Speaker 1: Welcome to First things first, I'm Brook Blert, and my
Speaker 1: pronouns as she and her.
Speaker 2: I'm Maddie Mills, my pronouns are he and him. And
Speaker 2: before we get started, we'd like to acknowledge the custodians
Speaker 2: of the land on which we record, and for me
Speaker 2: today that's the gatigil people of.
Speaker 1: The ur nation, and for me it's a waundry people
Speaker 1: of the cooler nation.
Speaker 3: And let's get.
Speaker 2: Into it a bit of different energy this episode than
Speaker 2: our last few. I feel like we've got, you know,
Speaker 2: some more serious topics to talk about.
Speaker 1: MM because I think it's really important. I think it's
Speaker 1: also a good representation of I guess how much growth
Speaker 1: and how much stuff has happened over time, and I
Speaker 1: think a moment I guess to acknowledge sometimes that you
Speaker 1: need closure. I do. I like this saying where it's
Speaker 1: like that was then this is now and sort of
Speaker 1: drawing a line in the sand and being like okay,
Speaker 1: like can't change that, but this is now, and whatever
Speaker 1: we're going to do, we're going to be moving forward.
Speaker 1: So I feel like I've had a bit of a
Speaker 1: weight shift in terms of breakthroughs, in terms of my healing,
Speaker 1: so pretty much. Three years ago, my sister died and
Speaker 1: her death was quite suspicious.
Speaker 3: There were other.
Speaker 1: Women in the area that had died at similar time
Speaker 1: and similar place, so only a couple of hundred meters
Speaker 1: away from each other. It was ordering COVID winter, and
Speaker 1: it was a really hard time because at the same
Speaker 1: time I had just finished the bachelorette and for three
Speaker 1: years I have been doing an inquiry, so that's an inquest.
Speaker 1: So inquiry into someone's death is pretty much the lawyers
Speaker 1: work with all the other departments like I guess, you know,
Speaker 1: trying to get CCTV, trying to reports, the coroner and
Speaker 1: the coroner's court, so basically trying to gather as much
Speaker 1: information as they can and then looking at it and
Speaker 1: then pretty much kind of determining what the actual cause
Speaker 1: of death was because we were never really told what
Speaker 1: the sequence of events were. And then obviously over three
Speaker 1: years I've learned to know those details and it hasn't
Speaker 1: been easy, like listening to it. Like you know, usually
Speaker 1: when someone dies, you know, have a die and you
Speaker 1: can kind of start the grieving process, but it has
Speaker 1: dragged out for about three years that grieving process, and
Speaker 1: up until recently when I was in Perth, when I
Speaker 1: decided that I was going to close the inquiry. Yeah, so, yeah,
Speaker 1: big moment.
Speaker 2: I mean, it's been a long journey for you and
Speaker 2: your family three years. You know, has that time gone
Speaker 2: by quickly for you or has it seemed like a
Speaker 2: long time since she passed away?
Speaker 1: Both in a weird way, it has gone so quick
Speaker 1: because the first year I was just so wrapped up
Speaker 1: in the bachelorette and like all my jobs and the book,
Speaker 1: and you know, I had all these obligations and responsibilities,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, it kind of all
Speaker 1: hit me at some point. And when I started the inquiry,
Speaker 1: it wasn't because I wanted to like relive the trauma.
Speaker 1: I wanted it to sort of inquire because of those
Speaker 1: other suspicious deaths in the area and why was that happening.
Speaker 1: And then also a lot of the details that we
Speaker 1: were told throughout my sister's you know, like announcement of
Speaker 1: her passing away were wrong. So they'd given us wrong details.
Speaker 1: She apparently had died on this day and that was
Speaker 1: completely wrong, Like she had died actually like a couple
Speaker 1: of days beforehand, and we didn't get told for a while,
Speaker 1: so there was all this misinformation, and I guess that
Speaker 1: was probably what drove me to start the inquiry, being like, yeah,
Speaker 1: over the years that she's been in care, she's been
Speaker 1: under what they call the Public Trustee and pretty much
Speaker 1: is like a governing body and they look after people
Speaker 1: who have mental illness, and so she's pretty much under
Speaker 1: a guardianship pretty much, and they kind of are responsible
Speaker 1: for all of her funds, her money, and for her
Speaker 1: well being generally, like they're meant to make sure that
Speaker 1: she gets to her appointments. She's homed because she's not
Speaker 1: capable of doing that herself because of her illness. She's
Speaker 1: not completely like deabilitated, but she can't function and remember
Speaker 1: those things because you know, having schizophrenia and having other conditions,
Speaker 1: you can imagine that's quite difficult for someone to manage
Speaker 1: their own life. So these you know, governing bodies step
Speaker 1: in and they take care of all of that for
Speaker 1: people and try to manage that as best they can.
Speaker 1: But there was some negligence that was happening that I
Speaker 1: had seen over the years that did make sense to me,
Speaker 1: and I guess kind of felt like that was maybe
Speaker 1: what had kind of led her to be in this
Speaker 1: situation and then I guess on the streets and then
Speaker 1: obviously found passed away at Urine no Yaegen Square, which
Speaker 1: is a very significant place for a lot of original people.
Speaker 1: Yagen was like this warrior in the Nonga culture, and
Speaker 1: they named the central park called Yagen's Square, which is
Speaker 1: a lot of It's like a central place where a
Speaker 1: lot of people will walk past, tourists, lots of cafes
Speaker 1: and restaurants, et cetera. So it's quite significant, but also
Speaker 1: very conflicting because how does someone pass away on the
Speaker 1: streets of Perth and no one noticed them for hours?
Speaker 2: And then you know, so it's been obviously, like you know,
Speaker 2: three years. It's a long time to be sitting with
Speaker 2: that grief and then to be able to make it
Speaker 2: a decision, a really tough decision, not just for you
Speaker 2: but for your family. When did you start thinking that
Speaker 2: you might be stopping the in quest and what led
Speaker 2: to that decision?
Speaker 1: Well, in another world, I'd probably would have loved to
Speaker 1: still continue. I think when I spoke to a lot
Speaker 1: of the lawyers, you know, they give you sort of
Speaker 1: options of what we can do and what the information
Speaker 1: that they've found, right they you know, they go do
Speaker 1: the work and they're like seeking the information, I guess,
Speaker 1: and then they come to you and say, this is
Speaker 1: what we found.
Speaker 3: Would you like to move forward?
Speaker 1: And over three years I've been like, yes, let's move
Speaker 1: forward and move forward and move forward to see what
Speaker 1: information they can keep getting, and pretty much got to
Speaker 1: a point where they were like the coroners declared the death,
Speaker 1: went ahead and did that without even knowing that we
Speaker 1: were in and doing an inquiry, so completely disregarded the
Speaker 1: family out like us in that and declared without sort
Speaker 1: of yeah, considering that there might be some you.
Speaker 3: Know, questions, yep, and.
Speaker 1: They don't normally do that actually, but yeah, it just
Speaker 1: seemed a bit disrespectful. But we couldn't, I guess now,
Speaker 1: because that's already locked in and and sort of done,
Speaker 1: the reports done. Yeah, reopening it makes it so much
Speaker 1: more harder. And so if he hadn't or he or
Speaker 1: she whatever hadn't done that, it would be a little
Speaker 1: bit easier. Okay, But because they disregarded us, Yeah, we've
Speaker 1: already had been doing the effort for three years and
Speaker 1: then you know they've just gone aheadn't done that?
Speaker 3: It just put us kind of back a little bit.
Speaker 1: I made it more difficult to reopen and reinquire, and
Speaker 1: so much more admin and so much more reporting into
Speaker 1: the reasons why. So I would have to be doing
Speaker 1: actually like writing reports of why I want to inquire
Speaker 1: and these reasons why, et cetera. Even the voyas would
Speaker 1: probably be doing that with me as well. But because
Speaker 1: I'm the family member that is inquiring and opening the inquest,
Speaker 1: it would just be a lot of admin. And I
Speaker 1: think because of the place and time I am in
Speaker 1: my life at the moment, it was just a lot
Speaker 1: of emotional labor that I was not willing to take on.
Speaker 1: And you know, I actually had a therapy session before
Speaker 1: I decided to close the inquest, and I think that
Speaker 1: was a huge shift with me talking to my therapist
Speaker 1: about it. We did sort of the visualization of if
Speaker 1: my sister was still alive today, you know, how would
Speaker 1: she feel if I was to continue this, and how
Speaker 1: would she feel if I decided that I was at
Speaker 1: capacity and I wanted to stop it. And I think
Speaker 1: for me, I was holding onto a lot of guilt
Speaker 1: because I thought that I had maybe let her.
Speaker 3: Down, and.
Speaker 1: It's a hard one because it's so conflicting because the
Speaker 1: Bachelor was probably one of the best moments of my
Speaker 1: life in terms of getting to experience that the opportunity
Speaker 1: and in I guess, my career. But the reality, I
Speaker 1: think is the fact that I was off frolicking and
Speaker 1: doing these, you know, really glamorous things, and the reality
Speaker 1: is that my sister was living on the streets and
Speaker 1: homeless and vulnerable, and I just had so much And
Speaker 1: I still partly do have a lot.
Speaker 3: Of guilt around that because.
Speaker 1: I've always been, you know, around, and I've always been
Speaker 1: so available for my family and my sister, and I
Speaker 1: just sometimes just wish I could just turn back a
Speaker 1: little bit of time and just make sure that she
Speaker 1: was okay first of all, that I wouldn't feel so
Speaker 1: guilty for going and doing that.
Speaker 3: In my life.
Speaker 1: I'm glad I did it, but at the same time,
Speaker 1: the reality is that it cost me a lot in
Speaker 1: terms of losing a family member, feeling guilty because this
Speaker 1: is a great opportunity, but it's not worth the sacrifice,
Speaker 1: I guess in a way.
Speaker 2: Do you believe that if she didn't do the Bachelorette
Speaker 2: that you would have been able to stop the outcome
Speaker 2: of what's happened, Like is that something that you question
Speaker 2: quite often?
Speaker 1: And I think I would have just been able to
Speaker 1: not control the narrative a little bit, but actually like
Speaker 1: step in and have things in place that I would
Speaker 1: make sure that she wasn't as vulnerable, because I guess
Speaker 1: I've been doing that over the decade, and I write
Speaker 1: about this in Big Love, you know, scrubbing like fucking vomit,
Speaker 1: piss and shit and blood like on you know, a
Speaker 1: floor of a backpacker's hostel place room where my sister
Speaker 1: is like they're paying for the accommodation, but she's actually
Speaker 1: not safe to stay there. Just this is the thing,
Speaker 1: And that's probably why I was so passionate about driving
Speaker 1: this inquiry forward, because there was such negligence and when
Speaker 1: if I was just there, i'd sort of be able
Speaker 1: to to, you know, control that.
Speaker 3: Or like not control is the world.
Speaker 2: But yeah, you might have been able to, you know,
Speaker 2: support her more. But in saying that, I think that
Speaker 2: we both know and I can speak from my point
Speaker 2: of view with family members who we want to support
Speaker 2: and we want I've got a sister who I'm constantly
Speaker 2: wanting a different outcome for her life right, And I
Speaker 2: think you know this, But all we can do is
Speaker 2: like be there for them when they decide they want
Speaker 2: to reach out to us. We can't always be the
Speaker 2: person who is steering their life because it just doesn't
Speaker 2: work like that, you know. So it's like, as much
Speaker 2: as you feel like you wish that you could have
Speaker 2: supported her more in those moments, and you know, the
Speaker 2: final moments, I definitely feel like we have to know,
Speaker 2: as people who want to help and help and help
Speaker 2: our families that no matter what we do, it's up
Speaker 2: to our families whether they accept that help or not,
Speaker 2: you know. And I think it's different for me and
Speaker 2: you in this circumstances, especially because your sister's mental health condition,
Speaker 2: you know, something that does obviously make her even more
Speaker 2: vulnerable in society. But I don't ever want you to
Speaker 2: feel like you didn't do enough, because no matter how
Speaker 2: much we do, no matter how much, there is still
Speaker 2: a level of accepting that help and support that needs
Speaker 2: to come from our families, you know, And a lot
Speaker 2: of the time they avoid it. Sometimes it comes down
Speaker 2: to shame. I see that in my own family. But yeah,
Speaker 2: I don't think that, you know, you need to ever
Speaker 2: put the blame on yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm not normally one to also point the blame to
Speaker 1: anyone else, but there has been a frustration, and I
Speaker 1: guess and in a rage that you know, people who
Speaker 1: are schizophrenic or have mental illness are completely vulnerable, and
Speaker 1: they rely on the services that you know, are governed
Speaker 1: by the government and by community service, and these people
Speaker 1: are meant to be taking care of these vulnerable people totally.
Speaker 1: They're meant to be, if not, taking responsibility for them,
Speaker 1: because they are so incapable of doing that, like mental
Speaker 1: illnesses and just like, hey, one day, I just decided
Speaker 1: that I wasn't going to manage my own life. It
Speaker 1: is a condition. It's as an actual change of chemical
Speaker 1: in the brain. So it's not a matter of like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just need someone else to do all the things
Speaker 1: in my life now, like manage my admin etc. Like
Speaker 1: these people have had huge change. Whether they've induced that
Speaker 1: through their own circumstance and experiences, it doesn't matter. They're
Speaker 1: still completely vulnerable. And I think that was the rage
Speaker 1: that was happening for me, was that the negligence that
Speaker 1: was coming from these governing bodies. Where is that money
Speaker 1: and funding going to that you're not putting into my
Speaker 1: sister and you're not making sure she's safe and making
Speaker 1: sure that she's okay, Like why are you paying for
Speaker 1: accommodation at a hostel with no lock.
Speaker 3: On the door? And why you allowing.
Speaker 1: Her to stay with like forty other vulnerable people who
Speaker 1: probably all have mental illness, probably have substance abuse or
Speaker 1: like experience and trauma.
Speaker 3: And I just didn't understand.
Speaker 1: And I think, yeah, I think you're right, Like I
Speaker 1: shouldn't blame myself, but there is a part of me
Speaker 1: that is smart and can put my foot down and
Speaker 1: has a power and it has a voice to actually
Speaker 1: like step up for my sister. And I think for me,
Speaker 1: like that's all I really wanted to do, and I
Speaker 1: have done. I know that I have. But at the
Speaker 1: same time, these services are the ones that it should
Speaker 1: be putting, should be the ones that are showing up
Speaker 1: and stepping up, and I just don't think they are.
Speaker 1: I think they're actually taking advantage and taking that absolute
Speaker 1: fucking Piers.
Speaker 2: Do you think that if the inquest was to continue
Speaker 2: that there would be that accountability that you're looking for,
Speaker 2: or do you think that one of the main reasons
Speaker 2: you probably ended it was because you saw that probably
Speaker 2: wasn't going to happen.
Speaker 1: No, I actually think if I had the more capacity,
Speaker 1: and I guess more more emotional capacity, and I guess
Speaker 1: a little bit more like legal knowledge, I one hundred
Speaker 1: percent think that I would be keeping these organizations accountable.
Speaker 1: Like I think the the negligence in terms of getting
Speaker 1: her death wrong and actually emailing that to our family
Speaker 1: just goes to show that they have no fucking clue.
Speaker 3: They have no way did you.
Speaker 2: Mean by death wrong? If you don't mind me asking.
Speaker 1: They put the wrong day, They had no call, they
Speaker 1: had no cause of death, they had no idea of
Speaker 1: course of death.
Speaker 3: When she died.
Speaker 1: They just just sent an email of being like she's
Speaker 1: passed away and passed around this day, and it was wrong.
Speaker 1: And I had to contact the police constable who was
Speaker 1: she and judy in that case to get the correct details.
Speaker 1: And then so when I called them out for it,
Speaker 1: obviously there was an apology over email, but it's like, well,
Speaker 1: who knows what? And then why you why do you
Speaker 1: not know where she is? And why do you not
Speaker 1: know where she's passed when she's passed away? You guys
Speaker 1: are responsibilel like this. The public trustee is responsible for
Speaker 1: managing her funds, but they also managing her accommodation. Why
Speaker 1: was she living on the street. So this is my concern,
Speaker 1: especially during COVID, like it's peak winter. The fucked thing
Speaker 1: for me as well was that my sister passed away
Speaker 1: at Yagan Square and I was pissed off at Channel
Speaker 1: ten because they blew up this massive fucking promotional photo
Speaker 1: of me right in the middle of Yagan Square.
Speaker 3: Wow. Wow, My sister.
Speaker 1: Died in September and The Bachelor didn't air until like
Speaker 1: mid October. They had plenty of time to change those
Speaker 1: dates and that option, and they didn't. They decide, Oh,
Speaker 1: like Brook won't care. Do you know how like how
Speaker 1: fuck that is? Like mentally like to think about that,
Speaker 1: Like so I'm fine. I guess in terms of like
Speaker 1: how much I've done, and I can always open that
Speaker 1: inquiry later if I ever feel like I do have capacity.
Speaker 1: And you know, I think I'm learning so much more
Speaker 1: about who's responsible for what and also makes me so
Speaker 1: passionate about the services that we have available. Yes, they're
Speaker 1: all sort of funded by government. And then we have
Speaker 1: a change of politician and then those funding you know,
Speaker 1: bodies get their money sort of gets scrapped, and then
Speaker 1: I guess that's the lack of care that happens because
Speaker 1: without money, you kind offer a service pretty much, right, Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I think for me, like that's the fuck thing
Speaker 1: in the government is there's no consistency. And I think
Speaker 1: the grassroots programs that we develop that actually have the
Speaker 1: most impact direct because they're so like easily dismissed, then
Speaker 1: they don't realize like the impact that they have on
Speaker 1: the vulnerable people that are accessing those services. And it
Speaker 1: makes me so frustrated because I've seen it like so directly,
Speaker 1: Like I've actually when I worked in the governing bodies,
Speaker 1: when I worked for not for profits, when I worked
Speaker 1: for community service, Like I've seen the change and the
Speaker 1: impact basically immediately, Like we've had to pretty much close
Speaker 1: programs and we've had kids accessing that and families accessing
Speaker 1: that because we've had to close those programs. Now they
Speaker 1: have no access to anything that we're providing them.
Speaker 3: So where do they seek that? Like where do they
Speaker 3: go next?
Speaker 1: And I think that's what I get so frustrated. And
Speaker 1: I guess was like their motivation and the sort of
Speaker 1: like you know, fire my belly to just kind of
Speaker 1: pursue this. And in an ideal world, I would do,
Speaker 1: you know, do it all over again, and I would
Speaker 1: you know, be able to you know, ride the whole
Speaker 1: right way through until I feel like I've got the
Speaker 1: right justice or you know, I'm keeping the right people accountable.
Speaker 1: But yeah, right now, I just had to really make it,
Speaker 1: I guess, a selfish decision.
Speaker 2: But in a way, it's so I think it's selfish.
Speaker 1: I'm doing it because I'm not capable, Like I'm doing
Speaker 1: it because I need to do a film and I
Speaker 1: need to have full capacity, so I have to like
Speaker 1: drop off these things to be like full. But it's
Speaker 1: all for me, like I don't have to do this film,
Speaker 1: like I'm doing it because I want to, of course,
Speaker 1: and it's a great opportunity, but I don't have.
Speaker 3: To do it.
Speaker 1: But I'm choosing that, and I feel like making those
Speaker 1: choices are really hard because I'm choosing to do the
Speaker 1: film over you know, finding justice for my sister, I guess,
Speaker 1: and that's conflicting for me, Like it makes me feel
Speaker 1: a bit like ikey and I feel like I have
Speaker 1: had to make these choices more more consistent.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm in a very selfish place
Speaker 1: in my life or I'm just I'm having to choose
Speaker 1: me and it feels just not comfortable.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I haven't really accepted that.
Speaker 1: I haven't really like sat with that, I guess because
Speaker 1: people always say that, like, oh, just you know, put
Speaker 1: yourself first and choose you. And I'm like, everything that
Speaker 1: I do has come to like support my family, and
Speaker 1: they're fine, they're doing well, I know, but like you know,
Speaker 1: now I'm like, Okay, well, I don't know how to look.
Speaker 2: I don't think it's how to look self preservation. I
Speaker 2: think you need to be the best version of yourself
Speaker 2: so that you can live a happy and fulfilled life.
Speaker 2: I think that so much of what we see is
Speaker 2: why people need help is because they haven't been able
Speaker 2: to do that in their own lives. So for you
Speaker 2: to do that for yourself, it's super important. You know,
Speaker 2: you can't allow that idea of that it's selfish for
Speaker 2: you to want to be happy and to live in
Speaker 2: a good life. I feel like it's self preservation and
Speaker 2: if anyone needs that, it's bloody you, Like you really
Speaker 2: deserve that as well. So I wanted to ask you
Speaker 2: about closure because you didn't get the answers, right, I
Speaker 2: didn't get the answers. Is there any sense of closure
Speaker 2: that comes with closing this case right now or do
Speaker 2: you think that's something that will come in the future.
Speaker 3: I think both In a weird way.
Speaker 1: I think there have been moments throughout this inquiry that
Speaker 1: I have received a lot of closure. Like I think
Speaker 1: knowing that the person, you know, the security guard who
Speaker 1: had found my sister, he gave him his absolutely all
Speaker 1: to resuscitate her and to bring her back to life
Speaker 1: from what the report says, and you know, he actually,
Speaker 1: you know, reported and documented that he checked on her
Speaker 1: a few times actually before and she was breathing and
Speaker 1: she was fine, and it wasn't until the last time
Speaker 1: that he was like, oh.
Speaker 3: I'm just going to go check it again.
Speaker 1: We'll check her again, and that he noticed that, you know,
Speaker 1: she was unconscious and not breathing. And so I just think,
Speaker 1: you know, whoever this guy is like, I'm very grateful
Speaker 1: for him, and I think, you know, even in those
Speaker 1: last moments, I don't think it may have been I guess,
Speaker 1: you know, I think she was sleeping, so I think,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe she passed quite peacefully, so I think,
Speaker 1: you know, there was not a lot of pain. And
Speaker 1: I think I've seen psychics and therapy, you know, and
Speaker 1: I've been doing therapy, but it feels like for me,
Speaker 1: like the closure that I got is that she is
Speaker 1: in a better place, and I feel like she's safer
Speaker 1: where she is. It's kind of fuck to think you're
Speaker 1: safeer dead, but she's not so vulnerable anymore. And I
Speaker 1: think that's probably the pclosure that I'm you know, I
Speaker 1: guess I'm happy in a weird fucking way about But
Speaker 1: I think also, you know, the information that I was
Speaker 1: received that I received, and yeah, that kind of helped.
Speaker 1: And I think for mere closure is really just like
Speaker 1: allowing myself to really grieve past it and think like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's kind of.
Speaker 3: Fun, but not having to worry about her anymore. Yeah,
Speaker 3: but I do worry about her all.
Speaker 2: The time, can I ask you. I think one part
Speaker 2: of grief that I think about is with my brother.
Speaker 2: I think about the last moments I had with him,
Speaker 2: and I think about how I was really lucky to
Speaker 2: have this moment with him, which was we went out
Speaker 2: for breakfast in Semworth and I was up visiting my
Speaker 2: family and that was the last time I saw him.
Speaker 2: We went out, we had like a mad feed, a
Speaker 2: good yarn and a good laugh. I don't know if
Speaker 2: everyone gets that, you know, with family that passed away.
Speaker 2: So what was your last moments like with your sister
Speaker 2: and is it something that you like will help you
Speaker 2: with the closure.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my last moment actually with Kai was really beautiful.
Speaker 1: I it was actually in the city.
Speaker 3: And we just went out. We went out shopping.
Speaker 1: I think I had a list of things that I
Speaker 1: was meant to be doing that day, but I was like,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm just going to cancel everything. And so yeah,
Speaker 1: we went to what they call the Carousel, which is
Speaker 1: like a shopping center Emperth and we went shopping. I
Speaker 1: got her like this little Nokia phone so that I
Speaker 1: could call her.
Speaker 2: We I do that exact same thing for my favorite
Speaker 2: and you put your detail thing because I don't have
Speaker 2: the ID like it's so like unique to our experience,
Speaker 2: you know, Yeah, those.
Speaker 3: Things and.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then we went off shopping and we were
Speaker 1: trying on clothes and stuff like that. And I have
Speaker 1: these videos of her, like you know, listening to Tupac
Speaker 1: in my car, and you know, I got these like
Speaker 1: photos and then I dropped her off at this accommodation
Speaker 1: that she was staying at, which is actually quite quite nice.
Speaker 1: And I think that was the last time I sort
Speaker 1: of spoke to like her guardian, and I had some concerns,
Speaker 1: but the guardian was really lovely, I guess in a
Speaker 1: way that made me feel confident that she would be okay,
Speaker 1: you know. And yeah, she was trying on all of
Speaker 1: her clothes and her new shoes, and she was like
Speaker 1: posing up with her like hand on her hip and
Speaker 1: was taking all these photos of her, not.
Speaker 2: These ones like.
Speaker 1: I've got these beautiful photos of her, yeah, with you know,
Speaker 1: of that moment, which, yeah, it just made me, I guess,
Speaker 1: like made me really happy to see her, Yeah, because
Speaker 1: I always felt like, maybe, you know, she's my big sister,
Speaker 1: but I always just felt like such a big sister
Speaker 1: to her.
Speaker 3: I feel like she was always just such a scared little.
Speaker 1: Girl when you know, when she was alive and when
Speaker 1: my mom was alive as well, because she kind of
Speaker 1: got to the worst from my mum. But I felt like,
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know, I just felt like really
Speaker 1: like proud of my sister in a way like I
Speaker 1: always wanted to be her because she was like so
Speaker 1: cool when.
Speaker 3: We were younger.
Speaker 1: But I felt like I was the sane one, like
Speaker 1: she was quite crazy and that kind of you know,
Speaker 1: out doing things and naughty things, and I was like,
Speaker 1: you can't do that, you know, it was like quite
Speaker 1: bussy and yeah, trying to I guess, and I got it.
Speaker 1: I guess again. I talk about this in Big Love,
Speaker 1: but the responsibility that I sort of put on place
Speaker 1: to myself for a very long time, and that was
Speaker 1: also to take care of my family, including her, and
Speaker 1: I just felt like at some points to take care
Speaker 1: of myself, I had to stop taking care of her
Speaker 1: and them. And it's just really hard. It's just a
Speaker 1: really hard balance to to have. And also look at
Speaker 1: a lot of it's a lot of weight to carry.
Speaker 1: But I do feel better, like I feel a little
Speaker 1: bit of a lyft in terms of not forgiving myself,
Speaker 1: I guess for doing something like crazy like what I
Speaker 1: did and showing people or giving insight into my life
Speaker 1: and the reality of that and how passionate I am
Speaker 1: and how much I you know, want to change so much.
Speaker 1: How about how we see the world.
Speaker 2: Well, I think that your sister honestly, like, and she
Speaker 2: mightn't have told you, but she would have been really
Speaker 2: proud of you, and she might not have known how
Speaker 2: to show that, but for you, like you would have
Speaker 2: been her wildest dreams. And I really believe that, And
Speaker 2: I think that, like you should live in that and
Speaker 2: remember her for those really amazing moments when you were
Speaker 2: young and looking up to her. You know, life doesn't
Speaker 2: always like go the way that we all want it
Speaker 2: to go, and I think that that's like really hard
Speaker 2: to accept. But what you do have are the really
Speaker 2: good times with her when you're younger that you can remember.
Speaker 2: So like stick with that, you know, and know that
Speaker 2: you what you achieve in your life and doing the
Speaker 2: work that you're doing with youth actually is going to
Speaker 2: help young black girls not end up in those situations.
Speaker 2: So know that, like your legacy is actually to change
Speaker 2: the outcome for for young black people by working with youth.
Speaker 2: You know, those girls who you work with at school,
Speaker 2: they get to see a whole different world and be
Speaker 2: inspired by you. So I really want you to like
Speaker 2: understand that you don't have to feel the guilt to
Speaker 2: take on that massive thing of like the inquest anymore
Speaker 2: and allow yourself to let it.
Speaker 3: Go hellow it. Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2: Well, I think that's probably all we have time for,
Speaker 2: but thank you, thanks Chis for Sharon and being so
Speaker 2: vulnerable about this. I know that there's so much more
Speaker 2: to talk about an unpacked, but you obviously do the
Speaker 2: work as well, you know, in your therapy, and I
Speaker 2: think that that's like, yeah, super important. But if anything
Speaker 2: that we've spoken about has triggered any of our listeners,
Speaker 2: so we're going to put some notes in our show notes. Yeah,
Speaker 2: we're gonna put some contexts to some yeah resources, that's
Speaker 2: what I'm looking for, the resources in the show notes
Speaker 2: for mental health, health life, thirteen yard. Yeah, that's it,
Speaker 2: But thank you so much for listening.