1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:13,361 Speaker 1: Appoloche Production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? 2 00:00:14,001 --> 00:00:15,321 Speaker 2: Promise it won't be too much. 3 00:00:16,081 --> 00:00:16,601 Speaker 1: Bring it in. 4 00:00:17,921 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. 5 00:00:25,201 --> 00:00:26,281 Speaker 1: This is the place for you. 6 00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:29,801 Speaker 2: Welcome back to another episode of She Rises on our 7 00:00:29,881 --> 00:00:32,321 Speaker 2: Besties segment with Ashy and Tiana. 8 00:00:32,521 --> 00:00:35,241 Speaker 1: We love our Tuesday's Advice segment. Remember this is just 9 00:00:35,281 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: two best friends sitting on a couch giving advice that 10 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,921 Speaker 1: we would give to each other if we were in 11 00:00:39,961 --> 00:00:43,481 Speaker 1: the situation that you're in. Remember these are completely anonymous. 12 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:45,561 Speaker 1: We have no idea who you are. And if you 13 00:00:45,601 --> 00:00:47,681 Speaker 1: want to submit something, you can click the link in 14 00:00:47,721 --> 00:00:50,681 Speaker 1: the description box below. Just scroll down. It's there, and 15 00:00:50,681 --> 00:00:52,841 Speaker 1: we'd love to give you advice. It's every single Tuesday. 16 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,601 Speaker 1: These episodes are nice and short and sweet, but it's 17 00:00:55,761 --> 00:00:59,121 Speaker 1: just our unfiltered advice. So take it away. I will. 18 00:00:59,161 --> 00:01:02,840 Speaker 1: Today's submission is a year ago. I bumped into an 19 00:01:02,881 --> 00:01:05,801 Speaker 1: old flame, not an X, but we spent one night 20 00:01:05,881 --> 00:01:10,360 Speaker 1: together nineteen years ago and we're planning on seeing each other. 21 00:01:10,441 --> 00:01:13,761 Speaker 1: We were friends for years before this. We've always remained friends. 22 00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,200 Speaker 1: Friendship of twenty two years. He messaged me a couple 23 00:01:17,241 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: of times on Facebook, etc. But backstory is he didn't 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: pursue things with me, and he got back with his 25 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,680 Speaker 1: ex and they continued to get married for eighteen years 26 00:01:24,721 --> 00:01:29,481 Speaker 1: and have three kids. But now they're going through a divorce. 27 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:34,041 Speaker 1: We have stayed in contact frequently this last year, and 28 00:01:34,241 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: I feel like he needed a friend through the hard times. 29 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,881 Speaker 1: But I have developed feelings for him. I am also 30 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:45,161 Speaker 1: married with three children, still married. Is it a case 31 00:01:45,241 --> 00:01:47,801 Speaker 1: of you want what you can't have or is this 32 00:01:47,921 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 1: something more? This old flame isn't trying to win me over. 33 00:01:52,001 --> 00:01:53,961 Speaker 1: He just sees me as a friend as far as 34 00:01:54,001 --> 00:01:56,481 Speaker 1: I know, But I think I want more. 35 00:01:58,921 --> 00:02:02,121 Speaker 2: Oh girl, that's tough. 36 00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:05,001 Speaker 1: If this is me, I wouldn't go there. But also 37 00:02:05,121 --> 00:02:09,281 Speaker 1: questioning because for me in my marriage, it's like a 38 00:02:09,281 --> 00:02:12,801 Speaker 1: ton of vision when I'm hlugged into Steve, which is 39 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 1: always I love him. I want to be with him. 40 00:02:15,281 --> 00:02:17,801 Speaker 1: There's no other options. Yeah, I don't entertain it. I 41 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,001 Speaker 1: don't think about it. I don't fantasize about it. I 42 00:02:20,001 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: don't want anyone else. So if you have developed feelings 43 00:02:23,881 --> 00:02:26,041 Speaker 1: for someone else, I would say there's probably some cracks 44 00:02:26,041 --> 00:02:29,641 Speaker 1: in your marriage. Are you lacking desire? Are you creating 45 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,841 Speaker 1: more fun? Are you disconnected? Have you guys not been connecting? 46 00:02:32,881 --> 00:02:34,761 Speaker 1: How used to it? You're not having fun? Like I 47 00:02:34,761 --> 00:02:37,121 Speaker 1: would try and look at the cracks and see if 48 00:02:37,161 --> 00:02:39,240 Speaker 1: that's something that you can repair and bring back into 49 00:02:39,321 --> 00:02:42,161 Speaker 1: your marriage and see where you're playing your role. I 50 00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:44,681 Speaker 1: wouldn't be entertaining this, I'd be cutting the contact if 51 00:02:44,721 --> 00:02:46,561 Speaker 1: I as you, I agree, and I feel this is 52 00:02:46,561 --> 00:02:49,281 Speaker 1: a bit of not betrayal. But I wouldn't like to 53 00:02:49,281 --> 00:02:52,681 Speaker 1: know if my husband's talking to another female developing feelings 54 00:02:53,201 --> 00:02:55,361 Speaker 1: and when he's telling me that it's just a friendship, 55 00:02:55,361 --> 00:02:57,761 Speaker 1: but there's more there, Like that doesn't feel good. 56 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:01,720 Speaker 2: I feel zicky, especially if you're emotionally investing in another man, 57 00:03:01,841 --> 00:03:04,041 Speaker 2: like your attention, by the sounds of it, is going 58 00:03:04,041 --> 00:03:06,761 Speaker 2: to another man versus your husband. Yeah, and that's where 59 00:03:06,761 --> 00:03:09,761 Speaker 2: you start to create emotional distance with your current partner 60 00:03:09,761 --> 00:03:12,441 Speaker 2: who is your husband, right, And so I think that's 61 00:03:12,481 --> 00:03:13,921 Speaker 2: also something to look at, is like where are you 62 00:03:14,001 --> 00:03:16,881 Speaker 2: investing your time, Like you're emotionally investing in supporting this 63 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,561 Speaker 2: other man who is not your husband, versus are you 64 00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:21,081 Speaker 2: doing that with your actual husband? 65 00:03:21,161 --> 00:03:23,001 Speaker 1: Yeah? They have so much energy each day, so you're 66 00:03:23,001 --> 00:03:26,520 Speaker 1: giving it to this other man, and it's depleting your relationship. 67 00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 2: There's a difference as well, when you have friends and 68 00:03:29,841 --> 00:03:34,041 Speaker 2: you're emotionally supporting them, but it's totally platonic, Yes, totally platonic. 69 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,961 Speaker 2: You're there for them, you go through hardships together. That's 70 00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:41,401 Speaker 2: different story to emotionally supporting somebody and gaining feelings for them. 71 00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,601 Speaker 2: I think that in itself is a huge red flag 72 00:03:43,641 --> 00:03:46,481 Speaker 2: for you of wanting something that you maybe can't have, 73 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:49,481 Speaker 2: or maybe wanting to entertain something that you know feels 74 00:03:49,481 --> 00:03:51,521 Speaker 2: fun or maybe makes you feel desired or you're getting 75 00:03:51,521 --> 00:03:54,081 Speaker 2: a little bit more attention or something like that. So, like, 76 00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,521 Speaker 2: I agree with what you said, babe, of like looking 77 00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:58,281 Speaker 2: at your relationship of like where are the cracks in 78 00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:58,841 Speaker 2: the foundation? 79 00:03:59,041 --> 00:04:01,841 Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's one of those odd saying the grass 80 00:04:02,161 --> 00:04:04,001 Speaker 1: is not green now, the grass is green where you 81 00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:06,801 Speaker 1: water it. Yes, you're not watering your relationship because you're 82 00:04:06,841 --> 00:04:09,801 Speaker 1: watering it over there thinking it's greener over there. But 83 00:04:09,961 --> 00:04:12,761 Speaker 1: only you know what's happening inside your relationship. And if 84 00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:14,841 Speaker 1: you've got a beautiful man there that you can have 85 00:04:14,961 --> 00:04:18,641 Speaker 1: these open conversations with, have that honest conversation with yourself 86 00:04:18,681 --> 00:04:21,361 Speaker 1: first of what you're desiring and feeling like you're missing. Yeah, 87 00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:23,161 Speaker 1: and can you bring that into your current relationship? And 88 00:04:23,161 --> 00:04:26,520 Speaker 1: I reckon these maybe little feelings that you're getting from 89 00:04:26,521 --> 00:04:29,321 Speaker 1: the other man, I think they'll dissolve pretty quickly if 90 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:33,361 Speaker 1: you invest back into your relationship. Yeah, round it out, 91 00:04:33,681 --> 00:04:35,161 Speaker 1: dry it out, dry it out. Yeah. 92 00:04:35,161 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 2: I think it's like maybe a case of wanting what 93 00:04:37,481 --> 00:04:39,320 Speaker 2: you can't have, or wanting what you think you can't. 94 00:04:39,121 --> 00:04:41,921 Speaker 1: Which sounds exciting but it's not and it is. 95 00:04:42,001 --> 00:04:44,081 Speaker 2: Yeah, And that's also something to look at as well, 96 00:04:44,081 --> 00:04:45,681 Speaker 2: because this man is not sure an interest in you 97 00:04:45,761 --> 00:04:48,121 Speaker 2: at all in terms of than friends. 98 00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:50,241 Speaker 1: He's just going through a hard time. He's probably missing as. 99 00:04:50,761 --> 00:04:53,121 Speaker 2: X Y and obviously like he that's right, And obviously 100 00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:55,521 Speaker 2: he's gaining something from the connection that you guys have 101 00:04:55,721 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 2: andal support, which is a huge thing that women invest 102 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,921 Speaker 2: into relationships. But maybe even looking at like where you 103 00:05:01,961 --> 00:05:04,921 Speaker 2: are maybe like emotionally unavailable in your relationship, right, because 104 00:05:05,521 --> 00:05:07,081 Speaker 2: when I look at that and I think, oh, wow, 105 00:05:07,121 --> 00:05:09,840 Speaker 2: you're wanting potentially wanting somebody who doesn't want you back. 106 00:05:10,001 --> 00:05:11,321 Speaker 2: That's emotional and availability. 107 00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:14,001 Speaker 1: Yeah, so true. So it's just something to look at, 108 00:05:14,001 --> 00:05:15,121 Speaker 1: something to get curious about. 109 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 2: Yes, are you emotionally closed off in your current relationship 110 00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:21,921 Speaker 2: because you're now outsourcing that looking outside of you for 111 00:05:21,961 --> 00:05:22,841 Speaker 2: someone who you know. 112 00:05:22,961 --> 00:05:26,641 Speaker 1: Maybe you're wanting to prove your worth. Maybe good advice, 113 00:05:26,961 --> 00:05:29,641 Speaker 1: soo love and update. What are you going to do 114 00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:30,121 Speaker 1: from here? 115 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,841 Speaker 2: Honestly, if it were you, baby, but like, what the 116 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:37,320 Speaker 2: fuck you're doing? Yeah, it was like, but no, oh nonsense, Yeah, 117 00:05:37,361 --> 00:05:39,841 Speaker 2: we're not doing this, so babe, we're not doing this. 118 00:05:39,921 --> 00:05:42,081 Speaker 1: We're not doing this. Cut it off, yeah, cut it off. 119 00:05:42,361 --> 00:05:44,801 Speaker 1: Invest back into your relationship, but have some solo time 120 00:05:44,841 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: to really look at what you're needing, what you're missing, 121 00:05:47,201 --> 00:05:49,161 Speaker 1: what you're wanting out of your current relationship, and bring 122 00:05:49,201 --> 00:05:51,121 Speaker 1: it in there. You've committed to this man and not 123 00:05:51,161 --> 00:05:52,761 Speaker 1: saying you know you have to be with him if 124 00:05:52,761 --> 00:05:55,161 Speaker 1: you're truly not happy, but look at it first and 125 00:05:55,201 --> 00:05:57,521 Speaker 1: take responsibility and check in with yourself and be honest 126 00:05:57,561 --> 00:06:00,641 Speaker 1: with yourself. It's a big, hard conversation with yourself first, and. 127 00:06:00,601 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 2: You know what, it doesn't have to be a super 128 00:06:02,201 --> 00:06:04,841 Speaker 2: hard and scary conversation, like you can just look at 129 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 2: what it is that you're wanting more of, yeah, in 130 00:06:07,121 --> 00:06:09,041 Speaker 2: your relationship, and go oh, my God, and then bring 131 00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:12,201 Speaker 2: that into the relationship. Maybe you can initiate it some places, 132 00:06:12,281 --> 00:06:14,601 Speaker 2: maybe you can ask him to initiate it in some places, 133 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,041 Speaker 2: and you will find that the moment that you get 134 00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:19,400 Speaker 2: those needs met, you're going to be back to tunnel vision, 135 00:06:19,561 --> 00:06:21,561 Speaker 2: focused on getting back to tunnel vision. If this is 136 00:06:21,561 --> 00:06:22,401 Speaker 2: the man that you want to be. 137 00:06:22,361 --> 00:06:24,561 Speaker 1: With, and I know you've got three kids, I've got two, 138 00:06:25,081 --> 00:06:27,321 Speaker 1: I get times can feel a bit mundane sometimes if 139 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,041 Speaker 1: you're both stuck in your routines and get the kids 140 00:06:30,081 --> 00:06:31,801 Speaker 1: to school and you're going to work, you coming home, 141 00:06:31,801 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: you're going to bed, like it's very important for parents 142 00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 1: to be super aware not to get stuck in that 143 00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 1: where you're just like passing ships in a house and 144 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,161 Speaker 1: you feel like roommates and you feel like you're just 145 00:06:40,161 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: co parenting together under the same roof very easy. There's 146 00:06:43,081 --> 00:06:45,520 Speaker 1: been times where Steve and I have literally said that, like, gosh, 147 00:06:45,561 --> 00:06:47,121 Speaker 1: I literally feel like I'm a passing shit with you, 148 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,641 Speaker 1: And it's so important to make and find the time 149 00:06:50,681 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: to connect because otherwise you do feel like things are missing, 150 00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,361 Speaker 1: and it would be natural and normal to look outside 151 00:06:56,361 --> 00:06:59,161 Speaker 1: then and get excited or fantasized about something outside of 152 00:06:59,161 --> 00:07:01,561 Speaker 1: what is actually existing there, but you're just stuck in 153 00:07:01,561 --> 00:07:03,081 Speaker 1: a rut and you're not pouring into it and being 154 00:07:03,121 --> 00:07:06,281 Speaker 1: aware of where you're contributing to that relationship to take work. 155 00:07:06,641 --> 00:07:09,641 Speaker 1: It's not just easy rainbows butterflies, like it is at 156 00:07:09,641 --> 00:07:11,841 Speaker 1: the start of the honeymoon stage. It's a lot of 157 00:07:11,921 --> 00:07:18,481 Speaker 1: consistent showing up, awareness, conversations, effort, watering your grasp. 158 00:07:18,321 --> 00:07:22,001 Speaker 2: And consistently pivoting when the seasons change and go through 159 00:07:22,001 --> 00:07:23,241 Speaker 2: different moments. 160 00:07:22,841 --> 00:07:25,121 Speaker 1: And time, honoring your changes too. What you once desire 161 00:07:25,121 --> 00:07:27,481 Speaker 1: when you didn't have kids to who you are now 162 00:07:27,601 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: has probably completely changed, and that's okay. 163 00:07:29,961 --> 00:07:32,041 Speaker 2: And you know, what's something else that's interesting that just 164 00:07:32,081 --> 00:07:34,441 Speaker 2: popped into my head. Is that just checking with yourself 165 00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:35,921 Speaker 2: or what it is that you like about this man? 166 00:07:36,201 --> 00:07:38,681 Speaker 2: Like it might actually just be that you like the 167 00:07:38,761 --> 00:07:40,801 Speaker 2: version of you that comes out. 168 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,441 Speaker 1: That's true talk to him. Has it a more playful side? 169 00:07:43,641 --> 00:07:45,641 Speaker 1: Or is there something about you? Do you feel free 170 00:07:45,641 --> 00:07:47,761 Speaker 1: when you're around him, but at home you don't feel 171 00:07:47,761 --> 00:07:49,361 Speaker 1: free because you've got the kids and husband and it's 172 00:07:49,361 --> 00:07:50,481 Speaker 1: just like stressy. 173 00:07:50,281 --> 00:07:51,600 Speaker 2: Because at the end of the day, there's a feeling 174 00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:54,161 Speaker 2: that you're chasing it might be a version of you, 175 00:07:54,281 --> 00:07:56,481 Speaker 2: or maybe it might just be even qualities about that 176 00:07:56,481 --> 00:07:58,761 Speaker 2: man that you admire. Yeah, it doesn't have to be 177 00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:01,241 Speaker 2: labeled as feelings. It could be oh my god, well 178 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,761 Speaker 2: I really appreciate this about him, and it can be 179 00:08:03,921 --> 00:08:06,641 Speaker 2: just that true. So it's like, let's like explore all 180 00:08:06,641 --> 00:08:08,441 Speaker 2: of the options before we go and label them like, 181 00:08:08,441 --> 00:08:10,321 Speaker 2: oh my god, maybe I want more, Maybe you want 182 00:08:10,321 --> 00:08:11,961 Speaker 2: more of the feeling you get when you talk to him. 183 00:08:12,081 --> 00:08:14,121 Speaker 1: Yeah, let's explore that, and how can you get that 184 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,561 Speaker 1: in your current relationship? How can you give it to yourself? 185 00:08:16,841 --> 00:08:19,521 Speaker 2: Yeah? What version of you are you when he's around 186 00:08:19,561 --> 00:08:21,121 Speaker 2: that you want to bring into your everyday life. 187 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:24,561 Speaker 1: Let's focus on that. That's really good advice. Backdrop, we'll 188 00:08:24,561 --> 00:08:27,201 Speaker 1: give us an update. We'd love it. Any best advice. Yeah, 189 00:08:27,321 --> 00:08:28,041 Speaker 1: we rung it in. 190 00:08:28,401 --> 00:08:29,361 Speaker 2: Give us more context. 191 00:08:29,641 --> 00:08:31,801 Speaker 1: We'd love to hear it. Thank you for joining us, 192 00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:34,161 Speaker 1: and we'll see you tomorrow for another episode. Bye bye,