1
00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:02,960
Speaker 1: I'll get a team It's to you project for the

2
00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:08,160
Speaker 1: second time, and take two Tiffany and Cook Roberts Capuccio

3
00:00:08,280 --> 00:00:11,120
Speaker 1: over there on the west coast of the United States

4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,720
Speaker 1: will start with tiff Who's down the bottom of Australia

5
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,160
Speaker 1: High Tiff High.

6
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,000
Speaker 2: So I have a sneaking suspicion this is going to

7
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:19,920
Speaker 2: be a fun show.

8
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,360
Speaker 3: No, it could be. It could be.

9
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,599
Speaker 1: It's always good when we get Boy Wonder on. You

10
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,800
Speaker 1: never know what's going to happen. He told us before

11
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,840
Speaker 1: we went live that in a crisis, like a high

12
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:34,400
Speaker 1: level crisis, he's amazing, but low level crisis not so good.

13
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:36,519
Speaker 3: What's that about, Bobby.

14
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,800
Speaker 4: I think I just do the opposite of what everybody

15
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,239
Speaker 4: else does. I think there's a certain level of pressure

16
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,600
Speaker 4: where I just calm down whether people would freak out,

17
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,279
Speaker 4: But in instances where most people would be calm.

18
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:50,240
Speaker 1: They freak out. I've been around you once or twice

19
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:51,080
Speaker 1: when you've freaked out.

20
00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:51,640
Speaker 3: It's interesting.

21
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,720
Speaker 1: I want to be around you when there's a real catastrophe,

22
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,160
Speaker 1: just to you bask in your calm.

23
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,040
Speaker 4: I don't know got that way, I don't know. I

24
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,800
Speaker 4: don't know if I can blame Tatt's I don't know.

25
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,680
Speaker 4: Maybe it's like a migdala hijack, Like maybe I haven't

26
00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,760
Speaker 4: just an enlarged a megala. A MiG dollar amidal is

27
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,479
Speaker 4: probably massive and that triggers me. So they like run

28
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,560
Speaker 4: out of whole milk at the coffee shop. Make it

29
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:18,600
Speaker 4: the cappuccino crisis, right, something that's real.

30
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,319
Speaker 3: That's what I look for in a potential.

31
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,640
Speaker 1: That's what we look for in a man, Tiff and I,

32
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,000
Speaker 1: we look for a blake with a bigger migdala.

33
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:27,960
Speaker 3: You send the size of it is amigdala?

34
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:28,800
Speaker 1: Fucking hell?

35
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,640
Speaker 3: Is that a bigger migdala? Are you just happy to

36
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:32,039
Speaker 3: see me?

37
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,680
Speaker 4: Doctor Roy Sugarman, I don't know. I don't know how

38
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:39,560
Speaker 4: big he's a migdala?

39
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:39,760
Speaker 2: Is?

40
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,320
Speaker 4: It just never came up in conversation.

41
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,480
Speaker 1: Why did you hold your hands apart like you just

42
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,679
Speaker 1: caught a fish?

43
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,640
Speaker 3: What all right? So for everyone who's gone, what are

44
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:51,240
Speaker 3: they talking about?

45
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:54,560
Speaker 1: A MiG dollar is in simple terms like the emotional

46
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,720
Speaker 1: EPI center of the brain, keep.

47
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:01,680
Speaker 4: Going, oh yeah, So he told me that prior to

48
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,040
Speaker 4: a seminar, my brain would function better because of the

49
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:09,120
Speaker 4: intense adhd if I did something to elevate my CTCOL

50
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:14,480
Speaker 4: means my stress horlone levels because whilst other people it

51
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,320
Speaker 4: adversely affects their focus, for people with ADHD, it can

52
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,600
Speaker 4: actually improve mine.

53
00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:21,960
Speaker 3: So that's great.

54
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,560
Speaker 1: So what like, for example, for example, to do, like,

55
00:02:25,639 --> 00:02:28,680
Speaker 1: what what should you do that I shouldn't do? You

56
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,160
Speaker 1: with IDHD me without it? Although that's debatable. Tips definitely

57
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,880
Speaker 1: got it. In fact, we've all probably got it. Maybe

58
00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,720
Speaker 1: it's something that's transient. So what should you do to

59
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,960
Speaker 1: get the best out of you? If you're going into

60
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:46,600
Speaker 1: a presentation or something, don't look at.

61
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,640
Speaker 4: The content until I get into the room. Like if

62
00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:52,160
Speaker 4: I'm doing a conference, obviously, if I'm going there to

63
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,960
Speaker 4: do one thing, this doesn't work. But if you're at

64
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,799
Speaker 4: a conference and you're slated for four or five slots,

65
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,919
Speaker 4: don't look at your material. So that's it. You got

66
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,240
Speaker 4: five seconds. It's a surprise to you. The people in

67
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,840
Speaker 4: the room know more about what you're going to talk

68
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,320
Speaker 4: about than you do. You see it, that's a lot

69
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,320
Speaker 4: of pressure and it'll help you focus.

70
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:15,360
Speaker 1: Do you think you are better under pressure, like real

71
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,800
Speaker 1: pressure than the average person or worse or about the same.

72
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:24,360
Speaker 4: I think it's context dependent, Like again, real pressure, like

73
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:28,600
Speaker 4: a work related situation. Presenting a little bit of pressure

74
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,200
Speaker 4: definitely increases my performance.

75
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,120
Speaker 1: But what about something You've got to stop talking about

76
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,120
Speaker 1: work for this episode presenting, and we got in trouble,

77
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,040
Speaker 1: you know, we got in trouble for talking about coaching.

78
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,760
Speaker 1: A lady sent us some email. Shout out to that lady.

79
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:48,000
Speaker 1: Third time this year we've talked about coaching, and I

80
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,160
Speaker 1: think it was a lady. Melissa told me I didn't

81
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,640
Speaker 1: see it, but shout out to that person.

82
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,600
Speaker 3: What about shoes crossed? About that? Well? I think I

83
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,760
Speaker 3: think the thing is that we just get on and talk.

84
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,200
Speaker 1: And because I do this every day of the year

85
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,080
Speaker 1: and other people's and you do it a lot, and

86
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,560
Speaker 1: we talk off the podcast as well, we forget what

87
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,640
Speaker 1: conversations we've had, which is really.

88
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,040
Speaker 3: Not a good way to run a podcast.

89
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,160
Speaker 1: So we will do better. We will do better. But

90
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,600
Speaker 1: what about outside of work? How do you deal with

91
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,240
Speaker 1: pressure like in the real world? For one of a

92
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,000
Speaker 1: better term, Just like we.

93
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:25,919
Speaker 4: Were talking about earlier, if it's something that is seriously

94
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,680
Speaker 4: a crisis, I calm down. For whatever reason, I'm able

95
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,640
Speaker 4: to focus day to day stressors that people think absolutely

96
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,000
Speaker 4: nothing of can flatten me.

97
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,440
Speaker 3: It's very, very difficult.

98
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:42,599
Speaker 4: And that's why I talk about work, not because I

99
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,080
Speaker 4: have no life to speak of whatsoever, and works the

100
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,040
Speaker 4: only thing I've got going. I mean, it's not exactly

101
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,520
Speaker 4: like that. For the most part, it is, but it's

102
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:54,680
Speaker 4: not completely like that. But I think for me, with work,

103
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,680
Speaker 4: I have structures in place where if something happens, it's

104
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,200
Speaker 4: happened so many times I have. I have a system,

105
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:05,719
Speaker 4: I have rituals to react to that where just without

106
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:10,920
Speaker 4: those structures that those rituals, stress has a really bad

107
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:11,640
Speaker 4: effect on me.

108
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:12,800
Speaker 3: I got it.

109
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,359
Speaker 4: Like like software downloads, that's a really good example. Something

110
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,200
Speaker 4: goes wrong with a software download that I'm gone, Like

111
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,280
Speaker 4: my blood pressures skyrocketing, my heart rates up to one

112
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:27,000
Speaker 4: hundred and seventy five beats permitted, just sitting there, just sweating,

113
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,320
Speaker 4: and you know, it's just basically not being able to

114
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,159
Speaker 4: log into the Wi Fi and the cafe. It's not

115
00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:36,200
Speaker 4: a life or death situation, but it has that impact

116
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:36,680
Speaker 4: on me.

117
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,880
Speaker 1: So what do you do then, Like when you're imploding

118
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,920
Speaker 1: in the cafe next to your cappuccino because there's no internet,

119
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,480
Speaker 1: what do you do?

120
00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:51,520
Speaker 4: Well, one, I apologize to the police officers. I try

121
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,840
Speaker 4: to be very respectful and just obey the commands when

122
00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:58,360
Speaker 4: they show it. Now, what I do is sometimes I'll

123
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,760
Speaker 4: just have to change my environment. The times I'll just

124
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:06,480
Speaker 4: power through it. When I've had people around me on

125
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:09,880
Speaker 4: my team, like ian Ian O'Dwyer. I don't know how

126
00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,680
Speaker 4: many of your listeners are familiar with those.

127
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, people know od. He's been on a bunch We

128
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:14,760
Speaker 3: love od.

129
00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:18,360
Speaker 4: Od would just grab me and shake me and say

130
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,880
Speaker 4: something absolutely ridiculous and absurd, and I would merge that laughing.

131
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,760
Speaker 4: You know, my wife will just calm down. Sometimes it

132
00:06:26,839 --> 00:06:29,200
Speaker 4: doesn't work when you're not calm and you have somebody

133
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,400
Speaker 4: telling you calm.

134
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,080
Speaker 3: Down, calm down.

135
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:34,640
Speaker 4: Other times she'll like talk me through it. So having

136
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:40,320
Speaker 4: people around me that kind of know what's happening is

137
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,880
Speaker 4: my response, but it's not a big deal. Sometimes that

138
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,720
Speaker 4: helps me get my equally bring them back.

139
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,839
Speaker 3: It's definitely. I don't know. Is it a trit is

140
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,599
Speaker 3: it a skill, is it a whatever?

141
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:56,599
Speaker 1: It is a programmed response, like an unconscious response. Being

142
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,720
Speaker 1: able to become a person who's good in the middle

143
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:05,040
Speaker 1: of uncertainty, is you know, an unpredictability, which is life

144
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,240
Speaker 1: like I think work for a lot of us is

145
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:12,400
Speaker 1: somewhat predictable and repetitious, and you know, we kind of

146
00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:16,160
Speaker 1: know what's coming. There's a lot of familiarity and consistency.

147
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,960
Speaker 1: But away from work, like where we're not in control

148
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,160
Speaker 1: sometimes and it's not a stable environment and we're around

149
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,280
Speaker 1: different people and there's a lot of moving parts that

150
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,640
Speaker 1: we are not in control of, like being able to

151
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:36,000
Speaker 1: be in that kind of situation and cope, you know,

152
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,440
Speaker 1: and be alright with whatever happens. I mean, that's is

153
00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,760
Speaker 1: that something that you think if do you think that's

154
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,280
Speaker 1: innate or do you think that's something that's trainable or

155
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,440
Speaker 1: neither or both.

156
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,120
Speaker 2: I was just thinking about the incause I'm a little

157
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:55,600
Speaker 2: bit bobby in some ways. In some instances I thrive

158
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,720
Speaker 2: under pressure far more. And then in some instances I

159
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,000
Speaker 2: think that and I go I create pressure that I

160
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:08,200
Speaker 2: capitulate under. Sometimes it's the self created pressure which I create.

161
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,120
Speaker 2: So I'm trying to unpack that in my head.

162
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,280
Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, that's very good self awareness.

163
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,160
Speaker 1: Like a lot of people not say, like even this

164
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,440
Speaker 1: question what part of the problem am I? And that's

165
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:23,760
Speaker 1: not a self loathing question, that's just a clever question.

166
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:29,880
Speaker 1: That's a self awareness question because nearly, I mean not nearly.

167
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,360
Speaker 1: I would say every person at some stage is the

168
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,840
Speaker 1: problem in their own situation. Like, I'm definitely the problem

169
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,760
Speaker 1: many times in whatever's going on. If I'm not the problem,

170
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,240
Speaker 1: I'm part of the problem. So for you to figure

171
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,920
Speaker 1: out and identify it that you create your own stress,

172
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,760
Speaker 1: that is a really good start. I mean, because you

173
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,840
Speaker 1: can't change what you're not aware of, and you can't

174
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,079
Speaker 1: change what you won't.

175
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:56,400
Speaker 3: Own up to.

176
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:01,160
Speaker 1: So being able to do that, Yeah, what are your

177
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:01,680
Speaker 1: thoughts on that?

178
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,880
Speaker 3: Roubt to me?

179
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:07,400
Speaker 4: I wonder if it's a learned behavior, like have you

180
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,040
Speaker 4: just not learned to manage your stress you haven't practiced

181
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:13,480
Speaker 4: stress management? Or does it have something to do with

182
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:18,199
Speaker 4: neurobiology or both? Because understanding what meaning you attach to it,

183
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:22,520
Speaker 4: I think directly corresponds with the efficacy of the strategy

184
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,199
Speaker 4: you developed. So let's think the Walter Michelle study, for example,

185
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,800
Speaker 4: in the nineteen sixties group of very young kids in

186
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,320
Speaker 4: the room, let's say, averaging about five years old. Research

187
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,160
Speaker 4: just says you can have one marshmallow right now, I'm

188
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,280
Speaker 4: just going to put this in full view right in

189
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,760
Speaker 4: front of you or I'm going to step out of

190
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,840
Speaker 4: the room for a bit. If you can wait until

191
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,320
Speaker 4: I come back, you can have two marshmallows, double the reward.

192
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,320
Speaker 4: A lot of kids despite their greatest effort. It wasn't

193
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,200
Speaker 4: lack of trying, wasn't lack of discipline or willpower. Some

194
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,680
Speaker 4: kids had to sit on their hand to stop them

195
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:57,319
Speaker 4: from like taking the marshmallow. Some kids lick the marshmallow,

196
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,840
Speaker 4: smell the marshmallow. It's just like do we everything? But

197
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,480
Speaker 4: they just did not have the capacity to wait until

198
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,880
Speaker 4: the researcherer returned. So you ask yourself a five years old,

199
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,040
Speaker 4: how much of that is a learned behavior? Like how

200
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:14,600
Speaker 4: much of these kids learned about discipline strategies? And obviously

201
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,480
Speaker 4: the kids that were able to delay gratification when they

202
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:20,600
Speaker 4: followed them, they did a lot better in life and

203
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,680
Speaker 4: scholastic aptitude assessments than the kids that couldn't wait. And

204
00:10:23,679 --> 00:10:25,840
Speaker 4: that makes sense. But also you have to look at

205
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,760
Speaker 4: what are the variables that are not accounted for? So

206
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,960
Speaker 4: what was the socioeconomic status of all of those kids

207
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,640
Speaker 4: within that study? Because I could tell you when you're

208
00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:38,080
Speaker 4: growing up in a house where food is scarce or

209
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,520
Speaker 4: food will be taken away from you. If you don't

210
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,640
Speaker 4: eat it instantly, you're not going to have the same

211
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,560
Speaker 4: level of self regulation, especially at five years old.

212
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,400
Speaker 3: So what exactly is causing that?

213
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,880
Speaker 4: Phineas Gauge is another brilliant example, probably one of the

214
00:10:53,880 --> 00:11:01,400
Speaker 4: most disciplined, organized, like upstanding individual rules that you could

215
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:05,240
Speaker 4: possibly imagine, has an accident with a tamping iron, goes

216
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,800
Speaker 4: through his eye, out through his brain, lose this total

217
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:14,679
Speaker 4: ability of self regulate. He becomes literally unemployable for obvious reasons.

218
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:21,880
Speaker 4: So how much of a behavior change strategy or discipline

219
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,880
Speaker 4: would to help Phineas Gauge. So if if it's a

220
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:30,440
Speaker 4: problem with my prefrontal lobes, which I know it is, well,

221
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,880
Speaker 4: my approach is going to be different. I'm not going

222
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,400
Speaker 4: to double down and try harder, because that's going to

223
00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,760
Speaker 4: send me in the opposite direction I want to go.

224
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,120
Speaker 4: For me, it might be I'm going to ask myself

225
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,560
Speaker 4: a serious one. I'm going to do effective labeling, like

226
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,960
Speaker 4: acknowledge out loud. I have turetts. It's very easy for

227
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,200
Speaker 4: me to talk to myself in a variety of social situations,

228
00:11:50,559 --> 00:11:51,960
Speaker 4: what exactly is going on?

229
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,080
Speaker 3: What am I feeling I'm going to.

230
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,280
Speaker 4: Ask myself questions, because questions cause you to upregulate your

231
00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,520
Speaker 4: prefront of cortex, Like what is actually the problem right now?

232
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,240
Speaker 4: It doesn't even matter if I can solve it or

233
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:08,160
Speaker 4: if that brings any greater level of clarity. Just asking

234
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,680
Speaker 4: that question causes me to upregulate the parts of my

235
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,480
Speaker 4: brain that I really need right now that I'm not

236
00:12:16,559 --> 00:12:17,720
Speaker 4: really tapping into.

237
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:22,440
Speaker 3: So if if you have a broader scope.

238
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,200
Speaker 4: Around the definition of why does this happen? I think

239
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:30,240
Speaker 4: you have greater diversity in terms of the strategy you choose.

240
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:35,079
Speaker 4: And I think that plays along with hope, like when

241
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,480
Speaker 4: people have hope like I can get better. A lot

242
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:41,200
Speaker 4: of that is what is the degree and breadth of

243
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,720
Speaker 4: agency afforded to you. If I have only one possible

244
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,360
Speaker 4: solution and that doesn't work, that's not very good for

245
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,720
Speaker 4: self regulation. But if I have multiple things and it's like, Okay,

246
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,440
Speaker 4: I try strategy A, it didn't work, well, I have

247
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,080
Speaker 4: strategy B because it might be something else. I think

248
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,520
Speaker 4: that gives you greater sense of hope and adaptability.

249
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,439
Speaker 1: So to what extent if there's a big neurobiological influence,

250
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,000
Speaker 1: like in other words, just the way that our individual

251
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:16,360
Speaker 1: brain works like and also other variables like socioeconomic stuff,

252
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,240
Speaker 1: like when it makes total sense when you go for

253
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,440
Speaker 1: this kid who doesn't has probably had two marshmallows in

254
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,520
Speaker 1: his life, the opportunity to have one in the moment

255
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,280
Speaker 1: versus two down the track, he's going to go for

256
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,000
Speaker 1: the one in the moment. If you had a given

257
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,720
Speaker 1: me the fat twelve year old, I would have eaten

258
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,440
Speaker 1: the bloke's hand while he was putting it on the table, right,

259
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,839
Speaker 1: so would I probably would have gone the one as well.

260
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:44,800
Speaker 1: That's just me hashtag jumbo. So to what extent then,

261
00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:50,080
Speaker 1: can we override as not the right word, but work

262
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:56,360
Speaker 1: around our genetic and eurobiological disposition or predisposition because we

263
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,280
Speaker 1: don't want to go, oh, that's just the way that

264
00:13:58,360 --> 00:13:59,280
Speaker 1: I am.

265
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,079
Speaker 3: I have no control. That's just my Brian, that's the

266
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,680
Speaker 3: way I respond, So just put up with me. Whatever

267
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:07,120
Speaker 3: that is.

268
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:12,680
Speaker 1: To what extent can we, you know, create new habits

269
00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:15,559
Speaker 1: and new operating systems despite how we're wired.

270
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,360
Speaker 4: Well, I think most people can. I would agree with you,

271
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:24,200
Speaker 4: And even if someone doesn't have a lot of capacity,

272
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,760
Speaker 4: pretending as if you did is only going to engage

273
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,840
Speaker 4: you within the rituals and the strategies that elevate whatever

274
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:39,080
Speaker 4: capacity you have, so being able, I'm completely hopeless around this.

275
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,880
Speaker 4: This is probably not a great approach some people. They

276
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,720
Speaker 4: might be on the other end of that bell curve

277
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,880
Speaker 4: where their capacity is greatly diminished. I know, for me,

278
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,200
Speaker 4: for better or for worse, because sometimes I know I'm

279
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:57,120
Speaker 4: frustrating for people to be around. I know that, And

280
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,280
Speaker 4: what I will do is try to structure or my

281
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:04,200
Speaker 4: day and my rituals in advance so I have a

282
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:08,640
Speaker 4: greater capacity. So how I start my day determines how

283
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,240
Speaker 4: I engage with my day, and it's a big predictor

284
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,720
Speaker 4: about how I finish my day, which is why living

285
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,960
Speaker 4: on the road or going out to do a seminar

286
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:22,240
Speaker 4: is so beneficial because it puts me in an environment where.

287
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,920
Speaker 3: I structure the very first hour or.

288
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,520
Speaker 4: Two of my day in a way that helps me.

289
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,320
Speaker 4: Like so I'll go out and I'll say, Okay, I'm

290
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:32,600
Speaker 4: gonna sit down here, I'm going to have this cup

291
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,320
Speaker 4: of coffee. I'm going to read this material. You know,

292
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,440
Speaker 4: I'm going to move my body. Movement is critical because

293
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,720
Speaker 4: movement will decrease the level of stress hormones in your bloodstream,

294
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:47,040
Speaker 4: which is very beneficial the nature euretic peptides that are

295
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,640
Speaker 4: produced by the heart whenever you're engaged in movement. So

296
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:55,680
Speaker 4: engaging a movement frequently intermittently that works. You know, asking

297
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,040
Speaker 4: yourself questions. What's three questions I'll ask myself as I

298
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:03,200
Speaker 4: start to feel not like if I go from let's

299
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,680
Speaker 4: say seven is a complete meltdown. What happens when I

300
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,040
Speaker 4: start feeling it like three and four?

301
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:10,240
Speaker 3: What can I.

302
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,560
Speaker 4: Interject and X myself at that point? And do do

303
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,920
Speaker 4: I even need to deal with this? I think sometimes

304
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,920
Speaker 4: what makes a crisis a crisis is it's imminent, this

305
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:22,200
Speaker 4: urgency involved. But a lot of times it's not like

306
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,000
Speaker 4: we'll read an email and we'll think, oh, this is

307
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:28,280
Speaker 4: a crisis. But I know I've done this, and I

308
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,480
Speaker 4: know we know people who have done this. I don't know,

309
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:36,400
Speaker 4: maybe intimately, but if I responded to that email an

310
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:39,320
Speaker 4: hour later or a day later, there would have been

311
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:44,400
Speaker 4: zero consequences and it only would have made my response better,

312
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:49,080
Speaker 4: and the outcome and the experience for everyone involved would

313
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,480
Speaker 4: be much much different. I know I've stressed out people

314
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,680
Speaker 4: I work with because I try to multitask come on

315
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,680
Speaker 4: a break, Oh, let me just answer that email. And

316
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,040
Speaker 4: it's like, okay, Nimrod, did you even read the email?

317
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,040
Speaker 4: And that was like totally not the response. Wow, maybe

318
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,320
Speaker 4: there's a better time to do this. And I can

319
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,359
Speaker 4: compartmentalize all of my emails one or two times in

320
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:14,000
Speaker 4: the day. And I think when you do that, there's

321
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,200
Speaker 4: a lot of fear because we live in a world

322
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:19,760
Speaker 4: that expects an immediate response. But what I learned, as

323
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,000
Speaker 4: you've probably learned, when you're on a plane, especially if

324
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,399
Speaker 4: you were traveling when they didn't have Wi Fi on

325
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,920
Speaker 4: every flight, you can't respond. When you're up in front

326
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,520
Speaker 4: of a room for the next four hours, you can't respond.

327
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,960
Speaker 4: And when you can't respond, ninety nine percent of the

328
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 4: time people.

329
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,439
Speaker 3: Do adapt to that.

330
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:38,880
Speaker 4: They learn, Okay, this person's not going to respond within

331
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,640
Speaker 4: five minutes. It might be five hours. So I think

332
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:47,960
Speaker 4: these things like compart mentalization and structuring and avoiding multitasking

333
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,680
Speaker 4: and giving yourself like every hour ninety minutes a little

334
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,560
Speaker 4: bit of downtime and just get up and move and

335
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:59,120
Speaker 4: change the environment that you're confined within. I think all

336
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,520
Speaker 4: of those things matter quite a bit.

337
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,159
Speaker 3: Do you how good do you see? This is not

338
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,200
Speaker 3: a loaded question. This is a curious question.

339
00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:12,880
Speaker 1: How good do you think you are at understanding other

340
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:17,040
Speaker 1: people's perspective? You know, like that kind of theory of

341
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:20,239
Speaker 1: mine stuff, understanding how other one, how someone else is

342
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:23,439
Speaker 1: in the moment with you, not agreeing, not aligning, but

343
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,159
Speaker 1: just having an awareness of what's going on for them.

344
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:26,719
Speaker 5: Now.

345
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:36,919
Speaker 4: I range from below average too well above average. And

346
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,680
Speaker 4: it's context dependent. Like let's say you and I met

347
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,840
Speaker 4: at a coffee shop and we were just having a conversation.

348
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,240
Speaker 3: It's very likely that I would be in my own head.

349
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,520
Speaker 4: It's very likely that you know, I would be excited

350
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,840
Speaker 4: because I like you, I like talking to you. I

351
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,280
Speaker 4: like coffee. So it's a lot of things that I'm enjoying.

352
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,720
Speaker 3: So what do you like more?

353
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,080
Speaker 1: Mail coffee? I'm not in a little bit just out

354
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:02,520
Speaker 1: of interest.

355
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,960
Speaker 4: While we talking cappuccino a lot, we're just talking about

356
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,480
Speaker 4: a long black. I need to talking about a flat

357
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,840
Speaker 4: wat oh flat white?

358
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,480
Speaker 1: Am I describing myself now? Or a coffee?

359
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,600
Speaker 3: Anyway? Carry on?

360
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,400
Speaker 4: Carry So let's say let's say I'm in an environment

361
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:24,760
Speaker 4: where I like things equally and one thing's not better

362
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:25,760
Speaker 4: than the other thing.

363
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, I probably would.

364
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,240
Speaker 4: I'm in my head, and I have a very hard

365
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,440
Speaker 4: times reading people. If I went in there and you said, Bobby,

366
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,520
Speaker 4: I need to talk to you about someday there's something

367
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,639
Speaker 4: on my mind, and I was intentional, and I walked

368
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:44,159
Speaker 4: in there completely listening and focused. I believe that my

369
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:53,520
Speaker 4: ability to read another person conversationally it is rather good.

370
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,119
Speaker 4: And the reason why I say that is because again,

371
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,200
Speaker 4: not to go back to work, but my instructors.

372
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,960
Speaker 3: I'm working with a coach right now.

373
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,280
Speaker 4: I just got out of a year long class on

374
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:08,000
Speaker 4: advanced coaching. My clients, one thing I hear consistently.

375
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:08,720
Speaker 3: Is your ability to.

376
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,679
Speaker 4: Encapsulate what I'm saying and reflect it back to me,

377
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,440
Speaker 4: where I have a greater understanding of what I just said,

378
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,679
Speaker 4: what it meant, the experience of it, and why I

379
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:24,280
Speaker 4: said it just dramatically deepens. And I've heard that from

380
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:27,399
Speaker 4: so many people where they say, okay, when it comes

381
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 4: to coaching, you know, different people excel in different areas.

382
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,600
Speaker 4: Empathetic reflection is your superpower.

383
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,000
Speaker 1: Can you not talk about coaching today? We've got in trouble.

384
00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:41,159
Speaker 1: Can you talk about something else? This will be our

385
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:44,320
Speaker 1: fourth time this year. Can you not talk about coaching?

386
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,600
Speaker 4: I hope she's not listening to this code.

387
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:51,920
Speaker 3: She's definitely listening. She's definitely listening. It's like your safety

388
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,920
Speaker 3: in it. It's like your safety in it.

389
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,800
Speaker 1: If I have a question for you when you're with

390
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,119
Speaker 1: I mean, you're a communicator, and you're a coach, and

391
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:01,880
Speaker 1: you're a speaker, and you're all the stuff, Like you're

392
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,919
Speaker 1: in front of people all the time, you're on a

393
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:04,879
Speaker 1: mic all the time.

394
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,880
Speaker 3: How much of.

395
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,560
Speaker 1: When you are one on one with somebody is about

396
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,560
Speaker 1: paying attention to what they're not saying. Do you have

397
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,679
Speaker 1: an awareness of that? Or you are one hundred Are

398
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,960
Speaker 1: you one hundred percent kind of just channeled into the

399
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:20,840
Speaker 1: words or do you have a bigger than words awareness

400
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:21,480
Speaker 1: in the moment?

401
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,639
Speaker 3: What does that mean? How do you operationalize that?

402
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:31,439
Speaker 2: Increasingly so increasingly so, I have an awareness on a

403
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,840
Speaker 2: lot more than that. And that has come through the

404
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,840
Speaker 2: comfort of not springing to answers and not springing to

405
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:47,159
Speaker 2: being giving advice or nutting things out in the moment,

406
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:52,399
Speaker 2: but just really actively listening and considering and taking things

407
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:56,000
Speaker 2: away and allowing it to percolate. And I think when

408
00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 2: you jump in and make something of what you're hearing

409
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,560
Speaker 2: straight away in the moment, you almost I was gonna say,

410
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 2: cock block. That's a bit rude, isn't it. You almost

411
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,560
Speaker 2: cock block yourself from taking it away and thinking about

412
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,400
Speaker 2: it really deeply, because I know when I listen.

413
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,200
Speaker 3: There's an analogy for you that might be the name

414
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:23,000
Speaker 3: of the episode fuck you, but it's true.

415
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,800
Speaker 2: For me. It's like, if I just listen, I find

416
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,200
Speaker 2: when I walk away, it just percolates and I think

417
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 2: and I consider, and I come up with some really

418
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 2: great I don't know, perspectives or questions or things to

419
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:38,600
Speaker 2: think about.

420
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,160
Speaker 1: For me, I'm of course I'm interested in what people

421
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:48,280
Speaker 1: are saying, but I'm always cognizant of the fact that

422
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:52,520
Speaker 1: what they're saying might be, I say, might a smoke

423
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:58,359
Speaker 1: screen or a story or a pr exercise, you know

424
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's like, it's not that I don

425
00:23:01,119 --> 00:23:03,720
Speaker 1: trust them. I'm just I'm like, I'm not sure I'm

426
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,760
Speaker 1: getting all the story or maybe even the important part

427
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,879
Speaker 1: of the story, and so I'm trying to without being

428
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:17,720
Speaker 1: what's the word inappropriate or untrustworthy or or distrusting, I

429
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,639
Speaker 1: should say, I'm just trying to figure out what's really

430
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 1: going on, especially with people for whom you know, there's

431
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: some big shit going on in their life, and trying

432
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,879
Speaker 1: to trying to read between the lines and trying to

433
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 1: trying to deduce, like what are the actual Like I

434
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,120
Speaker 1: know what you're telling me the issues are, but I'm

435
00:23:38,119 --> 00:23:41,199
Speaker 1: not sure that they are the issues you know. And

436
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,159
Speaker 1: that's of course, this is like, you know, this is

437
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,880
Speaker 1: delving into that space of what's being said that isn't

438
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,159
Speaker 1: actually being said. But I think I think try, you know,

439
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 1: being able to understand that people people that way, and

440
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,400
Speaker 1: of course I get it wrong and we all get

441
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 1: it wrong, and I fuck up, and I assume things

442
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 1: that are flawed, of course, but having that bigger than

443
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: words awareness, like I'm more interested in I'm interested in

444
00:24:06,119 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 1: what you're saying, but I'm interested in understanding you beyond

445
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,960
Speaker 1: your words. I'm interested in what's going on with your

446
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:14,400
Speaker 1: body and your energy and your facial expressions and your

447
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,200
Speaker 1: responses and your behaviors over time.

448
00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:20,919
Speaker 5: I want to see what you do, because what you

449
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 5: do tells me who you are more than what you say.

450
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,600
Speaker 5: I want to see what you do over time, not

451
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:30,479
Speaker 5: in a judgmental way, in a curiosity way, so I

452
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,840
Speaker 5: can help you because your behavior, your choices, your lifestyle,

453
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,880
Speaker 5: all that stuff, how you typically are. That's a lot

454
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 5: of information for me. What you're telling me in this

455
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:46,679
Speaker 5: thirty minute chat not so much. But maybe it's the

456
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 5: synthesis of all of that, Bobby, like what people are

457
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,920
Speaker 5: saying and what people are not saying. That gives us

458
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 5: maybe a more comprehensive understanding so that we can help

459
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 5: people or serve people.

460
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:03,760
Speaker 4: Do conversationally share your observations with people.

461
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:04,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do.

462
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,359
Speaker 1: I do when it's appropriate, And but there are things.

463
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,280
Speaker 1: I mean, you know this when I'll often sit with

464
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,520
Speaker 1: somebody and the sense that I'm getting is that they're

465
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 1: insecure and they're trying to impress me.

466
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 3: Well, I'm not going to say that.

467
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:24,000
Speaker 1: You know, but but I'll I'll I'll note that, or

468
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:29,640
Speaker 1: they're fearful, or they're uncomfortable. I might just say, how

469
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:31,800
Speaker 1: are you feeling? I might just go, are you okay?

470
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 1: How's this for you? How's this sitting here with me?

471
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 1: How's that for you? And sometimes I'll go, honestly, I'm nervous.

472
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:40,240
Speaker 1: I go, that's cool. I go, that's not the worst

473
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,159
Speaker 1: state to be in, and that's you know, so, and

474
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 1: then we just go from there. Rather than pretending that

475
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 1: nothing's going on and speaking from a platform that's not

476
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:51,959
Speaker 1: really authentic.

477
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,080
Speaker 3: So yeah, yeah, I think that.

478
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 1: But I think with all of this, you know, communication, connection,

479
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:02,920
Speaker 1: building rapport, us to respect all of that stuff as

480
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,080
Speaker 1: everyone knows that it's listening and us three know. It's

481
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: not like, oh well, here's the five step plan. So

482
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:12,240
Speaker 1: this is how we build trust. Well, no, with somebody else.

483
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 1: With one person, we're building trust that way with somebody else,

484
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: that's going to create a problem.

485
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:25,680
Speaker 2: I think I always think about how little we really

486
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:29,439
Speaker 2: know our emotional states, Like I've been looking into it

487
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 2: heaps lately, because that's part of what I'm talking about lately,

488
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 2: is our capacity to understand what am I feeling? What

489
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:42,160
Speaker 2: are these emotions? What's this sense nection? Like beyond bad,

490
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 2: beyond I feel shit and sad like what a So

491
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 2: when we talked before about me in a state of pressure,

492
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,160
Speaker 2: I've been sitting with it in my mind and going

493
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,159
Speaker 2: and in that moment, I thought, you know what I

494
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:58,800
Speaker 2: think it is. Maybe what has my attention right now

495
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 2: is it's that thing about trust for me. So I

496
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:07,159
Speaker 2: think that I have a story that I don't trust myself.

497
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:12,280
Speaker 2: So whether it's self imposed stress or stress where I

498
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,840
Speaker 2: am in need of making a decision or a choice,

499
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:20,200
Speaker 2: I go into the fight flight than crazy. You know, like, oh,

500
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,080
Speaker 2: Tiff doesn't make good decisions. She's made some really poor

501
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 2: decisions in the past, and so she doesn't have the

502
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 2: capacity to recognize good decisions and choices. So if there's

503
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 2: a decision here, panic town, and then I stay in

504
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 2: that spiral.

505
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,240
Speaker 3: I've never thought that before.

506
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 2: I just knew that. I just know that sometimes a

507
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 2: high state of arousal in chaos, I perform like a

508
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:45,880
Speaker 2: superstar and I'm like fucking the best, and then sometimes

509
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 2: I'm creating myself and I'm chaotic and I'm useless. So

510
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,919
Speaker 2: finding out what is the emotion, what is the what

511
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 2: gets me in that state, and what is this what

512
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,600
Speaker 2: is the metaphor, I can start to recognize that it

513
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,360
Speaker 2: might be happening that might answer a question there.

514
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 1: I think also for you and for everyone. But like

515
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: when I think of you, right, you've been through some trauma,

516
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 1: so there's a bit of shit that's gone on in

517
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 1: your background. You have this propensity to get angry, which

518
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:17,399
Speaker 1: I don't, right, which is just do you know what

519
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,280
Speaker 1: I mean? But there are lots. It's like if you

520
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 1: haven't eaten, that affects you emotionally, Like if you're hungry

521
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 1: and you don't eat food, I don't want to be

522
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:26,199
Speaker 1: around you.

523
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:27,479
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to be around you.

524
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,840
Speaker 1: Once you've had food, then hit me up, right, But

525
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,840
Speaker 1: before that, just fuck off and go and find a cake,

526
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:37,560
Speaker 1: right like and then with Bobby, they're a different vari

527
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 1: With me, there are different things. It's like, I know

528
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 1: that I spent a lot of my life trying to

529
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 1: get approval on validation and acceptance through what I looked

530
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 1: like because I looked so terrible or I thought I

531
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: looked so terrible when I was a kid. You know,

532
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:57,360
Speaker 1: we all have issues, like and I still I still reckon.

533
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:04,360
Speaker 1: There's a low level insecurity and neediness in myself that's

534
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,000
Speaker 1: around my appearance. Even though I understand all this stuff.

535
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 1: Do I ever want someone to do? I like it

536
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:14,400
Speaker 1: when someone says something great, of course I do. Does

537
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 1: it make me? Does it affect me in a positive

538
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 1: of course it does?

539
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:17,800
Speaker 2: You know.

540
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,640
Speaker 1: So I think being able to recognize all of these

541
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:25,280
Speaker 1: good and bad or just not necessarily either good or bad,

542
00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 1: but just relevant.

543
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 3: Kind of aspects of who we are and.

544
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:34,000
Speaker 1: Then being able to recognize and do something with that

545
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 1: rather than judging it or pigeonholing ourselves. That gives us

546
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: a platform to move forward positively and go, ah, this

547
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 1: is what I'm doing, you know, yeah, and saying because

548
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 1: I was insecure, somebody would go I did X. Part

549
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 1: of me would want to go, I did three X,

550
00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,760
Speaker 1: you know, because I want to be impressive. But just

551
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 1: recognizing before that fucking comes out of my mouth, what

552
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,479
Speaker 1: is that about?

553
00:29:59,480 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 3: Like what?

554
00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,240
Speaker 1: You just dive into their X and tell them how

555
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 1: great their X is before you start. In fact, don't

556
00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:07,720
Speaker 1: talk about your three X, talk about their one X

557
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:10,400
Speaker 1: like it's the best thing ever, and make it about them,

558
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:14,239
Speaker 1: not you. I still have to consciously do that. I

559
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 1: still have to mind my mind in real time and

560
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 1: mind my ego and mind my insecurity. What about you, Bobby.

561
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 4: One attribute that I have found to be helpful that

562
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 4: I don't think a year ago I would have pleased

563
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,280
Speaker 4: as much value on Not because I didn't value it,

564
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,200
Speaker 4: because it just it wasn't something front of mind. It's curiosity,

565
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 4: because curiosity takes me out of my own head. And

566
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:44,880
Speaker 4: one of the reasons why I'm in my own head

567
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 4: council is because I struggle with a lot of anxiety.

568
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 4: I'm always anxious, Like right now, I'm anxious. I have

569
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 4: not a reason to be, but I'm anxious, and I

570
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 4: carry that with me throughout the day. And I'm also

571
00:30:57,760 --> 00:31:02,480
Speaker 4: easily distracted. Not only just curiosity give me a focal point.

572
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,320
Speaker 4: It gets me out of my head and it puts

573
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 4: me square into the world with other things, with other people.

574
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 4: And that's enormous, And I know that a lot of

575
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:17,280
Speaker 4: times people have conversations it's like, oh, well, my environment

576
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 4: would be so much better, but my boss, my colleagues,

577
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:25,440
Speaker 4: the people I work with, and all of that might

578
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,239
Speaker 4: be true, But where does that leave you? If it

579
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 4: falls into the category of beyond your control? I think

580
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 4: it's like, Okay, what am I curious about? And connecting

581
00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 4: curiosity to affirmation can work wonders. And what I mean

582
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 4: by that is, let's say you're at work, no matter

583
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,080
Speaker 4: what job you do, and you have like the worst

584
00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:50,440
Speaker 4: colleague in the world. There are things that that individual

585
00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 4: is going to do that or right, Let's say if

586
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,480
Speaker 4: it's only twenty percent of the time, eighty percent of

587
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:58,800
Speaker 4: the time, they're an absolute muppet. But if you're curious

588
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,520
Speaker 4: affirmatively like okay, well, let me notice their strength, let

589
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 4: me notice what catch them doing something right, and then

590
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 4: you bring that up like okay, wow, Tiff, you know

591
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:12,400
Speaker 4: when you took that initiative and you know you took

592
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,280
Speaker 4: out all the rubbish, kind of cleaned up the workspace.

593
00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 4: We didn't have to do that, nothing got backed up.

594
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,560
Speaker 4: I really appreciate that. I noticed you do that frequently.

595
00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 4: And it's it's not like, oh, great job, Tiff. That

596
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:29,280
Speaker 4: doesn't mean anything. It's noticing something specific, making a generous

597
00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 4: assumption around the intentions underneath it, and how it impacts

598
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:39,080
Speaker 4: others positively. Well, it might have zero impact on Tiff. Well,

599
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 4: the first time I say that, she might be like okay, yeah,

600
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 4: like kiss off, like I don't care what you think.

601
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:48,760
Speaker 4: But over time she might try to now live up

602
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 4: to that because let's say I say that, somebody else

603
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 4: says that, okay, wow, that's an aspect of TIFF's personality

604
00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,520
Speaker 4: that's valuable to other people. So we I try to

605
00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:04,120
Speaker 4: bridge that gap and just like through cognitive dissonance, try

606
00:33:04,160 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 4: to become more consistent with the person that we would

607
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:13,240
Speaker 4: rather be and not have that other disruptive aspect show

608
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:17,360
Speaker 4: up as frequently, and you start to be the type

609
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:20,680
Speaker 4: of person that feels better about yourself because you're looking

610
00:33:20,760 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 4: for that and you're someone who builds people up. And

611
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,840
Speaker 4: when you start to model that culturally, you create a

612
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:32,560
Speaker 4: culture of curiosity and mutual affirmation, whether that is at

613
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:35,880
Speaker 4: in the kitchen where you work, or whether that's at

614
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 4: the dinner table, or whether that's at the pub. Socially,

615
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:44,160
Speaker 4: I think that's something that is very constructive for all

616
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,840
Speaker 4: parties involved, and that and it puts you outside of

617
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 4: your head.

618
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 3: What do you think? I want this from both you?

619
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:53,920
Speaker 3: Who are an idea from both of you?

620
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:55,400
Speaker 2: What are the.

621
00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:59,960
Speaker 1: Pros and cons of being vulnerable, like publicly vulnerable? Way

622
00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:03,000
Speaker 1: you maybe open the door that normally you only open

623
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,760
Speaker 1: that door personally, where you let people into what you

624
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:10,080
Speaker 1: think or feel or not in a kind of a

625
00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:13,480
Speaker 1: pretty comfortable you know. Oh look at me, everyone, I'm

626
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 1: being humble, like to me when you like public humility

627
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,799
Speaker 1: is really not really you know, but that real raw.

628
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:20,480
Speaker 3: No.

629
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,759
Speaker 1: I actually part of me would rather you didn't know this,

630
00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:27,880
Speaker 1: but I think you knowing this about me might help

631
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 1: you like that there's still stuff I'm sure I don't share,

632
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 1: but I try to tell everybody you know, or I

633
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:37,760
Speaker 1: try to share as much of me as I can

634
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,680
Speaker 1: so that people realize I'm definitely not special, not spectacular,

635
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:45,120
Speaker 1: not gifted, not brilliant, and it might encourage them to

636
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 1: try to What level do you think being vulnerable for

637
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:52,560
Speaker 1: you will start with you, Tiff, is a good or

638
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 1: bad thing?

639
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:55,000
Speaker 3: Are their pros and cons?

640
00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:58,879
Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, I think there's a lot of pros because

641
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,279
Speaker 2: I think it's when one my biggest lessons. I think

642
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,239
Speaker 2: being vulnerable was probably one of my biggest challenges, and

643
00:35:05,920 --> 00:35:11,440
Speaker 2: so I think emotional depth and depth in relationships and

644
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 2: depth in self awareness are all pretty big pros for me.

645
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 2: Like I don't think when we're not vulnerable. When I'm

646
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 2: not vulnerable, I lose sight of who I really am

647
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,759
Speaker 2: because we start to wear that mask. We start to

648
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,320
Speaker 2: or I start to, I start to be a version

649
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 2: of myself, and then I forget who I am, and

650
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,440
Speaker 2: then I so I lose touch with that ability to

651
00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:38,319
Speaker 2: really know myself. Obvious cons are we're open to get

652
00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:43,840
Speaker 2: hurt where obvious cons are if the practice of vulnerability

653
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 2: becomes a thing we just do, are we doing that

654
00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:49,960
Speaker 2: with the right people. Are we using it as a

655
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:55,400
Speaker 2: as a tool or a or a weapon of sorts.

656
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:59,440
Speaker 2: You know, I've heard people use the word weaponizing vulnerability,

657
00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:02,919
Speaker 2: almost using it to keep people away. So I think

658
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:06,160
Speaker 2: it's yeah, there's definitely pros and cons. I think for me,

659
00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 2: there's a lot of con sorry, a lot of pros.

660
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:14,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, Bobby, I feel like you're pretty vulnerable. I feel

661
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,200
Speaker 1: like you open the door pretty wide.

662
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:21,920
Speaker 4: And it does depend because to me, semantics are important.

663
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:26,000
Speaker 4: We say vulnerability, what do we mean? And I think

664
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,319
Speaker 4: a lot of people because there's so much written in

665
00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,319
Speaker 4: the work environment about what vulnerability is, it doesn't mean

666
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 4: walking around like a Hallmark card and sharing every emotion

667
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 4: and thought in your head. I don't think that's vulnerability

668
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:44,280
Speaker 4: at all. I think vulnerability is acting courageously in terms

669
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:50,200
Speaker 4: of being honest within the context. So when I'm with Amy,

670
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:53,800
Speaker 4: my wife, and let's say we're having a situation or

671
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:59,200
Speaker 4: a marriage, and it relates back to something that happened

672
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 4: to me in my upbringing, and therefore I show up

673
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:07,399
Speaker 4: this way, well, that is a contextually appropriate and very

674
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:11,200
Speaker 4: deep form of vulnerability. I'm not going to share the

675
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:15,040
Speaker 4: details of my abuse in a board meeting and well,

676
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:17,040
Speaker 4: you know when I look at this pie chart, what

677
00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:19,839
Speaker 4: I think about is when I was six. Yeah, that's

678
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 4: probably that's probably not going to go over very well

679
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 4: in that meeting. But we're a great example is Volkswagen,

680
00:37:27,920 --> 00:37:34,759
Speaker 4: massive company, global reputation. It all comes crumbling down very

681
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 4: very quickly because they cheated on their emissions. So they

682
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,560
Speaker 4: so basically they were trying to utilize software to fool

683
00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 4: the emissions machines and they got caught. Now why did

684
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 4: that happen? Because they were in an environment where you

685
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 4: couldn't be vulnerable. If I'm an engineer, vulnerability is saying, Okay,

686
00:37:57,360 --> 00:37:59,919
Speaker 4: we are running into a stumbling block and we don't

687
00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,480
Speaker 4: know how to fix it, and I don't have the

688
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,160
Speaker 4: answer for it, and I'm going to need a team

689
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,400
Speaker 4: of people to try to sort this out because we

690
00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,840
Speaker 4: cannot move forward on this project where we are today.

691
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,080
Speaker 4: It's like when you're sitting in that meeting, or when

692
00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 4: you're sitting in that social situation and you know that

693
00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:21,920
Speaker 4: you saying something is constructive, you know it needs to

694
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,239
Speaker 4: be said, and you don't say it. That's a lack

695
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,279
Speaker 4: of vulnerability, and I think that's damaging. That's damaging to

696
00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:33,520
Speaker 4: any type of relationship, whether it's an intimate relationship, whether

697
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:38,160
Speaker 4: it's a social or professional relationship. But vulnerability, to me

698
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:42,400
Speaker 4: has contextual levels. You don't want to walk in and

699
00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 4: be this complete open book, and you don't want to

700
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 4: do that with absolutely everyone. Because I heard something, I

701
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,840
Speaker 4: forgot where I heard it, but it was so beautiful

702
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:57,279
Speaker 4: because it related to something that I struggle with, boundaries.

703
00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:59,800
Speaker 4: Not saying I have boundary issues, so I don't respect

704
00:38:59,800 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 4: pople's boundaries, but for some people, boundaries become far more

705
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:10,480
Speaker 4: important than other people. And what I heard was boundaries

706
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:13,000
Speaker 4: are not things that you set up in your life

707
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:16,560
Speaker 4: to keep people out. Boundaries are things you set up

708
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 4: in your life so you can keep people in. And

709
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:24,000
Speaker 4: I thought, oh, that is beautiful, And I think everybody

710
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:27,880
Speaker 4: has the right to identify what are the boundaries I

711
00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:32,000
Speaker 4: need to keep people close to me, you know, and

712
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,759
Speaker 4: keep my relationships productive.

713
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:43,279
Speaker 1: That's deep, dude, that's deep. Yeah, No, no, I like it.

714
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:44,239
Speaker 3: I like it very much.

715
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about one more thing and then

716
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:49,319
Speaker 1: we'll wind up, and I'm interested in We kind of

717
00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:51,400
Speaker 1: touched on it before, like when I was talking about,

718
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:58,239
Speaker 1: you know, getting approval and validation and acceptance through appearance.

719
00:40:00,080 --> 00:40:04,759
Speaker 1: It seems like, again, this is just my perception in

720
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five, It's never been more kind of prevalent.

721
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 1: I guess this like who I am as what I

722
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:14,520
Speaker 1: look like? Who I am as my body or my

723
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 1: abs or my pretty face or my handsome face or

724
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:23,560
Speaker 1: my you know, and that identity intertwined with my Instagram,

725
00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 1: my my post. That The reason I thought of this

726
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,760
Speaker 1: was I was literally scrolling this morning and.

727
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:35,320
Speaker 3: A thing came up, doesn't matter. It was a person.

728
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:36,120
Speaker 3: It was a.

729
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:41,120
Speaker 1: What do you call it, an influencer of sorts, and

730
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 1: I looked at their page and essentially it was a

731
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,120
Speaker 1: thousand photos.

732
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:50,600
Speaker 6: Of them, like their face, their body, they face, their body,

733
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:53,160
Speaker 6: they face their body, body face, body face, different location,

734
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:55,800
Speaker 6: different outfits, same body, same face.

735
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:59,919
Speaker 1: And it was honestly ninety nine percent here's me, take

736
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 1: a photo of me, putting up a photo of me.

737
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,600
Speaker 3: I'm and I know this might sound judga or I

738
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:07,480
Speaker 3: don't mean it too.

739
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just thinking, what, like, how does that

740
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:17,440
Speaker 1: go for somebody over the long term when okay, you're

741
00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:23,120
Speaker 1: not you know, like looks fade, bodies fade, you know,

742
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:27,000
Speaker 1: like is this, Okay, I know this is a philosophical

743
00:41:27,040 --> 00:41:30,799
Speaker 1: and a bloody I don't know, a moral, bloody conundrum,

744
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,560
Speaker 1: is it? Like I just and I don't care about that.

745
00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:37,480
Speaker 1: It's like, by the way, this person very attractive, all

746
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,719
Speaker 1: of that, well done, You're amazing. But I just think

747
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:45,360
Speaker 1: about emotionally and mentally and socially, and I think about

748
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,440
Speaker 1: their health and their wellbeing, like if all of a

749
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 1: sudden they don't look like that, or all of a sudden,

750
00:41:50,920 --> 00:41:55,719
Speaker 1: there's that something happens where this entire sense of who

751
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:58,320
Speaker 1: I am in the world is built on these thousand

752
00:41:58,400 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 1: photos of me that I put up.

753
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 3: What do your thoughts around that, either of you?

754
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,480
Speaker 4: I've never had to contend with the fact that you know,

755
00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:11,080
Speaker 4: one day my extraordinary good looks are going to fate

756
00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:15,279
Speaker 4: And how will that cause me to interact with the world?

757
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:19,040
Speaker 4: How will that impact me? That has never been my problem,

758
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 4: So for me, not really sure. I could say. One

759
00:42:24,719 --> 00:42:27,960
Speaker 4: thing that pops into my mind is an ex girlfriend.

760
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:29,280
Speaker 3: Of mine and.

761
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:35,560
Speaker 4: She looked like a nineteen forties like I do you

762
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:36,480
Speaker 4: call it starle it?

763
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:37,600
Speaker 3: I don't know what the word is.

764
00:42:37,560 --> 00:42:40,319
Speaker 4: Forgive me if that Let's go with movie staff at

765
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:45,919
Speaker 4: nineteen forties movie star, like she just looked like that

766
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 4: archetype and she was stunning.

767
00:42:50,239 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 3: For her looks were everything, And she.

768
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:57,560
Speaker 4: Was an actor for a period of time and she

769
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 4: was doing really well, and she was appearing in like

770
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 4: multiple sitcoms, and then you know, she got injured and

771
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:07,880
Speaker 4: disappeared for a couple of years, which is the kiss

772
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:08,960
Speaker 4: of death at that level.

773
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:10,680
Speaker 3: So that that.

774
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:14,000
Speaker 4: Caused her to carry a lot of resentment. But everything

775
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 4: was about her physical appearance, and you would look at

776
00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:22,360
Speaker 4: this person on the surface and think, Wow, this person's

777
00:43:22,920 --> 00:43:27,520
Speaker 4: self obsessed. It's all about her. But then I remember

778
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:31,000
Speaker 4: we were talking about an incident that she had so

779
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 4: her older sister. She idolized her older sister and her

780
00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:37,320
Speaker 4: older sisters like one of those rebels and always getting

781
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:39,719
Speaker 4: into trouble. But as a kid, you look and gone,

782
00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,800
Speaker 4: my older sister's so cool. You know, she can do anything.

783
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:46,520
Speaker 4: And they were in a changing room at one point

784
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:49,000
Speaker 4: and her sister looked at her side profile and said,

785
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:53,840
Speaker 4: oh god, you know you were so ugly from that angle.

786
00:43:54,160 --> 00:44:00,479
Speaker 4: My god, your side profile is ugly. And that thing

787
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 4: stuck with her for the rest of her life. It

788
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:07,160
Speaker 4: injured her so deeply and she's talking about this and

789
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 4: she's getting worked up, and like, I don't know if

790
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:16,480
Speaker 4: she's superficial or I don't know if she never realized Okay,

791
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:20,120
Speaker 4: that was a comment that was hurtful, and she spent

792
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,680
Speaker 4: her whole life trying to develop a strong suit to

793
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,439
Speaker 4: work around that. To tell you the truth, the way

794
00:44:25,480 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 4: her sister said it, and as directly as she said it,

795
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:33,000
Speaker 4: I think there's even a chance that her sister was

796
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,760
Speaker 4: using that as sarcasm, Like her sister was probably looking

797
00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 4: at her and going, Wow, she's gorgeous.

798
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:39,920
Speaker 3: God, you're ugly.

799
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,799
Speaker 4: But given her age and that was her sister, she

800
00:44:44,920 --> 00:44:49,360
Speaker 4: probably didn't take it that way and it caused damage.

801
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 4: So yeah, I wonder in any case, because I'm always wondering, Okay,

802
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 4: not what is somebody doing, but why, like where does

803
00:44:58,120 --> 00:45:01,920
Speaker 4: that come from? But if that becomes my whole identity,

804
00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:03,760
Speaker 4: what happens when that does fade?

805
00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 3: Yeah?

806
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 4: Ok, because I just talk about vulnerability. I know that

807
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:12,799
Speaker 4: earlier in my life I didn't feel I looked like

808
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:16,959
Speaker 4: everybody else. I knew I didn't look like everybody else

809
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:18,120
Speaker 4: because of how people.

810
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:19,920
Speaker 3: Reacted to me when they saw me.

811
00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,400
Speaker 4: It was like, oh, okay, all right, this kid's different.

812
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,439
Speaker 4: I got to regain composure, and it wasn't just kids,

813
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 4: it was adults. And then when I got to a

814
00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:30,520
Speaker 4: point where it's like, oh, I feel like I feel

815
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,840
Speaker 4: like I look normal. I just wanted to look normal.

816
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:40,880
Speaker 4: And I think if something happened where I no longer

817
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:44,680
Speaker 4: look normal, I believe it would affect me because it

818
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:48,120
Speaker 4: would bring back all of that pain from when I

819
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 4: didn't look normal and people weren't very kind about that.

820
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:58,480
Speaker 4: So I think the short answer is, if that becomes

821
00:45:58,480 --> 00:46:01,960
Speaker 4: your identity and that's a point of massive insecurity, it

822
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 4: could be brutal.

823
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:08,400
Speaker 1: He says the short answer after a seven minute monologue. Tiff, No,

824
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:12,439
Speaker 1: we love your monologues. TIF you, what do you think

825
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:13,000
Speaker 1: about this?

826
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 3: I don't know this. I guess it's always been around,

827
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 3: but just it's interesting.

828
00:46:18,440 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 2: I caught up with a friend recently and their two

829
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,759
Speaker 2: daughters were with us, and one of them ends up

830
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:26,680
Speaker 2: eleven years old, flipping through her phone showing me and

831
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:30,479
Speaker 2: it was just selfie after selfie after selfie in the mirror,

832
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:32,719
Speaker 2: in the mirror, and I thought about it, like, isn't

833
00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:36,920
Speaker 2: it interesting These kids, they're really young and they're just

834
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:42,520
Speaker 2: taking photos of themselves, like just hundreds the photos are

835
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 2: standing in the mirror looking at the same thing weirdly,

836
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:48,319
Speaker 2: usually with the phone in front of their face, which

837
00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:51,799
Speaker 2: is even more curious. But then I think about, you know,

838
00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,800
Speaker 2: when I was first in fitness and I used to

839
00:46:53,800 --> 00:46:57,239
Speaker 2: put a lot of selfies up, but also I never

840
00:46:57,320 --> 00:47:00,879
Speaker 2: felt like I looked like I'd put self like when

841
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:04,120
Speaker 2: I had a ripping six pack and I'd put photos

842
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:06,920
Speaker 2: of that ripping six pack up, and if people saw

843
00:47:06,960 --> 00:47:08,319
Speaker 2: them in the next day and we're like, show me

844
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:10,560
Speaker 2: your abs, so I'd be like, fucking no, Like I

845
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:15,320
Speaker 2: don't look like that as well. So there's it's I'm curious,

846
00:47:15,360 --> 00:47:20,080
Speaker 2: what is what drives humans to react in this way

847
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:23,920
Speaker 2: about the vision of ourself and also how connected is

848
00:47:23,960 --> 00:47:27,799
Speaker 2: it really to the reality of how we feel and

849
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 2: what we believe is us and are those two things

850
00:47:30,600 --> 00:47:33,880
Speaker 2: connected Now it's a little bit like thinking about body

851
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:39,000
Speaker 2: image and eating disorders. They're not always connected to the

852
00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:44,200
Speaker 2: visual aspect. There's deeper behavioral drivers that make people do

853
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:45,320
Speaker 2: those behaviors.

854
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:50,560
Speaker 1: I think also the real world reality is that away

855
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:56,000
Speaker 1: from this philosophical behind the micro microphone conversation about you know,

856
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 1: you're more than a body, and we love you, and

857
00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 1: you know which is all true? You know who am

858
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:03,560
Speaker 1: I beyond that? And emotionally and spiritually and mentally and

859
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:08,319
Speaker 1: sociologically and da da dah. You know I'm But out

860
00:48:08,360 --> 00:48:11,640
Speaker 1: in the world, people are rewarded for beauty, aren't they.

861
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: If you're beautiful, life's easier in many ways, anyway, like

862
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:19,160
Speaker 1: more doors open if you're a six foot three guy

863
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:22,160
Speaker 1: and you're jacked. And you'll ask Chris Hemsworth how hard

864
00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: life is. Not that he doesn't work hard, not that

865
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:28,759
Speaker 1: he's not talented, But if I walk down the street

866
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:32,120
Speaker 1: with that motherfucker, I look like Shrek. You know, it's

867
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:36,319
Speaker 1: like he's good on him. But you know, there's an

868
00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 1: advantage when you're pretty or when you're handsome more. And

869
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,440
Speaker 1: of course that's not to say that all of these

870
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 1: people don't work hard or don't deserve it. But you know,

871
00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:49,719
Speaker 1: the idea of all of what we're talking about is,

872
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:52,440
Speaker 1: I think it's true. I think we're much more than

873
00:48:52,560 --> 00:48:57,719
Speaker 1: just an appearance. But having said that, you're certainly rewarded

874
00:48:57,840 --> 00:49:02,520
Speaker 1: if you look a certain way in the real world.

875
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:06,799
Speaker 1: For one of better term. Beyond these conceptual conversations, on podcasts,

876
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,040
Speaker 1: you know, and it's I think.

877
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:12,440
Speaker 3: That's where kids learn this. They're like, well, you know

878
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 3: who do they look up to? Who are the people

879
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:18,400
Speaker 3: that they're youngsters? Listen to me?

880
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 1: Fuck, I sound old but idolizing. You know, they're super pretty,

881
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,640
Speaker 1: they're super handsome, they're super talented, they're super popular, they're

882
00:49:25,680 --> 00:49:29,560
Speaker 1: super jacked, they're all these things. You know, not everyone,

883
00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:33,319
Speaker 1: of course, but the majority. I was talking to a

884
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:36,400
Speaker 1: couple that I know, and the wife was talking to

885
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:38,799
Speaker 1: me about their eleven year old and she said to me,

886
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: do you know what she spends all her money on?

887
00:49:41,719 --> 00:49:45,719
Speaker 1: And I'm thinking, I don't know, video games, da da da,

888
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:47,319
Speaker 1: And she goes make up.

889
00:49:48,800 --> 00:49:51,400
Speaker 3: All her money goes on makeup. She's eleven.

890
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,400
Speaker 5: I go, she goes, oh yeah, like from nine.

891
00:49:55,239 --> 00:49:59,600
Speaker 1: To ten, they're wearing makeup and they're watching how to

892
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,359
Speaker 1: put on make up videos and they've got all these

893
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:07,839
Speaker 1: influencer makeup influencers that they follow and they're ten. I'm like, God,

894
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:12,440
Speaker 1: I'm so out of touch. I don't know anything. What

895
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:14,520
Speaker 1: were you spending your money on when you were eleven?

896
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:16,480
Speaker 2: Not make up?

897
00:50:19,239 --> 00:50:19,600
Speaker 3: Bobby?

898
00:50:19,640 --> 00:50:22,080
Speaker 1: How do people connect with you? How do they find you?

899
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:26,840
Speaker 1: And listen to you and become part of the Bobby

900
00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:27,960
Speaker 1: Capucco Experience.

901
00:50:29,760 --> 00:50:34,239
Speaker 4: The Bobby Capuccio Experience. Okay, yes, I think I think

902
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:36,759
Speaker 4: that's that's a lot to sign up for. But you

903
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,400
Speaker 4: could find me at LinkedIn. You could find me at

904
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:43,360
Speaker 4: Robert Capuccio dot com, the self help Antido dot.

905
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:48,000
Speaker 1: Com, Perfect and Tiffany and Cook Roll with the Punches

906
00:50:48,040 --> 00:50:51,480
Speaker 1: and Tiffcook dot Com and Sculpture.

907
00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 2: Around the Shadows of typ wherever I can Bunny.

908
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:59,560
Speaker 1: Just like, just like the ninja that she is, will

909
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: say goodbe I fear of course. Thanks Bobby, thanks Tip,

910
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:05,560
Speaker 1: Thanks everyone, Thank you everyone,