WEBVTT - Flowmaxxing 0:00:07.160 --> 0:00:11.200 Hi, everyone, it's mail and Monday it's maln mondy for sure, 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:13.280 and tell time may. 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:17.400 How's it going? Months Like, we didn't get work for 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:19.040 half an hour beforehand. 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.400 Just winged and vented for half an hour. If you 0:00:22.840 --> 0:00:24.880 heard I mean, we do put most of it on 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:26.920 the pod anyway, but if you heard our chat just then, 0:00:26.960 --> 0:00:29.240 you'd go, these girls need to be in a psychiatric ward. 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:31.080 And you wouldn't be far from it. You wouldn't be 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:32.400 far from wrong. 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:35.680 That idea of that like not to make light of 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:37.959 mental health issues at all, but the idea is sort 0:00:38.000 --> 0:00:40.920 of appealing. I'm like, now, I wouldn't mind for like 0:00:40.960 --> 0:00:41.360 a week. 0:00:42.440 --> 0:00:45.519 This is not a joke. And this is when you 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:47.280 know you're not in the best place. Yesterday I was 0:00:47.280 --> 0:00:49.560 in bed and I thought, jeez, it might be nice 0:00:49.600 --> 0:00:52.480 to go back into hospital and get another infusion because 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:54.400 I've just got to lay on the bed for five days, 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:59.040 Like when you are wanting to go to hospital to 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:00.200 have a break. 0:01:02.600 --> 0:01:05.560 I have a whole theory around this that we should 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:07.120 bring back the nervous breakdown. 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:10.760 Yeah, well people are having them, and I think we're 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:15.240 having one. But remember because acknowledged now, but remember. 0:01:14.880 --> 0:01:16.960 When you were a kid, right, and it was like 0:01:17.080 --> 0:01:21.480 I remember whispers of Sandy's had a nervous breakdown or whatever, 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:24.920 and it's like, oh okay, and she's like Sandy disappears 0:01:24.959 --> 0:01:26.160 for a bit and then she comes. Yes. 0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:28.320 I'm like, I think there's. 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:31.959 Something about if you feel like you're headed that way, 0:01:32.480 --> 0:01:35.679 maybe it's into like rehab and you go and you 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:37.720 have a little reset, you get back in touch with 0:01:37.760 --> 0:01:40.160 who you are, and then you come back and you're better, 0:01:41.040 --> 0:01:43.039 or you'll I feel that. 0:01:43.080 --> 0:01:47.880 Is called psychiatric wars or like Eden and Gwingarna and 0:01:47.960 --> 0:01:49.200 those kind of places. 0:01:49.600 --> 0:01:51.120 But I don't want I. 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:53.400 Don't want anyone controlling what I eat. I don't want 0:01:53.400 --> 0:01:55.480 to do dance classes. I don't want to do any 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:58.760 of that. I just want to learn to myself. 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:02.240 Yeah, that's probably a holiday without the family, But I 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:04.240 do know what you mean. It used to be a 0:02:04.280 --> 0:02:07.600 real thing and a real stigma, like oh yeah, yes, 0:02:07.600 --> 0:02:09.120 she's had a nervous breakdown. 0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:11.639 I know, I know, you know what, that's what we 0:02:11.680 --> 0:02:14.480 should do. We should book a holiday together. Right at 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.640 this point, I'd even fly. At this point, I'm not 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:18.800 putting scared of anything. 0:02:19.160 --> 0:02:21.040 Nah, because if you got to lose. 0:02:21.280 --> 0:02:23.160 I know, I know, I'm like, oh my god. 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:25.680 Imagine it's like, oh, Monty and I are just going 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.840 to like rediscover ourselves or whatever, and the next minutes 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:30.120 like Girls Gone Wild. 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:33.560 Yes, it would either be Girls Gone Wild. We get 0:02:33.600 --> 0:02:35.200 our tits and our ars out, or we just sit 0:02:35.280 --> 0:02:37.760 on the couch and eat cheetos and fucking dig a 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:39.079 bigger hole, and. 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:40.919 Then everyone would be like, put that away. 0:02:41.320 --> 0:02:44.720 No one wants to see that anymore. 0:02:44.600 --> 0:02:47.440 A fair enough they don't. Yeah, I was just saying though, 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:50.720 like my migraines have flared right up again. I go 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:53.720 through stages where I feel okay and I'm like, oh, 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:55.799 maybe they're gone, and then I end up having another 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:58.920 six weeks in bed. But I and if any of 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:03.040 you have done this, because I explored HRT but it 0:03:03.040 --> 0:03:06.280 didn't do anything. But I do think it's hormonal because 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:08.360 it's been the last three years I've really switched on, 0:03:08.440 --> 0:03:10.320 so I would have been like forty one forty two 0:03:10.360 --> 0:03:13.280 when they really kicked right up. So I know a 0:03:13.360 --> 0:03:15.880 huge amount of it is stress related, but I do 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:19.839 think hormone related. And I've chat gpt the shit out 0:03:19.880 --> 0:03:23.560 of all hormonal stuff and I've come across something called Zolodex, 0:03:23.600 --> 0:03:28.400 which they use a lot for endometriosis patients, which basically 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.040 just shuts down your ovaries. Because I'm like, if I 0:03:31.160 --> 0:03:34.120 knew a hysterectomy would get rid of it, I'd do 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:36.600 it in a heartbeat. But I obviously don't know, and 0:03:36.680 --> 0:03:39.360 I know Zolodex can really fuck with your system. Obviously 0:03:39.400 --> 0:03:43.400 it's hutting your ovaries off. But I need something extreme. 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:48.040 If anyone has fully explored the hormonal area, you've got 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:49.920 to get in touch with a show and tel podcast 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:52.920 is where you can find us on Instagram, just because 0:03:52.960 --> 0:03:56.560 I need more. That's the thing with chat GPT too. 0:03:56.640 --> 0:03:59.400 I look at it and it'll be like, Zolodex could 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:01.600 be your next step, and then I'll write in, but 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:05.680 doesn't that make you estrogen blah blah, no, go good point. Yes, 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:07.920 maybe it isn't the next step for you. I'm like, oh, 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:09.160 oh god, do. 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:11.840 You know what the thing is? I think the volatility 0:04:11.880 --> 0:04:16.600 of this time is the swing, the unpredictability of one 0:04:16.920 --> 0:04:19.360 minute your instrument will be off the charts the next 0:04:19.400 --> 0:04:22.880 minute at tanks, and it's especially if you're someone who 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:25.000 is sensitive to that. 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:27.119 Yes, to begin with yeah. 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:29.919 That that is where it is so hard, because if 0:04:29.960 --> 0:04:32.679 you're taking estrogen, then when you're having the highs, it's. 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:36.400 Too high bucks you. But also, my migraines were okay 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:38.680 when I was pregnant, so that to me is a 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:41.360 huge indicator, and they started when I was around eleven, 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:45.880 so I mean it is a huge indicator that it's hormonal. Anyway, 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:48.760 I'm about to see my ninety seventh neurologist and going 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:51.159 to book into my GP who's a hormone specialist, and 0:04:51.200 --> 0:04:53.240 just try and get it under control. But what a 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:57.240 hot mess. I feel like, fucking wildly out of control. 0:04:57.279 --> 0:05:00.320 So if you're a woman like us at the moment 0:05:00.400 --> 0:05:03.440 we are feeling you, we are both like why have 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:06.320 we lost our minds? And my health was shot? You 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:10.520 know who else has lost his mind? Who? Lamar fucking 0:05:10.600 --> 0:05:13.479 Odein mart used to be married to Chloe Kardashian. There's 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.720 a docco out It's called Untold The Death and Life 0:05:16.760 --> 0:05:21.200 of Lamar Odem. It's on Netflix, and I'm like, I 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:23.840 used to love watching Chloe and Lamar Lammy they used 0:05:23.880 --> 0:05:26.920 to call him. So I watched it. There was an 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:32.080 article and the title was Lamar Odem's past is a 0:05:32.080 --> 0:05:36.880 cesspool of trauma, and I was like, full stop, this 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:42.359 docco was so fucked up, so fucked up. 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:44.800 I'm assuming he had a lot of trauma. 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:47.840 Yeah, he had a lot of trauma growing up. But 0:05:47.960 --> 0:05:51.320 he was such a raging drug addict. He basically admitted 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.719 that he married Chloe Kardashian because he saw their lifestyle 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:58.680 and wanted that lifestyle. And this poor bitch put her 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:01.800 life on a whole for this guy. Looked after him 0:06:01.800 --> 0:06:05.360 when he like rented a house for him to get 0:06:05.400 --> 0:06:11.520 better in after he had twelve fucking cardiac twelve strokes, 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:14.840 six heart attacks. He couldn't walk or talk anymore, and 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:17.640 she like literally nursed him back to health. And she 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:20.080 walks into the house that she'd rented for him when 0:06:20.120 --> 0:06:22.680 he got out of hospital, and she's like, you, once 0:06:22.720 --> 0:06:27.960 you've smelt crack cocaine, it's the most pungent, hectic smell. 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:30.560 And she said, I walked into the house and I 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:32.760 could smell it in the house, the one that she's 0:06:32.839 --> 0:06:35.400 renting for him. Taken her put her life on hold. 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:37.040 Walks up, he's sitting on the side of the bed 0:06:37.120 --> 0:06:39.160 smoking crack cocaine, and she just punched him in the 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:42.159 face and it's like I'm done. I felt my heart 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:45.240 broke the cloth because I'm like, you were so used 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:47.440 by this sick, sick human. 0:06:48.720 --> 0:06:52.599 Yeah, your heart breaks for her, yeah, but also for 0:06:52.720 --> 0:06:57.839 him because nobody wants to be like that. I what 0:06:57.960 --> 0:07:00.280 trauma does to you and the way it makes you 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.479 behave and then you get into that cycle of addiction. 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:04.760 And then add on to it that he was an athlete, 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:08.960 and you know, like I can imagine you, especially with athletes, 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:11.320 you know, you reach the peak of your powers, that's 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:14.120 the one thing that was your thing, and then you 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:17.160 age out of it or whatever, and then what the fuck. 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:17.440 Do you do? 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:20.840 Totally? I think that about AFL players all the time. 0:07:20.880 --> 0:07:24.440 I'm like, the mental health issues that would be amongst 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:28.320 former AFL players and stuff, because you are You've just 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:31.680 surrounded by a team, your days dictated to you. You're 0:07:31.720 --> 0:07:34.400 at this time, you're eating this, you're doing this, you're 0:07:34.440 --> 0:07:37.000 making so much coin and then it ends and there's 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:39.280 not a setup for them, like some of them do 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:42.400 course or something during it, but I mean, going from 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:44.920 being a professional athlete to then what the fuck are 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:47.000 you going to do? Also, Lamar was such a good 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:48.960 athlete from such an early age that he's like, my 0:07:49.080 --> 0:07:51.800 grades and everything were shit, but I just get away 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:55.920 with it because I was such a good basketballer. But 0:07:56.000 --> 0:07:58.160 it's so messed up. 0:07:58.680 --> 0:07:59.720 It was clutching in it. 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:02.160 Chloe did one you know how they do pieces to 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:05.960 camera with in documentary, So it was Lamar and Chloe 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:07.800 was one of them. And then the other guy who 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:11.440 was working at the brothel where Lamar ended up overdosing, 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:13.440 he was one of them as well. So it was 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:16.360 like went between the three of them and his auntie. 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.720 But he didn't invite any of his family to the wedding, 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:21.920 like he invited like one school friend to the wedding, 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:24.720 like he was a piece of work. And like you said, 0:08:24.880 --> 0:08:32.120 he's an addict. I just really struggle with addiction because 0:08:32.120 --> 0:08:35.160 I'm not across it as much as somebody who lives 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:38.160 with somebody with an addiction or has one. I'm just like, 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.440 when we call it a disease, I'm like, but cancer 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.880 is a disease. So I always struggle to put addiction 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:49.840 in the same category as a disease, which I always 0:08:50.080 --> 0:08:52.960 not correct. But that's sometimes what I really struggle with. 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:57.440 I think, oh, when I say this, I say it 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:02.160 like having lived the cancer world, right, so it sounds harsh. 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:04.880 I don't mean it in that way, but it's almost 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:07.880 like I definitely do see it as a disease, and 0:09:07.960 --> 0:09:10.600 I do think that it's passed on in genes as well, yea, 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:14.840 that addiction gene And I'm like, the worst part is 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:18.560 like cancer is in most cases a terrible hand that 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:23.400 you're dealt right, whereas addiction and then the things that 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:25.720 happen after that and the way that you blow up 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:28.880 your life is self inflicted. 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:31.760 It feels like that to me, which I don't think 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:33.439 know if it is, though, do you know what I mean? 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:35.439 That's what I mean, That's where I struck the damage. 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:40.320 Like, that's a disease that makes you act in a 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:44.360 certain way that impacts you and the people around you. 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:48.920 So it's almost like it's making you do things that 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:52.280 let's say it's alcoholism, and then you end up with 0:09:52.360 --> 0:09:56.840 liver cancer because you fucked your liver, right, you have 0:09:56.960 --> 0:10:00.520 given yourself that, so you've got the addiction. But what 0:10:00.679 --> 0:10:03.319 the addiction has driven you to do, which is drink, 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.680 is then what has caused the bad thing. Whereas with cancer, 0:10:06.720 --> 0:10:11.000 a lot of the time, it's like bad luck, you know, 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:12.320 So it's like you've. 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:15.480 Yeah, and it's so con I think it is so 0:10:15.640 --> 0:10:18.960 confusing for people who aren't directly linked to somebody with 0:10:19.000 --> 0:10:21.440 an addiction, with which most of us are to some extent. 0:10:21.480 --> 0:10:23.840 But I'm like, you're physically putting that alcohol into your 0:10:23.840 --> 0:10:27.920 body or you're physically doing that fucking needle, Like, just stop. 0:10:28.080 --> 0:10:30.360 Which I know it's not that easy. I get it. 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:32.760 It's the same, and I think you relate more because 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:35.440 you were addicted to smoking and you know it's like 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:40.120 so fucking hard to get off it. Yeah, but it's 0:10:40.200 --> 0:10:44.160 so as somebody who doesn't have an addiction to alcohol 0:10:44.240 --> 0:10:46.600 or drugs, I'm like, which, just fucking stop. You're ruining 0:10:46.600 --> 0:10:48.880 your life and you're ruining everyone around your life. 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:52.480 No, but we I think we all have addictions to 0:10:52.600 --> 0:10:56.600 some things, and those addictions some are just more socially 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:57.800 acceptable than others. 0:10:58.160 --> 0:10:58.600 I don't know. 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.240 It's also some are so much more destructive than others 0:11:01.280 --> 0:11:03.840 as well. You know, some addictions that we affect the 0:11:03.920 --> 0:11:07.440 person involved, where addictions to drug an alcohol effect, it's 0:11:07.480 --> 0:11:09.240 the ripple on effect, so fucking hectic. 0:11:09.520 --> 0:11:13.400 That tail as old as time trying to find things 0:11:13.440 --> 0:11:16.000 to fill in the voids, to. 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:16.880 Numb the trouma. 0:11:17.280 --> 0:11:18.160 Yeah, yep. 0:11:18.559 --> 0:11:21.800 So none of the other Kardashians were on it though. 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:26.400 But how's Kim Kardashian with Lewis Hamilton. I always am like, 0:11:27.080 --> 0:11:29.640 when I see a new celebrity couple, how did you meet? 0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:31.800 And then how do you go about it? How do 0:11:31.800 --> 0:11:33.719 you try and keep it secret? But remember I used 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:36.640 to go out with a pussy cat Dole Nicole Scherzinger. 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:41.439 Yes, I find that a strange pairing. 0:11:41.760 --> 0:11:44.680 Kim and Kim and Lewis. Yeah, I find Kim and 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:48.520 any pairing strange. I remember with Pete Davidson that was weird. 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:52.680 Yeah, I still am a bit suss on that. It 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:54.439 still seems. 0:11:55.440 --> 0:11:55.840 Weird. 0:11:56.200 --> 0:11:59.880 It's the mismatch in like what they're I don't know, 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:04.120 like their values. Everything just seemed wrong, like he would 0:12:04.120 --> 0:12:06.720 be taking the piss out of the Kardashians, not fucking one. 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:10.520 Yes, yeah, I don't know, because. 0:12:10.280 --> 0:12:12.520 As you know, my house is a very formula one 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:17.920 driven house. And I've always seen him as like a quiet, 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:18.880 shy little man. 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:21.080 Yeah, I don't know. 0:12:21.679 --> 0:12:24.600 No, I've seen him as a dirty bird because I 0:12:24.600 --> 0:12:27.720 think he used to cheat on nikolesher singer all the time. Yeah, 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:29.280 I think that was one. Like there was so much 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.720 infidelity there, and that's what I can't help it go. 0:12:32.160 --> 0:12:34.679 When you are with a partner that's a rock star 0:12:34.960 --> 0:12:37.680 or a traveling athlete or you know like that, it's like, 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:41.959 I feel like women get into these relationships and if 0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.719 they don't think the partner's cheating, then that's you being 0:12:44.720 --> 0:12:45.880 a fucking idiot. 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:50.360 But if tomorrow, let's say Sam is a great singer, right, 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:52.800 and then tomorrow he I don't know, released a single 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:57.160 and then became famous or whatever. I still I think 0:12:57.200 --> 0:12:58.960 the temptation is always there. 0:12:59.280 --> 0:13:02.520 Yeah, whether they follow through or not, Yeah, I don't know. 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:04.640 Got it hard though? 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:07.120 It would be so hard because the thing is, it's 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:10.120 not just our reality that we're all living in now, 0:13:10.120 --> 0:13:13.160 where all of a sudden we become famous. Everyone around 0:13:13.200 --> 0:13:16.679 you is a yes person, everyone's a facilitator. People are 0:13:16.679 --> 0:13:21.000 throwing themselves at you. So your perception of reality becomes 0:13:21.120 --> 0:13:26.240 very warped and very different. Like your like, the consequences 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:29.680 for you are very different than somebody like us. Got 0:13:29.760 --> 0:13:33.800 it a beef just be good week, a fun week. 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.920 Imagine you just got one week off life, and it's 0:13:37.000 --> 0:13:39.880 like this week doesn't count, so you can do whatever 0:13:39.960 --> 0:13:43.280 you want and you don't think, like your memory of 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.760 your family and everything's blocked out. It's just a fun 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:50.400 week of fucking and dancing and partying and money is 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:50.960 not a thing. 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:58.600 It's the time machine thing. One week to just blow 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:00.920 everything up and then go back in the time machine 0:14:01.520 --> 0:14:02.600 like it never happened. 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:06.680 Yeah, you'd probably while you during that week. Even though 0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:09.280 I've just said you blank out your reality, you'd probably 0:14:09.440 --> 0:14:10.560 crave your reality. 0:14:11.640 --> 0:14:16.720 I reckon, Oh look it's yeah, yeah, you probably would 0:14:16.760 --> 0:14:19.120 have to blank out your reality because I guess the 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.160 thing with kids too is the I. 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.000 Can't live with them, can't live without Yeah, exactly. 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.560 That's what I'm thinking. You'd miss them and I'd be like, 0:14:27.640 --> 0:14:30.640 I'm going to get kids. All of that works piling up, 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:33.880 so in our fantasy world, none of that exists. 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:37.800 That's our nervous breakdown. Yes, holiday totally. 0:14:41.160 --> 0:14:44.800 So the other day, now I go to hop into bed. 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:46.960 I just had a blue with Arloe. He was being 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.880 such a fuck with so I screamed. 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:52.800 At me, you talk like that about he. 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:56.720 Was being such a knob jockey. I screamed, I might. 0:14:56.600 --> 0:15:00.680 Have told you this. I screamed so loud. 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:06.000 Now I pissed my pants. I pissed my pants. 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:09.960 I threw shoes at Luca the other day. I feel better, yeah, but. 0:15:10.000 --> 0:15:12.520 We sho didn't piss your pants like my pat. I've 0:15:12.560 --> 0:15:15.520 spoken about my pelvic clare so bad that I'm having 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:17.440 to bend over a bit if I laugh, I have 0:15:17.480 --> 0:15:21.160 to bend over refreshenees. And I've yelled so loud that 0:15:21.240 --> 0:15:23.680 I'm like, fuck, I'm pissing, and I had to walk off. 0:15:23.840 --> 0:15:27.320 Luckily he didn't see that that had caused that. But 0:15:27.360 --> 0:15:29.360 I was like, I can't even yell at my kids 0:15:29.360 --> 0:15:32.840 now without pissing anyway. So I was fuming. I was 0:15:32.880 --> 0:15:35.760 so angry, went into the bathroom, had to change my 0:15:35.880 --> 0:15:40.160 pants and wash myself down and his pants this bullshit, 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:42.800 fucking shit as you were doing it totally, I was 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:46.320 so like, you know, sometimes you're so angry you don't 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:49.480 even recognize yourself and my sisters here, and I went 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:52.760 out and I'm like, I'm clearly not coping as I 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:55.120 put my pants into the dirty wash. But then I 0:15:55.160 --> 0:15:57.040 came back into my room, I'm like, fuck it, I'm 0:15:57.080 --> 0:15:59.200 just going to bed, and I was like, what are 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:03.160 all those black things all over the wall? One wall 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.560 had so many black things on it, and I was like, 0:16:06.640 --> 0:16:09.160 oh my god, are they ants? For fuck me? I 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:13.560 walk over to the maul. Hundreds and hundreds of baby 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:18.000 spiders scattered all over my wall, and I could see 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.240 the little hole they were coming out of, like it 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:25.880 was like Charlotte's wab Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. I couldn't believe it. 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:28.720 That's one of the things I see when I hallucinate 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:29.600 in my dream. 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:32.600 No you don't. That's awful that. 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:36.040 I'm always saying to Mark. There's spiders or ants or whatever, 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:42.800 miceol rats in the bed. Oh jeesuz, please okay, So 0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:45.520 how like what did you just look at it and 0:16:45.560 --> 0:16:48.840 almost the shock of seeing it and then you just 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:53.320 fell into a heap and went I'm going to bed because. 0:16:53.120 --> 0:16:54.840 Then I found Then I looked at my bed and 0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:56.880 there was a couple of scattered on the bed too. 0:16:57.040 --> 0:16:57.720 Oh my god. 0:16:57.800 --> 0:17:00.080 So I was like, oh my god, this is like 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:02.280 such a nightmare. So I went and got the mortem 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:06.480 and it was just home. No, Sam wasn't home. My 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:08.199 sisters I got. I said, come and look at this. 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:10.760 And she goes, oh my god, And I just sprayed 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:12.879 the shit out of them and then brushed them all 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:15.840 onto the floor and vacuumed them up and just wiped 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:17.359 them off my bed and tried to kill them, and 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:20.320 then got into bed and felt very uncomfortable. I was like, 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:22.639 there's probably fucking spiders all over me. But I was like, 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:26.439 this is shit. Literally nightmares are made of, or what 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:29.240 a movie would look like. And after you've just had 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:31.439 a mental breakdown, to come in and find that, I 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.560 was like, a fuck you, universe. 0:17:34.520 --> 0:17:36.240 You've got to find the nest. 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:37.199 Well. 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:40.840 I sprayed like there's a tiny little hole, a gap 0:17:40.880 --> 0:17:43.320 between my carpet and the wall, and so I just 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:44.800 sprayed the shit out of it. 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:49.240 I'm really sorry that happened. That's fucking rough day, mate. 0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:50.320 It was really rough. 0:17:50.560 --> 0:17:51.120 Rough day. 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.040 You're screaming at an eleven year Old's not nice to 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:58.080 pissing your pants to a nest of fucking spiders hatching 0:17:58.119 --> 0:17:58.919 in your bedroom. 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:03.760 It was I think there is something. And even though 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.439 it does sound very woo woo, you know in that 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:12.520 idea that your frequency, yes, if you're in a shitty frequency, 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:15.600 like you're attracting shit stuff in the spot as we like, 0:18:16.119 --> 0:18:17.320 which we smell piece. 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:22.920 Yeah, yes, do you get into vortex you need to pay. Yeah, 0:18:23.040 --> 0:18:25.000 this bitch is this is going to push her over here. 0:18:25.160 --> 0:18:27.480 This is going to be fine. But I literally because 0:18:27.520 --> 0:18:31.160 I still journal every day nearli pretty much. But I'm 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:34.840 writing like it's so the other day was doing it 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:36.840 and then I rip it up every time, Like why 0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:38.199 do you rip it up? I'm like, oh, this is 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:40.840 nothing anyone can ever read. This isn't how my days 0:18:41.320 --> 0:18:42.880 is and what I got up to when it nine 0:18:42.880 --> 0:18:44.679 oh five, went to the beach or whatever, like this 0:18:44.720 --> 0:18:47.280 is fucking ramblings of a mad woman. But I am 0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:50.840 trying to write about getting in the flow? Dare I 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:52.200 say it? With the universe? 0:18:54.160 --> 0:18:55.359 How do you get into the flow? 0:18:55.560 --> 0:18:58.840 I don't fucking know. I'm just writing it saying because 0:18:58.880 --> 0:19:02.119 you know, you feel when you're in flow, like I 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:04.159 know it sounds woo woo, but no, no, no, you 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:08.240 feel when you're living with ease and you're in flow 0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:10.560 with what's going on. And then you also feel when 0:19:10.600 --> 0:19:13.080 you're swimming against the tide. And at the moment I'm 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.360 swimming so far against the tide and I have moments 0:19:16.359 --> 0:19:18.719 of flow and I'm like, oh, this is flow and 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:22.800 it's just such living with ease. I started to listen 0:19:22.840 --> 0:19:26.399 to Gabby Bernstein's book I Fucking Hit rock Bottom, the 0:19:27.440 --> 0:19:31.560 lady who does the manifesting. But she's like the purpose 0:19:31.600 --> 0:19:34.160 of your life is to live with ease, and I'm like, yeah, 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:36.960 I have not very minimal ease in my life, and 0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:40.919 flow to me connected. I was like, yeah, I know 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:43.000 when I'm in flow, and I'm not in fucking flow. 0:19:43.280 --> 0:19:44.679 You know how I told you. I've been on this 0:19:44.760 --> 0:19:47.840 like beating rampage. Like sometimes three in the morning, I'm 0:19:47.880 --> 0:19:50.800 just sitting there beating. I saw a video the other 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:55.960 day that showed it was this woman that was showing herself. 0:19:57.240 --> 0:20:00.280 I don't know if she was painting or beating or ever, 0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:05.240 and she said, this is this is how I feel 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:07.000 when I'm beating, and it was silence. 0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:09.840 I think that's what it is. 0:20:10.720 --> 0:20:13.399 Like. I keep referring back to this time with the fence, 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.879 when I was painting the fence. The idea that I'm 0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:19.679