WEBVTT - 274. Flashback Friday - How to Have Hard Conversations Without Losing Your Cool

0:00:05.881 --> 0:00:07.281
<v Speaker 1>Appogiae Production.

0:00:10.921 --> 0:00:14.081
<v Speaker 2>Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy and I'm Tiana.

0:00:14.361 --> 0:00:15.201
<v Speaker 1>This podcast is.

0:00:15.201 --> 0:00:18.761
<v Speaker 3>About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,

0:00:18.801 --> 0:00:20.841
<v Speaker 3>and most authentic version of yourself.

0:00:20.961 --> 0:00:23.320
<v Speaker 2>We help you shed the shame grow to a new level.

0:00:23.321 --> 0:00:25.641
<v Speaker 2>We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics

0:00:25.881 --> 0:00:27.801
<v Speaker 2>everyone else is too afraid to talk about.

0:00:28.401 --> 0:00:30.801
<v Speaker 1>Get ready for your next level of self.

0:00:32.201 --> 0:00:34.801
<v Speaker 2>All right, let's get straight into it. So we're going

0:00:34.841 --> 0:00:37.840
<v Speaker 2>to talk about how to deal with conflict. Like I

0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:40.280
<v Speaker 2>said before, this is something all of us have to

0:00:40.321 --> 0:00:43.641
<v Speaker 2>deal with, whether it's with your partner, friendships, co workers,

0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:48.161
<v Speaker 2>people on the street, literally anyone. So I want to

0:00:48.241 --> 0:00:50.641
<v Speaker 2>talk about a podcast I listened to the other day

0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:55.081
<v Speaker 2>with Stephen Bartlett. And his name was Jefferson Fisher, and

0:00:55.281 --> 0:00:59.081
<v Speaker 2>he is a lawyer, and his dad was a lawyer,

0:00:59.081 --> 0:01:00.881
<v Speaker 2>and his grandpa was a lawyer, and they've really hard

0:01:00.921 --> 0:01:03.441
<v Speaker 2>to learn how to communicate because a court battle you

0:01:03.481 --> 0:01:05.921
<v Speaker 2>have to know how to communicate properly in effect, and

0:01:06.001 --> 0:01:08.921
<v Speaker 2>be quick on your feet and understand other humans and

0:01:09.001 --> 0:01:12.961
<v Speaker 2>human psychology and read body language. And he was really

0:01:12.961 --> 0:01:15.521
<v Speaker 2>really great, but he said just one thing that really

0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:17.161
<v Speaker 2>stood out for me, and it was like a three

0:01:17.401 --> 0:01:22.920
<v Speaker 2>step process when someone attacks you. So someone's color at you. Yeah,

0:01:22.961 --> 0:01:26.481
<v Speaker 2>it was really really powerful. So the first step is

0:01:26.761 --> 0:01:34.081
<v Speaker 2>so say something nasty to me, really nasty, you're a bitch? Sorry?

0:01:34.081 --> 0:01:35.200
<v Speaker 2>Can you just repeat that for me?

0:01:35.521 --> 0:01:36.121
<v Speaker 3>You're a bitch?

0:01:37.321 --> 0:01:39.801
<v Speaker 2>Thank you thanks to letting me know that. So the

0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:43.321
<v Speaker 2>first step is to breathe, because when you breathe one,

0:01:43.321 --> 0:01:47.961
<v Speaker 2>you're calming down your nervous system. It's telling your body

0:01:47.961 --> 0:01:49.761
<v Speaker 2>that it's safe. It's just words. A tiger's not going

0:01:49.801 --> 0:01:53.441
<v Speaker 2>to attack you. It also allows space for it to land,

0:01:54.121 --> 0:01:56.441
<v Speaker 2>So it allows space for the person's attacked you to

0:01:56.521 --> 0:01:57.361
<v Speaker 2>realize what they've said.

0:01:57.361 --> 0:01:57.800
<v Speaker 3>Holy fuck.

0:01:57.801 --> 0:02:00.121
<v Speaker 2>If I just said that and then asking them to

0:02:00.161 --> 0:02:02.921
<v Speaker 2>repeat it, they don't want to say it again. No,

0:02:03.041 --> 0:02:05.641
<v Speaker 2>they fucking know what they're saying is not right, not nice.

0:02:06.161 --> 0:02:08.321
<v Speaker 2>So getting them to say it again, he said, a

0:02:08.361 --> 0:02:09.921
<v Speaker 2>lot of the time they go, oh, I didn't mean

0:02:09.961 --> 0:02:12.721
<v Speaker 2>to say that, or you're a bitch. If they say

0:02:12.721 --> 0:02:15.761
<v Speaker 2>it again with ease, you're thanking them. You're thanking them

0:02:15.841 --> 0:02:18.881
<v Speaker 2>for showing you who they are, where they're at, and

0:02:18.921 --> 0:02:21.440
<v Speaker 2>how little respect they have for you. Oh shit, you're

0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:24.361
<v Speaker 2>not going to give time and energy trying to have

0:02:24.401 --> 0:02:26.481
<v Speaker 2>a conversation with someone that has made up their mind

0:02:26.520 --> 0:02:28.601
<v Speaker 2>about you and that does not know how to have

0:02:28.641 --> 0:02:32.241
<v Speaker 2>an effective conversation. Wow, So it's breathe, let it land,

0:02:32.481 --> 0:02:34.561
<v Speaker 2>allow it to be there, ask them to repeat it,

0:02:35.001 --> 0:02:35.720
<v Speaker 2>and then thank them.

0:02:36.721 --> 0:02:39.240
<v Speaker 1>Wow. That at the end of the episode, that's all

0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:39.561
<v Speaker 1>you need.

0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:44.161
<v Speaker 2>So powerful. Whereas most of the time if someone attacks us,

0:02:44.641 --> 0:02:47.001
<v Speaker 2>our nervous system thinks we're getting attacked and we have

0:02:47.081 --> 0:02:49.281
<v Speaker 2>to run or react and bite back, and then we

0:02:49.321 --> 0:02:52.041
<v Speaker 2>normally say something we don't mean. It's just this back

0:02:52.041 --> 0:02:54.721
<v Speaker 2>and forth fight that we get into that doesn't solve anything.

0:02:55.641 --> 0:02:58.321
<v Speaker 2>But that big breath is just so powerful, and we

0:02:58.401 --> 0:03:01.161
<v Speaker 2>forget to breathe when we're in that heightened state. It's true,

0:03:01.161 --> 0:03:02.641
<v Speaker 2>and then it ends up blowing up. I'm like, what

0:03:02.641 --> 0:03:03.681
<v Speaker 2>the fuck are you fighting about?

0:03:04.081 --> 0:03:04.721
<v Speaker 3>Is this worth it?

0:03:04.841 --> 0:03:07.201
<v Speaker 2>Or if you just think there's no way to resolve

0:03:07.240 --> 0:03:09.201
<v Speaker 2>with that person, then you thank them, you walk away.

0:03:09.520 --> 0:03:12.441
<v Speaker 2>You have your boundary there on standard of how you're

0:03:12.441 --> 0:03:13.800
<v Speaker 2>going to be treated and what you're going to allow

0:03:13.881 --> 0:03:16.241
<v Speaker 2>into your space. No, I won't allow that in my

0:03:16.281 --> 0:03:18.881
<v Speaker 2>space anymore. I'm not going to entertain that you know.

0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:22.081
<v Speaker 3>What a powerful and like simple process. Right, Oh god,

0:03:22.161 --> 0:03:24.561
<v Speaker 3>so good. Even when you said like say something, I

0:03:24.601 --> 0:03:26.240
<v Speaker 3>was like, you're a bitch, and then you like, say

0:03:26.281 --> 0:03:29.081
<v Speaker 3>it again. I had this internal resistance. I was like, yeah, no,

0:03:29.201 --> 0:03:32.201
<v Speaker 3>I know that this is happening in a role play.

0:03:32.641 --> 0:03:34.361
<v Speaker 3>I'm like, oh, I don't want to say it again. No,

0:03:34.601 --> 0:03:37.081
<v Speaker 3>it's so interesting the response that I had. Yeah, and

0:03:37.201 --> 0:03:39.001
<v Speaker 3>you like, can you say that again? I was like,

0:03:39.001 --> 0:03:39.881
<v Speaker 3>oh shit.

0:03:39.881 --> 0:03:41.641
<v Speaker 2>I'm sure if everyone just took a moment, even if

0:03:41.681 --> 0:03:44.241
<v Speaker 2>you pause this podcast now and think of a moment

0:03:44.361 --> 0:03:47.441
<v Speaker 2>that you've done that or someone's come at you, if

0:03:47.441 --> 0:03:49.401
<v Speaker 2>you had to ask them to repeat it, they probably wouldn't,

0:03:49.921 --> 0:03:52.401
<v Speaker 2>or if they did, then it's an easy cut of like,

0:03:52.441 --> 0:03:54.361
<v Speaker 2>we're not going to I'm not going to engage in this. Yeah,

0:03:54.401 --> 0:03:56.161
<v Speaker 2>when you're speaking to me like that and you're throwing

0:03:56.161 --> 0:03:59.081
<v Speaker 2>those attacks at me so easily that you think it's

0:03:59.121 --> 0:04:01.641
<v Speaker 2>okay and acceptable, yeah, no, you don't even have to

0:04:01.681 --> 0:04:04.041
<v Speaker 2>explain that, just thanking thems enough and then you walk

0:04:04.081 --> 0:04:05.241
<v Speaker 2>away what you said.

0:04:05.241 --> 0:04:07.721
<v Speaker 3>The lack of respect part really hit home is like

0:04:07.761 --> 0:04:09.641
<v Speaker 3>if someone is willing to say that to you again

0:04:10.241 --> 0:04:12.801
<v Speaker 3>and be willing to stand in that without correcting themselves.

0:04:12.841 --> 0:04:14.761
<v Speaker 3>It really does highlight to you where they're at and

0:04:14.761 --> 0:04:15.801
<v Speaker 3>how they feel about.

0:04:15.601 --> 0:04:19.881
<v Speaker 2>You literally, and then it leads into if you're wanting

0:04:19.921 --> 0:04:23.841
<v Speaker 2>to resolve conflict and have a an effective kind conversation

0:04:23.961 --> 0:04:25.841
<v Speaker 2>and you ask them to repeat it and they can't,

0:04:26.201 --> 0:04:29.320
<v Speaker 2>then it's like, okay, let's get into really how you're feeling.

0:04:29.641 --> 0:04:32.841
<v Speaker 2>What's underneath that first initial comment I've upset you? Yeah,

0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:34.881
<v Speaker 2>can you please help me understand how I've upset you?

0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:36.960
<v Speaker 2>And get them to talk, get them to explain it,

0:04:37.001 --> 0:04:38.761
<v Speaker 2>go deeper than the surface level reaction.

0:04:38.921 --> 0:04:40.801
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, what caused you to feel that way?

0:04:41.001 --> 0:04:43.681
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so that's kind of how I'm trying to deal

0:04:43.721 --> 0:04:47.080
<v Speaker 2>with conflict these days. Yeah, that's really powerful. And I

0:04:47.081 --> 0:04:50.441
<v Speaker 2>think before you go into any conversation that could be

0:04:51.161 --> 0:04:55.481
<v Speaker 2>conflict and hard and the other person's disregulated or you're justsregulated,

0:04:55.521 --> 0:04:57.121
<v Speaker 2>that's the first thing to do is like check where

0:04:57.121 --> 0:04:59.840
<v Speaker 2>you're actually at. Yeah, don't go into a heavy conversation

0:04:59.880 --> 0:05:02.761
<v Speaker 2>if you're dysregulated. You can be nervous. Of course you're

0:05:02.761 --> 0:05:04.561
<v Speaker 2>going to be a little bit like off center because

0:05:04.561 --> 0:05:08.161
<v Speaker 2>it's unc comfortable, But take some big breaths, going with

0:05:08.201 --> 0:05:12.201
<v Speaker 2>your facts, going with clear clarity of what you're going

0:05:12.201 --> 0:05:14.961
<v Speaker 2>in there for your intentions, the outcome that you want,

0:05:15.001 --> 0:05:17.320
<v Speaker 2>and making sure that you're allowing both people to be heard.

0:05:18.121 --> 0:05:20.400
<v Speaker 2>That's my intention when I go into a hard conversation,

0:05:20.961 --> 0:05:23.401
<v Speaker 2>it's not about being right. Is that resolving this and

0:05:23.481 --> 0:05:25.201
<v Speaker 2>both of us being heard so we can walk away

0:05:25.241 --> 0:05:29.281
<v Speaker 2>feeling we've either made a compromise or we've reconnected even

0:05:29.361 --> 0:05:32.001
<v Speaker 2>if we can't agree or come to a solution. There's

0:05:32.001 --> 0:05:34.601
<v Speaker 2>no attacking, there's no point in the finger, there's no

0:05:34.761 --> 0:05:37.241
<v Speaker 2>escalating it where it's going to break out relationship or

0:05:37.241 --> 0:05:41.241
<v Speaker 2>bond or trust. But yeah, it's obviously easier than done.

0:05:41.281 --> 0:05:43.521
<v Speaker 2>But I feel like hearing this and having that awareness

0:05:43.561 --> 0:05:45.201
<v Speaker 2>you can go in and do better. And the more

0:05:45.241 --> 0:05:47.561
<v Speaker 2>you practice this, the easier it does get. Yeah, the

0:05:47.561 --> 0:05:49.960
<v Speaker 2>more normal it feels. There's a lot of us.

0:05:50.001 --> 0:05:50.161
<v Speaker 3>I know.

0:05:50.201 --> 0:05:52.440
<v Speaker 2>For me growing up, it was just in a household yelling. Yeah,

0:05:52.521 --> 0:05:54.321
<v Speaker 2>so I felt normal to yell. And then I got

0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:55.841
<v Speaker 2>to a point I was like, this doesn't feel nice

0:05:55.880 --> 0:05:58.121
<v Speaker 2>and I want to have conflict like this. It can

0:05:58.161 --> 0:06:01.121
<v Speaker 2>be done differently. So that's my take on it.

0:06:01.201 --> 0:06:01.601
<v Speaker 3>So good.

0:06:01.641 --> 0:06:02.121
<v Speaker 2>I love that.

0:06:02.161 --> 0:06:03.321
<v Speaker 3>I think there will be a lot of people who

0:06:03.361 --> 0:06:05.801
<v Speaker 3>be able to take that away and go, wow, this

0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:09.080
<v Speaker 3>is something I can actually implement time I can get

0:06:09.201 --> 0:06:10.081
<v Speaker 3>really good at.

0:06:10.880 --> 0:06:13.601
<v Speaker 2>Go write it down like that three step process and

0:06:13.721 --> 0:06:16.400
<v Speaker 2>just remembering to have clarity and an intention behind the

0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:18.681
<v Speaker 2>conversation really important.

0:06:18.801 --> 0:06:21.561
<v Speaker 3>It's a huge thing, isn't it. Conflict is an interesting thing.

0:06:22.401 --> 0:06:24.481
<v Speaker 3>It can be such a challenging thing to want to face.

0:06:24.521 --> 0:06:25.801
<v Speaker 3>And I know a lot of us tend to like

0:06:25.880 --> 0:06:31.200
<v Speaker 3>avoid shy away from run and just like really don't enjoy. Yes,

0:06:31.361 --> 0:06:34.041
<v Speaker 3>we really don't enjoy the discomfort that comes up with

0:06:34.081 --> 0:06:37.361
<v Speaker 3>having to confront someone. And I know, like a lot

0:06:37.361 --> 0:06:39.520
<v Speaker 3>of the times it does stem from you know, wanting

0:06:39.561 --> 0:06:41.841
<v Speaker 3>to preserve that relationship.

0:06:41.281 --> 0:06:42.601
<v Speaker 2>Soon be abandoned, you know.

0:06:42.841 --> 0:06:45.121
<v Speaker 3>And this is something we even spoke about earlier this morning,

0:06:45.201 --> 0:06:47.320
<v Speaker 3>where it was like it's really important to get clear

0:06:47.361 --> 0:06:49.401
<v Speaker 3>on what your goal is with your relationship, Like it

0:06:49.401 --> 0:06:51.881
<v Speaker 3>doesn't matter whether it's conflict, a fight, or something that

0:06:51.921 --> 0:06:54.241
<v Speaker 3>you're not okay with. This is how I like to

0:06:54.281 --> 0:06:56.880
<v Speaker 3>do it, is to like think about what your actual

0:06:56.921 --> 0:06:59.520
<v Speaker 3>goal and intention is for the friendship or the relationship

0:06:59.961 --> 0:07:02.121
<v Speaker 3>and then go, Okay, what's my best case scenario outcome?

0:07:02.161 --> 0:07:05.041
<v Speaker 3>What do I want for this. Do I want to prison?

0:07:05.641 --> 0:07:08.881
<v Speaker 3>Do I want to build? Do I want to keep

0:07:08.961 --> 0:07:11.721
<v Speaker 3>this friendship really close and type or this relationship and

0:07:11.801 --> 0:07:15.441
<v Speaker 3>nurture it, Because that's when you'll get your answer, because

0:07:15.601 --> 0:07:17.761
<v Speaker 3>when you want to do those things, you've got to

0:07:17.801 --> 0:07:21.281
<v Speaker 3>be willing to have hard conversations in order to nurture it.

0:07:21.601 --> 0:07:24.681
<v Speaker 3>Do people actually have the opposite perspective? People think if

0:07:24.721 --> 0:07:26.241
<v Speaker 3>I bring this up to them, I'm going to push

0:07:26.241 --> 0:07:29.081
<v Speaker 3>them away. And it's not to say that it doesn't happen,

0:07:29.201 --> 0:07:31.801
<v Speaker 3>because it does. Some people can't hold you in it.

0:07:32.281 --> 0:07:34.161
<v Speaker 3>But there are going to be times with the right

0:07:34.201 --> 0:07:36.641
<v Speaker 3>people who when you bring things in it's going to

0:07:36.681 --> 0:07:39.401
<v Speaker 3>bring you closer. And so you've got to be willing

0:07:39.441 --> 0:07:42.681
<v Speaker 3>to check with yourself around what your intention is and

0:07:42.721 --> 0:07:45.441
<v Speaker 3>whether you know this potential little tif that you're about

0:07:45.441 --> 0:07:48.681
<v Speaker 3>to have is worth you being able to create deeper

0:07:48.681 --> 0:07:51.201
<v Speaker 3>connection in the future, which the ninety nine point nine

0:07:51.201 --> 0:07:54.041
<v Speaker 3>percent of the time it always is. And I think

0:07:54.041 --> 0:07:55.401
<v Speaker 3>that's something to just keep in mind.

0:07:55.561 --> 0:07:58.161
<v Speaker 2>I love that. Another thing I learned a couple of

0:07:58.201 --> 0:08:00.601
<v Speaker 2>weeks ago from Steve was there was something that happened

0:08:00.961 --> 0:08:03.601
<v Speaker 2>that fell back on my name even though I had

0:08:03.641 --> 0:08:07.801
<v Speaker 2>nothing to do with And I really was expecting and

0:08:07.841 --> 0:08:10.681
<v Speaker 2>hoping this person would come to me and apologize because

0:08:10.721 --> 0:08:12.761
<v Speaker 2>I kind of had to take the flack of it. Yeah,

0:08:12.801 --> 0:08:15.521
<v Speaker 2>And I didn't want to go in asking for that.

0:08:15.881 --> 0:08:17.961
<v Speaker 2>I didn't want to go in to feel attacked, so

0:08:18.041 --> 0:08:20.601
<v Speaker 2>I just decided to avoid and sweet and Steve was like,

0:08:20.641 --> 0:08:23.281
<v Speaker 2>why don't you lead in there with curiosity? I was like,

0:08:23.281 --> 0:08:25.881
<v Speaker 2>but how He's like, well, I would personally go and

0:08:26.001 --> 0:08:27.801
<v Speaker 2>be like, oh my gosh, how are you da, da,

0:08:28.321 --> 0:08:30.361
<v Speaker 2>how's about that thing that happened? How did you feel?

0:08:30.361 --> 0:08:31.681
<v Speaker 2>Because I haven't had the chance to speak to you

0:08:31.681 --> 0:08:33.761
<v Speaker 2>about it yet? And I was like, wow, that is

0:08:34.001 --> 0:08:37.041
<v Speaker 2>such an easy solution, genius, because I'm like, you're not

0:08:37.041 --> 0:08:39.721
<v Speaker 2>going in there attacking, You're not going there demanding or criticizing.

0:08:39.721 --> 0:08:42.121
<v Speaker 2>You're saying, hey, what came up for you? And it

0:08:42.121 --> 0:08:44.641
<v Speaker 2>just opens the conversation to have this conversation of like,

0:08:45.081 --> 0:08:48.201
<v Speaker 2>holy shit, yeah shit went down, Yeah fuck, I'm sorry

0:08:48.201 --> 0:08:49.721
<v Speaker 2>about that. Oh gosh, I don't know how I feel

0:08:49.721 --> 0:08:51.841
<v Speaker 2>about it. And you can see where they're at and

0:08:51.881 --> 0:08:54.001
<v Speaker 2>you'll be able to gauge and then lead the conversation

0:08:54.081 --> 0:08:56.881
<v Speaker 2>from there. I was like, Wow, that's really cool. Have

0:08:56.961 --> 0:08:59.721
<v Speaker 2>I had the conversation yet, Not yet, but I will

0:08:59.761 --> 0:09:00.081
<v Speaker 2>get to that.

0:09:00.241 --> 0:09:02.881
<v Speaker 1>It was a great idea. It was a great idea. Yeah,

0:09:02.921 --> 0:09:03.961
<v Speaker 1>this is yes, and I'm going to put out the

0:09:03.961 --> 0:09:04.961
<v Speaker 1>bottom of my to do list.

0:09:05.281 --> 0:09:08.001
<v Speaker 2>It's like, you know, it's amazing and I would definitely

0:09:08.121 --> 0:09:10.841
<v Speaker 2>use that. And now it's me being brave enough to

0:09:11.001 --> 0:09:13.081
<v Speaker 2>lean in and actually have that conversation. I did it

0:09:13.121 --> 0:09:15.561
<v Speaker 2>yesterday's too. You put me up to something. Yeah, You're like,

0:09:15.601 --> 0:09:18.481
<v Speaker 2>you're avoiding, you're avoiding. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I know,

0:09:18.521 --> 0:09:20.121
<v Speaker 2>but it's done on the person feeling I'm comfortable and

0:09:20.121 --> 0:09:22.121
<v Speaker 2>I don't want them feeling stressed about this. And da

0:09:22.161 --> 0:09:24.081
<v Speaker 2>no D You're like, yeah, but you're avoiding it. Yeah,

0:09:24.241 --> 0:09:25.681
<v Speaker 2>it's not the point of it. You need to go

0:09:25.801 --> 0:09:28.521
<v Speaker 2>in and you love this person, you have respect for them,

0:09:28.521 --> 0:09:31.841
<v Speaker 2>and you want to preserve that relationship. You value transparency,

0:09:32.641 --> 0:09:33.201
<v Speaker 2>do the thing.

0:09:33.321 --> 0:09:33.961
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:09:34.121 --> 0:09:37.241
<v Speaker 2>I did it last night. It was as scary as

0:09:37.401 --> 0:09:39.601
<v Speaker 2>what it was. And we have to also look within

0:09:39.681 --> 0:09:41.561
<v Speaker 2>of why we're doing that. So for me, it's I'm

0:09:41.681 --> 0:09:46.041
<v Speaker 2>scared of being abandoned. I want to give and provide

0:09:46.081 --> 0:09:47.681
<v Speaker 2>and save and do all these things because I think

0:09:47.681 --> 0:09:49.401
<v Speaker 2>that that's how people love me, and it's a passion

0:09:49.441 --> 0:09:51.761
<v Speaker 2>of mine. So I get scared if I speak up

0:09:51.921 --> 0:09:54.681
<v Speaker 2>or I don't provide or I don't do something like that,

0:09:54.681 --> 0:09:56.041
<v Speaker 2>that they're going to leave or they're not going to

0:09:56.081 --> 0:09:58.441
<v Speaker 2>love me. I know it's not the truth, but it's

0:09:58.761 --> 0:10:01.801
<v Speaker 2>rewinding my brain and having the experiences and evidence that

0:10:01.841 --> 0:10:04.681
<v Speaker 2>it's safe to speak up and have those conversations. And

0:10:04.761 --> 0:10:07.001
<v Speaker 2>it's also good practice for me because it's how I

0:10:07.081 --> 0:10:10.121
<v Speaker 2>delivered the conversation is where it's gonna matter. Yeah, you

0:10:10.161 --> 0:10:11.321
<v Speaker 2>know it's a big part of it.

0:10:11.441 --> 0:10:13.921
<v Speaker 3>Yes, it's a cool thing that the delivery is the

0:10:13.921 --> 0:10:15.801
<v Speaker 3>big part because it's like, because we make it such

0:10:15.801 --> 0:10:17.561
<v Speaker 3>a big thing in our heads, we go, oh, this

0:10:17.641 --> 0:10:19.681
<v Speaker 3>has to be such a huge conversation. You need to

0:10:19.681 --> 0:10:21.961
<v Speaker 3>sit down for two and a half hours and unpack

0:10:22.041 --> 0:10:24.841
<v Speaker 3>this and dissect it as opposed to something that's really

0:10:24.881 --> 0:10:28.041
<v Speaker 3>benefited me. And like, I could never have hard conversations

0:10:28.041 --> 0:10:30.601
<v Speaker 3>before I was the biggest people pleaser. I would avoid everything.

0:10:31.041 --> 0:10:33.041
<v Speaker 3>And then it got to a point where I'm like, Okay,

0:10:33.281 --> 0:10:35.481
<v Speaker 3>how can I have this conversation in the most casual

0:10:35.561 --> 0:10:38.561
<v Speaker 3>way possible? Yes? How can I keep it light? Yeah?

0:10:38.721 --> 0:10:41.281
<v Speaker 3>Just a casual conversation. And I think something that's really

0:10:41.321 --> 0:10:43.721
<v Speaker 3>helped me, which was really hard thing to do it first,

0:10:43.721 --> 0:10:48.121
<v Speaker 3>actually was to think about the other person first in

0:10:48.161 --> 0:10:50.761
<v Speaker 3>any given situation. And I'm not saying that I'm perfect

0:10:50.801 --> 0:10:53.121
<v Speaker 3>to this by any maintance. My last relationship I really

0:10:53.121 --> 0:10:56.161
<v Speaker 3>struggled with this, but in friendships and stuff like that,

0:10:56.241 --> 0:11:00.361
<v Speaker 3>I think immediately hearing, validating and acknowledging what the other

0:11:00.401 --> 0:11:04.601
<v Speaker 3>person is feeling or going through immediately creates connection and

0:11:04.641 --> 0:11:07.881
<v Speaker 3>safety because you're like, hey, fucking here for you, in

0:11:07.921 --> 0:11:11.041
<v Speaker 3>this with you, and regardless of how I'm feeling right now,

0:11:11.161 --> 0:11:12.601
<v Speaker 3>like I just want you to know I see you.

0:11:12.761 --> 0:11:13.161
<v Speaker 2>Yes.

0:11:13.201 --> 0:11:16.521
<v Speaker 3>And I think that in itself creates this. I can

0:11:16.601 --> 0:11:21.321
<v Speaker 3>like breathe an exhale and relax and then immediately you

0:11:21.441 --> 0:11:24.361
<v Speaker 3>get the best of them because you've given the best

0:11:24.361 --> 0:11:26.721
<v Speaker 3>of you. And I think so that kind of like

0:11:27.121 --> 0:11:30.281
<v Speaker 3>that selfless act in that moment to go, yeah, I'm

0:11:30.321 --> 0:11:32.881
<v Speaker 3>going to lean into you first instead of expecting you

0:11:32.921 --> 0:11:36.041
<v Speaker 3>to lean into me. Then we will create the cycle

0:11:36.081 --> 0:11:38.001
<v Speaker 3>of creating that safety for each other.

0:11:38.121 --> 0:11:39.321
<v Speaker 2>Oh, I absolutely love that.

0:11:39.561 --> 0:11:41.521
<v Speaker 3>There's actually a really good book that I would recommend.

0:11:41.561 --> 0:11:45.001
<v Speaker 3>It's called nonviolent communication. I'm not actually sure who it's by,

0:11:45.081 --> 0:11:47.161
<v Speaker 3>but if you type it up, it'll come up. This

0:11:47.481 --> 0:11:50.801
<v Speaker 3>helped me find a really simple framework of being able

0:11:50.801 --> 0:11:54.281
<v Speaker 3>to have nonviolent communication in any high conflict situation.

0:11:54.481 --> 0:11:55.481
<v Speaker 2>Or I love a good framework.

0:11:55.561 --> 0:11:58.201
<v Speaker 3>And so it was like a simple three step process

0:11:58.241 --> 0:12:03.761
<v Speaker 3>something like fact, feeling, and resolution. So what did that before? Yeah,

0:12:03.881 --> 0:12:05.881
<v Speaker 3>I made my own kind of of it. It's like

0:12:05.881 --> 0:12:08.041
<v Speaker 3>a five step process. It has those in it, but

0:12:08.121 --> 0:12:10.721
<v Speaker 3>in my own way and added steps I think are

0:12:10.721 --> 0:12:13.681
<v Speaker 3>really beneficial that have really helped my clients. But this

0:12:13.881 --> 0:12:17.481
<v Speaker 3>simple process is whenever you're going into a situation, before

0:12:17.521 --> 0:12:20.481
<v Speaker 3>you communicate, go in with a plan. Never go in

0:12:20.761 --> 0:12:23.921
<v Speaker 3>on an emotional high, when you're dysregulated and your guns

0:12:23.961 --> 0:12:27.081
<v Speaker 3>are blazing and you're ready to throw hands. Right, write

0:12:27.081 --> 0:12:29.121
<v Speaker 3>it down on a piece of paper, what the facts

0:12:29.161 --> 0:12:33.961
<v Speaker 3>are of the situation. So what specifically happened for this

0:12:34.081 --> 0:12:35.281
<v Speaker 3>to create this problem?

0:12:35.601 --> 0:12:35.801
<v Speaker 2>Right?

0:12:36.001 --> 0:12:40.361
<v Speaker 3>Not how you feel, but what happened this person didn't

0:12:40.361 --> 0:12:43.881
<v Speaker 3>do the dishes? And then you go into kate. Once

0:12:43.921 --> 0:12:45.921
<v Speaker 3>you've got the facts, you then go into the feeling.

0:12:46.281 --> 0:12:50.081
<v Speaker 3>How did when XYZ happen? How did that make me feel?

0:12:50.561 --> 0:12:53.721
<v Speaker 3>And not I feel xyz because he did blah blah blah.

0:12:53.761 --> 0:12:57.201
<v Speaker 3>It's in that moment. I felt unsafe in that moment,

0:12:57.281 --> 0:13:01.481
<v Speaker 3>I felt disrespected. In that moment, I felt dismissed. Those

0:13:01.441 --> 0:13:04.321
<v Speaker 3>would be good examples, and then you go into resolution

0:13:04.761 --> 0:13:07.441
<v Speaker 3>instead intead of saying to the other person, why didn't

0:13:07.441 --> 0:13:10.081
<v Speaker 3>you fucking do x y Z? You made me feel this,

0:13:10.281 --> 0:13:13.681
<v Speaker 3>you're saying, next time when something like this happens, do

0:13:13.721 --> 0:13:16.281
<v Speaker 3>you think that I could request a view to show

0:13:16.401 --> 0:13:19.721
<v Speaker 3>up as XYZ, so instead of you sitting on the

0:13:19.761 --> 0:13:21.881
<v Speaker 3>lounge and not doing the dishes when you've promised me

0:13:21.921 --> 0:13:25.001
<v Speaker 3>that you would, would you mind next time making sure

0:13:25.001 --> 0:13:27.521
<v Speaker 3>that the dishes are done before I'm home. What you're

0:13:27.561 --> 0:13:30.041
<v Speaker 3>doing is you're looking for the solution, and you're immediately

0:13:30.041 --> 0:13:33.241
<v Speaker 3>going to the solution, as opposed to saying stuck in

0:13:33.281 --> 0:13:35.121
<v Speaker 3>the problem. Oh, I love that.

0:13:35.121 --> 0:13:37.441
<v Speaker 2>That's really cool. I also love what you said before

0:13:37.441 --> 0:13:40.161
<v Speaker 2>about how to make things really casual. Yeah, I remember

0:13:40.481 --> 0:13:44.201
<v Speaker 2>Brian Rees, our first relationship coach. He said, a good

0:13:44.201 --> 0:13:48.401
<v Speaker 2>way to approach, especially a man that is really uncomfortable

0:13:48.401 --> 0:13:51.721
<v Speaker 2>having hard conversations. I suppose anyone who doesn't like hard

0:13:51.761 --> 0:13:53.761
<v Speaker 2>conversations is doing it in the car when they're driving.

0:13:53.921 --> 0:13:56.361
<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, because sometimes when you sit someone down, I've

0:13:56.361 --> 0:13:58.801
<v Speaker 2>got to have a conversation with you, it's immediately wards

0:13:58.801 --> 0:14:01.921
<v Speaker 2>are up, or immediately they're scared, immediately they've shut down

0:14:01.921 --> 0:14:03.601
<v Speaker 2>because I feel like you're going to criticize them they're

0:14:03.641 --> 0:14:06.321
<v Speaker 2>a trouble or what interview it feels like that, or

0:14:06.321 --> 0:14:09.921
<v Speaker 2>in interrogations when you're casually driving, it was like, hey, gosh,

0:14:09.961 --> 0:14:11.721
<v Speaker 2>remember that thing that happened the other day. I don't know,

0:14:11.721 --> 0:14:13.321
<v Speaker 2>I'm just not really sad about that. Do you think

0:14:13.361 --> 0:14:15.841
<v Speaker 2>I'm up for you? And because they're driving, they know

0:14:15.921 --> 0:14:18.401
<v Speaker 2>you're there, they're present because they're driving, But it just

0:14:18.441 --> 0:14:21.521
<v Speaker 2>takes away that intensity. Yes, it allows it to be

0:14:21.561 --> 0:14:24.041
<v Speaker 2>more a casual, flowy conversation. You'll find the person will

0:14:24.081 --> 0:14:26.601
<v Speaker 2>open up a lot more. And I use this technique

0:14:26.641 --> 0:14:28.401
<v Speaker 2>with Steve for a little while. He's a lot better

0:14:28.521 --> 0:14:31.481
<v Speaker 2>just approaching and having conversations with these days, but back

0:14:31.481 --> 0:14:33.641
<v Speaker 2>when he wasn't, it was a really good tool that

0:14:33.681 --> 0:14:34.801
<v Speaker 2>I could just use.

0:14:35.001 --> 0:14:41.521
<v Speaker 3>Yeah,