WEBVTT - #2153 Inside The Mind Of Addiction - Mick Hall 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:04.280 I'll get Hey, folks, it's new project Harps, Mikekel, Tiffany 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:09.280 and Cook Monday Morning, Bushy Tail at eleven oh seven 0:00:09.320 --> 0:00:11.680 in the thriving of Tropolis. Right now it's sunny. I 0:00:11.720 --> 0:00:13.600 don't know why I give you a weather report every 0:00:13.600 --> 0:00:16.040 time I do a fucking podcast. I think old habits 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:19.960 die hard, back to se N radio and GOLDFM radio 0:00:20.040 --> 0:00:22.279 and light FM radio, where we used to have to 0:00:22.320 --> 0:00:26.159 do weather checks and time checks and station IDs and 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:29.240 intros and outros and all that shit. It still hangs 0:00:29.240 --> 0:00:30.920 around a bit high, tiff. 0:00:31.640 --> 0:00:34.080 I don't minder whether check when it's a sunny outside 0:00:34.120 --> 0:00:34.959 at this time a year. 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:37.040 Well, it's not too bad. It was meant to be 0:00:37.120 --> 0:00:39.199 shite this week, but I think today it's going to 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:43.000 be sunny till around lunch and then a little bit 0:00:43.000 --> 0:00:48.800 of precipitation. As James Bunn says, it's nearly lunchtime it is. 0:00:48.920 --> 0:00:51.800 I know. That's okay. We'll enjoy it while it's here. Yeah, 0:00:51.840 --> 0:00:54.120 well we'll have a nice time. I'll have a nice 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:56.000 time looking at the sun out the window. Then I'll 0:00:56.000 --> 0:00:59.160 get off the podcast and i'll start raining. That's all right. 0:00:59.240 --> 0:01:01.920 First worldies, tip, did you have a good weekend. 0:01:02.360 --> 0:01:05.280 I had a wonderful weekend. It'spen birthday week at a 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:07.920 big weekend. It was sunny on my birthday. It never is, 0:01:08.040 --> 0:01:11.160 so you know, cheers to me. 0:01:11.920 --> 0:01:14.679 Wow, cheers to you. Did you get weighted on hand 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:15.640 and foot by your bloke? 0:01:16.200 --> 0:01:16.520 Did I? 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:20.199 Ever? What did he? Of course, there's a few things 0:01:20.240 --> 0:01:22.080 you can't share that he did, but of the things 0:01:22.120 --> 0:01:27.360 that you can share, although we're pretty open minded, so 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:30.520 you know, whatever door you want to open. And remember 0:01:30.560 --> 0:01:32.880 that seventy eighty percent of our listeners of women don't 0:01:32.920 --> 0:01:35.560 ask me why, but they love a good story. They 0:01:35.840 --> 0:01:38.959 love a good story. So feel free. I'm not pushing 0:01:38.959 --> 0:01:42.040 you in any direction, but feel free to go wherever 0:01:42.080 --> 0:01:45.440 you want. So what did he do for you? Oh? 0:01:45.560 --> 0:01:48.680 Look? Just Birthday week started a week ago and I 0:01:48.840 --> 0:01:52.280 just had little just a drip feed of little presents 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:56.760 every day, and you know, just the usual, really getting 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:59.840 cooked for every day and loved every day. 0:02:02.720 --> 0:02:03.280 We went for a. 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:05.480 Little trip down to the Dandy Kong's. 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:09.160 If somebody had just said to me two years ago, 0:02:09.360 --> 0:02:11.520 it's going to fall head over heels in love with 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:14.280 a man, or even that would have just a man 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:18.359 that would have been a start, but a man, and 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:22.519 she's going to be all google. He's going to stay 0:02:22.520 --> 0:02:25.239 at her joint, she's going to stay at his. And 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:27.840 when I talked to her, she's only saying nice things. 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:32.119 She's not neurotic and paranoid and worried about where it's 0:02:32.200 --> 0:02:36.960 going or he's fucking motives or you are. Do not 0:02:37.120 --> 0:02:40.760 let her go because I reckon right now, this is 0:02:40.800 --> 0:02:47.000 it for you like this, This is the time. Mikeldo's security. 0:02:47.240 --> 0:02:51.680 I'm doing the actual wedding. Mickle makes sure there's no 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:55.400 riff raff other than him and I there and what 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:57.200 could go wrong? Could go wrong? 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:00.760 Love the hell. 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:03.920 Now, last time we spoke, which was a long time ago, 0:03:03.960 --> 0:03:07.840 about a week, have you narrowed down? Have we got 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:11.920 any kind of date? Are we looking? No? I mean 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:15.120 I've got just because I've got a busy schedule, so 0:03:15.200 --> 0:03:16.880 I need to kind of lock it in. I don't 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:17.680 want you to miss out. 0:03:18.120 --> 0:03:20.120 Just going to give a shout out to Lisa Cahney. 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:23.760 Please don't feed Harper any more ideas about this topic. 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:26.800 Don't encourage it doesn't need any more encouragement. 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:30.760 That's the closest I get, you know, I love a 0:03:30.800 --> 0:03:36.040 good wedding as long as I'm involved in the official part. Otherwise, 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:37.320 you know, I'm not interested. 0:03:37.960 --> 0:03:40.920 There's no need for any wedding talk at this point 0:03:40.960 --> 0:03:43.080 in time. It's been three and a half minutes. It's 0:03:43.080 --> 0:03:45.160 been three and a half minute taps. I've still got 0:03:45.160 --> 0:03:45.960 my l plates on. 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:52.040 It's definitely not three and a half minutes. McK hall, 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:53.640 welcome back. How are you? 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:56.440 Hello, tobably the morning to you all. 0:03:57.440 --> 0:03:59.800 Where are you? Are you over in the thriving metropolis 0:03:59.800 --> 0:04:02.440 of Bloody? Where is it glenn Waverley? 0:04:02.840 --> 0:04:06.040 Yeah, yeah, kind of glen Wavery area, Craig. We'll call 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:07.280 it Wheelers. 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:12.280 Hill, we'll call it that, We'll call it over there, yeah, 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:15.680 not near the beach. Have you been well mate? What's happening? 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.880 What's new? Were you? Are you happy? 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:20.160 Boy? 0:04:20.240 --> 0:04:22.039 Have you got a girl on the go? Are you? 0:04:22.320 --> 0:04:24.920 Are you still punching people in the face in the ring? 0:04:25.480 --> 0:04:27.080 Yeah, let's talk about that. That's the most. 0:04:27.360 --> 0:04:30.400 That's the most. The happiest thing is that. Yeah, punching 0:04:30.440 --> 0:04:33.279 people in the face. That's awesome. So I'm fighting again 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:36.800 in six weeks, fight number twenty seven. 0:04:37.520 --> 0:04:40.480 Yeah, and I'm looking forward to it. 0:04:40.560 --> 0:04:41.000 Yeah. Yeah. 0:04:41.400 --> 0:04:46.080 In the middle of preparation, which is always, as Tiff 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:49.880 would know, it's a you know, it's a bit of 0:04:49.920 --> 0:04:54.760 a tumultuous time, you know, running a business, you know, 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:59.400 doing podcasts and in the middle of preparation and trying 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:03.279 to keep myself focused on what's coming up and concentrating 0:05:03.320 --> 0:05:06.000 on my training and my eating and everything else. 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:09.360 It's always, you know, I enjoy that process, but it's 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:10.599 it doesn't mean it's easy. 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:14.800 What are the I'll ask this to both of you pugilists. 0:05:14.960 --> 0:05:17.680 What will start with you, Tiv, What are the main 0:05:17.760 --> 0:05:21.560 emotions around Like you're coming up to a fight, it's 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:25.080 a week or two away, like your visions kind of 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:28.520 narrowing on that. Everything else is a bit of external noise. 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:31.000 You've still got to do life, but you also need 0:05:31.080 --> 0:05:34.320 to be highly focused and prepped and ready. What are 0:05:34.320 --> 0:05:38.839 the emotions? Is it fear? Anxiety? Is it excitement? What 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:39.200 is it? 0:05:39.839 --> 0:05:44.440 I think it's the recognition that it's all of those things, 0:05:45.279 --> 0:05:47.840 and you manage your mind as to what you call it, 0:05:48.320 --> 0:05:51.440 and that gets very very important that close to the fight. 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:55.760 So you've got you've got that a buzz of emotion constantly, 0:05:55.920 --> 0:06:00.280 and for me it is the only thing you think about, 0:06:00.360 --> 0:06:02.960 So everything else comes secondary to that, which can be 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:05.719 problematic in business. Can't it make yeah yeah, just a 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:08.479 little bit yeah yeah, And then it's going, Okay, these 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:10.760 are the emotions and this is what my mind might 0:06:10.839 --> 0:06:13.080 tell me this is all about. But this is what 0:06:13.120 --> 0:06:15.039 we need to frame it as so that we have 0:06:15.080 --> 0:06:18.640 a positive relationship with the chaos that is pulsing through 0:06:18.640 --> 0:06:19.120 my body. 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:23.400 Wow. I've worked with lots of athletes, lots of teams 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:27.640 and professional and amateur athletes, but interesting, I used to 0:06:27.680 --> 0:06:32.719 really pay attention to all the high level athletes and 0:06:32.760 --> 0:06:36.719 their rituals and rules and their practices about their prep 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:41.440 and especially at an AFL level where you've got like 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:45.239 kind of you know, twenty to twenty four guys getting 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:48.360 ready and they all have their own little things that 0:06:48.400 --> 0:06:51.960 they do. And at the National Netball League, same Do 0:06:52.040 --> 0:06:55.600 you have any rituals that you're a bit superstitious about 0:06:56.440 --> 0:06:58.440 or things that you will do all the time or 0:06:58.520 --> 0:07:00.680 won't do at all or not really? 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:06.280 Tiff, I used to I used to have red and 0:07:06.360 --> 0:07:09.560 black jelly beans before the fight. That was my like 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:12.280 I had because I had those on the first fight night. 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:15.200 It was a thing that I had to do every time. 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:20.559 That was really the only funny weird ritualed it. Yeah, 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:22.200 and I remember doing that on the last fight, so 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:24.080 it was like, I don't think you need more sugar, mate. 0:07:24.120 --> 0:07:26.680 I think if plenty amped up this time around. 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:30.080 So your logic was I had these jelly beans this color, 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:31.920 and I won, so I got to stick with that. 0:07:32.200 --> 0:07:36.520 Oh yeah, yep, makes all lot of sense. But you 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:39.760 know what the funny thing is. Obviously it's not about 0:07:39.760 --> 0:07:41.680 the jelly beans, but it's about the belief in the 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:47.640 jelly beans. So if that ritual or that idea actually 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:51.119 gives you more confidence or a little bit less fear 0:07:51.120 --> 0:07:54.080 and anxiety because you know that in your mind you 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:56.280 did the thing that helped you win last time. Now 0:07:56.280 --> 0:07:59.600 you're doing that thing again, So you're improving the odds, 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:02.080 you know, even though you're not actually but in your 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:05.480 mind you are, which means in the world you actually are. 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:09.440 I think it for me, maybe it comes down to familiarity. 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:13.600 If I can create something that gives me familiarity with 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:16.800 the last time I remember doing this and having a 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:20.200 good outcome, then I have some sense of control. I've 0:08:20.200 --> 0:08:24.480 done it. I've done it with speaking before where I go, oh, 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:26.800 this this is how I felt, this is how I 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:30.000 remember it. So I need to find a way to 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:33.520 put myself in that state so that I can perform 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:35.000 and have that outcome. 0:08:35.760 --> 0:08:39.680 Yeah, I have little rituels we're speaking too. If I've 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:42.640 got a big, big group, like five hundred to one thousand, 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:45.920 I really don't want to talk to anyone much before. 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.720 Like I'll talk to the organizers or the whatever, but 0:08:49.760 --> 0:08:52.800 then I'll go and find somewhere where you know, if 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.160 I'm speaking at nine point thirty, I literally stay in 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:58.640 that room until nine twenty eight. Ok. Yeah, I just 0:08:58.679 --> 0:09:01.480 want to be focused and I don't want to be 0:09:01.520 --> 0:09:05.679 meeting people, shaking hands, answering questions, you know, all that stuff. 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:09.320 I'll do all of that later, but beforehand. What about you, Michael, 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:12.480 with boxing, have you got any quirky little idiosyncrasies. 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:14.600 Yeah, I've got plenty of them. I've actually got quite 0:09:14.640 --> 0:09:14.920 a few. 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:18.640 But there's certainly I love the whole process of fighting 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.360 and the whole build up, you know, but that's said 0:09:21.400 --> 0:09:23.600 through I've got to be a really particular in the 0:09:23.640 --> 0:09:25.720 way that I go about it. As Tiff was saying, 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:29.240 she had the jelly beans. Well, I eat about a 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:38.800 packet a full packet of fun sized Mars bars, so 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:41.040 the old fun sized Mars bars pot. And I also 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:45.280 don't mind a good packet of fun sized Snickers either. 0:09:45.920 --> 0:09:48.600 They seem to tickle my fancy quite well. 0:09:49.960 --> 0:09:50.480 They get me. 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:53.640 How do you not go into the and this is 0:09:53.679 --> 0:09:56.559 after you've eaten four lettuce leaves over the last month, 0:09:57.200 --> 0:09:59.680 And how do you not go into the fight with 0:09:59.760 --> 0:10:00.600 a guts sake? 0:10:01.840 --> 0:10:05.760 Well, I mean for us, the wighing is the night before, 0:10:06.679 --> 0:10:09.319 not before the fight. So by the time and I 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:12.600 always say to people, to other fighters, that you only 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:16.840 have to hit your fight weight for about thirty seconds 0:10:18.559 --> 0:10:20.480 and then as soon as you step off the scale 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:21.480 that it then becomes. 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:25.079 The other part of the fight game or the weight. 0:10:25.040 --> 0:10:30.120 Game, is how you rehydrate and how you renourish yourself 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:32.560 and the system that you put in place to do 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:35.280 that so that you can be at your best when 0:10:35.320 --> 0:10:37.640 it comes by time. And so I just love all 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:39.839 that process, and I've got lots of rituals and stuff 0:10:39.880 --> 0:10:43.160 around that certainly before I think for me, the most 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:50.280 dangerous part psychologically before a fight is about more about 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:53.320 twenty seconds before it's time to walk out to the ring. 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:58.480 Walking music starts, and then it's very important to have 0:10:58.520 --> 0:11:02.240 the psychological stuff in check, you know, Like I mean, 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:05.360 I can my head can go on me and knee 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:10.319 in different directions in three seconds. So that's where you 0:11:10.360 --> 0:11:14.760 rely on all of your processes and your rituals leading 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:17.520 up to that point. It's in those moments that I 0:11:17.559 --> 0:11:19.320 can lean on them. I can just laid back in them. 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:21.800 Go now, I've ticked every box, I've done everything. All 0:11:21.800 --> 0:11:22.920 the demons can't get me. 0:11:23.880 --> 0:11:27.120 Wow. Wow. I won't say who it was, but when 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:30.200 I was killed to one of the one of the 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:36.800 players every week would about five to ten minutes before 0:11:36.840 --> 0:11:42.080 the game be sick as in literally every week he 0:11:42.120 --> 0:11:46.280 would go and vomit. Yeah. Yeah, I get sorry everybody, 0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:49.800 but he and it was was something he wanted to do, 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:53.440 but I'm sure eventually it just became hard wired to 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:56.160 his brain. And he's yeah, because he would get so 0:11:56.400 --> 0:12:00.360 nervous before the game. Yeah, because you're he was something 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.080 of an introvert and you're about to run on a 0:12:03.120 --> 0:12:06.480 bad day, twenty thousand people on a big day at 0:12:06.520 --> 0:12:12.800 the MCG seventy or eighty or sixty thousand people. Yeah yeah, 0:12:12.840 --> 0:12:15.920 and blokes wearing the same jocks till they would obliterate, 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:25.319 they'd just come apart. Yeah yeah, not that hygienic, all right. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:28.840 So I thought we might have a chat today about 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:34.840 we'll open the addiction door again, but we want to 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:39.200 go slightly different angle. We've spoken quite a bit, not 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:42.520 to other I mean you mostly about addiction, but also 0:12:44.240 --> 0:12:47.080 which I never really thought I would, but with David Gillespie, 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:49.720 who's I don't know if you know who he is, 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:52.000 but he's on regularly and he works in the space 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:55.680 of kind of a lot of brain stuff and addiction 0:12:55.840 --> 0:13:00.520 stuff around lately, a lot of addiction stuff around, you know, 0:13:00.600 --> 0:13:05.600 technology and AI and more specifically Instagram, Facebook or the 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:10.760 social platforms, and what's actually happening within the brain, So 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:13.840 not so much the mind the thinking, but more about 0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:18.600 the literal neurological and physiological changes that happen in the brain, 0:13:18.720 --> 0:13:25.040 the impact on focus and attention and cognitive ability and 0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:28.360 even IQ. When people start to get addicted to this 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:30.120 thing in front of them and they're kind of their 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:33.960 brain goes offline. Literally, their ability to think and reason 0:13:34.480 --> 0:13:37.880 and problem solve and focus diminishes because of this thing, 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:43.680 not unlike with other addictions. But so I want to 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:46.560 talk about a few of your stories, and one or 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:48.240 two have got a little bit of their time on 0:13:48.360 --> 0:13:51.800 here before everyone. Some of you may have, I think 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:55.120 most of you probably haven't, but think of that as 0:13:55.120 --> 0:13:58.520 a little bit of a rewind or a vision. But 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:03.520 then I want to unpack was happening. So I remember 0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:07.960 you telling a story about when you were in jail. 0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:12.240 I don't want to preempt it too much or you 0:14:12.240 --> 0:14:16.560 you've just gotten into, you know, a new facility and 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:22.800 you met a young bloke who wanted a cigarette. So 0:14:22.920 --> 0:14:25.520 set this story up and give us that kind of. 0:14:27.320 --> 0:14:35.280 Yeah, yeah, okay, Well, I mean I've got into a 0:14:35.320 --> 0:14:37.640 bit of trouble in my addition. Funnily enough, I got 0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:41.080 into a little bit of trouble and I was sent 0:14:41.120 --> 0:14:45.000 to prison, and I was in a different states to Victoria, 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:48.800 and I was to hit the prison system. I was 0:14:48.840 --> 0:14:53.000 hit to hit a maximum security prison. On my first day, 0:14:53.200 --> 0:14:56.360 when I walked into this prison, it was it was 0:14:56.400 --> 0:15:00.000 a pretty frightening experience. Actually I'd done prison down in Melbourne, 0:15:00.960 --> 0:15:03.400 but I hadn't been in this other state before, and 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.040 so I didn't know anyone up there, and it was 0:15:06.080 --> 0:15:10.560 a very high tension, maximum security prison, so you could 0:15:10.600 --> 0:15:12.880 just kind of feel the danger in the air, you know. 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.200 It was just was a yucky feeling. It was awful. 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:18.800 And when you first go into prison, you go into 0:15:18.920 --> 0:15:22.600 what's called like an induction unit, as a separate unit 0:15:22.640 --> 0:15:23.920 to the rest of the prison. 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:25.040 And you go in there and you're kind of locked 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:26.200 in this place. 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:31.080 With all these guys that are not happy about being there, 0:15:31.800 --> 0:15:33.360 and it just so happens. 0:15:33.440 --> 0:15:34.680 On my first day, there was. 0:15:34.600 --> 0:15:38.320 A young young guy in there who's pretty tough, young guy, 0:15:38.360 --> 0:15:43.880 pretty big, pretty tough, and he approached me and asked 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:47.120 me for a cigarette. And that sounds like a pretty 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:51.520 sort of, you know, easy thing to deal with in 0:15:51.600 --> 0:15:55.960 an easy situation, but it's really not, because what this 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:58.760 guy was doing he was trying to play me, and 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:01.400 if I gave him a cigarett, than he was going 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:04.880 to then stand over me and try and control me 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.000 through my prison sentence. So I had to I had 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:13.000 to tell him no, and that wasn't easy. I just 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:16.640 basically said no, how big was this guy. 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:22.800 Well compared to me my size? 0:16:23.040 --> 0:16:26.360 Where we're talking about a young you know, a young 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:32.640 twenty three year old, you know, samoan kind of angry, 0:16:33.440 --> 0:16:39.760 violent young man who could put him up no worries 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:44.040 and was actually considered the toughest. 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:44.480 Guy in the unit. 0:16:44.560 --> 0:16:46.320 And so when this guy comes and asks you for 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:50.440 a smoke and you say no, he's not liking it 0:16:50.480 --> 0:16:53.840 too much. So in that situation, what happened is is 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.880 that he started to well, he started to call me 0:16:57.920 --> 0:16:59.920 a few names, which is, you know, on the outside, 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:02.160 well doesn't mean anything. You know, sticks and stones can 0:17:02.200 --> 0:17:04.840 break my bones, but names can never hurt me. Well, 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:08.280 in prison, names are pretty dangerous, and when you call 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:14.560 people certain things, you're obliged to retaliate. And look, I 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:16.840 wasn't feeling too good about retaliating, I can tell you 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:22.280 not too good at all. But anyway, through the process 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:24.160 of this guy sort of really getting sort of stuck 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:30.120 into me verbally, the prison guards yelled out, muster up, 0:17:30.160 --> 0:17:31.960 which means that it was lockdown time. 0:17:32.119 --> 0:17:35.080 Thank goodness. Now, lock muster up means is you've got 0:17:35.119 --> 0:17:36.720 to go and stand in front of your cell door. 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.159 The prison officers come through, they count, they do a 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:42.360 head count, and then I lock you in your cell 0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:42.880 for the night. 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:47.160 And this guy that had kind of been hastling me and. 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:50.000 Threatening me just so happened to be in the cell 0:17:50.119 --> 0:17:53.800 right next door to mine, and yeah, that was great. 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:56.640 And then as the prison officer was about to lock 0:17:56.680 --> 0:17:58.920 me in myself for the night, I glanced over at 0:17:58.960 --> 0:18:01.600 this young fella and he looked at me and he 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:04.960 ran his index finger across his neck as if to say, tomorrow, 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:07.080 I'm going to cut your head off. And that was 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:11.040 a lovely good night kiss for me. And I was 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:14.879 locked in my soul for the night, left with me 0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:16.919 and the thought of what's going to happen to me 0:18:16.960 --> 0:18:20.920 tomorrow and what predicament I'm in. And it was a terrifying, 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:25.760 terrifying experience. I was left in my cell. I was 0:18:25.800 --> 0:18:28.120 in a one out self, so there was no other 0:18:28.160 --> 0:18:29.560 prisoners in there was just me in there. 0:18:29.600 --> 0:18:33.280 And this particular cell had a shower, which was very rare. 0:18:33.320 --> 0:18:38.400 But thank goodness, I say thank goodness because I spent 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:42.960 most of the nights standing under the shower, crying and 0:18:43.680 --> 0:18:46.600 absolutely thinking what am I going to do? Like I'm 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:50.119 actually dead. I'm dead. I was on remand at the 0:18:50.160 --> 0:18:53.200 times I hadn't been sentenced yet, but I've been told 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:55.760 by my solicitors that I was going to get five years, 0:18:57.080 --> 0:19:00.240 and so I thought, here, i am day one of 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:05.960 possibly five years prison, and I'm already being stood over 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:15.040 and I'm in grave danger of being controlled. So say, look, 0:19:15.080 --> 0:19:16.600 I had to sort of wrestle with that all night, 0:19:16.720 --> 0:19:19.480 and it was a horrendous night. And you know what, 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:23.639 It's funny what happens when you know, like, I'm not 0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:24.760 a religious person. 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:27.359 Okay, I'm really not. 0:19:27.480 --> 0:19:29.520 I've never read a Bible, and I don't go to 0:19:29.600 --> 0:19:32.800 church or anything like that, and I'm not a religious person, 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:35.119 not an atheist, but I'm not a religious person. 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.320 It's funny what you do when your life in danger. 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:42.119 Because as I was crying under the shower, I'm praying 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:47.560 to God, Please God help me, Please help me. And 0:19:47.680 --> 0:19:51.160 I prayed like you wouldn't believe. Now, there wasn't any 0:19:51.160 --> 0:19:54.400 little birdies come flying in through the bars and whistling 0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:59.199 little secrets in my ear. But I did feel a 0:19:59.280 --> 0:20:03.280 lump in my chest drop, and just a level of 0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:07.119 acceptance happened, and I just realized that, you know what, 0:20:07.720 --> 0:20:11.160 no matter what happens, I'm not going to lay down. 0:20:11.240 --> 0:20:12.919 I'm going to go out and front this head on 0:20:13.080 --> 0:20:17.840 and even if I'm hurt, if I'm killed, I don't care. 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:21.479 I'm going to stand up for me. I'm not going 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:26.040 to live my life in this place in fear and 0:20:26.119 --> 0:20:29.359 being controlled. And I made that decision. And when I 0:20:29.400 --> 0:20:32.200 did it, kind of it didn't take all the fear away, obviously, 0:20:32.320 --> 0:20:35.879 but it certainly settled me down. And I just knew 0:20:35.920 --> 0:20:39.560 that I kind of turned a corner. I can't really 0:20:39.560 --> 0:20:41.240 explain it any better than that, but I just sort 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:42.959 of turned a corner internally, you know. 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:47.240 I just became willing to do whatever it takes. 0:20:48.200 --> 0:20:53.240 Was part of that, almost like surrendering and going, not 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:56.320 as in giving up. Yes, It's like whatever's going to 0:20:56.359 --> 0:20:59.960 happen is going to happen. Yes, And I can overthink 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.960 the shit out of this all night. That won't fix 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:04.240 or change the outcome. 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:09.480 Yep, just go, Or I can submit and then become 0:21:09.840 --> 0:21:14.360 completely nutterly controlled and abused. Yeah, you know, so I 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:16.720 had to just and you're right, that's exactly what it is. 0:21:16.720 --> 0:21:20.360 I call it surrender to win. In order to win this, 0:21:21.160 --> 0:21:23.399 I had to surrender and that just meant just to go, 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:27.480 you know what, nothing, I have to front this. And look, 0:21:27.600 --> 0:21:29.639 I can tell you that it was a horrendous, one 0:21:29.680 --> 0:21:32.880 of the most horrific nights of my life that night 0:21:32.920 --> 0:21:35.680 in that cell, and I remember, I think it was about. 0:21:35.480 --> 0:21:37.600 Seven o'clock or seven thirty the next morning. 0:21:39.040 --> 0:21:41.800 The prison guards, sorry, any prison guards are out there, 0:21:41.840 --> 0:21:45.800 but we used to call them screws, So the screw 0:21:45.840 --> 0:21:46.240 would come. 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:48.240 You know what, I don't think the screws are offended. 0:21:48.359 --> 0:21:50.760 I think, well, you never know. 0:21:50.960 --> 0:21:54.040 But anyway, so the screws come to unlock the door 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:56.360 at seven or seven thirty in the morning, whatever it is. 0:21:57.160 --> 0:21:59.680 And by the way, real prison is not when you 0:21:59.760 --> 0:22:03.159 locked in your cell. By the way, real prison is 0:22:03.160 --> 0:22:04.960 when they unlocked the door and you've got to go 0:22:05.040 --> 0:22:07.199 walk out into the yard into the jungle with the 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:08.280 rest of the beasts. 0:22:08.480 --> 0:22:11.680 That's a prison being locked in yourselves. 0:22:11.680 --> 0:22:12.200 Easy bit. 0:22:13.840 --> 0:22:15.919 So when he came and unlocked the door and the 0:22:15.960 --> 0:22:18.440 door swung open, of course, my heart was raising about 0:22:18.520 --> 0:22:22.400 four million and a half thousand miles an hour, and I. 0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:24.280 Just thought, right, I'm got to go out and front this. 0:22:24.440 --> 0:22:28.439