1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:02,800 Speaker 1: Welcome to Healthy Ish Gooday. How are you hope you 2 00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:06,000 Speaker 1: are having a well healthy day? Of course, I am 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,040 Speaker 1: Felicity Harley, host of the Daly podcast. From Body and Soul, 4 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:13,399 Speaker 1: Award winning sexologist and author Chantel Otten is back well, 5 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: not just on our podcast, but she's back with another 6 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:20,480 Speaker 1: season of her awesome audible series, and today she discusses 7 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: how to find confidence when you know what you want 8 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,200 Speaker 1: in bed, how to actually tell your partner what you 9 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,960 Speaker 1: want them to do. Yes, folks, this week we are 10 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,760 Speaker 1: focusing on all things sex and relationships, speaking apart key 11 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,840 Speaker 1: themes well from not only Chantel's new series, but also 12 00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:39,639 Speaker 1: our Body and Soul twenty twenty four sex Census. If 13 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,360 Speaker 1: you want more from Chantelle, make sure you're listening to 14 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: Extra Healthy Is. We have a great chat and she 15 00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 1: shares exactly what makes great sex In case you've ever wondered, 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: I'm sure you have. You can catch that wherever you 17 00:00:51,640 --> 00:01:08,040 Speaker 1: get your podcasts. Chantelle. Nice to have you back on 18 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:10,199 Speaker 1: the podcast. The time you're regular. 19 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,399 Speaker 2: I know the terms of chart, isn't it? 20 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 1: Absolutely? And second time for your new series. I want 21 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,960 Speaker 1: to talk particularly about the first episode about a woman 22 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: who can easily climax in solo play, but can't orgasm 23 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,360 Speaker 1: with her partners. Tell us about this. 24 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,080 Speaker 2: This is a really common presentation, and I think it 25 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 2: just shows like the impact of performance anxiety. You know, 26 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,000 Speaker 2: I think we all get a little bit nervous around 27 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,360 Speaker 2: other people. We worry about how we look, how it's 28 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 2: going to feel for them, how it feels for us 29 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:46,479 Speaker 2: as well. I also think, you know, we know our 30 00:01:46,480 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 2: body's best, but then we don't know how to express 31 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 2: how we like to be pleasured. And that comes in 32 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,720 Speaker 2: a lot for those who have volvers as well, because 33 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:59,800 Speaker 2: they don't they don't know how to say pleasure is 34 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,960 Speaker 2: from me, I'm deserving of pleasure. This is how I 35 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 2: like to be pleasured as well. So that episode was 36 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 2: a really great one because it really just tapped into 37 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:13,560 Speaker 2: it just a very common question or a common problem. 38 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:17,200 Speaker 1: I guess, yeah, I agree and so much. You know, thankfully, 39 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,480 Speaker 1: since the sexual wellness revolution, so many of us you know, 40 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,760 Speaker 1: are doing the solo play. So now the next kind 41 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,320 Speaker 1: of thing is, you know, to move that with your partner. 42 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,119 Speaker 1: So how do we do this? How do we find 43 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:33,080 Speaker 1: more confidence in well, perhaps asking what we want first 44 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,160 Speaker 1: and foremost, I think. 45 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,600 Speaker 2: We have to understand what we want. So that means 46 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,520 Speaker 2: paying attention. That means being mindful in our bodies, being 47 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,400 Speaker 2: present in our bodies, being aware of what we enjoy 48 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,240 Speaker 2: for our own solo play, but also with our partner. 49 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 2: What do we enjoy when we're with them as well? 50 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 2: And are we confident enough to be able to express 51 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 2: how we enjoy being pleasured if we notice that there's 52 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,600 Speaker 2: hesitation there, or if we feel uncomfortable, or if we 53 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 2: don't know how to kind of bring up the topic 54 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:06,079 Speaker 2: of you know, where we want to be touched, you know, 55 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:10,560 Speaker 2: for how long, what pressure with what? As well? You know, 56 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 2: are we're talking fingers, are we talking a vibrator, we're 57 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,600 Speaker 2: talking other bodily parts. If we don't feel confident in 58 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 2: expressing that, then it's going to be very difficult for 59 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 2: us to get the type of sex that we want 60 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,359 Speaker 2: to be a guess experiencing how. 61 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: Do we express it? Like so, if we can get 62 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 1: comfortable in what we want and you know, what we're 63 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,720 Speaker 1: using or whatever, how do we actually how do we 64 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,960 Speaker 1: ask for it? How do we bring it up? 65 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:40,000 Speaker 2: We need to practice I think practicing vocalizing a little 66 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,280 Speaker 2: bit more. If you can write down what you like 67 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 2: for some foremosts that means that at least you're aware 68 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,320 Speaker 2: of what it is, and then you can practicing it 69 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 2: in front of the mirror, or you can practice like 70 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:53,520 Speaker 2: little bits in terms of erotic experiences, like Babe, I 71 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 2: love that to the left a little bit would be great, 72 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,960 Speaker 2: or like can you press a little bit harder? That 73 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,360 Speaker 2: feels so good? Come from like a positive angle as well, 74 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 2: making sure that there's no criticism there, and you know, 75 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:11,080 Speaker 2: I guess really just expressing more around what works rather 76 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 2: than what doesn't. 77 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good advice actually, because rather than saying, oh 78 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,280 Speaker 1: I don't do that, don't do that, and then suddenly 79 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: you know, your partner may freeze up and think, oh 80 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,839 Speaker 1: I can't do anything right. So if you approach and. 81 00:04:21,839 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 2: No one wants to be told that doesn't feel good, 82 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,720 Speaker 2: don't do that, no one wants that, then you go, 83 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 2: I just might as well you up. 84 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: You know, is it better to do it in the 85 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 1: moment or is it a matter you know? Can you 86 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:35,880 Speaker 1: sit down beforehand with your list, say I like this, 87 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:36,520 Speaker 1: I like that. 88 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 2: So in my book I have like a yes, no, 89 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 2: maybe list, and I think that this is a really 90 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 2: it's a really great tool because a lot of the time, 91 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 2: a lot of people go, well, I don't even know 92 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 2: what I want. I don't even know what I like. 93 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 2: They don't know what's acceptable for them to be able 94 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 2: to even tap into or to explore. So I made 95 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 2: a really big list, put it in my book, and 96 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,560 Speaker 2: we look at it as in like is a green light? No? 97 00:05:01,839 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 2: Is a red light? Maybe? Is the end the light? 98 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,240 Speaker 2: It's kind of like when you're driving a car, what's 99 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,440 Speaker 2: going to put the accelerator on, what's going to take 100 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 2: your foot off the accelerator, and what's like a oh, 101 00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 2: I could go there, but you know, with caution and 102 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,960 Speaker 2: with an understanding of what I'm going to experience, so 103 00:05:16,839 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 2: you can sit down and have your yuest no maybe 104 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 2: list and explain, like I really like receiving, you know, 105 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 2: oral play when we do it like this, and but 106 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,360 Speaker 2: I have to be relaxed enough. It can't be too 107 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 2: late at night because then I'll probably fall asleep, So 108 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 2: I prefer it on Sunday morning. You know, explaining yes exactly, 109 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,239 Speaker 2: Like explaining. 110 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 1: Would be nodding right now, yeah, exactly. 111 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 2: We get tired. I think also, that's a huge thing 112 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,640 Speaker 2: to think about a lot of people expect that sex 113 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,800 Speaker 2: should be happening late at night and it's always going 114 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 2: to be exciting and vibrant. But I don't know about you, 115 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,880 Speaker 2: but if I'm working like a huge day, or if 116 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 2: I've been traveling, I just want to sleep, you know. 117 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 2: I think like morning will be a bit of you know, option, 118 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 2: waking up half an hour earlier, an hour earlier, you know, 119 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,479 Speaker 2: really than experiencing pleasure at a time that suits you, 120 00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 2: where you are going to be relaxed, where you're not 121 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 2: going to be overthinking things like, Okay, it's eleven PM. 122 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 2: If we start having sex now, then it's going to 123 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,280 Speaker 2: be twelve and then I've only got six hours sleep left. Like, 124 00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 2: all of that comes into performance anxiety, and all of 125 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,240 Speaker 2: that comes into the way that we experience pleasure with 126 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:28,080 Speaker 2: our partners as well. It's very different speaking. 127 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,560 Speaker 1: My language here. Don't worry, especially when it comes to 128 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:33,200 Speaker 1: having a strict sleep rountine, which doesn't include sex. But 129 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,960 Speaker 1: you're so right, we don't. Probably the fact that you 130 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: know the time and we're all living such busy lives. 131 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: We crawl into bed, we just want to sleep, but 132 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,640 Speaker 1: we don't really think about that in terms of performance 133 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,920 Speaker 1: anxiety that that can affect how you feel and whether 134 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: you're ready. 135 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 2: Oh my god, performance anxiety can hit anyone, even the 136 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,960 Speaker 2: most confidence sexual being. You know, we think are we 137 00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 2: doing it right, especially if it's like a new partner. 138 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,839 Speaker 2: But I think even withsting partners, we don't often think 139 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,800 Speaker 2: is this what they want as well? We're just like, 140 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 2: this worked last time, This was a formula, This was 141 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 2: a menu that worked. Last time. We did this for 142 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 2: you know, entree four play. We did this for the 143 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 2: main course and then for dessert. You know, aftercare we 144 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 2: might have cuddled for a little bit and that was 145 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:22,160 Speaker 2: really really great. But we don't often think do they 146 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,200 Speaker 2: want to change it up? Do I want to change 147 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 2: it up? We just start sticking to the same sexual 148 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,520 Speaker 2: menu every single time, and that gets boring. It's like 149 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,600 Speaker 2: us going out to have the same meal every time 150 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,160 Speaker 2: we go out for date night. We start losing motivation 151 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 2: to go out for date night if we're going to 152 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 2: be having the same thing every single time. 153 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,240 Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely mix it up and different times a day 154 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 1: is key. Chantel, thank you for coming on Healthy Ish, 155 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 1: Thank you. Season two of the Audibile original series Sex 156 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,960 Speaker 1: Therapy Sessions with Chantel otten is out now. You can 157 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,400 Speaker 1: listen for free or will leave a link to that 158 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 1: in the show notes, as well as a link to 159 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,680 Speaker 1: all the info on Body and Souls twenty twenty four 160 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: six census. 161 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,320 Speaker 2: If you got. 162 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,240 Speaker 1: Something out of this chat from Chantel tell Us, you 163 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,720 Speaker 1: can rate and review this episode, or of course subscribe 164 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: to this podcast. Anything else, head to bodyandsoul dot com 165 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: dot for us and socials grob Our print edition which 166 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,840 Speaker 1: is out in your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow, 167 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: Stay healthy.