Speaker 1: Women are carrying seventy percent of the planning, anticipating, and
Speaker 1: monitoring in the household. This is not even just the doing,
Speaker 1: this is the thinking. We're planning, we're anticipating, We're constantly
Speaker 1: just in our head and no wonder we can't switch off.
Speaker 1: You're not bad at time management. You're managing seven people's
Speaker 1: lives on top of your own. You know, when you
Speaker 1: finally sit down at the end of the day, it's
Speaker 1: nighttime and the kids are in bed, and you're just
Speaker 1: like your legs are aching, you're just absolutely exhausted. You
Speaker 1: plunk down on the couch and suddenly you remember you've
Speaker 1: got a load of washing that needs to be put
Speaker 1: in the dryer. You didn't send that email, the kids
Speaker 1: need that permission slip filled in, and you also have
Speaker 1: got to call your best friend back. And then you
Speaker 1: have the other realization that you haven't done one thing
Speaker 1: for yourself today. You haven't even thought about yourself today.
Speaker 1: It's like life has swallowed you whole and you've been
Speaker 1: an autopilot for years now. You're just surviving. You're not
Speaker 1: even living, You're just surviving day to day, going through
Speaker 1: the motions, tick things off, Sadly, this situation is so
Speaker 1: common for every single one of us, but for some reason,
Speaker 1: most of us sit there and think, why me, Why
Speaker 1: am I like this? Why can't I just keep up?
Speaker 1: Why do I always feel behind? And it feels like
Speaker 1: the impossible task? And it is now. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to sit here and tell you I want to wave
Speaker 1: a magic wand and fix this. I wish I could,
Speaker 1: but I can't. And I'm also not going to sit
Speaker 1: here in this episode and say to you just do
Speaker 1: more self care. But what I will say is, somewhere
Speaker 1: along the way, you became the manager of everyone else's life.
Speaker 1: You stopped existing as a person outside of all your
Speaker 1: responsibilities and to do list, and you miss yourself. And
Speaker 1: I'll also say that we can fix that. You can
Speaker 1: fix that. If you've ever sat in your driveway after
Speaker 1: getting back from school drop off and you're sitting in
Speaker 1: the car and it's been about ten minutes and you
Speaker 1: just can't bring yourself to go inside, this is the
Speaker 1: episode for you. I want to tell you the lie
Speaker 1: that we've been sold about rest and the real reason
Speaker 1: that you feel like there is no time, and the
Speaker 1: one shift that changed it for me. Stick with me
Speaker 1: to the end, because not only am I going to
Speaker 1: unpack all of this, and there is going to be
Speaker 1: some very needed brutal honesty in this one as well.
Speaker 1: So hopefully we're still friends by the end. But I'm
Speaker 1: also going to be giving you the reframes and the
Speaker 1: systems that will I can't guarantee give you hours back
Speaker 1: a week, but will make you feel like it. It'll
Speaker 1: make you feel lighter, it will make you feel like
Speaker 1: you can still do the things, but you're present and
Speaker 1: you are able to think of yourself as well and
Speaker 1: have little glimmers of joy throughout your day. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to Stepping Up. I hope you guys are having a
Speaker 1: good weekend, You're having a good week, whatever daytime, hour
Speaker 1: you're listening to this. But before I get into it,
Speaker 1: a bit of a life update. I've had a bloody
Speaker 1: big week, which I feel like is very much in
Speaker 1: theme for today's episode. You know, I had a photo
Speaker 1: shoot on Monday and I just got over a cold.
Speaker 1: There's like, you know, how kids bring home all the
Speaker 1: cold colds. I do feel like though, when the kids
Speaker 1: were in daycare, they brought home way more and that
Speaker 1: was brutal, Like when there was gastro that was horrible.
Speaker 1: That was not a good time, but you know, we
Speaker 1: just got over over, like all of us got a
Speaker 1: little bit sick. And then we had a photo shoot
Speaker 1: for Steph Pace Planners on Monday, which is always at
Speaker 1: my house, and we have so much fun and you'd
Speaker 1: actually be surprised to know that, like smiling just for
Speaker 1: the camera all day is actually exhausting. I could not
Speaker 1: be a model for many reasons. And then you know,
Speaker 1: I'm recording here at nov today, which I love doing,
Speaker 1: but you know it's in Sydney. There's a bit of
Speaker 1: a commute, but low key. I feel like I'm so
Speaker 1: productive on trains. I think it's because I literally can't
Speaker 1: do anything else. And it also kind of helps that
Speaker 1: you don't have the internet for quite a long time
Speaker 1: for my commute anyway. And then you know, the kids
Speaker 1: are doing netball now, and then tomorrow I'm at the
Speaker 1: warehouse and we have a meeting day because I batch
Speaker 1: all of our meetings together because it helps my brain
Speaker 1: stay in that zone. And then I'm not feeling like
Speaker 1: I've been pulled as much, like pulled in all the
Speaker 1: different areas of my life, which again is one of
Speaker 1: my tips later on. Yeah, and it's just been a
Speaker 1: bit crazy. And then the kids have netball and we've
Speaker 1: got like that on Saturday. It's just life. Yeah, like,
Speaker 1: let's all just have you know what you can say,
Speaker 1: you're on a let us pretend this podcast is actually
Speaker 1: like you're on a call to your boss, and we
Speaker 1: can all nap and I won't even talk for the
Speaker 1: rest of the episode. We can all have a little
Speaker 1: nap together. But yeah, life is a lot right now.
Speaker 1: And while I love what I do and I'm super
Speaker 1: passionate about all the things, and I do like to say,
Speaker 1: like I don't know if this is bad or not,
Speaker 1: but I have said before that I'd rather burn out
Speaker 1: from what I love than have no spark at all.
Speaker 1: But it can feel like a lot even when you do.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like your kids, Like you love your
Speaker 1: kids to death, but god, they're exhausting. Sorry Halper and Willow,
Speaker 1: but oh my goodness, like, just give me a minute,
Speaker 1: you know. And my girls they're so intelligent and they
Speaker 1: just ask a lot of questions, which is great. I
Speaker 1: love that they're inquisitive and they're learning about the world.
Speaker 1: But can we be inquisitive between the hours of like
Speaker 1: three to five max. Like, that's a lot. So even
Speaker 1: one of my girls that she asks a lot of questions.
Speaker 1: And for me, especially after like a day of meetings
Speaker 1: and staff, like for me after lunch, I'm corksh I'm
Speaker 1: done for some reason. As soon as I wake up
Speaker 1: in the morning, I'm ready to go. I'm one of
Speaker 1: those annoying people. But after about eleven thirty, I go downhill.
Speaker 1: I decline very fast, very rapidly. Anyway, So one of
Speaker 1: the girls was asking me a lot of questions like
Speaker 1: she usually does because she's so smart, and I was like, honey,
Speaker 1: how about we get you a question book? So I
Speaker 1: gave her an SPP notebook and I got her to
Speaker 1: write her questions in there. And then I said, you know,
Speaker 1: after dinner, howbout we can pick like five together. So
Speaker 1: that became a thing for a little while. But on
Speaker 1: the first day, no joke, she wrote like five pages
Speaker 1: of questions. We have enough for a year at this point.
Speaker 1: Little hack there if you guys need that. And oh,
Speaker 1: I'm also excited to announce we were the proud owners
Speaker 1: of a pet snail. On the weekend, the girls decided
Speaker 1: to keep a snail. And Ryan didn't have any knowledge
Speaker 1: of insect keeping or snail keeping, and I did because
Speaker 1: as a child, I didn't have much to do, so
Speaker 1: I just played with snails. Apparently, we got a little container,
Speaker 1: put some leaves and that in there. Please don't call
Speaker 1: horrors PCA, and we had this pet snail. And one
Speaker 1: of my girls was like stressing out so much about
Speaker 1: this pet snail. She's like like just feeling that like
Speaker 1: the effects of motherhoods, you know. Anyway, so I was
Speaker 1: given snail sitting duties overnight, and let me tell you,
Speaker 1: I was actually quite stressed because the snail was very
Speaker 1: little and there was these holes in the top of
Speaker 1: the container obviously, and I was also scared I was
Speaker 1: going to get out and then I was going to
Speaker 1: be in big trouble. But anyway, I'm excited to announce
Speaker 1: the snail has been released back into the wild, Thank
Speaker 1: goodness for everybody. And I caught myself thinking, like, you know,
Speaker 1: I nearly said to her, which I did, and I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I caught myself thinking, like, you
Speaker 1: know about my girls, saying like, thinking, you're stressing about
Speaker 1: something so small like this snail. You're stressing so much
Speaker 1: about this bloody snail that not going to care about
Speaker 1: in five minutes. But then I realized I do the
Speaker 1: exact same thing, not about a pet snail, but about
Speaker 1: day to day things like that email, like, oh it
Speaker 1: just my friend thing. I hate it because I haven't
Speaker 1: wrote to her for ages things like that, And you know,
Speaker 1: who am I to sit there and tell my daughter
Speaker 1: not to stress about a pet snail when I'm stressing
Speaker 1: about every possible little inconvenience in my life as well.
Speaker 1: So that was a bit of a wake up call
Speaker 1: for me, and I've just really been wanting to get
Speaker 1: you know, instead of stressing about this small things and
Speaker 1: snail sitting, I wanted to try and be a bit
Speaker 1: more present that weekend. So on the weekend I went
Speaker 1: to Target and Kmart. I like, I really, as you
Speaker 1: guys know if you followed me for a while, I
Speaker 1: love pottering around the house. I love organizing little spaces
Speaker 1: and cleaning. And I'm not saying I do this all day,
Speaker 1: but it just makes me feel really present and calm,
Speaker 1: maybe because I'm doing things externally and you can see
Speaker 1: the result, you know, Like I'm sure you guys would
Speaker 1: understand that you know when you're sending emails off and
Speaker 1: you get to the any your inbox and then you
Speaker 1: get a new one and you don't actually see like
Speaker 1: you just feel like you're sending things off into space
Speaker 1: and you don't get to see the results. So for me,
Speaker 1: you know, being able to see visually, you know, me
Speaker 1: organizing a space and that it gives me a lot
Speaker 1: of happiness. It's exciting to fold linen and sheets apparently,
Speaker 1: so I've been doing that and I can tell you guys,
Speaker 1: our target and Kmart are doing really well at the moment.
Speaker 1: There's some really nice things there, so maybe go over
Speaker 1: and have a look. I'm probably bad influence. But before
Speaker 1: I get into today's episode, I'm so excited to say
Speaker 1: the hot mess hot line is back, and as you
Speaker 1: guys know this, these episodes went really really well last season.
Speaker 1: So send in your messy situations, your questions, anything like
Speaker 1: if you need me to organize the overwhelm for you,
Speaker 1: and I am your woman, So send them in. Send
Speaker 1: your submissions in in the link in the show notes,
Speaker 1: and I will tackle them one by one. So today
Speaker 1: we're talking about how to make time for yourself when
Speaker 1: you already feel like you're drowning, and I'm going to
Speaker 1: make this nice and a shorter episode. I say that,
Speaker 1: but then it never happens, because chances are if you're
Speaker 1: listening to this, obviously you're drowning, like you need help.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to just be really honest, sometimes too
Speaker 1: brutally honest, but I'm hoping this is the wake up
Speaker 1: call that you need. And I remember seeing online once
Speaker 1: and I've mentioned this before, but there was a quote
Speaker 1: and it said, I don't want to be remembered as
Speaker 1: the woman who was always exhausted. And that's how it's
Speaker 1: so easy to feel chronically exhausted with the expectations we
Speaker 1: place on ourselves but also society. You know, I was
Speaker 1: seeing you the other day. You know the kids school
Speaker 1: have so many events on, which is fantastic, but you know,
Speaker 1: I work for myself, but like have all the parents
Speaker 1: that you know who can't get there, and like you know,
Speaker 1: you physically can't leave because it's like your work and
Speaker 1: things like that, that there's all these extra expectations now,
Speaker 1: like you're expected to work full time but act like
Speaker 1: you don't even have kids, but then you're supposed to
Speaker 1: a parent like you solely have kids and don't have
Speaker 1: a job, like it's actually impossible. And you know, like
Speaker 1: I've said for so long that life can just feel
Speaker 1: like a pressure cooker at the best of times, and
Speaker 1: you just like it's like you're waiting for the pressure
Speaker 1: to get too much, and then somehow you still manage
Speaker 1: and you still keep going through and through, and you're
Speaker 1: just constantly thinking like, oh, this life has to settle down,
Speaker 1: it has to settle down. And then next minute you
Speaker 1: look back and it's been like eight years, Like even
Speaker 1: thinking back to when Harper was little, that was ten
Speaker 1: years ago, and it's like, I don't want to keep
Speaker 1: doing this. I don't want to keep going through the
Speaker 1: emotions and not you know, being present and taking time
Speaker 1: for myself. And the thing is we need to learn
Speaker 1: that if we don't learn how to take time for
Speaker 1: ourselves now, we never will, which is scary, but it's
Speaker 1: the truth, and I'm going to help you. You know.
Speaker 1: It's like I saw that meme on Facebook and it
Speaker 1: said adult friendship is really just shooting off text like yes, hello,
Speaker 1: I'm not dead yet, can I arrange to see you
Speaker 1: in four to six weeks? And that's it. It's like
Speaker 1: you all the things that bring you joy, like seeing
Speaker 1: your friends, all of that gets pushed aside and then
Speaker 1: you think, oh, yeah, we'll catch up and you maybe
Speaker 1: see each other once a year, and same thing goes
Speaker 1: for health. We don't feel like we have enough time
Speaker 1: to even be healthy or organize our home or potter
Speaker 1: around the house. And that's really sad. And the problem
Speaker 1: isn't laziness. It's the fact that we're in survival mode
Speaker 1: and our systems aren't set up for us. And I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be honest with you, I feel like the way
Speaker 1: a lot of the things in the world are set
Speaker 1: up is just basically a scam. And I'm not a
Speaker 1: like a conspiracy theorist. I'm just thinking, like how we're
Speaker 1: meant to like it's actually not possible, and there's not
Speaker 1: enough time in the day to be doing all the things.
Speaker 1: And this is where we need to really sit down
Speaker 1: with our planners and like reassess where is our time going.
Speaker 1: Like honestly, you might think, oh, I haven't got time
Speaker 1: to go to the gym, but maybe you're scrolling for
Speaker 1: hours in the afternoon like most of us. But you
Speaker 1: just need to be really brutally honest with yourself. So
Speaker 1: what does drowning or being swallowed whole by your life
Speaker 1: actually look like? Now? I want to tell you what
Speaker 1: it looks like. For me. It's been me hiding in
Speaker 1: the pantry just to get some pece and quiet, and
Speaker 1: a lot of sitting in my driveway because you can't
Speaker 1: bring yourself to walk inside yet because it's just like
Speaker 1: a moment of just nothing. It's like this solitude that
Speaker 1: just feels so it's like therapy. It's scrolling because your
Speaker 1: brain is just too overstimulated to even choose rest, to
Speaker 1: even have space to just do nothing. And it's also
Speaker 1: treating basic needs like honestly water, food and peain like rewards.
Speaker 1: And it even gets that bad that you start to
Speaker 1: feel resentful to anyone else that gets rest, and that's
Speaker 1: not good, you know. And it's filled with lies that
Speaker 1: we tell ourselves like after this week, I'll slow down,
Speaker 1: or when life settles down, I'll be okay, but it
Speaker 1: never happens. So if you're nodding to any of these things,
Speaker 1: this is going to be the wake up call you need.
Speaker 1: And make sure you stay to the end, because it
Speaker 1: not only am I going to be unpacking, you know,
Speaker 1: the lie that we've been sold about rest in life.
Speaker 1: But you know the real reasons why you feel like
Speaker 1: that you don't have any time? And that's going to
Speaker 1: be broken into two parts, the bits that you won't
Speaker 1: love hearing and the bits that will make you feel
Speaker 1: very seen. So we're going to rip the bandaid off first,
Speaker 1: and then I want to be talking about the shift
Speaker 1: that changed everything from me, and then at the end,
Speaker 1: I want to talk about the actual systems that gave
Speaker 1: me more time back or made me feel like I
Speaker 1: had more time and more space without restructuring my whole life.
Speaker 1: All right, guys, so let's let the band aid off. Hey,
Speaker 1: so the real reason why you feel like you have
Speaker 1: no time? Now, these are the parts you're not gonna
Speaker 1: love hearing. And we're gonna start with a hard bit,
Speaker 1: So buckle up, and I'm calling myself out first with
Speaker 1: these because these are the things I've noticed about myself.
Speaker 1: So before you think Steph's mean, this is just me
Speaker 1: calling myself out as well, and you will probably also relate.
Speaker 1: So the first one is you're actually not too busy.
Speaker 1: You're just avoiding sitting with yourself, because sitting with yourself
Speaker 1: actually means that you have to hear the thoughts that
Speaker 1: you've been running from all day. And I know that's
Speaker 1: pretty deep and pretty brutal to start a podcast with,
Speaker 1: but it's true. Usually when there's other things going on
Speaker 1: in our lives, we like to keep busy. And I
Speaker 1: really related to this a lot when you know my
Speaker 1: name and dad passed away. I you know, as much
Speaker 1: as I felt like I couldn't bring myself to even
Speaker 1: like think straight to do work, I was constantly doing
Speaker 1: things because I needed to keep my mind busy because
Speaker 1: if I didn't, that was even scarier. You know, you
Speaker 1: hear how people numb out when they're going through things,
Speaker 1: like some people will turn to addiction to numb out.
Speaker 1: For me, I will numb out by being too busy,
Speaker 1: and then I'll complain about being busy. And it's really
Speaker 1: hard to spot us in that cycle because we're so
Speaker 1: deep into it, and we're also kind of telling ourselves.
Speaker 1: We kind of become martyrs, like I've got to do this,
Speaker 1: Like I, you know, I'm allowed to be stressed. I'm
Speaker 1: allowed to be cranky because I'm doing X y Z,
Speaker 1: and that's just not how I want to be. It's
Speaker 1: like it's just not what we want. The thing about
Speaker 1: this is you can't outrun yourself forever. That is when
Speaker 1: people do get burnt out and they get chronic disease
Speaker 1: and illness. And I know that sounds intense, but it's true.
Speaker 1: So may I want you to ask yourself? Am I busy?
Speaker 1: Or am I running from something? The next brutal truth
Speaker 1: is you can say no. You just don't want to
Speaker 1: deal with the disappointment that comes with it. You rather
Speaker 1: be exhausted than be the person to let someone else down,
Speaker 1: you know, chronic people pleases. I am horrific for this.
Speaker 1: Like I in the past, you know, I've hired people
Speaker 1: that maybe weren't the right for the job or whatever,
Speaker 1: and instead of asking them to like you know, alter
Speaker 1: their work to do this or have this output, I
Speaker 1: will go in and do their work for them, even
Speaker 1: I'm paying them to do the job. And it's crazy
Speaker 1: and I will be I'm sure you guys would agree,
Speaker 1: Like you will actually be so insanely busy and then
Speaker 1: someone mentions something and then you offer yourself to do
Speaker 1: more things and you're like, I don't have the time
Speaker 1: to do that, And sadly, with us it's like as
Speaker 1: humans we just really want to be liked. We want
Speaker 1: to be liked because if we aren't accepted by the
Speaker 1: tribe when we were cave men, we were going to
Speaker 1: be eaten alive. And now we get eaten alive by
Speaker 1: our own guilt and our own worries of people not
Speaker 1: liking us enough. So you can say no, But I
Speaker 1: feel like that's just a muscle you need to learn,
Speaker 1: and like it's a muscle you need to use more
Speaker 1: so it gets stronger, because every yes to them is
Speaker 1: a no to yourself. The next truth is you've made
Speaker 1: yourself indispensable because it's easier than asking for help, because
Speaker 1: asking for help means trusting someone else to do it.
Speaker 1: And again I'm obviously I am the one who has
Speaker 1: done these things, especially with work, even down to like
Speaker 1: doing the housework, like with Ryan, because they don't do
Speaker 1: it the way we do it. There's no point but
Speaker 1: the end of the day, we need to start delegating.
Speaker 1: We need to stop being martyrs and start asking for help.
Speaker 1: And it's sad because my brain also, I don't automatically
Speaker 1: just think or ask for help. How many times do
Speaker 1: you see your friends struggling and we say to them
Speaker 1: like I'm here, Is there anything I can do? And
Speaker 1: of course they always say no, and we just think,
Speaker 1: I wish they would let me. Just let me love you.
Speaker 1: That's one thing I say to my friends all the time,
Speaker 1: and if they're listening they'll laugh, is I always would
Speaker 1: just say let me love you when they're not letting
Speaker 1: me love them and help them. And it's like coming
Speaker 1: from a genuine place and it's not taking the time
Speaker 1: out of my day. It's like I can do this,
Speaker 1: or I can listen or whatever, but just let me
Speaker 1: love you. And it's like we need to hear us
Speaker 1: say that to ourselves to like are inner child like,
Speaker 1: let me love you, let me, let you rest, let
Speaker 1: me you know, get you off the phone, and just
Speaker 1: just being out touch some grass like because you know,
Speaker 1: for us, like when doing things yourself feels easier in
Speaker 1: the moment, but it's not, it's not. It means that
Speaker 1: you end up doing more things over time and that
Speaker 1: compacts and then you know, your pressure cooker, it just
Speaker 1: turns up the heat. Another brutal truth is you haven't
Speaker 1: actually told anyone, your family or partner or your friends,
Speaker 1: what you actually want. So if you maybe you are delegating,
Speaker 1: but they're not doing it the way you want, and
Speaker 1: you just go and fix it. If you're not communicating
Speaker 1: that with them, that's not helping anyone. They're not learning
Speaker 1: what you like. You're not getting help. You know, we
Speaker 1: need to grow some balls and not be scared to
Speaker 1: say what we want and how we like it. Just
Speaker 1: say please and thank you. But you're not asking for it.
Speaker 1: The thing is they're not psychic, and you're punishing them
Speaker 1: for it, or you're punishing yourself by not telling them.
Speaker 1: This is a brutal truth that everyone I know everyone does.
Speaker 1: Is you're scrolling for forty five minutes and then wondering
Speaker 1: why you have no time to rest. Yes, for our brain,
Speaker 1: it seems easier because again it's distracting us from the
Speaker 1: things we're avoiding. It's helping us run away. But if
Speaker 1: you really want to make time for touching grass or
Speaker 1: going to the gym, it is really like about keeping
Speaker 1: an audit of where your time is going. And I
Speaker 1: know that doesn't seem sexy, but like the list I
Speaker 1: mentioned in last episode of I have this list where
Speaker 1: there's tasks I do every week and the actual like
Speaker 1: the reality of how long that task actually takes me
Speaker 1: because again time blindness. It's the same for this, like
Speaker 1: where is your time being sucked away? Now? These two
Speaker 1: last ones are very much me calling myself out And
Speaker 1: it took me thirty something years to realize this, that
Speaker 1: I was thinking I was a hero when I wasn't.
Speaker 1: And it's you're addicted to being needed because being needed
Speaker 1: makes you feel valuable. Yeah, that one's stung, didn't it. Oh?
Speaker 1: Because no one has ever told you that you are
Speaker 1: valuable for just existing, that you're worthy because you exist,
Speaker 1: and that's it. So you became useful. You became indispensable,
Speaker 1: the one who holds it all together, the one that's needed.
Speaker 1: And that's a bloody hard thing to unlearn. And that's
Speaker 1: something I'm still unlearning. And that ties into my next one.
Speaker 1: As you wear busy like a badge, you attach your
Speaker 1: worth to your titles. Because we live in a world
Speaker 1: that only rewards their output the harder you work. Like
Speaker 1: how like our parents' generation that was huge, like I,
Speaker 1: they only have a knew working nine Tel five And
Speaker 1: now we have this whole other world where there's the
Speaker 1: Internet and you can the mom who's breastfeeding a baby
Speaker 1: at home who can't physically go into her workplace can
Speaker 1: make money other ways. That's how this all started. Guys.
Speaker 1: I just had Harper and I was going a bit
Speaker 1: crazy and I just wanted to connect to other mums.
Speaker 1: And here we are now I'm in overrecording this podcast.
Speaker 1: Like there's other ways, Like it's not black and white.
Speaker 1: Life is not black and white. And for me, I know,
Speaker 1: if I'm not making something or doing something, then like
Speaker 1: what am I worth? That? Isn't that such a sad
Speaker 1: way to think about yourself? And the thing is just
Speaker 1: so you know, like you're worth a lot by even
Speaker 1: when you're doing nothing. But you weren't taught that, and
Speaker 1: you've made busy your whole personality. And I know I
Speaker 1: do that. I do that. I did it yesterday. I
Speaker 1: remember I talked to my friend and I was like,
Speaker 1: blah blah, so busy. But I heard myself and I'm
Speaker 1: like Steph, p we head in mate. And you know,
Speaker 1: for you, like if you take away your titles, your roles,
Speaker 1: your to do list, if you genuinely don't know what
Speaker 1: you do or who you are, that's where you know
Speaker 1: you need to start really looking inward and realizing you
Speaker 1: have all these external attachments and validations that we need
Speaker 1: to address. Now. I know, I know that was confronting.
Speaker 1: I hope you still love me, and because I love you,
Speaker 1: and I'm here just to just to give you the
Speaker 1: hard truths, because this next part is these are the
Speaker 1: the other truths, but these are the ones that are
Speaker 1: going to make you feel really seen. So we've done
Speaker 1: the hard part and now these are the ones that
Speaker 1: you're just going to make. It makes you realize that, okay,
Speaker 1: that's fair, and everyone else feels like this too. So
Speaker 1: the first one is you're not just doing the task,
Speaker 1: you're tracking them, anticipating them, remembering them for everyone. So
Speaker 1: how about like I remember I did a post on
Speaker 1: Instagram last week and it was like each slide I
Speaker 1: showed a task that I had been putting off, so
Speaker 1: I put the time I've been avoiding it, and then
Speaker 1: the time it took me to do the task. So
Speaker 1: one of them was I think it was oh, clean
Speaker 1: the gift draw so like our party draw. It was
Speaker 1: like everywhere I'd been wanting to do that for six months,
Speaker 1: and every time I'd open the drawer, I'd look at
Speaker 1: it and be like, I need to do that I
Speaker 1: need to do that, so I'm taking up all this
Speaker 1: mental space. And that was just six months. And the
Speaker 1: time it took me to clean the party draw it
Speaker 1: was five minutes. Do you see how every task has
Speaker 1: something attached to it. It's got your mental load, it's
Speaker 1: got like time, it's got so many things. It's got
Speaker 1: shame attached to it, just like the dirty dishes. It's
Speaker 1: not just dirty dishes, it's the thought process around it,
Speaker 1: knowing like you feel shame because you haven't done them.
Speaker 1: You feel anxious because your house is messy, like everything
Speaker 1: has a price and a weight with it, because when
Speaker 1: you think about you know how the household is run.
Speaker 1: For example, the bins. Anyone can put the bins out,
Speaker 1: but not everyone remembers when it is bin night, or
Speaker 1: notices when the bin's full, or sees the recycling needs
Speaker 1: to go in this week's not next week's. And that's
Speaker 1: the second layer of this, and it's exhausting. It's something
Speaker 1: that nobody sees. The next truth is you were raised
Speaker 1: to put everyone else first, and you didn't realize you
Speaker 1: were allowed to opt out, and we absorbed it through
Speaker 1: every movie, like every ad, every comment about being a
Speaker 1: good girl, and you see the mom and she's like,
Speaker 1: just remember every even like Malcolm in the Middle, why
Speaker 1: do you think the mum's always yelling, no one listens
Speaker 1: to her, and she's doing everything and the dad's usually
Speaker 1: on the couch. And I'm not trying to be sexist,
Speaker 1: by the way, Like it's not like this everywhere and
Speaker 1: anything like that, but it's how we were raised and
Speaker 1: that's what we thought we had to do to be normal,
Speaker 1: to be acceptable, and if you're not, if you're the
Speaker 1: working mum, you get shamed or if you like you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And it's just the way we
Speaker 1: were raised. And it's just it's programmed just to feel
Speaker 1: like we have to be a martyr, that we have
Speaker 1: to be busy, that we have to numb out by
Speaker 1: doing all the things we were raised to think that
Speaker 1: good women are selfless. That's not right. The next truth
Speaker 1: is the world is genuinely set up against you doing
Speaker 1: this alone. The costs of childcare are insane. The mental
Speaker 1: load defaults to the mum every single time, and you're like,
Speaker 1: people are working second shifts after work to pay. Like
Speaker 1: it's not just you, it's a system that's inside of you.
Speaker 1: Like just the prices of everything I've gone up, like
Speaker 1: I honestly, guys, and I'm very aware that, you know,
Speaker 1: there's people who are really struggling and things like that.
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about this saying like poor me
Speaker 1: at all, like I'm saying that at all. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying that, you know, like I went and bought a
Speaker 1: freaking happy meal for the kids the other day and
Speaker 1: they were seventeen dollars each. And another hard truth is
Speaker 1: you don't have a village. You have a friend who
Speaker 1: lives in a different state, maybe you have you know,
Speaker 1: your parents, like one sick and the other one you
Speaker 1: don't see very often. You know, you have a million
Speaker 1: emails to keep up with, like you don't have like
Speaker 1: pretty much all your contact with people is online. And
Speaker 1: we don't have that physical village around us to help.
Speaker 1: And we're also again we've been trained to not ask
Speaker 1: for help. And it's just it's a lose lose situation
Speaker 1: here and it can feel so so isolating. And just
Speaker 1: to really solidify this feeling for you, guys, there was
Speaker 1: a research done on cognitive household labor and women are
Speaker 1: carrying seventy percent of the planning anticipating and monitoring in
Speaker 1: the household. And this is not just this is not
Speaker 1: even just the doing. This is the thinking. And that's
Speaker 1: the thing is like we're planning, we're anticipating, We're constantly
Speaker 1: just in our head and no wonder we can't switch off,
Speaker 1: you know at the end of the day with this
Speaker 1: whole time thing and feeling like you don't have time
Speaker 1: for yourself, is that you're not bad at time management.
Speaker 1: You're managing seven people's lives on top of your own.
Speaker 1: Like that's that's that's a losing battle and you're not failing.
Speaker 1: You're doing what used to take six women, and you're
Speaker 1: doing them on your own. Plus there's extra things on top. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I've shared the truths, the hard ones, and the
Speaker 1: ones that hopefully make you feel more seen and understood
Speaker 1: as well. And now I want to be talking about
Speaker 1: the shift that changed everything for me. Now. The first,
Speaker 1: the biggest shift for me that really really helped is
Speaker 1: there's two things and you might you guys might have
Speaker 1: heard me say these before, but their urgency is not
Speaker 1: my emergency. It's very easy for our nervous systems now
Speaker 1: to think every email, every deadline is like a matter
Speaker 1: of life and death, and it's pretty sad. And there
Speaker 1: was also studies done that every time your phone, not
Speaker 1: for cation goes off, your cortsol goes off, like it
Speaker 1: goes off the scale, and you know, it really does
Speaker 1: keep us addictive because it does hit our dopamine, but
Speaker 1: it does really like wreck havoc on our nervous system.
Speaker 1: Another saying that really helped me kind of like remove
Speaker 1: myself from a stressful situation or just like day to
Speaker 1: day life is is like, so say something stressful happens
Speaker 1: at work or at home and everyone's losing their mind.
Speaker 1: I like to say, we're not saving lives. Unless you're
Speaker 1: a doctor, you're not saving lives. I by me getting
Speaker 1: this email and this email marketing thing out and getting
Speaker 1: it done by five pm, and it's stressing me the
Speaker 1: hell out. I'm not saving a life doing this. I'm
Speaker 1: saving their time because I'm trying to help them with planners,
Speaker 1: but I'm not saving lives. And that really does pull
Speaker 1: you back out to be objective because think about how
Speaker 1: many times you've been in situations and you've been stressed
Speaker 1: and it's for nothing, you know, And it's like I
Speaker 1: went to a health Redge three years ago and there
Speaker 1: was no internet, no phone, and I was so calm.
Speaker 1: I was like, who is this step Who is this
Speaker 1: calm woman who doesn't get rattled? And it's because I
Speaker 1: was removed from like the internet and you know, and
Speaker 1: it made me realize, like why am I rushing through
Speaker 1: my life? Why am I rushing? Like even think about
Speaker 1: when you brush your teeth, I bet you you were
Speaker 1: rushing that, and why it's it's still the same time frame.
Speaker 1: You're supposed to brush your teeth for two minutes, just
Speaker 1: so you know, but we act like we're rushing. So
Speaker 1: just kind of like checking in with your body a
Speaker 1: few times throughout the day just to be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: am I rushing right now? Do I need to be rushing? No?
Speaker 1: And I noticed too even with my kids, if I
Speaker 1: try to rush them in the morning, they will like
Speaker 1: resist even harder. As soon as I kind of act
Speaker 1: like we're not in a rush, they'll do the things.
Speaker 1: So I was just pouring gasoline on the fire because
Speaker 1: then I'm also making them stressed and then they can't
Speaker 1: think straight either. I also I realized that my value
Speaker 1: isn't based on my output, which is obviously kind of
Speaker 1: something that I mentioned earlier, but when you realize that
Speaker 1: rest and doing nothing is actually probably more productive than
Speaker 1: for you right now than anything else, because if you're
Speaker 1: resting and taking space, you're going to have energy to
Speaker 1: do your tasks more efficiently and effectively, which means that's
Speaker 1: going to be saving you time. You're also going to
Speaker 1: be in a better mood, which also makes your parent
Speaker 1: better and you have more patience for your kids. That's
Speaker 1: more effective than you pushing through and burning out and
Speaker 1: doing a shitty job. And that really sat with me
Speaker 1: because when I started actually turning my phone on silent
Speaker 1: and I turned my email notifications off and saying no more,
Speaker 1: I was able to shop as a better friend, as
Speaker 1: a better wife, as a better mum, and also just
Speaker 1: reminding yourself, Like for me, my bigger shift is I
Speaker 1: don't have to earn my right to exist. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what's happened in the past. And you know, things
Speaker 1: in childhood can really make us feel like this. You
Speaker 1: never felt enough, like you would never amount to anything.
Speaker 1: But you don't have to earn your right to exist
Speaker 1: to be loved to be enough. You earn that right
Speaker 1: just by being here right now and running on empty
Speaker 1: is not going to make you better at anything. This
Speaker 1: leads me into my next part. We tend to overcomplicate things,
Speaker 1: like just how we rush things for no reason. Apparently
Speaker 1: we also over complicate everything. Think about a time where
Speaker 1: you've maybe been stuck, maybe you're not seeing clearly, and
Speaker 1: someone then says something so obvious. It's like, like, let's pretend.
Speaker 1: Let's just make up a scenario. You're outside and it's raining,
Speaker 1: you're getting saturated, and you're like, what should I do?
Speaker 1: There's no trees around, and then someone walks up and says,
Speaker 1: why don't you use the umbrella that's in your back?
Speaker 1: And you're like, oh, you know. Like we over complicate things,
Speaker 1: and that's because when we're so in our head, we
Speaker 1: can't see clearly, and we over complicate rest a lot
Speaker 1: of people. Like think about like maybe when it's a
Speaker 1: new year and you're trying to get healthy, and instead
Speaker 1: of you just being like, oh, I'll just you know,
Speaker 1: eat better, or I'll drink more water, we try and
Speaker 1: read like restructure our whole life. We want to turn
Speaker 1: into a different person, and then we never start it
Speaker 1: because we've overcomplicated it so much that it's too overwhelming
Speaker 1: to even begin. It's the same with rest. You don't
Speaker 1: have to go and like to rest. You don't have
Speaker 1: to go and like get offline for a whole day,
Speaker 1: or you don't have to you know, completely abandon all
Speaker 1: your responsibilities. It can literally be something so so minor.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be a two hour nap or
Speaker 1: doing absolutely nothing for hours, or even having a bubble
Speaker 1: bath or meditating. Rest can also be doing things like creating.
Speaker 1: Like for me, I actually because I am naturally, you know,
Speaker 1: a bit of a messy mind. I really feel rested
Speaker 1: after I've done things like paint by numbers or I'm
Speaker 1: playing guitar, whereas I'm still doing something, I'm moving my body,
Speaker 1: but it's resting my brain. And there is actually seven
Speaker 1: different types of rest, which I'm sure you might have seen.
Speaker 1: There's physical rest, which is like sleeping, lying down. There's
Speaker 1: mental rest, which is silence and no decisions, and also
Speaker 1: can be things like again giving your brain a break,
Speaker 1: so painting, playing guitar. There's emotional rest, so you know,
Speaker 1: talking it out, crying, like actually getting it out. Spiritual rest,
Speaker 1: which is having connection, like you know, you know, taking
Speaker 1: part in something greater than you social, which could also
Speaker 1: be like having time alone or also being social with
Speaker 1: people that you feel safe around. There's sensory, so having
Speaker 1: no screens, no noises, all that stuff. And then there's creative,
Speaker 1: which you know is making things, going out in nature,
Speaker 1: seeing the beauty and things. So they're the different types
Speaker 1: of rest. So rest can also look like gardening a
Speaker 1: solo walk with like listening to a podcast or listening
Speaker 1: to nothing. It can even be folding your washing in silence,
Speaker 1: or folding your washing watching your favorite show like it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be harder than what you think it is.
Speaker 1: And one hack I love to do for me is
Speaker 1: trying to get pockets of time or trying to get
Speaker 1: meantime while I'm still having to do the non negotiables.
Speaker 1: So one example of this is when I go grocery shopping,
Speaker 1: I like to listen to a podcast or I will
Speaker 1: listen to literally Disney music, which I was doing on
Speaker 1: the train on the way here. So when you can't,
Speaker 1: when you physically can't make time to rest, figure out
Speaker 1: a way that you can stack it with what you're
Speaker 1: doing already, and it's finding like the little joys in life.
Speaker 1: So like for me, Also, like when I'm having to
Speaker 1: do tasks or admin, I will always light a candle
Speaker 1: at my desk because it makes me feel like I'm
Speaker 1: romanticizing my life. Because romanticizing your life is the best
Speaker 1: way to honestly feel like you're taking time for yourself
Speaker 1: when you're doing the things. So for me again, on
Speaker 1: the train here this morning to sit near technically I'm commuting,
Speaker 1: but I was also listening to a podcast. I was
Speaker 1: listening to the Disney music and like, you just take
Speaker 1: time doing the things as well. And you know, after this, I, yes,
Speaker 1: should probably rush home and go back to work, but
Speaker 1: you know what I want to do walk through Mecca
Speaker 1: and look, just wander the aisles for fifteen minutes and
Speaker 1: not buy anything. But it's going to make me feel
Speaker 1: like I'm taking time for myself. So yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: laying down and resting or meditating, but I'm still taking
Speaker 1: time for myself. And I'm busy. So while you're feeling
Speaker 1: like you're probably burnt out, you're probably not tied in
Speaker 1: the way that you think you are. You're depleted in
Speaker 1: a certain category, in a certain area of rest. So
Speaker 1: for me, my biggest areas of rest that I need
Speaker 1: are definitely physical, but are absolutely mental. For me. Mental
Speaker 1: and sensory are big ones, and if I'm not doing
Speaker 1: enough of those, I feel very much like I need
Speaker 1: to isolate myself. I briefly mentioned having those micro moments
Speaker 1: to take time for yourself, but there are some other
Speaker 1: ones that you might not even think of, and that's
Speaker 1: taking sixty seconds when the kettle's boiling, like don't reach
Speaker 1: for your phone, just be or have music playing. I
Speaker 1: always love having music playing at home. One thing I
Speaker 1: love is pop on YouTube and search in ambience and
Speaker 1: it has these beautiful like scenes and music playing and
Speaker 1: it's like usually like looks like you're in like a
Speaker 1: little cottage and there's like candles and it's just I
Speaker 1: love it. It's so nice. Another is sitting in the
Speaker 1: school pickup line ten minutes early on purpose and a
Speaker 1: lot of Actually I love to go and read it
Speaker 1: to see if there's anything funny or anything interesting in
Speaker 1: terms of like hacks and things as a woman. There
Speaker 1: was a woman that wrote on a Reddit forum that
Speaker 1: she would go grocery shopping, but she would drive to
Speaker 1: the furthest wool worse just so she has extra time
Speaker 1: to herself. You know, there was even people in there
Speaker 1: saying that they had they booked a doctor's appointment and
Speaker 1: they didn't, and they were just like sitting in the
Speaker 1: car just to themselves. And isn't it sad that we've
Speaker 1: gotten to this point that we have to book fake
Speaker 1: doctor's appointments. Yeah, but do it, but it's it's sad,
Speaker 1: and it makes you realize it's not just you. Another
Speaker 1: micro moment you might not think of is like eating breakfast,
Speaker 1: but not trying to multitask. Multitasking is just not great
Speaker 1: for us, and we all tend to do it. But
Speaker 1: if you can just try and solely focus on that
Speaker 1: one thing you're doing, you will do it better. But
Speaker 1: you're not going to feel so overloaded. So a little
Speaker 1: hack and one thing I want you to do with
Speaker 1: this is I want you to just pick one moment
Speaker 1: in your existing routine and the same moment every day,
Speaker 1: and that's going to be your anchor. So it could
Speaker 1: be brushing your teeth, and this is the moment where
Speaker 1: I want you just to slow down. I want you
Speaker 1: to slow down, you know, romanticize this moment if you like,
Speaker 1: and just take a second. You know, we need to
Speaker 1: stop waiting for our day off or for that holiday
Speaker 1: to actually just take a breath, and you need to
Speaker 1: see that, you know, the mundane is your life. This
Speaker 1: is your life now. And if you don't start either
Speaker 1: seeing it differently or taking pockets of rest and also
Speaker 1: living by a different narrative that you don't have to
Speaker 1: earn your right to be here, that's when you are
Speaker 1: going to feel like you've got more time for yourself,
Speaker 1: you know, start saying no more, you know, leave more
Speaker 1: white space in your planner. You don't have to go
Speaker 1: to every like P and C meeting. You don't have
Speaker 1: to always be the person that goes above and beyond
Speaker 1: for everyone. You're allowed to do that for yourself as well. Now,
Speaker 1: some systems that I use that have really helped me,
Speaker 1: you know, allow me to have more time for myself,
Speaker 1: but also just really ease the mental load is automating
Speaker 1: as much as I possibly can. Now for me, this
Speaker 1: looks like on Amazon you can actually like have things
Speaker 1: as subscriptions. So for me, I do makeup wipes, I
Speaker 1: do paper tower, I do I think my moisturizer, like
Speaker 1: so many different things, and you can set how often
Speaker 1: you get them because that's less things I have to remember,
Speaker 1: and again, doing things like having the same dinners every week,
Speaker 1: anything that you can automate and just make it fit
Speaker 1: into your life and tick away. That's what you want
Speaker 1: to do. You want to do like you auto pay
Speaker 1: your bills, do all of that, and I know it's
Speaker 1: a bit of a setup, as soon as you've done it,
Speaker 1: it will really just help ease the mental load. Another
Speaker 1: big thing is batching. So with our brain, you know,
Speaker 1: there's different types of tasks in day to day life.
Speaker 1: There's more you know, admins, so you're on the more
Speaker 1: logical side of your brain, and then there's creative and
Speaker 1: then there's things like cleaning and all these different task types.
Speaker 1: When you switch your brain takes thirty minutes. So if
Speaker 1: you're doing something that you use more of your left
Speaker 1: side of your brain, and then you're constantly switching to
Speaker 1: the right side. And it's like every time you're being interrupted,
Speaker 1: which could be an email or your kid because maybe
Speaker 1: you didn't get up a little bit earlier to get
Speaker 1: your emails done, you're switching. So you can really ease
Speaker 1: the amount of effort you're taking and the mental load
Speaker 1: just by batching. So for me, again, like on Thursdays tomorrow,
Speaker 1: I do all of our meetings in one day, and yes,
Speaker 1: I'm absolutely cooked by the end of it, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to talk. But I've done it and I
Speaker 1: don't have to constantly switch in my brain. You know,
Speaker 1: cook double the amount of a dinner one night, and
Speaker 1: you're gonna have it for leftovers for another couple of nights. Like,
Speaker 1: just work smarter, not harder. My Mondays are my planning
Speaker 1: at admin days, and also the days I clean our bedrooms,
Speaker 1: and then Tuesdays is content and the days I do
Speaker 1: our bathroom. So you see where I'm going. Like I
Speaker 1: always batch things because it's just less thinking. I've got
Speaker 1: so many more automations I could run through, which I'll
Speaker 1: do a whole other episode on. But just look at
Speaker 1: your life and audit it like it's external that there's
Speaker 1: no emotional attachment to it. So if you know your
Speaker 1: afternoon's always stressful, why why are they stressful? How can
Speaker 1: you make it easier for yourself? So now you know
Speaker 1: you're not alone and you can change things from right now.
Speaker 1: Even if externally you still have to go to work,
Speaker 1: you still have to show up, you still have to
Speaker 1: do drop off, you can romanticize your life. You can
Speaker 1: learn to say no, you play some music in the
Speaker 1: car that makes you happy. You can now start batching
Speaker 1: things and just realizing that you don't have to earn
Speaker 1: your right to be here. Anyways, Guys, I hope you
Speaker 1: enjoyed today's episode. Please don't forget to subscribe and I
Speaker 1: will talk to you on Monday. Bye.