WEBVTT - The ChrissieCast: Josh Reid Jones 0:00:07.800 --> 0:00:12.000 Welcome to the Christy Cast the half hour of Power. Actually, 0:00:12.000 --> 0:00:16.239 I better start the timer. Today's episode is a special 0:00:16.239 --> 0:00:19.279 one because it is very personal. A few years ago, 0:00:19.640 --> 0:00:22.000 I can't remember how long ago, but it was doing Lockdown, 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:26.200 I made a friend Josh Reid Jones. In that weird 0:00:26.239 --> 0:00:30.600 way that happened in Lockdown, you sort of fast tracked 0:00:30.720 --> 0:00:34.120 your connection. We became really really close. But last year, 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:37.800 in twenty twenty four, I was deep in the thick 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:40.879 of it, sorting out my life, my work, my family, 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:44.200 my finances. All of this was new to me, and 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:50.400 in order to do so, I withdrew from everyone for 0:00:50.560 --> 0:00:52.440 over a year. I thought it was going to be 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:54.480 a couple of months, and it turned out to be 0:00:54.680 --> 0:00:59.840 closer to eighteen. I just disappeared. Now, most people, understandably 0:01:00.120 --> 0:01:04.440 would have taken that as a sign, would have judged 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:06.839 me for it. They may have moved on, they would 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:11.280 have definitely taken it personally. But Josh didn't. Throughout that 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:17.560 entire time, he kept checking in, no pressure, no expectations. 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:24.320 Just kindness, just a quiet, constant, active kindness. And I wondered, then, 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:27.959 why did he never assume the worst? Why did he 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:31.920 never feel slighted. Why did he never stop reaching out? 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:35.120 Did he ever think maybe I should just give up 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:35.399 on this? 0:01:35.959 --> 0:01:38.960 And if he did think that, then why didn't he 0:01:39.040 --> 0:01:43.720 follow through? We haven't spoken about any of this yet. 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:46.960 We still haven't really seen each other. I've saved it 0:01:47.360 --> 0:01:51.280 for today because I've got so many questions. Welcome to 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:57.160 the Chrisy Cast. Joshua Jones, Now, what did you think 0:01:57.320 --> 0:01:58.160 was going on with me? 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:01.840 He doesn't take a genie. I obviously knew what was 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:05.400 happening all the way up to lead into everything, you know, 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:09.200 and it's all the big stuff. It's like really big, big, 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:14.320 heavy things for a big hearted person who's got lots 0:02:14.320 --> 0:02:17.520 of people relying on them, you know, heavy as the 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:19.800 crown or heavy as the head that words the crown, 0:02:19.840 --> 0:02:21.840 and you've got a lot of When you've got a 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:27.280 lot on sometimes people just more people. There's just more 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:29.520 to deal with, you know. 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:31.040 So more people. 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.000 No problems, people problems. Yeah, if you feel like you 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:36.080 have to do things, it can be like that. 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:41.200 And it was just the weight of the responsibility and 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:45.720 it was all new and I feel like my life 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:48.040 that I'm the sort of person. Do you turn down 0:02:48.040 --> 0:02:51.200 the radio when you're reversing. Oh yeah, yeah, I do too, 0:02:51.919 --> 0:02:54.440 because I have to shut out the noise or I 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:57.119 can't concentrate, and that's sort of what I had to do. 0:02:57.960 --> 0:03:01.440 I was so full of like, I didn't know what 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:04.360 to do when you would contact me, because I was like, 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:08.480 I'm not I'm not the same person I was, do 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:11.920 you know what I mean? And I just thought, oh, 0:03:12.080 --> 0:03:13.600 you know, if I do catch up with him, it's 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:15.359 going to be such a downer and I don't even 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:19.280 know where to start. I'm so overwhelmed, and so I 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:21.880 did those that awful thing that I never do. I 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:25.520 just would just never. I just never responded. Did you 0:03:25.720 --> 0:03:28.000 think that I had ghosted you at any point? 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:28.960 Ah? 0:03:29.160 --> 0:03:30.440 Nah, I didn't think ghosting. 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:33.639 I just thought, you know, you're in it, and probably 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:38.320 if anything, that just means you know that it's more 0:03:38.360 --> 0:03:40.800 important to just you know, hear if you need it, 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:46.200 and just do that with no expectation, because like, that's 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:49.880 that's obviously what's happening. The first couple of times. It's like, oh, 0:03:49.920 --> 0:03:53.440 you're just busy. We're both a bit shit sometimes messaging anyway, 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:55.440 because we run around you. Look, we have everyone, you know, 0:03:55.480 --> 0:03:58.000 we do. I think that most people do go I'll 0:03:58.000 --> 0:03:59.280 get back to that and you know, fuck, it's been 0:03:59.360 --> 0:03:59.960 three days off. 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:01.320 Now I'll do it. 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:04.760 But then after a couple I was like, okay, you know, 0:04:04.840 --> 0:04:07.040 you're in the middle of it. And then you probably 0:04:08.280 --> 0:04:11.920 once a few big things happen, it's difficult to have 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:14.640 to reiterate those things to more people all the time. 0:04:14.760 --> 0:04:17.600 And you've got professionals and stuff you've got to deal with. 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:19.200 If you know finance, you've got to go sit with 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.240 your account. It's not always then you've got to deal 0:04:22.279 --> 0:04:23.880 with someone else, and you've got to do another thing. 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:25.800 You don't always want to sit down and go through 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:29.360 it all again with someone else, you know. And then 0:04:29.480 --> 0:04:31.360 after a little a few of those things happening, like 0:04:31.440 --> 0:04:33.160 I've got seven big things I've got to talk about 0:04:33.200 --> 0:04:36.200 and I cannot be asked. And now I've got ten 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:38.400 big things, and now it's too much, and now I 0:04:38.440 --> 0:04:39.919 can't catch you up because it's too much to do 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:40.480 in one go. 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:45.840 And in hindsight, if I could have my time again, 0:04:45.920 --> 0:04:50.800 I wouldn't, by the way, and as horribilous anison are 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:56.480 half horribillous, but I think if I had my time again, 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:02.760 I would have I would have spoken to you, because 0:05:02.800 --> 0:05:05.920 I didn't speak to anybody. So when I know what 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:08.560 you mean, you don't want to say the same thing 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.720 over and over. That's annoying. But I wasn't saying it 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:16.160 to anybody, and I think that, in hindsight, made it harder. 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:21.119 But I felt like I couldn't I couldn't even articulate 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:25.400 how much I was having to learn. I couldn't even 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:27.479 do it. And I think I said that to you 0:05:27.520 --> 0:05:30.240 on a few occasions. I can't even I don't even 0:05:30.279 --> 0:05:31.240 know where to start. 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.400 Yeah, yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot. 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:40.480 So what do you think, because I do hear nobody 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:45.320 ever got mad at me for it, for disappearing, which 0:05:45.360 --> 0:05:47.600 I'm really grateful for, because I don't like it when 0:05:47.600 --> 0:05:51.920 people get mad at me, particularly when I'm sad. But 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:55.480 people do, a lot of people do. And you know, 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:59.039 there's whole Reddit threads on how long is acceptable to 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:03.920 not respond to a text message. I just don't think 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:05.040 you're wired that way. 0:06:06.120 --> 0:06:11.520 Yeah, I mean, you get frustrated. Everyone Everyone can get frustrated, 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:14.000 and everyone can feel sad about stuff. And you know, 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:16.760 I missed you, you know, like I miss you because 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:17.360 I miss you. 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:20.640 But I also didn't want you to know as well, 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.359 because it was something that it was embarrassing. It was 0:06:24.440 --> 0:06:27.680 just such a mess, and I don't know you and 0:06:27.720 --> 0:06:32.279 your eyes looking at me. I just couldn't stand it. 0:06:31.520 --> 0:06:34.520 It's hard to think when you've when you've developed so 0:06:34.600 --> 0:06:37.520 much competence, to then find yourself swimming in all this 0:06:37.720 --> 0:06:40.400 like lack of competence and just be like, I don't 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:43.800 want to be perceived as this person. And it works 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:46.000 so hard to be past step one that now that 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:48.680 I'm back at it, this isn't something that I want 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:53.440 someone to be that's known me from step thirty. Yes, 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:56.039 to know me at step one. But you know, I 0:06:56.040 --> 0:06:58.400 think good friends are here for all of it, up 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:00.120 the ups and the downs and starts in the finish 0:07:00.279 --> 0:07:03.400 and all the things in between, and and but I 0:07:03.400 --> 0:07:10.320 also understand that how how vulnerable it feels if someone's 0:07:10.360 --> 0:07:12.840 with you in those moments and you're not one hundred 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:14.840 percent sure what's going to happen, because been ages since 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:17.480 anyone's been there, and you know, in that circumstance for 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:18.480 you, you know, so I get it. 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:24.480 And also I just didn't want to like bring anyone down. Yeah, 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:25.680 you know what, I mean, you just don't want to 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.360 be a burden. If you've only got miserable, hard things 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:32.280 to say, you sound like you're winging. And I just thought, God, 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:35.640 you know, I know your story. I know all of 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:38.360 the things that you hear, and the people that you 0:07:38.680 --> 0:07:40.600 help and the people you work with and all of that, 0:07:40.840 --> 0:07:44.200 and I just thought, this feels really a lot for me, 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:47.320 but I know that it isn't, and I didn't want 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:48.400 to complain to here. 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:50.080 I always think it's so funny when people say that 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:52.640 to me, because I'm like, if I had a rash 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:54.320 and I had a doctor friend, and I'm like, oh, 0:07:54.360 --> 0:07:55.640 you look at rashes all day. I'm not going to 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:57.920 show you my rash, Like that's exactly the person you 0:07:57.960 --> 0:08:01.560 should show it that person, right, And then anybody, you know, 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:04.600 like the people go, oh, you know you you won't 0:08:04.600 --> 0:08:07.720 want to hear about marbles. I'm here for it. I'm 0:08:07.760 --> 0:08:10.840 good at it. But I also have seen enough and 0:08:10.880 --> 0:08:13.640 know enough and myself, you know, I don't practice everything 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:15.920 that I preach in that regard, you know about talking 0:08:15.920 --> 0:08:19.080 about stuff either, you know, so we all have those moments. 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:21.480 Not everyone feels there'll be a burden if they talk 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:24.360 to others about their problems. But some people really feel that. 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:27.720 So if you're want of those people, then it's a 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:30.600 normal or it makes sense that you would respond that way. 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:33.480 Did you know that that sort of person? I was, Yeah, 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:39.480 of course, And you seem to have been born with 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:43.480 the ability of active kindness. 0:08:44.559 --> 0:08:46.439 Yeah, yeah, Well it's very lovely of you. 0:08:46.400 --> 0:08:52.680 To say, and it's rare. Actually. I find that people 0:08:52.760 --> 0:08:57.120 are kind, people are good in general, but to be 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.160 constantly thinking of ways to be thoughtful and kind and 0:09:01.240 --> 0:09:04.719 really mean it is rare. I think we should all 0:09:04.760 --> 0:09:09.440 do it a little bit more. What do you say 0:09:09.480 --> 0:09:13.160 to people that would like to be that sort of person? 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:14.520 Where do you start? 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:17.760 I think the starting point is to prioritize it, to 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:21.280 think of it as being something that's really important to 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:25.760 you as a starting point, and then to recognize that 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:30.040 it's easier to do that, or you know, it's easy 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:31.960 to be nice to the waiter and friendly to everyone 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:33.600 in shop for your friends when things are going well, 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:36.040 like when you've got all your shit together and everything's 0:09:36.080 --> 0:09:39.600 going well, and so in that moment you can you 0:09:39.600 --> 0:09:41.280 can sort of get by and go, yeah, see I 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:43.319 do care, I do do it, And I think it's 0:09:43.360 --> 0:09:46.960 when the when the pressure is on and things aren't 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:49.240 so easy, you're feeling a certain way, you're letting your 0:09:49.240 --> 0:09:51.000 own you know, you're not having a great day or 0:09:51.240 --> 0:09:53.880 things are difficult. If you drop it off, then then 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:56.600 it's not a priority. It's clearly not really a priority 0:09:56.640 --> 0:10:01.600 to you. And I use the can that consideration to 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:04.240 sort of reorient what I'm doing, partly to get out 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:08.720 of my own head sometimes and partly because I think 0:10:09.320 --> 0:10:13.200 that you learn about you learn about how difficult it 0:10:13.240 --> 0:10:15.320 can be or where the challenges are when you try 0:10:15.360 --> 0:10:17.720 and do something and you've got to work around it. 0:10:17.960 --> 0:10:20.480 There's been times I haven't really had money for stuff, 0:10:20.679 --> 0:10:24.680 you know, at all, and so someone wants a beer 0:10:24.920 --> 0:10:27.880 and I don't really have the money, and then I'm like, well, 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.720 I'll buy the beers because I'm first of all like 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:32.640 silly things like I'm embarrassed and not buy a beer 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:33.079 or whatever. 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:33.760 Problem. 0:10:34.080 --> 0:10:35.960 But then, okay, I eat baked beans for a couple 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:37.720 of weeks because we had a few pints or whatever. 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:42.160 But that moment mattered more than whether I and Ah 0:10:42.440 --> 0:10:44.840 bake beans for a couple of weeks. It's a bit shitty. 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:47.640 So when you do that then you get that experience, 0:10:47.679 --> 0:10:50.040 and then you realize you have more space for other 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:52.240 people because you realize how difficult it is, and if 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:56.320 in the difficulties pile up and not everyone's thinking about 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:58.720 this all the time, and so you have empathy not 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:00.880 just for people having a difficult time, but empathy in 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:03.240 the way that people respond because you know how hard 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:04.560 it was when you did it, and it's easy to 0:11:04.600 --> 0:11:07.199 imagine a tiny little bit harder and you wouldn't have 0:11:07.200 --> 0:11:08.959 been able to do it either, or you could have 0:11:08.960 --> 0:11:12.760 easily picked some other way forward. And I think that 0:11:12.400 --> 0:11:14.880 that helps. 0:11:17.800 --> 0:11:20.560 There was that cheesy book about love languages and whatever. 0:11:21.520 --> 0:11:23.920 Everyone's done that when they've first gone out with their 0:11:24.040 --> 0:11:29.640 boyfriend or girlfriend. But do you think that empathy and 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:34.360 how we show it, not how we receive it, how 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:38.160 we show it is more to do with the person 0:11:38.240 --> 0:11:42.240 that's doing it, and does the things that you do 0:11:42.520 --> 0:11:47.439 reflect your own the things that make you feel good? 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:50.120 You know, like, does it make you feel good when 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:55.000 you're feeling shit? If a friend texts you, yeah, I 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:56.880 know that they're thinking of you. 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:01.600 Yeah, I think so. I think it's nigh, But I 0:12:01.640 --> 0:12:04.480 also know how it can feel like a lot on 0:12:04.520 --> 0:12:06.360 a big day as well, when you've got a lot 0:12:06.360 --> 0:12:09.880 on there. It's one of the reasons why I think 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:11.680 it's great when you've got friends you can sort of 0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:14.720 just have a little yarn with a lot regularly. Yeah, 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:19.360 it takes to catch up immensity out of it, and 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:22.199 so I'm really bad. I will never I cannot remember 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:25.200 a time really that I've texted mate and gone mate, 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:27.600 I am in all sorts and I need to talk 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:31.120 to you. So if I haven't spoken to anyone, if 0:12:31.160 --> 0:12:32.719 it ended up, I haven't spoken any for ten days, 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:35.160 I'm just sitting on it. And then by the time 0:12:35.160 --> 0:12:37.000 it rolls around it's been ten days. To catch up 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:39.000 is too much and I never get to that point. 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.280 But if you're just catching up and then what's going on, 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.000 like ah, you know I didn't sleep that well, or 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:45.600 this going on? Well, you know something happened. Spinning around 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:47.080 a little bit on this in my head and it 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:50.840 just takes the it takes the seriousness out of it, 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:53.800 and like that focus on me. I'm woefully uncomfortable with 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:57.080 pulling a conversation together around myself like I'm having a 0:12:57.080 --> 0:12:58.680 bad day. Gather around, team. 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.120 I need you all to just I'm going to take 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:04.080 you through it minute by minute. 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:05.360 If I tell you, I could tell you a story 0:13:05.360 --> 0:13:08.520 about when I shit myself in Peru, No worries gather 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:10.440 around everybody. I'm happy to be the center of attention 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.599 for that, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't do it for 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:15.440 those sorts of things, and for me, it really those 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:17.080 little touch points regularly really help. 0:13:17.800 --> 0:13:21.520 That is a great tip because I don't do that, 0:13:22.720 --> 0:13:25.760 and that means that the people that I really love 0:13:25.800 --> 0:13:28.960 and that I know love me and I feel that love, 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:33.400 don't really know what's going on. I keep that away 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:36.480 from them out of necessity because I'm busy and I 0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:39.920 have to move on to the next thing. And then 0:13:40.120 --> 0:13:44.640 like every three days there's something, and then three days 0:13:44.679 --> 0:13:47.000 after that, I can't remember what that was. Do you 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:50.079 know what I mean? Yeah, but that is really good. 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.400 Would you go? Would you go so far as to 0:13:54.920 --> 0:13:57.200 set a reminder. I'm going to set a reminder to 0:13:57.240 --> 0:14:02.200 call you and my friend and would you dial the number? 0:14:02.840 --> 0:14:03.080 Yeah. 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.040 I recommend all the time for people to put it 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:09.120 in their phones. It's so easy to forget, to forget stuff. 0:14:09.679 --> 0:14:13.079 The time goes so quick, and like I've got dates 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:16.599 in my phone for my mates, like the kids' birthdays, 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:19.200 like when anniversary of like people passing away at their 0:14:19.200 --> 0:14:19.960 family members. 0:14:19.760 --> 0:14:23.800 And my sobriety anniversary. You're the only person that remembers that, 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:24.840 including me. 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:26.800 Yeah, that's right, including thanks for the reminder. I forgot 0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:27.160 about it that. 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:31.160 I like, Wow, yes it is two four years. 0:14:31.160 --> 0:14:33.240 Because sometimes you need people to celebrate the stuff you 0:14:33.280 --> 0:14:34.920 sort of are a bit over or don't think about 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:37.040 that much as well. Yeah, so I think that's good. 0:14:37.080 --> 0:14:39.280 And then I think just the just the touching base 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.960 and knowing like, hey, look, if this conversation goes for 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:44.240 three minutes, who gives a shit, it doesn't matter. Touch 0:14:44.280 --> 0:14:46.840 base has a going. What's happening? What are you up to? 0:14:47.000 --> 0:14:49.320 Just driving here? Big day whatever. I'm kind of tired, 0:14:50.120 --> 0:14:52.920 you know, you get ten I'm tired conversations in a row. 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:54.760 You get a sense of like, what's happening, you know, 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:56.680 if you get oh, I'm away this weekend, I'm partying 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:59.360 this week, I'm doing this week. Okay, it's interesting you're 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.360 doing those things. So I'm out for dinner all the time. 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.080 You've got people around you, you know, like cool, you're 0:15:04.120 --> 0:15:06.880 being social. That's nice and you've got friends who are like, 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:09.200 you're being social means you're saying yes to too many 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:10.800 things and you're probably going to burn out. I can 0:15:10.840 --> 0:15:13.120 see that in your future. Or you're saying yes to 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:15.520 things and you're not hiding out in a cave. That's 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:18.200 good for that other friend who you go, that's good, 0:15:18.680 --> 0:15:21.960 you've got it together. But that's part of those little 0:15:21.960 --> 0:15:24.160 touch points of how you get to really understand like 0:15:24.200 --> 0:15:26.760 the rhythms of people's lives as well, and then you 0:15:26.800 --> 0:15:30.680 can help in more active ways. That makes sense, you know, 0:15:30.880 --> 0:15:34.080 So then that's useful because it's like otherwise it gets 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:36.360 more generic, and the more generic to help is the 0:15:36.720 --> 0:15:38.440 less pointed and good it can be. 0:15:38.520 --> 0:15:41.520 I think sometimes everyone that ever comes to my house, 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:46.280 which is rare, I'll admit it, but you know, you know, 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:49.400 it's such a miracle when me and my primary school 0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:52.760 girlfriends the planet's aligned and we all see each other. 0:15:52.800 --> 0:15:56.400 It's just so gorgeous. But everybody leaves with the little 0:15:56.400 --> 0:16:00.480 frozen meal of some description that I've made. I even 0:16:00.480 --> 0:16:04.040 invested in a huge deep freeze to keep them in 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:08.800 because I just think, what a delightful treat to not 0:16:08.920 --> 0:16:10.280 have to think of dinner. 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:12.960 The best, the best, the best, and when you're offering 0:16:13.040 --> 0:16:15.080 help for people, because this happens a lot. So one 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:17.160 of the reminders I put in my phone someone dies, 0:16:17.400 --> 0:16:20.240 someone has a baby, those sorts of things. I put 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:22.800 the reminder in for like six seven weeks afterwards, when 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:25.960 everyone else is dropped off, because the first couple of 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:29.400 weeks everyone's around. You get inundated with stuff forty eight 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:32.880 lasagnas and everyone's messaging you constantly, and then six eight 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:36.800 weeks later you're on your own. But like the hustle 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:39.400 and bustle of the first six weeks is passed, and 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:43.080 that's usually when people like are left with their own devices, 0:16:43.400 --> 0:16:46.360 you know, and so I just you know, you check 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:48.800 in then and then you're you're at the right time. 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.640 Yeah, that is the time, isn't it? Six seven eight 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:57.600 weeks you realize that life is going to go on 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:01.920 and you have to get over it, get into it, 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:09.359 keep living without that person, that situation, that relationship. That's hard. 0:17:09.560 --> 0:17:11.840 Yeah, it's it's a it's a it's a big time. 0:17:12.320 --> 0:17:14.720 And then I think it's good to offer people help 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:20.000 that they can then mold to their own needs. If 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:22.399 I just say I'm bringing you over at lasagna and 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:24.080 your fridge is full. You don't want to say no, 0:17:24.400 --> 0:17:26.720 but like also you don't really need it. Say how 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:28.439 can I make your dinner sometime next week or the 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.160 week after? Or would you like me to drop something off? 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:32.760 They go, you know what, Tuesday in a fortnight, I've 0:17:32.760 --> 0:17:36.080 got nothing on and it would be awesome, And now 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:38.000 I can plan my shopping around it, so I don't 0:17:38.160 --> 0:17:40.119 haven't just done my shopping and filled the fridge with 0:17:40.160 --> 0:17:43.359 everyone else's stuff. And now it's useful and it's in 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:47.040 the calendar, and that's good. And sometimes it's like the 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:50.000 asking and the paying attention in that way can be 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:53.200 really good, and it helps you work out what's useful 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:56.400 for people as well, because people like different kinds of help. 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:58.480 Some people want to walk, somebody want to be on 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:00.760 a meal, want to laugh, want to just you know, 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:02.040 I have a yarn on the phone for a few 0:18:02.040 --> 0:18:05.720 hours or whatever, or like text heaps or something. So 0:18:05.800 --> 0:18:07.080 it's good to do those things and. 0:18:07.040 --> 0:18:07.560 Work it out. 0:18:07.600 --> 0:18:09.920 But when you give people some choices, I think that's 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:11.720 really important. 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:17.720 I am naturally like I naturally gravitate to being kind 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:20.680 and trying to make people feel good. About themselves. But 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:23.919 I find it hard, not so that I find it 0:18:23.960 --> 0:18:29.159 hard to accept. I don't know what kindness looks like 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:33.719 to me, And I think, well, I didn't until this 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:37.760 situation with you and I and I think what I 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:43.680 learned from you and no one else is that what 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:49.199 kindness feels like to me is maybe I don't know, 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:54.199 just like a presence, a non judgmental I know it 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:59.280 was weird. It's weird what you did. You're a very 0:18:59.359 --> 0:18:59.880 weird man. 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:01.919 Weird, I'm a weirdo. But I think we have a 0:19:01.920 --> 0:19:04.800 really wonderful relationship of just being able to be, you know, 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:08.159 and you're doing all the time. You've got like you 0:19:08.240 --> 0:19:10.399 want one of the great doers, and there's you're always 0:19:10.400 --> 0:19:12.840 doing stuff, and then we just get to be and 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:15.600 you don't have to pretend and I don't. I don't 0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:18.440 need you to do anything for me. And so that 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:21.800 doesn't come with a list of stuff that's strange, that 0:19:21.920 --> 0:19:25.240 is strange them eating spring rolls. We don't really have 0:19:25.280 --> 0:19:27.359 anything that we have to do on a regular base. 0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:32.600 I drove through was that some marm Bina Marmbina where 0:19:32.640 --> 0:19:34.360 we had a great ground. 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:36.400 Yeah, there's been some good ones but. 0:19:36.400 --> 0:19:38.440 You know, I grew my own Vietnamese mint. 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:39.800 You're going to say, you. 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.480 Spring rubbles your time. I grew my own Vietnamese mint 0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:47.720 because you know, they never give you enough. 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:49.760 Yep, they never give. 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:56.159 You enough, and so it goes like wild fire. It's amazing. 0:19:56.880 --> 0:19:57.960 We need to get back into that. 0:19:58.200 --> 0:20:02.560 Yeah, yeah, but the doing, the doing and the being 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:05.080 are different, and I'm not a great in general. It 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:07.480 is different and it's really lovely. It really is nice. 0:20:08.800 --> 0:20:12.080 Where are we going to be next? Let's put it 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:13.879 in the diary? Can we please? 0:20:14.000 --> 0:20:14.200 Again? 0:20:14.240 --> 0:20:20.479 I'm serious because I've really missed you and I and 0:20:20.520 --> 0:20:22.919 also I just really want to thank you for that 0:20:23.119 --> 0:20:28.560 because it was a fairly lonely time by my own doing, 0:20:29.440 --> 0:20:34.000 because I had these huge areas of my life that 0:20:34.560 --> 0:20:42.199 had changed fundamentally, and I'm so like, I take it 0:20:42.280 --> 0:20:47.520 so seriously making sure that everyone's okay and doesn't feel 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:50.760 in the dark or I don't know, I just and 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:52.360