Speaker 1: High Scrollers is produced on gadigul Land.
Speaker 2: We pay our respects to the traditional custodians of this
Speaker 2: country and Elder's past and present.
Speaker 1: Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land.
Speaker 2: Well, Abby Chatfield, welcome to Close Friends. This is We're
Speaker 2: gonna get to know you a little bit more, get
Speaker 2: a bit more personal. This is where close Friends. Obviously
Speaker 2: sticking with the social media theme, we just we just
Speaker 2: relax a little bit more. It's not so much like
Speaker 2: what's been happening on the internet. It's like we just
Speaker 2: relaxed and just have a chat. And again it's anything
Speaker 2: goes here. But I have something that I want to
Speaker 2: talk to you about because there's a video that you
Speaker 2: posted quite a while ago when was this and.
Speaker 3: I feel it's really problematic and I'm going to bring
Speaker 3: up confront you.
Speaker 2: Well, oh, actually remind me to remind me to talk
Speaker 2: to you about something that because when I was researching
Speaker 2: for this episode, I was looking for videos that you've posted,
Speaker 2: and I also was like, you know, looking at things.
Speaker 2: I was like, I want to go back and oh
Speaker 2: my goodness, there's so many from like your when it's
Speaker 2: a lot was like just in its first little baby
Speaker 2: step there's some old videos where I kind of wanted
Speaker 2: to quiz you on like some of the things you
Speaker 2: were saying. You sure, there'd be like do you still
Speaker 2: stand by this? What do you feel about it now?
Speaker 2: Like blah blah. We won't go there. I'll ask you
Speaker 2: after the podcast, because there's some funny, funny things.
Speaker 1: There are some things I've said that I go that
Speaker 1: you said.
Speaker 2: I know that. That's me too. That's why I've privated
Speaker 2: all my YouTube videos because I go, I would hate
Speaker 2: for someone to see that today, and I get a
Speaker 2: bit icky, even with high schools. I mean, this podcast
Speaker 2: is only like three years old, and people will be like, oh,
Speaker 2: I just caught up. I only started listening three months ago,
Speaker 2: and I go, you've listened to an episode from twenty
Speaker 2: twenty two or three or something whenever we started this,
Speaker 2: And I think to myself, oh, the things I said then,
Speaker 2: and I would have been so stiff and robotic. So
Speaker 2: it's like, I'm like, if I said it longer than
Speaker 2: a week ago, just don't ignore it that I said it.
Speaker 2: You know that's not how I feel today. You know,
Speaker 2: my mind changes so frequently. Anyway, The point is, you
Speaker 2: said this would be interesting to see if you feel
Speaker 2: the same way I think you will. You posted this
Speaker 2: last year in on the the fifth month, which is May, so.
Speaker 1: In the fifth month of the year, which is actually
Speaker 1: my thanks.
Speaker 2: And this resonated with me so dearly. I won't play
Speaker 2: the whole thing, but I just want to dive deeper
Speaker 2: into this because even in this video you talk for
Speaker 2: fucking and a half minute, but I still need more
Speaker 2: and I'm really happed to talk to you about this.
Speaker 2: I have a listen. The caption on screen is an
Speaker 2: epiphany about my relationship.
Speaker 4: You're unsure if your relationship is right for you. Let
Speaker 4: me tell you how I know that my relationship is
Speaker 4: right for me, and also how I know that it's
Speaker 4: the only healthy relationship I've ever been.
Speaker 5: In, because if I knew that this.
Speaker 4: Feeling existed in all my other relationships, I would have
Speaker 4: ended them so.
Speaker 2: Much faster, so much faster.
Speaker 4: The feeling is this. I had an ephany about this
Speaker 4: the other day. I know that I want to be
Speaker 4: with Adam for the.
Speaker 5: Rest of my life because the more that I'm with him,
Speaker 5: the more.
Speaker 4: Certain I am that I would be okay without him.
Speaker 2: Okay, it sounds kind of intuitive, but it isn't.
Speaker 5: The more that I'm with him, the less I want
Speaker 5: to be with him.
Speaker 2: I want to be with him all day, every day.
Speaker 1: It's all I want to obsessed with him.
Speaker 2: The more that I'm with him, the more I love him.
Speaker 5: But the more that I'm with him, the more secure
Speaker 5: I feel in myself as an individual human and the
Speaker 5: more that I know I'll be okay if I was ever.
Speaker 2: How much longer without him, I think that wraps up.
Speaker 1: That's where I can't stand.
Speaker 2: I know, I know, but then you go, you go
Speaker 2: dive a little bit deeper. But I wanted to dive
Speaker 2: a little bit deeper because I love that video so much.
Speaker 2: Even commented on Earth I've got a few likes. I said, Wow, Abby,
Speaker 2: this is an incredible take because and I went wow
Speaker 2: speaking to the choir, because I feel like I feel
Speaker 2: that in my relationship with Sky, but I never had
Speaker 2: the words or was able to put on a feeling
Speaker 2: like that. And I feel like we are similar in
Speaker 2: the sense that all the other relationships I've ever been
Speaker 2: in my life. I am in vital flight mode. Yes,
Speaker 2: I am, like if I text Harry and texting back
Speaker 2: straight away, Yeah, I mean this is obviously years and
Speaker 2: years ago. I'm checking the snapchat location. Where are you? Yeah,
Speaker 2: I said, I said, what are you doing? You said nothing?
Speaker 2: But why are you at the shops? Who at the shops?
Speaker 2: What do you And like gays, we have to worry
Speaker 2: about cruising and things like that. So with you know,
Speaker 2: I mean, I'm going, what's going on? What's going on?
Speaker 2: Why are you there? Yeah? Are you on a grind
Speaker 2: hook up right now? Like? What's going on? Like I've
Speaker 2: always been vital flight in every single relationship with Sky.
Speaker 2: Have never felt from even the inception of our relationship
Speaker 2: since before then, not once have I ever had to
Speaker 2: worry where he is, what he's doing, who's talking to
Speaker 2: Is he cheating on me? Is he like? What's going on?
Speaker 2: Never once? Like he makes me feel so secure in myself,
Speaker 2: And you basically summed that up so perfectly where it's like, Okay,
Speaker 2: if I ever did have to live without him or
Speaker 2: the relationship ended or whatever, God for bid, touch would touch?
Speaker 1: Is that touch fake concrete.
Speaker 2: That I would be okay? And in every other relationship
Speaker 2: I have been like, if they ever leave me, I
Speaker 2: will never ever be okay and it will destroy me.
Speaker 2: And it's the most it's the weirdest thing ever, So anyway,
Speaker 2: talk to me about it.
Speaker 1: Well, No, I agree. I feel like you're in the
Speaker 1: fight or flight thing.
Speaker 3: It's like you're in survival mode when you're in these
Speaker 3: and it is even just I think it's very easy
Speaker 3: for everyone talk about relationships in like abusive or healthy,
Speaker 3: but there's a there's a scale, you know. And I've
Speaker 3: been really awfully neglectful, really awfully controlling also just kind
Speaker 3: of like ones that weren't for me. And in all
Speaker 3: of those relationships, I felt like I've been looking to
Speaker 3: that person as my emotional survival and I feel like
Speaker 3: that's why I've been in fart of flight mode just
Speaker 3: like you.
Speaker 1: But I've also been in forn you know, fawning mode.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: No, okay, so this this fight or flight, we all
Speaker 3: know those ones. There's also freeze and fawn and fawning
Speaker 3: is quite common in women, particularly in abusive relationships, where
Speaker 3: you're trying to like like make the person really like
Speaker 3: you and be really really like good girl and be
Speaker 3: very like loving towards them even if they're not treating
Speaker 3: you well. Because it's a survival tactic of kind of
Speaker 3: like tricking them, or not manipulating them, but going I'm good,
Speaker 3: I'm no threat, essentially, like rolling over on your back
Speaker 3: like a puppy essentially, And so I would do that
Speaker 3: a lot, but I would still be in this survival mode.
Speaker 3: I could never tell when I was actually comfortable or
Speaker 3: actually relaxed, and it's because I wasn't. And then when
Speaker 3: I got into a relationship, it's why I say, like,
Speaker 3: I didn't even realize as was possible, and I'm sure
Speaker 3: you didn't either. When I got into a relationship where yeah,
Speaker 3: he's so communicative, he's like never even if he's on tour,
Speaker 3: even if he's about to go on stage, and I
Speaker 3: call him, he answers, even if and even if it's
Speaker 3: something stupid, then I go, oh, fuck, forgot yet to show.
Speaker 2: Sorry.
Speaker 1: It's like he's he's just always there.
Speaker 3: Also has built me up as a person in my
Speaker 3: self esteem that I can I know that if we
Speaker 3: broke up, I wouldn't I wouldn't cease to exist, which
Speaker 3: I feel like I used to feel like a lot,
Speaker 3: and I still feel that way for sure, even even
Speaker 3: more so now I think I've been with him for longer.
Speaker 1: But it's a very nice thing to go through.
Speaker 3: But it's quite sad when you look back at your
Speaker 3: other relationships and you go, oh, I felt like my
Speaker 3: worth was so attached to your attention or to your kindness,
Speaker 3: or to even like with controlling relationships, to me being
Speaker 3: quote unquote allowed to do something or the peace in
Speaker 3: the relationship, that was what I was always striving towards.
Speaker 3: It was like there was always something to figure out,
Speaker 3: you know, in the relationship, and that was where my survival,
Speaker 3: where my focus was. Whereas now, like obviously things happen
Speaker 3: externally as always like in your lives individually, but.
Speaker 1: Adam and I rarely have like one v one issues.
Speaker 3: Of course, we have like arguments and we have disagreements
Speaker 3: and stuff, but it's never like you're doing something wrong.
Speaker 3: What you're doing is wrong, what you know, you're in trouble,
Speaker 3: or you're lesser than or you you have some manipulative
Speaker 3: ulterior motive. It's like, that hurt me the way you
Speaker 3: did that, and I know you won't trying to do that,
Speaker 3: but it did hurt me, you know, whereas previously the
Speaker 3: communication was like you're a piece of shit essentially, Oh
Speaker 3: that's what I heard.
Speaker 2: Anyway, Yeah, do you have that as well, absolutely, but
Speaker 2: except that Sky and I still I don't know how
Speaker 2: many years. I want to say seven, it could be eight.
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, so long, I can't remember. It's it's
Speaker 2: been a long time, and where yet to have a fight.
Speaker 1: That's amazing, an argument that's so amazing.
Speaker 2: To have even like a minute disagreement about like something silly,
Speaker 2: like there's just we just work so well together, whereas
Speaker 2: like I wouldn't even be dating a man yet and
Speaker 2: we would be fought, like abusing each other with our words.
Speaker 2: We'd be like fighting about just stupid, stupid stuff, and
Speaker 2: you're not even dating yet and you haven't a fight,
Speaker 2: Like how fucking Stupid's that? It's so ridiculous, and like
Speaker 2: God forbid. And I think like the best part is
Speaker 2: as well, again god forbid i'd ever be without him.
Speaker 2: But it's also given me the courage to be like
Speaker 2: I would never let anyone ever treat me, which also
Speaker 2: kind of bleeds out into all relationships anyway, because obviously
Speaker 2: there's no plan to ever have anyone but him in
Speaker 2: my life ever again. But let's say, for example, there
Speaker 2: was there's no way I would be going back to
Speaker 2: fight or flight mode, i'd be going, sorry, I know
Speaker 2: my worth. That's what you were saying in that video
Speaker 2: as well. He's like, if God forbid there ever was
Speaker 2: that time, you would never again let someone treat you
Speaker 2: like the way you've been treated in the past, because
Speaker 2: it's one of those really weird things where like I
Speaker 2: kind of have thought I've been in love and I
Speaker 2: thought I've been in good relationships before, and then you
Speaker 2: actually have a good relationship and you go, oh, you're
Speaker 2: actually not meant to get hit by your partner, actually
Speaker 2: not get yelled at constantly. Oh, you're actually not meant
Speaker 2: to be manipulated every day. Oh you're actually not meant
Speaker 2: to be on edge waiting for them to reply. Oh
Speaker 2: you're actually not waiting for do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: And you go, oh, this is actually what a relationship
Speaker 2: is supposed to be. I'm interested to know, like one
Speaker 2: thing that you could give our scrollers, Like, what's like
Speaker 2: one sort of I guess I want to say piece
Speaker 2: of advice, but not really piece of advice, but like,
Speaker 2: what's the one thing that you think this is why
Speaker 2: our relationship works so well?
Speaker 3: Oh, I think it's because and this might seem really basic,
Speaker 3: but like we actually really like each other and we're
Speaker 3: not trying to hurt each other. And I feel like
Speaker 3: in previous relationships that hasn't been at the forefront, at
Speaker 3: the forefront has been quite a like I mean, look,
Speaker 3: I feel like there's been I don't want to be
Speaker 3: like and I never did anything wrong, because like I'm
Speaker 3: sure that I have done things that are wrong in relationship,
Speaker 3: but like in I feel like Adam and I think
Speaker 3: as we were friends as well before, so like first
Speaker 3: and foremost, we think about how the other person's going
Speaker 3: to feel, and the arguments that we have had are
Speaker 3: things that are like we've been too worried about hurting
Speaker 3: the other person's feelings. And then almost it's been like
Speaker 3: we've kind of brought something up and it's not being clear,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. It's like it's actually kind
Speaker 3: of cute. It's like we're all like I'll be so
Speaker 3: worried about how he's feeling about something external and vice versa,
Speaker 3: and then we'll kind of like panic but about the
Speaker 3: other person not being happy, and then that turns into
Speaker 3: like a little bit of like, oh no, I just
Speaker 3: need you to like tell me how you're feeling that's
Speaker 3: kind of the extent of it. And I think the
Speaker 3: biggest thing the difference in this relationship is that we, yeah,
Speaker 3: we just prioritize each other's happiness and peace at all
Speaker 3: times rather than prioritizing like being right or because it
Speaker 3: doesn't really matter if you're right or you're wrong. What
Speaker 3: matters is if you're happy in the relationship. And I
Speaker 3: think that we really are careful with our words, We're
Speaker 3: really careful with what we bring up we don't bring up.
Speaker 3: And I think we've been through a lot of stress
Speaker 3: in the past year especially. That's just like in like
Speaker 3: insane amounts of stress, so like are just like, you know,
Speaker 3: things people don't even know, things people do know, just
Speaker 3: like Nightmareville Nightmareville. And I think we never ever blame
Speaker 3: each other for those anxieties or for that pressure. But
Speaker 3: you know, it was really weird for me the first
Speaker 3: the first maybe six months or a year, I was
Speaker 3: kind of waiting for him to do something fucking insane,
Speaker 3: Like I was like, he's gonna do something wild because
Speaker 3: I'm feeling comfortable, and that is really that's that's uncomfortable
Speaker 3: for me, feeling comfortable And people say that people that
Speaker 3: have been in abuseiful bad relationships. Oh you're just chasing
Speaker 3: the high, You chasing Night's like, no, no, no, not
Speaker 3: at all. I'm not chasing the high. The issue was
Speaker 3: I was previously accustomed and acclimatized to being treated a
Speaker 3: certain way, and I wasn't chasing that, but I was
Speaker 3: just able to endure it. Like I've spoken about it
Speaker 3: before in the podcast about it being like emotional callouses,
Speaker 3: where it's like you're just used. You're just used to it,
Speaker 3: Like you're saying, like, you know, used to be abusing
Speaker 3: our words of even together.
Speaker 2: That's all you know, that's all you know. You think, Oh,
Speaker 2: that's just how it's meant to be.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and people think that you're weak for staying or
Speaker 3: that you're lesser than for staying in those relationships, that, oh,
Speaker 3: why don't us to get a backbone and leave. It's like, actually,
Speaker 3: unfortunately I had too much of a backbone, and I
Speaker 3: was too resilient to being treated poorly or seeing you know,
Speaker 3: in my life, seeing people being treated poorly or being
Speaker 3: abused that Unfortunately, I was just used to that and
Speaker 3: I wasn't seeking it out, but I was.
Speaker 1: Just able to copy it a bit more.
Speaker 3: And then when I was with Adam, I was kind
Speaker 3: of waiting for the for the other shooter job as
Speaker 3: they that's what they say.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what old does that mean? I don't know, so
Speaker 1: I'm not.
Speaker 2: Go Google go. Can you figure out where the others
Speaker 2: about walking booking? We did this last week with Christian,
Speaker 2: all these all that he had, all these SAMs. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 2: so they'll be there'll be a weird olden day peasant
Speaker 2: peasant thing about.
Speaker 6: It waiting for the other shoe to drop, which means
Speaker 6: anxiously wait for the final usually.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but where did that come from? I want to
Speaker 2: see the original source. Come on, Google girl, get it together, girl,
Speaker 2: Google girl. Surely I'm thinking like peasant at the markets,
Speaker 2: you drop the second shoe once you've paid for the whole.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: That's good from Oh.
Speaker 2: All right, come on over, come on in Big Rising
Speaker 2: Star of the podcast today.
Speaker 6: It comes from late nineteenth and early twentieth century New
Speaker 6: York City tenant Yeah, tenement tenement ye apartments where thin
Speaker 6: ceilings made noise of an upstairs neighbor dropping the shoe
Speaker 6: loud and clear on the ground.
Speaker 2: When they drop their shoes waiting for the other shoe
Speaker 2: to d So they dropped the first one, kick it off,
Speaker 2: and you're going there, you go the other one.
Speaker 1: They'd be anxious the whole time, waiting for the and
Speaker 1: what if.
Speaker 2: They didn't drop the second shoe for whatever reason, You'd
Speaker 2: be going, well, where is their other second shoe? The
Speaker 2: shoe the other second shoes drop.
Speaker 3: Single shoe, banded h But so I was waiting for
Speaker 3: the other shoe to drop, just like the people in
Speaker 3: the tenement buildings in New York in the late nineteenth century.
Speaker 2: Listeners of the Forge, I.
Speaker 3: Hope you guys are doing well now. I've got thicker
Speaker 3: ceilings now. But yeah, I feel I feel like that
Speaker 3: was kind of my whole existence, and then that led
Speaker 3: to the fight or flight in the relationship. And then
Speaker 3: now I just have realized that, yeah, the more that
Speaker 3: I'm with him, the more that I'm like, oh, I'm
Speaker 3: a I'm a full person. And I think a lot
Speaker 3: of relationships in if they aren't abusive, if they're like codependent,
Speaker 3: or if they are just like a little bit shit
Speaker 3: or not great, they affect yourself esteem so much that
Speaker 3: you feel like, oh, no, you're you've got this like
Speaker 3: like this growth on you that if the growth was
Speaker 3: to be cut off, you'd bleed out, you know. And
Speaker 3: I think Adam and I just have our own full lives,
Speaker 3: and then that makes me feel like, oh, you're choosing
Speaker 3: to have me in your life, which I'm sure you
Speaker 3: feel like with Sky, it's like, oh, we're actually actively
Speaker 3: choosing to be with each other, not to be all
Speaker 3: cliche going, and there's a choice every day, but like
Speaker 3: it really is, Whereas I felt like in previous relationships
Speaker 3: it was like, oh, we're in this now, so like
Speaker 3: this is just like what it's going to be, and
Speaker 3: I have to make this thing work. And if I
Speaker 3: can't make this thing work, and therefore my self esteem
Speaker 3: and my self worth is so is low or like
Speaker 3: I'm the problem in this and the other thing that
Speaker 3: I noticed with Adam as well, after those relationships, I'm
Speaker 3: spoken about this as well, Like he writes me poems
Speaker 3: most of the time, Like most days I get a poem.
Speaker 3: More I get a little voice note telling me how
Speaker 3: much he loves me. If he gets up before me,
Speaker 3: which he does most mornings, and it's two minutes.
Speaker 1: Of reasons why he loves me or whatever.
Speaker 3: And I feel like previously you know, I felt like
Speaker 3: I was the common denominator in these relationships, and so
Speaker 3: everyone says, they're like, well, have you've been in bad relationships?
Speaker 1: Common denominator?
Speaker 3: And people say, have to change yourself and change everything
Speaker 3: about yourself defined someone it's gonna love you. That's why
Speaker 3: I was also scared to leave those relationships and why
Speaker 3: my self esteem was so low in those because I
Speaker 3: was like, well, I've had this happened time and time again.
Speaker 3: I guess this is my lot in life. Where does
Speaker 3: that come from? Miss Google girl? This is my lot
Speaker 3: in life? And that's just kind of like my destiny
Speaker 3: that I'm you know, I'm gonna stay in this. So
Speaker 3: I've got to make this work, because what's the other option?
Speaker 3: Whereas you know, I've not changed anything about myself. I
Speaker 3: got out of a relationship and then Adam and I,
Speaker 3: even though we were friends before, we started like getting
Speaker 3: together a little, you know, a couple of months after
Speaker 3: that relationship, and I felt so bad about myself after
Speaker 3: that relationship, and I didn't have to change a bloody thing,
Speaker 3: Dallan like, and yet I'm now with a man that
Speaker 3: treats me well and is romantic and goes above and
Speaker 3: beyond and big penis, and it's like really beautiful for
Speaker 3: me to experience.
Speaker 1: All these things.
Speaker 3: They go, oh, you're hot, you're cool, you're funny, every
Speaker 3: one loves you like, you're talented, you're creative, you love me,
Speaker 3: You're not like scared to say you love me.
Speaker 1: You're really like communicative.
Speaker 2: You never have to question if they love you, which
Speaker 2: is like something that I question every other relationship. Not
Speaker 2: once have I ever had to think to myself, like
Speaker 2: does I even love me? Like I know it so
Speaker 2: much in my core, I like I never have to
Speaker 2: question that in every other relationship. Every day I would question.
Speaker 1: That really every day.
Speaker 2: Every day I'd be like I don't even know if
Speaker 2: they like me?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And did you have to change yourself when you
Speaker 1: got with Sky?
Speaker 2: Never? No, not at all.
Speaker 1: He's amazing and.
Speaker 2: He almost found me, Like because that happened really naturally,
Speaker 2: and like it was one of those things where everyone goes, oh,
Speaker 2: you know, the relationship will come when you're not looking
Speaker 2: for it. It's exactly what happened. Like I was in
Speaker 2: no mood today, it wasn't looking for it. And again
Speaker 2: we were friends first as well, and then it just
Speaker 2: like really naturally kind of like formed, And I mean
Speaker 2: I was crushing on him from the moment I saw him.
Speaker 2: Me too, But no, you're not in the sky. And
Speaker 2: I've said this a million times on the podcast. Sorry
Speaker 2: you're hearing it, but this is probably the first time
Speaker 2: Abby's hearing it. But the first time I saw him
Speaker 2: was at a was a arc downstairs drag for dollars.
Speaker 2: I walked in with my friend and we would we
Speaker 2: went in to see the drag show and I saw
Speaker 2: Skuy sitting on the floor across the room and I went, oh,
Speaker 2: my god, love that boy over there. That's my future husband.
Speaker 2: First time I ever saw him. And then now look
Speaker 2: at us engaged. Oh my crazy right, But even saying that,
Speaker 2: there was no way I was fucking talking to him.
Speaker 2: There's no way I was going up. So we just
Speaker 2: naturally were friends for like months and months and months
Speaker 2: later and then one thing led to another. But like,
Speaker 2: I really wasn't looking to date. And I had also
Speaker 2: just like the last three or maybe even four guys
Speaker 2: that I had like been with that I think even
Speaker 2: only two of the four were actual boyfriends, Like it
Speaker 2: was more situationships with the other ones. Like the last
Speaker 2: four guys were just like so fucking awful to me,
Speaker 2: and even the last one that I had just kind
Speaker 2: of like let go of maybe four months before I
Speaker 2: started dating Sky ruined me so much that I was
Speaker 2: like a shell of a human being that I was like,
Speaker 2: there's no way I can even try and date any
Speaker 2: I wasn't even like just hooking up with anyone. I
Speaker 2: wasn't talking to boys full stop. I was like, I
Speaker 2: just want nothing to do with them right now, and
Speaker 2: I just need to live my life. And then lumphold,
Speaker 2: the other shoe dropped there is that Sky was the
Speaker 2: other shoes on the floor. And then it just kind
Speaker 2: of like happened really naturally, and it's been really natural
Speaker 2: ever since. Like nothing's ever been forced. It's just like
Speaker 2: it's just wild. But one of the biggest things for
Speaker 2: me and the reason that I think that my relationship works,
Speaker 2: and I think it's got to do with this secureness
Speaker 2: as well, is that. And I've said this before again,
Speaker 2: sorry repeating myself, but Sky and I keep our friend
Speaker 2: groups very very separate. Do you get too with Adam, Like, like,
Speaker 2: for example, we still hang out and like if he's
Speaker 2: having a birthday party, of course, I'm there and all
Speaker 2: the friends are there, and we might have a Christmas
Speaker 2: do when the friendship groups merge. But but I go
Speaker 2: for dinner with my girls. He goes for dinner with
Speaker 2: his girls. I barely talk to his girls. I love
Speaker 2: his girls, have a good time, lovely if they happen
Speaker 2: to come over, Like if one of his girlfriends comes
Speaker 2: over and is at our house, I go, I love,
Speaker 2: how are your house work blah blah. Anyway, you two.
Speaker 1: Have fun, I'll be up twitch.
Speaker 2: Busy, go do me fortnight. But I leave them kind
Speaker 2: of b Whereas in the other relationships, I realized, you know,
Speaker 2: a couple of years into this relationship, I realized, wow,
Speaker 2: I wanted to like force the guy on my friends.
Speaker 2: I was like, Oh, we're going to dinner, my boyfriend's coming.
Speaker 2: He's amazing, you need to see him, blah blah blah.
Speaker 2: Because I almost feel like I either wanted him so
Speaker 2: ingrained in my life, Like it's almost like I was
Speaker 2: trapping him in there, like oh, you're a group. Now
Speaker 2: you're in the friend group, like do you know friends?
Speaker 2: Or I was trying to prove to my friends, Hey,
Speaker 2: look at this guy that I've got because I was
Speaker 2: so fired or fly. I was like, he could leave
Speaker 2: me at any moment. So the more ian ingrain him
Speaker 2: in my life, Like here we go, so like, oh,
Speaker 2: we've been dating for not even very long at all.
Speaker 2: We might not even be official. You're coming to the family.
Speaker 2: You're going to the family. Do it's Grandma's ninety. Yeah,
Speaker 2: he's my boyfriend. That's not even my boyfriend. Ye meet him? Yeah,
Speaker 2: So like I find that really interesting that. I think
Speaker 2: that's one of the biggest things that has helped as well,
Speaker 2: because then it gets messy once you bring the friends in,
Speaker 2: because then the friends are talking to the boyfriend as well,
Speaker 2: and they're getting a little too close for comfort. And
Speaker 2: then it's a bit messy once you break up, because
Speaker 2: then my friend's like even at the moment, one of
Speaker 2: my friends is going through a breakup, and I followed
Speaker 2: the boyfriend on Instagram, and I'm like, what do I do? Now?
Speaker 2: Do I unfollow? Because then that's a bit awkward, isn't it.
Speaker 2: I just unfollow.
Speaker 1: I know I have no interest in your life and.
Speaker 2: He barely posts anyways. Yeah, he won't notice when he
Speaker 2: does it the beach, So I need that in my life.
Speaker 2: But you've seen the beach, you know what I mean,
Speaker 2: Like it's like getting because you do want that dream
Speaker 2: of like, oh, you know, double dance, and we want
Speaker 2: everyone to be like together. I think it's so much
Speaker 2: easier to keep everything to an extent pretty separate.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so.
Speaker 3: I mean, I've I think it's different for when when
Speaker 3: when a man loves a woman.
Speaker 1: You know, I think it's different.
Speaker 5: I think.
Speaker 3: I think with queer relationships it's way harder and you
Speaker 3: have to be more intentional with it, whereas in my relationships,
Speaker 3: I've never Adam is actually the person that I've brought
Speaker 3: around most of my friends because usually I'm really embarrassed,
Speaker 3: so I've but Adam and I like, we do make
Speaker 3: a lot of effort. I guess if we're doing social
Speaker 3: things and my girlfriends invite me, I'm never going, oh,
Speaker 3: and Adam's coming. But we do have a lot of
Speaker 3: like group dinners with his group but plus me, and
Speaker 3: then my group and then plus him because a lot
Speaker 3: of my group as well is couples already.
Speaker 1: But I am trying to make an effort more in the.
Speaker 3: Past like six months, maybe a year, to be like
Speaker 3: I think because as well, like with our jobs and
Speaker 3: with your job, like you're touring, Like when we're home,
Speaker 3: we're like, fuck, we just see everyone, like we need
Speaker 3: to see everyone altogether. But I'm trying to make more
Speaker 3: of an effort to just see people one on one.
Speaker 1: Not that I don't do that.
Speaker 3: But I also feel like I don't really have like
Speaker 3: a group. I have like a group, but they're all
Speaker 3: kind of like into state. They're all kind of like Hodgepodge,
Speaker 3: a Hodgepodge group a little bit. But so yeah, we
Speaker 3: do make an effort to have like we have different
Speaker 3: have separate lives, separate friends, and that does help in
Speaker 3: not feeling like you are reliant. I've been in relationships
Speaker 3: where like my partner has like even like brought my
Speaker 3: friends over to my apartment and I go, yeah, I go,
Speaker 3: I'm working.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 1: Now I have to weirdly entertain my friend, like you aren't.
Speaker 3: You need to tell me before you do this, And
Speaker 3: so that feels that felt a little bit strange, But yeah,
Speaker 3: I feel like it's different. It's really different for queer couples.
Speaker 3: I think you have to make a real effort because
Speaker 3: it's so easy to bring in everyone together, whereas do
Speaker 3: I really want to What does he do? I mean
Speaker 3: he got he does pretty cool things. To be fair,
Speaker 3: it goes like sick gigs and stuff. I go, you
Speaker 3: go do that. I'll just have my home time and
Speaker 3: vice versa. So it's not really like a conscious thing.
Speaker 2: But that's the other thing. Time apart just as important
Speaker 2: as time together. Yeah, that's another thing. In other relationships
Speaker 2: every minute, I want to be with you every fucking minute. Now,
Speaker 2: Skuy's like I've got to go away for three days.
Speaker 2: I'm going to visit Grandma or whatever, I go have
Speaker 2: fun out and I'll be sitting.
Speaker 1: Here on the lounge. Is he trying a silo because
Speaker 1: you trust each other.
Speaker 2: It's not because I don't want him there or that
Speaker 2: he's he's not loud. He's really quiet person. But like
Speaker 2: it's it's just like it's one of those things where
Speaker 2: I go, I'm going to enjoy my time away from you,
Speaker 2: whereas other relationships I would have gone. You can't go
Speaker 2: away for three days? What do you mean I'm psycho?
Speaker 2: What do you mean go away for three days? What
Speaker 2: am I going to do? Whereas now I go, I
Speaker 2: figure that have fun.
Speaker 1: The question is are you psycho?
Speaker 2: Because you've kind of proved well that made me psycho.
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, but they made me, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: You have the tendency the psycho tendencies, for sure, we
Speaker 3: all do. But even that, it's like people are like, oh,
Speaker 3: I'm so crazy, I'm so crazy, and I get it's
Speaker 3: like and silly, but also I think the reality is
Speaker 3: when you're in a normal relationship and a healthy relationship
Speaker 3: and with someone that validates you, you don't have to beg
Speaker 3: for attention.
Speaker 1: You're not scared about them going.
Speaker 3: To do a grinder hook up or go cruising, then
Speaker 3: you're not psycho.
Speaker 1: So it actually isn't your standard gear.
Speaker 3: I guess, you know, like the whole attachment styles things,
Speaker 3: which is great and informative, well disorganized, anxious and avoidant.
Speaker 1: I can go either way, which is the worst one.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, But I haven't had to do any work
Speaker 3: on that with Adam. I've not been anxiusly touched to him.
Speaker 3: I've not been avoidant. I've been very like open with it.
Speaker 3: And it's because I think it came at the end
Speaker 3: of a really horrible time where I was at rock bottom.
Speaker 3: I had no interest in dating anyone. I was like,
Speaker 3: I'm done looking at anyone. It's ever gonna go well
Speaker 3: with anyone. I don't think I even have the capacity
Speaker 3: to be healthy, happy and healthy in a relationship.
Speaker 2: This is bad for me.
Speaker 3: I don't want to be involved in it, and I
Speaker 3: kind of blame myself. But then it was very easy
Speaker 3: to not be quote unquote psycho or anxious or avoidant
Speaker 3: when I was in a normal, happy relationship where communication
Speaker 3: was open. I think a lot of people, particularly women
Speaker 3: and queer people, like a lot of straight men aren't
Speaker 3: doing the work and investigating their fucking and attachment style
Speaker 3: are there, But a lot of people who are in
Speaker 3: relationships that the non strait cyst men are over analyzing
Speaker 3: anything like oh my god, I'm so awful, like demonizing
Speaker 3: themselves and shaming themselves or having these feelings their anxieties,
Speaker 3: when in reality, that's kind of like a normal reaction
Speaker 3: to being neglected or overly controlled or any of these things,
Speaker 3: or treated like shit or being cheated on. Previously, it's
Speaker 3: a normal reaction to be anxious about those things. So yeah,
Speaker 3: I think it's a really wonderful thing to feel really
Speaker 3: secure in the relationship and also in yourself and like
Speaker 3: you were saying that bleeds that into your friendships as well,
Speaker 3: because you go, oh, like, I actually don't deserve to
Speaker 3: be treated shit by my friends, or I can see
Speaker 3: who is good for me and who is bad for
Speaker 3: me and vice versa. And even with work, like you
Speaker 3: have like better standards with everything.
Speaker 2: It's weird because you have your own identity, yeah, which
Speaker 2: is beautiful. Respect yourself more, yeah, respect yourself more. And
Speaker 2: I definitely am way more intentional with my time, especially
Speaker 2: in my friendships and who I give my energy to.
Speaker 2: And I think that if I wasn't in a relationship
Speaker 2: like I'm in now, it would be chaos. It would
Speaker 2: be chaos, would it? Yeah? Yeah, because I'd just be chaotically.
Speaker 2: Like if I'm not getting the validation from you, I
Speaker 2: gotta find it from one of my friends who wants
Speaker 2: to hang out. What are we doing? Where are we going?
Speaker 2: What are we doing? Blah blah? Do you know what
Speaker 2: I mean?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: And I just feel so at peace.
Speaker 1: That's so nice. Yeah, So why isn't that wonderful?
Speaker 2: Isn't it nice?
Speaker 3: I think for anyone listening, it's like, if in a
Speaker 3: relationship where you don't feel at peace, I think it's
Speaker 3: definitely worth interrogating, even if it isn't like I think
Speaker 3: a lot of people like are saying, I think it's
Speaker 3: either abusive or it's healthy. And sometimes I see a
Speaker 3: lot of people I have a lot of friends and
Speaker 3: in relationships, but they're nice enough, they're nice, yeah, but
Speaker 3: this person is not fulfilled. And that minimization of their
Speaker 3: self esteem isn't necessarily because a person's being mean to
Speaker 3: them or awful to them. It's because they know this
Speaker 3: is in the relationship they want. Even those things can
Speaker 3: erode your self esteem. And I feel like if you're
Speaker 3: feeling that way, or if you're feeling like this is
Speaker 3: all I can get or I can all I deserve,
Speaker 3: then it's time to get out. Because if you're bargaining
Speaker 3: with yourself, I'm sure you've had that. We're like, well
Speaker 3: this is well, there we are, this is all I
Speaker 3: can get, this is what's available to me for now.
Speaker 2: And too hard, too hard to end this and start again?
Speaker 2: Like too hard? Too hard?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, get out. It's not too hard. It actually
Speaker 3: is very very easy. And in fact, I think as well,
Speaker 3: it's very easy for us to go and then you
Speaker 3: know the right person will come along eventually, which is like,
Speaker 3: maybe they won't, but you'd be happier alone and find
Speaker 3: the validation in yourself if you. I think it would
Speaker 3: be a really big self esteem booster to leave a
Speaker 3: bad relationship. It usually is if you have the right
Speaker 3: support system, if you have the right perspective on it,
Speaker 3: if you're able to like self reflect and channel and
Speaker 3: do all these things. It actually is good for your
Speaker 3: self esteem to leave something, whether it's a job or
Speaker 3: a friendship or relationship that isn't serving you, because then
Speaker 3: you are actually respecting yourself in that action. That can
Speaker 3: be the start of your journey away from the awfulness.
Speaker 2: Beautiful, Thank you so much.
Speaker 3: Should write a book Wow Well coming out soon, see
Speaker 3: how it goes on that.
Speaker 2: I think that's a really nice note to end this
Speaker 2: beautiful little Close Friends episode. Thank you for getting a
Speaker 2: little bit more vulnerable with us. I hope you enjoyed
Speaker 2: Scrollers having Abby Chatfield on the podcast. We'll have all
Speaker 2: Abby's links down below so you can go on keep
Speaker 2: up to day. But I'm sure your fucking knows already.
Speaker 2: Like the same thing with Christian last week, I was like,
Speaker 2: everyone already knows Christian is like I don't know why
Speaker 2: we're trying to give you prima. You sort of dull.
Speaker 2: You're fine. I love it, and stay tuned for Abby's book.
Speaker 2: We're going to get Abby back on High Scrollers when
Speaker 2: the book comes out, and we'll talk all about what's
Speaker 2: in the book, what we're doing in the book. You know,
Speaker 2: the little press to it you'll do. I want to
Speaker 2: have it because genuinely, these two episodes we just recorded,
Speaker 2: I'm like, you are dream podcast. Like we we didn't
Speaker 2: take a break once like sometimes you have a guest,
Speaker 2: we just take a quick break clock of like Okay,
Speaker 2: what are we gonna talk about next? Like coot just
Speaker 2: fucking food.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I fucking love you.
Speaker 3: Thanks Ammy. I was so excited to do. I never
Speaker 3: go on podcasting and promoting something and look at this.
Speaker 2: Yeah you don't charity work for Thank you?
Speaker 1: You know, see you.
Speaker 2: That's got a good I wanted to see because you know,
Speaker 2: we were having a hard Scrollers loneliness just sorted that
Speaker 2: for I was.
Speaker 1: Just trying to say that I love talking to it.
Speaker 1: I think you wonderful. So I was excited to see
Speaker 1: you have.
Speaker 2: Your chatfield love scrollers, not all scrollers. We'll see you,
Speaker 2: next Tuesday. Love you,