Speaker 1: Welcome to Healthy Ish Gooday. How are you hope you
Speaker 1: are having a well healthy day? Of course, I am
Speaker 1: Felicity Harley, host of the Daly podcast. From Body and Soul,
Speaker 1: Award winning sexologist and author Chantel Otten is back well,
Speaker 1: not just on our podcast, but she's back with another
Speaker 1: season of her awesome audible series, and today she discusses
Speaker 1: how to find confidence when you know what you want
Speaker 1: in bed, how to actually tell your partner what you
Speaker 1: want them to do. Yes, folks, this week we are
Speaker 1: focusing on all things sex and relationships, speaking apart key
Speaker 1: themes well from not only Chantel's new series, but also
Speaker 1: our Body and Soul twenty twenty four sex Census. If
Speaker 1: you want more from Chantelle, make sure you're listening to
Speaker 1: Extra Healthy Is. We have a great chat and she
Speaker 1: shares exactly what makes great sex In case you've ever wondered,
Speaker 1: I'm sure you have. You can catch that wherever you
Speaker 1: get your podcasts. Chantelle. Nice to have you back on
Speaker 1: the podcast. The time you're regular.
Speaker 2: I know the terms of chart, isn't it?
Speaker 1: Absolutely? And second time for your new series. I want
Speaker 1: to talk particularly about the first episode about a woman
Speaker 1: who can easily climax in solo play, but can't orgasm
Speaker 1: with her partners. Tell us about this.
Speaker 2: This is a really common presentation, and I think it
Speaker 2: just shows like the impact of performance anxiety. You know,
Speaker 2: I think we all get a little bit nervous around
Speaker 2: other people. We worry about how we look, how it's
Speaker 2: going to feel for them, how it feels for us
Speaker 2: as well. I also think, you know, we know our
Speaker 2: body's best, but then we don't know how to express
Speaker 2: how we like to be pleasured. And that comes in
Speaker 2: a lot for those who have volvers as well, because
Speaker 2: they don't they don't know how to say pleasure is
Speaker 2: from me, I'm deserving of pleasure. This is how I
Speaker 2: like to be pleasured as well. So that episode was
Speaker 2: a really great one because it really just tapped into
Speaker 2: it just a very common question or a common problem.
Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, I agree and so much. You know, thankfully,
Speaker 1: since the sexual wellness revolution, so many of us you know,
Speaker 1: are doing the solo play. So now the next kind
Speaker 1: of thing is, you know, to move that with your partner.
Speaker 1: So how do we do this? How do we find
Speaker 1: more confidence in well, perhaps asking what we want first
Speaker 1: and foremost, I think.
Speaker 2: We have to understand what we want. So that means
Speaker 2: paying attention. That means being mindful in our bodies, being
Speaker 2: present in our bodies, being aware of what we enjoy
Speaker 2: for our own solo play, but also with our partner.
Speaker 2: What do we enjoy when we're with them as well?
Speaker 2: And are we confident enough to be able to express
Speaker 2: how we enjoy being pleasured if we notice that there's
Speaker 2: hesitation there, or if we feel uncomfortable, or if we
Speaker 2: don't know how to kind of bring up the topic
Speaker 2: of you know, where we want to be touched, you know,
Speaker 2: for how long, what pressure with what? As well? You know,
Speaker 2: are we're talking fingers, are we talking a vibrator, we're
Speaker 2: talking other bodily parts. If we don't feel confident in
Speaker 2: expressing that, then it's going to be very difficult for
Speaker 2: us to get the type of sex that we want
Speaker 2: to be a guess experiencing how.
Speaker 1: Do we express it? Like so, if we can get
Speaker 1: comfortable in what we want and you know, what we're
Speaker 1: using or whatever, how do we actually how do we
Speaker 1: ask for it? How do we bring it up?
Speaker 2: We need to practice I think practicing vocalizing a little
Speaker 2: bit more. If you can write down what you like
Speaker 2: for some foremosts that means that at least you're aware
Speaker 2: of what it is, and then you can practicing it
Speaker 2: in front of the mirror, or you can practice like
Speaker 2: little bits in terms of erotic experiences, like Babe, I
Speaker 2: love that to the left a little bit would be great,
Speaker 2: or like can you press a little bit harder? That
Speaker 2: feels so good? Come from like a positive angle as well,
Speaker 2: making sure that there's no criticism there, and you know,
Speaker 2: I guess really just expressing more around what works rather
Speaker 2: than what doesn't.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good advice actually, because rather than saying, oh
Speaker 1: I don't do that, don't do that, and then suddenly
Speaker 1: you know, your partner may freeze up and think, oh
Speaker 1: I can't do anything right. So if you approach and.
Speaker 2: No one wants to be told that doesn't feel good,
Speaker 2: don't do that, no one wants that, then you go,
Speaker 2: I just might as well you up.
Speaker 1: You know, is it better to do it in the
Speaker 1: moment or is it a matter you know? Can you
Speaker 1: sit down beforehand with your list, say I like this,
Speaker 1: I like that.
Speaker 2: So in my book I have like a yes, no,
Speaker 2: maybe list, and I think that this is a really
Speaker 2: it's a really great tool because a lot of the time,
Speaker 2: a lot of people go, well, I don't even know
Speaker 2: what I want. I don't even know what I like.
Speaker 2: They don't know what's acceptable for them to be able
Speaker 2: to even tap into or to explore. So I made
Speaker 2: a really big list, put it in my book, and
Speaker 2: we look at it as in like is a green light? No?
Speaker 2: Is a red light? Maybe? Is the end the light?
Speaker 2: It's kind of like when you're driving a car, what's
Speaker 2: going to put the accelerator on, what's going to take
Speaker 2: your foot off the accelerator, and what's like a oh,
Speaker 2: I could go there, but you know, with caution and
Speaker 2: with an understanding of what I'm going to experience, so
Speaker 2: you can sit down and have your yuest no maybe
Speaker 2: list and explain, like I really like receiving, you know,
Speaker 2: oral play when we do it like this, and but
Speaker 2: I have to be relaxed enough. It can't be too
Speaker 2: late at night because then I'll probably fall asleep, So
Speaker 2: I prefer it on Sunday morning. You know, explaining yes exactly,
Speaker 2: Like explaining.
Speaker 1: Would be nodding right now, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: We get tired. I think also, that's a huge thing
Speaker 2: to think about a lot of people expect that sex
Speaker 2: should be happening late at night and it's always going
Speaker 2: to be exciting and vibrant. But I don't know about you,
Speaker 2: but if I'm working like a huge day, or if
Speaker 2: I've been traveling, I just want to sleep, you know.
Speaker 2: I think like morning will be a bit of you know, option,
Speaker 2: waking up half an hour earlier, an hour earlier, you know,
Speaker 2: really than experiencing pleasure at a time that suits you,
Speaker 2: where you are going to be relaxed, where you're not
Speaker 2: going to be overthinking things like, Okay, it's eleven PM.
Speaker 2: If we start having sex now, then it's going to
Speaker 2: be twelve and then I've only got six hours sleep left. Like,
Speaker 2: all of that comes into performance anxiety, and all of
Speaker 2: that comes into the way that we experience pleasure with
Speaker 2: our partners as well. It's very different speaking.
Speaker 1: My language here. Don't worry, especially when it comes to
Speaker 1: having a strict sleep rountine, which doesn't include sex. But
Speaker 1: you're so right, we don't. Probably the fact that you
Speaker 1: know the time and we're all living such busy lives.
Speaker 1: We crawl into bed, we just want to sleep, but
Speaker 1: we don't really think about that in terms of performance
Speaker 1: anxiety that that can affect how you feel and whether
Speaker 1: you're ready.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, performance anxiety can hit anyone, even the
Speaker 2: most confidence sexual being. You know, we think are we
Speaker 2: doing it right, especially if it's like a new partner.
Speaker 2: But I think even withsting partners, we don't often think
Speaker 2: is this what they want as well? We're just like,
Speaker 2: this worked last time, This was a formula, This was
Speaker 2: a menu that worked. Last time. We did this for
Speaker 2: you know, entree four play. We did this for the
Speaker 2: main course and then for dessert. You know, aftercare we
Speaker 2: might have cuddled for a little bit and that was
Speaker 2: really really great. But we don't often think do they
Speaker 2: want to change it up? Do I want to change
Speaker 2: it up? We just start sticking to the same sexual
Speaker 2: menu every single time, and that gets boring. It's like
Speaker 2: us going out to have the same meal every time
Speaker 2: we go out for date night. We start losing motivation
Speaker 2: to go out for date night if we're going to
Speaker 2: be having the same thing every single time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely mix it up and different times a day
Speaker 1: is key. Chantel, thank you for coming on Healthy Ish,
Speaker 1: Thank you. Season two of the Audibile original series Sex
Speaker 1: Therapy Sessions with Chantel otten is out now. You can
Speaker 1: listen for free or will leave a link to that
Speaker 1: in the show notes, as well as a link to
Speaker 1: all the info on Body and Souls twenty twenty four
Speaker 1: six census.
Speaker 2: If you got.
Speaker 1: Something out of this chat from Chantel tell Us, you
Speaker 1: can rate and review this episode, or of course subscribe
Speaker 1: to this podcast. Anything else, head to bodyandsoul dot com
Speaker 1: dot for us and socials grob Our print edition which
Speaker 1: is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow,
Speaker 1: Stay healthy.