WEBVTT - Katie Shares Heartbreaking Past And Secret Battle (Full Interview, Trigger Warning) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:02.560 Hello, and welcome back to The Maths Funny Podcast with 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:05.680 Me Joshua Fox and trigger warning. Some of you may 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:09.040 find this episode uncomfortable to listen to as it covers 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:13.880 topics such as mental health, eating disorders, sexual assault and rape. 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:17.279 And as heavy as this episode does get, I think 0:00:17.320 --> 0:00:20.439 it is a very important conversation to have and to 0:00:20.600 --> 0:00:23.120 share on here. So last night, some of you may 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:25.400 have watched Katie on a Current Affair where she was 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:28.320 talking about her journey since married at First Sight and 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:31.480 how she's been focusing on her health, learning to love 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:35.479 herself and overcoming some very heartbreaking things from her past 0:00:35.960 --> 0:00:40.280 which she's never spoken about publicly until now. And that's 0:00:40.280 --> 0:00:43.760 because she's no longer ashamed of this, and she's realized 0:00:43.800 --> 0:00:47.800 that sharing this publicly won't just help her rid any 0:00:47.920 --> 0:00:50.519 last bit of shame that she's held on to for 0:00:50.600 --> 0:00:53.720 so long now, but it will also help other victims 0:00:53.720 --> 0:00:56.760 who have been through similar things feel less alone and 0:00:56.840 --> 0:01:00.160 ashamed of what happened to them. Since this season and 0:01:00.200 --> 0:01:03.360 started airing, I have got to know Katie privately and 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:06.160 have been aware of this personal journey she has been on, 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:09.160 and I also became aware of how that instant rejection 0:01:09.319 --> 0:01:10.240 from Tim. 0:01:10.080 --> 0:01:11.759 On her wedding day that we all. 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:15.840 Watched brought back so much trauma that none of us 0:01:15.920 --> 0:01:18.280 had any idea about, and none of us would have 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:19.880 any idea about because she's. 0:01:19.720 --> 0:01:21.000 Never shared this. 0:01:21.400 --> 0:01:24.440 And I remember as Katie's storyline played out, as much 0:01:24.480 --> 0:01:26.759 as we all felt sorry for her and wanted her 0:01:26.800 --> 0:01:29.759 to just find her dream man and have a happily 0:01:29.959 --> 0:01:33.800 ever after, there were also so many people saying things like, oh, 0:01:33.959 --> 0:01:36.200 stop crying, get over it. You've only known him a day, 0:01:36.240 --> 0:01:39.560 you know he's type who cares. Then this conversation will 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.880 give you all so much context as to why Katie 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:45.440 did become so emotional on the show, and this chat 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:48.680 will hopefully act as a reminder that we never really 0:01:48.720 --> 0:01:51.920 know what someone has been through or are going through, 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:54.200 so we should always maybe try just be a bit 0:01:54.240 --> 0:01:58.960 more kinder and sympathetic, which I know is easier said 0:01:59.000 --> 0:02:03.880 than done, especially and watching and judging reality television. And 0:02:03.960 --> 0:02:06.800 for anyone who has read my book or seen a 0:02:06.920 --> 0:02:10.080 recent video I did on my personal Instagram last week, 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:13.400 you will know that what happened to Katie, which she 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.360 shares in this episode, is something that once happened to 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:19.280 me too, and that's kind of why we wanted to 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:24.919 have this chat together. And just like Katie, after my incident, 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:28.600 I did blame myself. I was mad how I could 0:02:28.680 --> 0:02:33.160 let someone do something like that to me, and then 0:02:33.400 --> 0:02:37.200 I then spiraled. I developed bad habits, I self sabotaged 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:39.960 good things in my life. I pushed people away and 0:02:40.880 --> 0:02:43.760 it's been a journey for me to overcome that. And 0:02:44.040 --> 0:02:47.040 as much as I have and I acknowledge what happened 0:02:47.080 --> 0:02:51.520 and the bad things that happened afterwards, I haven't fully 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:56.360 overcome it because like tiny things can trigger the darkest moments, 0:02:56.560 --> 0:02:59.360 like often unbeknown to the person who may have brought 0:02:59.440 --> 0:03:02.240 everything back to the surface, which again, if anyone is 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:06.280 following the little series I'm doing with my current partner Stephanel, 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:10.040 that's kind of what happened between us, and I was 0:03:10.040 --> 0:03:12.639 pushing him away because he said something which brought back 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:14.760 all these things and then we spoke about that in 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.679 a clip, which was scary for me to put. 0:03:17.440 --> 0:03:17.919 That out there. 0:03:17.960 --> 0:03:21.760 But similar to Katie, I'm not ashamed and maybe if 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:25.480 more people had these conversations, people who have been for 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:29.400 it would feel less I don't know, blaming themselves I 0:03:29.440 --> 0:03:29.760 don't know. 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:30.720 Sorry I'm rambling now. 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:33.520 Before I played the chat out with Katie again, I 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:36.840 just want to say trigger warning. This does cover some 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:41.160 quite heavy and dark topics, so only listen if you 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:46.080 think you're able to. Hello Katie, Hi Josh, Welcome back 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:47.320 to the Maths for new podcast. 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:49.440 Thank you. Good to be here. As always. 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:52.160 You are, in my six years covering the show, the 0:03:52.200 --> 0:03:54.320 first Maths person to come into my house. 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:56.440 Yeah. 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:59.320 I feel very very honored. We're going to have a 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:02.200 safe chat, safe space, you know, peace and love. 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:04.160 Yeah, and that's why I wanted to do this here, 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:06.000 not the studio, because I know we're going to talk 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:10.160 about maybe some personal things, and yeah, it feels like. 0:04:10.520 --> 0:04:11.840 A nice space. 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:14.680 Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. It's so caring. 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:18.120 How have you been. 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:21.640 I've not seen you in a month now since the reunion. 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:27.640 Yeah, since yeah, the Daily Telegraph reunion, I. 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:32.680 Daily Mail. 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:36.960 Yeah, I've been. Well, I've been, you know, getting back 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:40.480 into the swing of things as you do. But alongside 0:04:40.600 --> 0:04:44.000 like all these realizations that I'm left with about myself 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:48.000 that I've not been confronted with before. So just navigating 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:51.960 that and trying to be gentle with myself and yeah, 0:04:52.040 --> 0:04:55.960 get get back into the momentum of normal life for 0:04:56.080 --> 0:04:57.880 the new normal, which. 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:00.560 Is all easier said than done, very much, so. 0:05:00.839 --> 0:05:04.120 Much easier said than done. So yeah, it's been it's 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:04.640 been good. 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:07.120 I don't know, I feel like I have a better 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:09.160 connection with you than the rest of the cast this year. 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:11.800 And I think it came down to remember a few 0:05:11.839 --> 0:05:14.320 weeks when you sent me that voice message for after 0:05:14.320 --> 0:05:16.400 the reunion and you were like, yeah, I saw there 0:05:16.440 --> 0:05:17.159 was something off of you. 0:05:17.200 --> 0:05:18.120 Yeah, bad energy. 0:05:18.160 --> 0:05:20.640 And then you did the saging burning thing. And then 0:05:20.680 --> 0:05:22.599 my mom was confused because I know she thought I 0:05:22.640 --> 0:05:29.040 was like, but I just thought that was so lovely. 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:31.840 And then for me, we all kind of fell in 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.560 love with you from the start. You're just a great personality, 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:38.000 great energy, and like we just wanted you to fine happiness. 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:40.000 I mean, remember I did the billboard. 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:45.120 Yes, oh my god, that was Honestly, that was the 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:48.240 best thing I've ever seen in my life out of 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:51.680 everything I've seen. I was like, oh my gosh, that 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:53.520 was gold. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:57.960 That's how passionate. I was like, the show, did you dirty? 0:05:58.160 --> 0:05:59.480 Yeah? 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:01.160 And then you know, at the time we all got 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:05.279 caught up with him just how we rejected you, and 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:08.279 that was cruel. And then I suppose the way we 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:10.680 as the fans, were like, well, bring it back, mixture 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.680 and do her a better match. But I suppose what 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:16.039 we didn't know is that there was like a lot 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:19.719 more attached to this storyline that nobody really knows. 0:06:19.560 --> 0:06:22.960 For you personally, right, yeah, I think that's yeah, definitely, 0:06:22.960 --> 0:06:25.880 the case with me and others is that you know, 0:06:25.920 --> 0:06:30.080 you're on your own math's journey and there's so many 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:34.480 layers to a storyline that you just don't get, and 0:06:34.920 --> 0:06:38.960 especially mine, I was, you know, really triggered, and the 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:44.520 rejection was just another kind of heavy thing to carry, 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:49.919 and it really it brought me to a turning point. 0:06:50.040 --> 0:06:56.320 And I could implode even further and internalize that even more, 0:06:57.200 --> 0:07:01.640 and or I could like use it as a catalyst 0:07:01.680 --> 0:07:05.640 to go in a very different direction. And I was ready. 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:08.279 I was done. That was the last time I'm ever 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:11.920 gonna let anyone make me feel bad about myself. 0:07:12.480 --> 0:07:13.000 That's great. 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:17.960 Yeah, And then it was I supposed the storyline was the 0:07:18.280 --> 0:07:22.239 rejection was he just looked at you your appearance. 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:23.080 Yeah, yeah. 0:07:23.360 --> 0:07:26.080 And then I suppose what we're going to talk about 0:07:26.400 --> 0:07:30.280 today is kind of how layered that is and how 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:33.160 much trauma is attached to that. People don't know. And 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:37.880 it's easy to on these shows. You know, he took 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:41.040 you up just appearance and went no, and then people 0:07:41.400 --> 0:07:43.560 could be dismissive to you, be like, oh, we'll get 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:45.240 over it. He didn't like you, but someone else will. 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:48.120 But actually you can't just do that. You can't just 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:49.840 shrug things off. 0:07:49.880 --> 0:07:53.560 And yeah, I suppose your struggle with. 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:56.720 Body image and your way and kind of insecurities around 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.600 that that's been with you for a long time now. 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:05.200 Yeah, absolutely, And I feel like the more traumatic things 0:08:05.320 --> 0:08:09.120 I go through that went through because I'm not doing 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:13.160 it anymore. The more trauma I kind of have in 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:16.560 my life, the more I comfort eat, or the more 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:20.640 I blame myself, or the more I carry that burden 0:08:20.800 --> 0:08:24.040 and don't know how to deal with that pain and anxiety. 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:27.040 So the only thing that and a pattern and a 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:30.680 habit that I have, probably from childhood, is that I 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:34.480 would turn to comfort food or turn to binge eating, 0:08:34.840 --> 0:08:40.719 because when I binge eat, binge ate, I would then 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:43.840 get sleepy, so like relax me and then you know, 0:08:43.960 --> 0:08:47.240 food comba myself and you know, so I just had 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:51.880 some really bad habits going on, but it was for survival. 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:54.800 It was just to get through the day and get through, 0:08:55.840 --> 0:08:58.080 you know, what was going on. And it's just like 0:08:58.400 --> 0:09:02.480 that's my way that I dealt with trauma and bad 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:08.520 things happening on a day to day or whatever scenario situations. 0:09:08.559 --> 0:09:14.840 So I feel like when I saw myself on MATHS, 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:18.960 and when I saw that the person that was supposed 0:09:19.000 --> 0:09:21.560 to love me for me and learn to get to 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:27.360 know me and who I am on the inside was 0:09:27.679 --> 0:09:31.960 just so dismissive based off five seconds of seeing me. 0:09:33.200 --> 0:09:37.000 It was really really difficult because I brought up so 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:43.440 much rejection and so much kind of getting you thrown 0:09:43.520 --> 0:09:47.560 out or treated like a piece of meat and like 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:51.520 something to be you know, discarded like ill to And 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:56.120 I'm so much more than my physical body, and I 0:09:56.200 --> 0:10:00.240 have so much love to give and so much you know, 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:04.079 beauty to bring into somebody's life emotionally, like I feel 0:10:04.080 --> 0:10:08.080 like I'm real wifey material, you know, and to be 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:16.040 so quickly tossed aside really carried with it so much, 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:22.720 so many triggers, because you know, in this just in 0:10:22.760 --> 0:10:27.400 this world alone, it's just shallow and gross, and but 0:10:27.440 --> 0:10:34.280 for me. I have a pretty dark past with relationship 0:10:34.360 --> 0:10:39.359 with regards to male interactions, where I have been reduced 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:43.439 to what I am physically, and I have been reduced 0:10:43.480 --> 0:10:47.280 to being a piece of meat to have their way 0:10:47.280 --> 0:10:50.600 with and then throw away like I didn't matter. And 0:10:52.400 --> 0:10:55.480 I felt that again. I felt everything just get ripped 0:10:55.559 --> 0:11:00.000 open again. But it was in front of so many people, 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:06.320 and it was Yeah, it was really really tricky, and 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:09.400 I like tried to hold myself together and I tried 0:11:09.440 --> 0:11:13.800 to you know, just be in my own headspace and 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:20.920 self self soothe as much as I could. And yeah, 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:23.080 I got out of there, and I and then I 0:11:23.120 --> 0:11:26.880 watched it back in particular, and I saw myself as 0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:31.280 somebody who hadn't yet healed, and I could see the 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:36.079 physical repercussions of my lifestyle, and I was like, no, 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:40.480 I'm not gonna let that keep happening to me. Nobody 0:11:40.880 --> 0:11:46.840 gets that power anymore. So, yeah, it's been a big turnaround, 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:50.880 but it's a lot of yeah triggers, and you know, 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:53.559 we all hold our trauma in different ways. 0:11:53.360 --> 0:11:56.120 Right, Yeah, And then as you say, you know, within 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.760 seconds he did just it was physical and like I 0:11:59.800 --> 0:12:03.400 can't even imagine, like how much it took you to 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:05.560 even get there on your wedding day and agree to that, 0:12:05.720 --> 0:12:08.640 knowing the level of scrutiny, and you know, if you've 0:12:08.679 --> 0:12:11.800 struggled with binge eating and body image, that you must 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:14.440 have got to a place where you felt, actually, I'm 0:12:14.480 --> 0:12:17.760 past that, I'm ready, like I'm ready for love. 0:12:17.800 --> 0:12:18.719 I love myself now. 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:23.520 And then like that, fuck, I can't imagine that. And 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:27.760 like when we saw you so emotional in those scenes afterwards, 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:29.960 and you know, some viewers will be like, well, he's 0:12:29.960 --> 0:12:30.679 not into you, so. 0:12:32.480 --> 0:12:38.120 Like some people wrote too that I saw you know, 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:41.280 oh so she's just such a pain, like crying all 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:44.440 the time, like oh, no, wonder she's not wanted or no, 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:47.640 wonder this, no wonder that. Oh she's just so emotional. 0:12:48.080 --> 0:12:50.520 And I was like, oh, I've only you knew. 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:55.319 Because that split second rejection from him broke about what 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:56.319 decades of. 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:00.560 Trauma rejection, Yeah, struggle. 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:04.800 Yeah, I finally got myself to a place in life 0:13:04.880 --> 0:13:07.280 where I really liked who I am, I really liked 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.240 how I was in the world. I liked the person 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:14.360 on the inside, and I was really proud of myself 0:13:14.440 --> 0:13:16.720 and all the struggles that I've been through and pulled 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:19.960 myself out of on my own. I feel like I 0:13:20.000 --> 0:13:25.400 really love who I am and then to have somebody 0:13:25.720 --> 0:13:30.240 like not even have a tiny glimpse of that, and 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:34.240 not only that, but also turn it or try to 0:13:34.240 --> 0:13:37.959 flip it to make me the bad person or make 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:41.360 me the person in the wrong, I was like, Oh, 0:13:42.320 --> 0:13:49.040 what is actually happening? Like so, yeah, I was obviously 0:13:49.480 --> 0:13:53.880 upset that this situation was playing out the way it was, 0:13:54.800 --> 0:13:58.199 but I did bounce back pretty quickly outside of things, 0:13:58.200 --> 0:14:02.160 and I did see what I needed to do for myself. Yeah, 0:14:02.320 --> 0:14:05.559 so I took action. It was speaking action. 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:09.560 Yeah, Like It's interesting for me because I think you 0:14:09.559 --> 0:14:12.080 can think you're recovered from things and you've healed in 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:14.559 your past them, but then all it takes is one 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:16.800 slight thing. And when you recently said that to me 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:19.200 that I see my energy was off that because I 0:14:20.040 --> 0:14:22.960 started seeing this person and then I held out until 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:25.000 I stayed over. I said, I don't want to rush 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:26.760 into that because I've made that mistake before. I and 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:29.560 sex for me is attached to like a lot of 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:31.440 trauma in the past and stuff. And then I was like, 0:14:31.480 --> 0:14:34.720 with this person now away and he was happy to 0:14:34.760 --> 0:14:37.600 do that and respectful, and then I finally stay over 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:42.320 and then he just ghosted me and like it is 0:14:42.360 --> 0:14:44.560 what it is. You know, we only met four times, 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:48.160 but like for me, it was like, actually, this time, 0:14:48.160 --> 0:14:52.360 I'm putting myself first and I'm being open and then 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:55.400 you know that slight thing then sends you spiraling. 0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:55.560 Back, doesn't that? 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:56.560 Yeah? 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.800 Again, People even my friends like, oh you barely n him. 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:01.160 Get over it. I was like nah. 0:15:01.240 --> 0:15:04.080 And then he texted me like maybe two weeks after that, 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:05.960 being like, hey, what's up, what's new? 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:06.880 Ill? 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:10.160 Yeah, and then my friend's like, don't even reply. Then 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:12.560 I was like, well okay. But then I sat in 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:13.840 it for a few days and I actually sent him 0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.040 a long reply like what's not You actually really hurt 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:18.080 me because I told you this, this and this and 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:22.000 then nothing and again it felt like you just discarded 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:24.840 me after what you had my body and had sex 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:27.960 with me, and then that's all I was. And then 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:32.880 even with my current partner, who I'm doing this stupid 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:37.040 experiment with, it's similar with him because he there was 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:40.440 one night near the start and he was wanting to 0:15:40.480 --> 0:15:43.200 have sex more than I did, and like you know, 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:44.880 with a partner, you do have to compromise a bit. 0:15:45.240 --> 0:15:47.760 Nothing's against your will, but you know it's it's a relationship. 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:50.520 And then I was like, I'm not really feeling it, 0:15:50.560 --> 0:15:53.600 and I just seen how his body language changed and 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:55.240 then he didn't mean anything bad. 0:15:55.320 --> 0:15:57.680 But we've spoke about it a lot since. But then 0:15:57.880 --> 0:15:58.840 it brought up. 0:16:00.240 --> 0:16:03.160 For me when there was a time I was I 0:16:03.200 --> 0:16:06.560 was sexually solid several years ago and like sex on 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:10.240 me is a bigger thing now. And then after that incident, 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:12.920 I suppose similar to what you said and how you 0:16:12.960 --> 0:16:17.560 will spiral and bingee and the comfort it was like 0:16:17.600 --> 0:16:20.480 for me after that incident, I just slect with so 0:16:20.560 --> 0:16:24.360 many people because it was like that person treated me 0:16:24.520 --> 0:16:28.280 how I felt everybody sees me, or how I'd always felt. 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:30.320 And then when that person did that to me it 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:34.280 was about three years ago. Now, after that, I spiraled 0:16:34.760 --> 0:16:39.480 like having more reckless sex and letting people just use 0:16:39.560 --> 0:16:41.200 me for my body because I thought that's all I 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:44.560 was worth. And then it goes back to even when 0:16:44.600 --> 0:16:46.600 I thought I was so healed from that, and then 0:16:47.000 --> 0:16:51.160 my current partner now that split second thing from him, 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:54.120 which he's like lovely, He hadn't there was no bad 0:16:54.120 --> 0:16:58.200 intent there but it it just makes you feel again, Oh, 0:16:58.440 --> 0:17:01.040 is this all I am to everybody? 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:08.320 Yeah? Oh yeah, it's yeah, yeah, I'm really sorry you 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:09.040 went through that. 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:11.960 That's that's okay. You know, we've all been through things. 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:15.359 But I think maybe the thing here is for everyone 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:19.840 to just be kinder or more open minded because so 0:17:19.880 --> 0:17:22.680 many people take things surface level. Again, you on the shower, 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:26.159 get over it. Stop crying like you but yeah, actually no, 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:29.080 when you know that the lifelong strugle to get to 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:31.080 that point, don't get over it. 0:17:31.240 --> 0:17:35.640 Yeah, actually be mud, be angry and cry. Yeah. 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:40.840 Yeah, yeah, we don't have to go into it. But 0:17:41.240 --> 0:17:44.879 is that something that happened three years ago to you 0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:49.000 that's quite fresh? Like what happened to me was when 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:51.440 I was twenty years old. It was a while ago. 0:17:51.520 --> 0:17:56.399 Now I'm thirty eight, and I still find things popping 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:01.600 up and triggering me and realizations about how I've internalized 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:06.440 that stuff. I did go through a similar thing too, 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:09.240 where I felt like all I was was somebody to 0:18:09.320 --> 0:18:13.280 be used and thrown out, like my body was for them. 0:18:13.480 --> 0:18:19.080 If they gave me attention, it meant validation, Like I 0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:22.679 wasn't For that moment, I wasn't worthless. 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:26.280 Yeah, yeah, exact. 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:32.480 Yeah, and then but after what happened is that it 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:34.560 is okay to share. What happened is it's a big head. 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:43.720 Now I'm come, I'm fine. We're all friends after the world. Yeah, 0:18:43.840 --> 0:18:47.320 I was three months away from turning twenty one and 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:52.639 I was saving up to open my second remedial massage clinic. 0:18:52.680 --> 0:18:55.600 I'd open one already, it was going really well, but 0:18:55.680 --> 0:18:58.800 I just wanted some extra coins speeded along. So I 0:18:58.800 --> 0:19:04.600 was working at night set a bar and then I 0:19:04.680 --> 0:19:07.399 was chatting to customers and he found out kind of 0:19:07.400 --> 0:19:10.439 where I lived, and that's normal conversation or where you're like, 0:19:10.520 --> 0:19:16.560 you know, just completely innocent. And then I was leaving 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:19.520 the shift and then I yea heard this person walk 0:19:19.600 --> 0:19:21.880 up behind me. I turn around and he's like, oh, 0:19:22.000 --> 0:19:24.120 my friends all got in a taxi. They all took off, 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:27.280 but they're going to a barney where you live. Can 0:19:27.320 --> 0:19:30.399 I get a lift? And I was like, oh yeah, sure, 0:19:30.520 --> 0:19:35.760 that's like no problem whatever whatever. And then on the 0:19:35.760 --> 0:19:39.960 way there, he convinced me to you know, come out 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:43.320 with him, and I was like, okay, like sure, I'm 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:47.520 so antisocial, like unless I'm getting like an invite, I 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:52.400 don't think to go out. So I was like, yeah, okay, cool, 0:19:52.400 --> 0:19:54.960 and he's like, oh, and we'll meet up with the 0:19:55.520 --> 0:19:57.480 guys and stuff and it will be fun. I was 0:19:57.480 --> 0:20:01.200 like okay, and I said, but I'm via beer all 0:20:01.240 --> 0:20:03.679 over me from the bar work. I'm like, I'll just 0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:05.920 go home and freshen up and then we'll go out. 0:20:06.160 --> 0:20:10.560 He's like, okay, cool, do that. And then I so 0:20:10.720 --> 0:20:14.520 I'll go home to my place and get ready, have 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.960 a shower, and he's just hanging out in the lounge 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:22.679 room whatever whatever we go out. He's really got no 0:20:24.320 --> 0:20:27.880 kind of urgency or to find his friends. And I 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:29.560 was like, I was like, where are your mates? Were 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:34.159 your mates? And something really started to kind of like 0:20:34.520 --> 0:20:38.160 go or you know that cold chill that you get 0:20:38.200 --> 0:20:42.080 where like something's up, like something's weird and so on. 0:20:42.160 --> 0:20:47.640 My kind of motivation to be out just started to go. 0:20:48.040 --> 0:20:50.520 And I was like, I'm going to go home like 0:20:51.119 --> 0:20:53.480 all the best. He's like, oh, let me, Oh, my 0:20:53.520 --> 0:20:56.359 friends aren't Oh they're not here anymore. My friends aren't 0:20:56.359 --> 0:21:01.520 here anymore. And it's like where he lived was like 0:21:01.560 --> 0:21:03.800 an hour away. He's Oh, would you mind if I 0:21:03.920 --> 0:21:05.960 crash on your couch? And I won't be a bother 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:10.600 blah blah blah. And I was like like, oh fine, 0:21:10.640 --> 0:21:14.560 because like I drove there, but I'd been drinking, had 0:21:14.560 --> 0:21:17.640 a few drinks at night, so I'm not driving anywhere. 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:20.879 I was like, yeah, so we've got taxi back to 0:21:21.000 --> 0:21:23.320 my place. And it's like you set you up on 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:26.640 the couch, put a pillow down, blanket, You're all set. 0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:32.320 And then I went got changed and it was like 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:35.119 night see you. Later came out to get a glass 0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:38.240 of water and he was in the kitchen sculling a 0:21:38.280 --> 0:21:42.439 bottle of wine that was unopened, like a full bottle 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:46.959 of wine, and my blood ran cold. And I was like, 0:21:47.160 --> 0:21:51.720 oh my god, just just extract yourself and go. And 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:56.080 then yeah, he ended up coming into the room and 0:21:56.080 --> 0:22:07.400 and yeah, yeah, anyway, I was like pinned down and paralyzed. 0:22:07.840 --> 0:22:11.960 I never I always thought like I'm fight off anyone. 0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:15.880 I'm a Viking woman, like I can escape. I can. 0:22:16.040 --> 0:22:18.199 I'm not gonna be one of those people that just, 0:22:18.800 --> 0:22:25.960 you know, give up. That's not me. I had no 0:22:26.040 --> 0:22:30.679 control over my body. I was pinned down. I was 0:22:31.640 --> 0:22:38.640 torn apart, and I didn't move at all. And it 0:22:38.680 --> 0:22:41.520 wasn't until two weeks later that I had to go 0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:46.520 to hospital with like a massive UTI just from the damage. 0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:50.520 Otherwise I probably would have stayed there and rotted. 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:53.280 So I. 0:22:54.720 --> 0:22:57.240 Yeah, I got to the hospital and I was hysterical, 0:22:57.280 --> 0:23:01.560 and she's like, just a UTI, Like we can fix it. 0:23:01.640 --> 0:23:03.960 There's medicine for it, will fix it, and not it hurts. 0:23:04.480 --> 0:23:09.439 I was like, nah, I think I've been raped. And 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:10.680 then I lost it. 0:23:11.359 --> 0:23:13.119 It was the first time you kind of said it 0:23:13.119 --> 0:23:13.560 out loud. 0:23:13.880 --> 0:23:19.040 Yeah, there's two weeks in that apartment with no food, 0:23:19.800 --> 0:23:25.760 just water and on my bed, just confused. I wasn't 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:32.040 even crying. I wasn't I was like like numb. And 0:23:32.080 --> 0:23:36.200