WEBVTT - #1982 Dr. Cam's Dark Alley - Dr. Cam McDonald 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:02.680 I got atenments you projects. It's Tiffany and cooking. It's 0:00:02.720 --> 0:00:05.440 doctor Cam McDonald coming at you live from bloody Well 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:09.760 to us live from Queensland, looking like some kind of 0:00:10.320 --> 0:00:14.760 covert operative who's just about to, I don't know, go 0:00:14.800 --> 0:00:18.720 and execute somebody or assassinate somebody. He's in a back alley. 0:00:18.800 --> 0:00:21.000 I'm not even joking. It looks like a back alley. 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.919 He's got a hoodie on, tiff Can you describe what 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:26.960 I can see for our listeners, perhaps with some more 0:00:27.960 --> 0:00:28.800 I don't know color. 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:32.520 It looks like some sort of rambunctious, troubled youth that's 0:00:32.600 --> 0:00:38.440 up to no good, not at all, don't Yeah. 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:39.920 Well, why don't you tell us where you are and why? 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:42.360 When you first started, I thought you were in your 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:45.320 mum's buddy cupboard or something. But then I saw a 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:47.600 bit of sunlight coming scrop. Where are you and why 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:48.240 are you there? 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:53.479 I like, I started making some very strange sounds on 0:00:53.560 --> 0:00:56.440 Friday m so I had to go take it into 0:00:56.480 --> 0:01:02.280 the service mechanic, and I also had an appointment down 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:06.080 at the Gold Coast, and fortunately there's a train station 0:01:06.200 --> 0:01:08.240 right next to the mechanics, So two hours later I'm 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.760 in Rabina Town Center. I've got Harps's podcast that's on. 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:14.960 I'm currently standing next to a three twenty. 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:17.559 Four to seven parcel locker because it's the quietest place 0:01:17.560 --> 0:01:19.120 that I could find, near the car park, near the 0:01:19.160 --> 0:01:21.800 bus station where I got off. This is how we're 0:01:21.840 --> 0:01:22.160 doing it. 0:01:22.600 --> 0:01:26.160 This is this is high level. But you know, here's 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:29.920 the thing, as you quite rightly said, and you're fucking around, 0:01:29.959 --> 0:01:33.000 but you're probably half right. You're like, nah, And I said, 0:01:33.040 --> 0:01:34.880 are you okay to do this? Don't? And you went, yeah, 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:37.039 of course, I'm good. I was born for this. And 0:01:37.560 --> 0:01:40.240 isn't it so funny? How or so interesting? I guess 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:43.720 is a better word that in the middle of what's 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:48.280 obviously not an ideal situational circumstance where you could quite 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:52.360 easily be distracted and perhaps I don't know, not want 0:01:52.400 --> 0:01:54.080 to do it, you go, well, fuck, all I'm doing 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.000 is talking, So how hard can it be. It's just 0:01:57.040 --> 0:02:00.400 in a slightly albeit not ideal situation. 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:05.160 Well, I mean, you know, I can talk in dark alleys, 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:06.280 I can talk in front of people. 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:07.800 I prefer talking and dark alleys. 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:10.760 Actually it feels like it's more important. And I keep 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:13.080 taking my head around the corner just to look a 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:15.680 little bit, you know, look like I'm up to no good. 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:17.760 But really we're trying to save the world here with 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:19.320 this content. That's the irony of it. 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:23.399 So when you learn launch your personal podcast, you can 0:02:23.440 --> 0:02:25.880 call it the Dark Alley with Doctor Cammick. 0:02:27.120 --> 0:02:28.040 Into the depths. 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:32.280 Yeah, we go where the others don't. That'd be good, 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:35.840 that'd be good. Yeah, tif, how are you? 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:38.440 I'm really good. I'm really good, smarty. 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:41.840 When Monday you just went and had your shit rubbed 0:02:41.840 --> 0:02:42.720 by a bloke. 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:45.760 It was the best? Yep, thank you. 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:48.840 Do you know what I find funny about massages? People 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:50.799 tend to love it or hate it. Like a lot 0:02:50.800 --> 0:02:53.160 of people like, oh fuck, I hate people touching me. 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:57.080 I hate massage. I hate hands on my body. And 0:02:57.120 --> 0:03:00.400 then other people are like, oh yeah, Like I love massage. 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:03.520 I'm a bit of a massage slut. I used to 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:07.600 have one every week for like years. I'm like, oh yeah, 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:09.280 and I haven't had one for a while, so I 0:03:09.320 --> 0:03:16.080 assumed maybely I should get some speech therapy and a massage. 0:03:17.680 --> 0:03:19.239 Are you a massage person? Camp? 0:03:19.400 --> 0:03:22.120 I love a massage. I have to say, though, if 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:24.359 I leave it for longer than three or four months. 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:26.120 I don't want to go back because I just know 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:28.760 how painful it's going to be unwinding the things that 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:30.839 I've wound up, you know what I mean. 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.799 So if you're getting a regular one, I'm right. 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:34.360 Into that, but. 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:38.680 I don't, so I'm scared of the most of the time. 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:42.280 It's so funny, you know how we say, among other things, 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:44.839 that emotion lives in the body and all that. One 0:03:44.880 --> 0:03:46.560 of my not that I've seen this person for a 0:03:46.560 --> 0:03:49.440 long time, but made of mine, was a masser. He 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:52.920 is a massure and he would say to me, at 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:56.480 least once a day, someone that is massaging cries, and 0:03:56.520 --> 0:04:01.520 sometimes out of control crying just because not because they're 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:04.840 having a chat about anything, not because he pushed some 0:04:04.960 --> 0:04:08.360 kind of emotional button. But it's just when I don't 0:04:08.360 --> 0:04:11.120 know what it is. Everything's I'm sure you can explain 0:04:11.200 --> 0:04:14.960 the physiology and the psychology doctor can, but there's something 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:19.120 goes on where there's some kind of psychological emotional, physiological 0:04:19.200 --> 0:04:23.360 release and people just go on and even they don't 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:25.839 know what's going on, but it happens right. 0:04:27.520 --> 0:04:29.279 One hundred percent. I'd have to say that. 0:04:30.800 --> 0:04:32.760 I've had the fortune of being exposed to lots of 0:04:32.800 --> 0:04:36.919 weird and wonderful things in my life. It's if you 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:42.400 were talking to a very conventional doctor, they probably wouldn't 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:45.880 recognize it, and that's okay. But being in the world 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:48.120 that I have, sort of mixing between both of those 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:51.840 worlds without a doubt, And if we were to get 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:54.960 down to it, if you have a stress response, a 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:58.000 lot of that feeds into your fashion. There's a tension 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:03.559 in your fashion, there's nervous system active, there's even physiological changes, 0:05:03.640 --> 0:05:08.280 organ changes and uh and well one hundred percent. There 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:11.560 seems to be regions of the body that are associated 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:15.320 with different emotional responses and different things that you go through. 0:05:15.960 --> 0:05:18.680 And I believe the link for us, if we were 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:21.159 to investigate that further, would be in the fashia. 0:05:21.720 --> 0:05:25.600 Yeah, fascinating tip. Have you ever felt like balling while 0:05:25.600 --> 0:05:27.640 someone's rubbing your ass or your hamstrings? 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:30.480 Not in the massive ads, but definitely in yoga. That's 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:34.200 happened to me twice, which is I guess similar like 0:05:34.279 --> 0:05:38.720 those back bends. They get right in there really, yeah, 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:41.320 because it really opens up the front of your body, 0:05:41.320 --> 0:05:43.839 which I believe or maybe it's your hips or something, 0:05:44.560 --> 0:05:48.120 and that's where a lot of your emotions are stored. Twice, 0:05:48.160 --> 0:05:52.680 I've had an unexpected massive emotional breakdown in the middle 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:53.880 of the yoga class. 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:57.280 And did you what did you do? Did you try 0:05:57.320 --> 0:05:59.680 and fight it like a little fighter, or did you 0:05:59.760 --> 0:06:02.280 just I can go with it. Dr Luk at Doctor Cam, 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:04.560 he's looking over his should he's about to get attacked. 0:06:05.040 --> 0:06:07.360 Can you please not die in the middle of the podcast? 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:11.240 In fact, don't die in general, but really fuck up 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:15.479 the show if you know you capitulated midcomb, especially once 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:18.159 we're in. If you're going to die, die soon or 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:20.960 just after the show. 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:25.440 Thank you. I'll tell the hoodlums. 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:27.880 Don't die it or we love you, go and tiv Sorry. 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:30.960 Actually just remembered three times happened. First time was many 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:33.320 many years ago in a Bickram yoga class. First something 0:06:33.400 --> 0:06:37.120 ever happened, and that was quite overwhelming, and I ended 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:39.120 up rushing out of the class, which is against the 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:41.560 rules in Bickerm yoga. It's like it's totty here. You're 0:06:41.600 --> 0:06:42.960 locked in. Nobody leaves. 0:06:43.240 --> 0:06:44.160 Yeah, that's right I did. 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:48.880 Second time was after I lost coaching my last whippet 0:06:49.040 --> 0:06:50.800 and I was in a yoga class. I stayed in 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:53.520 there and just sobbed on the mat. That was beautiful. 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.919 And the third time was in India when we recently 0:06:56.960 --> 0:07:00.839 went and Jem's partner she takes and we were doing 0:07:00.880 --> 0:07:04.400 some pilates and backbends, and it was after our first 0:07:04.520 --> 0:07:08.440 night there of all sharing our stories quite deeply and vulnerably, 0:07:08.680 --> 0:07:13.280 and again the little backbend and next minute just sobbing 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:14.280 on the mat. 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:18.200 I wonder what that's about, that particular movement for you? 0:07:19.480 --> 0:07:21.960 And did you when when you had it in the 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:27.640 yoga studio after was it coach? When Coach died? 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:28.520 Did you? 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.120 Did you? Did you just fucking let it all out? 0:07:32.240 --> 0:07:34.320 And did anyone come up and go? Are you okay? 0:07:34.920 --> 0:07:37.840 They're very like I was. Well. I went with a 0:07:37.880 --> 0:07:40.480 client of mine, a friend and client, and she had 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:44.360 said to the yoga teacher had ran into her walking 0:07:44.440 --> 0:07:47.000 coach once so that she had told her that I 0:07:47.120 --> 0:07:48.960 was coming and I was probably gonna be quite upset 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:52.640 because I've lost that little doggie. And so you know, 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:55.800 people just they hold space. That's beautiful like that and 0:07:55.800 --> 0:07:58.400 everyone understands. And I wasn't loud. I was just you 0:07:58.440 --> 0:08:01.040 could hear me sniffing and sobby and oh this is 0:08:01.600 --> 0:08:03.560 this is a good space to be held if I'm 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:06.840 going to have a car I'm just because it's an 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:11.960 emotion that it doesn't come from from your thoughts, like 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:15.000 those the times when that happens, it's just you. One 0:08:15.040 --> 0:08:18.920 minute you doing yoga. In the next minute you're like, oh, okay, 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:21.480 we're going to have a cry. Now. I'm not sure 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:25.040 where this came from. 0:08:23.680 --> 0:08:28.800 Speaking of now this is a big left turn, but related. 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.040 I don't know the exact term, but it's something like 0:08:32.320 --> 0:08:37.000 exercise induced orgasms. Have you ever heard of that? 0:08:37.520 --> 0:08:37.760 Cam? 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:39.440 Have you heard of that? 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:42.320 I mean, what kind of exercise is no? 0:08:42.200 --> 0:08:44.440 No, no, no, no, no, no, this is real, Tiff, can 0:08:44.480 --> 0:08:47.120 you look it up. I used to train this lady. 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:52.240 This is twenty twenty years ago, and she was quite strong. 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:56.240 She was an athlete and whenever she would do hanging 0:08:56.320 --> 0:08:57.040 leg raisers. 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:02.520 But ahak of those. And I'm not having the pleasure. 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:06.920 No, But it's a very individual physiological And that sounds 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:11.640 like I'm being silly and inappropriate. It's actually not. But 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:14.320 it's something that happens, and it happens. It's like it's 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:16.800 more common than you think. It's like maybe one in 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:18.200 one hundred people or something. 0:09:18.400 --> 0:09:20.920 So is this instead of getting a stitch? Is this 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:21.520 what happens? 0:09:21.760 --> 0:09:21.960 No? 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:26.640 No, people literally, No, they're nicknamed orgasms because often they 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:29.000 show up when you're doing call work, like crunches, planks 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:30.200 and hanging leg raisers. 0:09:30.440 --> 0:09:33.080 There you go, hanging leg raises, and when she would 0:09:33.120 --> 0:09:36.240 do that, she would fall to around and go I 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:38.199 can't and I'm like, you're right. She goes, and then 0:09:38.240 --> 0:09:41.560 she would be really embarrassed but kind of laughing and 0:09:41.600 --> 0:09:43.280 having the best time ever. I'm like, what the fuck 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:46.360 is going on? And she goes. You cannot tell anyone. 0:09:46.400 --> 0:09:49.640 So here the park. I am on an international podcast. 0:09:50.760 --> 0:09:56.080 Shout out to Donna. No, that's on her, but yeah 0:09:56.240 --> 0:10:01.880 that's your Donna. Yeah, babies from Bo Morris. I hope 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:04.640 you're doing well. It's been a while, as that's still happening. 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:08.360 No it No, that's not who it was, but yes, 0:10:08.559 --> 0:10:11.680 it's it's a real thing. And so we had to 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:14.800 get a work around so we could work her abs without, 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:18.720 you know, without being too distracting for the rest of 0:10:18.760 --> 0:10:19.319 the members. 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:20.800 Intrigued. 0:10:20.880 --> 0:10:21.880 What else does it say? 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:24.240 There's ten to fifteen percent of women have had at 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:27.120 least one that's probably more than who have had one 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:29.439 with regular sex with their partner. 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:32.920 That's interesting, isn't it. That's interesting? Wow? 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:34.960 Well I wonder if the people that can have that 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:37.319 are also the ones that are having it. 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:37.920 With their partner. 0:10:38.559 --> 0:10:39.439 Oh good point. 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:41.319 Wow to be the same population. 0:10:41.480 --> 0:10:49.959 Wow wow. Well, enough about orgasms and uncontrolled crying in yoga. 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:53.800 We were going to talk today about intrinsic motivation. Dr 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:58.960 cam I have I've talk about motivation more than I 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:01.640 want to. I don't mean in this conversational kind of sense, 0:11:01.679 --> 0:11:04.720 but just in terms of it. You know, it seems 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:08.520 something that comes up regularly in my work where people 0:11:08.559 --> 0:11:11.760 want to know, you know, how do I stay motivated? Craigan. 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:14.520 I'm like, ah, this is not a quick answer. And 0:11:14.960 --> 0:11:18.560 when I get introduced as a motivational speaker, which I 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.440 understand it, but I fucking hate that title. It's like, 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:25.559 that isn't what I am, but you know, good intentions. 0:11:26.200 --> 0:11:28.240 And then I kind of have to explain in a 0:11:28.320 --> 0:11:31.920 nice way without sounding like a spoilt brat, why I'm 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:34.040 not that and what I am, And then what I 0:11:34.160 --> 0:11:37.319 think the role of motivation is, and not only the 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:41.440 role of motivation, but what motivation actually is like what 0:11:41.600 --> 0:11:44.360 is it? Is it a state? Is it a driver? 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:47.400 Is it an emotional and or psychological experience? Is it 0:11:47.440 --> 0:11:50.120 a frame of mind? Can we generate it? Do we? 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:54.920 You know? So when we talk about external or extrinsic 0:11:54.920 --> 0:12:00.360 and intrinsic motivators, what are we chatting about, doc, Well, I. 0:12:00.400 --> 0:12:03.160 Mean the thing that inspired it is I'm about to 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:06.640 walk into a school and then they're running a program 0:12:07.160 --> 0:12:11.160 with the students where they already run a strengths based 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.440 kind of program where they say, hey, you did this 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:16.560 really well, congratulations on your strength, and then they put 0:12:16.559 --> 0:12:18.320 a little ticket up on the board, whatever it might be, 0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:21.320 and they now want to send it home. They want 0:12:21.360 --> 0:12:24.480 to get the educators to send it home to the 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:26.400 parents so that the parents can see it as well, 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:30.600 and so that there's a full get it around the 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:33.400 child effect on that they're getting feedback from the school 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.760 and at home consistently. And one of the things that 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.800 came up was there's a couple of educators there that 0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:42.040 are a little bit resistant to doing this because they 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:46.000 feel like telling a child, you know, good job their 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:49.240 strengths whatever it might be, robs them of their intrinsic 0:12:49.280 --> 0:12:53.840 motivation because it's externally delivered, and it got me thinking, 0:12:55.480 --> 0:13:00.640 you know, everything, everything that's changing our state some sort 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:05.240 of external input that we then develop into our internal 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:09.679 motivation whatever it may be. We are constantly in reaction 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.800 and response to the environment all of the time, and 0:13:11.880 --> 0:13:14.480 it's just started getting me thinking about, well, there has 0:13:14.559 --> 0:13:19.760 to be a useful input that still generates intrinsic motivation 0:13:19.840 --> 0:13:22.480 in an individual or provides the environment that it does. 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:26.400 And it got me thinking about, well, what state, what 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:30.760 physiological state does somebody need to be in to have 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:34.480 more intrinsic motivation, And that sort of led me down 0:13:34.480 --> 0:13:36.880 the pathway. Okay, well, how a person will get into 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:39.440 that physiological state is going to be quite different depending 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:41.679 on the person that they are as well and so, 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:45.240 and it all depends on from what I'm seeing, it 0:13:45.280 --> 0:13:47.880 all depends on the way that you are giving the compliment. 0:13:47.960 --> 0:13:52.079 But also there's another little layer in here as well around. 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:57.319 The right compliment, the right strength can actually return someone 0:13:57.440 --> 0:14:02.600 back to the physiological state that then supports intrinsic motivation 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:05.439 as well. And say, I was just I was fascinated 0:14:05.440 --> 0:14:06.520 to unpack that today. 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:11.680 Yeah, that's great, that is super interesting. I think more broadly, 0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:15.079 if we zoom out from praising someone or giving them, 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:19.600 you know, only positive input, which of course is great, 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:23.320 but to be able to give them, you know, all 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:27.160 kinds of feedback, constructive and what some people might call critical, 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:32.240 which I think critical gets misrepresented. Critical gets intertwined with 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:35.640 hurtful or judge. I don't know, you know, it seems 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:37.480 like it gets a bad rap. Well, let's know, it's 0:14:37.560 --> 0:14:44.160 just it's just thinking critically and consciously and strategically about 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.200 what you're doing and maybe how it could be better. 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:48.440 And me, who's maybe got a few more runs on 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:53.960 the board. Did you just come across someone cam's glaring 0:14:53.960 --> 0:14:54.520 at somebody. 0:14:54.640 --> 0:14:56.200 It's a nice seven year old who has given me 0:14:56.240 --> 0:14:58.920 a weird look. So it's just not gave them a Yeah, 0:14:58.920 --> 0:14:59.680 I'm good with oldies. 0:15:00.040 --> 0:15:02.440 Yeah, yeah, and you should maybe took the take the 0:15:02.440 --> 0:15:05.880 hoodie off, I mean the top it. But yeah, I 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:10.520 think that we praise is good to a point. Like 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:14.040 if a kid only ever gets praise and never gets 0:15:14.120 --> 0:15:18.280 anything but accolades and pats on the back and approval 0:15:18.440 --> 0:15:21.200 and you're amazing, I don't know that that sets them 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:25.400 up well for life beyond the praise bubble agreed. 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.040 I just don't think you'll find a child who's getting 0:15:28.040 --> 0:15:32.680 that life, And I think there is it is. I 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:35.400 would say almost. I don't want to say impossible. Almost 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:38.520 impossible to go through this life without the majority of 0:15:38.560 --> 0:15:42.080 the feedback that you're getting being neutral or judgmental. I 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:45.640 would say there. And I would say there's a difference 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:51.960 between praise and also supporting a person back into a 0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:55.080 state of safety. And I think that there's a because 0:15:55.120 --> 0:15:57.920 safety is a very important part of the physiological response 0:15:57.920 --> 0:15:59.680 that allows you to have intrinsic motivation too. 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:01.120 Yes, I hear what you're saying. 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:04.720 If you're just giving phrase and like, no matter what 0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:07.080 you do, and here's a trophy for you know, falling 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:09.120 over before you even stepped up to the sopper pitch 0:16:09.160 --> 0:16:13.000 type thing. Yes, I think that's where they're getting an 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:18.600 undriden It's not leading them back to themselves. It's in fact, 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:21.960 in painting a false picture. It's disconnecting from them from 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:24.040 themselves even further. And I think that was the thing 0:16:24.040 --> 0:16:27.840 that really came across, is how can we return people 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:30.080 back to feeling good in themselves? 0:16:30.320 --> 0:16:32.440 And from there there's some good things that happened. 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:38.240 Yeah, is there ever a time where we go people 0:16:38.240 --> 0:16:40.520 don't have to feel good about themselves all the time 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:43.280 because it's not a normal human experience feel good about 0:16:43.280 --> 0:16:47.480 yourself all the time as opposed to self loathing and 0:16:47.920 --> 0:16:51.600 you know, self flagellation. But it's like, oh he feels shit, 0:16:52.280 --> 0:16:55.280 well he probably should feel shitited for a little bit 0:16:55.360 --> 0:17:00.320 because he did something shit. And this is this is 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:02.880 part of being human. It's not to try to drag 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:06.200 everybody out of every emotional hole they find themselves in 0:17:06.600 --> 0:17:09.359 and to make it better. You know, sometimes I think 0:17:10.080 --> 0:17:12.399 you know while still knowing, Hey, by the way, you're loved, 0:17:12.440 --> 0:17:15.439 We love you, but you fucked up, but we love you. 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.320 That's that doesn't ever decrease or go away. But you're 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.400 loved and valued and needed and wanted, but you did 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:23.080 some dumb shits. So just sit in that. 0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.560 I love that. And that's That's a very important difference 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:31.720 from projecting onto somebody and saying I'm in a bad mood. 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:35.200 You've done something that's wronged me, you've made you've made 0:17:35.280 --> 0:17:39.919 me feel this way, and I'm doing this specifically to 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:43.760 make you feel like with without that love attached. But 0:17:43.880 --> 0:17:47.320 then at the same time, presenting an environment where someone 0:17:47.359 --> 0:17:50.480 can find a boundary is really really powerful to say, hey, 0:17:50.560 --> 0:17:52.639 you cross this boundary and as a result, there's a 0:17:52.680 --> 0:17:56.480 consequence to this, and then they're allowed to respond or 0:17:56.520 --> 0:18:01.640 react with emotion to that. But it's this I believe 0:18:02.119 --> 0:18:05.399 that the state that someone's holding when they're holding that 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:09.320 boundary is one of one of care and one of neutrality, 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:13.000 allowing the response rather than trying to create someone to 0:18:13.000 --> 0:18:15.120 feel bad. I don't think you're feeling bad enough. I'm 0:18:15.160 --> 0:18:18.320 going to make you feel upset. That's that's not the 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:20.960 that's not the way to do it. You know. 0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:22.879 One of the tough things I reckon about this doctor 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:27.119 Cam and tiff Et l everyone else is that, you know, 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:30.160 sometimes it's like the people that are guiding the big 0:18:30.160 --> 0:18:32.320 people that are guiding the little people don't have their 0:18:32.320 --> 0:18:35.320 own shit together, you know what I mean, how many 0:18:35.440 --> 0:18:39.520 of us, including me at times, are fuck ups. And 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:44.120 then you bring your own fucked upness into that situation 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:49.320 where you don't realize just your energy and your words 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:52.480 and your present presence and the way that you interact 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:57.199 with that kid consciously or not impacts that kid. You know, 0:18:57.280 --> 0:19:01.919 So having this high level social and situational awareness and 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:06.320 social and emotional intelligence, you know, forever around your kid. 0:19:06.400 --> 0:19:10.000 All that. I mean, that's I would think that's somewhat impossible. 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:14.280 I would agree with a lot of experience around that. 0:19:14.359 --> 0:19:16.439 And all I'm doing is thinking about this stuff all 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:18.560 day long. And then I've got the extra lens of 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:22.119 specifically knowing the words that are going to affect my 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.680 kid's genes the most, Like I have information on that, 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:29.639 and I still find myself failing it daily, you know, 0:19:30.119 --> 0:19:34.879 And this is the and I just think about, you know, 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:36.879 obviously I shared a few podcasts ago now about my 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:41.600 subconscious clearing that I had, Like some of the baggage 0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:46.480 in my subconscious was from Mum, you know, like from 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:48.680 my memory. And it couldn't be something that I've made up, 0:19:48.960 --> 0:19:53.000 but it could be Mum saying, no, don't give him 0:19:53.000 --> 0:19:55.280 a hug. He's in trouble to dad, you know that. 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:58.520 And that's that's innocent. That's like, no, he's in the 0:19:58.520 --> 0:20:03.480 corner getting punished. But what I needed in that moment, 0:20:03.560 --> 0:20:07.080 my little soul needed some love. I mean, that's so innocuous, 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:09.240 and so there is no chance. 0:20:09.240 --> 0:20:10.120 No chance. 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:14.200 That you can't mess up that you can't bring your baggage. 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:15.959 That you can't and you've just got to understand that 0:20:15.960 --> 0:20:18.959 that's part of the human journey. Like every single person 0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:24.000 is going to have something subconscious that's influencing their belief 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.640 systems and you're going to be projecting that without even 0:20:26.680 --> 0:20:28.760 knowing it, and silently you can project it. 0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:29.720 It's fascinating. 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.240 So this is why one of the big things that 0:20:32.280 --> 0:20:34.280 I'm going to do in this session is I'm going 0:20:34.280 --> 0:20:36.000 to take them through an experience of what it feels 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:39.639 like to be in your happy, flow based, cared for 0:20:39.840 --> 0:20:42.640 state and how do you actually feel Do you feel passionate? 0:20:42.640 --> 0:20:44.800 Do you feel like you're actually motivated to do something now? 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:47.080 Because if people can get an experience of that themselves 0:20:47.119 --> 0:20:49.679 and this is then they're much more likely to be 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:53.320 able to pass that on. And probably I've heard Jordan 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:55.400 Peterson say it before, but I've seen it in action 0:20:55.520 --> 0:20:57.760 many many times, and that is you know, it takes 0:20:57.880 --> 0:21:03.200 so few moments of a strength based complement and celebrating 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:06.800 someone for who they are to completely change their day. 0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:09.879 Yet yet we don't do it as a culture. We 0:21:10.800 --> 0:21:13.360 don't we aren't specifically looking for how can I lift 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:15.160 this person up. How can I make them feel better? 0:21:15.160 --> 0:21:17.560 How can I celebrate just who they are and tell 0:21:17.600 --> 0:21:20.480 them that they are enough just by being who they are. 0:21:21.119 --> 0:21:25.040