WEBVTT - #2105 Self-Regulation in Tough Situations - Bobby Cappuccio 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:05.160 A good eight champs and championettes. I guess it's champs around, really, 0:00:05.160 --> 0:00:07.600 isn't it. It's not a gender thing, good a champs. 0:00:08.160 --> 0:00:11.640 It's Jumbo, it's Tiff, it's Bobby, it's the Project, that's you. 0:00:11.880 --> 0:00:17.600 It's Thursday. Is it Thursday? Ye, it's Thursday, and we're 0:00:17.640 --> 0:00:22.200 all busy, We're busy. Just what's her name? Tiff? I 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:26.200 had Tazzy and Tiff. TIFFs just got back from Tazzy, 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:29.840 so that twenty seven times fast. And Bobby's just got 0:00:29.880 --> 0:00:33.400 back from the West Coast to the East coast, No, 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:35.560 the other way around the East coast to the West coast. 0:00:36.040 --> 0:00:41.080 Is it nice being back in the sun, Bobby. 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:42.440 Well, it's Clardyon raining here. It was really nice being 0:00:42.520 --> 0:00:46.400 back on the East coast. To be fair, it's blows freezing. 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:51.280 It got colder in New York than it wasn't Antartica 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:52.960 at one point, but I loved it. 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:57.600 Nice. Tazzy was Tazzy colder than here. 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:01.600 Tiff, Well, thank you for Lee because here was quite 0:01:01.680 --> 0:01:04.480 ludicrous when I left, but it was. It was about 0:01:04.520 --> 0:01:06.800 twenty two to twenty three every day, which in Taggy 0:01:06.880 --> 0:01:07.560 is just lovely. 0:01:08.920 --> 0:01:13.440 Yeah, yeah, yeah, Well it's all been going on. We've 0:01:13.480 --> 0:01:15.520 all had a few things going on. I want to 0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:19.600 unpack any of mine, but I will one day. And Bobby, 0:01:19.640 --> 0:01:22.120 how are you feeling because you've had a few peaks 0:01:22.120 --> 0:01:25.880 and troughs. How's your head, how's your heart, how's your energy? 0:01:26.319 --> 0:01:27.040 How to work? 0:01:29.040 --> 0:01:31.040 Yeah? Things have been things have been intense. A lot 0:01:31.040 --> 0:01:33.400 of stuff happened in hopes. But you know what, I'm 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:36.920 still alive. I'm still here. So let's talk about that. 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:41.080 Let's talk about like all of us coaches, all of 0:01:41.160 --> 0:01:45.360 us are coaches in some shape or form, what's your 0:01:45.360 --> 0:01:49.720 responsibility or what's the expectation? Because I've been thinking about 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:50.279 this lately. 0:01:50.400 --> 0:01:50.600 You know. 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:54.480 It's like you said to me just before we started, 0:01:55.280 --> 0:01:57.040 how are your parents? And I went, yeah, I can't 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:59.800 tell you. That's not a one minute answer. That's more. 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:02.960 And by the way, everybody, thanks for all your well wishes. 0:02:03.440 --> 0:02:07.360 A few struggles going on on a planet Harper, but 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:10.760 they're getting there, they're okay. But what do you think. 0:02:10.960 --> 0:02:13.400 Let's start with you, tif Like, I know you have 0:02:13.520 --> 0:02:15.760 peaks and troughs because you talk about it, our listeners, 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.520 your listeners know about it. And in the middle of 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:22.120 you know, shit falling apart, which you can sometimes for 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:24.040 a month or a week or a day or an hour. 0:02:25.080 --> 0:02:29.320 What's your kind of thinking around how do I still 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:34.000 be that positive, high energy person but also be authentic 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.960 because at the moment, I feel like dogshit, But you 0:02:37.000 --> 0:02:39.920 can't turn up to coach someone and go probably won't 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:42.680 be a great session because I'm having a moment. How 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:43.720 do you navigate that? 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:48.920 I think I'm like when you show up to do 0:02:49.040 --> 0:02:52.800 a job, you kind of step into that not character 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:56.720 so much, but that professional space, like that headspace. But 0:02:56.800 --> 0:02:59.600 in the middle of that, I feel like I've always 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:05.720 maintained and a pretty open persona and you know, I 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:08.079 share what's going on, not not in this session. It's 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:11.320 like once we're done with that, yeah, definitely, or maybe 0:03:11.360 --> 0:03:15.040 sometimes sometimes it's relevant. Sometimes it's relevant to go, oh, 0:03:15.080 --> 0:03:17.240 this is this is what's going on for me right now, 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:19.280 and this is what i'm you know, and sometimes there's 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:20.760 helpful insights in that. 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:22.240 Yeah. 0:03:22.320 --> 0:03:27.560 What about for you? Energy management? Like do you get 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:30.480 to the point where you go just where I'm at 0:03:30.560 --> 0:03:35.120 right now my energy and my head, like I'm just exhausted, 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.360 I've got no juice in the tank. It's probably better 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:41.560 for the client that I go listen, Can we just 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:43.920 put this one on hold? Yeah? 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:47.720 Yeah. Often we'll not not putting people on hold often, 0:03:47.760 --> 0:03:51.800 but I often have to manage my energy, especially lately 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:56.760 like hormones awol, and it's new for me. It's new 0:03:56.800 --> 0:03:59.840 to go. I'm why am I so tired right now? 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:03.040 And how like, I've had to change a lot of 0:04:03.080 --> 0:04:05.440 how I do things so that I can continue to 0:04:05.440 --> 0:04:07.760 show up because you you know, like it's people first, 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:08.840 it's your job first. 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:12.520 Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, it's tricky. 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:13.240 It's tricky. 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:16.640 What about you, Robert, What about when you're not you're 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:20.000 personally not feeling great, but you want to show up 0:04:20.240 --> 0:04:22.960 and be a version of great for your clients, or 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:24.200 your team or your audience. 0:04:26.200 --> 0:04:29.839 I think my perspective is similar to Tiffanis. First of all, 0:04:29.839 --> 0:04:32.679 I don't think it's important to show up quote unquote 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.640 positive all the time for every session. I was listening 0:04:35.640 --> 0:04:40.960 to your podcast with doctor ca McDonald We love Them. 0:04:41.120 --> 0:04:44.279 I really enjoyed that episode. But you had pointed out 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:48.400 you can't always control how you feel, so there's a 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:50.720 lot of influences there. So for me, it's a matter 0:04:50.760 --> 0:04:54.360 of what am I focusing on? Where am I directing 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:57.719 my attention? Which I mean, if you have a lot 0:04:57.760 --> 0:05:01.479 of stuff on and you you know, let's say you 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.400 haven't slapped, you're fatigued, you are more susceptible to things 0:05:05.440 --> 0:05:09.560 like emotional contagion. But at the same time, what's also 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:14.560 true is focusing single mindedly on your client. That conversation 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:17.960 is in fact a form of mindfulness, and it's very 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.200 helpful for you to step outside of yourself as much 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:26.680 as you realistically can and focus single mindedly on what's 0:05:26.760 --> 0:05:29.640 important for the client in front of you in the moment. 0:05:29.680 --> 0:05:33.960 So I don't think positivity is something that you need 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:37.599 to show up with every single session, But I think 0:05:38.040 --> 0:05:43.000 self awareness and tak us some time before the session, 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:46.039 not jumping from one thing into another, just even a 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:48.880 couple of minutes ago. Kurk Right, what's my intention here, 0:05:49.600 --> 0:05:54.120 where's my focus? Whatever mental reserve I have? How do 0:05:54.160 --> 0:05:57.159 I allocate that away from me and towards the client 0:05:57.200 --> 0:05:57.919 for a little while. 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:02.240 I think if we like, as you're saying this, as 0:06:02.320 --> 0:06:05.920 we're saying this, I'm recognizing and respecting that most people 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.159 who listen to this aren't coaches. So I think it's 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:14.080 probably and that's that's not good or bad, that's just 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:14.719 a situation. 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:16.320 But also I. 0:06:16.320 --> 0:06:19.320 Would think the majority, more than fifty percent, may be 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:23.680 way higher of our listeners are parents, and I think 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:27.360 or as a parent, or as a partner, or as 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:30.840 a boss for that matter, whatever, or a coach. Yeah, 0:06:30.880 --> 0:06:33.360 how do I show up like I would think? 0:06:34.400 --> 0:06:35.240 Well, I wouldn't think. 0:06:35.520 --> 0:06:39.320 I respect that parenting is fucking infinitely harder than doing 0:06:39.360 --> 0:06:42.760 the job. Us three dumb asses do right, None of 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:45.280 us to my knowledge, Bobby, unless there's something you want 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:47.920 to tell differ and I right now. Although Tiff is 0:06:47.920 --> 0:06:51.920 a parent of sorts and you have been to and 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:54.039 I have been for that matter, But yeah, like, just 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:56.240 how do I be a mum or a dad, or 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:58.240 how do I be a good friend, or how do 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:03.560 I just be that person for that person and without 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.240 denying what I'm going through all my feelings but not 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:10.840 kind of let them be a victim of my not 0:07:10.960 --> 0:07:13.480 feeling good in the moment, Like, how do I be 0:07:14.560 --> 0:07:17.920 as consistent as I can for them? 0:07:18.360 --> 0:07:24.320 Either of you? I think sometimes part of that is 0:07:24.400 --> 0:07:25.120 being honest. 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:25.680 You know. 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:30.640 Brene Brown said something where she talked about in marriage 0:07:30.800 --> 0:07:35.880 that type of relationship. Sometimes one person shows up with 0:07:35.960 --> 0:07:39.640 a lot more energy reserves than another, and you hold 0:07:39.640 --> 0:07:43.320 that space like some person might be at like hundred percent, 0:07:43.680 --> 0:07:46.360 but your partner might be at sixty. And you know 0:07:46.760 --> 0:07:48.520 the Internet, she got a lot of flak for that. 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:50.400 It's like, no, everybody, you have to show up one 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:52.960 hundred percent all the time, be committed. And it's like, 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:56.600 I think you're being dishonest and unfair to your partner 0:07:56.800 --> 0:07:59.600 because even if you're showing up one hundred percent all 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:03.720 the time, which will to be fair, that's unlikely that 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:07.920 you do. Your one hundred looks very different day to day. 0:08:08.600 --> 0:08:11.880 And sometimes, you know, just telling your partner, hey, you know, 0:08:12.400 --> 0:08:14.880 this is where I'm at and this is what I'm 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:18.600 going through, I think that mitigates the intensity of those 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:23.080 emotions in you. It's honest, it's authentic with your partner. 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:27.000 I think there's also urgency and importance. You know, some 0:08:27.000 --> 0:08:31.880 some conversations that are critical are important, some are urgent. 0:08:32.840 --> 0:08:35.520 Some are a combination of the two. So if you're 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:39.480 dealing with something that is highly important but it's not urgent, 0:08:39.520 --> 0:08:42.160 we don't have to have this right now. I think 0:08:42.240 --> 0:08:45.920 sometimes just say hey, you know, this is my bandwidth 0:08:45.960 --> 0:08:49.080 in the moment, and I know this is important to you, 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:52.640 right and I really want to be present, you know it. 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:56.600 Can we do this, you know tomorrow, because I don't 0:08:56.640 --> 0:08:59.439 want my stuff to get in the way now. Sometimes 0:08:59.559 --> 0:09:02.360 things are urgent and you can't really do that and 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:06.480 then showing up as much as you possibly can. But 0:09:06.800 --> 0:09:10.800 I think it's that level of honesty with yourself and 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:13.640 your honesty with the person you're speaking to. And by 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:18.280 the way, this is coming from someone who hypocritically doesn't 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:22.600 always practice that, because there's a difference between where I 0:09:22.640 --> 0:09:25.520 think I should be and where I actually am. And 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:28.760 it's like, Okay, I'm feeling like I'll scale from one 0:09:28.800 --> 0:09:30.560 to ten. I'm like a four, But okay, I'm going 0:09:30.640 --> 0:09:32.520 to do this right now because somebody else wants me 0:09:32.559 --> 0:09:36.000 to do this, and there's a place I think that's important. 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:40.240 But sometimes like can I give Can I give an 0:09:40.240 --> 0:09:43.719 example of something that happened with me? And this this 0:09:43.760 --> 0:09:47.960 isn't like a personal relationship, but my first hands on 0:09:48.320 --> 0:09:51.880 practical coaching exam I ever took. This is going back 0:09:51.920 --> 0:09:55.680 a long time ago. I was ready, I was there 0:09:55.679 --> 0:09:59.440 at the table, I was anxious and I got on 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:03.600 with instructor and she was in bits. This is someone 0:10:03.640 --> 0:10:06.640 who I've been in correspondence with, and she was she 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:09.600 was you could tell she's she had been crying and 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:12.760 something had really gone very very wrong in her marriage 0:10:13.080 --> 0:10:16.360 that morning. And she's like, I don't think I have 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:20.400 I don't think I have the mental space to do this, 0:10:20.800 --> 0:10:23.600 and I know all the preparation that went into this. 0:10:24.240 --> 0:10:29.680 Can we reschedule? And one I remember feeling horrible for 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:34.080 her because I know if I was on the other 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:36.120 end of that call what that would have felt like, 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:40.480 plus the stuff she was going through. But I also 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:44.000 remember feeling quite grateful because I thought that was not 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:47.760 something I was doing for her, that was also something 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:50.839 simultaneously she was doing for me, because she could have 0:10:50.920 --> 0:10:54.480 powered through that, and that's something that could have affected, 0:10:55.000 --> 0:10:57.400 you know, my life and hers. So I think that 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:03.600 level of openness and honest and awareness is important. Yeah, 0:11:03.760 --> 0:11:04.440 one hundred percent. 0:11:05.160 --> 0:11:07.720 So I'm going to present a hypothetical, or I guess 0:11:07.760 --> 0:11:12.880 a question to you, tiff In. When we talk about 0:11:12.960 --> 0:11:16.080 negative states that we all get into emotional and psychological, 0:11:16.080 --> 0:11:19.280 I'm speaking about more which we know have a physical consequence. 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:25.640 But what's the state that's most likely to derail. 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:26.160 You in the moment. 0:11:26.960 --> 0:11:29.720 So I'm sure there's more than this, but what comes 0:11:29.800 --> 0:11:33.160 to mind for me is anxiety, self doubt, for our 0:11:33.280 --> 0:11:38.440 self loathing, overthinking. Maybe there's another one, but what's the 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:42.680 one that for you has been the biggest struggle? So 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:45.560 two part question that like, what what's going to fuck 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:50.679 you up the most? I just I may or may 0:11:50.679 --> 0:11:53.040 not riff on this, but for me, I think it's unworthiness. 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:57.200 I always feel not good enough, unworthy. What's the biggest 0:11:57.200 --> 0:11:59.280 one for you? And then how do you deal with that? 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:00.960 You do about that? 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:11.600 I feel like maybe overwhelm because I don't recognize and 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:13.400 I don't know what to do with it. And I 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:17.640 felt a bit recently, so I think overwhelmed can get 0:12:17.720 --> 0:12:20.199 put me into a state of a lot of those things, 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:27.839 anxiety and reactivity and irritability and negativity and being quite 0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:30.800 cynical and a very different version of myself. So my 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:36.520 outlook of everything shifts, and I actually can't in that moment. 0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:39.480 Definitely it's a struggle to pinpoint it. So I'm like, 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:42.960 I don't actually I can't recognize where this is coming from. 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:45.200 It's going to take a bit of stepping back and 0:12:45.240 --> 0:12:49.040 getting self aware and looking at my environment and what's 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:51.160 going on at the moment and try and piece it together. 0:12:52.720 --> 0:12:55.080 But yeah, just being that person in the middle of 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:57.640 that is very hard and frustrating for me. 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:02.360 Because I'm this is my guess, right, that state as 0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:05.559 an emotional state. You are emotional, but then you've got 0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:10.000 to try and understand it logically and as critically as 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.720 a critical thinker, you know. And so you're in this 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.080 state where you're actually your prefrontal cortext is not operating 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:18.680 at an all time high, so you can't think real 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:23.360 clearly because you're in overwhelm. Yeah. Yeah, that's maybe only 0:13:23.400 --> 0:13:26.079 a hindsight thing that where you can an hour or 0:13:26.120 --> 0:13:29.440 two later go, nah, I think it was this and 0:13:29.480 --> 0:13:31.080 this is probably the reason why. 0:13:31.440 --> 0:13:35.679 Yeah. And what's interesting is because I've always been very independent. 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:39.520 I think I always it's easy to withdraw and just 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:45.360 not be around people. So that's confronting as well. So 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:49.199 now I have someone in my life that I am 0:13:49.240 --> 0:13:51.800 speaking to every day and I can't just I can't 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:55.880 just withdraw, So I have to go, oh, I can't just. 0:13:56.200 --> 0:13:57.720 It's so good you said that. 0:13:57.800 --> 0:13:59.360 I was going to say I know I've thrown you 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:02.640 under the bus hundred times with old mate we love him, 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:06.480 good Scotti. You're a big fuck stick, Yeah, a big 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:11.280 fuck stick. But yeah, I think for you because, like 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:15.480 I've said a thousand times tips the girl who's got 0:14:15.960 --> 0:14:18.000 you know, the T shirt that says give me a 0:14:18.080 --> 0:14:21.600 hug and the baseball cap that says but fuck off. Though, right, 0:14:22.240 --> 0:14:26.960 so like you're you're also you're quite quite lovable, but 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:30.920 a little bit fucking terrifying. And so even for me, 0:14:30.960 --> 0:14:32.920 who reads people pretty well, I'm. 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:34.200 Like, eah, fuck, I don't know. 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:38.280 I don't know, you know, And I could be really. 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:44.520 Aware of being quite cunty. There's no other word to 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.600 describe how I feel when i'm that. 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:48.960 But I'm like, can you say that again, because I 0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:50.920 think I spoke of you. 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:55.000 I can be very aware when I'm being quite cunty 0:14:56.120 --> 0:14:59.800 and go and I'm like, oh, I don't want to 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:03.280 be that person, but right now that's the person that 0:15:03.440 --> 0:15:06.640 is stuck inside me. And so I don't want to 0:15:06.640 --> 0:15:09.600 be around people and I don't think it's fair on them. 0:15:10.160 --> 0:15:12.680 And then yeah, it's a challenge. 0:15:13.320 --> 0:15:16.080 And right now my Migdala is running the show. So 0:15:16.160 --> 0:15:19.200 you can all fuck off get back to me in 0:15:19.240 --> 0:15:23.160 an hour or so, Bobby, Bobby, what about you in 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:25.320 terms of like when something's going to come? 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:27.320 I could be county as well. Why do you ask? 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:33.000 Well, we know that, but specifically when something some emotional 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:37.160 state or whatever kind of what's the thing most likely 0:15:37.360 --> 0:15:37.960 to take you. 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:44.000 Out of the game temporarily? Wow, there's so many of them. 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:48.360 I think overwhelm is definitely part of that. Overwhelm is 0:15:48.520 --> 0:15:51.800 big for me. The other thing is, I don't know 0:15:51.840 --> 0:15:57.480 how like whether it's self anger or disappointment. But when 0:15:57.600 --> 0:16:01.600 I feel like I'm about to fail on one, not 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:06.720 fail because you know I'll feel disappointment, I'll get over it. 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:11.880 Sometimes I find failure quite engaging, like I actually enjoy 0:16:11.960 --> 0:16:15.040 it because of what you learn in reflection. But if 0:16:15.080 --> 0:16:20.640 I feel like I'm about to fail another person, yes, 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:25.160 that is so disruptive for me. And it can be 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:28.680 over something small like my wife send me to the 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:32.440 shop and say I bring back you know, salmon, and 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:38.600 I'll bring back I don't know, like cigarettes, cigarettes. That 0:16:38.640 --> 0:16:44.600 would be funny, and I will feel this incredible sense 0:16:44.680 --> 0:16:48.720 of angst inside. Like for her, she'll be like, oh okay, yeah, whatever, 0:16:48.880 --> 0:16:53.720 for me, I will feel like self loathing and disgust, 0:16:53.880 --> 0:16:59.120 and I'll also feel fear as if like there's going 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:03.760 to be severe repercussions. And I know where that stuff 0:17:03.880 --> 0:17:08.680 comes from. Yeah, and that's not the relationship I'm in 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:11.680 in my marriage, but it's definitely the relationship I grew 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:17.760 up in. So I think, upon reflection again, to TIFF's point, 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:21.320 I can say, oh, I see what happened there. It's 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:25.640 not that serious, and I can recalibrate, But in the moment, 0:17:26.119 --> 0:17:30.640 I don't really have access to my cognitive faculties. And 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:32.359 you know what, I'm a complete state. 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:39.119 So what is I think difficult sometimes is how do 0:17:39.200 --> 0:17:43.639 I say this? So right now, Mum and Dad are 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:48.199 going through some stuff and Mums let's just say, you know, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:51.439 her memory and stuff's not working great, and there's you know, 0:17:52.200 --> 0:17:54.560 there's a few issues. But she will say something to 0:17:54.600 --> 0:17:58.920 me one day and then emphatically say the opposite the 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:03.240 next day, right. And the thing that didn't worry her 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.320 the day before is a cadashphe the next day, right. 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:08.880 And so for me, the. 0:18:10.680 --> 0:18:11.800 Like there's two parts this. 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:15.480 There's a real cognitive part, a critical thinking part, and 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:18.919 there's an emotional part empathy, you know, and it's trying 0:18:19.000 --> 0:18:23.000 to trying to just be wherever they're at, you know, 0:18:23.119 --> 0:18:26.359 rather than going, mum, we spoke about this yesterday you said, yes, 0:18:26.440 --> 0:18:28.879 it's all good. And now I don't do that. I 0:18:28.880 --> 0:18:31.119 don't even try to do that. I just try to 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:32.640 love her. I go, how do I be the most 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:35.480 loving and how do we get through this conversation because 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:36.399 all I don't. 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:38.840 Firstly, I want to look after them physically, but I 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:41.440 just this is weird. 0:18:41.480 --> 0:18:46.120 But for me, I just want to be for them 0:18:46.640 --> 0:18:50.760 emotionally and mentally, because I think that's the biggest trauma. 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:54.320 The physiology. Yeah, sure things have fallen apart a bit, 0:18:54.400 --> 0:18:57.720 but you know, old people get to a point, and 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:01.040 I mean this with love nearly all old people where 0:19:01.080 --> 0:19:05.040 just everything's overwhelming and terrifying and they can't remember shit, 0:19:05.200 --> 0:19:08.080 and you know, it just goes there. So for me, 0:19:08.160 --> 0:19:12.200 it's trying to, you know, theory of mind understand what's 0:19:12.240 --> 0:19:16.240 going on in their mind, but also empathy understand what's 0:19:16.280 --> 0:19:19.200 going on in their feelings and their emotions. So it's 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:23.240 this kind of duality, this dual processing thing that's happening 0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:25.919 in real time. Like I'm trying to figure out what 0:19:25.960 --> 0:19:30.120 the fuck is she thinking? But literally what is she thinking? 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:34.520 You know, like not critically, like curiously, what is she thinking? 0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:37.240 And why and why are we here today and yesterday 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:42.520 we were there? And now emotionally what is her experience now? 0:19:42.560 --> 0:19:45.520 What is she feeling now? And for me, that's it's 0:19:45.560 --> 0:19:50.560 been a yeah, it's been a big step out of 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:52.760 the theory of all of this that I've spent so 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:56.360 long on and bits and pieces of you know, real 0:19:56.400 --> 0:19:59.360 life and reality, but now where it's like, oh, I'm 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:02.560 at the cold face of this and as an experience 0:20:02.720 --> 0:20:05.520 it is definitely not the same as the theory. 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:10.600 What harps is it like to manage because you need 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:14.879 to manage you and your overwhelmed in a moment where 0:20:15.160 --> 0:20:17.840 where then you put them at the forefront, Like that's 0:20:17.840 --> 0:20:19.280 a that's a bit dynamic. 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:26.359 Yeah, yeah, well as being you know, at first, everyone, 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:28.720 I'm fine, but I'm pretty fucked at the moment. 0:20:28.840 --> 0:20:29.560 Like I'm tired. 0:20:30.160 --> 0:20:35.320 I'm tired, you know, I'm about had to delay my 0:20:35.600 --> 0:20:38.640 PhD stuff a little bit, but I just got by 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:40.840 the way everyone. I've got feed This doesn't mean much 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:44.440 to most people, but I've got feedback from two quite 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:48.080 good academic journals that two of my papers are a potential, 0:20:48.160 --> 0:20:50.760 so they didn't get what's called a desk reject, which 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:54.919 about ninety percent of papers get rejected straight up in 0:20:55.160 --> 0:20:58.920 good as you know, Bobby in good and probably TIF 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:01.160 in good journals. 0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:02.359 So that's good. 0:21:02.440 --> 0:21:04.919 But yeah, so at the moment, I'm trying to finish 0:21:05.040 --> 0:21:07.840 this thing that I've been chipping away at forever, and 0:21:07.880 --> 0:21:10.200 I'm trying to obviously Mum and Dad in my priority 0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:13.520 like flat out, so nothing else, you know, if I 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:16.439 had to move there and stop everything six months, that's 0:21:16.480 --> 0:21:20.000 what I do, right, So trying to navigate that, trying 0:21:20.040 --> 0:21:22.840 to manage my own energy, Like I'm going up to 0:21:22.840 --> 0:21:26.520 see them tomorrow and I'm literally going up to have lunch, 0:21:27.240 --> 0:21:30.200 you know, And so there's depending on the traffic, four 0:21:30.240 --> 0:21:34.840 to five hours driving to spend ninety minutes with them, 0:21:34.960 --> 0:21:38.280 you know, or two hours, and that's fine too. Yeah, 0:21:38.320 --> 0:21:41.520 So it's the answer is I'm not great at it. 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:48.320 The answer is I'm learning, and I just, at the 0:21:48.400 --> 0:21:51.280 risk is sounding cheesy, I'm trying to lead with love 0:21:52.240 --> 0:21:55.760 and see what happens, try not to have a breakdown. 0:21:56.760 --> 0:22:01.679 Yeah that probably sounded super sloppy, pologize everyone that's not 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:02.640 enterstanding at all. 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:05.800 I think it's important because I think it's I mean, 0:22:05.840 --> 0:22:08.320 you say it to me often a version of this 0:22:08.640 --> 0:22:10.760 is it like this is now when it matters, and 0:22:10.800 --> 0:22:14.080 it goes to show us in a world where there's 0:22:14.119 --> 0:22:17.199 solutions and information and data and how to do this 0:22:17.359 --> 0:22:21.040 and how to get better. And then there's the reality 0:22:21.080 --> 0:22:23.440 of it's like, it's always going to be hard, though, 0:22:23.920 --> 0:22:25.480 and we're going to be messy when we get in 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:28.080 the middle of that, no matter how many PhDs and 0:22:28.119 --> 0:22:31.480 how much thegory we've on board about it. 0:22:33.160 --> 0:22:34.360 And also think about this. 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:37.720 Let's say Bobby goes to me, Hey, Craig, I'm really 0:22:37.760 --> 0:22:40.760 dealing with I'm fucking I feel overwhelmed, and then later 0:22:40.880 --> 0:22:44.119 you say to me, Hey, Craig, I feel overwhelmed. I 0:22:44.119 --> 0:22:48.360 could have a conversation with Bobby that's really quite valuable 0:22:48.400 --> 0:22:51.000 and therapeutic and helpful to him. I have the same 0:22:51.080 --> 0:22:54.960 conversation with you. Totally misses the mark. So this is 0:22:55.000 --> 0:22:58.840 the thing. Even if we can recognize the state or 0:22:58.840 --> 0:23:02.480 the feeling or the emotion or the whatever, there is 0:23:02.520 --> 0:23:05.719 no single answer because Bobby's answer won't be yours and 0:23:05.760 --> 0:23:08.960 so on. Yeah, so how are you going in the 0:23:08.960 --> 0:23:10.640 background there, Bobby, You're right. 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:18.280 Yeah, I'm just just learning about all the stuff. You well, 0:23:18.600 --> 0:23:23.119 just just I think pensive overwhelm is about five minutes away, 0:23:23.440 --> 0:23:24.200