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Speaker 1: Apologie production.

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Speaker 2: She rises Twelve Days of Christmas. Welcome back to Twelve

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Speaker 2: Days of Christmas. We are officially on day two. We've

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Speaker 2: got Ashy and Tiana here in the studio for you.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us today. If you missed yesterday, it

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Speaker 1: was all around people pleasing, So if you're a people pleaser,

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Speaker 1: go back and listen to that one. But today's title

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Speaker 1: is Mary fakemus while pretending you're fine is killing connection?

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Speaker 3: Oh, this is a big one.

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Speaker 2: We have this conversation all the time, a real time,

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Speaker 2: just being who you are in the moment, how you feel,

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Speaker 2: and just wearing your heart on your sleeve.

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Speaker 1: It's really tricky though, and we actually a funny episode

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Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago about things women say, what

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Speaker 1: we actually mean and I'm fine, you were definitely not fine.

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Speaker 1: Why can't we normalize? We want to normalize if we're

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Speaker 1: not okay, just to say shit, I'm feeling shit today. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: something happened yesterday and I'm just struggling to shake it.

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Speaker 1: And I'm just sitting in it right now so I

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Speaker 1: can move through it, let it be seen, let us

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Speaker 1: soul away. But if you suppress it, it just gets bigger

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Speaker 1: and fessis, and.

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Speaker 2: You know what, it's so easy to do this, right,

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Speaker 2: We all to some degree walk around with a mask on,

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Speaker 2: don't share our deepest things. You know, it's not the

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Speaker 2: first thing that you don't walk up to the gym

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Speaker 2: and like you dump all your shit on somebody, like

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Speaker 2: my childhood trauma is yeah, yeah, yeah, actually this happened yesterday,

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Speaker 2: So can you hold that or good? Yeah, Like, it's

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Speaker 2: not the first thing that you lead with, but it

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Speaker 2: also sometimes becomes a way of like emotional bypassing all

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Speaker 2: of the things that you're currently carrying and doing, because

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Speaker 2: you kind of get used to sweeping it and parking

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Speaker 2: it and compartmentalizing, you know, especially if you're a business

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Speaker 2: owner or I imagine a mum or somebody who has

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Speaker 2: multiple responsibilities where you can't process shit in the moment.

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Speaker 2: You don't have the luxury to do that, so you

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Speaker 2: have to park it and you leave it for later.

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Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden, you're isolated. You'll stop

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Speaker 2: spending time with your friends as much. You protect other

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Speaker 2: people because you think it's too heavy for them to

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Speaker 2: carry me. Yeah, and then all of a sudden you're like,

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Speaker 2: why don't I fel connected with the people that I

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Speaker 2: want to be connected.

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Speaker 1: With, or connected to yourself. And I know sometimes in

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Speaker 1: the past when I've said I'm fine because I haven't

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Speaker 1: had the space to grieve or process or talk about it.

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Speaker 1: But sometimes I know I don't want to feel it

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Speaker 1: all because i know it's going to feel really heavy,

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Speaker 1: and I'm just like, I don't have the capacity to

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Speaker 1: even hold that for myself, let alone other people. But

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Speaker 1: it does destroy connection, It really does, because you've got

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Speaker 1: this invisible wall up and you're pretending to be okay

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Speaker 1: when you're really not whereas a lot of the time,

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Speaker 1: and I always think you should ask for permission and

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Speaker 1: say do you have space to hold this? Of course,

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Speaker 1: nine out of ten times, the people that you love

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Speaker 1: will have space for that.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: We were talking about this the other day, how we

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Speaker 1: feel really sorry for a lot of the men that

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Speaker 1: don't have people to talk to because for us, once

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Speaker 1: we bring something in we'd say we're not fine because

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Speaker 1: of X, Y and Z and da da da. Once

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Speaker 1: we actually talk about it, half the weight has already lifted.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's we're laughing.

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Speaker 3: Like, who resolved. We're on to the next twelve conversation.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, literally, whereas you can see why men's mental health

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Speaker 1: is really struggling because they don't connect and unload and

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Speaker 1: talk like we do. We give metaw reports in every

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Speaker 1: detail about every situation, three nine hundred and eighty six times. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: and we've moved through.

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Speaker 2: It and in the same amount of detail even after

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Speaker 2: the tenth time.

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Speaker 1: Yes, God, it really helps your body to actually get

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Speaker 1: it out. But with men, they don't. They hold so

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Speaker 1: much and they've been brought up that it's a weakness

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Speaker 1: to ask for help or a weakness to cry or

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Speaker 1: you know, just to move on and hold everyone and

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Speaker 1: be the strong man and keep everything together and provide.

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Speaker 1: But there really needs to be a change in that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to not be fine. And we were talking

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Speaker 1: about this on the drive up here. We're not going

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Speaker 1: to feel fine and good and high vibe every single

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Speaker 1: day of the month.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Two weeks out of the month for us women, we

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Speaker 1: feel on fucking fire. Yeah, other two kind of average.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god, I want to be in a cave.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Our hormones are just like, it plays a role

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Speaker 1: in our energy and our clarity and how much we

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Speaker 1: can hold and every single day you need to. And

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Speaker 1: this is what we talk about in our subscription for

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Speaker 1: month one is nervous system regulation. It's like you have

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Speaker 1: to check in every single day to know where you're

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Speaker 1: at and what you're going to be able to hold.

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Speaker 1: I know some days I say this if like I

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Speaker 1: just can't hold a lot today this afternoon, you're on

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Speaker 1: bath duty and I'm going to cook dinner. Yes, need

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Speaker 1: minutes just to be in my own energy. And it's

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Speaker 1: really really learning to check in like you do. You're

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Speaker 1: checking how much what are you drink each day? What

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Speaker 1: kind of nutrients your pad? Where's your nervous system at

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Speaker 1: when you wake up? Yes, it's so important. That's why

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Speaker 1: we did a whole month on it, because everything comes

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Speaker 1: back to where your nervous system's at. It's the most important.

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Speaker 1: You can't even grow and do self development if you're justsregulating.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, you can hear it all, but you're

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Speaker 1: not going to actually start embodying it and integrating it

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Speaker 1: and practicing it until you're regulator.

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Speaker 3: You know what I wish.

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Speaker 2: I wish that I had learned nervous systems oh before

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Speaker 2: I started personal development.

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Speaker 1: The first thing we should all learn, I.

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Speaker 2: Went straight into like ego, shadow work, all that sort

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Speaker 2: of stuff. And when I saw that shit, I was like,

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Speaker 2: I need help. I couldn't regulate myself. I didn't know

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Speaker 2: how to calm myself down.

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Speaker 3: So I'd get to that point.

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Speaker 2: Of like those panic attacks and I'd be like, oh

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Speaker 2: my god, like I actually cannot control this, and I

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Speaker 2: felt so overwhelmed.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I was like what do I do with this now?

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Speaker 1: And you wouldn't think self development would be something that

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Speaker 1: could send you into such a panic. But if you

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Speaker 1: can't regulate, it's too much. Yes, it's too much going

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Speaker 1: on in this head. And your brain can only hold

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Speaker 1: so much information, so much emotions, so much stress that

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Speaker 1: it just it builds. It's like a boiling kettle and

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Speaker 1: the lid comes off.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, keeping yourself regulated. It should be taught in school.

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Speaker 1: That should be a whole subject that every single week

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Speaker 1: they're practicing things, they're teaching them about it, they're understanding

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Speaker 1: what it is in your body tools.

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Speaker 2: I think nervous system would be so powerful learning how

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Speaker 2: to regulate yourself when it comes to connection, right, because

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Speaker 2: when it comes to the things that we're going through,

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Speaker 2: even if we can regulate ourselves a little bit enough

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Speaker 2: to just lean on people for such a causation, because

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Speaker 2: sometimes the conversation is the scary thing. Oh yeah, it's like, well,

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Speaker 2: I'm already harboring all of this hurt and pain and

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Speaker 2: shame already of like the fact that I can't go

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Speaker 2: to people that I love or that I feel like

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Speaker 2: I can't.

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Speaker 3: It's like a now turn illers. Yeah, yes, let alone.

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Speaker 2: To have the conversation and allow somebody to see you

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Speaker 2: in your mess, which is for the most part the

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Speaker 2: scariest thing because we're taught to be perfect and hold

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Speaker 2: it all together and be the strong one and like

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Speaker 2: you know, have a strong foundation or a strong facade even.

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Speaker 1: And then the next thing after that is not only

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Speaker 1: like having awareness of what you've got going on, having

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Speaker 1: the bravery to come in and have the conversation be

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Speaker 1: seen in it. And then also the other person's going

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Speaker 1: to have their experience, so now you have to be

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Speaker 1: regulated enough to hold them as well as holding yourself.

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Speaker 1: And that's parenting one I one as well. Yeah, you

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Speaker 1: think it's all about keeping your kids calm, like a

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Speaker 1: lot of the time, it's actually our stress response. We're

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Speaker 1: not keeping ourselves calm. So how the fuck are you

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Speaker 1: meant to get them calm? How can we teach them?

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Speaker 1: How can we show them if we're not regulating? You know,

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Speaker 1: it's so true, it's so hard, and it's a continuous work,

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Speaker 1: but it is the most important thing. So back to yeah,

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Speaker 1: talking about saying I'm fine when you're not. It is

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Speaker 1: ruining your connection. It is ruining your energy, It is

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Speaker 1: ruining your mood. It is destroying so much that you

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Speaker 1: value and you could be enjoying by just suppressing and

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Speaker 1: pretending that you're all okay.

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Speaker 2: And do you know how much energy it actually takes

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Speaker 2: to suppress the shop you're holding, to put hold, to hold,

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Speaker 2: to put on a fake mask, and to like be here.

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Speaker 2: Let's say, like you know, you're out with your girlfriends

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Speaker 2: and you're having lunch and you trying to show face

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Speaker 2: and smile and hold it together. You go home and

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Speaker 2: all you want to do is cry, literally, because it

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Speaker 2: takes ten times the amount of energy to do that

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Speaker 2: than it does to just be like, hey, I actually

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Speaker 2: just feeling a bit shit today. We can just take

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Speaker 2: it easy today. Boom done, It's over.

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Speaker 1: You feel supported, relax, you breathe, You're nervous, and then

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Speaker 1: your body actually says I'm safe, yes, you know, which

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Speaker 1: is really beautiful.

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Speaker 2: And then also as well, you give you know, this

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Speaker 2: is the biggest thing. We don't give the people we

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Speaker 2: love enough of an opportunity to hold us in the

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Speaker 2: shit that we're going through. So true because a lot

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Speaker 2: of the times, speaking from experience here, I used to

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Speaker 2: be like, nobody understands, nobody gets it, nobody's ever been

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Speaker 2: through what I've been through, and like all these things

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Speaker 2: are like nobody can hold me, but I never gave

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Speaker 2: them the opportunity, yes.

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Speaker 1: To even try.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like, what if we just gave the people

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Speaker 2: we love the opportunity to support us? Yeah, because you

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Speaker 2: will likely feel supported, but it starts with you. And

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Speaker 2: I think when it comes to connection, it really requires

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Speaker 2: a strong level of vulnerability.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah.

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Speaker 2: And sometimes when you are vulnerable, you feel a little

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Speaker 2: bit like you have a vulnerability hangover.

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Speaker 3: You know, you're like, oh, did I share too much?

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Speaker 1: Especially being an anxious girl, You're.

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Speaker 3: Gonna be like, oh my god, they're gonna think I'm

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Speaker 3: a fucking weirdo.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they're gone, yeah my friend.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And it will make you want to lie close up.

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Speaker 2: But if you can resist that urge to close up

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Speaker 2: and you continue leaning in, especially if they've shown you

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Speaker 2: it's safe and they can hold you, Yeah, you will

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Speaker 2: create really beautiful connections.

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Speaker 1: And I like that word hold, not fix. So it

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Speaker 1: is a personal example. Is obviously going through the grief

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Speaker 1: process with Megsie. I've had times where I felt like

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Speaker 1: I'm failing her and I haven't known what to say

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Speaker 1: or what to do. And we had this conversation. It

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Speaker 1: was really really beautiful, and she's like, I didn't need

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Speaker 1: you to say anything. You can't say anything wrong. I

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Speaker 1: just need you to be there. Yeah, I just need

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Speaker 1: you to hold me, just hear me, ask me questions

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Speaker 1: like don't be scared to come to me because and

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Speaker 1: I actually bumped into a friend of ours just talking

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Speaker 1: about this in general. He has shared a story that

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Speaker 1: his friend had lost his son to cancer and his

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Speaker 1: friends didn't know how to hold him in his grief

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Speaker 1: and so they kind of abandoned him. Oh, they because

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Speaker 1: they felt like they were failing him so much. They

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Speaker 1: felt shame around that that they just avoided him. And

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Speaker 1: then with one of his friends came to him, He's like, man,

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to go for a beer with you. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I just needed you to let me talk. I just

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Speaker 1: wanted someone to be there for me. So it's like,

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Speaker 1: even if it's scary to hold someone in their heaviness,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to fix them. They're not broken. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to say the right thing. You just open

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Speaker 1: your palms, open your heart, have some presence and just

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Speaker 1: be there for them. And it is really difficult, Like

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Speaker 1: I remember just crying to make him, just saying like

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Speaker 1: I wish I could do more, I wanted to watch,

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Speaker 1: Like there's nothing more that you need to do or

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Speaker 1: can do, just be And from then it's been you know,

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Speaker 1: it's beautiful, but still super difficult. And whether it's greed

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Speaker 1: for a friendship break like you know your girlfriend's going

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Speaker 1: through an heartbreak or they've lost their job, Like you

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Speaker 1: can't fix that for them, but you can just show

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Speaker 1: up and hold them. And it doesn't even need to

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Speaker 1: be physical. You're not a physical touch person. When we

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Speaker 1: say hold, we don't mean you have to physically hold them,

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Speaker 1: just hold the energy. It's like safety doesn't always mean

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Speaker 1: that someone's gonna hit you. Emotional safety honestly be that

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Speaker 1: it's everything.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And for the most part, sometimes it's just listening.

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Speaker 3: That's holding is listening.

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Speaker 2: It's like not needing to interject, not to say anything,

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Speaker 2: not needing to give advice. It's just I'm listening here

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Speaker 2: and I'm listening, and that honestly goes such a long

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Speaker 2: way because that might invite that person to open up

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Speaker 2: even more. And you know what tends to happen once

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Speaker 2: they start talking, Even if there's a pause, there's always

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Speaker 2: more because they're thinking, they're processing, they're thinking in it,

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Speaker 2: they're in it.

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Speaker 1: Let them go there, let them feel it all. And

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Speaker 1: if you can hold all, they can then move through

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Speaker 1: some of that. And if it's just for that day,

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Speaker 1: you've taken weight off their shoulders. Were just holding it

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Speaker 1: for them.

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Speaker 2: And this is such a powerful thing. Relationships are reciprocal energy.

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Speaker 2: It's like, how good of a friend can you be

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Speaker 2: and how open can you be to connection in terms

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Speaker 2: of giving that to somebody and then also receiving that.

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Speaker 1: Receiving's hard too, it is.

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Speaker 2: It's a two way street when it comes to connection.

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Speaker 2: It's not just about being a good friend, but it's

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Speaker 2: about being able to receive good friends too.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's interesting. I think that's come up for me

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Speaker 1: a couple of times with you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we like conversations like this early on in our friendship.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it was like, maybe realize my worthiness of good friendships.

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Speaker 1: I can't remember a particular conversation, but I remember coming

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Speaker 1: to you when you were grateful for me and saying

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Speaker 1: all this nice stuff, and I was just like, I

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Speaker 1: remember saying to you, I believe you and thank you,

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Speaker 1: but I don't ought to say and you were like, oh,

286
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Speaker 1: you're struggling to receive this because you've got wounds there,

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Speaker 1: and was like, don't believe that you're worthy of this.

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Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, fuck, it was really hard for

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Speaker 1: me to hear it. Like I almost wanted to push

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Speaker 1: it away because I was like, why am I feeling

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable with her expressing love to me? Yeah, And I

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Speaker 1: remember talking to Steve about it. He's like, this is

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Speaker 1: what you've always wanted as a friend that really sees

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Speaker 1: you and appreciates you and doesn't ask anything of you

295
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Speaker 1: and she's just loving on you. I was like, I know,

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Speaker 1: but just felt uncomfortable in the moment. I definitely can

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Speaker 1: receive it well now, but yeah, it's just an interesting

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Speaker 1: conversation more more my love reflection. If you guys listening,

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Speaker 1: do you struggle to receive help, not even ask for it,

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Speaker 1: but receive it as well?

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Speaker 3: That's a big one.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it is like what you mentioned, like if you're

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Speaker 2: experience in the past with friends, let's say, has been

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Speaker 2: more on the negative side. Not always, but yeah, that's

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Speaker 2: been a common theme when you receive something different. It's unfamiliar, right.

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Speaker 1: It's unfamiliar and we don't know and feel safe. It's like, oh,

307
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Speaker 1: this isn't gonna last.

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Speaker 2: When something is, she's gonna go like, I don't trust you.

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Speaker 2: I used to feel like that too. I remember feeling

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Speaker 2: unworthy of good friendships as well when I had that

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Speaker 2: friendship like a way back when, and I remember thinking

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Speaker 2: like like questionable, Yeah, because I also had issues and

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Speaker 2: wounds with females and didn't trust females in general until

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Speaker 2: I created safety in myself. But it's a hard thing

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Speaker 2: to be able to receive it if all you've known

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Speaker 2: is more negative experiences, and so that even can feel

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Speaker 2: like it not pushes you away, but you almost want

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Speaker 2: to resist it. Yeah, it's like because it feels safer

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Speaker 2: to protect yourself. Yeah, but it's not it's putting an

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Speaker 2: invisible wall to your connection.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: And at the end of the day, if you're honest

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Speaker 1: with yourself, we're all craving more connection. Yes, it's the

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Speaker 1: common thing that comes through our best submissions and our

325
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Speaker 1: dms all the time. I want a friendship like yours.

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Speaker 1: How do I cultivate this? How do I meet my people?

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Speaker 1: Wish I had this? Yeah, it is so common. We're

328
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Speaker 1: all we're not meant to do life alone. All crave

329
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Speaker 1: connection and to walk through life together because it's like

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Speaker 1: full of ups and downs.

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Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing with us is even in

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Speaker 2: the moments where we had uncomfortable moments like that, or

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Speaker 2: if even if things have come up for me, we really.

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Speaker 3: Into each other.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. So instead of naturally leaning away from each other

336
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Speaker 2: and going, oh my god, I need to protect myself

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Speaker 2: right now, we go, hey, can you hold me in this?

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Speaker 3: Can you hold me?

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Speaker 2: Because I'm like having something come up for me and

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Speaker 2: I don't know what's coming up, but like I just

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Speaker 2: want you to hear me.

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Speaker 1: And it's a practice too. This is not something we

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Speaker 1: got taught as little girls. This is something we actively

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Speaker 1: have to practice now. It's not easy, but It's so

345
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Speaker 1: beautiful and the more you do it, the less uncomfortable.

346
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Speaker 1: It feels absolutely like anything new with self development, it's

347
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Speaker 1: going to feel so like, oh not okay.

348
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Speaker 2: And you know with the vulnerability, the art of doing

349
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Speaker 2: this and like leaning into people instead of away from

350
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Speaker 2: people is expanding your capacity for vulnerability. Yes, like you're

351
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Speaker 2: teaching yourself I can handle this, I can hold this.

352
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Speaker 2: This isn't bad. I'm not going to die by doing this.

353
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Speaker 2: I'm actually safe to be here. And when you feel

354
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Speaker 2: safe in your own vulnerability with yourself and honesty about

355
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Speaker 2: how you're feeling, you will so easily be able to

356
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Speaker 2: do that with others. Obviously it takes time, but like

357
00:14:00,201 --> 00:14:01,881
Speaker 2: you will get better with others as well.

358
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Speaker 3: But it really does start with you.

359
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Speaker 1: It does. It's so beautiful. So I thought we'd tell

360
00:14:05,801 --> 00:14:08,161
Speaker 1: a personal story of times that we've said we're fine

361
00:14:08,161 --> 00:14:10,561
Speaker 1: about something when we're really not. Mine. For me, was

362
00:14:10,681 --> 00:14:13,681
Speaker 1: a close family member that still has a metala and

363
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Speaker 1: I left it for the first year and understand everyone's

364
00:14:16,961 --> 00:14:19,561
Speaker 1: busy and they don't live locally or whatever. But after

365
00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:21,401
Speaker 1: the second year I spoke up and I was like,

366
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Speaker 1: this feels really sad that you haven't met her yet,

367
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Speaker 1: and she's my daughter and such a big part of

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Speaker 1: my life, and I pretend that I was like okay.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, they're busy, they're busy, they're busy,

370
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Speaker 1: and all of a sudden, I was like, no, I'm

371
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Speaker 1: not okay with this. I want you to meet my daughter.

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Speaker 1: And it caused a massive rift. It didn't go down

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Speaker 1: very well. And it's really scary when you be vulnerable

374
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Speaker 1: and then you get met with resistance or pushed away.

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Speaker 1: But you can't let that become your new narrative, that

376
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Speaker 1: you can't have those conversations once again. If someone can't

377
00:14:47,241 --> 00:14:49,121
Speaker 1: hold you in it, it's nothing to do with you. Yeah,

378
00:14:49,161 --> 00:14:51,801
Speaker 1: it's their capacity of what they can hold and how

379
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:53,801
Speaker 1: they can hold their triggers and how disregulated they are,

380
00:14:53,841 --> 00:14:56,441
Speaker 1: and what's coming up for them for them now pron reflection,

381
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:59,161
Speaker 1: I'm like, they must feel shameful and embarrassed and sad.

382
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Speaker 1: They also haven't met her, and now it's like they're

383
00:15:01,481 --> 00:15:03,521
Speaker 1: going to avoid me because it's too uncomfortable to have

384
00:15:03,561 --> 00:15:06,401
Speaker 1: that conversation. That's time that's really stuck out for me

385
00:15:06,441 --> 00:15:08,921
Speaker 1: where I was very brave to have that conversation, but

386
00:15:09,161 --> 00:15:10,881
Speaker 1: it wasn't met well, and that was really tough. That

387
00:15:10,881 --> 00:15:12,441
Speaker 1: would have been so hard to hop Yeah, it's hard

388
00:15:12,441 --> 00:15:14,681
Speaker 1: when you get evidence that it's not easy. Yes, but

389
00:15:14,841 --> 00:15:16,081
Speaker 1: this is the thing. You're not always going to be

390
00:15:16,121 --> 00:15:18,201
Speaker 1: met with what you think. You know. We had a

391
00:15:18,241 --> 00:15:20,081
Speaker 1: conversation about this a few days ago, and remember you

392
00:15:20,121 --> 00:15:21,761
Speaker 1: said like, oh, I should just be easy to do this.

393
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:24,001
Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, but it's not. I know, it's not

394
00:15:24,281 --> 00:15:27,681
Speaker 1: easy for people to communicate and to have those hard conversations.

395
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,561
Speaker 1: It feels easier. And I know because I used to

396
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,041
Speaker 1: do this, I just avoid it. Yeah, I would just suppress,

397
00:15:32,041 --> 00:15:35,161
Speaker 1: suppres suppressed because it was easy. It felt easier to

398
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:36,281
Speaker 1: suppress than to lean in.

399
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:36,881
Speaker 3: Yeah.

400
00:15:37,081 --> 00:15:38,561
Speaker 1: Yeah, what about you, Is it been a time where

401
00:15:38,601 --> 00:15:40,841
Speaker 1: you're like, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm definitely not fucking fine.

402
00:15:40,961 --> 00:15:41,161
Speaker 3: Yeah.

403
00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:43,481
Speaker 2: There was a time of my life when I so

404
00:15:43,521 --> 00:15:46,121
Speaker 2: I'd moved to Cronola with my best friend at the time,

405
00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:48,881
Speaker 2: and then we had a friendship breakdown, and I was

406
00:15:48,921 --> 00:15:51,561
Speaker 2: basically Increnola by myself. Like she had her family, she

407
00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:54,521
Speaker 2: had kids, she had a support system around her in Cronola,

408
00:15:54,801 --> 00:15:56,121
Speaker 2: whereas like I felt like I was kind of by

409
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:59,081
Speaker 2: myself so I stayed in Cronula for like another eight months,

410
00:15:59,081 --> 00:16:01,001
Speaker 2: and yeah, I just kind of like did life on

411
00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:03,161
Speaker 2: my own. And in that time, I didn't just lose her.

412
00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:05,441
Speaker 2: I lost a whole community of women. It was not

413
00:16:05,561 --> 00:16:07,841
Speaker 2: just like one friendship. It was like a whole community

414
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:10,241
Speaker 2: of women that I had leant on at that time.

415
00:16:10,281 --> 00:16:12,961
Speaker 2: And I remember trying to make friends within like that

416
00:16:13,041 --> 00:16:16,201
Speaker 2: eight month period after that, and I really struggled because

417
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:18,601
Speaker 2: I felt like I was wearing a mask, like I

418
00:16:18,641 --> 00:16:21,921
Speaker 2: didn't want to let anybody else in because I was

419
00:16:21,961 --> 00:16:25,081
Speaker 2: scared of trusting females again because of how many of

420
00:16:25,121 --> 00:16:27,441
Speaker 2: them like kind of like just kind of disowned me.

421
00:16:27,801 --> 00:16:29,841
Speaker 2: That's how it felt. Doesn't necessarily mean it's true, but

422
00:16:29,881 --> 00:16:32,401
Speaker 2: that's how it felt. And I struggled to let other

423
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:34,441
Speaker 2: women in. But even if I did and people asked

424
00:16:34,481 --> 00:16:36,161
Speaker 2: me how I was, I was just like, yeah, like

425
00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:38,561
Speaker 2: I'm good and well business great, da da dah, but

426
00:16:38,641 --> 00:16:42,161
Speaker 2: I was fucking broken inside. Like I literally hired a

427
00:16:42,161 --> 00:16:46,321
Speaker 2: coach for twelve months to grieve that friendship and to

428
00:16:46,401 --> 00:16:48,801
Speaker 2: also grieve the other women that I lost as well

429
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:51,321
Speaker 2: in that time, Like the betrayal wound.

430
00:16:51,001 --> 00:16:53,561
Speaker 3: That it created in me, that I've already had just

431
00:16:53,641 --> 00:16:54,881
Speaker 3: deepened that wound for me.

432
00:16:55,601 --> 00:16:57,921
Speaker 2: And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's anyone's

433
00:16:57,921 --> 00:16:59,841
Speaker 2: fault or anything like that. There was always two to tango,

434
00:17:00,321 --> 00:17:03,841
Speaker 2: but it was so heartbreaking, and in that time I

435
00:17:03,921 --> 00:17:06,721
Speaker 2: was just like posting on social media like nothing had happened.

436
00:17:07,001 --> 00:17:09,081
Speaker 2: When people would ask me about it, I would ignore it,

437
00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:11,160
Speaker 2: like I just people always asking, oh my god, you

438
00:17:11,201 --> 00:17:13,081
Speaker 2: guys are always together and now you're not. I'm just like, oh,

439
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,240
Speaker 2: con't be bothered with this. Yeah, I don't want to

440
00:17:15,241 --> 00:17:18,241
Speaker 2: share openly about like what's going down, because nobody else's business.

441
00:17:18,321 --> 00:17:19,481
Speaker 3: Yeah and yeah.

442
00:17:19,521 --> 00:17:21,561
Speaker 2: In that time, I literally pretended like I was fine.

443
00:17:21,561 --> 00:17:23,200
Speaker 2: And it took me like a good year to like

444
00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:26,160
Speaker 2: actually come out of that and like find my feet again,

445
00:17:26,521 --> 00:17:29,360
Speaker 2: a feeling good and confident, and then like feeling safe

446
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,481
Speaker 2: again to like want to let new people into my life.

447
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,921
Speaker 2: But for a really long time there, I really kept

448
00:17:33,921 --> 00:17:35,440
Speaker 2: people at arm's lengths because I was like, why the

449
00:17:35,441 --> 00:17:37,521
Speaker 2: fuck would I trust anybody when I've had more than

450
00:17:37,561 --> 00:17:40,121
Speaker 2: ten women in one go decide that I'm not good

451
00:17:40,201 --> 00:17:41,961
Speaker 2: enough as a friend, you know, like so.

452
00:17:42,041 --> 00:17:45,200
Speaker 1: Tir yeah, one percent, you know, yeah, walk around that

453
00:17:45,241 --> 00:17:48,640
Speaker 1: mask is exhausting. It can start little like, you know, automatically,

454
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,761
Speaker 1: if someone says, hey, you going normally you're a one. Yeah,

455
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:53,160
Speaker 1: good busy time, how are you going? Yeah, it's like

456
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,441
Speaker 1: that's not even real, Like, no, why can't we normalize

457
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:57,561
Speaker 1: being like, you know what, Fuck, i had a really

458
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,721
Speaker 1: hard day with the kids yesterday. I'm feeling pretty disregulated

459
00:17:59,721 --> 00:18:02,041
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest, but hopefully today's better. Then it

460
00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:03,640
Speaker 1: invites the other person and be like, oh my gosh,

461
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,961
Speaker 1: me too, like I'm really feeling it this season. Then

462
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,521
Speaker 1: you get to connect. Yeah, it's not you don't have

463
00:18:07,561 --> 00:18:10,041
Speaker 1: to dump all your trauma on a little casual conversation,

464
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,200
Speaker 1: but you also don't have to fake it, yeah, and

465
00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:14,520
Speaker 1: pretend that you're completely okay and fine when you're not.

466
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:16,920
Speaker 2: You know, it's funny about what you just said. For

467
00:18:16,961 --> 00:18:19,080
Speaker 2: the most part, every time somebody says that you're thinking

468
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,720
Speaker 2: of the top three things that are actually going on

469
00:18:20,721 --> 00:18:22,640
Speaker 2: in your life, yeah, at the top of mind that,

470
00:18:22,681 --> 00:18:24,521
Speaker 2: you're like, my god, the things I could tell you.

471
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, the shit I hard tell you hours, you know.

472
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,240
Speaker 2: But it's just like, why are we so scared to

473
00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:34,080
Speaker 2: like just be open and vulnerable just be seen. Yeah,

474
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,041
Speaker 2: you know what I think it is. It's the fear

475
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,521
Speaker 2: of messiness. It's the fear of being seen as imperfect or.

476
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:42,241
Speaker 1: Flawed or yeah, they won't love us. Because we're wired

477
00:18:42,281 --> 00:18:44,120
Speaker 1: to be in a tribe and to be together. You

478
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:45,640
Speaker 1: don't want to be outcast from the tribe.

479
00:18:45,681 --> 00:18:47,960
Speaker 2: I am the first person to say I have tried

480
00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:50,041
Speaker 2: to wear the perfect mask. I've tried to wear my

481
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,601
Speaker 2: hair perfect and speak perfect. I used to watch how

482
00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:55,321
Speaker 2: to have good etiquette videos on fucking social media because

483
00:18:55,321 --> 00:18:57,921
Speaker 2: I felt like I needed to be this perfectly constructed

484
00:18:57,961 --> 00:19:01,080
Speaker 2: version of myself. It doesn't fucking work. It doesn't work,

485
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,961
Speaker 2: and honestly, you just feel further and further away from yourself,

486
00:19:04,281 --> 00:19:07,321
Speaker 2: and people feel further and further away. Oh yeah, because

487
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:09,680
Speaker 2: I believe that when I was that version of me,

488
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:12,400
Speaker 2: people you'll be able to understand if you've seen this

489
00:19:12,521 --> 00:19:15,201
Speaker 2: in others or you do this too, where people be like, oh,

490
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,960
Speaker 2: just just something about it. I just don't know what

491
00:19:17,001 --> 00:19:19,961
Speaker 2: it is. Yeah, I don't fully trust her. I wasn't vulnerable,

492
00:19:20,241 --> 00:19:22,600
Speaker 2: I wasn't open. People never got to see the real me.

493
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:25,041
Speaker 2: It was always this fake version of myself that I

494
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,240
Speaker 2: thought I needed to be. Yeah, and that does not

495
00:19:27,281 --> 00:19:28,001
Speaker 2: create connection.

496
00:19:28,241 --> 00:19:29,881
Speaker 1: No, it doesn't. That's a complete opposite of what you.

497
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,321
Speaker 3: Are telling you from personal experience.

498
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,360
Speaker 1: We hope you guys enjoyed this episode and you've taken

499
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:38,161
Speaker 1: a lot away from it because it's a really important

500
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,241
Speaker 1: topic and it is really scary, and it's really uncomfortable.

501
00:19:41,241 --> 00:19:42,521
Speaker 1: And we did say from the start there's going to

502
00:19:42,561 --> 00:19:45,161
Speaker 1: be some uncomfortable conversations here and a lot of self

503
00:19:45,201 --> 00:19:47,360
Speaker 1: reflection for you to have. And you can turn off

504
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,321
Speaker 1: this podcast and go about your normal day, or you

505
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:51,120
Speaker 1: can maybe get out of journal and just sit with

506
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,600
Speaker 1: yourself for five ten minutes and be like, hmm, where

507
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:54,681
Speaker 1: do I do this in my life?

508
00:19:54,801 --> 00:19:55,080
Speaker 3: Yeah?

509
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,481
Speaker 1: Where can I change that? Where can I create more vulnerability?

510
00:19:57,521 --> 00:19:59,521
Speaker 1: Am I wanting deeper connections? Okay? Well how do I

511
00:19:59,561 --> 00:20:01,440
Speaker 1: create that? Am I part of the problem of not

512
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:03,480
Speaker 1: having good people in my life? Okay? What do I

513
00:20:03,521 --> 00:20:06,200
Speaker 1: do from here? Yea, Like why would you not?

514
00:20:06,561 --> 00:20:08,440
Speaker 2: The biggest common thing that I see as well and

515
00:20:08,521 --> 00:20:11,241
Speaker 2: messages that I get is like, you know, I'm so lonely.

516
00:20:11,321 --> 00:20:13,080
Speaker 2: I'm so lonely. I don't have anybody in my life.

517
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,680
Speaker 2: But this is one of those moments like what you

518
00:20:14,761 --> 00:20:18,161
Speaker 2: just mentioned, are you actually putting yourself out there? Yeah,

519
00:20:18,281 --> 00:20:21,441
Speaker 2: because you really do have to put effort into anything

520
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:23,521
Speaker 2: that you do in order to get a result out.

521
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,321
Speaker 2: You have to be willing to try and put yourself

522
00:20:25,321 --> 00:20:28,720
Speaker 2: out there, say hello, like really extend yourself, because if

523
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,001
Speaker 2: you want to get out of this phase of like

524
00:20:30,001 --> 00:20:31,840
Speaker 2: feeling more lonely and feeling like you don't have good

525
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,960
Speaker 2: people around you, really just check on how much you

526
00:20:35,041 --> 00:20:36,200
Speaker 2: sit in your comfort bubble.

527
00:20:36,481 --> 00:20:39,041
Speaker 1: Yeah, so true. Hope you guys enjoyed and we'll see

528
00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:41,360
Speaker 1: you tomorrow. Don't forget top day's Christmas Day three tomorrow.

529
00:20:41,481 --> 00:20:42,401
Speaker 3: Bye,