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Speaker 1: Welcome to the show. It's Monday. It's a question and

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Speaker 1: Answers day. Audrey is here. Hello, Hi, you had a

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Speaker 1: brutal alarm this morning? Yeah, two thirty, Yeah, a bit before.

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Speaker 2: My god, that's okay.

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Speaker 1: Now, when do you work mornings? You work mornings?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm not digging in the mine. No, you're not

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Speaker 2: works work. It's just the alarm works worth.

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Speaker 1: It hurts.

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Speaker 2: But that's okay. I had an up and so I'm

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Speaker 2: a little confused.

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Speaker 1: What day it is? Where am I? Yeah, it's my

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Speaker 1: name again, Audrey. And just because you don't wear highves

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean you don't have a job. I know I

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Speaker 1: have a job. Yeah, But like you say, it's not

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Speaker 1: like there's a thing in our country that unless a

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Speaker 1: politician can stand in front of you wearing a hard

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Speaker 1: hat and a high vis vest, that your job isn't

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Speaker 1: as important in everybody else's job.

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Speaker 2: Speak for yourself, mate, I'm no one'm working. I'm just

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Speaker 2: saying it's not like I'm working.

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Speaker 1: What kind of questions we've got people sending questions on

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Speaker 1: the substant What are we looking.

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Speaker 2: At the ins and outs of our relationship? How best

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Speaker 2: to sponsor sponsor someone you know around sobriety interesting and

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Speaker 2: also accepting and supporting those mental.

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Speaker 1: Ill health ill Else.

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Speaker 2: What pains and struggles did you go through as a

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Speaker 2: boy that molded.

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Speaker 1: You into who you are? We should play some ads.

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Speaker 2: Yes, that's a good idea, can.

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Speaker 1: A Welcome to the show. It's better than yesterday, making

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Speaker 1: a better, making up better. Every episode is twenty thirteen.

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Speaker 1: My name's Osha Gisberg, Audrey griff and my wife is here.

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Speaker 1: Answering questions from the substack Oorsha Ginsburg dot substack dot com.

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Speaker 1: Becky's got a question, doesn't she?

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Speaker 2: Becky from Kumar? Is there something you and Audrey used

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Speaker 2: to do that you miss?

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Speaker 1: I would say I miss going scubid iving with you,

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Speaker 1: and I miss going horse riding with you. Yes, both

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Speaker 1: both of the I can't do both at the same time,

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Speaker 1: though I'd like the images. Get a big regulator shorse

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Speaker 1: sea horse. Nice? Yeah, nice, you can get one of

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Speaker 1: the I don't know, Maybe I think I might be

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Speaker 1: imagining this, but I'm pretty sure there was some Jacques

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Speaker 1: Criste Docco that I watched once in one of his

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Speaker 1: and here is Rencois and he is ratings is super

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Speaker 1: Scooter and it looks like a horse. It looks like

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Speaker 1: a sea horse. Well, yeah, it's like the sea horse shape. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but he's underwater allows us to explore the depths and

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Speaker 1: mysteries of the ocean.

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Speaker 2: But he's a Mexican.

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Speaker 1: Everybody eventually becomes Mexican on a Russian every accident. But

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Speaker 1: I miss horse riding with you too. We've ridden horses

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Speaker 1: a few times, and there's really something about watching you

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Speaker 1: ride a horse, because you're very good at it, even

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Speaker 1: though you're very allergic to it. I'm allergic to horses,

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Speaker 1: not to the horse right now. No, last time we went,

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Speaker 1: we got lucky because we went to a place where

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Speaker 1: the bloke said, getting ride and I said, yep, I said,

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Speaker 1: if you fall off, you can get really hurt. You

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Speaker 1: realize that, yep, it's on here. That was it off.

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Speaker 1: He gallop helmet, good luck to here, no problem, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, I accept these risks. Let's go. There

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Speaker 1: was also a stop for cheese and wine. There was

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Speaker 1: a mid There was a mid break halftime.

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Speaker 2: Which I think is an incredibly civilized way to ride

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Speaker 2: a horse, and then gallop home.

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Speaker 1: With all that was brisbone. It was up the back

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Speaker 1: of we came, so we got high enough to look

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Speaker 1: down onto the Glasshouse mountains, so like probably from the

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Speaker 1: top end of strat Pine. Yeah, that's ut the Pine

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Speaker 1: rivers ish up there somewhere. It was amazing. It's actually beautiful.

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Speaker 2: I didn't even know it wastorious that close to the city.

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Speaker 1: How about you, what do you think we used to do?

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Speaker 1: Miss that we don't do anymore.

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Speaker 2: We still get up to adventures and things like that,

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Speaker 2: but I would love to be able to hang out

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Speaker 2: just you. And I do miss time with just you,

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Speaker 2: holidays with just you, even though they usually entailed.

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Speaker 1: Alarms, alarm clocks early in the day. Yeah. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: anybody that's listening that's got kids that aren't teenagers, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: could you get to a point of like, I'm going

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Speaker 1: on holiday with you? Okay? Fine?

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Speaker 3: And they and music festivals, Oh yeah, we used to

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Speaker 3: go to festivals. Well yeah that was fun and like

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Speaker 3: camp and and just moved around.

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Speaker 1: Yeah it was. And go and have a nap. This

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Speaker 1: band's on down yep, yep, have a sandwich, get back up,

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Speaker 1: go back out, watch another band.

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Speaker 2: Have a baby white shower.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, this is the way, baby, We'll do that

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Speaker 1: with the days festivals come back. I'd like to think

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Speaker 1: they do. They've got to too much fun.

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Speaker 2: Well I don't know why they went away, but anyw

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Speaker 2: my fingers crossed.

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Speaker 1: Like I said before, like jobs that aren't hire, the

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Speaker 1: jobs didn't matter so much during COVID. Okay, yeah, a

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Speaker 1: lot of a lot of the performance and a lot

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Speaker 1: of live work.

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Speaker 2: That's a conversation for another day.

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Speaker 1: I think like a whole show is all right? Would

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Speaker 1: you like to do? All right?

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Speaker 2: So leisure Lizard, more so for you, I'm assuming you

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Speaker 2: being you usher, But how do I find a sponsor

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Speaker 2: that aligns with me?

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Speaker 1: Oh, this is somebody asking about a twelve step recovery situation.

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Speaker 1: I'm assuming yeah, in that for those people who don't

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Speaker 1: know in the at least a twelve step sobriety fellowship

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Speaker 1: that I'm part of, a sponsor is a part of

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Speaker 1: that where it's somebody they just need to have more

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Speaker 1: time clean than you. And I found it very difficult

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Speaker 1: at first. My first sponsor he went out, which means

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Speaker 1: he started drinking and using again. Oh yeah, I didn't

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Speaker 1: know that. Yeah, he went out, and I was a

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Speaker 1: bit lost for a bit for a while there. But

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Speaker 1: then someone very clever just said to me, just find

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Speaker 1: someone who's got what you want and just go ask

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Speaker 1: him how they got it. And so I had chosen

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Speaker 1: for my first sponsor. I chose a guy. He was single.

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Speaker 1: He was in Hollywood, so he's a single. He was

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Speaker 1: an actor. He was like being the dead body in

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Speaker 1: the first thirty seconds of an NCAAs episode. But that

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Speaker 1: was like about as much as he was doing. He

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Speaker 1: wasn't really doing anything else. And he was struggling a

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Speaker 1: bit with that. And I didn't want that. That's not

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Speaker 1: what I wanted at all. So but by the time

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Speaker 1: he went out, I got divorced. By then it was

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Speaker 1: like very well and truly happening. And so I found

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Speaker 1: my man, David, who you've met. He's an amazing guys

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Speaker 1: and he was an incredible guy. He had a beautiful family.

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Speaker 1: He had what I wanted. He had a house, he

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Speaker 1: had a stable job. We had a family, and he

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Speaker 1: is an amazing guy. And I'm like, okay, how do

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Speaker 1: I do that? I want what you've got? What do

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Speaker 1: I do? I guess I'll just tell you what I did.

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Speaker 1: It's all right, and here we are, okay.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So to summarize, you would look for someone who

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Speaker 2: is living the life that you'd like.

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Speaker 1: To, look for someone who's got what you want, and

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Speaker 1: ask them how they got it, and then.

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Speaker 2: I understand, I guess, I guess also working out what

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Speaker 2: it is that you.

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Speaker 1: Want that's it also a part of it's kind of

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Speaker 1: very crafty. It's a very crafty situation. So, like, I

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Speaker 1: know women who they perhaps have been living a life

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Speaker 1: that was quite kind of party, party, and this isn't

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Speaker 1: what I want. I would like a relationship where it's

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Speaker 1: not just sexually transactional. I like a relationship like a

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Speaker 1: job where I'm valued for, you know, my skill set,

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Speaker 1: and understanding that the people they'd been hanging around, essentially

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Speaker 1: that was the set of values that they were operating by.

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Speaker 1: The women and men who only had kind of transactionally

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Speaker 1: sexual relationships and very low depth kind of relationships around them.

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Speaker 1: And so you know women who would then go, Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: here's a woman who's older than me, and she's been

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Speaker 1: clean longer than me. She's got a career, she's got

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Speaker 1: a family, she's got a stable relationship with a guy

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Speaker 1: that's nice and doesn't treat all like shit. I want that.

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Speaker 1: How do I how do I get that, so they're

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Speaker 1: go and find this person. But then they start telling

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Speaker 1: you it's just do this like I want. It's then

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Speaker 1: you start the arm wrestle. You start the arm wrestle

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Speaker 1: look like. And then have you ever been a sponsor? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Yeah you have? Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Are you currently sponsoring?

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Speaker 1: No, I'm no, I'm not doing that at the moment.

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Speaker 2: Do you find in America compared to Australia that there's

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Speaker 2: a different would you say there's more openness around?

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Speaker 1: It's changed a lot since I came back sponsors, and yeah,

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Speaker 1: I certainly came back. I came back in about full time.

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Speaker 1: I came back in twenty fifteen, so it's changed a

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Speaker 1: lot here. The sobriety stuff, it's very different now from

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Speaker 1: when I first came back. I just like I couldn't

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Speaker 1: really find a place that was okay. It was very

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Speaker 1: backwards facing a lot of the places I was finding,

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Speaker 1: whereas the stuff in the States is very much solution focused.

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Speaker 2: Backwards facing, as in looking to.

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Speaker 1: Talking about all we've got up and talk people got

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Speaker 1: up and talked about was how bad their lives are being.

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Speaker 1: And it's like, I don't care. How do you stay

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Speaker 1: married today? How do you stay employed today? How do

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Speaker 1: you stay saying today? That's what I care about. They're

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Speaker 1: not drinking and using is For the most part, it's

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Speaker 1: pretty easy. It's the living your life without it and

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Speaker 1: what do you do instead that's the hard part. So

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Speaker 1: I don't care how big a night you had, how

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Speaker 1: many big a year you had, don't care how much

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Speaker 1: money you spent, don't care, tell me what you did today.

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Speaker 1: And so there's a few places now that are very

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Speaker 1: different and kind of have a different Yes, I even

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Speaker 1: there was a while they were on weekends. I would

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Speaker 1: have a gathering of people in my apartment, yeah, I remember, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And it was really good. Was I just kind of

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Speaker 1: found people from other meetings you dig, you dig you,

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Speaker 1: and then it was really nice. We kind of all

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Speaker 1: got together and yeah.

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Speaker 2: You didn't want to continue that, I mean I did, I.

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Speaker 1: Did, but it was hard. I was living all over

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Speaker 1: the place and then living in an apartment with you.

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Speaker 1: I didn't really want to be there. Must have been

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Speaker 1: more moved in together. I didn't really want to bring

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Speaker 1: people into a house with eleven year old twelve year

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Speaker 1: old fair enough. Yeah, I do a lot a lot

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Speaker 1: more online stuff now, Yeah, which is really good.

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Speaker 2: How does that work in an online situation?

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Speaker 1: It's fine. You just mostly dial into a zoom thing, right,

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Speaker 1: that's good, thanks covid. Yeah, well there's some of them,

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Speaker 1: Like I've done it. If I'm driving across you know,

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Speaker 1: through the day, I'll just pop it on the in

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Speaker 1: the car.

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Speaker 2: You're just listening to people call on you and you

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Speaker 2: join in.

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Speaker 1: But you're not seeing them obviouslicks you're driving. Yeah, but

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Speaker 1: it's good. Interesting. I wish everyone knew that it was there,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't cost anything. It's enormously changed my life,

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Speaker 1: saving life. Yeah, we whihoul probab take a break, speaking

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Speaker 1: of things that save lives.

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Speaker 2: Yes, cash cash, Those are two lovely kind of questions.

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Speaker 1: What have we What have we got after the break?

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Speaker 2: Supporting your partner? Oh yeah, during mental and finding peace?

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Speaker 1: We write back. Hey, thanks for listening. It's Monday. It's

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Speaker 1: question and answers with me and Audrey. You can get

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Speaker 1: your questions in Oshiginsberg dot substack dot com. I'm putting

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Speaker 1: more and more writing up there that is not anywhere else,

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Speaker 1: which I'm really enjoying. The Friday podcasts have paused temporarily

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Speaker 1: while I'm on this book. Deadline, which is taking shape nicely.

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Speaker 1: But I really like the writing that goes into those,

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Speaker 1: and I like the thought explorations that I do with those,

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Speaker 1: And so I'm starting to put things up like because

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Speaker 1: I can. There's amount of to write it, and there's

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Speaker 1: the amount of time to record it and everything, so I

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Speaker 1: can still write it and then put it up on

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Speaker 1: sub sack. So that's happening to do that. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: going to put that stuff up there for subscribers. So

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Speaker 1: if you want to go there and support the work

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Speaker 1: that I'm doing, that's your thank you. You get to

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Speaker 1: you get something nobody else has, very special. You also

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Speaker 1: get to ask questions here.

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Speaker 2: What happened to your voice just then?

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Speaker 1: And I was trying to not burn?

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Speaker 2: Oh okay, you're so subtle, or I'm going through beauty again.

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Speaker 1: One of the subtle.

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Speaker 2: I had no idea that you were struggling with something.

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Speaker 2: Just that any who's Alicia? How to not feel guilty

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Speaker 2: or accept help when your partner is supporting you more

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Speaker 2: during a bad mental health episode or moment?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that can be hard, can't it? As the partner

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Speaker 1: or as the who's getting supported. Certainly, if you're feeling

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Speaker 1: not worthy of it. It can be very difficult. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it sounds like what they're describing. I would say to you, understand,

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Speaker 1: those thoughts are as distorted as the thoughts that are

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Speaker 1: giving you the bad mental health thing. Yeah, and I

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Speaker 1: like to give them a name. Put them in a

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Speaker 1: dumb superhero outfit with their underpants on the outside, and

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Speaker 1: draw them like a cartoon in my head the thought yeah,

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Speaker 1: or those those particular thoughts. Can you give us some

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Speaker 1: names of caphe is in my life and like a thanks,

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Speaker 1: Captain Catastrophe. I appreciate that. I'm just going to carry

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Speaker 1: on doing this thing. Captain Catastrophe is off shouting about

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Speaker 1: this and that and the other Sally from Solutions is

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Speaker 1: always there. Yeah, she's the one that figures out I've

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Speaker 1: got to do this. Thanks, Ali appreciate that. Monologue Man

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Speaker 1: is one of my favorites, aren't you Monologue Yeah? Sometimes

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Speaker 1: Monologue Man is the one that comes up with just

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Speaker 1: absolute burner debate moments. If I'm on Q and A

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Speaker 1: with someone in climate policy like monologue man, like that

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Speaker 1: will kill. If you ever get back on Q and A,

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Speaker 1: that line will be great. But right now I'm just

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Speaker 1: trying to eat weepis, So can you fucking up? Okay,

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Speaker 1: because otherwise just over crowdsy. So I don't know what's

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Speaker 1: one what's the name you could give to someone who's

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Speaker 1: unworthy because I have something like bear in mind, like

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Speaker 1: you looked after me, not because I asked you to,

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Speaker 1: because you wanted to. Yeah, all right, you could have

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Speaker 1: easily just as easily not done it. Yeah, and many

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Speaker 1: quite it, you know, not many times, but you definitely

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Speaker 1: said this is a bit much. You put the books

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Speaker 1: on when you to. Yeah, yeah, and that's important as well.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, you've got to appreciate that no one forces

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Speaker 1: anyone to do anything. People do what they want, what

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Speaker 1: they choose to do, and if someone's supporting you, they're

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Speaker 1: choosing to do it. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: There was a lot of bullying on my part though

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Speaker 2: on some occasions you did because you were very resistant

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Speaker 2: to help and help even being as much as I've

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Speaker 2: made you dinner, because you're incredibly sick right now and

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Speaker 2: you don't look like you're doing too well. Yeah, you're

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Speaker 2: kind of weird about it at times.

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Speaker 1: Bullying is the work. You were very insistent. Insistent is

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Speaker 1: probably more the word.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, I'll just remember that it would be a

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Speaker 2: bit of a battle.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know so, Yeah, I guess I would say, like,

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Speaker 1: find those thoughts, give them a dumb name, and remember

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Speaker 1: that the person's helping you just you know, not because

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Speaker 1: they're obliged to. They're doing it because they choose to

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Speaker 1: and be grateful for it.

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Speaker 2: But not in a worthless way.

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Speaker 1: No. Yeah, if you're trying to help a kid learn

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Speaker 1: how to walk, they're not going to go, oh, don't

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Speaker 1: help me, I'm so sorry, I don't need like, no,

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Speaker 1: they'd be grateful that you're getting help. Yeah. Yeah, someone

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Speaker 1: needs your help. They'd be grateful for it.

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Speaker 2: Do you think you're better at accepting help now?

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Speaker 1: I'm better at catching that I don't want to. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think I'll sometimes initially go no thanks and then

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Speaker 1: go actually know what? That would be lovely because I

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Speaker 1: think about it for a sec, because the automatic response

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Speaker 1: comes faster than I can get in there. Sometimes, but

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Speaker 1: sometimes I'm actually just okay. Sometimes I'm fine without help, okay.

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Speaker 2: Piggiero or pher what pains and struggles did you go

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Speaker 2: through as a boy that molded you into you?

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Speaker 1: Hanes? I know everything?

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Speaker 2: Could you be a little more scudd.

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Speaker 1: One of them I had a very unhealthy relationship with

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Speaker 1: and I've since I've since had a far far healthy

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Speaker 1: relationship with it. But there was a time where I

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Speaker 1: almost decided that I was the picked on guy in

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Speaker 1: an eighties teen movie at all times, Like it almost

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Speaker 1: decided that the cool guys from the sports Curu over

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Speaker 1: there at lunch they think I'm a shithead because I

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Speaker 1: played music They didn't, but I decided that they did.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes that actually happened, but sometimes I would decided yeah,

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Speaker 1: And so it kind of set me up for proving

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Speaker 1: myself in a way, I think, well, being better than

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Speaker 1: them and other stuff, which I eventually became. And I

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Speaker 1: have a far different relationship to that now, and so

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Speaker 1: if anything shaped molded that me who I am today,

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Speaker 1: it would be not being that guy anymore. Like I

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Speaker 1: look back at some stuff that I did around the

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Speaker 1: time I first met you, and I'm like, the fuck

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Speaker 1: was I thinking? Who did that? Who said that? You know? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: some of the things I've done and said just don't

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Speaker 1: relate to that at all. Like my values have shifted

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Speaker 1: so much and in a good way, in a really

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Speaker 1: good way. So similarly, you know, stuff like that, if

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Speaker 1: any if it's shaped anything. It's that I'm living differently

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Speaker 1: to that, and I'm rather rather than wanting to be

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Speaker 1: bigger than to make someone else notice me. I just

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Speaker 1: want to be as good as I can be, to

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Speaker 1: just see what life has, what I can discover out

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Speaker 1: of life just for me. If that means that people

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Speaker 1: notice me, then that's nice. But I'm quite happy with Wow,

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Speaker 1: I got really good at this thing. Okay, this is fun.

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Speaker 2: So as a youth, you would be behaving that way

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Speaker 2: to get the attention of the boys.

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Speaker 1: That you thought at the time. I didn't know, but

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Speaker 1: I think so.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, do you think you were seeking validation?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: Thing, Yeah, of course, why from those guys?

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Speaker 1: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: Were you just really into your movies.

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Speaker 1: Way too much? I got. I used to get really

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Speaker 1: affected by films.

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Speaker 2: Used to.

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Speaker 1: There was a blurry narrative sometimes that I would feel

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Speaker 1: I'd leave the picture theater and be when I sound

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Speaker 1: like I'm a thousand years old picture theater. I would

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Speaker 1: leave the cinema, the multiplex, the hoy set up an indro,

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Speaker 1: I'd leave the Intreprelli Heutz or whatever, thinking I was

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Speaker 1: still in whatever film, pulp fiction or you know, feeling

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Speaker 1: that be really but really feeling. It was I'll get

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Speaker 1: very very immersed in movies. I'm saying it was I

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Speaker 1: lost reality, but it was.

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Speaker 2: I used to escape into books. But I don't think

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Speaker 2: I ever walked around thinking Gandalf.

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Speaker 3: No, no, like a wizard, as much as I would

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Speaker 3: have loved to have been a wizaid No, it seemed cool.

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Speaker 1: I mean it goes in the mode i'd say that was.

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Speaker 1: That's the one that really kind of comes to mind

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Speaker 1: without requiring deep D m D therapy from my shrink,

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Speaker 1: unless you want to sit here and way your fingers

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Speaker 1: in front of my face and all the it's really interesting.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I've done that before. It's actually really it's really interesting.

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Speaker 1: You can't do it by yourself. You need to do

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Speaker 1: it with somebody.

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Speaker 2: I've done it online, Yeah, with my psych right, just

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Speaker 2: like following instructural video.

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Speaker 1: You need to be guided through it. But it's very powerful. Really,

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Speaker 1: our brains are so interesting that you can It's like

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Speaker 1: a cheat code on Mortal Kombat, you know, to get

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Speaker 1: the finishing move if you just do this.

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Speaker 2: It was more a street fighter girl.

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Speaker 1: Okay, well it's almost exactly. If you to get the

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00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,919
Speaker 1: cheek code, you get the hood door. You can you know,

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00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,600
Speaker 1: if you do this particular thing and do that particularly thing,

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Speaker 1: brain goes oh, and this unlocks of things.

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Speaker 2: It's incredible, isn't it. Yeah, we are very simple creatures.

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Speaker 2: But when we sit here thinking that we're so deep

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Speaker 2: and complicated and then move your eyes like this while

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Speaker 2: thinking about this being.

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Speaker 1: When I talk to people, when companies paying me to

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Speaker 1: come to them and you know, talk to them about

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Speaker 1: managing their mental health. When at work, I show a

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Speaker 1: video of a chicken being hypnotized. They lay the chicken

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Speaker 1: down and they draw a line in the sand in

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Speaker 1: front of it, and the chicken in the long video

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Speaker 1: that chi can stay there for twenty minutes, right, basically

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Speaker 1: to explain that, like, we're not better than that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, if you do this particular breath, you'll be

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Speaker 1: able to turn on your relaxation reflex. And then we

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Speaker 1: do the breath and they'll go, oh, it's really that easy.

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Speaker 2: Right, So it's not quite like Frank and Leela when

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Speaker 2: we put their food down and then sometimes forget.

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Speaker 1: To tell them our dogs yeah, because.

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Speaker 2: They're sitting on their beds and we tell them to wait,

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Speaker 2: and then we go and do stuff because we're trying

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Speaker 2: to get them to wait, and then forget to tell

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Speaker 2: them to go and then turn around and the still

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Speaker 2: staring at their food very obediently.

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Speaker 1: It's good though, because it makes it brain just cook. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and then they're tired. I don't buck it shit for

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Speaker 1: Thank you for doing this with me today.

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Speaker 2: You're welcome.

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Speaker 1: If people want to ask a question, they just simply

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Speaker 1: go at Oshagainsberg at substack dot com. Get in touch.

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Speaker 1: There'll leave a message button subscribe. Get on there, thanks Tim,

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Speaker 1: get on it, Get on it mate. Oh, here's the

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Speaker 1: credits of all the people help me make this.

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Speaker 2: In voices they made by things. Yes.

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Speaker 1: This episode was brought to you by Andy Maher on

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00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: audio post production, Beg Sayed on video post production to

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00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,160
Speaker 1: Hyder on music. Usher's executive function assistant is Monica Chapman.

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00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,399
Speaker 1: Sign up to the regular newsletter and get every episode

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Speaker 1: ever at Oshaginsburg dot com