Speaker 1: Appoloche Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much.
Speaker 1: Bring it in.
Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment.
Speaker 1: This is the place for you.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises on our
Speaker 2: Besties segment with Ashy and Tiana.
Speaker 1: We love our Tuesday's Advice segment. Remember this is just
Speaker 1: two best friends sitting on a couch giving advice that
Speaker 1: we would give to each other if we were in
Speaker 1: the situation that you're in. Remember these are completely anonymous.
Speaker 1: We have no idea who you are. And if you
Speaker 1: want to submit something, you can click the link in
Speaker 1: the description box below. Just scroll down. It's there, and
Speaker 1: we'd love to give you advice. It's every single Tuesday.
Speaker 1: These episodes are nice and short and sweet, but it's
Speaker 1: just our unfiltered advice. So take it away. I will.
Speaker 1: Today's submission is a year ago. I bumped into an
Speaker 1: old flame, not an X, but we spent one night
Speaker 1: together nineteen years ago and we're planning on seeing each other.
Speaker 1: We were friends for years before this. We've always remained friends.
Speaker 1: Friendship of twenty two years. He messaged me a couple
Speaker 1: of times on Facebook, etc. But backstory is he didn't
Speaker 1: pursue things with me, and he got back with his
Speaker 1: ex and they continued to get married for eighteen years
Speaker 1: and have three kids. But now they're going through a divorce.
Speaker 1: We have stayed in contact frequently this last year, and
Speaker 1: I feel like he needed a friend through the hard times.
Speaker 1: But I have developed feelings for him. I am also
Speaker 1: married with three children, still married. Is it a case
Speaker 1: of you want what you can't have or is this
Speaker 1: something more? This old flame isn't trying to win me over.
Speaker 1: He just sees me as a friend as far as
Speaker 1: I know, But I think I want more.
Speaker 2: Oh girl, that's tough.
Speaker 1: If this is me, I wouldn't go there. But also
Speaker 1: questioning because for me in my marriage, it's like a
Speaker 1: ton of vision when I'm hlugged into Steve, which is
Speaker 1: always I love him. I want to be with him.
Speaker 1: There's no other options. Yeah, I don't entertain it. I
Speaker 1: don't think about it. I don't fantasize about it. I
Speaker 1: don't want anyone else. So if you have developed feelings
Speaker 1: for someone else, I would say there's probably some cracks
Speaker 1: in your marriage. Are you lacking desire? Are you creating
Speaker 1: more fun? Are you disconnected? Have you guys not been connecting?
Speaker 1: How used to it? You're not having fun? Like I
Speaker 1: would try and look at the cracks and see if
Speaker 1: that's something that you can repair and bring back into
Speaker 1: your marriage and see where you're playing your role. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be entertaining this, I'd be cutting the contact if
Speaker 1: I as you, I agree, and I feel this is
Speaker 1: a bit of not betrayal. But I wouldn't like to
Speaker 1: know if my husband's talking to another female developing feelings
Speaker 1: and when he's telling me that it's just a friendship,
Speaker 1: but there's more there, Like that doesn't feel good.
Speaker 2: I feel zicky, especially if you're emotionally investing in another man,
Speaker 2: like your attention, by the sounds of it, is going
Speaker 2: to another man versus your husband. Yeah, and that's where
Speaker 2: you start to create emotional distance with your current partner
Speaker 2: who is your husband, right, And so I think that's
Speaker 2: also something to look at, is like where are you
Speaker 2: investing your time, Like you're emotionally investing in supporting this
Speaker 2: other man who is not your husband, versus are you
Speaker 2: doing that with your actual husband?
Speaker 1: Yeah? They have so much energy each day, so you're
Speaker 1: giving it to this other man, and it's depleting your relationship.
Speaker 2: There's a difference as well, when you have friends and
Speaker 2: you're emotionally supporting them, but it's totally platonic, Yes, totally platonic.
Speaker 2: You're there for them, you go through hardships together. That's
Speaker 2: different story to emotionally supporting somebody and gaining feelings for them.
Speaker 2: I think that in itself is a huge red flag
Speaker 2: for you of wanting something that you maybe can't have,
Speaker 2: or maybe wanting to entertain something that you know feels
Speaker 2: fun or maybe makes you feel desired or you're getting
Speaker 2: a little bit more attention or something like that. So, like,
Speaker 2: I agree with what you said, babe, of like looking
Speaker 2: at your relationship of like where are the cracks in
Speaker 2: the foundation?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's one of those odd saying the grass
Speaker 1: is not green now, the grass is green where you
Speaker 1: water it. Yes, you're not watering your relationship because you're
Speaker 1: watering it over there thinking it's greener over there. But
Speaker 1: only you know what's happening inside your relationship. And if
Speaker 1: you've got a beautiful man there that you can have
Speaker 1: these open conversations with, have that honest conversation with yourself
Speaker 1: first of what you're desiring and feeling like you're missing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and can you bring that into your current relationship? And
Speaker 1: I reckon these maybe little feelings that you're getting from
Speaker 1: the other man, I think they'll dissolve pretty quickly if
Speaker 1: you invest back into your relationship. Yeah, round it out,
Speaker 1: dry it out, dry it out. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I think it's like maybe a case of wanting what
Speaker 2: you can't have, or wanting what you think you can't.
Speaker 1: Which sounds exciting but it's not and it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's also something to look at as well,
Speaker 2: because this man is not sure an interest in you
Speaker 2: at all in terms of than friends.
Speaker 1: He's just going through a hard time. He's probably missing as.
Speaker 2: X Y and obviously like he that's right, And obviously
Speaker 2: he's gaining something from the connection that you guys have
Speaker 2: andal support, which is a huge thing that women invest
Speaker 2: into relationships. But maybe even looking at like where you
Speaker 2: are maybe like emotionally unavailable in your relationship, right, because
Speaker 2: when I look at that and I think, oh, wow,
Speaker 2: you're wanting potentially wanting somebody who doesn't want you back.
Speaker 2: That's emotional and availability.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so true. So it's just something to look at,
Speaker 1: something to get curious about.
Speaker 2: Yes, are you emotionally closed off in your current relationship
Speaker 2: because you're now outsourcing that looking outside of you for
Speaker 2: someone who you know.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're wanting to prove your worth. Maybe good advice,
Speaker 1: soo love and update. What are you going to do
Speaker 1: from here?
Speaker 2: Honestly, if it were you, baby, but like, what the
Speaker 2: fuck you're doing? Yeah, it was like, but no, oh nonsense, Yeah,
Speaker 2: we're not doing this, so babe, we're not doing this.
Speaker 1: We're not doing this. Cut it off, yeah, cut it off.
Speaker 1: Invest back into your relationship, but have some solo time
Speaker 1: to really look at what you're needing, what you're missing,
Speaker 1: what you're wanting out of your current relationship, and bring
Speaker 1: it in there. You've committed to this man and not
Speaker 1: saying you know you have to be with him if
Speaker 1: you're truly not happy, but look at it first and
Speaker 1: take responsibility and check in with yourself and be honest
Speaker 1: with yourself. It's a big, hard conversation with yourself first, and.
Speaker 2: You know what, it doesn't have to be a super
Speaker 2: hard and scary conversation, like you can just look at
Speaker 2: what it is that you're wanting more of, yeah, in
Speaker 2: your relationship, and go oh, my God, and then bring
Speaker 2: that into the relationship. Maybe you can initiate it some places,
Speaker 2: maybe you can ask him to initiate it in some places,
Speaker 2: and you will find that the moment that you get
Speaker 2: those needs met, you're going to be back to tunnel vision,
Speaker 2: focused on getting back to tunnel vision. If this is
Speaker 2: the man that you want to be.
Speaker 1: With, and I know you've got three kids, I've got two,
Speaker 1: I get times can feel a bit mundane sometimes if
Speaker 1: you're both stuck in your routines and get the kids
Speaker 1: to school and you're going to work, you coming home,
Speaker 1: you're going to bed, like it's very important for parents
Speaker 1: to be super aware not to get stuck in that
Speaker 1: where you're just like passing ships in a house and
Speaker 1: you feel like roommates and you feel like you're just
Speaker 1: co parenting together under the same roof very easy. There's
Speaker 1: been times where Steve and I have literally said that, like, gosh,
Speaker 1: I literally feel like I'm a passing shit with you,
Speaker 1: And it's so important to make and find the time
Speaker 1: to connect because otherwise you do feel like things are missing,
Speaker 1: and it would be natural and normal to look outside
Speaker 1: then and get excited or fantasized about something outside of
Speaker 1: what is actually existing there, but you're just stuck in
Speaker 1: a rut and you're not pouring into it and being
Speaker 1: aware of where you're contributing to that relationship to take work.
Speaker 1: It's not just easy rainbows butterflies, like it is at
Speaker 1: the start of the honeymoon stage. It's a lot of
Speaker 1: consistent showing up, awareness, conversations, effort, watering your grasp.
Speaker 2: And consistently pivoting when the seasons change and go through
Speaker 2: different moments.
Speaker 1: And time, honoring your changes too. What you once desire
Speaker 1: when you didn't have kids to who you are now
Speaker 1: has probably completely changed, and that's okay.
Speaker 2: And you know, what's something else that's interesting that just
Speaker 2: popped into my head. Is that just checking with yourself
Speaker 2: or what it is that you like about this man?
Speaker 2: Like it might actually just be that you like the
Speaker 2: version of you that comes out.
Speaker 1: That's true talk to him. Has it a more playful side?
Speaker 1: Or is there something about you? Do you feel free
Speaker 1: when you're around him, but at home you don't feel
Speaker 1: free because you've got the kids and husband and it's
Speaker 1: just like stressy.
Speaker 2: Because at the end of the day, there's a feeling
Speaker 2: that you're chasing it might be a version of you,
Speaker 2: or maybe it might just be even qualities about that
Speaker 2: man that you admire. Yeah, it doesn't have to be
Speaker 2: labeled as feelings. It could be oh my god, well
Speaker 2: I really appreciate this about him, and it can be
Speaker 2: just that true. So it's like, let's like explore all
Speaker 2: of the options before we go and label them like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, maybe I want more, Maybe you want
Speaker 2: more of the feeling you get when you talk to him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's explore that, and how can you get that
Speaker 1: in your current relationship? How can you give it to yourself?
Speaker 2: Yeah? What version of you are you when he's around
Speaker 2: that you want to bring into your everyday life.
Speaker 1: Let's focus on that. That's really good advice. Backdrop, we'll
Speaker 1: give us an update. We'd love it. Any best advice. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we rung it in.
Speaker 2: Give us more context.
Speaker 1: We'd love to hear it. Thank you for joining us,
Speaker 1: and we'll see you tomorrow for another episode. Bye bye,