Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the she Risers Podcast. I'm Ashi
Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about. Get ready for
Speaker 1: your next level of self. Hello everybody, Welcome back to
Speaker 1: a Wednesday episode with and Ashi. Miday's topic is gonna
Speaker 1: ruffle a few feathers.
Speaker 2: We love to do that, as you guys know, Yeah,
Speaker 2: and you know.
Speaker 1: What willet ruffle feathers? Or is it just a topic
Speaker 1: that everyone has very different opinions on, so let's get
Speaker 1: straight into it. I reposted this quote that I was like, fuck, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's awesome, but boy did it get some pushback. Fifty
Speaker 1: percent were like WHOA not actual? Really more? I reckon
Speaker 1: seventy five percent of moms we're like, oh my god, yes,
Speaker 1: wiping up with like the clapping emojis. And then there
Speaker 1: was a couple that were like totally on the other
Speaker 1: end and fully disagree with it and voice their opinions.
Speaker 1: And I loved it. It was cool to hear everyone's
Speaker 1: perspective and anything around motherhood. Everyone's got their own way.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah. Everyone thinks they know what is best. What
Speaker 1: makes a good mum, what makes a bad mum? What's
Speaker 1: the right way to do things? And I don't think
Speaker 1: it's the one size fits all. I think your family,
Speaker 1: your values, your relationship, your children, your finances, it's all
Speaker 1: so different. So how can you say one way is
Speaker 1: the right way to do things? Yeah? Anyways, the quote
Speaker 1: said the world needs more mums who go after their
Speaker 1: dreams because our kids are watching. Oh I love that.
Speaker 1: I love it. That's the best. So true. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: did not watch my mum follow her dreams. The pushback
Speaker 1: that I got, I wrote down one of them because
Speaker 1: I think it would help this conversation to give more
Speaker 1: context Where she was at. She said, I disagree, our
Speaker 1: kids need more present mums. I could not care less
Speaker 1: what my mum did for a career. What I remember
Speaker 1: is her being there for everything. We were her world,
Speaker 1: and we need to normalize more of this. And I
Speaker 1: was like, hmm, good point. I see both sides. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but my side. I wanted to talk about more growing
Speaker 1: up my mom worked a lot because she had to.
Speaker 1: She didn't have a choice. It was survival. Like, she
Speaker 1: did not have much money. She was the main breadwinner.
Speaker 1: My stepfather was always getting fired and in out of
Speaker 1: jobs and just living his best life really, so my
Speaker 1: mom was always making sure that we had food on
Speaker 1: our plate, and we got to go to school, and
Speaker 1: we got to do dancing and all the things that
Speaker 1: we wanted to do. So I watched my mom never
Speaker 1: prioritize herself. She was always drained, always tired, probably resentful,
Speaker 1: always in survival mode, never thriving. And I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: for everything she did for us in the life she
Speaker 1: provided and how she did what she could with what
Speaker 1: she had. Of Course, however, I would have loved to
Speaker 1: see her lit up with a hobby. I would have
Speaker 1: loved her to come home from work and for her
Speaker 1: to share her day and say, today, it was amazing,
Speaker 1: we did this, we did that, we did that. But
Speaker 1: whenever I asked when I'm about her work, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: another stressful day, like this person say this, and I
Speaker 1: was dealing with this amount of money, and it was
Speaker 1: just was never positive. Yeah, I never remember my mom
Speaker 1: just like loving her work so that created stories to
Speaker 1: me that you get a job to pay bills. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what life is. You get a job and it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter if you're happy, you enjoy, you get to
Speaker 1: pay bills. So I grew up with that belief, and
Speaker 1: I grew up watching my mom never happy because I'm
Speaker 1: like gone the full opposite. Yeah, I agree with this quote.
Speaker 1: I want my kids to see and for it to
Speaker 1: be normal for them to find what they love doing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how it can make impact and make money from it. Yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: create a dream, create a life where you get to
Speaker 1: wake up every day excited to go to work, because
Speaker 1: guess what, most of us are spending more hours working,
Speaker 1: not what we are doing anything else in our life
Speaker 1: from sleeping. So you want to enjoy for her. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And I want my kids to see that it's normal
Speaker 1: for mom and dad to go to date night, to
Speaker 1: spend time with each other, to prioritize each other.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm a girl, so I can only speak
Speaker 1: on my behalf. But I want my little girl and
Speaker 1: my little boy to see how important connection, relationships and
Speaker 1: friendships are. Yeah, my mom has no friends. Yeah, she
Speaker 1: hasn't had friends for a very long time. She got
Speaker 1: burned a couple of times, and like that was it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: friendship is so important to me. My friends literally have
Speaker 1: saved my life more than they would ever know.
Speaker 2: Yah.
Speaker 1: I want my kids to see how much I pour
Speaker 1: into my friendships and how important they are and how
Speaker 1: much they hold me through some really tough time.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I want all of that to be normal. So if
Speaker 1: I want that to be normal for them and for
Speaker 1: them to never feel guilty or shameful or uncomfortable around
Speaker 1: any of that, I have to lead the way. I
Speaker 1: have to show them. So my head, that makes total sense.
Speaker 1: But I hear this other woman who you know, was
Speaker 1: so grateful that her mum was just there for literally everything. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I love that for her, and I think that's so beautiful.
Speaker 1: But why can't we have a beautiful balance of both? Yeah,
Speaker 1: And that's my question, And I believe we can. I
Speaker 1: believe I'm doing all of that. And I also have
Speaker 1: never missed a school. I've chosen a career and a
Speaker 1: job and a business, and I've sacrificed a lot to
Speaker 1: be in a position that i can do all the
Speaker 1: things I want to do, not miss anything with my kids' school. Yeah,
Speaker 1: show me the mom. I want to be and show
Speaker 1: them that they too can have their cake and eat it.
Speaker 1: You know, why can't we have it all? We have
Speaker 1: this beautiful blend of it both. And there's different seasons
Speaker 1: where work definitely takes up more of my capacity for sure,
Speaker 1: and there's different seasons where I'm full deep in motherhood. Yeah,
Speaker 1: especially like the newborn stage when they're going through something
Speaker 1: or they're sick, or they're just needing you more emotionally.
Speaker 1: There's different seasons for it all. But yeah, I love
Speaker 1: to challenge this old, limiting, disordered belief around you can't
Speaker 1: have it all.
Speaker 2: It's almost like it has to be one way. It's
Speaker 2: like it has to be all this way or all
Speaker 2: the opposite way. There's never any like middle ground or
Speaker 2: where you kind of are learning to like what you
Speaker 2: were saying, sometimes you're more motherhood, sometimes you're more business
Speaker 2: based on what needs you at that given time. So
Speaker 2: it's like everything I've I mean, I don't know because
Speaker 2: I'm not a parent, but I imagine it would be ever interchanging.
Speaker 1: It is always, yeah, die every week, every month, every year.
Speaker 1: I could imagine.
Speaker 2: And you know what's interesting, Like my mom was very similar,
Speaker 2: Like my mom didn't work. But my mom was a
Speaker 2: full time care for five children, so I'm one of five,
Speaker 2: and I never watched her grow up having friends or
Speaker 2: hobbies or things that really lit her up. She was
Speaker 2: just very much motherhood and like same thing. Like even
Speaker 2: I say to her now, I'm like, I would love
Speaker 2: to see her do something that actually lights her up
Speaker 2: and makes her super happy, because, like what you said,
Speaker 2: you have to be the example of that so that
Speaker 2: your children then believe that that's possible too. Yes, you know,
Speaker 2: and how cool would that have been, even though I
Speaker 2: chose something different than what my mom has in terms
Speaker 2: of prioritizing friends and being really important just like you
Speaker 2: and have experienced it in my real life, like how
Speaker 2: beautiful having friends are, having hobbies, having a career, like
Speaker 2: all of those things, how much they make me me?
Speaker 2: And I could imagine that would only help me pour
Speaker 2: into being a mom so much more because I'd be
Speaker 2: able to show up better, happier, I'm more lit up.
Speaker 2: I'm also more creative. I also get to like pour
Speaker 2: that then into them and go, these are some really
Speaker 2: beautiful traits about me because of what I've chosen. This
Speaker 2: is something you had to have for yourself as well.
Speaker 1: Just think it's so important it is, You're so right,
Speaker 1: it needs to be like one way or the other.
Speaker 1: And where did that come from? Yeah? Like where has
Speaker 1: that stemmed from? I don't know.
Speaker 2: I feel like it would be personal beliefs, people's own
Speaker 2: shame and judgment around what they're allowed and not allowed
Speaker 2: to do based on what they've seen, Yeah, or grown
Speaker 2: up having or not having.
Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting and there's obviously so many projections online.
Speaker 1: It's like every time I go away with Steep or
Speaker 1: even on a date night, not as much date nights anymore,
Speaker 1: but every night again. But if I go away with
Speaker 1: him for a stay k oh, I'm the worst mother
Speaker 1: on earth. Like, oh, she's always leaving her children behind.
Speaker 1: And like, obviously I come to Britain. I do travel
Speaker 1: for work, But yes I do, and I love it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have the best. I'm not gonna deny
Speaker 1: I love going over my girlfriends. Yeah for a stay
Speaker 1: k or a holiday, I'm not denying that. I love it.
Speaker 1: Why can't I love that? Just because I'm a mum,
Speaker 1: I have to let go of everything else that I enjoy. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to feel bad for that, and I
Speaker 1: don't feel bad for that, and you know, it's crazy
Speaker 1: as well.
Speaker 2: It's like, this is a huge generalization, by the way,
Speaker 2: but you see a lot of women who lose themselves
Speaker 2: in potentially motherhood or being the household caretaker and not
Speaker 2: really providing anything for themselves and being wildly unhappy, being miserable, depressed.
Speaker 2: One's precious, that's right, you know. And it's like, now
Speaker 2: you're in this life that you're living. And not to
Speaker 2: say that you don't love being a parent, you do.
Speaker 2: They're your absolute world. They're your absolute world. But it's
Speaker 2: like there's a part of those women who are also
Speaker 2: craving something bigger, something deeper, a different aspect of life, creativity,
Speaker 2: to have their confidence back all of those things. It's
Speaker 2: a tough thing when there's a lot of judgments around
Speaker 2: what you should shouldn't do when it has nothing to
Speaker 2: do with anybody else.
Speaker 1: I was talking to Taylor, my coach, about it the
Speaker 1: other day. So he's got three children, three young children,
Speaker 1: and they own Native State and calling Uttah and him
Speaker 1: and his beautiful fiance working it together, and we were
Speaker 1: having this discussion around mums that a stay at home mums,
Speaker 1: and he's like, there's only so much Google Gaga that
Speaker 1: you can do all day before you get to go
Speaker 1: on saying yes, yes, you can love it so much,
Speaker 1: but you can love being a mum. But you don't
Speaker 1: have to love every single moment. It is so okay.
Speaker 1: If anyone's told you otherwise, this is your full permission, slip.
Speaker 1: It's okay for you to enjoy other things. Yes, even okay,
Speaker 1: just for you to want some time out by yourself.
Speaker 2: Yeah. And you know what's interesting as well, Just because
Speaker 2: you feel guilt doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's such a good thing, right.
Speaker 2: Because let's put this in a different perspective. When you
Speaker 2: put a boundary in with somebody, you're gonna feel guilty
Speaker 2: if you're not used to doing it. But it doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that it's the wrong thing. It actually means it's
Speaker 2: the right thing. It's just shows you how much you've
Speaker 2: abandoned yourself up until that moment.
Speaker 1: Mic drop right. Wow, same thing with parenting.
Speaker 2: Again, This is speculation from me because I don't have children, right,
Speaker 2: so I can only say so much. But in terms
Speaker 2: of that doing the same thing and feeling that sense
Speaker 2: of guilt doesn't mean that you're wrong because.
Speaker 1: You feel it.
Speaker 2: It's because you actually care.
Speaker 1: You love your children.
Speaker 2: You want to spend every time with them, all of
Speaker 2: your time with them. Yeah, but you're allowed to have
Speaker 2: time for yourself as well. And the more that you do,
Speaker 2: I'm sure the better parent you're going to be, the
Speaker 2: better partner you're going to be. How much kinder you're
Speaker 2: going to be to yourself when you can actually pull
Speaker 2: back into yourself.
Speaker 1: When you go with your friends, Like say, I go
Speaker 1: with my friends, I go for a stay care with Steve,
Speaker 1: or I come up here, I go to Bali, I
Speaker 1: do something without my children. I can go away and
Speaker 1: enjoy that and still miss the absolute fuck out of them,
Speaker 1: and I do every time. But that's okay. I will survive. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know me going away for a week in their
Speaker 1: lifetime is a short amount of time in the span
Speaker 1: of things. Yeah, it really is. I wanted to bring
Speaker 1: this into conversation because I know so many women listening
Speaker 1: are mums, and so many of us have been told
Speaker 1: by our moms, or our grandparents, or society, social media,
Speaker 1: other people that you're a bad mum for doing X
Speaker 1: y Z. You're not Yeah, I'm gonna tell you over
Speaker 1: and over again. I will have this conversation forever. You're
Speaker 1: not a bad mum. If you want to go on
Speaker 1: a date night, have a hobby, have a career, try
Speaker 1: something new, or you feel like you need a fucking break,
Speaker 1: it does make your bad mum. You're a human having
Speaker 1: a human experience, and you're allowed to enjoy different things,
Speaker 1: and you're allowed to change your mind as well. You
Speaker 1: might have loved being a mother full time stay at
Speaker 1: home care for the first three years, and then you decide, actually,
Speaker 1: I want to go back in the workplace, and you
Speaker 1: put the one day here for two days a week,
Speaker 1: and you go back to the workplace and you start
Speaker 1: having some income for yourself for so explore new study
Speaker 1: or whatever. Like. You're allowed to change your mind.
Speaker 2: You're allowed to have adult conversations.
Speaker 1: You are allowed to have adult conversations. Yes, one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: So yeah, motherhood. It's a very controversial topic and it
Speaker 1: always gets pushed back, and there's just so many opinions
Speaker 1: around her. But I love this girl's comment because I
Speaker 1: love that her mum was able to be there for her,
Speaker 1: and I love that she felt so cared for and
Speaker 1: loved and it looks so different to my upbringing. But
Speaker 1: there's not one right or wrong. I would love to
Speaker 1: interview her mom and see where she was at that
Speaker 1: whole time and where she's at now, Like my mum.
Speaker 1: In hindsight now, she's like, I wish I took more
Speaker 1: time for myself. We talk about it now, like she
Speaker 1: does not even think she is worthy of going to
Speaker 1: get a massage. She's so aware of the old conditioning. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And she's like, I'm so glad that you have broken
Speaker 1: that cycle and normalize, and she goes, I can see
Speaker 1: how much you value yourself and I just love that
Speaker 1: for you. I'm like, fuck, yeah, I'm worthy of a
Speaker 1: massive you work hard, I'm worthy of relaxing.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And I joke about it with her and she's like,
Speaker 1: I just wish I could get to that point. I'm
Speaker 1: super aware of it. But in hindsight now she's like,
Speaker 1: I just wish I did things so differently. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: you know, you only know what you know, and they didn't.
Speaker 1: That generation especially didn't have access. We spoke out this
Speaker 1: the other day to life coaches, to YouTube to podcaster
Speaker 1: people openly talking about therapy and working through their childhood
Speaker 1: traumas and all that stuff. So they did the best
Speaker 1: they can. But she's like, I'm just so glad that
Speaker 1: you can show your kids a different way to do things.
Speaker 1: And she even said to me she definitely had a
Speaker 1: bit of resentment around like kids, yeah, because it was
Speaker 1: everything she wanted and more like she wanted to be
Speaker 1: in mu more than anything in the whole entire world.
Speaker 1: But it doesn't mean it's not hard, no, not that
Speaker 1: who The thing that you always say to me is like,
Speaker 1: you can say something and it doesn't have to mean something,
Speaker 1: or you can feel something. Yeah, you don't have to
Speaker 1: act on it. You can feel something and it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to mean anything deeper. Yeah you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you can have a moment and it can just
Speaker 2: be present in that moment. It exists in that moment,
Speaker 2: and then five minutes later you think and feel something
Speaker 2: completely different.
Speaker 1: And that's motherhood in a nutshell. It's like, my fucking
Speaker 1: kids are driving me up the wall, like get me
Speaker 1: back to bowing, and then they come over and like
Speaker 1: love your mommy, Like, oh my god, I love you
Speaker 1: your mom so much, not for thinking why didn't hear that?
Speaker 2: Or they're like napping and you're taking photos of them
Speaker 2: like you're can't fare my everything.
Speaker 1: Literally, it's like that gets to be there, just allow
Speaker 1: all to be there.
Speaker 2: It's that learning how to flow with each emotion that
Speaker 2: comes forward. And just when you learn to process emotion
Speaker 2: in the moment, whether good or bad or heavy, yes,
Speaker 2: then you allow that natural flow of like hey, this moment,
Speaker 2: I feel happy, and inn this moment I feel sad,
Speaker 2: and then this moment I'm laughing, and you just go
Speaker 2: on the natural flow of those emotions.
Speaker 1: That doesn't are wrong or right. It's literally just an emotion.
Speaker 1: Just your experience doesn't define who you are. Not at
Speaker 1: all depressed, angry, frustrated, so be joyful, guilty whatever. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just an emotion that you're feeling. Comes up and
Speaker 1: then it goes just like a crashing wave. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: you watch an it gets to its peak, like we
Speaker 1: get to our peak, crashes down. Then it smooths out
Speaker 1: in him and then you're happy, and then you eat snacks.
Speaker 1: Then you're off for a local love. Then you call
Speaker 1: your best friend and you're fine. Yeah yeah, that's right. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and then the ways come together.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then that's right, and one minute it was
Speaker 2: a ten minute voice message about what was happening, and
Speaker 2: then the next week's I want to go for a walk.
Speaker 1: Literally, oh my gosh. So yeah, I don't be there.
Speaker 1: I'm glad we brought this in and I hope it
Speaker 1: inspires moms out there to create a different path, to
Speaker 1: do things differently, to be a trialbilizer. And like, imagine
Speaker 1: if you decided to do something, how many other mums
Speaker 1: will then see you do them be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: if she can do it, I need to do it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she gets to live that life. Hell yeah, yeah, I
Speaker 1: want to live that life. I want to create that
Speaker 1: for myself too. Now you show me it's possible.
Speaker 2: And you know what's beautiful is like you only need
Speaker 2: one person to be evidence of what you want.
Speaker 1: To be true and possible for you.
Speaker 2: And that's the whole point of like parenting, right, is
Speaker 2: that you come together with your partner to create a
Speaker 2: new way of being. Yeah, you're choosing to do things different.
Speaker 2: If you don't like something that you were raised or
Speaker 2: something that you're taught, you have absolute choice and autonomy
Speaker 2: over choosing something new for yourself and your family.
Speaker 1: How fun is that? It's so fun? It's so freeing.
Speaker 2: The thought that you get to have choice in that
Speaker 2: matter of what you get to choose, teach, and create
Speaker 2: is so fun to me.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so freaking cool. So I hope this lands for
Speaker 1: any mum's out there. Otherwise we'll see in the next episode. Bye.