WEBVTT - 🔥 SPICY 🌶  | The Dirty Joke Off

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<v Speaker 1>We go get morning every day.

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<v Speaker 2>Lad, Welcome to the podcasts are really really special occasion

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<v Speaker 2>because something that really really tickles me in all the

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<v Speaker 2>right areas is the Monday Morning joke off. But what

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<v Speaker 2>happens with the Monday Morning joke off, just to really

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<v Speaker 2>peel back the curtains, is we put through a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of jokes to the big boy upstairs, and that is

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<v Speaker 2>Jesus Christ. Definitely not the Jesus because it'd say no

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<v Speaker 2>to all of them. Josh mccaby is our boss, and

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of them. He says, are you kidding you

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<v Speaker 2>absolute clown? Do you think that you could possibly say

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<v Speaker 2>that on the radio? You can't because you get at

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<v Speaker 2>least a written warning. And then we say, okay, better

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<v Speaker 2>save that for the podcast.

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<v Speaker 3>And here we are and here we are, we are.

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<v Speaker 1>Let's just all deliver our filthiest joke, can we? This is?

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<v Speaker 2>This is so news? Read to Abbey sweets with.

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<v Speaker 3>And I have a folder on Instagram and I've been

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<v Speaker 3>saving them into that and these I've sent a few

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<v Speaker 3>of them to our boss, Josh, and he is like,

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<v Speaker 3>if I could fire you, I would.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, please came in seized Abby's computer went through some

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<v Speaker 2>of these jokes, and a lot of them now have PTSD.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah. Yeah, they threw it back at me and said,

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<v Speaker 3>you're disgusting and we're not even going to bother locking

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<v Speaker 3>you up because it's just filthy, because.

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<v Speaker 2>You somehow find a way to break out. All right,

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<v Speaker 2>I'll kick us off if you don't mind. Sure, if

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<v Speaker 2>you go that little dirty jokes special shout out as

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<v Speaker 2>well to Toby from Newport from this one.

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<v Speaker 1>Google from Newport, Google.

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<v Speaker 2>Toby from Newport. It's one of the great, the all

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<v Speaker 2>time great stitch ups on radio. Yeah, it's happened. Happened

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<v Speaker 2>in Sydney. Kid got on there and we don't know

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<v Speaker 2>if it's actually real or not in terms of a

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<v Speaker 2>kid just pretending to be nice and young.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh wait, you're actually telling the Toby from Newport story.

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<v Speaker 2>The second one. The second one. Okay, So Toby from

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<v Speaker 2>Newport told this outrageous joke. It was so ridiculous, offended everybody,

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<v Speaker 2>and then no one heard from Toby from Newport for

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<v Speaker 2>years and years later caught up the same radio station

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<v Speaker 2>and claimed to beat the Toby from Newport, and his

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<v Speaker 2>joke went a little bit something like this. He said,

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<v Speaker 2>what's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil. And

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<v Speaker 2>they said, oh, I'm not sure, Toby, what is it?

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<v Speaker 2>And he said, well, I've never had a lentil on

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<v Speaker 2>my face. And the guys didn't even get it. They

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<v Speaker 2>went straight over their.

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<v Speaker 3>Heads, straight over your head first.

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<v Speaker 2>Didn't go over my head, all over it. I'll give

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<v Speaker 2>you one more joke. Here's one for what's the difference

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<v Speaker 2>between purple and pink?

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<v Speaker 1>What's the difference.

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<v Speaker 2>Of course the grip.

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<v Speaker 1>What I don't get it.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my gosh, I'm not man's playing that to you.

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<v Speaker 1>Jokes purple and pink's.

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<v Speaker 2>Extreme purple and pink, And think about if you grip

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<v Speaker 2>something really.

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<v Speaker 3>Hard, something shame.

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<v Speaker 2>I say that these are the jokes that we weren't

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<v Speaker 2>allowed to say.

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<v Speaker 3>If you think that's bad, though, you're going to boot

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<v Speaker 3>me out of here. Okay, do you want me to

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<v Speaker 3>go go next?

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<v Speaker 1>All right? So we're in a nunnery and the head

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<v Speaker 1>nun tells the two new nuns that they have to

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<v Speaker 1>paint their room without getting paint on their clothes. So

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<v Speaker 1>the one nun says to the other, hey, let's take

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<v Speaker 1>all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.

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<v Speaker 1>So they do this and begin painting the room. Naturally,

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<v Speaker 1>soon they hear and knock at the door, and they

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<v Speaker 1>ask who is it, and the guy yells out blind man.

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<v Speaker 1>And then the nuns look at each other, and then

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<v Speaker 1>one nun says he's blind, he can't see what could

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<v Speaker 1>it possibly hurt? So they let him in, and the

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<v Speaker 1>blind man walks in and says, hey, nice tits. Where

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<v Speaker 1>do you want me to hang the blinds?

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<v Speaker 3>Excellent? Excellent, that's I said the word.

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<v Speaker 1>Else you go, oh, okay, you want another one?

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 1>All right, okay. A farmer goes out and buys and

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<v Speaker 1>O we're on a farm now, so we've gone from

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<v Speaker 1>the nunnery into a farm. Yeah. A farmer goes out

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<v Speaker 1>and buys a new young rooster. As soon as he

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<v Speaker 1>brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and makes

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<v Speaker 1>love to all fifty of the farmer's hens. Oh it's

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<v Speaker 1>the podcast, I can say, screws screws all all one

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<v Speaker 1>fifty of the farmer's hens. The farmer is very impressed.

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<v Speaker 1>At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all the one

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<v Speaker 1>fifty hens. The farmer's just not as impressed anymore, but

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<v Speaker 1>he's a bit more worried. So the next morning, not

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<v Speaker 1>only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he's also

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<v Speaker 1>screwing the turkeys, the ducks, and even the cow. Oh

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<v Speaker 1>my gosh. Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard

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<v Speaker 1>and finds the rooster stretched out limp is a rag,

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<v Speaker 1>his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead. The farmer

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<v Speaker 1>runs out, looks down at the young rooster's limp body

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<v Speaker 1>and says, you deserved it, your ha a little bastard,

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<v Speaker 1>And the young rooster opens one eye, points up to

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<v Speaker 1>the vultures with a wink and sish they're about to land.

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<v Speaker 3>A little horny, devious, little rooster.

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<v Speaker 1>Rooster. That's what they used to go labs back in

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<v Speaker 1>the day, A little horny rooster.

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<v Speaker 3>Back in my time.

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<v Speaker 2>There, alright, spring us home, all right.

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<v Speaker 3>Mine a filthy and disgusting I cannot believe I'm going

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<v Speaker 3>to do this, but whatever, alright. First one, what does

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<v Speaker 3>a burnt pizza, pregnant woman, and frozen beer have in common?

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<v Speaker 3>On a burnt pizza, pregnant woman and a frozen beer

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<v Speaker 3>having common a person who didn't pull out in time?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my, all different examples. I don't get it though,

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah you probably get it.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah you probably wouldn't. You are Christian and you have,

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<v Speaker 3>you know, no funny times before marriage.

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<v Speaker 2>I've got three kids, a strike rate of three from three.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm a bit nervous now on a joke number.

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<v Speaker 3>Two, okay, number two, it's a little bit longer. A

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<v Speaker 3>young boy was out in the garden when a bee

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<v Speaker 3>landed on a plant. He knocked it off and stood

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<v Speaker 3>on it and killed it. The dad couldn't believe it.

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<v Speaker 3>He yielded him and said, no, honey for you for

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<v Speaker 3>a month. Same thing happens with a butterfly. The young

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<v Speaker 3>boy kills it and the dad says, oh, no butter

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<v Speaker 3>for you for a month. The whole family is then

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<v Speaker 3>sitting on the couch that night when mum jumps up

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<v Speaker 3>and kills a cock croach. A little boy says to

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<v Speaker 3>his dad, are you going to tell her? Or am I?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh dear, oh wow. Now I do have one final one,

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<v Speaker 3>because you know, it's the off air podcast Filthy and

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<v Speaker 3>this is absolutely disgusting and I can't believe I'm going

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<v Speaker 3>to do it, but I think it would be good

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<v Speaker 3>to finish on sure. Okay, that ready. It's a little

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<v Speaker 3>like riddle of a fable. Humpty dumpty sat on a bed,

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<v Speaker 3>little bo peep was giving him head. Oh my god,

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<v Speaker 3>just as he came she started to weep. She could

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<v Speaker 3>tell from the taste he'd been shagging a sheet.

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<v Speaker 1>Hang on, if she can tell that one, I can

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<v Speaker 1>probably tell this one.

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<v Speaker 3>You go on there, should try.

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<v Speaker 2>And out do yourselves your dirty.

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<v Speaker 1>We can always cut it out if it's too much,

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<v Speaker 1>all right. A little boy and his friends are being

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<v Speaker 1>called bastards and bitches by the bullies at school.

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<v Speaker 2>So the boy goes.

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<v Speaker 1>Home naturally and says, Dad, what are bastards and bitches?

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<v Speaker 1>And his dad replies, bitches are ladies and bastards a gentleman.

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<v Speaker 1>Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mum. As

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<v Speaker 1>he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle

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<v Speaker 1>and his mum says, shit, Mum, what is shit? And

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<v Speaker 1>she says it's perfume. Don't worry about it. So he

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<v Speaker 1>goes to see his dad, who's carving up a chicken,

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<v Speaker 1>and his dad cuts himself and he yells out, and

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<v Speaker 1>the boy asks dad what does mean? And Dad says preparing.

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<v Speaker 1>So then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later,

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<v Speaker 1>his mum and dad are about to do the deed

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<v Speaker 1>when his dad says, where are the condoms. The little

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<v Speaker 1>boy asks what are condoms, and his father says condoms

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<v Speaker 1>and coats and jackets. So the following night, his father

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<v Speaker 1>invites over some very important business clients, and the boy

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<v Speaker 1>opens the door for them and says, hello, please come in,

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<v Speaker 1>bastards and bitches, hang your condoms up there. My mom

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<v Speaker 1>is upstairs rubbing shit on her face, and my dad

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<v Speaker 1>is downstairs ing the chicken and canceled hello everything so on.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, dear brilliant guys, well done.