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Speaker 1: Apologie production.

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Speaker 2: We begin today by acknowledging the traditional custodians of the

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Speaker 2: land on which we gather today and pay our respects

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Speaker 2: to their elders past and present. We extend that respect

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Speaker 2: to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's here today. Welcome

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Speaker 2: to the Grow and Glow Podcast. I'm ashy, I'm Kiara.

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Speaker 2: This is a podcast where we learn, laugh, and level

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Speaker 2: up together. Let's go deep, let.

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Speaker 3: The emotions flow and find the lessons to grow and Glow.

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Speaker 3: Nothing is off the table with Grow and Glow and

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Speaker 3: we're here to be your expander.

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Speaker 2: Hi guys, welcome back.

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Speaker 3: This is actually a little extension on one that we

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Speaker 3: uploaded on the twenty eighth of February. So if you

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Speaker 3: guys haven't listened to that, it's all about how to

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Speaker 3: apologize really and say sorry. But we recorded that one

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Speaker 3: without actually knowing. There's apology languages, so just like there's

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Speaker 3: the five love languages, there's the.

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Speaker 2: Erotic, there's six human needs.

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Speaker 3: Yes, different ways that you can say sorry and so

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Speaker 3: important to understand. And there's actually a test that you

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Speaker 3: can do online as well, because sometimes you could feel

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Speaker 3: like someone's apologized to you and you don't actually feel it.

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Speaker 2: This makes me understand it's so much more, Hay, Like

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Speaker 2: why sometimes an apology doesn't actually.

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Speaker 1: Hit Yeah, that's the same.

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Speaker 3: Like if someone says sorry to you and then you

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Speaker 3: still feel frustrated and it's not healed, it's because they're

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Speaker 3: done it in a way that doesn't feel good to you.

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Speaker 3: So we'll go over the five that there is today,

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Speaker 3: and then we'll talk about our ones and also give

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Speaker 3: examples of what a good or a bad apology would

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Speaker 3: feel like to us because ours were different.

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Speaker 2: One's the same and one's different.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, So there's like a prominent first one and then

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Speaker 2: a second one as well on the quiz that's like

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Speaker 2: the next one down. Yep.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: So the five apology languages are expressing regret, requesting forgiveness,

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Speaker 3: making restitution, planned change, and accepting responsibility.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so the first on expressing regret is probably the

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Speaker 2: most one that people think of. So it's the one

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Speaker 2: that's just like I'm sorry, giving a genuine apology and

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Speaker 2: expressing your regret about something that you.

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Speaker 1: Have done, really owning it, Hay.

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Speaker 3: And just like showing remorse, is that the right word,

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Speaker 3: like not guilt, but just be like, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: I really shouldn't have done that. I'm so sorry.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. Like the different language that you use around each.

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Speaker 2: Of these definitely, yeah, admitting their guilt, Yeah, admitting what

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Speaker 2: they did wrong and taking accountability.

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Speaker 3: That's fully owning it, I feel yeah, and you can

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Speaker 3: admit it in that language.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So the next one is requesting forgiveness. So basically

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Speaker 2: this is when somebody messes up and they do the

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Speaker 2: wrong thing. Rather than you just going I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 2: like I'm sorry that happened. In owning it, they actually

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Speaker 2: want you to say but if it's okay with you,

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Speaker 2: like is it okay? Like I'm so sorry, but is

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Speaker 2: that alright? Like can we progress forward?

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Speaker 1: The permission?

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Speaker 2: Really asking whether they're accepting.

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Speaker 1: That's really apology. That's respecting boundaries too.

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Speaker 3: You're almost honoring that, like the boundary might be that

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Speaker 3: they're not going to forgive you and you might have

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Speaker 3: to close it off exactly right.

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Speaker 2: So that's another type of apology language. And yere's just

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Speaker 2: so many of these that popped up along the way,

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Speaker 2: and I was like, gee, that makes so much more

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Speaker 2: sense with other people in my life and how things

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Speaker 2: have gone previously as well.

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Speaker 3: Yes, why it hasn't felt healed and why you haven't

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Speaker 3: felt closed off?

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Speaker 2: Do you often ask for forgiveness?

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Speaker 1: No, I don't.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think it's really important to understand like

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Speaker 3: your partner's love languages and what they taught human needs are.

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Speaker 3: But this is so important, I know. Yeah, saying sorry

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Speaker 3: just sometimes isn't enough.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and also like if it's not hitting, Like, these

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Speaker 2: are five different ways you can try, Yeah, which is

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Speaker 2: really cool.

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Speaker 3: Forgiveness that feels very unnatural to me. Yeah, I think

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Speaker 3: we'll go over them all, but we can talk about

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Speaker 3: which ones we find more natural. What's our go to? Yeah,

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Speaker 3: it's probably the way that we want to be apologized

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Speaker 3: to as well. That's normally the same with love languages.

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Speaker 2: So true.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So this next one, making restitution is basically making it right.

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Speaker 2: So it's a little bit like tit for tat. So say,

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Speaker 2: if I broke something of yours, you would want me

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Speaker 2: to offer to pay you for it. So if I

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Speaker 2: broke something or if I lost it, to buy a

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Speaker 2: new want and replace it.

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Speaker 1: So is that not just a normal thing to do?

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Speaker 3: I don't know. I would naturally do that if I

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Speaker 3: break someone's one hundred percent. I would offer to do

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Speaker 3: that one hundred percent. Maybe some people don't, maybe not,

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Speaker 3: maybe they're like definitely not.

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Speaker 2: I've had heaps of people growing up where like they

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Speaker 2: would use something of mine and like accidentally breaking and

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Speaker 2: yeah yeah definitely.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Also, well even when you're younger, if you don't have

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Speaker 2: like money or finances and stuff. But yeah, that's the

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Speaker 2: way to make them feel like, okay, they actually take

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Speaker 2: an ownership.

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Speaker 3: That's the language. It's them apologizing when they replace it.

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Speaker 3: That's phynology. That's the apology. It's not even about words,

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Speaker 3: it's about an action of doing.

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Speaker 2: That's it. So you saying I'm sorry to them means

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Speaker 2: nothing nothing. Yeah, because if you don't replace it, they

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Speaker 2: feel like you're not actually.

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Speaker 1: Sorry for what you broke.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so interesting, isn't it. Yeah, this next one's planned chain.

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Speaker 1: I know.

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Speaker 3: This one's a top one for both of us as well.

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Speaker 3: This one really resonated. It's like when someone actually does

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Speaker 3: something wrong, you don't just want to hear oh I'm

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Speaker 3: so sorry or I really regret doing that like that

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Speaker 3: of course would always feel nice, but you want to

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Speaker 3: know that there is a plan in place so that

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Speaker 3: it doesn't happen again, because if this was to be reoccurring,

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Speaker 3: it would really hurt your heart or really break the trust.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, or it makes the apology is not sincere. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's happened exactly.

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Speaker 3: But if they've got an action plan in place and like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: this is what I'm going to do to make sure

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Speaker 3: I don't hurt you again or this doesn't happen again,

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Speaker 3: it then makes you feel like your nervous system can

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Speaker 3: rest knowing that like, Okay, we've got this, you've got this,

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Speaker 3: you're accountable, you know what you've done, and you're going

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Speaker 3: to make sure it doesn't happen again.

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Speaker 2: And I feel like it makes it easier to progress

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Speaker 2: forward because rather than worrying like is this going to

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Speaker 2: keep happening? Where do I stand, it's like, Okay, we've

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Speaker 2: got an action plan exactly. We're going to progress through this,

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Speaker 2: move forward, and it's not going to happen.

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Speaker 3: And there's still flexibility in that that, like humans make mistakes. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: you know, maybe it's a pattern that they're trying to break,

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Speaker 3: but if they're fully acknowledging it and they've got that

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Speaker 3: plan that they're focused on and they're trying to achieve

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Speaker 3: that that's enough's enough for me as long as they've

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Speaker 3: like got that in place.

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Speaker 2: And it's taken the time to think about it, yes, and.

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Speaker 1: Express it and talk to you about it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, such a long way.

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Speaker 3: And the last one is accepting responsibility, fully owning your shit,

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Speaker 3: like just I am so sorry, like I did this,

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Speaker 3: And I think it's really nice when people can say

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Speaker 3: language of like, oh, I can really see how that

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Speaker 3: upset you. I fully own that that in itself a sentence,

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Speaker 3: like I fully own that. That means a lot to me,

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Speaker 3: Fully owning what they've done, because that's acknowledgment that heals

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Speaker 3: so much for me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, taking ownership of where they've gone wrong.

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Speaker 1: Radical responsibility.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I don't think it's a skill a lot

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Speaker 3: of people have. No. I found it really uncomfortable growing

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Speaker 3: up to own responsibility because I just thought I was

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Speaker 3: gonna get in trouble. Yeah, So I would avoid and

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Speaker 3: I would hide and I would lie because I'm like, oh, I.

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Speaker 1: Don't want to get in trouble.

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Speaker 3: Whereas now, like I fully own if I've made a mistake,

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Speaker 3: And it's so much easier now as an adult because

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Speaker 3: I practiced that.

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Speaker 2: And it's so much more healing.

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Speaker 3: It's like own, How much nicer does it feel to

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Speaker 3: own rather than blame? Oh yeah, nice to blame someone else.

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Speaker 3: So it's so nice for them, doesn't feel nice for you.

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Speaker 3: Like sometimes even if I'm not sure, I might just

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Speaker 3: be like, oh gosh, it's probably me, Like I make

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Speaker 3: some loom mistakes. You know, it's not worth getting an

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Speaker 3: argument or causing computing, Yeah, conflict. It's like, oh one

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Speaker 3: of us made a mistake, Like cool, what do we

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Speaker 3: do about it? You know?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, get that action plan and place progressful.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So online you can do the test and it

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Speaker 3: asks you a bunch of questions and then it gives

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Speaker 3: you an end result of your top way that you

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Speaker 3: like to be apologized to, and then there's a secondary one. Yes,

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Speaker 3: so my top one was accepting responsibility.

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Speaker 1: Like I said that.

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Speaker 3: One sentence of someone saying I'm so sorry, I fully

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Speaker 3: own that. That to me is super superhaling. And then

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Speaker 3: the expressing regret. There's a lot of depth and vulnerability

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Speaker 3: to expressing regret. And I don't think a lot of

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Speaker 3: people have that bravery to fully like look you in

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Speaker 3: the eye and say like I'm so sorry. That hurt

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Speaker 3: you and like, fully, yeah, just own it. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 3: uncomfortable to do that, yes, but I really appreciate it,

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Speaker 3: so I'm not surprised that came into my secondary. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So my first one is planned change, and that makes

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Speaker 2: so much sense to me. I feel like this is

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Speaker 2: literally me like something happens. I'm like, okay, so like,

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Speaker 2: how can we make this happen again?

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Speaker 3: You know, if it's going to a grudge against them,

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Speaker 3: but you want to know something makes sense.

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Speaker 2: Too with so many things that have popped up. I

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Speaker 2: know you always say to me, you go, how have

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Speaker 2: you worked through that so quickly with Kurt? And it's

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Speaker 2: because as soon as I've got a plan in place

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Speaker 2: and I know that we're on the same page, I'm good.

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Speaker 2: It's so weird.

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Speaker 1: It like makes me be.

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Speaker 2: Like, okay, all sweet, but I need yeah, and I

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Speaker 2: feel like he really knows that now, which is really great,

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Speaker 2: so good. And then my second one is expressing regret

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Speaker 2: as well, just having it's a seer apology and somebody.

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Speaker 2: It's so connecting, it's so beautiful and like you said,

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Speaker 2: it's bravery, it's vulnerable, like you come out the other

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Speaker 2: side afterwards. Eve though it's hard in the moment, and

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Speaker 2: I feel like it can just make your relationship so

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Speaker 2: much stronger.

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Speaker 3: Definitely, I really have a lot of respect for people.

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Speaker 3: Any of these are great though. Really it's like the

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Speaker 3: love languages. You have your main one, but I love

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Speaker 3: them all. Yeah, give me all of them, and I think,

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Speaker 3: once again, same with the love languages. This is really

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Speaker 3: cool to understand and learn what yours are, and then

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Speaker 3: what your partners are, and maybe even learn what your

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Speaker 3: friends are as well. Like, it's great to know what

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Speaker 3: yours are in case we ever have a little moment,

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Speaker 3: but have compassion for people that might not have studied this,

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Speaker 3: and you can see that they're trying. They're probably going

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Speaker 3: to say sorry in a way that they feel it

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Speaker 3: given back to them. Yeah, they don't know how it feels.

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Speaker 1: Good to you. It's the same with love language.

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Speaker 3: People don't know what you don't mind readers, So if

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Speaker 3: someone saying sorry it doesn't feel good, that's probably why.

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Speaker 1: It's so true.

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Speaker 3: You can have the compassion and you can see most

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Speaker 3: people's hearts if they're trying to say sorry. Yeah, So

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Speaker 3: you just can't expect people to be exactly like you.

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Speaker 3: But if you're close enough with them, this is a

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Speaker 3: really cool conversation that you can have over dinner or whatever.

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Speaker 2: Definitely, and also just give you some insight to be like, oh, wow,

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Speaker 2: that's why that apology really didn't land with me. You know,

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Speaker 2: get to understand yourself and the people around you, like

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Speaker 2: that's why maybe they held onto that for a bit

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Speaker 2: longer and resented me afterwards, maybe apologize in their way.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it might be a nice journaling session to do

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Speaker 3: some reflections on different to different arguments you've had the

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Speaker 3: people and why it hasn't progressed or hasn't felt right. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: so freaking cool, so cool. So I thought would give

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Speaker 3: examples of a good apology and a bad apology for

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Speaker 3: both of our main two ones.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So mine would be to have a chat about it, obviously,

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Speaker 2: say sorry to each other, and then make a plan

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Speaker 2: to progress and how we're going to change. So, for example,

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Speaker 2: if Kurt like knocked over I don't even know a

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Speaker 2: cup of coffee and it was because he left it

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Speaker 2: right on the edge of the bench or something, I'd

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Speaker 2: be like, hey, babe, next time you make coffee directon,

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Speaker 2: you can just like scoot it back a bit and

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Speaker 2: if he's like, yes, babe, I will do that, like

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Speaker 2: all good, no worries. We reach a compromise, a happy

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Speaker 2: ending agreement left in a light note. We know that

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Speaker 2: it was a mistake, it was annoying, not gonna happen again.

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Speaker 2: That was a very surface level example, but it was

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Speaker 2: the only one I could come up with.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, that's so funny.

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Speaker 2: And a bad one would be a bad one, a

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Speaker 2: bad apology that wouldn't come okay.

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Speaker 1: To probably use the same coffee situation, situation.

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Speaker 2: It's filed over and he's like, oh, wasn't my fault?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, oh okay, sorry, yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 2: I don't know. And then even just being like, oh,

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Speaker 2: oh no, I'm not going to move it back. You

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Speaker 2: just should have been more careful next time, or yes,

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Speaker 2: disregarding disability, that's it disregarding. And also then there's no

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Speaker 2: plan in place. It's like I'm not doing that, so

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Speaker 2: it's resistance. There's no plan in agreement to move forward,

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Speaker 2: to compromise and both feel happy.

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Speaker 1: Yes, that makes so much sense. Yeah, so good one

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Speaker 1: for me.

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Speaker 3: I didn't have a situation, but this is a kind

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Speaker 3: of language to be like, I'm so.

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Speaker 1: Sorry for what I did or said to you.

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Speaker 3: I completely own my mistakes and there's no excuses. It

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Speaker 3: was wrong, and I really take full responsibility for my actions. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: that's just owning it. It's taking radical responsibility. They feel it,

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Speaker 3: they know they're apologetic, and that's just Yeah. That would

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Speaker 3: be a perfect apology to me, And an apology that

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Speaker 3: wouldn't feel as good to me would be like this

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Speaker 3: goes on the wanting forgiveness, I just don't connect with

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Speaker 3: that very well, Like, ah, I feel so bad, how

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Speaker 3: can you forgive me for doing that? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I want to tell you how to.

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Speaker 3: I just want you to own it, like this is

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Speaker 3: you've done the wrong thing, you come to me and

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Speaker 3: heal this. I don't want to have to coach you

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Speaker 3: or tell you how to say sorry?

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean? That just feel me?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know, And of course it could come

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Speaker 3: from a good place, like I'm sure there's even times

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Speaker 3: where Steve has said that, like oh, you know, what

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Speaker 3: can I do to help heal this?

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Speaker 1: But even that annoys me. I'm like, I don't know, you.

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Speaker 2: Figure it out it It doesn't feel great for me.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't feel authentic to them.

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Speaker 2: Then it's like they're not trying to put any work in.

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Speaker 2: It's like you tell me what to do.

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Speaker 3: It's all on you again, So you have to then

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Speaker 3: tap more into your brain and give more energy out

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Speaker 3: of like figuring out a plan.

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Speaker 2: And it's not genuine because they're asking what do you

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Speaker 2: want rather than a genuinely like doing what they feel.

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Speaker 1: Would be yes.

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Speaker 3: But there's going to be some of you listening that

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Speaker 3: love that that's your main problem. So it's just so interesting.

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Speaker 3: It's like once again I like referring back to the

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Speaker 3: love languages, but like say, physical touch is my number one,

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Speaker 3: but you hate being touched and gives me I'm like,

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Speaker 3: gifts are nice, but it's not the main way to

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Speaker 3: like get to my heart. But for you when some

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Speaker 3: advice you gifts, you just they're like, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 3: they really care about me, they really loved me, They

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Speaker 3: thought about me. They went to the shops and like

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Speaker 3: found this to me, Like wow, you know, I thoughtful.

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Speaker 3: Everyone's just so different, but that yeah, they're wanting forgiveness.

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Speaker 3: So I'm like it kind of gives me the ick. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: makes me.

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Speaker 1: Feel like, oh I really don't like it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But the others I can connect with quite well,

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Speaker 3: so interesting.

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Speaker 2: So interesting.

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Speaker 1: Hey al right, guys, I really hoped you enjoyed that.

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Speaker 3: And if you guys have any more questions, just jump

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Speaker 3: into our private Facebook forum. That's where we communicate and

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Speaker 3: so your questions. We take podcast suggestion ideas, and we'd

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Speaker 3: love you to join our little private community.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so much fun over that. And also make sure

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Speaker 2: you follow if you haven't followed yet. Yeah, we're at

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Speaker 2: seventy three percent our starts trying to get it to eighty.

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Speaker 2: So help us out, guys. We really appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: It take us two seconds, help us get to be

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Speaker 1: our goal.

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Speaker 2: Thanks so much. If you listened all the way to

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Speaker 2: the end, we'll see you.

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Speaker 1: Praye A