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Speaker 1: Apologie production. I need your advice. Are you okay what happened?

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Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome

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Speaker 1: to our bestie segment. Girl, my girl, this is the

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Speaker 1: place for you.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises with your

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Speaker 2: favorite co host Ashley and Tiana.

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Speaker 1: We've got another bestie segment. Will you guys write in

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Speaker 1: your anonymous submissions? Sticky situations, stories or something that you

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Speaker 1: just want an outside perspective. Maybe it's something really private

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Speaker 1: and you don't want everyone knowing your business, so you

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Speaker 1: haven't told your friends and family, but you're feeling really

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Speaker 1: lonely in it. This is where we will give you

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Speaker 1: our unfiltered, raw, honest advice, just as we would together

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Speaker 1: as best friends. Yeah, so sit back, relax, and get comfy,

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Speaker 1: and let's get straight into it. Take it away, all right.

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Speaker 1: Today's submission is as I'm writing this, it seems more

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Speaker 1: real and like I'm saying it out loud. I never

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Speaker 1: thought I would be one of those women coming in

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Speaker 1: here to ask or say this. My partner and I

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Speaker 1: have been together for five years. In the past two years,

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Speaker 1: I found myself questioning whether he is the one I

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Speaker 1: think after listening to this podcast and having people ask

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Speaker 1: me if I will marry him, it got me thinking

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Speaker 1: he's my first partner. He is kind, patient, caring, and funny.

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Speaker 1: He loves me for me. Honestly, I don't think I

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Speaker 1: could ever be with a guy who has such good traits.

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Speaker 1: But he sometimes just annoys me so much, and some

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Speaker 1: days I'm like, oh do I want that? Like Sometimes

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Speaker 1: emotionally the conversations are so silly, although we can still

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Speaker 1: go deep, I find when he has a couple of

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Speaker 1: beers he just raves on and on and it really

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Speaker 1: annoys me. He was a heavy bonk smoker for seven

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Speaker 1: years and has finally stopped, which I'm so thankful for

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Speaker 1: because when he did that. When he did smoke, he

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Speaker 1: was so dopey and I just would get so annoyed.

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Speaker 1: So he quit due to starting a new job. But

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Speaker 1: after work he has three to four beers of an AVO,

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Speaker 1: gets tired and raves in silly and I find myself

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Speaker 1: going to bed annoyed most nights. I can't pinpoint sometimes

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Speaker 1: why I question if I want to marry him. I

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Speaker 1: think maybe the drugs and alcohol annoyed me too much

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Speaker 1: when we first got together. He didn't have much money,

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Speaker 1: and now he's gotten a great job that I applied

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Speaker 1: for and does have some savings. Now he's quit smoking,

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Speaker 1: so he's listening and doing all the things for me.

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Speaker 1: But when I'm alone in my thoughts or listening to

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Speaker 1: this relationship podcast, I'm like, hmm, but is he for me?

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Speaker 1: Do you have any tips or tricks? I feel like

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Speaker 1: I could never leave him, and the thought of that

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Speaker 1: actually makes me sick. But sometimes when he annoys me,

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Speaker 1: I think, for fuck's sake, I could leave now and

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Speaker 1: not even feel sad about it. But I say that

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Speaker 1: in the moment. But now I've been living together for

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Speaker 1: a year and I love our life, our adventures and

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Speaker 1: all of our special interests, and I'm happy. But sometimes

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Speaker 1: I think too much. And if there wasn't his pressure

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Speaker 1: from the outsiders, I don't think I would think about

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Speaker 1: it too much, or would I. He never gets angry

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Speaker 1: at me, he loves my body, he's respectful. What do

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Speaker 1: you think if I'm questioning it? Does that mean I

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Speaker 1: know he's not the one? But today, after he got

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Speaker 1: me flowers for having a tough week at work, I thought, yes,

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Speaker 1: I could marry him. Don't need to do some work

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Speaker 1: around negative self talk and self sabotage. Ah, tell me,

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Speaker 1: Like I said, if I was to leave, I don't

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Speaker 1: think I could. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

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Speaker 1: And genuinely, I don't think I can not see him

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Speaker 1: in my life. That's a big one. It is a

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Speaker 1: big one. I think alcohol is a big problem in

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Speaker 1: this dynamic. If he didn't drink, she wouldn't be getting

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Speaker 1: annoyed and triggered, and he would just be his authentic self.

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Speaker 1: When he's drinking, it's like that alter eo comes out

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Speaker 1: and it just turns silly in like this little little

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Speaker 1: boy energy.

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Speaker 2: And sometimes when someone's choosing something, you can't isolate that

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Speaker 2: one thing because it's like, well, they're choosing to do

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Speaker 2: that behavior, which impacts how they show up in the

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Speaker 2: entire relationship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and I'm curious. Have you spoken to him about

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Speaker 1: how you feel when he drinks, because there's nothing in

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Speaker 1: there that you like. He gave up the bongs, but

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Speaker 1: now he's replaced out the drinking. Have you said, when

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Speaker 1: you drink it makes me feel xyz. Then I feel disconnected,

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Speaker 1: Then I'm annoyed. Then I don't want to have sex

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Speaker 1: with you. Like it's this role on effect. Is that

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Speaker 1: a conversation that you've had and if not, I would

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Speaker 1: be having that and see if he's willing to maybe

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Speaker 1: give up the alcohol as well and see if that

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Speaker 1: improves your relationship, your dynamic, and your connection. Then you

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Speaker 1: could see more clearly.

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Speaker 2: It's important to have that conversation as well around what

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Speaker 2: your standards and boundaries are within the relationship because if

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Speaker 2: you are kind of just like letting it happen and

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Speaker 2: you're building resentment behind closed doors, naturally a relationship isn't

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Speaker 2: going to end up quite strong in the way that

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Speaker 2: you want it to. Ye, you know, because you're going

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Speaker 2: to be resentful for him for doing something that he

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Speaker 2: doesn't even know that you're upset about.

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Speaker 1: Literally.

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Speaker 2: But then if you voice your standards and boundaries, Hey,

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Speaker 2: this is like a non negotiable for me in this

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Speaker 2: relationship that in order to stay connected, feel connected, trust you,

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Speaker 2: love you, and to be able to build something together,

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Speaker 2: then it's going to require this this and this is

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Speaker 2: actually not what I see as a part of my

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Speaker 2: future for me and my relationship. Yeah, I think that's

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Speaker 2: important conversation I have.

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Speaker 1: Definitely the end, He's not a mind reader if you

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Speaker 1: communicated with him how that are call is making you feel,

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Speaker 1: and how he behaves, and just because he's not abusive

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Speaker 1: or angry or anything like that, it can still not

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Speaker 1: be aligned with you if it's affecting your connection and

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Speaker 1: how you feel day to day. And this isn't just

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Speaker 1: on a Friday night, Yeah, this is like every single day.

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Speaker 1: So maybe that's the conversation of like, hey, if you

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Speaker 1: want to have a couple of drinks, maybe go with

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Speaker 1: the boys and have some fun, but like day to day,

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Speaker 1: the kind of life I want to live is like this.

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Speaker 2: And the deeper question that I would ask is like,

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Speaker 2: is it the surface level thing of the drinking in

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Speaker 2: the bongs or is it like something deeper?

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Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: Like, is that the surface level thing? Is that the

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Speaker 2: thing that really annoys you and you genuinely feel like

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Speaker 2: I'm solid in this relationship or is that the surface

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Speaker 2: level thing that triggers you and annoys you because you're

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Speaker 2: like one hundred percent not in it. Just because you

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Speaker 2: question something doesn't mean they're not the right one. We

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Speaker 2: all have doubts about everything that we do, but that's

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Speaker 2: only something that you know and feel when you listen

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Speaker 2: to that inner pool because like your internal compass will

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Speaker 2: tell you whether this is your person or not. And

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Speaker 2: sometimes we can look at the little things on top

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Speaker 2: and be like, oh, it's annoying and this and that,

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Speaker 2: but yeah.

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Speaker 1: Deeper, Yeah, is it something deeper? The one comment, I

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Speaker 1: could be reading into this so much, but how she

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Speaker 1: said he's my first partner. Is there a little bit

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Speaker 1: of like, oh, do I know what I want? Do

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Speaker 1: I want to explore? I don't know. There could be

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Speaker 1: something in that, But I also could be reading into it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: like have I lived? Yeah, Like I'm so glad I've

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Speaker 1: had a couple of different partners in different relationships to

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Speaker 1: really know what I like, what I don't like and

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Speaker 1: or feels good. Whereas for her, she's got no comparison.

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Speaker 1: Not that you want to compay your partners, No, one

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Speaker 1: hundred percent.

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Speaker 2: Though she doesn't have any context, there's no she's never

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Speaker 2: had any other experience outside of what she's experiencing now.

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Speaker 1: And not to say that there's nothing.

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Speaker 2: Wrong with that.

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Speaker 1: He sounds like a beautiful man. Yeah, to give up

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Speaker 1: the bongs, He buys the flowers after a tough week.

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Speaker 1: He listens, He respects her, he loves her, he's kind,

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Speaker 1: he's funny, like it sounds like he's got a lot

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Speaker 1: of beautiful traits, which she acknowledged and said. The fact

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Speaker 1: she said if he was to leave, or if I

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Speaker 1: was to go, like it makes me feel sick. I

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Speaker 1: think that really shows how much she cares for him.

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Speaker 1: When a girl is not feeling and she's numbed out,

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Speaker 1: she's gone, she's gone six months ago.

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Speaker 2: But then it's conflicting as well, because she also said

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Speaker 2: I could leave and I wouldn't feel that.

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Speaker 1: That's in the moment. I remember how we always say

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Speaker 1: you can feel something in the moment, it doesn't have

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Speaker 1: to mean anything. Yeah, that's true. I think in the

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Speaker 1: moment where she's triggered by the alcohol and it's being annoying,

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Speaker 1: I get annoying people to drink around me. It's like, ah,

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Speaker 1: it's not the same person. That's true, you know. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: especially when you're not a drinker yourself, you're really on

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Speaker 1: a different vibration, You're on a different wavelength, you're on

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Speaker 1: a different energy.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think that's hard though as well.

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Speaker 2: Though who they are when they're drinking also comes into

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Speaker 2: everyday life.

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Speaker 1: Yes and no, though I feel like some people are

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Speaker 1: just so different when they drink, but day to day

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Speaker 1: they're incredible. I see it quite separated, actually, but then

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Speaker 1: how you do anything is how you do everything.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I see how when they're so good like this,

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Speaker 2: but then that twenty percent kind of hinders the eighty

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Speaker 2: percent where they're good because you're like, well, yeah, this

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Speaker 2: is amazing this much. But then you're also doing this

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Speaker 2: as well, and then it kind of impacts trust, and

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Speaker 2: then it impacts connection. Then it impacts the good things

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Speaker 2: and all the good traits and if that becomes your

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Speaker 2: main focus. And she's frustrated right now because it is

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Speaker 2: the thing that's annoying her the most, she's not really

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Speaker 2: able to see all the good stuff as much.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it sounds amazing, like you can have

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Speaker 1: this conversation with He's proven he can give off on

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Speaker 1: something he's addicted to out the bombs, so it's more

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Speaker 1: than capable. I'd be having that conversation around like a row,

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Speaker 1: Like I didn't think this is bothering me that much,

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Speaker 1: but it really is. And I just don't feel like

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Speaker 1: it's aligned with me. And when you do drink, I

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Speaker 1: don't feel as connected and I kind of find myself

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Speaker 1: pulling away and being annoyed, and I don't want that

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Speaker 1: disconnection between us. Is this something that you'd be willing

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Speaker 1: to try for three months of not drinking and we

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Speaker 1: see if it improves how I'm feeling in our relationships

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Speaker 1: because you're so important to me. I want this to work,

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Speaker 1: but I can't see this working long term. If we

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Speaker 1: were to continue like this.

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Speaker 2: That's a beautiful way to look, you know, yeah, that's

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Speaker 2: a beautiful I reassure him.

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Speaker 1: That you're not leaving, like I want to stay here.

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Speaker 1: I want to be here. But if I think about

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Speaker 1: myself in five years, I don't think I could keep

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Speaker 1: being annoyed at you every time you drink. It's going

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Speaker 1: to wear thin over time. You're like put up with

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Speaker 1: it so much it's like a boiling kettle like gets

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Speaker 1: hotter and hotter, and then the lid comes off and

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Speaker 1: it's like, oh yeah, I'm done.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and even getting clear on what your relationship in

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Speaker 2: five years time you want it to look, like show

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Speaker 2: him the vision of what that looks like for you both,

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Speaker 2: and like what actually said, Like it's really beautiful that

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Speaker 2: he has a lot of evidence that he can overcome

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Speaker 2: and he's willing.

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Speaker 1: I think that's a good thing too.

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Speaker 2: Is really you can ask for a human Yeah, willing

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Speaker 2: to grow, willing to change, willing to overcome, like the addictions,

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Speaker 2: like what you were saying. So that's a really good sign.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think it's important to like kind of check all

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Speaker 2: the boxes first and make sure you've tried everything before

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Speaker 2: you kind of go into the all do I want

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Speaker 2: to leave things? Yeah? In terms of the self sabotage thing,

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Speaker 2: it doesn't necessarily have to be self sabotaged. You could

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Speaker 2: just be conflicted and that's okay. It doesn't mean that

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Speaker 2: you're self sabotaging. It means that there is something that

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Speaker 2: your body and mind is trying to tell you that

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Speaker 2: doesn't actually sit well with you. And that's something to

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Speaker 2: pay attention to, not something to fear.

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Speaker 1: No, that's so true. But would love an update. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: give us an update if you're listening, go have that conversation. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: how you feel. Put some timelines in, like, hey, can

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Speaker 1: we just try this for three months yeap and see

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Speaker 1: how it feels like a trial and error. But if

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Speaker 1: he's willing, that's beautiful and he sounds like an amazing man,

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Speaker 1: and it sounds like you really care for him, So

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Speaker 1: I think this is worth trying anything for. I just

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Speaker 1: think you never want to walk away from a relationship

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Speaker 1: until you've tried absolutely everything. Yeah, are one hundred percent

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Speaker 1: clear that there's no other option. I would never leave

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Speaker 1: relationship until I've explored every avenue. Yeah, So then when

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Speaker 1: you walk away, there's no wondering, there's no regret, there's

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Speaker 1: no what ifs. It's like I can confidently walk away

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Speaker 1: knowing I tried everything and that chapter had to be closed.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. It's really important to get to your point because

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Speaker 2: then you know that you're not going to go back.

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Speaker 2: You know that only I've done everything that I doubt yourself. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and then you can hopefully as well, you know, human

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Speaker 2: for you. Yeah, for both of you. And it doesn't

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Speaker 2: have to be something that ends badly. It's something that

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Speaker 2: can be amicable. Hey, I love you, I respect you.

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Speaker 2: We've done everything that we can. I don't really think

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Speaker 2: there's anything more that we can do, and then you

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Speaker 2: move on or it works out and you guys live

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Speaker 2: happily ever after.

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Speaker 1: One hundred percent. Yeah, that's our advice, But give us

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Speaker 1: an update. We'd love to hear from.

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Speaker 2: You amazing, Thank you so much for writing this in

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Speaker 2: And if anybody has any more stories around this, or

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Speaker 2: you've got any relationship struggles that you're kind of dealing

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Speaker 2: with and you need some advice and best the advice

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Speaker 2: you know, you can bring it in.

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Speaker 1: It can be anything too around friendship, relationships, body like

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Speaker 1: literally anything that's going on in your life. You just

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Speaker 1: want that best of advice. Bring it in too much,

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Speaker 1: and the more context the better. We do some submissions

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Speaker 1: that's like two sentences like we can't give you advice,

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Speaker 1: but not enough contexts, more contracts you tell us, the better. Yeah, thanks,

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Speaker 1: all right, guys, fine,