Speaker 1: We'd like to acknowledge that traditional custodians of the land
Speaker 1: on which this podcast was produced, the Gadigle people of
Speaker 1: the Orination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present.
Speaker 1: This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, violence, and
Speaker 1: mental ill health. If any of these topics are triggering
Speaker 1: for you, please give this episode a miss or. Support
Speaker 1: is available through the links and phone numbers in the
Speaker 1: show notes.
Speaker 2: It's two thousand and seven and we're in the emergency
Speaker 2: room of the Orlando Regional Medical Center. Twenty three year
Speaker 2: old Erika Kramer's eyes are just opening to the feeling
Speaker 2: of cold scissors sliding against earth eighs. She's surrounded by
Speaker 2: a medical team cutting off her genes. In the chaos,
Speaker 2: she hears her husband screaming and arguing with hospital staff.
Speaker 2: A doctor tells her that she's lucky to be alive
Speaker 2: after the accident, but Erika has has no idea what
Speaker 2: accident she's talking about. She starts trying to piece together
Speaker 2: the night before a nightclub free drinks and getting into
Speaker 2: a car. She's in the backseat, her husband and her
Speaker 2: friend in the front. They're all lucky to be alive
Speaker 2: this time. But twelve months later they won't have the
Speaker 2: same luck. I'm Att Middleton and this is Headgame Today.
Speaker 2: Erika Kramer on rebuilding herself from rock bottom. Eerka, you
Speaker 2: are known as the Queen of Confidence and you have
Speaker 2: an award winning podcast as well, the Confidence Chronicles. Now
Speaker 2: you haven't always been the Queen of confidence?
Speaker 3: Have you?
Speaker 2: Because your story is one of wow. Talk about having
Speaker 2: to survive, talk about having to become your own person,
Speaker 2: talk about having to really dig deep in finding out
Speaker 2: who the true you is. Take me back to your
Speaker 2: first ever memory, Erica.
Speaker 3: You know what's so crazy? And I went back to
Speaker 3: the States last year because my mom was sick, and
Speaker 3: I drove by a foster home that I used to
Speaker 3: live in, and nostalgia is so we don't talk about
Speaker 3: it enough, Like you need to heal from the nostalgia
Speaker 3: because it was so hard hitting. It was a foster
Speaker 3: care that I first went to when I was two
Speaker 3: years old, and I knocked on the door and I
Speaker 3: was like, Hi, this is weird. I used to live here.
Speaker 3: The lady was like the loveliest lady. She let me
Speaker 3: into the house and the stairs. I remember being two
Speaker 3: years old holding onto the stairs and the stairs are nothing.
Speaker 3: If you see the stairs, you're like big deal Erica,
Speaker 3: what's so cool about these stairs? But I was watching
Speaker 3: the stairs from above, going, oh my god. I could
Speaker 3: remember my two year old self holding the stairs, crying.
Speaker 3: And I know many people don't remember two or three,
Speaker 3: but I remember because it was such a traumatic moment that,
Speaker 3: you know, we remember these traumatic moments, like we can't forget.
Speaker 3: And I was in foster care because my mom had
Speaker 3: come into my room. My mom was bipolar. Unfortunately, she
Speaker 3: struggled with mental illness all my life. My dad left
Speaker 3: when I was two, so she was a single mother.
Speaker 3: I got two kids, and my husband is fully helpful.
Speaker 3: I can't imagine being a single mother and also struggling
Speaker 3: with bipolar when mental health wasn't really I mean, we
Speaker 3: still don't talk about it enough or know about it.
Speaker 3: Imagine back in eighty three, right, So, she I was sleeping,
Speaker 3: It was like two am, three am. I was sleeping,
Speaker 3: and she opened the door started yelling and screaming, so
Speaker 3: like I just remember the door opening, the light from
Speaker 3: the hallway coming in, and her jumping on me and
Speaker 3: she just slapped me until like I was bleeding, and
Speaker 3: I was like two years old, and one of my
Speaker 3: lips is actually I think it's this side. It's still bigger,
Speaker 3: like it weld so much that like it's changed my lips.
Speaker 3: And they took me, they took me away, they put
Speaker 3: me on a foster home, and that was my memory.
Speaker 3: I was like holding on to those stairs like I
Speaker 3: didn't want to be there. I wanted to be back
Speaker 3: with my mom, because kids don't know even if you
Speaker 3: beat your child when they're little, they want to be
Speaker 3: back with you. And so that was my first real
Speaker 3: memory of life and how life kind of started off
Speaker 3: for me as a kid.
Speaker 2: And you say that your father wasn't present. He left
Speaker 2: when you were two years old. Do you remember any
Speaker 2: slight presence of your father or completely.
Speaker 3: Nothing, nothing at all until I was like I was
Speaker 3: like five, and I would go out and I looked
Speaker 3: just like my dad. Aunt like like just like my dad.
Speaker 3: I'm very much like my dad, and so people will
Speaker 3: be like, oh, you look like Angel, and I'm like,
Speaker 3: shut up, I don't want to look like him. And
Speaker 3: I remember scratching his photo. But my mom always was like,
Speaker 3: he's your dad. She never spoke badly about him, which
Speaker 3: was kind of cool to see my mom not ever
Speaker 3: thrash my dad in front of me and allow me
Speaker 3: to make my own opinion of him, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so yeah, So when your mother had bipolar? How
Speaker 2: did that work with social services? How did that work
Speaker 2: with school? How did that work throughout your younger childhood?
Speaker 2: What was your routine? Were you just in and out
Speaker 2: of care? Were you at school or two? How did
Speaker 2: that work?
Speaker 3: It was really wild. So from two years old until
Speaker 3: I was sixteen, I was in and out of foster homes.
Speaker 3: I went to every school in my town, every school,
Speaker 3: every middle school, elementary school, and high school. I attended
Speaker 3: so she would be good. I think Wayne Dyer talks
Speaker 3: about this. He was a foster kid as well, and
Speaker 3: I remember Wayne Dyer is the only person I've ever
Speaker 3: heard say I loved it. I loved being in foster
Speaker 3: homes and as a little kid, I love people and
Speaker 3: I will go up to strangers, like my team knows.
Speaker 3: I talked to everybody, the Uber driver, I make friends
Speaker 3: with everybody. My husband's like, shut up, stop talking to everyone.
Speaker 3: So like, I'm pretty sure being a foster kid made
Speaker 3: me like a community human being lover right, But they
Speaker 3: don't talk about the dark side. And so I think
Speaker 3: that when I was five year years old, I went
Speaker 3: into foster care, like for a long time, and I
Speaker 3: think that that I don't know, it just created this.
Speaker 3: It was fun, it was exciting. I would be with
Speaker 3: other kids. I wasn't really missing my mom because I
Speaker 3: loved being with other kids. But when I became like
Speaker 3: nine years old, I started to realize, oh, she's not good.
Speaker 3: Oh I think she's getting sick. And it would take
Speaker 3: my mom three days and so she would stop her
Speaker 3: meds because it would make her gain weight. And so
Speaker 3: she had this yo yo going on, right.
Speaker 2: And this is all due to the bipolar right, bipolar.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so she because it makes you like retain water.
Speaker 3: You know all the side effects of drugs, right. And
Speaker 3: there was no mindfulness, meditation, there was no therapy back then.
Speaker 3: It was like your crazy air quotes. Take all these drugs.
Speaker 3: And so fifteen pills a day she would take, and
Speaker 3: she would feel good, and then she would go, I'm
Speaker 3: going to stop taking them because I do have for
Speaker 3: my mother the look like I like my hair to
Speaker 3: look good. I dress up for no reason, just because
Speaker 3: I want to feel good. So she would really worry
Speaker 3: about her vanity and how she looked. She would stop
Speaker 3: her meds, and three days of her stopping her lithium
Speaker 3: and all her medication, she would be wild'n out. In
Speaker 3: her younger years she would be so abusive and paranoid
Speaker 3: and like manic. And she wasn't until she got older
Speaker 3: that the depression side of the manic depression came in.
Speaker 3: So it was hectic. It was very like is she okay?
Speaker 3: Are we good? Oh? Like that kind of on edge
Speaker 3: all the time. And I sucked at school. I was
Speaker 3: always in detention. I was an angry kid, beating people up.
Speaker 2: And when you say you sucked to school, it obviously
Speaker 2: affected you. Were you a cheeky kid or did the
Speaker 2: abuse or of rubble on you and you'd be abusive
Speaker 2: towards other kids or teachers.
Speaker 3: That's such a good insight. That's a good insight. And obviously,
Speaker 3: from person to person you understand this, right, you can't
Speaker 3: not become. And so when I see a killer or
Speaker 3: a murderer or an abuser, I have so I don't agree,
Speaker 3: but I understand them so much because of my own abuse,
Speaker 3: like the abused abuse. It's unfortunate, but it happens, and
Speaker 3: so at five years old, I was sexually abused in
Speaker 3: the foster home I was living in. And that's when
Speaker 3: my my light, the joyful, energetic baby girl that I was,
Speaker 3: she died. It was like darkness, sadness, shame, just like
Speaker 3: a cloud went over me. And from that moment on,
Speaker 3: the sparkle died down. And I feel like I chose anger.
Speaker 3: Some kids choose to introvert and become really depressed and
Speaker 3: become you know, the emo, and they're quiet and they're like, oh,
Speaker 3: I hate the world. I was like I was a warrior.
Speaker 3: So I was like fighting the kids for making fun
Speaker 3: of my mom who was sick, and she would like
Speaker 3: take her clothes off and walk down the street and
Speaker 3: I'd be like, oh my god, mom, you're naked walking
Speaker 3: down the street. Like I'm going to pay for that
Speaker 3: on the playground. So like I was the fighter, I
Speaker 3: was like shut up and fighting with people. So I
Speaker 3: fought with everyone and I used anger and I was
Speaker 3: remember as a kid, I was physically hit. So I
Speaker 3: learned that that's how you expressed your emotions. Because our
Speaker 3: kids don't listen to what we say. They model who
Speaker 3: we are being. That's what I did. So I wasn't
Speaker 3: like a bully, but I was pissed off. I have
Speaker 3: was like the little shit. I had a chip on
Speaker 3: my shoulder and I really wanted to mess up the
Speaker 3: world and get everybody back for what was happening to me.
Speaker 3: I was fully in victim mode, but aggressively in my
Speaker 3: victim mode.
Speaker 2: Where did you get your love from?
Speaker 3: Yeah, well I think I was looking for attention. I
Speaker 3: wanted to be seen. I wanted to be chosen because
Speaker 3: my dad left, which means you're not good enough to
Speaker 3: stay for, you know, subconsciously, and my mom left me
Speaker 3: and I go to foster homes. I had family aunt
Speaker 3: that was around the corner and they had kids, and
Speaker 3: now as a parent myself, maybe my uncles couldn't take me.
Speaker 3: But at that time, as a kid, you just think
Speaker 3: more rejection. You're not good enough to be taken. So
Speaker 3: then the state takes you, like the social worker takes
Speaker 3: you like you're so bad that nobody wants you. So
Speaker 3: that's what I got. So then I had sexual abuse
Speaker 3: again at nine years old my mom's boyfriend.
Speaker 2: So you're jumping in and out with social care, you're
Speaker 2: spending you don't know how long you're going to spend
Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden they chuck you back
Speaker 2: to your mom.
Speaker 3: It was that cycle a wild Wow, that is it
Speaker 3: was wild, I know. And then like she got a
Speaker 3: boyfriend when I was seven, and he was lovely, the
Speaker 3: only guy in my life that my mom had that
Speaker 3: was safe. And we went to Puerto Rico, where my
Speaker 3: family's from Puerto Rico, and we went there and my
Speaker 3: mom didn't take enough meds for the two week holiday,
Speaker 3: so she got into a fight with him. She got
Speaker 3: me in the car. She's driving it's raining. My mom
Speaker 3: also had abuse from her past, because you know, you
Speaker 3: hand that shit down, So she had abuse, and she
Speaker 3: was thinking somebody was chasing us. So she was driving
Speaker 3: really fast in the rain in the mountains of Carolina
Speaker 3: and Puerto Rico, and we crashed into this massive tree,
Speaker 3: flipped the car. This is just crazy, like that in itself,
Speaker 3: I can't even believe we went through that. That's just
Speaker 3: like its own lifestyle TV show. It's wild. But we
Speaker 3: came out of that only to realize that my mom
Speaker 3: had so much worry about men and fear. She was
Speaker 3: just fear based and it was from her past. Experience,
Speaker 3: and this guy really fought for me to keep me
Speaker 3: because they took her away. They put her in the
Speaker 3: hospital in America. So I sent her back home and
Speaker 3: my dad ended up taking me. So my dad, who
Speaker 3: had left me at two, kind of like kidnapped me,
Speaker 3: slashed saved me from my mom.
Speaker 2: WHOA wait, I know, so wait, let me just let
Speaker 2: me just recapture this. So you get in a car
Speaker 2: crash and you're you sort of in hospital and the
Speaker 2: only care and now that you have is all of
Speaker 2: a sudden, your dad reappears.
Speaker 3: We weren't even in hospital. We crashed, and my mom
Speaker 3: left the scene of the crash, walked for three days
Speaker 3: and three nights. We slept in patios, we slept in bushes,
Speaker 3: we slept in some people's cars. The police found us,
Speaker 3: She's like, we'll be right back. She ran from the cops,
Speaker 3: and then my dad heard about it through family and
Speaker 3: then he kind of for me. In my first book,
Speaker 3: I was like my dad kidnapped me because he genuinely
Speaker 3: took me away from my mom on force.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But twenty years later my dad came to Australia and
Speaker 3: a reconnection and he said I was trying to help
Speaker 3: you because your mom was going to kill you. And
Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, I can't tell anyone
Speaker 3: that he kidnapped because my dad was trying to rescue
Speaker 3: me from my mother who was not well. And so
Speaker 3: I didn't I saw his face because I used to
Speaker 3: scratch his face in photos, and I didn't know Spanish,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, and I'm pretty sure I called him
Speaker 3: a bunch of bad words in English. And I was
Speaker 3: there for a year, but ant that's where I learned Spanish,
Speaker 3: That's where I learned about my Puerto Rican culture, That's
Speaker 3: where I learned about my salsage, my music. So it
Speaker 3: was a gift but also a blessing and also horrible.
Speaker 3: And then he sent me back after twelve months to
Speaker 3: be with her, only to jump back into the same thing,
Speaker 3: and then you know, same cycle. Then she gets a
Speaker 3: boyfriend who molested me at nine years old, and that's
Speaker 3: when I started to realize, oh, this is really like
Speaker 3: she's tripping, Like I do believe. I know some people
Speaker 3: mean well, but like I am happy that they took
Speaker 3: me away from her, because like it's dangerous. She didn't
Speaker 3: mean to do that to me, Bless her heart, but like,
Speaker 3: I don't know how I'm here, like I should be
Speaker 3: dead multiple times, and the fact that I'm here is
Speaker 3: a blessing in itself.
Speaker 2: And are you starting to feel resentment towards your mom
Speaker 2: at this stage?
Speaker 3: Yeah, well I think I with that abuse. My mom
Speaker 3: when I was five told me about like my private
Speaker 3: areas and to always talk to her. And I speak
Speaker 3: to many women and my coaching that don't tell anyone
Speaker 3: about their abuse, right, And so my mom told me,
Speaker 3: if somebody touches you, tell me. So she opened that
Speaker 3: communication so I would always tell her. And I told
Speaker 3: her when this happened to me, and she didn't believe me.
Speaker 3: And then it happened again and I told her, no,
Speaker 3: this happened. She kicked him out, and she believed me.
Speaker 3: And the day that she didn't believe me, after years
Speaker 3: of telling me, if anybody does this, tell me, I
Speaker 3: kind of lost my trust with my mother. I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: and her well being not my sick mother, my mother
Speaker 3: who's on her meds, And well, I was like, oh,
Speaker 3: you didn't believe me, like so crazy. So now when
Speaker 3: I speak about confidence, like she attracted a guy because
Speaker 3: of her lack of confidence and thinking there was no
Speaker 3: one else out there who was unsafe for her child
Speaker 3: and for herself, and she put up with it knowing
Speaker 3: that he wasn't good. So it's so important that we
Speaker 3: as women, everybody, anybody listening, are careful about our own traumas.
Speaker 3: If we don't heal, we traut with these people that then,
Speaker 3: you know. So, I think after that, I wasn't resentful,
Speaker 3: but I was very like, oh, I got to have
Speaker 3: my own back. So I was paying money orders, I
Speaker 3: was paying bills, I was calling shots. I was like
Speaker 3: a twenty four year old at nine years old. I
Speaker 3: was just like, I have to take care of her
Speaker 3: because she's tripping.
Speaker 2: Yeah. You know, so you forced to grow up super quick.
Speaker 2: What did your education look like? And did you go
Speaker 2: to school too?
Speaker 3: Yeah? So, I it was so funny because I think
Speaker 3: before you asked me, what were you looking for love?
Speaker 3: I feel like I wanted to be feared. I thought
Speaker 3: air quotes that fear. If you fear me, then I'm
Speaker 3: going to get respect. That's what I thought. I don't
Speaker 3: know how this came to be, but I do think
Speaker 3: kids take you know, kids take different avenues. I'm gonna
Speaker 3: shrink myself become invisible fight flight fawn. I was like fight, fight, fight, fight,
Speaker 3: you know. I was like I'm gonna fight, like come
Speaker 3: and come at me. So I was a lot of
Speaker 3: noise and I don't know if I had the bite,
Speaker 3: but I was barking, and so that's how I got attention.
Speaker 3: So people were kind of scared at school. So I
Speaker 3: was like a I was like a cool boy. Like
Speaker 3: that's how I would describe myself, like you know, the
Speaker 3: cool boy in class. It's like kind of sexy and
Speaker 3: everyone's like, oh my god, and like can you do
Speaker 3: my homework for me? And the girls are like yes.
Speaker 3: So I just had all these girls that were good
Speaker 3: girls and I was like, yo, can you do my
Speaker 3: homework for me? Or I'm gonna beat you up? And
Speaker 3: they were like cool. So like I kind of used
Speaker 3: so bad. I told my kids and they're like really, Mommy,
Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, don't do that. Mommy was in pain, okay,
Speaker 3: But like I used my I feel like I used
Speaker 3: my charisma and my you know, my sassiness, my cheekiness,
Speaker 3: as you.
Speaker 2: Say, use what you knew.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I grew up in the hood, so it
Speaker 3: was it was, you know, you had to be like,
Speaker 3: I don't know, I think there's a song money power
Speaker 3: respect and so rap music was really big. Hood music
Speaker 3: was really big. So I was like, yup, so I'm
Speaker 3: gonna like I wore size forty waist jeans and like
Speaker 3: Fila T shirts and like bandanas, and I was like eh,
Speaker 3: And so that was my what was I gonna do
Speaker 3: to somebody? I weighed nothing, but I was trying to
Speaker 3: get bigger internally because I felt so small. And that
Speaker 3: worked at a certain time, but my grades, as you
Speaker 3: would imagine, my grades really suffered, and so I had
Speaker 3: to start to get my shit together and I went
Speaker 3: to an alternative high school that was that was the limit,
Speaker 3: Like I'm a person that has to go to the edge,
Speaker 3: like eleven and a half the merit points and I'll
Speaker 3: stop speeding. Okay, no worries, I got you. So I'm
Speaker 3: like the edge person, right. So I'm at this alternative
Speaker 3: high school where literally no disrespect, but everyone's pregnant, drug dealers,
Speaker 3: like court cases like these are like really like not
Speaker 3: bad kids, but you know, bad kids, And I'm like
Speaker 3: I don't have any of that. Why am I here?
Speaker 3: And I realized I don't want to graduate from this
Speaker 3: alternative high school. I have to get myself out of here.
Speaker 3: We're literally coloring maps and we're in grade eleven or twelve.
Speaker 3: So I got out of that school, got my stuff together,
Speaker 3: tried to get mentorship. I had a big sister. I
Speaker 3: don't know if you guys have that program like big brother,
Speaker 3: big sister, but it's like a mentoring program. And I
Speaker 3: had this lady who she helped me. She was the
Speaker 3: only person I really had because I didn't have role models,
Speaker 3: and she just kind of kept me in check and
Speaker 3: I could trust her. And I think it was because
Speaker 3: of her that I actually graduated high school. And my
Speaker 3: teachers that would knock on my door and take me
Speaker 3: to school like Erica, come on, you got to get
Speaker 3: to school. So I was that kid, but it helped
Speaker 3: because I got to graduate, which was amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like you're, you know, huge defense mechanisms.
Speaker 2: You know that wasn't wasn't you at all? How were
Speaker 2: your relationships through through your sort of early teens going
Speaker 2: into later teens? Were they very stand off Fisher? You know,
Speaker 2: did you have any boyfriends or was it you know,
Speaker 2: how did that go?
Speaker 3: I had one boyfriend and he was really lovely and
Speaker 3: it was very innocent, and I there was some that
Speaker 3: my cousin said to me, my older cousin, and he
Speaker 3: said to me, and this is so cliche, but I
Speaker 3: don't care. I'm going to say it. Like he was like,
Speaker 3: stay a virgin until as long as you can just
Speaker 3: stay a virgin, Erica, you'll have all the power. And
Speaker 3: I just heard you'll have all the power. So I
Speaker 3: was like, okay, okay, I even like and I remember
Speaker 3: I didn't mess with boys for some reason, and I
Speaker 3: don't know how, but I had no mom at my house.
Speaker 3: I had the keys to my house, I had access
Speaker 3: to her like Centerlink and her money, so I could
Speaker 3: have just went crazy doing house parties, drinking drugs for
Speaker 3: whatever reason. This responsibility kicked in and I was paying
Speaker 3: bills and I was going, you know, I was trying
Speaker 3: to keep so I didn't have sex with anyone, go crazy,
Speaker 3: do any of that until I moved to Australia. Anyway,
Speaker 3: while that later and I stayed. I swear my cousin.
Speaker 3: You know, sometimes you get these people that come into
Speaker 3: your life and they're they're here to tell you something
Speaker 3: and you're ready to hear it. I'm happy I heard
Speaker 3: that because I can't imagine.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, your mind is obe you're ready to do that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I wanted to graduate.
Speaker 2: Yes, you graduate.
Speaker 3: I did by like a hair. I just was so
Speaker 3: lucky I walked on that field. I graduated. But one
Speaker 3: of the things that happened in school in high school
Speaker 3: was in America, in the cafeteria, the people come, like
Speaker 3: military comes to your cafeteria. Right, So I'm poor, my
Speaker 3: mom is poor, my grades are horrific, and I'm a
Speaker 3: little hood street you know, I need to get slapped
Speaker 3: up because I have no disrespectful all that stuff. And
Speaker 3: then the military come and I'm at this point, I
Speaker 3: wasn't a tomboy anymore because I went through like tomboy phase,
Speaker 3: super tight painted on clothing phase, and I was in
Speaker 3: my girly phase. And they're there and they're doing like
Speaker 3: pull ups and all this, and they're like, if you join,
Speaker 3: the Army will pay you four years of state college free.
Speaker 3: So I was like, oh my god, I sucked at school.
Speaker 3: No money. I'm going to go to the army because
Speaker 3: they'll pay for my school. And all my friends were like,
Speaker 3: how are you going to shoot it gun with your nails,
Speaker 3: blah blah blah, and I'm like, you forgot who I was, like,
Speaker 3: I was a tomboy, you know, like I'm doing this.
Speaker 3: So I at seventeen and signed the paperwork for the military,
Speaker 3: and my high school trip was boot camp, and I
Speaker 3: was like, that's my way out, Like I'm not going
Speaker 3: to get out of here. And it's so funny. A
Speaker 3: lot of people ask me this. I didn't know, and
Speaker 3: maybe I don't know if you felt like this. I
Speaker 3: didn't know the military was going to give me stability
Speaker 3: and structure and discipline. I didn't know I lacked that.
Speaker 3: I didn't know I was going to need that. But
Speaker 3: my friends are like, I swear subconsciously, number one, you
Speaker 3: wanted to get away from your mother, which I definitely did.
Speaker 3: I wanted to move to the other side of the
Speaker 3: world subconsciously, and I wanted a way out. And so
Speaker 3: the military, obviously, as you know, gives you the structure
Speaker 3: and the discipline, it will slap it out of you.
Speaker 3: So I was not disrespectful anymore after that.
Speaker 2: Joe exactly the same with me. I was brought up
Speaker 2: in France and I wanted to get back to the UK,
Speaker 2: and that was one of the excuses that I, you know,
Speaker 2: to join the UK military. That was one of the
Speaker 2: reasons and the excuses that I used. It was, you know,
Speaker 2: I want to get out for answer, I want to
Speaker 2: go back to the UK. Well, guess what, I'm going
Speaker 2: to join the military. Didn't think about discipline structure. I
Speaker 2: just wanted to challenge, wanted to be self sufficient, wanted
Speaker 2: to be paid a little bit of a wage and
Speaker 2: go and travel the world. So yeah, I completely get
Speaker 2: That's almost like, you know, you wanted to detach yourself
Speaker 2: from yes, from everything you know, and this was a
Speaker 2: prime opportunity. So what do you do? Do you jump
Speaker 2: at it? Do you sign up? And a where you go?
Speaker 2: And are you just like low Manger in it?
Speaker 3: So I signed up. I had a boyfriend at sixteen
Speaker 3: who was my high school sweetheart, Giovanni, and he was
Speaker 3: a year ahead of me, and he wanted to join
Speaker 3: the Marines and I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that.
Speaker 3: I'm not doing what you did, and that's like that's
Speaker 3: next level. I was just like, I just need to
Speaker 3: get out nudge, you know, like I need to get
Speaker 3: out of here. And I can handle the army. I
Speaker 3: can handle the US Army, but he joined the Marine
Speaker 3: Corps and he left first. And so my high school,
Speaker 3: you know in Australia they call it schoolies. So my
Speaker 3: high school senior trip was boot camp, right, and it
Speaker 3: was two thousand and one, and it was September. And
Speaker 3: so halfway through boot camp, what happens nine to eleven?
Speaker 3: So they put us in a room, they put the
Speaker 3: TV on. I'm like, there's a TV and the second
Speaker 3: tower is getting hit and it just it got real.
Speaker 3: I was like, whoa, Like we joined for college everybody
Speaker 3: then in two thousand and one, let me tell you,
Speaker 3: none of those kids joined for that. And my drill sergeants,
Speaker 3: you know the drill instructors, they don't they spit on
Speaker 3: your face, they yell at you. It's a whole show
Speaker 3: that they do. These drill instructors dropped to the ground.
Speaker 3: They were wailing. People were crying and screaming, and I'm like,
Speaker 3: is this like, what the hell is this?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 3: What's happening? And it was legit. They had family and
Speaker 3: New York people were crying and then they all got
Speaker 3: their shit together and they were like, you were all
Speaker 3: going to war after your deployment, we were like what, Like,
Speaker 3: we're just kids that joined for college money. So it
Speaker 3: was a wild time. After that, every drill instructor was like,
Speaker 3: all right, sergeant. They used to call me sergeant's Batchela
Speaker 3: because my maiden name is Supulvida and they couldn't say it, yeah,
Speaker 3: so batchela. Yeah, And they were like, Nick, you know
Speaker 3: that I didn't choose. So I'm like, okay, it's Batchelor
Speaker 3: and they were like make sure. So they were so
Speaker 3: careful with us, which I don't think any I don't
Speaker 3: think many people got that care and love because of
Speaker 3: when we were there. They were like, shit, we're sending
Speaker 3: these kids out to war, so we're going to really
Speaker 3: have to like show them. And they cared so much,
Speaker 3: and like the first month they were just yelling at us.
Speaker 3: They didn't give a shit. But the second month they
Speaker 3: were like, all right, soldier, you got this, you got
Speaker 3: this private and I was like, hold on, yes, I
Speaker 3: think so they would just show you. And the patients came,
Speaker 3: and I think they were knowing that they were going
Speaker 3: to send these all these people off to this we
Speaker 3: hadn't had war in our generation like that, you know.
Speaker 3: And so oh and geo's platoon. They got locked down
Speaker 3: and they got sent to Iraq for two years. Like
Speaker 3: my marine partner, who's my boyfriend, who then became a
Speaker 3: husband because we had a quick marriage, just so that
Speaker 3: if something happened to him, they would tell me. So
Speaker 3: it just went America just went crazy. That was a
Speaker 3: real hectic time.
Speaker 2: So Erica, you were what you got married in the
Speaker 2: in the interval? Yes, just during training.
Speaker 3: I know, I finished training. I finished training, went back home,
Speaker 3: you know, he went back home and he was going off,
Speaker 3: and then I went with him, and my family was
Speaker 3: like what are you doing. I'm like, oh, we're moving
Speaker 3: to California and they were like what. I were like, yeah, bye.
Speaker 3: And so my mother got sick, and you know what's
Speaker 3: crazy as an only child with a mother with mental
Speaker 3: health issues, I felt guilt for the first time at
Speaker 3: because I was leaving and she came to my boot
Speaker 3: camp graduation off her face. She was I don't know
Speaker 3: how she got on an airplane from Boston to North Carolina,
Speaker 3: but she was off her face, and I just I
Speaker 3: was just standing there like, that's not my problem. I
Speaker 3: was like, I can't take responsibility for this woman anymore.
Speaker 3: I'm so happy that that seventeen or eighteen year old
Speaker 3: Erica knew I love you, but I got to get
Speaker 3: the hell out of here, and that's on you, it's
Speaker 3: not on me, and a lot of us don't have that.
Speaker 3: So I was grateful that whatever powers gave me and
Speaker 3: I moved across from Boston to California, so all the
Speaker 3: way on the West coast, and then we didn't tell anyone.
Speaker 3: We secretly got married and I became a military wife.
Speaker 3: I became Missus Lopez military wife for two years on
Speaker 3: a base doing nothing, and no one knew. It was
Speaker 3: the weirdest thing. Even my husband didn't have me as wife.
Speaker 3: So I'm on the base. You know when you live
Speaker 3: on the base, they're like, Missus Lopez, Missus Lopez, show
Speaker 3: me your husband's this, and he's just a soldier fighting
Speaker 3: in Iraq and I'm a wife. And it was the
Speaker 3: weirdest thing because I couldn't tell anyone.
Speaker 2: Wow, what's that relationship like between you two? Is it?
Speaker 2: It's he's he's your high school sweetheart. Now he's off
Speaker 2: in the Marines. You're you're in the army. Does that
Speaker 2: break down or do you how does that work? Out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was. It was really beautiful. We stayed together,
Speaker 3: we pen paled, we called I remember he called me
Speaker 3: from the sprite factory and there was bombs going off
Speaker 3: and they had just went into Saddan Hussein's house and
Speaker 3: just wild stuff that was happening. And he's calling me
Speaker 3: from some remote place and I'm just like this is real,
Speaker 3: Like this is you know a lot of people, probably
Speaker 3: your family would have been stressed about you, like you
Speaker 3: watch the news, soldier dies, who my husband, my son,
Speaker 3: my like, you're just so stressed. So it was two
Speaker 3: years of stress and then he came back. I waited.
Speaker 3: I was a good I was such a good I
Speaker 3: don't know how that came to be, because I shouldn't
Speaker 3: have been good, but I was. I was there, I
Speaker 3: was waiting, I was all in.
Speaker 2: So how long did you do in the military, and
Speaker 2: you know, was there any any moments in the military
Speaker 2: where you fought, you know, I can't do this or
Speaker 2: you know this isn't me, or you know, did you
Speaker 2: really enjoy your time?
Speaker 3: Yeah? I think I was like a National Guard one
Speaker 3: week and a month and then I went fully active duty,
Speaker 3: like Monday to Friday. When GEO came back from war.
Speaker 3: We moved from California the west coast all the way
Speaker 3: to Florida, so back to the east coast, and I
Speaker 3: went active duty at that time. And I was active
Speaker 3: duty in Florida, like Orlando, Florida. Monday to Friday, I
Speaker 3: wore the camis, I wore my boots, but then at
Speaker 3: night I went to hair school. I became a hairdresser,
Speaker 3: which was so weird for my battalion. They were like,
Speaker 3: excuse me, you're doing hairdressing as well, Like it was weird,
Speaker 3: But I'm Gemini and I leve all weird shit at once.
Speaker 3: I'm like, seventeen weird things at once is my favorite thing.
Speaker 3: So I was like looking for a way out right.
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, I'm not going to be in
Speaker 3: the military for my whole life. This was just a
Speaker 3: to B. But now this became my plan d Like
Speaker 3: I got to figure it out. So hair school became
Speaker 3: the thing I was gonna, you know, kind of transition,
Speaker 3: like have my plan out. And I think the military
Speaker 3: pissed me off and I would love to hear what
Speaker 3: you think about this. But as an enlisted which means
Speaker 3: I didn't go to college and become an officer in
Speaker 3: charge of people. I was like grassroots. I was enlisted,
Speaker 3: E won you two all the way to eat. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it was grunting.
Speaker 2: You know your non commissioned officer, you know yourum.
Speaker 3: So like then you get this high school and remember
Speaker 3: I had shit around so as a Latina, I had
Speaker 3: shit around white people that were rich. Like it was
Speaker 3: like a little bit of racism growing up, like all
Speaker 3: those white people that are rich, they get everything that
Speaker 3: they want, and like that's not true, but that's how
Speaker 3: it felt for me in my life because white people
Speaker 3: always saved me, like the social worker, the foster home,
Speaker 3: all that stuff. So I had my own shit around that.
Speaker 3: So then here comes this officer who is like twenty.
Speaker 3: It felt like they were twenty and they just graduated
Speaker 3: and now they're in charge of us, and they know
Speaker 3: nothing about what we're doing. They haven't went through the
Speaker 3: ranks to understand. So it taught me a lot about
Speaker 3: how I don't want to do corporate America. You know
Speaker 3: what I'm saying, Like I don't want somebody in charge
Speaker 3: of me that has no idea. So I was like,
Speaker 3: I need to be an entrepreneur.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: It was like this is not gonna work. So I
Speaker 3: think it really taught me that. But also it taught
Speaker 3: me to shut up. It taught me to like respect
Speaker 3: and not fight. There's certain things you fight for and
Speaker 3: other things you just learned to shut up. When someone's
Speaker 3: screaming at your face, spitting on your lip and they're
Speaker 3: super close to you, you're just like, I'm gonna get
Speaker 3: Brad Towell pt for me, so let me just shut
Speaker 3: my mouth. And I'm probably sure that was a lesson
Speaker 3: Erica needed.
Speaker 2: How did your relationship go with your husband because you
Speaker 2: got into a terrible accent, didn't you.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So we were both obviously trauma background. His
Speaker 3: dad had left and he had his own traumas, I
Speaker 3: had my own. We get our traumas together, get secretly married,
Speaker 3: move to Florida, and drink way too much alcohol. I
Speaker 3: don't know if you resonate with that, but like lots
Speaker 3: and lots of alcohol, getting blind and one night we
Speaker 3: got told, hey, come to this party in the city.
Speaker 3: You know, we've got a VIP booth. And in America,
Speaker 3: VIP booths are a big thing. Like that means you
Speaker 3: just drink for free if you get invited. So you're like, okay,
Speaker 3: let's go. So when Geo came back from war, his
Speaker 3: parents bought him a car as like a gift, and
Speaker 3: they bought him the Fast and the Furious Mitsubishi Evo.
Speaker 3: And it has no chip. So this car, sick car.
Speaker 3: Never drove it because I was like scared that it
Speaker 3: was so beautiful red fast. So where we go to
Speaker 3: this party and and we get blind. And the crazy
Speaker 3: thing is that at this party, at this club, they
Speaker 3: had a stripper pole and I was like having a
Speaker 3: ball on the move in my back doing all this
Speaker 3: ridiculous stuff. Drinking, got in the car, didn't put a
Speaker 3: seatbelt on. I said, you put your seatbelts on. Him
Speaker 3: and his friend were in the front, and I hovered
Speaker 3: to air quotes look after them. We were all drunk.
Speaker 3: So my husband falls asleep in fifth gear going two
Speaker 3: hundred and forty two kilometers an hour. His friend has
Speaker 3: a seatbelt on, and he has a seatbelt on. I don't,
Speaker 3: So we ended up hitting We passed our house by
Speaker 3: like half a kilometer, and I woke up and I'm like,
Speaker 3: we passed the house. We ate a red light. It
Speaker 3: was like three am, and my just vision went black.
Speaker 3: So we hit a ditch. The car turned boot first,
Speaker 3: so now I'm at the back right with no seatbelt.
Speaker 3: Boot first. We hit a ditch, we hit a van.
Speaker 3: The van pushed us into a tree, and then we
Speaker 3: smashed into a convenience store and I was ejected out
Speaker 3: like twenty five feet in the air. Broke my back.
Speaker 3: So we had a friend who sold drugs anyway, talking
Speaker 3: about that later, and he was doing some drug deal
Speaker 3: at two am and said, I saw you. I saw you,
Speaker 3: Erica on the car trying to get you know how
Speaker 3: adrenaline works, trying to get out of the car. My
Speaker 3: back is broken and like my back and my ankle
Speaker 3: are shattered. So he's like called the police. They took
Speaker 3: us draws of life GEO. My husband was in a colla.
Speaker 3: His head was like this big for twelve hours. Thank god,
Speaker 3: he was fine after twelve hours got released. His friend
Speaker 3: had a fractured rib, which is a joke, like how
Speaker 3: did homeboy get out? I don't know how that happened.
Speaker 3: And because I didn't have a seatbelt, I broke my back.
Speaker 3: I had fusion metal. So thirty days in the hospital
Speaker 3: with morphine pump every five minutes, pumping it because it
Speaker 3: was so painful, like my ankle has a big old
Speaker 3: screw and I'm like what happened? So that was like
Speaker 3: that was a wake up call. And now you know,
Speaker 3: nobody knows we're married. So I have a ring and
Speaker 3: I'm like telling the nurses to take my ring off, and
Speaker 3: like we're hiding this from his family.
Speaker 2: It was just wild, Wow, yeah, no one knows you're married.
Speaker 3: No one was married. Take my ring and they're like yours.
Speaker 3: You need to just calm down. So thirty days in
Speaker 3: the hospital I got out. I was I was in
Speaker 3: like a bulletproof looking vest with like a moon boot,
Speaker 3: and I couldn't walk, And your ego takes a hit
Speaker 3: when you're I was twenty three and I'm like, what
Speaker 3: do you mean I can't? And I was swollen and
Speaker 3: so it took a lot of recovery, but I was
Speaker 3: like being able to walk again on my own and
Speaker 3: go to the bathroom on my own was like that's
Speaker 3: a win. And it was a wake up call and
Speaker 3: to be like what are you doing in the army.
Speaker 3: You didn't come here to be in the army. You
Speaker 3: wanted to be a performer or an actress or something
Speaker 3: why aren't you doing that? What are you doing with
Speaker 3: your life? Like wake up? Like you could go. So
Speaker 3: I really thought that that was my wake up call.
Speaker 3: So I started modeling. I know it's weird. I'm a hairdresser,
Speaker 3: I'm in the military, and I'm modeling. This is the
Speaker 3: perfect life Erica.
Speaker 2: That doesn't surprise me.
Speaker 3: With you living no a double life. I have a
Speaker 3: triple life. Okay. So but it was kind of good
Speaker 3: because I was selling my calendars to my military people
Speaker 3: who were very respectful, but they were supporting my work.
Speaker 3: So thank you guys at the unit. They were buying
Speaker 3: my calendars. So I started doing like music videos in Miami.
Speaker 3: I lived in Florida, amazing, and I'm like, this is good.
Speaker 3: Things are happening for me. I'm going to move out
Speaker 3: of the military. I'm going to start doing hair and modeling.
Speaker 3: And the following year, I don't know if you remember
Speaker 3: this fight, but it was Oscar de la Ooya and
Speaker 3: May Massive fight. Matt right. That fight is like that
Speaker 3: shit went down in history. Okay. So I was just
Speaker 3: like in America, you do pay per view. Everybody pays
Speaker 3: fifty bucks, they come to your house, have a party.
Speaker 3: It was a house party after this. Of course, my
Speaker 3: husband and I were never drinking and driving. We always
Speaker 3: wore a seatbelt. Of course, like you almost die, you
Speaker 3: would never do that again. So I fully believe that
Speaker 3: how things happen are supposed to happen now. So we're
Speaker 3: at our house. I'm like, hey, guys, I've got my
Speaker 3: one weekend a month military. You can't be late to formation,
Speaker 3: so I'm going to bed. I go to bed. Everybody's partying.
Speaker 3: I go to bed. I wake up and I don't
Speaker 3: see my husband next to me, and I'm like, what's happening.
Speaker 3: I'm like, where's Geo? And everyone's like drunk on the
Speaker 3: couch and I'm like, I don't know where he is,
Speaker 3: but I gotta go because I'm gonna be late. So
Speaker 3: I'm like, guys, call him. I kept calling him, his
Speaker 3: phone kept ringing. I'm like, this weird. He called me
Speaker 3: at one twenty am. Anyway, we couldn't find him. I
Speaker 3: didn't think anything about it, and I was like, we're good.
Speaker 3: Like he's probably fell asleep in the car or something.
Speaker 3: So I do my formation. It's like ten am. I
Speaker 3: tell my sergeant. She's like, don't worry. Keep calling him.
Speaker 3: His phone kept ringing, so eleven forty five, I'll never forget.
Speaker 3: I look out the window of my unit and it's raining,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, where's my husband? Okay, I'm freaking out. Now,
Speaker 3: I'm freaking out. I'm like, where is Geo? And she
Speaker 3: sends me home, She goes go, We go to the house.
Speaker 3: All our friends are looking for him. And I saw
Speaker 3: the hospital called now the year before, and if any
Speaker 3: young people are listening to this, don't be silly. Get insurance. Okay,
Speaker 3: the year before I declined the military insurance. It's like
Speaker 3: twenty four dollars a month, tight ass Erica, and I
Speaker 3: declined it. So then guess what happened when I broke
Speaker 3: my back. I still to this day, Oh the America,
Speaker 3: I don't even know probably now five hundred thousand dollars.
Speaker 3: I don't know a lot of money. So I thought
Speaker 3: the hospital called for the bills because they always called.
Speaker 3: But it was seven am and when they called me,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, that's weird. So I called the hospital.
Speaker 3: They're like, we can't give you any information, just come in.
Speaker 3: It was very nonchalant. I'm like, cool, we can't find him.
Speaker 3: He's not at the jail. Nobody's calling us. We'll drive
Speaker 3: to the hospital. So me and his best friends drove
Speaker 3: to the hospital. We woke in and the guy on
Speaker 3: the phone's like, oh, just go wait over there in
Speaker 3: those rooms, and I'm like, these are the room where
Speaker 3: they tell you the bad news. And I start freaking out.
Speaker 3: And this little old lady across from the room, beautiful Angel,
Speaker 3: was like, hey, darling, my husband's getting heart surgery. I'm
Speaker 3: just here waiting. These are waiting rooms, don't worry. And
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, freaking out, freaking out. The double door's
Speaker 3: open and there's a doctor and a nurse and they
Speaker 3: just look at me and they're like, I'm so sorry
Speaker 3: he didn't make it. And I'm like, excuse me, Well,
Speaker 3: they just came out like that. Yeah, Like they just
Speaker 3: looked at me and they were like, we're so sorry.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh this this bitch is talking to
Speaker 3: the wrong person. Oh no, who are you talking to me? Like?
Speaker 3: It was like you ever want to see insanity? In
Speaker 3: that second, it was insanity. I was disassociated. I was
Speaker 3: I don't know what's what. I'm like sorry, and then
Speaker 3: she's like I'm sorry. Giovanni Lopez, your husband. We tried
Speaker 3: everything we could. He didn't make it. Then I was like,
Speaker 3: I don't understand. Like I was in my military suit,
Speaker 3: I couldn't and his friend's on the ground and wailing.
Speaker 3: His friend from high school, so from Boston. His friend
Speaker 3: had come and we were just like what And then
Speaker 3: it finally kicked in and I just lost my shit.
Speaker 3: And basically he left the house, which again we weren't doing.
Speaker 3: That was weird. He left the house, he was on
Speaker 3: his own, didn't have a seat belt, which again we
Speaker 3: weren't doing. He crashed into there was a ditch. You
Speaker 3: know those ditches that just go down those pitchurees are
Speaker 3: so dangerous because you don't need anything else. He crashed
Speaker 3: in this ditch. The car flipped and he just landed
Speaker 3: on a patio with nothing. So we crashed into a
Speaker 3: million things the year before. There's nothing. It's just grass.
Speaker 3: But crazy because I'm like, wait, no, like that's not
Speaker 3: our story. We're not doing that anymore. It makes no sense.
Speaker 3: And it's so crazy because that's what happened. And so
Speaker 3: when I went to the scene to find him, there
Speaker 3: was a woman who came out and she's like, I
Speaker 3: saw him, and I came out. The lady who lived there,
Speaker 3: she's like, I prayed, I held him. I'm like, was
Speaker 3: he suffering? She's like no, like his ring had fallen off.
Speaker 3: Somebody found the ring and gave it to me. Like
Speaker 3: all this crazy stuff that happened. And I in that
Speaker 3: moment was like f you God. If there is a god,
Speaker 3: like I must be cursed, ants like are you kidding me?
Speaker 3: All that stuff? I was done. I was like, I'm done.
Speaker 3: I can check out now, like I'm done. It was.
Speaker 3: I never had anybody died in my life. Nobody ever
Speaker 3: died in my life. And then my husband died, and
Speaker 3: I was just like, what is this?
Speaker 2: What did you do? Well?
Speaker 3: I numbed out. I numbed out a lot. I did
Speaker 3: the burial went. That was a whole crazy thing in
Speaker 3: itself because nobody knew we were married. Remember, so now
Speaker 3: his mom's trying to make plans and they're like his wife,
Speaker 3: and I'm like shit, yeah, so we got married and
Speaker 3: I'm his wife, and so like now I can do
Speaker 3: all the things and you can't do anything about And
Speaker 3: like we had insurance, you know, military insurance. Yeah, so
Speaker 3: paid his school. I didn't want his parents to pay
Speaker 3: for his college. That got paid paid for all the things.
Speaker 3: But it was like blood money. Like I'm a poor
Speaker 3: girl that's never had money, and I get one hundred
Speaker 3: thousand dollars and I couldn't. I couldn't throw it off
Speaker 3: me faster. I was like, oh, look, here's money to
Speaker 3: get your boobs done. Friend, here's money for a car. Brother,
Speaker 3: like all these people that I just was like, I can't.
Speaker 3: So we did that. I came back to Florida, and
Speaker 3: I promise you, I don't remember those three years I
Speaker 3: did modeling, seeking validation. Yeah, but all that stuff that
Speaker 3: you said as a kid, like looking for love, that's
Speaker 3: when it kicked in. And because I realized I always
Speaker 3: had a boyfriend or a partner at a young age.
Speaker 3: So he was gone. I was alone. I was like,
Speaker 3: I'll do music videos. I'll be half naked in a bikini. Nope,
Speaker 3: that doesn't make me feel good. I'll get with this guy.
Speaker 3: I'll get with that guy. Oh my god, like drunk,
Speaker 3: drinking and driving, still doing bad things.
Speaker 2: So you've sort of flipped off. Yeah, eating with that,
Speaker 2: you've gone onto the drugs. Alcohol.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just lots of alcohol, lots of alcohol, pain numbing it.
Speaker 3: And then and then I went to a hair conference
Speaker 3: in Las Vegas and I met a man from Australia
Speaker 3: and I was like, yep, cool, let's do this. I'm
Speaker 3: gonna move into Australia. And he was like, are you serious?
Speaker 3: And I was like, sure, let me get out of America.
Speaker 3: I gotta go. So I thought, I thought, if I
Speaker 3: moved across the South Pacific Ocean, all my shit wouldn't
Speaker 3: follow me because I didn't pack it in my luggage.
Speaker 3: But it came, Yeah, came with.
Speaker 2: Me, of course. So so you're you're still you're still
Speaker 2: in this self destruct mode, I would say, because that's
Speaker 2: exactly what it sounds like. And then you meet an
Speaker 2: Australian gentleman? How do you how talk me through that? How?
Speaker 2: How do you how do you meet this this gentleman?
Speaker 3: Oh, gentlemen. The guy in Vegas was very nice on
Speaker 3: the outside but ended up not being good. So I
Speaker 3: thought he was cool. I'm like, he's cool, he's different,
Speaker 3: let's go. So I literally sold my life in change.
Speaker 2: Did you use him just to get out? No?
Speaker 3: I don't feel like I used him. I feel like
Speaker 3: he also So I was a hairdresser at that time,
Speaker 3: and I came to his business here in Sydney. Do
Speaker 3: you know where Mount Drewid is, Yes, yes, Okay, So
Speaker 3: I moved from Miami to Mount drew It. So that's
Speaker 3: that's just in itself a story. But I came because
Speaker 3: he was like I was working for a hair salon,
Speaker 3: Paul Mitchell, and he's like, I love like what you
Speaker 3: guys are doing. And so I came and worked in
Speaker 3: his business and made him fifty k extra a week
Speaker 3: and they were just like, what the hell, how did
Speaker 3: you do that? I'm like, I'm America. It's called customer
Speaker 3: service Australia up selling training culture. So like I brought
Speaker 3: all my stuff and distracted myself with helping and forgot
Speaker 3: that he was actually not a good guy. Like the
Speaker 3: way he treated me was bad. The condemnation like you
Speaker 3: got to clean up your life, you got to messed up,
Speaker 3: like story. And so I attracted someone to show me
Speaker 3: how much I already thought about myself being low, Like
Speaker 3: I already thought I was a piece of shit. I
Speaker 3: already thought I was broken and messed up, and he
Speaker 3: was just going to confirm that because that's what I was.
Speaker 3: That's what I was drawing in of course, so it
Speaker 3: wasn't his fault. It was my attraction of him. And
Speaker 3: so that didn't work. After eleven months and I met
Speaker 3: another man and aunt same guy, different face, same guy,
Speaker 3: same thing, but he was in Melbourne. So then I
Speaker 3: moved to Melbourne because I'm a loser and I'm now
Speaker 3: Sydney Melbourne. Now the guy horrible and I know, and
Speaker 3: he was like, we have to lie to my family
Speaker 3: about you. We can't tell them you come from a
Speaker 3: broken family. That was the first time I ever heard
Speaker 3: the broken family. I didn't know what that meant. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: I came from a broken family. Like delete your photos
Speaker 3: off Google. I had like four pages of my modeling
Speaker 3: photos on Google. He's like, delete them. So I would
Speaker 3: email photographers trying to delete my past and I was
Speaker 3: basically not good enough, damaged. And I was with this
Speaker 3: guy for another eleven months until he broke up with
Speaker 3: me on my birthday, thank goodness, because I wasn't going anywhere.
Speaker 3: And I was just like, you're a loser. You don't
Speaker 3: know anyone here. Your nail technician and your personal trainer
Speaker 3: are your only friends in Australia and I just had
Speaker 3: like a Michael Jackson man in the mirror moment where
Speaker 3: I was like, wow, I'm at rock like I was
Speaker 3: at rock bottom, bottom bottom bottom.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I suppose you again. Another defense mechanism is it's
Speaker 2: to keep busy, is to jump into relationships, jump into situations,
Speaker 2: jump into jobs, jump in and then all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: all that goes and you're just slide. You by yourself.
Speaker 2: You look around, you isolated yourself. You are lonely by.
Speaker 3: Yourself, and you can't hide from yourself. That's why a pandemic,
Speaker 3: that's why that lockdown killed people, because you got to
Speaker 3: sit with you in your home, with you and your
Speaker 3: relationship and the stuff that you avoid every day you're
Speaker 3: locked in. And so I was like, I'm so grateful
Speaker 3: for that moment. It was like I looked in the
Speaker 3: mirror and I saw myself. Like I look in the mirror.
Speaker 3: Women look at the mirror all the time, any mirror.
Speaker 3: We can't we're like checking ourselves out. But I was
Speaker 3: like ooh, and I just looked through my eyes and
Speaker 3: I was like, shit, you are the common denominator in
Speaker 3: the hot mess that is your life. It's always been you.
Speaker 3: You were here, it's still you. We got to make amends.
Speaker 3: And it was like that awakening for me to be like,
Speaker 3: it's me. I got to take responsibility. I have to respond.
Speaker 3: I have to respond to that situation.
Speaker 2: So that's a classic. You took a good, hard look
Speaker 2: in the mirror yourself and that moment just flipped your
Speaker 2: mindset to it.
Speaker 3: Well, I didn't know what the work was like, as
Speaker 3: being from the hood and being poor. I didn't know,
Speaker 3: like I had therapists since I was four. So this
Speaker 3: Foster care put you in therapy, but I always again,
Speaker 3: I thought it was a white lady with a clipboard
Speaker 3: with glasses judging you. So to me, therapy never felt
Speaker 3: like healing, like people say, get a therapist, and I
Speaker 3: was like, I'm not gonna get a therapist, Like there
Speaker 3: was so much masculine shit about me that was like
Speaker 3: not not doing that. I'm not talking about my feelings.
Speaker 3: But now here I am facing myself seeing that I
Speaker 3: can't literally escape anymore. I've escaped to another country, which
Speaker 3: I didn't know where. Australia was no idea typical American.
Speaker 3: I was like, Austria, where are we going? Sure, let's go,
Speaker 3: Like okay, this is nowhere. I don't know where I am.
Speaker 3: I thought everybody in Australia sounded like they were from
Speaker 3: the UK. Like that's how bad I was. Okay, so
Speaker 3: I couldn't I couldn't escape. And then I think that
Speaker 3: was that moment. So my personal trainer, Hamish, who was
Speaker 3: literally like kind and lovely, was like, hey, if you're interested,
Speaker 3: I know this lady that I work with, and she
Speaker 3: was like a coach, but she was like clayvoyant coach
Speaker 3: and I was like, what the hell's clayvoyant? What the
Speaker 3: hell is all that? I was not like spiritual universe
Speaker 3: any of that. I was very like, what are you
Speaker 3: talking about?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: And so yeah, like what you're a witch? Like what
Speaker 3: are you talking about? What he did? Witchcraft? Like I
Speaker 3: don't understand. And so I met her. She was lovely,
Speaker 3: very practical person but had her you know, she had
Speaker 3: her energetics, but she was practical and I need practical.
Speaker 3: I hate fluff. I absolutely like you, I can't be
Speaker 3: fluff and shit, it's like that's bullshit. So she sat
Speaker 3: with me and my first session aunt, what do you think?
Speaker 3: She took me to Geo's death, the thing that I
Speaker 3: avoided for like four years. She was like, let's talk
Speaker 3: about Geo's death and I was like boo. And just
Speaker 3: know she took me there the first session. She didn't
Speaker 3: even ease me in okay, And I was like, I'm fine,
Speaker 3: I'm fine, not okay, but I'm so grateful. Yeah. It
Speaker 3: was disarmed, and it was really like you got to
Speaker 3: put that wall down. Like she said to me a
Speaker 3: long time ago, you're gonna help women, and you can't
Speaker 3: help women with that nasty chip on your shoulder and
Speaker 3: all that anger. I was like, I'm not helping women.
Speaker 3: I don't care about anybody. I was like, that's what
Speaker 3: you say now, and she told me, she's like you
Speaker 3: are going to be such a stand old stand for
Speaker 3: women and showing up and helping them. You got to
Speaker 3: clear that shit. And I was like whatever, what do
Speaker 3: you know? And then obviously thank you. You are right. But
Speaker 3: like twelve months into it, so Hamish started helping me.
Speaker 3: He introduced me to his friends, my personal trainer okay,
Speaker 3: and then we started to like get feelings and I'm like, oh, no, Erica,
Speaker 3: here you go. But hey, like I was like no, no, no,
Speaker 3: I can't. And then literally he was like I like you,
Speaker 3: and I'm about to go to Brazil for a month,
Speaker 3: worst place you want you and new boyfriend to go.
Speaker 3: But he was like, I'm going to Brazil. I got
Speaker 3: to tell you now. And I was like, I think
Speaker 3: I like you too. And then and it was like
Speaker 3: and Hamish, he was gandhi like he was being the
Speaker 3: change you wished to see. He never talked, he never
Speaker 3: said you should read this book, you should do this.
Speaker 3: He was just being the work, the example, calm centered
Speaker 3: breath work, meditation on his shit. And I was just like, man,
Speaker 3: why is this man so calm and amazing? And I
Speaker 3: would just get drunk, throw plates, just being crazy and
Speaker 3: oh my god. Yeah, I don't know if I could
Speaker 3: do it with this crazy Puerto Rican lady, but I would.
Speaker 3: I would try again and I would mess right yeah.
Speaker 3: But then he would see me like, you know a
Speaker 3: lot of people say yea yea yeah, I'm gonna do
Speaker 3: the work, and it's lip service. I was doing the work.
Speaker 3: I was messing up. I was apologizing and doing it again.
Speaker 3: So I had a podcast recently that I did called
Speaker 3: people Can Change Because hear me when I tell you,
Speaker 3: he did not give up on me, and I was
Speaker 3: being a piece of shit at the time, but I
Speaker 3: was trying, and so his belief in me while also
Speaker 3: being guarded and going I'm gonna give you a few
Speaker 3: more chances. And I just needed a little bit more patience,
Speaker 3: a little bit more love, a little bit more support.
Speaker 3: And then twelve months later I kept doing the work.
Speaker 3: Twelve months later I was like, all right, Hamish, catch
Speaker 3: up and he was like, damn, you just surpassed me
Speaker 3: with the work. Like I just was. I was at
Speaker 3: his level.
Speaker 2: I was like, let's go, Wow, so you've done a
Speaker 2: complete free sixty. And by the sounds of it, you know,
Speaker 2: with Hamish, you know you said he didn't give up
Speaker 2: on you, it means that he just you know that
Speaker 2: that love that we spoke about, he gave you that
Speaker 2: no matter who you were, what you've done. And then
Speaker 2: ultimately you must there must have been a point where
Speaker 2: you sort of surrendered to that. You know, Yeah, we
Speaker 2: went through a moment and then boom, a new lease
Speaker 2: of life. Right, You've got love that you've craved always,
Speaker 2: all that respect that you've craved always in a good
Speaker 2: man that treats you well, that is calm, that looks
Speaker 2: after himself, and that role model that you've never had
Speaker 2: in your life.
Speaker 3: Yes, and you know how you said, Like, I feel
Speaker 3: like I was attracting and I talk about this in
Speaker 3: my book. I was attracting from lack. So I believed
Speaker 3: I was a piece of shit. I believe that was broken.
Speaker 3: I believe something was wrong with me. So I was
Speaker 3: looking outside of myself for people to validate me. Tell
Speaker 3: me I'm pretty, look at my photos, like me, love me?
Speaker 3: What do you need me to do? So I would
Speaker 3: code switch to be whoever I was, Princess Jasmine. When
Speaker 3: I came to Melbourne to date that guy, I was
Speaker 3: literally like hair extensions, cardigans from Country Road, Like I
Speaker 3: don't wear that, That's not my vibe. I would never
Speaker 3: wear hoops. So I was like, hold on, I could
Speaker 3: be who I am. And Hamish was the first man
Speaker 3: that I told my whole story to and he was like, whoa,
Speaker 3: You're amazing And I was like wait, what, Like you
Speaker 3: don't think I'm broken or messed up? He was like, no,
Speaker 3: you're amazing, that's amazing, and I was like what, Like
Speaker 3: I was so like, can't compute, Like I was just
Speaker 3: like I was used to people being like oh, you're
Speaker 3: messed up. You got to clean up your past. Anyway,
Speaker 3: he was amazing, so because he could see in me
Speaker 3: what I couldn't see, and he held that greatness in me.
Speaker 3: He held me to that. So when I would mess up,
Speaker 3: he'd be like, this is who you are. I know you.
Speaker 3: And I was like, shit, this is who I am.
Speaker 3: And so I would always want to rise to my
Speaker 3: standard of who he could see me and he could
Speaker 3: see someone I didn't know I was. And then when
Speaker 3: I got that, I was just like, oh my goodness,
Speaker 3: Like it was the best thing. Because I spent the
Speaker 3: next eight years and healing. I didn't care about anyone.
Speaker 3: I didn't want to help. I didn't want to.
Speaker 2: Become a coach.
Speaker 3: You know these coaches that they join your coaching program.
Speaker 3: Three months later they're like, I'm gonna coach people. I'm like, girl,
Speaker 3: you just got into your stuff. Why don't you keep doing?
Speaker 3: Like keep doing your work? Is fully in my work
Speaker 3: eight years and that's when I was like, Okay, I
Speaker 3: want to help people. And now I yell at women,
Speaker 3: especially women, to back themselves, and I'm like, don't tell
Speaker 3: me you can't, because look at my exhibit A. Don't
Speaker 3: tell me you can't. It's that you will exhibit Exhibit Australia,
Speaker 3: Exhibit America, but like, you won't do it. It's not that
Speaker 3: you can't do it, but you won't do it. So
Speaker 3: then I'm like become this little loving bitch slap giver
Speaker 3: to remind them that they're the ones that they need
Speaker 3: to overcome. It's not the patriarchy, it's not the pay gap,
Speaker 3: it's not this bullshit. It's you, like, look in the mirror.
Speaker 3: It's you overcome that person. You can have whatever you want,
Speaker 3: doesn't matter what happened to you in your past. You
Speaker 3: make it. It makes you, It doesn't break you.
Speaker 2: You know, Yeah, do you know what's it's so powerful
Speaker 2: to hear that? You know, just the war truth of
Speaker 2: everything starts with you. Take a look at yourself. What
Speaker 2: a message to have, and I love the way you
Speaker 2: deliver it as well. It's just it's war. It's passionate
Speaker 2: and you've got a book. You're becoming magnetic And when
Speaker 2: did you like that?
Speaker 3: So that was this year. It came out January fourteenth,
Speaker 3: twenty twenty five. It's actually coming out in the UK
Speaker 3: in May. So attracting, right, attracting, what you want and
Speaker 3: stop repelling, especially single people. We repel what we desire.
Speaker 3: I repelled Hamish. I was not attracting him, and so
Speaker 3: thankfully I figured that out along the way. And I
Speaker 3: never thought I was a magnetic person, but now I
Speaker 3: look at my life, I'm like, of course I am.
Speaker 3: I made friends with the uber driver five minutes before
Speaker 3: getting here, Like, I talked to everyone and I think
Speaker 3: magnetism is it's about your energy and who you're being
Speaker 3: and when you walk in a room, what do I feel?
Speaker 3: Because we all love that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, listen, you are. I could feel your energy and
Speaker 2: your magnetism through the screen. So thank you. Put a
Speaker 2: smile on my face. You've you've topped me up with positivity.
Speaker 2: So thank you ever so much, Erica, your staff, thank
Speaker 2: you so much much love.
Speaker 3: Thank you, my love.
Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to this episode of head Game. If
Speaker 2: you enjoyed it, please leave me a review. I'm at Middleton,
Speaker 2: See you next time.