1 00:00:05,921 --> 00:00:25,441 Speaker 1: Apote Production. Welcome back to another episode of Am I 2 00:00:25,561 --> 00:00:28,481 Speaker 1: A Bad Mom? Podcast? That's the question we constantly ask, 3 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:29,361 Speaker 1: am I a Bad Mom? 4 00:00:29,641 --> 00:00:33,200 Speaker 2: Weekend? Week out? I like to, you know, take this 5 00:00:33,281 --> 00:00:34,361 Speaker 2: moment to reflect. 6 00:00:34,881 --> 00:00:37,681 Speaker 3: It sounds like I'm making an actual statement, right, It's 7 00:00:37,721 --> 00:00:41,481 Speaker 3: like I'm reflecting on my parenting and this is how 8 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:46,681 Speaker 3: I went this week. It's a weekly reflection and some 9 00:00:46,721 --> 00:00:48,601 Speaker 3: weeks I genuinely look at it. 10 00:00:48,561 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 2: And go, oh, yeah, I definitely fucked up. 11 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,361 Speaker 1: Imagine if there was a professional that did that, like 12 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: literally checked in with you, maybe a weekly it was 13 00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,241 Speaker 1: little bit much, but had you go this month? 14 00:00:58,481 --> 00:00:58,721 Speaker 3: Yeah? 15 00:00:58,881 --> 00:01:02,081 Speaker 2: But an accountability coach for parenting? 16 00:01:02,281 --> 00:01:05,201 Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, when they walked off to the bedroom, I 17 00:01:05,281 --> 00:01:06,681 Speaker 1: flip the bird behind them. 18 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,561 Speaker 2: I've teld them not to falcof. 19 00:01:10,161 --> 00:01:12,961 Speaker 3: And then your accountability coach is like, okay, and how 20 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 3: do you feel about that? And You're like, well, obviously 21 00:01:15,961 --> 00:01:17,560 Speaker 3: in the moment, I felt so good. 22 00:01:19,481 --> 00:01:20,800 Speaker 2: How can we work on that? 23 00:01:20,961 --> 00:01:23,560 Speaker 1: Well? What I do is I just sink to their level. 24 00:01:25,721 --> 00:01:27,441 Speaker 1: And that's how it works in our house. 25 00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:30,521 Speaker 3: As you can tell, Katie and I are not going 26 00:01:30,601 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 3: to be accountability coaches. Am I a bad mum for 27 00:01:44,121 --> 00:01:50,761 Speaker 3: not receiving feedback. Well, oh yeah, right, okay, this just 28 00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:53,001 Speaker 3: carries on, I guess from what we were just talking 29 00:01:53,001 --> 00:01:55,881 Speaker 3: about now that I think about it, But have you 30 00:01:55,961 --> 00:02:01,721 Speaker 3: ever stopped and taken in feedback, whether it be positive 31 00:02:02,041 --> 00:02:05,281 Speaker 3: or negative, from your children. 32 00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:07,281 Speaker 1: About your parenting. 33 00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:11,001 Speaker 3: Look, I've had all sorts this week. I have had 34 00:02:11,321 --> 00:02:14,881 Speaker 3: feedback about my parenting. I've had feedback about the type 35 00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:15,881 Speaker 3: of person I am. 36 00:02:16,201 --> 00:02:19,441 Speaker 2: And then to chop it off, I had to chop 37 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:19,881 Speaker 2: it off. 38 00:02:20,201 --> 00:02:24,521 Speaker 3: I had feedback on my hair color because we weren't 39 00:02:24,641 --> 00:02:28,000 Speaker 3: impressed with it, and she'd prefer me to go back 40 00:02:28,041 --> 00:02:29,761 Speaker 3: and change it back to the way it was. 41 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:33,761 Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, So welcome to my world of teenagers, where 42 00:02:33,761 --> 00:02:36,721 Speaker 1: you just judged what you wear, what you look like, 43 00:02:36,841 --> 00:02:38,881 Speaker 1: what you say, the words that you don't know. 44 00:02:39,441 --> 00:02:40,321 Speaker 2: Oh yeah. 45 00:02:40,401 --> 00:02:42,401 Speaker 3: I got a bit of that in the car with 46 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,481 Speaker 3: extra girls as well, on our way to dance, and 47 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,321 Speaker 3: they were saying this particular word and I sort of 48 00:02:48,481 --> 00:02:52,201 Speaker 3: was not grasping what the word meant, and so yeah, 49 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,961 Speaker 3: I made the mistake of going, sorry, what does that 50 00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:58,281 Speaker 3: even mean? Oh my god, you're so not a cool 51 00:02:58,361 --> 00:02:59,481 Speaker 3: mand I don't even. 52 00:02:59,561 --> 00:03:03,401 Speaker 1: Know, Oh my god. And then you just feel about 53 00:03:03,401 --> 00:03:07,520 Speaker 1: yourself me, you mean bullied, failing like I swear honestly, 54 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,481 Speaker 1: I do therapy for this, do therapy to work on 55 00:03:10,561 --> 00:03:13,361 Speaker 1: my own self esteem for living with teenagers. 56 00:03:14,041 --> 00:03:15,681 Speaker 2: Think I'm shit shit. 57 00:03:16,121 --> 00:03:19,881 Speaker 3: I received feedback from my nine year old. 58 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,161 Speaker 2: Of course it was Elsie. 59 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 3: All these occasions happened to be. Els is very good 60 00:03:24,321 --> 00:03:25,681 Speaker 3: at expressing how she feels. 61 00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:29,921 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I like to encourage that. Encourage that because it. 62 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:37,121 Speaker 1: Comes to feedback. Okay, I'm all for expressing how you feel. 63 00:03:37,241 --> 00:03:40,801 Speaker 1: It's really important. Let it out, tell us what you're feeling, 64 00:03:41,201 --> 00:03:42,841 Speaker 1: until it comes to what you feel about me, and 65 00:03:42,841 --> 00:03:45,201 Speaker 1: then I don't want to know, keep it to yourself. 66 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:52,281 Speaker 3: Exactly how I was like standing there receiving the feedback, 67 00:03:52,681 --> 00:03:55,841 Speaker 3: having a moment where I was really taking it on board, 68 00:03:56,441 --> 00:03:58,361 Speaker 3: and then going, hang on a sec. 69 00:03:58,881 --> 00:04:01,281 Speaker 2: You're nine, Why are you giving me feedback? 70 00:04:01,361 --> 00:04:01,441 Speaker 3: Like? 71 00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:03,121 Speaker 2: Have you done this job before? 72 00:04:03,521 --> 00:04:05,801 Speaker 3: I don't know. Once you've done the job, I'm totally 73 00:04:05,881 --> 00:04:11,321 Speaker 3: open to your feedback. Until then, please hype down, friends, Please. 74 00:04:11,561 --> 00:04:12,601 Speaker 2: Just give it to yourself. 75 00:04:12,721 --> 00:04:16,200 Speaker 3: And so I know that you've also received certain things 76 00:04:16,961 --> 00:04:20,081 Speaker 3: from your girls, but on a different scale, I mean 77 00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:23,281 Speaker 3: they're really in full force teenage years. 78 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 1: Yeah, Oh yeah, you can't talk to me like that. 79 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: You're not supposed to say that. It's like they've read 80 00:04:30,481 --> 00:04:34,320 Speaker 1: stuff that a child psychologist would say and they already 81 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,921 Speaker 1: know it, Like I don't have. 82 00:04:35,841 --> 00:04:37,241 Speaker 2: Any backing to it. Right. 83 00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:40,801 Speaker 3: They can listen and take in all of these sorts 84 00:04:40,801 --> 00:04:45,521 Speaker 3: of pointers from online or reading blogs, but then not 85 00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:49,041 Speaker 3: have backing to it. So situational things will change, like 86 00:04:49,161 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 3: you can say, oh, you can't talk to me like that. Really, 87 00:04:51,921 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 3: So did you start paying rent here? I didn't know 88 00:04:54,521 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 3: that you were a tenant here. But at the same time, 89 00:04:58,641 --> 00:05:02,001 Speaker 3: with else, she just turned around. It was a delivery 90 00:05:02,041 --> 00:05:04,601 Speaker 3: of something and she just said, I actually don't like 91 00:05:04,641 --> 00:05:10,521 Speaker 3: the way that speaking to me right now. I was like, sorry, 92 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:14,320 Speaker 3: but it caught me so off guard, Katie so off guard, 93 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 3: and I was like, number one kind of wanted to 94 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:20,881 Speaker 3: praise her for its being so articulate about her feelings 95 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 3: because I appreciate that, But also number two, I was like, 96 00:05:25,121 --> 00:05:28,521 Speaker 3: I also want to put my two cents forward and say, 97 00:05:28,641 --> 00:05:33,401 Speaker 3: I actually don't like how you're ignoring every instruction I'm 98 00:05:33,481 --> 00:05:36,721 Speaker 3: giving you right now. So then we're both on the 99 00:05:36,761 --> 00:05:40,401 Speaker 3: same part of our feelings, mate, So just calm down 100 00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:41,081 Speaker 3: and rain. 101 00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:43,241 Speaker 2: Them in a little bit. But you know, like this 102 00:05:43,281 --> 00:05:44,361 Speaker 2: is the battle. 103 00:05:44,841 --> 00:05:47,241 Speaker 1: I feel like this is and we've spoken about this previously, 104 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:52,641 Speaker 1: but it's the two different worlds we lived in us 105 00:05:52,681 --> 00:05:56,561 Speaker 1: growing up and the parenting that we had compared to now, 106 00:05:56,721 --> 00:05:58,161 Speaker 1: because we. 107 00:05:58,161 --> 00:05:59,121 Speaker 2: Grew up with. 108 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,361 Speaker 1: You know, teachers and parents and adults in general respect 109 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,481 Speaker 1: to elders. Right, yeah, what adults tell you. You know, 110 00:06:07,561 --> 00:06:09,761 Speaker 1: if your teacher says this, and you know that's what 111 00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: you do, don't speak to me like that. I'm the adult. 112 00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:15,961 Speaker 1: Whereas now what they're being taught. And this is where 113 00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:18,921 Speaker 1: it's hard for us because we're the middle person. Like 114 00:06:19,041 --> 00:06:22,321 Speaker 1: we're the person that's been parented and brought up in 115 00:06:22,361 --> 00:06:26,161 Speaker 1: one way and are now expected to parents and. 116 00:06:26,161 --> 00:06:28,561 Speaker 2: Raised in another way. 117 00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:32,041 Speaker 1: And that's really hard to do. And because now they're going, 118 00:06:32,361 --> 00:06:35,041 Speaker 1: you can't talk to me like that. I'm an equal 119 00:06:35,081 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: to you. My teacher can't say this. If an adult 120 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:42,601 Speaker 1: says something that I don't agree with, I can speak up. 121 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,561 Speaker 1: And it's like, oh, where's the I don't understand what 122 00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,600 Speaker 1: was supposed to be teaching, what was supposed to be doing, 123 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:48,320 Speaker 1: which is right. 124 00:06:48,801 --> 00:06:51,041 Speaker 3: I think there's like those moments where you go, we're 125 00:06:51,081 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 3: really forging a path forward for future generations. I guess 126 00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:59,521 Speaker 3: of parenting, there's so much more ahead of us that 127 00:06:59,601 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 3: we probably we're aware of it right now, but at 128 00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,681 Speaker 3: the same time we've sort of got no grasp around 129 00:07:05,121 --> 00:07:07,161 Speaker 3: how to deal with it. Does that make sense, like 130 00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:10,081 Speaker 3: exactly that you're sort of looking at it going for Oh, 131 00:07:10,281 --> 00:07:15,481 Speaker 3: I'm so wired and programmed from being raised a certain way. 132 00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:17,921 Speaker 3: And I was only having this conversation with one of 133 00:07:17,961 --> 00:07:20,921 Speaker 3: the ladies who is lovely and works at one of 134 00:07:20,961 --> 00:07:23,601 Speaker 3: the places that I go to a lot, and she 135 00:07:23,721 --> 00:07:25,321 Speaker 3: was sort of saying something and I was like, that's 136 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:30,441 Speaker 3: because the resilience level in the generations have changed. 137 00:07:30,601 --> 00:07:31,841 Speaker 2: I looked at her. 138 00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:34,641 Speaker 3: She said something about her daughter not being well, and 139 00:07:34,681 --> 00:07:37,121 Speaker 3: then she went into like why she wasn't well, And 140 00:07:37,161 --> 00:07:38,441 Speaker 3: I looked at her and I said, do you want 141 00:07:38,481 --> 00:07:40,841 Speaker 3: to know a response that I'd received when I had 142 00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:42,121 Speaker 3: those same symptoms when. 143 00:07:42,081 --> 00:07:44,681 Speaker 2: I was a teenager, Have a glass of water and 144 00:07:44,721 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 2: go to school. 145 00:07:45,201 --> 00:07:48,961 Speaker 1: You'll be fine here, which is what we have also 146 00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:52,001 Speaker 1: said in the past. There were so many times where 147 00:07:52,001 --> 00:07:53,641 Speaker 1: my kids would say they were sick and it would 148 00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:56,241 Speaker 1: literally I'd have two responses every single time, because you 149 00:07:56,281 --> 00:07:57,881 Speaker 1: are going to school because I have to go away, 150 00:07:58,281 --> 00:08:00,361 Speaker 1: have a glass of water, put a band aid on it. 151 00:08:00,401 --> 00:08:04,801 Speaker 1: Like literally, there's only two solutions to any illness. 152 00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:06,321 Speaker 3: I had just I looked at her and said, well, 153 00:08:06,321 --> 00:08:10,241 Speaker 3: that's the resilience piece we need to build stronger humans. 154 00:08:10,681 --> 00:08:13,801 Speaker 1: She's like, look, we can't know because also, on the 155 00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:17,961 Speaker 1: other hand, is we've admitted we're, you know, a bit 156 00:08:18,041 --> 00:08:21,041 Speaker 1: helicoptery when it comes to parenting, and we have fussed 157 00:08:21,041 --> 00:08:24,521 Speaker 1: around them, we have, and so how can we expect 158 00:08:24,561 --> 00:08:27,161 Speaker 1: them to all of a sudden then have resilience if 159 00:08:27,201 --> 00:08:30,761 Speaker 1: we haven't actually made them. You know, we never wanted 160 00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,841 Speaker 1: to send them out on their bikes and come home 161 00:08:32,841 --> 00:08:35,441 Speaker 1: when the street lights are on when they're five, which 162 00:08:35,521 --> 00:08:39,441 Speaker 1: is kind of how we grew up. But I was 163 00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:43,241 Speaker 1: told recently because I had this conversation with someone who 164 00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:47,161 Speaker 1: is a psychologist. I hope to god she doesn't listen 165 00:08:47,161 --> 00:08:53,201 Speaker 1: to the podcast Okay with Water stuff we do or 166 00:08:53,281 --> 00:08:55,521 Speaker 1: talk about at all. But she did say, Katie, what 167 00:08:55,521 --> 00:08:58,121 Speaker 1: you got to remember is we're now allowing them to 168 00:08:58,161 --> 00:09:01,121 Speaker 1: be children. We weren't really allowed to be children. We 169 00:09:01,121 --> 00:09:03,641 Speaker 1: grew up too fast, and now we're allowing our children 170 00:09:03,721 --> 00:09:04,561 Speaker 1: to be children. 171 00:09:05,081 --> 00:09:09,761 Speaker 3: True, well, my child still into a child that's you know, 172 00:09:09,921 --> 00:09:13,841 Speaker 3: within that bracket of children. Also, just to wrap up 173 00:09:13,881 --> 00:09:16,121 Speaker 3: the feedback, decided to tell me that she didn't like 174 00:09:16,161 --> 00:09:18,401 Speaker 3: my hair color and that she also just thinks I 175 00:09:18,401 --> 00:09:20,361 Speaker 3: should go back to the hairdresser. 176 00:09:19,881 --> 00:09:22,241 Speaker 2: And fix it back to what it was. How does 177 00:09:22,281 --> 00:09:24,121 Speaker 2: that feel? Yeah, I looked at her. 178 00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:26,601 Speaker 3: I was like, I didn't say anything because I was like, 179 00:09:27,361 --> 00:09:32,001 Speaker 3: surely they'll notice it's, you know, substantially darker than blonde. 180 00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:35,641 Speaker 2: And she was like, yeah, did you do something? What 181 00:09:35,721 --> 00:09:36,601 Speaker 2: did you get? Like? 182 00:09:36,721 --> 00:09:40,561 Speaker 3: Are they extensions? Can you take them out? It was like, 183 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:44,041 Speaker 3: can't just say that I look nice or something? And 184 00:09:44,081 --> 00:09:46,681 Speaker 3: she was like, yeah, I know, I really prefer the blonde. 185 00:09:46,681 --> 00:09:47,521 Speaker 3: Can you put it back in? 186 00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:51,201 Speaker 1: They're too honest, They're too honest. I remember having my haircut. 187 00:09:51,241 --> 00:09:52,921 Speaker 1: This is a few years ago, and I was in 188 00:09:52,961 --> 00:09:56,041 Speaker 1: the car and like I picked them up from school, 189 00:09:56,041 --> 00:09:58,321 Speaker 1: but I had my haircut before that, and I remember 190 00:09:58,361 --> 00:10:01,481 Speaker 1: them just both staring at me, and I didn't say anything, 191 00:10:01,561 --> 00:10:03,401 Speaker 1: and it was quite a lot shorter, and they're just 192 00:10:03,441 --> 00:10:06,361 Speaker 1: staring at me. But the way that they stared at 193 00:10:06,401 --> 00:10:09,201 Speaker 1: me was like like disgust. 194 00:10:08,801 --> 00:10:11,761 Speaker 2: Or that's what I received. Do you like my hair? 195 00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:15,521 Speaker 1: And they went no, no, that's water. I was like, well, 196 00:10:15,561 --> 00:10:17,601 Speaker 1: now I'm stuck with it. I can't stick it back on. 197 00:10:17,881 --> 00:10:20,161 Speaker 3: But why do we start to then question ourselves and 198 00:10:20,201 --> 00:10:22,881 Speaker 3: our choices. It was my choice to go dark. I 199 00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:25,241 Speaker 3: actually don't care about your feedback. I actually don't care 200 00:10:25,281 --> 00:10:27,401 Speaker 3: if you don't like it, I'm going to chop your 201 00:10:27,401 --> 00:10:29,841 Speaker 3: hair off because. 202 00:10:31,361 --> 00:10:32,761 Speaker 2: Gave you such poor feedback. 203 00:10:33,561 --> 00:10:37,521 Speaker 1: That's the piece of sinking to their That's what we 204 00:10:37,641 --> 00:10:40,121 Speaker 1: do best, and sink back down to their level and 205 00:10:40,161 --> 00:10:41,201 Speaker 1: say what they would say.