1 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Apoche production. 2 00:00:10,641 --> 00:00:11,521 Speaker 2: I need your advice. 3 00:00:12,201 --> 00:00:13,441 Speaker 1: Are you okay? What happened? 4 00:00:14,041 --> 00:00:15,361 Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much. 5 00:00:16,121 --> 00:00:16,681 Speaker 1: Bring it in. 6 00:00:18,001 --> 00:00:19,761 Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. 7 00:00:25,281 --> 00:00:25,801 Speaker 1: This is the. 8 00:00:25,721 --> 00:00:26,320 Speaker 2: Place for you. 9 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,681 Speaker 3: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises, but our 10 00:00:29,721 --> 00:00:32,161 Speaker 3: bestie segment. This is where we give you advice, the 11 00:00:32,201 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 3: same advice that we would give each other if we 12 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,521 Speaker 3: were both going through that situation. 13 00:00:35,801 --> 00:00:38,080 Speaker 2: So, ashy, what have we got for today? 14 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,081 Speaker 4: All right? Today's title is trust Issues and Jealousy that stings? 15 00:00:42,081 --> 00:00:44,321 Speaker 4: How do I love again after being cheated? And this 16 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,281 Speaker 4: is the submission? So just reminded these all completely anonymous. 17 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,241 Speaker 4: We have no idea who's written this in. And if 18 00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:51,361 Speaker 4: you want to write in your sticky situation or if you 19 00:00:51,361 --> 00:00:53,280 Speaker 4: would like some best of advice, the link is in 20 00:00:53,281 --> 00:00:53,801 Speaker 4: our description. 21 00:00:53,881 --> 00:00:54,121 Speaker 3: Note. 22 00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:56,761 Speaker 4: Give us much context as you can. It helps us 23 00:00:56,761 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 4: give better advice. Like if we were going to each other. 24 00:00:58,881 --> 00:00:59,681 Speaker 4: We don't leave anything out. 25 00:00:59,761 --> 00:01:01,721 Speaker 2: No, no, no, so don't leave any details. We don't leave 26 00:01:01,721 --> 00:01:02,481 Speaker 2: any details out. 27 00:01:02,961 --> 00:01:06,161 Speaker 4: Okay, hi Ashi in tianam to get some besty advice 28 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,601 Speaker 4: from you both. I know you've touched on a relationship 29 00:01:08,641 --> 00:01:10,721 Speaker 4: jealousy on a couple of the episodes, on the podcast, 30 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,281 Speaker 4: but I was hoping you can both go a little 31 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,321 Speaker 4: bit deeper and maybe share some of your experiences with 32 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 4: jealousy in romantic relationships. I know Tianna has mentioned that 33 00:01:17,481 --> 00:01:19,481 Speaker 4: she has struggled with it in her past relationships, so 34 00:01:19,481 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 4: I'd love to hear more details if you're both willing 35 00:01:21,881 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 4: to share. I'm really struggling with jealousy feelings. Long story short, 36 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,321 Speaker 4: I've been cheated on in the past. I was engaged, 37 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:30,401 Speaker 4: and now my ex cheated with the girl from his work. 38 00:01:30,681 --> 00:01:34,560 Speaker 4: The whole thing absolutely destroyed me. It's been three years 39 00:01:34,601 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 4: now and I have a new partner, and unfortunately, I 40 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,361 Speaker 4: still struggle with the fear of being betrayed again. I 41 00:01:39,441 --> 00:01:42,321 Speaker 4: worry constantly. I get so anxious when my partner goes 42 00:01:42,321 --> 00:01:44,720 Speaker 4: to work and I can't help but ask him about 43 00:01:44,721 --> 00:01:47,601 Speaker 4: his interactions with other girls that day. He does work 44 00:01:47,601 --> 00:01:50,321 Speaker 4: with mostly females. As you can imagine, this consumes me 45 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:52,921 Speaker 4: most days. He hasn't given me any reason to not 46 00:01:52,961 --> 00:01:56,041 Speaker 4: trust him. He's very chatty and friendly to everyone, but 47 00:01:56,121 --> 00:01:58,561 Speaker 4: that's just him and he loves a chat But he's 48 00:01:58,601 --> 00:02:01,441 Speaker 4: never been inappropriate or made any sexual comments towards women. 49 00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:03,441 Speaker 4: He's loyal from what I see, but I still have 50 00:02:03,521 --> 00:02:06,201 Speaker 4: that lingering fear of what if. I know it's super 51 00:02:06,241 --> 00:02:09,641 Speaker 4: unhealthy and sounds crazy. It clearly is, and I'm really 52 00:02:09,681 --> 00:02:12,041 Speaker 4: trying to change my mindset, but it's so difficult not 53 00:02:12,081 --> 00:02:14,761 Speaker 4: to get worried or jealous all the time. I've also 54 00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:17,201 Speaker 4: lost trust in women, and I feel some women literally 55 00:02:17,281 --> 00:02:20,321 Speaker 4: enjoy trying to break relationships. I'm all about girl code 56 00:02:20,321 --> 00:02:22,361 Speaker 4: and wouldn't ever dream about doing that to another woman. 57 00:02:22,721 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 4: I'm sorry for such a long message. I honestly talk 58 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,601 Speaker 4: about this to ages when it comes to the stuff. 59 00:02:26,841 --> 00:02:28,721 Speaker 4: And one thing I must add is that I discovered 60 00:02:28,761 --> 00:02:31,521 Speaker 4: the Shear Risers podcast about four months ago. I'm self 61 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 4: employed and I listen to you both almost every day 62 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,161 Speaker 4: and must literally changed my life. I don't really have 63 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,361 Speaker 4: many girl connections, at least not on the level you 64 00:02:38,401 --> 00:02:41,000 Speaker 4: guys have, and it's been so amazing. I actually feel 65 00:02:41,001 --> 00:02:42,841 Speaker 4: like I'm getting the girl talk that I've always missed 66 00:02:42,841 --> 00:02:45,361 Speaker 4: out on. I'm truly thankful to you both for being 67 00:02:45,361 --> 00:02:47,121 Speaker 4: so real and creating the space for all of us 68 00:02:47,121 --> 00:02:49,800 Speaker 4: women who needed this. So thank you, Ashley Tiana. I 69 00:02:49,841 --> 00:02:52,001 Speaker 4: hope to hear more about jealousy in a future episode 70 00:02:52,001 --> 00:02:54,041 Speaker 4: on a deeper level, and of course always love when 71 00:02:54,081 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 4: you both share your own personal experiences. 72 00:02:55,841 --> 00:02:58,081 Speaker 2: Thank you, oh stuff that we love you. 73 00:02:58,401 --> 00:03:01,841 Speaker 1: Thank you so much, such beautiful words to end the submission. 74 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:02,561 Speaker 2: So beautiful. 75 00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:04,761 Speaker 3: It's so beautiful to hear that, and just yeah, thank 76 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,481 Speaker 3: you for sharing one about the jealousy that's come up 77 00:03:07,481 --> 00:03:09,321 Speaker 3: for you and also that you feel like you get 78 00:03:09,321 --> 00:03:10,960 Speaker 3: to come in and join in the girl friend with us. 79 00:03:10,921 --> 00:03:12,240 Speaker 2: Because that's what we wanted this to be. 80 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:18,321 Speaker 4: Anyone understands jealousy is speaking of is in the house? 81 00:03:18,401 --> 00:03:19,921 Speaker 4: Oh guys, when she hopped in. 82 00:03:19,881 --> 00:03:21,601 Speaker 2: The car, are less feelings. 83 00:03:21,641 --> 00:03:25,681 Speaker 4: Basically, I feel the fire for the moment, steaming literally 84 00:03:26,321 --> 00:03:28,801 Speaker 4: you could see it visually coming off my body, the. 85 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:29,561 Speaker 1: Whole right up here. 86 00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 4: I was like, Tatiana is present, and I love it 87 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,241 Speaker 4: because I only get to see her once a month. 88 00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:34,441 Speaker 1: Yeah, three weeks out of the Marna. 89 00:03:34,561 --> 00:03:38,961 Speaker 3: She's like, I'm not there, yeah, Tian Tiana, But oh, 90 00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:41,601 Speaker 3: I just can relate to what you're going through. 91 00:03:41,681 --> 00:03:45,041 Speaker 2: I remember, firstly, I feel you on this. 92 00:03:45,241 --> 00:03:47,641 Speaker 3: It is so hard, especially when like your partner does 93 00:03:47,721 --> 00:03:49,281 Speaker 3: work predominantly with a lot of women. 94 00:03:49,481 --> 00:03:50,160 Speaker 2: It's so hard. 95 00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:52,801 Speaker 3: It's so easy to be triggered, Like, especially when you 96 00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:57,121 Speaker 3: already have that betrayal wound, you really do kind of 97 00:03:57,161 --> 00:04:00,161 Speaker 3: like see everybody else through that betrayal threat. That's a 98 00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:03,001 Speaker 3: threat hundred percent. And so I'll share an experience and 99 00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:04,961 Speaker 3: then I'll share something that really really helped me. So 100 00:04:05,081 --> 00:04:07,720 Speaker 3: when I was with my ex partner, there were a 101 00:04:07,761 --> 00:04:09,641 Speaker 3: lot of reasons why I felt this level of jealousy, 102 00:04:09,721 --> 00:04:12,521 Speaker 3: but it really came up in a really intense way. 103 00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:15,440 Speaker 3: So for me, he also worked with a lot of females, 104 00:04:16,001 --> 00:04:18,961 Speaker 3: but for me, it was like every little thing that 105 00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,041 Speaker 3: he would do that was interacting with a woman who 106 00:04:21,121 --> 00:04:24,200 Speaker 3: I thought was more successful than me or beautiful or whatever, 107 00:04:24,241 --> 00:04:26,121 Speaker 3: it was like I immediately had that trigger that he 108 00:04:26,161 --> 00:04:27,080 Speaker 3: was going to do something. 109 00:04:27,481 --> 00:04:29,081 Speaker 2: And so in the back of my head. 110 00:04:28,921 --> 00:04:32,320 Speaker 3: At all times, I thought that he was doing the 111 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,921 Speaker 3: wrong thing by me. And I previously have been cheated 112 00:04:34,921 --> 00:04:37,281 Speaker 3: on from my first relationship. So we were together for 113 00:04:37,281 --> 00:04:40,161 Speaker 3: three years and I had found out after we'd broken 114 00:04:40,201 --> 00:04:41,961 Speaker 3: up that the whole relationship he slept with like the 115 00:04:41,961 --> 00:04:42,721 Speaker 3: whole of Wongong. 116 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,601 Speaker 2: So it was just one of those things. 117 00:04:44,641 --> 00:04:46,881 Speaker 3: And then also the betrayal wound of him releasing the 118 00:04:46,961 --> 00:04:50,721 Speaker 3: video also contributed to my trust issues, So I just 119 00:04:50,761 --> 00:04:52,721 Speaker 3: I can resonate with what you're going through. But I 120 00:04:52,721 --> 00:04:55,161 Speaker 3: think the biggest thing that helped me was innocent toil 121 00:04:55,201 --> 00:04:58,281 Speaker 3: proven guilty, and something like a piece of advice that 122 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,601 Speaker 3: I once got given was why would you want to 123 00:05:00,641 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 3: spend your whole relationship warrying that somebody was going to 124 00:05:03,001 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 3: do wrong by you, that you're no longer enjoying the relationship? Yes, 125 00:05:07,761 --> 00:05:10,121 Speaker 3: And it just really stuck with me because it was 126 00:05:10,161 --> 00:05:12,801 Speaker 3: like I was never giving this person the benefit of 127 00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:16,001 Speaker 3: the doubt and hearing the worst, always assuming the worst, 128 00:05:16,121 --> 00:05:18,001 Speaker 3: and it was like I was creating problems in the 129 00:05:18,041 --> 00:05:20,961 Speaker 3: relationship dynamic because I was living in my head and 130 00:05:21,001 --> 00:05:25,601 Speaker 3: not living in the relationship in the past. And granted, 131 00:05:25,801 --> 00:05:29,201 Speaker 3: while this person that I was with, their behavior contributed 132 00:05:29,201 --> 00:05:31,201 Speaker 3: to my lack of trust issues. There were little bits 133 00:05:31,241 --> 00:05:33,961 Speaker 3: and moments that he created that made me feel like 134 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,681 Speaker 3: he wasn't all in on the relationship, which made me 135 00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:39,121 Speaker 3: assume that he was going outside of the dynamic. But 136 00:05:39,161 --> 00:05:41,041 Speaker 3: at the end of day, it was my stuff to 137 00:05:41,081 --> 00:05:45,281 Speaker 3: work on. It was my jealousy, my territorialness, my fear 138 00:05:45,521 --> 00:05:48,841 Speaker 3: of being second best, and my fear of not being 139 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,041 Speaker 3: good enough to be chosen as number one. So I 140 00:05:52,081 --> 00:05:54,721 Speaker 3: think the biggest thing in this is like jealousy reveals 141 00:05:54,761 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 3: to you where you are still unhealed, and like where parts. 142 00:05:58,481 --> 00:06:00,201 Speaker 2: Of you still don't feel good enough. 143 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:04,121 Speaker 3: So yeah, I just think, like, be patient with yourself 144 00:06:04,161 --> 00:06:07,041 Speaker 3: on this, allow the jealousy and allow the triggers to 145 00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 3: come up. But when it comes to an intimate relationship, 146 00:06:10,041 --> 00:06:12,801 Speaker 3: it is revealing all of your deepest, darkest words. It's 147 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,401 Speaker 3: revealing your trust issues, it's revealing where you don't feel 148 00:06:15,401 --> 00:06:18,081 Speaker 3: good enough. It's revealing you know, where you feel like 149 00:06:18,161 --> 00:06:20,241 Speaker 3: someone better might come around and snatch a man out, 150 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,561 Speaker 3: Like all of those fears like are really so deep rooted, 151 00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:25,241 Speaker 3: but we project onto the person in front of us 152 00:06:25,281 --> 00:06:27,801 Speaker 3: as if they are the problem, not realizing that what 153 00:06:27,801 --> 00:06:31,041 Speaker 3: we're experiencing is actually happening within our head. And so 154 00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:34,841 Speaker 3: again coming back to that point of innocent until proven guilty, 155 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:39,641 Speaker 3: because then you're assuming the best until they give you 156 00:06:39,681 --> 00:06:42,041 Speaker 3: evidence of otherwise, and then that way you can actually 157 00:06:42,121 --> 00:06:45,321 Speaker 3: enjoy yourself in the relationship and learn to self soothe. 158 00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,641 Speaker 3: I'm rambling now, but one other thing that was really 159 00:06:47,681 --> 00:06:49,481 Speaker 3: really helpful for me and I do it not only 160 00:06:49,521 --> 00:06:52,520 Speaker 3: in intimate relationships, but also in friendships. Is to bring 161 00:06:52,561 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 3: in jealousy in a really playful way. Like if you 162 00:06:54,801 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 3: feel like you need to communicate with your partner, Hey, 163 00:06:56,801 --> 00:06:58,521 Speaker 3: like I was feeling a little jealous, bring it in 164 00:06:58,521 --> 00:06:59,361 Speaker 3: with playfulness. 165 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,481 Speaker 1: Yeah, like they don't feel attacked and criticized. 166 00:07:01,561 --> 00:07:03,760 Speaker 3: Yeah, hey, just letting you know, like I'm feeling super 167 00:07:03,801 --> 00:07:06,081 Speaker 3: territorial about you because I and you're my man, and 168 00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,281 Speaker 3: like everyone back up. 169 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 2: But this came up for me. And I'm not telling 170 00:07:09,401 --> 00:07:11,521 Speaker 2: you this to change anything. You didn't do anything wrong. 171 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:12,521 Speaker 2: You didn't do anything wrong. 172 00:07:12,561 --> 00:07:14,801 Speaker 3: I'm just sharing this with you to be super transparent 173 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 3: and just like you know, I had a human moment. 174 00:07:16,401 --> 00:07:19,401 Speaker 4: Yes, that's beautiful, and I can talk about being on 175 00:07:19,441 --> 00:07:22,361 Speaker 4: the other end, I've never been cheated on that I 176 00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,041 Speaker 4: know of. But I've never been cheated on, so I 177 00:07:24,041 --> 00:07:27,041 Speaker 4: don't have that wound. Particularly. I definitely have been jealous, 178 00:07:27,041 --> 00:07:29,481 Speaker 4: for sure, just from my own insecurities, not feeling enough, 179 00:07:29,521 --> 00:07:32,201 Speaker 4: not feeling beautiful of things. But Steve had been cheated 180 00:07:32,241 --> 00:07:34,721 Speaker 4: on by most of his past relationships. So when I 181 00:07:34,761 --> 00:07:37,841 Speaker 4: first got with him, oh, it was a lot. He 182 00:07:37,921 --> 00:07:40,281 Speaker 4: actually when we were about three months in, he actually 183 00:07:40,321 --> 00:07:42,441 Speaker 4: pulled me aside because he had caused this argument because 184 00:07:42,481 --> 00:07:45,201 Speaker 4: I was a promo girl, so pretty hard job for 185 00:07:45,241 --> 00:07:47,321 Speaker 4: a jealous man to have a partner doing. I was 186 00:07:47,361 --> 00:07:50,881 Speaker 4: surrounded by men who were drunk in nightclubs. Not a 187 00:07:50,921 --> 00:07:53,201 Speaker 4: great time for jealous friend. 188 00:07:53,401 --> 00:07:53,561 Speaker 3: No. 189 00:07:54,201 --> 00:07:56,280 Speaker 4: Yeah, he said to me, like, I think you should 190 00:07:56,361 --> 00:07:59,081 Speaker 4: leave because I am so jealous and I'm causing all 191 00:07:59,081 --> 00:08:00,801 Speaker 4: these fights and I wouldn't blame me, like I wouldn't 192 00:08:00,801 --> 00:08:01,321 Speaker 4: want to be with me. 193 00:08:01,521 --> 00:08:03,241 Speaker 1: Well, and I was like, what do you mean. 194 00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:05,841 Speaker 4: He's like, I want to save you years of me 195 00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:08,281 Speaker 4: causing this arguments. I feel like I can't control it. 196 00:08:08,561 --> 00:08:10,001 Speaker 4: And I'm just so scared that you're want to cheat 197 00:08:10,041 --> 00:08:12,721 Speaker 4: because everyone else is cheated, and I remember just it 198 00:08:12,761 --> 00:08:15,241 Speaker 4: made me so determined to show him that not all 199 00:08:15,281 --> 00:08:17,001 Speaker 4: women are going to be like that, and I'm as 200 00:08:17,081 --> 00:08:18,801 Speaker 4: loyal as they come. And if I was not happy, 201 00:08:18,841 --> 00:08:21,561 Speaker 4: I would leave before I do that. But it wasn't 202 00:08:21,561 --> 00:08:24,401 Speaker 4: that easy. It was years and years of jealousy, years 203 00:08:24,401 --> 00:08:26,121 Speaker 4: and years of it, and it was really hard because 204 00:08:26,121 --> 00:08:28,841 Speaker 4: I felt like I was getting punished for something else 205 00:08:28,881 --> 00:08:29,801 Speaker 4: his exes had done. 206 00:08:30,001 --> 00:08:31,481 Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense, And I was like. 207 00:08:31,441 --> 00:08:34,801 Speaker 4: This isn't fair. All I've shown you is loyalty and honesty. 208 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:37,921 Speaker 4: And I over communicate and I don't put myself in 209 00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:41,041 Speaker 4: situations apart from my work. But I am very strong 210 00:08:41,081 --> 00:08:43,841 Speaker 4: my boundaries. Like men don't get to come near me 211 00:08:43,881 --> 00:08:45,681 Speaker 4: and even try to do anything, and I just not 212 00:08:45,721 --> 00:08:48,921 Speaker 4: who I am. So I remember being very frustrating. And 213 00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:53,121 Speaker 4: you're right, it can destroy the relationships like a thousand 214 00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:55,601 Speaker 4: tiny cuts. Oh, death by a thousand cuts. 215 00:08:55,401 --> 00:08:56,441 Speaker 1: Death by a thousand cuts. 216 00:08:56,521 --> 00:08:58,441 Speaker 4: You're not only I know it's not this easy, but 217 00:08:58,681 --> 00:09:00,401 Speaker 4: like you said, you're not only going to not enjoy 218 00:09:00,401 --> 00:09:02,481 Speaker 4: your relationship. Your partner's not going to enjoy it because 219 00:09:02,481 --> 00:09:04,201 Speaker 4: they always feel like they're just getting in trouble for 220 00:09:04,201 --> 00:09:07,841 Speaker 4: something they haven't done. Yeah, And over time, it builds 221 00:09:07,921 --> 00:09:10,481 Speaker 4: up a lot of resentment, so much, so much resentment 222 00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,881 Speaker 4: to the point that like one day I feel like 223 00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,001 Speaker 4: I did, your partner will crack And so I actually 224 00:09:15,041 --> 00:09:16,961 Speaker 4: can't do this anymore, Like I cannot have you come 225 00:09:17,001 --> 00:09:18,601 Speaker 4: at me every time we leave the house, every time 226 00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,881 Speaker 4: I got my girlfriends, every time I got on a trip, questioning, 227 00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:24,321 Speaker 4: questioning my every move. You know, like I said, have 228 00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:26,321 Speaker 4: been in that situation and it's just it's not a 229 00:09:26,361 --> 00:09:29,361 Speaker 4: healthy dynamic. But a lot of the work has to 230 00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,081 Speaker 4: do with you. Unfortunately, if you are the one that 231 00:09:31,161 --> 00:09:34,121 Speaker 4: is feeling jealous and triggered, is highlighting what's not healed, 232 00:09:34,321 --> 00:09:37,081 Speaker 4: maybe highlighting some things that you're insecure about as well. 233 00:09:37,121 --> 00:09:38,961 Speaker 4: Like say, if you get jealous of a girl with 234 00:09:39,081 --> 00:09:41,321 Speaker 4: cleavage and a hair's always out and make up's perfect, 235 00:09:41,921 --> 00:09:43,961 Speaker 4: maybe you're wanting to take better care of yourself and 236 00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:45,841 Speaker 4: you want to put more energy into what you look like, 237 00:09:45,921 --> 00:09:47,601 Speaker 4: and you want your man to think you're sexy, but 238 00:09:47,881 --> 00:09:49,961 Speaker 4: you've been in your sweats all day and you're working 239 00:09:49,961 --> 00:09:52,281 Speaker 4: from home and you can't really be bothered, and so. 240 00:09:52,241 --> 00:09:53,481 Speaker 1: It triggers you when you see that. 241 00:09:53,561 --> 00:09:54,921 Speaker 2: Yes, lay to feel. 242 00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,441 Speaker 4: Trigger And if I ever get jealous or triggered of 243 00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:59,801 Speaker 4: a girl, now I can instantly catch myself of like 244 00:09:59,961 --> 00:10:01,281 Speaker 4: what does this actually mean about me? 245 00:10:01,441 --> 00:10:01,641 Speaker 3: Yeah? 246 00:10:01,721 --> 00:10:03,801 Speaker 1: Nothing to do with her. Yeah, normally to be. 247 00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:06,081 Speaker 4: Something around like sexual energy and I feel but maybe 248 00:10:06,081 --> 00:10:07,041 Speaker 4: I'm a bit tapped out from that. 249 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,521 Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I'm craving more of that. 250 00:10:08,681 --> 00:10:10,361 Speaker 2: Yeah, I would to feel like that makes so much sense. 251 00:10:10,481 --> 00:10:12,001 Speaker 1: Yes, Like okay, well what do you do about that? 252 00:10:12,081 --> 00:10:12,241 Speaker 2: Yeah? 253 00:10:12,241 --> 00:10:14,121 Speaker 1: You're gonna sit around and be a victim and blame 254 00:10:14,161 --> 00:10:14,601 Speaker 1: it on her. 255 00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:18,241 Speaker 3: No, yeah, that you totally Like in the past one 256 00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:20,441 Speaker 3: I had that with my ex. I remember there was 257 00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:22,601 Speaker 3: this one woman that he was going to collaborate with 258 00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:25,321 Speaker 3: who was super successful, like been in the business game 259 00:10:25,361 --> 00:10:27,481 Speaker 3: for like twenty years or something. And I remember that 260 00:10:27,521 --> 00:10:29,081 Speaker 3: triggered me because I was like, but I'm only four 261 00:10:29,121 --> 00:10:31,361 Speaker 3: years in and I'm like a bazy still, and like, 262 00:10:31,401 --> 00:10:34,001 Speaker 3: to me, that was a triggering moment of like, oh, 263 00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:36,161 Speaker 3: like I want and desire that for myself to have 264 00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:39,281 Speaker 3: that level of business experience and ability and growth and 265 00:10:39,361 --> 00:10:40,921 Speaker 3: all those things. So it's like to me, that was 266 00:10:41,001 --> 00:10:44,681 Speaker 3: highlighting to me what I wanted and desired and thought, oh, 267 00:10:44,721 --> 00:10:46,281 Speaker 3: when he sees this and somebody else, he's going to 268 00:10:46,361 --> 00:10:47,641 Speaker 3: choose that because that's what I want. 269 00:10:47,801 --> 00:10:50,761 Speaker 4: Yes, you know, it's funny what your mind can do too, 270 00:10:50,881 --> 00:10:53,761 Speaker 4: Like I've been telling you a little while ago because 271 00:10:53,761 --> 00:10:56,121 Speaker 4: I've like gone dark hair. And then one day we're 272 00:10:56,121 --> 00:10:57,721 Speaker 4: watching a TV show and I think it was it 273 00:10:57,801 --> 00:11:00,481 Speaker 4: Madison Beer or something, and I was like, oh, yeah, 274 00:11:00,481 --> 00:11:02,201 Speaker 4: she's got like really nice hair, and he's like, yeah, 275 00:11:02,201 --> 00:11:04,801 Speaker 4: I really like like long dark like long, black. 276 00:11:04,601 --> 00:11:05,241 Speaker 1: Straight hair. 277 00:11:05,321 --> 00:11:08,241 Speaker 4: Yeah, And I remember just getting super trigger because I'm like, well, 278 00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:10,721 Speaker 4: I've got brown hair, not black hair. And I was 279 00:11:10,721 --> 00:11:12,401 Speaker 4: wearing a wavy heaps at that point when you was 280 00:11:12,441 --> 00:11:14,801 Speaker 4: first curling my hair. Yeah, I was feeling good and 281 00:11:14,801 --> 00:11:16,161 Speaker 4: I looked at him and I just thought, cap bring 282 00:11:16,161 --> 00:11:18,321 Speaker 4: playfulness into this, and You're like, bridesmaid, how we go? 283 00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:18,881 Speaker 1: Oh you do? 284 00:11:19,081 --> 00:11:19,721 Speaker 3: Oh? Yeah? 285 00:11:19,761 --> 00:11:21,321 Speaker 4: So I turned and I was like, oh, you'd like 286 00:11:21,401 --> 00:11:24,121 Speaker 4: black hair, do you? I was like, do you like 287 00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:26,961 Speaker 4: blonde too? He's like, I like old hair. I'm like, 288 00:11:27,001 --> 00:11:28,161 Speaker 4: oh that's lovely. 289 00:11:28,481 --> 00:11:30,161 Speaker 2: I think you just dyed your hair dark. 290 00:11:30,201 --> 00:11:32,681 Speaker 3: Then as you look gone from blonde to brown, and 291 00:11:32,681 --> 00:11:34,161 Speaker 3: then he was like I like black. And You're like, 292 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:34,961 Speaker 3: God's sake. 293 00:11:34,881 --> 00:11:37,041 Speaker 2: I remember you bring into me. Be like, why does 294 00:11:37,041 --> 00:11:38,441 Speaker 2: he like black? Now he's never mentioned this. 295 00:11:38,401 --> 00:11:40,361 Speaker 4: Before, he's never said it like, but then he said 296 00:11:40,401 --> 00:11:42,321 Speaker 4: something funny hey, because he was like, list with your hair, 297 00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:43,361 Speaker 4: you can change it all the time. 298 00:11:43,601 --> 00:11:47,161 Speaker 1: You like chocolate, men, Yes, I can't run out a chocolate. 299 00:11:46,801 --> 00:11:47,441 Speaker 2: May I. 300 00:11:49,001 --> 00:11:50,081 Speaker 1: Was like, good point. 301 00:11:50,241 --> 00:11:51,641 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're like you know what, that's cool. 302 00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:54,761 Speaker 3: You did like black hair and I like chocolate men, 303 00:11:55,121 --> 00:11:56,961 Speaker 3: Like it just makes all the difference to bring it 304 00:11:57,001 --> 00:11:59,561 Speaker 3: in with playfulness, and I found I remember I first 305 00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:01,361 Speaker 3: told you this when I bring it in with my ex, 306 00:12:01,441 --> 00:12:04,321 Speaker 3: when I mentioned this about the girls, right, because my 307 00:12:04,441 --> 00:12:07,321 Speaker 3: ex also had a lot of female staff members, and 308 00:12:07,361 --> 00:12:09,081 Speaker 3: I remember he used to have like one on one 309 00:12:09,081 --> 00:12:10,641 Speaker 3: meetings with them and stuff and would take them out 310 00:12:10,641 --> 00:12:12,481 Speaker 3: for lunches and dinners and like make sure that they're 311 00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,001 Speaker 3: okay and like all that sort of stuff. And that 312 00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:15,321 Speaker 3: used to treat the fuck out of me. 313 00:12:15,521 --> 00:12:16,441 Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh my god. 314 00:12:16,481 --> 00:12:18,281 Speaker 3: I was just like, what do you mean people are 315 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,321 Speaker 3: gonna think that you're on a romantic date with this girl, 316 00:12:20,321 --> 00:12:22,761 Speaker 3: and like it's not me, Like I just couldn't handle it. 317 00:12:23,161 --> 00:12:25,961 Speaker 3: And I remember first experiencing that and then just being like, 318 00:12:26,481 --> 00:12:28,161 Speaker 3: all cutes, he like tol in my hair, like I'm 319 00:12:28,161 --> 00:12:30,881 Speaker 3: feeling a bit jealous, yes, you know, And then it 320 00:12:30,921 --> 00:12:32,561 Speaker 3: was like he was able to reassure me in the 321 00:12:32,601 --> 00:12:34,361 Speaker 3: moment of the way that I needed to at the time. 322 00:12:34,481 --> 00:12:34,721 Speaker 1: Yes. 323 00:12:35,041 --> 00:12:37,161 Speaker 3: And I think it's a powerful way to bring in 324 00:12:37,281 --> 00:12:41,881 Speaker 3: jealousy without it escalating or without you pointing the finger, 325 00:12:42,081 --> 00:12:44,641 Speaker 3: without it creating a problem that doesn't need to be there, make. 326 00:12:44,561 --> 00:12:45,841 Speaker 1: Them feel like they're doing something wrong. 327 00:12:45,961 --> 00:12:48,801 Speaker 3: Yes, times they're not, because there's a difference between bringing 328 00:12:48,881 --> 00:12:52,281 Speaker 3: up jealousy and then accusing somebody of doing something very 329 00:12:52,321 --> 00:12:53,001 Speaker 3: different energy. 330 00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,081 Speaker 4: Yes, and the more secure you are within yourself, I think, 331 00:12:56,121 --> 00:12:58,161 Speaker 4: the less little of sharp because all our stuff are 332 00:12:58,201 --> 00:13:00,281 Speaker 4: female are hide away, but and Steve takes them out 333 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,881 Speaker 4: for lunch or like he's around females all the time. 334 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,761 Speaker 4: I honestly handle my heart say, there's never a time 335 00:13:05,801 --> 00:13:07,921 Speaker 4: that it comes up that I'm like, oh, he took 336 00:13:08,001 --> 00:13:10,281 Speaker 4: so and so to Lon, like I'd ask what the 337 00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:12,721 Speaker 4: meeting was about. I'm genuinely curious about the business side 338 00:13:12,721 --> 00:13:15,561 Speaker 4: of things, Like I'm not one bit triggered at all. Yeah, 339 00:13:15,601 --> 00:13:17,121 Speaker 4: it's such a nice place to get there, but it 340 00:13:17,201 --> 00:13:19,441 Speaker 4: takes a lot of in internal work. 341 00:13:19,601 --> 00:13:22,201 Speaker 3: I think also the difference as well between like say, 342 00:13:22,241 --> 00:13:23,961 Speaker 3: the relationship I was in and the relationship you out 343 00:13:23,961 --> 00:13:25,921 Speaker 3: with Steve is like you guys have like such a 344 00:13:25,961 --> 00:13:29,321 Speaker 3: safe foundation, whereas like the relationship I was in didn't 345 00:13:29,361 --> 00:13:31,681 Speaker 3: have a safe foundation. There were so many cracks and 346 00:13:31,681 --> 00:13:33,921 Speaker 3: stuff in that dynamic. And then there are men, let's say, 347 00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:36,241 Speaker 3: like the men that I dated after him. It was 348 00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:39,601 Speaker 3: like I immediately knew that I didn't have to worry. Yeah, 349 00:13:39,641 --> 00:13:41,881 Speaker 3: like there was no underlying feeling of like, oh is 350 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:44,361 Speaker 3: he in because I just knew that he was, And 351 00:13:44,361 --> 00:13:46,881 Speaker 3: then with this dynamic, it was like him feeling not 352 00:13:46,881 --> 00:13:49,801 Speaker 3: fully in in the relationship made me question, Okay, what's 353 00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:50,681 Speaker 3: he doing outside of this? 354 00:13:50,841 --> 00:13:52,681 Speaker 2: Like you don't have really activated that in me? 355 00:13:52,761 --> 00:13:54,681 Speaker 1: Even more so, that makes so much sense. 356 00:13:54,761 --> 00:13:56,921 Speaker 4: Yeah, so yeah, don't shame yourself for feeling like that, 357 00:13:57,041 --> 00:13:59,361 Speaker 4: because I'm sure you listening, you're not shaming us a 358 00:13:59,441 --> 00:14:02,001 Speaker 4: feeling like that. So just treat yourself how you would 359 00:14:02,121 --> 00:14:04,881 Speaker 4: your best friends. Be kind to yourself, but also like 360 00:14:05,201 --> 00:14:07,241 Speaker 4: really dig deepest to what's coming up for you. And 361 00:14:07,561 --> 00:14:09,481 Speaker 4: I'm sure if you brought it to him with playfulness, 362 00:14:09,561 --> 00:14:11,761 Speaker 4: he's only gonna want to bring you in closer and 363 00:14:11,801 --> 00:14:13,441 Speaker 4: reassure you even more. But if you go in with 364 00:14:13,481 --> 00:14:16,081 Speaker 4: like a dagger or attacking or pointing the finger or 365 00:14:16,121 --> 00:14:19,001 Speaker 4: accusing him, he's gonna get defensive and it's gonna create 366 00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:20,841 Speaker 4: this wadge and then you're gonna feel even more insecure 367 00:14:20,881 --> 00:14:21,681 Speaker 4: when he goes to work. 368 00:14:21,801 --> 00:14:24,041 Speaker 3: Something else that got me curious about this as well. 369 00:14:24,121 --> 00:14:26,281 Speaker 3: I don't know the way that you were raised, obviously, 370 00:14:26,401 --> 00:14:29,161 Speaker 3: or what was normalized with your parents and with your family. 371 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:31,521 Speaker 3: But like for me, my mom and dad like didn't 372 00:14:31,521 --> 00:14:32,081 Speaker 3: really have like a. 373 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,161 Speaker 2: Big community around them. 374 00:14:33,201 --> 00:14:34,801 Speaker 3: They were my dad was always at work, Mum was 375 00:14:34,801 --> 00:14:36,921 Speaker 3: looking after the five children, and that was kind of 376 00:14:36,921 --> 00:14:38,281 Speaker 3: what they had. They only really had each other. 377 00:14:38,481 --> 00:14:40,761 Speaker 2: So for them, it wasn't. 378 00:14:40,601 --> 00:14:43,521 Speaker 3: Normal for them to bring male and female friends in 379 00:14:43,561 --> 00:14:46,961 Speaker 3: and around all the time. Yes, so like I think 380 00:14:47,281 --> 00:14:51,961 Speaker 3: normalizing having platonic friends of the opposite sex won't make 381 00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:54,241 Speaker 3: you feel as jealous if someone immediately comes around. 382 00:14:54,281 --> 00:14:55,601 Speaker 2: That was something I had to unlearn. 383 00:14:55,721 --> 00:14:58,521 Speaker 3: I had to unlearn that having a female friend or 384 00:14:58,561 --> 00:15:01,001 Speaker 3: a female around isn't a threat to my relationship or 385 00:15:01,041 --> 00:15:04,041 Speaker 3: isn't a threat to my dynamic, Whereas if that's not 386 00:15:04,121 --> 00:15:07,441 Speaker 3: familiar to you, you automatically start to see other people 387 00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:09,481 Speaker 3: as a threat instead of going, oh, no, it's safe 388 00:15:09,521 --> 00:15:11,481 Speaker 3: for me to have people in my life like this. 389 00:15:11,681 --> 00:15:14,001 Speaker 3: So I don't know if that's helpful, but that understanding 390 00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:16,201 Speaker 3: that really helped me in letting go of that. 391 00:15:16,361 --> 00:15:18,601 Speaker 4: And I'm sure you listening to have you ever had 392 00:15:18,601 --> 00:15:21,641 Speaker 4: a male friend that's completely blatonic by there's nothing sexual. 393 00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,761 Speaker 1: There, but you just get along really well. Your great banter. 394 00:15:24,241 --> 00:15:26,881 Speaker 4: He's also may have some work colleagues because someone's really 395 00:15:26,881 --> 00:15:29,161 Speaker 4: well and they vibe in their work environment and that's cool. 396 00:15:29,401 --> 00:15:30,881 Speaker 4: It doesn't mean that she's a threat, but I think 397 00:15:30,921 --> 00:15:32,121 Speaker 4: it's valid how you're feeling. 398 00:15:32,521 --> 00:15:35,441 Speaker 1: But there's definitely some work to do there, absolutely. 399 00:15:34,961 --> 00:15:36,721 Speaker 2: But we love it all. We welcome it all. 400 00:15:36,841 --> 00:15:39,281 Speaker 4: Definitely, there's your old ego coming here and there. And 401 00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:41,081 Speaker 4: this is where, like, if you've only discovered us four 402 00:15:41,121 --> 00:15:43,161 Speaker 4: months ago, I heard you say, But if you go 403 00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:45,121 Speaker 4: back to one of our last episodes last year, we 404 00:15:45,121 --> 00:15:47,881 Speaker 4: talked about introducing our alter ego. It was maybe January 405 00:15:47,961 --> 00:15:50,521 Speaker 4: or February last year when we first started, she rises. 406 00:15:50,961 --> 00:15:52,641 Speaker 4: This is where you're bringing your old ego and you'll 407 00:15:52,641 --> 00:15:54,481 Speaker 4: be like, if say, your name is Stacy, this is 408 00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:57,881 Speaker 4: not Stacy, this is Savannah. And Savannah is. 409 00:15:57,841 --> 00:16:00,721 Speaker 1: Feeling a little jealous. Yeah, yeah, bringing in to be 410 00:16:00,761 --> 00:16:01,241 Speaker 1: really playful. 411 00:16:01,281 --> 00:16:03,681 Speaker 4: So then it's like your partner's automatically like, Okay, she 412 00:16:03,761 --> 00:16:05,601 Speaker 4: needs me right now. Yes, you get to play that 413 00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:07,001 Speaker 4: dynamic and yeah, make it fun. 414 00:16:07,241 --> 00:16:09,681 Speaker 3: Yeah, go listen to that episode because it will explain 415 00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:11,241 Speaker 3: why we do that throughout the podcast. 416 00:16:11,321 --> 00:16:14,041 Speaker 4: Super helpful will help you in your relationship Forever really 417 00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:14,561 Speaker 4: helped us. 418 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:17,841 Speaker 2: Yeah, we'd lie in and an update. 419 00:16:18,041 --> 00:16:20,441 Speaker 4: Yeah we'd love an update. Sure, and we'll see you 420 00:16:20,441 --> 00:16:20,961 Speaker 4: guys tomorrow. 421 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,041 Speaker 2: Bye.