Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to The Maths Funny Podcast with
Speaker 1: Me Joshua Fox and trigger warning. Some of you may
Speaker 1: find this episode uncomfortable to listen to as it covers
Speaker 1: topics such as mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault and rape.
Speaker 1: And as heavy as this episode does get, I think
Speaker 1: it is a very important conversation to have and to
Speaker 1: share on here. So last night, some of you may
Speaker 1: have watched Katie on a Current Affair where she was
Speaker 1: talking about her journey since married at First Sight and
Speaker 1: how she's been focusing on her health, learning to love
Speaker 1: herself and overcoming some very heartbreaking things from her past
Speaker 1: which she's never spoken about publicly until now. And that's
Speaker 1: because she's no longer ashamed of this, and she's realized
Speaker 1: that sharing this publicly won't just help her rid any
Speaker 1: last bit of shame that she's held on to for
Speaker 1: so long now, but it will also help other victims
Speaker 1: who have been through similar things feel less alone and
Speaker 1: ashamed of what happened to them. Since this season and
Speaker 1: started airing, I have got to know Katie privately and
Speaker 1: have been aware of this personal journey she has been on,
Speaker 1: and I also became aware of how that instant rejection
Speaker 1: from Tim.
Speaker 2: On her wedding day that we all.
Speaker 1: Watched brought back so much trauma that none of us
Speaker 1: had any idea about, and none of us would have
Speaker 1: any idea about because she's.
Speaker 2: Never shared this.
Speaker 1: And I remember as Katie's storyline played out, as much
Speaker 1: as we all felt sorry for her and wanted her
Speaker 1: to just find her dream man and have a happily
Speaker 1: ever after, there were also so many people saying things like, oh,
Speaker 1: stop crying, get over it. You've only known him a day,
Speaker 1: you know he's type who cares. Then this conversation will
Speaker 1: give you all so much context as to why Katie
Speaker 1: did become so emotional on the show, and this chat
Speaker 1: will hopefully act as a reminder that we never really
Speaker 1: know what someone has been through or are going through,
Speaker 1: so we should always maybe try just be a bit
Speaker 1: more kinder and sympathetic, which I know is easier said
Speaker 1: than done, especially and watching and judging reality television. And
Speaker 1: for anyone who has read my book or seen a
Speaker 1: recent video I did on my personal Instagram last week,
Speaker 1: you will know that what happened to Katie, which she
Speaker 1: shares in this episode, is something that once happened to
Speaker 1: me too, and that's kind of why we wanted to
Speaker 1: have this chat together. And just like Katie, after my incident,
Speaker 1: I did blame myself. I was mad how I could
Speaker 1: let someone do something like that to me, and then
Speaker 1: I then spiraled. I developed bad habits, I self sabotaged
Speaker 1: good things in my life. I pushed people away and
Speaker 1: it's been a journey for me to overcome that. And
Speaker 1: as much as I have and I acknowledge what happened
Speaker 1: and the bad things that happened afterwards, I haven't fully
Speaker 1: overcome it because like tiny things can trigger the darkest moments,
Speaker 1: like often unbeknown to the person who may have brought
Speaker 1: everything back to the surface, which again, if anyone is
Speaker 1: following the little series I'm doing with my current partner Stephanel,
Speaker 1: that's kind of what happened between us, and I was
Speaker 1: pushing him away because he said something which brought back
Speaker 1: all these things and then we spoke about that in
Speaker 1: a clip, which was scary for me to put.
Speaker 2: That out there.
Speaker 1: But similar to Katie, I'm not ashamed and maybe if
Speaker 1: more people had these conversations, people who have been for
Speaker 1: it would feel less I don't know, blaming themselves I
Speaker 1: don't know.
Speaker 2: Sorry I'm rambling now.
Speaker 1: Before I played the chat out with Katie again, I
Speaker 1: just want to say trigger warning. This does cover some
Speaker 1: quite heavy and dark topics, so only listen if you
Speaker 1: think you're able to. Hello Katie, Hi Josh, Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the Maths for new podcast.
Speaker 3: Thank you. Good to be here. As always.
Speaker 1: You are, in my six years covering the show, the
Speaker 1: first Maths person to come into my house.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I feel very very honored. We're going to have a
Speaker 3: safe chat, safe space, you know, peace and love.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's why I wanted to do this here,
Speaker 1: not the studio, because I know we're going to talk
Speaker 1: about maybe some personal things, and yeah, it feels like.
Speaker 2: A nice space.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. It's so caring.
Speaker 2: How have you been.
Speaker 1: I've not seen you in a month now since the reunion.
Speaker 3: Yeah, since yeah, the Daily Telegraph reunion, I.
Speaker 2: Daily Mail.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been. Well, I've been, you know, getting back
Speaker 3: into the swing of things as you do. But alongside
Speaker 3: like all these realizations that I'm left with about myself
Speaker 3: that I've not been confronted with before. So just navigating
Speaker 3: that and trying to be gentle with myself and yeah,
Speaker 3: get get back into the momentum of normal life for
Speaker 3: the new normal, which.
Speaker 2: Is all easier said than done, very much, so.
Speaker 3: Much easier said than done. So yeah, it's been it's
Speaker 3: been good.
Speaker 1: I don't know, I feel like I have a better
Speaker 1: connection with you than the rest of the cast this year.
Speaker 1: And I think it came down to remember a few
Speaker 1: weeks when you sent me that voice message for after
Speaker 1: the reunion and you were like, yeah, I saw there
Speaker 1: was something off of you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, bad energy.
Speaker 1: And then you did the saging burning thing. And then
Speaker 1: my mom was confused because I know she thought I
Speaker 1: was like, but I just thought that was so lovely.
Speaker 1: And then for me, we all kind of fell in
Speaker 1: love with you from the start. You're just a great personality,
Speaker 1: great energy, and like we just wanted you to fine happiness.
Speaker 2: I mean, remember I did the billboard.
Speaker 3: Yes, oh my god, that was Honestly, that was the
Speaker 3: best thing I've ever seen in my life out of
Speaker 3: everything I've seen. I was like, oh my gosh, that
Speaker 3: was gold.
Speaker 1: That's how passionate. I was like, the show, did you dirty?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And then you know, at the time we all got
Speaker 1: caught up with him just how we rejected you, and
Speaker 1: that was cruel. And then I suppose the way we
Speaker 1: as the fans, were like, well, bring it back, mixture
Speaker 1: and do her a better match. But I suppose what
Speaker 1: we didn't know is that there was like a lot
Speaker 1: more attached to this storyline that nobody really knows.
Speaker 3: For you personally, right, yeah, I think that's yeah, definitely,
Speaker 3: the case with me and others is that you know,
Speaker 3: you're on your own math's journey and there's so many
Speaker 3: layers to a storyline that you just don't get, and
Speaker 3: especially mine, I was, you know, really triggered, and the
Speaker 3: rejection was just another kind of heavy thing to carry,
Speaker 3: and it really it brought me to a turning point.
Speaker 3: And I could implode even further and internalize that even more,
Speaker 3: and or I could like use it as a catalyst
Speaker 3: to go in a very different direction. And I was ready.
Speaker 3: I was done. That was the last time I'm ever
Speaker 3: gonna let anyone make me feel bad about myself.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then it was I supposed the storyline was the
Speaker 1: rejection was he just looked at you your appearance.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: And then I suppose what we're going to talk about
Speaker 1: today is kind of how layered that is and how
Speaker 1: much trauma is attached to that. People don't know. And
Speaker 1: it's easy to on these shows. You know, he took
Speaker 1: you up just appearance and went no, and then people
Speaker 1: could be dismissive to you, be like, oh, we'll get
Speaker 1: over it. He didn't like you, but someone else will.
Speaker 1: But actually you can't just do that. You can't just
Speaker 1: shrug things off.
Speaker 2: And yeah, I suppose your struggle with.
Speaker 1: Body image and your way and kind of insecurities around
Speaker 1: that that's been with you for a long time now.
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, And I feel like the more traumatic things
Speaker 3: I go through that went through because I'm not doing
Speaker 3: it anymore. The more trauma I kind of have in
Speaker 3: my life, the more I comfort eat, or the more
Speaker 3: I blame myself, or the more I carry that burden
Speaker 3: and don't know how to deal with that pain and anxiety.
Speaker 3: So the only thing that and a pattern and a
Speaker 3: habit that I have, probably from childhood, is that I
Speaker 3: would turn to comfort food or turn to binge eating,
Speaker 3: because when I binge eat, binge ate, I would then
Speaker 3: get sleepy, so like relax me and then you know,
Speaker 3: food comba myself and you know, so I just had
Speaker 3: some really bad habits going on, but it was for survival.
Speaker 3: It was just to get through the day and get through,
Speaker 3: you know, what was going on. And it's just like
Speaker 3: that's my way that I dealt with trauma and bad
Speaker 3: things happening on a day to day or whatever scenario situations.
Speaker 3: So I feel like when I saw myself on MATHS,
Speaker 3: and when I saw that the person that was supposed
Speaker 3: to love me for me and learn to get to
Speaker 3: know me and who I am on the inside was
Speaker 3: just so dismissive based off five seconds of seeing me.
Speaker 3: It was really really difficult because I brought up so
Speaker 3: much rejection and so much kind of getting you thrown
Speaker 3: out or treated like a piece of meat and like
Speaker 3: something to be you know, discarded like ill to And
Speaker 3: I'm so much more than my physical body, and I
Speaker 3: have so much love to give and so much you know,
Speaker 3: beauty to bring into somebody's life emotionally, like I feel
Speaker 3: like I'm real wifey material, you know, and to be
Speaker 3: so quickly tossed aside really carried with it so much,
Speaker 3: so many triggers, because you know, in this just in
Speaker 3: this world alone, it's just shallow and gross, and but
Speaker 3: for me. I have a pretty dark past with relationship
Speaker 3: with regards to male interactions, where I have been reduced
Speaker 3: to what I am physically, and I have been reduced
Speaker 3: to being a piece of meat to have their way
Speaker 3: with and then throw away like I didn't matter. And
Speaker 3: I felt that again. I felt everything just get ripped
Speaker 3: open again. But it was in front of so many people,
Speaker 3: and it was Yeah, it was really really tricky, and
Speaker 3: I like tried to hold myself together and I tried
Speaker 3: to you know, just be in my own headspace and
Speaker 3: self self soothe as much as I could. And yeah,
Speaker 3: I got out of there, and I and then I
Speaker 3: watched it back in particular, and I saw myself as
Speaker 3: somebody who hadn't yet healed, and I could see the
Speaker 3: physical repercussions of my lifestyle, and I was like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna let that keep happening to me. Nobody
Speaker 3: gets that power anymore. So, yeah, it's been a big turnaround,
Speaker 3: but it's a lot of yeah triggers, and you know,
Speaker 3: we all hold our trauma in different ways.
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, And then as you say, you know, within
Speaker 1: seconds he did just it was physical and like I
Speaker 1: can't even imagine, like how much it took you to
Speaker 1: even get there on your wedding day and agree to that,
Speaker 1: knowing the level of scrutiny, and you know, if you've
Speaker 1: struggled with binge eating and body image, that you must
Speaker 1: have got to a place where you felt, actually, I'm
Speaker 1: past that, I'm ready, like I'm ready for love.
Speaker 2: I love myself now.
Speaker 1: And then like that, fuck, I can't imagine that. And
Speaker 1: like when we saw you so emotional in those scenes afterwards,
Speaker 1: and you know, some viewers will be like, well, he's
Speaker 1: not into you, so.
Speaker 3: Like some people wrote too that I saw you know,
Speaker 3: oh so she's just such a pain, like crying all
Speaker 3: the time, like oh, no, wonder she's not wanted or no,
Speaker 3: wonder this, no wonder that. Oh she's just so emotional.
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, I've only you knew.
Speaker 1: Because that split second rejection from him broke about what
Speaker 1: decades of.
Speaker 2: Trauma rejection, Yeah, struggle.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I finally got myself to a place in life
Speaker 3: where I really liked who I am, I really liked
Speaker 3: how I was in the world. I liked the person
Speaker 3: on the inside, and I was really proud of myself
Speaker 3: and all the struggles that I've been through and pulled
Speaker 3: myself out of on my own. I feel like I
Speaker 3: really love who I am and then to have somebody
Speaker 3: like not even have a tiny glimpse of that, and
Speaker 3: not only that, but also turn it or try to
Speaker 3: flip it to make me the bad person or make
Speaker 3: me the person in the wrong, I was like, Oh,
Speaker 3: what is actually happening? Like so, yeah, I was obviously
Speaker 3: upset that this situation was playing out the way it was,
Speaker 3: but I did bounce back pretty quickly outside of things,
Speaker 3: and I did see what I needed to do for myself. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so I took action. It was speaking action.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like It's interesting for me because I think you
Speaker 1: can think you're recovered from things and you've healed in
Speaker 1: your past them, but then all it takes is one
Speaker 1: slight thing. And when you recently said that to me
Speaker 1: that I see my energy was off that because I
Speaker 1: started seeing this person and then I held out until
Speaker 1: I stayed over. I said, I don't want to rush
Speaker 1: into that because I've made that mistake before. I and
Speaker 1: sex for me is attached to like a lot of
Speaker 1: trauma in the past and stuff. And then I was like,
Speaker 1: with this person now away and he was happy to
Speaker 1: do that and respectful, and then I finally stay over
Speaker 1: and then he just ghosted me and like it is
Speaker 1: what it is. You know, we only met four times,
Speaker 1: but like for me, it was like, actually, this time,
Speaker 1: I'm putting myself first and I'm being open and then
Speaker 1: you know that slight thing then sends you spiraling.
Speaker 2: Back, doesn't that?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Again, People even my friends like, oh you barely n him.
Speaker 2: Get over it. I was like nah.
Speaker 1: And then he texted me like maybe two weeks after that,
Speaker 1: being like, hey, what's up, what's new?
Speaker 3: Ill?
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then my friend's like, don't even reply. Then
Speaker 1: I was like, well okay. But then I sat in
Speaker 1: it for a few days and I actually sent him
Speaker 1: a long reply like what's not You actually really hurt
Speaker 1: me because I told you this, this and this and
Speaker 1: then nothing and again it felt like you just discarded
Speaker 1: me after what you had my body and had sex
Speaker 1: with me, and then that's all I was. And then
Speaker 1: even with my current partner, who I'm doing this stupid
Speaker 1: experiment with, it's similar with him because he there was
Speaker 1: one night near the start and he was wanting to
Speaker 1: have sex more than I did, and like you know,
Speaker 1: with a partner, you do have to compromise a bit.
Speaker 1: Nothing's against your will, but you know it's it's a relationship.
Speaker 1: And then I was like, I'm not really feeling it,
Speaker 1: and I just seen how his body language changed and
Speaker 1: then he didn't mean anything bad.
Speaker 2: But we've spoke about it a lot since. But then
Speaker 2: it brought up.
Speaker 1: For me when there was a time I was I
Speaker 1: was sexually solid several years ago and like sex on
Speaker 1: me is a bigger thing now. And then after that incident,
Speaker 1: I suppose similar to what you said and how you
Speaker 1: will spiral and bingee and the comfort it was like
Speaker 1: for me after that incident, I just slect with so
Speaker 1: many people because it was like that person treated me
Speaker 1: how I felt everybody sees me, or how I'd always felt.
Speaker 1: And then when that person did that to me it
Speaker 1: was about three years ago. Now, after that, I spiraled
Speaker 1: like having more reckless sex and letting people just use
Speaker 1: me for my body because I thought that's all I
Speaker 1: was worth. And then it goes back to even when
Speaker 1: I thought I was so healed from that, and then
Speaker 1: my current partner now that split second thing from him,
Speaker 1: which he's like lovely, He hadn't there was no bad
Speaker 1: intent there but it it just makes you feel again, Oh,
Speaker 1: is this all I am to everybody?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Oh yeah, it's yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry you
Speaker 3: went through that.
Speaker 1: That's that's okay. You know, we've all been through things.
Speaker 1: But I think maybe the thing here is for everyone
Speaker 1: to just be kinder or more open minded because so
Speaker 1: many people take things surface level. Again, you on the shower,
Speaker 1: get over it. Stop crying like you but yeah, actually no,
Speaker 1: when you know that the lifelong strugle to get to
Speaker 1: that point, don't get over it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, actually be mud, be angry and cry. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, we don't have to go into it. But
Speaker 3: is that something that happened three years ago to you
Speaker 3: that's quite fresh? Like what happened to me was when
Speaker 3: I was twenty years old. It was a while ago.
Speaker 3: Now I'm thirty eight, and I still find things popping
Speaker 3: up and triggering me and realizations about how I've internalized
Speaker 3: that stuff. I did go through a similar thing too,
Speaker 3: where I felt like all I was was somebody to
Speaker 3: be used and thrown out, like my body was for them.
Speaker 3: If they gave me attention, it meant validation, Like I
Speaker 3: wasn't For that moment, I wasn't worthless.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exact.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then but after what happened is that it
Speaker 3: is okay to share. What happened is it's a big head.
Speaker 3: Now I'm come, I'm fine. We're all friends after the world. Yeah,
Speaker 3: I was three months away from turning twenty one and
Speaker 3: I was saving up to open my second remedial massage clinic.
Speaker 3: I'd open one already, it was going really well, but
Speaker 3: I just wanted some extra coins speeded along. So I
Speaker 3: was working at night set a bar and then I
Speaker 3: was chatting to customers and he found out kind of
Speaker 3: where I lived, and that's normal conversation or where you're like,
Speaker 3: you know, just completely innocent. And then I was leaving
Speaker 3: the shift and then I yea heard this person walk
Speaker 3: up behind me. I turn around and he's like, oh,
Speaker 3: my friends all got in a taxi. They all took off,
Speaker 3: but they're going to a barney where you live. Can
Speaker 3: I get a lift? And I was like, oh yeah, sure,
Speaker 3: that's like no problem whatever whatever. And then on the
Speaker 3: way there, he convinced me to you know, come out
Speaker 3: with him, and I was like, okay, like sure, I'm
Speaker 3: so antisocial, like unless I'm getting like an invite, I
Speaker 3: don't think to go out. So I was like, yeah, okay, cool,
Speaker 3: and he's like, oh, and we'll meet up with the
Speaker 3: guys and stuff and it will be fun. I was
Speaker 3: like okay, and I said, but I'm via beer all
Speaker 3: over me from the bar work. I'm like, I'll just
Speaker 3: go home and freshen up and then we'll go out.
Speaker 3: He's like, okay, cool, do that. And then I so
Speaker 3: I'll go home to my place and get ready, have
Speaker 3: a shower, and he's just hanging out in the lounge
Speaker 3: room whatever whatever we go out. He's really got no
Speaker 3: kind of urgency or to find his friends. And I
Speaker 3: was like, I was like, where are your mates? Were
Speaker 3: your mates? And something really started to kind of like
Speaker 3: go or you know that cold chill that you get
Speaker 3: where like something's up, like something's weird and so on.
Speaker 3: My kind of motivation to be out just started to go.
Speaker 3: And I was like, I'm going to go home like
Speaker 3: all the best. He's like, oh, let me, Oh, my
Speaker 3: friends aren't Oh they're not here anymore. My friends aren't
Speaker 3: here anymore. And it's like where he lived was like
Speaker 3: an hour away. He's Oh, would you mind if I
Speaker 3: crash on your couch? And I won't be a bother
Speaker 3: blah blah blah. And I was like like, oh fine,
Speaker 3: because like I drove there, but I'd been drinking, had
Speaker 3: a few drinks at night, so I'm not driving anywhere.
Speaker 3: I was like, yeah, so we've got taxi back to
Speaker 3: my place. And it's like you set you up on
Speaker 3: the couch, put a pillow down, blanket, You're all set.
Speaker 3: And then I went got changed and it was like
Speaker 3: night see you. Later came out to get a glass
Speaker 3: of water and he was in the kitchen sculling a
Speaker 3: bottle of wine that was unopened, like a full bottle
Speaker 3: of wine, and my blood ran cold. And I was like,
Speaker 3: oh my god, just just extract yourself and go. And
Speaker 3: then yeah, he ended up coming into the room and
Speaker 3: and yeah, yeah, anyway, I was like pinned down and paralyzed.
Speaker 3: I never I always thought like I'm fight off anyone.
Speaker 3: I'm a Viking woman, like I can escape. I can.
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna be one of those people that just,
Speaker 3: you know, give up. That's not me. I had no
Speaker 3: control over my body. I was pinned down. I was
Speaker 3: torn apart, and I didn't move at all. And it
Speaker 3: wasn't until two weeks later that I had to go
Speaker 3: to hospital with like a massive UTI just from the damage.
Speaker 3: Otherwise I probably would have stayed there and rotted.
Speaker 2: So I.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I got to the hospital and I was hysterical,
Speaker 3: and she's like, just a UTI, Like we can fix it.
Speaker 3: There's medicine for it, will fix it, and not it hurts.
Speaker 3: I was like, nah, I think I've been raped. And
Speaker 3: then I lost it.
Speaker 2: It was the first time you kind of said it
Speaker 2: out loud.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's two weeks in that apartment with no food,
Speaker 3: just water and on my bed, just confused. I wasn't
Speaker 3: even crying. I wasn't I was like like numb. And
Speaker 3: then I got to the hospital and when I got
Speaker 3: there started having like a massive panic attack because I
Speaker 3: was like, yeah, they're gonna I don't know, need to
Speaker 3: know how it happened or something. And then so when
Speaker 3: I verbalized it, and then I lost it. And then
Speaker 3: since then I felt like my body was a thing
Speaker 3: for people to be entertained with or to use and
Speaker 3: throw out, like it doesn't mean anything to them, and
Speaker 3: I didn't honor my body at all. And then eventually,
Speaker 3: you know, there was a turning point where one bad
Speaker 3: behavior traumatized behavior turned into another. And then that's when
Speaker 3: I started like going, I don't I don't want to
Speaker 3: be that person anymore, but I don't know how to
Speaker 3: deal with anything that's going on in my mind. So
Speaker 3: if they think I'm ugly, and if they think I'm
Speaker 3: gross and undesirable, then not leave me alone and I
Speaker 3: won't have to give myself to them anymore. So I
Speaker 3: just started eating and that became my thing, and then
Speaker 3: I got to probably asside from like an eight ten
Speaker 3: to twelve. I met my partner and then it was
Speaker 3: good for a couple of years, and then he ended
Speaker 3: up ultimately put on a bit of extra weight. And
Speaker 3: I think also because I was like, how far can
Speaker 3: I push this? How far can I make myself undesirable
Speaker 3: and you will still love me? And it got to
Speaker 3: that point where he didn't want to be with me
Speaker 3: anymore because of the way I looked, And it just
Speaker 3: reaffirmed the thing that I thought is that I'll make
Speaker 3: myself safe. I'll make myself undesirable and I'll be safer.
Speaker 1: It's like that self sabotage because even afterwards, when maybe
Speaker 1: you fought, you recovered, but he did down, you still feel.
Speaker 2: Like worthless of how you.
Speaker 1: Felt with that incident, and then yeah, I'm guilty of
Speaker 1: that after what happened to me, Like someone good comes along,
Speaker 1: something good, and I go out my way like often
Speaker 1: not knowing in the moment to sabotage it because I
Speaker 1: still feel I'm not worthy of that person. And you said,
Speaker 1: like when that incident happened, you fought. If that ever
Speaker 1: happened to you, you're a fighter, but like no one
Speaker 1: knows unless you're in that situation. You know, I just
Speaker 1: paralyzed with fear and shock, and often it feels safer
Speaker 1: because like if you do try to fight or push,
Speaker 1: And this was kind of I spent a long time
Speaker 1: thinking about this after what happened to me, thinking why
Speaker 1: did I not like I articulated, no, I pushed, but
Speaker 1: then when they continued and then again it was like
Speaker 1: I just gave up. And then I spent so long
Speaker 1: thinking why did I do that? And it was like
Speaker 1: because it was like defeat, Like Okay, I've always felt
Speaker 1: this way, this person is now validated. Yep, this is
Speaker 1: how the world sees you. And from this point on,
Speaker 1: like this is that everyone's sees your.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and yeah, like oh, yeah.
Speaker 1: I hope you don't feel like when you look back,
Speaker 1: you still think you could have the more you could have.
Speaker 3: I did think that for a really long time. Trauma
Speaker 3: is not a linear healing like it. It is just
Speaker 3: stamped in your subconscious. So when something happens in your life,
Speaker 3: or if you have an argument or a breakup or
Speaker 3: a rejection on National TV, like it, it shocks you.
Speaker 3: It's not like, oh, that was so long ago, get
Speaker 3: over it. Oh you you've said you've healed, and now
Speaker 3: you're getting triggered, like have you actually healed? And but
Speaker 3: it's just like time collapses and it doesn't matter how
Speaker 3: long ago it was. It's like fresh, like it was
Speaker 3: like all those wounds are just you'll go right back.
Speaker 3: So yeah, for me, like the time frame between pulling
Speaker 3: myself back out of that mindset is getting like shorter
Speaker 3: and shorter, because sometimes I'd stay in it for months.
Speaker 3: Like if I got rejected by a guy again or
Speaker 3: he ghosted again, or and I went on a bad
Speaker 3: date and he looked me up and down and was
Speaker 3: swiping on Tinder, I was like, oh, that would take
Speaker 3: me months to recover from, like and I would be like,
Speaker 3: oh no, I'm not doing it, not doing but yeah,
Speaker 3: it just it doesn't matter time for trauma. Time is irrelevant.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's life log.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and only in the last couple of years actually,
Speaker 3: like I poured myself into work and setting up a
Speaker 3: business and gave everything to it because I'm like, I'm
Speaker 3: not going to fail at everything in life. I'm gonna
Speaker 3: have my good thing yep, to be proud of, you know.
Speaker 2: And then.
Speaker 3: COVID came along and I lost everything there too, and
Speaker 3: that's when I really started putting on a weight, a
Speaker 3: lot of weight. I was like, fuck, like I can't
Speaker 3: even I can't even do that, like and I know,
Speaker 3: and I did go to self blame there too, and
Speaker 3: my mom like she was like Katie, come on, girl,
Speaker 3: like it's a global pandemic. It's not your fault. And
Speaker 3: when I was liquidating the business, I was on the
Speaker 3: floor crying so much because I was like, oh, I
Speaker 3: gave everything to try and create something good in my
Speaker 3: life and like, not even that's working, Like I'm actually
Speaker 3: like a massive fucking failure and there was no evidence
Speaker 3: in my life of being successful. So I was Yeah,
Speaker 3: it was really really difficult. It was really difficult to
Speaker 3: then get myself out of that mentally and go, you
Speaker 3: know what I am. I am enough. I don't need accolades.
Speaker 3: I don't need a good body to be worthy. I
Speaker 3: don't need a ten out of ten face to be
Speaker 3: of value in the world. I don't need anything like
Speaker 3: I'm allowed to exist as I am with nothing and
Speaker 3: that's enough. So but I still binge eat like that
Speaker 3: would come up, and then i'd eat at night, I'd
Speaker 3: send myself off to sleep in a food coma. I
Speaker 3: would get stressed and I would turn to something sweet
Speaker 3: or something just that was my way of comforting myself.
Speaker 1: Anyone who's been through anything like you do, get stress
Speaker 1: s doublewhelming in those moments. It's so easy to revert
Speaker 1: back to your old ways. But then I suppose there's
Speaker 1: more time passes how long you stay there get short
Speaker 1: and s like I still do that, Like I still.
Speaker 2: If like after that guy a while ago, go see me.
Speaker 1: Then I start hooking up with random people again, and
Speaker 1: then my house wents like, Josh, what are you doing?
Speaker 1: You're just doing this because you said, I'm like, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: And then I'll talk to him and he'll be like,
Speaker 1: you know, remind me everything I've been through and he
Speaker 1: even said, don't do this experiment with this random man.
Speaker 1: And the other day when I was upset, he was like,
Speaker 1: well I told you, but like, you know, yeah, it
Speaker 1: goes back to that it's good to be open and
Speaker 1: have that support network, and it seems like what you've
Speaker 1: been through obviously that's so horrible back then, and it
Speaker 1: it doesn't make sense your reactions on the show, but
Speaker 1: you know, with that wider context, it well, it does,
Speaker 1: I suppose explain more because it's not just this mine
Speaker 1: you've known for five minutes, doesn't like yeah, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: actually like everything you've been for you to even get
Speaker 1: to that point. Yeah, especially in relation to body image
Speaker 1: and relationships. And then those two things went to that
Speaker 1: extreme in one day and then the country's watching and commentating,
Speaker 1: and but I'm glad that was.
Speaker 2: The catalyst who really break that cycle. As an add yeah,
Speaker 2: and then seeing the doctor yeah.
Speaker 1: And then you're like in a healthier lifestyle.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, And I think, like, you know, that was
Speaker 3: that was the point for me where I was like, no, like,
Speaker 3: I'm not waiting anymore for somebody to fill up that
Speaker 3: part of my life or to.
Speaker 1: See me when you did stop filming, and obviously that
Speaker 1: rejection was so raw, and then you go home and
Speaker 1: it's just you again, Like how a baud did it get?
Speaker 2: Then? Were you binge eating again? Did you shut people out?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I was really antisocial. I jumped straight back into work.
Speaker 3: I binge eat to get myself to sleep. I was
Speaker 3: sad and I was angry, and I was frustrated, and yeah,
Speaker 3: I yeah, I didn't know what the edit was going
Speaker 3: to be. So I still was telling myself like, you know,
Speaker 3: I'm strong in this and that I'm all good, like
Speaker 3: nothing to prove to anyone. Fuck getting married and that sucks.
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna be alone forever. But yeah, I slipped
Speaker 3: right back into old patterns and leading up to the
Speaker 3: wedding itself, I you know, I had so much to do.
Speaker 3: I was handing over my job, I was going dress
Speaker 3: shop and that and whatever, and yeah, it was then
Speaker 3: that happened, and then I like came back so quickly,
Speaker 3: and I just I just picked up the momentum and
Speaker 3: threw myself into work and just got as distracted as possible.
Speaker 3: Wasn't until I saw it play out where I was like, whoa,
Speaker 3: I've still got some work to do, and I Am
Speaker 3: not gonna jump up on the soapbox and preach about
Speaker 3: self love unless I'm actually feeling self love in all
Speaker 3: areas of my life, not just pick and choose. And
Speaker 3: that's why, like I went and got a body scan
Speaker 3: to just see like where I was at, because you know,
Speaker 3: looks can be deceiving. Some people can be really healthy
Speaker 3: but just hold their shape in different areas, and like
Speaker 3: different dress sizes can be still healthy on the inside.
Speaker 3: So I'm like, I'm just just gonna go have a
Speaker 3: peek at what's going on. And fah, I was shook
Speaker 3: with the scores, especially around like visceral fat, the fat
Speaker 3: around my organs, and I was like, yeah, I just
Speaker 3: I have like weight loss doctor, so I've been doing
Speaker 3: it all properly. And basically I was like, I'm one
Speaker 3: way street to an early grave and death is a
Speaker 3: very early death was with that lifestyle was a really
Speaker 3: really high possibility and I was like, no way. And
Speaker 3: so this is like the last frontier for me is
Speaker 3: going on this health journey and utilizing any form of
Speaker 3: science that will help me get there quickly. Because like
Speaker 3: I said, that visceral fat score like that's it was.
Speaker 3: It is was I haven't got another test yet. It
Speaker 3: was really dangerous to be that way, and I don't
Speaker 3: want to go anywhere. I don't want to be like
Speaker 3: one of those you know, mid early forties that is
Speaker 3: dying from a bloody heart attack and something that's preventable,
Speaker 3: like I've got two year old kvoodles to look after.
Speaker 2: Going anywhere.
Speaker 3: I can't be going anywhere.
Speaker 1: And then you've been because you know, people have been
Speaker 1: commons in and asking about your weight loss, which is
Speaker 1: like ongoing. Yeah yeah, and then is it one of
Speaker 1: those injections.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, so I've been doing I went to a
Speaker 3: weight loss doctor and I was like, this is everything
Speaker 3: I've been doing, and she knew, like the patterns that
Speaker 3: I've established were like binge eating and like overeating and whatnot.
Speaker 3: So she's bloody great and she's like, let's try this, Monjaro,
Speaker 3: because that'll get a handle over this pattern. You won't
Speaker 3: feel like your appetite will be suppressed, and you won't
Speaker 3: that won't be your go to anymore. So that took
Speaker 3: a lot of the pressure off and a lot of
Speaker 3: the overeating just away, which was so cool, Like I
Speaker 3: am pro science, I might get like, I know.
Speaker 2: Some people say, oh, that's a lazy way, but actually, yeah,
Speaker 2: if you've.
Speaker 1: Tried and stry wood and there's this thing being prescribed
Speaker 1: to here by your doctor, right, why would.
Speaker 2: You say no?
Speaker 3: Right exactly? And I think like a lot of people
Speaker 3: are really quick and easy, like it's easy for them
Speaker 3: to judge it, and I get it. But until you're
Speaker 3: walking in the person who's been struggling with weight for
Speaker 3: such a long time and is just then ready to
Speaker 3: like get rid of it and get to your goal
Speaker 3: more quickly and like have that physical you know, image
Speaker 3: that you've got striving towards for it to be there,
Speaker 3: because you just want to shed the stuff you've been
Speaker 3: carrying around for so long. You don't want it to
Speaker 3: take years. Like I was like, yeah, until you're walking
Speaker 3: in my shoes with the patterns and behaviors and context
Speaker 3: and everything that I've had to go through, Like, don't
Speaker 3: judge because it's so easy for you know, wellness folk
Speaker 3: and people who in the industry who are doing it
Speaker 3: for like ten years and they're genetically blessed and they've
Speaker 3: never had any trauma and they're you know, just like, oh,
Speaker 3: what you need to do is you know, eat healthy,
Speaker 3: sleep well, and move And I'm like, yeah, there's I
Speaker 3: know what else is easy this on? But yeah, so
Speaker 3: it's just yeah that it really is. It worked for me,
Speaker 3: but I felt really like, you know, it's calorie deficit.
Speaker 3: When you're not getting your calories in your lethargic, you
Speaker 3: feel kind of crappy. Like so I was wasting away
Speaker 3: losing weight, but weight also includes I've now learned muscle,
Speaker 3: And I was like no, like, I don't want to
Speaker 3: just shrible. I want to be like my best self
Speaker 3: and do all the right things and do this in
Speaker 3: the right way and not just waste everything. I want
Speaker 3: to get rid of the fat, be healthy and remain strong.
Speaker 3: Because I'm built like a Viking. I'm never going to
Speaker 3: be petite. I don't want to be petite. I want
Speaker 3: to be a powerhouse. I want to last forever. I
Speaker 3: want to be able to take all my groceries in
Speaker 3: with both hands in one trip when I'm eighty years old.
Speaker 2: Like, I think that's because.
Speaker 1: You said that you lose muscle with these like yeah,
Speaker 1: but then I suppose the thing because when people say, oh,
Speaker 1: people that take that are lazy, but you you have
Speaker 1: to find that balance of actually you still you can't
Speaker 1: just take that injection and then that's it. You still
Speaker 1: need to maintain a healthy life stay.
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, and yeah, the doctor did say to me like,
Speaker 3: oh now, this this has the habit or the symptom
Speaker 3: of you know, chewing up your muscles because that's how
Speaker 3: your body gets energy and and when you're not giving
Speaker 3: it calories, it's going to pull away from your muscles first.
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, okay, So she's like, make
Speaker 3: sure you have plenty of protein. It's like, don't know
Speaker 3: what that means, like potato chips. I was like, what
Speaker 3: does that even mean? And it was just like you
Speaker 3: get all this info and you're trying to figure it out.
Speaker 3: And yeah, I was fortunate enough to have a brand
Speaker 3: kind of reach out and offer me one of like
Speaker 3: a world first product to experiment with. We all know,
Speaker 3: like an experiment.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Like I always said, I've sat in this podcast,
Speaker 1: I think every week when it comes to the Castmum's
Speaker 1: post show, I say, take anything that it's offered if
Speaker 1: it aligns with you, because you know, this opportunity is
Speaker 1: not there forever.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, I felt like, you know, the the universe or
Speaker 3: whatever was just like quickly coming together. It was really
Speaker 3: fucking cool because I'm like, as soon as I switched
Speaker 3: my brain into like health is what I need to
Speaker 3: take care of, Like the pet came out, I'm doing
Speaker 3: like sessions with him three times a week. I'm doing
Speaker 3: like group classes. They came out of the woodwork too.
Speaker 3: And I've got like this protein powder thing that I'm
Speaker 3: doing every morning which makes all the symptoms of jarro
Speaker 3: just disappear.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: No, it's glow up one so and it's been awesome
Speaker 3: and I feel like amazing so and it's a combination
Speaker 3: of all the things. And I'm no, and I'm so
Speaker 3: excited to like see my scans again to see like,
Speaker 3: you know, I've still got like my strength, if not more.
Speaker 3: I feel great, and my visceral fat, like the dangerous
Speaker 3: stuff is going or in a healthy range, because it
Speaker 3: was like not in a healthy range. So it's gonna
Speaker 3: be really curious to see. But I can see differences,
Speaker 3: and I can feel differences, and I can feel like, yeah,
Speaker 3: this like excitement again for life.
Speaker 1: I bet you never fought back to your wedding day
Speaker 1: with that rejection and when everything was so raw, that
Speaker 1: eight nine months later you'd be here on this journey
Speaker 1: I know, able to speak about all this trauma, Yeah,
Speaker 1: which will help of us. And then even just like
Speaker 1: an ambassador of like a protein company.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how funny is that? I was just like great,
Speaker 3: the mean twelve months ago, sitting on the couch smashing
Speaker 3: a bag of potato chips, crying into a pillow is
Speaker 3: like now.
Speaker 2: Forever?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I mean I have a lot of love
Speaker 3: for my past selves and every version of it, because
Speaker 3: you know it, it's you've got to have compassion for
Speaker 3: the things that you've been through in the past. You
Speaker 3: just if you hate on yourself back then, or you
Speaker 3: judge yourself or you shape, it still shows a lot
Speaker 3: of like shame and yep not you don't give yourself
Speaker 3: enough love you understanding. And I guess writing your book
Speaker 3: too write like that would have been like a really
Speaker 3: because correct me if I'm wrong, But like what was that? Like?
Speaker 1: Like I was writing it there by days a diary.
Speaker 1: So it's just my way of like processing my thoughts.
Speaker 1: And this was mostly at a time when I wasn't
Speaker 1: speaking about these things. Your family are friends, so like
Speaker 1: while you're struggling, that was my only way of getting
Speaker 1: out of my head, and yeah, that was beneficial. And
Speaker 1: then I wrote most of that thinking no one would
Speaker 1: ever read it, and then.
Speaker 3: The bestseller like on amazonas like A day a day county.
Speaker 1: Serious but like, yeah, it was crazy. It's kind of
Speaker 1: similar to what you're doing now, Like it's too. I
Speaker 1: feel great when you can take what you've been through
Speaker 1: and those darkest times like if you know, well, actually,
Speaker 1: if now that can help someone and maybe it was
Speaker 1: not worth it, but at least it's a positive that's
Speaker 1: come out of it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, definitely, I'm going to read your book now because
Speaker 3: I didn't, like I haven't and I will because I'm
Speaker 3: just like I didn't realize it was a healing journey book.
Speaker 1: That's the confusing people figure it's me just talking about
Speaker 1: schragging people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I'm yeah, apologies. I will read it now
Speaker 3: because I think, Yeah, like you said before, we have
Speaker 3: like a bit in common. And obviously our traumas have
Speaker 3: expressed in different ways, and mine probably shifted from you know,
Speaker 3: a validation through physical affection to punishing myself through all
Speaker 3: those things. But yeah, so yeah, it's we're getting there.
Speaker 2: Well, I look forward to checking it with you in
Speaker 2: a few months.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Likewise, are you good though, like I'm good, committed
Speaker 3: in marriage now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we'll see see him after this.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Katie, thank you so much. Pleasure brother from
Speaker 3: another mother.