1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:07,281 Speaker 1: Appogiate production. 2 00:00:11,801 --> 00:00:12,641 Speaker 2: People pleasing. 3 00:00:12,921 --> 00:00:17,041 Speaker 1: Yes, people pleasing. I feel like most women especially, Yeah, 4 00:00:17,201 --> 00:00:20,721 Speaker 1: like we are all people pleasers. We've got tendencies. Some 5 00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: of us are on different ends of the scale. But 6 00:00:22,921 --> 00:00:26,360 Speaker 1: let's chat about it, unpack it and find ways that 7 00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:28,601 Speaker 1: you can start saying no and feel good about it. 8 00:00:28,721 --> 00:00:31,161 Speaker 1: M hm. So people please. As someone who is like, 9 00:00:31,721 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: their intentions are to always please other people at the 10 00:00:35,081 --> 00:00:37,681 Speaker 1: cost of whatever that means to them. Yeah, Like, even 11 00:00:37,721 --> 00:00:40,401 Speaker 1: if it doesn't feel good for them, their whole goal 12 00:00:40,601 --> 00:00:42,400 Speaker 1: is to just make sure everyone else is happy and. 13 00:00:42,441 --> 00:00:44,921 Speaker 2: Make sure everyone feels comfortable, make sure they're not fluffing 14 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:48,040 Speaker 2: any feathers, make sure there's no confrontation. I feel like 15 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,081 Speaker 2: it's as well to keep themselves safe. 16 00:00:49,881 --> 00:00:52,241 Speaker 1: One hundred percent. That's what they've learned to do, Yeah, 17 00:00:52,361 --> 00:00:53,361 Speaker 1: as a child. 18 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,441 Speaker 2: And they tend to sacrifice their own wants and needs 19 00:00:55,441 --> 00:00:58,601 Speaker 2: above anyone else's. So even if they are run down, 20 00:00:58,721 --> 00:01:01,241 Speaker 2: burnt out, don't have any capacity at all, they don't 21 00:01:01,241 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 2: want to tell a friend no. They're going no, I 22 00:01:02,921 --> 00:01:04,481 Speaker 2: don't want to do that. They'll think I'm a bad friend. 23 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,081 Speaker 2: They have these two es in their head that they're 24 00:01:06,121 --> 00:01:09,201 Speaker 2: going to be a bad person by simply saying no. 25 00:01:09,401 --> 00:01:12,081 Speaker 1: Biologically, we are wired to want to be accepted into 26 00:01:12,121 --> 00:01:13,920 Speaker 1: the tribe and to be part of the tribe. So 27 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,721 Speaker 1: a lot of us have you been taught by ca 28 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:20,481 Speaker 1: gibers or parents or society that if you don't be 29 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: nice and you don't say yes to things, you'll miss 30 00:01:22,601 --> 00:01:24,761 Speaker 1: out on opportunities. People weren't like you, they won't invite 31 00:01:24,761 --> 00:01:26,681 Speaker 1: you again if you don't say yes. So we've got 32 00:01:26,721 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 1: all these like old stories that are ingrained in us. 33 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,241 Speaker 1: So as adults now it's like, oh gosh, if I 34 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 1: don't say yes, they might not like me, they might 35 00:01:34,241 --> 00:01:36,200 Speaker 1: not accept me. What if I don't get invited again? 36 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,281 Speaker 1: Like what if that oportunity never comes again? But even 37 00:01:38,321 --> 00:01:39,920 Speaker 1: tho it doesn't feel right, what if I don't get 38 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: that chance again? So we're living in fear, yeah, that 39 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,761 Speaker 1: if we don't say yes and please other people, that 40 00:01:46,161 --> 00:01:48,160 Speaker 1: we're not going to be accepted and be a part 41 00:01:48,201 --> 00:01:48,921 Speaker 1: of it all. 42 00:01:49,161 --> 00:01:50,801 Speaker 2: No, And I feel like this also goes back to 43 00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:53,201 Speaker 2: the different generations. I don't know about you, but being 44 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:56,681 Speaker 2: brought up always use your manners, always be polite, don't 45 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:59,121 Speaker 2: speak up, don't question why people are doing things, that's 46 00:01:59,161 --> 00:02:02,241 Speaker 2: classified as rude. Yea, even if what other people are 47 00:02:02,241 --> 00:02:04,641 Speaker 2: doing is wrong or is hurting or upsetting us at. 48 00:02:04,441 --> 00:02:07,361 Speaker 1: The cost of your own happiness. And everything's at a cost, 49 00:02:07,521 --> 00:02:09,241 Speaker 1: it was as yourself at what cost? So when you 50 00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:12,081 Speaker 1: were saying yes to someone, whether that's to help them move, 51 00:02:12,281 --> 00:02:14,281 Speaker 1: you know, houses, or to look after their puppy when 52 00:02:14,281 --> 00:02:17,721 Speaker 1: they're away, or to do whatever, ask yourself, Okay, what 53 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,001 Speaker 1: does that feel good for me? 54 00:02:19,401 --> 00:02:20,201 Speaker 2: At what cost? 55 00:02:20,281 --> 00:02:22,081 Speaker 1: If I say yes to that, does that mean to 56 00:02:22,121 --> 00:02:24,081 Speaker 1: miss out on time with my friends and family or 57 00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:25,601 Speaker 1: does that mean I miss out on time working on 58 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,401 Speaker 1: my projects if I'm helping with yours? And in the 59 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:30,881 Speaker 1: long run, you're just living your life for literally every 60 00:02:30,881 --> 00:02:33,521 Speaker 1: single person except for yourself. And guess what, No one's 61 00:02:33,561 --> 00:02:36,481 Speaker 1: doing that for you. No, no, not for you. 62 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:38,441 Speaker 2: They're not worrying about in it for themselves. 63 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,961 Speaker 1: Everyone is in it for themselves. Uh huh. So you 64 00:02:41,041 --> 00:02:43,081 Speaker 1: have to start saying no to other people so that 65 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:46,361 Speaker 1: you can start saying yes to yourself. Usually people pleases 66 00:02:46,361 --> 00:02:49,481 Speaker 1: are people who struggle with confidence and need external validation 67 00:02:49,561 --> 00:02:53,641 Speaker 1: and approval by friends and family. This is so true, Yeah, Like, 68 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,001 Speaker 1: it's such a true statement and I've spoken about this 69 00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:58,041 Speaker 1: before as well, But I was such a people pleaser 70 00:02:58,081 --> 00:03:01,601 Speaker 1: because I didn't think people actually liked me for me. Instead, 71 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,041 Speaker 1: they liked what I could bring to the table. Yeah, 72 00:03:04,201 --> 00:03:06,321 Speaker 1: and this is only my twenties too. You know, my 73 00:03:06,401 --> 00:03:10,240 Speaker 1: business blew up. I grew a massive following. I had 74 00:03:10,281 --> 00:03:12,321 Speaker 1: a lot of money back of my twenties. We were 75 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 1: killing it too much that we didn't even know how 76 00:03:14,401 --> 00:03:17,921 Speaker 1: to like handle the how fast our business was scaling. 77 00:03:18,481 --> 00:03:20,601 Speaker 1: And I don't think I want to believe like none 78 00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:22,721 Speaker 1: of my friends or people around me use me. But 79 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,801 Speaker 1: I had a story that people didn't like me for me, 80 00:03:26,001 --> 00:03:27,721 Speaker 1: they liked what I could bring to the table. So 81 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:30,561 Speaker 1: if I didn't say yes to things and come with 82 00:03:30,641 --> 00:03:32,601 Speaker 1: everything there that they wouldn't like me. So I would 83 00:03:32,601 --> 00:03:35,121 Speaker 1: just say yes to everything. I never would tune into 84 00:03:35,201 --> 00:03:36,841 Speaker 1: like does it feel good for me to say yes 85 00:03:36,881 --> 00:03:38,841 Speaker 1: to help that person with their business? Does it feel 86 00:03:38,841 --> 00:03:40,841 Speaker 1: good for me to say yes to lend that person money? 87 00:03:41,001 --> 00:03:43,361 Speaker 1: Does it feel good for me to be posting about 88 00:03:43,401 --> 00:03:46,441 Speaker 1: that personal whatever? I never it was just always yes, 89 00:03:46,841 --> 00:03:49,441 Speaker 1: of course I'll help you. I'm that person, I'm the giver. 90 00:03:49,721 --> 00:03:51,801 Speaker 1: I'm always there for everyone. Of course, I can help 91 00:03:51,841 --> 00:03:53,601 Speaker 1: you like I want everyone to succeeed, I want everyone 92 00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:56,761 Speaker 1: to be happy, and then it just burns you out. 93 00:03:56,881 --> 00:03:59,001 Speaker 1: And like I said, I don't think anyone actually used me. 94 00:03:59,041 --> 00:04:02,601 Speaker 1: Who knows, I'm not sure. But now it's like I 95 00:04:02,641 --> 00:04:04,801 Speaker 1: say yes if it feels good for me. Of course, 96 00:04:04,801 --> 00:04:06,561 Speaker 1: I love helping people, but it's not going to be 97 00:04:06,561 --> 00:04:08,761 Speaker 1: at the cost of my own business. No, at my 98 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:11,801 Speaker 1: own energy, at my own time with my family, and 99 00:04:11,921 --> 00:04:14,961 Speaker 1: my own emotional wellbeing or mental health like that has 100 00:04:15,001 --> 00:04:16,841 Speaker 1: to come first, otherwise I can't help anyone. 101 00:04:17,161 --> 00:04:19,601 Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like I was people pleasing a lot 102 00:04:19,641 --> 00:04:23,121 Speaker 2: surrounding work and my work ethic. I feel like I've 103 00:04:23,281 --> 00:04:26,681 Speaker 2: felt very valued in that area of my life. Literally 104 00:04:26,681 --> 00:04:28,121 Speaker 2: from the first time I ever got a job. I 105 00:04:28,161 --> 00:04:30,641 Speaker 2: feel like I've always been a pretty hard worker. And 106 00:04:30,681 --> 00:04:32,880 Speaker 2: looking back now in reflection, when we were even talking 107 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,041 Speaker 2: about this podcast episode, this is something that came to 108 00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:37,161 Speaker 2: me throughout it and I was like, wow, I was 109 00:04:37,201 --> 00:04:39,041 Speaker 2: that person's like, Oh I can work this that day. 110 00:04:39,281 --> 00:04:40,721 Speaker 2: I can do that. I can do that shift that 111 00:04:40,761 --> 00:04:43,201 Speaker 2: no one else wants to do because I so valued 112 00:04:43,481 --> 00:04:45,721 Speaker 2: that part of me and thought that if I didn't 113 00:04:45,721 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 2: show up and set those boundaries that I wasn't as 114 00:04:49,121 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 2: good of a worker, or I wasn't going to I 115 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,121 Speaker 2: don't know read. 116 00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:56,161 Speaker 1: It's part of your identity to be successful, available and 117 00:04:56,201 --> 00:04:58,041 Speaker 1: like that girl that people can rely on. 118 00:04:58,161 --> 00:05:00,201 Speaker 2: And everyone always commented, everyone's like, gosh, it's such a 119 00:05:00,241 --> 00:05:02,481 Speaker 2: hard worker. Gosh, like look at you, like you can 120 00:05:02,561 --> 00:05:04,721 Speaker 2: juggle so many balls in the air, Like holy duly, 121 00:05:05,041 --> 00:05:07,361 Speaker 2: you've done five dispenses today and you've done thirty like 122 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:10,161 Speaker 2: and I was like, oh wow, like I can do this, 123 00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:12,161 Speaker 2: and I've got the energy, like I can actually do this. 124 00:05:12,241 --> 00:05:14,121 Speaker 2: But then yeah, it got to a point where I 125 00:05:14,161 --> 00:05:15,641 Speaker 2: was like at what costs? And I feel like I 126 00:05:15,721 --> 00:05:18,080 Speaker 2: still to this day struggle with that. I'm getting so 127 00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:20,201 Speaker 2: much better now than what I was. But like, even 128 00:05:20,201 --> 00:05:22,041 Speaker 2: when I look back at last year, it's that people 129 00:05:22,041 --> 00:05:24,361 Speaker 2: pleasing around my work ethics because it's a part of 130 00:05:24,401 --> 00:05:29,001 Speaker 2: my identity, and if I didn't do things a certain 131 00:05:29,081 --> 00:05:31,041 Speaker 2: way or if I cut back on things, it made 132 00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 2: me feel like I was a failure. Growing up to 133 00:05:33,521 --> 00:05:35,481 Speaker 2: a lot of people around me had their own businesses, 134 00:05:35,521 --> 00:05:37,601 Speaker 2: and I saw them have everything happening in the way it's happening. 135 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,801 Speaker 2: I saw them work their absolute ass off and run 136 00:05:39,841 --> 00:05:42,081 Speaker 2: themselves to the ground. Multiple people around me that had 137 00:05:42,081 --> 00:05:43,561 Speaker 2: their own business. So in my head, I was like, 138 00:05:43,921 --> 00:05:46,241 Speaker 2: that's what you have to have, but you definitely don't. 139 00:05:46,801 --> 00:05:48,161 Speaker 2: You have to at the start. You have to go 140 00:05:48,161 --> 00:05:50,881 Speaker 2: through phases of that and different transitions and different areas, 141 00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:54,121 Speaker 2: but you don't have to say yes to everything. You 142 00:05:54,161 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 2: don't have to be like, oh, I can do this 143 00:05:56,281 --> 00:05:58,681 Speaker 2: and I can do that. You can go yeah nah, 144 00:05:58,801 --> 00:06:00,841 Speaker 2: so yeah in my work area, I feel like that's 145 00:06:00,841 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 2: somewhere where I've really kind of had struggled with that previously. 146 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:08,200 Speaker 2: So should had about how to progress forward something they're 147 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,961 Speaker 2: struggling with. So first thing is to recognize that you 148 00:06:12,041 --> 00:06:16,161 Speaker 2: have got a choice and ask yourself the question at 149 00:06:16,161 --> 00:06:18,721 Speaker 2: what cost? You might look at it and be like, yeah, Like, 150 00:06:18,761 --> 00:06:20,760 Speaker 2: I'm gonna feel a bit tired, I'm gonna be pushing 151 00:06:20,761 --> 00:06:22,681 Speaker 2: myself too much. But I feel like I've got the 152 00:06:22,721 --> 00:06:24,561 Speaker 2: capacity right now. I don't have young kids, i don't 153 00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,201 Speaker 2: have this. All my kids are at school. I've got 154 00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:28,161 Speaker 2: to hold a hand. Yet this is my season to 155 00:06:28,201 --> 00:06:30,481 Speaker 2: go in on all this, or you might go, you 156 00:06:30,521 --> 00:06:32,161 Speaker 2: know what I feel like right now is not the 157 00:06:32,201 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 2: right time. I'm going to push back on this right now. 158 00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:37,361 Speaker 2: So it's all about asking yourself these questions and sometimes 159 00:06:37,401 --> 00:06:39,681 Speaker 2: as well to say to someone, can you just give 160 00:06:39,681 --> 00:06:41,440 Speaker 2: me a week to think about this. Can you give 161 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,641 Speaker 2: me a week to get back to you, or can 162 00:06:42,681 --> 00:06:44,241 Speaker 2: you give me a day, depending on what it is 163 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,761 Speaker 2: to actually give yourself the time to go, ooh do 164 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:48,521 Speaker 2: I want to do this? 165 00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,400 Speaker 1: Yeah? Let me look at everything around me, let me 166 00:06:50,401 --> 00:06:51,601 Speaker 1: see if this is fitting right now? 167 00:06:51,681 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 2: Yeah? 168 00:06:52,361 --> 00:06:54,281 Speaker 1: And that is so powerful just knowing that you have 169 00:06:54,361 --> 00:06:58,200 Speaker 1: the choice, because you often hear people say my mom 170 00:06:58,241 --> 00:07:00,601 Speaker 1: made me like help her move the house, or like, oh, 171 00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:03,041 Speaker 1: my work colleague like made me do all this stuff. 172 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,961 Speaker 1: It's like, well, do they hold a gun to your 173 00:07:05,081 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 1: head and say I'm gonna kill you if you don't 174 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,601 Speaker 1: do this. No, that's still a choice that you have 175 00:07:08,681 --> 00:07:11,161 Speaker 1: said yes, I'll do that, or no, I actually can't 176 00:07:11,201 --> 00:07:13,401 Speaker 1: do that. Yeah. If you cannot do something you don't 177 00:07:13,401 --> 00:07:15,401 Speaker 1: want to do it, that is your choice. 178 00:07:15,641 --> 00:07:17,681 Speaker 2: Yeah, or even set your boundary, go, I can come 179 00:07:17,721 --> 00:07:19,481 Speaker 2: for an hour and then that's all I've got. Like, 180 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,721 Speaker 2: I can come for one hour, then I really need 181 00:07:20,881 --> 00:07:22,401 Speaker 2: some time with my family. Haven't seen my kids all day, 182 00:07:22,561 --> 00:07:25,441 Speaker 2: Like alway. Yeah, so you can set the solid boundaries 183 00:07:25,481 --> 00:07:28,241 Speaker 2: as well. So that's the best thing actually that I've 184 00:07:28,321 --> 00:07:30,801 Speaker 2: learned is like as well, if you're having someone like 185 00:07:30,881 --> 00:07:35,681 Speaker 2: come over and they like linger people pleasing hard, a 186 00:07:35,721 --> 00:07:38,881 Speaker 2: little bit off topic. But if you ever have that too, 187 00:07:38,961 --> 00:07:40,881 Speaker 2: Like what we do is we'll be like, oh, we'll 188 00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:42,201 Speaker 2: me out, or like let's go on a walk, or 189 00:07:42,241 --> 00:07:44,441 Speaker 2: even if you want to have a hard conversation, I 190 00:07:44,521 --> 00:07:47,001 Speaker 2: go on a walk so you can like go separate 191 00:07:47,041 --> 00:07:49,601 Speaker 2: ways afterwards, you're not like stuck in this awkward energy. 192 00:07:49,881 --> 00:07:53,201 Speaker 2: So true, you set timeframes, like Kurt and I will 193 00:07:53,241 --> 00:07:54,681 Speaker 2: do this with certain people, Like if I want to 194 00:07:54,721 --> 00:07:56,001 Speaker 2: be like, oh I need to chat with this person, 195 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,721 Speaker 2: I will tell them I'll go on to walk with them, 196 00:07:58,161 --> 00:08:01,121 Speaker 2: so like have a chat, or well go to a park. 197 00:08:00,961 --> 00:08:02,401 Speaker 1: So that you can exit when you need to. 198 00:08:02,641 --> 00:08:05,161 Speaker 2: That's it, honestly, rather than a. 199 00:08:05,201 --> 00:08:07,521 Speaker 1: Pleasing and not being able to communicate. Hey, we actually 200 00:08:07,561 --> 00:08:09,361 Speaker 1: want to have our own time, now, can you sk 201 00:08:09,401 --> 00:08:09,841 Speaker 1: it out a. 202 00:08:09,761 --> 00:08:11,001 Speaker 2: Lo out of that? Yeah, Or a lot of the 203 00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:12,281 Speaker 2: time when we meet up with people, will do it 204 00:08:12,281 --> 00:08:14,401 Speaker 2: outside the house. Yeah, because you might love it and 205 00:08:14,441 --> 00:08:15,841 Speaker 2: you want to hang or invite them back. If you 206 00:08:15,881 --> 00:08:17,281 Speaker 2: guys are having a great time, the kids are good 207 00:08:17,281 --> 00:08:18,921 Speaker 2: in that, But if you're like going far out because 208 00:08:18,921 --> 00:08:20,361 Speaker 2: you've had a huge week, don't know how they're going 209 00:08:20,441 --> 00:08:21,921 Speaker 2: to be, what their capacity is going to be, like 210 00:08:22,441 --> 00:08:24,401 Speaker 2: to meet at the park for a barbecue, meet down 211 00:08:24,441 --> 00:08:25,841 Speaker 2: the beach for a swim. 212 00:08:25,601 --> 00:08:28,121 Speaker 1: Like parenting one oh one, Yeah, love it, but. 213 00:08:28,081 --> 00:08:29,761 Speaker 2: Then people pleasing too. You're kind of getting the best 214 00:08:29,761 --> 00:08:31,401 Speaker 2: of both words. You're not putting yourself in a position 215 00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:34,721 Speaker 2: where you don't have much controuble, or putting yourself in 216 00:08:34,721 --> 00:08:35,761 Speaker 2: a bit of an awkward situation. 217 00:08:36,041 --> 00:08:38,721 Speaker 1: Yeah, where you feel awkward, you struggle to communicate, like 218 00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:39,601 Speaker 1: we want to go, or. 219 00:08:39,601 --> 00:08:42,241 Speaker 2: If you're not super close to someone, yeah, yes, oh 220 00:08:42,281 --> 00:08:43,481 Speaker 2: my gosh. 221 00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:46,281 Speaker 1: Like we said before, no one else is looking out 222 00:08:46,321 --> 00:08:48,081 Speaker 1: for you, like you have to look out for yourself. 223 00:08:48,081 --> 00:08:49,801 Speaker 1: You have to be your own best friend. And it's 224 00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:52,761 Speaker 1: just always just asking what exactly feels right to me, 225 00:08:53,121 --> 00:08:56,081 Speaker 1: because no one else can make that decision for you either. Yeah, 226 00:08:56,201 --> 00:08:58,201 Speaker 1: So being solid in that and being your own best 227 00:08:58,201 --> 00:08:58,521 Speaker 1: friend and. 228 00:08:58,561 --> 00:09:01,961 Speaker 2: Cheerleader, listening to your intuition, following that gut feeling. 229 00:09:02,481 --> 00:09:05,361 Speaker 1: Yes, not just doing what you've always done. He's done 230 00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:06,481 Speaker 1: you gonna get the same result and you're going to 231 00:09:06,521 --> 00:09:08,841 Speaker 1: feel the same And if you keep saying yes to 232 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,641 Speaker 1: everyone else too, I feel like not only are you 233 00:09:10,761 --> 00:09:13,681 Speaker 1: letting yourself down, but you're also building out resentment against 234 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,641 Speaker 1: them as well, because you feel like they are using 235 00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:17,481 Speaker 1: you or they are taking advantage of you. Like all 236 00:09:17,521 --> 00:09:18,761 Speaker 1: that kind of language can pop up. 237 00:09:18,841 --> 00:09:22,201 Speaker 2: Aha, And you know what too, It feels yucky to 238 00:09:22,281 --> 00:09:25,481 Speaker 2: tell someone no in the moment, but if you wait, 239 00:09:25,681 --> 00:09:27,441 Speaker 2: how much yucky it does it feel if you say 240 00:09:27,521 --> 00:09:29,121 Speaker 2: yes and then you've got to go ahead and do 241 00:09:29,161 --> 00:09:31,401 Speaker 2: something that you don't want to do. Your heart's not 242 00:09:31,521 --> 00:09:33,801 Speaker 2: in it. Like, I know it's tough in that moment 243 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:36,001 Speaker 2: to go like nah, Like I think I might miss 244 00:09:36,041 --> 00:09:37,801 Speaker 2: out on this one. But how much harder is it 245 00:09:37,841 --> 00:09:40,280 Speaker 2: when you say the wrong thing than what you actually. 246 00:09:40,081 --> 00:09:41,361 Speaker 1: We commit to something you don't want to go, and 247 00:09:41,361 --> 00:09:42,841 Speaker 1: then you have to go to that event or whatever 248 00:09:42,881 --> 00:09:45,761 Speaker 1: it is. I know, so much harder to actually go 249 00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:46,121 Speaker 1: do that? 250 00:09:46,201 --> 00:09:49,041 Speaker 2: Is that old choose your herd you always talk about. Yeah, 251 00:09:49,081 --> 00:09:51,281 Speaker 2: it's hard in the moment, but it's looking out for 252 00:09:51,321 --> 00:09:51,801 Speaker 2: the future. 253 00:09:52,121 --> 00:09:54,881 Speaker 1: Yes, And I think we spoke about this previous episode, 254 00:09:54,881 --> 00:09:55,041 Speaker 1: but I. 255 00:09:55,001 --> 00:09:57,001 Speaker 2: Think we chat about it yesterday when we're talking about this. 256 00:09:57,361 --> 00:09:59,881 Speaker 1: When you have strong boundaries, surrounding yourself with people that 257 00:09:59,961 --> 00:10:03,041 Speaker 1: have strong boundaries and on themselves, it gets easy to 258 00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,881 Speaker 1: say no because they get it. Yeah, that's say no. 259 00:10:05,921 --> 00:10:07,921 Speaker 2: They're not judging you no, because the. 260 00:10:07,961 --> 00:10:12,121 Speaker 1: People that struggle with your nose, you'll see, they struggle 261 00:10:12,161 --> 00:10:13,601 Speaker 1: with their own boundary settings. 262 00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:16,961 Speaker 2: Projection is that. Yeah, like they struggle to say no themselves. 263 00:10:17,041 --> 00:10:19,561 Speaker 1: Yeah, they make the same because they don't have boundaries. 264 00:10:19,601 --> 00:10:22,881 Speaker 1: Though they can't handle someone else having boundaries. It feels 265 00:10:22,961 --> 00:10:25,681 Speaker 1: uncomfortable for them because it's quite a powerful thing for 266 00:10:25,681 --> 00:10:27,441 Speaker 1: someone to be able to say no. Yeah, And they 267 00:10:27,601 --> 00:10:29,881 Speaker 1: used to them saying yes and giving the into everything 268 00:10:29,881 --> 00:10:32,081 Speaker 1: that when someone else does and it's like oh yeah 269 00:10:32,081 --> 00:10:34,361 Speaker 1: oh and they almost like take offense to it. Yeah. 270 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,881 Speaker 2: And another thing too, like if no feels a little 271 00:10:36,881 --> 00:10:38,721 Speaker 2: bit too hard, like a stepping stone is like, oh, 272 00:10:38,761 --> 00:10:40,961 Speaker 2: I might miss out this time. Next time, I'd love 273 00:10:40,961 --> 00:10:42,281 Speaker 2: to come. If you want to invite me, like, I'll 274 00:10:42,321 --> 00:10:44,161 Speaker 2: come then, So you can do a few little stepping 275 00:10:44,161 --> 00:10:47,601 Speaker 2: stones rather be like no, which no is fine as well, 276 00:10:47,601 --> 00:10:49,681 Speaker 2: but if you're feeling like, oh, that feels a bit harsh, 277 00:10:49,801 --> 00:10:51,361 Speaker 2: I'd love to come next time, but this time, like 278 00:10:51,361 --> 00:10:52,761 Speaker 2: you know, things are happening. 279 00:10:52,481 --> 00:10:54,561 Speaker 1: Or or do you ever feel like Sometimes I still 280 00:10:54,601 --> 00:10:56,961 Speaker 1: catch myself like over explaining like oh I can't come 281 00:10:57,001 --> 00:10:59,601 Speaker 1: because this happened, this happened, this happened, this happened. Yeah, 282 00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:01,401 Speaker 1: where you should be able to just say no. So 283 00:11:01,481 --> 00:11:04,601 Speaker 1: I still fluff around Sometimes I'm like, oh, next time, 284 00:11:04,681 --> 00:11:06,601 Speaker 1: yet something I would love to come. I'm just so 285 00:11:06,681 --> 00:11:07,041 Speaker 1: fucking it. 286 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:08,801 Speaker 2: But it depends on the person. Again, I feel like, 287 00:11:08,921 --> 00:11:10,721 Speaker 2: if it's somebody who like know, is not gonna be 288 00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:12,881 Speaker 2: very happy about it, I'm so sorry. 289 00:11:13,041 --> 00:11:15,361 Speaker 1: If they're so excited to have you there or whatever. 290 00:11:15,441 --> 00:11:17,721 Speaker 1: That's when I'm like, I do feel bad, but you 291 00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:18,641 Speaker 1: still need to honest. 292 00:11:18,521 --> 00:11:23,881 Speaker 2: That's your own detriment. Yes. Another thing is to ask yourself, like, 293 00:11:23,921 --> 00:11:25,921 Speaker 2: what is the worst that can happen? Yes, once you 294 00:11:26,041 --> 00:11:27,361 Speaker 2: put that boundary place to say no, it's not like 295 00:11:27,361 --> 00:11:29,761 Speaker 2: they're going to go, well, no, you're actually going. 296 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,441 Speaker 1: To it, or we're not friends anymore. 297 00:11:31,681 --> 00:11:34,321 Speaker 2: I'm dragging you there, it's not gonna have yet, we're 298 00:11:34,321 --> 00:11:35,121 Speaker 2: not friends anymore. 299 00:11:35,721 --> 00:11:37,601 Speaker 1: They did say that we're not friends anymore, then that's 300 00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:38,521 Speaker 1: not the kind of friend that. 301 00:11:38,441 --> 00:11:41,401 Speaker 2: You're that's it, and that's wholly on them by you 302 00:11:41,481 --> 00:11:43,841 Speaker 2: stick into your boundaries. It's got nothing to do with them. 303 00:11:44,721 --> 00:11:47,121 Speaker 2: Their emotions and their emotions to manage, and yours are yours, 304 00:11:47,161 --> 00:11:48,321 Speaker 2: and you're putting yourself first. 305 00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:51,281 Speaker 1: Yes, that's such a good question in any situation. Hey, 306 00:11:51,321 --> 00:11:54,041 Speaker 1: I ask myself that all the time. If I'm scared 307 00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:56,401 Speaker 1: of something like getting on stage and talking, what's the 308 00:11:56,441 --> 00:11:58,361 Speaker 1: worst thing that can happen to me? Right now? I 309 00:11:58,401 --> 00:12:00,801 Speaker 1: forget what I'm saying, I crack a joke saying and 310 00:12:00,841 --> 00:12:02,281 Speaker 1: being honest, and I forget what I'm saying. 311 00:12:02,641 --> 00:12:03,281 Speaker 2: I fall over. 312 00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:07,681 Speaker 1: God, that would be a viral bit I leak with 313 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,481 Speaker 1: my period. Okay, pretty relatable. Most of my audience is 314 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,001 Speaker 1: probably going to be females. Is there anything else really 315 00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:15,161 Speaker 1: bad that can happen? Probably? Not, Like it's not that 316 00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:17,801 Speaker 1: bad when you think about it. No, But you get 317 00:12:17,881 --> 00:12:19,721 Speaker 1: so worked up over situations. 318 00:12:19,801 --> 00:12:21,601 Speaker 2: It's a far or flight response to you know that 319 00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:23,961 Speaker 2: you're wired that way and you can logically understand it, 320 00:12:24,321 --> 00:12:26,761 Speaker 2: but it's telling yourself in those moments. 321 00:12:26,481 --> 00:12:29,481 Speaker 1: Emotional and logical just so far apart, sometimes oh so 322 00:12:29,521 --> 00:12:32,041 Speaker 1: far apart. And yeah, yeah, But when you ask that 323 00:12:32,081 --> 00:12:34,201 Speaker 1: logical question, what's the worst thing that can happen. It's like, oh, 324 00:12:34,281 --> 00:12:36,841 Speaker 1: brings you back down to earth. It does not that bad. No, 325 00:12:36,921 --> 00:12:38,681 Speaker 1: it's if that happens, cool, I've got a plan now 326 00:12:38,681 --> 00:12:41,041 Speaker 1: I'll laugh about it. Yeah, and just remember, like were 327 00:12:41,121 --> 00:12:43,721 Speaker 1: touched on as well, like how they respond is not 328 00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:46,321 Speaker 1: your issue. No, it's not your responsibility and it's not 329 00:12:46,361 --> 00:12:49,201 Speaker 1: your problem unfortunately, and that's something they have to work on. 330 00:12:49,441 --> 00:12:51,321 Speaker 1: And when you hold your strong boundaries and say no, 331 00:12:51,881 --> 00:12:55,441 Speaker 1: you're also leading the way. You're also showing them how 332 00:12:55,481 --> 00:12:57,441 Speaker 1: to have boundaries, how to say no, and you're giving 333 00:12:57,481 --> 00:12:59,841 Speaker 1: them a permission slip that they too can do that. Yeah, 334 00:12:59,881 --> 00:13:01,961 Speaker 1: so know that, like you're being an example for them. 335 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:03,721 Speaker 2: They'll feel more safe next time they want to say 336 00:13:03,721 --> 00:13:05,641 Speaker 2: no to you because she said my last time, Like, 337 00:13:05,641 --> 00:13:06,721 Speaker 2: I'm just going to say no this time. 338 00:13:06,841 --> 00:13:09,561 Speaker 1: That's that a relationship that you're building, which is really 339 00:13:09,561 --> 00:13:11,361 Speaker 1: cool because that's the relationship. If you're listening to this, 340 00:13:11,401 --> 00:13:13,481 Speaker 1: I'm guessing that's sort of kind of relationships that you're 341 00:13:13,521 --> 00:13:16,081 Speaker 1: wanting in your life. So hold the torch, be the 342 00:13:16,161 --> 00:13:22,641 Speaker 1: leader and show them the way.