1 00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:12,479 Speaker 1: Hi everybody, Carly Taylor here and welcome back to this 2 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,040 Speaker 1: week's Mojo Monday. So we're going to dive into a 3 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:19,600 Speaker 1: topic that's often discussed in various ways, and that is 4 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:24,360 Speaker 1: around setting boundaries. So specifically, we're going to examine this 5 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,520 Speaker 1: through the lens of Marita therapy, and I will no 6 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 1: doubt throw in a bit of ACT which is acceptance, 7 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:36,440 Speaker 1: commitment therapy, and stoicism, because the three of those modalities 8 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:41,239 Speaker 1: really intersect and align so well. So social media is 9 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: flooded with advice on setting boundaries, particularly with those individuals 10 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:52,360 Speaker 1: who are perceived as difficult or they use descriptions like toxic. 11 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 1: Often these messages seem to suggest that setting boundaries means 12 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:02,720 Speaker 1: controlling someone else's behavior or dismissing them entirely from your life. 13 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,319 Speaker 1: And of course there are situations that require serious intervention, 14 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 1: like when someone is in physical danger or experience emotional abuse. 15 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 1: But today I want to focus on managing relationships with 16 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,600 Speaker 1: people who may not be abusive but are still challenging. 17 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 1: They might be challenging your patients, family members, work, colleagues, 18 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 1: or friends. So I want to look at this through 19 00:01:29,959 --> 00:01:35,119 Speaker 1: the lens and the framework of Marita therapy, which if 20 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 1: you're not familiar with that is a Japanese psychological approach, 21 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:44,040 Speaker 1: and what it does is it emphasizes acceptance and focusing 22 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: on what we can control. And one key teaching is 23 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:54,080 Speaker 1: to accept life as it is and differentiate between what 24 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,800 Speaker 1: we can and what we can't control. And I'll just 25 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 1: add in there when we talk about acceptance, it's not 26 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 1: a passive acceptance. It's we need to accept life as 27 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: it is and then that next step is right what 28 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: needs to be done. So Marita therapy is often called 29 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:18,359 Speaker 1: the psychology of action. So let's give an example. So 30 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,880 Speaker 1: what other people do or say, their beliefs, their values, 31 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:27,120 Speaker 1: these are all outside our control. So this perspective, what 32 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: it does is it challenges the common advice around boundaries 33 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 1: that suggest to you that we need to control or 34 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 1: change others, We need to control their behavior, and this 35 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,200 Speaker 1: approach often leads to frustration and stress, especially when others 36 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:47,840 Speaker 1: don't change their behavior, because ultimately that's outside of our control. 37 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,080 Speaker 1: So what do we do in these situations? So Marita 38 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: therapy teaches us that our automatic emotions and thoughts are 39 00:02:56,160 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 1: a part of being human. We can't control them, but 40 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,679 Speaker 1: what we can do is not be dictated by them, 41 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: and instead we focus on actions that are aligned with 42 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,640 Speaker 1: our purpose and align with our values. And this means 43 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,919 Speaker 1: our responses should be guided by what's important to us 44 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,960 Speaker 1: rather than being solely driven by the immediate emotion that 45 00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,639 Speaker 1: comes up, which is very very hard to do. This 46 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 1: is a skill. Sometimes our immediate emotions are just so 47 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,120 Speaker 1: powerful and are really driving us into action, and then 48 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: we end up doing things that we later on when 49 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:36,520 Speaker 1: things come down, that we can regret. You know, our purpose, 50 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: for example, might be to maintain a meaningful relationship whilst 51 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:46,000 Speaker 1: being open and honest, or act with grace and dignity 52 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: even in challenging situations. And character strengths are really a 53 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 1: good compass, you know, things like patience, empathy, and integrity 54 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: that can really guide our actions. I want to explore 55 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: a couple of examples just to illustrate this. Imagine you 56 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: have a friend whose political views or comments are really 57 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:14,800 Speaker 1: upsetting you, and your immediate reaction might be to demand 58 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: they stop sharing their opinions, or you consider ending the 59 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:23,039 Speaker 1: friendship or avoiding them, or maybe you aren't going to 60 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: say anything, but you're spending a lot of energy dwelling 61 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:27,919 Speaker 1: on it. Which is having a knock on effect to 62 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 1: other areas of your life. Putting so much attention onto 63 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: your emotional response might not align with the long term 64 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:42,280 Speaker 1: values or the importance of the friendship. So the emotions, 65 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:47,160 Speaker 1: if left to their own devices, can cloud your judgment 66 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:52,360 Speaker 1: and cloud the perspective of the situation. So using Marita 67 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: therapy principles, you'd pause and reflect, So ask the question 68 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: what is beyond my control? Here? The friend's opinions and 69 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 1: comments are not within your control. What she says and 70 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: does is up to her. And also your automatic emotions 71 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:15,840 Speaker 1: and thoughts are not within your control. You may not 72 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: want to feel the way you do, but in reality, 73 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: you do feel that way, and struggling with that often 74 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:27,719 Speaker 1: intensifies the emotions. So what is within your control? So 75 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 1: where you decide your attention goes is within your control. 76 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 1: It can go on the anger or the resentment, or 77 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 1: whatever the emotion is that's showing up, or it can 78 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: look for solutions that are aligned with your values and 79 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: what is important to you deep down in your heart. 80 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: Instead of letting frustration dictate your actions, you could approach 81 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:57,159 Speaker 1: the situation by having a calm discussion about your relationship. 82 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,880 Speaker 1: How this is affecting you or deciding to limit conversations 83 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: on sensitive topics. This approach aligns with the purpose of 84 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 1: maintaining the relationship while being honest and respectful. But keep 85 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: in mind that what your friend does, what they decide, 86 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,239 Speaker 1: is ultimately not up to you and is not within 87 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:26,160 Speaker 1: your control. So if the outcome isn't what you hoped for, 88 00:06:27,279 --> 00:06:30,800 Speaker 1: sometimes we need to accept the discomfort that this can 89 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:34,800 Speaker 1: bring in the service of something bigger and in this case, friendship. 90 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,760 Speaker 1: Let's dive into another scenario. Your mother in law drops 91 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: by unannounced on a regular basis and it feels like 92 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,279 Speaker 1: an invasion of your privacy. You're frustrated and angry because 93 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 1: it disrupts you, your routine and your boundaries. So this 94 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,200 Speaker 1: is a tricky situation because it affects not just your 95 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 1: relationship with her, but potentially your partner as well. From 96 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:02,359 Speaker 1: the perspective of Japanese ps ecology, here, there's a gap 97 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:07,719 Speaker 1: between reality and how we wish things would be. So, 98 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:10,640 Speaker 1: for example, ideally your mother in law would call ahead 99 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 1: or you would plan visits in advance. So recognizing this 100 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 1: gap can help you manage your emotions while figuring out 101 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: the best way to handle the situation, and we want 102 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 1: to widen the lens of this situation. So it's important 103 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: to try and understand things from her perspective. And this 104 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to excuse her behavior, but 105 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:40,040 Speaker 1: it can help to consider a few questions. So why 106 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 1: does she drop in undernounced? Could she be lonely or 107 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 1: feel that this is a normal way to connect? You know, 108 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 1: is this something? Is this behavior something she sees as 109 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,960 Speaker 1: part of her role, or does she have different expectations 110 00:07:55,000 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 1: about how visits should be handled. Understanding her point of 111 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 1: views it putting yourself in her shoes. It can make 112 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 1: it easier to decide how best to address the issues effectively. 113 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,160 Speaker 1: And of course there's so many different situations where we 114 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: are struggling with people who are who we perceive as 115 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 1: crossing boundaries. But I think it is important to recognize 116 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: that sometimes we use boundaries as a way to avoid 117 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 1: the discomfort of our emotions. And it doesn't mean that 118 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: we're making excuses for others' behavior, but it's almost like 119 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: we have to coexist with our emotions in the service 120 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: of a wider purpose, you know, things like maintaining a 121 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:47,200 Speaker 1: long term relationship or acting with grace or upholding personal 122 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:52,959 Speaker 1: integrity can be more important than those immediate emotional reactions 123 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,880 Speaker 1: and emotions that we're trying to avoid. Other people can 124 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:01,560 Speaker 1: really press our buttons and it can create a really 125 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:06,000 Speaker 1: strong emotional response, but it doesn't mean that we always 126 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:11,599 Speaker 1: have to act according to that response. The main takeaway 127 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,559 Speaker 1: for this is to focus on what you can control, 128 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:19,199 Speaker 1: which is your own behavior and attitude. Accept the discomfort 129 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:24,360 Speaker 1: that comes from difficult interactions, and strive to act based 130 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,679 Speaker 1: on your values and your purpose rather than your automatic 131 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:35,440 Speaker 1: immediate emotional response. And this approach helps maintain relationships without 132 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: compromising your own principles. Thank you for listening today. If 133 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,959 Speaker 1: you're enjoying the podcast and find it valuable, please consider 134 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,000 Speaker 1: leaving a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It does 135 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,280 Speaker 1: help us reach more listeners and helps us to continue 136 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,480 Speaker 1: providing content that hopefully is valuable to you. So have 137 00:09:54,559 --> 00:10:00,960 Speaker 1: a good week and I will see you next Monday.