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Speaker 1: Everyone, It's Carlie Taylor here for this week's Mojoe Monday.

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Speaker 1: So today we're going to talk through some principles of

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Speaker 1: Marita therapy that I consider hugely important when we are

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Speaker 1: managing our difficult and painful emotions on a daily basis.

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Speaker 1: So you and I are very aware that when we

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Speaker 1: feel intense emotions such as anxiety, fear, nervousness, or when

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Speaker 1: we're overthinking and our thoughts seem to envelop us to

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Speaker 1: a point where we feel out of control, the natural

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Speaker 1: thing to do is try and take control. We want

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Speaker 1: to be able to be the chief and take control

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Speaker 1: of our emotions and thoughts and ensure they follow our

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Speaker 1: instructions so we can stop feeling this way and stop

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Speaker 1: thinking this way and get on with our lives. So

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Speaker 1: how often do we think, if only I didn't feel

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Speaker 1: this way, I would be happy, or I would go

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Speaker 1: and do all the things that I want to do.

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Speaker 1: But it's these thoughts, on these feelings that are stopping me.

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Speaker 1: But what we can do is take a different perspective

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Speaker 1: on this, a different approach. So rather than the control

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Speaker 1: approach or the control agenda, we can take a step

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Speaker 1: back and view ourselves from a different perspective, we can

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Speaker 1: understand ourselves better and we can take control of what

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Speaker 1: we can control. And in this process, our thoughts and

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Speaker 1: emotions can be influenced. But the agenda to control our

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Speaker 1: emotions through sheer will is counterproductive because often they get

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Speaker 1: worse the more we try, and that is exhausting. So

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Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about Marita therapy, and if you

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Speaker 1: are a first time listener, Marita therapy is an approach

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Speaker 1: that comes from Japan, and I'm a trained Marita therapist

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Speaker 1: and I talk a lot about Marita therapy in the

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Speaker 1: context of day to day shear human emotional challenges. And

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about a principle that Marita called

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Speaker 1: toroware and it translates to or he translated it to

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Speaker 1: It has been translated to mental preoccupation. But I also

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Speaker 1: looked it up and the candy symbols mean prisoner or

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Speaker 1: to be shackled by and I thought, wow, how relevant

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Speaker 1: is that? Because how often do we feel like we're

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Speaker 1: a prisoner of our own emotions or we feel like

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Speaker 1: we're literally shackled by our thoughts and we can't escape.

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Speaker 1: And I think that when we feel like this, we

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Speaker 1: can use the term toroware to describe our state of

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Speaker 1: mind and our state of body. So when I feel

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Speaker 1: like this, I'm in a state of to I don't

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Speaker 1: know about you, but I relate to that more than

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Speaker 1: using terms or language like overthinking or anxiety or my anxiety.

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Speaker 1: And I really like the word state because it implies

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Speaker 1: that it is in this moment, but it's also temporary.

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Speaker 1: So according to Marita, there are a couple of things

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Speaker 1: that happen when we are in this state of toro worry,

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Speaker 1: and as I go through this, relate it to your

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Speaker 1: own experience and see if it's something that you connect to.

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Speaker 1: One is that we get into this loop that makes

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Speaker 1: us feel worse. So we pay too much attention to

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Speaker 1: symptoms like anxiety or fear or pain, and our mind

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Speaker 1: jumps ahead with fearful thoughts about what might happen next.

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Speaker 1: And the more you focus on the discomfort, the worse

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Speaker 1: it feels, and then that confirms your fears, so you

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Speaker 1: pay even more attention to it, and then the cycle

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Speaker 1: keeps going. So this loop is what Marita described as

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Speaker 1: the cycle we're paying too much attention to how we

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Speaker 1: feel actually amplifies the suffering. So think of it like this.

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Speaker 1: I feel anxious. I then focus on the anxiety, and

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Speaker 1: then I start worrying that it's going to get worse,

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Speaker 1: and then it does feel worse, and then I feel

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Speaker 1: more anxious. And you can imagine this in one of

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Speaker 1: those circular diagrams. And what this does is it keeps

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Speaker 1: the symptoms alive, not because of the perceived problem, not

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Speaker 1: because the problem is getting worse, but because your mind

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Speaker 1: is feeding the pain or the anxiety that's causing this.

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Speaker 1: The second part of torawero is this, there is often

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Speaker 1: a gap between how you think life should be and

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Speaker 1: how it actually is. There's this inner tension between how

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Speaker 1: you feel when your expectations don't meet mat reality. And

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Speaker 1: I catch myself doing this all the time, and I

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Speaker 1: think that's important because it's very natural that we feel

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Speaker 1: like this. It's very natural that we have this ideal

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Speaker 1: that how we would like things to be. But the

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Speaker 1: important thing is that we're aware of it, and we

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Speaker 1: are aware of the effect that's having on our well being. So,

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Speaker 1: for example, things like I should be over this by now,

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't feel this way, my life should feel different,

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Speaker 1: you know. An example, just a daily example, is that

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Speaker 1: if you are in a hurry and you get stuck

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Speaker 1: behind a slow driver. I mean, there's definitely a gap

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Speaker 1: between the ideal over how you would like things to

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Speaker 1: be and the reality of the situation. And the thing

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Speaker 1: is is these beliefs can be really sticky, and they

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Speaker 1: can create this emotional tension. We suffer not just from

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Speaker 1: what is, but also from what isn't. It's from this

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Speaker 1: gap between our ideal and the reality. And this is

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Speaker 1: what they call shiz or no mujon. It's the internal

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Speaker 1: contradiction between how we think things should be and how

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Speaker 1: they actually are. And these kinds of thoughts can create

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Speaker 1: so much suffering. They argue with the truth of what

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Speaker 1: is happening, and then instead of helping you change, they

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Speaker 1: pull you into this self defeating state of frustration or

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Speaker 1: self criticism or hopelessness or blame. And then what tends

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Speaker 1: to happen is we go into avoidance mode. So we

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Speaker 1: try and fix or control how we feel by avoidance

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Speaker 1: strategies like drinking, scrolling on social media to numb the feeling.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we avoid social situations, or maybe we try and

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Speaker 1: just reassure ourselves that everything is okay and that we

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Speaker 1: are okay, and these efforts to fix or control it

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Speaker 1: inner world are what is called hakarai. So how all

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Speaker 1: this work that we put into managing or manipulating our feelings.

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Speaker 1: It usually backfires, especially in the long term. Sometimes it

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Speaker 1: works in the short term, but long term it usually

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Speaker 1: everything just comes up again. You know. They keep us

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Speaker 1: stuck in this same painful loop, feeding the very distress

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Speaker 1: that we're trying to escape. So let me give you

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Speaker 1: an example to pull this all together. So let's say

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Speaker 1: someone gets turned down for a job. They feel sad,

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Speaker 1: which is understandable. It's very disappointing if your dream job

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Speaker 1: you suddenly get to the you know, maybe the top

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Speaker 1: three candidates, and you get rejected. So they start to

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Speaker 1: focus too much on their sadness and they think, well,

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Speaker 1: I should be happy, I shouldn't feel like this, and

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Speaker 1: so they start searching for quick fixes or distractions to

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Speaker 1: make themselves feel better, but nothing works, and then the

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Speaker 1: sadness grows, and then they start believing something's wrong with them.

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Speaker 1: So this is tora ware, being trapped in a state

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Speaker 1: of mental preoccupation and suffering. So what is the solution?

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Speaker 1: I hear you ask, well, in my reader, therapy. There

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Speaker 1: is a beautiful term that some of you heard before

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Speaker 1: because Paul and I talk about it all the time,

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Speaker 1: and that is a term called arrogamama. And this describes

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Speaker 1: a different state where you allow yourself to feel your

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Speaker 1: internal experience, your emotions, your thoughts, your sensations, your memories,

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Speaker 1: all the internal stuff without needing to fight them or

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Speaker 1: change them or make them mean something about who you are.

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Speaker 1: And it's not really a technique or a strategy. It's

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Speaker 1: not a mindset like acceptance, where the opposite might be

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Speaker 1: non acceptance. Instead, arrogamama is more like a way of

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Speaker 1: being where you walk alongside your emotional that emotional part

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Speaker 1: of you, without adding layers of judgment or control or

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Speaker 1: resistance while you live a purpose driven life. So let's

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Speaker 1: say you're sad in arrogamama. The sadness is there, but

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Speaker 1: you don't deny it, you don't obsess over it, you

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Speaker 1: don't try and get rid of it or make it

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Speaker 1: mean something is wrong with you. You're not doing anything

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Speaker 1: to the sadness. You're just letting it be a part

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Speaker 1: of the landscape of what makes you you in that

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Speaker 1: moment while you keep living your life. So there's an

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Speaker 1: action part to it. So over time this way of being,

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Speaker 1: it softens the grip of your internal world that this

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Speaker 1: internal world has on you, not by fixing or suppressing anything,

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Speaker 1: but by restoring your ability to live with a full

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Speaker 1: range of human emotions and a full range of human experience.

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Speaker 1: So you're not waiting to feel better before you move,

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Speaker 1: before you take action. You're acting in spite of it.

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Speaker 1: So this is very different from resisting or denying or

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Speaker 1: over analyzing how you feel. It's the opposite of being

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Speaker 1: caught in torore, which is the stuck state where we

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Speaker 1: fix sate on how we feel and we try to

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Speaker 1: control it and spiral into more suffering. So do you

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Speaker 1: know what I love about this is it changes our

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Speaker 1: perspective of our inner experience. You know, we live in

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Speaker 1: a culture that fixates on feelings. We talk about my

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Speaker 1: anxiety or like it's part of our identity, and we're

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Speaker 1: flooded with content about how to manage your master our emotions.

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Speaker 1: But Marita flips that on its head. It says, let

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Speaker 1: your emotions be, shift your attention to what needs doing.

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Speaker 1: Focus on your feet, not your feelings. So focus on

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Speaker 1: moving on doing, not your feelings, and this has been

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Speaker 1: a game changer for me. This is like, I am

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Speaker 1: somebody who has spent years in a constant state of

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Speaker 1: toro ware, and I also spent years searching for solutions,

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Speaker 1: searching for answers to be able to control my emotions

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Speaker 1: and control my thoughts. And when I was introduced to

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Speaker 1: Marita therapy, it was like a lightbulb moment for me,

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Speaker 1: and it was a huge relief that I could just

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Speaker 1: stop struggling. But in saying that, it's not easy either.

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Speaker 1: But what it is, what it means is that even

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Speaker 1: when these emotions and thoughts show up, which for me

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Speaker 1: they do, they keep showing up. I've changed my relationship

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Speaker 1: with them and they don't stop me. Now. They don't

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Speaker 1: stop me from challenging myself. They don't stop me from

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Speaker 1: taking risks, they don't stop me from finding joy in living.

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Speaker 1: So it's been a massive game changer for me personally.

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Speaker 1: And there's a beautiful metaphor that the Japanese often refer to,

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Speaker 1: and I really hope my interpretation does it justice. So

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Speaker 1: we are like a river continually flowing, and when an

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Speaker 1: obstacle comes along that's in the way of the flow.

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Speaker 1: The water doesn't stop or try and remove the obstacle.

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Speaker 1: It flows around it, over it, through it, and by

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Speaker 1: continually flowing the path of the river forever changes. It

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Speaker 1: carves out new paths. And if the water is caught

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Speaker 1: and becomes stagnant, what happens. It becomes murky, it gets

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Speaker 1: filled with mosquitoes, and it starts to get stale. So

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Speaker 1: compare this to our lives. If we stop because we're challenged,

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Speaker 1: if we stop because of how we feel, we can

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Speaker 1: become stagnant. If we can keep moving forward whatever that

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Speaker 1: is in your capacity, you will carve out new paths

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Speaker 1: and you will keep moving in the direction of the

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Speaker 1: life you want. So rogamama allows life to flow. We

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Speaker 1: can choose to focus our life force, our energy towards

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Speaker 1: what matters, even when emotions are heavy. So if you

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Speaker 1: are feeling stuck this week, if you are entangled up

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Speaker 1: in these thoughts and emotions, if you are exhausted, try this.

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Speaker 1: Don't try and fix it, don't try to outthink it,

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Speaker 1: don't give into it either. Ask yourself with things as

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Speaker 1: they are, what needs doing right now. Then go and

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Speaker 1: do that with your emotions in to let them be

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Speaker 1: the rock in the river that you flow through because

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Speaker 1: you are not your anxiety, you are not your sadness.

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Speaker 1: You are a river, and that's what you need to do.

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Speaker 1: You need to keep flowing. So I hope that has

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Speaker 1: been valuable. I'm very passionate about this stuff. It has

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Speaker 1: been hugely valuable for me and for my clients, and

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Speaker 1: I do hope that this episode has been valuable for

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Speaker 1: you too. So have a great week everyone, and I'll

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Speaker 1: catch you next week. See you