WEBVTT - Erika Cramer on Turning Her Life Around, From Rock Bottom to 7 Figures 0:00:00.280 --> 0:00:03.360 We'd like to acknowledge that traditional custodians of the land 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:06.800 on which this podcast was produced, the Gadigle people of 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:10.440 the Orination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present. 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:15.800 This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, violence, and 0:00:15.960 --> 0:00:18.880 mental ill health. If any of these topics are triggering 0:00:18.960 --> 0:00:22.040 for you, please give this episode a miss or. Support 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:24.439 is available through the links and phone numbers in the 0:00:24.480 --> 0:00:25.080 show notes. 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:29.840 It's two thousand and seven and we're in the emergency 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:34.879 room of the Orlando Regional Medical Center. Twenty three year 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:38.760 old Erika Kramer's eyes are just opening to the feeling 0:00:38.840 --> 0:00:44.159 of cold scissors sliding against earth eighs. She's surrounded by 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:48.920 a medical team cutting off her genes. In the chaos, 0:00:49.240 --> 0:00:53.160 she hears her husband screaming and arguing with hospital staff. 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:56.720 A doctor tells her that she's lucky to be alive 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:01.240 after the accident, but Erika has has no idea what 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:05.760 accident she's talking about. She starts trying to piece together 0:01:05.920 --> 0:01:11.120 the night before a nightclub free drinks and getting into 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:15.080 a car. She's in the backseat, her husband and her 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:20.160 friend in the front. They're all lucky to be alive 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:25.160 this time. But twelve months later they won't have the 0:01:25.240 --> 0:01:32.840 same luck. I'm Att Middleton and this is Headgame Today. 0:01:33.360 --> 0:01:44.200 Erika Kramer on rebuilding herself from rock bottom. Eerka, you 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:48.440 are known as the Queen of Confidence and you have 0:01:50.000 --> 0:01:55.600 an award winning podcast as well, the Confidence Chronicles. Now 0:01:55.760 --> 0:01:59.000 you haven't always been the Queen of confidence? 0:01:59.040 --> 0:01:59.280 Have you? 0:01:59.400 --> 0:02:05.720 Because your story is one of wow. Talk about having 0:02:05.760 --> 0:02:10.400 to survive, talk about having to become your own person, 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:14.600 talk about having to really dig deep in finding out 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:19.360 who the true you is. Take me back to your 0:02:19.520 --> 0:02:22.480 first ever memory, Erica. 0:02:23.480 --> 0:02:25.200 You know what's so crazy? And I went back to 0:02:25.240 --> 0:02:28.160 the States last year because my mom was sick, and 0:02:28.400 --> 0:02:30.800 I drove by a foster home that I used to 0:02:30.840 --> 0:02:34.680 live in, and nostalgia is so we don't talk about 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:36.960 it enough, Like you need to heal from the nostalgia 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:39.639 because it was so hard hitting. It was a foster 0:02:39.720 --> 0:02:41.720 care that I first went to when I was two 0:02:41.760 --> 0:02:45.360 years old, and I knocked on the door and I 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:47.680 was like, Hi, this is weird. I used to live here. 0:02:47.760 --> 0:02:50.360 The lady was like the loveliest lady. She let me 0:02:50.360 --> 0:02:53.799 into the house and the stairs. I remember being two 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:56.360 years old holding onto the stairs and the stairs are nothing. 0:02:56.400 --> 0:02:58.080 If you see the stairs, you're like big deal Erica, 0:02:58.120 --> 0:03:00.919 what's so cool about these stairs? But I was watching 0:03:01.040 --> 0:03:03.760 the stairs from above, going, oh my god. I could 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:06.160 remember my two year old self holding the stairs, crying. 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.720 And I know many people don't remember two or three, 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.960 but I remember because it was such a traumatic moment that, 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:14.800 you know, we remember these traumatic moments, like we can't forget. 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:18.000 And I was in foster care because my mom had 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.640 come into my room. My mom was bipolar. Unfortunately, she 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:24.400 struggled with mental illness all my life. My dad left 0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:26.359 when I was two, so she was a single mother. 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.120 I got two kids, and my husband is fully helpful. 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:32.880 I can't imagine being a single mother and also struggling 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:36.520 with bipolar when mental health wasn't really I mean, we 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:39.000 still don't talk about it enough or know about it. 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:43.120 Imagine back in eighty three, right, So, she I was sleeping, 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:45.240 It was like two am, three am. I was sleeping, 0:03:45.320 --> 0:03:48.640 and she opened the door started yelling and screaming, so 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:50.520 like I just remember the door opening, the light from 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:52.440 the hallway coming in, and her jumping on me and 0:03:52.480 --> 0:03:55.120 she just slapped me until like I was bleeding, and 0:03:55.200 --> 0:03:56.800 I was like two years old, and one of my 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:59.040 lips is actually I think it's this side. It's still bigger, 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:03.040 like it weld so much that like it's changed my lips. 0:04:03.080 --> 0:04:05.120 And they took me, they took me away, they put 0:04:05.120 --> 0:04:07.440 me on a foster home, and that was my memory. 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:09.040 I was like holding on to those stairs like I 0:04:09.040 --> 0:04:10.560 didn't want to be there. I wanted to be back 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:12.280 with my mom, because kids don't know even if you 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:13.880 beat your child when they're little, they want to be 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:16.800 back with you. And so that was my first real 0:04:16.880 --> 0:04:20.480 memory of life and how life kind of started off 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:21.320 for me as a kid. 0:04:22.000 --> 0:04:25.200 And you say that your father wasn't present. He left 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:27.880 when you were two years old. Do you remember any 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:30.960 slight presence of your father or completely. 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:34.400 Nothing, nothing at all until I was like I was 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:36.320 like five, and I would go out and I looked 0:04:36.400 --> 0:04:39.839 just like my dad. Aunt like like just like my dad. 0:04:40.040 --> 0:04:42.040 I'm very much like my dad, and so people will 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:43.880 be like, oh, you look like Angel, and I'm like, 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:45.960 shut up, I don't want to look like him. And 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:48.480 I remember scratching his photo. But my mom always was like, 0:04:48.720 --> 0:04:51.080 he's your dad. She never spoke badly about him, which 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:53.200 was kind of cool to see my mom not ever 0:04:53.320 --> 0:04:55.800 thrash my dad in front of me and allow me 0:04:55.960 --> 0:04:58.200 to make my own opinion of him, you know. 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:03.680 Yeah, so yeah, So when your mother had bipolar? How 0:05:03.720 --> 0:05:06.799 did that work with social services? How did that work 0:05:06.880 --> 0:05:11.359 with school? How did that work throughout your younger childhood? 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:13.800 What was your routine? Were you just in and out 0:05:13.800 --> 0:05:16.600 of care? Were you at school or two? How did 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:17.039 that work? 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:19.800 It was really wild. So from two years old until 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.080 I was sixteen, I was in and out of foster homes. 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:24.920 I went to every school in my town, every school, 0:05:24.920 --> 0:05:28.279 every middle school, elementary school, and high school. I attended 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:31.880 so she would be good. I think Wayne Dyer talks 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:34.120 about this. He was a foster kid as well, and 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:36.040 I remember Wayne Dyer is the only person I've ever 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:38.239 heard say I loved it. I loved being in foster 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:40.960 homes and as a little kid, I love people and 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:43.520 I will go up to strangers, like my team knows. 0:05:43.560 --> 0:05:45.520 I talked to everybody, the Uber driver, I make friends 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.480 with everybody. My husband's like, shut up, stop talking to everyone. 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:51.360 So like, I'm pretty sure being a foster kid made 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:54.719 me like a community human being lover right, But they 0:05:54.760 --> 0:05:56.760 don't talk about the dark side. And so I think 0:05:56.800 --> 0:06:00.720 that when I was five year years old, I went 0:06:00.760 --> 0:06:03.720 into foster care, like for a long time, and I 0:06:03.760 --> 0:06:06.360 think that that I don't know, it just created this. 0:06:07.320 --> 0:06:09.240 It was fun, it was exciting. I would be with 0:06:09.279 --> 0:06:11.240 other kids. I wasn't really missing my mom because I 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:13.560 loved being with other kids. But when I became like 0:06:13.680 --> 0:06:16.680 nine years old, I started to realize, oh, she's not good. 0:06:17.000 --> 0:06:19.039 Oh I think she's getting sick. And it would take 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:21.680 my mom three days and so she would stop her 0:06:21.720 --> 0:06:23.960 meds because it would make her gain weight. And so 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:26.279 she had this yo yo going on, right. 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.880 And this is all due to the bipolar right, bipolar. 0:06:28.960 --> 0:06:31.040 Yeah, so she because it makes you like retain water. 0:06:31.080 --> 0:06:33.320 You know all the side effects of drugs, right. And 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.680 there was no mindfulness, meditation, there was no therapy back then. 0:06:36.720 --> 0:06:39.640 It was like your crazy air quotes. Take all these drugs. 0:06:39.640 --> 0:06:42.599 And so fifteen pills a day she would take, and 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:45.440 she would feel good, and then she would go, I'm 0:06:45.440 --> 0:06:47.719 going to stop taking them because I do have for 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:49.680 my mother the look like I like my hair to 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:51.520 look good. I dress up for no reason, just because 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.080 I want to feel good. So she would really worry 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.239 about her vanity and how she looked. She would stop 0:06:56.240 --> 0:06:59.719 her meds, and three days of her stopping her lithium 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:04.320 and all her medication, she would be wild'n out. In 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:07.680 her younger years she would be so abusive and paranoid 0:07:07.720 --> 0:07:10.280 and like manic. And she wasn't until she got older 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:12.760 that the depression side of the manic depression came in. 0:07:13.160 --> 0:07:15.760 So it was hectic. It was very like is she okay? 0:07:16.200 --> 0:07:19.240 Are we good? Oh? Like that kind of on edge 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:22.120 all the time. And I sucked at school. I was 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:25.440 always in detention. I was an angry kid, beating people up. 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.800 And when you say you sucked to school, it obviously 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:33.600 affected you. Were you a cheeky kid or did the 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:36.880 abuse or of rubble on you and you'd be abusive 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:39.200 towards other kids or teachers. 0:07:39.480 --> 0:07:42.240 That's such a good insight. That's a good insight. And obviously, 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:45.320 from person to person you understand this, right, you can't 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:48.000 not become. And so when I see a killer or 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:51.160 a murderer or an abuser, I have so I don't agree, 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:54.040 but I understand them so much because of my own abuse, 0:07:54.160 --> 0:07:59.040 like the abused abuse. It's unfortunate, but it happens, and 0:07:59.080 --> 0:08:02.040 so at five years old, I was sexually abused in 0:08:02.080 --> 0:08:04.080 the foster home I was living in. And that's when 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:08.520 my my light, the joyful, energetic baby girl that I was, 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:13.120 she died. It was like darkness, sadness, shame, just like 0:08:13.160 --> 0:08:15.440 a cloud went over me. And from that moment on, 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:19.240 the sparkle died down. And I feel like I chose anger. 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:24.200 Some kids choose to introvert and become really depressed and 0:08:24.320 --> 0:08:27.160 become you know, the emo, and they're quiet and they're like, oh, 0:08:27.160 --> 0:08:30.280 I hate the world. I was like I was a warrior. 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:32.320 So I was like fighting the kids for making fun 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:33.840 of my mom who was sick, and she would like 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:35.480 take her clothes off and walk down the street and 0:08:35.480 --> 0:08:37.760 I'd be like, oh my god, mom, you're naked walking 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:39.160 down the street. Like I'm going to pay for that 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:41.600 on the playground. So like I was the fighter, I 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.400 was like shut up and fighting with people. So I 0:08:43.520 --> 0:08:46.520 fought with everyone and I used anger and I was 0:08:46.840 --> 0:08:49.680 remember as a kid, I was physically hit. So I 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:52.840 learned that that's how you expressed your emotions. Because our 0:08:52.920 --> 0:08:55.880 kids don't listen to what we say. They model who 0:08:55.920 --> 0:08:59.120 we are being. That's what I did. So I wasn't 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:01.800 like a bully, but I was pissed off. I have 0:09:01.960 --> 0:09:03.760 was like the little shit. I had a chip on 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:06.000 my shoulder and I really wanted to mess up the 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:09.600 world and get everybody back for what was happening to me. 0:09:09.640 --> 0:09:12.520 I was fully in victim mode, but aggressively in my 0:09:12.600 --> 0:09:13.320 victim mode. 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:17.240 Where did you get your love from? 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:19.720 Yeah, well I think I was looking for attention. I 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:21.960 wanted to be seen. I wanted to be chosen because 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:24.520 my dad left, which means you're not good enough to 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:28.120 stay for, you know, subconsciously, and my mom left me 0:09:28.480 --> 0:09:30.360 and I go to foster homes. I had family aunt 0:09:30.400 --> 0:09:32.160 that was around the corner and they had kids, and 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:35.000 now as a parent myself, maybe my uncles couldn't take me. 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:37.520 But at that time, as a kid, you just think 0:09:37.600 --> 0:09:40.360 more rejection. You're not good enough to be taken. So 0:09:40.400 --> 0:09:43.640 then the state takes you, like the social worker takes 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.160 you like you're so bad that nobody wants you. So 0:09:46.240 --> 0:09:49.280 that's what I got. So then I had sexual abuse 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:51.400 again at nine years old my mom's boyfriend. 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:55.720 So you're jumping in and out with social care, you're 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:57.679 spending you don't know how long you're going to spend 0:09:57.720 --> 0:09:59.080 and then all of a sudden they chuck you back 0:09:59.080 --> 0:09:59.600 to your mom. 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:04.920 It was that cycle a wild Wow, that is it 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:08.480 was wild, I know. And then like she got a 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:11.080 boyfriend when I was seven, and he was lovely, the 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:12.640 only guy in my life that my mom had that 0:10:12.760 --> 0:10:16.520 was safe. And we went to Puerto Rico, where my 0:10:16.520 --> 0:10:19.760 family's from Puerto Rico, and we went there and my 0:10:19.840 --> 0:10:22.280 mom didn't take enough meds for the two week holiday, 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:24.840 so she got into a fight with him. She got 0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:28.040 me in the car. She's driving it's raining. My mom 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:30.480 also had abuse from her past, because you know, you 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:33.360 hand that shit down, So she had abuse, and she 0:10:33.559 --> 0:10:36.040 was thinking somebody was chasing us. So she was driving 0:10:36.080 --> 0:10:38.439 really fast in the rain in the mountains of Carolina 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:41.679 and Puerto Rico, and we crashed into this massive tree, 0:10:41.720 --> 0:10:44.840 flipped the car. This is just crazy, like that in itself, 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:46.840 I can't even believe we went through that. That's just 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:50.280 like its own lifestyle TV show. It's wild. But we 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:53.360 came out of that only to realize that my mom 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:57.760 had so much worry about men and fear. She was 0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:00.000 just fear based and it was from her past. Experience, 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:02.920 and this guy really fought for me to keep me 0:11:03.120 --> 0:11:04.480 because they took her away. They put her in the 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:06.959 hospital in America. So I sent her back home and 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.559 my dad ended up taking me. So my dad, who 0:11:09.600 --> 0:11:12.240 had left me at two, kind of like kidnapped me, 0:11:12.360 --> 0:11:14.480 slashed saved me from my mom. 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.120 WHOA wait, I know, so wait, let me just let 0:11:18.120 --> 0:11:22.560 me just recapture this. So you get in a car 0:11:22.600 --> 0:11:29.600 crash and you're you sort of in hospital and the 0:11:29.679 --> 0:11:32.160 only care and now that you have is all of 0:11:32.200 --> 0:11:34.400 a sudden, your dad reappears. 0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:37.640 We weren't even in hospital. We crashed, and my mom 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:41.120 left the scene of the crash, walked for three days 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:43.600 and three nights. We slept in patios, we slept in bushes, 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:46.720 we slept in some people's cars. The police found us, 0:11:46.800 --> 0:11:49.000 She's like, we'll be right back. She ran from the cops, 0:11:49.320 --> 0:11:51.960 and then my dad heard about it through family and 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:53.760 then he kind of for me. In my first book, 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:55.720 I was like my dad kidnapped me because he genuinely 0:11:55.760 --> 0:11:57.240 took me away from my mom on force. 0:11:57.360 --> 0:11:57.520 Yeah. 0:11:57.960 --> 0:11:59.839 But twenty years later my dad came to Australia and 0:12:00.160 --> 0:12:02.240 a reconnection and he said I was trying to help 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:03.559 you because your mom was going to kill you. And 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:05.040 I was like, oh my god, I can't tell anyone 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:08.200 that he kidnapped because my dad was trying to rescue 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:10.880 me from my mother who was not well. And so 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:14.319 I didn't I saw his face because I used to 0:12:14.320 --> 0:12:17.240 scratch his face in photos, and I didn't know Spanish, 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:19.200 and I'm like, and I'm pretty sure I called him 0:12:19.200 --> 0:12:22.560 a bunch of bad words in English. And I was 0:12:22.559 --> 0:12:24.600 there for a year, but ant that's where I learned Spanish, 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:26.480 That's where I learned about my Puerto Rican culture, That's 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:29.040 where I learned about my salsage, my music. So it 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:32.080 was a gift but also a blessing and also horrible. 0:12:32.520 --> 0:12:34.440 And then he sent me back after twelve months to 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.880 be with her, only to jump back into the same thing, 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:39.800 and then you know, same cycle. Then she gets a 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:43.000 boyfriend who molested me at nine years old, and that's 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:46.200 when I started to realize, oh, this is really like 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:49.360 she's tripping, Like I do believe. I know some people 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.400 mean well, but like I am happy that they took 0:12:51.400 --> 0:12:53.800 me away from her, because like it's dangerous. She didn't 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:55.560 mean to do that to me, Bless her heart, but like, 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:57.800 I don't know how I'm here, like I should be 0:12:57.800 --> 0:12:59.880 dead multiple times, and the fact that I'm here is 0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:01.920 a blessing in itself. 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:13.720 And are you starting to feel resentment towards your mom 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:14.400 at this stage? 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:18.280 Yeah, well I think I with that abuse. My mom 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:20.320 when I was five told me about like my private 0:13:20.360 --> 0:13:22.320 areas and to always talk to her. And I speak 0:13:22.320 --> 0:13:24.839 to many women and my coaching that don't tell anyone 0:13:24.880 --> 0:13:27.480 about their abuse, right, And so my mom told me, 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:30.120 if somebody touches you, tell me. So she opened that 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:32.400 communication so I would always tell her. And I told 0:13:32.400 --> 0:13:34.680 her when this happened to me, and she didn't believe me. 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:37.719 And then it happened again and I told her, no, 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.000 this happened. She kicked him out, and she believed me. 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:42.439 And the day that she didn't believe me, after years 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:45.240 of telling me, if anybody does this, tell me, I 0:13:45.320 --> 0:13:47.560 kind of lost my trust with my mother. I was like, oh, 0:13:47.559 --> 0:13:51.360 and her well being not my sick mother, my mother 0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:53.439 who's on her meds, And well, I was like, oh, 0:13:53.480 --> 0:13:56.760 you didn't believe me, like so crazy. So now when 0:13:56.800 --> 0:14:00.000 I speak about confidence, like she attracted a guy because 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:02.080 of her lack of confidence and thinking there was no 0:14:02.080 --> 0:14:04.720 one else out there who was unsafe for her child 0:14:04.800 --> 0:14:07.640 and for herself, and she put up with it knowing 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:09.720 that he wasn't good. So it's so important that we 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:15.240 as women, everybody, anybody listening, are careful about our own traumas. 0:14:15.240 --> 0:14:17.440 If we don't heal, we traut with these people that then, 0:14:17.880 --> 0:14:20.560 you know. So, I think after that, I wasn't resentful, 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:22.480 but I was very like, oh, I got to have 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:24.440 my own back. So I was paying money orders, I 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:26.960 was paying bills, I was calling shots. I was like 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:29.560 a twenty four year old at nine years old. I 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:31.040 was just like, I have to take care of her 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:31.920 because she's tripping. 0:14:32.960 --> 0:14:37.400 Yeah. You know, so you forced to grow up super quick. 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.040 What did your education look like? And did you go 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:40.680 to school too? 0:14:41.320 --> 0:14:43.680 Yeah? So, I it was so funny because I think 0:14:43.720 --> 0:14:45.720 before you asked me, what were you looking for love? 0:14:46.160 --> 0:14:48.800 I feel like I wanted to be feared. I thought 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:52.680 air quotes that fear. If you fear me, then I'm 0:14:52.680 --> 0:14:55.080 going to get respect. That's what I thought. I don't 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:57.520 know how this came to be, but I do think 0:14:57.640 --> 0:15:00.560 kids take you know, kids take different avenues. I'm gonna 0:15:00.560 --> 0:15:05.160 shrink myself become invisible fight flight fawn. I was like fight, fight, fight, fight, 0:15:05.280 --> 0:15:07.040 you know. I was like I'm gonna fight, like come 0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:09.240 and come at me. So I was a lot of 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:10.960 noise and I don't know if I had the bite, 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:13.680 but I was barking, and so that's how I got attention. 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:15.920 So people were kind of scared at school. So I 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:18.080 was like a I was like a cool boy. Like 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:20.040 that's how I would describe myself, like you know, the 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.080 cool boy in class. It's like kind of sexy and 0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:24.200 everyone's like, oh my god, and like can you do 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:25.920 my homework for me? And the girls are like yes. 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:27.960 So I just had all these girls that were good 0:15:27.960 --> 0:15:29.360 girls and I was like, yo, can you do my 0:15:29.360 --> 0:15:30.680 homework for me? Or I'm gonna beat you up? And 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:33.200 they were like cool. So like I kind of used 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.320 so bad. I told my kids and they're like really, Mommy, 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:39.000 I'm like, yeah, don't do that. Mommy was in pain, okay, 0:15:40.160 --> 0:15:43.240 But like I used my I feel like I used 0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:47.960 my charisma and my you know, my sassiness, my cheekiness, 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:48.280 as you. 0:15:48.200 --> 0:15:51.840 Say, use what you knew. 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:54.120 Yeah, And I grew up in the hood, so it 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:55.920 was it was, you know, you had to be like, 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:58.360 I don't know, I think there's a song money power 0:15:58.400 --> 0:16:01.120 respect and so rap music was really big. Hood music 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:02.920 was really big. So I was like, yup, so I'm 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.480 gonna like I wore size forty waist jeans and like 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:09.000 Fila T shirts and like bandanas, and I was like eh, 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:12.240 And so that was my what was I gonna do 0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:14.400 to somebody? I weighed nothing, but I was trying to 0:16:15.000 --> 0:16:17.600 get bigger internally because I felt so small. And that 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:22.040 worked at a certain time, but my grades, as you 0:16:22.080 --> 0:16:24.600 would imagine, my grades really suffered, and so I had 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:27.560 to start to get my shit together and I went 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:29.960 to an alternative high school that was that was the limit, 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:32.080 Like I'm a person that has to go to the edge, 0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:34.440 like eleven and a half the merit points and I'll 0:16:34.480 --> 0:16:37.160 stop speeding. Okay, no worries, I got you. So I'm 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:40.720 like the edge person, right. So I'm at this alternative 0:16:40.800 --> 0:16:45.880 high school where literally no disrespect, but everyone's pregnant, drug dealers, 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:49.640 like court cases like these are like really like not 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:52.000 bad kids, but you know, bad kids, And I'm like 0:16:52.160 --> 0:16:53.760 I don't have any of that. Why am I here? 0:16:54.160 --> 0:16:56.000 And I realized I don't want to graduate from this 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.360 alternative high school. I have to get myself out of here. 0:16:58.360 --> 0:17:01.000 We're literally coloring maps and we're in grade eleven or twelve. 0:17:01.440 --> 0:17:04.160 So I got out of that school, got my stuff together, 0:17:04.560 --> 0:17:06.560 tried to get mentorship. I had a big sister. I 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:08.320 don't know if you guys have that program like big brother, 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:11.960 big sister, but it's like a mentoring program. And I 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:14.439 had this lady who she helped me. She was the 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:16.840 only person I really had because I didn't have role models, 0:17:17.040 --> 0:17:18.760 and she just kind of kept me in check and 0:17:18.800 --> 0:17:21.119 I could trust her. And I think it was because 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:24.080 of her that I actually graduated high school. And my 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:26.480 teachers that would knock on my door and take me 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:28.080 to school like Erica, come on, you got to get 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:31.040 to school. So I was that kid, but it helped 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:32.880 because I got to graduate, which was amazing. 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:36.760 Yeah, it sounds like you're, you know, huge defense mechanisms. 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:40.720 You know that wasn't wasn't you at all? How were 0:17:40.760 --> 0:17:44.160 your relationships through through your sort of early teens going 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.960 into later teens? Were they very stand off Fisher? You know, 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:51.679 did you have any boyfriends or was it you know, 0:17:51.680 --> 0:17:52.679 how did that go? 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:56.360 I had one boyfriend and he was really lovely and 0:17:57.520 --> 0:18:00.200 it was very innocent, and I there was some that 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:02.080 my cousin said to me, my older cousin, and he 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:04.600 said to me, and this is so cliche, but I 0:18:04.640 --> 0:18:06.080 don't care. I'm going to say it. Like he was like, 0:18:06.160 --> 0:18:09.080 stay a virgin until as long as you can just 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:11.879 stay a virgin, Erica, you'll have all the power. And 0:18:11.960 --> 0:18:14.159 I just heard you'll have all the power. So I 0:18:14.200 --> 0:18:17.000 was like, okay, okay, I even like and I remember 0:18:17.000 --> 0:18:19.359 I didn't mess with boys for some reason, and I 0:18:19.359 --> 0:18:21.760 don't know how, but I had no mom at my house. 0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:23.880 I had the keys to my house, I had access 0:18:23.920 --> 0:18:26.360 to her like Centerlink and her money, so I could 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:29.919 have just went crazy doing house parties, drinking drugs for 0:18:30.000 --> 0:18:34.359 whatever reason. This responsibility kicked in and I was paying 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:36.120 bills and I was going, you know, I was trying 0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:38.320 to keep so I didn't have sex with anyone, go crazy, 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:40.800 do any of that until I moved to Australia. Anyway, 0:18:40.960 --> 0:18:43.960 while that later and I stayed. I swear my cousin. 0:18:44.000 --> 0:18:46.480 You know, sometimes you get these people that come into 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:48.960 your life and they're they're here to tell you something 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:51.320 and you're ready to hear it. I'm happy I heard 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:52.760 that because I can't imagine. 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:57.199 Yeah, yeah, your mind is obe you're ready to do that. 0:18:57.680 --> 0:18:59.000 Yeah, And I wanted to graduate. 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:00.600 Yes, you graduate. 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:02.919 I did by like a hair. I just was so 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:06.399