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Speaker 1: Oh here we are. We're back. Everyone, We're back. I

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Speaker 1: was going to start with a bang. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: start low. I normally come in like hey, like that.

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing that today, everyone. I'm just I'm just

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Speaker 1: lulling you in, just with that kind of low key

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Speaker 1: where we're going to build the energy through the show.

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Speaker 1: We don't want to peak too early because otherwise then

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Speaker 1: there's just gradual slide. So I'm just going to calmly

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Speaker 1: and casually say I, tiff.

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Speaker 2: I just felt a sense of calm just wash all

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Speaker 2: over me.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's like Jesus is hosting the podcast, isn't it.

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Speaker 1: It's like the Dalai Lama has slipped into the number

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Speaker 1: one seat. I don't speak. Pick your favorite guru. How's

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Speaker 1: your day going, Cookie?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? Good good. Just did some rounds with REXI at

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Speaker 2: the gym. Seventy two years old, firing and like a teenager.

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Speaker 1: How much like you do a lot of Like you

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Speaker 1: you coach people, you do a bit of head stuff,

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Speaker 1: but you also do a lot of practical feed on

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Speaker 1: the ground, face to face training with human strength stuff,

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Speaker 1: conditioning stuff, a lot of boxing stuff. What's your favorite

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Speaker 1: thing to do? Is it one on one? Is it groups?

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Speaker 1: Is it boxing training? Is it like, I know, you

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Speaker 1: work with a few people with a few issues and

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Speaker 1: you kind of help them through that through almost like

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Speaker 1: physical therapy. What's your favorite face to face thing to do.

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Speaker 2: I like, I like figuring out. I like exploring what's

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Speaker 2: inside people's perceptions and that does that come through on everything?

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Speaker 2: So that doesn't that doesn't matter if it's a boxing session,

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Speaker 2: one on one, a boxing workshop, a mindset session. It's

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Speaker 2: like everything's the metaphor for that. And I feel like

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Speaker 2: that's what I'm like, sneaking around DOINGOW and it's and

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Speaker 2: it's fun that because pennies just drop, or you learn

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Speaker 2: something in ways that it's like a puzzle or you

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Speaker 2: see patterns and it's cool. I like that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I think there's like everything's intertwine. Let's say a

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Speaker 1: load to the dock before we get too deep. Hi Doc,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Good morning. How are you?

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Speaker 3: I'm good for the morning. You know, I'm not really

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Speaker 3: a morning person, as you know.

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Speaker 1: Well you look we were saying before we press the

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Speaker 1: go button. Compared to it. I mean this with respect

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Speaker 1: because tips and athletes, So she looks like an athlete

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Speaker 1: and dresses like an athlete. Do you look like a

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Speaker 1: bloody runway model with your hair and your lipstick? And

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Speaker 1: you I'm not saying done anything.

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Speaker 3: I just literally got up and pull lipstick on.

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Speaker 1: If I'm not saying that you're not glamorous, Tiff.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps I've worn some redlippy, but at least twice in

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Speaker 2: the last five years.

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Speaker 1: Is that because is that? I reckon? We might see

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Speaker 1: a bit more red lippy. Doc because somebody doesn't have

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Speaker 1: a boyfriend. Nudge, nudge, wig. We you can invert it.

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Speaker 1: Comments doesn't have a boyfriend? Okay, no, we know you don't,

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Speaker 1: and it's good that you don't have a boyfriend.

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Speaker 3: There's this mental health campaign called Liptember. It's for women's

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Speaker 3: mental health, and I love it because it's associated with lipstick.

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Speaker 3: So it's like mental health and lipstick my two favorite things.

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Speaker 1: Well, I better get behind that.

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Speaker 3: I've got like two hundred and fifty shades of lipstick.

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Speaker 3: It's insane, and I always buy more because I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 3: I don't have that exact shade. I need that red.

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Speaker 2: See.

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Speaker 1: I just think that you admitted one of probably one

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Speaker 1: of your numerous psychological issues. It is as a psychologist.

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Speaker 1: If somebody rocked up to you and said, I've got

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Speaker 1: two hundred and fifty different colored lipsticks it's not enough,

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Speaker 1: what would you tell them?

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Speaker 3: I'd say, yeah, I totally get it.

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Speaker 2: What about you're totally The idea of trying to make

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Speaker 2: a decision out of two hundred and fifty colors every

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Speaker 2: single day almost puts me into a state of complete malfunction.

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Speaker 3: Well, I've recently organized them into like the boxes of shade,

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Speaker 3: so I've got brown, orange, pink, and red and so.

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Speaker 3: Then so I know like which shed I want, and

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Speaker 3: then I can pick out of them.

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Speaker 1: Wow, here's a conversation organized chaos. Here's a conversation we've

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Speaker 1: never had on the show. And I'm sure there's a

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Speaker 1: lot there's a lot of people who are probably way

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Speaker 1: more interested than me. I'm interested in the psychology behind it,

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Speaker 1: the lipsticks, but the thinking, well, yeah, that is funny,

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Speaker 1: isn't It's like, I don't know what it is about.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Do I just not care? Because I

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Speaker 1: essentially wear every day a different black T shirt. And

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Speaker 1: by the way, everyone I do have many ever Last

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Speaker 1: T shirts and many Lonsdale T shirts. They're not the

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Speaker 1: same one and any pairs of cat Go shorts. People

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Speaker 1: think I have like one shirt and one No, I

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Speaker 1: have like twenty or thirty of each. But yeah, what

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Speaker 1: do you think that's about? Doc Where I just don't

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Speaker 1: care what people think about what I wear, like I

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Speaker 1: at all should I kid.

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Speaker 3: It's not part of your sense of identity, but you know,

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Speaker 3: there's probably some aspects that you care about. It might

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Speaker 3: not be your overall like outfit that you care about,

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Speaker 3: but it might be something about how you present yourself

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Speaker 3: to the world, any know, Like lipsticks obviously super super superficial,

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Speaker 3: but there's something for me or something about like I

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Speaker 3: don't have to have anything else put together my outfit,

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Speaker 3: my hair, but if I have lipstick and I feel

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Speaker 3: okay to present myself.

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Speaker 1: To it is so interesting because like it's my best

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Speaker 1: mate's kid. Shout out to Vincent and Laura, his daughter.

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Speaker 1: She's getting married on the weekend, and I've got a

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Speaker 1: drive to fucking forever away, but very gratefully and happy.

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Speaker 1: And I was just talking to Laura about five minutes ago,

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Speaker 1: who's getting married on Saturday, and I said, I've known

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Speaker 1: her since she was a baby. I've known all these

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Speaker 1: kids since she was a baby, and she's stayed at

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Speaker 1: my joint where I'm at right now multiple times. She

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Speaker 1: was like one of my surrogate daughters growing up. And

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Speaker 1: I go, I don't have to wear a suit, do I?

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Speaker 1: And she goes no, And I go jeans and shirt like,

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Speaker 1: which for me is formal. She goes no. I go,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean no? She goes, well, no blue jeans.

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Speaker 1: She goes, you can wear black jeans and a shirt.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, and I'm thinking, for me, ah, black jeans.

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Speaker 1: I don't have black jeans. Now, I've got to get

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Speaker 1: black jeans. That's like formal. It's like for that, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: it's a nightmare, mate. I think it's probably inherently just laziness.

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Speaker 3: Well, you've just worked out like how you want to live,

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Speaker 3: and that's completely fine, and that's but like in some

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Speaker 3: situations you might have to stretch your.

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Speaker 1: Up, do you know what? I think? To feel free

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Speaker 1: to disagree with this, But because I get up from

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Speaker 1: when I get out, Like if I get up at

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Speaker 1: quarter to six ish, which I do most days, I'm

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Speaker 1: at the cafe at quarter past six nearly every day,

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Speaker 1: I meet with somebody to help them a bit or

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Speaker 1: like an official or unofficial coaching session. If not, I'm writing,

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Speaker 1: I'm working, and I'm planning for the day's podcast or

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Speaker 1: the day's coaching sessions, or the day's PhD research or

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Speaker 1: writing or the gig of you know. It's like, there's

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Speaker 1: not a lot of time in my day where I'm

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Speaker 1: doing not much. Like my most downtime in the day

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Speaker 1: is going to the gym, talking shit, lifting a few weights,

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Speaker 1: sliding into the vortex, which is the crab. My training

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Speaker 1: partner's propensity. You can talk. It's funny like if you

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Speaker 1: don't know him, he's like a mute, he's like shy,

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Speaker 1: but once you know him, he does not shut up,

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Speaker 1: which we love him for that. Anyway, I digress, But

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Speaker 1: my long winded point is I just think of all

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Speaker 1: the things I need to invest energy and attention in.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to get up every day and wonder

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Speaker 1: about what I'm going to wear and waste time on that.

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Speaker 1: So I just go shorts, T shirt, runners, you know,

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Speaker 1: hoodie done boom.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. And I'm like that a lot of the time.

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Speaker 3: I mean, look, I actually wear pajamas more than any others.

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Speaker 1: Wo. I wish I had it rocked up with Johnny's

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Speaker 1: and Buddy.

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Speaker 3: I very easily could have. I know, it's like it's

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Speaker 3: like ten forty five in the morning, but I didn't

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Speaker 3: have any appointments this morning, so I mean I could

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Speaker 3: have very easily come in my pajamas and had no

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Speaker 3: issue with it at all. I remember once when I

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Speaker 3: had my first daughter, and you know how the maternal

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Speaker 3: well you might not know, but the maternal and child

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Speaker 3: health nurse comes to your house within the first week

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Speaker 3: to check on you. And I it was like two PM,

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Speaker 3: and I answered the door in my pajamas, and I

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Speaker 3: could see that she was worried about me. I'm like, no, no,

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Speaker 3: don't worry. I'm always this is not a sign that

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Speaker 3: you're not depressed.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not having postpartum. What is it

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Speaker 1: like thatsion is depression? Yeah? Yeah, I was good.

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Speaker 3: That's my happy place.

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Speaker 1: I think though maybe I think we spoke about this

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Speaker 1: a little bit before we went live. I think, because

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Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe this is subconscious, but because I

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Speaker 1: used to worry about what I looked like so much,

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Speaker 1: because I was so all about my body for a

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Speaker 1: long time and all about my appearance and what people

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Speaker 1: thought of me and you know whatever creating what I

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Speaker 1: thought at that time was the body that would I

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Speaker 1: don't know, for God's sake, harps. But anyway, I thought

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Speaker 1: people would like me more or be attracted to me,

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Speaker 1: or impressed by me or something. And so I think

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Speaker 1: I was so intertwined with what I looked like my identity,

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Speaker 1: in my sense of self and self worth and self esteem.

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Speaker 1: I embarrassingly now looking back, but it was what it was.

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Speaker 1: I got so much of that through how I looked

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Speaker 1: or how I thought I looked for others, and not

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Speaker 1: that I don't care how I look now, like I

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Speaker 1: want to be in good shock. But maybe it's a

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Speaker 1: pendulum swing from that.

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Speaker 3: Well, I think a lot of us grow up with

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Speaker 3: that in well, we all want kind of the sense

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Speaker 3: of belonging, right, we all want to belong. We all

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Speaker 3: want to be liked and loved and approved of, And

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Speaker 3: unfortunately there's this very high value that society places, not

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Speaker 3: just society necessarily, also it could be friends, family, and

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Speaker 3: other significant people in your life that they place on appearance.

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Speaker 3: So and when you're young, you internalize these messages. I

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Speaker 3: remember being you know, like I'm from any an Iranian background,

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Speaker 3: and I think there's probably people from lots of backgrounds

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Speaker 3: I can relate to this. But in Iran, like probably

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Speaker 3: the top three values in Iran are education, hospitality, and beauty. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's very high on the list, and so it's talked

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Speaker 3: about a lot. And if you don't measure up to

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Speaker 3: those high standards, or you think you don't, then you're

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Speaker 3: gonna it's gonna feel not quite right and you're gonna

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Speaker 3: start being maybe over focused on your appearance or over

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Speaker 3: focused on how you don't measure up. Either way, it

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Speaker 3: doesn't bode well for the future because it's it's really

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Speaker 3: not one of the most important things in life.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but it is. We do get mixed messages because

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Speaker 1: at the same time, you're right, we go, well, it's

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Speaker 1: you know, it's all about who you are, and it's

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Speaker 1: values and all that, which is true. I know I'm

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Speaker 1: saying that flippantly, but it's true. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: we do live in a world that rewards beauty.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, that's very So it's like.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know, if you are and even with kids,

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Speaker 1: we say to little girls and little boys, are you beautiful?

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Speaker 1: You are so gorgeous? Oh my god, look at you.

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Speaker 1: And look at you. You're so handsome in you and

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Speaker 1: everything's about how attractive they are.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it is. It's very true, and it's very hard

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Speaker 3: to protect against that.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I tried really hard with my children. Yes, to not

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Speaker 3: say those types of things is like the kind of

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Speaker 3: first thing or the regular thing.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yes, but you.

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Speaker 3: Can't control what other people say. Yeah, and that's what

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Speaker 3: you know, what we see is the kind of the

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Speaker 3: first thing that we kind of comment on often, and

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Speaker 3: that's how we.

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Speaker 1: Look and think about this. If all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: and this is this was part of the problem for

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Speaker 1: me because I went from being you know, this movedly

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Speaker 1: obese teenager to being a very fit, very lean a

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Speaker 1: teenager with a much better body than he had a

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Speaker 1: year ago. Then all of a sudden, you're getting accolades

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Speaker 1: and you're getting attention, and you're getting social approval, and

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Speaker 1: you're getting all of a sudden, you know, there were

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Speaker 1: you know, my chances of having a girlfriend when I

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Speaker 1: was fourteen were minus twenty six and then by the

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Speaker 1: time I was fifteen sixteen, it was not altogether zero.

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Speaker 1: You know, So get a little bit of confidence and

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Speaker 1: a tiny bit of social acceptance and status because now like,

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Speaker 1: and this is a horrible thing to say, but this

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Speaker 1: is how it felt to me. Now I'm not ugly,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting noticed, right, Yeah, And the truth is I

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Speaker 1: did all of a sudden my body changed, and this

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Speaker 1: is a terror. It was both a great but also

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Speaker 1: terrible experience. I'm more popular now. So you draw this

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Speaker 1: correlation between Oh, when I looked like that, I was

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Speaker 1: not that popular or noticed or accepted or approved. Now

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Speaker 1: I look like this, and this has owt come ergo.

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Speaker 1: You know, I don't know it was correlation or causation.

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Speaker 1: I think it was causation because now I'm like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: guess what if I look pretty good, I get all

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Speaker 1: these rewards. Imagine if I looked fucking amazing, and then

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Speaker 1: then imagine if I look like a freak, goddamn freak,

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Speaker 1: you know, And so for me, that just escalated. You're

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Speaker 1: always trying to get I think, well I was. I

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Speaker 1: think we're trying to resolve psychological and emotional issues with

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Speaker 1: a physical, you know, some kind of physical change, and

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Speaker 1: not that you not that I really understood that that age,

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Speaker 1: but that's kind of because acceptance and approval and love,

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Speaker 1: like you said, and connection and belonging. I mean, all

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Speaker 1: of those are internal drivers, and we think we're going

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Speaker 1: to meet those needs with bigger biceps or a prettier

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Speaker 1: face or you know, a leader body.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. I actually had a very similar experience to you.

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Speaker 3: Like I was the quintessential nerd in high school and younger.

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Speaker 3: So not just in the fact that I was like

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Speaker 3: a good student, but like I looked like it too,

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Speaker 3: Like I had a very large Diana Prince glasses. Do

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Speaker 3: you know Diana Princes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the alter

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Speaker 3: ego wonder Woman. I don't know if you ever watched

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Speaker 3: that show in the eighties, but she had gigantic glass.

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Speaker 1: Linda Carter Carter, Yeah, absolutely, I had a hard crush

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Speaker 1: on Linda. I look up Linda Carter because you're too young,

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Speaker 1: look up Linda Carter wonder Woman. Yeah it's fair. I

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Speaker 1: might have been madly in love with Linda Catter. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I had not out of my not out of my

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Speaker 1: leg at all.

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Speaker 3: No one's out of your league, Craig. I had those glasses,

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Speaker 3: I had braces. I was like I was. I was

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Speaker 3: very skinny. I just I didn't I had my features

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Speaker 3: were too big for my face. I had a very

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Speaker 3: like skinny face as well, and like just very flat hair.

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Speaker 3: I just did it. I mean I just was like,

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Speaker 3: if you looked up nerd in the dictionary, that's what

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Speaker 3: I look like. So when I had my kind of

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Speaker 3: I feel like change positive change in the like if

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Speaker 3: we're going to think of it as positive, which we

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Speaker 3: actually shouldn't, but how I kind of viewed it when

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Speaker 3: I was younger, around that seven sixteen seventeen age and

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Speaker 3: I and at seventeen, I actually went from high school

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Speaker 3: to university, so I had this way of completely reinventing myself. Right,

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Speaker 3: nobody knew me, I the nerdy girl from high school.

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Speaker 1: I was like, it's like a new chapter and you

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Speaker 1: could write whatever you want.

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Speaker 3: And also like I wasn't planning on like changing anything

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Speaker 3: necessarily about how I how I was in the world.

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Speaker 3: But what I noticed was what you noticed. It's like,

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Speaker 3: all of a sudden, all these people are coming at me, yeah,

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Speaker 3: and they're expressing things that I've never heard before, and

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Speaker 3: they're interested in me, and they like somebody asked me

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Speaker 3: out on the first day, and I was like, what

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Speaker 3: is actually happening? I don't understand. So it was just like, yeah, no,

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Speaker 3: it's powerful. It's powerful when you get that overt praise

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Speaker 3: for something like your appearance, because then you can get

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Speaker 3: really sucked into that being the important thing.

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Speaker 1: And then so what is I don't know if the

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Speaker 1: right question is what is the antidote or what is

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Speaker 1: the solution or what is the counterbalance? But I mean,

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Speaker 1: you know, like, and it's probably worse now. I think,

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Speaker 1: Like I look at the kids in the gym, like

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Speaker 1: where I train at four o'clock in the afternoon, it's

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Speaker 1: mostly teenagers, Like, it's mostly a few young girls Jamie,

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Speaker 1: my training partner's daughter, and a lot of young teenage boys.

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Speaker 1: Who are.

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Speaker 3: You know?

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Speaker 1: I think? And I was the same or worse, but

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Speaker 1: pretty obsessed. And it's on the one hand, you want

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Speaker 1: kids to be fit and strong and to exercise in

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Speaker 1: all of those things, which is great.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and you can't be.

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Speaker 1: Some old fuck going by the way. You know, what

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Speaker 1: you look like's not as important as whether or not

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Speaker 1: you're a good Yeah, they're like fuck off, Grandpa, Like

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, it's because they don't care.

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Speaker 1: Not that they don't care what I think. Of course

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Speaker 1: they shouldn't. They don't need to. But what I mean

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Speaker 1: is it's like, yeah, but I get socially rewarded for this,

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Speaker 1: and that's really important. Yeah, Like, the better I look,

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Speaker 1: the better life is for me on a level. And

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Speaker 1: that's a kind of an awkward truth and it shouldn't

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Speaker 1: be that way, and it's not that way for everybody.

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Speaker 1: But look at the you know, like what's happening on

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Speaker 1: social media. You look at a young attractive.

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Speaker 4: Female, Yeah, she will have lots of followers because she's

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Speaker 4: a young attractive female, not because she's got one hundred

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Speaker 4: and forty IQ or not because she's got necessarily some

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Speaker 4: amazing skill set.

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Speaker 1: She might have all of that, by the way, but

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Speaker 1: or if you're a young dude and you're jacked or

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Speaker 1: you know, it seems that things like whether or not

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Speaker 1: you're a good human, or whether or not you've got

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Speaker 1: great values, whether or not you're brilliant academic, or whether

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Speaker 1: or not you've got an incredible skill set doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: in some areas. It doesn't matter nearly as much if

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Speaker 1: we're being honest, as just what you look like and

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Speaker 1: what people think of what you look like.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, it's really complicated when, like you said,

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Speaker 3: everything around you was saying it's one of the most

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Speaker 3: important things.

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Speaker 1: Yes, what about you though? In growing up where you

355
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Speaker 1: grew up where you said, Like, it's funny because you

356
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Speaker 1: said one of the priorities in Iran was like beauty,

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Speaker 1: which I understand. I spoke to my mom the other

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Speaker 1: day and she said, what did you She's asked me

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Speaker 1: what I did? And I said, I just met with

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Speaker 1: someone this morning. And said, oh, and i'd met and

361
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Speaker 1: I'd had a coffee with you and said, oh, who's that?

362
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Speaker 1: And I said, oh, lady, who does my You know,

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Speaker 1: she's like this Iranian American psych she lives in a

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Speaker 1: She goes, Oh, my god, Iranian women are so beautiful.

365
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Speaker 1: That's my mum. I'm like, really, she goes, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: Iranian women amazing, Like there's this global reputation for yeah,

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Speaker 1: for that. And so when you said that one of

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Speaker 1: the values is beauty, it's like, yeah, I And of

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Speaker 1: course there's nothing wrong with being beautiful or handsome or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Of course it's great. But I guess it's about maybe

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Speaker 1: the relationship that we have with beauty what it meant.

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Speaker 3: I mean, when I was growing up, I resented it

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Speaker 3: because I didn't match that idea. So I didn't I

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Speaker 3: the focus on it. I didn't understand it because at

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Speaker 3: that age, I didn't understand that was a high value

376
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Speaker 3: of my culture. Like I didn't understand why that was

377
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Speaker 3: always the first thing people said to you. Yes, you

378
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:48,160
Speaker 3: know something about how you looked, or oh you lost

379
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,400
Speaker 3: weight or oh you gain weight, or oh this or that.

380
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Speaker 3: And I know that that's not just part of Iranian culture.

381
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Speaker 3: That's I hear this from so many you know, different

382
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Speaker 3: families and how people are grown up, Like it's literally

383
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Speaker 3: the first thing will people comment on. So I think

384
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Speaker 3: at a really early age, I had this kind of

385
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Speaker 3: sense of I don't think this is right. And so

386
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Speaker 3: when things changed for me in terms of appearance and

387
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Speaker 3: I was getting kind of more approval in that area,

388
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Speaker 3: I still had this sense of, like, this isn't the

389
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Speaker 3: most important thing because I'm not a different person like

390
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 3: on the inside. Yes, So I think Actually it took

391
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Speaker 3: me a while before I really realized even like why

392
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 3: my family and my family's friends behaved that way, because

393
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Speaker 3: I actually resented it for a long time, like I

394
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:55,119
Speaker 3: thought this so wrong for people to like think that

395
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Speaker 3: this is appropriate to make comments about me or anybody's

396
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Speaker 3: appearance or body, and then I actually saw a documentary

397
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Speaker 3: on it was about I think it was about plastic

398
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Speaker 3: surgery or something like that, and how there are certain

399
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:17,120
Speaker 3: places in the world where it's more prevalent, and one

400
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,560
Speaker 3: of them was Iran, and that the way that they

401
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:23,679
Speaker 3: viewed it was like with pride, you know, because and

402
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,879
Speaker 3: they like, like, you know, in some places, like you

403
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,960
Speaker 3: want to hide that you have work done, but in

404
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,800
Speaker 3: Iran it's like, no, you want to show that you've

405
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:36,320
Speaker 3: had it done, because like you're you're looking for this

406
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 3: kind of ideal, kind of perfection. And I was like, oh,

407
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Speaker 3: I didn't realize that that's how they viewed it, And

408
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 3: that's the understanding just helped me resent it less, not

409
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Speaker 3: as like a not overall like I still don't think

410
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Speaker 3: that that's a healthy way of being, but like resent

411
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Speaker 3: it from the people from that culture who were making

412
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Speaker 3: those comments, because that's where they came from, and that's

413
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Speaker 3: what they've internalized. That's that's where their belief systems came from.

414
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Speaker 3: But I think what's really important is to question all

415
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 3: of those internalized beliefs and things messages that you've grown

416
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,600
Speaker 3: up with as you get older, because what's really important

417
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:24,240
Speaker 3: is what we're actually wanting, which is underneath that, which

418
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:30,240
Speaker 3: is that belonging in that connection and that those positive

419
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Speaker 3: relationships with people. Yeah, that's what we're really wanting.

420
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Speaker 1: Yeah. It's like when we talk about goals, we talk

421
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,360
Speaker 1: about the what and the why. You go, well, what

422
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Speaker 1: I want is I want to be attractive, But what

423
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,479
Speaker 1: you really want is the why. Like, my reason to

424
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Speaker 1: be attractive is because I think that being attractive or

425
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,959
Speaker 1: losing weight or whatever, building muscle or whatever is a

426
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Speaker 1: conduit to the thing that I want, which is love. Connection,

427
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:06,320
Speaker 1: like approval, tension, approval, all of those things. So how

428
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Speaker 1: do we how do we like, does identity matter, like

429
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Speaker 1: we we the sense of self that I have or

430
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: you have that I think my identity I don't know,

431
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: like I care. I mean if I didn't say, if

432
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: I said I don't care about what people think of me,

433
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:29,760
Speaker 1: that would be a lie.

434
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:30,960
Speaker 3: I'm not.

435
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 1: I'm not obsessed with it. I'm not wildly insecure about

436
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:37,280
Speaker 1: it like I once was. Like I care, of course,

437
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,920
Speaker 1: of course, and I can still get my feelings hurt,

438
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:45,040
Speaker 1: and I can still get upset and all of those things.

439
00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:52,639
Speaker 1: But is it worth thinking about as us as individuals?

440
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:56,760
Speaker 1: Where our sense of self and identity comes from. Is

441
00:25:56,800 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: that is that? Is that a worthwhile kind of ecological

442
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 1: rabbit hole to go down?

443
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 3: For sure? I think we should we I think I

444
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 3: see a lot of people who come you know, as

445
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,960
Speaker 3: like I'm for listeners who don't know. I'm not sure

446
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,159
Speaker 3: if we said, but I'm a clinical psychologist, so I

447
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,840
Speaker 3: see people on an individual basis. A lot of people

448
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 3: come in with issues around self worth, right, A lot

449
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:25,800
Speaker 3: of people. And one of the things that we do

450
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 3: together that they may not have done at all before,

451
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,879
Speaker 3: or have maybe done it a little bit but not enough,

452
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 3: is really question where their values and beliefs come from, right,

453
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:44,720
Speaker 3: and whether they want to have those values and beliefs still, yes,

454
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:51,440
Speaker 3: because we grow up with you know, we're all brainwashed, right,

455
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:55,240
Speaker 3: and we're like, we grow up in a particular family,

456
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,239
Speaker 3: in a particular society, and we're not born with all

457
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 3: of these ideas. We learn them over time, and some

458
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 3: of those messages that we get are going to help

459
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 3: us develop a strong identity and a healthy identity and

460
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:19,600
Speaker 3: others may not. And what can happen as we just

461
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,600
Speaker 3: well as a children, we just internalize whatever ideas are

462
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:28,560
Speaker 3: significant others in part to us without question because we

463
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:32,000
Speaker 3: trust that that's what they're telling us and what they're

464
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 3: showing us is right. But we can go through life

465
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,240
Speaker 3: and never question that.

466
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,359
Speaker 1: Well, I think one of the interesting yeah, I agree

467
00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:44,399
Speaker 1: with all that. We talk about this a bit here,

468
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 1: like when you think about your current beliefs and then

469
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,879
Speaker 1: you think about when you chose them. Yeah, that's people go,

470
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,200
Speaker 1: what when did you choose that? When did you when

471
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,640
Speaker 1: did you decide that that was true for you? Well?

472
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 1: That was you know, that was the right belief And

473
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:07,919
Speaker 1: people like, well what, because we don't. We essentially just adopt,

474
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,840
Speaker 1: like you said, the people in our world that we

475
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:14,600
Speaker 1: listen to, that we respect that we're around, maybe even

476
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,680
Speaker 1: some of the people we don't fucking like, but we're

477
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:21,600
Speaker 1: around them. They tell me I'm shit, you're shit, You're worthless.

478
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,719
Speaker 1: You tell me that a thousand times, and I'm a child.

479
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: Well I believe it now because that's the messaging I'm getting.

480
00:28:29,359 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: And I never chose to have that belief. I just

481
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 1: have that belief as a byproduct, as a terrible byproduct

482
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,120
Speaker 1: of a horrible situation, or as you said, as you said,

483
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,840
Speaker 1: you know, some of them serve us and positively, and

484
00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:46,920
Speaker 1: some of them don't. But it's like, yeah, when do

485
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 1: we do It's almost like when do we do a

486
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 1: stock take on our own beliefs? When do we kind

487
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: of put them up on the metaphoric hoist like the

488
00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,160
Speaker 1: car and the garage and walk around that belief and

489
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: kick the tires and fucking lift up the hood and go,

490
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:05,480
Speaker 1: I don't know if this works for me, Like is

491
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: this actually? Do do I believe in this? And if

492
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:10,880
Speaker 1: I do, why do I believe it? Where did the

493
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:12,320
Speaker 1: belief come from?

494
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:12,920
Speaker 3: Yeah?

495
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,960
Speaker 1: Is there any chance that this belief could be bullshit?

496
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 3: Yeah? I think that you can do that at any

497
00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,840
Speaker 3: time in your life, Like it's never too late, but

498
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,479
Speaker 3: I think as early as possible. And maybe, and you know,

499
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 3: probably we should in the way that we raise our children.

500
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:37,200
Speaker 3: We should be asking questions rather than expecting our kids

501
00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,600
Speaker 3: to take on everything that we believe and everything that

502
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:48,400
Speaker 3: we value. We should be supporting like critical analysis, you know,

503
00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 3: from a very early age.

504
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,000
Speaker 1: So let me ask you, Like you spoke about self

505
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,360
Speaker 1: worth and then you spoke about belief, but the kicking

506
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 1: off point was identity. You can so identity, self worth

507
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,880
Speaker 1: and belief, how do they intersect? Like what is the

508
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: relationship between between those three things? So identity, self worth,

509
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:17,080
Speaker 1: and belief, Like maybe start with could you just define

510
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:21,400
Speaker 1: self worth? Like what is in just your terms? Is

511
00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,000
Speaker 1: that just how I see me?

512
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,240
Speaker 3: Yes, it's the belief that you have about yourself and

513
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:35,959
Speaker 3: the value that you have that is not dependent solely

514
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 3: on the approval of others. Rather for the beliefs of

515
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 3: others about you. One of the really interesting things that

516
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,560
Speaker 3: I've come across in terms of research and this is

517
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 3: and the reason I've come across it is because it

518
00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:58,880
Speaker 3: was done by one of my professors at Emory named

519
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,720
Speaker 3: doctor Marshall do Go, along with the colleague named Robin

520
00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 3: five Ish, and they did these they did these experiments

521
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 3: around storytelling. So what they actually found was the more

522
00:31:16,400 --> 00:31:23,840
Speaker 3: that families told stories about their history, not just their

523
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 3: own immediate history, but of generations before. The more that

524
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:36,720
Speaker 3: the children knew those stories and were able to even

525
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:43,440
Speaker 3: detail the stories themselves, the better their identity. The stronger

526
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:47,920
Speaker 3: their identity, the better their self esteem, the stronger their

527
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:55,920
Speaker 3: resilience was because they developed an identity that was more

528
00:31:56,040 --> 00:32:01,320
Speaker 3: than just about themselves and even just about their immediate family.

529
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 3: It was like this intergenerational identity.

530
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 1: Yes, wow, yes.

531
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:14,160
Speaker 3: So interesting and very robust results. So they came up

532
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:18,720
Speaker 3: with these kinds of questions that aren't actually that complicated,

533
00:32:18,840 --> 00:32:23,040
Speaker 3: like to start with, like do you know, for instance,

534
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,440
Speaker 3: where your mother was born? Do you know where your

535
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 3: father was born? Do you know how they met? Do

536
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 3: you know how your grandparents met? Do you know you

537
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 3: know what were some of the challenges that you know,

538
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 3: the people in your family experienced, you know, one, two,

539
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:44,000
Speaker 3: three generations ago, what were the outcomes of those what

540
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:48,000
Speaker 3: were their personality characteristics? And the more that they can

541
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:53,000
Speaker 3: that children can actually not only like know that information,

542
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:58,960
Speaker 3: but also relate themselves into it. So for instance, oh,

543
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 3: I'm like that characteristic of my grandfather that sounds a

544
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:06,280
Speaker 3: lot like me, or like that's something that I would

545
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 3: have done, or like what I think I would do

546
00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 3: in that situation. The more that they feel that connection

547
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 3: and that belonging that goes far, far deeper. Yeah, and

548
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 3: that really can create this really strong sense of identity

549
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:26,320
Speaker 3: that goes beyond you know, these superficial things that we

550
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 3: get inundated with by a social media society or even

551
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 3: sometimes within our immediate families.

552
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,400
Speaker 1: One of the I mean like it or not an

553
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,600
Speaker 1: inevitability of the human experiences that are. Other people are

554
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 1: going to think stuff about us, good stuff, bad stuff.

555
00:33:43,400 --> 00:33:46,320
Speaker 1: Other people are going to have opinions, just like we

556
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 1: have opinions. You know, you walk down the street, you

557
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,560
Speaker 1: see someone, doesn't mean you're a bad human, but you're

558
00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 1: always you already have an impression like our brains, our

559
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:59,320
Speaker 1: impression formation machines, you know, and it might just be

560
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,680
Speaker 1: trying to tech danger, or it might be curiosity. But

561
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: you know, we're always detecting and assuming and labeling and inferring,

562
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 1: and sometimes we're wildly right or wildly wrong. But knowing that,

563
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: I feel like some people move through the world worrying

564
00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:24,440
Speaker 1: about worrying about what other people think of them and not.

565
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:29,319
Speaker 1: Now let's talk about let's differentiate that between between that

566
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:34,600
Speaker 1: and my research, which is having an understanding of how

567
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:39,400
Speaker 1: people perceive and experience us, you know, with matter accuracy,

568
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 1: like being able to know what it's like to be

569
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:44,400
Speaker 1: around you, which is used the right way. It's a

570
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 1: social kind of superpower and a personal tool that we

571
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,360
Speaker 1: can use. Right. So there's that which is just knowledge

572
00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: and awareness which can be used positively. But at the

573
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:58,400
Speaker 1: other end of the scale, there's this worrying myself sick

574
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:02,239
Speaker 1: about what the I in the second office down the

575
00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:05,360
Speaker 1: corridor thinks of me, or my boss thinks of me

576
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:10,560
Speaker 1: or that whoever? Like, how do we because it's not

577
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:12,759
Speaker 1: like we want to move through life not giving a

578
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 1: fuck about anyone else. Yeah, because we want to be

579
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:17,279
Speaker 1: you know, all the things that we want to be

580
00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,839
Speaker 1: empathetic and kind and awareness and have a bigger than

581
00:35:19,880 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 1: us awareness and all those nice things which we do.

582
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,000
Speaker 1: But you don't want to spend life being worried about

583
00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,880
Speaker 1: what people think you, right, So can you speak to that?

584
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 3: Yeah? I love that topic because I think because I

585
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,960
Speaker 3: know that you know, you're the expert in self awareness.

586
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:38,879
Speaker 3: And is there such a thing as too much? Yes?

587
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:41,600
Speaker 3: Ken of you know, like there's a functional part, which

588
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,000
Speaker 3: is what you're talking about in researching How do people

589
00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 3: experience me in the room? What impact am I having

590
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:50,960
Speaker 3: on other people? Can I tell if it's you know,

591
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,160
Speaker 3: helpful or hindering me? And what can I do about it?

592
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:55,839
Speaker 1: Yeah?

593
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,600
Speaker 3: And then there's the dysfunctional self awareness which I see

594
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,120
Speaker 3: all the time. You know, when people come and see me,

595
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:08,080
Speaker 3: it's often related to how other how is I perceived?

596
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:14,000
Speaker 3: Worry about, rumination about and over analyzing about what was said,

597
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 3: how it was said, Did I make a mistake? Do

598
00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:19,479
Speaker 3: they still like me? Will they still will they still

599
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:21,600
Speaker 3: like me? Are they going to reject me? Are they

600
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:26,520
Speaker 3: going to abandon me? Pretty much anything that can be

601
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:29,879
Speaker 3: functional can be dysfunctional as well. So it's like, well,

602
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:36,320
Speaker 3: how do you know when it's going awry? And often

603
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 3: that's through I guess, really knowing what are your behaviors?

604
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:45,120
Speaker 3: You know, like if we're, for instance, we're overly relying

605
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:51,280
Speaker 3: on other people's approval and we're anxious and fearful about

606
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:54,640
Speaker 3: being judged or rejected or abandoned, that can lead to

607
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:59,239
Speaker 3: dysfunctional people pleasing behaviors for yeah, and those are things

608
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:02,800
Speaker 3: that you can like see and notice and monitor within yourself,

609
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:13,360
Speaker 3: like what are you actually doing? And is that helpful

610
00:37:13,680 --> 00:37:18,239
Speaker 3: or is that unhelpful? Is that healthy or is that unhealthy?

611
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 3: Is that functional or is that dysfunctional? And I think

612
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 3: one of the main, main, main things and the most

613
00:37:24,239 --> 00:37:26,440
Speaker 3: important thing in all of this is that can you

614
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:28,920
Speaker 3: evaluate all of this without judging yourself?

615
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:35,239
Speaker 1: I mean the problem, the problem or the challenge in

616
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 1: doing that is that you know, we because we're because

617
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:44,400
Speaker 1: it's us we're thinking about and talking about. It's completely subjective,

618
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:48,200
Speaker 1: you know, and it's trying, and we're always we're always

619
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:53,840
Speaker 1: interpreting what someone else is doing through our own lens out,

620
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:55,919
Speaker 1: so we don't know what their attention is. We don't

621
00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 1: know what that means, you know, sometimes we do. But

622
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:00,920
Speaker 1: like an example of this, so I don't want to

623
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:04,319
Speaker 1: throw her under the bus. But the other day, so

624
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:10,240
Speaker 1: I think it was on the weekend, I trained a

625
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:14,040
Speaker 1: young lady that I've helped a bit ash who who

626
00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,640
Speaker 1: was on the podcast, and she's lost seventy kilos and

627
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 1: she's gone from really unhealthy to really healthy, and she's

628
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,880
Speaker 1: changed her life and she feels and functions better and

629
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:28,680
Speaker 1: life better and all this suff right, And she was

630
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:30,640
Speaker 1: in the gym training and I took like a ten

631
00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 1: second video of her training, and I thought, my listeners

632
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:37,799
Speaker 1: will maybe be interested to see here's the girl that's

633
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: lost the seventy k's and you know, right, so I

634
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:42,640
Speaker 1: put up the video and it had twenty five thousand

635
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:47,640
Speaker 1: views in twenty four hours, right, So I wouldn't call that,

636
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:51,960
Speaker 1: you know, what do you call it viral? But it

637
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:56,359
Speaker 1: went pretty well, right, And All of the comments were good,

638
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,759
Speaker 1: except one person asked a question which I didn't think

639
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:02,839
Speaker 1: was negative. I think it was a genuine question, and

640
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:07,399
Speaker 1: Ash sent me a message because she'd thought that that

641
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:10,200
Speaker 1: person was being negative, and I'm like, it's so funny

642
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 1: because the overwhelming response was, oh my god, you're amazing.

643
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:20,800
Speaker 1: That's fucking great, well done, incredible, like it was all good,

644
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:24,960
Speaker 1: all love, all positive. Then one person asked a question

645
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:29,879
Speaker 1: which was really just a question, and then she sent

646
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,800
Speaker 1: me a message, Oh, what's with what's with the hate

647
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:37,320
Speaker 1: or something? And I go, what what? I'm like, dude,

648
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:40,600
Speaker 1: you know, but it's funny that. And I've done the

649
00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:43,799
Speaker 1: same thing. I've done gigs where I got overwhelmingly good

650
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: feedback and one person who didn't love me, but the majority,

651
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,760
Speaker 1: you know, it was somewhere between pretty good and really

652
00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:54,200
Speaker 1: really well received. And one person got their nose out

653
00:39:54,200 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 1: of joint because something I did or said or a

654
00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,759
Speaker 1: story and they came up and let me know. And

655
00:39:58,800 --> 00:40:01,680
Speaker 1: it was literally one out five hundred people, And all

656
00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:05,120
Speaker 1: I thought about was the one. Yeah, the four ninety

657
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: nine had no positive impact. It was all about the one.

658
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 1: And I drive home being angry and frustrated, and because

659
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:15,840
Speaker 1: one person didn't like me. What the fuck is that? Doctor?

660
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: What is that?

661
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:20,880
Speaker 3: Oh, there's so many things. I think it hurts.

662
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:26,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, but why do we care so much about the one?

663
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,439
Speaker 1: Why does that stranger that will never meet again? Why

664
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 1: do we allow them to have? You know, it's like

665
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,400
Speaker 1: when people, you know, when people go and people have

666
00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:38,480
Speaker 1: said this to me, they go, oh, you make me

667
00:40:38,719 --> 00:40:41,799
Speaker 1: feel like that, Like, why don't make you feel? That's

668
00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:45,320
Speaker 1: just how you feel? And what I said might have

669
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 1: been the you know, the starting off point. It might

670
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:52,720
Speaker 1: have been the stimulus. But the reason that I didn't

671
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,319
Speaker 1: make you is because I said it to a lot

672
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,600
Speaker 1: of other people and they didn't feel what you feel.

673
00:40:56,640 --> 00:41:00,360
Speaker 1: So you created that. But I've done that myself where

674
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:03,680
Speaker 1: I get myself into a tease and it's it's definitely me,

675
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 1: that's the problem.

676
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 3: Well, we are, I mean, our brains are kind of

677
00:41:07,080 --> 00:41:15,840
Speaker 3: primed to notice the negative, the unsafe. Yeah, so that's

678
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:19,520
Speaker 3: I guess we have that vulnerability already just being human

679
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 3: that we're looking for threats in the environment. And I

680
00:41:23,520 --> 00:41:30,640
Speaker 3: guess you know, we're not facing a lot of major

681
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 3: threats to our livelihood, you know, in terms of life

682
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:37,640
Speaker 3: and death, but so the threats are more like too

683
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:43,120
Speaker 3: belonging to connection, to approval and that so it sticks out,

684
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:46,799
Speaker 3: sticks out, and it's almost like you have to train

685
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:50,160
Speaker 3: your brain. It is actually not almost like it is

686
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:54,359
Speaker 3: like you have to train your brain to notice and

687
00:41:54,440 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 3: appreciate and elevate the good things in life, the positive messages,

688
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:08,719
Speaker 3: the healthy, the healthy things, the things to be grateful for.

689
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, Tiffany and Cook, I've got a question for you

690
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:17,840
Speaker 1: in this steady on, steady on, old horses, hold your horses.

691
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:21,399
Speaker 1: Like we've spoken a bit about this, because you've been

692
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 1: without opening the door wide. It's just opened a little

693
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,239
Speaker 1: crack where you've been let down and hurt and mistreated

694
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 1: and a whole lot of shit by people, as have

695
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: many people. But we're talking about you. What when it

696
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:37,080
Speaker 1: comes down to you. But also you've had a bit

697
00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: of a spiritual revolution and revelation lately, and you've kind of,

698
00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:46,239
Speaker 1: you know, and we've spoken about this, you've energetically and

699
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:49,600
Speaker 1: perhaps spiritually and emotionally and psychologically turned a bit of

700
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 1: a corner. Blah blah blah all of that, which I

701
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,799
Speaker 1: do mean to say that flippantly, but that's where you're at.

702
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 1: So my question to you, and maybe to you also literally,

703
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:04,000
Speaker 1: and is what what's your criteria for trust, like with

704
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 1: people that you like?

705
00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 2: You know?

706
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:10,399
Speaker 1: It's like my metaphor is like I know a lot

707
00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 1: of people, but I don't trust a lot of people.

708
00:43:13,760 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 1: Now that doesn't mean I distrust the majority. It just

709
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,600
Speaker 1: means like, for me to truly trust someone, it takes

710
00:43:20,640 --> 00:43:23,720
Speaker 1: a bit because I've had and there's no self pity

711
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:25,560
Speaker 1: in here, because I'm just one of many. But I've

712
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,960
Speaker 1: had a lot of people fuck me over a lot

713
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:31,520
Speaker 1: and backstab and bitch and do some horrible shit, people

714
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:34,719
Speaker 1: that I really loved and trusted and valued. So for

715
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:38,640
Speaker 1: me to actually really trust, it's not a quick process.

716
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,880
Speaker 1: What about you? What about let's start with you, Tiff.

717
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:46,920
Speaker 2: Oh, that's a really good question. And I feel like.

718
00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,040
Speaker 1: I'll remind the viewers that Tiff is the girl who

719
00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 1: wears the baseball cap that says give us a hug

720
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:54,879
Speaker 1: and the T shirt that says fuck off.

721
00:43:54,880 --> 00:44:00,520
Speaker 2: Though I think that I think I'm still in the

722
00:44:00,520 --> 00:44:05,840
Speaker 2: middle of an enormous amount of processing of that shift

723
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 2: that I experienced recently. I'm still in the middle of

724
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 2: that and in the middle of that. So in this

725
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 2: whole conversation. I've been listening and thinking and processing and

726
00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:19,640
Speaker 2: of everything you've been saying that relates to kind of this.

727
00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:24,279
Speaker 2: But I feel like maybe right now I'm learning to

728
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:32,279
Speaker 2: observe who I am around people, and because it's a

729
00:44:32,320 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 2: me thing, like I identified a long time ago, trust

730
00:44:34,560 --> 00:44:37,120
Speaker 2: was a me thing, not a them thing, my ability

731
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:41,279
Speaker 2: to feel safe in the world. And so I think

732
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 2: that's what I watch now. I watch who I am

733
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:48,279
Speaker 2: and how I am and how I feel, and then

734
00:44:48,680 --> 00:44:50,840
Speaker 2: I go from there. I said to one of the

735
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:54,319
Speaker 2: clients in my coaching group this week. I was having

736
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 2: a one on one chat with her, and I said

737
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:02,719
Speaker 2: that I was I am so extremely grateful for you,

738
00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:06,520
Speaker 2: because I feel like now I've popped out the other

739
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:11,560
Speaker 2: side of a long, funky, weird time that I didn't

740
00:45:11,560 --> 00:45:14,240
Speaker 2: know I was in the middle of. Where I feel

741
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:17,920
Speaker 2: like my perception is, you must have fucking had a

742
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 2: shitty version of me that you would have been experiencing

743
00:45:21,320 --> 00:45:23,400
Speaker 2: a lot of the time, and you obviously could see it,

744
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:27,440
Speaker 2: and for some reason that I will never understand, you

745
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 2: just stood by and like you knew, and I was like,

746
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:37,880
Speaker 2: I don't know how you knew, but I needed someone

747
00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:43,239
Speaker 2: to do that and like, wow, so thanks, but yeah,

748
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:47,120
Speaker 2: I'm still processing how I how that's all coming together

749
00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:48,360
Speaker 2: for me? So good question.

750
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:53,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, I see, I mean, but it's interesting, like I

751
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:57,319
Speaker 1: see in you. I see there's a few people in

752
00:45:57,360 --> 00:46:01,319
Speaker 1: my life that have struggled with stuff. I'll give her

753
00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 1: a shout out because I never do. Another lady that

754
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:09,440
Speaker 1: her name is Fi, who you know, who's who's you

755
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 1: know had challenges and struggles with things. And but I

756
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:20,480
Speaker 1: see potential and I see possibility and I see like

757
00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:24,040
Speaker 1: real but under the because we've all got days where

758
00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:27,560
Speaker 1: we're not our best selves, right, and I'm the same.

759
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,600
Speaker 1: Some days I get to the end of the day

760
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:31,719
Speaker 1: and I'm like, excuse my language, doc, I can say

761
00:46:31,719 --> 00:46:33,720
Speaker 1: it in front tip, but I was a count today,

762
00:46:34,320 --> 00:46:36,960
Speaker 1: not all day. But I'm like, I'm better than that.

763
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:40,680
Speaker 1: But you know, I see in her, I see in you.

764
00:46:40,800 --> 00:46:44,719
Speaker 1: I see in people the potential and the good. And

765
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:47,520
Speaker 1: I also sometimes I'll meet people where I'm like, there's

766
00:46:47,520 --> 00:46:49,359
Speaker 1: a whole lot of darkness going on there. I don't

767
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,600
Speaker 1: really want to get involved, you know.

768
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:54,719
Speaker 3: But and I think my question, how did you?

769
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:55,360
Speaker 2: How did you?

770
00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:59,399
Speaker 1: I don't know I because I think this sounds weird, right,

771
00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:05,120
Speaker 1: and this is this is very unscientific, but science plays.

772
00:47:05,440 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 1: Science is good with some things, but not everything right.

773
00:47:08,600 --> 00:47:15,400
Speaker 1: And I intuitively instinctively know things about people that I

774
00:47:15,480 --> 00:47:17,799
Speaker 1: can't explain, and I don't always get it right, but

775
00:47:17,840 --> 00:47:19,880
Speaker 1: I often get it right. And I think part of

776
00:47:19,880 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: that is, like I feel like I've said this before

777
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:26,600
Speaker 1: and it sounds weird, but I feel like we have

778
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,399
Speaker 1: an access to a kind of intelligence that we didn't

779
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:32,400
Speaker 1: really earn or deserve. And I don't know where it

780
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,120
Speaker 1: comes from, whether or not it's a subconscious wisdom or

781
00:47:35,120 --> 00:47:38,359
Speaker 1: some kind of fucking divine insight or I don't know,

782
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,640
Speaker 1: but there has been many times, and I could give

783
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:44,960
Speaker 1: I could give at least a hundred examples of times

784
00:47:44,960 --> 00:47:49,400
Speaker 1: in my life where I've known something that really protected

785
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:51,960
Speaker 1: me or really saved me, and nobody taught me. I

786
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:55,200
Speaker 1: never learned it. It wasn't as a result of another

787
00:47:55,280 --> 00:47:58,600
Speaker 1: experience I had, you know. And I just think that

788
00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:01,560
Speaker 1: I think, like I I have an innate sense with

789
00:48:01,640 --> 00:48:04,080
Speaker 1: a lot of people about whether or not they are

790
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:07,480
Speaker 1: This sounds bad, but whether not investing time and energy

791
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:10,600
Speaker 1: in them is a good investment. And I don't mean

792
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:14,399
Speaker 1: as a potential return on investment. I just mean they're

793
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:17,000
Speaker 1: worth it. You know. I had a guy last week.

794
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:18,640
Speaker 1: I won't say his name because I don't want to

795
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:23,280
Speaker 1: embarrass him. He's in my mentoring group that just finished

796
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:26,759
Speaker 1: and he had his one on one mentoring session with me,

797
00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:29,239
Speaker 1: and there was just unfinished business and it's just like

798
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,480
Speaker 1: I didn't want to just go see you. So anyway,

799
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:36,520
Speaker 1: I made an arrangement with him, and he really needs

800
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:39,800
Speaker 1: help and I really don't have the time. My days

801
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:45,560
Speaker 1: are mental and I just went fuck it, and so

802
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:48,640
Speaker 1: I made four appointments for the next four weeks with him.

803
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:50,879
Speaker 1: And I don't say this to sound good or bad.

804
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:53,520
Speaker 1: I say it just because it's relevant to this. You know,

805
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,400
Speaker 1: no cost know anything, and I can't do this, you know,

806
00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:59,680
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, but for everyone, of course, and he's like,

807
00:48:59,719 --> 00:49:02,480
Speaker 1: why are you doing this? Like he was crying, and

808
00:49:02,480 --> 00:49:04,000
Speaker 1: he goes, why are you doing this? I go, do

809
00:49:04,080 --> 00:49:05,839
Speaker 1: you need help? And he goes yes. I go, well,

810
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:08,879
Speaker 1: that's why that's it. I got to you know, it's

811
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:13,160
Speaker 1: like it's it doesn't and I think that I'm banging on,

812
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 1: but I think, you know, and sometimes I'm selfish, but

813
00:49:16,239 --> 00:49:18,799
Speaker 1: I think you know when we talk about that that

814
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 1: model that I've spoken about that starts with self reflection

815
00:49:21,719 --> 00:49:24,400
Speaker 1: and it's self awareness and then goes through self regulation

816
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:28,880
Speaker 1: and then self actualization and it ends up at self transcendence,

817
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:32,680
Speaker 1: which for me is like that intersection of purpose and

818
00:49:32,719 --> 00:49:38,560
Speaker 1: spirituality and fulfillment and you know where because I know

819
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:41,320
Speaker 1: when I am all about me, which is very easy

820
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:43,840
Speaker 1: because I'm an only child, and I can be selfish,

821
00:49:44,120 --> 00:49:47,120
Speaker 1: but I unequivocally have data that tells me the more

822
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 1: selfish I am, the worse my life is, and the

823
00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,239
Speaker 1: more generous I am to a point, you know, you

824
00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:56,160
Speaker 1: can't be all things to all people, but the better

825
00:49:56,200 --> 00:50:00,719
Speaker 1: that my life goes. So what, I don't know how

826
00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: the fuck we got there? What about you? Don What

827
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:06,440
Speaker 1: about you? And trust? And you opening? Because I feel

828
00:50:06,480 --> 00:50:08,000
Speaker 1: like I shouldn't say this, but I'm going to say

829
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:10,920
Speaker 1: it because I'm in a fucking roll. I feel like

830
00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:14,200
Speaker 1: you are quite reserved. I don't know how often you

831
00:50:14,400 --> 00:50:17,080
Speaker 1: open the door, like even with me, and we've had

832
00:50:17,120 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 1: a few copies and it's like we get on. Well,

833
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:22,279
Speaker 1: there's no problem. Like I like you, I think you

834
00:50:22,440 --> 00:50:27,080
Speaker 1: like me. We have a good connection. But I feel like, yeah,

835
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:29,560
Speaker 1: I don't think the door's been open opened. You know,

836
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:32,720
Speaker 1: it's been opened a bit. But I feel like with you,

837
00:50:32,719 --> 00:50:36,200
Speaker 1: you're you're there's not This is going to sound wrong

838
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:38,840
Speaker 1: because it's not in an insincere way, you know, person

839
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:44,080
Speaker 1: and persona. I think there's there's the professional public you,

840
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:47,279
Speaker 1: and sometimes I just want to mess up your hair

841
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:50,279
Speaker 1: and pull back the Lilian curtains. See what, I just

842
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:52,600
Speaker 1: want to mess up you wipe off your lipstick and

843
00:50:52,600 --> 00:50:53,960
Speaker 1: pull back the Liian curtain.

844
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:58,800
Speaker 3: Oh look, I don't I completely agree with that assessment,

845
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:01,040
Speaker 3: but I completely under stand why you said.

846
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:02,360
Speaker 1: Yes.

847
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:09,600
Speaker 3: I don't think I'm a different person professionally and personally. However,

848
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 3: I do think that there's a professional stance, yes, right

849
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:17,120
Speaker 3: with clients.

850
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:20,239
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're a clinical psychologist, so you can't get on

851
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:22,760
Speaker 1: here a dickhead light, Tiff and I well, yeah.

852
00:51:22,640 --> 00:51:26,920
Speaker 3: Okay, so yes, so there is some of that, but

853
00:51:27,080 --> 00:51:30,759
Speaker 3: you're right now, I am in a personal way, I

854
00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:36,680
Speaker 3: am more reserved, so I don't I'm not an oversharer.

855
00:51:38,440 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 3: I won't tell you everything up front.

856
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:44,120
Speaker 1: The opposite of the opposite of me yet.

857
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:52,440
Speaker 3: Well, maybe yes, it's possible, Yeah you possibly, Yeah, you're

858
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 3: definitely more open than me. Yeah, I think trust is

859
00:51:56,800 --> 00:52:00,440
Speaker 3: a thing. Yeah, I've had, Yeah, I've had people in

860
00:52:00,440 --> 00:52:03,520
Speaker 3: my life and I'm not going to say major events necessarily,

861
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:10,680
Speaker 3: not like super super significant, but like if you tell

862
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:16,360
Speaker 3: everybody everything and they're not trustworthy and then they take

863
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:20,560
Speaker 3: that and they do something that you're not expecting or

864
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:25,600
Speaker 3: is hurtful or is you know, just you know, like

865
00:52:25,760 --> 00:52:28,879
Speaker 3: when you've been fucked over by somebody, and it can

866
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:33,400
Speaker 3: be really small. But for me, because I'm like, if

867
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:36,680
Speaker 3: someone tells me something, I'm a vault Like that's my

868
00:52:36,800 --> 00:52:39,520
Speaker 3: job too, write like, but like it's not going anywhere,

869
00:52:40,120 --> 00:52:43,440
Speaker 3: like you can trust, Like the trust being trustworthy is

870
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:47,520
Speaker 3: like part of my identity. Yes, so it's hard for

871
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:52,480
Speaker 3: me to understand sometimes when other people aren't like that.

872
00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:56,920
Speaker 3: And so I don't have that expectation for people to

873
00:52:56,960 --> 00:53:00,600
Speaker 3: be as good at it as I am. But therefore

874
00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:03,319
Speaker 3: they're not going to get as much until I do

875
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:06,920
Speaker 3: have that expectation, like until I know that they are yes, yes,

876
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,080
Speaker 3: And honestly, there's probably not a lot of people that

877
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:15,360
Speaker 3: are mmmm. So you know, I'm probably like on the

878
00:53:15,440 --> 00:53:19,760
Speaker 3: vulnerability scale, like not super high. I'm not Brene Brown

879
00:53:20,840 --> 00:53:24,000
Speaker 3: but I related to or you, but I related to

880
00:53:24,760 --> 00:53:27,920
Speaker 3: what she said about vulnerability, and I agree that you

881
00:53:28,280 --> 00:53:32,680
Speaker 3: that it's important. I obviously every person that comes to

882
00:53:32,719 --> 00:53:36,799
Speaker 3: see me has shown vulnerability, right, yes, And so that's

883
00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:43,719
Speaker 3: why I actually respect everyone that comes to see me

884
00:53:43,840 --> 00:53:47,000
Speaker 3: so much, because I know the courage it takes.

885
00:53:47,360 --> 00:53:50,000
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, you're being vulnerable right now. You're being

886
00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,719
Speaker 1: vulnerable right now because you're talking about how you are

887
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:57,200
Speaker 1: and you're talking to thousands of people. So yeah, you know, toof,

888
00:53:57,239 --> 00:54:00,720
Speaker 1: I was just thinking something. Then identify can articulate this properly,

889
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:04,719
Speaker 1: But I was thinking there were times like do you

890
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:08,720
Speaker 1: remember when you first started kind of you got on board,

891
00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:15,360
Speaker 1: you know, working consistently with me as a paid gig

892
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:18,319
Speaker 1: working on Obviously you got your own business and your

893
00:54:18,360 --> 00:54:20,480
Speaker 1: own show and all that, but you started working with me,

894
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:25,319
Speaker 1: and then I needed a certain commitment from you. And

895
00:54:25,400 --> 00:54:27,600
Speaker 1: remember it freaked you out because you're a little bit

896
00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:30,200
Speaker 1: commitment phobic. And there was a period like there was

897
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:33,680
Speaker 1: a honeymoon period and then you felt a bit like

898
00:54:33,719 --> 00:54:36,960
Speaker 1: there was it got a bit messy for a while, right,

899
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:39,440
Speaker 1: and then we had a talk and it's like you

900
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:42,640
Speaker 1: were I don't know, there was a few lumps and

901
00:54:42,719 --> 00:54:46,280
Speaker 1: bumps and it all sorted out. But then over time

902
00:54:47,440 --> 00:54:50,560
Speaker 1: it's like you and I almost have had this almost

903
00:54:50,600 --> 00:54:55,640
Speaker 1: like dad daughter relationship, right despite what other people think, Hey,

904
00:54:55,640 --> 00:55:01,640
Speaker 1: everyone never been anything right, no right, despite all the

905
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:03,279
Speaker 1: people that go, are you and if I go, no,

906
00:55:03,440 --> 00:55:07,439
Speaker 1: never have been and no disrespect to TIF, never will

907
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:11,120
Speaker 1: be all good? Right, more like dad and daughter that

908
00:55:11,320 --> 00:55:15,240
Speaker 1: don't get on sometimes. Right. But I think I think

909
00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:19,920
Speaker 1: sometimes what you did was because I think you couldn't

910
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:23,520
Speaker 1: believe that I was just there for you and I

911
00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:27,759
Speaker 1: just cared about you with no agenda, and so you

912
00:55:27,800 --> 00:55:31,919
Speaker 1: would push back to test it. And I could see

913
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:36,720
Speaker 1: when you're being like a momentary spoilt brat. You weren't really,

914
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:40,160
Speaker 1: but you're like you're being at times a little bit

915
00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:42,520
Speaker 1: of hard work, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

916
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:44,560
Speaker 1: You can throw your fucking toys out of the cot.

917
00:55:44,680 --> 00:55:47,920
Speaker 1: I'm not going anywhere. Yep, I'm still Yep. You're shitting

918
00:55:47,920 --> 00:55:50,080
Speaker 1: me today. You're a pain in the ass for ten minutes,

919
00:55:50,120 --> 00:55:52,879
Speaker 1: but I'm still going to be here and you can

920
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,840
Speaker 1: try to fuck it up and you can test me

921
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:57,560
Speaker 1: and see if I'm like all the other fucking men

922
00:55:57,600 --> 00:56:00,239
Speaker 1: that have let you down. I'm just going to be here.

923
00:56:00,239 --> 00:56:01,920
Speaker 1: And by the way, I don't want anything. I don't

924
00:56:01,920 --> 00:56:03,680
Speaker 1: want your money, don't want your body, don't want to

925
00:56:03,680 --> 00:56:06,359
Speaker 1: get in your pants. It's all good, you know. And

926
00:56:06,400 --> 00:56:09,279
Speaker 1: that I think because other than your dad, I don't

927
00:56:09,320 --> 00:56:12,279
Speaker 1: know that you ever had or maybe your uncle as well,

928
00:56:12,280 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 1: that you get on well with, but too many men

929
00:56:14,560 --> 00:56:17,439
Speaker 1: that just didn't want anything from you in that way.

930
00:56:17,960 --> 00:56:21,160
Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And this is a huge shift that

931
00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:26,640
Speaker 2: I had in India that I resolved and feel different from.

932
00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:31,799
Speaker 2: And that was identifying and verbalizing that I didn't have

933
00:56:31,880 --> 00:56:34,720
Speaker 2: the ability to keep myself safe. So the trust stuff

934
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:37,000
Speaker 2: was down to me. I can't be trusted. I'd a

935
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,319
Speaker 2: mate that used to always so you'd be all right,

936
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:41,279
Speaker 2: you just punch anyone in the face, And I'm like,

937
00:56:41,320 --> 00:56:45,080
Speaker 2: you don't get trauma, you don't get dissociation, you don't

938
00:56:45,120 --> 00:56:49,480
Speaker 2: get it because that's not what happens. So I knew

939
00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:56,120
Speaker 2: that there'd been several experiences in my life where strong, independent,

940
00:56:56,239 --> 00:57:02,200
Speaker 2: courageous tiff gets overtaken by whatever happens when you have

941
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:08,280
Speaker 2: a dissociated type experience and lets things happen and then

942
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,960
Speaker 2: so I think there was that. That's that's why the

943
00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:13,680
Speaker 2: wall is there. It's like, well, I can't keep myself

944
00:57:13,719 --> 00:57:16,479
Speaker 2: safe because well, Craig's paying him now, and no one,

945
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,840
Speaker 2: no one gives anything without taking things I don't want

946
00:57:19,880 --> 00:57:23,560
Speaker 2: to give. No one ever does that ever. So if

947
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:26,600
Speaker 2: he's now paying me, so our first issues arose for me.

948
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:33,160
Speaker 2: It's really, you know, like on a subconscious level, when

949
00:57:33,160 --> 00:57:35,720
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, you're a part of the team.

950
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:38,400
Speaker 2: We're going to give you money. You're not just giving

951
00:57:38,480 --> 00:57:42,560
Speaker 2: service and leaning on me for mentoring. You're a part

952
00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:44,640
Speaker 2: of the team. There's an exchange. I was like, oh,

953
00:57:44,680 --> 00:57:46,840
Speaker 2: I'm a commodity. He's buying me. What does he want?

954
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,160
Speaker 2: He gets to take whatever he wants.

955
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:54,000
Speaker 1: Now, Wow, Yeah, that's really I think you need to

956
00:57:54,080 --> 00:58:00,000
Speaker 1: chime in, Doc. We definitely need some kind of therapy,

957
00:58:00,600 --> 00:58:01,240
Speaker 1: quick help.

958
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,880
Speaker 3: I think you guys to beautifully.

959
00:58:05,480 --> 00:58:11,000
Speaker 2: I described to you on another conversation about after letting

960
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:14,600
Speaker 2: go of some of those things on the mountain in rituals,

961
00:58:14,720 --> 00:58:17,520
Speaker 2: after doing the work in India, and then I landed

962
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:20,440
Speaker 2: in Delhi and I had twenty four hours there and

963
00:58:20,800 --> 00:58:24,000
Speaker 2: long store long, funny story short, I agreed to go

964
00:58:24,080 --> 00:58:26,600
Speaker 2: to dinner with a guy from India who was staying

965
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:29,439
Speaker 2: at the hotel, and I would never do that because

966
00:58:29,520 --> 00:58:32,760
Speaker 2: a Delhi's not safe and I'm alone, My friends weren't

967
00:58:32,800 --> 00:58:34,560
Speaker 2: there yet, no one knew where I was. And I

968
00:58:34,600 --> 00:58:39,840
Speaker 2: was like, and I felt different because I could feel

969
00:58:40,440 --> 00:58:42,400
Speaker 2: that I wasn't that same person and I knew that

970
00:58:42,440 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 2: I was in control of the situation and I wasn't

971
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:48,200
Speaker 2: going to slip into the seven year old that just

972
00:58:48,320 --> 00:58:51,480
Speaker 2: pretends something's not happening or allows things. I felt very

973
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:55,880
Speaker 2: different in the experience. So you know what, eventually, when

974
00:58:55,920 --> 00:58:58,320
Speaker 2: you have awareness on this stuff and you bring it

975
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:00,400
Speaker 2: to the surface and you work on things and you

976
00:59:00,520 --> 00:59:03,200
Speaker 2: lean in, it changes. And that I felt like was

977
00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:08,440
Speaker 2: a really profound experience and opportunity to happen so quickly

978
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:11,280
Speaker 2: to come up and go, oh, I have changed. I

979
00:59:11,280 --> 00:59:13,320
Speaker 2: am safe in the world. I don't need to be

980
00:59:13,400 --> 00:59:16,240
Speaker 2: the fighter that you know, like, I don't need that.

981
00:59:16,360 --> 00:59:19,160
Speaker 2: I think that's why I've been the boxer, the fighter

982
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:22,640
Speaker 2: like I've got guns and I'll fucking knock you out.

983
00:59:22,680 --> 00:59:27,120
Speaker 2: And I'm not an attractive female that's feminine because I

984
00:59:27,120 --> 00:59:28,280
Speaker 2: don't want you to come close to me.

985
00:59:30,760 --> 00:59:34,880
Speaker 1: Wow. Wow, We could do this for another two hours,

986
00:59:35,160 --> 00:59:40,200
Speaker 1: but we can't. But that's definitely we're going to revisit that, Lilian,

987
00:59:40,960 --> 00:59:43,280
Speaker 1: how do people find you and connect with you and

988
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:47,800
Speaker 1: come and be therapized by you? If per chance you have.

989
00:59:47,760 --> 00:59:51,880
Speaker 3: An opening, Doctor lillianneja dot com is a good place

990
00:59:52,120 --> 00:59:56,760
Speaker 3: to start. You can find me there. And some of

991
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:58,480
Speaker 3: the programs that I have, whether you want to see

992
00:59:58,480 --> 01:00:04,320
Speaker 3: me a person or online through self help means, those

993
01:00:04,320 --> 01:00:07,240
Speaker 3: are the those are the two. Thanks.

994
01:00:08,160 --> 01:00:11,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have this awareness when I'm around you of

995
01:00:11,800 --> 01:00:15,600
Speaker 1: how lilting and beautiful your voices and how mine is

996
01:00:15,760 --> 01:00:21,920
Speaker 1: like fucking fingernails on a blackboard. Do you think you

997
01:00:22,000 --> 01:00:24,520
Speaker 1: have that sense? Not utif, but do you? It's like

998
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: it's so like hypnotic.

999
01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:28,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's calming.

1000
01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:33,720
Speaker 3: Thank you. I actually I was just asked to do

1001
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:38,320
Speaker 3: like a voiceover for a big event. I've never done

1002
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:41,120
Speaker 3: that before, and I was cringing. I was at the event,

1003
01:00:41,160 --> 01:00:44,240
Speaker 3: so I was cringing the whole time because nobody likes

1004
01:00:44,240 --> 01:00:48,760
Speaker 3: to hear their their own voice except christ But yeah, no,

1005
01:00:48,840 --> 01:00:50,920
Speaker 3: it was really it was nice to be asked, and

1006
01:00:53,480 --> 01:00:57,720
Speaker 3: I appreciate the compliment. And if people like my voice,

1007
01:00:57,760 --> 01:01:00,040
Speaker 3: I do have a lot of mindfulness and relaxation and

1008
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:03,600
Speaker 3: exercises I've recorded that you can find on Spotify if

1009
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:06,280
Speaker 3: you like. If you want to learn some stress management

1010
01:01:06,720 --> 01:01:10,640
Speaker 3: techniques or learn how to do mindfulness practically, you can

1011
01:01:10,680 --> 01:01:12,760
Speaker 3: listen to my voice as much as you want.

1012
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:17,880
Speaker 1: Perfect All right, well say goodbye here, but for now, Doc,

1013
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:20,080
Speaker 1: thank you to fulso thank you, yes

1014
01:01:20,200 --> 01:01:22,400
Speaker 3: Thank you very much, both of you for having me.