WEBVTT - How To Switch Off When You Already Feel Like You're Drowning 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:03.280 Women are carrying seventy percent of the planning, anticipating, and 0:00:03.320 --> 0:00:06.400 monitoring in the household. This is not even just the doing, 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:09.879 this is the thinking. We're planning, we're anticipating, We're constantly 0:00:09.920 --> 0:00:12.799 just in our head and no wonder we can't switch off. 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:16.480 You're not bad at time management. You're managing seven people's 0:00:16.520 --> 0:00:19.000 lives on top of your own. You know, when you 0:00:19.040 --> 0:00:20.880 finally sit down at the end of the day, it's 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:23.480 nighttime and the kids are in bed, and you're just 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:26.599 like your legs are aching, you're just absolutely exhausted. You 0:00:26.680 --> 0:00:29.920 plunk down on the couch and suddenly you remember you've 0:00:29.920 --> 0:00:32.000 got a load of washing that needs to be put 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:34.800 in the dryer. You didn't send that email, the kids 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:38.080 need that permission slip filled in, and you also have 0:00:38.159 --> 0:00:40.800 got to call your best friend back. And then you 0:00:40.880 --> 0:00:45.160 have the other realization that you haven't done one thing 0:00:45.240 --> 0:00:49.040 for yourself today. You haven't even thought about yourself today. 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:52.720 It's like life has swallowed you whole and you've been 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:55.960 an autopilot for years now. You're just surviving. You're not 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:58.960 even living, You're just surviving day to day, going through 0:00:58.960 --> 0:01:02.920 the motions, tick things off, Sadly, this situation is so 0:01:03.200 --> 0:01:05.479 common for every single one of us, but for some reason, 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:08.199 most of us sit there and think, why me, Why 0:01:08.240 --> 0:01:11.280 am I like this? Why can't I just keep up? 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:15.640 Why do I always feel behind? And it feels like 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:19.040 the impossible task? And it is now. I'm not going 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:20.520 to sit here and tell you I want to wave 0:01:20.560 --> 0:01:22.720 a magic wand and fix this. I wish I could, 0:01:22.800 --> 0:01:24.840 but I can't. And I'm also not going to sit 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:26.880 here in this episode and say to you just do 0:01:27.000 --> 0:01:30.839 more self care. But what I will say is, somewhere 0:01:30.880 --> 0:01:33.800 along the way, you became the manager of everyone else's life. 0:01:34.040 --> 0:01:36.680 You stopped existing as a person outside of all your 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:40.840 responsibilities and to do list, and you miss yourself. And 0:01:40.920 --> 0:01:44.399 I'll also say that we can fix that. You can 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:47.040 fix that. If you've ever sat in your driveway after 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:50.200 getting back from school drop off and you're sitting in 0:01:50.240 --> 0:01:51.920 the car and it's been about ten minutes and you 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:54.600 just can't bring yourself to go inside, this is the 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:56.880 episode for you. I want to tell you the lie 0:01:56.960 --> 0:01:58.919 that we've been sold about rest and the real reason 0:01:59.040 --> 0:02:01.200 that you feel like there is no time, and the 0:02:01.240 --> 0:02:04.560 one shift that changed it for me. Stick with me 0:02:04.600 --> 0:02:06.080 to the end, because not only am I going to 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:08.160 unpack all of this, and there is going to be 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:10.639 some very needed brutal honesty in this one as well. 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.320 So hopefully we're still friends by the end. But I'm 0:02:13.360 --> 0:02:15.760 also going to be giving you the reframes and the 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:19.720 systems that will I can't guarantee give you hours back 0:02:19.760 --> 0:02:22.080 a week, but will make you feel like it. It'll 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:24.160 make you feel lighter, it will make you feel like 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:28.440 you can still do the things, but you're present and 0:02:28.480 --> 0:02:30.320 you are able to think of yourself as well and 0:02:30.400 --> 0:02:35.040 have little glimmers of joy throughout your day. Welcome back 0:02:35.080 --> 0:02:37.200 to Stepping Up. I hope you guys are having a 0:02:37.240 --> 0:02:40.560 good weekend, You're having a good week, whatever daytime, hour 0:02:40.639 --> 0:02:44.120 you're listening to this. But before I get into it, 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:47.400 a bit of a life update. I've had a bloody 0:02:47.400 --> 0:02:49.840 big week, which I feel like is very much in 0:02:49.960 --> 0:02:52.800 theme for today's episode. You know, I had a photo 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:55.639 shoot on Monday and I just got over a cold. 0:02:55.680 --> 0:02:57.200 There's like, you know, how kids bring home all the 0:02:57.200 --> 0:02:59.839 cold colds. I do feel like though, when the kids 0:02:59.840 --> 0:03:02.400 were in daycare, they brought home way more and that 0:03:02.520 --> 0:03:06.080 was brutal, Like when there was gastro that was horrible. 0:03:06.120 --> 0:03:08.920 That was not a good time, but you know, we 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:10.760 just got over over, like all of us got a 0:03:10.800 --> 0:03:12.640 little bit sick. And then we had a photo shoot 0:03:12.639 --> 0:03:14.600 for Steph Pace Planners on Monday, which is always at 0:03:14.639 --> 0:03:17.200 my house, and we have so much fun and you'd 0:03:17.240 --> 0:03:19.560 actually be surprised to know that, like smiling just for 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:22.000 the camera all day is actually exhausting. I could not 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:26.600 be a model for many reasons. And then you know, 0:03:26.600 --> 0:03:29.000 I'm recording here at nov today, which I love doing, 0:03:29.040 --> 0:03:30.400 but you know it's in Sydney. There's a bit of 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:32.600 a commute, but low key. I feel like I'm so 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:35.360 productive on trains. I think it's because I literally can't 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:37.840 do anything else. And it also kind of helps that 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:40.160 you don't have the internet for quite a long time 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:43.560 for my commute anyway. And then you know, the kids 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:46.080 are doing netball now, and then tomorrow I'm at the 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.040 warehouse and we have a meeting day because I batch 0:03:49.120 --> 0:03:51.360 all of our meetings together because it helps my brain 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:53.360 stay in that zone. And then I'm not feeling like 0:03:53.360 --> 0:03:55.640 I've been pulled as much, like pulled in all the 0:03:55.640 --> 0:03:57.640 different areas of my life, which again is one of 0:03:57.640 --> 0:04:00.640 my tips later on. Yeah, and it's just been a 0:04:00.680 --> 0:04:02.640 bit crazy. And then the kids have netball and we've 0:04:02.640 --> 0:04:07.080 got like that on Saturday. It's just life. Yeah, like, 0:04:07.200 --> 0:04:09.480 let's all just have you know what you can say, 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:12.080 you're on a let us pretend this podcast is actually 0:04:12.080 --> 0:04:13.480 like you're on a call to your boss, and we 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:15.120 can all nap and I won't even talk for the 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:16.320 rest of the episode. We can all have a little 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:20.360 nap together. But yeah, life is a lot right now. 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:22.320 And while I love what I do and I'm super 0:04:22.360 --> 0:04:25.400 passionate about all the things, and I do like to say, 0:04:25.520 --> 0:04:27.680 like I don't know if this is bad or not, 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:30.159 but I have said before that I'd rather burn out 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:32.440 from what I love than have no spark at all. 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:36.280 But it can feel like a lot even when you do. 0:04:36.480 --> 0:04:37.960 You know, it's like your kids, Like you love your 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:41.480 kids to death, but god, they're exhausting. Sorry Halper and Willow, 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:44.560 but oh my goodness, like, just give me a minute, 0:04:44.560 --> 0:04:47.280 you know. And my girls they're so intelligent and they 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:49.440 just ask a lot of questions, which is great. I 0:04:49.520 --> 0:04:51.680 love that they're inquisitive and they're learning about the world. 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:54.479 But can we be inquisitive between the hours of like 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:58.320 three to five max. Like, that's a lot. So even 0:04:58.320 --> 0:05:00.320 one of my girls that she asks a lot of questions. 0:05:00.880 --> 0:05:04.160 And for me, especially after like a day of meetings 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:07.000 and staff, like for me after lunch, I'm corksh I'm 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:08.880 done for some reason. As soon as I wake up 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:10.360 in the morning, I'm ready to go. I'm one of 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:15.280 those annoying people. But after about eleven thirty, I go downhill. 0:05:15.360 --> 0:05:19.200 I decline very fast, very rapidly. Anyway, So one of 0:05:19.240 --> 0:05:20.800 the girls was asking me a lot of questions like 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:23.360 she usually does because she's so smart, and I was like, honey, 0:05:23.720 --> 0:05:25.560 how about we get you a question book? So I 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:28.480 gave her an SPP notebook and I got her to 0:05:28.480 --> 0:05:30.520 write her questions in there. And then I said, you know, 0:05:30.640 --> 0:05:33.880 after dinner, howbout we can pick like five together. So 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:35.640 that became a thing for a little while. But on 0:05:35.680 --> 0:05:38.960 the first day, no joke, she wrote like five pages 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:42.239 of questions. We have enough for a year at this point. 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:46.120 Little hack there if you guys need that. And oh, 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:49.080 I'm also excited to announce we were the proud owners 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:51.920 of a pet snail. On the weekend, the girls decided 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:57.479 to keep a snail. And Ryan didn't have any knowledge 0:05:57.520 --> 0:06:01.920 of insect keeping or snail keeping, and I did because 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:03.960 as a child, I didn't have much to do, so 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:07.039 I just played with snails. Apparently, we got a little container, 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:09.480 put some leaves and that in there. Please don't call 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:14.440 horrors PCA, and we had this pet snail. And one 0:06:14.480 --> 0:06:17.080 of my girls was like stressing out so much about 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:20.039 this pet snail. She's like like just feeling that like 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:24.800 the effects of motherhoods, you know. Anyway, so I was 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:27.800 given snail sitting duties overnight, and let me tell you, 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:29.640 I was actually quite stressed because the snail was very 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:31.240 little and there was these holes in the top of 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:33.680 the container obviously, and I was also scared I was 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:34.920 going to get out and then I was going to 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:38.320 be in big trouble. But anyway, I'm excited to announce 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:41.560 the snail has been released back into the wild, Thank 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:46.000 goodness for everybody. And I caught myself thinking, like, you know, 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:48.120 I nearly said to her, which I did, and I 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:51.279 was like, you know, I caught myself thinking, like, you 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:54.560 know about my girls, saying like, thinking, you're stressing about 0:06:54.600 --> 0:06:58.560 something so small like this snail. You're stressing so much 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.800 about this bloody snail that not going to care about 0:07:00.839 --> 0:07:04.039 in five minutes. But then I realized I do the 0:07:04.080 --> 0:07:07.240 exact same thing, not about a pet snail, but about 0:07:07.640 --> 0:07:10.440 day to day things like that email, like, oh it 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:12.119 just my friend thing. I hate it because I haven't 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:15.240 wrote to her for ages things like that, And you know, 0:07:15.320 --> 0:07:16.880 who am I to sit there and tell my daughter 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:19.440 not to stress about a pet snail when I'm stressing 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:22.600 about every possible little inconvenience in my life as well. 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:24.600 So that was a bit of a wake up call 0:07:24.640 --> 0:07:27.800 for me, and I've just really been wanting to get 0:07:28.040 --> 0:07:31.800 you know, instead of stressing about this small things and 0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:34.280 snail sitting, I wanted to try and be a bit 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:36.280 more present that weekend. So on the weekend I went 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.280 to Target and Kmart. I like, I really, as you 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:39.800 guys know if you followed me for a while, I 0:07:39.840 --> 0:07:43.040 love pottering around the house. I love organizing little spaces 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:44.920 and cleaning. And I'm not saying I do this all day, 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:48.440 but it just makes me feel really present and calm, 0:07:48.720 --> 0:07:51.840 maybe because I'm doing things externally and you can see 0:07:51.880 --> 0:07:54.720 the result, you know, Like I'm sure you guys would 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:56.480 understand that you know when you're sending emails off and 0:07:56.520 --> 0:07:57.800 you get to the any your inbox and then you 0:07:57.800 --> 0:08:00.200 get a new one and you don't actually see like 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:02.960 you just feel like you're sending things off into space 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:04.920 and you don't get to see the results. So for me, 0:08:05.080 --> 0:08:08.360 you know, being able to see visually, you know, me 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:10.840 organizing a space and that it gives me a lot 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:15.840 of happiness. It's exciting to fold linen and sheets apparently, 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.559 so I've been doing that and I can tell you guys, 0:08:18.600 --> 0:08:21.520 our target and Kmart are doing really well at the moment. 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:25.360 There's some really nice things there, so maybe go over 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:29.040 and have a look. I'm probably bad influence. But before 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:31.280 I get into today's episode, I'm so excited to say 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:34.040 the hot mess hot line is back, and as you 0:08:34.040 --> 0:08:37.000 guys know this, these episodes went really really well last season. 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:40.080 So send in your messy situations, your questions, anything like 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:41.920 if you need me to organize the overwhelm for you, 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:44.880 and I am your woman, So send them in. Send 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:47.040 your submissions in in the link in the show notes, 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:49.800 and I will tackle them one by one. So today 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:51.679 we're talking about how to make time for yourself when 0:08:51.720 --> 0:08:54.520 you already feel like you're drowning, and I'm going to 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:58.840 make this nice and a shorter episode. I say that, 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:01.839 but then it never happens, because chances are if you're 0:09:01.880 --> 0:09:04.440 listening to this, obviously you're drowning, like you need help. 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:08.040 So I'm going to just be really honest, sometimes too 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:10.400 brutally honest, but I'm hoping this is the wake up 0:09:10.440 --> 0:09:14.600 call that you need. And I remember seeing online once 0:09:14.640 --> 0:09:17.720 and I've mentioned this before, but there was a quote 0:09:17.760 --> 0:09:20.360 and it said, I don't want to be remembered as 0:09:20.400 --> 0:09:24.360 the woman who was always exhausted. And that's how it's 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:28.160 so easy to feel chronically exhausted with the expectations we 0:09:28.200 --> 0:09:31.440 place on ourselves but also society. You know, I was 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:32.959 seeing you the other day. You know the kids school 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:35.760 have so many events on, which is fantastic, but you know, 0:09:35.840 --> 0:09:38.680 I work for myself, but like have all the parents 0:09:38.679 --> 0:09:41.880 that you know who can't get there, and like you know, 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:44.400 you physically can't leave because it's like your work and 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:46.960 things like that, that there's all these extra expectations now, 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:49.840 like you're expected to work full time but act like 0:09:49.880 --> 0:09:52.040 you don't even have kids, but then you're supposed to 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:54.040 a parent like you solely have kids and don't have 0:09:54.080 --> 0:09:56.920 a job, like it's actually impossible. And you know, like 0:09:57.200 --> 0:09:59.200 I've said for so long that life can just feel 0:09:59.240 --> 0:10:01.240 like a pressure cooker at the best of times, and 0:10:01.280 --> 0:10:04.120 you just like it's like you're waiting for the pressure 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:07.280 to get too much, and then somehow you still manage 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.079 and you still keep going through and through, and you're 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:12.720 just constantly thinking like, oh, this life has to settle down, 0:10:12.720 --> 0:10:14.960 it has to settle down. And then next minute you 0:10:14.960 --> 0:10:17.120 look back and it's been like eight years, Like even 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:19.079 thinking back to when Harper was little, that was ten 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:21.560 years ago, and it's like, I don't want to keep 0:10:21.600 --> 0:10:23.000 doing this. I don't want to keep going through the 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:26.000 emotions and not you know, being present and taking time 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:27.720 for myself. And the thing is we need to learn 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:30.640 that if we don't learn how to take time for 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:34.640 ourselves now, we never will, which is scary, but it's 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:37.480 the truth, and I'm going to help you. You know. 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:41.240 It's like I saw that meme on Facebook and it 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:45.520 said adult friendship is really just shooting off text like yes, hello, 0:10:45.640 --> 0:10:47.439 I'm not dead yet, can I arrange to see you 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:49.360 in four to six weeks? And that's it. It's like 0:10:49.480 --> 0:10:51.920 you all the things that bring you joy, like seeing 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:54.679 your friends, all of that gets pushed aside and then 0:10:54.840 --> 0:10:56.480 you think, oh, yeah, we'll catch up and you maybe 0:10:56.520 --> 0:10:59.839 see each other once a year, and same thing goes 0:10:59.840 --> 0:11:01.520 for health. We don't feel like we have enough time 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.079 to even be healthy or organize our home or potter 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:06.480 around the house. And that's really sad. And the problem 0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:09.400 isn't laziness. It's the fact that we're in survival mode 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:12.520 and our systems aren't set up for us. And I'm 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:14.000 gonna be honest with you, I feel like the way 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:15.720 a lot of the things in the world are set 0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:17.680 up is just basically a scam. And I'm not a 0:11:17.840 --> 0:11:21.319 like a conspiracy theorist. I'm just thinking, like how we're 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:24.319 meant to like it's actually not possible, and there's not 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:27.160 enough time in the day to be doing all the things. 0:11:27.360 --> 0:11:28.760 And this is where we need to really sit down 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.319 with our planners and like reassess where is our time going. 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:34.040 Like honestly, you might think, oh, I haven't got time 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:35.599 to go to the gym, but maybe you're scrolling for 0:11:35.640 --> 0:11:39.160 hours in the afternoon like most of us. But you 0:11:39.240 --> 0:11:42.280 just need to be really brutally honest with yourself. So 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:44.960 what does drowning or being swallowed whole by your life 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:46.560 actually look like? Now? I want to tell you what 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:50.360 it looks like. For me. It's been me hiding in 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:53.880 the pantry just to get some pece and quiet, and 0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:56.440 a lot of sitting in my driveway because you can't 0:11:56.480 --> 0:11:58.880 bring yourself to walk inside yet because it's just like 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:02.000 a moment of just nothing. It's like this solitude that 0:12:02.040 --> 0:12:06.439 just feels so it's like therapy. It's scrolling because your 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:09.280 brain is just too overstimulated to even choose rest, to 0:12:09.360 --> 0:12:12.439 even have space to just do nothing. And it's also 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:18.000 treating basic needs like honestly water, food and peain like rewards. 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:20.800 And it even gets that bad that you start to 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:24.439 feel resentful to anyone else that gets rest, and that's 0:12:24.480 --> 0:12:27.320 not good, you know. And it's filled with lies that 0:12:27.360 --> 0:12:29.520 we tell ourselves like after this week, I'll slow down, 0:12:29.640 --> 0:12:32.040 or when life settles down, I'll be okay, but it 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:35.080 never happens. So if you're nodding to any of these things, 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:36.960 this is going to be the wake up call you need. 0:12:38.000 --> 0:12:39.400 And make sure you stay to the end, because it 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:41.200 not only am I going to be unpacking, you know, 0:12:41.240 --> 0:12:43.720 the lie that we've been sold about rest in life. 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.240 But you know the real reasons why you feel like 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:48.480 that you don't have any time? And that's going to 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:50.640 be broken into two parts, the bits that you won't 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:52.320 love hearing and the bits that will make you feel 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:54.800 very seen. So we're going to rip the bandaid off first, 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:57.000 and then I want to be talking about the shift 0:12:57.000 --> 0:12:59.079 that changed everything from me, and then at the end, 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:02.160 I want to talk about the actual systems that gave 0:13:02.240 --> 0:13:04.280 me more time back or made me feel like I 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:07.839 had more time and more space without restructuring my whole life. 0:13:08.480 --> 0:13:11.360 All right, guys, so let's let the band aid off. Hey, 0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:13.560 so the real reason why you feel like you have 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:17.160 no time? Now, these are the parts you're not gonna 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.240 love hearing. And we're gonna start with a hard bit, 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:23.520 So buckle up, and I'm calling myself out first with 0:13:23.559 --> 0:13:25.880 these because these are the things I've noticed about myself. 0:13:25.920 --> 0:13:28.520 So before you think Steph's mean, this is just me 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:31.440 calling myself out as well, and you will probably also relate. 0:13:32.480 --> 0:13:35.280 So the first one is you're actually not too busy. 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:39.400 You're just avoiding sitting with yourself, because sitting with yourself 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:41.840 actually means that you have to hear the thoughts that 0:13:41.880 --> 0:13:43.920 you've been running from all day. And I know that's 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:46.320 pretty deep and pretty brutal to start a podcast with, 0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:49.120 but it's true. Usually when there's other things going on 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:51.480 in our lives, we like to keep busy. And I 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:53.839 really related to this a lot when you know my 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:57.040 name and dad passed away. I you know, as much 0:13:57.040 --> 0:13:58.760 as I felt like I couldn't bring myself to even 0:13:58.880 --> 0:14:03.120 like think straight to do work, I was constantly doing 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.839 things because I needed to keep my mind busy because 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:08.920 if I didn't, that was even scarier. You know, you 0:14:09.000 --> 0:14:11.360 hear how people numb out when they're going through things, 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:13.600 like some people will turn to addiction to numb out. 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:17.440 For me, I will numb out by being too busy, 0:14:18.120 --> 0:14:20.720 and then I'll complain about being busy. And it's really 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:23.240 hard to spot us in that cycle because we're so 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:25.720 deep into it, and we're also kind of telling ourselves. 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:28.160 We kind of become martyrs, like I've got to do this, 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:31.120 Like I, you know, I'm allowed to be stressed. I'm 0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:32.680 allowed to be cranky because I'm doing X y Z, 0:14:33.120 --> 0:14:35.040 and that's just not how I want to be. It's 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:38.080 like it's just not what we want. The thing about 0:14:38.080 --> 0:14:41.200 this is you can't outrun yourself forever. That is when 0:14:41.240 --> 0:14:43.520 people do get burnt out and they get chronic disease 0:14:43.560 --> 0:14:46.560 and illness. And I know that sounds intense, but it's true. 0:14:46.840 --> 0:14:49.920 So may I want you to ask yourself? Am I busy? 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:52.960 Or am I running from something? The next brutal truth 0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:54.880 is you can say no. You just don't want to 0:14:54.880 --> 0:14:57.840 deal with the disappointment that comes with it. You rather 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:00.760 be exhausted than be the person to let someone else down, 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:04.000 you know, chronic people pleases. I am horrific for this. 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:08.080 Like I in the past, you know, I've hired people 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:11.240 that maybe weren't the right for the job or whatever, 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:14.880 and instead of asking them to like you know, alter 0:15:14.960 --> 0:15:17.800 their work to do this or have this output, I 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:20.520 will go in and do their work for them, even 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:23.240 I'm paying them to do the job. And it's crazy 0:15:23.360 --> 0:15:27.000 and I will be I'm sure you guys would agree, 0:15:27.040 --> 0:15:30.200 Like you will actually be so insanely busy and then 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:34.360 someone mentions something and then you offer yourself to do 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:36.480 more things and you're like, I don't have the time 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:39.360 to do that, And sadly, with us it's like as 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:42.440 humans we just really want to be liked. We want 0:15:42.440 --> 0:15:44.400 to be liked because if we aren't accepted by the 0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:47.040 tribe when we were cave men, we were going to 0:15:47.080 --> 0:15:49.960 be eaten alive. And now we get eaten alive by 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:53.640 our own guilt and our own worries of people not 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:57.760 liking us enough. So you can say no, But I 0:15:57.800 --> 0:15:59.920 feel like that's just a muscle you need to learn, 0:16:00.000 --> 0:16:02.960 and like it's a muscle you need to use more 0:16:03.120 --> 0:16:06.760 so it gets stronger, because every yes to them is 0:16:07.120 --> 0:16:10.960 a no to yourself. The next truth is you've made 0:16:11.000 --> 0:16:15.160 yourself indispensable because it's easier than asking for help, because 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:17.320 asking for help means trusting someone else to do it. 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:20.720 And again I'm obviously I am the one who has 0:16:20.760 --> 0:16:23.760 done these things, especially with work, even down to like 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:26.800 doing the housework, like with Ryan, because they don't do 0:16:26.800 --> 0:16:29.000 it the way we do it. There's no point but 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:31.640 the end of the day, we need to start delegating. 0:16:31.680 --> 0:16:34.280 We need to stop being martyrs and start asking for help. 0:16:35.280 --> 0:16:38.320 And it's sad because my brain also, I don't automatically 0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:40.640 just think or ask for help. How many times do 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:42.560 you see your friends struggling and we say to them 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.240 like I'm here, Is there anything I can do? And 0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:46.520 of course they always say no, and we just think, 0:16:47.280 --> 0:16:49.080 I wish they would let me. Just let me love you. 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:51.040 That's one thing I say to my friends all the time, 0:16:51.080 --> 0:16:52.960 and if they're listening they'll laugh, is I always would 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:55.240 just say let me love you when they're not letting 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:58.760 me love them and help them. And it's like coming 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.000 from a genuine place and it's not taking the time 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:03.040 out of my day. It's like I can do this, 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:04.879 or I can listen or whatever, but just let me 0:17:04.920 --> 0:17:08.240 love you. And it's like we need to hear us 0:17:08.240 --> 0:17:11.760 say that to ourselves to like are inner child like, 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:14.680 let me love you, let me, let you rest, let 0:17:14.680 --> 0:17:17.520 me you know, get you off the phone, and just 0:17:17.520 --> 0:17:21.320 just being out touch some grass like because you know, 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:26.920 for us, like when doing things yourself feels easier in 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:31.760 the moment, but it's not, it's not. It means that 0:17:31.840 --> 0:17:33.840 you end up doing more things over time and that 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:37.399 compacts and then you know, your pressure cooker, it just 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:40.440 turns up the heat. Another brutal truth is you haven't 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:44.400 actually told anyone, your family or partner or your friends, 0:17:44.560 --> 0:17:48.280 what you actually want. So if you maybe you are delegating, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:50.199 but they're not doing it the way you want, and 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:52.360 you just go and fix it. If you're not communicating 0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:55.000 that with them, that's not helping anyone. They're not learning 0:17:55.000 --> 0:17:58.320 what you like. You're not getting help. You know, we 0:17:58.400 --> 0:18:00.760 need to grow some balls and not be scared to 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.760 say what we want and how we like it. Just 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:06.640 say please and thank you. But you're not asking for it. 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:09.959 The thing is they're not psychic, and you're punishing them 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:12.800 for it, or you're punishing yourself by not telling them. 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:15.400 This is a brutal truth that everyone I know everyone does. 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:18.760 Is you're scrolling for forty five minutes and then wondering 0:18:18.800 --> 0:18:21.880 why you have no time to rest. Yes, for our brain, 0:18:21.960 --> 0:18:24.480 it seems easier because again it's distracting us from the 0:18:24.520 --> 0:18:27.800 things we're avoiding. It's helping us run away. But if 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:31.119 you really want to make time for touching grass or 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:33.960 going to the gym, it is really like about keeping 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:35.879 an audit of where your time is going. And I 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:38.480 know that doesn't seem sexy, but like the list I 0:18:38.560 --> 0:18:41.399 mentioned in last episode of I have this list where 0:18:41.520 --> 0:18:44.360 there's tasks I do every week and the actual like 0:18:45.440 --> 0:18:48.000 the reality of how long that task actually takes me 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:50.919