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Speaker 1: We'd like to acknowledge that traditional custodians of the land

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Speaker 1: on which this podcast was produced, the Gadigle people of

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Speaker 1: the Orination. We pay our respects to Elder's past and present.

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Speaker 1: This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, violence, and

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Speaker 1: mental ill health. If any of these topics are triggering

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Speaker 1: for you, please give this episode a miss or. Support

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Speaker 1: is available through the links and phone numbers in the

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Speaker 1: show notes.

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Speaker 2: It's two thousand and seven and we're in the emergency

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Speaker 2: room of the Orlando Regional Medical Center. Twenty three year

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Speaker 2: old Erika Kramer's eyes are just opening to the feeling

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Speaker 2: of cold scissors sliding against earth eighs. She's surrounded by

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Speaker 2: a medical team cutting off her genes. In the chaos,

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Speaker 2: she hears her husband screaming and arguing with hospital staff.

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Speaker 2: A doctor tells her that she's lucky to be alive

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Speaker 2: after the accident, but Erika has has no idea what

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Speaker 2: accident she's talking about. She starts trying to piece together

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Speaker 2: the night before a nightclub free drinks and getting into

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Speaker 2: a car. She's in the backseat, her husband and her

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Speaker 2: friend in the front. They're all lucky to be alive

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Speaker 2: this time. But twelve months later they won't have the

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Speaker 2: same luck. I'm Att Middleton and this is Headgame Today.

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Speaker 2: Erika Kramer on rebuilding herself from rock bottom. Eerka, you

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Speaker 2: are known as the Queen of Confidence and you have

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Speaker 2: an award winning podcast as well, the Confidence Chronicles. Now

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Speaker 2: you haven't always been the Queen of confidence?

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Speaker 3: Have you?

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Speaker 2: Because your story is one of wow. Talk about having

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Speaker 2: to survive, talk about having to become your own person,

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Speaker 2: talk about having to really dig deep in finding out

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Speaker 2: who the true you is. Take me back to your

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Speaker 2: first ever memory, Erica.

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Speaker 3: You know what's so crazy? And I went back to

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Speaker 3: the States last year because my mom was sick, and

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Speaker 3: I drove by a foster home that I used to

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Speaker 3: live in, and nostalgia is so we don't talk about

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Speaker 3: it enough, Like you need to heal from the nostalgia

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Speaker 3: because it was so hard hitting. It was a foster

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Speaker 3: care that I first went to when I was two

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Speaker 3: years old, and I knocked on the door and I

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Speaker 3: was like, Hi, this is weird. I used to live here.

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Speaker 3: The lady was like the loveliest lady. She let me

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Speaker 3: into the house and the stairs. I remember being two

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Speaker 3: years old holding onto the stairs and the stairs are nothing.

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Speaker 3: If you see the stairs, you're like big deal Erica,

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Speaker 3: what's so cool about these stairs? But I was watching

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Speaker 3: the stairs from above, going, oh my god. I could

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Speaker 3: remember my two year old self holding the stairs, crying.

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Speaker 3: And I know many people don't remember two or three,

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Speaker 3: but I remember because it was such a traumatic moment that,

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Speaker 3: you know, we remember these traumatic moments, like we can't forget.

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Speaker 3: And I was in foster care because my mom had

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Speaker 3: come into my room. My mom was bipolar. Unfortunately, she

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Speaker 3: struggled with mental illness all my life. My dad left

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Speaker 3: when I was two, so she was a single mother.

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Speaker 3: I got two kids, and my husband is fully helpful.

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Speaker 3: I can't imagine being a single mother and also struggling

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Speaker 3: with bipolar when mental health wasn't really I mean, we

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Speaker 3: still don't talk about it enough or know about it.

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Speaker 3: Imagine back in eighty three, right, So, she I was sleeping,

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Speaker 3: It was like two am, three am. I was sleeping,

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Speaker 3: and she opened the door started yelling and screaming, so

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Speaker 3: like I just remember the door opening, the light from

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Speaker 3: the hallway coming in, and her jumping on me and

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Speaker 3: she just slapped me until like I was bleeding, and

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Speaker 3: I was like two years old, and one of my

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Speaker 3: lips is actually I think it's this side. It's still bigger,

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Speaker 3: like it weld so much that like it's changed my lips.

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Speaker 3: And they took me, they took me away, they put

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Speaker 3: me on a foster home, and that was my memory.

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Speaker 3: I was like holding on to those stairs like I

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Speaker 3: didn't want to be there. I wanted to be back

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Speaker 3: with my mom, because kids don't know even if you

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Speaker 3: beat your child when they're little, they want to be

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Speaker 3: back with you. And so that was my first real

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Speaker 3: memory of life and how life kind of started off

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Speaker 3: for me as a kid.

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Speaker 2: And you say that your father wasn't present. He left

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Speaker 2: when you were two years old. Do you remember any

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Speaker 2: slight presence of your father or completely.

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Speaker 3: Nothing, nothing at all until I was like I was

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Speaker 3: like five, and I would go out and I looked

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Speaker 3: just like my dad. Aunt like like just like my dad.

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Speaker 3: I'm very much like my dad, and so people will

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Speaker 3: be like, oh, you look like Angel, and I'm like,

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Speaker 3: shut up, I don't want to look like him. And

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Speaker 3: I remember scratching his photo. But my mom always was like,

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Speaker 3: he's your dad. She never spoke badly about him, which

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Speaker 3: was kind of cool to see my mom not ever

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Speaker 3: thrash my dad in front of me and allow me

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Speaker 3: to make my own opinion of him, you know.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so yeah, So when your mother had bipolar? How

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Speaker 2: did that work with social services? How did that work

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Speaker 2: with school? How did that work throughout your younger childhood?

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Speaker 2: What was your routine? Were you just in and out

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Speaker 2: of care? Were you at school or two? How did

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Speaker 2: that work?

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Speaker 3: It was really wild. So from two years old until

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Speaker 3: I was sixteen, I was in and out of foster homes.

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Speaker 3: I went to every school in my town, every school,

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Speaker 3: every middle school, elementary school, and high school. I attended

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Speaker 3: so she would be good. I think Wayne Dyer talks

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Speaker 3: about this. He was a foster kid as well, and

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Speaker 3: I remember Wayne Dyer is the only person I've ever

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Speaker 3: heard say I loved it. I loved being in foster

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Speaker 3: homes and as a little kid, I love people and

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Speaker 3: I will go up to strangers, like my team knows.

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Speaker 3: I talked to everybody, the Uber driver, I make friends

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Speaker 3: with everybody. My husband's like, shut up, stop talking to everyone.

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Speaker 3: So like, I'm pretty sure being a foster kid made

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Speaker 3: me like a community human being lover right, But they

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Speaker 3: don't talk about the dark side. And so I think

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Speaker 3: that when I was five year years old, I went

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Speaker 3: into foster care, like for a long time, and I

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Speaker 3: think that that I don't know, it just created this.

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Speaker 3: It was fun, it was exciting. I would be with

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Speaker 3: other kids. I wasn't really missing my mom because I

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Speaker 3: loved being with other kids. But when I became like

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Speaker 3: nine years old, I started to realize, oh, she's not good.

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Speaker 3: Oh I think she's getting sick. And it would take

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Speaker 3: my mom three days and so she would stop her

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Speaker 3: meds because it would make her gain weight. And so

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Speaker 3: she had this yo yo going on, right.

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Speaker 2: And this is all due to the bipolar right, bipolar.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so she because it makes you like retain water.

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Speaker 3: You know all the side effects of drugs, right. And

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Speaker 3: there was no mindfulness, meditation, there was no therapy back then.

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Speaker 3: It was like your crazy air quotes. Take all these drugs.

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Speaker 3: And so fifteen pills a day she would take, and

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Speaker 3: she would feel good, and then she would go, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to stop taking them because I do have for

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Speaker 3: my mother the look like I like my hair to

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Speaker 3: look good. I dress up for no reason, just because

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Speaker 3: I want to feel good. So she would really worry

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Speaker 3: about her vanity and how she looked. She would stop

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Speaker 3: her meds, and three days of her stopping her lithium

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Speaker 3: and all her medication, she would be wild'n out. In

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Speaker 3: her younger years she would be so abusive and paranoid

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Speaker 3: and like manic. And she wasn't until she got older

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Speaker 3: that the depression side of the manic depression came in.

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Speaker 3: So it was hectic. It was very like is she okay?

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Speaker 3: Are we good? Oh? Like that kind of on edge

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Speaker 3: all the time. And I sucked at school. I was

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Speaker 3: always in detention. I was an angry kid, beating people up.

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Speaker 2: And when you say you sucked to school, it obviously

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Speaker 2: affected you. Were you a cheeky kid or did the

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Speaker 2: abuse or of rubble on you and you'd be abusive

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Speaker 2: towards other kids or teachers.

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Speaker 3: That's such a good insight. That's a good insight. And obviously,

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Speaker 3: from person to person you understand this, right, you can't

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Speaker 3: not become. And so when I see a killer or

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Speaker 3: a murderer or an abuser, I have so I don't agree,

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Speaker 3: but I understand them so much because of my own abuse,

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Speaker 3: like the abused abuse. It's unfortunate, but it happens, and

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Speaker 3: so at five years old, I was sexually abused in

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Speaker 3: the foster home I was living in. And that's when

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Speaker 3: my my light, the joyful, energetic baby girl that I was,

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Speaker 3: she died. It was like darkness, sadness, shame, just like

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Speaker 3: a cloud went over me. And from that moment on,

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Speaker 3: the sparkle died down. And I feel like I chose anger.

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Speaker 3: Some kids choose to introvert and become really depressed and

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Speaker 3: become you know, the emo, and they're quiet and they're like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I hate the world. I was like I was a warrior.

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Speaker 3: So I was like fighting the kids for making fun

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Speaker 3: of my mom who was sick, and she would like

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Speaker 3: take her clothes off and walk down the street and

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Speaker 3: I'd be like, oh my god, mom, you're naked walking

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Speaker 3: down the street. Like I'm going to pay for that

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Speaker 3: on the playground. So like I was the fighter, I

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Speaker 3: was like shut up and fighting with people. So I

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Speaker 3: fought with everyone and I used anger and I was

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Speaker 3: remember as a kid, I was physically hit. So I

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Speaker 3: learned that that's how you expressed your emotions. Because our

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Speaker 3: kids don't listen to what we say. They model who

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Speaker 3: we are being. That's what I did. So I wasn't

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Speaker 3: like a bully, but I was pissed off. I have

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Speaker 3: was like the little shit. I had a chip on

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Speaker 3: my shoulder and I really wanted to mess up the

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Speaker 3: world and get everybody back for what was happening to me.

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Speaker 3: I was fully in victim mode, but aggressively in my

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Speaker 3: victim mode.

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Speaker 2: Where did you get your love from?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well I think I was looking for attention. I

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Speaker 3: wanted to be seen. I wanted to be chosen because

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Speaker 3: my dad left, which means you're not good enough to

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Speaker 3: stay for, you know, subconsciously, and my mom left me

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Speaker 3: and I go to foster homes. I had family aunt

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Speaker 3: that was around the corner and they had kids, and

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Speaker 3: now as a parent myself, maybe my uncles couldn't take me.

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Speaker 3: But at that time, as a kid, you just think

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Speaker 3: more rejection. You're not good enough to be taken. So

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Speaker 3: then the state takes you, like the social worker takes

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Speaker 3: you like you're so bad that nobody wants you. So

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Speaker 3: that's what I got. So then I had sexual abuse

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Speaker 3: again at nine years old my mom's boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: So you're jumping in and out with social care, you're

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Speaker 2: spending you don't know how long you're going to spend

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Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden they chuck you back

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Speaker 2: to your mom.

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Speaker 3: It was that cycle a wild Wow, that is it

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Speaker 3: was wild, I know. And then like she got a

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Speaker 3: boyfriend when I was seven, and he was lovely, the

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Speaker 3: only guy in my life that my mom had that

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Speaker 3: was safe. And we went to Puerto Rico, where my

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Speaker 3: family's from Puerto Rico, and we went there and my

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Speaker 3: mom didn't take enough meds for the two week holiday,

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Speaker 3: so she got into a fight with him. She got

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Speaker 3: me in the car. She's driving it's raining. My mom

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Speaker 3: also had abuse from her past, because you know, you

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Speaker 3: hand that shit down, So she had abuse, and she

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Speaker 3: was thinking somebody was chasing us. So she was driving

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Speaker 3: really fast in the rain in the mountains of Carolina

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Speaker 3: and Puerto Rico, and we crashed into this massive tree,

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Speaker 3: flipped the car. This is just crazy, like that in itself,

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Speaker 3: I can't even believe we went through that. That's just

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Speaker 3: like its own lifestyle TV show. It's wild. But we

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Speaker 3: came out of that only to realize that my mom

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Speaker 3: had so much worry about men and fear. She was

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Speaker 3: just fear based and it was from her past. Experience,

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Speaker 3: and this guy really fought for me to keep me

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Speaker 3: because they took her away. They put her in the

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Speaker 3: hospital in America. So I sent her back home and

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Speaker 3: my dad ended up taking me. So my dad, who

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Speaker 3: had left me at two, kind of like kidnapped me,

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Speaker 3: slashed saved me from my mom.

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Speaker 2: WHOA wait, I know, so wait, let me just let

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Speaker 2: me just recapture this. So you get in a car

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Speaker 2: crash and you're you sort of in hospital and the

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Speaker 2: only care and now that you have is all of

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Speaker 2: a sudden, your dad reappears.

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Speaker 3: We weren't even in hospital. We crashed, and my mom

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Speaker 3: left the scene of the crash, walked for three days

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Speaker 3: and three nights. We slept in patios, we slept in bushes,

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Speaker 3: we slept in some people's cars. The police found us,

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Speaker 3: She's like, we'll be right back. She ran from the cops,

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Speaker 3: and then my dad heard about it through family and

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Speaker 3: then he kind of for me. In my first book,

238
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Speaker 3: I was like my dad kidnapped me because he genuinely

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Speaker 3: took me away from my mom on force.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

241
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Speaker 3: But twenty years later my dad came to Australia and

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Speaker 3: a reconnection and he said I was trying to help

243
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Speaker 3: you because your mom was going to kill you. And

244
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Speaker 3: I was like, oh my god, I can't tell anyone

245
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Speaker 3: that he kidnapped because my dad was trying to rescue

246
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Speaker 3: me from my mother who was not well. And so

247
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Speaker 3: I didn't I saw his face because I used to

248
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Speaker 3: scratch his face in photos, and I didn't know Spanish,

249
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Speaker 3: and I'm like, and I'm pretty sure I called him

250
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Speaker 3: a bunch of bad words in English. And I was

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Speaker 3: there for a year, but ant that's where I learned Spanish,

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Speaker 3: That's where I learned about my Puerto Rican culture, That's

253
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Speaker 3: where I learned about my salsage, my music. So it

254
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,080
Speaker 3: was a gift but also a blessing and also horrible.

255
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Speaker 3: And then he sent me back after twelve months to

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Speaker 3: be with her, only to jump back into the same thing,

257
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Speaker 3: and then you know, same cycle. Then she gets a

258
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Speaker 3: boyfriend who molested me at nine years old, and that's

259
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Speaker 3: when I started to realize, oh, this is really like

260
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Speaker 3: she's tripping, Like I do believe. I know some people

261
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Speaker 3: mean well, but like I am happy that they took

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Speaker 3: me away from her, because like it's dangerous. She didn't

263
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Speaker 3: mean to do that to me, Bless her heart, but like,

264
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Speaker 3: I don't know how I'm here, like I should be

265
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Speaker 3: dead multiple times, and the fact that I'm here is

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Speaker 3: a blessing in itself.

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Speaker 2: And are you starting to feel resentment towards your mom

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Speaker 2: at this stage?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well I think I with that abuse. My mom

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Speaker 3: when I was five told me about like my private

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Speaker 3: areas and to always talk to her. And I speak

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Speaker 3: to many women and my coaching that don't tell anyone

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Speaker 3: about their abuse, right, And so my mom told me,

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Speaker 3: if somebody touches you, tell me. So she opened that

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Speaker 3: communication so I would always tell her. And I told

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Speaker 3: her when this happened to me, and she didn't believe me.

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Speaker 3: And then it happened again and I told her, no,

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Speaker 3: this happened. She kicked him out, and she believed me.

279
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Speaker 3: And the day that she didn't believe me, after years

280
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Speaker 3: of telling me, if anybody does this, tell me, I

281
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,560
Speaker 3: kind of lost my trust with my mother. I was like, oh,

282
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Speaker 3: and her well being not my sick mother, my mother

283
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Speaker 3: who's on her meds, And well, I was like, oh,

284
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Speaker 3: you didn't believe me, like so crazy. So now when

285
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Speaker 3: I speak about confidence, like she attracted a guy because

286
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,080
Speaker 3: of her lack of confidence and thinking there was no

287
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,720
Speaker 3: one else out there who was unsafe for her child

288
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,640
Speaker 3: and for herself, and she put up with it knowing

289
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,720
Speaker 3: that he wasn't good. So it's so important that we

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00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:15,240
Speaker 3: as women, everybody, anybody listening, are careful about our own traumas.

291
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,440
Speaker 3: If we don't heal, we traut with these people that then,

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Speaker 3: you know. So, I think after that, I wasn't resentful,

293
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Speaker 3: but I was very like, oh, I got to have

294
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,440
Speaker 3: my own back. So I was paying money orders, I

295
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,960
Speaker 3: was paying bills, I was calling shots. I was like

296
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Speaker 3: a twenty four year old at nine years old. I

297
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,040
Speaker 3: was just like, I have to take care of her

298
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Speaker 3: because she's tripping.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. You know, so you forced to grow up super quick.

300
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Speaker 2: What did your education look like? And did you go

301
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Speaker 2: to school too?

302
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,680
Speaker 3: Yeah? So, I it was so funny because I think

303
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,720
Speaker 3: before you asked me, what were you looking for love?

304
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,800
Speaker 3: I feel like I wanted to be feared. I thought

305
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,680
Speaker 3: air quotes that fear. If you fear me, then I'm

306
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,080
Speaker 3: going to get respect. That's what I thought. I don't

307
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,520
Speaker 3: know how this came to be, but I do think

308
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:00,560
Speaker 3: kids take you know, kids take different avenues. I'm gonna

309
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:05,160
Speaker 3: shrink myself become invisible fight flight fawn. I was like fight, fight, fight, fight,

310
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Speaker 3: you know. I was like I'm gonna fight, like come

311
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,240
Speaker 3: and come at me. So I was a lot of

312
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,960
Speaker 3: noise and I don't know if I had the bite,

313
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,680
Speaker 3: but I was barking, and so that's how I got attention.

314
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,920
Speaker 3: So people were kind of scared at school. So I

315
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,080
Speaker 3: was like a I was like a cool boy. Like

316
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,040
Speaker 3: that's how I would describe myself, like you know, the

317
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,080
Speaker 3: cool boy in class. It's like kind of sexy and

318
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,200
Speaker 3: everyone's like, oh my god, and like can you do

319
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,920
Speaker 3: my homework for me? And the girls are like yes.

320
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Speaker 3: So I just had all these girls that were good

321
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,360
Speaker 3: girls and I was like, yo, can you do my

322
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,680
Speaker 3: homework for me? Or I'm gonna beat you up? And

323
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,200
Speaker 3: they were like cool. So like I kind of used

324
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,320
Speaker 3: so bad. I told my kids and they're like really, Mommy,

325
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,000
Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, don't do that. Mommy was in pain, okay,

326
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Speaker 3: But like I used my I feel like I used

327
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Speaker 3: my charisma and my you know, my sassiness, my cheekiness,

328
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Speaker 3: as you.

329
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Speaker 2: Say, use what you knew.

330
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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I grew up in the hood, so it

331
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,920
Speaker 3: was it was, you know, you had to be like,

332
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,360
Speaker 3: I don't know, I think there's a song money power

333
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:01,120
Speaker 3: respect and so rap music was really big. Hood music

334
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:02,920
Speaker 3: was really big. So I was like, yup, so I'm

335
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,480
Speaker 3: gonna like I wore size forty waist jeans and like

336
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,000
Speaker 3: Fila T shirts and like bandanas, and I was like eh,

337
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,240
Speaker 3: And so that was my what was I gonna do

338
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,400
Speaker 3: to somebody? I weighed nothing, but I was trying to

339
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,600
Speaker 3: get bigger internally because I felt so small. And that

340
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:22,040
Speaker 3: worked at a certain time, but my grades, as you

341
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,600
Speaker 3: would imagine, my grades really suffered, and so I had

342
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,560
Speaker 3: to start to get my shit together and I went

343
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,960
Speaker 3: to an alternative high school that was that was the limit,

344
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,080
Speaker 3: Like I'm a person that has to go to the edge,

345
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,440
Speaker 3: like eleven and a half the merit points and I'll

346
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:37,160
Speaker 3: stop speeding. Okay, no worries, I got you. So I'm

347
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,720
Speaker 3: like the edge person, right. So I'm at this alternative

348
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:45,880
Speaker 3: high school where literally no disrespect, but everyone's pregnant, drug dealers,

349
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:49,640
Speaker 3: like court cases like these are like really like not

350
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,000
Speaker 3: bad kids, but you know, bad kids, And I'm like

351
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,760
Speaker 3: I don't have any of that. Why am I here?

352
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,000
Speaker 3: And I realized I don't want to graduate from this

353
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,360
Speaker 3: alternative high school. I have to get myself out of here.

354
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,000
Speaker 3: We're literally coloring maps and we're in grade eleven or twelve.

355
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,160
Speaker 3: So I got out of that school, got my stuff together,

356
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,560
Speaker 3: tried to get mentorship. I had a big sister. I

357
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,320
Speaker 3: don't know if you guys have that program like big brother,

358
00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:11,960
Speaker 3: big sister, but it's like a mentoring program. And I

359
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,439
Speaker 3: had this lady who she helped me. She was the

360
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,840
Speaker 3: only person I really had because I didn't have role models,

361
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,760
Speaker 3: and she just kind of kept me in check and

362
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,119
Speaker 3: I could trust her. And I think it was because

363
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:24,080
Speaker 3: of her that I actually graduated high school. And my

364
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,480
Speaker 3: teachers that would knock on my door and take me

365
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,080
Speaker 3: to school like Erica, come on, you got to get

366
00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:31,040
Speaker 3: to school. So I was that kid, but it helped

367
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,880
Speaker 3: because I got to graduate, which was amazing.

368
00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like you're, you know, huge defense mechanisms.

369
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,720
Speaker 2: You know that wasn't wasn't you at all? How were

370
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,160
Speaker 2: your relationships through through your sort of early teens going

371
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,960
Speaker 2: into later teens? Were they very stand off Fisher? You know,

372
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,679
Speaker 2: did you have any boyfriends or was it you know,

373
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:52,679
Speaker 2: how did that go?

374
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,360
Speaker 3: I had one boyfriend and he was really lovely and

375
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,200
Speaker 3: it was very innocent, and I there was some that

376
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,080
Speaker 3: my cousin said to me, my older cousin, and he

377
00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:04,600
Speaker 3: said to me, and this is so cliche, but I

378
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:06,080
Speaker 3: don't care. I'm going to say it. Like he was like,

379
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,080
Speaker 3: stay a virgin until as long as you can just

380
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,879
Speaker 3: stay a virgin, Erica, you'll have all the power. And

381
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,159
Speaker 3: I just heard you'll have all the power. So I

382
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,000
Speaker 3: was like, okay, okay, I even like and I remember

383
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,359
Speaker 3: I didn't mess with boys for some reason, and I

384
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:21,760
Speaker 3: don't know how, but I had no mom at my house.

385
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,880
Speaker 3: I had the keys to my house, I had access

386
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,360
Speaker 3: to her like Centerlink and her money, so I could

387
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,919
Speaker 3: have just went crazy doing house parties, drinking drugs for

388
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:34,359
Speaker 3: whatever reason. This responsibility kicked in and I was paying

389
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,120
Speaker 3: bills and I was going, you know, I was trying

390
00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,320
Speaker 3: to keep so I didn't have sex with anyone, go crazy,

391
00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:40,800
Speaker 3: do any of that until I moved to Australia. Anyway,

392
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:43,960
Speaker 3: while that later and I stayed. I swear my cousin.

393
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,480
Speaker 3: You know, sometimes you get these people that come into

394
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,960
Speaker 3: your life and they're they're here to tell you something

395
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,320
Speaker 3: and you're ready to hear it. I'm happy I heard

396
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,760
Speaker 3: that because I can't imagine.

397
00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:57,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, your mind is obe you're ready to do that.

398
00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I wanted to graduate.

399
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,600
Speaker 2: Yes, you graduate.

400
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,919
Speaker 3: I did by like a hair. I just was so

401
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,399
Speaker 3: lucky I walked on that field. I graduated. But one

402
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,520
Speaker 3: of the things that happened in school in high school

403
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:11,359
Speaker 3: was in America, in the cafeteria, the people come, like

404
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:16,159
Speaker 3: military comes to your cafeteria. Right, So I'm poor, my

405
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 3: mom is poor, my grades are horrific, and I'm a

406
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,879
Speaker 3: little hood street you know, I need to get slapped

407
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,840
Speaker 3: up because I have no disrespectful all that stuff. And

408
00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:28,439
Speaker 3: then the military come and I'm at this point, I

409
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,119
Speaker 3: wasn't a tomboy anymore because I went through like tomboy phase,

410
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,719
Speaker 3: super tight painted on clothing phase, and I was in

411
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,199
Speaker 3: my girly phase. And they're there and they're doing like

412
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,120
Speaker 3: pull ups and all this, and they're like, if you join,

413
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,720
Speaker 3: the Army will pay you four years of state college free.

414
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,159
Speaker 3: So I was like, oh my god, I sucked at school.

415
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:45,920
Speaker 3: No money. I'm going to go to the army because

416
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,840
Speaker 3: they'll pay for my school. And all my friends were like,

417
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,440
Speaker 3: how are you going to shoot it gun with your nails,

418
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,159
Speaker 3: blah blah blah, and I'm like, you forgot who I was, like,

419
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:54,400
Speaker 3: I was a tomboy, you know, like I'm doing this.

420
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:59,520
Speaker 3: So I at seventeen and signed the paperwork for the military,

421
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:05,680
Speaker 3: and my high school trip was boot camp, and I

422
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,840
Speaker 3: was like, that's my way out, Like I'm not going

423
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:09,240
Speaker 3: to get out of here. And it's so funny. A

424
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,359
Speaker 3: lot of people ask me this. I didn't know, and

425
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,159
Speaker 3: maybe I don't know if you felt like this. I

426
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,640
Speaker 3: didn't know the military was going to give me stability

427
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,439
Speaker 3: and structure and discipline. I didn't know I lacked that.

428
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,320
Speaker 3: I didn't know I was going to need that. But

429
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,560
Speaker 3: my friends are like, I swear subconsciously, number one, you

430
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,919
Speaker 3: wanted to get away from your mother, which I definitely did.

431
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,359
Speaker 3: I wanted to move to the other side of the

432
00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 3: world subconsciously, and I wanted a way out. And so

433
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,200
Speaker 3: the military, obviously, as you know, gives you the structure

434
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,960
Speaker 3: and the discipline, it will slap it out of you.

435
00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:40,199
Speaker 3: So I was not disrespectful anymore after that.

436
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,080
Speaker 2: Joe exactly the same with me. I was brought up

437
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:49,359
Speaker 2: in France and I wanted to get back to the UK,

438
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,800
Speaker 2: and that was one of the excuses that I, you know,

439
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,879
Speaker 2: to join the UK military. That was one of the

440
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,879
Speaker 2: reasons and the excuses that I used. It was, you know,

441
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,560
Speaker 2: I want to get out for answer, I want to

442
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,600
Speaker 2: go back to the UK. Well, guess what, I'm going

443
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 2: to join the military. Didn't think about discipline structure. I

444
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 2: just wanted to challenge, wanted to be self sufficient, wanted

445
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,040
Speaker 2: to be paid a little bit of a wage and

446
00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:15,560
Speaker 2: go and travel the world. So yeah, I completely get

447
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,280
Speaker 2: That's almost like, you know, you wanted to detach yourself

448
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,919
Speaker 2: from yes, from everything you know, and this was a

449
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,000
Speaker 2: prime opportunity. So what do you do? Do you jump

450
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,119
Speaker 2: at it? Do you sign up? And a where you go?

451
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,639
Speaker 2: And are you just like low Manger in it?

452
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,600
Speaker 3: So I signed up. I had a boyfriend at sixteen

453
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,199
Speaker 3: who was my high school sweetheart, Giovanni, and he was

454
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 3: a year ahead of me, and he wanted to join

455
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:39,040
Speaker 3: the Marines and I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that.

456
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,680
Speaker 3: I'm not doing what you did, and that's like that's

457
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,680
Speaker 3: next level. I was just like, I just need to

458
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:45,240
Speaker 3: get out nudge, you know, like I need to get

459
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,320
Speaker 3: out of here. And I can handle the army. I

460
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,200
Speaker 3: can handle the US Army, but he joined the Marine

461
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:54,560
Speaker 3: Corps and he left first. And so my high school,

462
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,000
Speaker 3: you know in Australia they call it schoolies. So my

463
00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,119
Speaker 3: high school senior trip was boot camp, right, and it

464
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,919
Speaker 3: was two thousand and one, and it was September. And

465
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 3: so halfway through boot camp, what happens nine to eleven?

466
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,439
Speaker 3: So they put us in a room, they put the

467
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 3: TV on. I'm like, there's a TV and the second

468
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,680
Speaker 3: tower is getting hit and it just it got real.

469
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:17,400
Speaker 3: I was like, whoa, Like we joined for college everybody

470
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,000
Speaker 3: then in two thousand and one, let me tell you,

471
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,840
Speaker 3: none of those kids joined for that. And my drill sergeants,

472
00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:24,000
Speaker 3: you know the drill instructors, they don't they spit on

473
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,920
Speaker 3: your face, they yell at you. It's a whole show

474
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,119
Speaker 3: that they do. These drill instructors dropped to the ground.

475
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,760
Speaker 3: They were wailing. People were crying and screaming, and I'm like,

476
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,880
Speaker 3: is this like, what the hell is this?

477
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:34,040
Speaker 2: Like?

478
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,520
Speaker 3: What's happening? And it was legit. They had family and

479
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,640
Speaker 3: New York people were crying and then they all got

480
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,840
Speaker 3: their shit together and they were like, you were all

481
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:44,040
Speaker 3: going to war after your deployment, we were like what, Like,

482
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:48,119
Speaker 3: we're just kids that joined for college money. So it

483
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:50,560
Speaker 3: was a wild time. After that, every drill instructor was like,

484
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:52,800
Speaker 3: all right, sergeant. They used to call me sergeant's Batchela

485
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:56,600
Speaker 3: because my maiden name is Supulvida and they couldn't say it, yeah,

486
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,879
Speaker 3: so batchela. Yeah, And they were like, Nick, you know

487
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,920
Speaker 3: that I didn't choose. So I'm like, okay, it's Batchelor

488
00:23:02,119 --> 00:23:03,719
Speaker 3: and they were like make sure. So they were so

489
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,200
Speaker 3: careful with us, which I don't think any I don't

490
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,119
Speaker 3: think many people got that care and love because of

491
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,200
Speaker 3: when we were there. They were like, shit, we're sending

492
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,399
Speaker 3: these kids out to war, so we're going to really

493
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 3: have to like show them. And they cared so much,

494
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,879
Speaker 3: and like the first month they were just yelling at us.

495
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 3: They didn't give a shit. But the second month they

496
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,360
Speaker 3: were like, all right, soldier, you got this, you got

497
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:23,320
Speaker 3: this private and I was like, hold on, yes, I

498
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,040
Speaker 3: think so they would just show you. And the patients came,

499
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,919
Speaker 3: and I think they were knowing that they were going

500
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,280
Speaker 3: to send these all these people off to this we

501
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 3: hadn't had war in our generation like that, you know.

502
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,680
Speaker 3: And so oh and geo's platoon. They got locked down

503
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,480
Speaker 3: and they got sent to Iraq for two years. Like

504
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:42,159
Speaker 3: my marine partner, who's my boyfriend, who then became a

505
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,919
Speaker 3: husband because we had a quick marriage, just so that

506
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,760
Speaker 3: if something happened to him, they would tell me. So

507
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,720
Speaker 3: it just went America just went crazy. That was a

508
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:49,520
Speaker 3: real hectic time.

509
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:52,359
Speaker 2: So Erica, you were what you got married in the

510
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 2: in the interval? Yes, just during training.

511
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 3: I know, I finished training. I finished training, went back home,

512
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 3: you know, he went back home and he was going off,

513
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 3: and then I went with him, and my family was

514
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:04,560
Speaker 3: like what are you doing. I'm like, oh, we're moving

515
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,600
Speaker 3: to California and they were like what. I were like, yeah, bye.

516
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,280
Speaker 3: And so my mother got sick, and you know what's

517
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 3: crazy as an only child with a mother with mental

518
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,520
Speaker 3: health issues, I felt guilt for the first time at

519
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,120
Speaker 3: because I was leaving and she came to my boot

520
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,159
Speaker 3: camp graduation off her face. She was I don't know

521
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,879
Speaker 3: how she got on an airplane from Boston to North Carolina,

522
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,359
Speaker 3: but she was off her face, and I just I

523
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,359
Speaker 3: was just standing there like, that's not my problem. I

524
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,920
Speaker 3: was like, I can't take responsibility for this woman anymore.

525
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,639
Speaker 3: I'm so happy that that seventeen or eighteen year old

526
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,000
Speaker 3: Erica knew I love you, but I got to get

527
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 3: the hell out of here, and that's on you, it's

528
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 3: not on me, and a lot of us don't have that.

529
00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,280
Speaker 3: So I was grateful that whatever powers gave me and

530
00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:46,800
Speaker 3: I moved across from Boston to California, so all the

531
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,160
Speaker 3: way on the West coast, and then we didn't tell anyone.

532
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,119
Speaker 3: We secretly got married and I became a military wife.

533
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:56,040
Speaker 3: I became Missus Lopez military wife for two years on

534
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 3: a base doing nothing, and no one knew. It was

535
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:02,159
Speaker 3: the weirdest thing. Even my husband didn't have me as wife.

536
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:03,439
Speaker 3: So I'm on the base. You know when you live

537
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,680
Speaker 3: on the base, they're like, Missus Lopez, Missus Lopez, show

538
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,480
Speaker 3: me your husband's this, and he's just a soldier fighting

539
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 3: in Iraq and I'm a wife. And it was the

540
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,960
Speaker 3: weirdest thing because I couldn't tell anyone.

541
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:17,639
Speaker 2: Wow, what's that relationship like between you two? Is it?

542
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,320
Speaker 2: It's he's he's your high school sweetheart. Now he's off

543
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:25,159
Speaker 2: in the Marines. You're you're in the army. Does that

544
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,080
Speaker 2: break down or do you how does that work? Out.

545
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,359
Speaker 3: Yeah, it was. It was really beautiful. We stayed together,

546
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 3: we pen paled, we called I remember he called me

547
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,200
Speaker 3: from the sprite factory and there was bombs going off

548
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 3: and they had just went into Saddan Hussein's house and

549
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 3: just wild stuff that was happening. And he's calling me

550
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 3: from some remote place and I'm just like this is real,

551
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:48,520
Speaker 3: Like this is you know a lot of people, probably

552
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 3: your family would have been stressed about you, like you

553
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,640
Speaker 3: watch the news, soldier dies, who my husband, my son,

554
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,800
Speaker 3: my like, you're just so stressed. So it was two

555
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,760
Speaker 3: years of stress and then he came back. I waited.

556
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,440
Speaker 3: I was a good I was such a good I

557
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,200
Speaker 3: don't know how that came to be, because I shouldn't

558
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 3: have been good, but I was. I was there, I

559
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,679
Speaker 3: was waiting, I was all in.

560
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,199
Speaker 2: So how long did you do in the military, and

561
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 2: you know, was there any any moments in the military

562
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 2: where you fought, you know, I can't do this or

563
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 2: you know this isn't me, or you know, did you

564
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:20,639
Speaker 2: really enjoy your time?

565
00:26:21,359 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 3: Yeah? I think I was like a National Guard one

566
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,919
Speaker 3: week and a month and then I went fully active duty,

567
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 3: like Monday to Friday. When GEO came back from war.

568
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,000
Speaker 3: We moved from California the west coast all the way

569
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,359
Speaker 3: to Florida, so back to the east coast, and I

570
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 3: went active duty at that time. And I was active

571
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,159
Speaker 3: duty in Florida, like Orlando, Florida. Monday to Friday, I

572
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,719
Speaker 3: wore the camis, I wore my boots, but then at

573
00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 3: night I went to hair school. I became a hairdresser,

574
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,199
Speaker 3: which was so weird for my battalion. They were like,

575
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,600
Speaker 3: excuse me, you're doing hairdressing as well, Like it was weird,

576
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,000
Speaker 3: But I'm Gemini and I leve all weird shit at once.

577
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,880
Speaker 3: I'm like, seventeen weird things at once is my favorite thing.

578
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 3: So I was like looking for a way out right.

579
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:00,720
Speaker 3: I was like, oh, I'm not going to be in

580
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,879
Speaker 3: the military for my whole life. This was just a

581
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:05,199
Speaker 3: to B. But now this became my plan d Like

582
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 3: I got to figure it out. So hair school became

583
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,720
Speaker 3: the thing I was gonna, you know, kind of transition,

584
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,760
Speaker 3: like have my plan out. And I think the military

585
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 3: pissed me off and I would love to hear what

586
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:19,160
Speaker 3: you think about this. But as an enlisted which means

587
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,879
Speaker 3: I didn't go to college and become an officer in

588
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 3: charge of people. I was like grassroots. I was enlisted,

589
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 3: E won you two all the way to eat. Yeah,

590
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 3: it was grunting.

591
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,240
Speaker 2: You know your non commissioned officer, you know yourum.

592
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,520
Speaker 3: So like then you get this high school and remember

593
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 3: I had shit around so as a Latina, I had

594
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,520
Speaker 3: shit around white people that were rich. Like it was

595
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:42,919
Speaker 3: like a little bit of racism growing up, like all

596
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:44,800
Speaker 3: those white people that are rich, they get everything that

597
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,040
Speaker 3: they want, and like that's not true, but that's how

598
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 3: it felt for me in my life because white people

599
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,680
Speaker 3: always saved me, like the social worker, the foster home,

600
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 3: all that stuff. So I had my own shit around that.

601
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 3: So then here comes this officer who is like twenty.

602
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 3: It felt like they were twenty and they just graduated

603
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 3: and now they're in charge of us, and they know

604
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,920
Speaker 3: nothing about what we're doing. They haven't went through the

605
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 3: ranks to understand. So it taught me a lot about

606
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:11,280
Speaker 3: how I don't want to do corporate America. You know

607
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 3: what I'm saying, Like I don't want somebody in charge

608
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 3: of me that has no idea. So I was like,

609
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,159
Speaker 3: I need to be an entrepreneur.

610
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:17,679
Speaker 2: You know.

611
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:19,639
Speaker 3: It was like this is not gonna work. So I

612
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 3: think it really taught me that. But also it taught

613
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,560
Speaker 3: me to shut up. It taught me to like respect

614
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 3: and not fight. There's certain things you fight for and

615
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,040
Speaker 3: other things you just learned to shut up. When someone's

616
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,000
Speaker 3: screaming at your face, spitting on your lip and they're

617
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,760
Speaker 3: super close to you, you're just like, I'm gonna get

618
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 3: Brad Towell pt for me, so let me just shut

619
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 3: my mouth. And I'm probably sure that was a lesson

620
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 3: Erica needed.

621
00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:55,800
Speaker 2: How did your relationship go with your husband because you

622
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 2: got into a terrible accent, didn't you.

623
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So we were both obviously trauma background. His

624
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,760
Speaker 3: dad had left and he had his own traumas, I

625
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 3: had my own. We get our traumas together, get secretly married,

626
00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:11,840
Speaker 3: move to Florida, and drink way too much alcohol. I

627
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 3: don't know if you resonate with that, but like lots

628
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:17,360
Speaker 3: and lots of alcohol, getting blind and one night we

629
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,959
Speaker 3: got told, hey, come to this party in the city.

630
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:22,960
Speaker 3: You know, we've got a VIP booth. And in America,

631
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,920
Speaker 3: VIP booths are a big thing. Like that means you

632
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 3: just drink for free if you get invited. So you're like, okay,

633
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,720
Speaker 3: let's go. So when Geo came back from war, his

634
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 3: parents bought him a car as like a gift, and

635
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:36,120
Speaker 3: they bought him the Fast and the Furious Mitsubishi Evo.

636
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:39,360
Speaker 3: And it has no chip. So this car, sick car.

637
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:41,320
Speaker 3: Never drove it because I was like scared that it

638
00:29:41,360 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 3: was so beautiful red fast. So where we go to

639
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:48,120
Speaker 3: this party and and we get blind. And the crazy

640
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,200
Speaker 3: thing is that at this party, at this club, they

641
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 3: had a stripper pole and I was like having a

642
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 3: ball on the move in my back doing all this

643
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 3: ridiculous stuff. Drinking, got in the car, didn't put a

644
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 3: seatbelt on. I said, you put your seatbelts on. Him

645
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,760
Speaker 3: and his friend were in the front, and I hovered

646
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 3: to air quotes look after them. We were all drunk.

647
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:11,200
Speaker 3: So my husband falls asleep in fifth gear going two

648
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:15,520
Speaker 3: hundred and forty two kilometers an hour. His friend has

649
00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 3: a seatbelt on, and he has a seatbelt on. I don't,

650
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:21,160
Speaker 3: So we ended up hitting We passed our house by

651
00:30:21,240 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 3: like half a kilometer, and I woke up and I'm like,

652
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 3: we passed the house. We ate a red light. It

653
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 3: was like three am, and my just vision went black.

654
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 3: So we hit a ditch. The car turned boot first,

655
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 3: so now I'm at the back right with no seatbelt.

656
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:37,000
Speaker 3: Boot first. We hit a ditch, we hit a van.

657
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 3: The van pushed us into a tree, and then we

658
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,800
Speaker 3: smashed into a convenience store and I was ejected out

659
00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:43,440
Speaker 3: like twenty five feet in the air. Broke my back.

660
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,920
Speaker 3: So we had a friend who sold drugs anyway, talking

661
00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,680
Speaker 3: about that later, and he was doing some drug deal

662
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,480
Speaker 3: at two am and said, I saw you. I saw you,

663
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,960
Speaker 3: Erica on the car trying to get you know how

664
00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,360
Speaker 3: adrenaline works, trying to get out of the car. My

665
00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 3: back is broken and like my back and my ankle

666
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,920
Speaker 3: are shattered. So he's like called the police. They took

667
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 3: us draws of life GEO. My husband was in a colla.

668
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 3: His head was like this big for twelve hours. Thank god,

669
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,800
Speaker 3: he was fine after twelve hours got released. His friend

670
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,040
Speaker 3: had a fractured rib, which is a joke, like how

671
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 3: did homeboy get out? I don't know how that happened.

672
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:18,680
Speaker 3: And because I didn't have a seatbelt, I broke my back.

673
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,760
Speaker 3: I had fusion metal. So thirty days in the hospital

674
00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 3: with morphine pump every five minutes, pumping it because it

675
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,480
Speaker 3: was so painful, like my ankle has a big old

676
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 3: screw and I'm like what happened? So that was like

677
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,520
Speaker 3: that was a wake up call. And now you know,

678
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,360
Speaker 3: nobody knows we're married. So I have a ring and

679
00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,920
Speaker 3: I'm like telling the nurses to take my ring off, and

680
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 3: like we're hiding this from his family.

681
00:31:41,720 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 2: It was just wild, Wow, yeah, no one knows you're married.

682
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 3: No one was married. Take my ring and they're like yours.

683
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:49,680
Speaker 3: You need to just calm down. So thirty days in

684
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 3: the hospital I got out. I was I was in

685
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,240
Speaker 3: like a bulletproof looking vest with like a moon boot,

686
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,840
Speaker 3: and I couldn't walk, And your ego takes a hit

687
00:31:57,880 --> 00:31:59,360
Speaker 3: when you're I was twenty three and I'm like, what

688
00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 3: do you mean I can't? And I was swollen and

689
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,720
Speaker 3: so it took a lot of recovery, but I was

690
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 3: like being able to walk again on my own and

691
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,440
Speaker 3: go to the bathroom on my own was like that's

692
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,200
Speaker 3: a win. And it was a wake up call and

693
00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 3: to be like what are you doing in the army.

694
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,240
Speaker 3: You didn't come here to be in the army. You

695
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,600
Speaker 3: wanted to be a performer or an actress or something

696
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:16,920
Speaker 3: why aren't you doing that? What are you doing with

697
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 3: your life? Like wake up? Like you could go. So

698
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,040
Speaker 3: I really thought that that was my wake up call.

699
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,720
Speaker 3: So I started modeling. I know it's weird. I'm a hairdresser,

700
00:32:24,720 --> 00:32:27,400
Speaker 3: I'm in the military, and I'm modeling. This is the

701
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 3: perfect life Erica.

702
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:29,840
Speaker 2: That doesn't surprise me.

703
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 3: With you living no a double life. I have a

704
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,160
Speaker 3: triple life. Okay. So but it was kind of good

705
00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 3: because I was selling my calendars to my military people

706
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:42,000
Speaker 3: who were very respectful, but they were supporting my work.

707
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:43,880
Speaker 3: So thank you guys at the unit. They were buying

708
00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,400
Speaker 3: my calendars. So I started doing like music videos in Miami.

709
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 3: I lived in Florida, amazing, and I'm like, this is good.

710
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 3: Things are happening for me. I'm going to move out

711
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 3: of the military. I'm going to start doing hair and modeling.

712
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,720
Speaker 3: And the following year, I don't know if you remember

713
00:32:57,720 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 3: this fight, but it was Oscar de la Ooya and

714
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 3: May Massive fight. Matt right. That fight is like that

715
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 3: shit went down in history. Okay. So I was just

716
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 3: like in America, you do pay per view. Everybody pays

717
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:10,040
Speaker 3: fifty bucks, they come to your house, have a party.

718
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,640
Speaker 3: It was a house party after this. Of course, my

719
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,120
Speaker 3: husband and I were never drinking and driving. We always

720
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,440
Speaker 3: wore a seatbelt. Of course, like you almost die, you

721
00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,400
Speaker 3: would never do that again. So I fully believe that

722
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:22,920
Speaker 3: how things happen are supposed to happen now. So we're

723
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,960
Speaker 3: at our house. I'm like, hey, guys, I've got my

724
00:33:25,000 --> 00:33:28,040
Speaker 3: one weekend a month military. You can't be late to formation,

725
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 3: so I'm going to bed. I go to bed. Everybody's partying.

726
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,600
Speaker 3: I go to bed. I wake up and I don't

727
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 3: see my husband next to me, and I'm like, what's happening.

728
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,720
Speaker 3: I'm like, where's Geo? And everyone's like drunk on the

729
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:39,240
Speaker 3: couch and I'm like, I don't know where he is,

730
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 3: but I gotta go because I'm gonna be late. So

731
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,480
Speaker 3: I'm like, guys, call him. I kept calling him, his

732
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:44,320
Speaker 3: phone kept ringing. I'm like, this weird. He called me

733
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,760
Speaker 3: at one twenty am. Anyway, we couldn't find him. I

734
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 3: didn't think anything about it, and I was like, we're good.

735
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,920
Speaker 3: Like he's probably fell asleep in the car or something.

736
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:54,160
Speaker 3: So I do my formation. It's like ten am. I

737
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 3: tell my sergeant. She's like, don't worry. Keep calling him.

738
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,560
Speaker 3: His phone kept ringing, so eleven forty five, I'll never forget.

739
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 3: I look out the window of my unit and it's raining,

740
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:04,560
Speaker 3: and I'm like, where's my husband? Okay, I'm freaking out. Now,

741
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,160
Speaker 3: I'm freaking out. I'm like, where is Geo? And she

742
00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:11,279
Speaker 3: sends me home, She goes go, We go to the house.

743
00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,040
Speaker 3: All our friends are looking for him. And I saw

744
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:17,399
Speaker 3: the hospital called now the year before, and if any

745
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:21,280
Speaker 3: young people are listening to this, don't be silly. Get insurance. Okay,

746
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 3: the year before I declined the military insurance. It's like

747
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,400
Speaker 3: twenty four dollars a month, tight ass Erica, and I

748
00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 3: declined it. So then guess what happened when I broke

749
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 3: my back. I still to this day, Oh the America,

750
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 3: I don't even know probably now five hundred thousand dollars.

751
00:34:36,160 --> 00:34:37,879
Speaker 3: I don't know a lot of money. So I thought

752
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:39,879
Speaker 3: the hospital called for the bills because they always called.

753
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:41,600
Speaker 3: But it was seven am and when they called me,

754
00:34:41,600 --> 00:34:43,840
Speaker 3: and I'm like, that's weird. So I called the hospital.

755
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:45,839
Speaker 3: They're like, we can't give you any information, just come in.

756
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,640
Speaker 3: It was very nonchalant. I'm like, cool, we can't find him.

757
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 3: He's not at the jail. Nobody's calling us. We'll drive

758
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:54,279
Speaker 3: to the hospital. So me and his best friends drove

759
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,799
Speaker 3: to the hospital. We woke in and the guy on

760
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:58,600
Speaker 3: the phone's like, oh, just go wait over there in

761
00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:00,279
Speaker 3: those rooms, and I'm like, these are the room where

762
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 3: they tell you the bad news. And I start freaking out.

763
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,120
Speaker 3: And this little old lady across from the room, beautiful Angel,

764
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,239
Speaker 3: was like, hey, darling, my husband's getting heart surgery. I'm

765
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,600
Speaker 3: just here waiting. These are waiting rooms, don't worry. And

766
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 3: I'm like, okay, freaking out, freaking out. The double door's

767
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:15,799
Speaker 3: open and there's a doctor and a nurse and they

768
00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:17,840
Speaker 3: just look at me and they're like, I'm so sorry

769
00:35:17,840 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 3: he didn't make it. And I'm like, excuse me, Well,

770
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 3: they just came out like that. Yeah, Like they just

771
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 3: looked at me and they were like, we're so sorry.

772
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,080
Speaker 3: And I'm like, oh this this bitch is talking to

773
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,839
Speaker 3: the wrong person. Oh no, who are you talking to me? Like?

774
00:35:29,880 --> 00:35:32,160
Speaker 3: It was like you ever want to see insanity? In

775
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:35,920
Speaker 3: that second, it was insanity. I was disassociated. I was

776
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 3: I don't know what's what. I'm like sorry, and then

777
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,879
Speaker 3: she's like I'm sorry. Giovanni Lopez, your husband. We tried

778
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:42,520
Speaker 3: everything we could. He didn't make it. Then I was like,

779
00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:46,000
Speaker 3: I don't understand. Like I was in my military suit,

780
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,240
Speaker 3: I couldn't and his friend's on the ground and wailing.

781
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:51,880
Speaker 3: His friend from high school, so from Boston. His friend

782
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,160
Speaker 3: had come and we were just like what And then

783
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:57,399
Speaker 3: it finally kicked in and I just lost my shit.

784
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:02,839
Speaker 3: And basically he left the house, which again we weren't doing.

785
00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:04,960
Speaker 3: That was weird. He left the house, he was on

786
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,839
Speaker 3: his own, didn't have a seat belt, which again we

787
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:10,279
Speaker 3: weren't doing. He crashed into there was a ditch. You

788
00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:13,000
Speaker 3: know those ditches that just go down those pitchurees are

789
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:15,640
Speaker 3: so dangerous because you don't need anything else. He crashed

790
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,800
Speaker 3: in this ditch. The car flipped and he just landed

791
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:20,200
Speaker 3: on a patio with nothing. So we crashed into a

792
00:36:20,239 --> 00:36:23,160
Speaker 3: million things the year before. There's nothing. It's just grass.

793
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 3: But crazy because I'm like, wait, no, like that's not

794
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,040
Speaker 3: our story. We're not doing that anymore. It makes no sense.

795
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,359
Speaker 3: And it's so crazy because that's what happened. And so

796
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 3: when I went to the scene to find him, there

797
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 3: was a woman who came out and she's like, I

798
00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 3: saw him, and I came out. The lady who lived there,

799
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 3: she's like, I prayed, I held him. I'm like, was

800
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,439
Speaker 3: he suffering? She's like no, like his ring had fallen off.

801
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 3: Somebody found the ring and gave it to me. Like

802
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,000
Speaker 3: all this crazy stuff that happened. And I in that

803
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:52,879
Speaker 3: moment was like f you God. If there is a god,

804
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,239
Speaker 3: like I must be cursed, ants like are you kidding me?

805
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:59,239
Speaker 3: All that stuff? I was done. I was like, I'm done.

806
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,359
Speaker 3: I can check out now, like I'm done. It was.

807
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 3: I never had anybody died in my life. Nobody ever

808
00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:06,400
Speaker 3: died in my life. And then my husband died, and

809
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 3: I was just like, what is this?

810
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:12,120
Speaker 2: What did you do? Well?

811
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:15,480
Speaker 3: I numbed out. I numbed out a lot. I did

812
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:19,319
Speaker 3: the burial went. That was a whole crazy thing in

813
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,200
Speaker 3: itself because nobody knew we were married. Remember, so now

814
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,120
Speaker 3: his mom's trying to make plans and they're like his wife,

815
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:30,239
Speaker 3: and I'm like shit, yeah, so we got married and

816
00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,440
Speaker 3: I'm his wife, and so like now I can do

817
00:37:32,480 --> 00:37:34,160
Speaker 3: all the things and you can't do anything about And

818
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:36,759
Speaker 3: like we had insurance, you know, military insurance. Yeah, so

819
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,120
Speaker 3: paid his school. I didn't want his parents to pay

820
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,880
Speaker 3: for his college. That got paid paid for all the things.

821
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,560
Speaker 3: But it was like blood money. Like I'm a poor

822
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:46,279
Speaker 3: girl that's never had money, and I get one hundred

823
00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:48,879
Speaker 3: thousand dollars and I couldn't. I couldn't throw it off

824
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,600
Speaker 3: me faster. I was like, oh, look, here's money to

825
00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:54,520
Speaker 3: get your boobs done. Friend, here's money for a car. Brother,

826
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:56,480
Speaker 3: like all these people that I just was like, I can't.

827
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:58,879
Speaker 3: So we did that. I came back to Florida, and

828
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:01,840
Speaker 3: I promise you, I don't remember those three years I

829
00:38:01,920 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 3: did modeling, seeking validation. Yeah, but all that stuff that

830
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,839
Speaker 3: you said as a kid, like looking for love, that's

831
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,360
Speaker 3: when it kicked in. And because I realized I always

832
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 3: had a boyfriend or a partner at a young age.

833
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 3: So he was gone. I was alone. I was like,

834
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:18,719
Speaker 3: I'll do music videos. I'll be half naked in a bikini. Nope,

835
00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:20,719
Speaker 3: that doesn't make me feel good. I'll get with this guy.

836
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,160
Speaker 3: I'll get with that guy. Oh my god, like drunk,

837
00:38:23,239 --> 00:38:26,000
Speaker 3: drinking and driving, still doing bad things.

838
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:30,520
Speaker 2: So you've sort of flipped off. Yeah, eating with that,

839
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,320
Speaker 2: you've gone onto the drugs. Alcohol.

840
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:37,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, just lots of alcohol, lots of alcohol, pain numbing it.

841
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,880
Speaker 3: And then and then I went to a hair conference

842
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:42,800
Speaker 3: in Las Vegas and I met a man from Australia

843
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 3: and I was like, yep, cool, let's do this. I'm

844
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:48,080
Speaker 3: gonna move into Australia. And he was like, are you serious?

845
00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,760
Speaker 3: And I was like, sure, let me get out of America.

846
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:53,799
Speaker 3: I gotta go. So I thought, I thought, if I

847
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,600
Speaker 3: moved across the South Pacific Ocean, all my shit wouldn't

848
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,360
Speaker 3: follow me because I didn't pack it in my luggage.

849
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,080
Speaker 3: But it came, Yeah, came with.

850
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:04,160
Speaker 2: Me, of course. So so you're you're still you're still

851
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:07,440
Speaker 2: in this self destruct mode, I would say, because that's

852
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:10,799
Speaker 2: exactly what it sounds like. And then you meet an

853
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 2: Australian gentleman? How do you how talk me through that? How?

854
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:16,760
Speaker 2: How do you how do you meet this this gentleman?

855
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 3: Oh, gentlemen. The guy in Vegas was very nice on

856
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:24,160
Speaker 3: the outside but ended up not being good. So I

857
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:26,800
Speaker 3: thought he was cool. I'm like, he's cool, he's different,

858
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:29,880
Speaker 3: let's go. So I literally sold my life in change.

859
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 2: Did you use him just to get out? No?

860
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 3: I don't feel like I used him. I feel like

861
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,200
Speaker 3: he also So I was a hairdresser at that time,

862
00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 3: and I came to his business here in Sydney. Do

863
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:42,799
Speaker 3: you know where Mount Drewid is, Yes, yes, Okay, So

864
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:44,960
Speaker 3: I moved from Miami to Mount drew It. So that's

865
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,919
Speaker 3: that's just in itself a story. But I came because

866
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:49,400
Speaker 3: he was like I was working for a hair salon,

867
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,840
Speaker 3: Paul Mitchell, and he's like, I love like what you

868
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,360
Speaker 3: guys are doing. And so I came and worked in

869
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 3: his business and made him fifty k extra a week

870
00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:58,920
Speaker 3: and they were just like, what the hell, how did

871
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:01,520
Speaker 3: you do that? I'm like, I'm America. It's called customer

872
00:40:01,560 --> 00:40:05,479
Speaker 3: service Australia up selling training culture. So like I brought

873
00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:09,320
Speaker 3: all my stuff and distracted myself with helping and forgot

874
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:11,200
Speaker 3: that he was actually not a good guy. Like the

875
00:40:11,239 --> 00:40:14,960
Speaker 3: way he treated me was bad. The condemnation like you

876
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:18,279
Speaker 3: got to clean up your life, you got to messed up,

877
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:21,719
Speaker 3: like story. And so I attracted someone to show me

878
00:40:21,800 --> 00:40:24,279
Speaker 3: how much I already thought about myself being low, Like

879
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:25,960
Speaker 3: I already thought I was a piece of shit. I

880
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,120
Speaker 3: already thought I was broken and messed up, and he

881
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,719
Speaker 3: was just going to confirm that because that's what I was.

882
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 3: That's what I was drawing in of course, so it

883
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 3: wasn't his fault. It was my attraction of him. And

884
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,080
Speaker 3: so that didn't work. After eleven months and I met

885
00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 3: another man and aunt same guy, different face, same guy,

886
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:45,840
Speaker 3: same thing, but he was in Melbourne. So then I

887
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 3: moved to Melbourne because I'm a loser and I'm now

888
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 3: Sydney Melbourne. Now the guy horrible and I know, and

889
00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,480
Speaker 3: he was like, we have to lie to my family

890
00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 3: about you. We can't tell them you come from a

891
00:40:58,080 --> 00:40:59,839
Speaker 3: broken family. That was the first time I ever heard

892
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 3: the broken family. I didn't know what that meant. I'm like, oh,

893
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:05,680
Speaker 3: I came from a broken family. Like delete your photos

894
00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 3: off Google. I had like four pages of my modeling

895
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,959
Speaker 3: photos on Google. He's like, delete them. So I would

896
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:12,759
Speaker 3: email photographers trying to delete my past and I was

897
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:16,840
Speaker 3: basically not good enough, damaged. And I was with this

898
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,359
Speaker 3: guy for another eleven months until he broke up with

899
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:22,840
Speaker 3: me on my birthday, thank goodness, because I wasn't going anywhere.

900
00:41:23,719 --> 00:41:25,719
Speaker 3: And I was just like, you're a loser. You don't

901
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:29,440
Speaker 3: know anyone here. Your nail technician and your personal trainer

902
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 3: are your only friends in Australia and I just had

903
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:35,120
Speaker 3: like a Michael Jackson man in the mirror moment where

904
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 3: I was like, wow, I'm at rock like I was

905
00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,720
Speaker 3: at rock bottom, bottom bottom bottom.

906
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, I suppose you again. Another defense mechanism is it's

907
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:48,080
Speaker 2: to keep busy, is to jump into relationships, jump into situations,

908
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 2: jump into jobs, jump in and then all of a sudden,

909
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,279
Speaker 2: all that goes and you're just slide. You by yourself.

910
00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:59,080
Speaker 2: You look around, you isolated yourself. You are lonely by.

911
00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:02,960
Speaker 3: Yourself, and you can't hide from yourself. That's why a pandemic,

912
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 3: that's why that lockdown killed people, because you got to

913
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:08,120
Speaker 3: sit with you in your home, with you and your

914
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:11,160
Speaker 3: relationship and the stuff that you avoid every day you're

915
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:14,240
Speaker 3: locked in. And so I was like, I'm so grateful

916
00:42:14,239 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 3: for that moment. It was like I looked in the

917
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:19,480
Speaker 3: mirror and I saw myself. Like I look in the mirror.

918
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:21,120
Speaker 3: Women look at the mirror all the time, any mirror.

919
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:24,080
Speaker 3: We can't we're like checking ourselves out. But I was

920
00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 3: like ooh, and I just looked through my eyes and

921
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:29,680
Speaker 3: I was like, shit, you are the common denominator in

922
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:31,920
Speaker 3: the hot mess that is your life. It's always been you.

923
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,840
Speaker 3: You were here, it's still you. We got to make amends.

924
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:37,120
Speaker 3: And it was like that awakening for me to be like,

925
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:41,080
Speaker 3: it's me. I got to take responsibility. I have to respond.

926
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:43,320
Speaker 3: I have to respond to that situation.

927
00:42:43,719 --> 00:42:46,680
Speaker 2: So that's a classic. You took a good, hard look

928
00:42:46,719 --> 00:42:51,880
Speaker 2: in the mirror yourself and that moment just flipped your

929
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 2: mindset to it.

930
00:42:53,360 --> 00:42:56,279
Speaker 3: Well, I didn't know what the work was like, as

931
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:58,440
Speaker 3: being from the hood and being poor. I didn't know,

932
00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:00,759
Speaker 3: like I had therapists since I was four. So this

933
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,080
Speaker 3: Foster care put you in therapy, but I always again,

934
00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:06,040
Speaker 3: I thought it was a white lady with a clipboard

935
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:09,480
Speaker 3: with glasses judging you. So to me, therapy never felt

936
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:11,680
Speaker 3: like healing, like people say, get a therapist, and I

937
00:43:11,719 --> 00:43:13,960
Speaker 3: was like, I'm not gonna get a therapist, Like there

938
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 3: was so much masculine shit about me that was like

939
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:18,960
Speaker 3: not not doing that. I'm not talking about my feelings.

940
00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:22,480
Speaker 3: But now here I am facing myself seeing that I

941
00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 3: can't literally escape anymore. I've escaped to another country, which

942
00:43:26,280 --> 00:43:28,920
Speaker 3: I didn't know where. Australia was no idea typical American.

943
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 3: I was like, Austria, where are we going? Sure, let's go,

944
00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:34,399
Speaker 3: Like okay, this is nowhere. I don't know where I am.

945
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 3: I thought everybody in Australia sounded like they were from

946
00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:40,000
Speaker 3: the UK. Like that's how bad I was. Okay, so

947
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,160
Speaker 3: I couldn't I couldn't escape. And then I think that

948
00:43:43,239 --> 00:43:46,200
Speaker 3: was that moment. So my personal trainer, Hamish, who was

949
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,760
Speaker 3: literally like kind and lovely, was like, hey, if you're interested,

950
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:51,520
Speaker 3: I know this lady that I work with, and she

951
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 3: was like a coach, but she was like clayvoyant coach

952
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:56,400
Speaker 3: and I was like, what the hell's clayvoyant? What the

953
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:58,880
Speaker 3: hell is all that? I was not like spiritual universe

954
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:01,400
Speaker 3: any of that. I was very like, what are you

955
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 3: talking about?

956
00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:02,359
Speaker 2: Yeah?

957
00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 3: And so yeah, like what you're a witch? Like what

958
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:07,920
Speaker 3: are you talking about? What he did? Witchcraft? Like I

959
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 3: don't understand. And so I met her. She was lovely,

960
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,239
Speaker 3: very practical person but had her you know, she had

961
00:44:15,239 --> 00:44:17,880
Speaker 3: her energetics, but she was practical and I need practical.

962
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 3: I hate fluff. I absolutely like you, I can't be

963
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,879
Speaker 3: fluff and shit, it's like that's bullshit. So she sat

964
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:25,919
Speaker 3: with me and my first session aunt, what do you think?

965
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:29,960
Speaker 3: She took me to Geo's death, the thing that I

966
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:33,040
Speaker 3: avoided for like four years. She was like, let's talk

967
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,440
Speaker 3: about Geo's death and I was like boo. And just

968
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:39,319
Speaker 3: know she took me there the first session. She didn't

969
00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 3: even ease me in okay, And I was like, I'm fine,

970
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:48,480
Speaker 3: I'm fine, not okay, but I'm so grateful. Yeah. It

971
00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:50,680
Speaker 3: was disarmed, and it was really like you got to

972
00:44:50,719 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 3: put that wall down. Like she said to me a

973
00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:55,000
Speaker 3: long time ago, you're gonna help women, and you can't

974
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,920
Speaker 3: help women with that nasty chip on your shoulder and

975
00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 3: all that anger. I was like, I'm not helping women.

976
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,840
Speaker 3: I don't care about anybody. I was like, that's what

977
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:02,719
Speaker 3: you say now, and she told me, she's like you

978
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:05,000
Speaker 3: are going to be such a stand old stand for

979
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,200
Speaker 3: women and showing up and helping them. You got to

980
00:45:07,239 --> 00:45:09,200
Speaker 3: clear that shit. And I was like whatever, what do

981
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:12,600
Speaker 3: you know? And then obviously thank you. You are right. But

982
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:17,080
Speaker 3: like twelve months into it, so Hamish started helping me.

983
00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:19,760
Speaker 3: He introduced me to his friends, my personal trainer okay,

984
00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:23,640
Speaker 3: and then we started to like get feelings and I'm like, oh, no, Erica,

985
00:45:23,719 --> 00:45:26,160
Speaker 3: here you go. But hey, like I was like no, no, no,

986
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 3: I can't. And then literally he was like I like you,

987
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 3: and I'm about to go to Brazil for a month,

988
00:45:31,760 --> 00:45:33,239
Speaker 3: worst place you want you and new boyfriend to go.

989
00:45:33,480 --> 00:45:34,919
Speaker 3: But he was like, I'm going to Brazil. I got

990
00:45:34,920 --> 00:45:36,839
Speaker 3: to tell you now. And I was like, I think

991
00:45:36,920 --> 00:45:39,920
Speaker 3: I like you too. And then and it was like

992
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:43,319
Speaker 3: and Hamish, he was gandhi like he was being the

993
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:45,239
Speaker 3: change you wished to see. He never talked, he never

994
00:45:45,239 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 3: said you should read this book, you should do this.

995
00:45:47,120 --> 00:45:50,520
Speaker 3: He was just being the work, the example, calm centered

996
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 3: breath work, meditation on his shit. And I was just like, man,

997
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 3: why is this man so calm and amazing? And I

998
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:58,120
Speaker 3: would just get drunk, throw plates, just being crazy and

999
00:45:59,080 --> 00:46:01,279
Speaker 3: oh my god. Yeah, I don't know if I could

1000
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,880
Speaker 3: do it with this crazy Puerto Rican lady, but I would.

1001
00:46:04,080 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 3: I would try again and I would mess right yeah.

1002
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:08,279
Speaker 3: But then he would see me like, you know a

1003
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 3: lot of people say yea yea yeah, I'm gonna do

1004
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,040
Speaker 3: the work, and it's lip service. I was doing the work.

1005
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:15,160
Speaker 3: I was messing up. I was apologizing and doing it again.

1006
00:46:15,480 --> 00:46:18,320
Speaker 3: So I had a podcast recently that I did called

1007
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:21,000
Speaker 3: people Can Change Because hear me when I tell you,

1008
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,440
Speaker 3: he did not give up on me, and I was

1009
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,600
Speaker 3: being a piece of shit at the time, but I

1010
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:29,279
Speaker 3: was trying, and so his belief in me while also

1011
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:30,880
Speaker 3: being guarded and going I'm gonna give you a few

1012
00:46:30,920 --> 00:46:34,719
Speaker 3: more chances. And I just needed a little bit more patience,

1013
00:46:34,920 --> 00:46:37,000
Speaker 3: a little bit more love, a little bit more support.

1014
00:46:37,440 --> 00:46:39,560
Speaker 3: And then twelve months later I kept doing the work.

1015
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:41,239
Speaker 3: Twelve months later I was like, all right, Hamish, catch

1016
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,319
Speaker 3: up and he was like, damn, you just surpassed me

1017
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:45,440
Speaker 3: with the work. Like I just was. I was at

1018
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:45,839
Speaker 3: his level.

1019
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:49,520
Speaker 2: I was like, let's go, Wow, so you've done a

1020
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:53,400
Speaker 2: complete free sixty. And by the sounds of it, you know,

1021
00:46:53,800 --> 00:46:56,759
Speaker 2: with Hamish, you know you said he didn't give up

1022
00:46:56,800 --> 00:46:59,799
Speaker 2: on you, it means that he just you know that

1023
00:46:59,800 --> 00:47:02,560
Speaker 2: that love that we spoke about, he gave you that

1024
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:07,160
Speaker 2: no matter who you were, what you've done. And then

1025
00:47:07,680 --> 00:47:09,640
Speaker 2: ultimately you must there must have been a point where

1026
00:47:09,640 --> 00:47:12,080
Speaker 2: you sort of surrendered to that. You know, Yeah, we

1027
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:15,160
Speaker 2: went through a moment and then boom, a new lease

1028
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:18,320
Speaker 2: of life. Right, You've got love that you've craved always,

1029
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:20,560
Speaker 2: all that respect that you've craved always in a good

1030
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:24,280
Speaker 2: man that treats you well, that is calm, that looks

1031
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:27,719
Speaker 2: after himself, and that role model that you've never had

1032
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:28,400
Speaker 2: in your life.

1033
00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:31,640
Speaker 3: Yes, and you know how you said, Like, I feel

1034
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:33,400
Speaker 3: like I was attracting and I talk about this in

1035
00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:36,280
Speaker 3: my book. I was attracting from lack. So I believed

1036
00:47:36,280 --> 00:47:38,640
Speaker 3: I was a piece of shit. I believe that was broken.

1037
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:40,799
Speaker 3: I believe something was wrong with me. So I was

1038
00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:43,959
Speaker 3: looking outside of myself for people to validate me. Tell

1039
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 3: me I'm pretty, look at my photos, like me, love me?

1040
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:48,160
Speaker 3: What do you need me to do? So I would

1041
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,279
Speaker 3: code switch to be whoever I was, Princess Jasmine. When

1042
00:47:51,320 --> 00:47:53,120
Speaker 3: I came to Melbourne to date that guy, I was

1043
00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 3: literally like hair extensions, cardigans from Country Road, Like I

1044
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,440
Speaker 3: don't wear that, That's not my vibe. I would never

1045
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,839
Speaker 3: wear hoops. So I was like, hold on, I could

1046
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,160
Speaker 3: be who I am. And Hamish was the first man

1047
00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:05,880
Speaker 3: that I told my whole story to and he was like, whoa,

1048
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:08,279
Speaker 3: You're amazing And I was like wait, what, Like you

1049
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,640
Speaker 3: don't think I'm broken or messed up? He was like, no,

1050
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:13,719
Speaker 3: you're amazing, that's amazing, and I was like what, Like

1051
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:16,000
Speaker 3: I was so like, can't compute, Like I was just

1052
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:18,719
Speaker 3: like I was used to people being like oh, you're

1053
00:48:18,719 --> 00:48:21,400
Speaker 3: messed up. You got to clean up your past. Anyway,

1054
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,920
Speaker 3: he was amazing, so because he could see in me

1055
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:27,160
Speaker 3: what I couldn't see, and he held that greatness in me.

1056
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:28,880
Speaker 3: He held me to that. So when I would mess up,

1057
00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:30,759
Speaker 3: he'd be like, this is who you are. I know you.

1058
00:48:30,960 --> 00:48:33,279
Speaker 3: And I was like, shit, this is who I am.

1059
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,239
Speaker 3: And so I would always want to rise to my

1060
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:38,120
Speaker 3: standard of who he could see me and he could

1061
00:48:38,120 --> 00:48:39,920
Speaker 3: see someone I didn't know I was. And then when

1062
00:48:39,960 --> 00:48:42,760
Speaker 3: I got that, I was just like, oh my goodness,

1063
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,239
Speaker 3: Like it was the best thing. Because I spent the

1064
00:48:45,280 --> 00:48:48,560
Speaker 3: next eight years and healing. I didn't care about anyone.

1065
00:48:48,600 --> 00:48:49,719
Speaker 3: I didn't want to help. I didn't want to.

1066
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:50,320
Speaker 2: Become a coach.

1067
00:48:50,600 --> 00:48:53,239
Speaker 3: You know these coaches that they join your coaching program.

1068
00:48:53,320 --> 00:48:55,839
Speaker 3: Three months later they're like, I'm gonna coach people. I'm like, girl,

1069
00:48:55,880 --> 00:48:58,160
Speaker 3: you just got into your stuff. Why don't you keep doing?

1070
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,719
Speaker 3: Like keep doing your work? Is fully in my work

1071
00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:03,920
Speaker 3: eight years and that's when I was like, Okay, I

1072
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:05,840
Speaker 3: want to help people. And now I yell at women,

1073
00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:09,120
Speaker 3: especially women, to back themselves, and I'm like, don't tell

1074
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 3: me you can't, because look at my exhibit A. Don't

1075
00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:17,320
Speaker 3: tell me you can't. It's that you will exhibit Exhibit Australia,

1076
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 3: Exhibit America, but like, you won't do it. It's not that

1077
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:21,759
Speaker 3: you can't do it, but you won't do it. So

1078
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 3: then I'm like become this little loving bitch slap giver

1079
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,799
Speaker 3: to remind them that they're the ones that they need

1080
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 3: to overcome. It's not the patriarchy, it's not the pay gap,

1081
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:33,320
Speaker 3: it's not this bullshit. It's you, like, look in the mirror.

1082
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,440
Speaker 3: It's you overcome that person. You can have whatever you want,

1083
00:49:36,480 --> 00:49:38,680
Speaker 3: doesn't matter what happened to you in your past. You

1084
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:40,680
Speaker 3: make it. It makes you, It doesn't break you.

1085
00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:45,400
Speaker 2: You know, Yeah, do you know what's it's so powerful

1086
00:49:45,480 --> 00:49:49,480
Speaker 2: to hear that? You know, just the war truth of

1087
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 2: everything starts with you. Take a look at yourself. What

1088
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 2: a message to have, and I love the way you

1089
00:49:56,200 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 2: deliver it as well. It's just it's war. It's passionate

1090
00:50:01,280 --> 00:50:05,239
Speaker 2: and you've got a book. You're becoming magnetic And when

1091
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:05,960
Speaker 2: did you like that?

1092
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:09,680
Speaker 3: So that was this year. It came out January fourteenth,

1093
00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:12,200
Speaker 3: twenty twenty five. It's actually coming out in the UK

1094
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,680
Speaker 3: in May. So attracting, right, attracting, what you want and

1095
00:50:15,760 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 3: stop repelling, especially single people. We repel what we desire.

1096
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:22,680
Speaker 3: I repelled Hamish. I was not attracting him, and so

1097
00:50:23,239 --> 00:50:25,920
Speaker 3: thankfully I figured that out along the way. And I

1098
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:27,920
Speaker 3: never thought I was a magnetic person, but now I

1099
00:50:27,960 --> 00:50:29,719
Speaker 3: look at my life, I'm like, of course I am.

1100
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,799
Speaker 3: I made friends with the uber driver five minutes before

1101
00:50:31,840 --> 00:50:34,359
Speaker 3: getting here, Like, I talked to everyone and I think

1102
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:37,880
Speaker 3: magnetism is it's about your energy and who you're being

1103
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:40,480
Speaker 3: and when you walk in a room, what do I feel?

1104
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:42,359
Speaker 3: Because we all love that.

1105
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:46,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, listen, you are. I could feel your energy and

1106
00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:51,600
Speaker 2: your magnetism through the screen. So thank you. Put a

1107
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:55,399
Speaker 2: smile on my face. You've you've topped me up with positivity.

1108
00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:58,319
Speaker 2: So thank you ever so much, Erica, your staff, thank

1109
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,480
Speaker 2: you so much much love.

1110
00:50:59,400 --> 00:51:00,000
Speaker 3: Thank you, my love.

1111
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:05,200
Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to this episode of head Game. If

1112
00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:09,640
Speaker 2: you enjoyed it, please leave me a review. I'm at Middleton,

1113
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:11,399
Speaker 2: See you next time.