1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:13,361 Speaker 1: Appologie production. I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? 2 00:00:13,961 --> 00:00:18,401 Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome 3 00:00:18,521 --> 00:00:25,721 Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the. 4 00:00:25,681 --> 00:00:29,961 Speaker 2: Place for you. Welcome back to another Bestie episode where 5 00:00:30,001 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 2: we share your anonymous stories. This is where, really where 6 00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:35,601 Speaker 2: the chaos happens. We have anything that you need advice on, 7 00:00:35,681 --> 00:00:37,560 Speaker 2: anything that you're struggling with, or something that is just 8 00:00:37,601 --> 00:00:39,881 Speaker 2: so far fetch that you're like, what the actual f 9 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,881 Speaker 2: How do we deal with this? You can bring them 10 00:00:41,881 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 2: in here and we will give you bestie advice, just 11 00:00:43,561 --> 00:00:44,601 Speaker 2: like we would give to each other. 12 00:00:44,721 --> 00:00:46,881 Speaker 1: So all right, here we go. My ex and I 13 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,801 Speaker 1: have been separated for a few years now and co 14 00:00:48,921 --> 00:00:51,201 Speaker 1: print well. He has a partner and has been together 15 00:00:51,241 --> 00:00:53,601 Speaker 1: for at least a year now. My daughter, who was eight, 16 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,841 Speaker 1: saw her dad's phone the other day and notice he 17 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,200 Speaker 1: is on Tinder. I noticed that when you message him, 18 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,521 Speaker 1: he always has his phone on. Do not disturb. My 19 00:01:00,641 --> 00:01:02,841 Speaker 1: question is how do I approach it with my daughter. 20 00:01:02,921 --> 00:01:05,681 Speaker 1: She's very mature of her age, and we speak age 21 00:01:05,681 --> 00:01:09,161 Speaker 1: appropriate about anything that she asks. I've initially told her 22 00:01:09,161 --> 00:01:11,481 Speaker 1: to just keep it to ourselves and it's her Dad's business. 23 00:01:11,881 --> 00:01:13,361 Speaker 1: I have no opinion, and I know it's not my 24 00:01:13,401 --> 00:01:15,601 Speaker 1: business what he does and I shouldn't be involved. But 25 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,401 Speaker 1: I'm just wondering how to approach it with her because 26 00:01:17,401 --> 00:01:19,640 Speaker 1: she brings it up sometimes and says, should I tell 27 00:01:19,681 --> 00:01:22,041 Speaker 1: Dad's girlfriend? And I just keep saying that he will 28 00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,840 Speaker 1: work it out himself and it's their business as we 29 00:01:23,881 --> 00:01:26,081 Speaker 1: don't know their relationship. But I never want her to 30 00:01:26,121 --> 00:01:28,041 Speaker 1: feel like she should be holding back on saying something 31 00:01:28,081 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: if she feels strongly about it. He can be very 32 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,721 Speaker 1: aggressive when he speaks, and I know he would tell 33 00:01:32,721 --> 00:01:34,441 Speaker 1: her off for bringing it up with him, and the 34 00:01:34,521 --> 00:01:36,761 Speaker 1: kids find it difficult to communicate with him at times. 35 00:01:37,121 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: But I want to support her the best way I can. 36 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,121 Speaker 1: I was thinking I could say something to him on 37 00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:42,921 Speaker 1: the down load so he can address it with my 38 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,961 Speaker 1: daughter in a nice way to put her mind at ease, 39 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,081 Speaker 1: because he does respect my opinion. But I also want 40 00:01:48,161 --> 00:01:50,800 Speaker 1: to totally avoid it, but do what's best for her 41 00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:53,001 Speaker 1: so she feels like she's been listened to and validate 42 00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:56,800 Speaker 1: how she feels about it. Oh that's a tough one, 43 00:01:56,921 --> 00:01:59,401 Speaker 1: it is, but it's also such a big opportunity because 44 00:01:59,401 --> 00:02:03,081 Speaker 1: your daughter obviously has morals and values and integrity, and 45 00:02:03,161 --> 00:02:05,561 Speaker 1: she knows he's being dishonest and doing the wrong thing 46 00:02:05,961 --> 00:02:08,441 Speaker 1: to a committed relationship. And that's freaking amazing that she 47 00:02:08,481 --> 00:02:11,481 Speaker 1: already knows that. And I also know how scary it 48 00:02:11,521 --> 00:02:13,641 Speaker 1: is to have an aggressive parent that you can't approach 49 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,921 Speaker 1: things with. But I think sounds like she has incredible 50 00:02:15,921 --> 00:02:17,681 Speaker 1: support with you, and I think you could really guide 51 00:02:17,761 --> 00:02:19,601 Speaker 1: her in having this conversation with. 52 00:02:19,641 --> 00:02:22,800 Speaker 2: Him, absolutely, And you know, even with her, it's hard 53 00:02:22,841 --> 00:02:25,761 Speaker 2: when you have somebody who is combative right that you 54 00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:27,921 Speaker 2: can't communicate with. But at the end of the day, 55 00:02:28,201 --> 00:02:30,401 Speaker 2: speaking up is never about what the other person says. 56 00:02:30,721 --> 00:02:32,881 Speaker 2: It's not about how they react, how they respond. It's 57 00:02:32,881 --> 00:02:35,321 Speaker 2: about you proving to yourself that you are worth voicing 58 00:02:35,441 --> 00:02:38,201 Speaker 2: what is important to you and what you truly believe 59 00:02:38,281 --> 00:02:39,921 Speaker 2: is right in the world. And I think if you 60 00:02:39,921 --> 00:02:42,361 Speaker 2: can teach her that lesson from a really young age, 61 00:02:42,721 --> 00:02:45,561 Speaker 2: I think that will benefit her long into her adult years, 62 00:02:45,921 --> 00:02:47,960 Speaker 2: where she's not going to look for the approval or 63 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,241 Speaker 2: the other person to agree with what she's saying, but 64 00:02:50,281 --> 00:02:52,481 Speaker 2: for her to actually feel strong enough in her voice 65 00:02:52,481 --> 00:02:55,001 Speaker 2: to go this fucking matters. This is important to me. 66 00:02:55,081 --> 00:02:57,041 Speaker 2: And also, you're somebody that I love, and I see 67 00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,041 Speaker 2: that you're doing something else wrong. 68 00:02:58,281 --> 00:03:00,841 Speaker 1: Yeah, and even if he does tell her off or 69 00:03:00,841 --> 00:03:03,120 Speaker 1: tell it to mind her own business, you can then 70 00:03:03,161 --> 00:03:05,561 Speaker 1: reassure her that yeare, regardless of what he says, that 71 00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:07,561 Speaker 1: she's done the right thing by being honest and using 72 00:03:07,561 --> 00:03:10,800 Speaker 1: her voice. And also, it's pretty cool if your eight 73 00:03:10,881 --> 00:03:12,761 Speaker 1: year old's holding you to a higher standard to be 74 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,240 Speaker 1: a better man. Yeah, take a look in the mirror. Yeah, 75 00:03:15,441 --> 00:03:17,481 Speaker 1: eight year old's pulling you up on this. Yeh wow. 76 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,121 Speaker 1: I also think it wouldn't be a bad idea, Like 77 00:03:20,121 --> 00:03:22,361 Speaker 1: I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes. I 78 00:03:22,401 --> 00:03:24,961 Speaker 1: think I probably would take the path of say it 79 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,241 Speaker 1: was Steve and I and where we were broken up 80 00:03:26,281 --> 00:03:28,000 Speaker 1: and this was happening. I think I probably would contact 81 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,721 Speaker 1: him and say, this is what our daughter's noticed. She 82 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,481 Speaker 1: wants to come to you. She's really scared, she thinks 83 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:36,041 Speaker 1: it's wrong what she's seen, and I've encouraged her to 84 00:03:36,081 --> 00:03:38,281 Speaker 1: have a conversation with you. Can you hold her in this? 85 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,881 Speaker 1: Please try not to be aggressive to her, because it's 86 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,801 Speaker 1: really good that she's wanting to speak up, but she's 87 00:03:42,881 --> 00:03:45,641 Speaker 1: scared of you. I would think most fathers would be like, fuck, 88 00:03:45,641 --> 00:03:47,401 Speaker 1: I don't want my daughter being scared of me. Yeah, 89 00:03:47,401 --> 00:03:49,761 Speaker 1: and shit, she's caught me out, you know. I an't 90 00:03:49,761 --> 00:03:51,401 Speaker 1: they going to handle this? Yeah, but I think pre 91 00:03:51,521 --> 00:03:53,521 Speaker 1: amping it so that he isn't put on the spot 92 00:03:53,521 --> 00:03:56,001 Speaker 1: then and gets really angry at the daughter because she 93 00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,041 Speaker 1: doesn't deserve that either. 94 00:03:57,241 --> 00:04:00,001 Speaker 2: She doesn't get the immediate reaction, mediate reaction. 95 00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:02,721 Speaker 1: That could come across very aggressive. So he's got a 96 00:04:02,721 --> 00:04:05,321 Speaker 1: bit of warning to think about how he's going to approach. Yes, 97 00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,801 Speaker 1: and then you as the mum, just keep reassuring that 98 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,441 Speaker 1: your daughter that she's doing the right thing and she's 99 00:04:10,441 --> 00:04:12,201 Speaker 1: done an amazing job, and good on her for using 100 00:04:12,241 --> 00:04:14,361 Speaker 1: her voice. And then also say, gosh, if you ever 101 00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:16,561 Speaker 1: notice anything that I'm doing that doesn't feel right for you, 102 00:04:16,561 --> 00:04:18,681 Speaker 1: you can always bring this into me. I love that 103 00:04:18,761 --> 00:04:21,281 Speaker 1: you do this, you know, really like amp her up 104 00:04:21,281 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 1: and encourage her because much if she can be a 105 00:04:23,521 --> 00:04:26,201 Speaker 1: leader and a trial blazer and being honest and vulnerable 106 00:04:26,241 --> 00:04:28,161 Speaker 1: and powerful in her own voice and sticking up for 107 00:04:28,161 --> 00:04:31,121 Speaker 1: what she believes in, that's incredible. That is incredible. 108 00:04:31,201 --> 00:04:34,121 Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's also cool that you can show her 109 00:04:34,161 --> 00:04:36,361 Speaker 2: that you're also open to growth as well, because you're 110 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,401 Speaker 2: teaching her by saying this, like what you just said. 111 00:04:38,921 --> 00:04:40,601 Speaker 2: If I'm ever doing this, you can let me know. 112 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,481 Speaker 2: You're showing her, Hey, it's okay to take accountability if 113 00:04:43,561 --> 00:04:46,041 Speaker 2: something's not right, or you're doing something that doesn't feel good, 114 00:04:46,201 --> 00:04:48,361 Speaker 2: or you know, it's okay to pull people up on 115 00:04:48,401 --> 00:04:51,081 Speaker 2: their mistakes or you wanting to encourage them to be 116 00:04:51,121 --> 00:04:53,320 Speaker 2: a better human. You're teaching her that it's safe to 117 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,561 Speaker 2: do that, and you're also showing her what it looks 118 00:04:55,601 --> 00:04:57,681 Speaker 2: like for a human to be willing to receive that 119 00:04:57,761 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 2: as well. That's also going to teach her really powerful 120 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:00,840 Speaker 2: skills when she's older. 121 00:05:00,921 --> 00:05:02,841 Speaker 1: Yeah, just as we are pulling our kids up when 122 00:05:02,841 --> 00:05:04,881 Speaker 1: they're not doing the right thing. Yeah, and they get 123 00:05:04,921 --> 00:05:07,001 Speaker 1: to certain age, like Taj will pull me up sometimes 124 00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:09,121 Speaker 1: if I'm like, Taji, let's not raise our voice. That's 125 00:05:09,121 --> 00:05:11,241 Speaker 1: not KINDI He's like, well you did last week, Like 126 00:05:11,281 --> 00:05:13,161 Speaker 1: you're right, and I'm so sorry for that. It's the 127 00:05:13,161 --> 00:05:15,081 Speaker 1: opportunity for me to own my stuff and be like, gosh, 128 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,121 Speaker 1: I should have breathed more, or next time I'm going 129 00:05:17,161 --> 00:05:19,041 Speaker 1: to do this, and it shows them it's human to 130 00:05:19,041 --> 00:05:20,961 Speaker 1: make mistakes but also to like clean up her own 131 00:05:21,001 --> 00:05:24,081 Speaker 1: late So it's really cool. She sounds super emotionally intelligent, 132 00:05:24,121 --> 00:05:25,921 Speaker 1: which just props to you as a mum as well. Yeah, 133 00:05:25,961 --> 00:05:28,361 Speaker 1: that's amazing. Yeah, I would get in contact with your ex, 134 00:05:28,641 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: pre warn him and then encourage your daughter to have 135 00:05:30,561 --> 00:05:33,121 Speaker 1: the conversation. It's crazy she knows what Tinder is. I 136 00:05:33,161 --> 00:05:34,961 Speaker 1: don't know if Taj would know what Tinder is. And 137 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,401 Speaker 1: it is interesting, yeah, an eight year old. But maybe 138 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,200 Speaker 1: because they're both single, they've spoken about dating apps and 139 00:05:40,521 --> 00:05:42,761 Speaker 1: now mummy's single, daddy single, Well he's not, he's got 140 00:05:42,761 --> 00:05:43,201 Speaker 1: a girlfriend. 141 00:05:43,281 --> 00:05:45,841 Speaker 2: But all she did say that they're super open about 142 00:05:45,841 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 2: anything that she's curious about, so they probably had so 143 00:05:48,041 --> 00:05:48,961 Speaker 2: cautions about it. 144 00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,041 Speaker 1: Yeah, not a bad thing to teach them all about 145 00:05:51,241 --> 00:05:53,521 Speaker 1: how people date these days, I suppose because they're going 146 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,681 Speaker 1: into that world when they're older. That's true back in 147 00:05:55,761 --> 00:06:00,401 Speaker 1: my day dating apps, but it's very what people do. Yeah, 148 00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:02,161 Speaker 1: I would love an update if you ever feel like 149 00:06:02,201 --> 00:06:03,961 Speaker 1: bringing it back in. What did you end up doing, 150 00:06:04,001 --> 00:06:06,601 Speaker 1: how did he respond? How did your daughter handle it? 151 00:06:07,001 --> 00:06:08,121 Speaker 1: But yeah, cool submission. 152 00:06:08,161 --> 00:06:10,520 Speaker 2: It's such a cool opportunity this as well for you 153 00:06:10,561 --> 00:06:12,801 Speaker 2: to heal the part of you that is potentially still 154 00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:15,121 Speaker 2: wanting to avoid conflict. Yeah, you know, the part of 155 00:06:15,121 --> 00:06:17,681 Speaker 2: you that maybe doesn't feel comfortable for you to speak up, for. 156 00:06:17,641 --> 00:06:18,961 Speaker 1: You to say something out, You know what I mean. 157 00:06:19,001 --> 00:06:21,161 Speaker 2: It's like you can rewrite this story and as this 158 00:06:21,241 --> 00:06:23,321 Speaker 2: lesson for your daughter for yourself as well, which is 159 00:06:23,361 --> 00:06:25,641 Speaker 2: a really beautiful thing. I think as women we can 160 00:06:25,721 --> 00:06:29,361 Speaker 2: always work on being stronger in our voice because it's 161 00:06:29,361 --> 00:06:32,681 Speaker 2: something we really struggle with, let's be honest, and something 162 00:06:32,721 --> 00:06:35,801 Speaker 2: that we feel is not necessarily a strong point unless 163 00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:37,441 Speaker 2: we actively work on it. How do you want to 164 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,241 Speaker 2: be a role model for your daughter? Do you want 165 00:06:39,281 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 2: to be able to be confident in your voice and 166 00:06:41,241 --> 00:06:43,761 Speaker 2: feel certain about the things that are important to you 167 00:06:43,841 --> 00:06:45,881 Speaker 2: and be willing to stand up for what you believe in? 168 00:06:46,041 --> 00:06:47,841 Speaker 2: And are you going to emulate that for your daughter 169 00:06:47,921 --> 00:06:49,041 Speaker 2: to witness into. 170 00:06:49,001 --> 00:06:51,881 Speaker 1: Takes practice to have the opportunity to practice that. Yeah, 171 00:06:51,921 --> 00:06:53,241 Speaker 1: thank you so much for your submission. 172 00:06:53,281 --> 00:06:54,441 Speaker 2: Alright, you will see you on the next one. 173 00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:56,641 Speaker 1: And also, if you guys have a submission, feel free 174 00:06:56,641 --> 00:06:59,201 Speaker 1: to drop it in. Just join our Facebook forum. She rises, 175 00:06:59,561 --> 00:07:01,201 Speaker 1: and the link is in there. Otherwise she just said 176 00:07:01,241 --> 00:07:02,960 Speaker 1: DM on Instagram, we can send you the link directly 177 00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:03,121 Speaker 1: in it. 178 00:07:03,241 --> 00:07:09,320 Speaker 2: Absolutely we've got all the advice for we do. Thanks guys, Bye,