Speaker 1: Appogiate production.
Speaker 2: People pleasing.
Speaker 1: Yes, people pleasing. I feel like most women especially, Yeah,
Speaker 1: like we are all people pleasers. We've got tendencies. Some
Speaker 1: of us are on different ends of the scale. But
Speaker 1: let's chat about it, unpack it and find ways that
Speaker 1: you can start saying no and feel good about it.
Speaker 1: M hm. So people please. As someone who is like,
Speaker 1: their intentions are to always please other people at the
Speaker 1: cost of whatever that means to them. Yeah, Like, even
Speaker 1: if it doesn't feel good for them, their whole goal
Speaker 1: is to just make sure everyone else is happy and.
Speaker 2: Make sure everyone feels comfortable, make sure they're not fluffing
Speaker 2: any feathers, make sure there's no confrontation. I feel like
Speaker 2: it's as well to keep themselves safe.
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. That's what they've learned to do, Yeah,
Speaker 1: as a child.
Speaker 2: And they tend to sacrifice their own wants and needs
Speaker 2: above anyone else's. So even if they are run down,
Speaker 2: burnt out, don't have any capacity at all, they don't
Speaker 2: want to tell a friend no. They're going no, I
Speaker 2: don't want to do that. They'll think I'm a bad friend.
Speaker 2: They have these two es in their head that they're
Speaker 2: going to be a bad person by simply saying no.
Speaker 1: Biologically, we are wired to want to be accepted into
Speaker 1: the tribe and to be part of the tribe. So
Speaker 1: a lot of us have you been taught by ca
Speaker 1: gibers or parents or society that if you don't be
Speaker 1: nice and you don't say yes to things, you'll miss
Speaker 1: out on opportunities. People weren't like you, they won't invite
Speaker 1: you again if you don't say yes. So we've got
Speaker 1: all these like old stories that are ingrained in us.
Speaker 1: So as adults now it's like, oh gosh, if I
Speaker 1: don't say yes, they might not like me, they might
Speaker 1: not accept me. What if I don't get invited again?
Speaker 1: Like what if that oportunity never comes again? But even
Speaker 1: tho it doesn't feel right, what if I don't get
Speaker 1: that chance again? So we're living in fear, yeah, that
Speaker 1: if we don't say yes and please other people, that
Speaker 1: we're not going to be accepted and be a part
Speaker 1: of it all.
Speaker 2: No, And I feel like this also goes back to
Speaker 2: the different generations. I don't know about you, but being
Speaker 2: brought up always use your manners, always be polite, don't
Speaker 2: speak up, don't question why people are doing things, that's
Speaker 2: classified as rude. Yea, even if what other people are
Speaker 2: doing is wrong or is hurting or upsetting us at.
Speaker 1: The cost of your own happiness. And everything's at a cost,
Speaker 1: it was as yourself at what cost? So when you
Speaker 1: were saying yes to someone, whether that's to help them move,
Speaker 1: you know, houses, or to look after their puppy when
Speaker 1: they're away, or to do whatever, ask yourself, Okay, what
Speaker 1: does that feel good for me?
Speaker 2: At what cost?
Speaker 1: If I say yes to that, does that mean to
Speaker 1: miss out on time with my friends and family or
Speaker 1: does that mean I miss out on time working on
Speaker 1: my projects if I'm helping with yours? And in the
Speaker 1: long run, you're just living your life for literally every
Speaker 1: single person except for yourself. And guess what, No one's
Speaker 1: doing that for you. No, no, not for you.
Speaker 2: They're not worrying about in it for themselves.
Speaker 1: Everyone is in it for themselves. Uh huh. So you
Speaker 1: have to start saying no to other people so that
Speaker 1: you can start saying yes to yourself. Usually people pleases
Speaker 1: are people who struggle with confidence and need external validation
Speaker 1: and approval by friends and family. This is so true, Yeah, Like,
Speaker 1: it's such a true statement and I've spoken about this
Speaker 1: before as well, But I was such a people pleaser
Speaker 1: because I didn't think people actually liked me for me. Instead,
Speaker 1: they liked what I could bring to the table. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and this is only my twenties too. You know, my
Speaker 1: business blew up. I grew a massive following. I had
Speaker 1: a lot of money back of my twenties. We were
Speaker 1: killing it too much that we didn't even know how
Speaker 1: to like handle the how fast our business was scaling.
Speaker 1: And I don't think I want to believe like none
Speaker 1: of my friends or people around me use me. But
Speaker 1: I had a story that people didn't like me for me,
Speaker 1: they liked what I could bring to the table. So
Speaker 1: if I didn't say yes to things and come with
Speaker 1: everything there that they wouldn't like me. So I would
Speaker 1: just say yes to everything. I never would tune into
Speaker 1: like does it feel good for me to say yes
Speaker 1: to help that person with their business? Does it feel
Speaker 1: good for me to say yes to lend that person money?
Speaker 1: Does it feel good for me to be posting about
Speaker 1: that personal whatever? I never it was just always yes,
Speaker 1: of course I'll help you. I'm that person, I'm the giver.
Speaker 1: I'm always there for everyone. Of course, I can help
Speaker 1: you like I want everyone to succeeed, I want everyone
Speaker 1: to be happy, and then it just burns you out.
Speaker 1: And like I said, I don't think anyone actually used me.
Speaker 1: Who knows, I'm not sure. But now it's like I
Speaker 1: say yes if it feels good for me. Of course,
Speaker 1: I love helping people, but it's not going to be
Speaker 1: at the cost of my own business. No, at my
Speaker 1: own energy, at my own time with my family, and
Speaker 1: my own emotional wellbeing or mental health like that has
Speaker 1: to come first, otherwise I can't help anyone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I was people pleasing a lot
Speaker 2: surrounding work and my work ethic. I feel like I've
Speaker 2: felt very valued in that area of my life. Literally
Speaker 2: from the first time I ever got a job. I
Speaker 2: feel like I've always been a pretty hard worker. And
Speaker 2: looking back now in reflection, when we were even talking
Speaker 2: about this podcast episode, this is something that came to
Speaker 2: me throughout it and I was like, wow, I was
Speaker 2: that person's like, Oh I can work this that day.
Speaker 2: I can do that. I can do that shift that
Speaker 2: no one else wants to do because I so valued
Speaker 2: that part of me and thought that if I didn't
Speaker 2: show up and set those boundaries that I wasn't as
Speaker 2: good of a worker, or I wasn't going to I
Speaker 2: don't know read.
Speaker 1: It's part of your identity to be successful, available and
Speaker 1: like that girl that people can rely on.
Speaker 2: And everyone always commented, everyone's like, gosh, it's such a
Speaker 2: hard worker. Gosh, like look at you, like you can
Speaker 2: juggle so many balls in the air, Like holy duly,
Speaker 2: you've done five dispenses today and you've done thirty like
Speaker 2: and I was like, oh wow, like I can do this,
Speaker 2: and I've got the energy, like I can actually do this.
Speaker 2: But then yeah, it got to a point where I
Speaker 2: was like at what costs? And I feel like I
Speaker 2: still to this day struggle with that. I'm getting so
Speaker 2: much better now than what I was. But like, even
Speaker 2: when I look back at last year, it's that people
Speaker 2: pleasing around my work ethics because it's a part of
Speaker 2: my identity, and if I didn't do things a certain
Speaker 2: way or if I cut back on things, it made
Speaker 2: me feel like I was a failure. Growing up to
Speaker 2: a lot of people around me had their own businesses,
Speaker 2: and I saw them have everything happening in the way it's happening.
Speaker 2: I saw them work their absolute ass off and run
Speaker 2: themselves to the ground. Multiple people around me that had
Speaker 2: their own business. So in my head, I was like,
Speaker 2: that's what you have to have, but you definitely don't.
Speaker 2: You have to at the start. You have to go
Speaker 2: through phases of that and different transitions and different areas,
Speaker 2: but you don't have to say yes to everything. You
Speaker 2: don't have to be like, oh, I can do this
Speaker 2: and I can do that. You can go yeah nah,
Speaker 2: so yeah in my work area, I feel like that's
Speaker 2: somewhere where I've really kind of had struggled with that previously.
Speaker 2: So should had about how to progress forward something they're
Speaker 2: struggling with. So first thing is to recognize that you
Speaker 2: have got a choice and ask yourself the question at
Speaker 2: what cost? You might look at it and be like, yeah, Like,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna feel a bit tired, I'm gonna be pushing
Speaker 2: myself too much. But I feel like I've got the
Speaker 2: capacity right now. I don't have young kids, i don't
Speaker 2: have this. All my kids are at school. I've got
Speaker 2: to hold a hand. Yet this is my season to
Speaker 2: go in on all this, or you might go, you
Speaker 2: know what I feel like right now is not the
Speaker 2: right time. I'm going to push back on this right now.
Speaker 2: So it's all about asking yourself these questions and sometimes
Speaker 2: as well to say to someone, can you just give
Speaker 2: me a week to think about this. Can you give
Speaker 2: me a week to get back to you, or can
Speaker 2: you give me a day, depending on what it is
Speaker 2: to actually give yourself the time to go, ooh do
Speaker 2: I want to do this?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Let me look at everything around me, let me
Speaker 1: see if this is fitting right now?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And that is so powerful just knowing that you have
Speaker 1: the choice, because you often hear people say my mom
Speaker 1: made me like help her move the house, or like, oh,
Speaker 1: my work colleague like made me do all this stuff.
Speaker 1: It's like, well, do they hold a gun to your
Speaker 1: head and say I'm gonna kill you if you don't
Speaker 1: do this. No, that's still a choice that you have
Speaker 1: said yes, I'll do that, or no, I actually can't
Speaker 1: do that. Yeah. If you cannot do something you don't
Speaker 1: want to do it, that is your choice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, or even set your boundary, go, I can come
Speaker 2: for an hour and then that's all I've got. Like,
Speaker 2: I can come for one hour, then I really need
Speaker 2: some time with my family. Haven't seen my kids all day,
Speaker 2: Like alway. Yeah, so you can set the solid boundaries
Speaker 2: as well. So that's the best thing actually that I've
Speaker 2: learned is like as well, if you're having someone like
Speaker 2: come over and they like linger people pleasing hard, a
Speaker 2: little bit off topic. But if you ever have that too,
Speaker 2: Like what we do is we'll be like, oh, we'll
Speaker 2: me out, or like let's go on a walk, or
Speaker 2: even if you want to have a hard conversation, I
Speaker 2: go on a walk so you can like go separate
Speaker 2: ways afterwards, you're not like stuck in this awkward energy.
Speaker 2: So true, you set timeframes, like Kurt and I will
Speaker 2: do this with certain people, Like if I want to
Speaker 2: be like, oh I need to chat with this person,
Speaker 2: I will tell them I'll go on to walk with them,
Speaker 2: so like have a chat, or well go to a park.
Speaker 1: So that you can exit when you need to.
Speaker 2: That's it, honestly, rather than a.
Speaker 1: Pleasing and not being able to communicate. Hey, we actually
Speaker 1: want to have our own time, now, can you sk
Speaker 1: it out a.
Speaker 2: Lo out of that? Yeah, Or a lot of the
Speaker 2: time when we meet up with people, will do it
Speaker 2: outside the house. Yeah, because you might love it and
Speaker 2: you want to hang or invite them back. If you
Speaker 2: guys are having a great time, the kids are good
Speaker 2: in that, But if you're like going far out because
Speaker 2: you've had a huge week, don't know how they're going
Speaker 2: to be, what their capacity is going to be, like
Speaker 2: to meet at the park for a barbecue, meet down
Speaker 2: the beach for a swim.
Speaker 1: Like parenting one oh one, Yeah, love it, but.
Speaker 2: Then people pleasing too. You're kind of getting the best
Speaker 2: of both words. You're not putting yourself in a position
Speaker 2: where you don't have much controuble, or putting yourself in
Speaker 2: a bit of an awkward situation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, where you feel awkward, you struggle to communicate, like
Speaker 1: we want to go, or.
Speaker 2: If you're not super close to someone, yeah, yes, oh
Speaker 2: my gosh.
Speaker 1: Like we said before, no one else is looking out
Speaker 1: for you, like you have to look out for yourself.
Speaker 1: You have to be your own best friend. And it's
Speaker 1: just always just asking what exactly feels right to me,
Speaker 1: because no one else can make that decision for you either. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So being solid in that and being your own best
Speaker 1: friend and.
Speaker 2: Cheerleader, listening to your intuition, following that gut feeling.
Speaker 1: Yes, not just doing what you've always done. He's done
Speaker 1: you gonna get the same result and you're going to
Speaker 1: feel the same And if you keep saying yes to
Speaker 1: everyone else too, I feel like not only are you
Speaker 1: letting yourself down, but you're also building out resentment against
Speaker 1: them as well, because you feel like they are using
Speaker 1: you or they are taking advantage of you. Like all
Speaker 1: that kind of language can pop up.
Speaker 2: Aha, And you know what too, It feels yucky to
Speaker 2: tell someone no in the moment, but if you wait,
Speaker 2: how much yucky it does it feel if you say
Speaker 2: yes and then you've got to go ahead and do
Speaker 2: something that you don't want to do. Your heart's not
Speaker 2: in it. Like, I know it's tough in that moment
Speaker 2: to go like nah, Like I think I might miss
Speaker 2: out on this one. But how much harder is it
Speaker 2: when you say the wrong thing than what you actually.
Speaker 1: We commit to something you don't want to go, and
Speaker 1: then you have to go to that event or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. I know, so much harder to actually go
Speaker 1: do that?
Speaker 2: Is that old choose your herd you always talk about. Yeah,
Speaker 2: it's hard in the moment, but it's looking out for
Speaker 2: the future.
Speaker 1: Yes, And I think we spoke about this previous episode,
Speaker 1: but I.
Speaker 2: Think we chat about it yesterday when we're talking about this.
Speaker 1: When you have strong boundaries, surrounding yourself with people that
Speaker 1: have strong boundaries and on themselves, it gets easy to
Speaker 1: say no because they get it. Yeah, that's say no.
Speaker 2: They're not judging you no, because the.
Speaker 1: People that struggle with your nose, you'll see, they struggle
Speaker 1: with their own boundary settings.
Speaker 2: Projection is that. Yeah, like they struggle to say no themselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they make the same because they don't have boundaries.
Speaker 1: Though they can't handle someone else having boundaries. It feels
Speaker 1: uncomfortable for them because it's quite a powerful thing for
Speaker 1: someone to be able to say no. Yeah, And they
Speaker 1: used to them saying yes and giving the into everything
Speaker 1: that when someone else does and it's like oh yeah
Speaker 1: oh and they almost like take offense to it. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And another thing too, like if no feels a little
Speaker 2: bit too hard, like a stepping stone is like, oh,
Speaker 2: I might miss out this time. Next time, I'd love
Speaker 2: to come. If you want to invite me, like, I'll
Speaker 2: come then, So you can do a few little stepping
Speaker 2: stones rather be like no, which no is fine as well,
Speaker 2: but if you're feeling like, oh, that feels a bit harsh,
Speaker 2: I'd love to come next time, but this time, like
Speaker 2: you know, things are happening.
Speaker 1: Or or do you ever feel like Sometimes I still
Speaker 1: catch myself like over explaining like oh I can't come
Speaker 1: because this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened. Yeah,
Speaker 1: where you should be able to just say no. So
Speaker 1: I still fluff around Sometimes I'm like, oh, next time,
Speaker 1: yet something I would love to come. I'm just so
Speaker 1: fucking it.
Speaker 2: But it depends on the person. Again, I feel like,
Speaker 2: if it's somebody who like know, is not gonna be
Speaker 2: very happy about it, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: If they're so excited to have you there or whatever.
Speaker 1: That's when I'm like, I do feel bad, but you
Speaker 1: still need to honest.
Speaker 2: That's your own detriment. Yes. Another thing is to ask yourself, like,
Speaker 2: what is the worst that can happen? Yes, once you
Speaker 2: put that boundary place to say no, it's not like
Speaker 2: they're going to go, well, no, you're actually going.
Speaker 1: To it, or we're not friends anymore.
Speaker 2: I'm dragging you there, it's not gonna have yet, we're
Speaker 2: not friends anymore.
Speaker 1: They did say that we're not friends anymore, then that's
Speaker 1: not the kind of friend that.
Speaker 2: You're that's it, and that's wholly on them by you
Speaker 2: stick into your boundaries. It's got nothing to do with them.
Speaker 2: Their emotions and their emotions to manage, and yours are yours,
Speaker 2: and you're putting yourself first.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's such a good question in any situation. Hey,
Speaker 1: I ask myself that all the time. If I'm scared
Speaker 1: of something like getting on stage and talking, what's the
Speaker 1: worst thing that can happen to me? Right now? I
Speaker 1: forget what I'm saying, I crack a joke saying and
Speaker 1: being honest, and I forget what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: I fall over.
Speaker 1: God, that would be a viral bit I leak with
Speaker 1: my period. Okay, pretty relatable. Most of my audience is
Speaker 1: probably going to be females. Is there anything else really
Speaker 1: bad that can happen? Probably? Not, Like it's not that
Speaker 1: bad when you think about it. No, But you get
Speaker 1: so worked up over situations.
Speaker 2: It's a far or flight response to you know that
Speaker 2: you're wired that way and you can logically understand it,
Speaker 2: but it's telling yourself in those moments.
Speaker 1: Emotional and logical just so far apart, sometimes oh so
Speaker 1: far apart. And yeah, yeah, But when you ask that
Speaker 1: logical question, what's the worst thing that can happen. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: brings you back down to earth. It does not that bad. No,
Speaker 1: it's if that happens, cool, I've got a plan now
Speaker 1: I'll laugh about it. Yeah, and just remember, like were
Speaker 1: touched on as well, like how they respond is not
Speaker 1: your issue. No, it's not your responsibility and it's not
Speaker 1: your problem unfortunately, and that's something they have to work on.
Speaker 1: And when you hold your strong boundaries and say no,
Speaker 1: you're also leading the way. You're also showing them how
Speaker 1: to have boundaries, how to say no, and you're giving
Speaker 1: them a permission slip that they too can do that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so know that, like you're being an example for them.
Speaker 2: They'll feel more safe next time they want to say
Speaker 2: no to you because she said my last time, Like,
Speaker 2: I'm just going to say no this time.
Speaker 1: That's that a relationship that you're building, which is really
Speaker 1: cool because that's the relationship. If you're listening to this,
Speaker 1: I'm guessing that's sort of kind of relationships that you're
Speaker 1: wanting in your life. So hold the torch, be the
Speaker 1: leader and show them the way.