1 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,520 Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, it's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojo Monday. 2 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:19,200 Speaker 1: So Paul is still working hard on his PhD. And well, 3 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: we haven't had a drop in listeners since I started 4 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:25,880 Speaker 1: during these episodes solo. So I probably shouldn't sound so 5 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 1: surprised at that, should I. But you know, that's where 6 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: my mind went to when I first started, was like, 7 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: oh my god, maybe nobody's going to listen, but thank 8 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 1: you you have still listened, and I really am grateful 9 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,680 Speaker 1: for that. I really love the opportunity to pass on 10 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,360 Speaker 1: what I see as life skills to help you move 11 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: towards living a rich and meaningful life. And nothing that 12 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: I talk about I don't apply to myself, and I 13 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: guess that's why I'm so passionate about what I do 14 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:59,520 Speaker 1: and also doing these Mojo Mondays. So today's topic is 15 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,959 Speaker 1: no ex and I am really excited to chat about it. 16 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:09,200 Speaker 1: So let's get into it. So there are unavoidable realities 17 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: of life, and if we don't accept these realities, we 18 00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: are going to continue to struggle. So Phil Stutz, who's 19 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:21,959 Speaker 1: psychiatrist and author of the book The Tools, he articulates 20 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:26,559 Speaker 1: this perfectly with what he describes as three unavoidable realities, 21 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 1: and they are pain, uncertainty, and the need for constant 22 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: hard work. And what I love about these truths is 23 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:40,640 Speaker 1: that they really emphasize action the need for constant hard work. 24 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:44,680 Speaker 1: So when we are challenged, whether in big or small ways, 25 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: we need to learn to accept the inevitable pain and 26 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:53,360 Speaker 1: uncertainty and then take action. Trying to avoid the pain 27 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:58,200 Speaker 1: is nearly impossible and usually short term strategy. We spend 28 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 1: so much of our time and energy trying to avoid 29 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: or get rid of the pain, and it only ends 30 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: up with frustration and the pain usually returns. And when 31 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: I'm talking about pain, what I'm referring to is those difficult, 32 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: painful emotions and those unwonted thoughts that often come up 33 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:24,800 Speaker 1: when we're challenged. So telling yourself that life shouldn't be 34 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 1: this hard is really a futile argument, and it can 35 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:33,920 Speaker 1: be a barrier to enjoying our lives because it means 36 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: we have this narrow perspective of life. So we need 37 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,760 Speaker 1: to accept that life is challenging. So when we are 38 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:46,280 Speaker 1: faced with difficulties, we don't go onto autopilot and let 39 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,679 Speaker 1: our emotions and thoughts drag us down in a spiral. 40 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,880 Speaker 1: So I'll read you a quote from Phil Stadt's book 41 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: and a different book called Lessons for Living. Our culture 42 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:04,040 Speaker 1: denies the nature of reality. It holds out a promise 43 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 1: that you can live in an ideal world where things 44 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 1: come easily, a world in which unpleasant experiences can be avoided, 45 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:18,160 Speaker 1: where there is never a lack of immediate gratification. Worse, 46 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,800 Speaker 1: it suggests that if you do not live in this world, 47 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: something is wrong with you. The ideal world is a 48 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:30,120 Speaker 1: realm of illusion. No matter how promising this world seems, 49 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:36,600 Speaker 1: it does not exist. End of quote. So how we 50 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: respond to our stress? How we respond to these challenges, 51 00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: whether it's someone cutting us off in traffic, or our 52 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,840 Speaker 1: kids pressing our buttons, or financial stress or workloads, or 53 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:52,120 Speaker 1: relationship issues. The list of stresses could go on and 54 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:55,520 Speaker 1: on and on. It's not what happens to us that 55 00:03:55,640 --> 00:04:00,080 Speaker 1: causes the stress, but it's how we respond to the 56 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:05,280 Speaker 1: automatic internal responses that we have. So I'll just repeat 57 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: that it's not what happens to us that causes the stress, 58 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: but it's how we respond to those automatic internal emotions 59 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:20,240 Speaker 1: and thoughts that pop up. When we learn to accept 60 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,680 Speaker 1: this fact of life, new possibilities all of a sudden 61 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,160 Speaker 1: open up. Suddenly you have a choice in how you 62 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:31,000 Speaker 1: can respond, whereas previously you might not have even considered 63 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,839 Speaker 1: that you have a choice. And this is where the 64 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:36,640 Speaker 1: hard work comes in. You have to be willing to 65 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: step out of your comfort zone. Now, from my personal experience, 66 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:47,600 Speaker 1: I am more able to now recognize my automatic emotions 67 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 1: and thoughts that just pop up in my head. I 68 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: can't control them and respond to them mindfully. And of 69 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: course I certainly don't always get this right and I 70 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: don't always catch it, but I can. I can do 71 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,279 Speaker 1: this more and more the more I do the work. 72 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,800 Speaker 1: And of course I don't like the pain of a 73 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 1: lot of emotions bring and I used to try and 74 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: get rid of them or thought something was wrong with 75 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 1: me for feeling this way. But now, as hard as 76 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:20,680 Speaker 1: it can be depending on the situation, I'm try and 77 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,279 Speaker 1: make room for this pain, and I can get curious 78 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,799 Speaker 1: about it. I use curiosity, so I might think, well, 79 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: that's an interesting thought my mind just came up with. 80 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 1: I can even talk to myself, so it's like one 81 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,000 Speaker 1: part of my mind is talking to the other, which 82 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: I know sounds really weird, but the research shows that 83 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 1: talking to yourself can really help because it puts things 84 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,240 Speaker 1: in perspective. And this happened to me just this morning. 85 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,760 Speaker 1: I thought popped into my head. Kira and my daughter 86 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:54,120 Speaker 1: and Paul were having a conversation, and this thought came 87 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: into my head for something that happened in the past, 88 00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,320 Speaker 1: and I have this twinge of anxiety, and instead of 89 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,359 Speaker 1: allowing that anxiety to take over, I was able to 90 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: acknowledge it. I found it quite interesting. I was like 91 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: curious about it, knew that it wasn't helpful at all, 92 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,920 Speaker 1: and so I just continually mindfully got on with whatever 93 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: I was doing, and at that time just happened to 94 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,480 Speaker 1: be tiding up the kitchen, which needed to be done. 95 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: So the thought was kind of still there, lingering in 96 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,919 Speaker 1: the background that it did fade quickly because I wasn't 97 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,680 Speaker 1: able to put my I wasn't putting my attention onto it. 98 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 1: I'm certainly not perfect, and I never will be, and 99 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: neither will you. But if we can cultivate this attitude 100 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:40,240 Speaker 1: of acceptance towards the pain that life can bring us, 101 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: the uncertainty, and teach this to our kids, we can 102 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:49,599 Speaker 1: really harness this sort of powerful part of ourselves. So 103 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,760 Speaker 1: how do we do this? So the first step is 104 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,160 Speaker 1: to recognize that you have control over where your attention goes. 105 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 1: So attention is this incredible powerful. It influences whether or 106 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:08,280 Speaker 1: not we go down a spiral. And the more you 107 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: focus on your pain, whether it's fear, anxiety, sadness, the 108 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,280 Speaker 1: more you try and get rid of it to feel 109 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: better before you get on with life, the worse it 110 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,600 Speaker 1: can get, and then you end up putting life on hold. 111 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,880 Speaker 1: We don't need to feel better to live a full 112 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 1: and meaningful life, so you don't need to wait to 113 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 1: feel better to live well. And this is where the 114 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:38,920 Speaker 1: hard work comes in. Make a choice not to not 115 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,760 Speaker 1: to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, but to engage in 116 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,840 Speaker 1: activities that are important and purposeful to you. So, instead 117 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 1: of giving your power to the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts 118 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:55,000 Speaker 1: by focusing on them and trying to get rid of them, 119 00:07:55,520 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 1: switch your attention and therefore your power to what you do, behavior, 120 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: your actions. And this may mean coexisting with a bit 121 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,840 Speaker 1: of discomfort or a lot of discomfort depending on what's happened. 122 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 1: But what you were doing is you were doing this purposeful, 123 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:18,880 Speaker 1: constructive and meaningful action while coexisting with the discomfort while 124 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: it's there. And just like the weather, all feelings, all 125 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: emotions will pass. So to wrap things up, remember that 126 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,920 Speaker 1: life's challenges and discomforts are inevitable, but it's how we 127 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: respond to them that's what is within our control. So 128 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,280 Speaker 1: embracing the reality of pain and uncertainty and hard work 129 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: and use these moments as opportunities to grow and act 130 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:49,160 Speaker 1: with purpose. So I encourage you or invite you to 131 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:55,319 Speaker 1: practice shifting your attention from your discomfort to your actions 132 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,920 Speaker 1: that align with what's important to you. So align with 133 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,080 Speaker 1: your values and goal And these don't have to be 134 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 1: these sort of large, meaningful things. It could be you know, 135 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:09,880 Speaker 1: if having things in order is important to you, So 136 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 1: you may feel discomfort in whatever's going on, but maybe 137 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: you need to go and clean out a cupboard or 138 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 1: tidy up the house because order is a value of yours. 139 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 1: You like having things clean and tidy. Or maybe you 140 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: are working towards a goal, so working towards that putting 141 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,560 Speaker 1: in the work, Or maybe you have a hobby that 142 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 1: you can put your attention on and by doing this 143 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: you'll find that life becomes richer and more meaningful even 144 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:41,880 Speaker 1: when there's inevitable difficulties. So I hope you've got value 145 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: from this episode. I have a wonderful week, and I 146 00:09:46,559 --> 00:09:54,000 Speaker 1: will see you next time.