 1: and emotion and sociology. All humans grow up in a 93 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:58,160 Speaker 1: certain paradigm or a certain culture. Some in a certain theology, 94 00:05:58,279 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: some not or absence of theology, some men a certain 95 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:05,680 Speaker 1: family dynamic good or bad or horrible, or brilliant or amazing. 96 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: Everybody has some kind of education orbeit formal or informal 97 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:17,320 Speaker 1: to some level. Everyone grows up in a particular environment. 98 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:24,359 Speaker 1: Everyone has certain influences. Everyone has a myriad of factors 99 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:31,600 Speaker 1: and variable genetic and beyond that frame or shape the 100 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: way that they see the world, in the way that 101 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 1: they see others and see themselves. I know this is 102 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,880 Speaker 1: kind of long winded. I don't mean it to be, 103 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,920 Speaker 1: but I look, this is just my view. You might 104 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,880 Speaker 1: not agree on. It's okay, But for me, I can't 105 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: emphasize enough how important it is that if you are 106 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 1: a want to be coach or teacher, or manager or leader, 107 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: or even just a fucking communicator of any kind, that 108 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:08,160 Speaker 1: you seek first to understand that you do your best, 109 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:12,440 Speaker 1: even if it's to understand bad behavior, even if it's 110 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,960 Speaker 1: to understand toxic behavior, even if it's to understand all 111 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: those things that we hate, you know, violence and the like, 112 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: and bigotry and hatred and all of those things that well, 113 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: most of us, you and me, I hope, would love 114 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:36,240 Speaker 1: to eradicate from the planet. But we know more than 115 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:41,240 Speaker 1: likely we're not going to. And so even when it 116 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: comes to the horrible stuff, the shitty stuff that we 117 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: don't want to be exposed to, that we don't want 118 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,440 Speaker 1: to be part of, that we wish would disappear, even 119 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 1: with that, it's in our interest to understand it so 120 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: that we can navigate it. It's in our interest so 121 00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: that we can deal with people and problems and issues 122 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:08,000 Speaker 1: that are somewhere between a moral and difficult and uncomfortable 123 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,160 Speaker 1: and unwanted and uncertain right to the end of the spectrum, 124 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 1: which we might call pure fucking evil. And sadly that 125 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:20,520 Speaker 1: stuff exists. That's part of the world we live in. 126 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: So it is crucial for you and me to be 127 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,600 Speaker 1: able to understand the people that we are going to 128 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: work with, live with, intersect with, interact with, solve problems with, 129 00:08:32,559 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: be part of a team with, be related, to be 130 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,719 Speaker 1: married to all of those things so that we can 131 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,360 Speaker 1: do our best. You and I, like, all that's in 132 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:46,960 Speaker 1: your control is you, right, all that's in my control 133 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: is me. So you and I as individuals need to 134 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:56,559 Speaker 1: do our best to control our controllables and understand the 135 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,600 Speaker 1: reality and the worldview and the behavior and the thinking 136 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:04,480 Speaker 1: more of others so that we can in this social, 137 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: interpersonal professional space that we can produce good outcomes. So 138 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you some points of things that 139 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:18,960 Speaker 1: for me have proven to be really valuable ideas, and 140 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: you'll figure out for yourself what's relevant for you and 141 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 1: which of these you think you might want to apply 142 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 1: or might want to explore or lean into a little bit. 143 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,959 Speaker 1: So Number one is pay attention to what they do 144 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: more than what they say. This is not a new thing. 145 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:42,920 Speaker 1: I've said this multiple times here, but we often get 146 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: enamored with, or distracted with, or even misinformed by words. 147 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: Words matter, but not all words are truly representative of 148 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:03,640 Speaker 1: what is happening un benderneath the words, and saying something 149 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,600 Speaker 1: is not the same as being something. I can say 150 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:12,000 Speaker 1: all kinds of shit and none of it might be true. 151 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:16,040 Speaker 1: I can say all kinds of deflective and misleading things 152 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,400 Speaker 1: because I want you to believe or think a certain 153 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:25,320 Speaker 1: thing about me. But over time, over time, if you 154 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: are around me for long enough, you would be able 155 00:10:27,679 --> 00:10:31,040 Speaker 1: to just pay attention to how I am, how I 156 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,880 Speaker 1: treat people, what I do, how I eat, how I live, 157 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: how I work, how I do meetings, how I solve problems, 158 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,160 Speaker 1: how I stay calm in a crisis, or maybe how 159 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,520 Speaker 1: I lose my shit for no particular reason. Over time, 160 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:51,760 Speaker 1: if you can observe me and see how I do life, 161 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:55,599 Speaker 1: and how I do work, and how I do interactions, 162 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,680 Speaker 1: and how I do health, and how I do all 163 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 1: of the different component of being a human, then you 164 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: are really going to understand who I am much more, 165 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 1: perhaps than just by listening to what could be complete 166 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: shit coming out of my mouth. Because I'm just trying 167 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 1: to form an impression. I'm just trying to get you 168 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 1: to think a certain way, So pay attention, listen. I'm 169 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,840 Speaker 1: not saying don't listen to people at all. Sometimes those 170 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:30,200 Speaker 1: conversations are transformative and brilliant and insightful and incredible. I'm 171 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 1: not saying don't do that. I'm saying sometimes what is 172 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:38,440 Speaker 1: even more valuable is just to observe, is just to 173 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:43,960 Speaker 1: be present, is just to pay attention. Number two is 174 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: understand their backstory. Now we can't always do this, but 175 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 1: as much as possible, try to get some kind of backstory, 176 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:04,960 Speaker 1: some kind of insight, some kind of picture of where 177 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: this person or these people have been, what they've seen, 178 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,760 Speaker 1: what they've been part of their programming, their upbringing, their experiences, 179 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:21,680 Speaker 1: their culture, their childhood, their education. For example, if if 180 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,160 Speaker 1: you were to just talk to my mum and dad, 181 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 1: who are eighty five years old, and have a particular 182 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,120 Speaker 1: conversation with them, you might draw certain conclusions about my 183 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,360 Speaker 1: dad or my mum which may or may not be 184 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:43,400 Speaker 1: indicative of what is really going on. And you might think, oh, gee, 185 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:46,120 Speaker 1: Ron's not a big talker, or you might think Mary 186 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 1: is this or Mary's that. And I'm saying this because 187 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,880 Speaker 1: I actually did this about my own parents for quite 188 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,600 Speaker 1: a long time, until I was in my mid twenties 189 00:12:56,640 --> 00:13:02,319 Speaker 1: and even up to my thirties, where I didn't really 190 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: totally understand my parents because I'd only known my parents 191 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 1: through the lens of being a kid. I'd only really 192 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:15,920 Speaker 1: understood and experienced my parents, who are two individual adults 193 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,320 Speaker 1: like I was. By that, I'd only ever kind of 194 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: look through the window of I'm their kid, they're my parents, 195 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,200 Speaker 1: and I had an idea of who they were and 196 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,920 Speaker 1: how they were, and of course, being the arrogant little 197 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,840 Speaker 1: fock start that I was, I also thought that, you know, 198 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: I knew better than them, and that you know, when 199 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,880 Speaker 1: we're in this situation or having this conversation, they should 200 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,640 Speaker 1: respond a certain way or I had expectations of who 201 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 1: they should be and how they should be, and they 202 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 1: should fit in with my expectations. In other words, they 203 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:50,120 Speaker 1: should be more like me. Well, how arrogant, how egotistical, 204 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: how unrealistic, how unproductive, and how ultimately stupid, you know, 205 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: not insightful, not clever, none of that. But when I 206 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,920 Speaker 1: started to understand my mum and dad's backstory, really, when 207 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,679 Speaker 1: I did a deep dive into learning about what my 208 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,439 Speaker 1: dad's childhood was like, and I'm not going to go 209 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: into it, but it wasn't it wasn't awesome. It wasn't amazing, 210 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,560 Speaker 1: you know, one of six boys, one of eight in 211 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 1: the family, of course, growing up in the Second World War. 212 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,080 Speaker 1: Born in the first year of the Second World War. 213 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: Mom mom's mum died giving birth to her. She never 214 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 1: had a mum per se. She grew up on a farm, 215 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: then she was sent to a boarding school. And it's 216 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 1: fair to say that compared to my childhood was essentially 217 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,760 Speaker 1: My childhood was essentially an episode of a fucking Disney sitcom. 218 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 1: Compared to Ron and Mary's experience as children and as 219 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: teenagers and even as young adults, I grew up in 220 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: compared to them, And by the way, we were anywhere 221 00:14:56,400 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: near rich, not even close, but compared to what mum 222 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:05,000 Speaker 1: and dad grew up in, I grew up in relative luxury. 223 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: Like my life was a dream compared to their life. Now, 224 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: before I got that context, and before I did an 225 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: inventory on myself, and before I started to get a 226 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 1: better understanding, and like, to be honest, I didn't even 227 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: want that understanding at the start, because I just thought 228 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: I was right. I just saw things through my lens. 229 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,760 Speaker 1: And when we talk about this challenge of understanding others, 230 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 1: it is a really tricky prospect. It is a really 231 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:41,000 Speaker 1: tricky thing to do because we're trying to get understanding 232 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: of somebody else looking through the window of our understanding. 233 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:49,640 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? I know it's tricky, but just 234 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:56,480 Speaker 1: knowing that everybody has their own backstory, their own programming, 235 00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:00,920 Speaker 1: their own conditioning, and a range of influence and factors 236 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 1: and variables that contribute to how they think and how 237 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:09,160 Speaker 1: they see the world, that you didn't have all of 238 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,040 Speaker 1: those variables that you didn't You had your own variables, 239 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 1: but you did not have theirs in most instances. Number 240 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:21,200 Speaker 1: three is remember we're talking about how to understand others. 241 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 1: Number three is ask great questions, be present, and be 242 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:34,680 Speaker 1: genuinely curious as somebody who asks questions for a living 243 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 1: and answers questions for a living. But you think about 244 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 1: this podcast, you know, obviously every time I have a 245 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:47,480 Speaker 1: guest on, my job is to facilitate, hopefully something that 246 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,240 Speaker 1: is good to listen to for you. And how good 247 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 1: an episode of the U Project where there's myself and 248 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 1: a guest, how good that will be. It's dependent on 249 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: a few things, of course, content and who the guest 250 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:04,119 Speaker 1: is and a few other variables, But in part it's 251 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 1: dependent on me being able to ask questions that hopefully 252 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: will elicit some interesting content, information that might be of 253 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:22,199 Speaker 1: value to you, and also some kind of curiosity in 254 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: you the listen. If I can ask questions that you 255 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,560 Speaker 1: might have asked, then I'm doing a really good job. 256 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,639 Speaker 1: If I can ask questions that might be relevant to you, 257 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,359 Speaker 1: then I'm doing a really good job. And so in 258 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: order to understand how others are, I am always asking 259 00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: questions that will hopefully give me the most data. So 260 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 1: open ended questions. So I'm not going to say to somebody, 261 00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: are you feeling good? I might ask that, but generally 262 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,760 Speaker 1: that's going to be yep, great or no, that's no. 263 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,440 Speaker 1: Then maybe we can open that door. But I can 264 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 1: say something like, tell me how you feel at the moment, 265 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: tell me what's going on for you. So there's that 266 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,400 Speaker 1: thing that's happened, how do you feel about that? Tell 267 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:14,400 Speaker 1: me what's coming up for you, what's happening in your head, 268 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:18,080 Speaker 1: what's happening in your heart? Are you all right? Okay? Now, 269 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:20,200 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, we've opened a different door. We've 270 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,119 Speaker 1: closed the yes no door, and now we're opening the 271 00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,679 Speaker 1: let's get some information and let's see if we can 272 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:29,119 Speaker 1: build on this, Let's see if we can understand each other, 273 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,520 Speaker 1: and let's see if we can move towards some kind 274 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 1: of resolution, some kind of understanding, some kind of awareness, 275 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: some kind of positive strategy. Because I've asked a different question, 276 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 1: I've been present, I've been genuinely curious. My next tip is, 277 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 1: and this is hard because we do this unconsciously, and 278 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: so this is an exercise in self awareness for you 279 00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:02,639 Speaker 1: also and me of course, is don't see confirmation for 280 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:07,879 Speaker 1: your own worldview. So rather than trying to get an 281 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:14,120 Speaker 1: answer that suits you or fits your narrative or validates 282 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,679 Speaker 1: your pre existing beliefs or idea or theology or philosophy 283 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,879 Speaker 1: or whatever it is, rather than doing that, just be 284 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,840 Speaker 1: present and just listen. Be open to learning, be open 285 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:32,560 Speaker 1: to even having to change your own thinking. So many 286 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:39,360 Speaker 1: times when I have entered into an interaction with somebody 287 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,760 Speaker 1: thinking I knew something that I actually didn't. Thinking I 288 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: understood what was going on about a particular problem or 289 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:53,679 Speaker 1: topic or issue or challenge. I thought I understood what 290 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: was going on, But then as I started to ask 291 00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:00,880 Speaker 1: more questions and I endeavored to understand than the person 292 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,879 Speaker 1: and their thinking and their backstory, and they're they're in 293 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:08,760 Speaker 1: the moment reality, their version of Now. I realized that 294 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,439 Speaker 1: I wasn't getting the whole picture. I realized that I 295 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:16,480 Speaker 1: was somewhere between a little bit mistaken and completely wrong. 296 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,199 Speaker 1: And how good is that? How good is it to 297 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:25,199 Speaker 1: be wrong and to know that you're wrong and to 298 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: be okay with getting it wrong? To me, that is 299 00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:34,919 Speaker 1: a real sign of maturity, That is a real sign 300 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,879 Speaker 1: of I actually just want to be the best version 301 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: of me. I really want to evolve and grow and learn. 302 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,560 Speaker 1: And if that means I've got to acknowledge all the 303 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 1: dumb shit that I get wrong, or all the mistakes 304 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,959 Speaker 1: that I make, if that means that I've got to 305 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: unlearn something and relearn something else, because what that means 306 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:58,159 Speaker 1: is I'm now more concerned with learning about the truth 307 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:03,720 Speaker 1: than i am with being right. If my priority is 308 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 1: to be right, then I'm operating in ego, arrogance and insecurity. 309 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:14,320 Speaker 1: There's no humility. There, there's no love, there, there's no kindness, 310 00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,439 Speaker 1: there's no curiosity. I'm being driven by a need to 311 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 1: be right, to have my views or ideas, my worldview 312 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:27,840 Speaker 1: endorsed or supported, to be validated, and to be honest. 313 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 1: This is tough, and this is tough because you and 314 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:38,920 Speaker 1: I we don't like being wrong. I don't like being wrong, 315 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: but I'm okay with being wrong. And as I get older, 316 00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:49,000 Speaker 1: I'm more and more okay with being wrong, and I'm 317 00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,000 Speaker 1: more and more okay with saying I'm wrong because me 318 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:57,480 Speaker 1: being wrong means I'm now learning something that's closer to 319 00:21:57,520 --> 00:22:02,520 Speaker 1: the truth, or perhaps more empowering, or perhaps it's been validated. 320 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:08,080 Speaker 1: But when I'm in that mindset, when I'm in that 321 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: worldview of I'm right, then I'm also saying, well, automatically, 322 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,480 Speaker 1: the person in front of me, if they don't agree 323 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 1: with me, then they're wrong. That's not a good way 324 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,800 Speaker 1: to understand anyone. That's not a good way to build 325 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:26,760 Speaker 1: rapport or connection. And so number my next one is 326 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:33,399 Speaker 1: I think number five is assume as little as possible. Again, hard, hard, 327 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:42,359 Speaker 1: because you know, we we have preconceptions hardwired into our brain, 328 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: like and they make us biased before we fucking begin. 329 00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: Like starting with a blank slate, a metaphoric blank slate 330 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,160 Speaker 1: or clean slate or a you know, a clean canvas, 331 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,520 Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it, and letting their words 332 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,240 Speaker 1: and actions guide your understanding is easy to say, but 333 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:10,440 Speaker 1: hard to do. And so you know that there are 334 00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,840 Speaker 1: we all do this. If you're walking down the street 335 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,000 Speaker 1: and you see, I don't know, I'm not even going 336 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,920 Speaker 1: to describe anything, but you see a certain person who 337 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:21,639 Speaker 1: looks a certain way or is a certain way, or 338 00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:24,840 Speaker 1: you know, maybe maybe I won't get in trouble if 339 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 1: I say, there's some dude and he seems to be 340 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,720 Speaker 1: staggering all over the footpath coming towards you, and you 341 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,399 Speaker 1: might assume, and it's getting towards dusk, and it's a 342 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: bit dark, and the guy that appears to be drunk 343 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,040 Speaker 1: is also quite large, and you know whatever, you might assume. Well, 344 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,240 Speaker 1: this could be dangerous, you might assume. And by the way, 345 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,440 Speaker 1: you could be right, or you could be totally wrong. 346 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,320 Speaker 1: It could be something else that's going on all together. 347 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,280 Speaker 1: But the truth is that we all have preconceived ideas, 348 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,000 Speaker 1: and we all have expectations, and we've all had experiences, 349 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:06,879 Speaker 1: all of us which shape how we view everything. My 350 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:11,639 Speaker 1: next one is pay attention to and this is not 351 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: a revelation. There's a whole science to this. In fact, 352 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 1: there was God. There was a show called Lie to Me. 353 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: What was that guy's name cal lightmankel Lightman was the 354 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,919 Speaker 1: character in the show called Lie to Me. I think 355 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,399 Speaker 1: it was called that, and it was all about this 356 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: was based on a real world character who I don't 357 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:34,280 Speaker 1: have it in front of me. I'm pretty sure his 358 00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:37,159 Speaker 1: name was Paul Eckman, who developed this whole science of 359 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: being able to read facial expressions and body language and 360 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:45,560 Speaker 1: micro expressions, and you know, and that's been questioned some 361 00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,280 Speaker 1: of that science. But anyway, the bottom line is that 362 00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:53,119 Speaker 1: people's physiology, you know, their body language, the tone of voice, 363 00:24:53,119 --> 00:24:57,040 Speaker 1: the cadence of their speaking, the micro expressions, the more 364 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 1: macro facial expressions. You know, how quickly or slowly someone's breathing, 365 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,679 Speaker 1: or you know, all of these things that are not 366 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:12,000 Speaker 1: actually words. They're still messages, they are still information. They 367 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: all of those those non word things are still talking 368 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:21,640 Speaker 1: to you, but in a different way. I often sit 369 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: down with somebody who has heard one hundred or two 370 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:29,360 Speaker 1: or five hundred episodes my show, or they've read a book, 371 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: or they've read multiple books, and they've listened to podcasts 372 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:34,920 Speaker 1: and they've seen me at live events. And then I'll 373 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 1: sit down with that person and I can tell that 374 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:47,359 Speaker 1: that person is uncomfortable or nervous or anxious or you 375 00:25:47,359 --> 00:25:51,119 Speaker 1: know whatever. Not everyone, of course, but some people, and 376 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,000 Speaker 1: they don't need to be. They don't need to say 377 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,240 Speaker 1: to me, Hey, Craig, I'm uncomfortable, I'm awkward, I'm intimidated, 378 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: I'm anxious, And not that I want them to be, 379 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: of course I don't want. But does does anybody ever 380 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:05,879 Speaker 1: sit in front of me and tell me without actually 381 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:11,080 Speaker 1: telling me that they're uncomfortable or feel awkward? Or they do? 382 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 1: And so then it's in my interest. Then it's in 383 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 1: my interest to take that on board and to understand, 384 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:22,560 Speaker 1: to try to understand that my experience orbeit comfortable and 385 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,480 Speaker 1: feeling safe and feeling confident and competent, my experience in 386 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 1: this moment at the table with this other human being 387 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:34,399 Speaker 1: is definitely not their experience. And so I try to 388 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:37,959 Speaker 1: look at this moment or experience this moment through their lens, 389 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 1: through their mindset, through their emotional state. And when I 390 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,480 Speaker 1: do my best to do that, at the very least, 391 00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:48,199 Speaker 1: I open the awareness door and the empathy door, and 392 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:53,879 Speaker 1: I'm more likely to create connection than disconnection, and engagement 393 00:26:53,960 --> 00:27:00,440 Speaker 1: than disengagement. So read the nonverbal cues So next suggestion 394 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:06,840 Speaker 1: for understanding other people is to try to understand their 395 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,679 Speaker 1: values and their priorities, like what matters to them? What 396 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,600 Speaker 1: matters to them? So what matters to me, has a 397 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,359 Speaker 1: single bloke who lives a certain life and does certain 398 00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:21,359 Speaker 1: things practically, what matters to me day to day? Or 399 00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: what my values are or what I focus on or 400 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,679 Speaker 1: what my to do list looks like, or what I 401 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:28,359 Speaker 1: need to manage or you know, what I need to 402 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,560 Speaker 1: factor in to have a good day. Whatever that means. 403 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,000 Speaker 1: That's going to be quite different for most people, because 404 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,320 Speaker 1: most people are not me, And so in order for 405 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 1: me to be able to understand others, it's crucial that 406 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:45,959 Speaker 1: I try to have some insight into what are their priorities, Like, 407 00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 1: what is it that matters to them in this moment? 408 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,959 Speaker 1: What matters to them in terms of the micro and 409 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,840 Speaker 1: the macro of their life, time, money, relationships, What is 410 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,280 Speaker 1: success to them? Like? What is there to do list 411 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:04,240 Speaker 1: look like day? In terms of this conversation or this interaction? 412 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,560 Speaker 1: What is important? Because the things that really matter to me, 413 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,720 Speaker 1: they don't matter to lots of other people. And that's 414 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:15,480 Speaker 1: not right or wrong or good or bad, And I'm 415 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,359 Speaker 1: not better or worse, and they're not better or worse. 416 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,199 Speaker 1: But I'm not them and they're not me, And so 417 00:28:19,359 --> 00:28:22,360 Speaker 1: for me to understand how they think and who they are, 418 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:26,439 Speaker 1: I also need to know what really matters to people, 419 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:31,679 Speaker 1: because when I understand what matters to them, then I 420 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: can I know how to navigate a conversation, or I 421 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,080 Speaker 1: know how to create a plan with them, or I 422 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,479 Speaker 1: know what questions to ask and I know where to go. 423 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 1: But if I assume that what matters to me also 424 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,920 Speaker 1: matters to them, and some of those things might overlapp 425 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: and be very synergistic, but some of them might be 426 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:55,520 Speaker 1: quite different, quite divergent. That is, you know, what really 427 00:28:55,600 --> 00:28:58,360 Speaker 1: is important to them as not to me, and even 428 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 1: you know, the funny thing about this is also like 429 00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:05,400 Speaker 1: even what matters to think about what matters to you 430 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 1: today in twenty twenty five. Well, as I record this, 431 00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:12,040 Speaker 1: it's twenty twenty five. Some things that really mattered to 432 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,320 Speaker 1: you ten years ago might not matter to you so 433 00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 1: much now because you've changed and your values have changed 434 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,880 Speaker 1: and your priorities have changed. And maybe the things that 435 00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 1: you thought don't matter so much five years ago they 436 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,880 Speaker 1: matter more now. Or maybe the things that you thought 437 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,560 Speaker 1: were super important when you were twenty two. Now you're like, 438 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,160 Speaker 1: why the fuck that I think that mattered at all? Right, 439 00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: So there's understanding ourselves on that level. But perhaps more 440 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:40,160 Speaker 1: importantly in the context of this particular situation, in understanding 441 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,520 Speaker 1: others is to understand what matters to them, because when 442 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:47,080 Speaker 1: you know what matters to them, then you can build 443 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:52,840 Speaker 1: that rapport with them. My next idea is to seems 444 00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:57,800 Speaker 1: almost counterintuitive, but to really try to pay attention to 445 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:02,520 Speaker 1: what they're not saying. Sometimes there are obvious holes in 446 00:30:02,560 --> 00:30:07,040 Speaker 1: the conversation and a few times, in fact, i'll give 447 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,880 Speaker 1: you an example. So recently, I was helping a recently 448 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 1: young guy in his thirties, and I'd coached him probably 449 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 1: about a dozen times, and what I noticed was what 450 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,480 Speaker 1: I noticed was whenever I got anywhere near talking about 451 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: his dad, he would he would change the direction of 452 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:37,240 Speaker 1: the conversation, or he would be evasive, or he would 453 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:43,360 Speaker 1: be flippant. And I kind of got that that he 454 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 1: didn't want to talk about that, which is fine, But 455 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:49,240 Speaker 1: I also I also thought that there was something there 456 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,479 Speaker 1: that was for him, you know, problematic, and this was 457 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,400 Speaker 1: you know, this was there was some psychological and emotional 458 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,160 Speaker 1: stuff there that probably not necessarily with me, but at 459 00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: some stage to be at least spoken about or addressed 460 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:07,520 Speaker 1: or you know, because there was and there was, there 461 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:09,800 Speaker 1: was stuff going on there. So one day I said 462 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: to him, and this is not too long ago, I 463 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:16,040 Speaker 1: said to him, look, this is what I think I 464 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:18,960 Speaker 1: could be. I'm going to say this once and then 465 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,000 Speaker 1: I'm not going to bring it up again unless you 466 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:23,160 Speaker 1: want to bring it up now. He'd never said to 467 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 1: me I've had issues with my dad, or I hate 468 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,400 Speaker 1: my dad, or but it was just an obvious thing 469 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,400 Speaker 1: that never was spoken about. When we're talking about all 470 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:35,760 Speaker 1: of these variables around his life and his background, his 471 00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:39,800 Speaker 1: story and his past and future and current story, and 472 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 1: you know where he is and how he is and 473 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,440 Speaker 1: why he is the way he is. And I said, 474 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: I think there's something there. I think there's a real 475 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:55,160 Speaker 1: story there that you are understandably uncomfortable with, and without 476 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: going too far into it, and I said, if you 477 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:02,800 Speaker 1: want to talk about that now, now might be an opportunity. 478 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,560 Speaker 1: And I said, and of course you don't have to, 479 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:08,640 Speaker 1: and I won't bring it up again if you don't 480 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 1: want to, but I might suggest that even though you 481 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:16,240 Speaker 1: don't want to, maybe you need to. So that opened 482 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:22,640 Speaker 1: the door for a cascade of a waterfall of emotions 483 00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:29,440 Speaker 1: and words and a couple of hugs from Harps. But 484 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:33,240 Speaker 1: it was now, I'm not saying you should always do 485 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: that or like for me, it was really about timing. 486 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:40,160 Speaker 1: I just thought I built rapport with him and trust 487 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:42,760 Speaker 1: with him, and you know, I guess a kind of 488 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 1: friendship with him, and I just felt that I was 489 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,640 Speaker 1: at a point where I could probably say that without 490 00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:53,320 Speaker 1: pissing him off, and it turned out really well. It 491 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:56,280 Speaker 1: doesn't always turn out really well. Sometimes somebody might shut 492 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,960 Speaker 1: you down because they don't want to, or they're not ready. 493 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,320 Speaker 1: They may never be ready, and that's okay as well. 494 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:04,560 Speaker 1: But when we're talking about building rapport and connection and trust, 495 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:07,520 Speaker 1: when we're talking about working with people and whatever capacity, 496 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,720 Speaker 1: when we're talking about understanding who they are and how 497 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,320 Speaker 1: they are, especially for me as a coach or a 498 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:18,480 Speaker 1: mentor's and I'm trying to help somebody move through some 499 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 1: emotional and psychological barriers, but there's a big thing that 500 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:26,040 Speaker 1: we're not addressing. Then it's in my interest in there's 501 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: sometimes to be able to for me to be able 502 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,240 Speaker 1: to read between the lines, for me to be able 503 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,840 Speaker 1: to listen to what they're not saying, for me to 504 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 1: be able to kind of figure out that perhaps there's 505 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: an important thing here that the door is closed on, 506 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:47,640 Speaker 1: and maybe we'll just try and open it a little bit. Alright, 507 00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,560 Speaker 1: it we'll do one more for the moment. I might 508 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,880 Speaker 1: come back and revisit this topic one day, just because 509 00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:59,400 Speaker 1: I think it's really relevant. But my last one is two. 510 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:05,080 Speaker 1: Be aware of your own window. That is your version 511 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:08,000 Speaker 1: of reality, the window through which you view the world. 512 00:34:08,160 --> 00:34:11,879 Speaker 1: The window that is essentially a composition or an accumulation 513 00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,759 Speaker 1: of your beliefs and your experience, and your ideas and 514 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:20,000 Speaker 1: your likes and dislikes, and your bias and your assumptions, 515 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:24,560 Speaker 1: and your education, and all of the ideas and people 516 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:30,160 Speaker 1: and things and experiences that you've been exposed to from 517 00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,440 Speaker 1: you know, when you were born until now listening to this. 518 00:34:33,640 --> 00:34:36,120 Speaker 1: They shape who you are and how you are. Of course, 519 00:34:36,680 --> 00:34:40,560 Speaker 1: your genetic shape that, but the biggest factor in terms 520 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:43,520 Speaker 1: of how you think and how you process the world, 521 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,759 Speaker 1: and how you communicate, and how you see yourself and 522 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:49,840 Speaker 1: how you see others, The biggest component of that is 523 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,480 Speaker 1: really where you've been and what you've seen that is 524 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:57,400 Speaker 1: your experiences, relationships in school and media and social media 525 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,640 Speaker 1: and events, and all of those things are until now. 526 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:04,760 Speaker 1: And so it's really it's difficult to do, but again 527 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:09,840 Speaker 1: it's an exercise in self awareness, but is to do 528 00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:15,440 Speaker 1: our very best, remembering that your reality, the reality that 529 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,480 Speaker 1: is your thinking and your beliefs and your values and 530 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:23,440 Speaker 1: your emotions. Right now as you listen to these words, 531 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:28,120 Speaker 1: your reality is subjective. It is only the experience you're 532 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,840 Speaker 1: having now, in this moment, as you hear these words, 533 00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:33,759 Speaker 1: the experience you're having will be had by no one 534 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:38,360 Speaker 1: else because it's yours alone. And so when we open 535 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:39,960 Speaker 1: the door, and this is a little bit of a 536 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 1: headfuck on this idea of an objective reality, a reality 537 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:50,720 Speaker 1: bigger than ours, or a high level of awareness or consciousness. 538 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:54,360 Speaker 1: And as I've said before, like the beginning of consciousness 539 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:59,720 Speaker 1: and opening the consciousness door is recognizing our lack of consciousness, 540 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:04,399 Speaker 1: how unaware we are of everything other than our own 541 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: thoughts and our own version of reality. But when we 542 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,040 Speaker 1: sit in front of somebody and we know in that 543 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 1: moment that they're not looking through our window, that they 544 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:18,480 Speaker 1: don't necessarily share our beliefs or ideas or assumptions that 545 00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:22,480 Speaker 1: they don't have our worldview, and we're more interested in 546 00:36:23,560 --> 00:36:26,279 Speaker 1: trying to sneak away from our own window and have 547 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,759 Speaker 1: a glimpse through their window, then we really open the 548 00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:35,240 Speaker 1: door on that possibility of understanding. Remember, understanding, not necessarily 549 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:41,759 Speaker 1: agreeing or aligning or even liking, but just understanding. Alright, ey, team, 550 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,840 Speaker 1: I will leave you with that. I hope you have 551 00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: a good day. Don't forget my mentoring program starts pretty soon. 552 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,680 Speaker 1: Still got a few spots February three. Soon as I 553 00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,200 Speaker 1: record this anyway, by the time you hear it could 554 00:36:56,200 --> 00:36:58,680 Speaker 1: be done and dusted. But February three, twenty twenty five, 555 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: ten week Men Touring program got to Craig Harper dot net. 556 00:37:03,719 --> 00:37:07,239 Speaker 1: If you feel so inclined to check it out. Enjoy 557 00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:08,560 Speaker 1: your day,