1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:02,840 Speaker 1: I've got a team. I hope you bloody terrific. One 2 00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:05,320 Speaker 1: of the things that I've spoken about on this show 3 00:00:05,519 --> 00:00:07,880 Speaker 1: a bit, but I've never done a podcast on I've 4 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,440 Speaker 1: never gone in depth. I don't know if it's going 5 00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,400 Speaker 1: to last five minutes or thirty five minutes, but I 6 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: thought it'd open the door. I have no script, it's 7 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: just me. I have no one to bounce it off. 8 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,640 Speaker 1: But the reason I want to talk to you about 9 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:26,520 Speaker 1: this is because it's it's really relevant. It's broadly relevant. 10 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:30,479 Speaker 1: And as we've spoken many times before about theory of mind, 11 00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:37,599 Speaker 1: understanding how other people think, and metacognition understanding thinking in general, 12 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,880 Speaker 1: meta perception, understanding how others see us, I think it's 13 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: really important that we understand people's behavior, past, present, and 14 00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:51,920 Speaker 1: likely future behavior in order for us to be able 15 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:57,520 Speaker 1: to self manage and self regulate emotionally and psychologically and 16 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:02,240 Speaker 1: practically so and maybe even self preserve and self protect. 17 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,240 Speaker 1: So one of the funny things that we humans do 18 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: is we expect people to be different, Like we expect 19 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: the person that hasn't been nice to us the last 20 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,560 Speaker 1: fifty seven times that they're going to be nice this time. 21 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,479 Speaker 1: Not all of us do this, but some of us 22 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:24,480 Speaker 1: do this we kind of for no logical reason. We 23 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:28,479 Speaker 1: expect that somebody will see the error of their ways, 24 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,360 Speaker 1: they'll be kind this time, they'll treat us better this time, 25 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: And we base our expectations of what's going to come 26 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: from the next interaction. We base it on more hope 27 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: and wish for thinking than we do any kind of 28 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: logic or science or data that we've been receiving over 29 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:53,640 Speaker 1: the last one, two, five, ten fifty one hundred interactions. 30 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,400 Speaker 1: So we know that we know that the best predictor 31 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: of future behavior is past. We know that we know 32 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 1: it's not the only one. There are other variables, there 33 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 1: are other factors, But overwhelmingly, if somebody's treated you like 34 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: an asshole the last hundred times and you expect them 35 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: to be nice to you today, then that is an 36 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: irrational expectation. This is not me trying to throw you 37 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,079 Speaker 1: under the bus or be critical. This is just logical, 38 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: isn't it. If we've got a certain result one hundred 39 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,320 Speaker 1: times in a row, and today is going to be 40 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 1: experiment number or interaction number one hundred and one, then 41 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,919 Speaker 1: we would be at the very best somewhat illogical to 42 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 1: suspect that today the person that hasn't treated us nicely 43 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:50,120 Speaker 1: or has been disrespectful or horrible or worse, that somehow 44 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:55,119 Speaker 1: today they will be magically nice because since our last interaction, 45 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,079 Speaker 1: they've had a spiritual awakening, they've found awareness, they've found 46 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,240 Speaker 1: Jesus or Mother Deity, and now they are on a 47 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,560 Speaker 1: path through righteousness, and they're back to rectify the damage 48 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,919 Speaker 1: they've done. And to see all of that's probably not likely. 49 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: It's possible, not probable. And of course people can change, 50 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: and of course my career and my passion is predicated 51 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,360 Speaker 1: on the idea that people can do better, be better, 52 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: think better. And of course of course they can. But 53 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:36,680 Speaker 1: generally that transition or that transformation doesn't happen instant instantly, 54 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:41,120 Speaker 1: And so we can we can do these two things. 55 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:50,200 Speaker 1: We can simultaneously support and encourage people to be better. 56 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 1: We can hope they get better, we can want them 57 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:57,200 Speaker 1: to get better. We can even still love them. I mean, 58 00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 1: how many parents love their kids hate what their kids 59 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,840 Speaker 1: are doing a certain behavior or a habit or something 60 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,160 Speaker 1: where they're you know, they're self destructing. They love them, 61 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: but they hate the use of the whatever it is 62 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 1: that habit or that behavior which that can the parent 63 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: considers to be damaging and harmful and toxic. Of course, 64 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:22,640 Speaker 1: so we can we can at the same time, we 65 00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,720 Speaker 1: can concurrently hope that somebody is going to treat us 66 00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 1: differently next time, while expecting that they probably won't. Right, 67 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: So these two things are possible to exist at the 68 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: same time in the same human and one of them 69 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,839 Speaker 1: is more an emotional driver. That is, I want I 70 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,119 Speaker 1: care about this person, I want them to be better. 71 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,280 Speaker 1: I love them, I have an emotional connection to them, 72 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: I wish good for them. But also when I am 73 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,760 Speaker 1: now coming back to me where I need to look 74 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:01,039 Speaker 1: after me, I need to you know that what is 75 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 1: likely to come as not something positive for me, It 76 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: might not be a great experience. Anyway, I was thinking 77 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 1: about this. I was thinking about all this, and I 78 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,720 Speaker 1: went into chatters to see if there was a name 79 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,640 Speaker 1: for this. This was the only bit of research, by 80 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,520 Speaker 1: the way, and I didn't know that there's a name. 81 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,280 Speaker 1: I don't know if this is broadly used. I've never 82 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 1: heard of it rope, so let's just take it with 83 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,080 Speaker 1: a grain of salt. But I thought it was interesting. 84 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,760 Speaker 1: So this is what I typed into when I say Chatters. 85 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:33,719 Speaker 1: Chat gpt I wrote, when we keep expecting people to 86 00:05:33,839 --> 00:05:37,360 Speaker 1: behave a certain way in brackets differently despite how they 87 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: typically behave their track record. Is there a name for 88 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: this misplaced expectation? And Chatters said to me, it said Harps, 89 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,839 Speaker 1: It said Cocker, It said nugget. It said, yes, Harps. 90 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:55,240 Speaker 1: This phenomenon is often referred to as the hopeful fallacy. 91 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: It can be linked to a cognitive bias such as 92 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: optim isn't bias or confirmation bias, depending on the context. 93 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 1: The hopeful fallacy is informally used to describe situations where 94 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:16,240 Speaker 1: we rationally expect someone to act differently despite a consistent 95 00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: track record to the contrary. This is rooted in our 96 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 1: desire to believe people can improve or change, even without 97 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:29,360 Speaker 1: evidence to support that belief. And so that is interesting, 98 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: isn't it? That is interesting? So we know, we know 99 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: that people can change and evolve, but we also know 100 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:43,680 Speaker 1: on a really practical operational level that whatever we've got 101 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,839 Speaker 1: now by the way, it could be something positive it 102 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be negative, or it could be something 103 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,080 Speaker 1: it could be a habit or a trait or a 104 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:54,960 Speaker 1: behavior in a certain person that's not particularly positive or negative, 105 00:06:55,440 --> 00:07:01,240 Speaker 1: that's just them. So, for example, I know how my 106 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,479 Speaker 1: dad works. I've spoken about my dad a bit, my 107 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,960 Speaker 1: eighty five year old dad, I know. I know how 108 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 1: he works, and I know the kinds of compliments he 109 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,360 Speaker 1: might give or might not give, or the kind of 110 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,640 Speaker 1: things that he'll be interested in. I know the way 111 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: that my dad will talk to me and treat me. 112 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: And there's no good or bad in this. I just 113 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: know how he's going to be. So when I meet 114 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 1: with my dad on the weekend, which I'm gonna and 115 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: I walk in the door, based on thousands of interactions 116 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:40,120 Speaker 1: over decades of being his bloody kid, I know what 117 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 1: is almost absolutely guaranteed to transpire. Now that's not because 118 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,360 Speaker 1: my dad's bad and I'm good. That's just because the 119 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I know 120 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,600 Speaker 1: that my dad's not going to go fuck, it's great 121 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,120 Speaker 1: to see you give me a hug. I know that 122 00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:00,920 Speaker 1: because he's never done that. And that's okay. That's just 123 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: so if I went in every time, and by the way, 124 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,520 Speaker 1: I give my a man a hug and tell him 125 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,960 Speaker 1: I love him and all of that, and he's a 126 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: bit clunky emotionally, and he's the old guy, and we 127 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,120 Speaker 1: get all that he's amazing, but he's not like me. 128 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: He's not better or worse. He's different. So I don't 129 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:19,680 Speaker 1: expect my dad to be like me. And when I 130 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,360 Speaker 1: expect my dad to be like me were one problems 131 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: arise too. I'm operating an ego, and also being like 132 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: me is not necessarily a good thing or a better thing, 133 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,280 Speaker 1: by the way, of course, but it's also an irrational 134 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,320 Speaker 1: expectation for him to be like I think he should be. 135 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:43,800 Speaker 1: But nonetheless, we humans, we create our own frustration and 136 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:49,280 Speaker 1: disappointment because we expect people who have behaved a certain 137 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: way for a very long time to be different magically 138 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 1: and mysteriously the next time, if not the next time, 139 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:06,079 Speaker 1: then very soon. So understanding how people will most likely behave, 140 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: or act or react in all kinds of situations is 141 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 1: a social skill. It's a kind of a social intelligence. 142 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:24,480 Speaker 1: Knowing how people will be talk, communicate, connect, act, react, 143 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: respond in conflict or in negotiation or in the middle 144 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:35,080 Speaker 1: of a problem solving kind of situation, or how they 145 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 1: might be socially versus how they might be one on one, 146 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,840 Speaker 1: how they might be at work, versus how they might 147 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:46,440 Speaker 1: be in a group of friends, understanding how people are, 148 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: understanding how people have been, understanding how they think, and 149 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:58,240 Speaker 1: also being conscious of their track record, good or bad. 150 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: The history that you you two have, the history of interactions, 151 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:09,320 Speaker 1: the history of conversations, the history of experiences that you 152 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,959 Speaker 1: two have, is going to be the best predictor moving 153 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 1: forward for you in terms of what is likely if 154 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: I'm being honest, and I try to be honest all 155 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: the time. If I'm being honest, There've been lots of 156 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:25,319 Speaker 1: times over the years where people's words and people's behavior 157 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 1: have told me, in inverted commas, two different things. So 158 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:33,800 Speaker 1: there were people that would consist, and these were people 159 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 1: that I really cared about, where I kind of knew 160 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,560 Speaker 1: deep down, like I knew like they'd done some things 161 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,520 Speaker 1: that were that kind of showed me on a level 162 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:50,520 Speaker 1: they weren't trustworthy, they didn't necessarily have the same values 163 00:10:50,559 --> 00:10:55,400 Speaker 1: as me, they couldn't be relied on, and so on. 164 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:57,760 Speaker 1: And by the way, I'm not the high watermark of 165 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: human potential and being the best person either, but just 166 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,720 Speaker 1: people that had taught me over time through their behaviors 167 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 1: more than their words, what I should expect moving forward. 168 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:17,400 Speaker 1: But Nonetheless, I constantly found the reason to think that 169 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:23,440 Speaker 1: the dynamics and the interactions and the outcomes of that 170 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: relationship would magically be better because I wanted it to 171 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,120 Speaker 1: be better. I wanted them to be better. I wanted 172 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: us to be better. I wanted a healthier relationship. I 173 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:39,280 Speaker 1: cared about them, and I cared about my relationship with them, 174 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: And despite my understanding and awareness of how humans work, 175 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:51,120 Speaker 1: my emotions overrode that logic, and I created my own 176 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,800 Speaker 1: devastation and disappointment for far too long because I kept 177 00:11:55,880 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 1: expecting people who had absolutely told me in inverted commas 178 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,400 Speaker 1: who they were and how they were. I expected them 179 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: to somehow be different one day, And clearly you know 180 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:14,360 Speaker 1: it was me creating the problem in that sense. So 181 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 1: you and I have this capacity to be able to 182 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:22,080 Speaker 1: believe in someone's potential, believe in their potential good and 183 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 1: their possibilities, while still practically managing our expectations and also 184 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: holding space. Oh that's an overused term these days, isn't 185 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:41,480 Speaker 1: it Holding space for somebody's growth, somebody's development, somebody's awakening. 186 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,280 Speaker 1: Holding space for them in that way doesn't mean that 187 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: you need to tolerate poor behavior indefinitely. If somebody treats 188 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 1: you poorly, you're not obligated to keep giving them chances. 189 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,960 Speaker 1: There needs to be I believe, this is my belie 190 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: my thought. There needs to be evidence of change or 191 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,679 Speaker 1: evidence of people really being willing to do the work. 192 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 1: If somebody is genuinely trying, I mean genuinely trying, I'm 193 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,400 Speaker 1: in even if they're not producing good outcomes, even if 194 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: they're a dick sometimes and I'm a dick sometimes, But 195 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,920 Speaker 1: if they're genuinely trying to do the right thing, and 196 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 1: they're really working to be better, think better, do better, 197 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,320 Speaker 1: be a better friend, be a better business partner, be 198 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 1: a better romantic partner, whatever it is. If that person's 199 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,920 Speaker 1: genuinely doing the work and trying to do the work, 200 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,800 Speaker 1: then I'm I'm supportive. Obviously, I can't take bullshit forever 201 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:43,080 Speaker 1: and definitely, but if somebody is taking the pissa, they're 202 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,240 Speaker 1: telling you one thing but doing another, or every time 203 00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 1: that they're showing up and every time that there's an 204 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:56,199 Speaker 1: interaction there's some kind of problem, then that is potentially 205 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,080 Speaker 1: a sign that you might need to create some distance 206 00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:04,160 Speaker 1: between you and that person. People who are repeatedly demonstrating 207 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:09,760 Speaker 1: hurtful or hateful behavior while saying that, while while saying 208 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,960 Speaker 1: something else, like what is coming out of their mouth 209 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,600 Speaker 1: is not actually consistent with or representative of what they're 210 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:19,480 Speaker 1: actually doing, and you realize this person and sometimes these 211 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:23,560 Speaker 1: people are narcissists or sociopaths that's a different conversation, or 212 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:27,840 Speaker 1: gas sliders. We know all of those terms. But over time, 213 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: you know, not everyone who calls themselves a friend to 214 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 1: you is going to be a friend, and not everybody 215 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,520 Speaker 1: that you think is trustworthy or not everybody that you 216 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,960 Speaker 1: think shares the same or similar values as you and 217 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,960 Speaker 1: I think we don't all have to have identical values 218 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:46,200 Speaker 1: or identical beliefs or ideas, of course, but probably it's 219 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 1: an idea that we have someone who's in the ballpark 220 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: of having similar values to us. And so there are 221 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: times when we might just need to walk away. We 222 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: might need to walk away forever, or we might need 223 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: to walk away for a while. So as you move 224 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 1: forward over the next day or week, or month or 225 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: a year, keep in mind that even though you might 226 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,280 Speaker 1: love these people, I'm not saying you need to ditch 227 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,880 Speaker 1: them or burn them, or disregard them or throw them 228 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: on the sociological heap, but you might You might be 229 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: wise to keep in mind that what they've been in 230 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,760 Speaker 1: the past is not absolutely definite, but it's likely what 231 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: they're going to be in the future. We know that 232 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,800 Speaker 1: the best predictor of future indicator is past behavior, so 233 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 1: we know that statistically, how he or she has been 234 00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 1: in the last ten, twenty thirty times is statistically how 235 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,640 Speaker 1: they will most likely be moving forward. We need to 236 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,920 Speaker 1: love people. I think we need to be patient and 237 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,960 Speaker 1: kind and tolerance, but also we don't need to be 238 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 1: emotional doormats. There's a big difference between allowing ourselves to 239 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:57,760 Speaker 1: be used and abused and being kind. They are not 240 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,720 Speaker 1: the same things. You can be kind, you can be resilient, 241 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 1: you can be empathetic, you can be aware, and you 242 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,600 Speaker 1: can also tell people to fuck off, because sometimes that's 243 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,320 Speaker 1: what's needed.