Speaker 1: Huge announcement.
Speaker 2: Guys, Tickets are now on sale for our two million
Speaker 2: listen tour.
Speaker 1: We are going to multiple cities throughout September.
Speaker 2: We've got Melbourne on the seventh, Brisbane on the fourteenth,
Speaker 2: and Sydney on the twenty first.
Speaker 3: Tickets to moving fast, so get yours before they sell out.
Speaker 3: Head to the link in our Instagram bio to grab
Speaker 3: yours now.
Speaker 2: We are going to have so much fun at these shows,
Speaker 2: so come along and hang out with us. We can't
Speaker 2: wait to see you bye.
Speaker 1: I want the fairy Tale, I want the Prince Charming.
Speaker 2: She how do I put this? Isn't a fan of
Speaker 2: my kissing.
Speaker 1: Style boyfriend and girlfriend for about twelve hours. He's in
Speaker 1: a trash bin. He's non recyclable.
Speaker 4: Catching them up.
Speaker 2: I love being love. I love love.
Speaker 3: On today's episode of Where's Your Head At, we are
Speaker 3: very excited to be able to spend some time with
Speaker 3: shantell On.
Speaker 1: Award winning sexologist.
Speaker 2: Shantale is the author of the best selling book The
Speaker 2: Sex Edge You Never Had, and the host of the
Speaker 2: Sex Therapy Audible original.
Speaker 3: We can't wait to ask Chantelle or your juicy questions
Speaker 3: and find out what being a sexologist entails stay tuned.
Speaker 3: Where's Your Head At is a podcast that talks all
Speaker 3: things relationships, breakups, reality TV, trending shows, and everything in between.
Speaker 2: This is your new go to destination for laughs, gossip,
Speaker 2: intimate details, advice and much more.
Speaker 1: Hi Chantelle, Why Hello?
Speaker 2: Welcome to Where's your Head At? And first of all,
Speaker 2: where's your head?
Speaker 4: Why at? Where am I right now? I mean I'm
Speaker 4: quite jet lagged actually because I just got back from Europe.
Speaker 4: Oh not yesterday, but the day before. So I've been
Speaker 4: up quite early this morning. But I'm happy. I'm happy
Speaker 4: to be back at work and kind of getting into
Speaker 4: the rhythm.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and I've seen on your socials you've been doing
Speaker 3: some egg freezing before you went away.
Speaker 1: Can you talk us through that?
Speaker 4: Yeah, so it feels like a lifetime ago. Now how
Speaker 4: long ago? Was it? Like three and a half weeks?
Speaker 4: So I have done two rounds of egg freezing now.
Speaker 4: The first round was filmed on a TV show called
Speaker 4: Big Miracles that was last year, And I did it
Speaker 4: because I have a lot of young people coming into
Speaker 4: my office and they're kind of rushing out of like
Speaker 4: healthy relationships and getting into relationships that may be more
Speaker 4: viable to kind of have a family with or like that.
Speaker 4: I don't know, like this biological clock that's ticking for
Speaker 4: a lot of patients of mine. But also there's a
Speaker 4: lack of awareness around like fertility and where you're at,
Speaker 4: like in your fertility journey as well, and if you're
Speaker 4: going to have some challenges. So I kind of thought,
Speaker 4: I can't keep talking about people egg freezing if I
Speaker 4: actually don't know much about the process. So I did
Speaker 4: it for the show, and the first round that I
Speaker 4: did was quite seamless, and I am I have polcistic ovaries,
Speaker 4: and I got so many eggs. I got forty eggs
Speaker 4: out in my first round, which is like like four
Speaker 4: times a normal amount. Yeah, it was crazy. And then
Speaker 4: because of that, I thought, well, I'll do one more
Speaker 4: round and then I should have a lot of eggs
Speaker 4: that I can donate as well, because it's very hard
Speaker 4: to find egged owners in Australia. People are really tighter.
Speaker 4: They're like, yeah, they're biological material, So for me, I'm not.
Speaker 4: I'm like, how amazing to be able to give the
Speaker 4: gift of life to people. So I did another round
Speaker 4: a couple of weeks ago, and to be honest, the
Speaker 4: second round was pretty brutal for me. But I'm definitely
Speaker 4: feeling like my body is getting back to normal now,
Speaker 4: which is awesome.
Speaker 3: That's incredible that you are willing to do that for
Speaker 3: so many people, like to give you know, a couple
Speaker 3: of the chance at having a baby.
Speaker 1: That must like that's crazy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's exciting.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So you didn't go through the egg freezing process for
Speaker 2: yourself to freeze them for further down the track, you
Speaker 2: did it for research?
Speaker 4: You're saying, No, it's not for research, not at all. No,
Speaker 4: it's too So the first first one was for it
Speaker 4: is all like, obviously they're my eggs. I get to
Speaker 4: keep them. The ones I don't use, I donate them.
Speaker 4: But it's a combination of things. It's for educating people,
Speaker 4: it is. Yeah, maybe it is a little bit about
Speaker 4: research as well. For sure, it's about my futility journey,
Speaker 4: but it's also about helping other people create their own
Speaker 4: families as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I went to the Guided Colleges actually recently and I'm
Speaker 3: thirty one, and he basically said to me, like, you
Speaker 3: really should think about freezing your eggs, and it kind
Speaker 3: of caught me off guard, Like it was I don't know,
Speaker 3: you get to thirty one and you just don't expect
Speaker 3: that even to be a conversation with a random guynecologist,
Speaker 3: and I just felt very caught off guard. So I
Speaker 3: think it must be how is the process of getting
Speaker 3: to actually you know, getting there?
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, so thirty one, you're you're in your like
Speaker 4: prime fertile age. But also, like, egg freezing is not
Speaker 4: a guarantee, right, it is definitely a safety blanket, but
Speaker 4: it's not a guarantee because even though like my eggs
Speaker 4: might be healthy, doesn't mean that they're going to survive
Speaker 4: the process of freezing and unfreezing. Doesn't mean that my
Speaker 4: partner's sperm is going to be healthy. You know, it's
Speaker 4: there's so many factors to consider also environmentally as well.
Speaker 4: But I think for us, like I'm thirty two years old.
Speaker 4: Once you get to the age of thirty five, you're
Speaker 4: considered geriatric and you're actually not allowed to donate eggs
Speaker 4: after the age of thirty five. Your eggs are over
Speaker 4: the age of thirty five. Yeah, so isn't it crazy?
Speaker 4: But where whereas I'm like, I'm still so young, I'm.
Speaker 5: We are I guess like biologically speaking, we're kind of
Speaker 5: getting to that age where our body is going, yeah,
Speaker 5: well we're you know, the quality of our eggs is
Speaker 5: going to start changing as well.
Speaker 4: Because we're all born with the amount of eggs that
Speaker 4: we're ever going to have, and then each month we
Speaker 4: shed a certain amount and one usually or maybe two
Speaker 4: if you're like prone to twins or more will be
Speaker 4: I guess provided to meet with sperm and to possibly
Speaker 4: create a baby when you get your period.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So I love that even just hearing you say,
Speaker 3: like to if you're like the twins thing, like, I
Speaker 3: just don't like think about that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I've never really thought about the egg
Speaker 2: process for women at all and how it's going into
Speaker 2: freezing in thirty five seeing so young to be like
Speaker 2: they're not competent.
Speaker 4: Eggs, Well, it's not a guarantee that they're not competent.
Speaker 4: It's just like there's a possibility, yeah, that the quality
Speaker 4: is going to be a lot lower. And it's not
Speaker 4: just for people who are menstruating, which is I guess
Speaker 4: what you call women. Bet a lot of people you
Speaker 4: know who don't identify as I also manstraight. But for
Speaker 4: people who you know have sperm as well. It is
Speaker 4: kind of like fifty to fifty in a way, or
Speaker 4: like forty forty and then twenty percent external factors as well.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, look, Chantal, you are a sexologist, so we
Speaker 3: want to talk.
Speaker 1: All things sexology.
Speaker 3: I guess my first question for you is when does
Speaker 3: someone usually consult you for sex advice? Like what is
Speaker 3: going on with them that they need to kind of
Speaker 3: hit you up or booking an appointment.
Speaker 4: I look, I think we will all have questions about
Speaker 4: sex at some point, no matter what age we are
Speaker 4: or gender or orientation. But I would say, like my
Speaker 4: main demographic for my clinic, because I run a latch
Speaker 4: clinic in Australia, I would say that usually between like
Speaker 4: eighteen and forty five, it would be the kind of range.
Speaker 4: And that's when maybe like around eighteen is like figuring
Speaker 4: out more around how to have pleasure, and maybe if
Speaker 4: there's some challenges around performance anxiety or learning more about
Speaker 4: your body or your menstrual cycles, maybe it's learning more
Speaker 4: about boundaries, concent body autonomy, Maybe there's painful sex conditions
Speaker 4: involved that I guess would be the kind of concerns
Speaker 4: I would see for that age range. Whereas when we
Speaker 4: get towards our kind of mid twenties to like mid forties,
Speaker 4: that's about having more fun. Maybe it's about long term relationships.
Speaker 4: Maybe it's about being single for the first time and
Speaker 4: you know, navigating like how to be single and how
Speaker 4: to have like more casual interactions as well. But yeah,
Speaker 4: I think in longer term relationships we would see like
Speaker 4: difficulties with desire, maybe some challenges around orgasm or premature
Speaker 4: ejaculation or rectile dysfunction. So to be honest, it's it's
Speaker 4: really when you have a question or concern that you
Speaker 4: don't know how to find the answer to. I think
Speaker 4: all of us need to see a sexologist at some point,
Speaker 4: myself included. And I'm just think that, you know, it's
Speaker 4: actually quite like a lot of us are having sex,
Speaker 4: or if we're not having sex, maybe we want to
Speaker 4: be having more sex. So that's where someone like myself
Speaker 4: would come in.
Speaker 2: Talk us through how you become a sexologist. You have
Speaker 2: to study to get a PhD.
Speaker 4: Like what is it like, No, you just got to
Speaker 4: like sex? Oh?
Speaker 2: Really? Just no, I don't think I should be given
Speaker 2: advice to feople.
Speaker 4: Look, no, look there are It's an interesting one because
Speaker 4: it's an unregulated profession in Australia. There are a lot
Speaker 4: of people who are online at the moment who are
Speaker 4: saying they are certified sex experts or certified sexologists and
Speaker 4: they have done like a I don't know, like a
Speaker 4: certificate from like an online learning platform which isn't actually valid.
Speaker 4: You have to go through university. Usually you come from
Speaker 4: like a psychology, counseling, medical or scientific background or like
Speaker 4: health kind of background, and then you have to go
Speaker 4: on and do your master's degree. So I did psychology
Speaker 4: and then I did my Masters of Science in medicine
Speaker 4: and I specialize in sexual medicine. But then I also
Speaker 4: did a sexology degree when I lived in Amsterdam as well,
Speaker 4: and then trained with the European Society of Sexual Medicine.
Speaker 4: So not everyone does that amount of education. But like
Speaker 4: typically if you are going to see a sexologist, you
Speaker 4: should be looking at their qualifications and going do they
Speaker 4: have a background if you're seeing them for therapy, to
Speaker 4: have a background in therapy counseling, of psychology, have they
Speaker 4: done a master's degree in sexual medicine and just yeah,
Speaker 4: don't always look at people's titles because people love to
Speaker 4: title themselves, especially on social media.
Speaker 2: What made you want to study the sexual side of
Speaker 2: psychology and that like what made you attracted you from
Speaker 2: a better term of words to that side of it.
Speaker 4: The sexual side of psychology. Well, I think that. I
Speaker 4: think like sexual medicine is such an interesting area in general,
Speaker 4: and it's not just psychology. It's biology, it's interpersonal relationships,
Speaker 4: it's youerious sociocultural surroundings, so your culture where you grew up,
Speaker 4: the notions of the country that you live in, or
Speaker 4: you know, your religion, et cetera. I think for me,
Speaker 4: psychology was like nice, and I've always had an interest
Speaker 4: in people and I've always wanted to help people, and
Speaker 4: it didn't have to be sexology. You know. I used
Speaker 4: to work in like drug and alcohol rehabilitation, and then
Speaker 4: I also worked in like research for at the Royal
Speaker 4: Children's Hospital here as well. So I think wherever I
Speaker 4: felt stimulated enough to be enthusiastic to get out of
Speaker 4: bed and get to work, that for me was like
Speaker 4: good enough. And then they just kind of came a
Speaker 4: point where I was like, like, I love talking about sex.
Speaker 4: Sex is super fun for me. My background is Dutch.
Speaker 4: My family's super open when we talk about sex, and
Speaker 4: of realized so many people didn't have that privilege. And
Speaker 4: I saw a lot of my friends taking risks when
Speaker 4: it came to their sex lives or you know, misogyny,
Speaker 4: like these notions of misogyny. This is like when American
Speaker 4: Pie was like at its prime and we were learning
Speaker 4: about I don't know, like sex in all the wrong ways.
Speaker 4: And I think as a fem person, I remember just thinking, Oh,
Speaker 4: it's something like I have to do because that's what's
Speaker 4: expected of me, and I have to be wild and
Speaker 4: crazy and we all kind of learned through porn. And
Speaker 4: I just thought, like, there's so much more to this,
Speaker 4: Like it's such a complicated topic. Why aren't we talking
Speaker 4: about it more? And then I also read Esaperel's book
Speaker 4: It's called Meeting in Captivity, and that book really spoke
Speaker 4: about like complexities in relationships and nuances of desire and
Speaker 4: long term relationships, and I thought, Wow, there's so much
Speaker 4: for me to learn that I know I could be
Speaker 4: learning really for the rest of my life on this topic.
Speaker 4: So I'm sitting in going into it and that's why
Speaker 4: I kind of yeah. And my mum also was like,
Speaker 4: you'd be a really good sex ologist, so that's how
Speaker 4: I kind of got into it.
Speaker 2: I love that you got her blessing.
Speaker 1: I love it.
Speaker 3: Do your family and friends ask you for or like
Speaker 3: kind of rely on you for like free advice and consultations.
Speaker 3: I feel like if you're one of my besties, I'd
Speaker 3: be like, Okay, I need all of the info.
Speaker 4: Actually, like not at all, Like none of them talk
Speaker 4: to me about the sex lives at all. No. I
Speaker 4: think they're just like because at the end of the day,
Speaker 4: it's my job, and like sometimes they'll be like, oh
Speaker 4: I need help, or like, oh, you know, my partner
Speaker 4: wants to try this. So I don't know how to
Speaker 4: do it or what would be a toy that you
Speaker 4: would recommend. But I would say when people see me,
Speaker 4: they like my friends see me, they don't think of
Speaker 4: me as hunt and sex ologists. I'm just chantal shanty
Speaker 4: to them, So I'm yeah, I would say though, maybe,
Speaker 4: Like my best friend was saying to me the other day,
Speaker 4: my best friend's also my manager, and she was like,
Speaker 4: I don't think you realize how much you do help
Speaker 4: people with their overall health and well being because I'm
Speaker 4: always like, oh, like, maybe you should look at this
Speaker 4: or like, ah, if you've got a lump, like, probably
Speaker 4: need to check that out. Or they'll be like what
Speaker 4: does this you know medication mean or what does if
Speaker 4: someone has got this personality disorder? What would that mean
Speaker 4: for their relationship? So I think maybe without actually like
Speaker 4: saying the words sex, I help a lot of my
Speaker 4: friends and family out in that area, but I wouldn't
Speaker 4: say they're coming to me directly. I also say to
Speaker 4: them like I don't talk to like I don't see
Speaker 4: my friends as patients. They can see one of my
Speaker 4: staff instead, because otherwise there's like a bias there that
Speaker 4: I is not healthy for therapy.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what does a regular day in the clinic look
Speaker 3: like for you? And I guess, like what's the most
Speaker 3: fulfilling or awarding part of a day helping someone? Like
Speaker 3: what really like fills your cup? What type of problem?
Speaker 4: So I don't really have regular days in the clinic anymore.
Speaker 4: I think if we'd spoken about five years ago, I
Speaker 4: would have been able to tell you if I worked
Speaker 4: like nine am to nine pm and it was back
Speaker 4: to back sessions. Now, because I've got over twenty staff members,
Speaker 4: it's like my day is super varied. I also work,
Speaker 4: you know outside of the clinic with media and consulting
Speaker 4: and you know, doing kind of projects that are educating
Speaker 4: people on a larger level. But if I was to
Speaker 4: go into the clinic, like, actually, maybe i'll explain like
Speaker 4: my day today. So for example, today I work up
Speaker 4: at about six point thirty and then I kind of
Speaker 4: like went through my slack and I spoke to my EA,
Speaker 4: and then I kind of looked at all the emails
Speaker 4: coming through for the clinic and allocated each email to
Speaker 4: a different therapist or each person kind of making an
Speaker 4: inquiry to a different therapist. And then I delegate tasks
Speaker 4: to my EA, and then I get my ass kicked
Speaker 4: by my manager. She's like, you need to be doing this.
Speaker 4: I need this content. You need to do media commentary
Speaker 4: on these five articles, et cetera. And then like I've
Speaker 4: had a sauna, I've had a shower, and then now
Speaker 4: we've got a podcast. I guess a bit later this week,
Speaker 4: I'll see some patients and I only see patients pro bonos,
Speaker 4: so people who can't afford to pay for therapy. And
Speaker 4: that's because I have that privilege, because I earn money,
Speaker 4: I guess through sponsorships, and consulting, and then I also
Speaker 4: see a few other patients that are probably quite challenging,
Speaker 4: like heavy medical conditions, cancer, or like psychiatric concerns or
Speaker 4: narcissistic personality disorder patients. And then what else am I
Speaker 4: doing today? Gosh, I've just got a few meetings this afternoon.
Speaker 4: I know I need to catch up with three of
Speaker 4: my staff this week, and then I'm traveling into state
Speaker 4: twice as well this week. So I have a like,
Speaker 4: that's a normal week for me. But if you were
Speaker 4: one of my therapists working in my office, my team
Speaker 4: make their own schedules around their lifestyle so that they
Speaker 4: can have a good quality of life. They want to
Speaker 4: go to the gym, they can do that. They want
Speaker 4: to take their kids to school, they can do that.
Speaker 4: So they make their own schedules, and I would say
Speaker 4: they get in their accessions typically about fifty minutes, and
Speaker 4: you do about ten minutes to kind of wind down.
Speaker 4: Maybe you write some notes, maybe you take twenty minutes
Speaker 4: a half an hour. It depends on each therapist in
Speaker 4: their preference, and you make treatment plans, you refer to
Speaker 4: other specialists as well. You make sure that you're I
Speaker 4: guess on top of the latest research, but also you're
Speaker 4: looking at doing supervision with other specialists, so you can
Speaker 4: get outside opinions on maybe a particular PA for a
Speaker 4: concern that you might need some different opinions on, or
Speaker 4: different types of advice or specialty on.
Speaker 3: That's amazing that you do pro bono work. I think
Speaker 3: that's really amazing. How do people like reach out to
Speaker 3: you to kind of get this assistance.
Speaker 4: Usually they'll come to the clinic and they'll say like
Speaker 4: I can't afford it, or once in a while they'll
Speaker 4: I'll put out like a call out on my social
Speaker 4: media for people and they can apply. Also, if we
Speaker 4: have like student therapists coming through, that's a really good
Speaker 4: opportunity because then patients get like a really discounted session,
Speaker 4: so instead of like you know, over one hundred and
Speaker 4: fifty dollars, it's like fifty dollars or ninety dollars instead
Speaker 4: for a session, So they're still getting the advice. And
Speaker 4: all the students are supervised by myself as well, so
Speaker 4: they're kind of getting the advice that I would give,
Speaker 4: but by proxy through through the student instead. But I
Speaker 4: would say, like the pro bono patients come through because
Speaker 4: they're usually referred by a different specialist to me that
Speaker 4: I I've got quite a good connection with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you were saying before, how a lot of homes
Speaker 2: find it taboo to talk about sex in the house
Speaker 2: with their kids and parents. What's your opinion on teaching
Speaker 2: it more in schools to the kids so they have
Speaker 2: a better understanding of it, because, like you said, a
Speaker 2: lot of people learn through porn and that gives them
Speaker 2: a warped opinion on what sex actually is.
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm so pro it. Why wouldn't you be.
Speaker 4: I think we all need to have as much education
Speaker 4: as possible, and there are some really great organizations providing
Speaker 4: sex education in school. It's becoming way more popular, and
Speaker 4: we can see through advocates like Chanel Contos for example,
Speaker 4: talking about consent and some really amazing people who were
Speaker 4: pushing for a better sex education in school, that we're
Speaker 4: getting to a better place. Obviously there's still a long
Speaker 4: way to go, but yeah, obviously very I learned, like.
Speaker 2: A lot of Australians did, I think in Melbourne, especially
Speaker 2: through a giraffe.
Speaker 4: In a van. Yeah, I didn't get that. I went
Speaker 4: to a Catholic school. We weren't allowed to talk about.
Speaker 2: And the giraft would come out of the wall and
Speaker 2: be like, don't do drugs. It's is sex when you
Speaker 2: think about it's actually kind of creepy.
Speaker 3: I actually was born in the UK and we just
Speaker 3: basically I mean I'm talking from my personal experience at my.
Speaker 1: School, but we had like zero sex education.
Speaker 2: And a bit more forward over there.
Speaker 1: Nothing nothing at all.
Speaker 4: So it's actually like in the UK, there's not a
Speaker 4: huge amount of like there's a lot of like qualified
Speaker 4: sexologists there. They're doing a really good job with educating
Speaker 4: people like myself or health practitioners. But I think it's
Speaker 4: quite also very difficult to become a sexologist in the
Speaker 4: UK as well. But sex education I think is quite
Speaker 4: similar to Australia.
Speaker 2: Yeah, what's too young to teach them? Do you reckon?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I think that it depends on what you're looking at.
Speaker 4: I think you can talk about boundaries, and you can
Speaker 4: talk about asking for consent at quite a young age,
Speaker 4: like from the age of four, and you can start
Speaker 4: learning about how you feel within your body where like
Speaker 4: places that you can touch or what pleasure feels like,
Speaker 4: but also like parts of your body that should not
Speaker 4: be touched and that are just for you. You can also
Speaker 4: learn about different types of families as well, and you
Speaker 4: can learn about having two mums or two dads or
Speaker 4: having a community raise you. So there's so much that
Speaker 4: you can learn from a younger age that I think
Speaker 4: we kind of should be bringing it forward, considering like
Speaker 4: a lot of young people are having their sexual debuts
Speaker 4: a lot earlier around like eleven twelve as well.
Speaker 2: I think my mom was very good at teaching us
Speaker 2: that sort of stuff from a young age, like the
Speaker 2: consent and what's not, like all that sort stuff. My
Speaker 2: mum was all over that from like around American four
Speaker 2: or five.
Speaker 3: And your family's very open. So your family is very
Speaker 3: open and my family's very not. Come from like two
Speaker 3: very different backgrounds. And then Chantelle said that your family
Speaker 3: was also very open when talking about sex. It's so
Speaker 3: interesting that everyone has a different experience, like almost like
Speaker 3: a starting point, right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, my family's open, but they're also conservative
Speaker 4: at the same time.
Speaker 3: So, yeah, what's something that you've learned through being a
Speaker 3: sexologist that you wish maybe you'd known sooner?
Speaker 4: Oh my god, like everything, I think that I just
Speaker 4: I think that it would have been nicer kind of
Speaker 4: when we were younger to be reminded that there's no
Speaker 4: one size fits all. I think as well, I've learned
Speaker 4: a lot more about how to remain curious with people,
Speaker 4: because I think we kind of can become know it alls,
Speaker 4: and we think that we know so much about like
Speaker 4: the world that we live in and other people. But
Speaker 4: every day I'm learning something new about people that you know,
Speaker 4: I spend hours and hours and hours of time learning
Speaker 4: about people will always have the ability to shock and
Speaker 4: surprise you. And I think that as well can be
Speaker 4: carried over into relationships. I think that we can become
Speaker 4: very complacent. I think that we can also think that
Speaker 4: sex is something that should be coming naturally to all
Speaker 4: of us quite easily, we should always be horny, and
Speaker 4: that it's like not something that we necessarily need to
Speaker 4: work on. But again, like that's not the case. It's
Speaker 4: it's a relationship that you need to work on with
Speaker 4: yourself and with another person ongoing for the rest of
Speaker 4: your life.
Speaker 2: Then what would you say to someone that's listening and
Speaker 2: they're in a relationship and it's a long term and
Speaker 2: they're really hit a dry spell, what would be some
Speaker 2: advice for them in that situation.
Speaker 4: I would say, like, don't put it off, Like, don't
Speaker 4: put off working on it or communicating about it. I
Speaker 4: would say, butt your like any anger or frustration to
Speaker 4: the side, because it's not going to get you laid either.
Speaker 4: So like, come from a place of kindness of love.
Speaker 4: Really practice empathy as well. If you're having any mental
Speaker 4: health concerns, if you're suffering from anxiety or depression, or
Speaker 4: you find that you know that you're bickering a lot,
Speaker 4: address that first, Like lead the way, don't always expect
Speaker 4: your apartment to be the one that has to change,
Speaker 4: because you both have to change at the end of
Speaker 4: the day. And I think we get like all the
Speaker 4: time I'm hearing about blah blah blah didn't do this,
Speaker 4: or blah blah blah didn't do that, or they don't
Speaker 4: want me anymore, or it's just like you're the only
Speaker 4: one that can change yourself, So go forward and do
Speaker 4: it and hopefully the other person will follow you. But
Speaker 4: also like lean into the amount of available resources there
Speaker 4: are out there, Like there's so many great sex experts
Speaker 4: who are being very generous putting their time and effort
Speaker 4: into social media content or providing courses or like even
Speaker 4: answering DMS from people who are not paying them. You know,
Speaker 4: lean into the amount of resources that are healthy and
Speaker 4: that are out there these days and do something about it,
Speaker 4: don't put it on the back burner.
Speaker 3: Are there any topics that I guess if you had
Speaker 3: a client that you might find uncomfortable to talk about with, Like,
Speaker 3: is there anything that kind of would cross your boundaries?
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's always things that are particular to you as
Speaker 4: a therapist that you might not want to deal with.
Speaker 4: For some people, it'll be like a paraphilia. For some
Speaker 4: people would be like sexual assault or you know, I
Speaker 4: guess practices that might be illegal or in evolving minus.
Speaker 4: I think for myself, I don't put up with people
Speaker 4: who are rude or engage in like I guess, practices
Speaker 4: like you know, who talk in a way that is
Speaker 4: unethical or slur or talk about people in a negative way.
Speaker 4: I don't pout up with racism, for example, or ableism.
Speaker 4: Of course, I'm like patient and I will call it out.
Speaker 4: But you don't at the end of the day, as
Speaker 4: a therapist have to continue therapy with someone just because
Speaker 4: you're a there therapist. You have a mutual right to
Speaker 4: break up with someone as well. And I think that
Speaker 4: if you're not enjoying seeing that patient and you're not
Speaker 4: enjoying helping them on that journey and facing their challenges together,
Speaker 4: then it's not really going to work that well. And
Speaker 4: there's so many other practitioners out there who are going
Speaker 4: to do a great job that you might necessarily like
Speaker 4: not be enthusiastic about.
Speaker 2: Anna and me had a conversation the other day actually
Speaker 2: on the phone. It wasn't on the podcast, but we
Speaker 2: were talking about like if your partner has a kink,
Speaker 2: do you remember we're talking about it, and like we're saying,
Speaker 2: like I am personally I'm up for whatever my partner
Speaker 2: would be into, Like I'm open to whatever kinks they have,
Speaker 2: but and I was sort of saying, like there's some
Speaker 2: stuff that she wouldn't try. What's some advice to someone's
Speaker 2: that partner is really like like something that you're not
Speaker 2: into that, Like is there any like middle ground? What
Speaker 2: sort of tips do you give those people?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's about like, first of all, thinking
Speaker 4: about why. I also think it's like you can never
Speaker 4: listen to someone talk about their kink and like yuck it,
Speaker 4: like make them feel ashamed of it. Yeah, we don't
Speaker 4: want to yuck some or something that someone finds yummy,
Speaker 4: but we have to kind of understand why they would
Speaker 4: be curious about exploring that thing. Is it a no
Speaker 4: for a now or is it a no for forever?
Speaker 4: When you're saying no to exploring that, is it because
Speaker 4: you have some internalized shame or some fears around that
Speaker 4: kink as well? Or maybe if it's not for you,
Speaker 4: would you be open to the other person exploring it elsewhere,
Speaker 4: maybe like with the sex worker for example, or maybe
Speaker 4: if you have like someone join you and they can
Speaker 4: you know, like practice with that person. Or are there
Speaker 4: alternatives that would be like I guess able to maybe
Speaker 4: replicate that kink but not actually like stretch your boundaries
Speaker 4: too much. Or is it something that you can both
Speaker 4: just like go all right, like we love each other,
Speaker 4: it's not on the cards. Let's like, is it a
Speaker 4: make or break for this relationship?
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's actually pretty good that we've got you to
Speaker 2: I want you to fact check this comment. I remember
Speaker 2: saying this on the podcast a while ago. I actually
Speaker 2: heard it on Criminal Minds that kinks come from an
Speaker 2: inner What was it someone's inner fear or something and
Speaker 2: that transpires into their sexual kinks. Is there any truth
Speaker 2: in that comment? Or am I spitting lies on the
Speaker 2: podcast that I heard on Criminals?
Speaker 4: No, it's just it's way more complex than that. And
Speaker 4: like kings are like not like kings are really common.
Speaker 4: So it's like we can't go around like diagnosing all
Speaker 4: these people with like trauma and like fear. Like it's like,
Speaker 4: actually a lot of people are excited about their kinks,
Speaker 4: so you know, I don't think all of them are
Speaker 4: coming from a place of fear for sure, but a
Speaker 4: lot of it's also like conditioning too, write and you
Speaker 4: can actually recondition yourself from a lot of kinks if
Speaker 4: that's something that you want to do as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's some of the most common kinks?
Speaker 4: I would say, like BDSM, for example, A lot of
Speaker 4: people are into golden showers a lot more than we
Speaker 4: probably realize. I would say, like I even like light
Speaker 4: to things like sexting or like videos that kind of
Speaker 4: stuff is really hot. Talking dirty. I think a bit
Speaker 4: of like domb subplay is really normal. Like, yeah, Feet's
Speaker 4: like a really big one as well. Yeah, for sure,
Speaker 4: feet is like massive, Like look at Only Fans. If
Speaker 4: I wasn't a therapist, I'd definitely go there be so fun.
Speaker 3: So many people say that. So many my friends are like,
Speaker 3: I have amazing feet. My feet should be on fucking
Speaker 3: only fans.
Speaker 2: And I posted something with their foot one time, and
Speaker 2: I was like, wouldn't be posting that for free?
Speaker 4: Not a mis day and age.
Speaker 3: I guess when someone asks you a relationship question, do
Speaker 3: you notice the red flags in their relationships straight away?
Speaker 3: Or do you kind of need to delve deep into
Speaker 3: their relationship more to uncover like really deep issues.
Speaker 4: You kind of have to like dive a little bit deeper. Yeah,
Speaker 4: Like you can always call out what you can see,
Speaker 4: but you are getting like one side of things as well,
Speaker 4: And I think often you know, to take a backward
Speaker 4: step and look at like the whole picture is probably necessary.
Speaker 4: And also like come from again a real place of empathy,
Speaker 4: Like if you're having these troubles, what's going on for
Speaker 4: your partner as well, what's your communication? Like how are
Speaker 4: you actually talking to them about these concerns too? So
Speaker 4: it's it's very complex. Of course you can pick up
Speaker 4: red flags, yeah, but does that mean that you are
Speaker 4: doing the right thing? By calling them out. Not sure,
Speaker 4: because we all have different bases for our relationships. Some
Speaker 4: people never fight, some people bicker all the time, but
Speaker 4: that's their way of communicating, Like there is no one
Speaker 4: size fits all.
Speaker 2: Well, it would be your biggest red flag that you
Speaker 2: would see, not for a professional thing, but actually in relationships,
Speaker 2: what would be your biggest red flag?
Speaker 4: Such a good question. Criticism and lack of accountability would
Speaker 4: be something that I would say is a major red
Speaker 4: flag when someone can't say I contributed in.
Speaker 2: Like that.
Speaker 4: We're all snow. We all do it. We all do it,
Speaker 4: like it like I do it too. We are sometimes
Speaker 4: so caught up in our own emotions that we don't recognize.
Speaker 4: But if it's like an ongoing thing, or like when
Speaker 4: you someone like and what did you do in that scenario?
Speaker 4: Or what role did you play there? And they're like
Speaker 4: what do you mean? And then that's kind of when
Speaker 4: you go, okay, well, like maybe they need to be
Speaker 4: a little bit of self reflection there as well.
Speaker 2: That's three versions of a story. There's yours in the truth,
Speaker 2: isn't there? Do you determine the truth somewhere between your
Speaker 2: patience or do you just take it on what it is.
Speaker 4: I just reflect back to them and they can make
Speaker 4: their own mind up about what it is. But I'm
Speaker 4: very happy to like give an outside perspective and go
Speaker 4: Do you realize when you're talking in this way that
Speaker 4: you're not actually taking accountability for your role here?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have a question, and it's I think, like,
Speaker 3: when I think about myself going to a sexologist, I
Speaker 3: think I would feel very intimidated. I don't know why,
Speaker 3: but I guess, like my question is, what advice would
Speaker 3: you give to someone who does want to see a sexologist,
Speaker 3: but maybe they do feel a little bit intimidated by.
Speaker 2: I don't think chantal looks intimidating to.
Speaker 4: Go talk to you, haven't know. Some people have said yes,
Speaker 4: I would say that there are so many sex experts
Speaker 4: out there who are qualified and who are really good
Speaker 4: at their jobs. Like any therapist, you have to find
Speaker 4: the person that matches with you. But at the end
Speaker 4: of the day, we choose this career because we want
Speaker 4: to help people and we want to create a safe
Speaker 4: space for you to be able to work on your concerns.
Speaker 4: But I also think, like I've definitely like met some
Speaker 4: sexologists that I probably wouldn't want to see and I
Speaker 4: know there's other people who have seen me and gone
Speaker 4: sin tell's not my cup of tea either. Like, just
Speaker 4: remember that doing one session with one person is not like,
Speaker 4: doesn't have to be the end result for you. There
Speaker 4: is always going to be someone out there that you
Speaker 4: can find that will actually work really well for you
Speaker 4: and will help you reach your goals.
Speaker 2: I think that's good advice all around. Come to psychologists
Speaker 2: in general. I know a lot of people, like a
Speaker 2: couple of mates that go to one and they click
Speaker 2: with them. I'm not going back. It's it's not for me,
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, try another person to see how
Speaker 2: you go. You're going to find someone that you click
Speaker 2: with and you can talk to.
Speaker 4: Great goodbye.
Speaker 3: A lot of people say that dating in twenty twenty
Speaker 3: three is so hard, so challenging. People like I know
Speaker 3: a lot of my girlfriends say there's no good people
Speaker 3: out there anymore to date.
Speaker 1: Do you think that people.
Speaker 3: Make it hard for themselves? What advice would you give them?
Speaker 4: It's so interesting? Okay, So I am really of the
Speaker 4: perspective that there are so many people out there in
Speaker 4: the world, but I think that we can be too
Speaker 4: shy or not forward enough. I don't think we back
Speaker 4: ourselves enough when it comes to dating. I also do
Speaker 4: think that it is a little bit rough sometimes. For sure,
Speaker 4: dating can be challenging, Like I think the dating culture
Speaker 4: in Australia really sucks, to be honest, and I'm an
Speaker 4: ambassador for Bumble. I'm working constantly on how to make
Speaker 4: dating more accessible, more fun like, and how to kind
Speaker 4: of help people have good dating experiences. But yeah, it
Speaker 4: can be so bloody tough. But I don't know, Like
Speaker 4: I kind of always think that if you put out
Speaker 4: into the world that you're looking for something, it will
Speaker 4: find you. And I think if you're able to learn
Speaker 4: how to have a conversation with someone, whether it be
Speaker 4: on an app or like out in a bar, like
Speaker 4: for example, I have made like in the past when
Speaker 4: I've been dating, Like I've made some great connections just
Speaker 4: by like noticing how people are behaving, or like being
Speaker 4: in the line for the bathroom and saying to someone like, like,
Speaker 4: what's on your mind if they're like if you see them,
Speaker 4: like focusing on something. Just being aware of how people
Speaker 4: are moving through the world is going to be a
Speaker 4: real superpower for you. I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily
Speaker 4: like the most social person, but I have friends that
Speaker 4: are extremely social and so balancing if you're like dating,
Speaker 4: like irl, balancing out the way that you, I guess
Speaker 4: come across in social situations and your friends as well
Speaker 4: is really important. Making sure that you're open. I when
Speaker 4: I go out with my friends, like I don't like,
Speaker 4: I'm just like quite insular. So I talk to my
Speaker 4: friends unless there is like a random person that's sitting
Speaker 4: in like that I like the look of, or like
Speaker 4: that looks like an interesting person that's sitting in a
Speaker 4: corner like that ends up being the person that I'll
Speaker 4: talk to for the party or whatever. And obviously I'm
Speaker 4: in a relationship now, But if I think about it
Speaker 4: in a dating perspective, like I have had friends that
Speaker 4: are super talkative, and they can have like like a
Speaker 4: whole group of people absolutely enamored with them, and they
Speaker 4: can help you. Those people can help you create bonds
Speaker 4: with other people or be like oh yeah, like you
Speaker 4: know what, like that likes are coming and coming too,
Speaker 4: like you guys each other, like you know, I really
Speaker 4: believe in the power of also like friendship too, And
Speaker 4: that's also one thing that I talk about so much
Speaker 4: in my job. Sorry, my dog's having a little sniff around. Yeah,
Speaker 4: he would go back up again.
Speaker 1: You'll get to distract.
Speaker 4: He's like so sigmy as all of them. I really
Speaker 4: like to believe in, Like, I know, it's so funny. Okay,
Speaker 4: I'm gonna put him down because we're going to just
Speaker 4: laugh for the rest.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll get to concentrate.
Speaker 4: It's so funny. But I believe in like you need
Speaker 4: to have healthy friendships as well. And I think absolutely,
Speaker 4: like we're in our thirties now, we're kind of all
Speaker 4: going through these stages where we're out growing a few
Speaker 4: of our friendships too, or on different journeys or parts
Speaker 4: as well, And I don't know, like it kind of
Speaker 4: sometimes I think fuck it, Like it sucks as an
Speaker 4: adult that you have to continuously work so bloody hold
Speaker 4: on all of these relationship dynamics, but it does pay
Speaker 4: off in the long run. I also think if you're
Speaker 4: not finding it like where you are, like in your
Speaker 4: hometown or in like your usual circles, like move outside
Speaker 4: of those circles if you like, if you have the
Speaker 4: ability to go elsewhere, maybe it's interstate, or maybe it's overseas.
Speaker 4: I go for it, but be as open as possible,
Speaker 4: like create the person that you want to be in
Speaker 4: that scenario, you can be whoever you want. When you're
Speaker 4: dating and you really like, I just think you should
Speaker 4: go for the story to be honest, don't think about
Speaker 4: it so it can be your end all.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, that's so many pluck twists as well when you
Speaker 4: do it like that.
Speaker 3: Something that's going really viral at the moment is this
Speaker 3: kind of like phenomenon where they say that guys put
Speaker 3: women in three groups before they meet them, and that
Speaker 3: is the WiFi, the fun, or not interested.
Speaker 1: What do you think of that?
Speaker 2: I think women do it for men as well as
Speaker 2: much as the other way around.
Speaker 4: I've literally never I don't know because I've never heard
Speaker 4: of this theory. Is it like on TikTok.
Speaker 1: It's like a TikTok thing.
Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, I don't actually know, but I guess like
Speaker 4: it makes sense. We kind of do that as well
Speaker 4: as from people when we're meeting others. We're like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 4: well not interested in that person for the long run,
Speaker 4: but it could be fun for like a night, right,
Speaker 4: So I get it. But I think all genders do
Speaker 4: it and all orientations do it. And I guess it
Speaker 4: depends on what you're looking for. Like some people might
Speaker 4: not be looking for like a long term person, so
Speaker 4: maybe like, yeah, if you're looking for someone who's more casual,
Speaker 4: you're not going to be going for the person who's
Speaker 4: like wifey material. You're going for someone who's going to
Speaker 4: be up for like a good time for a period
Speaker 4: of time.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 2: Also depends where you are mentally as well. Yeah, Like
Speaker 2: you could be in a place where you're not wanting
Speaker 2: to like, you know, settle down, so you're not really
Speaker 2: looking at that person.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 3: Look, speaking of casual sex, Matt and I talk about
Speaker 3: this a lot, and that is that with casual sex,
Speaker 3: it's an exchange of energy.
Speaker 1: What's your thoughts on this?
Speaker 3: Can you have casual sex without getting attached? Or for
Speaker 3: people who do get very attached, how do they detach?
Speaker 4: Yeah? I think you can. You have to be very
Speaker 4: self aware, right for casual sex, and you have to
Speaker 4: have it all laid out on the table prior to
Speaker 4: going into it. I think like, if you're just down
Speaker 4: for casual fun, you have to be very explicit, like
Speaker 4: do you want to have fun like hey, Like, I'm like,
Speaker 4: I would love to I don't know, have some fun
Speaker 4: with you or play around. I'm not looking for something
Speaker 4: right now. There's a lot of people in open relationships
Speaker 4: to these days who are like more flexible and so
Speaker 4: I don't know, So like, I think we're learning a
Speaker 4: lot more about how to communicate those needs prior. If
Speaker 4: you're not good at doing that, you need to come
Speaker 4: up with like a script on your phone and keep
Speaker 4: it in your notes so that you can like copy
Speaker 4: and paste it over and send it to that person,
Speaker 4: really outlining what you're looking for, you know, what your
Speaker 4: motivations are, why you like them, what you can offer
Speaker 4: them as well. Like, if you're going into like casual sex,
Speaker 4: usually it's for pleasure, it's for validation, it's for affirmation,
Speaker 4: you know, it's for exploration, so like provide that stuff
Speaker 4: as well. I really hate hearing about people who I
Speaker 4: don't know who are like up for casual sex, but
Speaker 4: they don't want to put in the hard yards to
Speaker 4: maintain a casual like sex relationship. They think it's just like, oh,
Speaker 4: it's casual, so we should just we should just do
Speaker 4: it and like move out, Like you have to have
Speaker 4: like a bit of friendship there as well. There has
Speaker 4: to be some banter and some care and for that person.
Speaker 4: And I think lot of people can get kind of lazy.
Speaker 4: You know, absolutely, I don't find that hot. I don't
Speaker 4: find that hot. I find communication hot and sexy.
Speaker 2: I was about to say, if you're just having casual
Speaker 2: sex asign you want to be able to chat to
Speaker 2: them before and af star and like, you know, I
Speaker 2: think if you don't get a drink with them, then
Speaker 2: if you can't sit and have a drink with them.
Speaker 3: Or a coffee or whatever it is, Yeah, that's point,
Speaker 3: it's safeking with them.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's an interesting one, isn't.
Speaker 3: Man, What advice would you give to someone who might
Speaker 3: be really inexperienced, like maybe they're still a virgin, or
Speaker 3: they've had maybe only a small handful of sexual experiences
Speaker 3: and they kind of feel like it's just like a
Speaker 3: big overwhelming kind of experience to even meet someone now
Speaker 3: because they feel so far behind.
Speaker 4: I think if they can afford to see a sexologist,
Speaker 4: that's a really good place to go. But also like
Speaker 4: start reading some books too, or listening on audible. You
Speaker 4: can buy my book. That's always a nice one. That's
Speaker 4: like sex ed for adults. But there are some really
Speaker 4: great resources out there where you can just learn them
Speaker 4: more about the body, but also like how people interact
Speaker 4: and then like find that confident friend or like find
Speaker 4: someone that you can rely on who's going to give you,
Speaker 4: I guess, honest feedback, but also take care of you
Speaker 4: while you are on this journey as well, and you
Speaker 4: will help empower you to feel more confident and be
Speaker 4: the best version of yourself while you are dating and
Speaker 4: while you are exploring. But also who's not going to
Speaker 4: like judge you or make you feel ashamed for your
Speaker 4: practices or things that you don't know much about.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you wouldn't recommend just going out there and experimenting.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that's fine too, as long as you're
Speaker 4: being kind and like considering your own boundaries and that
Speaker 4: other person's boundaries, Like go for it. Like experimentation is
Speaker 4: the best way to figure out how things are going
Speaker 4: to go. But if you can't communicate or ask for
Speaker 4: consent or like you know, give consent, then you need
Speaker 4: to do a little bit of work prior to that.
Speaker 4: Because we are seeing a rise of like kind of
Speaker 4: unsafe sex practices happening in casual dating, like choking for example,
Speaker 4: or like you know, maybe activities that other person's not
Speaker 4: that comfortable with, but it wasn't spoken about prior. I
Speaker 4: think you do need to actually like really invest in
Speaker 4: yourself so that you can be a better lover for
Speaker 4: someone else.
Speaker 3: Absolutely with going to an appointment with you, do you
Speaker 3: spread as far as like talking about tantric sex or
Speaker 3: is that like a whole different realm.
Speaker 4: I'm not specialized in tantra, so I don't talk about
Speaker 4: it myself, but a few of my staff members are
Speaker 4: like very invested in tantra. Some are invested in like shabari,
Speaker 4: which is like Jeffetly bondage, roape bondage. Some have done
Speaker 4: like more body work practices as well. So I tend
Speaker 4: to myself specialize in like medicine, medical conditions, and like
Speaker 4: complex trauma, whereas some of my other staff members wouldn't
Speaker 4: be able to talk about those things. So that's also
Speaker 4: why I have a team, so we can all work
Speaker 4: together and if one of my like, for example, I've
Speaker 4: had some patients that I've worked with for a couple
Speaker 4: of years and then we've kind of reached like an
Speaker 4: end of the road for what I'm able to give
Speaker 4: them as a therapist, And I go, why don't you
Speaker 4: go talk to Jasmine a little bit more about I
Speaker 4: don't know, like sex stuff and parenting or like why
Speaker 4: didn't you talk about orgasms with Clark? So each team
Speaker 4: member has their own specialty.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how do people keep things spicy in their relationships?
Speaker 4: So I think if you want to keep it spicy again,
Speaker 4: kind of back to what I spoke about before, remain curious,
Speaker 4: ask questions. Don't assume that you always know what your
Speaker 4: partner's going to want, because as we grow, you know,
Speaker 4: we might become interested in some different things. The sexual
Speaker 4: person that you were ten years ago is probably very
Speaker 4: different to the sexual person you are now. Definitely don't
Speaker 4: be shy of like sex, toys or games. I think
Speaker 4: that's really important. I think also like checking in with
Speaker 4: your partner. Is there anything that you wanted to try
Speaker 4: that we haven't been able to do just yet or
Speaker 4: you want to learn more about. I also think like
Speaker 4: change up the time, time and location. A lot of
Speaker 4: people get used to having sex, like Okay, we'll have
Speaker 4: it just before we go to sleep, where it's like
Speaker 4: I could not think of anything worse than like I'm
Speaker 4: so tired.
Speaker 2: Someone and that was their like corniest time, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: I've got my retainer and I'm done.
Speaker 1: This is not happening.
Speaker 4: Yeah, cute for you, but it's a negative three degrees outside.
Speaker 4: It's not happening.
Speaker 2: To be fair, though, they can probably switch me pretty quickly.
Speaker 2: The retainer comes out and goes on the bedside tables.
Speaker 4: Actually, that's like super important. Don't expect it to always
Speaker 4: be spontaneous. The responsive side of sex is very important,
Speaker 4: which is what you're talking about where you're like, no,
Speaker 4: I'm not into it. Oh, okay, you're touching me here, Okay,
Speaker 4: I'm wearing.
Speaker 2: I love I love spontaneous sex. That that's like something
Speaker 2: that gets me going. I've always said that that's I
Speaker 2: really like that. But then males are more spontaneous like spontanee,
Speaker 2: don't they over females or is that just a generation?
Speaker 4: No, that's a huge generalization for sure. No. No, No,
Speaker 4: I think like I think that's like testosterone base. So
Speaker 4: like when you wake up in the morning as like
Speaker 4: a masculine person like or as a penis owner, you
Speaker 4: have more testosterone in the morning. So often like people
Speaker 4: are hornier in the morning if they have a penis,
Speaker 4: whereas like for us, with our menstrual cycles, like our
Speaker 4: hormones fluctuate so much that we have to be very
Speaker 4: aware of what's happening with our menstrual cycles in order
Speaker 4: to be able to know, Okay, like what time of
Speaker 4: the month are we going to be hornier, When are
Speaker 4: we going to be more tired? When is it better
Speaker 4: for like morning sex or shower sex or late night sex,
Speaker 4: or should we do it on a Sunday ovo Like, actually,
Speaker 4: just being aware of your individual preferences is like really important.
Speaker 4: But you know, we have to have a good amount
Speaker 4: of maintenance sex in order to be able to have
Speaker 4: spontaneous sex, especially after two years in a relationship, because
Speaker 4: the first two years eighteen months to two years is
Speaker 4: like when all your owen dolphins are flying and you're like,
Speaker 4: I'm in love, like I can't believe we found each other,
Speaker 4: and then all of that dies off and you have
Speaker 4: to go, oh my god, like do I actually really
Speaker 4: like this person? I'm like, can I choose this person?
Speaker 4: Every day you come out of that like intensive time,
Speaker 4: and then you have to switch into more responsive sex,
Speaker 4: which is what you were talking about where you've got
Speaker 4: your retainer in, and you're like, I'm not horny. I
Speaker 4: don't want to Okay, you're rubbing. Like, okay, you're rubbing here.
Speaker 4: Now it works a little bit more. I'm going to
Speaker 4: move it up. Now I'm responding to your touch. So
Speaker 4: that type of sex is super super important over all life,
Speaker 4: like the whole life cycle.
Speaker 2: It makes sense. So I come home from gym, I'm
Speaker 2: pretty ready to go around that time because my test
Speaker 2: off stones flaring up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, how many times a week should people be having sex?
Speaker 1: What's a good number.
Speaker 4: There's not really a number, and I think it's unfair
Speaker 4: for anyone to preach a number. It's it just it
Speaker 4: doesn't work because like what if your partner lives overseas,
Speaker 4: or what if your partner has done well? What if
Speaker 4: having it like even once a year is like yeah,
Speaker 4: like we had our really good session and that made
Speaker 4: us feel really bonded. It's individual preferences. Some people want
Speaker 4: it every day, some people want it twice a day,
Speaker 4: some people want it like twice a month. It's it's
Speaker 4: up to you, and it's about the quality over the quantity.
Speaker 3: What happens when two partners don't kind of connect on
Speaker 3: that someone wants it all the time, someone doesn't want it.
Speaker 1: Can that work? How do you make that work?
Speaker 4: I think that's pretty common. I think we're all going
Speaker 4: to have someone who has like a higher sex drive
Speaker 4: in a relationship than the other and you have to
Speaker 4: find your middle ground or you have to talk about
Speaker 4: some kind of compromises that you can make and how
Speaker 4: you can make it the most fun possible for both
Speaker 4: of you. I think that's also why we're seeing more
Speaker 4: of a rising people talking about their open relationships as well,
Speaker 4: because they're like, like, you can love someone but not
Speaker 4: desire them, or you can desire someone and not love them.
Speaker 4: But if you have them combined, do they need to necessarily,
Speaker 4: you know, always be on part Not exactly if you
Speaker 4: have so much love in your relationship, but maybe your
Speaker 4: sexual preferences are different, are you able to separate the
Speaker 4: two as well? And maybe can you have your needs
Speaker 4: met in different ways?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Do you think that that's something that you could personally
Speaker 3: do be in an open relationship?
Speaker 4: Again, it's not really about me, it's about the listeners.
Speaker 4: So I think they can maybe reflect on themselves and
Speaker 4: think about is it something they would want to do,
Speaker 4: and maybe educate themselves as much as possible, Like you know,
Speaker 4: do I know much? I think I've seen such a
Speaker 4: rise in people talking about how they're polyamorous or they're
Speaker 4: ethically non monogamous, but they have no idea what that
Speaker 4: actually means. And a lot of the time I see
Speaker 4: people who are just not able to invest in any
Speaker 4: type of relationship with someone else, whether it be casually
Speaker 4: getting to know them or more long term getting to
Speaker 4: know them or on a deeper level. So I think
Speaker 4: the rise of talking about it it's happening, but actually
Speaker 4: doing it in the proper way is another topic altogether.
Speaker 2: People just watch tiktoks and think they know they.
Speaker 4: Make up their own version.
Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, so yeah, Chanta, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: This has been a really insightful interview.
Speaker 3: We've loved having you on the podcast and great chatting to.
Speaker 2: The next time show us the snack dog.
Speaker 3: That's in his element with the sausage Jugan.
Speaker 4: Thanks so much for having me