Speaker 1: Apologie production saying sorry. Yeah, when was the last time
Speaker 1: you said a genuine, beautiful apology not a half fast
Speaker 1: or so? I was about that, Yeah, so rewind it back.
Speaker 1: For me, I've had to really work on how to
Speaker 1: say beautiful, genuine apologies because growing up I wasn't wrong
Speaker 1: modeled that. And not to blame my parents, but it's
Speaker 1: just factual. I didn't see my parents say sorry to
Speaker 1: each other. I didn't see them saying sorry to me,
Speaker 1: So it was quite uncomfortable when when I first got
Speaker 1: with Steve, Like, saying sorry to him was really awkward
Speaker 1: and I just didn't know how to go about it,
Speaker 1: and I was kind of stuck in my own head.
Speaker 1: Obviously that was a long time ago. Yeah, back in
Speaker 1: my day, sixteen years ago. But yeah, we're having these
Speaker 1: conversations around how important it is to say a genuine
Speaker 1: apology and how much it can bring you closer or
Speaker 1: separate your actions.
Speaker 2: And leave those niggly feelings of being pissed at each
Speaker 2: other rather than actually like getting through a good apology
Speaker 2: and coming out the other end feeling more connected.
Speaker 1: You hold resentment, you really do, and it builds up
Speaker 1: over time as well. Yeah, where you can squash something
Speaker 1: so quickly with a genuine apology, and you think about it,
Speaker 1: most people like they really want to be seen, heard
Speaker 1: and validated. And even if someone's done something really awful
Speaker 1: to you, if they are genuinely sorry, like you can
Speaker 1: forgive them. You can move past things, because we're all humans.
Speaker 1: Humans are messy and we make mistakes. But with a
Speaker 1: genuine apology, it heals. Yeah.
Speaker 2: And it's also about holding yourself accountable and knowing that
Speaker 2: even if you know the way someone's done something isn't
Speaker 2: the way that you would have liked it, that that's
Speaker 2: their way of doing it, yes, and learning to accept
Speaker 2: that and validate that and drop expectations.
Speaker 1: Now everyone's going to show up the way that you
Speaker 1: show up, or do things the way you're going to do.
Speaker 1: But yeah, really taking that ownership if you do do
Speaker 1: the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, fuck up, own
Speaker 1: it and be able to apologize genuinely. So I wanted
Speaker 1: to role play with me. Okay, you've done something really awful,
Speaker 1: said something, done something, give me a really shit shitty apology.
Speaker 2: Oh well, I'm sorry I said that. Sorry if that
Speaker 2: offended you, Yeah, and I giving you a really nice one. Oh, babe,
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come
Speaker 2: across that way. I understand how you're feeling, but when
Speaker 2: that happened in that moment, I felt really angry. So
Speaker 2: I probably said it in a way that I shouldn't have,
Speaker 2: and I feel really bad about that. So I'm really
Speaker 2: sorry if it made you feel upset in any way,
Speaker 2: Like how can we move through this? What could I
Speaker 2: do better next time? And just tell them how much
Speaker 2: you value them?
Speaker 1: Love that? And if you guys could see the energy
Speaker 1: and her body language behind both the first one was
Speaker 1: like upright and rigid, and like the hands were waving
Speaker 1: and like the nose was scoched up, sussy as fuck.
Speaker 1: I love it when she softened to whole body soften,
Speaker 1: your voice soft and your tone soften. And that's something
Speaker 1: that we should really touch on, is like when you
Speaker 1: are giving an apology, your tone behind it and your
Speaker 1: language behind it and your body language behind it actually
Speaker 1: gonna say a lot more. Yeah.
Speaker 2: You know what I noticed too, is when I was
Speaker 2: doing the role plays really helped us out here. When
Speaker 2: I was the first one, I wasn't looking at you
Speaker 2: in the eye because I even felt uncomfortable doing it.
Speaker 2: But then when I did the genuine apology, I was
Speaker 2: actually speaking from my heart.
Speaker 1: I had eye.
Speaker 2: Contact with you, but the first one I kept looking away.
Speaker 1: And body language is really important and tone, like someone
Speaker 1: could say, oh, I'm really sorry, but if their body
Speaker 1: language is like arms folded, yeah, looking away, like kind
Speaker 1: of like an eye roll or taking a big breath
Speaker 1: or something, what's another example of bad body language or TONEAD.
Speaker 2: Body language or tone the little emphasizes on words like
Speaker 2: oh sorry.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that kind of tone or like oh what I
Speaker 1: am sorry, but youah blah blah blah blah, putting it
Speaker 1: back on them sorry, And then you're saying, but if
Speaker 1: you didn't do that, you're putting all the blame on them,
Speaker 1: so then they don't feel heard. It's not a proper
Speaker 1: apology you were saying sorry. It is all about you.
Speaker 1: You're owning what you've done. You're honoring that person, and
Speaker 1: you're trying to repair and bring it back together. And
Speaker 1: I think you've got to remember too, when you're in
Speaker 1: an into a relationship or even if this is friendship
Speaker 1: or coworker's like, I remember, you're on the same team.
Speaker 1: It's not you against them, it's you guys against the prob. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Something means Steve always say like if we get heated,
Speaker 1: we're like, hey, this isn't us. We've got a problem
Speaker 1: we're frustrated with, Like let's come together instead of like
Speaker 1: you know, going head to heads. Yeah, sometimes when it
Speaker 1: gets heated and one or two people aren't taking responsibility,
Speaker 1: it can feel like that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I feel like too, it's easier in a
Speaker 2: way to keep being rude because for a lot of
Speaker 2: people to express how they're actually feeling and not know
Speaker 2: how the other person is going to react. It's also
Speaker 2: I feel like there's more bravery behind a sincere apology too.
Speaker 1: Definitely not knowing.
Speaker 2: If you want to get shut down, because there's been
Speaker 2: times like I can even reflect on different stories you've
Speaker 2: told me where you've given a sincere, great apology and
Speaker 2: then someone shut you down back, but you have the
Speaker 2: weight off your shoulders because you have done the right
Speaker 2: thing in that moment.
Speaker 1: Another point that's just popped up for me too, is
Speaker 1: when you are going in to say sorry, you have
Speaker 1: to have zero expectations of how that person's going to respond.
Speaker 1: You're not going in there to get anything back. No,
Speaker 1: if you are it's almost like you're trying to do
Speaker 1: a business deal like contract or something. You're genuinely going
Speaker 1: in to say sorry. That is it.
Speaker 2: You're clearing your own heart.
Speaker 1: Yeah, regardless of their response.
Speaker 2: How they react is on them. How they respond is
Speaker 2: on them.
Speaker 1: And it's their experience, their feelings and their own stuff
Speaker 1: to deal with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and their capacity. They might not have the capacity
Speaker 2: that you do or the self awareness that you do. Exactly,
Speaker 2: I'm how to give a sincere apology.
Speaker 1: And some people can't meet you where they haven't met themselves. Yes, No,
Speaker 1: I'm really really good at saying sorry, guitar. If I
Speaker 1: lose my cool or raise my voice, I'm very quick
Speaker 1: to repair. And I think that's really important too, Like
Speaker 1: you can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time.
Speaker 1: You're gonna make mistakes, You're gonna upset people, You're gonna
Speaker 1: say things in the heat of the moment, or say
Speaker 1: things that could have been worded differently. It's just once
Speaker 1: again part of the human experience. We are messy. Humans
Speaker 1: are messy. But the repair with kids I think super important,
Speaker 1: not only to role model them to normalize saying sorry,
Speaker 1: but also just to bring that connection back in.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that validation to them. And I feel like
Speaker 2: when we were growing up, you never saw people apologizing
Speaker 2: to kids. It was like, that's the way we doing
Speaker 2: the house, that's that's.
Speaker 1: Final, where I'm right, you're wrong. I feel like it.
Speaker 2: Must feel so beautiful for them that like their mum
Speaker 2: and dad come up to them.
Speaker 1: But I imagine so imaginous.
Speaker 2: But I feel like that's a majority of the populations.
Speaker 1: This is no judgment. I love talking about this, but
Speaker 1: there's no judgment against our parents because they were not right.
Speaker 1: They didn't have the skills, they didn't have the knowledge,
Speaker 1: they don't have podcasts to listen to and people to
Speaker 1: coach them through. We know better, so we can do better,
Speaker 1: and then we're breaking those cycles for our children as well.
Speaker 1: So it's so normal now for me to say sorry
Speaker 1: into like for stories to be in our household, that
Speaker 1: when Taj grows up, that's just going to be normal.
Speaker 1: If he does the wrong thing or says the wrong thing,
Speaker 1: I upset someone, I'm hoping he will. That's just natural
Speaker 1: for him. So when I lose my temper or raise
Speaker 1: my voice or just say something that came out wrong,
Speaker 1: I'll get down on Targe's levels. I'll always lower myself
Speaker 1: to his eye contact, look him in the eye, hold
Speaker 1: his shoulders, and be like, I'm so sorry. That was
Speaker 1: not your fault. I'll always take full ownership for it.
Speaker 1: Not your fault that mummy yelled I should have taken
Speaker 1: big breaths. I'm feeling really, really tired, and that's not
Speaker 1: an excuse. But next time when I feel like this,
Speaker 1: I'm going to take some time out and go do
Speaker 1: some breathing, or I'm going to make sure they look
Speaker 1: after myself a little bit better. But that is not
Speaker 1: on you. And I'm really sorry that you know you
Speaker 1: felt that. Yeah, And most of the time it's like
Speaker 1: it's okay. I'm like, no, I'm genuine latime, are you okay?
Speaker 1: It's so like forgiving, aren't they know? And then with
Speaker 1: Steve it's the same thing. I feel like the times,
Speaker 1: I definitely still sometimes catch myself giving shitty apologies, Like
Speaker 1: an example, when I'm really tired and I've snapped at
Speaker 1: them for something and I'll just be like, oh, sorry, babe,
Speaker 1: I'm just like I'm on my period, I'm really tired. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was like, no, that's an apology. Ash and I'll
Speaker 1: catch myself and I'm like, go back five minutes later, yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe ten, He'll say twenty later, and I'll snuggle in
Speaker 1: and get close, like bring that physical connection and be like, babe,
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry, Like, yeah, I shouldn't have raised my
Speaker 1: voice at you. I am on my period, I'm really tired,
Speaker 1: but I need to remove myself from the situation and
Speaker 1: just go, like take a moment or communicate with you
Speaker 1: how I'm feeling better. Yeah, so I'm really really sorry.
Speaker 2: One that gets me still is like certain things with
Speaker 2: the kids and pairs, and I feel like that can
Speaker 2: be a bit of a hot topic sometimes and like
Speaker 2: curl do something and I'll go, oh, well, I'm sorry,
Speaker 2: but like we should do it this way, like or
Speaker 2: I'm sorry or blah blah blah, and it's like, no,
Speaker 2: that's not the right way to say it. But then
Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is having the self awareness
Speaker 2: and then looking at it from the bigger picture. Whether
Speaker 2: it takes ten minutes, sometimes it might take a day.
Speaker 2: It might be real heated, and then you go week, okay, yeah,
Speaker 2: I've got to go back now and actually give this
Speaker 2: sincere apology.
Speaker 1: Definitely, yeah, it can take a little while for you
Speaker 1: to even process something. Yeah, it might have been laying
Speaker 1: in bed a week later and.
Speaker 2: Just be like fuck, yeah, wow, I could have actually.
Speaker 1: Said that better. Or sometimes i'll have a conversation with
Speaker 1: a girlfriend or listen to something in a podcast and
Speaker 1: they'll explain something. I'll be like, oh, I remember that conversation. Man,
Speaker 1: I would have done that so differently. So I'll go
Speaker 1: revisit the conversation with Steve and be like, fuck, remember
Speaker 1: when I said that I didn't actually mean it like that.
Speaker 1: That must have been really hurtful. How I feel for
Speaker 1: you and open that up, and then he might be like, yeah, fuck,
Speaker 1: didn't feel good when you said that. I'd be like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry. I'm going to try really hard to
Speaker 1: word that next time. I've got it more vocabulary now,
Speaker 1: but I'm really sorry if that hurt is not what
Speaker 1: I meant. And then even if someone comes to you,
Speaker 1: let's say, for example, you came to me instead you know,
Speaker 1: really upset me when you did X y Z. Even
Speaker 1: if I didn't have any bad intentions, it's still an
Speaker 1: opportunity for me to repair. Yeah, And it's still an
Speaker 1: opportunity for me to connect and build that trust with
Speaker 1: you and say wow, Wow, I'm really sorry that you
Speaker 1: felt like that. That was not my intention at all,
Speaker 1: and I'll be really mindful next time to word that differently. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just the language and the tone that you're using
Speaker 1: and the eye contact, the body language making them feel
Speaker 1: safe that they can't come to you to express how
Speaker 1: they're feeling, even if it's got nothing to do with
Speaker 1: you or you didn't mean to. Yeah, but it's such
Speaker 1: an important life skill that all of us need. Yeah,
Speaker 1: everyone wants to be seeing her and validated. Yeah, if
Speaker 1: you want to see more apologies and more people treating
Speaker 1: you like this, be the change. You've got to do
Speaker 1: that too.
Speaker 2: They'll marry you. When she did that to me, she
Speaker 2: came to me and said, sorry, I probably.
Speaker 1: Owe a good apology for that. Yeah, it's cool when
Speaker 1: you take time to do things like meditate, slow down,
Speaker 1: and journal, because things like this can come up, pop up,
Speaker 1: and a lot of time you might even carrying a
Speaker 1: bit of shame and embarrassment around something you've said or done,
Speaker 1: even if it's years later. I saw something and now
Speaker 1: grow and go for them. Actually, and it was a
Speaker 1: girl basically saying that she had a falling out with
Speaker 1: her friends a long time ago, and now she'd like
Speaker 1: to go back and say sorry, but it's been so long,
Speaker 1: and a lot of the advice was, now, I don't
Speaker 1: go back there, don't say anything, and she's got to
Speaker 1: do what feels good for her. But I was like,
Speaker 1: on reflection thinking about it, I was like, I think
Speaker 1: that would be really nice if she just popped them
Speaker 1: a message. There's no expectations for them to write back.
Speaker 1: They probably won't, but for you to just be like, hey,
Speaker 1: seven years ago when our friendship blah blah blah, whatever happened,
Speaker 1: I'm really sorry for the way that I showed up.
Speaker 1: I did the best I could with what I had,
Speaker 1: but I know better now and I wouldn't do it
Speaker 1: like that. I wouldn't need to know like I.
Speaker 2: See you, and even for them to know playing on
Speaker 2: their mind, yeah, you know, like so healing so beautiful.
Speaker 1: And thing is, you don't know someone's background, you don't
Speaker 1: know their trauma. It's something that you might not be
Speaker 1: phased on, might be extremely traumatic from an event that's
Speaker 1: happened to them. Yep, they don't know how to handle it.
Speaker 1: So I still don't judge them for how they're responding
Speaker 1: or reacting because you don't know what that feels like
Speaker 1: for them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so on apology to for a really reactive person,
Speaker 2: it might not be something that can happen face to face.
Speaker 2: For someone who's super reactive and might be writing them
Speaker 2: an email, writing them a letter, writing a text message,
Speaker 2: voice notes so then they can hear it in your
Speaker 2: sincerety in your voice still, But if someone's super reacted to,
Speaker 2: it's kind of you can still get off your own chest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so true. Different people are going to have
Speaker 1: different ways that they like to have conversations and feel
Speaker 1: heard and feel safe, and even some people just find
Speaker 1: face to face conversations really confronting totally, So prefer a
Speaker 1: voice note where they can take their time to think
Speaker 1: about what they're going to say and make sure they
Speaker 1: are wording it right. And that's not a bad thing either.
Speaker 1: That's what they need to do to be able to
Speaker 1: voice something in a nicer way. Good on them for
Speaker 1: having the self awareness to be like, I can't do
Speaker 1: face to face right now, but this is important to me.
Speaker 1: Every human is just so different. Hey, Yeah, like even
Speaker 1: talking about this, you just think about every person you.
Speaker 2: Know, different things that have happened in their life, the
Speaker 2: different quotes they've got
Speaker 1: Things that have shaped them to be who they are
Speaker 1: and how they respond and the capacity they have to
Speaker 1: be able to hold