WEBVTT - An Epiphany About My Relationship (ft. Abbie Chatfield) 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:02.719 High Scrollers is produced on gadigul Land. 0:00:02.920 --> 0:00:05.280 We pay our respects to the traditional custodians of this 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:07.320 country and Elder's past and present. 0:00:07.360 --> 0:00:10.280 Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. 0:00:13.560 --> 0:00:16.520 Well, Abby Chatfield, welcome to Close Friends. This is We're 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:18.720 gonna get to know you a little bit more, get 0:00:18.720 --> 0:00:21.520 a bit more personal. This is where close Friends. Obviously 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:25.560 sticking with the social media theme, we just we just 0:00:25.640 --> 0:00:27.400 relax a little bit more. It's not so much like 0:00:27.560 --> 0:00:30.440 what's been happening on the internet. It's like we just 0:00:30.560 --> 0:00:33.400 relaxed and just have a chat. And again it's anything 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:35.120 goes here. But I have something that I want to 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:38.760 talk to you about because there's a video that you 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:41.639 posted quite a while ago when was this and. 0:00:41.600 --> 0:00:43.920 I feel it's really problematic and I'm going to bring 0:00:44.040 --> 0:00:44.680 up confront you. 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:49.240 Well, oh, actually remind me to remind me to talk 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:53.120 to you about something that because when I was researching 0:00:53.159 --> 0:00:55.720 for this episode, I was looking for videos that you've posted, 0:00:55.760 --> 0:00:57.960 and I also was like, you know, looking at things. 0:00:58.000 --> 0:00:59.360 I was like, I want to go back and oh 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:01.560 my goodness, there's so many from like your when it's 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:03.400 a lot was like just in its first little baby 0:01:03.400 --> 0:01:05.920 step there's some old videos where I kind of wanted 0:01:05.959 --> 0:01:07.360 to quiz you on like some of the things you 0:01:07.880 --> 0:01:10.400 were saying. You sure, there'd be like do you still 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:12.080 stand by this? What do you feel about it now? 0:01:12.120 --> 0:01:14.320 Like blah blah. We won't go there. I'll ask you 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:16.520 after the podcast, because there's some funny, funny things. 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:17.680 There are some things I've said that I go that 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:18.119 you said. 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:20.480 I know that. That's me too. That's why I've privated 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:22.160 all my YouTube videos because I go, I would hate 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:24.520 for someone to see that today, and I get a 0:01:24.520 --> 0:01:26.400 bit icky, even with high schools. I mean, this podcast 0:01:26.440 --> 0:01:28.920 is only like three years old, and people will be like, oh, 0:01:28.959 --> 0:01:31.320 I just caught up. I only started listening three months ago, 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:34.959 and I go, you've listened to an episode from twenty 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:37.679 twenty two or three or something whenever we started this, 0:01:37.720 --> 0:01:41.400 And I think to myself, oh, the things I said then, 0:01:41.680 --> 0:01:43.679 and I would have been so stiff and robotic. So 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:45.920 it's like, I'm like, if I said it longer than 0:01:45.920 --> 0:01:48.680 a week ago, just don't ignore it that I said it. 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:51.400 You know that's not how I feel today. You know, 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:54.880 my mind changes so frequently. Anyway, The point is, you 0:01:55.280 --> 0:01:56.840 said this would be interesting to see if you feel 0:01:56.840 --> 0:01:58.240 the same way I think you will. You posted this 0:01:58.320 --> 0:02:01.680 last year in on the the fifth month, which is May, so. 0:02:02.400 --> 0:02:04.040 In the fifth month of the year, which is actually 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:05.000 my thanks. 0:02:05.280 --> 0:02:07.800 And this resonated with me so dearly. I won't play 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:09.519 the whole thing, but I just want to dive deeper 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:11.880 into this because even in this video you talk for 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:16.840 fucking and a half minute, but I still need more 0:02:16.919 --> 0:02:18.560 and I'm really happed to talk to you about this. 0:02:18.639 --> 0:02:22.040 I have a listen. The caption on screen is an 0:02:22.080 --> 0:02:23.760 epiphany about my relationship. 0:02:24.240 --> 0:02:26.680 You're unsure if your relationship is right for you. Let 0:02:26.720 --> 0:02:29.400 me tell you how I know that my relationship is 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:31.960 right for me, and also how I know that it's 0:02:32.000 --> 0:02:34.720 the only healthy relationship I've ever been. 0:02:34.560 --> 0:02:37.239 In, because if I knew that this. 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:40.960 Feeling existed in all my other relationships, I would have 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:41.919 ended them so. 0:02:42.040 --> 0:02:44.080 Much faster, so much faster. 0:02:44.600 --> 0:02:46.480 The feeling is this. I had an ephany about this 0:02:46.480 --> 0:02:50.200 the other day. I know that I want to be 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:51.160 with Adam for the. 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:54.480 Rest of my life because the more that I'm with him, 0:02:55.040 --> 0:02:55.760 the more. 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:59.280 Certain I am that I would be okay without him. 0:02:59.400 --> 0:03:03.280 Okay, it sounds kind of intuitive, but it isn't. 0:03:03.320 --> 0:03:05.320 The more that I'm with him, the less I want 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:05.959 to be with him. 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.000 I want to be with him all day, every day. 0:03:08.000 --> 0:03:09.679 It's all I want to obsessed with him. 0:03:09.960 --> 0:03:11.800 The more that I'm with him, the more I love him. 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.080 But the more that I'm with him, the more secure 0:03:15.120 --> 0:03:19.200 I feel in myself as an individual human and the 0:03:19.200 --> 0:03:22.880 more that I know I'll be okay if I was ever. 0:03:22.840 --> 0:03:26.840 How much longer without him, I think that wraps up. 0:03:27.800 --> 0:03:29.360 That's where I can't stand. 0:03:30.120 --> 0:03:31.760 I know, I know, but then you go, you go 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:33.520 dive a little bit deeper. But I wanted to dive 0:03:33.560 --> 0:03:35.680 a little bit deeper because I love that video so much. 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.240 Even commented on Earth I've got a few likes. I said, Wow, Abby, 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:46.080 this is an incredible take because and I went wow 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:49.640 speaking to the choir, because I feel like I feel 0:03:49.720 --> 0:03:52.880 that in my relationship with Sky, but I never had 0:03:52.880 --> 0:03:56.040 the words or was able to put on a feeling 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:59.280 like that. And I feel like we are similar in 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:01.760 the sense that all the other relationships I've ever been 0:04:01.800 --> 0:04:06.440 in my life. I am in vital flight mode. Yes, 0:04:06.600 --> 0:04:11.720 I am, like if I text Harry and texting back 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:14.600 straight away, Yeah, I mean this is obviously years and 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:17.720 years ago. I'm checking the snapchat location. Where are you? Yeah, 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:19.520 I said, I said, what are you doing? You said nothing? 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:21.320 But why are you at the shops? Who at the shops? 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:23.839 What do you And like gays, we have to worry 0:04:23.880 --> 0:04:26.640 about cruising and things like that. So with you know, 0:04:26.640 --> 0:04:28.800 I mean, I'm going, what's going on? What's going on? 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:30.479 Why are you there? Yeah? Are you on a grind 0:04:30.480 --> 0:04:32.160 hook up right now? Like? What's going on? Like I've 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:36.200 always been vital flight in every single relationship with Sky. 0:04:37.040 --> 0:04:40.919 Have never felt from even the inception of our relationship 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:43.320 since before then, not once have I ever had to 0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:46.359 worry where he is, what he's doing, who's talking to 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:49.160 Is he cheating on me? Is he like? What's going on? 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:53.520 Never once? Like he makes me feel so secure in myself, 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:57.920 And you basically summed that up so perfectly where it's like, Okay, 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:00.960 if I ever did have to live without him or 0:05:01.000 --> 0:05:03.720 the relationship ended or whatever, God for bid, touch would touch? 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:09.440 Is that touch fake concrete. 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:12.000 That I would be okay? And in every other relationship 0:05:12.080 --> 0:05:13.839 I have been like, if they ever leave me, I 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:17.080 will never ever be okay and it will destroy me. 0:05:17.320 --> 0:05:20.159 And it's the most it's the weirdest thing ever, So anyway, 0:05:20.320 --> 0:05:21.120 talk to me about it. 0:05:21.200 --> 0:05:22.960 Well, No, I agree. I feel like you're in the 0:05:22.960 --> 0:05:23.640 fight or flight thing. 0:05:23.680 --> 0:05:25.720 It's like you're in survival mode when you're in these 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:28.719 and it is even just I think it's very easy 0:05:28.720 --> 0:05:31.799 for everyone talk about relationships in like abusive or healthy, 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.760 but there's a there's a scale, you know. And I've 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:38.400 been really awfully neglectful, really awfully controlling also just kind 0:05:38.440 --> 0:05:41.279 of like ones that weren't for me. And in all 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:43.279 of those relationships, I felt like I've been looking to 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:47.280 that person as my emotional survival and I feel like 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:49.080 that's why I've been in fart of flight mode just 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:49.599 like you. 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:53.240 But I've also been in forn you know, fawning mode. 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:53.479 You know. 0:05:54.080 --> 0:05:56.240 No, okay, so this this fight or flight, we all 0:05:56.240 --> 0:06:00.400 know those ones. There's also freeze and fawn and fawning 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:04.800 is quite common in women, particularly in abusive relationships, where 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:09.120 you're trying to like like make the person really like 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:11.279 you and be really really like good girl and be 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:13.919 very like loving towards them even if they're not treating 0:06:13.960 --> 0:06:16.560 you well. Because it's a survival tactic of kind of 0:06:16.600 --> 0:06:20.800 like tricking them, or not manipulating them, but going I'm good, 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:23.160 I'm no threat, essentially, like rolling over on your back 0:06:23.200 --> 0:06:26.760 like a puppy essentially, And so I would do that 0:06:26.839 --> 0:06:30.400 a lot, but I would still be in this survival mode. 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:33.919 I could never tell when I was actually comfortable or 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:37.600 actually relaxed, and it's because I wasn't. And then when 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:39.520 I got into a relationship, it's why I say, like, 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:41.600 I didn't even realize as was possible, and I'm sure 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:44.839 you didn't either. When I got into a relationship where yeah, 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:50.039 he's so communicative, he's like never even if he's on tour, 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:51.479 even if he's about to go on stage, and I 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:54.520 call him, he answers, even if and even if it's 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:56.320 something stupid, then I go, oh, fuck, forgot yet to show. 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:56.720 Sorry. 0:06:57.120 --> 0:06:59.839 It's like he's he's just always there. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.320 Also has built me up as a person in my 0:07:02.360 --> 0:07:04.640 self esteem that I can I know that if we 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.800 broke up, I wouldn't I wouldn't cease to exist, which 0:07:07.800 --> 0:07:09.479 I feel like I used to feel like a lot, 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:12.680 and I still feel that way for sure, even even 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:16.000 more so now I think I've been with him for longer. 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.560 But it's a very nice thing to go through. 0:07:19.560 --> 0:07:21.560 But it's quite sad when you look back at your 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.840 other relationships and you go, oh, I felt like my 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:27.920 worth was so attached to your attention or to your kindness, 0:07:28.440 --> 0:07:31.720 or to even like with controlling relationships, to me being 0:07:31.800 --> 0:07:36.720 quote unquote allowed to do something or the peace in 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:41.000 the relationship, that was what I was always striving towards. 0:07:41.040 --> 0:07:43.760 It was like there was always something to figure out, 0:07:43.960 --> 0:07:46.440 you know, in the relationship, and that was where my survival, 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:50.240 where my focus was. Whereas now, like obviously things happen 0:07:50.320 --> 0:07:54.000 externally as always like in your lives individually, but. 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.679 Adam and I rarely have like one v one issues. 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:00.000 Of course, we have like arguments and we have disagreements 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:03.800 and stuff, but it's never like you're doing something wrong. 0:08:03.880 --> 0:08:07.800 What you're doing is wrong, what you know, you're in trouble, 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:11.760 or you're lesser than or you you have some manipulative 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:15.800 ulterior motive. It's like, that hurt me the way you 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:17.360 did that, and I know you won't trying to do that, 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:19.240 but it did hurt me, you know, whereas previously the 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:21.400 communication was like you're a piece of shit essentially, Oh 0:08:21.440 --> 0:08:21.960 that's what I heard. 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:24.720 Anyway, Yeah, do you have that as well, absolutely, but 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.240 except that Sky and I still I don't know how 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:31.040 many years. I want to say seven, it could be eight. 0:08:31.040 --> 0:08:35.600 I'm so sorry, so long, I can't remember. It's it's 0:08:35.800 --> 0:08:38.120 been a long time, and where yet to have a fight. 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:41.800 That's amazing, an argument that's so amazing. 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:47.520 To have even like a minute disagreement about like something silly, 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:51.640 like there's just we just work so well together, whereas 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.920 like I wouldn't even be dating a man yet and 0:08:54.960 --> 0:08:59.160 we would be fought, like abusing each other with our words. 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:04.160 We'd be like fighting about just stupid, stupid stuff, and 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:06.000 you're not even dating yet and you haven't a fight, 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:08.840 Like how fucking Stupid's that? It's so ridiculous, and like 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:11.719 God forbid. And I think like the best part is 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.000 as well, again god forbid i'd ever be without him. 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:16.480 But it's also given me the courage to be like 0:09:16.520 --> 0:09:20.720 I would never let anyone ever treat me, which also 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:24.800 kind of bleeds out into all relationships anyway, because obviously 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:27.000 there's no plan to ever have anyone but him in 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:30.000 my life ever again. But let's say, for example, there 0:09:30.200 --> 0:09:33.120 was there's no way I would be going back to 0:09:33.800 --> 0:09:36.160 fight or flight mode, i'd be going, sorry, I know 0:09:36.320 --> 0:09:39.160 my worth. That's what you were saying in that video 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:41.520 as well. He's like, if God forbid there ever was 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:45.520 that time, you would never again let someone treat you 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:47.760 like the way you've been treated in the past, because 0:09:48.240 --> 0:09:50.800 it's one of those really weird things where like I 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:52.800 kind of have thought I've been in love and I 0:09:52.840 --> 0:09:55.280 thought I've been in good relationships before, and then you 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:57.400 actually have a good relationship and you go, oh, you're 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:00.400 actually not meant to get hit by your partner, actually 0:10:00.400 --> 0:10:03.560 not get yelled at constantly. Oh, you're actually not meant 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:06.040 to be manipulated every day. Oh you're actually not meant 0:10:06.040 --> 0:10:08.480 to be on edge waiting for them to reply. Oh 0:10:08.520 --> 0:10:10.400 you're actually not waiting for do you know what I mean? 0:10:11.160 --> 0:10:14.120 And you go, oh, this is actually what a relationship 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:25.080 is supposed to be. I'm interested to know, like one 0:10:25.120 --> 0:10:27.800 thing that you could give our scrollers, Like, what's like 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:31.040 one sort of I guess I want to say piece 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:32.760 of advice, but not really piece of advice, but like, 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:35.680 what's the one thing that you think this is why 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:37.160 our relationship works so well? 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:41.560 Oh, I think it's because and this might seem really basic, 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:45.480 but like we actually really like each other and we're 0:10:45.520 --> 0:10:47.240 not trying to hurt each other. And I feel like 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:51.200 in previous relationships that hasn't been at the forefront, at 0:10:51.240 --> 0:10:54.360 the forefront has been quite a like I mean, look, 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:57.120 I feel like there's been I don't want to be 0:10:57.200 --> 0:10:59.199 like and I never did anything wrong, because like I'm 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:01.160 sure that I have done things that are wrong in relationship, 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:06.240 but like in I feel like Adam and I think 0:11:06.280 --> 0:11:08.480 as we were friends as well before, so like first 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:10.679 and foremost, we think about how the other person's going 0:11:10.760 --> 0:11:13.040 to feel, and the arguments that we have had are 0:11:13.080 --> 0:11:17.720 things that are like we've been too worried about hurting 0:11:17.760 --> 0:11:20.560 the other person's feelings. And then almost it's been like 0:11:21.040 --> 0:11:23.280 we've kind of brought something up and it's not being clear, 0:11:23.320 --> 0:11:25.080 you know what I mean. It's like it's actually kind 0:11:25.120 --> 0:11:27.160 of cute. It's like we're all like I'll be so 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:31.240 worried about how he's feeling about something external and vice versa, 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:33.800 and then we'll kind of like panic but about the 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:36.480 other person not being happy, and then that turns into 0:11:36.520 --> 0:11:38.000 like a little bit of like, oh no, I just 0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:39.640 need you to like tell me how you're feeling that's 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:41.840 kind of the extent of it. And I think the 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:45.480 biggest thing the difference in this relationship is that we, yeah, 0:11:45.559 --> 0:11:50.160 we just prioritize each other's happiness and peace at all 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:55.240 times rather than prioritizing like being right or because it 0:11:55.240 --> 0:11:56.880 doesn't really matter if you're right or you're wrong. What 0:11:56.880 --> 0:11:59.280 matters is if you're happy in the relationship. And I 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:01.400 think that we really are careful with our words, We're 0:12:01.440 --> 0:12:03.640 really careful with what we bring up we don't bring up. 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:05.559 And I think we've been through a lot of stress 0:12:05.920 --> 0:12:08.240 in the past year especially. That's just like in like 0:12:08.480 --> 0:12:11.960 insane amounts of stress, so like are just like, you know, 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:14.760 things people don't even know, things people do know, just 0:12:14.800 --> 0:12:18.920 like Nightmareville Nightmareville. And I think we never ever blame 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:23.480 each other for those anxieties or for that pressure. But 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:25.880 you know, it was really weird for me the first 0:12:26.880 --> 0:12:28.880 the first maybe six months or a year, I was 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:30.920 kind of waiting for him to do something fucking insane, 0:12:30.960 --> 0:12:33.880 Like I was like, he's gonna do something wild because 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:39.280 I'm feeling comfortable, and that is really that's that's uncomfortable 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:42.240 for me, feeling comfortable And people say that people that 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:44.400 have been in abuseiful bad relationships. Oh you're just chasing 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:46.160 the high, You chasing Night's like, no, no, no, not 0:12:46.600 --> 0:12:48.600 at all. I'm not chasing the high. The issue was 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:53.280 I was previously accustomed and acclimatized to being treated a 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:55.880 certain way, and I wasn't chasing that, but I was 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:58.880 just able to endure it. Like I've spoken about it 0:12:58.880 --> 0:13:01.960 before in the podcast about it being like emotional callouses, 0:13:02.000 --> 0:13:03.959 where it's like you're just used. You're just used to it, 0:13:04.040 --> 0:13:06.360 Like you're saying, like, you know, used to be abusing 0:13:06.600 --> 0:13:07.679 our words of even together. 0:13:07.760 --> 0:13:10.199 That's all you know, that's all you know. You think, Oh, 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:11.520 that's just how it's meant to be. 0:13:11.800 --> 0:13:15.080 Yeah, and people think that you're weak for staying or 0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:17.720 that you're lesser than for staying in those relationships, that, oh, 0:13:17.720 --> 0:13:20.040 why don't us to get a backbone and leave. It's like, actually, 0:13:20.120 --> 0:13:22.880 unfortunately I had too much of a backbone, and I 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:28.360 was too resilient to being treated poorly or seeing you know, 0:13:28.559 --> 0:13:31.040 in my life, seeing people being treated poorly or being 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:35.520 abused that Unfortunately, I was just used to that and 0:13:35.559 --> 0:13:36.920 I wasn't seeking it out, but I was. 0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:38.480 Just able to copy it a bit more. 0:13:38.840 --> 0:13:40.800 And then when I was with Adam, I was kind 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.400 of waiting for the for the other shooter job as 0:13:43.440 --> 0:13:44.320 they that's what they say. 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:46.080 Yeah, what old does that mean? I don't know, so 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:46.480 I'm not. 0:13:47.120 --> 0:13:49.040 Go Google go. Can you figure out where the others 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:53.800 about walking booking? We did this last week with Christian, 0:13:53.840 --> 0:13:56.640 all these all that he had, all these SAMs. Yeah, yeah, 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:59.680 so they'll be there'll be a weird olden day peasant 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:02.400 peasant thing about. 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.720 It waiting for the other shoe to drop, which means 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:08.520 anxiously wait for the final usually. 0:14:09.840 --> 0:14:11.400 Yeah, but where did that come from? I want to 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:15.640 see the original source. Come on, Google girl, get it together, girl, 0:14:15.679 --> 0:14:21.960 Google girl. Surely I'm thinking like peasant at the markets, 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:24.200 you drop the second shoe once you've paid for the whole. 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:25.240 You know what I mean? 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:28.840 That's good from Oh. 0:14:28.800 --> 0:14:31.400 All right, come on over, come on in Big Rising 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:33.000 Star of the podcast today. 0:14:34.160 --> 0:14:37.240 It comes from late nineteenth and early twentieth century New 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:44.320 York City tenant Yeah, tenement tenement ye apartments where thin 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:48.480 ceilings made noise of an upstairs neighbor dropping the shoe 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:50.240 loud and clear on the ground. 0:14:50.240 --> 0:14:52.160 When they drop their shoes waiting for the other shoe 0:14:52.160 --> 0:14:54.960 to d So they dropped the first one, kick it off, 0:14:55.000 --> 0:14:58.320 and you're going there, you go the other one. 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:00.560 They'd be anxious the whole time, waiting for the and 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:00.960 what if. 0:15:00.880 --> 0:15:03.640 They didn't drop the second shoe for whatever reason, You'd 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:05.560 be going, well, where is their other second shoe? The 0:15:05.600 --> 0:15:07.240 shoe the other second shoes drop. 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:09.720 Single shoe, banded h But so I was waiting for 0:15:09.720 --> 0:15:11.520 the other shoe to drop, just like the people in 0:15:11.560 --> 0:15:15.160 the tenement buildings in New York in the late nineteenth century. 0:15:15.440 --> 0:15:17.160 Listeners of the Forge, I. 0:15:17.080 --> 0:15:19.040 Hope you guys are doing well now. I've got thicker 0:15:19.080 --> 0:15:21.840 ceilings now. But yeah, I feel I feel like that 0:15:21.880 --> 0:15:23.760 was kind of my whole existence, and then that led 0:15:23.920 --> 0:15:28.600 to the fight or flight in the relationship. And then 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.200 now I just have realized that, yeah, the more that 0:15:31.240 --> 0:15:32.920 I'm with him, the more that I'm like, oh, I'm 0:15:32.920 --> 0:15:36.200 a I'm a full person. And I think a lot 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:38.880 of relationships in if they aren't abusive, if they're like codependent, 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.080 or if they are just like a little bit shit 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:45.320 or not great, they affect yourself esteem so much that 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:50.600 you feel like, oh, no, you're you've got this like 0:15:50.600 --> 0:15:53.080 like this growth on you that if the growth was 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:56.520 to be cut off, you'd bleed out, you know. And 0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:59.840 I think Adam and I just have our own full lives, 0:16:00.600 --> 0:16:03.000 and then that makes me feel like, oh, you're choosing 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:04.440 to have me in your life, which I'm sure you 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:06.800 feel like with Sky, it's like, oh, we're actually actively 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:09.200 choosing to be with each other, not to be all 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:13.360 cliche going, and there's a choice every day, but like 0:16:13.760 --> 0:16:16.320 it really is, Whereas I felt like in previous relationships 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:18.440 it was like, oh, we're in this now, so like 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:20.680 this is just like what it's going to be, and 0:16:20.720 --> 0:16:22.160 I have to make this thing work. And if I 0:16:22.160 --> 0:16:25.040 can't make this thing work, and therefore my self esteem 0:16:25.040 --> 0:16:27.840 and my self worth is so is low or like 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:31.520 I'm the problem in this and the other thing that 0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:34.280 I noticed with Adam as well, after those relationships, I'm 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:36.760 spoken about this as well, Like he writes me poems 0:16:37.200 --> 0:16:39.880 most of the time, Like most days I get a poem. 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.160 More I get a little voice note telling me how 0:16:42.200 --> 0:16:44.120 much he loves me. If he gets up before me, 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:47.160 which he does most mornings, and it's two minutes. 0:16:46.920 --> 0:16:49.480 Of reasons why he loves me or whatever. 0:16:50.440 --> 0:16:55.240 And I feel like previously you know, I felt like 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:57.760 I was the common denominator in these relationships, and so 0:16:57.800 --> 0:16:59.800 everyone says, they're like, well, have you've been in bad relationships? 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:00.960 Common denominator? 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:03.280 And people say, have to change yourself and change everything 0:17:03.320 --> 0:17:06.040 about yourself defined someone it's gonna love you. That's why 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.760 I was also scared to leave those relationships and why 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:11.320 my self esteem was so low in those because I 0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:13.639 was like, well, I've had this happened time and time again. 0:17:13.960 --> 0:17:16.000 I guess this is my lot in life. Where does 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:18.720 that come from? Miss Google girl? This is my lot 0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:22.480 in life? And that's just kind of like my destiny 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:24.480 that I'm you know, I'm gonna stay in this. So 0:17:24.520 --> 0:17:26.359 I've got to make this work, because what's the other option? 0:17:27.359 --> 0:17:30.639 Whereas you know, I've not changed anything about myself. I 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:33.760 got out of a relationship and then Adam and I, 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:36.880 even though we were friends before, we started like getting 0:17:36.960 --> 0:17:40.480 together a little, you know, a couple of months after 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:43.440 that relationship, and I felt so bad about myself after 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:46.360 that relationship, and I didn't have to change a bloody thing, 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:48.399 Dallan like, and yet I'm now with a man that 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:51.919 treats me well and is romantic and goes above and 0:17:51.960 --> 0:17:56.760 beyond and big penis, and it's like really beautiful for 0:17:56.800 --> 0:17:58.280 me to experience. 0:17:57.760 --> 0:17:58.240 All these things. 0:17:58.240 --> 0:17:59.920 They go, oh, you're hot, you're cool, you're funny, every 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:04.000 one loves you like, you're talented, you're creative, you love me, 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:05.960 You're not like scared to say you love me. 0:18:06.040 --> 0:18:07.760 You're really like communicative. 0:18:07.840 --> 0:18:09.880 You never have to question if they love you, which 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:13.000 is like something that I question every other relationship. Not 0:18:13.040 --> 0:18:14.960 once have I ever had to think to myself, like 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:17.560 does I even love me? Like I know it so 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:20.119 much in my core, I like I never have to 0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:23.399 question that in every other relationship. Every day I would question. 0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:24.400 That really every day. 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:26.320 Every day I'd be like I don't even know if 0:18:26.320 --> 0:18:26.879 they like me? 0:18:27.480 --> 0:18:29.199 Yeah, And did you have to change yourself when you 0:18:29.240 --> 0:18:29.920 got with Sky? 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:31.479 Never? No, not at all. 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:32.400 He's amazing and. 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:36.320 He almost found me, Like because that happened really naturally, 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:39.680 and like it was one of those things where everyone goes, oh, 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:42.080 you know, the relationship will come when you're not looking 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:44.600