WEBVTT - 78. The Grief of Outgrowing Old Versions of You - ITS HARD 😓 0:00:05.881 --> 0:00:13.241 Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy 0:00:13.281 --> 0:00:14.041 and I'm Tiana. 0:00:14.361 --> 0:00:17.320 This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to 0:00:17.361 --> 0:00:20.800 be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself. 0:00:20.961 --> 0:00:23.320 We help you shed the shame, grow to new level. 0:00:23.321 --> 0:00:26.241 We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone 0:00:26.281 --> 0:00:27.801 else is too afraid to talk about. 0:00:28.401 --> 0:00:32.080 Get ready for your next level of self. Today's episode 0:00:32.161 --> 0:00:35.521 is all about grieving old versions of ourselves, which we 0:00:35.681 --> 0:00:36.761 all go through. 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:39.841 But before we get into it, share really week, Yes 0:00:40.441 --> 0:00:43.521 you go first, Yes please. Mine is a new TV series. 0:00:43.561 --> 0:00:46.961 It's called The Better Sister. It's on Prime. It's got 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:49.041 Jessica Bield. Do you guys know she is forty three 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:52.641 years old. She looks insane. You've been raving about how 0:00:52.641 --> 0:00:54.201 good she looks. Oh my god. Her body is like 0:00:54.241 --> 0:00:56.681 a twenty year old not quite like it's mature and sporty. 0:00:56.681 --> 0:01:00.041 But I just she looks so fit, healthy and strong. 0:01:00.241 --> 0:01:02.441 But she's so feminine. She's just hot. I just think 0:01:02.441 --> 0:01:03.961 she's a babe. Forget what she looks like. I need 0:01:04.001 --> 0:01:06.521 to have a look like justin to well, yes, like 0:01:06.601 --> 0:01:08.401 There's just a couple of scenes where she like takes 0:01:08.401 --> 0:01:10.081 her clothes off and she's in a bran unders and 0:01:10.121 --> 0:01:14.001 I'm like, damn, turky, butt toned legs, like tone, tummy. 0:01:14.321 --> 0:01:16.720 She just looks amazing and she's a really great actress. 0:01:16.761 --> 0:01:18.840 Do you think she goes to the gym much takes 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:19.321 care of herself? 0:01:19.441 --> 0:01:21.481 Yeah, Steve said to me, is she genetically small? Do 0:01:21.521 --> 0:01:23.680 you think she works out? And like, look at the tone, 0:01:23.801 --> 0:01:26.520 Like she trains hard for that body, and I'm sure 0:01:26.521 --> 0:01:29.401 she like eats really well as well. But yeah, this 0:01:29.441 --> 0:01:33.121 whole series is about a couple and they split up, 0:01:33.280 --> 0:01:35.960 they have a kid together. The sister of this girl 0:01:36.360 --> 0:01:39.121 gets with the ex husband and then the husband gets murdered. 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:41.721 There's a son involved, There's twists and turns. You can't 0:01:41.721 --> 0:01:44.201 figure out who it is. There's so much that was 0:01:44.241 --> 0:01:46.681 happening behind the scenes of the relationship. The sister's been 0:01:46.721 --> 0:01:49.161 paining to someone that she's not and it's just every 0:01:49.201 --> 0:01:51.401 episode there's so much happening. So she love a bit 0:01:51.441 --> 0:01:55.241 of crime, a bit of mystery, a bit of toxic romance, 0:01:55.801 --> 0:01:57.201 and she's being on the edge of your seat trying 0:01:57.241 --> 0:01:59.841 to figure out who did it, like murdered mystery. It's 0:01:59.841 --> 0:02:02.161 cool interesting. Yeah, really good. I have to write it down. 0:02:02.241 --> 0:02:04.641 Yeah, the better sister on Prime my share of the 0:02:04.641 --> 0:02:06.641 week is is actually something that actually bought for us, 0:02:07.361 --> 0:02:11.681 which sounds on going. Actually came to me one day 0:02:11.681 --> 0:02:14.201 and she's like, I got something for you. 0:02:14.201 --> 0:02:16.361 You know, I'm the worst culprit for getting targeted on 0:02:16.481 --> 0:02:19.681 friggin social media ads of stupid shit and I just 0:02:19.721 --> 0:02:21.801 buy it. Get so influenced inluenced. 0:02:21.881 --> 0:02:24.561 It comes around the friend of stuff, like here's a 0:02:24.561 --> 0:02:28.321 little beef teller thing for your face. So this product 0:02:28.361 --> 0:02:31.321 is called her Plus. They're provided gummies or something like 0:02:31.321 --> 0:02:34.361 that for your pH balance in your vagina flavored pineapple. 0:02:34.520 --> 0:02:36.561 So these actually I ended up really loving them. I've 0:02:36.561 --> 0:02:38.161 been using them for like the last month or so 0:02:38.201 --> 0:02:39.601 since we got them. Both tried them. 0:02:40.001 --> 0:02:40.641 I love them. 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:43.321 I think they're amazing. So there's thousands and thousands of 0:02:43.361 --> 0:02:48.081 reviews of women who experience better sex, better pH balances, 0:02:48.201 --> 0:02:50.481 making sure that like they're obviously all good down there 0:02:50.481 --> 0:02:52.800 and that sort of thing. So I personally have found 0:02:52.841 --> 0:02:55.601 it has made me a little bit more wet for 0:02:55.841 --> 0:02:58.720 context for anybody who's listening. So that is one of 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:02.521 the benefits of the gummies. Gummies so, yeah, I wanted 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:03.280 to share them with you guys. 0:03:03.281 --> 0:03:05.201 And I've got no sense in it. I'm not convince 0:03:05.281 --> 0:03:07.921 they work because when I look at the ingredients and 0:03:07.921 --> 0:03:09.481 I still bought them, and when I buy them again, 0:03:10.401 --> 0:03:12.681 they're delicious. Any excuse me to have a lolli if 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:14.481 it comes in some sort of item, I'm like, even better, 0:03:14.520 --> 0:03:16.641 it's better for me. I just tell myself that. But 0:03:16.721 --> 0:03:18.321 when I look at the back of the ingredients, there 0:03:18.481 --> 0:03:22.081 isn't much in there. There's pineapple flaving, there's smell atole, 0:03:22.321 --> 0:03:24.601 there's a little bit of sugar. There's not a lot 0:03:24.601 --> 0:03:26.440 of things in there. Like, it's definitely not a probotic, 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:29.240 isn't it. No, And most probotics they have to be 0:03:29.361 --> 0:03:31.241 kept in the fridge too. Yes, once they put into 0:03:31.281 --> 0:03:33.641 a gummy, there's nothing alive in there that can actually 0:03:33.641 --> 0:03:37.161 build your health back up. So I'm not convinced that 0:03:37.201 --> 0:03:39.481 they actually help. However, I do really like them, yep. 0:03:39.721 --> 0:03:41.961 And if it helps me tastes and smell better, I'm like, 0:03:42.041 --> 0:03:42.561 oh for it. 0:03:42.641 --> 0:03:44.841 That's the big thing, is like it helps you taste 0:03:44.841 --> 0:03:47.121 and smell and yeah, making sure that your pH is 0:03:47.201 --> 0:03:49.961 on point basically, And I remember reading on the website 0:03:50.001 --> 0:03:52.961 and it being from like three female women doctors or 0:03:53.001 --> 0:03:55.361 something like that have come together to formulate it for women. 0:03:55.801 --> 0:03:57.441 And I just remember reading the website and be like, oh, 0:03:57.441 --> 0:03:57.921 that's so cool. 0:03:58.001 --> 0:03:59.761 Be very good marketing, though it could be I'm a 0:03:59.801 --> 0:04:03.641 marketer's on moment. Twenty thousand reviews. Yeah, and also when 0:04:03.681 --> 0:04:05.001 you say it makes you more wet, we will a 0:04:05.081 --> 0:04:06.121 s when the week of our population. 0:04:06.481 --> 0:04:09.681 Yes, so we're like true, you know, but also there's 0:04:09.721 --> 0:04:11.201 some reviews on there like that too. 0:04:11.401 --> 0:04:16.320 Yeah, So anyway, looks. 0:04:16.001 --> 0:04:19.441 If you're struggling even with like sex and intercourse and intercourse, 0:04:20.281 --> 0:04:21.640 oh my god, I've never said that word. 0:04:21.481 --> 0:04:24.080 In my life. They're delicious, and yeah, give them a go. 0:04:24.161 --> 0:04:25.841 I will order them again just because they're freaking yum 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:28.041 and if anything can help then why not. But I'm 0:04:28.081 --> 0:04:30.161 just yere, I'm not one hundred percent sure. I feel 0:04:30.201 --> 0:04:31.801 like when you look into supplements, you go to Flannery 0:04:31.841 --> 0:04:33.801 as you can really see what's in it, and they 0:04:33.880 --> 0:04:35.401 call it in the back by a natch path or 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:37.801 a nutritionist or I don't know. 0:04:37.801 --> 0:04:39.441 I'm gonna have a look on the website, but we'll 0:04:39.481 --> 0:04:39.960 let you guys know. 0:04:41.641 --> 0:04:44.801 Next minutes, a scam have fake doctors not kidding for 0:04:44.841 --> 0:04:49.041 the yump. Anyways, moving on, so what are we talking about? 0:04:49.481 --> 0:04:53.320 Greeting past versions of ourselves and ego deaths and just 0:04:53.401 --> 0:04:55.481 deaths of our old selves. And this is something we 0:04:55.601 --> 0:04:58.880 all go through and maybe something you have never reflected on, 0:04:58.921 --> 0:05:01.561 but we've been through different phases of our lives where 0:05:01.601 --> 0:05:03.561 have had to kind of let go of a past version. 0:05:03.801 --> 0:05:06.601 And it can be har sometimes. Even though you know 0:05:06.761 --> 0:05:09.401 this next level version of yourself is even better. She's 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:13.200 more evolved, she's more aware, she's more conscious, she's more flowy, calm, 0:05:13.281 --> 0:05:15.481 all the good things, there's still parts of your old 0:05:15.481 --> 0:05:19.681 self that you can grieve. I've had two that I 0:05:19.761 --> 0:05:22.201 feel the biggest ones of me, and the first was 0:05:22.601 --> 0:05:26.201 who I was before I became a mother, and there 0:05:26.281 --> 0:05:29.440 was quite a transition. I felt like, you do almost 0:05:29.961 --> 0:05:33.041 lose your old self. You have a rebirth. When you 0:05:33.201 --> 0:05:36.601 birth a child, you are different. It changes you. It 0:05:36.681 --> 0:05:39.201 changes your perspectives, it changes the way you show up, 0:05:39.201 --> 0:05:43.081 It changes your body, it changes your life, it changes everything. 0:05:43.561 --> 0:05:45.081 So I felt like I had to really get to 0:05:45.121 --> 0:05:47.801 know who I was as a mother and the parts 0:05:47.841 --> 0:05:49.481 of me that I still wanted to keep around the 0:05:49.481 --> 0:05:51.681 parts that I did, and I felt like we're maturing. 0:05:51.801 --> 0:05:53.841 I didn't want to lose the playful side of me, 0:05:54.841 --> 0:05:56.961 So I felt like I went through a period where 0:05:57.161 --> 0:05:59.200 I lost all of that and I was grieving this 0:05:59.521 --> 0:06:03.881 young free like free time, free energy, just end less, 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:06.440 do whatever I wanted. I'm sat I love freedom as well, 0:06:06.721 --> 0:06:10.361 so I really missed that free spirit. I suppose I 0:06:10.361 --> 0:06:12.121 felt like I needed to be more in control, and 0:06:12.201 --> 0:06:13.961 I was more stressed and I was more anxious, and 0:06:14.001 --> 0:06:18.361 I was like, where has that fun, loving, cruisy, sexual, playful, 0:06:18.721 --> 0:06:21.481 energetic actually gone? She's gone? And is she coming back? 0:06:22.121 --> 0:06:24.001 And then it was the process of like, Okay, maybe 0:06:24.001 --> 0:06:26.321 she is gone and she's been rebirthed, but how can 0:06:26.361 --> 0:06:28.601 I get to know this new version of myself? Who 0:06:28.601 --> 0:06:30.161 do I want to be? I still want to be playful, 0:06:30.361 --> 0:06:32.001 I still want to be in touch with my sexuality. 0:06:32.041 --> 0:06:33.921 I still want to have fun. But it's just going 0:06:33.961 --> 0:06:37.361 to look and feel different. And it's changed at the 0:06:37.401 --> 0:06:39.440 different ages of my kids as well. Like the first 0:06:39.521 --> 0:06:42.041 two or three years at Tarj was just tough. She 0:06:42.161 --> 0:06:42.681 wasn't there. 0:06:42.961 --> 0:06:45.761 She was like keeping above water, she was deep in it. 0:06:45.841 --> 0:06:48.601 Literally just surviving like I was floating in an ocean 0:06:48.641 --> 0:06:51.841 full of sharks ready to be eaten. I don't know 0:06:51.921 --> 0:06:53.521 that's a really bad analogy, but I'm. 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:54.760 Sure that's how it would have felt in the moment 0:06:54.761 --> 0:06:55.041 it did. 0:06:55.081 --> 0:06:57.801 I felt like I was just surviving, not thriving, Whereas 0:06:57.801 --> 0:07:00.601 with Tala, I found I was just way more regulated 0:07:00.721 --> 0:07:02.960 and I didn't feel like that full death, but I 0:07:02.961 --> 0:07:04.921 did feel like a new and more evolved version was 0:07:05.641 --> 0:07:07.760 and I was just more conscious, careful of my energy, 0:07:07.961 --> 0:07:10.681 and more confident in who I was. And then the 0:07:10.721 --> 0:07:13.081 second one was when I decided to give up on 0:07:13.441 --> 0:07:17.481 my career in the Finnis industry, and that was uncomfortable, 0:07:18.681 --> 0:07:20.841 even though I knew it was the right decision. Like 0:07:20.921 --> 0:07:23.521 things can be the right decision, it doesn't mean it's 0:07:23.561 --> 0:07:26.081 not going to be uncomfortable. So you can make move 0:07:26.161 --> 0:07:28.681 big Bob moves, make big decisions, whether it's ending a 0:07:28.721 --> 0:07:30.921 marriage or a relationship or a friendship, or quitting a 0:07:31.001 --> 0:07:33.681 job or leaving an industry that you know so well. 0:07:33.961 --> 0:07:35.761 It could be the right thing and still be uncomfortable. 0:07:35.761 --> 0:07:37.841 And that's what it was for me because I wrapped 0:07:37.841 --> 0:07:40.361 my identity around being the finness girl, so I'm like, 0:07:40.401 --> 0:07:43.041 who am I now that I'm not that? Why will 0:07:43.041 --> 0:07:44.601 people want to follow me? Why would they want to 0:07:44.601 --> 0:07:47.361 engage with me? What else is there about me? Because 0:07:47.521 --> 0:07:51.241 people have followed me for fitness, for workouts, for routines, 0:07:51.321 --> 0:07:54.561 for health tips, for food, for recipes. So I had 0:07:54.561 --> 0:07:56.681 to get to know who I was and then be 0:07:56.681 --> 0:07:59.161 able to show up authentically to who I was then 0:07:59.201 --> 0:08:02.641 and there, not just continue posting workouts because that's what 0:08:02.681 --> 0:08:04.921 everyone had known me for. But it was a massive 0:08:05.161 --> 0:08:07.001 death of my old self and it was hard to 0:08:07.081 --> 0:08:09.041 let go of. But I think I moved through that 0:08:09.121 --> 0:08:12.441 quite quickly because I loved who I was outside of 0:08:12.441 --> 0:08:15.321 the fitness industry, but I had to take space to 0:08:15.361 --> 0:08:17.961 figure out who that was and what I enjoyed and 0:08:18.001 --> 0:08:20.161 what I wanted to do moving forward. I found that 0:08:20.201 --> 0:08:22.241 more enjoyable as well as greeting it. 0:08:22.321 --> 0:08:23.841 Yeah, I feel like there were a few moments, like 0:08:23.881 --> 0:08:26.201 few finding moments throughout that process, but I feel like 0:08:26.241 --> 0:08:28.001 you did handle that quite well. It was just a 0:08:28.001 --> 0:08:30.401 couple of moments in time where you're like, oh, right now, 0:08:30.401 --> 0:08:32.361 it's feeling like a lot, and then yeah, we talk 0:08:32.401 --> 0:08:34.241 about it, process it, you know, and then you get 0:08:34.241 --> 0:08:36.561 closer and closer to what you actually wanted as well. 0:08:36.681 --> 0:08:38.841 Yeah, and it's like announcing something and doing something. And 0:08:38.841 --> 0:08:41.441 I remember actually like fully handing everything over to Levi, 0:08:41.921 --> 0:08:43.961 and I'm so glad that he was my business partner. 0:08:43.961 --> 0:08:46.161 I could hand it to someone who I know loves 0:08:46.201 --> 0:08:48.041 it so much. We'd built it together, were't going to 0:08:48.121 --> 0:08:50.041 just sell it to anyone and take over my name. 0:08:50.441 --> 0:08:52.241 It was handing it to someone who had helped build it. 0:08:52.281 --> 0:08:53.561 So I felt really good for that. But it was 0:08:53.601 --> 0:08:57.601 still like, oh, that's not mine anymore. All that work, 0:08:57.921 --> 0:09:01.561 all that time, the community, like the forums, the programs, 0:09:01.881 --> 0:09:04.801 the back end systems, the website, everything is just not 0:09:04.841 --> 0:09:09.521 mine anymore. And it felt like sad and uncomfortable. But 0:09:09.641 --> 0:09:11.841 also this is right and I'm excited for him to 0:09:11.881 --> 0:09:14.321 see what he does with it. So yeah, it was interesting. 0:09:14.601 --> 0:09:15.881 That was a big transition for you. 0:09:16.041 --> 0:09:18.321 It was, but it gave me more space to see, Yeah, 0:09:18.321 --> 0:09:19.801 who I wanted to be, what aligned with me, and 0:09:19.841 --> 0:09:21.921 what I want to do next, which has been part 0:09:21.961 --> 0:09:23.921 of the podcast, and giving some more energy to hide away. 0:09:23.921 --> 0:09:25.721 And it's been fun. I love it. 0:09:25.801 --> 0:09:28.561 You've come more and more into yourself. You've let all 0:09:28.601 --> 0:09:31.001 of these old chapters and things that aren't really feeling 0:09:31.041 --> 0:09:33.361 like not aligned, but not where you want to direct 0:09:33.361 --> 0:09:34.481 your energy anymore. Yeah. 0:09:34.521 --> 0:09:37.001 I love teaching, I always do, and I still love fitness, 0:09:37.521 --> 0:09:39.081 and if I got asked to run a big boot 0:09:39.081 --> 0:09:41.001 camp on stage or something, I'll probably say yes. But 0:09:41.041 --> 0:09:42.841 it's not all of who I am, and it's not 0:09:42.841 --> 0:09:45.321 all of what I wanted to do anymore. The podcast 0:09:45.441 --> 0:09:47.201 gave me a platform and a voice to be able 0:09:47.201 --> 0:09:49.041 to talk about other things that are really important to me, 0:09:49.081 --> 0:09:51.641 because it's not just about health and fitness. There's so 0:09:51.721 --> 0:09:54.841 much more to me and to life than just talking 0:09:54.881 --> 0:09:57.361 about food and exercise. So it's really cool that I 0:09:57.401 --> 0:09:59.241 can still have that passion and there's still a high 0:09:59.281 --> 0:10:00.761 value of mine, but I could talk about so many 0:10:00.761 --> 0:10:03.801 other things that are important conversations to have with women. 0:10:04.481 --> 0:10:05.961 So yeah, it's so beautiful as well. 0:10:05.961 --> 0:10:08.441 The way you've described it is like there's this grieving 0:10:08.561 --> 0:10:10.521 process but it's also equal parts beauty. 0:10:10.601 --> 0:10:12.321 Yeah, a duality, right, Yeah. 0:10:12.401 --> 0:10:14.241 Yeah, it sounds like you've had that moment where you've 0:10:14.241 --> 0:10:16.761 had to grieve and let go and be willing to 0:10:17.561 --> 0:10:20.121 let go of the certainty of something yes, to go 0:10:20.241 --> 0:10:22.761 into the unknown definitely come out on the other side 0:10:22.761 --> 0:10:23.801 of something really beautiful. 0:10:23.961 --> 0:10:26.361 And there's the financial side of it too. Yeah, anyone 0:10:26.481 --> 0:10:29.041 in a career transition or you start a business or 0:10:29.081 --> 0:10:30.881 give up a full time job to go out, card 0:10:30.921 --> 0:10:34.121 at your side, hustle or whatever, like that's a big thing. Yeah, 0:10:34.281 --> 0:10:36.081 let go of as well. There's so many layers to 0:10:36.601 --> 0:10:38.641 letting go of the old version of yourself that you 0:10:38.681 --> 0:10:41.161 have to work through and take risks and back yourself 0:10:41.201 --> 0:10:42.161 and just on a where you're. 0:10:42.001 --> 0:10:44.281 At right now and trust that you're making the right discay. 0:10:44.401 --> 0:10:46.681 Yeah, moment you know in your body though we always 0:10:46.721 --> 0:10:51.361 say this, when you actually stop, take a moment, slow down, breathe, 0:10:51.641 --> 0:10:54.361 just like recenter, connect with yourself. The answers are there. 0:10:54.721 --> 0:10:57.081 And I got all those answers when I was in hospital. Yeah, 0:10:57.121 --> 0:10:58.761 I had forty eight hours where I was like twiddling 0:10:58.841 --> 0:11:02.521 my thumbs, no distractions, no kids around. I was like, 0:11:02.601 --> 0:11:04.641 oh my gosh, this is what I need to do. 0:11:05.121 --> 0:11:06.601 But I've been putting it off for a while. I 0:11:06.601 --> 0:11:08.761 remember months before I even found out my brain on nurism, 0:11:08.841 --> 0:11:11.601 I was just so unhappy. It's crying to Steve all 0:11:11.641 --> 0:11:13.601 the time. I couldn't figure out why I was waking 0:11:13.681 --> 0:11:16.241 up not wanting to go to work. Everything felt hard. 0:11:16.281 --> 0:11:19.921 I didn't feel motivated. Yeah, I loved active wear, but I 0:11:19.961 --> 0:11:22.041 didn't love selling it anymore. I felt like I was 0:11:22.121 --> 0:11:25.161 just constantly selling, selling, selling, and I'd built a brand 0:11:25.161 --> 0:11:27.441 that was off my name and that's how we sold organically. 0:11:27.921 --> 0:11:31.001 All of it just didn't feel good anymore. Yeah, it 0:11:31.081 --> 0:11:33.841 was a strange thing to feel. But when you give 0:11:33.841 --> 0:11:36.041 yourself that space, the answers are there, and then you 0:11:36.081 --> 0:11:39.201 get a choice if you're honor them. So Mike Drop, like, 0:11:40.081 --> 0:11:42.401 what about you? What old versions of you have you 0:11:42.481 --> 0:11:45.401 had to say goodbye to and reinvent yourself and get 0:11:45.401 --> 0:11:47.001 to know who Tiana is now? 0:11:47.201 --> 0:11:50.201 Oh, reinvent myself. I feel like I've reinvented myself a 0:11:50.241 --> 0:11:50.841 million times. 0:11:50.841 --> 0:11:52.801 I love that. Yeah, but on you for being open 0:11:52.841 --> 0:11:53.321 to change. 0:11:53.401 --> 0:11:56.201 Yeah, it's it's hard and uncomfortable, but it's also a 0:11:56.281 --> 0:11:59.001 really empowering thing as well, because the way that I 0:11:59.081 --> 0:12:00.761 like to see it is like, Wow, I have the 0:12:00.881 --> 0:12:04.201 opportunity for me to completely transform the current life that 0:12:04.201 --> 0:12:06.961 I'm living into some thing that actually feels a line 0:12:07.001 --> 0:12:10.161 for me and is like the reflection of who I 0:12:10.201 --> 0:12:11.921 want to be as a woman. You know, Like, if 0:12:11.961 --> 0:12:14.601 I could look at all the different variations of Tiana that. 0:12:14.561 --> 0:12:17.841 I've over the years, it's like a whirlwind. I would 0:12:17.841 --> 0:12:19.601 have loved seen younger vig. 0:12:20.401 --> 0:12:28.361 God, she's been busy, you know. I think probably the 0:12:28.401 --> 0:12:32.241 biggest transition for me when I was younger, I would say, 0:12:32.241 --> 0:12:34.281 the most like pivot one that kind of started all 0:12:34.281 --> 0:12:39.081 of the other was transitioned from party girl to self development. Yeah, 0:12:39.121 --> 0:12:42.441 growth consciousness. That was the biggest one. That was the 0:12:42.481 --> 0:12:44.441 biggest one that triggered all of the rest of them. 0:12:44.521 --> 0:12:46.361 That's cool, and that was a powerful one for me 0:12:46.401 --> 0:12:48.881 because I almost went from this version of myself who 0:12:49.001 --> 0:12:53.121 was one very unaware, very selfish, self led, didn't really 0:12:53.201 --> 0:12:57.001 care victim, Yeah, victim just was very self focused that 0:12:57.041 --> 0:12:58.441 I was like, just wanted to do what I wanted 0:12:58.441 --> 0:12:59.921 to do. I wanted to have what I wanted to have, 0:13:00.121 --> 0:13:02.961 you know, and everything was very quite self level. And 0:13:03.001 --> 0:13:05.481 then I went from that version of myself to somebody 0:13:05.521 --> 0:13:09.641 who started to gain more self awareness, realize myself, realize 0:13:09.681 --> 0:13:12.841 my patterns, realize my impact on other people and other 0:13:12.881 --> 0:13:16.881 people's impact on me. And that transition, even though it 0:13:16.961 --> 0:13:20.201 was a positive one, I went through like a grieving process. 0:13:20.801 --> 0:13:21.001 You know. 0:13:21.161 --> 0:13:23.681 It's like I was letting go of the care free 0:13:23.881 --> 0:13:26.161 this is the story I had. I was letting go 0:13:26.321 --> 0:13:28.921 of the care free version of me who didn't really care, 0:13:28.961 --> 0:13:33.281 who had very little responsibility, Yeah, to becoming this woman 0:13:33.321 --> 0:13:36.241 who now cared about what everybody thought, cared about the 0:13:36.281 --> 0:13:39.401 decisions that I made, who I impacted, how I impacted them, 0:13:39.561 --> 0:13:41.641 how much impact I would create on other people in 0:13:41.681 --> 0:13:43.721 the world. And so it went from like a I 0:13:43.761 --> 0:13:48.641 almost aggrieved this real like care free version of my Yeah. 0:13:48.681 --> 0:13:51.481 And it was just a really interesting thing because even 0:13:51.481 --> 0:13:52.881 though I knew it was going to be good for me, 0:13:53.361 --> 0:13:55.481 I just had this story that carefree Tianna didn't get 0:13:55.481 --> 0:13:58.561 to come with me. Yeah, but that's not necessarily true. 0:13:58.561 --> 0:14:01.481 Carefree Tiana did come with me. She just showed up differently, 0:14:01.921 --> 0:14:04.921 you know, cool, instead of being careless and reckless and 0:14:05.481 --> 0:14:08.241 you know, didn't really care for consequences and things like that. 0:14:08.281 --> 0:14:11.641 I just be honestly whatever, Yeah, it'll sort of self out, 0:14:11.761 --> 0:14:16.921 that's fine. It was not absolutely not fine, Absolutely not fine. Yeah, 0:14:16.961 --> 0:14:19.081 the carefree version of me showed up in a different way. 0:14:19.481 --> 0:14:22.321 And so there was a grieving process of even though 0:14:22.361 --> 0:14:24.961 that version of me wasn't good for me, I still 0:14:24.961 --> 0:14:27.361 had to grieve that part of me. Yeah, I degrieve 0:14:27.441 --> 0:14:29.721 the version of me who loved to drink, who went out, 0:14:29.761 --> 0:14:33.161 who partied, who you know, loved attention from guys, who 0:14:33.521 --> 0:14:35.561 didn't take herself seriously. I had to grieve all of 0:14:35.561 --> 0:14:38.241 those parts of me that actually weren't serving me. But 0:14:38.281 --> 0:14:40.081 then I got to let that go and evolve into 0:14:40.121 --> 0:14:42.241 like a more beautiful version of myself, which I'm really 0:14:42.281 --> 0:14:45.001 really proud of. But I don't think people talk about 0:14:45.041 --> 0:14:49.441 that enough. It's like, when you're grieving bad habits, bad choices, 0:14:49.521 --> 0:14:53.161 bad actions, you know, unhealthy ways of thinking, you're grieving 0:14:53.201 --> 0:14:54.281 that part of you as well. 0:14:54.361 --> 0:14:57.241 And I'm assuming when you went through that process, did 0:14:57.241 --> 0:15:00.881 you also kind of have to disconnect from the party 0:15:00.921 --> 0:15:02.721 friends because you were doing different things. So you're not 0:15:02.721 --> 0:15:05.721 only grieving your old party, fun, care free Tiana, but 0:15:05.761 --> 0:15:07.521 you have to grieve the friendships you're going to lose 0:15:07.561 --> 0:15:10.001 because that's how they connect and that's how you guys 0:15:10.001 --> 0:15:12.281 have fun and do things. Have to grieve them as well. 0:15:12.321 --> 0:15:14.281 This is a conversation I actually had the other night, 0:15:14.521 --> 0:15:16.921 and I love that you said that because at every 0:15:16.921 --> 0:15:19.441 point in my journey. Whenever I have been drinking, I 0:15:19.481 --> 0:15:24.201 have lost those friends. But because they're not actually my friends' friends, 0:15:24.321 --> 0:15:25.361 they're my party friends. 0:15:25.521 --> 0:15:27.681 So the connections more surface level. It's not like that 0:15:27.721 --> 0:15:30.961 actually real authentic deep connection at all. Great got at all. 0:15:30.841 --> 0:15:32.601 Those people were meeting me on the same level that 0:15:32.641 --> 0:15:35.161 I was at, so migration, Yeah, it was surface level. 0:15:35.201 --> 0:15:37.161 It was let's go out for the weekend and go 0:15:37.241 --> 0:15:39.281 have fun and go stay in the city, and you know, 0:15:39.361 --> 0:15:41.561 we wouldn't even go get breakfast the next morning. Yeah, 0:15:41.641 --> 0:15:44.361 you know, So it wasn't deep connection getting to know 0:15:44.441 --> 0:15:45.641 each other, being there for each. 0:15:45.481 --> 0:15:47.881 Other front conversation instead of yeah, and. 0:15:47.841 --> 0:15:49.921 Then it's drama, you know, being there through all the 0:15:50.001 --> 0:15:52.281 chaos and all that sort of stuff. But outside of that, 0:15:52.521 --> 0:15:55.641 was there really any substance to the friendship. No, So yes, 0:15:55.681 --> 0:15:57.921 you grieve the version of you who was that, who 0:15:57.921 --> 0:16:00.241 attracted that, who liked that, and then you grieve the 0:16:00.321 --> 0:16:02.961 version of you who was choosing to be friends with 0:16:02.961 --> 0:16:05.121 all these people who weren't really choosing you. 0:16:06.001 --> 0:16:06.721 Yeah. 0:16:06.721 --> 0:16:08.441 So that was a really big one for me, and 0:16:08.641 --> 0:16:11.441 the first one that really changed the trajectory of my life. 0:16:11.441 --> 0:16:14.321 Like I'm so grateful. I remember going through that transition 0:16:14.401 --> 0:16:17.441 and thinking, oh my god, I've been sleeping my whole life. 0:16:17.561 --> 0:16:18.761 I feel like I'm finally waking up. 0:16:18.801 --> 0:16:21.441 I sleep walking through life, yeah. 0:16:20.801 --> 0:16:23.321 And just having this new profound awareness of myself and 0:16:23.361 --> 0:16:26.041 my life. I was like, oh my god, like this 0:16:26.121 --> 0:16:28.361 is what life's about. Yeah, So that was really cool 0:16:28.401 --> 0:16:32.161 for me. I would say there's two other ones, but 0:16:32.241 --> 0:16:33.721 the one that I kind of want to point out 0:16:33.841 --> 0:16:36.441 is the one that has been the most recent for me, 0:16:36.481 --> 0:16:38.281 from coach Tiana to more mem. 0:16:38.361 --> 0:16:39.161 I love this one. 0:16:39.241 --> 0:16:42.121 This has been a really cool transition for me. I 0:16:42.161 --> 0:16:44.121 feel like for the longest time in my business, which 0:16:44.121 --> 0:16:46.481 has been like about four years now, I have hid 0:16:46.521 --> 0:16:47.521 behind coach Tiana. 0:16:47.761 --> 0:16:49.281 Explain that who is coach Tiana. 0:16:49.361 --> 0:16:52.721 So coach Tianna is very like well put together, very educated, 0:16:52.881 --> 0:16:57.241 know to shit, yeah, very well presented, and it's kind 0:16:57.281 --> 0:17:00.521 of like the very professional Tiana, if I could label it, 0:17:00.601 --> 0:17:02.481 you know, like you go into an office well dressed, 0:17:02.521 --> 0:17:05.801 well kept, speaks well, presents themselves well. And that for 0:17:05.881 --> 0:17:08.281 me has been kind of like my coach Tiana and 0:17:08.281 --> 0:17:11.400 my persona. Yeah, and I haven't intentionally meant to do that, 0:17:11.521 --> 0:17:14.160 but what I noticed is that I was like hiding 0:17:14.201 --> 0:17:16.961 behind the version of me who was just a coach. 0:17:17.640 --> 0:17:19.561 And it's not a bad thing, but it was like 0:17:19.561 --> 0:17:21.640