WEBVTT - Chantelle Otten on asking for exactly what you want in bed

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Healthy Ish Gooday. How are you hope you

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<v Speaker 1>are having a well healthy day? Of course, I am

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<v Speaker 1>Felicity Harley, host of the Daly podcast. From Body and Soul,

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<v Speaker 1>Award winning sexologist and author Chantel Otten is back well,

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<v Speaker 1>not just on our podcast, but she's back with another

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<v Speaker 1>season of her awesome audible series, and today she discusses

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<v Speaker 1>how to find confidence when you know what you want

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<v Speaker 1>in bed, how to actually tell your partner what you

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<v Speaker 1>want them to do. Yes, folks, this week we are

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<v Speaker 1>focusing on all things sex and relationships, speaking apart key

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<v Speaker 1>themes well from not only Chantel's new series, but also

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<v Speaker 1>our Body and Soul twenty twenty four sex Census. If

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<v Speaker 1>you want more from Chantelle, make sure you're listening to

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<v Speaker 1>Extra Healthy Is. We have a great chat and she

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<v Speaker 1>shares exactly what makes great sex In case you've ever wondered,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sure you have. You can catch that wherever you

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<v Speaker 1>get your podcasts. Chantelle. Nice to have you back on

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<v Speaker 1>the podcast. The time you're regular.

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<v Speaker 2>I know the terms of chart, isn't it?

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<v Speaker 1>Absolutely? And second time for your new series. I want

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<v Speaker 1>to talk particularly about the first episode about a woman

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<v Speaker 1>who can easily climax in solo play, but can't orgasm

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<v Speaker 1>with her partners. Tell us about this.

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<v Speaker 2>This is a really common presentation, and I think it

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<v Speaker 2>just shows like the impact of performance anxiety. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>I think we all get a little bit nervous around

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<v Speaker 2>other people. We worry about how we look, how it's

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<v Speaker 2>going to feel for them, how it feels for us

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<v Speaker 2>as well. I also think, you know, we know our

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<v Speaker 2>body's best, but then we don't know how to express

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<v Speaker 2>how we like to be pleasured. And that comes in

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<v Speaker 2>a lot for those who have volvers as well, because

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<v Speaker 2>they don't they don't know how to say pleasure is

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<v Speaker 2>from me, I'm deserving of pleasure. This is how I

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<v Speaker 2>like to be pleasured as well. So that episode was

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<v Speaker 2>a really great one because it really just tapped into

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<v Speaker 2>it just a very common question or a common problem.

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<v Speaker 1>I guess, yeah, I agree and so much. You know, thankfully,

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<v Speaker 1>since the sexual wellness revolution, so many of us you know,

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<v Speaker 1>are doing the solo play. So now the next kind

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<v Speaker 1>of thing is, you know, to move that with your partner.

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<v Speaker 1>So how do we do this? How do we find

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<v Speaker 1>more confidence in well, perhaps asking what we want first

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<v Speaker 1>and foremost, I think.

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<v Speaker 2>We have to understand what we want. So that means

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<v Speaker 2>paying attention. That means being mindful in our bodies, being

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<v Speaker 2>present in our bodies, being aware of what we enjoy

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<v Speaker 2>for our own solo play, but also with our partner.

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<v Speaker 2>What do we enjoy when we're with them as well?

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<v Speaker 2>And are we confident enough to be able to express

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<v Speaker 2>how we enjoy being pleasured if we notice that there's

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<v Speaker 2>hesitation there, or if we feel uncomfortable, or if we

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<v Speaker 2>don't know how to kind of bring up the topic

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<v Speaker 2>of you know, where we want to be touched, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>for how long, what pressure with what? As well? You know,

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<v Speaker 2>are we're talking fingers, are we talking a vibrator, we're

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<v Speaker 2>talking other bodily parts. If we don't feel confident in

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<v Speaker 2>expressing that, then it's going to be very difficult for

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<v Speaker 2>us to get the type of sex that we want

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<v Speaker 2>to be a guess experiencing how.

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<v Speaker 1>Do we express it? Like so, if we can get

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<v Speaker 1>comfortable in what we want and you know, what we're

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<v Speaker 1>using or whatever, how do we actually how do we

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<v Speaker 1>ask for it? How do we bring it up?

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<v Speaker 2>We need to practice I think practicing vocalizing a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit more. If you can write down what you like

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<v Speaker 2>for some foremosts that means that at least you're aware

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<v Speaker 2>of what it is, and then you can practicing it

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<v Speaker 2>in front of the mirror, or you can practice like

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<v Speaker 2>little bits in terms of erotic experiences, like Babe, I

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<v Speaker 2>love that to the left a little bit would be great,

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<v Speaker 2>or like can you press a little bit harder? That

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<v Speaker 2>feels so good? Come from like a positive angle as well,

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<v Speaker 2>making sure that there's no criticism there, and you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I guess really just expressing more around what works rather

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<v Speaker 2>than what doesn't.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's good advice actually, because rather than saying, oh

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<v Speaker 1>I don't do that, don't do that, and then suddenly

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<v Speaker 1>you know, your partner may freeze up and think, oh

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<v Speaker 1>I can't do anything right. So if you approach and.

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<v Speaker 2>No one wants to be told that doesn't feel good,

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<v Speaker 2>don't do that, no one wants that, then you go,

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<v Speaker 2>I just might as well you up.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, is it better to do it in the

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<v Speaker 1>moment or is it a matter you know? Can you

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<v Speaker 1>sit down beforehand with your list, say I like this,

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<v Speaker 1>I like that.

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<v Speaker 2>So in my book I have like a yes, no,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe list, and I think that this is a really

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<v Speaker 2>it's a really great tool because a lot of the time,

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of people go, well, I don't even know

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<v Speaker 2>what I want. I don't even know what I like.

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<v Speaker 2>They don't know what's acceptable for them to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to even tap into or to explore. So I made

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<v Speaker 2>a really big list, put it in my book, and

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<v Speaker 2>we look at it as in like is a green light? No?

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<v Speaker 2>Is a red light? Maybe? Is the end the light?

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<v Speaker 2>It's kind of like when you're driving a car, what's

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<v Speaker 2>going to put the accelerator on, what's going to take

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<v Speaker 2>your foot off the accelerator, and what's like a oh,

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<v Speaker 2>I could go there, but you know, with caution and

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<v Speaker 2>with an understanding of what I'm going to experience, so

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<v Speaker 2>you can sit down and have your yuest no maybe

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<v Speaker 2>list and explain, like I really like receiving, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>oral play when we do it like this, and but

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<v Speaker 2>I have to be relaxed enough. It can't be too

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<v Speaker 2>late at night because then I'll probably fall asleep, So

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<v Speaker 2>I prefer it on Sunday morning. You know, explaining yes exactly,

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<v Speaker 2>Like explaining.

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<v Speaker 1>Would be nodding right now, yeah, exactly.

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<v Speaker 2>We get tired. I think also, that's a huge thing

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<v Speaker 2>to think about a lot of people expect that sex

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<v Speaker 2>should be happening late at night and it's always going

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<v Speaker 2>to be exciting and vibrant. But I don't know about you,

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<v Speaker 2>but if I'm working like a huge day, or if

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<v Speaker 2>I've been traveling, I just want to sleep, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>I think like morning will be a bit of you know, option,

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<v Speaker 2>waking up half an hour earlier, an hour earlier, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>really than experiencing pleasure at a time that suits you,

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<v Speaker 2>where you are going to be relaxed, where you're not

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<v Speaker 2>going to be overthinking things like, Okay, it's eleven PM.

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<v Speaker 2>If we start having sex now, then it's going to

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<v Speaker 2>be twelve and then I've only got six hours sleep left. Like,

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<v Speaker 2>all of that comes into performance anxiety, and all of

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<v Speaker 2>that comes into the way that we experience pleasure with

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<v Speaker 2>our partners as well. It's very different speaking.

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<v Speaker 1>My language here. Don't worry, especially when it comes to

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<v Speaker 1>having a strict sleep rountine, which doesn't include sex. But

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<v Speaker 1>you're so right, we don't. Probably the fact that you

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<v Speaker 1>know the time and we're all living such busy lives.

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<v Speaker 1>We crawl into bed, we just want to sleep, but

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<v Speaker 1>we don't really think about that in terms of performance

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<v Speaker 1>anxiety that that can affect how you feel and whether

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<v Speaker 1>you're ready.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my god, performance anxiety can hit anyone, even the

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<v Speaker 2>most confidence sexual being. You know, we think are we

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<v Speaker 2>doing it right, especially if it's like a new partner.

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<v Speaker 2>But I think even withsting partners, we don't often think

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<v Speaker 2>is this what they want as well? We're just like,

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<v Speaker 2>this worked last time, This was a formula, This was

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<v Speaker 2>a menu that worked. Last time. We did this for

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<v Speaker 2>you know, entree four play. We did this for the

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<v Speaker 2>main course and then for dessert. You know, aftercare we

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<v Speaker 2>might have cuddled for a little bit and that was

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<v Speaker 2>really really great. But we don't often think do they

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<v Speaker 2>want to change it up? Do I want to change

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<v Speaker 2>it up? We just start sticking to the same sexual

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<v Speaker 2>menu every single time, and that gets boring. It's like

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<v Speaker 2>us going out to have the same meal every time

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<v Speaker 2>we go out for date night. We start losing motivation

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<v Speaker 2>to go out for date night if we're going to

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<v Speaker 2>be having the same thing every single time.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, absolutely mix it up and different times a day

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<v Speaker 1>is key. Chantel, thank you for coming on Healthy Ish,

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you. Season two of the Audibile original series Sex

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<v Speaker 1>Therapy Sessions with Chantel otten is out now. You can

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<v Speaker 1>listen for free or will leave a link to that

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<v Speaker 1>in the show notes, as well as a link to

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<v Speaker 1>all the info on Body and Souls twenty twenty four

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<v Speaker 1>six census.

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<v Speaker 2>If you got.

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<v Speaker 1>Something out of this chat from Chantel tell Us, you

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<v Speaker 1>can rate and review this episode, or of course subscribe

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<v Speaker 1>to this podcast. Anything else, head to bodyandsoul dot com

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<v Speaker 1>dot for us and socials grob Our print edition which

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<v Speaker 1>is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow,

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<v Speaker 1>Stay healthy.