WEBVTT - The Perfect Storm That Changed Everything | Donna Thistlethwaite - 915 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:07.360 She said, it's now never I got fighting in my blood. 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:12.479 I'm tiff. This is Role with the Punches and we're 0:00:12.520 --> 0:00:17.119 turning life's hardest hits into wins. Nobody wants to go 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:21.120 to court, and don't. My friends are test Art Family Lawyers. 0:00:21.320 --> 0:00:25.160 Know that they offer all forms of alternative dispute resolution. 0:00:25.720 --> 0:00:29.240 Their team of Melbourne family lawyers have extensive experience in 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:32.960 all areas of family law to facto and same sex couples, 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:37.280 custody and children, family violence and intervention orders, property settlements 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:41.720 and financial agreements. Test Art is in your corner, so 0:00:41.840 --> 0:00:45.440 reach out to Mark and the team at www dot 0:00:45.840 --> 0:00:49.199 test Artfamilylawyers dot com dot au. 0:00:51.360 --> 0:00:54.000 Please be aware that during this episode we do talk 0:00:54.040 --> 0:00:57.800 about the topic of suicide. If you're feeling fragile today, 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:01.920 maybe it's worth holding off until you're feeling a little 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:04.040 bit better and able to engage with the content. 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:09.399 Doroth this await, Welcome to Roll with the Punches. 0:01:10.640 --> 0:01:12.240 Thanks too great to be here with you. 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:16.040 How are you on this fine day up there in Queensland? 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:19.360 Yeah, I'm traveling pretty well today. Actually all good for 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:23.200 me and I don't know, it's not quite it's not 0:01:23.280 --> 0:01:27.080 quite warm here, but it's not that cold either, so I. 0:01:27.200 --> 0:01:31.520 Feel I jumped on zoom last night and had a 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:34.319 chat to one of my good friends up in Queensland 0:01:34.400 --> 0:01:38.920 who said, got mug boots on or got the blanky 0:01:39.000 --> 0:01:42.119 on and she said, and it's still and it's twenty 0:01:42.160 --> 0:01:44.800 seven degrees and I wanted to punch here in the face. 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:50.960 And so as you sit here today saying oh it's no, no, no, don, 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:55.720 I would not accept it. You are in paradise compared 0:01:55.720 --> 0:01:58.800 to Melbourne's brutal rot that it calls weather. 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:03.880 Yeah, yeah, indeed, we definitely can't complain they're a bit 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:06.840 soft though, because we are used to the warmer weather. Right. Well, 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:07.480 this is the thing. 0:02:07.520 --> 0:02:12.040 And I've always said I'm from Australia, obviously, I'm from 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.919 Tazzy originally, and everyone always comes at me with it 0:02:15.000 --> 0:02:17.839 each but eased of they're cold, and I'm like, yeah, 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:21.000 but I have I feel like Melbourne goes to the 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:24.640 extremes in summer and the extremes in winter, which gives 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:27.800 you no baseline to get comfortable with. It's like, it's 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.680 too bloody hot in summer, I can't cope, and then 0:02:30.720 --> 0:02:33.799 it's too bloody cold in winter. I can't cope, and 0:02:35.120 --> 0:02:38.000 I probably don't. I don't dress appropriately for either. 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:41.359 Yeah, I can always change in the course of the 0:02:41.440 --> 0:02:42.640 day in Melbourne as well. 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:46.680 Right, Yeah, that's exactly right. Hey, would you like to 0:02:46.680 --> 0:02:51.000 give a little intro to yourself, to myself and my audience? 0:02:51.560 --> 0:02:57.600 Yeah, sure. So obviously I live in Brisbane. I have 0:02:57.680 --> 0:03:03.000 my own business called Mentally Wealthy, and we provide training 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:09.359 solutions to organizations to help create mentally healthier workplaces. So 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:12.960 I've got a passion for mental health and resilience and 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:17.040 that really comes from my personal lived experience of having 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:20.919 a very significant mental health crisis. My story would have 0:03:20.960 --> 0:03:24.600 actually featured on an episode of Australian Story which aired 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:28.880 in twenty seventeen, So I'm not sure if you knew that. 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:29.919 No I didn't. 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:31.919 I'm like, I'm going to have to go and watch 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:32.399 that now. 0:03:32.680 --> 0:03:35.840 Yeah, it still is available via their website and they 0:03:35.840 --> 0:03:39.040 did a wonderful job with it. So yeah, back in 0:03:39.040 --> 0:03:42.480 twenty twelve, while I was working as a human resources professional, 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:46.160 I had a crisis of confidence, had an argument at 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:49.680 work with somebody and it sort of triggered a chain 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:55.840 reaction and yeah, unfortunately I started to be plagued by 0:03:55.880 --> 0:03:59.600 really negative thoughts, and it all happened in a relatively 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:04.280 short time, sort of like seven to ten days. Having 0:04:04.320 --> 0:04:07.400 said that, I think the cracks were always there, like 0:04:07.760 --> 0:04:10.880 you know, like many people, I have some childhood trauma 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:15.520 and you know, other sort of adverse life events that 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:20.400 have obviously sort of affected my mental health. But generally 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:24.640 I was known as a really positive person, enthusiastic, happy, 0:04:24.680 --> 0:04:29.600 go lucky, and nobody foresaw that I would actually get 0:04:29.640 --> 0:04:31.720 to a point where I made an attempt on my life. 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:36.599 So it's really big things. Yeah. 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:39.159 I listened to a little bit of like I said 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:41.280 to you before, just a little bit of a podcast 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:44.039 that you've done a few years ago talking about your experience, 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:48.400 and I really warmed to listening to it because it 0:04:49.960 --> 0:04:57.120 sounded like a very unique and relatable version of events 0:04:57.160 --> 0:05:03.960 that was just struck me as being so like ordinary 0:05:04.000 --> 0:05:08.000 and inverted commas, Like you know, we think that there's 0:05:08.720 --> 0:05:11.680 there's something I'm really big on this whole, like a 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:13.520 I don't know, I feel like I go for the 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:17.320 jugular on the whole, you know this or that kind 0:05:17.400 --> 0:05:20.640 of attitude of giving answers. It's like, oh, well, this 0:05:20.920 --> 0:05:25.680 is resilience, and it's like, no, maybe maybe that's resilience 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:28.919 and maybe it's dissociation. Like maybe Tip getting in the 0:05:28.920 --> 0:05:32.960 boxing ring and fighting is is resilience and toughness, or 0:05:32.960 --> 0:05:35.960 maybe it wasn't tough because she was. What she discovered 0:05:36.000 --> 0:05:37.920 later is she was kind of just a little bit 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:42.120 dissociated in that environment, which was real strength in the 0:05:42.120 --> 0:05:44.560 boxing ring. So that's maybe and maybe that's a good 0:05:44.600 --> 0:05:46.960 thing in that environment if you're aware. So it's that 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:51.080 whole nuance around Yeah, but maybe. 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:55.600 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Look, I think this topic is quite complex, 0:05:56.400 --> 0:05:59.880 and you know, it's individuals are complex. People are human 0:06:00.680 --> 0:06:04.839 are very complex, and so I personally don't think that 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:08.640 anyone is immune to a suicidal crisis. You just never 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.080 know what's going to happen in life. You know, we 0:06:11.120 --> 0:06:15.680 get curveballs all the time, and you know, in my circumstances, 0:06:15.880 --> 0:06:19.440 I often think of it now as like a perfect storm. 0:06:19.640 --> 0:06:23.640 You know, this sort of collision of the challenge that 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:29.040 I had at work and my history and it just created, unfortunately, 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:33.200 quite a catastrophic situation and you know, may very well 0:06:33.240 --> 0:06:38.240 have resulted in me no longer being around. So yeah, 0:06:38.279 --> 0:06:45.359 thankfully that wasn't the outcome. Thankfully. I woke up in 0:06:45.440 --> 0:06:49.839 hospital and very soon after came to the conclusion that 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:55.560 I must be meant to be here, and I became 0:06:55.640 --> 0:07:00.440 very interested in why it happened, you know, how I 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:04.160 could avoid it happening again, and what I was going 0:07:04.240 --> 0:07:06.440 to do next, because I thought, if this can happen 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:09.080 in my life, I think maybe I'm not on the 0:07:09.160 --> 0:07:14.480 right path. And so I left my corporate job. Interestingly, 0:07:14.720 --> 0:07:17.960 I set up my own business A sort of year 0:07:18.040 --> 0:07:22.120 and a half later, I would say, so, I did 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:26.240 some additional studies, sort of transitioned from HR to being 0:07:26.280 --> 0:07:29.480 a career coach, and yeah, set up my own business, 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:34.080 which I often marvel at because I think if anything 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:36.800 will test your mental health, it's running your own business. 0:07:37.440 --> 0:07:38.280 Yeah, correct her. 0:07:39.000 --> 0:07:42.320 Yeah, So to do that with Bragio mental health, I 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:45.720 think is quite interesting. But you know, mostly it's been good. 0:07:47.080 --> 0:07:49.800 There's been a few little sort of challenges along the way, 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:54.840 but yeah, that's sort of where I went next. And 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:59.360 after seven years as a career coach, I had this 0:07:59.480 --> 0:08:03.280 feeling I wanted to be one to many, not to 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:07.520 not one to one, and I became a mental health 0:08:07.640 --> 0:08:12.360 estaid instructor and ultimately sort of four and a half 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.760 years ago, transition full time into mental health and resilience. 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:21.440 So we have sort of tailored programs. We have a 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:26.040 suite of programs for our clients. I don't do one 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.000 on one work. It's really sort of training and speaking, 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:35.240 and I love it and it feels like a way 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:37.280 to have transformed what was sort of one of my 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:41.680 biggest challenges into something that's helpful to other people. 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:47.520 Yeah, it's to think that in seven days, that an 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:52.480 experience can create an onset of a seven day turnaround 0:08:52.559 --> 0:09:01.360 from being perceived mentally well and doing life to having 0:09:01.920 --> 0:09:05.199 made an attempt on that life. Can you share a 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.560 little bit about the experience of that as much as 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:10.320 you'd a little or as much as you'd like to, 0:09:10.400 --> 0:09:11.760 and that you'd think would be valuable. 0:09:12.679 --> 0:09:17.040 Yeah. Sure. So after that sort of incident at work 0:09:18.040 --> 0:09:22.960 and having these sort of self doubts come up, like 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:25.240 I said, it sort of triggered this chain reaction. So 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:29.199 everything that I was sort of experiencing, I was seeing 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:32.080 through this lens of I'm not good enough, there's something 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:35.840 wrong with me, and that stuff had been there, but 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:39.440 I'd done years of psychotherapy. I thought that I put 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:43.679 it all to bed, but yeah, I just felt so 0:09:43.800 --> 0:09:48.920 much doubt. I remember walking out of meetings and thinking, Oh, 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.320 they know you've got no idea what you're doing. I 0:09:51.520 --> 0:09:54.280 was doing something new in the organization I worked for. 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:56.680 I was on a project and I was leading a 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:58.800 small team, which was the first time I'd done that 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:03.559 in that company, and I'd been there sixteen years at 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:08.720 the time. So yeah, this nagging doubt was just there, 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:11.520 and the voice got louder and louder, and you know, 0:10:11.640 --> 0:10:14.600 it would have been great to reach out to somebody 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:18.000 and let them know what was going on, but I 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:21.360 felt if I did that that I would be broadcasting 0:10:21.400 --> 0:10:25.680 that I was a failure and I just my ego whatever, 0:10:25.760 --> 0:10:28.320 I could not cope with that. I just kept it 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:33.000 to myself. And yeah, like hid what was going on. 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:36.680 And at the time, my partner was away. He rarely 0:10:36.720 --> 0:10:38.640 went away. I think it was he went on a 0:10:38.679 --> 0:10:43.480 boys trip in his comby with a mate, and so 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:46.760 we're about four years into our relationship then, and I 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:48.559 didn't want to tell him what was going on because 0:10:48.600 --> 0:10:51.200 he'd never really gone away on a trip before, and so, 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:53.840 you know, didn't want to spoil that for him, and 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:57.080 the leader that I had at the time, as she 0:10:57.240 --> 0:10:59.960 was away overseas as well. So you know, I think 0:11:00.120 --> 0:11:03.440 there were just these little things that you know, contributed 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:08.040 to that perfect storm, if you know what I mean. So, yeah, 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:11.240 just the voice was louder and louder, and I started 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:14.400 to think that I'll get sacked from work, which you know, 0:11:14.440 --> 0:11:18.800 in hindsight, sixteen years in with a good performance record, 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:22.760 that was extremely unlikely. But you know, when we get 0:11:22.760 --> 0:11:28.160 into this mindset, we're not rational, and so you know, 0:11:28.240 --> 0:11:31.040 and the fact I wasn't talking to anyone about what 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:34.400 was going on, you know, then thoughts just got out 0:11:34.440 --> 0:11:39.520 of control. And then like the thought of losing my job, 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:41.160 you know, I was just like, oh my god, I'm 0:11:41.160 --> 0:11:43.200 going to be a terrible role model to my son. 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.680 He was only two at the time this happened. And 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:52.640 my partner had this property at townhouse when we met, 0:11:53.160 --> 0:11:56.719 and not long before this, I talked him into refinancing 0:11:56.760 --> 0:12:00.839 it to be better for our families' finances. And I 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:02.680 just thought, if I lose my job, we're going to 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.480 lose that house. And that was his townhouse and that 0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:09.040 was his batchpad. So I just felt this high percent 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:14.200 of responsibility which is related to my childhood, and I 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:18.640 just felt like I was basically mucking everything up, and 0:12:18.720 --> 0:12:23.080 so I just couldn't think of a way forward or 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:26.040 how to get myself out of the mess. And yeah, 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:31.040 I just in the end was like, I I can't 0:12:31.920 --> 0:12:34.160 I can't handle this. I don't know how to fix it. 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.240 And I think the best solution would be that I'm 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.760 not here. My family will be better off without me. 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:46.280 And so yeah, Unfortunately, on the twelfth of August twenty twelve, 0:12:46.440 --> 0:12:50.760 I made an attempt on my life. And as I said, 0:12:50.800 --> 0:12:54.000 it's actually been featured in austraighted story, So maybe if 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:59.520 some of the listeners are interested, they could check that out. Yeah, 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:04.840 and thankfully I survived that experience, and I'm so grateful. 0:13:05.080 --> 0:13:09.080 And I've actually had a second suicidal crisis that not 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:14.480 everybody knows about about two years ago and a bit 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:18.040 over two years ago, and it played out very differently 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:21.400 because last time I didn't speak to anybody, and this time, 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.040 you know, I talked to my partner about what I 0:13:24.080 --> 0:13:27.520 was going through. I got in to see a psychologist. 0:13:28.000 --> 0:13:31.040 I had friends around me that knew what was happening. 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:33.560 So I was talking about things and I got help, 0:13:33.760 --> 0:13:38.120 and it never actually escalated to the point of me 0:13:38.200 --> 0:13:42.640 making another attempt. I certainly had ideation, and it was 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:46.560 such an interesting experience because I didn't think it could 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:49.200 happen to me again, because you know, I work in 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:53.920 this space, and you know I've got such a really 0:13:54.080 --> 0:14:00.160 solid resilience toolkit. Now, yeah, just didn't really didn't think 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:07.319 it was possible, and I actually felt quite this is 0:14:07.360 --> 0:14:09.680 a strong web. But I felt disgusted in myself, to 0:14:09.720 --> 0:14:13.440 be honest, I felt like, who am I that when 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:17.439 the going gets tough, I want to like exit stage left. 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:20.720 I was like, what is that? Like, where does that 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:21.240 come from? 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:21.320 That? 0:14:21.440 --> 0:14:23.560 I think that's appropriate of that my mind wants to 0:14:23.600 --> 0:14:26.320 go there. And I did talk to the psychologist who 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:29.280 was treating me about that, and he said, it's sort 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:33.360 of like the ultimate escape fantasy. But you know, for 0:14:33.440 --> 0:14:36.520 somebody like me, you know there's a real risk because 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:40.680 I had this previous attempt. So yeah, that was a 0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:44.280 really interesting experience, and it was sort of nine weeks 0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:47.080 of being in a really challenging place where I had 0:14:47.080 --> 0:14:52.920 these thoughts just constantly plaguing me. And after nine weeks 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:58.200 I actually got to a point where I actually went 0:14:58.240 --> 0:15:02.680 and had a coffee with a friend and she said, 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:07.360 how are you? What's been happening? And the time I'd 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:11.920 seen her last was just before i'd started to unravel, 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:16.280 and I shared with her what had been going on, 0:15:16.440 --> 0:15:19.240 and she was really shocked and was like, oh, my goodness, 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:21.120 you know, I can't believe that. I wish you had 0:15:21.120 --> 0:15:23.720 to call me all of that stuff. Thankfully, I was 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:31.520 speaking to some friends, but after we met, I realized 0:15:31.560 --> 0:15:36.280 that I'd gone to that coffee catch up feeling okay, 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:39.840 like feeling well enough that day, but when I left, 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:44.840 I actually felt really down again, and I felt like 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:50.840 I felt almost like hopeless again. And I was like, wow, 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:54.120 like that's a really interesting energy. How did I go 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:59.200 from where I was to that? And I sort of 0:15:59.280 --> 0:16:03.000 realized that by talking about it, it was like I 0:16:03.240 --> 0:16:06.000 dropped back into the energy almost like I was, you know, 0:16:06.120 --> 0:16:11.160 marinating in that again. And I was just like, wow, 0:16:11.280 --> 0:16:14.120 like this isn't how I want to feel at all? 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:18.520 How do I want to feel? And so I really 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:26.040 started to think about reflect on, you know, what is 0:16:26.080 --> 0:16:28.120 it I want? What is it I want to feel? 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:31.880 What is it I want to exist in my life? 0:16:32.120 --> 0:16:35.520 And I thought you know, I want my phone to 0:16:35.600 --> 0:16:39.040 ring for my business. You know, I want to feel joyful, 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:43.400 and you know I want to feel connected. And so 0:16:43.480 --> 0:16:46.400 I really just sort of channeled this sort of feeling 0:16:46.760 --> 0:16:51.960 and thought, right, I don't have to talk to everybody 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:55.400 about what's going on. I'm already getting professional help. I've 0:16:55.400 --> 0:16:58.920 got a handful of friends that I'm speaking to. I 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.600 don't actually think it's serving me to just keep going 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:04.840 over what has been going on in my brain and 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:07.320 my life the past sort of a couple of months. 0:17:07.760 --> 0:17:10.560 And so, yeah, it was just this moment of Nope, 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:12.920 this is I'm going to step into what it is 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:17.240 that I actually want to feel. And from that point 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:20.480 I was able to just turn things around again, which 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:22.560 was pretty Yeah, felt great. 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:28.040 Wow, thank you for sharing that when you what I 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:30.240 was going to ask, And I guess it applies to 0:17:30.280 --> 0:17:34.160 both scenarios, but especially that first one where you woke 0:17:34.280 --> 0:17:39.240 up in hospital. What was what did it feel like? 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:39.680 Or what? 0:17:40.119 --> 0:17:44.160 How do you grasp a sense of self when when 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.320 a part of you has taken the wheel and acted 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:52.480 not in your best interests in it? So, like, how 0:17:52.520 --> 0:17:55.199 do we separate the emotion and the actions and the 0:17:55.280 --> 0:17:58.439 decisions from the person that's experiencing that, because I think 0:17:58.480 --> 0:18:02.720 that's the hardest part for people is like I do 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:05.639 this action, but I want to live and I just 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.160 want to like it. And for those of us who 0:18:08.200 --> 0:18:11.400 haven't experienced that, it's it's like, how do we get 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:13.719 a grasp of the understanding on that. 0:18:15.119 --> 0:18:19.840 Yeah, right when I woke up in the hospital, like 0:18:19.920 --> 0:18:25.480 it just felt surreal, I actually lost a lot of time. 0:18:26.560 --> 0:18:29.080 So I've got a black spot in terms of what 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:36.080 happened on that afternoon. I knew, you know, what I 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:38.960 had done, but yeah, like I said, that was a 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:42.040 black spot. And so I woke up like really disoriented. 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:45.440 You know, I didn't know where I was, felt really 0:18:45.480 --> 0:18:49.800 hot and uncomfortable. It had had these hypothermia blankets on me, 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:56.080 and I was in like the er and you know, 0:18:56.160 --> 0:18:59.680 there's really bright lights. My mother in law was there 0:18:59.720 --> 0:19:03.760 in my partner, and so I was really shocked because 0:19:03.840 --> 0:19:07.920 it wasn't the outcome I expected. And so yeah, once 0:19:07.960 --> 0:19:12.760 I sort of worked out what had gone on, Yeah, 0:19:12.800 --> 0:19:15.160 I just sort of process that, and as I said, 0:19:15.359 --> 0:19:18.600 fortunately for me, I thought I must be meant to 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:22.800 be here, because I don't think that is the conclusion 0:19:22.920 --> 0:19:23.760 for everybody. 0:19:23.800 --> 0:19:23.960 You know. 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:26.199 I've certainly heard of people saying, oh my gosh, I've 0:19:26.200 --> 0:19:29.840 failed at that as well. Thankfully that wasn't the reaction 0:19:30.080 --> 0:19:35.720 that happened for me. But yeah, it was really difficult 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:39.080 to sort of process that I had that I had 0:19:39.160 --> 0:19:42.160 done this, that I, you know, had taken that sort 0:19:42.160 --> 0:19:45.400 of action, because, like I said, I was a sort 0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:48.040 of person that no one would think would do that, 0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:53.359 including me, including me, you know, just like you know, 0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:58.680 really happy person, positive, cheerful, you know, people would say 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:01.920 to me when I was young and even as an adult, 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:05.040 like I want whatever you're on, you know, and that 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:09.840 wasn't a mask, that is my disposition. But it seems 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:21.119 that sometimes I I can just experience such incredible self 0:20:21.160 --> 0:20:26.080 doubt and shame. I think shame's a really big part 0:20:26.119 --> 0:20:30.600 of all of this. Shame is huge. I think it's 0:20:30.680 --> 0:20:34.399 definitely something that can put people at risk of suicide. Shame, 0:20:36.440 --> 0:20:42.080 and so yeah, it's yeah, it wasn't a difficult. It 0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:48.159 wasn't an easy situation to reconcile at all. And I 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:52.359 think like from both of those experiences, one of the 0:20:52.359 --> 0:20:57.040 biggest takeaways is really just that it's not the answer. 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:01.960 It's never the answer, and that we are always changing 0:21:02.560 --> 0:21:07.760 and our circumstances are always changing as well, and so 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:11.240 it's just so important that we can like hang on 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:14.840 and hang in there and that the people around us 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:19.479 have some idea how to support us if we're having 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:24.240 sort of suicidal thoughts or even just experiencing mental health problems, 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:29.080 because you know, that's the start of it usually, and 0:21:29.160 --> 0:21:34.600 so you know, letting people know that it's temporary, that 0:21:35.119 --> 0:21:38.920 all of that feelings are temporary. 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:41.800 I wrote down before when you were talking, I wrote 0:21:41.800 --> 0:21:44.680 down what's holding me together? And because I was thinking 0:21:44.720 --> 0:21:49.639 of like that understanding of what are the things that 0:21:50.119 --> 0:21:55.520 are holding us together that when and we may not 0:21:55.600 --> 0:21:58.800 be aware of it, but when they a few of 0:21:58.800 --> 0:22:01.600 those links disappear in a moment like the perfect storm 0:22:01.640 --> 0:22:06.879 you described, that we then end up like hanging in 0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:10.960 another space momentarily. It's and it's it just makes me 0:22:11.080 --> 0:22:18.760 kind of also think about that, reflecting on what you know, 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:23.679 the difference between coping mechanisms and how much and I 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:25.960 guess it's more of the for me, the awareness of them. 0:22:25.960 --> 0:22:29.520 Are we aware of how we're coping? And coping is 0:22:29.560 --> 0:22:31.439 not a bad thing or a good thing. It's just 0:22:31.480 --> 0:22:34.080 a thing, and there's you know, there's a continuum, and 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:36.679 there's a level of coping we just have to do 0:22:36.760 --> 0:22:39.840 in life, and there's also a level of maybe self 0:22:39.840 --> 0:22:44.720 exploration or healing or whatever our journey, for lack of 0:22:44.720 --> 0:22:48.560 a better word requires. What do you have any thoughts 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:52.160 on those types of things? Yeah? 0:22:52.440 --> 0:23:00.119 Sure, Look, I think ideally we want to thrive. We 0:23:00.200 --> 0:23:03.800 want to spend as much time as we can thriving. 0:23:04.400 --> 0:23:07.120 And I think you're absolutely right self awareness is part 0:23:07.160 --> 0:23:11.960 of that and healing because we all have some form 0:23:12.000 --> 0:23:15.480 of trauma, right. I remember years ago I was at 0:23:15.520 --> 0:23:21.760 like a it was like a personal growth sort of experience. 0:23:21.920 --> 0:23:24.040 We sort of sat in circle for a few days 0:23:24.080 --> 0:23:27.719 and everyone was sort of addressing their stuff, so to speak. 0:23:27.800 --> 0:23:31.680 And I met this beautiful girl there who was much 0:23:31.760 --> 0:23:34.919 younger than me, and I gave her a lift after 0:23:35.320 --> 0:23:40.320 the retreat. And during the retreat, I realized that she 0:23:40.760 --> 0:23:47.680 had had, you know, some pretty challenging childhood experiences. And 0:23:47.960 --> 0:23:52.520 I said, oh my gosh, I just feel so sad 0:23:52.600 --> 0:23:56.600 that you had to go through that. You know, it 0:23:56.760 --> 0:23:59.840 just doesn't seem fair, you know, the way life happens sometimes. 0:24:00.040 --> 0:24:03.800 And she said to me, Donna you know, we've all 0:24:03.840 --> 0:24:07.600 got trauma, right, like, you know, it's not a matter 0:24:07.640 --> 0:24:10.800 of my trauma's bigger than your trauma. And she said, look, 0:24:10.880 --> 0:24:17.240 if you've led this charmed life, you know, your first 0:24:17.280 --> 0:24:22.120 relationship breakup can be your trauma. You know, like it's 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:25.080 it's about how we respond to this stuff and how 0:24:25.119 --> 0:24:27.680 we feel about this stuff and the messages we take 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:30.320 from it and everything and so and the baggage that 0:24:30.359 --> 0:24:35.000 we take forward from those experiences. And what she said 0:24:35.160 --> 0:24:38.320 really resonated with me. You know, I think that there 0:24:38.359 --> 0:24:40.840 are a lot of people walking around in our communities 0:24:40.880 --> 0:24:43.200 that have trauma. There are a lot of people with shame, 0:24:43.840 --> 0:24:46.000 and a lot of people don't know what to do 0:24:46.080 --> 0:24:50.360 with this stuff, you know, and so yeah, I think 0:24:50.440 --> 0:24:52.480 all of that can put us at risk of mental 0:24:52.480 --> 0:24:55.720 health problems. And you know, in terms of that, you know, 0:24:55.800 --> 0:24:59.440 spectrum of coping. You know, coping is this great and 0:24:59.560 --> 0:25:03.359 it's a it's partly you know what resilience is our 0:25:03.400 --> 0:25:08.240 ability to cope with the challenges of life. But sometimes 0:25:08.280 --> 0:25:11.520 that coping can be adaptive, you know, like having practices 0:25:11.600 --> 0:25:16.359 like breathing, you know, techniques. I'm a cyclist, riding my 0:25:16.440 --> 0:25:18.920 bicycle is my happy place. I would do and even 0:25:19.119 --> 0:25:22.439 if it wasn't good for you, because it makes me 0:25:22.480 --> 0:25:27.000 so happy, right, And so that's obviously adaptive, you know, 0:25:27.080 --> 0:25:31.280 going to the gym, you know, eating nutrition, nutritious food. 0:25:32.320 --> 0:25:36.600 But then lots of us have maladaptive strategies, so you know, 0:25:36.720 --> 0:25:40.199 obviously drinking could be one of those, or drinking excessively 0:25:42.800 --> 0:25:45.760 eating you know, food. For many of us, we have 0:25:45.800 --> 0:25:50.040 an interesting relationship with food. It's comfort, you know, the 0:25:50.119 --> 0:25:53.159 same you know, it could be said for even TV. 0:25:53.640 --> 0:25:56.359 And so it's sort of like, what what are we 0:25:56.560 --> 0:26:00.680 getting from this experience? You know, because often we're just numbing, 0:26:00.800 --> 0:26:05.480 you know, it's a coping strategy of just not feeling 0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:11.080