1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:02,480 Speaker 1: This is the fits in with Her with Kate Richie 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:08,160 Speaker 1: podcast instance. Spark. Let's talk about love right and whether 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,400 Speaker 1: the instant spark, which is like love at first sight, 4 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,720 Speaker 1: is actually a good thing. People believe in it. I 5 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: think that's because they've watched too many Hollywood films. 6 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, or Disney. I don't think. I don't think instant 7 00:00:21,040 --> 00:00:23,680 Speaker 2: spark is the same as love at first time. 8 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: Have you ever looked at somebody in a room and thought, 9 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: oh God, that's my kind of person and then ended 10 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,120 Speaker 1: up with that person? Well? I married her? 11 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:36,360 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, yeah, I knew straight away, straight straight away, 12 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 3: there was I fell in love with her straight away. 13 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:41,040 Speaker 3: It took me two years. 14 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: Yeah, because she had another boyfriend. 15 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 3: And three years in silver Water just following her around. 16 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 3: But I but yeah, I just knew straight away. I 17 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:52,960 Speaker 3: just went, I'm going to end up marrying that girl. 18 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,200 Speaker 1: I love that. Really, here's the danger. 19 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,400 Speaker 2: Maybe that's when you meet people earlier. 20 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,240 Speaker 1: Here's the danger of it. Have I listened to this 21 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: the spark? 22 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 4: Here's what's wrong with the spark. First of all, people 23 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,080 Speaker 4: think that the spark can't grow over time. That's not true. 24 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 4: The spark can and often does grow. Another problem is 25 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 4: that people think, if I feel the spark, then this 26 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:18,199 Speaker 4: must be a good thing. That's just not true. Plenty 27 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 4: of really hot, charismatic and yes, narcissistic people give off 28 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,119 Speaker 4: the spark. Some people are just really sparky, and this 29 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:28,960 Speaker 4: is more of a reflection on them than what's developing 30 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 4: between the two of these. 31 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: So the spark can be clearly misleading. 32 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,040 Speaker 2: Oh it absolutely can. I actually think the spark when 33 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,200 Speaker 2: you have full on, like an initial spark, I wish 34 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 2: I could remember the The problem. The proper wording for 35 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 2: these no, no, not lust is like this. If you 36 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 2: feel a spark from someone, quite often what that person 37 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:58,760 Speaker 2: is doing is triggering something in you that is maybe 38 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 2: un resor or it's not. It's not necessarily a positive thing. 39 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 2: It's kind of like it gets your jeers flowing, but 40 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 2: it tends to be the thing that you continue to 41 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,840 Speaker 2: be drawn to, but is quite often negative. 42 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: Like a bad boy. 43 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,520 Speaker 3: Now, it's an instinct. I think it's an instinct, and 44 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 3: you this is the thing where you trust your own instincts. 45 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:24,240 Speaker 3: So when you get a feeling about someone, and it 46 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 3: can be a negative one, this is the thing. But 47 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,919 Speaker 3: it's when you get a feeling you look at someone 48 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:31,640 Speaker 3: and you are immediately attracted to them and go, I 49 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 3: want to get to know them. You've got to trust 50 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,320 Speaker 3: that feeling. Well, yes you do. 51 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 2: But for example, history might say that you are continually 52 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 2: drawn to the same kind of thing. It does create 53 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,640 Speaker 2: that physical spark in you and gets all your doper 54 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 2: means in trauma bonding. Trauma bonding, you tend to bond 55 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:58,440 Speaker 2: unrest trauma in you. So you might be attracted to 56 00:02:58,960 --> 00:02:59,919 Speaker 2: someone tragedy. 57 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:00,679 Speaker 3: This is fair. 58 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,120 Speaker 2: This is a huge generalization, and you're really basic. But 59 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,919 Speaker 2: if you're attracted to like a you know, a bad 60 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 2: boy or something, but you might have unresolved issues with 61 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,799 Speaker 2: your father or something, it doesn't necessarily mean that that 62 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 2: person is the best person for you. In fact, that 63 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 2: person might be sent to teach you all that you 64 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:18,840 Speaker 2: need to heal. 65 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: What Kate is saying is that every relationship needs to 66 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,959 Speaker 1: be quite layered. You need to look deeper and deeper 67 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,080 Speaker 1: and deeper and deeper until you've put the out have 68 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:30,960 Speaker 1: a complication that you're calling it a deck and they're 69 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:31,520 Speaker 1: out of the house. 70 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,800 Speaker 3: This is an extremely personal question, Kate, and it might 71 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,320 Speaker 3: be a past relationship or something that's happened in your life. 72 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 3: But what can you give us an example in your 73 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 3: life of a trauma that you would bond with somebody 74 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 3: else over if you met them. 75 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 2: No, the thing is you're not. You don't have a 76 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:54,360 Speaker 2: common trauma. You're not bonding with someone over something that 77 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 2: you have in common. You're bonding with them because of 78 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,960 Speaker 2: an experience against trauma that you. 79 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: Further reading from Jess here on the iPhone. Jess, what 80 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:05,560 Speaker 1: do you go? 81 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,360 Speaker 2: Don't be fooled? Okay, this is great. Don't be fooled 82 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 2: by chemistry. Sorry to break the news, but chemistry isn't 83 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,440 Speaker 2: always a good thing. When we're attracted to someone who 84 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,520 Speaker 2: lights up our wounds, we are pulled into a dance 85 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,240 Speaker 2: with them. So the draw tends to be that the 86 00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,839 Speaker 2: relationship never feels boring. In fact, it can feel just 87 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 2: like an exciting rollercoaster ride. Let me give you an example. Okay, 88 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,320 Speaker 2: I picture a woman who struggles with childhood trauma around 89 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,360 Speaker 2: neglect and abandonment. One day, she walks into a coffee 90 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,680 Speaker 2: shop on the corner and is drawn to a man 91 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 2: she sees he seems to meet all of her dreams 92 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,479 Speaker 2: and requirements. Of course, they hit it off but when 93 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 2: things start to move forward, he panics and pulls away 94 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 2: later breaks up with her. The rapid shift from an 95 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 2: intense desire to break up triggers all of her neglect 96 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 2: and abandonment issues, So all of the pound pain surrounding 97 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,280 Speaker 2: this trauma that she stored is then released, and then 98 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 2: she feels completely and utter lead destroyed. 99 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 3: So now I totally disagree, because she she really liked 100 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 3: that guy physically, but he's. 101 00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:10,479 Speaker 2: It's not a positive attraction. 102 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,479 Speaker 3: You can't predict he's going to leave her after a 103 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:15,480 Speaker 3: certain amount of time. 104 00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,919 Speaker 2: Trauma people are types. 105 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: But that also suggests you should maybe have a one 106 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 1: night stand with that person just in case. So if 107 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,360 Speaker 1: there is anything there, then you've. 108 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:33,160 Speaker 3: Got trigger point. Tom, there's trauma in the studios. 109 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,400 Speaker 1: Something to think about if you look, it doesn't matter 110 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: on complicating it. 111 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:41,359 Speaker 3: There's that voice again, I'm actually attracted to you with 112 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 3: thank you. 113 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,320 Speaker 1: That's a that's a strange Sparks with Kate Ritchie is 114 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: a nov podcast or great shows like this download the 115 00:05:49,839 --> 00:05:54,040 Speaker 1: Nova player, the app Store, or Google Play.