Speaker 1: Get up off for that damn House and Donald somebody
Speaker 1: lo it's Melan wanted that song. I don't know the words,
Speaker 1: but it reminds me of Allen DeGeneres, Get up up that.
Speaker 2: It's one of those songs like you know, but you
Speaker 2: don't know who sings it, you don't know what it's called.
Speaker 2: I don't know the words.
Speaker 1: What goes after that?
Speaker 2: I automatically sort of go to sex Machine by James Brown,
Speaker 2: but it's not.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's not.
Speaker 2: I don't think it's a.
Speaker 1: Sex a machine.
Speaker 2: If you know, get in touch let us know.
Speaker 1: Hi everyone, it is Melan Monte. Thanks for joining us
Speaker 1: on this glorious jay as we podcast into your earballs
Speaker 1: if you knew, thanks for listening. If you're an oldie,
Speaker 1: just bloody love you. Thanks so much. So I woke
Speaker 1: up Saturday morning with a tingle on the lip. No
Speaker 1: one likes a tingle on the lip.
Speaker 2: No one?
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you're right, no one likes a tingle on
Speaker 1: the lip. And then I touch the lip and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's saw. So I get out of bed and race
Speaker 1: straight to the chemists because I'm that vain and I
Speaker 1: know what that means. That tingle and I'm like, I
Speaker 1: need that coalsaw tablet that you take to stop them
Speaker 1: coming on. Anyway, I took it straight away and one's
Speaker 1: come up on my lip on the right side of
Speaker 1: my mouth. And I am one of those people that
Speaker 1: is a teller. Yes, do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: So everyone, I say, I'm like, oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2: Of course, I know, because you feel like it's like
Speaker 2: a planet on your lip.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. It's because also, coal saws are so
Speaker 1: disgusting and they're so contagious, and I haven't had one
Speaker 1: in literally like fifteen years. Yeah. So now I've got one,
Speaker 1: and I can tell people are seeing it and in
Speaker 1: their head they're like colesaw, coal saw. And so I
Speaker 1: also hug and kiss people when I see them. Yes,
Speaker 1: so I am now having to go, oh, go to
Speaker 1: the other side. I say, I'll go to the other
Speaker 1: side because I don't want to get you with my coalsaw.
Speaker 2: I how are those people that just don't even like
Speaker 2: hide the fact they're looking at it.
Speaker 1: They're not even to screen. If you just stare right
Speaker 1: at it, you honestly can't look at this and like
Speaker 1: it's just standing out like dogs balls can you hear that?
Speaker 1: That's Sam calling. I'm gonna hang up on him.
Speaker 2: Do you have to get it? Nah?
Speaker 1: Later. But also some people are not talents, do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? You're either a teller or you're
Speaker 1: just a dealer, and you just have something on your
Speaker 1: face and you don't acknowledge it to anyone where. I'm like,
Speaker 1: if I've gone and had a treatment, be like and red,
Speaker 1: Oh I've just had a treatment, Like I have to
Speaker 1: explain it.
Speaker 2: It's because you're so self conscious. Remember I told you
Speaker 2: when I had Bell's palsy, right, I remember opening the
Speaker 2: door to get a package and Paul Bastard was just
Speaker 2: wanted to give me my package, and I said, sorry,
Speaker 2: I know my face looks funny, but I've got Bell's palsy.
Speaker 2: And He's like, I don't fucking care, lady, just sign here, please.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's so funny. God, it's so funny.
Speaker 1: But it also a call saw is just a sign
Speaker 1: of going, I'm really run down and not coping at
Speaker 1: the moment. Like it's yes, so obvious when you've got
Speaker 1: a coal saw that, oh you're a stress Look at
Speaker 1: that stress ed.
Speaker 2: It's like your body's rebelling it is. We know what
Speaker 2: we can do to make your stress even better. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you make you look not that you do, because I
Speaker 2: couldn't even tell it.
Speaker 1: No, you can. You can see it now for sure
Speaker 1: you can. Sounds like it just looks like a scab
Speaker 1: on your lip. I'm like, brilliant, that's just exactly that's
Speaker 1: a look I'm after. Mate, It's exactly what I'm after.
Speaker 2: If I didn't know you and I was meeting you
Speaker 2: for the first time, looking at you here, it looks
Speaker 2: like you've had a little mole on it.
Speaker 1: Okay, bit Claudia know what was her name?
Speaker 2: Cindy Crawford with the names again, fucking the names up.
Speaker 1: Speaking of celebrit eyes from Cindy crawftin to Drew Barrymore.
Speaker 1: We always have a bit of beef with Drew, like
Speaker 1: often send videos because she's so cringe worthy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and She's We've talked about like when I see
Speaker 2: her joy that feels performative or whatever. It makes me.
Speaker 2: I hate it, But maybe I hate it because I
Speaker 2: envy it because I'm quite negative.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's We turned on her when she got the
Speaker 1: camera when it was raining outside and took the camera
Speaker 1: outside and started crying into it because she was having
Speaker 1: so much joy. Yeah, And it's like yeah, and then
Speaker 1: didn't she cry when she was knocking a hole into
Speaker 1: her kitchen? And it's I just can't handle people grabbing
Speaker 1: cameras when they're crying. But also with her talk show,
Speaker 1: she's all up in people's grill, like no one's business,
Speaker 1: like the touching, the tactileness, which I get because I'm
Speaker 1: quite tactole too when I touch people when I talk.
Speaker 1: But it's too much.
Speaker 2: It is too much. There's guests you can visibly see
Speaker 2: they're uncomfortable. It's like she doesn't read it. She can't read. Oh,
Speaker 2: I don't want to hold your hand. I'm just here
Speaker 2: to tell my fucking story and she's holding the hand.
Speaker 2: I've seen her go out and talk to guests. She'll
Speaker 2: get on their lap and hug them and get so
Speaker 2: close to their face. And again this becomes a breath issue.
Speaker 1: It's a breadth thing for me. Would be so uncomfortable
Speaker 1: hate close talkers because I'm like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: smell your breath. I don't want you to smell mine, like,
Speaker 1: and so I can't concentrate when people are too close
Speaker 1: to me for that exact reason. But also there's that
Speaker 1: footage of Oprah when Oprah was on the count with
Speaker 1: her and she's holding Oprah's hand and Oprah's hands literally
Speaker 1: has spread her fingers like let go, and she just
Speaker 1: kept holding them and it was so mortifying, I know.
Speaker 2: Or she gave her like a little pat, you know,
Speaker 2: like enough now, you know, like when someone's giving you
Speaker 2: a hug and then you past the back get off. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So she has though acknowledged she that this is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she's come out so obviously people have said it.
Speaker 2: Maybe she's had some guest feedback. Maybe she's reading online
Speaker 2: forums where people are saying exactly what we're saying.
Speaker 1: Of course they would because she's actually known for it
Speaker 1: because sometimes guests are on there and when she touched them,
Speaker 1: she's like, oh, I was like, if Drew doesn't touch me,
Speaker 1: this isn't gonna go well.
Speaker 2: In an interview with Entertainment Tonight, she explained that she
Speaker 2: will try to practice physical discs stance in the upcoming
Speaker 2: season of her talk show. This is from ten play
Speaker 2: dot Comtreve You Barrymore is known for sitting right next
Speaker 2: to or holding the hands of celebrity guests she has
Speaker 2: on her talk show, which she's been slammed for on
Speaker 2: social media, And I'm like, this is probably looking into
Speaker 2: it way too much. But it's like, imagine that was
Speaker 2: a male host. Yes, imagine that exact thing, but a
Speaker 2: male host coming up to it, a guest putting your
Speaker 2: hand on her.
Speaker 1: Sitting on her, Yeah, just rubbing the leg. The cand
Speaker 1: always on a leg. You can imagine it was a
Speaker 1: male host hand just constantly on a female's leg or
Speaker 1: the male leg or you're right. It's so funny when
Speaker 1: you stop. The sex is over, isn't it.
Speaker 2: This has just brought to mind this list I saw.
Speaker 2: I'm so into Redded at the moment, I can't even
Speaker 2: tell you.
Speaker 1: But really, I've never understood read it.
Speaker 2: Never. We will do an episode where I'm going to
Speaker 2: deep dive into something. One of the questions was, what's
Speaker 2: something socially acceptable for one gender but not the other.
Speaker 2: This is very black and white, male female, don't mean
Speaker 2: to offend anybody. That's fine, Okay, visible toes at a
Speaker 2: formal event. You think of a woman at a wedding
Speaker 2: or something and she's got strappy shoes on your CEO toes.
Speaker 2: Imagine a guy rocking up with like some sort of
Speaker 2: peep toe loafer.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's so good.
Speaker 2: There's so many good ones. Okay, going to the toilet together.
Speaker 2: If guys do it, they're sniffing coke, yes or touching cox.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hands down.
Speaker 2: One can have their shirt off. The other one can't,
Speaker 2: of course.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that one annoys me.
Speaker 2: This one's really good. Affection towards children, especially children we're
Speaker 2: not related to. I can talk to small children, laugh
Speaker 2: with them, pinch your cheek, et cetera, because it's more
Speaker 2: socially acceptable because I'm a woman.
Speaker 1: It's so true because we were overseas somewhere where it's
Speaker 1: very different. I forget, I forget where we were, but
Speaker 1: the men were wanting to pick up the baby. And
Speaker 1: I think even been Balwie where the men were like
Speaker 1: way more affectionate with the kids. And I noticed it.
Speaker 1: I was like, this is actually really nice. There's not
Speaker 1: that they don't have that stigma where it's like, no,
Speaker 1: men can't play with kids because it's fucking pedophile behavior.
Speaker 1: But for a man has to constantly be conscious. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just the difference there is huge. But I like
Speaker 1: the open toe. One's the best.
Speaker 2: This last one. As a former bartender being grabby everyone says,
Speaker 2: men are overly forward drunk middle aged women. I've had
Speaker 2: women grab my junk in front of God and Country
Speaker 2: and everyone laughs it off. If I did that, I'd
Speaker 2: be in the hospital or prison.
Speaker 1: Very true, so true, think of me women women at
Speaker 1: the strippers. That's another one, like if men touched the
Speaker 1: strippers like women do, like Princes of the Night was
Speaker 1: a Malboeth short Crown and I went a couple of times,
Speaker 1: and those men were so sexually objectified by these women,
Speaker 1: very physically.
Speaker 2: My sister was at a hen's night once and she
Speaker 2: told me that it was one of those like remember
Speaker 2: Crystal Teas in Brunswick. It was like this dingy anyway,
Speaker 2: but one of the guys had stripped down and he
Speaker 2: had like a towel around him, and he had the
Speaker 2: hen up there with him, and she she got down
Speaker 2: on her knees and they were mucking around and stuff.
Speaker 2: So he put her head sort of towards his crutch
Speaker 2: and then covered it with the towel like so she
Speaker 2: was under there and then all of a sudden they're
Speaker 2: all looking and he's sort of moving back, like moving
Speaker 2: his hips back, like something weird was happening. She put
Speaker 2: his dick in her man like imagine, imagine they'd have
Speaker 2: to do something horny Desperate Housewives.
Speaker 1: I remember the first time I went though, I got
Speaker 1: under the spell. I was like, oh my god, this
Speaker 1: is amazing. I've told this story before. But when we
Speaker 1: went for one of my friend's hands, she ended up
Speaker 1: sucking the stripper. I mean, that's hot, although not that
Speaker 1: it was a hen No, it was full on. This
Speaker 1: was like a proper strippers where you got like, it's
Speaker 1: still foul anyway after it that would like really sexy
Speaker 1: dancy on the dance from We were like, that's funny,
Speaker 1: and then we're like this is going too far now
Speaker 1: and we were trying to prior away. Ended up not
Speaker 1: that night sleeping with him, but ended up breaking up
Speaker 1: her marriage. And the first guy she slept with was
Speaker 1: the stripper. Yeah, she shouldn't have been walking down the aisle.
Speaker 1: Like as she was walking down the aisle, she said,
Speaker 1: I wonder what so and so is doing talking about
Speaker 1: the strooper.
Speaker 2: Well that's a bit of a red flag.
Speaker 1: Oh so you couldn't have written it though. It's like
Speaker 1: we're on a hens and the Hennies fan the stripper.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, imagine how many girls they'd pulled though,
Speaker 1: those strippers.
Speaker 2: Oh mate, Because it's like the one. They are the
Speaker 2: one in a room full of women in a room
Speaker 2: full of men, and everyone wants to get their.
Speaker 1: Attend even if they're not that hot. It becomes the
Speaker 1: law of relativity or that is called you know where
Speaker 1: it's like, well, that's just the one in the room. Nah,
Speaker 1: he's hot, because we've got no one else to base
Speaker 1: like compare with, so this one will do.
Speaker 2: And it's also the dancing element.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is nice when a guy can dance. Here's
Speaker 1: something else that is hectic is gen Z.
Speaker 2: We have spoken about this briefly, maybe a couple of
Speaker 2: years ago, but it's come up again, this concept of
Speaker 2: females gen z wanting to start free bleeding, which means
Speaker 2: you just decide that when you have your period, you
Speaker 2: don't use a tampon and you don't use a pad.
Speaker 2: You're just gonna let the let the blood run free.
Speaker 2: So when.
Speaker 1: Yuck, did we talk about the other week let the
Speaker 1: blood run free? Yeah?
Speaker 2: We did.
Speaker 1: Oh fuck, I'm such a great show. That's fucked up.
Speaker 2: It's disgusting that is fucked up in just the most
Speaker 2: basic way that if I was sitting with someone and
Speaker 2: they had a blood nose and their blood was running everywhere,
Speaker 2: I would not be comfortable with them not plugging that
Speaker 2: nose up. Yeah, stop the bleeding. Blood is you know,
Speaker 2: diseases are carried in blood, and I don't want to
Speaker 2: touch anyone's blood but my own.
Speaker 1: I don't want to. I don't want to see your
Speaker 1: blood on your panties. I don't want to see it
Speaker 1: through your jeans. And then also, you know what if
Speaker 1: somebody said something like, oh, excuse me, just saying you
Speaker 1: know you've leaped, and the woman's like, yeah, I know,
Speaker 1: I'm free bleeding, I'd be like, you're dick.
Speaker 2: Yeah I know. I'd say, Okay, we'll bring a towel
Speaker 2: with you or something. Because if the next person's going
Speaker 2: to sit on that chair that all your blood's on.
Speaker 1: Like you're turning me off my coffee.
Speaker 2: It doesn't even matter that the blood's from your vagina.
Speaker 2: It matters that there's blood.
Speaker 1: You're just visible blood. Like it's just if somebody's got
Speaker 1: like a nick on their arm, you know how like
Speaker 1: old the people. Their skin becomes like crepe paper and
Speaker 1: they get nicks on their arm and everything. And even
Speaker 1: when they cover it up and it seeps through the
Speaker 1: band aid, I find that, Like, Yakia, I don't like that.
Speaker 2: Just the band aid.
Speaker 1: Yeah, a band aid with blood seeped through is so nasty,
Speaker 1: isn't it.
Speaker 2: And it's just like it's been on there too long
Speaker 2: and it's starting to like flap up a little bit
Speaker 2: on the.
Speaker 1: Shot or just a tiny flap at the side. Yuck.
Speaker 1: My son, my three year old, is obsessed with band aids, Like,
Speaker 1: if I want half hour, I'll give him a thing
Speaker 1: of band aids and he'll just peel off the band
Speaker 1: aids and stick them around on himself, on himself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I've got ours, will stick them all over his toes.
Speaker 1: So then he's got like bloody witch's feet from them
Speaker 1: from the band aids. He loves it.
Speaker 2: Wait till he starts growing hair. That'll change him.
Speaker 1: Also, he's three and a half. We've never done swimming lessons.
Speaker 1: This is my secret parent shame. Oh my god, let's
Speaker 1: do this. Please. If you've got a secret parent shame,
Speaker 1: can you please send us an Instagram message Show and
Speaker 1: tell onlines where you can find us. Because my first
Speaker 1: two were in the pool when they were fetuses, which
Speaker 1: I also for the second one, was like, this is ridiculous,
Speaker 1: So let's wait until he's about two and get him
Speaker 1: in the pool. Then yeah, notus is three and a
Speaker 1: half and he cannot swim.
Speaker 2: I think swimming lessons are important. However, there are punish Ah,
Speaker 2: there's such a punish And my main thing is, yes,
Speaker 2: ideally you want him to be strong swimmers, great, but
Speaker 2: I'm like, if you can just keep your head above water,
Speaker 2: I'm I'm happy with that aim.
Speaker 1: Like with backs, I'm like, you're not giving up swimming
Speaker 1: lessons until you can do it at least ten laps of
Speaker 1: each stroke. No aughed consistently with Odie. Now I'm like,
Speaker 1: just drownproof him. I just want him drownproofed. Yeah, but
Speaker 1: so I booked him in. I'm like, Sam, can you
Speaker 1: start taking it's we've been busy, it's been a hectic
Speaker 1: few years and the third kid You're like whatever, But
Speaker 1: I'm like, we've got to start taking him now because
Speaker 1: I'm like, you see other kids and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: they're swimming like he could not if he if I
Speaker 1: chucked him in a pool, he'd be a rock, he'd
Speaker 1: be a break.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think you've got like I'll just say, yes,
Speaker 2: of course it's important your kids learn to swim, but
Speaker 2: he's three. You're not going to have him in a
Speaker 2: situation where he's unsupervised around water, not, do you know
Speaker 2: what I mean?
Speaker 1: I also think like our old house, we had a pool,
Speaker 1: and I was like, well, he's going to be in
Speaker 1: the pool so much with us, he's gonna learn to swim,
Speaker 1: and then I'll take him to swimming lessons. And then
Speaker 1: we moved to a place with no pool. So it's
Speaker 1: not you know, because as a kid I didn't do
Speaker 1: swimming lessons. We had a pool, so we were constantly
Speaker 1: in the pool, and we got really good around pools.
Speaker 1: We learned to swim, and I was like, that's what's
Speaker 1: going to happen with him. But because it hasn't and
Speaker 1: a year's gone by, I'm like, Fuck, this kid's going
Speaker 1: to be sixteen before he's learned how to swim.
Speaker 2: You know, it's so funny you bring that up. I
Speaker 2: was thinking the other day how the older I'm getting,
Speaker 2: the more selfish I'm getting as a parent. I'm like, what,
Speaker 2: I'm same, You're like, I think if I had heard
Speaker 2: this is where like judgmental opinions shouldn't really judge until
Speaker 2: you're in it. But like, my daughter is sixteen now,
Speaker 2: she's studying. She's gonna go get her learners. It's amazing,
Speaker 2: it's amazing. But I don't want to do the I
Speaker 2: don't want to do the driving because it's not in
Speaker 2: my nature to do that anyway, Like I would make
Speaker 2: her so anxious.
Speaker 1: Stop. Yeah, you'd be awful at that.
Speaker 2: But even like, it's my son's birthday on Monday, and
Speaker 2: he says, on Sunday, can we go to the zoo?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Fucking I can't tell you how much I hate the zoo.
Speaker 1: That's so cute. He still wants to go.
Speaker 2: He wants to go to the zoo. Can we go
Speaker 2: the four of us to the zoo and the four
Speaker 2: of you two not even a friend? He just wants
Speaker 2: to just the four of us. No, But this is
Speaker 2: another thing. So there's the zoo thing. I'm trying to
Speaker 2: say something else. Do you want to do something else? Na,
Speaker 2: I really like to go to the zoo.
Speaker 1: Not the local. Why don't we just go to the local.
Speaker 2: Mall, even if he said he wants to go go
Speaker 2: karting or something. But the zoo. I've never liked the zoo.
Speaker 2: I don't like the smell. I don't like the crowds.
Speaker 2: I don't like the waiting in line to look at
Speaker 2: an animal that is trapped and you can't even see
Speaker 2: it properly anyway. The food's shit. I just I really
Speaker 2: hate this way, but I really hate the zoo. Look,
Speaker 2: I'll go if you wants to go. But I also
Speaker 2: every year, like I don't have people over often because
Speaker 2: I'm not an entertainer. I don't enjoy it right, fair enough,
Speaker 2: But every year I have our family over for our kids' birthdays, right,
Speaker 2: and it's a lot of people. It ends up being
Speaker 2: about twenty five people all up.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 2: I said to Mark, I don't want to do it
Speaker 2: this year. I don't have it in me to do it.
Speaker 2: I really don't want it. I said, I feel like
Speaker 2: I can't cope with it this year because he goes.
Speaker 2: But we'll just get pizzas and stuff. And I said,
Speaker 2: for you, it's just getting pizzas. For me, it's having
Speaker 2: to make sure everything's clean. You know, if I've got
Speaker 2: shit in my Like I call it the apartment. There's
Speaker 2: a room I've got downstairs where I work and stuff.
Speaker 2: I've got fucking ironing and shit all piled in there.
Speaker 2: And I'm like, it's a whole thing.
Speaker 1: It's another thing. It's also just having people in your space.
Speaker 1: When you're a capacity, having people in your space, you
Speaker 1: still got to make sure everyone's okay, everyone's got to drink,
Speaker 1: everyone happy, Like it's on you. You're the host, even if
Speaker 1: it's just pizza.
Speaker 2: I know, what are you gonna do? I mean, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna I'm gonna end up having it, I know it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, twenty five people is a lot of people
Speaker 1: for an immediate party. That means that do you go
Speaker 1: to somebody's house for all twenty five of those people?
Speaker 2: No? Well some of them are like say, for example,
Speaker 2: Mark's auntie. She did it with her kids, but now
Speaker 2: her kids are older, so she doesn't do it anymore.
Speaker 2: But we just kept it going.
Speaker 1: Fuel because go on, get to like twenty five birthday
Speaker 1: parties every year. Do you know what I mean? If
Speaker 1: if you had to then go reciprocate and go back
Speaker 1: to their house, Oh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, it's just my it's just my niece and nephews. Really.
Speaker 2: Everyone else is like, you know, older kids or whatever,
Speaker 2: they don't do it anymore. But I'm just like, I
Speaker 2: just can't be bothered. And his he fucking wants every attention.
Speaker 2: He wants everyone there, he wants the singing, he wants
Speaker 2: all that, and I'm.
Speaker 1: Like, he wants the singing. This is this isn't embarrassing
Speaker 1: for no reason. What the fuck are you meant to
Speaker 1: do when people sing Happy Birthday? What do you do? Like?
Speaker 1: I just kind of like have I sing along and
Speaker 1: like sway my head and my hips.
Speaker 2: I look down at the cake.
Speaker 1: Do you know that that's even more uncomfortable. There is
Speaker 1: no one that is really comfortable having Happy Birthday sung
Speaker 1: to them, nobody.
Speaker 2: I told you my daughter's fifteenth birthday. She came up
Speaker 2: to me and she said, Mum, I don't want the
Speaker 2: happy birthday song. And I said, you know what, the
Speaker 2: happy birthday? Ye don't worry about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no, it's too much that attention of happy birthday
Speaker 1: to you and everyone looking at you. But even people
Speaker 1: singing it get awkward too, So sometimes they just stare
Speaker 1: at the cake like no one's comfortable.
Speaker 2: Eye it's the worst, the worst.
Speaker 1: That's so good. All right, we're going to get out
Speaker 1: of here everyone. Thanks for listening. Hit us up on
Speaker 1: our social show and Tell online is where you can
Speaker 1: find us. Hit us up with yours secret parent shame please.
Speaker 1: Malsan is fucking hating Zoo clearly, and mine is that
Speaker 1: my kid who's known four can't swim. And also to
Speaker 1: our patrons, thank you. You get an extra one every couple
Speaker 1: of weeks, so there. Patreon dot com forward slash chantal
Speaker 1: is our website for that, and we'll chat to you soon.
Speaker 1: Lond yous babe,